White Eyes
by Adamant39
Summary: 5 years ago, Danzo decided the Mangekyo Sharingan was too important for Konoha to lose. Instead, the Uchiha were appeased by the death of their rival clan... at the hands of Neji Hyuuga. The changes this event causes will shake Konoha to its foundations, and force many webs of lies to come undone. Upgraded Byakugan, Dark!Hinata, NotAsDark!Sasuke. Rated S for Smash Mouth. COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

**A/N: What's up weebs.**

 **Aaight look I had far too long sat in a car with nothing but my phone and I couldn't get this idea out of my head. No promises this won't die an ugly death.**

 **Most important points:**

 **1) I've aged up Neji from being barely Hinata's senior to being the same age as Itachi; more on how that changed things in flashbacks.**

 **2) In canon there is no upgraded form of the Byakugan other than the tenseigan. (which is pretty much on the rinnegan's level) But, that bored me so now there is an 'Upgraded' Byakugan. More details on it's powers and it's aquisition later in the story.**

 **3) I'm using the timeline that when the Uchiha massacre happened, Sasuke was 7 and Itachi was 12. At graduation, Sasuke is 12 and Itachi is 17, and by the time they meet after the botched chunin exams, Sasuke is 13 and Itachi 18. These ages are the same for Hinata and Neji now.**

 **4) Danzo is just a little more...pragmatic, than in Canon.**

 **Anyway, let's begin.**

* * *

 **White Eyes**

 **Prologue**

 **~5 years before graduation.**

The third hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, sat at his desk in the Hokage tower. The endless stack of paperwork in front of him was temporarily forgotten, as he leaned back in his chair with a pipe in his mouth. His guard had been dismissed; as far as anyone could tell he was completely alone in the room. "Report." He said, softly.

"The situation is out of control." Said the voice of Itachi Uchiha. It seemed to come from atop a bookcase, and the Third wasn't sure whether the Uchiha prodigy was actually there or somewhere else in the room. Or it was a double bluff, or triple...but the situation was too serious for Hiruzen's usual games.

"Extrapolate." He said, simply.

"Shisui is dead." Itachi replied. "Suicide. And nobody is going to believe it."

"You will take the blame?" The third asked.

"I have no choice." There was a pause. "My Mangekyo has awoken."

"I see." Hiruzen replied, neutrally. As far as the Uchiha knew, that required the murder of one close to you. "Which I suppose means using the kotoamatsukami to stop them is off the cards."

"I agree." Itachi replied. An interesting choice of words, suggesting it was unfeasible rather than impossible. Hiruzen knew where one of Shisui's eyes had gone. He wondered about the other.

"The situation is about to escalate." Itachi continued. "Before, we had a week. Now, I don't know. I...can't continue to hide my disapproval from them, Hokage-sama."

"I understand." The third replied. It was sometimes hard to remember Itachi was still just twelve. "So, old friend. Do you still insist that the best course of action is a massacre?"

That was not addressed to Itachi. There was a pause, before an unoccupied corner of the room spoke up. "The Uchiha should not be exterminated, no."

The third raised his eyebrows. "Really, Danzo? I'm glad you have regained some sense."

"Do not mistake my intentions." The voice replied. "The primary objective is, and must always be, the protection of Konoha. The Uchiha clan dead is better than a coup d'etat, but it is not _optimal_. Their ability to obtain the Mangekyo Sharingan makes them an incredible asset to the village. A value which must be weighed."

"I trust you don't intend to let the attack succeed?" The third replied, once again feeling dirtied by the Root leader's pragmatism. "They intend to kill me, Danzo. I would find that rather upsetting."

"This week will not end without bloodshed." Danzo replied. "But we possess the privilege to chose whose blood. No, I do not believe that we should let them get away with their machinations. That would look bad. We also cannot be seen to appease them, for the same reason."

The third thought. "So you intend to appease them without doing so visibly. Which you realise would require them getting more power in the government, which in turn would involve-" he paused, as he realized where Danzo's mind was going.

Itachi caught on too. "You want us to massacre a _different_ clan? Are you sure you don't just _really_ like clan massacres?"

"The Senju are the object of their hate, but they barely exist as a clan at this point, and lack a reasonable scapegoat." Danzo continued, oblivious to Itachi's insubordination. "Inuzuka, Nara, Aburame, none possess enough political power for killing them to _do_ anything. Which leaves us with one."

"The Hyuuga." Hiruzen pinched the bridge of his nose. "Danzo, the Hyuuga haven't _done_ anything."

"We don't need a reason we can justify to the daimyo. Legally, we aren't meeting right now. We need a scapegoat with the power and motive to have reasonably slaughtered their entire clan completely independently. The Hyuuga conveniently provide one."

"Neji." Itachi whispered.

The third winced. "The Hyuuga's use of the caged bird seal is...questionable."

"You're looking for the word barbaric." Itachi supplied.

"Neji does have the skills and he does have a motive." Hiruzen continued, nodding his head to concede the point. "Would he do it, Itachi? For the good of the village?"

He knew the two boys were close.

Itachi paused. "He would never kill Hinata; that's the current heir to the main branch. As much as he rants about her...well, you know how I feel about Sasuke."

"It's ideal to leave at least one alive." Danzo muttered, thoughtfully. "A male heir would be more convenient, but she should be able to continue the clan."

Itachi shuddered, but kept going. "Neji's just left the hospital for reasons he won't talk about. Tomorrow, he'll be in fighting shape. And yes, he'll be willing. I'm sure of it. He has a better reason than what we planned for me, at least, which really was just being a really big meanie."

"Are we certain about this?" Said the Hokage. "We are going to stop the Uchiha from betraying us...by killing the Uchiha's enemies?"

"Pragmatically, it makes sense." Danzo replied. "The Hyuuga's value is comparatively limited. The Byakugan doesn't have a Mangekyo."

Hiruzen kept carefully silent.

There was a blur, and Itachi became visible in the center of the room. He bowed to the Third. "I'll go tell him. S-class secrecy, I know." He rose, and walked towards the door, pausing with this hand on the handle. "...Neji's never going to forgive himself for this. You know that, right?" He vanished in a fluttering of crows' wings.

Sarutobi glared at the corner of the room that probably contained Danzo. "I'm totally disbanding Root after this."

"Whatever."

* * *

 **A few days later**

A seven year old Hinata Hyuuga skipped happily back towards the Hyuuga compound after an afternoon of her favourite pastime; Naruto-spotting. She had admittedly gone on a bit longer than she had planned to, and now it was dark-out, but the two gate guards she'd expect to chew her out were conspicuously absent. Thinking nothing of it, she was able to walk in unhindered, praising her good luck.

She got ten steps before she saw the first body.

Her eyes narrowed at the person conspicuously laying on the pavement, eyes open, looking up to the sky. "Auntie? What's wrong?" Hinata knelt beside her, shaking her arm, but she didn't move. Frowning, Hinata slowly, carefully, went through the hand seals she had been taught for years, eventually calling out "Byakugan!" And looking down to assess the woman's chakra network. It wasn't there. There was no signature blue glow, no pulse of energy through her tenketsu. And now that Hinata's eyesight was enhanced, the woman didn't look to be breathing either. "Help!" Hinata called, scrambling away with a startled gasp. "This woman needs help!" She turned around, but couldn't see anyone else, so she ran further into the Hyuuga compound, expecting to see the night guard, expecting someone to see _her_ , at least. All she found was more bodies. Crying, she ran past corpse after corpse, all visibly unharmed, but with no life flowing trough their bodies. Her eyes pointed out in painstaking detail every face, every terrified expression. She held back her bile and stumbled, desperately making her way to her own house, hoping against hope that-There! Her eyes finally made out a chakra network through the wall. She shoved her own door open, running through the hallway, up to her parents' bedroom, bursting in to find-

She blinked, and her Byakugan fell away in her confusion. "Neji?"

Her older cousin turned towards her, away from the dead bodies of her parents. There were no visible pupils, nor irises in his eyes. They were orbs of pure, lavender tinged white. "Tell me, Hinata." He spoke. "Do you believe you can defy fate?"

* * *

"Hey big brother!"

Itachi smiled as he closed the door to his home behind him. "Hello little brother. What are you doing up this late?"

"I wanted to wait up for you." Sasuke pouted. He walked forward and narrowed his eyes. "Hey, what's up with your eyes? Are you crying?"

Itachi chuckled, wiping off the blood dripping from one of his eyes. Internally, he cursed the consequences of the Mangekyo's power. "It's nothing, little brother. I'm here, and everything's alright."

* * *

 **So hopefully that explains the main changes going into this fic. Sasuke still has his family, Hinata does not, Naruto is...mostly the same. We'll see the effects of this next chapter, which will come out...(throws dart at dartboard) I dunno. It might already be out. I've written it, though, so you'll get it.**


	2. Graduation?

**A/N: Oh by the way...I didn't convince you this would be an entirely serious story, did I?**

* * *

 **Act I: Breaking the Ice**

 **Graduation..?**

 **Present day**

Sasuke Uchiha sat at his desk in his thinking pose. It wasn't the same as Shikimaru's thinking pose, but it bore a marked similarity Sasuke would deny to any who brought it up. Currently, he was using it as an excuse to stare straight ahead and ignore the disaster going on at his left.

"I honestly can't believe you managed to pass the exam!" Sakura yelled.

"Same to you! How you made a transformation jutsu that hid that forehead of yours is beyond me!" Ino yelled back.

"Shut up! It's not that bad! Besides, it's not like you don't-"

"Oh it is sooo that bad. I bet any man would agree that it's ridiculously ugly! Isn't that right Sasuke?"

"Don't be ridiculous yourself! Sasuke would never tell me I looked ugly! Right Sasuke?"

"Sasuke?"

" _Sasuke!"_

Sasuke tried not to sigh. When he brooded, they swooned, and when he smiled, they swooned. He wondered if maybe he was cold and uncaring all the time, they would get the hint and leave him alone. Or maybe that would just make it worse. He'd probably have to figure it out soon, given that his primary fan girl defense had gone and gotten himself held back a year-

His ears pricked. In the distance, he heard some oddly familiar guitar chords. Then there was an intake of breath from outside the classroom door.

"Some-" the door slammed open, "BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME, I-"

"Naruto what the fuck are you doing?" Sasuke called out over the painfully off key singing.

"SHE WAS LOOKING- oh hey Sass-Gay." Naruto Uzumaki, leaf headband firmly fixed on his forehead, waved to his 'friend', before jumping towards a wall. He hit it, pushed back off, and landed in a slide on his stomach on Sasuke's desk, ending up perfectly in front of him with a shit-eating grin on his face. "Did you miss me?"

Sasuke let his head hit the desk. "Naruto, I know the ninja academies are big on alternative methods of passing, but I don't think stealing some poor souls forehead protector qualifies you for genin."

"Oh no I'm _officially_ a genin now, Iruka-Sensei says so." Naruto stretched on the desk. "Yeah I stole a forbidden scroll, learned an A-rank jutsu, made a dramatic revelation about my past and then beat the crap out of Mizuki-Sensei. They basically had to promote me after that."

Sasuke looked up at him. "Really?"

"Yep."

"That's what you're going with?"

"It's the truth!"

"You're not fooling anyone Naruto." Ino huffed.

Naruto arched his back to look, upside down, at the two girls there. "Oh hey Ino!" He wiggled his eyebrows. "Sakura~"

"Get the hell of Sasuke's desk." The pink haired girl rolled her eyes.

Naruto rolled his body in response, falling in Sasuke's footwell with a grunt.

"So does this mean you'll be able to maintain your role as my girl repellent?" Sasuke asked, looking down at him. He hadn't lost any of his previous effectiveness, Sakura and Ino had already wrinkled their noses and sat down at their desk.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Sass-gay, you're a genin now. You can't ignore all the ladies forever."

"Watch me."

"Come oooon." Naruto clambered to his feet, sitting down next to Sasuke. "If you had to go out with one girl from this class, who would it be?"

Sasuke actually thought about it. "...Hinata."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Ooh, that's out of left field! Why?"

Sasuke shrugged. "She's the only one who doesn't pester me all the time."

"Huh, that's a good point. Well, one way to check if it'll work out."

"Don't-"

Naruto stood up on his chair and called across the room. "Hey, Hinata!"

Sat in the back corner of the room was a girl with short, navy blue hair, and a thick fur lined white jacket. Her eyes, white irises with no visible pupils, were staring down at the desk with a blank expression. Said eyes looked up upon being called, and widened when they saw the caller. "Naruto?"

"Yeah!" Naruto returned, waving and then grabbing Sasuke by the hair (the latter having slumped back down in embarrassment.) "Hey, how would you feel about dating Sasuke?"

Hinata didn't reply, she just shook her head.

"Crap. Don't worry Sasuke, it's not you, it's her. Look, I'll prove it. Hey Hinata! Wanna go out with _me_?"

She froze, and a blush appeared on her cheeks. "I...um..."

"Wow." Sasuke stated, nonplussed. "You're so unappealing you made _Hinata_ stutter. I've never heard her do that."

"Really? She does it all the time around me, weird."

The door opened again, and Umino Iruka stepped in. "Alright class, settle down!" He called, body-flickering to the front. "Now everyone here has passed their genin exams, so congratulations! And Naruto, special thanks for how you caught Mizuki. I'm not sure if you officially get a bounty for that, but I'll bring it up with the Hokage."

Sasuke looked across at Naruto. "Wait, you were telling the truth?"

Naruto just grinned.

"Now as you know, you are to be sorted into three-man teams." Iruka continued. "Thanks to Naruto's last minute success, the class can be evenly distributed into threes, so that's good."

Naruto frowned. "That's a good point." He called out. "What would have happened if I hadn't showed up?"

Iruka shrugged. "Root probably would have inserted a spy into the class, I guess. Anyway, the teams are as follows..."

Sasuke waited, listening with glee as ("Ino, Shikimaru, Choji!) Ino's face fell and ("Sakura, Shino, Kiba!") Sakura's followed moments later.

"No...Sasuke...kept from me..." Sakura mumbled, head on her desk.

"Aww, it's okay Sakura." Naruto called down to her. "I'm sure you'll have fun with bug-boy and dog-breath."

("What did you say?" Came Kiba's outraged cry.)

"And finally." Iruka rechecked his sheet. "Sasuke, Hinata, and Naruto."

Sasuke noticed Hinata's surprised look, and allowed himself to smile. This was...manageable. Hinata was quiet, and he could respect that. And Naruto...

He'd used to hate him. It was only natural, he supposed, everyone and their mothers hated Naruto. In fact, most of the time, everyones' mothers _told_ them to hate Naruto. Until one day, Itachi had taken Sasuke aside and asked him specifically _why_ he hated Naruto, and he'd been embarrassingly unable to come up with an answer. Itachi had explained that most of Konoha's adults hated the 'fox brat' (oddly specific title) for a reason they weren't allowed to share because it was Top Secret Classified Ninja Information (this wasn't something unusual for his Jonin big brother to say). However, Itachi had cautioned, it wasn't a very good reason to hate someone, so Sasuke should probably decide what to think of Naruto based on his own merit. So Sasuke had. And, to his burgeoning horror...he had actually kind of liked the idiot.

He jolted back to attention as Iruka was saying "and team seven is to report to Hatake Kakashi. Get to it, kids."

There was a blur of motion from the classroom, as a few dozen ninja children made their assorted escapes.

"Woo! On a team together! How's that for luck, huh Sasuke? And you're with your one true love!" Naruto was smiling again. He did that a lot.

"You're gonna have to stop with that soon or this team is gonna get really weird." Sasuke shook his head. "But speaking of, where's our third member?"

They looked to the corner of the classroom, but Hinata had already vanished.

* * *

 **A Konoha rooftop, far later than anticipated.**

"Where the hell is this guy?" A head of yellow hair called to the skies. "We were supposed to meet our new leader hours ago!"

Kakashi took that moment to arrive. He appeared in a flurry of leaves right in front of them with a "Yo." This at least managed to freak out the blond one; the Uchiha was probably used to it, and the Hyuuga had seen him a while ago with those eyes. Or at least, she had seen the shadow clone he'd left to look after them while he sat at home reading Jiraiya's works.

"So, you're my genin team, huh?" He looked over the three children he knew had perhaps the most potential in the village. "You don't look like much."

"Hey!" Blond shouted. "Don't doubt me! My name is Uzumaki Naruto and I'm-" Kakashi put his finger over the boy's mouth with a 'shhh'

"Don't spoil the introductions, I had a plan going into this and I'm not coming up with a new one." He leaned back. "So then, introductions. Lets give our name, our likes, dislikes, and hopes for the future, okay?"

There was nodding. "Perfect. My name is Hatake Kakashi. I like masks, and everything else I could tell you is classified. Blondie, you go next."

The kid blinked, before shaking his head. "Right! My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen, pranks, awesome ninja moves, and ramen. I don't like people who take any steps to limit my ramen intake, and Sasuke, because he's my eternal rival and it's pretty much necessary for the job to hate him. My dream is to one day become the Hokage! You better believe it!"

Kakashi swallowed his desire to cringe. "Well, that was...something. Mrs Bright Eyes, you next."

"My name is Hyuuga Hinata." The girl spoke, enunciating her words with extreme purpose. "I hate a lot of things a little, and one person very much. I like...one thing..." her eyes drifted to blondie and Kakashi had to swallow his desire to cringe again. Hinata's eyes narrowed. "My dream is to have my revenge on one specific person. And I will make that dream a reality." Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Well, that was...something else." Kakashi continued, unmoved. "Haircut, you next."

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke." Said haircut. "I like...well, I'm sure there's something. My big brother I suppose. I dislike annoying people who forcibly insert themselves in my life, which is especially true for my," he made quotation marks "eternal rival. My aspiration is to one day become a proud member of my clan."

"What he means is he wants his dad to notice him he gets super upset about it-gack!" Naruto shouted before being rugby-tackled by the other boy.

"...Alright then." Kakashi stalled, looking at the two wrestling boys and the girl sat watching them. "I'm sure I'll remember your names at some point but until then you'll go by issues 1, issues 2, and issues 3. This is probably a good time to mention you technically haven't passed yet."

" _What_?"

That got the boys to stop fighting. Kakashi nodded and smiled, creasing his mask. "Yep. I have high standards. So we're going to have a little get together tomorrow and do an extra test. Otherwise..." he let just a hint of killing intent out. "All three of you are going back to the academy."

That got a flinch out of all of them.

"Right then." Kakashi went back to smiling. "Meet you at training ground twenty seven at eight tomorrow morning. Don't be late. Oh, and don't eat anything for breakfast." With that, he body-flickered away. He stayed nearby long enough to hear "well...that guy was weird." Before chuckling and leaving for his house.

* * *

 **You could consider that the second half of the prologue, demonstrating the effects on modern day. Sasuke is less of an edgelord, Hinata is significantly more of an edgelord (the effort of which has brought her to the top of the class) and Naruto has actually had a friend. Yeah. Will wonders never cease.**

 **Next chapter releasing next week and will be significantly longer, and has your first breath of action in it as our team takes on the bell test. See you then!**


	3. Two Bells One Sensei

**A/N: I told you it would be longer. Course, that's longer by my standards. Some writers are like 'sorry this chapter's only thirty thousand words lol' and I'm like 'how did you-that's half a novel!' Anyway...**

* * *

 **Two Bells One Sensei**

 **The next day.**

"Okay, this is ridiculous." Naruto growled to himself, pacing outside the entrance to training ground 27. "It's ten thirty! He should have been here _ages_ ago!"

"Two hours thirty minutes ago, yeah." Sasuke grumbled, laying on the floor. "And he warned us not to eat breakfast. This is _planned._ "

"You know a bunch of ninja. Do any of them remember doing this extra test?" Naruto asked his friend. Sasuke frowned. "Not that I've asked. But now that I think about it, Itachi has been smiling suspiciously ever since I mentioned Kakashi was my Sensei..."

Hinata tuned the Uchiha's voice out. She was technically sat facing away from the two, but convenient 360 Byakugan vision meant she could still watch Naruto's face as he was complaining.

"So what's this then, teaching us to _not_ listen to him? Teaching us how to be _un_ prepared?"

"Actually..." Sasuke pondered. "He might just be fucking with us."

"...That son of a-"

"I brought bentos." Hinata said, softly, cutting off Naruto's complaining.

"You...what?"

"Lunch." Hinata simplified. "I didn't eat breakfast either, but I brought lunch in case we were busy all day. If it's an emergency we can have it now."

She had, admittedly, only brought two bento boxes, one for her and Naruto, but the Uchiha was probably lying about not eating. Hinata was willing to bet his older brother had told him all about this bell test and he was playing dumb to fit in. It must be nice to have an older brother.

Naruto was about to accept her offer but there was a whirl of leaves and Kakashi finally showed up. "I wouldn't use your alternative method of passing just yet if I were you." He called to them, sounding bored.

"You!" Naruto yelled, getting to his feet. "Why are you so late! It's been, uh-"

"Two and a half hours." Hinata supplied.

"Two and a half hours!" Naruto finished. "Thanks Hinata, Sensei what were you doing?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Good question actually. You see I was on my way here when an army of squirrels arrived and-"

"Can we skip this and get to the exam part?" Sasuke called. He still hadn't gotten up.

"Sure." Kakashi replied, strolling through the entrance to the training ground. "Follow me."

The training ground was very similar to plenty of other training grounds, with dummies lined up in a row, a copse of trees, and a river running through it. Kakashi stopped somewhere in between all these landmarks and pulled something out of his pocket. They jingled.

"Bells?" Naruto asked, confused.

Kakashi nodded. "Two of them. You have until midday to get them from me. Use whatever methods you feel you need to. Begin." He clipped the bells to his belt and pulled out a book.

Team seven stood there for a moment, confused.

"So do we just..." Naruto glanced at Sasuke, who shrugged.

"Well alright then." Naruto made a hand seal. "Lets do this thing! Multi shadow clone jutsu!" Suddenly, there were a whole lot more Naruto.

* * *

Kakashi glanced upwards from his book to see about fifty orange-clad headaches running towards him. He considered a handful of methods of neutralising the attack, but eventually went with the simplest. He went back down to his book as his spare hand drew a kunai. As the Narutos moved towards him, he began a rhythmic thrusting motion with the knife. The first ten or so popped because he just had a longer reach. The next twenty or so came in with flying punches and kicks, without realising that he could just stab their hands and feet to dispel them. The last dozen surrounded him and jumped at him all at once, from different directions. He stabbed a bit faster and took one step to the left. The shouting and 'poof's stopped, so he holstered the kunai and looked up. "Did I not make myself clear? You're free to attack me now."

* * *

Naruto was in shock. "He's...a bit stronger than Mizuki." He acknowledged.

Sasuke let out a breath. "Hinata." He addressed the girl. "I know you're good at taijutsu. I might be able to help if I can-"

"I don't need your help, Uchiha." She spat. Sasuke blinked, surprised, as she sprinted forwards, bee-lining for Kakashi. Then he scowled. "Alright then. You can be the distraction instead." Sasuke turned to Naruto. "I've changed my mind. I'd rather date Ino than her." He started running too, leaving a flustered Naruto behind.

Hinata came up on Kakashi fast, showing impressive speed for someone her size. She landed in front of Kakashi in a perfect gentle fist stance, launching her hand forward to Kakashi's head, two fingers brimming with chakra. Kakashi caught her by the wrist without looking up. Then Hinata pulsed chakra out the tenketsu on her wrist, right into Kakashi's palm. It should have completely numbed that hand, but instead Kakashi exploded into smoke. Hinata coughed and stepped backwards, and Sasuke halted a few metres behind her.

"Shadow clone." Sasuke growled. "I'm starting to hate that technique. You can't tell the difference?"

"No." She glared at him, like she was angry he'd dared question her abilities, and began walking in a random direction. Or...was it random?

"Can you see him?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes."

"What are you doing now then?"

"I'm going to get the bells."

She accelerated to a run.

"Hinata, wait!" She stopped.

Sasuke turned to Naruto, who had jogged up. _Oh, so she'll listen to him._

"We can't just keep running at him one after the other!" He explained. "We're just genin and he's a jonin, he'll just keep stopping us."

"You're saying I'm not strong enough?" Hinata's voice was testy.

"I mean...yeah, pretty much."

Hinata looked like she'd just been slapped in the face with a wet fish.

"He's a jonin." Naruto repeated. "He could probably have taken us all out without us noticing, even if we were prepared for it. So, we've gotta get better. Better means we need a good Jonin-Sensei, which means we need to get the bells, which means we need to work together. Duh."

Hinata paused. Sasuke looked on in awe. _The talk no jutsu...I'd only heard rumours._

Eventually Hinata blushed and nodded. "Alright. What's the plan?"

* * *

Kakashi was having a lovely morning. Jiraiya's new volume was superb, tying up multiple plot threads from his previous works. The bit he was at; five of the main characters were trapped in the same room, and things seemed to be building to a (he sniggered internally) climax.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem like he was going to get a chance to start the next chapter as the kiddies were making another attempt. He sighed and made a note of the page. A glint was all that could be discerned before a trio of kunai came hurtling out of the forest edge towards him. Sasuke's work, probably, Kakashi seemed to recall his elder brother being fond of throwing techniques. The spray was wide, the centre kunai going straight for him but the other two going to pass by on either side. An inexperienced ninja might think that was just to stop him dodging, but Kakashi was not an inexperienced ninja. He plucked the first kunai out of the air and swung it, severing the razor wire tied between the outer two knives and leaving them to fly harmlessly to either side. By that point, Sasuke had leapt from the forest and completed a very familiar set of hand seals, making Kakashi's eye widen in surprise. _He can do that already?_

"Great fireball jutsu!" The boy called, before launching an impressive burst of flame at the copy ninja. He could have dodged (it was a slow technique) if not for the two kunai that had passed him dispelling their transformation jutsu as both appeared as Naruto. Both orange clad ninja had their hands in position to call out "Shadow clone jutsu!" And summon a good dozen more miniature menaces. The original two Naruto continued to fly away, but the new copies hadn't inherited the momentum and formed a semicircle around the back of Kakashi, readying to throw their own kunai, and that great fireball was getting worryingly close.

Kakashi sighed, dropped the kunai in his hand, and started forming hand seals. At which point _that_ kunai, the first that had been thrown, transformed back into _Hinata_ , who, as she was falling, snatched the bells from a preoccupied Kakashi's belt, and flung them away. Kakashi finished his jutsu, producing a dome of wind that should counteract the fire and any more thrown knives, and then the original two Naruto finished the hand seals for their "Substitution jutsu!" And both the bells and Hinata appeared on the other side of the clearing. The original two Naruto, now sat inside the wind dome with Kakashi, grinned sheepishly. He popped both clones, annoyed, as Hinata grabbed the bells and took off towards the edge of the forest with them.

The whole affair had taken no more than five seconds.

* * *

Hinata's heart fluttered as the real Naruto walked out of the forest. He'd been frustrated that after a few iterations of the plan, he hadn't actually been there in person, but he was grinning from ear to ear now. She loved to see him smile. "We did it!" She cried, separating the two bells and tossing one to him. Sasuke walked up, trying to control his happy expression but failing.

"Hell yeah! Go team seven!" Naruto was cheering, elated, turning back to Kakashi and shouting "how's that for your bell test, ya big lazy...uh..."

"Ninja?" Sasuke supplied.

"Yeah! Big lazy ninja!"

Kakashi walked up, clapping. "Well done. Excellent example of how basic jutsu can be used to great effect if used intelligently. I guess that means Naruto and Hinata pass."

There was a pause while the trio contemplated that.

"..and Sasuke?" Naruto ventured. Kakashi smiled. "Oh no. You see there are two bells, which means only two of you get to pass."

"What?" Naruto exclaimed. "That's not fair!"

"The numbers seem to add up to me." Kakashi replied, shrugging. "But if you want to trade those around, change who gets to pass, go head. Or you could fight for them, that's always fun."

Hinata was on edge. On one hand, this was ideal. Just her and Naruto, without the Uchiha getting in the way. On the other, said Uchiha was also on edge, and eyeing both her and Naruto very carefully. _Don't try it._ She thought. _Don't you dare._

Then there was a jingle. Hinata watched, mouth agape, as Naruto flung his bell across to Sasuke, who caught it on reflex with a look just as surprised as Hinata's. "Naruto." She whispered. "What are you-"

"Don't worry about me!" He said in a too cheerful voice. "You two are the best in the class, big fancy clans and all. It's probably best if you both go forwards without me."

Hinata knew the smile Naruto was sprouting, as one of his hands moved to scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment. She had seen it all too often from him. It meant he wasn't actually happy, but was pretending to stop the people around him from being sad for his sake. Hinata hated that look. Hated it hated it _hated_ it.

"No!" She interrupted, rushing up and pressing her bell into his hands, then jumping away before he could try to give it back. "You want to be Hokage, remember?" She told him. "I won't let you squander that dream!"

Then she flicked her hand up in front of her face on reflex, as her Byakugan spotted a projectile coming towards her. The bell in her hand jingled. "What-"

"Go ahead." Said Sasuke, his hands empty. "I have Itachi and the rest of my clan to train me if I need to. You two are orphans. You need this opportunity more than I do."

Hinata practically snarled, and started walking back to him with the bell outstretched. "Don't pity me Uchiha, I don't need this to-"

" _Well then_." Kakashi's voice cut across the burgeoning argument between the three. "This is very funny to watch, but I'm going to cut it short. Seems to me like you can't decide, which leaves me with one option. All three of you-"

They tensed.

"Pass!"

* * *

 _Aww, look at their excited little faces. I'm getting cavities._ Kakashi watched the three of them start celebrating again. "Rest assured." He cut in. "If you had decided selfishly who got the bells, I wouldn't have passed any of you. Always remember: those who fail to complete their missions are trash. But those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash."

"So the whole point of there being two bells was just to set us against each other?" Sasuke confirmed.

"That's right."

"Fuck you!"

"Language." Kakashi cautioned, shaking a finger. "And remember not to get too cocky that you 'beat a jonin'. If I'd jumped those three kunai, it wouldn't have worked. If I'd used any element that wasn't transparent for my defence, it wouldn't have worked. If I'd been a shadow clone, which you already knew I could do, it wouldn't have worked."

"...But it did." Naruto hedged.

"Kiddo, Haircut does not keep his kunai as perfectly clean as your transformed versions were. I knew what you were doing. It worked because I let it work."

"Aww."

Kakashi turned. "Actual missions and training begin tomorrow. Ciao." He vanished in a swirl of petals.

"Welp." Naruto clapped his hands together. "That was a thing, and now I'm hungry. Hey Hinata, didn't you say you had, uh..."

She inclined her head, blushing a little. "Yes, Naruto. We can eat the bentos."

She even shared some with Sasuke.

* * *

 **Later that evening**

"You passed the bell test?" Itachi asked, incredulously. "I've never doubted you, but you know Kakashi's never actually passed anyone, right?"

"As expected of our son." Said Fugaku, the Uchiha clan head. "Could you pass the potatoes please?"

This wasn't a celebratory dinner, Sasuke had already had one of those for making genin and it wouldn't do for him to get a big head, but it was still one of his favourite meals.

"So you do know about my crazy Sensei." Sasuke pointed a fork at his big brother. "When were you planning on telling me he'd try to make me betray my teammates?"

"Never." Said Itachi between mouthfuls, refusing to be guilted. "You'd have made it, or failed, on your own merit. The Uchiha way, or something."

"Speaking of teammates, who have you been put with?" Asked their father. "They will be your partners until you make chunin, and many teams remain close long after that. It's important that you're paired with suitable individuals."

"Of course. I believe we will work well together." Sasuke replied, waiting for his father to take a drink. "One is Hyuuga Hinata."

Fugaku spat his drink across the table and broke into a coughing fit.

"Are you alright, father?" Sasuke asked, innocently.

"Yes, I only...the last Hyuuga?" Fugaku managed, taking another drink to clear his cough.

"Yes. And Uzumaki Naruto."

Fugaku sprayed even more water over the table, prompting his wife to move over and begin patting his back.

"Sounds like a good combination." Said Itachi, impassively, helping himself to some peas.

"Out of all the-" Their father got over his coughing fit. "Sasuke, I will go and speak with the Hokage. I'm sure I can arrange your movement to a different team."

"That won't be necessary father." Sasuke replied, trying to sound forceful. "Me and Naruto..." he failed to accurately describe their relationship. "...get along. Hinata is a bit contentious, but has proven we can work together."

"But, but," (this was the most flustered Sasuke had seen his father in a long time.) "The Uzumaki brat? Why was he even allowed to graduate?"

"You're going to have to explain why everyone hates him, or Sasuke's going to stay best friends with him on principle." Itachi chipped in.

"But the Hyuuga girl!" Fugaku changed tack. "Her cousin murdered her entire clan, cousin from her _father's twin_ , they're practically siblings! Even if she doesn't snap, when she grows up she's going to restore the Hyuuga's influence and wrest it from our own clan!"

" _ohyeahwhat'reyougonnadolaunchacoupd'etat?"_ Itachi murmured into his glass.

Fugaku managed to avoid another coughing fit. "A-Anyway. Her interests are diametrically opposed to yours. Watch out for her."

"Actually, that might not be the case." Sasuke's mother spoke up. "It might be possible to...bring her around to our side."

"How do you mean?" Asked Sasuke, but Itachi had already caught on.

"Mother has a point, Sasuke." He said, smiling. "She's a very pretty young girl, and you've reportedly seduced a lot of the girls in your class already."

Sasuke went red. " _Itachi_ , stop. I already changed my mind about her."

"Changed your mind?" His mother chipped in. "How did you feel before?"

Sasuke buried his face in his hands. "I was joking with Naruto, I hate you both. Father, save me."

Fugaku, even more horrifyingly, was actually thinking about it. "It would neutralise the threat quite elegantly." He mused. "And I've always been curious what would happen if the two bloodline limits were combined. Your children-"

"Enough!" Sasuke shouted. "I am going to great fireball _all_ of you!"

"No jutsu at the dinner table Sasuke!"

* * *

 **Fight!Fight!Fight! Yeah, they actually succeeded. Not a small reason for that is Hinata's competence (Also I love This show's strategic fights.) And some more Uchiha family dynamic, which I wanted to include.**

 **To those of you who mentioned characters being a bit OOC...yeah. All three members of team seven have led different lives up to this point. Even Naruto has had at least one friend, which if nothing else has boosted his ability to talk in coherent sentences**


	4. Wake Up Call

**A/N: Bit of an interlude chapter here. The anime may spend five-dozen episodes on Konohamaru and D-ranks, but I do not intend to.**

* * *

 **Wake-up Call**

 **Evening of the bell test.**

Hiruzen watched the ANBU guard stationed in his office fall from the ceiling and land on the floor in a heap. He sighed. "Danzo, you gotta stop doing this."

"He'll live." Said the ex-(and current, if some of the Hokage's sources were to be believed)leader of root, stepping into the office. "I needed to talk to you."

"Of course you do." Sarutobi sighed. "Any particular subject, or would you simply like to catch up?"

"Actually, I thought I might discuss the genin teams that have been formed most recently." Said Danzo, taking a chair in front of the desk. "More specifically, team seven."

"What of it?" Asked the third, inwardly groaning.

"How were its members selected?" Danzo asked, innocently.

Hiruzen shrugged. "It's traditional for the best boy, best girl, and worst overall in the year to be put on a team together. Both Hinata and Sasuke are very skilled, and as Naruto technically failed the examination..."

"I see." Danzo replied. "If you'd put, oh I don't know, Haruno Sakura under Kakashi, I might have believed that. But no, you put the young male heir to the Uchiha, the one remaining Hyuuga, and the damn _nine tails jinchurikk_ i on the same team under your best and most loyal Jonin."

Hiruzen nodded. "Actually, in hindsight, I suppose that would be" He quoted a term from his grandson, "pretty darn overpowered."

"Hiruzen, would you care to tell me if there's any reason in particular you're trying to recreate the legendary sannin?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

" _Sarutobi_ -"

"Don't 'Sarutobi' _me_." The third snapped, eyes hard. "You lost that right when you tried to put one of your spies in my school. Sai, was it? If he even has a real name. How young are you grooming your soldiers now?"

"I could ask you the same." Danzo returned. "We both know something's coming. You could use my help."

"The last time I requested your help, I ruined two lives and lost two hundred more." Hiruzen replied. "I have learned not to make that mistake again."

Danzo glared at him for a good few more seconds. "Then I shall act alone. As I always have." He turned and walked out the door. Sarutobi waited a few seconds, then slammed a fist into his desk, sufficient to splinter the wood. He heaved himself out of his seat and walked over to the unconscious ANBU, kneeling down beside the androgynous ninja beneath a boar mask. He slapped them round the face.

"Uhn...what hit me..." they mumbled, before jolting to alertness. "Hokage-sama!" They shouted, getting up. "What-"

"Make sure the rest of my guard is awake." He growled. "Then get me Kakashi. It's time for a wake-up call."

* * *

 **Three years before**

"Big brother? _Big brother_!" Itachi groaned and cracked open one eye, barely controlling the urge to awaken his sharingan and tsukuyomi the fool who woke him. He shifted under the covers and propped his head on one arm. "Sasuke? What are you doing? Its six o'clock."

"You promised you'd show me how to do the multi-kunai throwing." Pouted the nine year old.

Itachi scowled. "I know you act more mature than this at school, brother."

"You said that any morning you weren't on a mission you'd help me with training." Sasuke stated, as though Itachi was trying to deny an immutable law of the universe.

"I just got back from a mission..." The elder protested, weakly.

"Then you _are_ back." The younger pointed out, logically. "So? Come on!"

Itachi groaned again, and pulled himself out of bed. Never mind that said mission had necessitated thirty eight hours of continued consciousness, and he'd only flopped into bed an hour ago. He had promised Sasuke training, so there was training to be done.

* * *

 **Present day**

Sasuke groaned and opened one eye, trying desperately to awaken his damn sharingan already so he could genjutsu the fool who woke him. "Itachi." He mumbled. "I appreciate the dedication, I do, but I have a jonin-Sensei now, you don't have to keep-" he placed the identity of the person by his beside and trailed off.

"Yo." Said Kakashi.

Sasuke let out a scream that was entirely undignified for the heir to the great Uchiha clan and leapt to his feet, pulling the kunai from under his pillow and pointing it at the transgressor. "You...you! What are you doing here?"

"You're late." Kakashi said, smiling under his mask.

" _I'm_ late?" Sasuke hissed, looking to his door hoping he hadn't woken anyone. "What the fuck were _you_ yesterday?"

"Again with the pottymouth." Kakashi scolded. "Did you get that from-"

"Itachi, yeah." Sasuke growled. "What the hell are you doing in my room?"

"We have training, which you were late to. How rude of you."

"You didn't tell me when it was! Or where, for that matter!"

"You can't become a jonin by making excuses, haircut. But as I am a gracious sensei, I decided to come get you."

Sasuke was incredulous. "So you broke into my _house_?"

"Hardly a drastic measure for a ninja. Besides, nobody caught me."

"Can you two be more quiet in there?" Itachi's voice came through the wall. "Some of us are trying to sleep."

"Alright, one person caught me." Kakashi relented, grudgingly. "But since I'm still alive I think that's enough proof that he agrees with my intentions. Now get dressed. You'll have to work extra hard to make up for your laziness."

Shaking his head, Sasuke left the comfort of his bed and walked towards his closet. "Yesterday you couldn't be present for ten, how come now you're starting training at six?"

"It was supposed to be five, actually." Kakashi replied. "And it's not me doing your training."

"...what?"

"Shut up and get out of the closet, Sasuke."

* * *

Elsewhere, at the same time, Naruto blinked and opened his eyes. "Oh. Hey." He mumbled.

Kakashi, leaning over him, tilted his head. "That's your reaction? You're not at all worried that a ninja is in your apartment? Standing over you while you sleep?"

Naruto shrugged. "I have ANBU in or near my room basically every night. At first that was confusing, but when I learned I was a jinchurikki it kinda started to make sense. I'm used to it by this point."

"Well that's a habit to kick..." Kakashi sighed. "Get out of bed, whiskers. We have training to do. I already have a shadow clone at Sasuke's place."

Naruto frowned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Not Hinata's?"

"Oh I wouldn't be worried. She's outside your window right now. Training ground 14, you have twenty minutes." Kakashi disappeared in a flurry of leaves. Naruto got to his feet and stretched, sparing a look around his apartment building to check Kakashi hadn't done anything to it (the empty ramen packets were still piled up beside his bin and the kitchen was still a mess, so the jonin certainly hadn't been cleaning up) before walking over to the window. Sure enough, when he looked out and down, there was a girl with blue hair in the alleyway looking incredibly guilty. "Hinata? What are you doing down there?"

The Hyuuga was poking her index fingers together and focusing intently on the floor. "I was, uh...I came to see you! Kakashi woke me up too and you live nearby, so..."

Naruto shrugged. "Oh. Cool, thanks."

Had Naruto paid more attention in certain classes, he might have known that training ground 14 was actually _between_ the Hyuuga compound and his apartment. But he didn't. "I'll get dressed and come down in a sec, then we can go together, okay?" He called out, instead.

Her face went red, and her Byakugan very definitely turned off, but she nodded.

A little confused, Naruto went back inside.

* * *

 **Eighteen minutes later**.

The four got together in the woods. Training ground fourteen was apparently just a massive open space, but Kakashi, looking furtively through the entrance, had prevented them from entering and hid them amongst the leaves just outside the area.

"So, I'm sure you're all wondering what you're doing here." Kakashi began.

"Yeah, and why it's so early." Sasuke grouched.

"Yeah, and why we're all hiding in a bush." Naruto added.

"Well, that's very simple." Kakashi replied. "You see, I was planning on taking it easy, letting you play around with D-ranks, maybe teaching you tree-walking..."

"Wasting our time?" Hinata cut in.

"Precisely!" Kakashi agreed, before his expression (at least what could be seen) took on a much more serious edge. "I know full well what it's like to lose your childhood to this profession, and didn't want to force that onto you."

He brightened again. "Until our dear Hokage called me in and reminded me we don't really have time for that, as you're all likely to get assassinated or kidnapped at any point."

" _What_?" He was met by three outraged children's expressions.

He pointed at Sasuke "you're the youngest member of a prominent blood-release clan," he swung the finger around to Hinata. "you're the _only_ member of a prominent blood-release clan, and have in fact already been kidnapped once," around to Naruto "and I can't tell these two about your little secret but every adult from Konoha (plus everyone important everywhere else) knows aaall about it."

Naruto gulped. "E-Everyone?"

"There is a file in the Hokage's desk detailing all the attacks on you ANBU has foiled." Kakashi elaborated. "It is a thick file."

Naruto went a little pale. Sasuke looked like his brother had already told him more than he should have been told about the blond, and Hinata looked downright murderous.

"The solution to this is to become strong enough to fend off said hostiles as quickly as possible." Kakashi continued. "Which I was feeling pretty bad about, until I realised that you've all barely had childhoods anyway. For the same reasons we just went through, conveniently."

"I had a-" Sasuke paused. "I mean it wasn't a _normal_ childhood but-"

"When was the last time your dad said he was proud of you?" Naruto cut in.

Sasuke actually blushed. "How would I know? It's not like I keep a running-"

"He knows exactly what date it was, how long it's been to the _day_ -"

"Shut up!"

" _Anyway_." Kakashi interrupted before they could jump each other again. He sighed. "This is why I made my test so hard it's like herding cats with you people...which is precisely the problem. I can't manhandle you through stringent ninja training. Sure in the other hidden villages you'd have your sense of hope and free will broken then be _forced_ into obedience but we can't do that in Konoha because something something will of fire." He looked over them all. "No. I've been ordered to work you hard, but you'd have to put that effort in yourselves. You all gave me your aspirations for the future. How far are you willing to go to achieve those goals?"

"I'd do anything." Hinata spoke up, even before Naruto could break into a speech. "Nothing can stand in my way."

"Working ridiculous hours?" Kakashi probed. "Intense pain? Training methods that could be defined as cruel and unusual punishment?"

"Anything." Hinata insisted.

Kakashi turned to the pair of boys. "That goes the same for you two?"

Both nodded, determination in their eyes.

"Great!" Kakashi beamed. "Then lets get started." He pushed through the foliage and walked onto the training ground proper. As team seven followed him, they noticed that the ground was already occupied by another genin team, as well as a more senior ninja wearing a...questionable outfit.

"Hey Gai." Kakashi called out. "Mind if we talk for a few minutes?"

* * *

As the two jonin walked away, Gai's hand around Kakashi's shoulders, their respective teams were left alone with each other. It could have been a standoff, but only the girl actually approached them, with one of the boys (looking like a miniature clone of Gai) doing push-ups in the background. The other, a pale child, simply sat and watched the proceedings.

"You're one of the new teams, right?" Said the girl, stuffing her hands into her pockets. "Name's Tenten. What's brought you to our neck of the woods?"

"Damn right!" Said Naruto, immensely proud. "We're team seven! I'm Naruto, this is Sasuke and Hinata. We...don't actually know why we're here."

"Kakashi did go into a long spiel about training beforehand though." Sasuke supplied.

Tenten shuddered. "You poor souls...get out while you still can."

"What?"

"Nothing!" Tenten replied, breezily. She gestured to her companions. "The one in the eyesore of a jumpsuit is Rock Lee. He's...certainly something. And our third teammate is Sai. Good ninja, great painter, but less than perfect at socialising."

Upon hearing his name, the pale boy looked up, and gave a vacant smile. "Hello." He said. "Demon, Orphan, Haircut. It's nice to meet you."

Team seven collectively blinked.

Tenten sighed and turned back to her teammate. "Sai, we talked about this. Don't nickname people immediately after meeting them, and don't give them nicknames that are so negative!"

Sai tilted his head. "But you nickname us offensive things all the time. Just this morning you called Lee a masochistic piece of shi-"

"Insults, Sai, you're confusing nicknames with insults."

She face-palmed and turned back to team seven.

"Well, its good to see we aren't the only dysfunctional genin trio in leaf." Sasuke casually dropped.

"I don't know what you mean." Said Hinata, deadpan.

"You wouldn't." Sasuke sighed, after realising she was being serious.

"Yeah Sasuke, what do you mean dysfunctional?" Naruto added, visibly confused.

The Uchiha looked up to Tenten. "Please help." He mumbled.

The girl put her hand on his shoulder, reassuringly. "I wish I could, fellow sane person. I wish I could..."

"YES!" Came a shout from Kakashi's direction. "I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, KAKASHI!"

There was a blur, and Gai slid to a stop in front of the trio. "Your sensei has always been a tenacious one, genin." He said, eyes closed. "But now he has gone too far, and will finally be defeated!"

"What did he do?" Asked Tenten, apparently used to such dramatic displays.

"Hatake Kakashi has set me a challenge." Gai explained. "He believes that I will be unable to continue my usual training regime while also bolstering his own team physically. And I..." his eyes snapped open. "Will prove him wrong!"

The sun glinted dramatically off his teeth and eyes.

There was a pause.

"Do you make bets like this with Kakashi very often?" Asked Hinata.

"Your sensei has been my rival for years, young ninja." Gai affirmed.

"...what happens to Kakashi if he loses?" Hinata asked, curiously.

"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!" Gai exclaimed. "Now come on! I have you every weekday from five until eight and I do not intend to waste any of it!"

Sasuke blew out a breath. _Okay, three hours a day. This doesn't sound too much more stringent than what I do usually..._

"Get moving ninja!" Gai called. "After we do some stretches we'll get started on some aerobic work! I of course understand that you are all unused to my training methods, so we will begin with only THREE laps around the hidden village! Show me the fires of your youth!"

"He's...joking, right?" Sasuke asked, looking at Tenten.

She shook her head, sadly. "I'm so, so sorry. You're either going to become total beasts or you're going to die."

* * *

Three very exhausted genin fell to the floor in front of Kakashi. "He's...he's a monster." Naruto gasped.

"They've done remarkably well, Kakashi." Gai said from behind them, barely sweating. "I look forward to training with them tomorrow!"

"That was hell...and we were late! you want us to do an extra hour on top of that? Every day?" Sasuke exclaimed.

"If all goes to plan, I will be able to up your training to five hours after about a week!" Gai added, beaming, and jogged back to his team.

"I'm this close to giving up on vengeance." Hinata mumbled. "This. Close."

"You asked for it." Kakashi told them. "No take-backs. Now please lie still for a moment, I need to draw a seal on you all..."

"A seal?" Naruto asked, naturally worried about such things. "What seal?"

"A training seal." Kakashi explained, twirling a paintbrush in his hands. "Gai and Lee use weights, but that's not very elegant and tends to be pretty uneven in how it builds your muscle groups up. This, on the other hand, adds resistance every time you try to move, everywhere, like going through water. It also uses your own chakra to produce this effect, so it helps build up those reserves as well as your muscle."

"Wait, I've heard of this." Sasuke had recovered enough to be breathing normally. "Itachi told me about it. Don't they use it to train ANBU? Because I'm pretty sure it's classed as a kinjutsu because of the possibilities for muscle damage and-"

"You'll be fiiine." Kakashi interrupted. "It has different levels of resistance. I'll leave you on level one rather than three, which is what the ANBU generally use and is like swimming through mud."

"You're speaking from experience." Hinata perceived. Kakashi nodded. "I was dog. And due to experience, I will not force you to use it while training with Gai, because that would be a terrible...terrible mistake..." He trailed off, looking into the distance, before shuddering. "Anyway. Get your tops off, I'll need to see your bare backs."

"Pervert."

"Weirdo."

"What are you reading in those orange books?"

"Now now, save your strength." Kakashi replied. "When I'm done my shadow clone is going to go through all the different jutsu categories with you to get a better idea of your capabilities, then over lunch we'll talk through mixed unit tactics and other important theory, then we'll move onto that tree walking we talked about, then-"

"I've changed my mind." Naruto looked numb. "Gai's fine. _You're_ a monster."

* * *

 **And thus, the pain begins. Hiruzen feels threatened by Danzo, so orders Kakashi to make his students actually train instead of, you know, doing** _ **nothing** _**until the wave mission. Using an exercise seal is hardly original in fanfiction, but whatevs. And yes, I realized the age change for Neji left a gap on team Gai, which I needed to fill, so...Hello Sai! Next chapter, we meet a drunk wave man, and a bridge with Naruto's name on it. (Not literally. Not yet, at least.) Ciao!**


	5. Tora the Deplora(ble) (also demon bros)

**I did not expect to get this much into this small a chapter. It just...fast.**

* * *

 **Tora the Deplora(ble) (also the demon brothers)**

"Greaseball one this is Fox one, please report."

"Naruto, what are you-"

"Codenames, greaseball!"

Naruto heard a sigh through the speaker.

"Greaseball one to Fox one, where exactly did you get this radio system?"

"That's simple, Greaseball." Naruto replied. "I took my frog purse with all our d-rank pay to the fancy electronics store,"

"Uh huh."

"and then I stole the radios from ANBU headquarters."

"For fucks sake Naruto-!"

"Fox one to Bat one, do we have eyes on the target?"

"This is Bat one to Fox one," at least Hinata was getting into things, "the target is approximated forty metres southwest of your position."

"Excellent! That's uh..."

"Make a quarter turn left from your current heading." Greaseball one supplied. "No, left, Naruto you aren't _this_ stupid-"

Three figures darted across Konoha's rooftops. Their feet made nary a sound, their forms were blurs against the weak, early morning light. Their prey never saw them coming. Stealthy as, well, ninja, they converged in a dark alleyway, pinning their target against the wall. He looked back at the three, and hissed. And so began a cacophony of shouts, bangs, and meows.

* * *

 **Many years before.**

An eight year old Neji Hyuuga didn't look up as the door opened. Why would he? The view outside was prettier anyway. And he'd committed years ago to leaving his Byakugan on at all waking hours. He watched the sky while his 360 vision watched the man entering the room.

"Neji?" Said the teacher, quietly.

"Yes, Sensei." Neji acknowledged.

"I've come to discuss your unique situation." The teacher was offput, as usual, by Neji's demeanour.

"In which you restrict my progress?" Neji requested confirmation.

"Yes." Said the teacher, nervously. "As a matter of fact, I have a solution."

"Does it have to do with the Uchiha waiting outside?" Neji asked. He wished the man would get to the point.

"Yes, Neji. Itachi, would you come in here?"

Neji turned then to get a proper look at the boy who walked in. He knew Itachi. Everyone knew Itachi. In fact, Neji had always wanted to meet him; they seemed to have a lot in common. Both the same age, both wielders of a dojutsu, both geinus sons of a powerful clan. But while Itachi was the heir to the Uchiha's leader, Neji was the son of the leader's younger brother. A branch family member. Suffice to say, one boy was not as well known as the other.

Neji stared at him. "Hello."

"Hello." Itachi stared back.

"Itachi's team has come upon some...unexpected changes." The teacher explained. "He needs a new teammate. And you need a team."

"What happened?" Neji asked Itachi.

"We were ambushed." Itachi responded. "My team is dead. Chunin exams are in two months and there are no vacancies on other teams for me."

Neji looked him up and down. "You are eight."

"As are you."

"Do you think you will pass?"

"No."

Neji knew it wasn't the 'pass' part Itachi was denying.

"Do you _know_ you will?"

"Yes."

The Hyuuga tilted his head. "Do you believe in fate, Uchiha Itachi?"

"No. I believe in me." Itachi responded.

Neji focused on the teacher, who was standing in an incredibly awkward manner. "Do you have a third teammate for us?"

"Er, no." The man said. "You would have to function as a two-man team."

Neji looked back at Itachi and smiled. "I'm confident we'll manage."

* * *

 **Present day, at the Hokage's office.**

"That was a paaaain." Naruto groused, sucking the cuts on his fingers. "And they call _me_ a demon. If that cat didn't run away and give genin missions on a bi-weekly basis I'd have scratched it back. _Harder_."

Hinata looked up, concerned. "Did it hurt you, Naruto?"

He grinned back at her. "Nah, I'm a ninja! I'm not going to get taken down by a cat with an attitude problem."

"Given some Inuzuka I've seen, that might not be quite true." Chuckled the Hokage, smiling benignly at the three. "I have in fact heard what I'm sure are baseless rumours about where the Daimyo's wife purchased Tora...in any case congratulations on your tenth successful D-rank mission. I trust you aren't finding them too difficult?"

Sasuke's incredulous "D-ranks? Difficult?" Was overlaid atop Naruto's "Any morning we don't spend with Gai is an _easy_ morning."

Hinata nodded her own approval.

The third looked up. "Kakashi?"

Their sensei was leaning against the corner of the room.

"They're ready, gramps." He agreed. "And they've been pestering me about getting a C-rank since day three."

"You believe it will be good for them?" The Hokage asked.

"I 'believe' they're going to get cabin fever if they don't get out soon. Konoha starts to look pretty small at their age."

Hiruzen nodded slowly. "Very well. I believe I have just the thing."

Naruto's eyes sparkled. "We're getting a C-rank?"

The third nodded. "There is a bridge builder named Tazuna who requires an escort to the land of wave, a small island near to our shores only accesable by boat, though I believe he intends to change that. Your job is to travel with him, protect him from any threats, and guard him while he completes his construction work. With Kakashi to protect you, there shouldn't be anything you can't handle. Not that I doubt your progress, of course."

"Woo!" Naruto jumped up and cheered. "Actual ninja mission! Sasuke are you excited?"

"I guess." He shrugged.

"Hinata?"

"I am, Naruto." _Oh God weeks in the wilderness with Naruto yes yes yes-_

"Kakash-actually never mind. When do we start?"

The third squinted down at his papers. "Lets see...ah yes, you have thirty-five minutes."

After a few seconds of silence, the three genin sprinted out the door, leaving a smiling Hokage in their wake.

* * *

They met Tazuna at the gates to Konoha. He was...about what they had expected.

"Aw great. Children." The elderly man growled, taking a swig from a flask of alcohol. "I request ninja and I get toddlers."

Hinata's eyes flashed. _How dare he insult Naruto-_ "You stand in the presence of a member of the Hyuuga clan and her teammates. Show some respect, commoner."

Tazuna looked down at her, noticing her eyes. "A Hyuuga, huh? I suppose you're not so useless."

"And I am the heir of the Uchiha." Sasuke said, beside her, not one to be outdone. "Same sentiment."

Tazuna looked down at him. "Really? Aren't you supposed to have red eyes?"

Sasuke blinked. "I...haven't unlocked my Sharingan yet."

Tazuna rolled his eyes. "Suuure you haven't."

"Are you _doubting_ my lineage?"

Tazuna shrugged. "What's there to doubt?"

"You son of a-"

"Now now, Sasuke." Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder. "Please do not swear at, nor murder our client." He looked up to Tazuna. "And I assure you. My genin are quite sufficient for your needs and better than what you deserve for your pay. After all, it's not like we'll be up against ninja."

"Right. Of course we won't." Said Tazuna, not looking confident of that at all.

* * *

The demon brothers waited. The jutsu that hid them in bodies of water was holding, and had for the past two hours. Patience was an important tool for a ninja, especially when setting up ambushes or scouting targets. Patience was a virtue, and they had it in spades. It was a virtue the genin walking up the road towards them did not appear to share. They veritably skipped around their Sensei and their charge, not paying any attention at all to their surroundings. The aforementioned Sensei would be more of a problem; but even he didn't look to have caught on to their presence. No matter how skilled he was in combat, he was still human. A knife to the head would kill a jonin just as easily as a civilian. The two missing-nin decided in sync that the left one should make the first throw, and he palmed a kunai.

That was when the group of four was obliterated in a fireball. Both brothers immediately leapt out of their respective puddles and dove sideways, hurling themselves to either side of the road. The hurry to escape the massive ball of death meant they weren't able to set up their spiked chain, leaving them separated with nothing but their gauntlets. That was when they got jumped. A boy with black hair landed on the left brother's back and straightened his legs, slamming the man's body into the floor and probably breaking a few ribs.

A girl with blue hair landed beneath the right brother in a split and struck out at his knee with a palm. That leg went numb, and the girl straightened as he fell and struck out once towards his temple. He fell unconscious immediately.

"Yeah, that's fine." Said a boy with blond hair, approaching from further down the road with his sensei and escortee "I'll just use my shadow clones as the diversion again."

* * *

"That was...impressive." Tazuna allowed, as the group stopped to tie up the attackers. "How did you manage to detect them?"

"My Byakugan could see their chakra from well over fifty metres away." Hinata replied. "Not to mention they were hidden in two puddles when it hasn't rained in weeks."

"Really?" Said Naruto. "That's awesome, Hinata!"

She blushed.

"Did you see that great fireball jutsu?" Sasuke chipped in, casually. "That was the signature technique of the Uchiha clan, right there."

Tazuna shrugged. "Don't you live in the _land of fire_? I doubt it's exclusive."

"You refuse to believe I'm from a great ninja family don't you?"

Tazuna 'hmm'd, then shook his head.

"Alright, that should do it." Kakashi spoke up. He tightened one last rope then straightened, putting his hands together and muttering "shadow clone jutsu."

An identical copy appeared next to him and, without preamble, picked up the two hostages.

"Where did that come from?" Tazuna asked, still unused to the concept of ninjutsu. "Is it real? What's it doing?"

"It's real enough to go drop these two off back in leaf and cash the bounties in." Kakashi replied.

Hinata looked at him. "It will last that long?"

"I gave it half my chakra and it uses that up moving. It'll last about a month if I leave it, but it'll probably dispel soon after getting back." Kakashi explained.

"It's well programmed enough to do that?" Hinata asked.

"It's not programmed. It thinks." Their sensei replied. "It's pretty much a carbon copy of me but it blows up when you hit it."

"That sounds useful, which explains why Naruto uses it..." Hinata mulled. "Teach it to me."

"Maybe when we get to wave." Kakashi replied. "Now then." He turned on Tazuna, glaring. "Care to explain why we just got attacked by two infamous chunin level missing-nin?"

The bridge builder paled.

* * *

What followed was a ten minute explanation-slash-tirade-slash-pity-bait about how some merchant lord was bankrupting his country, and was sufficiently cross about Tazuna's attempts at freedom to send assassins after him.

"If I can't get this bridge finished," he concluded. "We're doomed. We've barely got any hope left. I can die, it doesn't matter. But if this bridge isn't built before-"

"You're repeating yourself." Kakashi supplied.

"Everything will be horrible and my grandkids will be depressed and my dead family will go unavenged and puppies will be kicked. Which is why I had to lie about how dangerous it could be. I could barely afford you as it is." Tazuna finished.

"Vengeance is important." Sasuke empathised.

Hinata nodded, solemnly.

"Uh huh." Said Kakashi. "Those are very honourable reasons, and I applaud you. But you've dealt with us in good faith and put my genin in danger, so standard procedure says we're going to have to ditch you."

" _ **What**_?"

Kakashi turned. His three students were looking at him with outraged expressions. "...Am I to understand you disagree?"

"We can't give up because of a challenge." Sasuke growled. "This is my first real mission. I _won't_ go home and say it was a failure."

"I need to grow stronger." Hinata stated. "This is a perfect opportunity to test my skills."

"Do any of you actually care about the sob story?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto tentatively raised his hand.

The jonin sighed. "Really? You're all dead set on this?"

"I, for one, am not abandoning the kickable puppies." Naruto admitted.

Kakashi sighed again. "I _suppose,_ the fact that you finessed those two just now suggests they aren't really much stronger than what you'd expect for a mission like this..."

They cheered. Well, Naruto cheered, and the other two had self satisfied looks on their faces.

"Alright alright. Hinata, take point. We've still got another three days to go before we reach wave. If you're determined to risk your lives let's limit how long it takes, shall we?"

* * *

 **Flashbacks, wave, and setting up a running gag I am on fire this week.**

 **Next saturday (provided the return of school doesn't crush me *shudders*) we get the introduction of Zabuzza and best boy Haku to try and steal Naruto's love away from the person who, let's be real, he's _actually_ going to end up with.**

 **Sasuke.**

 **Like, Subscribe, and follow me on pinterest byeeeee**


	6. Hidden mist hiding hidden in mist jutsu

**If this doesn't quite come out on time it's because I'm in the woods at the time I'd usually post it.**

 **Hidden mist hiding in the mist with the hiding in the hidden mist technique**

Neji ate dinner with his family.

"A two man team?" Asked Hizashi. "So they continue to try and limit your progress?

"He is still four whole years ahead of normal graduation, darling." Said Hizashi's wife, smiling. "Who's your partner, sweetie?"

Neji breathed in. "Itachi Uchiha."

Hizashi frowned. "I...see. Do you work together well?"

"We haven't had much opportunity to test that yet. However I think we can get along. He seems...reasonable."

"Reasonable isn't the word I would use to describe setting the nine-tails on the village." Hizashi murmured, darkly.

"Itachi was five when it happened." Neji pointed out. "I doubt he had a hand in it."

"This might actually be a good thing." Pointed out his mother. "If he's being put together with Itachi, that must mean that the academy is taking him seriously."

Hizashi nodded, thinking it through. "That's a point. If you graduate to Chunin alongside or before Itachi, you will make waves amongst the ninja community. It will be hard for them to ignore you."

Neji nodded. "I appreciate the opportunity."

Hizashi smiled at his son. "Good. If you would like, I could step up your training?"

Neji shook his head. "Sorry father. I have been called into the main branch compound tonight."

That ruined his father's mood. He absently scratched at the caged bird seal on his forehead. "Oh? What does my dear brother want with you now? Perhaps to cripple you before you start?"

"Hizashi!" His wife swatted him.

Neji shook his head. "No, father." He blushed slightly. "I'm babysitting Hinata this evening."

"...Ah. I see."

* * *

Itachi ate dinner with his family.

"A two man team?" Asked Fugaku. "They couldn't find two genin to put you with?"

"There have been no other team losses since the last graduation." Itachi responded. "And Neji is the only one ready to graduate right now."

"Neji Hyuuga?" Fugaku gaped. "And you agreed to this?"

"Of course." Itachi replied. "I understand that he represents the best to come out of their family this generation. I have no reason to believe we will quarrel."

"No quarrel?" Scoffed Fugaku. "They are only our biggest rival in the village!"

Itachi kept silent. His father sighed and palmed his forehead. "There is no other?"

"Father, even if I waited until next graduation" Itachi said carefully, "I doubt anyone else would be able to keep up with me."

"Well, I think having a friendly rival would be good for Itachi." Said his mother, brusquely. "I know he has Shisui, but if he's going to be on a team with someone else then it's important to be on fighting terms with them. Or so I understand. Ninja children are ridiculous I swear..."

"Well, I suppose." Fugaku allowed. "You will, of course, not allow him to _beat_ you,"

"Of course not." Itachi smiled. "We start our first mission in a week. Is there any jutsu you think it's important teach me before I go?"

"Well, I could-"

"Ah ah ah!" Mikoto snapped a finger up. "If you're leaving in a week then remember your other obligations, young man."

"Big-big brother's going away?" A three year old Sasuke blinked, looking up from his plastic plate.

Itachi smiled at his younger brother. "Not right now, Sasuke, don't worry."

The boy smiled.

* * *

They were a day out from wave when Kakashi got killed. The only warning they got was a gasp from Hinata before there was a blur and Kakashi had been cut in two by a massive meat-cleaver of a broadsword. It then turned out that Kakashi was actually a log, and the real Kakashi jumped out launching a kunai at the sword's wielder. Said swordsman took the kunai right in the side of the head, before disintegrating into a pool of water. Then the real swordsman (who none of the genin could even discern features of, he was that fast) came and bisected Kakashi again, only this time Kakashi popped and vanished completely. The swordsman, evidently tired of this game, jumped up to land on the branch of a nearby tree. Mouth covered by bandages, he turned to stare imperiously down at them.

"The Demon of the Mist." Said the real Kakashi (probably) appearing beside his students. "Momochi Zabuzza. Or is it Zabuzza Momochi? I can never remember..."

"Demon of the mist?" Naruto asked. "Like the demon brothers we just beat up? Is this, like, their dad?"

"No relation." Replied Zabuzza, in a gravelly voice. "Though I'll thank you for putting them away, they were giving my moniker a bad rep." He focused on their jonin, and everyone felt the killing intent. "Sharingan Kakashi. I've always wanted to meet you."

"Sharingan?" Sasuke asked, confused.

"Ordinarily I'd offer to let you surrender the civilian to me," Zabuzza continued, ignoring the bridge builder's whimpering. "But then you might agree and rob me of the chance to fight you, and I can't have that at all. I will allow your children to run away, if they want?"

"Hey kids." Kakashi said, not looking back. "You want to run away like scaredy cats?"

"Nope."

"Nuh-uh."

"No thank you, sensei."

"They're all fine, thanks." Kakashi told Zabuzza. The missing-nin chuckled. "Have it your way."

He put his hands together.

"Hiding in the mist jutsu!"

And the mist came in.

"That'll be from the, uh, 'hidden mist' village huh?" Naruto quipped, nervously. He looked to his left, and Kakashi was gone. He gulped, head turning, but he could barely see his palm in front of his face.

"Naruto!" His arm was grabbed, and he jerked away on principle, before realising it was Hinata who had took hold of him. Veins bulged out from her eyes. "I can see through it." She said. "The Uchiha is with Tazuna, we need to move!"

She yanked, and Naruto followed.

"How can he find us in this?" He asked.

Kakashi's voice came out from the mist. "He's a master of blind assassinations! He can track you by sound alone!"

That, at least, Naruto had a solution for. He grinned, and slapped his hands together. "Shadow clone jutsu!" The clearing was filled with almost a dozen Naruto. They all then began screaming.

"WHO CAN TAKE A SUNRISE-"

"AUTOGLASS REPAIR AUTOGLASS REPLACE-"

"IF YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES HAVE BEEN MISSOLD PPI-"

"That should make things harder for him." Naruto grinned at Hinata, though he immediately grimaced. "Okay, I just lost one. Lets make this snappy, huh?"

He could almost make out the blush on Hinata's cheeks as she nodded and pulled him forwards again. When they reached Tazuna, Sasuke had just thrown a kunai through the hole in Zabuzza's sword, taking him in the face, but he simply dissolved into a puddle.

"Water clones." Sasuke spat. "At least two more of them. Hinata's the only one who can fight; we need to get rid of this mist."

"Can you great fireball it?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke snorted. "And evaporate the rest of the water? Try again."

"Okay..." Naruto growled, performing another "shadow clone jutsu!" to replenish the dwindling supply. "Anyone know any wind jutsu?"

"I...might know something." Hinata spoke up. "Everyone get within a few metres of me."

They acquiesced. She let out a breath and focused, getting into a strange looking stance. Then began to move her feet as chakra was visibly expelled from all over her body. "Eight trigrams; Rotation!" She called.

A swirling blue dome of chakra surrounded her and her companions, blowing away all the mist in her nearby vicinity. Unfortunately, it also blew away _everyone_ in her immediate vicinity.

With startled shouts, her two teammates and Tazuna were bodily picked up and flung out the dome.

Sasuke had the good sense to substitute with Tazuna mid flight, so when a water clone swung at the man it instead found itself overextended against a much smaller target. Sasuke dodged and stabbed. Naruto grabbed Tazuna (who lacked all resistance at this point) and ran back to Hinata, who was preoccupied with her own water clone.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-" she was repeating, as she ducked under a massive sword swing. Naruto released Tazuna and flung a kunai in the clone's general direction. Said clone (not as capable of thought as a shadow variant) brought its sword up to block the knife, and wasn't prepared for Hinata reaching up to it's face. The chakra burst was powerful enough to blow the construct's head off.

"-I'm sorry I'm sorry." Hinata finished, panting. "I had to learn that technique from books I didn't know it would-"

"Hey, it's okay." Naruto reassured her. "You got rid of the mist, at least."

She had; most of the fog had been dispelled to the corners of the clearing.

"Any more water clones?" Naruto asked her.

She shook her head. "No. Just the original, over with...oh."

They all looked across to the body of water Zabuzza had been conjuring his jutsu from.

Zabuzza stood there, on the water's surface, with Kakashi held in a water prison.

"This is a little embarrassing." The jonin sighed.

"Well well, you're alive." Zabuzza remarked. "I'm impressed. Now if you just wait two seconds while I kill your sensei, I'll get right to you."

"Alright team." Naruto told his teammates. "We need to get our sensei free. I think if we try and do the thing we did against Kakashi, it might-guys?" Tazuna blinked at him. Sasuke and Hinata were already gone.

"Great fireball jutsu!" Yelled the former, aiming for Kakashi's water prison.

"Eight trigrams, thirty two palms!" Exclaimed the latter, beelining for Zabuzza. The missing-nin tch'd.

Unable to stop both attacks with one hand occupied, he was forced to prioritise Hinata, and used his free hand to perform the seals for a simple "water bullet jutsu!". The projectile caught the jumping girl, sending her flying backwards, but the fireball still collided against Kakashi's prison. Water may do well against fire, but a good portion of the front of the barrier evaporated, letting Kakashi jump free. If the high temperature steam bothered him, he didn't show it. "Well done, kiddies." He told them, lightly stepping onto the water's surface. "Let me handle this next part."

"Handle me, will you?" Zabuzza chuckled, darkly. "What makes you think that will go better than it just did?"

"Well..." said Kakashi. He reached a hand up to his headband and lifted it, revealing a red iris with three comma like dots in it. "I guess you could say that I have an _eye_ for such things."

"Sharingan..." Sasuke whispered to himself. "What the fuck..?"

What followed was genuinely creepy. Kakashi and Zabuzza mirrored each other perfectly, going through a complex series of hand signs with identical rhythm and calling out "water dragon jutsu!" At the exact same time. But Kakashi's dragon rose from the lake first. It smashed through Zabuzza's technique and collided with him, snapping the mist ninja up in its jaws and ramming him into a tree on the shore. He sank to his knees. Kakashi was in front of him in an instant, pulling a kunai.

"Any last words?" Asked the copy ninja, lazily.

Zabuzza coughed. "Sure. Tell the-"

"Too slow." Kakashi brought his kunai up.

That was when two needles hit Zabuzza in the neck. He stiffened, and collapsed.

"Was that...you?" Naruto asked, tentatively.

Another ninja dropped down from the treeline. The genin took a step back.

"Thank you for your assistance, ninja of Konoha." It said, in an effeminate voice. The clothing it wore was unobtrusive, except for its white face mask that obscured all its features. Two braids of hair fell over it's shoulders. "I was sent by hidden mist to retrieve the body of the traitor Zabuzza, I trust you understand."

"We understand." Responded Kakashi, evenly.

"We do?" Checked a confused Naruto.

"Clan secrets." Hinata explained. "If a Hyuuga betrayed leaf, hunter-nin would be dispatched to make sure the secrets of the Byakugan weren't spread to other nations." She scowled. "Of course, if a Hyuuga escaped who was too powerful to be captured, we wouldn't bother."

The hunter-nin had shouldered the ex-Zabuzza. "I will ensure your village is sent an appropriate sum for your assistance. Farewell." It said, before jumping up into the trees.

Hinata, who had been staring at the body the whole time, let out a gasp. "Sensei! Stop them!" She was too late; the masked ninja had vanished into the trees.

"What's wrong?" Asked Kakashi.

"I can see his chakra!" Hinata exclaimed. "I thought it was just residue, but, he's still alive sensei!"

...

A bird chirped in the distance.

This time, it was Kakashi who swore.

* * *

Wave was not a happy looking place, and it was not a happy group that entered the village. Tazuna led the four ninja through dirty streets and alleys, past dilapidated houses and downturned faces. All four of the visitors (not to mention their guide) were soaked from the mist and water techniques. The kids were all bruised from being flung around by Hinata's rotation technique, and Kakashi seemed exhausted, barely able to continue walking. Tazuna looked very much like he'd suffered worse hardships before.

Eventually they came across a certain house that Tazuna walked up to, and he knocked twice on the the door. It opened very slowly, and a face peeked through. "Grandpa!" The child rushed out and collided with Tazuna, crushing him in a hug. "Hey there, Inami." The old man chuckled. "Where's your mother, huh?"

"She's inside." Inami replied, letting go, before noticing team seven. "Grandpa? Who are these people?"

"They are here to help us, Inami." Tazuna's face turned grim. "Now lets go inside. We and your mother have a lot to talk about."

Dinner was a relatively simple affair. Despite Tazuna declaring it a 'feast in their honour' for saving his life multiple times, the fare was minuscule, and Naruto barely had enough common decency not to complain about it. Tazuna had said they'd been hit hard by Gatou's blockade, but he hadn't realised it was _this_ hard.

"So you fought...demons?" Asked Inari's mother, not very familiar with ninja.

"Ninja calling themselves demons." Kakashi replied, somehow eating without removing his mask. "Less horns, more swords."

"Well, I think it all sounds very impressive." The woman said. "You think you'll be able to do it then? Keep Tazuna safe until the bridge is complete?"

"Believe it!" Naruto answered, grinning. "Team seven is the greatest genin team to come out of Konoha in years! Nothing Gatou can send is gonna stop us!"

"You're wrong." Came a mumble.

It was Inari. "Nobody can beat Gatou. People have tried. They were all killed."

"Kid." Sasuke started, but Inari burst out "You're all crazy! People go out thinking they're heroes and they all get killed! You're going to die too!"

" _Inari_!" Chastened his mother, but he'd already jumped down from the table and ran off into the house. The woman sighed. "Sorry about him. He lost his father to Gatou's men, and he hasn't taken it well." She looked up to Tazuna. "Are you really sure they can do this? I mean no offence but, we couldn't really afford Konoha's best."

"The little girl and the teacher are both from massively famous ninja clans." Tazuna explained. "I'm confident."

"Uh, Kakashi's not from a famous clan." Sasuke interceded. "I am."

"Really?" Said Tazuna. "Because it seems to me like _he_ has the Sharingan and _you_ don't."

"I..." Sasuke paused. Opened his mouth. Closed it. Turned to Kakashi. "Are you going to correct him on this?"

"Correct him on what?" Kakashi replied, perfectly innocently. "I think it's time you stopped pretending to be famous, Sasuke. The clever builder clearly hasn't fallen for it.

Sasuke's jaw hit the floor.

He didn't speak for the rest of the meal.

* * *

 **For those of you who haven't caught on yet, Sasuke swears in every chapter. No exceptions. Zabuzza fight! Yay! Hinata shows off some more of her capabilities; I plan for her to develop most of the clan jutsu we've seen before the end of the sasuke retrieval arc (what am I going to do with that? For me to know and you to find out.) Then we'll see whether we go into shippuden or not. For now, we have a training montage to get through, and a trap to get better acquainted with!**


	7. Training Montage 1

**Training Montage #1**

* * *

Important rules of the Shadow Clone Technique:

-Chakra is split evenly between the user and the shadow clones, which can use their share freely. ( _Shadow clones have full chakra networks, can use the shadow clone technique_ )

-Shadow clones possess identical mental faculties to their caster. They can operate completely freely, though will generally follow their caster's orders.

-Shadow clones possess identical physical capabilities to the caster. ( _Do not fatigue, but cannot open eight gates_ )

-When a shadow clone is dispelled, it's memories and chakra is shared between the caster and all remaining shadow clones.

-The user's chakra can regenerate naturally, but shadow clones' will not ( _Shadow clones can build up/distribute sage chakra? Use sage mode? Yes. Summoning and dispelling clones can be abused to give existing clones more chakra? Yes. Warning: It's hard to maintain sage mode with multiple shadow clones. Personal limit: 3_ )

-Shadow clones can interact physically, but will be dispelled upon receiving a solid hit or fully depleting their chakra. ( _Armour techniques/sage mode can increase resistance? Yes x2_ )

-Even with sufficient chakra, shadow clones' chakra pathways will eventually decay due to having no real body. This process is accelerated for clones of clones. ( _longest single clone maintained: 63 days. Longest chain: 137 days.)_

 _-_ Warning: Summoning too many clones at once such as with the Multi Shadow Clone Technique can incapacitate or even kill ninja without high enough chakra reserves.

- _Excerpt from 'Don't Fuck With These' Scroll, notes scribbled by Namikaze Minato_.

* * *

The next day, Kakashi took the three genin out into the woods. "Today," He told them, "my shadow clone is guarding Tazuna while he works. Tomorrow either yours will be, or you will be, it's up to you which."

"Hinata mentions she wants to learn the shadow clone jutsu and now you're putting stakes on it?" Sasuke grumbled. He was still upset about Tazuna ignoring his heritage.

"I like to think of myself as a motivator. Now then," Kakashi summoned another clone. "This new friend is going to take you and Hinata through the theory of the technique. Naruto, as you've already aced it, you're coming with me."

He then walked off into the woods. Naruto shrugged, waved half-heartedly to his teammates, and followed.

Kakashi stopped when he reached a fast running river, sitting on a rock and looking back at his third genin. "So, now we're alone. Why are you upset?"

Naruto blinked. "Upset? Why would I be upset?"

Kakashi's visible eye rolled. "Kid, you've been alone your whole childhood until maybe Sasuke at the start of the ninja academy. You're always upset. Of course you're really good at hiding it, but ever since we started this trip something's been getting you down. Spill."

Naruto shuffled. He was not used to being read that easily. Mulling the problem over in his head, he tried to think of the best way to explain it, before eventually blurting out "Am I useless?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"It's just," the examples started pouring out. "Against the demon brothers I did pretty much nothing, against Zabuzza I did even less, they always thrash me when we're sparring, I _still_ haven't got the hang of tree walking," Naruto inhaled. "It just doesn't really feel like I'm doing much for the team, sensei."

Kakashi looked at him for a long moment.

"What weight level are you on?" He asked.

"Huh?" Naruto replied.

"On your seal." Kakashi explained. "Which resistance level are you using?"

"Oh, three." Naruto said, nonplussed. "I couldn't really feel one, I moved up to this about a week ago."

Kakashi sighed. "Naruto, Sasuke's on level two. Hinata only just moved up to level two before we left."

"So?" Said Naruto, stubbornly. "Doesn't mean I can actually do anything."

Kakashi thought about how to explain it. "Have you ever played any video games?"

"Sometimes." Naruto hedged.

"You know how in teams everyone has different roles they have to fill to have the best effectiveness?"

"Yeah..." Naruto was thinking about it.

"Well ninja teams often work in the same way. Take the legendary sannin."

"Didn't they break up and now one's a terrorist?"

"Yes but before that, they were amazing." Kakashi waved a hand for emphasis. "Here's how they worked in a standard engagement:

Tsunade was up front. She was the physical powerhouse, high durability, high physical damage. Jiraiya was up behind her, and he was the ninjutsu guy. Fire and earth were his specialty; he could control the terrain to make things easier for Tsunade, and blow anyone he got a bead on to pieces. Then there was Orochimaru in the back, making use of long range ninjutsu, genjutsu, or pure trickery to keep enemies still for the others to take out and bailing his teammates when things got tough."

Naruto sat down and narrowed his eyes. "Hinata is Tsunade...Sasuke is Orochimaru...so I'm Jiraiya?"

Kakashi beamed under his mask. "Good, but not quite. There are parallels between your team and the Sannin, but you aren't identical. Hinata is far less durable than Tsunade, for example. She's more suited as a striker; moving in fast and eliminating targets that are in the enemy backlines setting up big jutsu."

"So where does that leave me?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi noted the hope in his voice. "Well, lets think about it. Nothing is set in stone, of course, your body still needs to fully mature. Right now though you're not the most agile of fighters, and your chakra control isn't fine enough for genjutsu. BUT-" he raised his voice as Naruto started to look sad again. "You're incredibly strong and durable for your age, and your chakra supplies are frankly ridiculous."

"...How ridiculous?" Naruto asked, hesitantly.

"One of the things I'm teaching your teammates is that when you form shadow clones, your chakra is split evenly between you and the clones you create. But your body needs a minimum level to keep functioning." Kakashi answered. "Naruto when you fought Mizuki, you reportedly created several hundred shadow clones. I'm not sure how much of that was the demon fox, but if I was left with a hundredth of my current chakra, I'd probably collapse. Sasuke or Hinata would die."

"Oh." Naruto looked down at himself with a little concern. "Wait, how come I can't just spam some super-OP jutsu then?"

"Because, like I said, your chakra control sucks right now." Kakashi deadpanned. "Any technique you use costs over double what it really should, and you don't have the subtlety for the more complex techniques, like the water dragon I used on Zabuzza. The shadow clone jutsu was a godsend for you, it splits your chakra rather than spends it. But, we can work on that. In the future, you might end up as a hybrid taijutsu-ninjutsu tank. Augmenting your physical attacks with powerful jutsu and a whole lot of shadow clones; a big credible threat to do most of the damage while Hinata and Sasuke shut down the things about to pull the moves on you."

"You make it sound like I'd be the backbone of the team." Naruto murdered.

"That's exactly what you'd be, Naruto." Kakashi replied. He took a moment to savour the awe on the boy's face. "Of course, that would mean a lot of responsibility."

Naruto nodded, seriously. "I'd never want to let down my teammates."

"In which case, we'd better get you in fighting shape." Kakashi replied, hopping off his rock. "Can't have you being useless, after all."

"Right!" Naruto agreed with a smile. A genuine smile. "What do I do, Kakashi sensei?"

"First, make five or so shadow clones." Kakashi instructed.

Naruto nodded, and made six.

"Excellent." Kakashi looked at the clones and pointed at the river. "You lot. Practice water walking."

"What?" Asked Naruto, dumbfounded.

"You get their memories when they pop." Kakashi explained. "Congrats, you get to learn water walking six times as fast without lifting a finger."

"Huh." Naruto responded.

"Now the real you can follow me. We're going to see which element you have an affinity for."

* * *

That evening, Naruto walked in looking thoroughly exhausted. When asked, he just said that Kakashi had been working him super hard, and as he seemed to be in a much better mood than he had that morning, they didn't push it.

* * *

The next day, Naruto petitioned Kakashi to let him work alone, and the sensei agreed. Both of his teammates had managed to summon one shadow clone to follow Tazuna to work on the bridge, and Kakashi worked with them to see if they could manage another two at once. Splitting your chakra more than into four, the sensei said, was far too dangerous for any non-Naruto genin. Naruto created eleven, just to watch the horror on their faces now they understood the jutsu's actual requirements. One went to the bridge, six went to continue water walking, and four went with him to continue working on his jutsu. After watching him try out a few E-rank nature transformation techniques, Kakashi concluded that Naruto's primary affinity was for air, very rare in the land of fire. The jutsu he was currently working on was the most generic 'attack' of the wind element; a gust of air to blow away things in front of him. It was tiring as hell, but yesterday's progress with water walking had actually helped his chakra control a little. The technique was getting easier.

He slapped his palms together and prepared to mess up another section of forest. "Wind style, great air-"

"STOP!"

Naruto stopped.

"Don't fire your ninja magic that direction, there are some herbs I need and I can't have you tearing them up at the roots!"

Naruto turned to the left. Stood there, holding a hand out towards him in warning, was a very attractive girl. She had long black hair, a pink kimono, and big brown eyes that were currently narrowed at him very angrily.

"Uh." Naruto said, eloquently.

The girl seemed to relax slightly. "Sorry. But my master's really hurt, and I need these to help him." She walked up and in front of him, and started picking some of the pieces of grass that, to Naruto, looked a lot like the rest of the grass. With nothing better to do, Naruto knelt down beside her. "Your master, huh? Sounds like you care a lot about him."

"I do." She replied, with certainty. "He's my world."

"That's...pretty big." Naruto acknowledged.

She looked across at him. "You don't have anyone like that?"

He shrugged. "I have loads of people I care about. You know when you look at someone you've been around for a while and you're like 'yep, I would definitely fight to keep you safe'."

The girl giggled. "I know the feeling, yes."

"Well, I've got lots of people like that. My teammates for one, my sensei for another. I don't think I could say one is more important than the others, though."

The girl blinked. "But what happens if you have to choose one over another? Only one person can be the most important. There's only one king on a shogi board."

Naruto tilted his head at her. "That's...not how it works, though."

"It isn't?"

"No. Your master...do you just, how do I put this, _just_ care about him _more_ than everyone else?"

"What?"

"Like if you cared about enough people a little, it could add up to one of him?"

"No." The girl replied, sounding almost offended. "You can't put a _number_ on how much I care about him. Numbers don't describe it properly."

"Exactly!" Naruto snapped his fingers. "That's what it's like for me. You can't put a _number_ on the people I'll protect, so you can't compare them to each other. They're all just...there. At the top."

The girl was looking at him almost in awe. "How do you do it? How...how do you have so much to give?"

Naruto shrugged. "I didn't used to have anyone. But recently I've found out that really, the more you give, the more you have." The mood was somber for a moment, before his eyes brightened. "Look, I'll show you. What's your name?"

"Haku." The girl replied.

"Well, Haku." Said Naruto, extending a hand. "Hi! I'm Naruto. Would you like to be my friend?"

"Yes, Naruto." Haku replied, taking the hand and smiling. "I'd like that very much."

* * *

When Naruto came back, talking about a nice girl he'd made friends with in the woods, Hinata's expression grew very dark very quickly, and she didn't say a word the whole evening.

* * *

The next day, Hinata asked to be allowed to train on her own in the forest, as she had mastered the shadow clone jutsu as much as her chakra reserves would allow. Kakashi acquiesced, which was what led to her sprinting through the treetops with her Byakugan activated. It took her over an hour of searching to find her objective, at which point she shed momentum and altitude. When she came upon the target, she was walking along the grassy floor.

"Hi!" She called out, in a very cheery voice. "Haku, right?"

Her target blinked, looking up at her. "Um, yes. Oh, you must be one of Naruto's friends, right?"

Hinata nodded, smiling. "Yes! He talked about you all yesterday evening, I just had to come meet you."

"Really?" Said Haku. Hinata's Byakugan picked out the blush that formed. "I...didn't know I had such an effect on him."

"Oh, you had quite the effect alright." Hinata replied. Her voice dropped a few tones. "I daresay he hasn't the foggiest who you really are."

Haku's head tilted.

"I'm curious." Hinata asked, shifting her weight slightly and letting her Byakugan roam all over her target. "A self proclaimed apothecary assistant might have need of a pouch filled to the brim with senbon needles. But I'm not sure why one would need such an _advanced_ chakra system." Her eyes narrowed. "Or have a face identical to the one a missing-nin wore behind their mask three days ago."

Haku giggled nervously. "I'm sure I don't know what-"

The senbon were out of her pocket and flying before Hinata could react. Five of them punctured her flesh in various nerve clusters across her body. She gasped-

And exploded into smoke.

Haku's eyes widened as the real Hinata jumped out of the nearby forest, a gentle fist aimed straight at her opponents forehead. The missing-nin was barely able to move out of the way, jumping off through the clearing and hurling another handful of senbon. Hinata tracked them with her Byakugan and batted them from the air easily, giving chase. Haku grimaced, hands forming seals in front of her. "Air cutter jutsu!"

Hinata saw the sharpened wind coming towards her, and judged that getting behind a tree wouldn't save her, so she threw herself sideways. She felt the air slice off a lock of her hair. She rolled and got back to her feet, but Haku was fast; the missing-nin was already reaching the edge of Hinata's Byakugan range and she doubted she'd be able to catch up, even if she turned off the training seal. Grinding her teeth, she watched her target escape.

* * *

"We have a problem." Hinata remarked, walking back into the clearing with the rest of her team. "Haku is the ninja in the mask, Zabuzza's compatriot. That means they're definitely still here, and they're definitely coming back to finish their job."

"Oh. Fuck." Sasuke remarked.

"Oh, and Naruto?" Hinata turned to the blond with a victorious smile. "Did you know that the Byakugan can see through clothes? I just thought I'd warn you. Haku is a boy."

The trees rustled in the distance.

"...WHAT?"

* * *

 **Poor poor Naruto, getting attracted to best boy Haku. All of our characters continue to be psychologically broken, and we train for the inevitable bridge fight.**

 **I included a guide to shadow clones because there's a lot of misconceptions about how they work, which the anime doesn't help much (No just summon over a thousand in the war arc and have each one be kage level thats fine-) So I tried to explain them in a way that works and makes sense. If I'm wrong, shit, cos that's how I'm using them and I'm not changing it. See you all next week!**


	8. We'll Burn That Bridge when we Get To It

**"We'll Burn That Bridge when we Get To It"**

* * *

 **Ten years ago.**

While Neji was gazing into the fire, he also saw Itachi sit up in his tent with a strangled gasp. The Uchiha's eyes were wide for a moment before he carefully controlled his expression, and got out of his sleeping roll. He walked up to Neji and sat down next to him, poking at the fire and casually asking, "How goes the watch?"

"Nothing as of yet." Neji replied simply. The pair were escorting a fire noble on a trip up to wind country; the man had been understandably concerned about leaving protection of himself and his retinue to two children, but had been placated somewhat by a demonstration of the pair's dojutsu.

"Good." Itachi replied, simply, joining Neji in staring into the fire. Neji wondered what he saw there.

They had been a team for two weeks now, and hadn't said more than a few sentences to each other. Both were perfectly comfortable with it, but there was still an undercurrent of antagonism there Neji wanted rid of.

"Did you have a nightmare?" He asked.

Itachi gave him a sharp look. "I assure you I will be fully prepared if we are attacked."

"I don't doubt your ability will be unaffected." Neji appeased. "But that isn't what I asked."

There was a long silence.

"The war." Itachi eventually said.

Neji quickly understood. "You fought in it?"

"Not officially, but I witnessed the aftermaths of several battles. One time I saw a struggling ninja, begging for water, so I went down and helped him." Itachi stared back into the fires. "He attacked me the moment he opened his eyes. It was my first kill. I was four; I didn't fully understand what I'd done for a week."

"And that was the nightmare?"

Itachi nodded. "Can I tell you something? I hate violence."

"A pacifist ninja?" Neji tried to keep the disbelief out of his voice. "So you fight for peace?"

"Counterproductive, I know." A smile pulled at the corner of Itachi's mouth. "I want to make the world a better place. Being a ninja wasn't my first choice, but...I'm just so _good_ at it."

"So like me, you had little choice." Neji mused. "I always felt I was fated to be a ninja."

"You really believe in fate, don't you? What will you do when fate turns against you?"

"You can't _fight_ fate."

"I thought fighting was the thing us ninja are good at?" Itachi pointed out.

Neji looked across at him in surprise. "If fate can be changed, what's the point in it at all?"

"Exactly." Itachi pointed out.

"...I can see we're going to have a lot of interesting conversations." Neji stood up and stretched his neck. "I wasn't going to wake you, but there is a contingent of ninja moving up on our location."

"I noticed." Itachi admitted, getting to his feet as well. "I was about to excuse myself and go after them."

"Want to take them out together?" Neji asked.

Itachi nodded, smiling. "Yes. I'd like that."

* * *

 **Present day, five days after reaching wave.**

"You finish tomorrow?" Kakashi asked.

Tazuna nodded. "The main body of the bridge is practically done. We lift one last piece into place, lash a few things together, and we're sorted."

"Well, perfect." Kakashi sighed. "Tazuna, I strongly recommend you and your men take the day off tomorrow."

"What? Impossible!" The old man exclaimed.

"They _are_ going to attack." Kakashi replied, evenly. "We're lucky Zabuzza took as long to recover as he has. Tommorow they are going to come to the bridge, and _we_ are going to go to the bridge, and we are going to be killing each other. I would strongly advise that you not get in the middle of that."

Tazuna sighed. "I'm afraid that's not possible, master ninja. These people know the bridge is almost finished. It doesn't matter if I go in tomorrow and die, but it will crush them if I give up this close."

"Why?" Everyone's eyes turned to Inari. He had been avoiding them at dinners so far, taking his plate up to his room and eating alone. Tonight, however, he couldn't seem to bring himself to go. "Why put your life on the line like that?"

Tazuna sighed. "Sonny, I have to-"

"No you don't!" Inari cried out. "I...I don't want you to die, grandpa."

"You lost your father, right?" Hinata asked.

Inari looked across at her. He nodded.

"Me too." Hinata said. Inari's eyes widened.

"He didn't get to choose his death." She continued. "He didn't get to lay his life on the line for a cause he believed in. He was murdered in his own home. Maybe he died defending his family, my mother...I don't know. Which is good, because if he'd sacrificed his life for nothing I'd have felt the same way you feel."

Inari's eyes were wide.

"Fortunately, that isn't the case. Your father died defending something he believed in. That is honourable. You are upset that your father died, and I can empathise with that. So are you going to whinge about the concept of heroism, or are you going to do something about it?"

There was a pause as everyone stared at the normally quiet girl.

"Well, talk no jutsu aside." Kakashi spoke. "I've had an idea."

* * *

It was a strange procession that walked through Wave the next morning. Tazuna at the head, with Kakashi at his left hand. The pair were flanked by team 7. Two lots of team 7, actually. Two Sasuke on the left, two Naruto on the right, and two Hinata behind. Shadow clones were really useful for showing off. They had significantly more presence now than when they had arrived, and the people in the surrounding houses took notice, whispering to each other about the bridge builder and his ninja procession.

Work began.

There was relatively little left to do, and the work was simple. Tazuna had been alone for the last two days, and he worked in silence on the simpler tasks as team seven arrayed themselves around the bridge. His eyes were shifty, looking around for the attack to come. Fortunately, when it did, it made little effort to be stealthy. A wave of mist rose from the water's surface, swamping the bridge.

"Naruto." Kakashi addressed the blond, who nodded. He and his shadow clone clapped their hands together. "Wind style! Buffeting wind jutsu!"

A doubled up gust caught the clouds of mist and blew them backwards, clearing them to the sides of the bridge. It left three figures on the bridge instead of one. Zabuzza held his sword to a stoic Tazuna's throat. Haku, mask in place, stood to the side, looking away.

"Well, I can't say I didn't expect more." Zabuzza said, addressing them across the bridge. "But I have a pay-check to earn." He drew the sword right. It passed straight through Tazuna's throat, blood flying from the wound. Then the transformation dispelled. Hinata, almost half Tazuna's height, was unconcerned by the blade passing over her head. She spun in place and pushed a palm towards Zabuzza's chest, chakra bursting from the tenketsu there. He jumped backwards, pushing himself out of her immediate striking range. Then Hinata flicked a tag out of her sleeve and made a hand sign. The explosive seal detonated.

The shadow clone (for that's what Hinata had been the whole time) popped, and Zabuzza was well within range of the explosion. Team seven's vision whited out for a moment, but when it returned they saw something that shouldn't be there. A wall of ice across the bridge.

"That's...not a water jutsu." Naruto stated the obvious.

"It was Haku." Hinata muttered.

"That wasn't a wind jutsu either." Naruto added.

" _Bloodline limit_." Sasuke growled.

The ice wall melted, and Zabuzza used the melt to form a trio of water clones. Team seven put their hands together, declaring "Null!" and deactivating their training seals, freeing up their movements. The battle began in earnest.

* * *

Haku was significantly more threatening than Sasuke's teammates were. He preferred long range, obviously. Those senbon were a pain, Sasuke couldn't cut them out of the air like Hinata could (still waiting on the Sharingan, body) but if he knew where they were coming from, he could dodge them. The ice, however, was a problem. Fire jutsu wouldn't melt it, against all logic. The damn thing must have been a mixture of water and something, because it cut off all his offensive ninjutsu, and Haku was good enough with it he could throw out ice in Sasuke's way any time of the battle. Crap. He ducked another swipe from a water clone (mental note; get a weapon bigger than a dagger) and went for it's knees. It dodged left, which was good, because that put it in the way of a trio of senbon launched at Sasuke. Unfortunately, water clones didn't have pressure points, and it was fine. Fortunately, Hinata leapt after Haku that moment, and kept his attention thereafter.

Sasuke finished his clone off.

Kakashi was busy with the real Zabuzza. He was unable to simply genjustu the missing-nin, because Zabuzza had decided to _blindfold_ himself the absolute _madman_. So the pair were duelling across the bridge.

Naruto was...actually helping. His massive reserves of chakra meant he could blow back the mist anytime Zabuzza tried to bring it back in, and his shadow clones let him dogpile water clones, pepper Haku with kunai, and occasionally throw themselves at Zabuzza (only to be immediately cut down.) Zabuzza was doing well against Kakashi, yes, but not well enough to summon any fresh water clones or perform other battle changing water jutsu like the dragon thing he'd launched the first time they'd met. In the next minute or so, they would empty the field of water clones, gang up on Haku, and leave Zabuzza by himself. Itachi had told him not to count his chickens before they hatched, but it looked like they were only three moves from checkmate.

Which was exactly when it all went wrong.

Naturally it started with Naruto's voice. "Sasuke! incomi-"

"Demonic ice mirrors jutsu!" Sasuke's shuriken, which he had hurled towards Zabuzza in a free moment, hit a blank wall of ice. He growled, trying to find a way around the surface-

And realised he couldn't find one.

He was surrounded. Walls of ice appeared, six sides, and stretching up towards the sky. _Oh dear._

A reflection of Haku appeared in the mirror. Sasuke looked for the real version, couldn't find it, and caught a senbon in the shoulder for his troubles. He hissed and yanked it out. "My apologies." Haku said, and continued throwing. Sasuke couldn't _dodge_. The needles came from everywhere, Haku was actually _in_ the mirrors, peppering him. He tried to jump towards one mirror, use his tree walking skills to run out the gap in the top, but Haku appeared in the mirror of his choosing and pushed him right off. Sasuke grimaced. Hinata couldn't do anything against Zabuzza and neither could Naruto. If Haku killed him in here then went to join his master... then even if he couldn't use the jutsu twice (and he probably could) victory would be in _their_ grasp.

Fortunately, Sasuke's solution arrived.

"Hey haircut! Here's a get out of jail free card!" Sasuke grinned, and saluted mockingly to Haku. "See you on the outside."

He felt the pull of Naruto's substitution jutsu and consented, appearing beyond the ice walls. "What kind of prison has gaps in the walls?" He shouted back at the mirrors, giving the Naruto shadow clone on the inside a thumbs up.

The blond shot it back, grinning. Then he took a senbon in the shoulder. He grimaced, and tried to track Haku, and took another couple needles.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Just dispel!" He told the clone.

The clone grimaced.

"Yeah...about that..."

"What?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "I...may have forgotten I'm not a clone."

Sasuke gaped.

Across the bridge. Zabuzza laughed.

Naruto took another senbon in his side and turned to point a finger at Haku. "Oi!"

Sasuke sucked in a breath. "Naruto you absolUTE _FUCKING IDIOT!"_

* * *

Naruto winced at his teammate's voice and pointed at the nearest image of Haku on the prison's wall. "And you! Why didn't you tell me?"

Haku sighed. "I'm sorry, Naruto. But what did you expect? For me to tell you I was working with your enemy?"

Naruto blinked. "No, not that. You have a _penis_! You couldn't have warned me?"

"What?" Haku tilted his head. "Oh, right. You thought..? I mean I've been told I look girlish before but I didn't think-"

"You were wearing a pink kimono, Haku! Pink! Kimono!"

Haku sighed. "Can we just get back to the fighting please?" He threw another handful of needles. Naruto dived out of the way, only to get hit in the side by another two from a different mirror. He grimaced. "Shadow clo-" A needle caught him in the fingers, breaking his concentration.

"Just don't. Please." Haku's face couldn't be seen from behind his mask, but his voice was begging. "Let me put you out. Zabuzza says he will let me spare you if it doesn't get in the way of the mission."

"Take that mask off!" Naruto snarled. He felt anger building in his stomach. "We all know who you are! Don't you dare do this without showing your face!"

"I won't." Haku replied, voice breaking. "It makes this easier."

"But it doesn't make it right!" Naruto shot back. "If you can't do this without hiding behind a mask you shouldn't be doing it at all!"

Haku's breath hitched, and he threw another brace of needles. "I'm sorry." He repeated. "I can't be like you, Naruto. If I get attached to you, and your friends and your Sensei, and everyone else...what do I do if they disagree? What do I do if they want different things from me?"

"Decide!" Naruto yelled back. He fell to his knees, the last few needles had cut out feeling to his legs. "Do what you think is right!" He continued. "Be your own damn person!"

Haku shook his head. "I can't live like that. Goodnight, Naruto." He pulled out one more senbon.

Naruto growled, audibly.

He could feel rage building inside of himself, as well as what he could swear was someone chuckling. He remembered the forest, with Misuki. He remembered what had got him out of that situation.

 _Hey kyubi!_ He thought. _If you feel like letting out some demonic power, now is the time!_

He didn't hear a response.

Haku flung his senbon, and it flew right at Naruto's forehead.

Then everything went dark.

* * *

Outside the mirrors, everything was going horribly. Zabuzza had used the distraction caused by Haku's ice mirrors to hit Kakashi with a water bullet, then summoned a new brace of water clones. Those did have a permanent cost, unlike shadow clones, but Zabuzza didn't look to be tiring. If anything, his pace had increased, knowing victory was so close. He was monologuing to Kakashi about something, Sasuke didn't know what, he was a little busy. "Can't you 'gentle fist' them!" He called across to Hinata, who was similarly occupied with another damn water clone.

"I can't hit the pressure point on a _sword_!" The exasperated girl called back. She had actually pulled a kunai for close quarters combat, something he'd never before seen from her.

"We need Naruto out here! Can you make another shadow clone to substitute with him?" Sasuke asked. He was close to empty, one too many fireballs meant that if he split his chakra in half again he was liable to pass out.

Hinata flipped backwards, but her Zabuzza didn't let up.

"If I had a spare second and a half, sure!" She called back.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Ignoring his own clone, he leapt at hers. It saw him coming and lifted up its sword but he battered it with his kunai once, twice, landing and wrapping his legs about its shoulders. He dropped the Kunai, grabbed it's head and twisted, wrenching its neck to an odd angle. It collapsed into a puddle. "Do it!" He instructed Hinata, landing on the floor and rolling. He was in position to glimpse through the ice mirrors, looking up he saw Naruto kneeling on the floor-

And he saw a needle sprout from his forehead.

"NARUTO!"

His voice echoed Hinata's as the blond genin collapsed to the floor in a heap. Sasuke felt the world around him slow, watching Naruto just lay there lifelessly, and after a moment came a weird feeling behind his eyes that was echoed by two red circles appearing in his reflection in the ice. _Oh, Sharingan. Took you long enough to show up._

Well, this was good. Sasuke turned to the main opponent. Now he was going to kill Zabuzza, and then he was going to kill Haku, and then he was going to hope, _hope_ , that the blond moron wasn't actually dead-

There was a rumble.

Then the ice prison exploded.

Sasuke's new dojutsu let him track every single shard of ice falling through the air, and he had a moment to appreciate the beauty of the sight before he noticed the two very important parts of the image.

One: Haku was flying backwards away from the ice with half his mask torn off. There was a giant claw mark across his chest.

Two: Naruto was stood up. His teeth were bared, his wounds were gone, and his eyes were red. Not Sharingan red, but rust red, the same colour as the malevolent chakra that was pouring off of him in waves.

"N-Naruto?" Hinata asked.

Naruto looked up to the sky and let out a bestial roar.

* * *

 **Oh this one was fun to write, I hope you're enjoying it. Cliffhangers, I'm sorry, and some more flashbacks to young Neji and Itachi. Expect a few of those.**

 **Next week, the conclusion to this fight, more Haku edge, and some fun showings from KCM 0 Naruto. All that good stuff. See you then!**


	9. Gatou more like Fattou haha boom bi-

**Gatou more like Fattou haha boom bitch you done got roasted-**

* * *

There was a banging on Inari's door. He gulped, hesitating, before slowly moving forwards to grab the doorknob. That was when the corner of it splintered and it was forced open. Inari screamed and staggered backwards, crashing into the umbrella stand (important things to have in a rainy country like wave) as two men walked in the door. They wielded cleavers, had missing teeth, and generally looked like they didn't have great intentions.

"Hey little kiddy." One leered. "Say, is your granddaddy home?"

"He is." Tazuna walked out from another room. "And you damn kids better get off my property."

The two brandished their weapons. "That so?" One said. "Perfect. We'd heard you would be at the bridge. Too scared?"

Tazuna said nothing. If the two had been paying more attention, or just had better eyesight, they might have noticed that he looked a little...flat.

"Heh. Well, this is a treat. Gatou will give the one who kills you a bonus."

"Well that's a shame." Said Tazuna, cracking his knuckles. "Because I'm afraid you two are about to...not...get the bonus."

They blinked at him. He sighed.

"Sorry. One liners are hard."

Then he blurred to life. He grabbed the first one's arm and brought his elbow down on it, making the cleaver drop from nerveless fingers. Then he jabbed him in the face and put a knee into his stomach. The second thug was faster, swinging his weapon towards Tazuna, who ducked it and backed up across the hallway.

"Nobody told me you could fight." He snarled. "Oh whatever. Say goodnight you wrinkly old son of a-OW!"

Inari swung the umbrella again, buckling the thug's legs at the knee. He spun round and grabbed the umbrella, glaring at the boy, in time for Tazuna to wind up and put a kick right between his legs. He stiffened and collapsed.

Tazuna poofed into Naruto, who dusted off his hands. "Wow, that was _way_ less difficult than Zabuzza. I got the easy job."

"So your plan..." Said the real Tazuna, walking in from the kitchen now the coast was clear. "Was to have a copy of a ninja pretending to be me go to the bridge, but also have a copy of a ninja pretending to be me waiting at home in case they came here? Do you always do things this complicated?"

Naruto snorted. "We're _ninja_. This plan was basic. Oh yeah, great job Inari! You're a real hero!"

Inari shook his head. "Not yet. This means Gatou's also hiring petty thugs. Even if his ninja fail, he might just storm the town. We need to rally the people."

"Are you sure?" Tazuna asked. "That's a mighty different attitude to what you had yesterday."

Inari nodded. "Miss Hinata set me straight. I don't want us to die for this town, but it'd be worse if we died for nothing. We need to fight."

Naruto grinned. "Alright then! Lets go make a mob and fight a mob boss!"

* * *

Fear was not a strange thing for Haku to experience. Everyday, he was afraid that he might find himself replaced, that Zabuzza would decide him useless and abandon him. He was similarly afraid he would prove himself useless before Zabuzza realised it, and that he would disappoint his master.

Strange, to him, was fear of a _thing_. Doubts were ethereal; he hadn't been scared of a tangible threat since the mob that had driven him out of his first home.

He was scared of Naruto now.

The genin's eyes were locked onto him, glowing red, and the killing intent Haku felt from them was something he'd never experienced before, not even from Zabuzza, and every ounce of it was directed at _him_. It was the look of a hunter stalking its prey, a fox about to pounce on a rabbit. It was terrifying.

As he watched, one of his master's water clones jumped at Naruto, swinging its sword. Naruto caught it ( _caught the blade_ ) and then punched the clone with his other hand. The hit indented the clone's stomach, and then it evaporated, spraying steam across the bridge. There was a small cut on Naruto's palm, but it healed before Haku's eyes. Then the fox-boy leapt.

Haku reacted on instinct, jumping backwards and bringing his hands up in front of himself. Ice formed, layering up between him and the monster. There was a moment, and then Naruto smashed through the wall just as easily as he had smashed through the ice mirrors. Haku threw some senbon but they bounced straight off the cloak of chakra surrounding what could _not_ be a normal genin. Then there was a blur, and Haku gasped as he was backhanded another ten metres across the bridge. He gasped again as Naruto caught up to him and grabbed him by the throat before he could even hit the cobblestones. Naruto was _right there_ , holding him up so that his toes barely scraped the floor. Haku could feel the heat from the red aura as he brought back one fist, ready to punch. But he hesitated. Haku could see the conflict in his eyes.

That was when the remainder of Haku's mask collapsed, and he was forced into direct eye contact with the beast.

"I'm sorry." Was all Haku could manage through the choking grip.

Naruto's eyes widened again. The red slowly disappeared from his blue irises and he dropped Haku, stumbling backwards.

"I..." Naruto got out. "You-"

"Eight trigrams, thirty two palms!"

Haku stiffened, as a series of strikes thudded into his back.

His body below the face went numb, and he collapsed.

"...what?" Asked the Hyuuga girl's voice from behind him.

* * *

"Haku!" Zabuzza yelled in a surprising show of emotion, as his student collapsed to the floor.

That distraction was his downfall.

Sasuke, with the unerring precision of the Sharingan, threw a kunai straight through the circular hole of Zabuzza's moving sword, embedding itself into the ground. Razor wire glinted, and Sasuke pulled, forcibly restraining the weapon as Kakashi made hand signs. "Chidori!" The jonin cried, as lighting coalesced around his hand with a loud chittering sound. Without further time wasting, he buried it in Zabuzza's chest.

Haku let out a gut wrenching scream.

Zabuzza coughed blood, and staggered backwards with a gaping hole in his chest. "Well." He rasped. "Guess I won't be getting that pay check."

"No, I'm afraid you won't." Called a voice from across the bridge.

Hinata gulped. "Sensei..."

Kakashi looked up. Boots stepped out of the mist. Crossing the bridge that was only barely functional was a veritable army. Dozens of thugs, armed with god knows what, and at their head was a very short man with silly hair and black glasses.

"I'm dissapointed, Zabuzza." Continued Gatou. "You made me a promise, and couldn't deliver. But I suppose that means I don't have to pay you, which is good."

"This is the guy you're working for?" Kakashi asked, incredulously.

Zabuzza gave a low chuckle. "Times have been hard." He turned to his employer. Blood dripped from the hole in his chest. "My associate" he gestured to Haku. "Is only temporarily out of action. Given your little gang would have" he coughed up some more blood. "no chance against these ninja if they weren't exhausted, I trust you will be willing to negotiate partial pay with him?"

Gatou laughed. "Partial-who do you think I am?" He turned to his thugs. "Boys. Kill them all." The men advanced.

Zabuzza sighed. "Thought so." He turned to Kakashi. "Well, copy ninja, it's been fun. Now would you be so kind as to lend me a kunai?"

From the floor, Haku gasped. "No! Don't!"

Slowly, Kakashi drew a knife from his pocket, and threw it across to Zabuzza. He caught it, testing the weight.

"Mighty kind of you. Haku," he turned to his student. "I admit to feeling a little bad about pulling you off the streets and raising you as a weapon. Just a little. But at least now you're strong enough to make your own way in the world, so perhaps some would call that a good deed."

Haku was teary eyed.

Zabuzza turned to Gatou's men, balancing the knife on one finger. "Anyway, I'm dying, and these leaf ninja are too damn soft to kill you, so I'm sure you'll be fine. Good luck. I've got a contract that needs paying, and as this spineless bastard is too shrewd to use money..." He gripped the kunai. "I'll have to take his blood."

Then Zabuzza moved.

Kakashi watched, impassively, as the missing-nin charged the mob. On deaths door he may have been, but Zabuzza moved like a man possessed, cutting left and right with reckless abandon. The terrified men swung weapons at him, burying knives and swords into his back. He killed them and kept going. In his last moments, Zabuzza earned the title 'Demon of the mist'. His rampage culminated when he finally reached Gatou. Grinning at the screaming businessman, he drove his kunai into his stomach and brought it up, gutting him where he stood. Then, with a final grunt, Zabuzza collapsed.

For a moment, all that could be heard were Haku's sobs.

Then Gatou's men started grumbling.

"Well damn."

"The boss is dead."

"There goes our payday."

"I'm not going away empty handed."

"I vote we take our money out of the town!"

"Hell yeah! They're bound to have something if the boss was spending so much crushing them!"

Kakashi rolled his eye and got into stance. "Looks like we aren't done yet kids."

His genin got ready. Hinata as impassive as ever, Sasuke tired but prepared, Naruto completely out of sorts but physically the most ready of them all.

This wasn't going to be pretty.

It was a shame; Kakashi had hoped his students wouldn't have to kill for a while yet, but he didn't see a way to stop a good hundred fighters without getting his hands dirty.

That was, until he heard the shouting from behind him.

"There they are!"

"They're still holding the bridge!"

"The ninja are with us!"

"C'mon! Let's give them a hand!"

Team seven turned. The Naruto shadow clone they had left behind was running towards them alongside Tazuna and Inari. Behind _them_ was what looked like the whole damn town of wave.

"Hey guys!" Called the Naruto clone. "Sorry I took so long, got a bit excited starting a mob and, whoa. What happened to me?"

Naruto gave his clone half a wave.

Gatou's mob took a collective step back as Wave's people formed a wall between them and the town. Everything hung in the balance. That was when Kakashi put his hands together. "Your employer is dead!" He told the hostile mob. "There is nothing else in this fight for you except combat with ninja of the leaf, and the resistance of the land of wave. Leave. Now."

When they didn't immediately turn around, he started making hand seals. The giant water dragon that appeared from beneath the bridge, roaring steam, was the tipping point. Gatou's men ran.

* * *

It was amongst the cheering and celebration of wave's citizens that feeling returned to Haku's body. The thirty-two palms was half the strikes of the sixty-four, but much less than half the effectiveness. It took only minutes before Haku's pained chakra network was up and running again. He was able to stagger to his feet. Nobody paid him any mind as he walked past the laughing, smiling townsfolk. None except the Hyuuga girl, Hinata, but Naruto held her back. Haku wondered if her eyes could spot the hole in his heart.

He approached their jonin-Sensei; Naruto had said his name was Kakashi. He looked down at Haku. Haku knelt before him. "Ninja of Konoha." He said, numbly. "Congratulations on your victory. Would you do me the service of killing me?"

Kakashi stared, impassively.

Then, "Hell no!" It wasn't the copy-ninja who had spoken.

Haku looked up and to the side. Naruto was stalking up, angrily.

"My apologies, Naruto." Haku said, sincerely. "I understand if you would rather claim my-"

"Okay, stop that." Naruto held up a hand. He knelt down so he was on Haku's level. "What, do you think I stopped the nine-tails from killing you for no reason?"

"I..." Haku didn't know what to say.

Naruto pointed a finger in his face. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop acting like you don't have a soul. _Start_ taking some fucking responsibility for your actions!"

Kakashi looked across at Hinata.

"Did Naruto just-"

"I think he did-"

"Your master is dead." Naruto continued. "That's sad. I get that. But you have to move on. Decide for yourself what to do, who to care about, and decide for yourself what to do once you've screwed it up!"

"But I-" Haku cut himself off. "I don't know how." He said, simply.

Naruto put a hand on his shoulder. "Then I'll help." He replied, with a smile. "I like to think I'm pretty good at doing the right thing. Just no trying to get yourself killed again, okay?"

Despite everything, Haku managed to smile. "Okay." He stuck out his hand. "Friends?"

Naruto grinned, and shook it. "Friends."

"...And that." Kakashi added. "Is how to successfully capture and repurpose an enemy asset. Good job Naruto. I'd commend your devious charisma if I didn't know you actually _meant_ everything you just said."

Tazuna walked up with Inari, smiling. "Well, looks like everything's sorted." He told them. "Once everyone is done spitting on Gatou we'll finish work on the bridge. It's gonna need a name, though. Something dramatic."

"How about." Naruto made a pose. "The Great...Naruto bridge!"

"Mister Tazuna." Kakashi said. "Please do not name your bridge after my genin."

"Yeah, that'd be pretty dumb." Said Sasuke.

"Guys! Come on!"

"I think it works." Hinata shyly added.

"Thank you!"

"Hey, what's that thing Kakashi used at the end?" Inari spoke up.

Kakashi tilted his head. "What, the water dragon jutsu?"

"Yeah, that!"

"You want to call it the water dragon bridge?" Sasuke snorted.

"No wait!" Naruto held up a finger. "Call it 'Bridge of the Water Dragon'."

"Ooh!" Exclaimed Inari, giggling. "I like that one!"

"Well, I guess it's decided then." Tazuna replied, chuckling. "Are you going to stay? These people probably want to thank you."

"We do need to get back..." Kakashi looked at his team. "But I'm sure we can stay tonight. Provided you're feeding us, of course."

"Well, I have to make up for your shoddy pay somehow." Tazuna responded, chuckling. "And now I think we just might be able to give you a _real_ feast. You four are welcome anytime you want to stay."

"Oh by the way, since we're wrapping this whole thing up..." Sasuke started. Then he grabbed Tazuna by the lapels, activating his Sharingan. "You see _this_ old man? Huh? You see the Sharingan? That's the Uchiha bloodline limit right there! Stop fucking doubting my heritage!"

"Alright, alright." Tazuna laughed it off. "Calm down, I believed you from the start."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I mean why would you have lied?"

"Then _why_?" Sasuke begged.

Tazuna shrugged. "Well, I guess I was just fucking with you."

"...I'm going to burn this bridge to the ground."

"Sasuke no-"

* * *

 **Ten years ago.**

"I told my wife it was nothing," Sniffed the fire nation noble. "That I'd be fine with the regular security, but no, she insisted I pay for 'real ninja.' Still, I can't fault your performance against those bandits. I will ensure your fee is paid in full."

"Thank you very much, sir. I am glad we could be of use." Neji bowed, not too low, but low enough to indicate respect. Itachi mimicked him.

The noble stared down at them for a moment, trying to detect the hidden insult. Finding none, he shrugged and walked away.

"...Are we not going to tell him about the hidden stone assassination attempt?" Neji asked quietly, when he was far enough away.

"I see no reason to." Itachi said from beside him. "Not after I dealt with the one who ordered it and you stopped all the ninja. Telling him would just increase tensions between Stone and Leaf when we're trying to make a deal with them."

"You don't think it would be useful to hold that over their heads in negotiations?" Neji checked.

Itachi tilted his head. "Possibly. But bear in mind that we're after a lasting deal. Guilt from things like this fade quickly; we don't want them to break ties five or ten years down the line."

Neji nodded thoughtfully. "True...My father never taught me much in the way of politics. It was mostly just how to look good for the main branch of the family."

"I understand your clan's silly internal matters." Itachi wrinkled his nose up slightly. "Why do you think I sent you after the assassins and not the politician?"

"I _chose_ to pursue the assassins."

"Of course you did. My apologies."

Neji shot Itachi a suspicious look. The latter just smiled innocently. The former knew damn well there hadn't been any genjutsu in play, and resolved to think on their earlier talks and check for manipulation. "Then what did you do with the Stone politician? It won't look good if his body shows up halfway through the talks."

"Oh he's fine." Itachi waved dismissively. "Over the next few weeks he will fall into a spiral of intense stress and, some may say, insanity, culminating in a very embarrassing show of social suicide."

"You're going to make him _kill_ himself?" Neji's eyebrows rose.

" _Social_ suicide." Itachi corrected. "He'll do something incredibly embarrasing that ruins his reputation. After which he'll have an epiphany about the meanings of true power and happiness and embark on a more honest life. I'm a pacifist, Neji."

"And you have such a wonderful way of showing it." The Hyuuga drawled. "How do you intend to manage this?"

"The seeds have already been sown. Though...it may be best if we could take some other missions in this area later so I can check up on his progress."

"I did not expect I'd have to spend time cleaning after your messes." Neji sighed. "And here I had hoped you would be precise."

"I am precise. In my destruction. Lets go; if we get back to Leaf fast enough we can watch the negotiations."

"Riveting."

"Oh fuck off, they are!"

Neji blinked. "Did you just swear?"

"...No."

"Itachi I didn't know you had such a foul mouth-"

"We are done talking. Leaf. Now." A little more relaxed around each other than before, the two genin began the walk back home

* * *

 **And so concludes the wave mission, as well as Neji and Itachi's first set of flashbacks. Obviously the butterfly effect changes some things; best boy Haku is still alive because Hinata touches him up (shudder) and he can't throw himself in front of Zabuzza. Expect more from him in the future. Next chapter is the aftermath, before we begin everyone's favourite arc of the show. One that lasts _way_ longer than this one. Seriously, I have like 14 more chapters written and I'm still not done with the finals.**


	10. Aftermath 1: Making Waves

**Aftermath 1: Making Waves**

* * *

Capabilities of the Sharingan:

-The Sharingan first activates when the user experiences a powerful burst of emotion. _(You don't have to kill your friends for this one, much as you'd love an excuse)_

-The Sharingan requires a not-insignificant constant chakra cost to have activated.

-It allows the user to see chakra at a basic level, such as discerning an individual's remaining chakra reserves or the type of nature transformation in use. ( _Like you can't tell what that fireball's made of lmao._ )

-It offers the user significantly improved visual acuity in their field of view, allowing them to perceive miniscule details about what they see.

-This grants a significantly improved reaction time and ability to track movements and projectiles within line of sight, and many describe a slowed down perception of time. At the third stage of Sharingan development, this seems to outsiders like precognition.

-Making eye contact with the Sharingan makes it significantly easier to cast all genjutsu upon the target, and certain genjutsu are unique to Sharingan use.

-The user can perfectly remember and reproduce anything observed by the Sharingan. This allows them to copy handwriting and mannerisms, and perhaps more importantly any jutsu they witness. (Note: Effectiveness is limited if the user has not mastered the nature transformation of the jutsu they copy. Techniques that require a different bloodline limit cannot be copied ( _unless you start stealing their DNA like a dick. **Danzo**._))

-The Sharingan has three stages of development, shown by 1 through 3 tomoe (See diagram) present in the eye. Development occurs through more powerful emotions or through continued practice, and represents an increase in the dojutsu's power.

-Izanami and Izanagi _can_ be used by the base Sharingan. ( _What the hell are they?) (Neji how the fuck did you even get in here.)_

- _One of the tablets beneath the Uchiha compound, notes scribbled by Itachi._

* * *

Slowly, the third Hokage put down one of the most ridiculous mission reports he'd ever read.

"This...this is what happened?" He clarified, hoping they would say was a joke.

"It's true, sir." Kakashi looked embarrassed.

"And why" Hiruzen continued "did you continue with the mission after an S-rank missing-nin arrived?"

"A-Rank, come on-"

"Kakashi." The Hokage's voice was dangerous.

The jonin sighed, and began listing. "We were closer to wave than leaf, Zabuzza had expressed a desire to attack us for attacking us' sake, all three genin were invested in completing the mission, and...I thought they could handle it."

Hiruzen stared him down. "I see. Do you believe you made the right choice?"

"I do." Kakashi replied, evenly.

Hiruzen let him sweat for another moment. "Well then, who am I to argue with results." He smiled at the three genin. "Congratulations on your first successful C-rank mission. Or, given what I have just read, A-rank. I will ensure you are suitably compensated."

"A-rank pay?" Naruto's jaw dropped. "Hell yeah!"

"A few issues to clear up before I let you go." Hiruzen leaned back in his chair. "Kakashi, what happened to Zabuzza's sword? As I'm sure you know it has historical value to hidden mist, and can likely be ransomed back for a significant amount."

Kakashi coughed. "Funny story, that. Turns out the Uchiha have invoked some old clan bylaw that gives a ninja the right to a disarmed opponents weapon. Who knew?"

"Really?" The third rolled his eyes. "How?"

"Well, Sasuke was technically the one who disarmed Zabuzza." Kakashi shrugged. "He put it in a storage scroll, dropped it off with Itachi, and now the Uchiha clan is ignoring all related communiques."

"Mine." Sasuke explained.

"Indeed." The third acknowledged. "It's not like we could have used that...moving on." He turned to the sixth visible person in the room. "Haku, was it?"

"Yes sir." Said the boy, stood perfectly to attention slightly off from the room's other occupants.

"Your situation is certainly unusual, but I'm sure we will be able to accommodate it." Hiruzen told him. "I warn you that you will be taken to T&I to ensure your honesty, but if you cooperate you will not be unduly harmed."

"Whatever is necessary, Hokage-sama." Haku was unfazed. "If I may ask, what is to happen to me afterwards?"

"Unless I am mistaken, that will be up to you." Hiruzen answered.

Haku and looked across to Naruto, who gave him an encouraging smile. Hiruzen blinked and hid the warm glow he felt.

"And now, the final matter." He drew their attention back to himself. "Has Naruto explained what happened to him on the bridge?"

Naruto cringed, as attention fell on him.

"They've been carefully avoiding bringing it up." Kakashi said, dryly.

"Naruto? Do you want them to know?" The third asked, kindly.

Naruto nodded.

"Very well. I think a direct showing from the kyuubi is sufficient for the law. I should know, I passed it."

Naruto breathed out, as his teammates looked at him. "Right, then, guess I'll just..." He cleared his throat. "Guys...I'm the nine tails fox."

"Cool."

"Okay."

"Now I know how bad that sounds but I promise I...wait what?"

"Naruto," Sasuke gave him a flat look. "you're about as likely to destroy the leaf village as Itachi is to betray the Uchiha clan." (The third Hokage coughed on his pipe.) "I've seen it affect you once and it's _helped_. Don't let it ruin any missions and we'll be fine."

"You're my teammate, Naruto." Hinata added. "I trust you."

Naruto looked at them both in awe.

"Excellent." The Hokage beamed. "None of you are allowed to tell anyone who doesn't know (on pain of death) except for Naruto himself. That goes for you too, Haku. Now, unless there's anything else, I believe you all have some much needed rest to get to."

The three children filed out, bickering amongst each other. An ANBU appeared next to Haku and tapped him on the shoulder. They both left as well. With a twitch of his finger, the Hokage dismissed the other guard from his office. He and Kakashi both sagged. "Excellent work, making them think it was their idea to continue." Hiruzen began. "Did you have to genjutsu them?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Hell no. They thought they had to convince _me_." He looked up. "I don't like doing this."

"Me neither." The third agreed. "But it has to be done. I'll admit, when I learned about Gatou I was expecting more opponents like the demon brothers."

"Oh, _only_ hiding a B mission as a C?" Kakashi asked, sarcastically. "How generous of you."

"We can't afford generosity, I'm afraid." Said the third. "Psychologically, how have they been affected?"

"By civilian standards, they all still need therapy." Kakashi acknowledged. "But spending time as a team seems to be beneficial for all three." He leaned back. "Sir...they almost died."

"Such is the life."

"Was it enough?"

Hiruzen shook his head sadly. "They're ninja. Nothing's ever enough."

* * *

Sasuke walked into his house, closing the door behind him. Itachi was there waiting, and smiled. "Hey little brother."

"Hey Itachi." Sasuke dumped his bag of supplies on the counter and flopped onto the sofa. "Fuuuuck I missed this. Where's my sword?"

"I hung Kubikiribocho up in your room."

"You did what?"

"That's it's name. That's what the sword's called."

Sasuke shrugged, still lying down. "That's dumb. Imma call it 'big bloody cleaver' because it, like, absorbs blood, I think? God, Naruto must be rubbing off on me."

"We could get that engraved on it, actually. That would _thoroughly_ embarrass hidden mist." Itachi moved over to perch on the edge of the sofa. "Now talk to me. You ran up to me, put the sword in my hands, said 'mine' then ran off to the Hokage's office. What happened on your mission? C ranks don't usually involve running into the seven shinobi swordsmen of the mist."

"Six swordsmen, now." Sasuke replied, proudly. "And the Hokage bumped it up to A rank. Had you done any A ranks this early?"

"So soon after graduating, no." Itachi admitted. "But by the time I was your age...yes. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Sasuke waved. "Oh, and more importantly..." he looked up and met Itachi's eyes. He activated his Sharingan.

Itachi's own eyes widened. "Fuck." He remarked.

"Yeah." Replied Sasuke, grinning.

"Congratulations you." Itachi seemed genuinely impressed. "How did you get that active?"

"Naruto died." Sasuke remarked, and Itachi stiffened. "Or at least, I thought he did. Took a senbon to the face."

"I see." Itachi replied. He focused on Sasuke's red iris'. "You've got the single tomoe of a newly awakened Sharingan. With practice, or more traumatic events, you'll get two, then three of those. If...If any strange pattern seems to appear, you let me know."

Sasuke frowned, as his brain remembered something. "Like what appeared in yours?"

Itachi gave him a piercing look. "What did you see?"

"It was the evening after, well, after Shisui." Sasuke admitted, suddenly feeling very vulnerable laying on the sofa. "You were arguing with the Uchiha police and I saw your eye go all..."

Itachi frowned. He looked around, making sure they were alone in the room, then looked back to Sasuke. His eyes shifted into their Sharingan form, then shifted again, black pupil going red and tomoe becoming curved black spikes. Even for someone used to red eyes, it was unsettling.

"What is that?" Sasuke recoiled slightly from it.

"You've had nothing like this?" Itachi confirmed.

Sasuke nodded.

His big brother sighed and his eyes went back to normal. "It's possible you weren't close enough to Naruto, or only _perceiving_ death doesn't count, or it can't develop when your Sharingan hasn't fully matured yet..." he mused.

"What _is_ it?" Sasuke was genuinely worried.

Itachi shook his head. "More trouble than it's worth. If you do see it, you tell me. _Before_ you bring it up to father or the rest of the clan. Understand?"

"No, but...okay." Sasuke relented. "I trust you."

Itachi smiled. "I don't deserve that, but thank you. By the way, how did Naruto survive a senbon to the head?"

"He borrowed power from the nine tails." Sasuke said, offhand. Itachi blinked.

"Yeah. You guys can stop keeping that awkwardly secret now. I've just realised how many times you all deliberately didn't mention it at dinner."

"Full of surprises this evening, aren't you?" Itachi rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you should be going to bed. Tomorrow, how about I teach you more about how to use that eye of yours?"

"Kakashi'll be training me all day." Sasuke warned.

Itachi chuckled. "Oh I'm sure I can convince him to spare you for a few hours." He had a dark look on his face.

"You scare me sometimes, bro."

"As it should be, Sasuke. As it should be."

* * *

 **A few minutes earlier**

Hinata gave Sasuke a respectful nod as she and Naruto saw him off into his compound, hiding the brewing anger that _he_ still had a clan to return to. _Hide it, hide it, don't let Naruto see it._

She still had the blond convinced her home was near his, so she was able to walk alongside him as they crossed the village to his apartment. Night had fallen, and the streets were quiet, the air filled with Naruto's thoughtless chatter about anything and everything. It was nice, but Hinata knew she couldn't just let 'nice' stand. She wasn't allowed to be happy. Things went wrong when she was happy.

"So, you're a Jinkuurikki." She spoke up eventually, when there was a lull in Naruto's talking. "That certainly explains a lot."

"Sure does." Naruto replied. "It's nice to know there's a reason for everyone treating me like dirt. I mean I just thought-" he trailed off, face creasing in discomfort.

"You thought you deserved it." Hinata finished for him.

"I mean-"

"Naruto." She interrupted him. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had the confidence to interrupt someone. "When you were on the bridge, you substituted with Sasuke to get him out of the ice prison."

"Yeah." He scratched the back of his neck. "That was pretty dumb of me. Can you believe I forgot I wasn't a shadow clone?"

"No." Hinata responded. "No I don't."

"What do you-"

"Naruto." She turned to face him, backing him towards a wall. "No-one who valued their own life would make that mistake. Especially not a ninja, especially not one as good with shadow clones as you."

Naruto grinned weakly. "Yeah, well, guess I'm just that dumb."

"Stop _saying_ that!" She shouted. Her hands were clenched at her sides. "You keep saying that some day you're going to become Hokage and I believe you, I do, but when it comes to right now? You don't value your own life at all, do you?"

"I..." Naruto's facade crumbled. "Oh come on, what's there to value?"

" _Naruto_!"

"I'm an orphan!" He shouted back. "And you know what that's like! But I don't have a clan to avenge, a special superpower. I don't even have a purpose, so I had to just pick one and roll with it! All my life everyone's told me I'm worse than scum! I have one thing going for me, and that's that I have a demon sealed inside me that might, at any moment, kill everyone I know! So yes, of course I'll give myself up for my friends!"

There was a crack.

Naruto winced, and put a palm to the red handprint on his face.

Hinata looked in shock at her own hand (which had gone a little red itself) before glaring back up at her teammate. "Don't. You. Dare. Imply that you don't deserve to live. You are brave, and kind, and strong, and amazing!"

"I'm not-" he stared at the floor.

"You are!" She moved closer. "Look at me. Look at me!"

He met her eyes.

"Naruto, I've seen you around a lot." She admitted. "Remember that one time you saved me from those bullies?"

Naruto shrugged. "Ages ago, yeah."

"I watched you, after that day." She told him. "Not in a weird way!" (It totally had been) "but I watched you going about your daily life. Everyone was always just so horrible to you, but you bore all of it with this big grin on your face. I remember admiring you so much. And then," she choked up a bit, but persevered. "And then I lost my family too. And I finally understood what you were going through, at least some of it. And I admired you even more. Because I didn't understand. I didn't know how, despite everything, you could bring yourself to smile." She backed off a step. "So if you're going to tell me that was all a lie that's fine. It's fine. Does that mean every time you smiled around us it was fake too?"

"No!" He sounded indignant.

Her heart fluttered a little. "Then don't act like every time you've made _us_ smile we were faking it as well. We don't _want_ you to die for us." She poked a finger into his chest. "Dying is easy, Naruto, living is harder, and you've never backed down from a challenge before."

He looked at her, and she nearly squealed. He was actually _looking_ at her properly.

"I've made you smile?" He asked.

"You've come close." She admitted. She attempted one then, but couldn't manage it. "Don't stop trying now."

The fire went out of her sails. She shifted her posture, crossing her arms in front of her and looking down as she wondered what in God's name she'd just been doing.

Naruto clapped his hands together, and the grin was back. "Well then, challenge accepted! I will make you smile!"

"Now you sound like Gai." She pointed out.

He struck a pose. "Yosh! The fires of my youth will burn brightly enough to bring joy to all who see them! If I fail, I will run to Suna and back on my hands!"

Her lips just might have twitched. "Come on, Naruto. Lets get back home. We have training again tomorrow morning, remember?"

"Oh damn, you're right. What's Gai gonna do when he learns we fought Zabuzza? Running laps blindfolded, probably. Hey, would that work on you?"

"Not if I had my Byakugan active, no, but..."

In a much less one sided conversation, the two continued on home.

* * *

 **Angst! Character development! Sharingan! Best boy Haku, and poor comedy! For a chapter where nothing happens, this one really has it all, folks. Yes, grandpappy Hokage is a bit more manipulative in this (Or maybe I'm just explaining something that doesn't make much sense otherwise) And it brings a nice end to the land of waves arc, which I've finished up hella fast because now we get the _good_ stuff. Next chapter is a timeskip and a training montage because believe me, with what I have planned? Team seven is gonna need it...**


	11. Training montage 2: The Sand Blows In

**Act II: Angling for a promotion**

 **Training montage #2: The sand blows in**

* * *

Capabilities of the Byakugan:

-Offers complete 360' vision barring a small blind spot spreading out from the thoratic veretebrae (the back of the neck.) Range varies depending on the strength of the caster. Skilled casters can focus the vision in a specific direction to increase the range.

-Sight can track high speed targets and predict movements, though this is only due to the dojutsu's field of view and visual acuity, not any extra ability.

-Sight allows user to see through objects, perceiving everything in the Byakugan's radius at once.

-Eyes can see chakra with incredible accuracy. Can discern individuals' chakra networks and chakra points (See Gentle Fist)

-The previous ability allows Byakugan to detect genjutsu (though this does not grant complete immunity, see Unblockable Genjutsu), see through all transformation and disguise techniques.

-A related ability of the Hyuuga is to expel chakra from all chakra points on the body intuitively, while most ninja can only do so with intensive chakra control training. ( _Hey how many chakra points are in my dick?) (Usually? Three. In yours? None.)_

-Certain techniques have been specialised to take advantage of the Byakugan's visual acuity (See Hidden Jutsu, Hyuuga Vault)

( _Oi Neji_ _Base Sharingan shits on Byakugan lmao) (_ _Fuck off Itachi)_

- _First page of the Hyuuga's official bloodline-limit tome, scribbles by assorted._

* * *

 **Twenty days after the wave mission**

Naruto was in a very awkward position. Both literally (his back hurt a little, he'd woken up funny) and figuratively (because he was stood outside the girls' community baths).

"Why do you even need a shower before going in the baths? Aren't they interchangeable?"

"Intercha-...Naruto, you've never been in a clan meeting before, have you?" Hinata's voice tentatively rose from beneath the wooden slats of the showers.

"Uh, no."

"I'm technically the head of an important ninja clan. When I go to meetings there are standards I have to meet. One being cleanliness."

"Can't you just use genjustu?"

"On the powerful ninja clans?"

"Fair enough."

Ever since their conversation after the wave mission, Hinata had grown more confident when it came to normal, non-ninja things. At least confident enough to talk to him without stuttering all the time.

"So why am I waiting out here?" He asked, looking around self consciously. A couple of the girls walking in gave him dirty looks, presumably just because he was the nine-tails, but enough to unnerve him.

"I mean...you volunteered to carry my bags." Hinata's voice replied. "Of course, if you don't want to it's fine-"

"No I'm fine with it it's just, why me?" Naruto called back, reassuringly. "I'm not exactly professional clan meet material."

"But you _are_ the nine tails' jailor." Hinata replied. "I thought that it might lend me some credibility to have you carrying my things. Oh god, now I sound like I'm taking advantage of you I didn't mean-"

"What, no! I think it's a great idea!" Naruto enthused. "I can't get the kyuubi cloak on demand yet but I can probably get the red eyes working. Do you want me to wear a collar to sell the effect?"

He heard Hinata choke from from inside the shower. "NO! No, that would be...a bit much." The water turned off. "I hung up my towel outside could you pass it to me please?"

This time Naruto choked. "You want me to...aren't you..."

"What?" Came Hinata's voice.

"Hinata," He gulped. "Are you wearing anything in there?"

"Of course not i'm in the shower." Responded Hinata, nonplussed.

"Well then I can't just open the door and give it to you!" Naruto shouted.

"Why not?"

Naruto gaped at the door.

"Oh, right, no, that would be bad. Oh no I've messed up again. I'm sorry it's just-"

Of course, sometimes, Hinata would act like nothing had changed since she was eight. "Why would you _ever_ think that was okay?"

"I grew up in the Hyuuga compound! Byakugan everywhere, everyone can see everything at any time. There isn't really much point in modesty."

"Hold on. Does that mean when you look at me you can..."

"I can what?"

"...Nevermind." Naruto shuddered. He grabbed the towel and passed it over the door, and it was pulled out of his hands.

"Thank you!"

"You're welcome. How long do you have to stay in the bath now?"

"Well my first dip is for ten minutes, then I sit in the steamroom for fifteen, then-"

"When exactly is this meeting?" Naruto interrupted.

"...three hours from now, actually. It's a long preparation process."

Naruto palmed his forehead. "Can I-"

"Yes, sorry, please go do your thing, I'll meet you in two hours forty."

Naruto rolled his eyes and walked off.

 _If I become Hokage, I'll have to do important meetings all the time. Am I gonna have to take three hour baths? Between this and the paperwork gramps keeps taking about, at what point do I actually get to do ninja stuff?_

He was halfway out of the baths area when he spotted the red form hunched in the bushes. Curious about someone who was so completely failing to hide in a village full of _ninja_ , he investigated, tapping the form on the shoulder. He was not expecting it to screech and jump five feet in the air, turning to him with its hands in a comedically bad fighting stance.

"...what are you doing?" Naruto asked.

"Nothing!" The man replied, unconvincingly. He had shoulder length grey hair, and a leaf ninja headband, and really impractical looking sandals. "What are YOU doing?"

"Leaving." Naruto replied. "Why's a guy in the girls baths? Are you lost?"

"Trust me, kid." The man had a large grin on his face. "I'm exactly where I want to be."

"...So you're a girl?" Naruto replied. He didn't see any real reason for a man to be there.

"What? No!"

"Whatever grandma."

The man tch'd. "I'm not a woman, kid. I am the toad sage! Jiraiya of the sannin!"

"...uh-huh." Naruto eyed him critically. "Isn't Jiraiya meant to be some great hero? You look a bit too...old. And round."

The man seemed to deflate. "Ouch. Maybe I should follow Tsunade's example and get a permanent disguise jutsu." He moaned. "Kid, who are you?"

"Uzumaki Naruto." Naruto replied.

"Well well well." The old man leaned back on his haunches. "Kushina's kid, huh?"

"And the nine tails, yeah." Naruto added.

Jiraiya frowned. "You just...say that? To anyone?"

"Well the Hokage apparently made a rule that said nobody could tell anyone about me being a jinchurikki that didn't already know. But since everybody hated me anyway I figured it wasn't much good of a law, so I basically repealed it by, you know, telling everyone I met."

"Infallible problem solving." Jiraiya remarked. Then Naruto's brain caught up with the older man's mouth.

"Wait. You knew my mother?"

"Oh, now we're interested in the old granny, huh?" Jiraiya chuckled. "Yeah, I knew your mother. Uzumaki Kushina...will of fire's human form, that woman. Not to mention a massive, like _massive_ , uh...personality."

"Well what about-wait. How do I know I can trust you?" Naruto hedged. "For all I know you're just some guy with dumb sandals playing a prank on me."

"My sandals are not dumb. And I suppose you could ask the Hokage, he was my Jonin-sensei back in the day. I'm on my way to meet him, I just stopped by here to do some...research."

"Research? What would you be researching in the girls baths?"

"Some day, kid, some day." Jiraiya shook his head. "Well, I'd best be off. And if you ever do decide I'm who I say I am, come find me. I may have some fun ninja skills to teach you."

"Know any wind jutsu?" Naruto asked.

"Not many. That your specialty?"

"Yeah." Naruto sighed. "Kakashi doesn't know many either. I have these massive chakra reserves but I can't do anything with them, all I've really got is shadow clones."

Jiraiya hummed. "I can work with that. See you later, squirt."

He bit his finger and palmed the floor. With a poof of air, a large toad appeared under him, and (seemingly unencumbered by his weight) began bounding off into the middle distance.

"...Oh." Said a suddenly alone Naruto.

* * *

 **Twenty eight days after wave mission**

Hinata shifted her stance, eyes wide open with Byakugan lit up.

"Eight trigrams, sixty four palms!" She moved. Two, four, eight, sixteen, thirty two, each step an identical speed to the one before it, at least in theory. Being able to immobilise a target with sixty four unblocked attacks wasn't impressive. Launching all of those attacks in under _six seconds_ was. She finished the sixty fourth palm strike with a crack and staggered backwards, panting from her afternoon's exertions. The impressive sealing jutsu carved on the dummy meant that when Hinata poured some chakra into it, it took on a rough approximation of a person's chakra pathways. Her attacks had all landed in the right places, but not as accurately as she would have liked. Room for improvement, as always. Hinata put her hands together in front of her and called out "Activate restraints, level two!" Feeling the training seal reapply its restrictions on her movements, and turned away from the dummy. A session of training that left her too exhausted to think was a good thing, especially with her current goal in mind.

She walked through the empty Hyuuga compound. The bustle of the village was almost inaudible this far in, and her Byakugan's range could only spread so far, so she was alone with her footsteps and the creak of the floorboards. She left the dojo, passing through the gardens, and entered the main branch's home building. There, she walked through the hallway, up the stairs, and stopped in front of a certain door. She willed herself to move, but couldn't. She grit her teeth. It was always like this. It had been months since she'd first been able to walk past the door, a full year before she had first been back inside. Mustering the necessary will was hard. But she had a purpose. Taking in a breath, she put her hand on the doorknob, willed her fingers to stop shaking, and turned.

The door to her parents room opened.

She walked quickly, not looking at the bed, Byakugan off, keeping her eyes focused on the bookshelf along one wall. She scanned the volumes quickly. Most important books were kept in the Hyuuga library, and some in a well locked vault she couldn't get into yet, so most of the titles she saw were of novels her parents had been reading, or anything they had been researching at the time.

One particular scroll, however, was considered too sacred to be stored outside the clan head's immediate presence. She found what she was looking for, and reached up to it.

This would be her first time moving anything from the room. She could almost feel eyes on her back from the bed, watching her, and without looking back she grabbed the scroll and ran out the room, slamming the door behind her. Only then did she activate her Byakugan, and confirm that she was alone in the compound. She took the scroll into her own room and shut the curtains, ensuring a dark environment. She pulled the stopper out of the scroll. This was something she needed. Something that was expected of her, as the clan's heir. And more importantly, it was something she knew Neji had never learned. Hinata rolled out the summoning contract on her bedroom floor, and put a kunai to her finger.

* * *

 **Thirty four days after wave mission**

Sasuke flew. Encased in giant purple armour, he rose hundreds of metres above the landscape and looked down to see Itachi rising to meet him. He thrust his hands towards his older brother, and an arsenal of glowing knives and swords flung themselves towards the rising Uchiha. Itachi dodged, darting between the weapons easily and at one point running up the length of one's blade to gain height. Great balls of flame surrounded him as he rose above Sasuke, then called "Ultimate Nova explosion!" And sent a ball of flame at Sasuke big enough to outshine the sun. Sasuke moved his hands and drew water from a nearby lake, draining the basin to create a liquid barrier between him and the fireball. The jutsu clashed with a deafening boom. The attack didn't hit him, but his shield was vaporised anyway, so Sasuke moved to fling the boiling steam towards his older brother. Then Itachi appeared through the gas, a tornado of wind surrounding him that reminded Sasuke, briefly, of Hinata's rotation. Itachi blitzed past his sibling and put a palm on his armour, and with a wordless shout, a blast of power flung Sasuke back towards the earth. He slammed into the ground, creating a crater wider than a building, and immediately jumped to his feet. He made to jump out, but Itachi called out "Terra Prison!" And the ground around Sasuke shifted. He glared upwards with a howl of outrage as the earth buried him alive.

He then woke up on the glade of a clearing with a start.

"Oh come on." He grumbled, climbing to his feet.

Itachi was smiling at him from across the clearing. "Have fun?"

"I don't get how deliberately hallucinating is going to help me put people unconscious." Sasuke replied, pouting.

"Genjustu is all about subtlety manipulating the chakra through an opponents brain." Itachi explained. "The easiest place to start is with your own."

"But how did you _still_ win?"

Itachi smiled. "In part because you believed I would. Did you notice how I was calling out bogus jutsu names? It granted my actions a bit more legitimacy, your subconscious was more convinced it would work. Obviously in a real genjustu fight, you would be refusing to go along with the hallucination, and I would be trying to put you under something that you didn't notice or couldn't tell apart from reality. This was just to get you used to the feeling."

"Can't I just point my Sharingan at someone and make them punch themselves?"

Suddenly Itachi was behind him, cuffing him on the back of the head.

"Hey!"

"Never take the quick and easy route." The jonin admonished. "Well, don't make things unnecessarily complicated on missions, but never avoid putting in effort when training. Sharingan eye contact is a shortcut; it makes it easier to connect with an opponents mind and pour in more power more quickly. But it is not an instant win. I'm not letting you out there without a good grounding in the basics."

"Got it." Said Sasuke, suitably chastened. Then he winced. "Itachi, your shadow clone just killed mine again."

"Good. Make another one."

Sasuke sighed and acquiesced. "Shouldn't we be doing physical training with my real body?"

"You work with Gai." Itachi responded. "I'm not going to enforce more on top of that. Besides, being able to kill your student with impunity makes a lot of training easier."

"Always an excuse." Sasuke smiled fondly. "So. Do we go again?"

* * *

 **Thirty seven days after wave mission**

Leaf was cooler than Sand. The breeze felt good on his skin. The sun was less oppressive and the winds weren't as strong. It was chilly, in a refreshing way. The people were louder, more annoying, but he supposed that wouldn't be a problem if he killed all of them. Case in point, the small child that had just bumped into him.

He looked down at the boy, who gulped. "Uh...hi mister..."

"Gaara." Hissed Temari from next to him.

"Don't worry, sister." Gaara replied, not breaking eye contact with the child. "I can kill him without letting anyone know."

"And there are witnesses." Cautioned Kankuro.

"Them too." Gaara replied, casually. The sand floating around him twitched at the promise of bloodshed.

Then the child's hood was yanked and he was pulled behind the back of another, slightly older child. "Look, I don't know what your problem with Konohamaru is, but you'd better be-uh."

He paused, because Gaara's gaze had snapped up to his face and was staring at him intensely.

Two pairs of blue eyes met.

Shukaku stirred behind his left temple.

"Who...are you?" Gaara asked.

"Uzumaki Naruto." The blond boy replied. "Nine tails. Who are...whoa." Naruto looked down to his stomach.

"I'm Gaara. You're like me." Gaara tilted his head and looked at Naruto. He could feel the chakra of a tailed beast radiating from the boy.

"Wait, you're a jinchurikki too?" Despite clearly being uncomfortable, Naruto brightened. "Awesome! We need to talk sometime, I have no idea what's normal or not for us. It'll be great to get to know you and share stores about, you know, how our demons break out and kill people."

"That does happen a lot." Gaara agreed, slightly confused. He'd expected Naruto to immediately attack him. "Though I am trying to control mine when in Leaf. Orders."

"No, I get it." Naruto nodded. "Why are you here? I haven't seen you three around before."

"Chunin exams." Said Temari, uncertainly.

"Oh, cool! I...didn't know those were happening, but I'm definitely going to compete!"

"Please do. It will be good to get to kill you." Gaara informed him, thinking it was an important thing to make clear.

"Sounds good, sounds good." Naruto nodded. Then, realising he and Gaara's team were standing off in the middle of the road, "Oh, am I in your way?" He shifted to the side. "Sorry, do your thing. Good luck with the exams!"

"Thank you." Gaara replied, smiling at him, and walking past. His teammates hesitantly followed.

 _So, he's Konoha's jinchurikki._ Gaara mused. _He seems like a nice person._

* * *

Temari paused as she walked past Naruto. "That's the best I've ever seen anyone handle Gaara. Like, ever. Are you really like him? You seem so...sane."

Naruto went 'pfft'. "Wait really? Huh. Honestly he seems like a pretty cool guy. I like him." His stomach rumbled and he gulped.

"Were your eyes always...red?" Temari asked him.

"Nope!" Naruto grinned. "Well, I'm going to go throw up. Nice to meet you!" He walked off very quickly towards some trees.

Temari shook her head and backed away slowly. "So this is why Dad never let me leave Suna." She mumbled under her breath, before jogging to catch up with her brothers.

* * *

 **Time passes. Everyone's favourite pervert is back in town, I can't restrain myself from writing NaruHina fluff, our leads start expanding their arsenals, and part-time-monster, full-time-badass Gaara is in the building.**

 **Y'all already know what happens next.**


	12. Oh Great, a Maths Test

**Oh great, a f**** maths test**

* * *

Chunin Exams:

The chunin exams are held bi-annually, cycling through each of the five hidden villages as hosts, and act as a test to see if any genin from the hidden villages are ready to be promoted to chunin.

The specifics of the exams are left to the village hosting, but traditionally consist of three parts.

The first tests the knowledge and psychological preparedness of the genin; usually through some form of written test, outright psychological warfare, or both.

The second primarily functions to pit the genin against each other in a test of cunning and creativity, under the pretense of testing their survival training.

The third is almost always a competitive tournament; none, any, or all of the genin who have made it this far may be promoted depending on their performance, no matter how many matches they actually win.

The chunin exams are incredibly difficult; despite well over a hundred genin often being sent to compete, usually only a tiny fraction of that will pass. If any more than ten pass in one exam, the host village will be looked down on for having low standards. On the contrary; if too few or none of a hidden village's genin pass without good cause, then this can sour diplomatic relations between them and the host village. These issues are exacerbated by the fact that the hosting Kage is the one ultimately responsible for deciding who from the finalists pass.

For the competing genin, the rewards are substantial. Not only does the winner of the final tournament receive a significant cash prize, chunin are given greater freedoms, and permitted to take on harder and more lucrative missions. And for the children of ninja _clans,_ it is often necessary to reach chunin rank before being considered a true 'adult', and doing so allows them access to certain clan 'hidden' jutsu they had not previously had access to.

The exam is high risk, high reward, however. In stages two and three, it is entirely legal for the genin to kill each other...

- _Hokage's guide, page 483, written by Sarutobi Hiruzen_

* * *

Naruto led team seven up the staircase. This wasn't through any sort of leadership, he was just the most excited to be there. He paused on the second floor, though, looking at the crowd of genin he saw there. "Hey, guys! What are you all doing here?"

"Uh, chunin exams?" Kiba growled back. Most of the Konoha kids had shrugged off their dislike of Naruto once he'd explained the village's problem with him. Kiba however (as the one Naruto had pranked the most, other than Sasuke) hadn't really gotten over his grudge. "Makes sense your sensei wouldn't think you were ready."

Naruto frowned. "Oh no, we're attempting it, but I thought it was on the third floor."

"This _is_ the third floor." Said one of the genin, chuckling.

"Wait, what?" Naruto blinked. He looked up to the sign, and it definitely said three. "Wait no, because," he jogged over to the window and looked down. "Yeah we are definitely only two floors up."

A few more of the genin walked over to the window and looked down. "Hey, he's right!"

"Why is the second floor labelled the third?"

"It's a genjutsu, dumbasses!" Sasuke called from the staircase, where he and Hinata had paused on their way up.

"He's right." The Hyuuga said, more quietly.

"Yeah! Duh!" Naruto exclaimed. "I, of course, noticed that immediately."

"I totally realised about the genjutsu, just like you!" A certain pink haired genin called to Sasuke.

He noticed her, gulped, and sidled back behind Naruto.

The girl's face fell. "I told you something felt wrong!" Sakura rounded on Kiba. "But no, 'sign says floor three' you said. Idiot."

"Well maybe if you'd-"

Team eight devolved into scuffling as a sighing Shino moved to try and split apart his teammates.

Two of the genin gave each other significant glances and put their hands together. With a poof, the chunin exam proctors appeared. "I am embarrassed that that almost worked on so many of you." Said one.

"Let this be a lesson." Said the other. "You don't always need acute senses to overcome genjutsu. Sometimes you just need _common_ sense. Get your asses upstairs." The two vanished.

"Fuckin' idiots." Sasuke shook his head, trying not to laugh.

* * *

"How goes their progress?" Asked the third Hokage, lighting his pipe.

"They're coming on in leaps and bounds." Kakashi answered. "Sasuke would have passed his chunin exams if he'd taken them instead of his genin ones; his brother's been going through the basics of genjutsu with him, and his grasp of tactics is what I'd expect of someone twice his years. Hinata's slowly branching out into summoning and lightning techniques, but that's only because she's mastered almost all her clans hidden jutsu. Naruto lacks his teammates' skill, but in terms of physical strength and chakra he's...well if you'll forgive the term, he's a monster. He can use the fourth level of the training seal for limited time."

"Isn't that like swimming through cement?" Hiruzen asked, eyes wide. "How strong is he?"

"In terms of sheer muscle, stamina and speed, almost on the level of Gai's not-son. I had to subtly open the first gate so he wouldn't beat me in an arm wrestle." Kakashi shrugged. "People are calling me lazy for delegating so much of their training, but frankly the results speak for themselves." He squinted. "You didn't tell me Jiraiya was back in town."

"I assumed Naruto had told you?"

"Oh he did. Though he wanted to check that the 'fat old man who spied on girls baths' was really one of the legendary sannin. On the subject of which, did he tell you about-"

"-his next volume will be released in a few weeks." The Hokage cackled. "I've managed to get us both early copies."

"You're the best, boss."

"God of Shinobi, don't you ever forget it."

They laughed together for a moment.

"And the chunin exams?" The third continued. "You convinced them to compete?"

"They're on their way to the written exam now."

"Did you have any trouble?"

Kakashi thought about it.

* * *

 _"Hey sensei!" Naruto called to him, walking to training one day. "You didn't tell me the chunin exams were coming up!"_

 _"Oh yeah those." Kakashi replied. "Wanna compete?"_

 _"Hell yeah!"_

 _He turned to his other two students. "You two as well?"_

 _"'Course."_

 _"Absolutely."_

 _"Well, that was quick." Kakashi assessed. "I'm probably supposed to warn you that this will be very dangerous and result in lots of character development-"_

 _"Harder than duelling two mist jonin on top of a river?" Sasuke checked._

 _"Probably not."_

 _"Then lets do this."_

* * *

"After employing my flawless negotiation tactics, they all quickly agreed." Kakashi summarised. "And I have every confidence they'll pass."

"Lets hope." Hiruzen drew on his pipe.

"You're stressed." Kakashi noticed the tension in his hands.

The third huffed. "You and your eyes, Kakashi. Of course I'm stressed." He pulled the pipe out. "Konoha has a reputation, ever since Hashirama set up this whole system and sprinkled the tailed beasts like breadcrumbs for the other villages. Then Tobirama, then myself...we made it tradition to make the other villages look bad, and now we're paying for it. If Minato was here, everything would be fine, but it's been twelve years and nobody looms quite as large as he did. Who do I promote as my successor? Itachi can't negotiate to save his life, Jiraiya and Tsunade act like they'll light on fire if they walk into my tower. I am afraid for my village, Kakashi."

"You aren't dying yet." Kakashi tried for a chuckle. It came out hollow. "Right?"

"Not that I know of." Sarutobi looked down. "But my senses aren't as sharp as they used to be."

"You can't be implying that someone will try to-"

"Sabaku no Gaara is competing in the chunin exams."

"Oh _shit_ -" Kakashi moved to stand but Hiruzen darted a hand out and grabbed his.

"There is but one recourse." He said, eyes not those of a grandfather, but a battle honed ninja. "The next time the chunin exams fall on Konoha is in two and a half years. Team seven will be fifteen, old enough to be jonin, old enough to garner _reputation_. Nobody will dare to move on us until then if, and only if, we use this opportunity to prove our strength."

"Sensei-"

"Konoha has to win the exams." The third asserted. "Fairly. Ideally, we need the finals to be two of your genin fighting each other. Because there's only three names with the potential to grow into this accursed hat. I believe one has already expressed an interest."

"They are _children_." Kakashi was surprised to find he was furious.

"They are _ninja_." The third replied. "The hidden villages grow restless, Danzo schemes behind my back, one of our most prominent ninja clans is dead and the Akatsuki pulls strings in the shadows. I care about those children, Kakashi. But I care about my village more."

Slowly, Kakashi unclenched his fists. "This is why I didn't want a genin team." He muttered. "I knew I'd get attached."

"That is why I made you take one." Hiruzen replied, his face softer. "Over time I've learned that if ninja aren't attached to anything, all it takes is a strong enough wind to blow them away."

* * *

Hinata was still in her seat as the rules were explained to the genin. Nine questions. Nine points. Get caught cheating, lose two points. If your point count is positive before the end of the exam, you pass. Tl;dr: five slip ups and you're out. Too generous, in her mind, but this was only the first stage of the exams.

"You have fifty minutes before the secret tenth question is revealed. Please begin."

Hinata leaned back in her chair, unconcerned. She didn't even need to form hand seals, just to activate her Byakugan and wait for the answers to fall into her-

"Number 39, number 33! Minus two points."

"What?" Exclaimed her and, two seats back, Sasuke.

"Blatantly obvious dojutsu abuse counts as cheating." Said Morino Ibiki, the proctor, with a cruel grin. "I'd get working, kids. Ten seconds in and you're already in debt."

Hinata grit her teeth. _Alright then. Effort time._ She opened the paper.

* * *

Naruto was panicking. _Written test? When the heck is a chunin going to have to take one of these?_

Especially the maths. One question about the arc of a thrown kunai was asking for calculations even when the obvious answer was just 'eyeball it'. He wondered if that would get him partial credit. People around him were already scratching down answers, and both his teammates had already been caught out trying to cheat. How could they? That was just bad manners. Although, looking at some of these questions, it sure was tempting...

Naruto gulped, and started praying for some some sort of help.

* * *

Outside, Naruto's shadow clone continued practicing the jutsu Jiraiya had shown him. It was tricky, but it built upon the other non-elemental techniques he actually knew how to do, so he'd probably have it sorted by the time the chunin exams actually called on him to fight. Screwing his nose up, he went through the seals again.

"Naruto? Oh thank god, I was worried you'd been stupid and dispelled everything."

The Naruto clone looked to his left. "Sasuke? What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be in the exam?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I am in the exam, dumbass, this is a shadow clone. Come on, let's move. I think I'll have to split myself into two again, not that I don't trust you to do both parts of the mission, but, well, I don't."

"Hold on, slow down." Naruto-clone held up a hand. "What are we doing?"

"Cheating?" Said Sasuke-clone. "Is that not why you're out here?"

"What? No!" Naruto-clone was offended. "I'm out here training while the real me does a test. You're cheating? That's against the rules!"

"It's a ninja test." Sasuke-clone admonished. "You're _supposed_ to cheat."

"...oooooh."

"It's at times like these I remember you never technically passed the genin exam...Come on. I was listening at the door and we have three main objectives: Find out what the questions are, find out what the answers are, then find a way to tell Hinata, all without getting caught. She didn't leave any clones outside, which sucks, because the ability to see through walls would be _really useful_ right now."

"Konoha has a library." Naruto-clone pointed out. "We can probably get most of the answers from in there."

"Which doesn't solve the problem of seeing the question sheets." Sasuke-clone mused. "If they discover we're the shadow clones of certain genin they'll probably dock us points."

"Wait, we have to find some way of getting in there?" Naruto-clone asked. "How? Sasuke, the guards are all chunin. The head proctor is the head of T&I!"

"Alright, think of it this way." Sasuke-clone posed. "This is a prank. You need to find a way to...I don't know, read one of the people's diaries, which is on their desk in front of them. What do you do?"

That set Naruto-clone thinking. After a few moments, he looked up with a grin. "Hey Sasuke. You can use the transformation jutsu properly, right? To look like a real person and not just a knife?"

"I can." Sasuke-clone nodded.

"In which case...I have an idea."

* * *

"Number 13, that's five failures. You're out!" Ibiki watched one of his plants grumble and walk out the room. The first disqualification (technically) and the pressure showed on the students faces. He loved his job. He put a stern look on his face and swept his gaze across the room, making anyone looking at him avert their eyes.

Then his ears pricked. In the distance, he heard some oddly familiar guitar chords. Then there was an intake of breath from outside the classroom door.

"Some-" the door slammed open "-BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME!"

" _Hokage-Sama?_ " Came the surprised yells from almost every student in the room. The third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, strode into the room with a manic look on his face.

"These genin do not possess correct writing materials!" Hiruzen shouted. "Morino Ibiki! Where is your will of fire, hmm? Your career will be reviewed after this day! But first-" he put his hands together, "MULTI PENCIL JUTSU!" He then proceeded to inelegantly hurl a good three dozen 2B pencils all over the room, much to the annoyance of most of the examinees.

One of the chunin next to the door sighed, walking up and lightly tapping the third on the back. The disguise dispelled, leaving Kiba standing in his place. "Uh...I can explain?" Kiba said, in a whiny tone.

"What?" Said the real Kiba from his seat, looking thoroughly confused.

The chunin sighed and hit the standing Kiba harder, dispelling it. "Subject 29, minus two points."

"What? But that wasn't me! I don't even know how to do that jutsu!"

As the Inuzuka boy threw his hissy fit, Sasuke slid the pencil (which he had grabbed out of the air as it went for his face) into a pocket on his jacket. A place where, if it had been hypothetically able to see, it would have had a great view of everything on his desk.

Sasuke grinned. The game was on.

* * *

 **WOO here we go. Hiruzen continues to be manipulative as hell, but I think I've outlined his reasoning pretty well. As much fun as they're all having, team seven is in a nasty world, and they're going to have to grow up fast, or get eaten alive. Next chapter, cheating. A shitton of cheating.**


	13. Oh great, a Maths Test: Part 2

**Oh great, a F***** maths test: Part 2**

The exam hall was in a very well hidden chaos.

That Sasuke could see: there was razor wire spiderwebbing at least a third of the room, one of the proctors was definitely a puppet, Shino's bugs were competing with sand grains for airspace, and there was far too much condensation on the roof for a mist ninja _not_ to be doing something. Time for him to contribute. The pencil in his breast pocket vibrated (there was only so much someone disguised as a static object could do) and Sasuke very deliberately wrinkled his nose. After a moment he leaned back, creasing his eyes up, and let out an almighty sneeze. A few of the proctors looked suspiciously at him, and he smiled at them apologetically. Nobody noticed that his pencil had vanished.

* * *

"Okay, here come the memories." Said Sasuke-clone, scribbling on a piece of paper as fast as he could. "One, kunai arc physics, two..." he devolved into muttering.

"Don't you have perfect memory?" Naruto-clone asked.

"When the Sharingan is on, sure." Sasuke mumbled. "Less so when it's memories I got from a pencil...there."

He activated his Sharingan and scanned the paper. "Okay, that's everything we need to know. Now we just need to worry about knowing it."

He folded up the paper and put it in his pocket, looking up. The two were outside what was affectionately called the 'lesser library of Konoha' after the 'great library of Konoha' had been destroyed in the kyuubi attack. Sasuke had reasoned that it should contain all the knowledge required for the exam; if not in their normal stock, then because the proctors had probably put it there in case the graduates were enterprising enough to escape the exam hall.

"Alright, we've got a bunch of maths questions, obscure history, chakra theory and (for some reason) the forging process of a kunai. Once we learn the facts and equations we can just dispel ourselves and our real minds should learn the information."

"What about Hinata?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke smiled. "Leave that to me. Actually, my plan should work on you as well, when you inevitably forget what we've learned."

"Ehehe..."

"C'mon. We have thirty five minutes before question ten drops."

They were able to get into the library, through a combination of Sasuke's 'big ancient clan' threatening and Naruto's 'the kyuubi's far less likely to destroy this place if I'm using it' rationalisation.

A sufficiently terrified librarian told them that books on those subjects had recently been delivered ("I told you so!") and they were quickly directed to the appropriate location.

After a combination of ten Naruto clones, Sharingan perfect recall, and far more noise than was polite in a library, they were most of the way done inside of ten minutes.

That was when lookout-Naruto tapped Sasuke on the shoulder.

"So the theory that Hashirama passed over Madara for Tobirama due to an illicit sibling relationship was actually proposed by one Mr Jinato-what?" Sasuke looked up.

"We, uh..." the blond genin pointed towards the library entrance. "We may have a problem."

* * *

Itachi Uchiha walked into the lesser Konoha library and smiled at the shaken looking librarian. "Good morning." He began. "I'm looking for a few specific titles on the warring states period, I was wondering if you could help me."

"Oh, Uchiha-sama!" Exclaimed the woman, upon noticing. "Yes, of course I can help. Is this related to your brother's research?"

"My brother's?" Itachi asked, feigning surprise.

"Yes, he and the, um, Uzumaki child came in just a few minutes ago." She quite blatantly swallowed the word 'fox' and pointed to a stack of shelves halfway down the corridor.

"I see. Excuse me for a moment." Itachi nodded politely to her, and quickly but calmly walked down to the correct isle. A good six heads of hair, one black, most blond, turned to face him.

"Oh, hey big brother." Sasuke waved absently, then went back to his book. "What're you here for?"

"Doing some research." Itachi replied. "What about you?"

"Doing some research." Sasuke smiled.

"That's not much like you." Itachi responded, leaning on one bookcase. "And definitely not like Naruto here."

"We're looking for some information on who his parents were." Sasuke explained. "You wouldn't happen to know who 'Jinato Kusumaki' was, would you?"

"One of Jiraiya's older pen names, unless I'm mistaken." Itachi replied. "And that lie was almost good enough for me to miss it."

Sasuke, to his credit, only tilted his head in confusion.

All six of the Narutos, however, did some combination of gulping and shifting on their feet.

"Not to mention the fact that you're both supposed to be in a written exam at the moment."

"Fuck." Sasuke growled.

"Quite." Itachi drawled.

"So what now?"

"Well," Itachi pretended to think about it. "I'm technically not a part of the examination system," Sasuke's face rose, "But I am a jonin of the leaf, so I'm somewhat expected to stop these things. And if you couldn't even manage to infiltrate a _friendly_ building without being caught, that's not exactly chunin behaviour."

"Oh come on!" Sasuke complained.

"Well, looks like you got us." One of the Narutos said, sighing dramatically. "I guess we'll just dispel ourselves and you can-"

"I know how shadow clones work, Naruto."

"-Crap."

"So what are you going to do?" Sasuke asked, defiantly. "You can't stop us without dispelling us. And even if you go to the exam hall and tell them to drop two points from us, we'll still be in the positive."

"Oh, but you're wrong on the first point, Sasuke." Itachi wiggled a finger. "I know plenty of techniques that let me seal away shadow clones without dispelling them. Even one that summons the grim reaper, if you're interested." He cracked his fingers.

"Do you think I can get all seven of you before one of you dispels yourselves? Or, I suppose, I'll only have to really bother with Sasuke, as he's the one with the perfect memory."

Sasuke seemed to deflate. "Alright, great, we're doing this...can I ask one last thing before you do god-knows-what to us?"

"Go on." Itachi allowed.

"Apologise to the librarian for us, okay?"

Itachi had a feeling he would someday regret the invincible reputation he'd built up in front of his little brother, as the kunai that came flying towards him would have definitely murdered a regular civilian. It wasn't a great throw; (leading him to believe it was Naruto who had made it) two kunai attached clumsily by razor wire coming in behind him with the intent to wrap around his torso. He could catch them, of course he could, but they didn't mean to hit him, they just wanted to keep his hands busy. The remaining clones had decided that the fastest way to dispel each other was to stab each other to death. Creative. Watching as if in slow motion (which he pretty much was. Ninja are fast) he used one hand to grab one of the kunai flying towards him, ducking the wire so the second kunai went flying over his head, then used his other hand to individually pull the knives from the suicidal clones hands. He then snapped the wire between his fingers, throwing one knife to hit the Naruto who was in the adjacent aisle (he had probably substituted with the books, clever) and letting the kunai on the other end of the wire fly, butt first, towards the furthest away Naruto in the group of seven, who was running through a familiar set of hands seals and-oh, transformation technique, very clever. The great fireball blew from Naruto (Actually Sasuke)'s lips. Every other shadow clone there jumped backwards into the flames as Itachi, conceding defeat, stopped his suicide-prevention and started weaving a much rarer set of seals. Even as the fire flew out into the aisle, it was sucked into a rotating sphere above Itachi's hand. This was not before the set of clones jumped through the flames, however, cooking themselves into puffs of smoke.

After another second, there was quiet.

"That was very well done." Itachi said aloud. "They must have had, what, three or four seconds to prepare?"

He turned around. The librarian was staring at him with a slightly horrified look on her face.

"Not to mention Sasuke casting the great fireball jutsu with, what, a clone that had a quarter of his chakra? Less?" Itachi continued gushing. "I've got to ask him about this when we have dinner tonight."

The librarian pointed mutely at his hand, and the flaming sphere of death floating above it.

"Oh, right. I should probably take this somewhere it can explode harmlessly. Sasuke says sorry."

He breezed past the woman out into the hallway.

* * *

An owl flapped down from the corner of the room and landed on Hinata's desk. It prodded one of the options of a multi choice on her paper, then fluttered back up to a nook near the ceiling.

"That isn't mine." Hinata said, deadpan, circling the option it had indicated.

One of the proctors rolled his eyes, but didn't call her on it.

Naruto and Sasuke, who had been dozing throughout the last twenty minutes, both suddenly jerked upright in their seats, exchanged glances, and started writing. Sasuke looked across to her, and their eyes met for a few seconds, before he went back to his test. Hinata shrugged, glad her teammates had finally come up with something, and turned back to her own paper. That was when she heard the voice.

"Hinata it's me don't react don't dispel the genjutsu!"

She froze in place. Sasuke was still sat working diligently, but his voice was appearing in her head.

"I've placed you under an auditory genjutsu." His voice explained. "Me and Naruto worked out the answers to just about all the questions. Did you get any yourself?"

Hinata tapped three times on the desk. Paused. Tapped seven times. Paused. Tapped six.

"You got questions three six and seven?"

She nodded minutely.

"Wow, okay. Well, here's what we got for most of the others..."

Team seven filled in their answers in silence as the minutes ticked by.

"Alright then." Spoke up Ibiki, right as the clock hit ten to. "It is now time to reveal the final question."

The espionage warfare across the room all stopped.

"Now, before I do so, I am going to offer everyone in this room a chance to forfeit. Doing so will still knock out your entire team, of course."

"What?"

"Why would we do that?"

Ibiki grinned at them. "Because once I give you this final question, failing to answer it correctly will mean instant failure. Your teammates will drop out too, of course, but more than that; you will be banned from ever taking the Chunin exams again."

The room exploded into outrage.

Hinata's knuckles went white on her table.

"Make your choice." Ibiki continued. "If you drop out now you'll be free to retake the exam in six months. Maybe then you'll face a nicer examiner. But if you're going to take the last question...be ready to put your future as a ninja on the line."

The whole class felt the wave of killing intent he projected.

There were a few moments of pressure.

"I'm out." Said one of the genin Hinata was almost sure was a plant.

Him and his sullen teammates walked dejectedly out the room. That opened the floodgates. One, then two, then three more teams dropped out, walking out the class with their heads held low.

Hinata barely noticed them, she was a bit busy having an internal crisis. Naruto was going to stay put. She could see it. There was no doubt in his eyes, there never was, and she admired him so much for it but it was going to ruin him. Sasuke had filled her in on their plan via genjutsu message, (though was now strangely silent) they didn't have any more shadow clones on the outside. There was no way this new question could be answered by what they'd already learned, it would probably be some extra hard problem solving or, even worse, some philosophical question about what it meant to be a ninja. Will of fire or no, Naruto did not have the mindset to pass that sort of question. Sasuke wouldn't give up either, he had a clan behind him, an expectation to meet, his older brother was Itachi freaking Uchiha, biggest prodigy in his generation. It was...up to her...

Could she do it? Drop out? She didn't have a clan's expectations. Her clan was dead. Ranks and titles meant nothing to her, so why did she want to become a Chunin? To test herself against strong opponents, for one, but mostly to access higher difficulty missions. To get stronger. But was six months of B-ranks much more useful than six months of knuckles-down training?

Would taking the question even matter, if one of her teammates got her disqualified?

No, she could drop out. The question was whether she should. Naruto would be upset but he would forgive her; she hated manipulating him but he _would_. And if he was banned from ever becoming Chunin...she knew it would crush him. Better a temporary pain and some patience than permanent consequence. Shaking, one of her hands began to raise.

That was when Naruto jumped on top of his fucking table.

"You must be outta your Goddamn mind!" He declared, sweeping his arm across the room to encompass all the proctors. "If you think, that anyone in this room is going to give up because of a stupid threat like that!"

The class' eyes were on him now. Hinata's mouth fell open in shock.

"We're ninja!" Naruto continued. "We were prepared to face _death_ in this exam. You think we're going to run away with our tails between our legs because of a ban from promotion?"

"Not to mention the political ramifications." Sasuke spoke up. "You think the other hidden villages are going to meekly accept when you tell them their genin can _never_ be promoted? The Kazekage's children are in this room. Good luck with that."

"Interesting theory." Ibiki smiled down at Sasuke, looking for all the world like he was watching the boy dig his own grave. "You willing to bet your future on it?"

"And even if you do stop me from being promoted." Naruto continued. "Who cares? I'll keep getting stronger. I'll become so strong the idea of me being a genin is a joke. And then," He pointed his finger at Ibiki. "When I'm the first genin to become Hokage, I'm gonna fire you for being such a crappy exam proctor!"

"He means we're staying." Added Hinata, her hands now very deliberately laid on her desk. "Do your worst, Proctor-sama."

"Well, one team has more balls than sense." Ibiki chuckled, looking across the room. "Anyone else want to leave while they have the chance?"

Nobody else did. Naruto's talk no jutsu had gotten through to them, it seemed, and they were all resolutely sat at their desks, eyes determined.

"Very well." Ibiki shrugged. "I suppose now's the time to say that everybody still in this hall...

...Passes!"

* * *

"...What?"

"So what's the final question?"

"The final question." Ibiki explained. "Was seeing whether or not you were willing to risk continuing in the face of serious consequence. To many of you, death is an ethereal thing, not much of a motivating factor sat in an air conditioned exam room. Expulsion is a _much_ more tangible threat. If you're willing to put your careers on the line to do your duty, you're ready to be chunin. Alternate passing methods include calling our bluff like the Uchiha did, infiltrating my office to find the plans for the exam conveniently sat on my desk, or throwing a tantrum and successfully defeating me and all the other proctors."

" _Sick of all this ninja fake out bullshit_." Sasuke mumbled to himself.

"So, to all you who have succeeded." Ibiki continued. "You get to progress to the second round of the exams, which entails-"

At which point the window was smashed in.

A head of purple hair and an uncomfortably tight mesh suit jumped through the aperture, landing in front of the class in a dramatic pose.

"My sincerest apologies, kiddies." The woman said. "Because passing has just caused you a hell of a lot more problems." She looked up with a wide, vaguely sadistic grin. "My name is Mitarashi Anko, proctor of the second stage. And if you thought Ibiki was sadistic...

You ain't seen nothing yet."

* * *

 **I do love doing character development, it makes me feel like an actual author and not some idiot posting fanfiction onto the internet...**

 **And more Itachi! Itachi is still best big brother, though I'm probably preaching to the choir here. Obviously the next chapter, we head into the forest of death.**

 **And you all know what happens in the forest of death.**


	14. It's only called 'The Forest of Death'

**What? It's only called 'The forest of death.'**

 **Ten years earlier**

"Those two little shits!" A younger Morino Ibiki slammed a pair of exam papers onto the table and collapsed into his seat with a sigh.

Nobody else in the staffroom bothered to ask which two 'little shits' he was referring to.

"Am I to assume Neji and Itachi passed the written exam?" Asked the third Hokage, smiling benignly.

"Passed?" Ibiki growled. "They picked it apart!"

"Did you do the one where they were supposed to cheat?" Asked one of the other proctors.

"Oh yeah. But they..." Ibiki swallowed. "Okay, so they didn't leave their seats for the entire exam. I _know_ they didn't. And no dojutsu use either. But then I collect in the papers at the end of the exam...First of all, both got all nine questions correct. The Hyuuga wrote down on the back all the ways he'd caught the _other_ participants cheating. The ones _we_ didn't catch. And the Uchiha wrote down blackmail material on both me and every other proctor in the exam!"

There was a pause. Suddenly everyone in the room darted at once towards the two papers.

Hiruzen flicked his finger from his own seat, and they went up in a burst of flame. "Gentlemen, please. Ibiki, do you have any particular comments moving on to the second portion of the exam?"

"Handicap them." The head of T&I demanded. "Poison them, forget to give them a scroll, send them in late. For the love of Kami, at least split them apart. Otherwise they might get _bored,_ and then it's very possible nobody else will make it to the third stage."

Outside, in the streets, Itachi and Neji were walking home from the exam. "So..." Itachi began. "Bear with me, but I think we were supposed to _cheat_."

* * *

 **Present day**

The next morning, all the remaining genin had congregated outside outside the forest of death. Many had been slightly put off by the fact that 'The Forest Of Death' was actually its name, but team seven had eventually agreed that it was just ninja being melodramatic as usual. It would be deadly, probably, but nothing to be overly concerned about.

"Pack check." Sasuke called. "Week of food rations?"

"Check." Both his teammates echoed him.

"Medkit?"

"Check."

"Sleeping bag?"

"Check."

"Assorted murder tools?"

"Check." "Damn right check."

"Compass?"

"Check."

"Uh..." Naruto shuffled through his bag. "Funny thing..."

"Here." Hinata fished one out of her own bag. "I brought extras just in case."

"Thanks, Hinata! You'd make a great mom!"

She choked, putting a hand to her mouth and going red.

"Yeah, we're basically Naruto's parents. _Civilian_ twelve year olds can't be worse than him..." Sasuke zipped his bag up and shouldered it. "At least we've all got food. I'm almost surprised they didn't tell us 'not to eat or we'll throw up'. Still not over that shit."

"Were you able to get any information on the forest from your family?" Hinata asked, recovering.

"Tried." Sasuke huffed. "But I couldn't get a word in edgeways."

* * *

 **The night before**

"He was amazing!"

"Stop."

"And then he went 'apologise to the librarian for me' in this action hero voice,"

" _Stop_."

"-and then one of the shadow clones they'd hidden threw those kunai and-"

" _STOP_." Sasuke buried his head in his hands. "Itachi, you're embarrassing me."

"But you were so cool!" Itachi gushed. "Casting the great fireball with a clone of a clone? Under a transformation technique?"

"I can manage about eight from full to empty chakra." Sasuke admitted.

"See this is the thing! I'm proud of you."

"No, you're mocking me!"

"Dad, Sasuke did good, didn't he?"

"By your age the great fireball's chakra cost was negligible." Fugaku replied, disinterestedly. "He has a lot of progress to make."

"See?" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Don't listen to him." Itachi replied, with a bit more ardour than a casual dismissal should have warranted.

"Sasuke has passed the first stage of the exams." Fugaku stated. "That is all that matters. And he will pass the second and third with just as much success, if he is a true Uchiha."

"But we'll be proud of him no matter what, right?" Said Mikoto, giving her husband a significant glance.

"Hmm." Replied Fugaku, noncommittally.

"Of course we will." Itachi filled in, shooting his younger sibling a smile. "Not that I doubt you, of course."

* * *

 **Present day**

"Family, I swear." Sasuke shook his head in despair.

"Yeah, family. Totally get you." Naruto grumbled.

"Truly, they cause me much trouble." Agreed Hinata.

"Okay, that was insensitive." Sasuke admitted, before frowning. "What exactly did you two do last night?"

"Sat alone in my flat." Naruto replied.

"Sat alone in my house." Hinata answered.

Sasuke gave them concerned glances. "Wait, what do you normally do when I leave?"

"Wait for you to get back." Naruto sighed.

"Okay, wow, do you guys like, want a hug?"

"Feeling prepared, fellow ninja?" Said an older genin, with odd grey blue hair, walking up to them with a smile.

"We're confident we will survive the forest." Hinata replied, voice polite but eyes wary.

"The forest, perhaps. But what about the other competitors?" Said the newcomer. "Name's Kabuto. And I can help you with the latter, if you'd like."

"You're offering info on the other competitors?" Sasuke caught on.

Kabuto nodded. "I have data cards. One on each of the competing genin. If you like I can show you a few."

"What's the price?" Sasuke asked.

Kabuto shrugged. "No price. This is free info."

"That's incredibly suspicious." Sasuke deadpanned. "Why would you give us correct information for free? We're in competition."

"Well, let's look at the info I have on you." Kabuto shuffled through his cards. "You've done an A-rank already, two of you have bloodline limits, and one of you doesn't even try to hide the fact that he's the nine tails fox. Quite frankly, you're a team I'd be glad to have some rapport with."

"You look older than most of the genin here." Hinata mentioned. "How many times have you attempted the exam?"

"Seven."

She rolled her eyes, which looked a little weird with her blank white orbs. "Little fish swimming with the sharks." She declared.

"What?" Naruto looked at her.

"He's bargaining for our favour so we'll help him win." Sasuke explained. "You two extort him as much as you want, no offense but Uchiha honour says I can't associate with him." He turned around as his teammates started quizzing Kabuto about his cards, and immediately jerked backwards, as a face pressed towards his.

"Lee?" He asked.

"Sasuke!" Rock Lee shouted, despite being a matter of centimetres from Sasuke's face. "I must defeat you!"

"...More than usual?" Sasuke asked.

Team Seven's daily training with team 9/Gai put Sasuke into frequent sparring with Lee. The bushy browed genin treated every fight like a duel for the fate of the earth.

"Indeed!" Lee nodded. "I have encountered the most beautiful girl in the world!"

"Really?" Sasuke asked. "Good for you. Some lady from one of the other hidden villages come to visit?"

"No." Lee shook his head. "Haruno Sakura!"

There was a pause. Sasuke tried not to snort. "Sakura?" He confirmed. "With the pink hair and red dress?"

"Her exactly!" Lee confirmed. "She is a divine vision of perfection!"

"I mean, she's not bad." Sasuke shrugged. "How does that relate to me?"

"You have stolen her heart!" Lee leaned back only to point a finger into Sasuke's face. "She is infatuated with you!"

"That is true." Sasuke agreed.

"If I am to claim her love for myself..." Lee explained, in his own way. "I must defeat you in combat!"

Sasuke sighed. "Lee, I don't think that's how it wo-" He stopped to think about it. "You want to date Sakura?"

"Yes!"

"Which would, logically, get her to stop bothering _me_?"

"That makes sense to me." Lee nodded.

"Lee." Sasuke put a hand on his shoulder. "My friend. I wholeheartedly support your endeavour."

"You do?!" Lee's eyes went wider than usual.

Sasuke nodded. "Absolutely. I think you'd be perfect with her. In fact, tell her I said that."

"I will!" Lee shouted. "Thank you for your approval, friend Sasuke! But I must still defeat you and Hinata and Sai in the finals as you are all my rivals!"

"Depending on how sucky this next round is, there might not even be three rounds." Sasuke mused, but Lee had already gone. He sighed.

"Alright guinea pigs- I mean, prospective chunin!" Anko's voice carried out over the clearing. "Get separated into your teams, we're starting!"

Chunin helpers came around to each team, discreetly handing them all a scroll, which Naruto snatched and started examining.

"You will notice that your scroll is either inscribed with the symbol for heaven or the symbol for earth!" Anko told the crowd. "That's important. You see, in order to pass, you must reach the tower in the centre of the forest of death with _both_ a heaven and an earth scroll. And yes, that means you must get the correct one from your competitors."

The teams started eyeing each other nervously. Without speaking, Naruto handed the scroll to Sasuke.

"You can see which scroll everyone has, right?" Asked the Uchiha.

"Get me a pen and paper." Replied the Hyuuga.

* * *

An hour or two later, when all the teams had been arrayed around the circular woods, the call was given to open the floodgates, and more than three dozen genin launched into the forest of death. Twenty minutes after that, a certain grass ninja had murdered both his teammates, spared a laugh for how unobservant they were, then began hunting. An hour and ten minutes after that, the three sand siblings had murdered a full team, taken their scroll, and beaten the exam in record breaking time.

Five or so hours after that, team seven stopped to rest.

"Nobody." Naruto grumbled, helping to set up camp. "Nobody to fight. We've been looking all day!"

"Everyone from Konoha knows who we are and what we can do." Sasuke mused. "And with Kabuto trading around peoples' information, even more will be clued in. It's possible people are avoiding us."

"We have enough of a reputation that people are scared of us?" Naruto asked, a smile coming over his face. "So that's like...actual respect, right?"

"False respect." Sasuke corrected. "Us for our names, and you for your, uh, 'tenant'. Actual respect is for who you are, or for what you've done."

"You get that from Itachi?"

"...yeah."

"Well, I need to take a leak." Naruto walked off into the forest with a wave. "Don't go taking out enemy teams without me, okay?"

"Sure."

"We'll try."

For a while there was quiet in the camp.

"Did you notice that?" Sasuke piped up.

"How happy he looked at the slightest shred of respect?" Hinata confirmed.

"Uh-huh." Sasuke sighed. "Anyone with any manipulative intent could have him wrapped around their finger in a day."

"I won't let that happen." Hinata vowed.

Sasuke looked at her sidelong. "Out of curiosity, do you ever try to hide the fact that you're obsessed with him?"

She went red. "I..."

"Don't worry about it." Sasuke stretched. "Shame. I'll just have to tell my parents marrying you isn't really an option."

"They...you...what?"

That conversational time bomb was interrupted by Naruto's return.

"I'm back, guys." He waved. "Did I miss anything?"

"Not much." Sasuke stood and walked over to him. "You got anything to report?"

"While I was on the toilet? Sorry, nah." Naruto shrugged.

Sasuke smiled at him. There was an odd glint in it. "My bad, that wasn't what I meant. Let me rephrase." In a split second he had a hand grabbing Naruto by the lapels, a kunai held to his throat and both Sharingan active. "What are your teammates planning?" He asked, politely.

Naruto gulped, and his transformation technique dispelled. The grass ninja that replaced him, who Sasuke only recognised by headband, didn't look any less terrified. "I was meant to surprise attack you, then they would jump down and finish you off. We were then gonna hunt down your other partner together."

"These will be a squad that don't know all about our visual jutsu then." Hinata casually remarked, getting to her own feet in no hurry. "The other two are a hundred metres out, in the trees. Drop your new friend and follow me."

"Roger roger." Sasuke agreed. He looked back at his captive and grinned. "Sleep." The Sharingan assisted genjutsu, point blank against an afraid target, met nearly zero resistance. He crumpled in Sasuke's hands.

* * *

Naruto wandered back into the camp, and his two teammates hardly even looked up. "Sorry that took a while." He apologised. "I thought it was only a leak, but then it wasn't, and I needed to make a hole and, well, you don't wanna know."

"We really don't, no." Sasuke shuddered.

Naruto stopped when he reached the centre, looking down. "Uh, guys? Who are they?"

Sasuke glanced across at the three unconscious, tied up forms on the clearing floor. "Oh, them. Grass team. They attacked while you were out. Had another heaven scroll though, so we aren't out of the woods yet. Literally."

"And I would like to mention, we _did_ think about how you would be sad if we didn't include you." Hinata hurried to add. "But we only had a few seconds before they realised we'd taken out their first member, so...I'm sorry."

"S'fine." Naruto waved it off, stomaching his disappointment. "But as payment I'm not taking middle watch, I'll do first or last. Last time I had to wake up in the middle of the night then go _back_ to sleep was on the wave mission, and the day after was _horrible_."

"Actually." Hinata raised a hand. "We may not even have to do that." She straightened to a kneeling position and bit at her own finger, drawing blood.

"Uh, what?" Naruto looked at her sudden self harm with some concern.

She pulled a scroll of some sort out of one of her pouches, smeared the drop of blood to it and calmly stated "summoning jutsu." With a poof of smoke, there was suddenly a small animal in the clearing.

"Hello mistress!" The owl cooed, at a surprisingly high pitch. "What do you need?"

"Is that an animal summon?" Sasuke leaned in, impressed.

"Yes!" Said the owl. "I am Kudos of the owl clan. You are the mistress' teammates? It is a pleasure to meet you all!"

The way it emphasised the 'coo' in Kudos, Naruto knew that name had to have been deliberate. It was about the same size as a regular owl, but was not a normal colour. It's plumage was assorted shades of navy blue.

"Summoning technique?" Naruto had never heard of it before. "It lets you have a pet?"

"Not a pet." Hinata explained, as Kudos looked offended at the thought. "It lets you summon spirit creatures from whatever animal you have a summoning contract with. They may look real, but they're actually made entirely out of natural energy. The owls have been the signature family of the Hyuuga clan for generations, something about the big eyes and 360 vision must have seemed like a resemblance."

"The Uchiha don't have anything like that, but Itachi does have a thing for crows." Sasuke added. He eyed the bird critically. "She doesn't look much like a combat summon."

" _He_." Kudos replied, indignantly. "And no. My primary use is reconnaissance, patrolling and guarding."

"That's why you're here." Hinata addressed it directly. "Kudos, can you watch over us while we sleep? If anyone comes, or the people who are tied up wake up, give out a really loud screech, okay?"

"Absolutely!" Kudos responded. He stretched out an impressive wingspan for his size, and with a few beats climbed into the air, finding a perch up in the trees above them.

"Regular owls can see and hear things hundreds of metres away." Hinata explained. "Summoned ones are even better. We'll be safe without taking watch."

"That's awesome, Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed with his usual zeal. "You're the best! I'm almost tempted to join the Hyuuga clan just to get this summoning thing!"

The implications of _that_ sent Hinata into another blushing and coughing fit.

"There are other animals, Naruto." Sasuke sighed. "And as impressive as the technique is, couldn't Naruto just make a few shadow clones and have them take watch all night?"

Hinata blinked.

Kudos cooed above them.

"Right, we should probably do that too."

"I love you guys but sometimes I want to kill you both. Goodnight." Rolling his eyes, Sasuke crawled into his sleeping roll.

 ***chanting* "New Abilities! New Abilities! New Abilities! Yes, I know that officially there aren't any Owl summons, but if there's hawks snakes toads and slugs I don't see why there shouldn't be, especially with how well they fit with the Hyuuga. More on that next chapter. Now, let's see, what happens in the forest of death...oh. Oh.**


	15. Akatsuki's favourite fighting Snake-Man

**EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR AKATSUKI'S FAVOURITE FIGHTING SNAKE-MAN!**

* * *

 **Days before**

Hinata rolled the summoning contract out on her floor, and put a kunai to her finger. She smeared blood across the scroll, then put both hands to the paper, and channeled as much chakra as she could into it. "Summoning jutsu!"

With a poof of smoke, a tawny owl almost as tall as her appeared on top of the contract. It was facing away, but it's head made a full half turn to meet her eyes.

"And whooo." It asked, in an old voice. "Are youuu?"

"Hinata Hyuuga." She said, giving it a low bow. She knew full well that, with the amount of chakra she'd used to summon it, it might be able to do her serious bodily harm if she offended it.

"A Hyuuuuuga, hmm?" It didn't break eye contact. "Well, I can see that much. But youuu have not been officially sworn ontooo this contract, have youuu? Little girls should not go playing with scrolls that are not theirs." It turned its head away.

"Wait!" She cried. "I'm sorry, owl-sama, but there isn't anybody to sign me in."

It's head spun back around to her. "There is no need for 'sir's and 'sama's with me, young madame. Explain what you mean."

"Nobody can introduce me to the contract because there is nobody alive to do so." Hinata explained. "My family...the Hyuuga have all been killed."

"I see." It clicked its beak. "It is as we feared. I apologise for my ruuudeness, lady Hyuuuga. If I may, I would like to take you somewhere. My suuuperiors would like tooo know what youuu know."

"Where are we going?" She asked, wondering how to explain to her team if she went on a long trek.

"Youuu will not have tooo leave this rooom, miss Hinata. Reverse summoning one's summoner is uuusually only done once extreme trust has been placed in them, but on this occasion an exception must be made. Hold ontooo my wings."

Hesitantly, Hinata did as she was asked, burying her hands in the owl's plumage. It made a sound that might have been a cough. "I need tooo be airborne tooo uuuse juuutsuuu. Excuuuse me." It flapped its wings once, and put its claws together. Then there was light.

Hinata went from the closed curtains of her room to blinding sunlight in a split second, and the surprise was enough to make her let go of the owl in shock. That was a mistake, as she was in the air at the time. She began plummeting.

She screamed as her stomach went upwards into her throat and she fell, wind whipping at her clothes as her arms and legs pinwheeled. After a few seconds her inner ninja took over, and she straightened out her limps to maximise her surface area, putting on her Byakugan to better see where on earth she was. Turns out the answer may not have been 'on earth' at all.

She was so far above the ground she couldn't see it, which was bad, and even more confusingly there were giant rocks floating in the air.

She angled for a landing on one of the closer planetoids she could see, only to feel herself slow as the owl grabbed the back of her coat and brought her to a stop.

"Are all Hyuuuga so heavy?" It grumbled, flapping heavily.

"Where are we?" Hinata shouted, past the wind.

"The angel mountains!" It replied. "A place youu'll never find again! Now stop struggling, or I'll looose my grip!"

Eventually it dropped her off on one of the floating rocks, before diving off the side and leaving her to take in her surroundings. Now that she was alone, Hinata could see dozens of birds flying around the 'mountains'. The rocks themselves seemed like self contained biomes; some (like hers) were grassy, some had lakes or waterfalls. Others were forested on all sides, with trees growing downwards to the ground far below.

It was peaceful. Beautiful. And she could feel...something...tickling her skin. It felt almost like the chakra signatures she could pick up from powerful ninja, but her Byakugan couldn't detect anything.

"Natural energy." A voice boomed from behind her. "It is invisible to your eyes. The greatest weakness of your clan is that you fear to blind yourselves, and thus there are many things you do not see."

Hinata turned around and jumped out of her skin.

Facing her were a pair of eyes, each almost as big as her. Their gaze pierced her, and it felt like it could see everything she was and ever had been. It's plumage was a shimmering navy blue. And the eyes, well, there was no other way to say it. They looked like Byakugan.

"My Dojutsu can't see you." Was all she could think to say.

The giant owl leaned backwards. It was stood on a much larger rock at lower elevation. With a better look, it seemed oddly anthropomorphic, humanoid. A bow taller than the Hokage tower was slung over its back, and a scar cut across its beak. "We are not flesh and blood, like you are." It explained. "We are made entirely of senjutsu chakra, and invisible to most dojutsu. Our ability to spot each other sage creatures is, I believe, one of the main reasons the Hyuuga bonded with us." It inclined its head in what might have been a bow. "I am Athena. Matriarch of the Owls."

Hinata went into a full kowtow. "Hinata Hyuuga. It is an honour."

"Hmm." Athena replied. "You would be Hiashi's daughter then. I never met the man, he rarely summoned my brood, but I have learned much of you from my brother."

"Your brother?" Hinata asked.

Athena pointed with one wing. In the distance, squinting with her regular eyes, Hinata could see another owl that must have been at least as large as the one she was talking to. It's head turned to look at her, but quickly turned back away.

"Icarus. He and his immediate family serve your half brother, Neji. He spoke of you often."

Hinata clenched her fists. She began stalking towards the distant figure on reflex before Athena put a wing up in her way. "Peace. You would never reach him anyway, he flies faster than I can."

"Neji is branch family. He isn't supposed to have owl summons." She grit her teeth.

"I suspect Neji does a great many things he is not supposed to do." Athena replied, wryly. "Now please, explain. What has befallen your family? Why have none but your half brother summoned us in five years?"

Hinata took in a deep breath to calm herself. Then she explained what Neji had done.

It took a few minutes, and partway through Athena had turned to look at Icarus in the distance.

"I see." She said, when Hinata had finished. "And what do you intend to do?"

"Kill him."

"That...may be unwise."

"How?" She asked, arms spread. "He killed my family!"

"Do you know why?" Athena pressed.

"What reason would there be?"

"People always have a reason for their actions. If there is no reason; then it is madness."

"Then he must be mad!" Hinata concluded.

Athena shook her head. "My brother would not betray us all for a madman. But he will not explain why he follows Neji. When I pressed him, he gave me this." She brought a wing up to her scarred beak. "We owls are not perfect. But we do try to be wise. If Icarus comes to Neji's aid, it is because he agrees with what he did."

"Do you?" Hinata challenged.

"As I said." Athena replied. "We are not perfect. Knowing what you know, I cannot discern what might make Neji's actions right. If I conclude they were wrong, then I will go and beat some sense into my brother. But not before I understand fully."

"So what do you _want_ then?" Hinata tried not to sulk.

"I will allow you to sign the summoning contract with my family." Decided Athena. "Properly. On the condition that, when you find Neji, you make him explain his reasons. If you believe after you understand his motive that he still deserves death, then make it so. But not before."

Hinata thought about it. Athena had a point. She wanted justice, as much as vengeance. And she could not make that ruling on false information. "I agree."

* * *

 **Present day**

"Look out! There's a spider!"

"I see it. Don't worry, it's not a big deal."

"Got it mistress!"

Kudos had decided to keep following them the next day, because apparently their adventure through the woods was 'way more interesting than flying around the mountains all day!'. They were hours into the new day, after leaving the grass ninja tied up in their old camp, but had yet to see anyone. That had not stopped Kudos. Naruto's shadow clones had had to explain to him that he didn't have to wake up team seven _every time_ he spotted a scorpion on a tree a hundred metres away. Now they were awake, however, he saw no reason not to warn them about everything he noticed.

"I spy a hostile genin!" Hinata called out, bringing the four to a stop. Her Byakugan range was greater than Kudos'.

"Woo baby here we go." Naruto grinned.

"Hidden grass. Three hundred metres ahead, and closing." Hinata continued. "I can't see his teammates, so he might be alone or it might be a trap."

"Is he heaven or earth?" Sasuke asked.

"That team was earth." Hinata replied, victoriously.

"Yes! Lets sic him! We can get to the centre days before the deadline at this rate." Naruto started stretching his arms in preparation.

"Patience, Naruto." Sasuke cautioned. "God I sound old...any fight we get into that's fair is a fight where we're taking unnecessary risks. I vote we send a clone of you in alone first to make him think-"

"Snake!" Shouted Kudos. "One hundred metres, getting closer fast!"

"Kudos." Naruto sighed. "Please, stop warning us about the natural wildlife-"

"Wait." Hinata held a hand up. "Snake? I can't see a snake."

"No, big snake!" Kudos was actually panicking. "Very big snake!"

Soon team seven didn't need bat-vision. They could hear the cracking sound of trunks snapping like matchsticks.

"What the-oh no." Hinata blanched. "Sage creature! MOVE!"

The trio scattered as the trees in front of them parted and an absolutely massive snake crashed into their position, opening wide its jaws and snapping up Kudos in one mouthful.

"Sweet merciful Kami what the fuck?" Sasuke landed nearby and flung a brace of kunai, they scattered off the monster's scales.

"Did Kudos just die?" Naruto asked as the snake turned it's eyes on him.

"They desummon when they take too much damage, he'll be traumatised but fine." Hinata explained.

The snake lunged at them again. They separated, jumping off in different directions, but it swung its tail and caught Naruto in midair, slamming him into a nearby tree which he magnetised to with his feet. Water walking training hadn't been for nothing. "So all we need to do is damage it?"

"Enough to kill it, yes!" She replied, as Sasuke launched a fireball at the beast. "But that's a lot of damage! No genin should be able to summon anything this big!"

"If you're such an expert," Sasuke called to her, watching the snake shake off his fireball without much effort. "Then what do we do?"

""Run!" Hinata told them. "Definitely run!"

"Oh I wouldn't do that." Came a perfectly calm, silky smooth voice. "Even if it isn't faster than you, _I_ certainly am."

They looked up. A genin was stood on a branch, far above them. The snake moved back to curl up beneath him, eyeing its prey.

"Is it me or does it look hungry?" Naruto stage whispered.

"The ninja or the snake?" Sasuke returned.

"Yes."

"Who are you?" Hinata called out to him, analysing his chakra network. It was much more developed than any genin's should be.

"An interested party." The man replied, with a smile. "I'm looking for someone willing to betray everyone they love for power. Any takers?"

"You really need to work on your sales pitch, buddy." Sasuke replied, activating his Sharingan.

"Alas, I admit; my people's skills do need some work." Sighed the man. "Most of the people who work for me are already crazy, so they're a lot easier to deal with. But if words won't move you..." His tongue snaked out to lick his lips, then extended faaar longer than it should have been able to. "Then I'll just have to give you a _taste_."

He looked left and downwards. "No, that doesn't work, i'm the one doing the tasting. Sorry, I'm only so good at the whole one liners thing, that was always Jiraiya's-You know what, I'm going to bite you, that's what's going on, okay?"

He gestured, and the snake darted towards them again.

* * *

Somehow, Naruto had ended up fighting big toothy. If he thought about it, his teammates had probably organised that deliberately because they both had nothing to deal with the monster (good luck using rotation on something bigger than a house) but he didn't have time to think about it right now because a _giant snake was trying to eat him_.

"Multi shadow clone jutsu!" He called, summoning one or two hundred more of himself, and all of him launched at the snake. Their combined momentum was actually enough to force it back, but rather than injuring it that just sent it into a writhing mess that squashed a good lot of the clones before they hit the floor. Those that survived clung to it tenaciously, trying to pry knives and shuriken between its scales.

"The eyes!" He heard Sasuke's voice call out. Immediately, some of his clones jumped for big toothy's face and started stabbing. The snake was clearly an experienced summon; it responded to the threat of ninja on its nose by, quite sensibly, grinding the top of its face into the dirt and dispelling or shaking off all the attackers.

From his left, he heard what had to be Hinata screaming.

Naruto grimaced. He could feel the kyuubi stirring inside his abdomen but he tried to suppress it, fearing what would happen to his allies if he let it loose. He needed a better way. Time to start using that A-rank pay then.

He summoned another two shadow clones and reached into one of the larger pouches in his jacket. This was where he kept his explosive tags. Instead of tearing one off the strip, he unrolled the whole thing. _If this doesn't work..._

The clones grabbed the roll by either end and charged forwards. Big toothy was squashing all the other Naruto on it, however, and saw the attackers coming. With its tail, it flicked both out of the air, dispelling them. The explosive toilet role (trademark) fluttered to the floor behind the snake, which began to slither rapidly towards Naruto's location, hissing angrily.

Naruto considered using another barrage of shadow clones to push it back, but decided he needed a bit more concussive force. He put his hands together.

"Multi shadow clone jutsu!" Then all of his duplicates ran through the only complicated set of hand seals he'd memorised. "Buffeting wind jutsu!"

The maximum chakra Naruto could put into the C-rank jutsu, times about fifty, erupted a miniature hurricane in the forest. Smaller trees were uprooted, full size ones buckled and cracked. Big toothy was thrown, writhing, backwards along its path, falling in a heap on top of the explosive toilet roll. Naruto staggered backwards on his tree trunk, gasping. _So this is what chakra exhaustion feels like._

Grimacing, he dispelled all of his remaining clones to recover the remnants of their chakra, and put his hands into the remote activation sign. Fifty explosive tags detonated right under big toothy with a massive boom.

A cloud of smoke obscured Naruto's vision and he didn't have the chakra to clear it, collapsing backwards against the tree trunk taking in ragged breaths. He could still hear sounds of fighting and he looked sideways, trying to catch a glimpse of his teammates. That's when big toothy erupted from the smoke in front of him. Bruised, with a bloodied patch of missing scales, it was nonetheless both alive and angry, and it was charging full speed at him. He tried to jump away but his chakra control was shot, and all he managed was to limply throw himself off his branch and began falling. The snake, despite his best efforts, still had perfectly functional eyes. It's head lunged out, and it's jaws closed around him with a snap.

* * *

 **About a minute earlier**

Sasuke and Hinata charged. Their target raised his eyebrow.

Sasuke went in left, flinging one kunai at his head and swinging another to his knee. Hinata went right, she made a jyuuken strike towards his chest.

And then something happened, and they were both flung backwards.

"Try harder." The man incentivised. "Hickey prizes only go to genin who put the effort in. Bonus victory; abandonment of teammates for rage or personal gain."

The pair glared at him, and ran back in.

The following fight was epic, dramatic, and incredibly well choreographed, if the author had been bothered to describe it.

Sasuke wasn't ashamed to admit that Hinata was the greatest at taijutsu in their whole graduating class (not counting what Rock Lee could do when he started opening gates. Sasuke had seen that once, and wasn't looking forward to taking it on in the exams.) Sasuke himself, thanks to rigorous training with the aforementioned two and also goddamn Itachi, was no slouch either. But this ninja was keeping up with them easily. He moved just fast enough to block or dodge everything they threw at him, and no faster, occasionally throwing out non-lethal strikes of his own to check if they were paying attention. This terrified Sasuke, because in the moments he had to think, he was amazed by his own performance. He had spent hours being taught (on principle) how the Sharingan performed against the Byakugan, but nobody had thought to inform him how well they worked _together_. Communication was unnecessary; she could see everything he did, and could act on his second-to-second plans without any prompting. On his end, time spent watching her fight with the Sharingan let him perfectly set up situations where she would be best suited to attack.

It was this nigh impeccable teamwork that made it possible to tag the hostile ninja. The end of some razor wire, passed from Hinata to Sasuke during a period of swapping hands with their opponent, was wrapped around the hilt of his kunai and thrown. The ninja dodged left. Then Hinata threw the knife on her end to _his_ left. The ninja grabbed and caught the wire before it reached him, but he didn't have a blade like Kakashi had, and as the kunai looped round to each other he was practically immobilised. By the time he had repelled Hinata's further palm strikes and brought both hands up to snap the wire, Sasuke had already completed the hand seals for the great fireball. The grass man was bathed in fire.

"Do you know any other attack jutsu?" Hinata grumbled, moving back to his position.

"Do you know any attack jutsu at all?" He shot back, then shouted to his left "The eyes!" As a hint to Naruto.

The fire blew out, and the sight it left behind was horrific. The man's skin had been charred and blistered, his clothes in tatters. And then he...sighed?

"Good, I'll give you that." He admitted. "But troublesome."

"Shikimaru?" Sasuke asked on impulse.

"Nope." Said the man. He brought a finger with a worryingly sharp nail to his skin, then, to the disgust of the genin watching, tore the top layer of his skin off.

The completely unharmed form underneath had skin pale as snow, long black hair, and golden eyes with slitted irises.

"Oh no." Mumbled Sasuke.

"Oh yes." Hissed Orochimaru.

 _Fuck. FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK._

 _We need to get out of here now. Maybe we can distract him with shadow clones long enough to get Naruto and get the fuck out. Hinata's gotta be on the same page, anyone with a modicum of sensible threat assessment would-_

 _Oh._

 _Oh no._

His Sharingan tracked Hinata, in full 'avenge-my-clan' mode, sprinting straight at the S-class missing-nin at top speed.

By the time he started moving to back her up, she was already in front of Orochimaru.

"Eight trigrams!" She shouted. "Sixty four P-ugh!"

Orochimaru grabbed her by the throat and lifted her up. "Shout the technique name during the technique." He tutted. "Your cousin managed _that_ much at least."

Hinata's eyes widened. Orochimaru grinned, "Oh yes, I've had more than my fair share of encounters with Neji. Lovely boy, pretty eyes. Oh, and that was the abandonment of teammates clause. Ding ding!" He sunk his teeth into her neck. She let out an ear piercing scream. Sasuke was there in a second but Orochimaru was apparently already finished, throwing her limp form at him to catch.

He did so, jumping immediately back out of range (he hoped) and setting her down. That was when he looked to check how Naruto was doing, just in time to watch him get eaten by a giant snake.

"Naruto!" He shouted, voice hoarse, but it only served to attract the attention of the snake, which turned its head to him with a smug fucking expression on its face.

Watching his blond best friend die _again_ , with his other teammate in god knows what condition by his feet, was enough to make Sasuke snap.

A second tomoe came to life in his eyes.

He blasted towards Orochimaru, witnessing everything in greater detail, seeing everything at a faster rate, curling up his fist with a wordless cry of rage. He maintained a merciless barrage for six seconds straight before Orochimaru's neck stretched out, wrapping around Sasuke's body and freezing him in place.

"Well well." Chuckled the snake sannin's head from behind Sasuke's shoulder. "I only wanted one, but with a development like _that_ how can I resist? Reckless abandonment of your teammates, Sasuke. Ding ding!" He bit into the genin.

The pain Sasuke felt was...indescribable. It was like the man's fangs were injecting lava into his veins that spread across more of his body with every passing second. He howled into the trees.

* * *

Even from within big toothy's mouth, Naruto heard that shout. Now both his teammates were, at the very least, in incredible pain.

 _Fine_. He told the ball of hatred in his stomach. _Do your worst_.

And the rage exploded. He put his arms to the top of the snake's mouth and heaved, forcing its jaw open. Snarling, he jumped out the exit provided, grabbing the tip of the snake's nose, demanding the kyuubi to give him even more strength, more more _more_ -

The kyuubi provided. Red aura burning around him, he lifted the entire mass of the monster and flung it over his head, making it slam on its back on top of a cracked tree trunk, impaling it and probably breaking its spine in multiple places. It desummoned. Naruto smelled Sasuke before he saw him and was upon his location in moments, launching a wave of killing intent at his adversary. Orochimaru met that wave, and smiled. "Well hello you."

He unwrapped himself from Sasuke. "I hope you don't mind me doing my thing with your friend here. Unless, wait, were you two a couple, maybe?"

" **I'm going to tear you to fucking pieces**." Naruto growled.

"I'm going to take that as a yes." Orochimaru hurled Sasuke to the floor some distance away. Naruto, desperately trying to quell the primal rage he was feeling, briefly considered launching himself at the snake sannin, but he eventually settled for darting across to Sasuke's unconscious form, standing over it protectively and baring his teeth.

"So the kyuubi has more self control than his two teammates, will wonders never cease." Orochimaru chuckled. "How cute. Well then, I'll be off. You three take care~" Naruto blinked, and Orochimaru was gone. Taking a few deep breaths, he quelled the red chakra flowing through his system. He nearly passed out from his troubles; the kyuubi had been almost single handedly fueling his body. But through considerable force of will, he was able to crouch down next to his partner without collapsing. "Sasuke? Are you ok?"

The obviously suffering Uchiha cracked open an eye. "Naruto. Is he..."

"He's gone." Naruto breathed, "Are you...do you..."

He could hardly ask 'are you okay'.

"You...suplexed...a hundred metre snake." Came Sasuke's response. He hacked and coughed, and Naruto realised he was laughing. "You...you absolute fucking madman...heh..." his eye closed and he slumped. Naruto checked his pulse but he was definitely alive, the way he shook, tossed and turned was a bit of a giveaway. Naruto grimaced and stood. He knew damn well they wouldn't let him hear the end of it if he forfeit. So, he had to pass the exam. With his two unconscious and suffering and potentially all sorts of messed up teammates. While he only had one of the required scrolls. When he couldn't even afford to make a single shadow clone without knocking himself out.

 _Backbone of the team, Naruto. Come on._

Sighing, he reached down and pulled Sasuke over one shoulder, winced, and went looking for Hinata.

* * *

 **Wooo boy that was fun. I really considered changing things up further and making Tsunade the bad one, with Orochimaru being the guy they go to to be the new Hokage, but he's just so _good_ at being evil. And yes, both Sasuke and Hinata get cursemarks. Who abandons the village? Do either? Do _both_? Who knows? Me. I know. And I'm not telling. **


	16. Sound, It Hertz

Sound. It Hertz.

Pain. That was what woke her up. It was a constant, throbbing agony that occasionally spiked and pulled her out of the unconscious. Usually she just shuffled and fell back into her slumber, but this time she refused, trying to get an arm under her and open her eyes. That hurt, but everything else already hurt, so she ignored it.

"Hinata?" Came a voice. It was a lovely voice. She looked up and spotted a flash of yellow.

"Naruto." She breathed, relieved.

"Crap, hold on." Naruto shuffled around, then held something out to her. "Drink."

She acquiesced, because it was Naruto. Whatever it was tasted like ash, but she gulped down as much as she could, coughing up a little at the end.

"How...how long?" She gasped.

"Bout three days?" Naruto replied, tentatively. "It's the middle of the night. Sasuke's been up twice, this is your first time. We're in a cave somewhere in the forest, and the exams are still on. Here, eat."

She complied. "It's cold." She mumbled around whatever he had just fed her.

"Couldn't risk a fire." He apologised. "Tomorrow, maybe, but I've spent the last day recovering from the fight, I couldn't get into a three-vs-one."

Well, that was problematic. Hinata tried to think, and came up with a very elegant solution. She crawled over and collapsed on his lap.

"Uh..."

"Warm." She explained, snuggling closer. The pain eased, just a little bit.

Naruto sighed. "Great, you're crazy too. Sasuke started mumbling about an alternate world where his brother turned evil and left the village, then he confused me with his brother and tried to kill me. But he still pretty much couldn't move, swore vengeance...it was awkward."

Hinata tried to run that through her head.

"You don't like me being here?"

"No, no, you do you." He replied, shifting underneath her.

"You hate me." She started crying.

"No, no, I don't, you're great!"

"You should." She sniffed. "I betrayed you."

"In the same was as Itachi joined some terrorists?" Naruto laughed. "Sure." She loved his laugh.

"No." She shook her head, which had the side effect of wiping her face all over his shirt. "In the written exam. I was going to ruin it all."

"You were?" He asked.

"Mmhmm." She nodded. "I was going to forfeit the exam."

"Oh yeah?" Naruto still didn't sound convinced. "Why was that?"

"I though you were going to fail the last question and get banned from becoming chunin." She explained. Now he thought she was a horrible traitor who was horrible, so she may as well tell him everything. "I was going to forfeit to keep us all back a year. I was going to betray you all."

"...but you didn't."

"But I _thought_ it!"

"Hinata." Naruto sighed. Tentatively, he put a hand on her head. "It's okay. In the end you didn't stop us, and even if you did, it was because you cared about us, right?"

"I guess." Hinata mumbled. Had she been fully awake she would have been freaking out right now, but as was she just thought Naruto made a very comfortable pillow.

"Then there's nothing to worry about. I forgive you, and Sasuke will too." He absently started stroking her hair.

Hinata purred, which made him pause for a moment before continuing. "I'm also sorry I went and attacked the snake man and got Sasuke hurt." She felt like adding, to make the slate clean.

"That's...a little worse."

" _Nooooooo_..."

"But it's okay!" He reassured quickly. "Just...don't do it again, okay?"

"Okay." She nodded. Comfortable, she promptly fell back to sleep.

* * *

Once again, Naruto smelled the attack coming before he saw it. He was pretty sure this was another sign of the demon fox trying to take over and kill everyone he loved, but this once he was thankful for it. He slowly shifted Hinata off himself and stood, stretching his arms and cracking his neck. When the three genin dressed in black and grey dropped down outside the cave mouth, Naruto was stood there in front of them. If he'd had a mirror, he would have noticed that his eyes were red, and his whiskers a little more pronounced than usual.

"You're the team from hidden sound, right?" He greeted, keeping his voice cordial. "Uzumaki Naruto. How's your day?"

"Dosu." Greeted the lead ninja. "And pretty good, pretty good. Just come across some easy prey, so mood seems to be on the up and up."

"Fair enough." Naruto shrugged. He gestured into the cave behind him, pointing at one of the satchels. "You're an earth team, right? We have a heaven scroll. We aren't in much shape to fight."

They had two, actually, theirs and the one from the grass team that had tried to ambush them. He'd give both away if he had to, but he didn't plan to give up on passing just yet.

"What's to stop us from just taking it and eliminating you as a threat?" Tested one of them, a girl.

Naruto laughed easily. _Wow, acting on point today._

"Do we look in much position to cause a threat? Well, maybe I have twenty shadow clones hidden in the forest. Who knows?"

"You don't have the chakra to summon twenty shadow clones." Laughed the other boy in the group.

"The point is." Naruto continued. "Either you can take the heaven scroll, beat the exam in another hour and go take a nap, or you try to beat up me, probably succeed, but risk getting one or more of your members injured in the process. And I should probably warn you there's an S-class missing-nin wandering around the forest."

"We know."

"And-what?"

"We know." Dosu shrugged. "Orochimaru. He's our boss."

Naruto paled and the sound ninja laughed. "I'll admit, if I'd been after your scroll you would have convinced me. But I'm here for your two teammates."

The fox stirred again. "Well you can tell your boss," Naruto grit his teeth. "That they both refuse his invitation."

"Oh I'm not bringing them to him." Dosu waved his hand dismissively. "You think we want our master to have some new favourite pets? It's bad enough with Kimimaro and the sound four. No, we're going to kill them both."

"This has been a rollercoaster of a conversation, but still no." Naruto summarised.

"Alright then." Dosu shrugged. "I was going to offer you a chance to ditch them both and live, actually."

"Those who fail their missions are scum." Naruto quoted. "But those who abandon their teammates are worse than scum."

"Have it your way." Dosu replied. "Zaku, sicc him."

The other male pointed his arms, but Naruto was already moving. A direct, visible threat for the three to focus on, that's what he was. Perfect for distracting them from the twenty shadow clones (which were about the most he could create at the moment) that _were_ really there, and bombarded the trio with kunai. The sound trio vanished before he could reach them, and in the split second it took him to realise what 'vanished' entailed he already began to get the memories of shadow clones popping. Then there was a boom from the trees and a sonic blast ripped towards him, catching him in the stomach and launching him back towards the cave. Zaku walked out.

"You used clones to spring my trap." Naruto muttered.

"We're sound ninja. Your clones aren't that quiet. And I'll be killing you while my team is killing them." Laughed Zaku. He pointed his wrists at Naruto again. "See these? These gauntlets fire compressed sound waves of pure concussive force."

"Why would you explain what they do?" Naruto asked, confused.

"For drama, of course!" Zaku explained. He fired. Naruto ran forwards, got caught up in the blast, and thrown backwards again, but by then he had completed his hand seals. The substitution technique swapped him with a kunai behind Zaku, and he turned and punched him in the back. Zaku went sprawling. He went running after him, ready to slam his head into the floor and put him out of the fight, but another grey ninja appeared in front of him. "Not so fast." Sneered the girl. The following taijutsu spar was fast paced and vicious, Naruto forgoing his usual morals and her having none in the first place. She was agile, launching quick jabs and sweeps, but Naruto was used to fighting _Hinata_. Finally engaging a speed-type who wouldn't disable him with a single hit, he took one punch to the shoulder in order to get his arms around her and squeeze, making her cry out in pain, then tackle her to the floor. He punched at her face but Zaku fired a sonic blast from the floor, hurling him off his injured teammate.

Annoyed, Naruto put his hands together and summoned a new cohort of shadow clones, one of which grabbed his arm and flung him back at the girl. Dosu intercepted him, catching his flying kick on an arm brace and knocking him back. "How many can he make?" The girl asked.

"As many as he needs." Dosu growled. "He gets the chakra back every time we dispel them. Zaku? Get up. Kin, stop time-wasting." He pointed his bracer. "My turn."

A high pitched screech shot out of it. Naruto fell to the ground in pain, ears actually bleeding. The kyuubi chakra bleeding out to improve his animal senses made this attack even more debilitating than usual, and he was practically defenceless as Kin ran towards him. She did not expect to be clotheslined. Naruto's shadow clones gangpiled her, brutally kicking and punching only to be disintegrated by Zaku's arm cannons. "The fuck is this? Why aren't the clones in pain?" He fired in arcs, disintegrating them all, but not before three had jumped Dosu, bludgeoning his metal gauntlets with reckless abandon that would make any real person's knuckles bleed.

"Who cares about pain!" One shouted.

"We do our job!" Yelled another. Dosu's gauntlets buckled, and the noise stopped. Naruto shook his head, grinned, and attempted to make the shadow clone hand seal, but had to dart away from a kunai thrown by a bleeding and bruised Kin. She didn't have the time to throw a second, and his fingers formed the seals. The bell on her first kunai jingled. His new group attacked, and the battlefield became a chaotic mess of fistfighting. Naruto realised something was wrong when he smacked Dosu full in the face, only for him to poof into smoke. _Then_ Naruto received the memories of Dosu punching _him_ in the face. He put it together. "Genjutsu!" He cursed. Now he was clearly clued in, his opposition cut the subtlety. His vision became distorted and strangely coloured, the terrain lurching beneath his feet. He then began getting the memories of shadow clones attacking each other, all mistaking each other for their mutual opponents. That confusing mess sent him to his knees, hands cradling his head as he growled to himself.

"Aww, looks like this one works on the shadow clones." Laughed one of the Zaku.

Kakashi had drilled them on Genjutsu. Naturally Naruto's poor chakra control made him useless at it, but Kakashi had taught him the defences. You had two options, identify and pick apart the opponents illusion with your own skills (nope) or perform a basic dispelling technique (more like it) that removed outside influences through a brute force chakra overload of your own systems. Not that he could be sure that would work, and there was no way to know how they had cast the technique or if they could just do it again-

The red chakra rose, uncoiling itself within Naruto's belly, and he viciously clamped down on it, trying to keep a clear head. His friends were in danger, dammit. _Save Sasuke. Save Hinata. Save Sasuke, Save Hinata._ Repeating the phrase like a mantra brought a degree of order back to his thoughts, even as his last few clones were executed. With that clarity came his answer. _Sound based ninja. The Bells._ Closing his eyes and shutting out his ears, Naruto rose to his feet and performed the shadow clone technique. A kunai took him in the shoulder, likely in an attempt to disrupt him. He ignored it. Three clones appeared around him, and as one, he and they moved to face four different directions. "Buffeting wind jutsu!"

The gust blasted through the forest. One of the four managed to hit the bell and it began ringing loudly, disrupting the Genjutsu somewhat and revealing its location. One clone substituted with it, and another grabbed it and crushed it in its fingers. The illusion stopped altogether. Naruto opened his eyes and looked back at the sound trio, who looked like they were quickly reappraising their threat assessment of him.

"So, did you set up more traps while I was disabled, or did you keep wasting your time?" He asked.

"Wanna come find out?" Kin taunted.

Naruto bared his teeth.

He sent in his shadow clones first, and it turned out team Dosu _had_ set up a few razor traps while hiding from his wind attack. They took out a few clones, and the rest continued on, undeterred. After that, it was only a matter of time. Even in his diminished state, he had more chakra than any one of the trio. They knew all his tricks, as he knew all of theirs, but they didn't have an adequate _counter_ to his. Dosu's gauntlets were busted and the clones were careful not to let any of Kin's kunai go unintercepted. Zaku's sound blasts were still effective, but shadow clones could just be replaced, and Naruto himself just grew more angry every time he was caught by it. Team Dosu hadn't realised they were one-trick-ponies until that moment, and now they were caught in a taijutsu brawl against an unlimited number of opponents.

Dosu himself saw which way the winds were blowing, and when he saw something from within Naruto's cave he seemed to decide that he had had enough. "Zaku! Breathing room!" He yelled, and did something with his gauntlet. The damaged machine exploded, letting out a screech of even greater intensity than before that elicited a similar howl from Naruto. Zaku fired his gauntlets in an arc and cleared out most of the clones, and while the few remaining stopped their assault to make more, the trio jumped backwards and fled into the trees. That was when Naruto took the time to yank the kunai out of his shoulder.

It bled.

He ignored it.

He wanted to chase after them but he remembered there was some reason he was supposed to stay in the cave...oh right, his teammates. There they were though, on their feet and ready to go. Both Sasuke and Hinata had strange black markings spreading from their necks out across their bodies. Both had dojutsu active.

"Who." Sasuke asked, tone flat.

"The sound team." Naruto shot back. "Orochimaru's guys."

"Then lets go get them." Hinata proposed, stretching her arms out and looking into the middle distance.

Naruto made a feral smile.

* * *

A pack of animals ran through the forest. At their head, a demon fox, the other two no less dangerous and no less ferocious. One's eyes could see their prey through the trees, one's nose could smell them from anywhere in the forest.

Team Dosu never stood a chance.

Naruto hit Zaku in the back with a double kick that sent him flying into a nearby tree, while Sasuke came up on his left and caught Dosu by the ankle, promptly throwing him through a branch with enough force to snap it in two. That is, snap the ankle, then the branch. Hinata appeared in front of Kin and struck her with the sixty four palms before she could even make a fighting stance. The girl fell, limp, to the forest floor. Zaku hit the ground next to her not much later, and Sasuke carried his prey down by the throat, walking Dosu slowly towards his teammates before throwing him limply at them.

"That's everyone." Sasuke said, breezily. "What do you want to do? I could fireball all three no problem, but if you have one in particular you want to gut you go right ahead."

Naruto considered it, then frowned. There was something wrong with this. He tried to figure out what was bothering him. It wasn't the teamwork, he always liked teamwork, had he made any tactical errors? Not that he had noticed...did he have a problem with killing them for some reason?

Oh.

Oh.

OH.

 _When, exactly, did I lose control of the kyuubi chakra?_

He could almost hear the fox laughing darkly as the red light fled his eyes and his body stopped blocking out all the pain he was in.

"The earth scroll." He told Dosu, trying not to let his pain show. Maybe it was the two cursed ninja flanking him, but they didn't spot it. "Give us the scroll, then get out of here."

"I knew we forgot something." Sasuke sighed.

Dosu nodded silently, one visible eye very wide, as he fished out a black scroll and tossed it forwards. Naruto caught it, as Dosu and a very injured Zaku picked up the paralysed Kin and ran again.

"You want to chase them down again?" Hinata moaned at his side. "It's getting _boring_."

"Hinata." He walked up to her, desperately. "You're not yourself."

"I'm fine." She waved a hand dismissively. She was not fine. The symbol on her neck was pulsing red, and the black markings on her skin were shifting angrily.

"Hinata, we don't kill people."

"We don't?"

"Hinata, dammit, remember this morning? Last night?" Naruto tried to think of what would snap her out of it. "We were talking and you were, well, pretty much drunk and then you climbed on top of me and-"

Hinata's eyes widened. The curse mark warred with a much greater force, her own embarrasment, and was defeated, the black marks glowing red and receeding back within the original spiral on her neck.

"That was," she stammered. "We were just...wha..." she fell unconscious on the floor.

Naruto turned to Sasuke, similarly afflicted, who seemed to be dealing with his problems on his own. Now the battle was over and his bloodlust was quieting down, his own markings were disappearing from his skin. "Naruto? What the fuck just happened?"

"You got a hickey from a snake dude and turned evil for a moment- _don't_ pass out I am _not_ carrying you both again!" Naruto caught Sasuke as he fell, but the latter waved a hand dismissively and was able to get to his feet. "I'm fine, I'm fine, fuck I'm not fine oww that hurts." He grimaced. "Does this thing only stop hurting when I turn evil? Because that's some solid motivation right there."

Naruto started massaging his temples. "Dammit, Kakashi said this would be _less_ stressful than the deadly mist jonin. Can you help carry?"

"I'll be lucky if I don't need carrying." Sasuke grumbled. He eyed Hinata suspiciously. "She enjoyed that violence way too much."

"You weren't very saintly either." Naruto cautioned. "Alright, shadow clones it is then. Hey, smile!"

"Why?"

"We got the earth scroll!" Naruto waved it in the air. "Unless someone else attacks us with murderous intent, I think we just passed round two!"

Sasuke sniffed at that and looked at the sky. "Well, we're still pretty far out from the centre. And we've only got, what, two hours?"

"I thought we had another day?"

"Midday on the fifth day, Naruto. We have two hours."

Naruto blanched. "Right, two hours, shadow clones, go. Go!"

* * *

 **Fluff! Edge! Combat! Comedy! Or, FECC, as I like to exclaim. The most important elements of any good Naruto fanfiction. Yes, I do think this Naruto could solo team Dosu, especially if he was tapping the Kyuubi and _especially_ if he was fighting to protect his friends. This was a bit of a demonstration of his abilities in this story, and an opportunity for some more Hinata character development. I love it far too much. Next chapter we finally, _FINALLY,_ get onto the chunin exam fights. And I'm excited. Oh boy am I excited.**


	17. This System makes No Sense

This System makes No Sense

* * *

"Congratulations, Naruto! I knew you could-holy _hell_ what happened to you?"

"Do we pass or not?" Growled Naruto, throwing the two scrolls to the ground in disgust.

"Because if the answer is 'not', then the Uchiha clan just might be launching a coup sometime in the future." Sasuke grouched.

"And if murdering that snake-whore Anko is an optional victory condition, we would _love_ to take it." Hinata grumbled.

Umino Iruka looked at the genin trio in mute horror. Naruto's clothing was torn to shreds, and while he had no visible wounds he looked completely exhausted. Both Hinata and Sasuke had strange black marks on their necks and were cut up and bruised, and both winced on occasion as through they were in incredible pain. All three were red in the face and panting.

"What were you all up to in there?" Iruka finally found his voice. "You were ten minutes from failing!"

"What were we up to? Oh, I don't know." Said a slightly hysterical Naruto. "Is this after we got attacked by the snake sannin? After Sasuke and Hinata got cursed and ended up in a coma for most of the exam? After I had to fight the Sound team, _solo_ , then stop my crazy teammates from killing said Sound team? After we, in our mad dash for the central tower, had to dodge past the ridiculous melee of all the teams who hadn't gotten all their scrolls yet? YoU're GonnA HavE to be MOrE sPEcIfiC IRUKA!"

Naruto stood there panting for a bit.

"...what?" Iruka accurately surmised.

"I'm sorry Iruka but this is probably above your clearance, and if you keep them talking much longer they're gonna miss the preliminaries." Kakashi appeared next to Iruka, grabbed his students, and all three promptly vanished in a leaf flurry.

* * *

The four ended up in an abandoned room of the tower. Bursting in five seconds later was Uchiha Itachi, similarly red in the face and looking genuinely unsettled.

"You saw Orochi-fucking- _Maru_?" Asked the genius. "Extrapolate. Now."

They spent a few minutes going over a brief account of what had happened in the forest, and then Kakashi went over the seals on their necks mumbling worriedly to himself.

"Fuck." Itachi growled. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck_."

"He's who you got it from, huh?" Naruto side-eyed Sasuke.

"Uh-huh." The younger Uchiha nodded.

"This is bad. I asked to be on team seven's overwatch, I _asked_ , but they told me I was 'too attached', dense _shits_."

"Overwatch?" Hinata asked.

"Each genin team had a jonin or chunin watching over them. They were supposed to bail them out if they were going to die, and incapacitate them if they opened their scrolls early." Kakashi explained.

"Then we found four jonin-Jonin!-hadn't called in and by the time we found them both _dead_ nobody knew where you were and they wouldn't let me go look for you because 'test conditions'. Whole damn exam should have been called off." Itachi was still complaining.

"Thirty seconds until roll is called in the centre arena." Kakashi pointed out.

"Right." Itachi growled. "Kakashi, see what you can do about the seals. Naruto-"

He grabbed his arm. There was a blink and a flash and a fluttering of crows wings and Naruto was hurled out onto some hard concrete. He got his bearing and looked left. A long line of genin looked across at him.

"Uhhh." He blinked.

"This is so like you." Ino sighed.

"Alright, looks like Uzumaki's here too." Sighed the jonin across from the line. "That makes thirteen."

Naruto found himself in the middle of a massive arena. Along the long line he spotted mostly familiar faces. He waved brightly at Gaara, who smiled back perfectly innocently, traded thumbs-ups with Rock Lee, and then gave Choji a nod of respect (from one food enthusiast to another). That made three teams beside him, the sand siblings, team Gai, the Ino-Shika-Cho combo and-

He blinked. "The hell are they doing here?"

Dosu looked back at him. "Oh, hello there."

The sound trio looked remarkably worse for wear. Dosu's leg was broken, Zaku couldn't walk without a limp and Kin was just...shooketh.

"We passed. Duh." Zaku smirked at him triumphantly.

"No you didn't!" Naruto pointed, outraged. "Those three are working with Orochimaru! They said so!"

Dosu's eyes widened for a moment before calming. "Oh yeah? Sounds ridiculous. Prove it."

"We can though!" Naruto exclaimed. "The Yamanaka clan can literally read your minds!"

"We can." Ino confirmed.

"Oh, right, my bad." Itachi was suddenly there again. "Yeah, these three are coming with me."

He grabbed the Sound trio, and with an incredibly aesthetic crow variant body flicker, they were gone.

"I hate my job sometimes." The jonin murmured to himself, before coughing. "Alright, my name's Gekko Hayate and I'm going to be proctoring the third stage of the exams. There are now...ten of you. Great."

"Twelve." Naruto pointed out. "Both my teammates also passed."

"Your teammates aren't here." Gekko replied, boredly. "So by my reckoning that means they're both disqualified."

"Kakashi said you might say that." Naruto remembered. "He also said that he knows exactly when the ANBU member Possum gets off shift and three topics she finds interesting."

"Your teammates are both undisqualified." Gekko hurriedly corrected. "So that leaves us with twelve. Not a power of two, so not an ideal tournament bracket, but we can work with it. So, the third round of the chunin exams is a tournament. You fight each other to show off your skills to see how chunin-worthy you are."

"What?" Naruto gasped.

"What now?" Gekko turned back to him.

"That makes no sense!" Naruto exclaimed. "Why would you judge our skills _competitively_? Wouldn't there be a control level where you say 'yes, now they're chunin'? Why the hell would you make it so that our success is based off how well we compare to other people?"

"You don't have to win to be promoted." Gekko explained. "It's theoretically possible to lose once and be promoted, or win the whole thing and not get through. Also the village makes thousands on the gambling."

"Fine, but it's still bad." Naruto sighed.

"Unfortunately." Gekko continued, bracing himself. "As twelve is, quite frankly, way too many possible chunin, we have decided to do a preliminary round, reducing the number to six. Failing this round will prevent you from being promoted."

"WHAT?" Naruto exploded. "THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE! Why would only an arbitrary number of genin be allowed to pass? What happens if the second best fights the best in the preliminaries and you lose out on someone totally capable of becoming chunin? What if-"

Gekko glared at him him. "Look, if we pass too many chunin people assume the standards have been lowered, the randomiser is probably rigged anyway, and if you don't stop whining then possum or no possum, I am disqualifying you and your whole team right now!"

Naruto fell into a begrudging silence.

"Why do you care so much?" Whispered Tenten from next to him.

"I have a lot of experience with unfair tests." Naruto explained, sullenly. "Rules like this screwed me over all the time back at the academy."

"First round." Gekko reviewed a device in his hand. "Is...Yamanaka Ino vs Sabaku no Kankuro. That's your second name? 'Of the sands'? Alright, whatever, get into position."

* * *

Naruto made his way up into the stands, and was somewhat surprised to see Kakashi sat there, reading another one of his books.

"Sensei?" He called out, running over.

"Oh hey, Naruto." The jonin remarked, not looking up.

"Where are my teammates?" Naruto begged.

"Jiraiya came over to look at them, so my minimal expertise wasn't needed." Replied his Sensei.

"So you ditched them?"

"Yeah."

Naruto gaped at him. "Why are you not worried?"

 _"I Am_." Kakashi let some killing intent bleed out for a moment. "But in this case it's better for me not to get involved. That's some advice you might want to pay attention to, Naruto. Doing nothing can be the best choice."

In the arena, Kankuro squared off against Ino. She looked determined, he seemed perfectly casual.

"Jiraiya said that he knew a sealing ritual that could stop what he's calling a 'curse mark', the thing on your teammates' necks." Kakashi continued. "But it will take a while. We need to hope this next fight takes its sweet time so he can do his thing before they have to fight."

"Begin!" Called out Gekko.

Without waiting, Ino sprinted forwards and pulled a kunai, spearing it into Kankuro's throat. Kankuro's head tilted. Ino backed up slowly, gulping. Kankuro, knife still stuck in his throat, began walking jankily forwards, arms outstretched towards her. She screamed.

"Well, so much for long and drawn out." Sighed Kakashi, after two minutes of Kankuro chasing a horrified Ino around the arena.

"Wasn't a very impressive fight." Naruto huffed, still angry about the injustices of the system.

"These are prelims, he isn't being judged yet." Kakashi explained. "He's managed to look intimidating all while revealing nothing about his fighting style. Most of the other genin won't even have realised he was a puppet."

"He was a what?"

Kankuro finally pinned Ino to the floor, causing repeated screams of "I forfeit! I forfeit! Please don't let Kankuro-kun do any horrible unseemly things to my young innocent body-"

"Dude, what have you been reading?" Came a muffled voice from within the bandages on Kankuro's back.

"Okay, we're still good." Naruto thought aloud. "We just need neither of them to be called up for another few rounds, right?"

"Next match." Said Gekko. "Sasuke vs Tenten."

"Or, I could open my big mouth, and everything could go wrong." Naruto sighed.

"I'll get him." Kakashi vanished.

* * *

"So what did the old pervert say?" Naruto asked, eyes roaming over his friend. Not in a weird way, he was visibly worried.

"I'm in constant pain and exhausted, but otherwise I'm perfectly fit for duty." Sasuke grimaced as another bolt of agony flashed through him. "Problem is, this thing activates when I put chakra into it, and since I have no control over it it just turns on when I use any chakra over a base level, period."

"So no great fireball?" Naruto understood.

"Nope."

Naruto gasped. "But Sasuke, what will you do without your only technique?"

"Ha fucking ha."

"But seriously, you have to fight the best kenjutsu genin in Konoha without any ninjutsu or genjutsu?"

"Basically."

Naruto let that get him down for about two seconds before his boundless optimism came back.

"Well, I'm sure you'll manage it. It's _you_!"

Sasuke shook his head, laughing. "Your madness is infectious. Alright, lets do this." He walked out onto the arena floor. Tenten stood across from him.

"Do you want to forfeit now?" She called across to him, sympathetically. "You look dead on your feet."

"Sorry, but no." Sasuke said back. "I've kinda gotta win the whole tournament. There are two people allowed to knock me out, and they aren't you."

"Suit yourself." Tenten shrugged. Reaching behind herself, she pulled the large scroll from her back and held it in in her arms.

"Ready..." Called Gekko. "Begin!"

Sasuke _moved_.

This was the first time in a while he was going all out against a fellow genin, and not a ninja several times his own power. The effects of the training seal, especially now it was turned off, became immediately apparent. He was halfway towards Tenten before she could move. The weaponsmaster unfurled her sealing scroll and flung it, and out the front in a plume of smoke came a flurry of shuriken. Sasuke had been worried he wouldn't be able to dodge without his Sharingan active, but dodge he did, sliding and jumping around the projectiles. Appearing beside her he launched a kick, aiming his heel towards her abdomen. It me a sturdy shaft of wood. Tenten twisted the bo staff to turn away his foot and brought one end down on the back of his knee, making him lurch away. He punched, and she blocked, and all he got was smarting knuckles. Much to his chagrin, Tenten actually had a height advantage over him, and she knew how to leverage it, so grappling for control of the staff was pointless. The status quo was against Sasuke so he changed it, pulling a kunai and swinging it to bisect the staff with a neat motion.

Tenten, smiling victoriously, shifted her grip.

Now wielding two smaller sticks, she attacked in a vicious flurry that made Sasuke desperately wish he had bracers of some sort. He was able, after taking a few bruises, to cut the sticks into small enough pieces as to be useless. Tenten threw the remnants at him and drew nunchucks.

"Seriously?" Sasuke exclaimed, moving back onto the defensive. "Aren't you worried the competitors will learn to counter all your weapons?"

"You've seen four." She grinned, swinging them rapidly. "I'm expert in twenty five, and proficient in forty more."

" _Why_?" He caught up the nunchucks in his kunai, and she seamlessly switched to a morningstar ( _Morningstar!_ )

"The most basic level of combat is the same for all weapons." She answered, swinging the ball and chain. "Gai-Sensei claimed it, and I proved it. Also, when I'm practicing with a new weapon I don't have to spar with Lee."

"Touche."

He caught the morningstar by the chain and wrenched it from her, only to catch a brass knuckled strike to the face. He swung the spiked ball at her himself, but it clanked against the shield-( _shield! What self respecting ninja uses a shield?_ )- on her free arm. She had made a mistake though: brass knuckles were taijutsu. He parried a few punches and was able to land a strike to her face in return, then grabbed onto her shield and cartwheeled. The manoeuvre would have broken her arm had she not relinquished the shield to his hands, but as it was she fell backwards and summoned another weapon pair from her scroll. The hook swords glinted.

"Those things are vicious." Sasuke nodded appreciatively, equipping the shield to his own arm after checking it for traps. "But you've checkmated yourself."

"How." Her eyes narrowed.

"By checking me." He grinned at her. "Now I have to do something insane."

Her eyebrows raised. "Oh no. They've corrupted you."

He sighed. "Afraid so. It's not so bad once you get used to it." He sprinted at her. The first two sword swings he caught on his shield, but the third he dodged, bringing the blunt edge of the metal plate down on her arm. She was too good to drop the weapon due to the pain, but it was enough for him to pull it off her with his free hand. The two blades locked between them. Sasuke marshalled his chakra.

"Now you're in checkmate." She grinned, pulling a (crossbow? Really?) from her back and aiming it at his stomach. In her moment of victory, her eyes met his. She blanched. His Sharingan flashed red.

She pulled the trigger on impulse, launching a bolt into his gut, and he winced and closed his eyes. It was enough for her to disentangle their weapons, hook his leg with hers, and drop him on his back, levelling the business end of the sword at his throat. "I win." She breathed.

"I forfeit." He grumbled.

"Victory to Tenten." Called out Gekko. She whooped, dropping her weapons and turning back to her team.

"Well done! Your youth was shining brightly!" Lee stuck his thumb up at her with a grin.

"Not really." Sighed Sai.

Tenten blinked at him. "What?"

"This isn't really happening." Sai explained. "You tried hard though. Good fight."

All that was what Tenten _thought_ happened.

What actually happened was that after she met Sasuke's eyes she froze in place, Genjutsu taking hold, and then fell unconscious to the floor.

"Does that count?" Sasuke called.

"Victory goes to Sasuke." Called out Gekko.

"Nice going Sasuke!" Naruto yelled from the stands. "Wait; didn't you just use chakra? Won't that-"

"Yep." Sasuke winced, as the curse mark on his shoulder began glowing red. "Ow, okay, I'm going to Jiraiya now. Ow, Fuck, this was a _terrible_ idea!"

* * *

 **I know Tenten gets a lot of hate, but she seems like she could be pretty interesting. Most of the ninja just use fists and kunai, so a chick who knows how to fling around ten billion weapons would be pretty fun to write. The only fic I've read that features her heavily is Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, but it just turns her into a pretty generic earth style user. Any alternatives?**

 **Oh, and DONT GET ME FUCKING STARTED ON HOW STUPID THE FUCKING CHUNIN EXAMS ARE. I think I had Naruto explain how FUCKDUMB it is just now. Oh and yeah, round three has a lot of changed fights, so I'm not just writing 'like canon but naruto doesn't suck as much'. If the fight _is_ the same, I'll probably just skip it. Pirate the episode, we all know you can.**


	18. Who's The Edgiest Of Them All?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the edgiest of them all?

* * *

 **Ten years earlier**

"Congratulations on your victory, Ge-No fucking way." The chunin stared.

Two genin and four scrolls were in front of him.

Itachi absently picked his nose. "So that was round two, right?"

"You..." The chunin stood there, flabbergasted. "How? It's been, what, two hours?"

"I know. I'm disappointed in myself as well." Sighed Neji. "My movement was terribly inefficient. May I have another go? I could at least half the time it took."

"You..." The chunin spluttered. "But you were split up! How did you find each other?"

"Byakugan?" Neji offered. "Wait, were we not _supposed_ to be split up?"

"That doesn't make sense." Itachi frowned. "This wouldn't have even been a _challenge_ if we'd been paired up. I wouldn't have had to worry about whether or not to help save that other team of leaf genin, we'd have just gone in and done it."

"I saw that." Neji remarked. "Good work, by the way."

"Thank you."

"G-g-Go ahead." The chunin moved to the side of the two _monster-children_ and let them pass.

"Oh, by the way..." Itachi turned around. "I do have one question. What's the plan for picking up the ninja who were following us? Because we sort of left them in the woods."

"The...the overwatch ninja?" The chunin blinked. "The jonin looking after you so you don't open the scrolls early?"

"Well, yes." Neji tilted his head. "Were we not supposed to incapacitate them?"

The chunin fainted.

* * *

 **Present day**

"Okay, maybe _Hinata_ will have time to get her seal fixed."

"Lets see...next round is Hinata vs Sai."

"godDAMMIT!"

"Fuck!"

"Ugh...I'll go get her."

* * *

"Are you sure it's a good idea to kill more Konoha ninja?" Orochimaru asked, casually.

"I didn't fancy my chances holding back," Kabuto reasoned. "and after they saw me it was their corpses or my cover." He began performing a specific jutsu he'd learned from his medical training to turn the ninjas' brains to mush.

"Fair enough." Orochimaru conceded. He was leaned against the wall of an alleyway, trying to keep the blood of the corpses off his feet. "How went the exam?"

"I tried to make contact with team seven to assess their progress, but they spent the vast majority of the time hiding in a cave." Kabuto apologised. "They only got out for an hour or two before finishing. While looking for them, however, my team encountered team Gai. That's Sai and his friends." He clarified.

"I see." Orochimaru mused. "How is our good friend Danzo, by the way?"

"Still scheming, and possibly still chasing after Hiruzen's hat." Kabuto sighed. "Subtext from Sai implied he had a reason to get through to the finals, so I threw the fight. I hope you don't mind."

"No no, appease him for now." Allowed the snake sannin. "As long as he doesn't interrupt what we're organising with Suna, he can do as he wishes."

There was a cough, and he turned to look at its origin annoyedly. "Excuse me! We're trying to ignore you."

"Apologies, sir." Dosu dipped his head. He and his team were huddled in the corner of the alley as their superiors talked.

"No, it's fine, go ahead."

"It's just..." Dosu tilted his head in thought. "Why are we still alive? We've failed our mission and our cover is blown. Why isn't your pet medic turning us to mush?"

"Perceptive as always, young Dosu." Orochimaru crooned. "In truth you haven't really failed. I sent you in to infiltrate the exam and test whoever I decided to gift the curse mark, and you did."

"But we got caught!" Protested Zaku, somewhat masochistically. "We had to take out that team with the dog and bug dudes to get into the third round, but then Uzumaki tattled on us immediately."

"That was very stupid, yes." Agreed their master. "But I still have uses for you and your team in this mission, and that means I need you alive. Although it would be nicer to have your corpses so they don't go looking for you..."

"The sand siblings killed a trio in the forest." Kabuto offered. "With a clothes switch and sufficient mutilation, they could be mistaken for these three."

Orochimaru stood fully and began leaving. "Perfect. And I'll go pretend to be a distraught and outraged Sensei over the death of my students." He sighed dramatically. "Truly, there is no rest for the wicked."

* * *

Hinata walked into position across from Sai. He smiled at her emptily.

It was one of the reasons she didn't like him. Her clan had many books on reading people's emotions, and while she had originally struggled with it, she could now often spot whenever someone was lying to her (except very experienced ninja). But _now_ she couldn't ignore it, and it upset her when she spotted it. One of the most appealing things about Naruto was that he was terrible at concealing his thoughts, and rarely even tried. Sai though...it was like his face moved, and his brain was blank behind it. He was untrustable.

"Are you well, miss Hyuuga?" He asked, still smiling. "It wouldn't do for us to compete when you are not at full strength."

"You will find me more than adequate." She replied, simply.

"Excellent!" Sai's smile widened. "Please do not hold back."

The curse mark pulsed, and Hinata made sure not to show it. No chakra flow, the toad sage had said. Sure. It's not like her entire fighting style relied completely on chakra flow. The bursts from her fingers and palms weren't really taxing on her reserves, but they were enough to set the curse mark off. As was summoning, as was the Byakugan, as was...her entire arsenal, which she was now realising was a very dangerous weakness. Her fingers twitched. _Traditional pressure point katas it is then._

"Are both contestants ready?" Gekko confirmed. They nodded. "Alright then. Begin!"

* * *

Hinata knew Sai would expect her to run straight at him. But she was tired, so that's exactly what she did. He was faster than Tenten, Hinata realised with a start, as he began drawing in his scroll. Because _Hinata_ was faster than _Sasuke_ and Sai's ink and paper flowed to form shuriken when _she_ was further than _he_ had been. The mild mannered, innocuous member of team Gai was actually good. And she had never actually seen Sai fight.

To quote Sasuke: 'Oh shit'.

Then the time for retrospection was past, she was ducking and dodging and sorely missing her perfect vision. Sai backed up, still drawing, and then a trio of snakes left his scroll and slithered towards her, bodies made of paper and ink.

Summoning jutsu? Blood in the ink? No, no summon looked like that. She couldn't check, of course, because she couldn't turn on the _Byakugan_ -

The first snake launched at her throat. She caught it around it's neck, but it extended unnaturally to continue biting at her. Undeterred, she brought her other arm up and tore it in half. The other two snakes moved to wrap around her legs as Sai threw another brace of paper shuriken. Grimacing, Hinata jumped into the air. In one turn, she drew and flung two kunai at the snakes beneath her, pinning them to the floor, then twisted until her fallible eyes could see the incoming projectiles, and plucked two of them from the air, deflecting the rest.

She landed, Naruto whooped from the stands, then she flung her two shuriken at Sai. He leaned left.

"Well done." The pale boy judged, still smiling. "Let's up the difficulty." He finished a drawing. Leaping from his scroll was a...porcupine?

"Is that going to turn into armour or something?" Hinata asked, hesitantly. The porcupine saw her, glared and _launched_ a volley of spines from its back. _Okay then_.

Hinata ran.

The porcupine, apparently, did not seem to be running out of ink anytime soon. It fired in a line, not a cone, but that line had some width to it, which meant that the closer she got the higher risk she ran of it pegging her. She had made herself too paranoid about there being something in that ink to allow that. Problem was that unless she was in Sai's face pressing him,

A) she didn't have any attack options and

B) he could do whatever he wanted.

This was demonstrated quite clearly when he pulled out another ink creature, this time a...skunk? She dodged another blast of spines and looked at it in confusion. It waltzed outwards, until it was just as far away as (Hinata realised with a start) she had managed to get before Sai had reacted to her. So Sai had good game-sense too, why hadn't she picked any of this up before? Then the skunk turned it's back to her and-oh come on.

Thick black smoke began spewing from its...it was farting, that's what it was, it was farting. " _Really_?" She yelled at Sai. He shrugged.

The smoke was spreading throughout the arena. Now this was _definitely_ poisonous, or at least she was meant to think it was, he was trying to pin her into a corner. She threw an experimental shuriken at the animal, but Sai intercepted it with one of his own.

She grimaced.

So if it could affect her with just a touch, she was dead without using rotation. If it couldn't, though, Sai had just signed his own death warrant. _Defeat warrant._ Bad curse mark. Hinata took in a deep breath, and sprinted into the clouds.

* * *

"It's beautiful." Naruto gripped the railing between him and the battlefield, staring down at the ink creatures. "A weaponised fart...I'd never thought it was possible..."

"You aren't worried it's going to hurt your teammate?" Kakashi eyed him.

"Hinata'll be fine." Naruto dismissed. "But look at it! It's farting! This is a level of pranking I've never seen before! I need to step up my game."

In the arena, Sai waited patiently and watched. The smoke broiled but stayed in place, probably influenced by his chakra. It had been a good twenty seconds since Hinata had entered the smoke cloud and the battle had halted in its tracks.

"Twenty ryo she never comes out!" Shouted Asuma.

"I'm in!" Kakashi shouted back, then held his hand up in the air.

Hinata burst from the smoke running straight at Sai, and threw a kunai.

A grumbling Asuma chucked a pouch of coins into Kakashi's waiting palm.

Sai dodged the kunai, boredly, as his porcupine fired another volley of spikes at Hinata, who took a breath and vanished back into the mist.

Then the kunai turned into a Hinata. Sai spun in place to catch her palm on his lead hand, then pulled a sword from his back to cut at her, but Hinata was still faster than him at close range. The porcupine had to turn around and fire, clipping Sai with needles in order to catch her in her assault, but by that point she had already deadened every nerve in his right arm. His drawing arm. And then she popped. The real Hinata was already charging back out of the smoke, flinging even more knives at him and his porcupine (Naruto had handed her his spares before the fight). Suddenly, Sai's eyes widened. They actually widened. And trapping his scroll with his knees, he used his _off hand_ to put pen to paper, then flung a paper shuriken towards Hinata. Then, in between them, erupted a great ball of flame.

* * *

Hinata coughed, and staggered to her feet. _That clanless peasant. He's actually really good._ The shadow clone splits chakra rather than consumes it. That's what Kakashi had told her. That technicality meant it didn't set off the curse mark, which was a godsend, one she had taken full advantage of. Even so, she had expected him to take out the shadow clone disguised as a kunai. She had expected him to survive her real body's simultaneous assault, even with one hand. She had _not_ expected him to realise the shadow clone had tagged his scroll with an explosive tag, _then_ put that tag onto a paper shuriken and _throw it_ in time to blow up all her other projectiles and _hit her_.

She plucked one knife out of her padded white jacket and glared at him. "I killed your skunk."

He nodded. It had been caught in the explosion. "It wasn't very useful, don't worry. Besides it's about to get replaced."

Cursing she jumped to her feet, but the porcupine's attack pinned her down again. She summoned a shadow clone, planning to perform a similar manoeuvre as had killed the skunk, and then an eagle burst from the scroll. Hinata gulped.

It was big. It's body itself was twice as long as her, and its wingspan was proportionally giant. If it were a summon it would have cost almost as much chakra as she possessed. Summons were teleported in, not made, but they were alive, not ink facsimiles, so she didn't know how the cost of it compared, but it was obviously dangerous.

"Do it." She bit out. Her shadow clone moved behind her.

The eagle screeched, and buffeted its wings. A massive gust of wind hurtled towards her. Behind her, her shadow clone narrowed its eyes, and began striking at various points on the back of her neck. She felt the area start to go numb, and moved into stance. "Eight trigrams!" She shouted. "Rotation!" She span in place. The eagle's wind had no effect on the Hyuuga jutsu, forming a small whirlwind around her.

Hinata ended her spin and immediately drew a scroll from her jacket pocket, biting her thumb and smearing the blood on the parchment. She only had so much time, after all. Her shadow clone's efforts had deadened all chakra points that lead to her curse mark, effectively cutting it off from her circuit and letting her use ninjutsu with impunity. It had the side effect of cutting off chakra flow to her brain, but that left her with a good thirty seconds to end the fight before she passed out.

She poured chakra into the scroll and it responded, as she called upon a newly familiar summon. Forsooth, the first owl she had met popped into existence, took one look at the battlefield, and took to the air, launching a screech of defiance and beelining for the paper eagle. Hinata and her clone activated their Byakugan and charged straight forwards at Sai. The porcupine could only hit one of them, and only made the real Hinata veer away before the clone was upon it. Sai threw more shuriken, but Hinata Prime got in the way with another rotation, allowing the clone to slam a palm into the porcupine, shredding it with a burst of chakra. Sai's face tightened imperceptively, though anyone's eyes but Hinata's wouldn't have caught it.

Twenty seconds of consciousness remaining.

Forsooth grabbed onto Sai's eagle and began tearing into it with beak and claw. The paper animal silently struck back, but Forsooth was bulkier, and did far more damage. Scraps of paper fell to the ground.

The two Hinata fell upon Sai, who drew his sword with his one remaining good arm and kicked his scroll behind him. His attention fully on her, he withstood for a few moments, before going into a one armed somersault. In a display that she almost didn't believe even as she saw it, he flipped his sword between his feet and kicked it at the original Hinata, at which range she had to catch it to avoid being impaled, and skidded backwards as her clone pressed forwards. _Mid somersault_ , Sai drew with his left hand on his scroll and whipped the whole thing towards her. The Hinata shadow clone could see the chakra in the paper, and saw it form something very similar to an explosive tag. She trapped it between her legs, but now her easily destroyable body wouldn't keep the explosion from hitting the real Hinata. Sai's smile turned just a little cruel.

Ten seconds until she lost consciousness. Darkness began to spread across her 360 vision, and she started to feel dizzy and faint. She threw Sai's sword into the air. Her shadow clone noticed it immediately and started flashing through the hand seals for the substitution jutsu, Sai immediately realised what she was doing but was too busy in his retreat to interfere. Sai's sword stabbed up into his eagle, eliciting a silent wail from the thing, then the sword switched places with Hinata's clone, and the scroll trapped between her legs. The scroll exploded, popping the shadow clone immediately, and tearing the paper eagle immediately into shreds. The real Hinata on the ground grabbed the sword from her clone's original position, throwing it hilt first at Sai's shoulder. His right shoulder. She saw the muscles in his deadened arm twitch, then his left moved up to try and snatch the blade, but he was too slow, being hit in the shoulder and sent spinning. Then she was on top of him.

The palm strikes rained in. "Eight trigrams!" She shouted, once he was fully unable to react. "Sixty four palms!" She had learned that lesson from Orochimaru.

Sai's limp form collapsed to the floor, as the burning remnants of his eagle fell around them.

"Call it." She snapped, out of breath.

"Victory goes to Hinata." Gekko confirmed. "And someone get her a doctor."

Yes, a doctor would probably be good. Hinata looked up to the stands. Naruto was there, cheering loudly with his fist in the air. She'd done it. She'd won, without losing control, without opening the curse mark, and he was happy.

She might have smiled, had consciousness not left her. As it was, Forsooth flew down and gently lowered her body to the floor next to Sai's.

* * *

 **I'm really happy with how that fight turned out, actually, and so is Hinata.**

 **With the dialogue from Orochimaru and Kabuto, I tried to explain more about how certain teams managed to pass and some didn't, but bottom line is that Kabuto's team lost to Sai's, and with Sakura replacing Hinata, Shino and Kiba's team got smaccd by the sound trio in that final melee. Next we finally get those damn curse seals...sealed...and Naruto's chance at glory.**


	19. Yeah, but, Lee is Lee

**Yeah, but, Lee is _Lee._**

* * *

Curse mark design, version 4.8 summary.

I would finally be willing to call this technique complete. Following is a list of all features and side effects:

-The curse mark can be applied by me personally in a ritual fuuninjutsu that I can perform relatively quickly.

-It's purpose is to mimic Jugo's ability to passively summon senjutsu chakra from the environment. (Bite me Jiraiya, you fat old asshole.)

-The curse mark stage I activates after a few days of suffering. (or it might kill you) It increases the user's physical capabilities by a flat amount, proportional to how much senjutsu chakra is absorbed.

-The curse mark requires a constant supply of the user's chakra to keep activated, and the user can vary how much power they want to provide and in turn, receive, which is visible by how far the black markings have spread across the user's body.

-Activation of the curse mark to some degree is almost certain when using chakra for any techniques. This can be mitigated by precise chakra control or putting an additional seal atop the mark (not like I'm gonna tho lol)

-Use of the mark, similarly to effects seen in Jugo, will erode the user's sense of reason without strict self control and mental discipline. Even possessing the mark will cause violent/depressive urges in the subject over time. (letting me control them easier, so you know, nice side effect)

-Through the death of the user (a situation I have made recoverable using the mind awakening pill, page 36) the user can access the Curse Mark stage II. This causes an even more dramatic increase in physical abilities, as well as a seemingly random change to the user's appearance, usually resulting in a beast-like appearance. (Also, sometimes cool extra limbs.)

-In stage II, the curse mark allows the user to enhance their traditional jutsu with senjutsu chakra, increasing their power and often applying additional affects. (Note to self, find a way to steal Jiraiya's sage mode notes.)

- _Personal research handbook of Orochimaru_

* * *

"Maniacs, absolute maniacs..." Jiraiya was mumbling to himself as Naruto walked in. The Sannin had apparently made base camp in the abandoned room Kakashi had first taken team seven to, and was now kneeling over Sasuke and Hinata. Itachi was pacing in the corner, mumbling to himself "Two tomoe! He got two tomoe already! That's amazing..."

"Are they going to be alright?" Naruto asked, stepping in.

Jiraiya sighed. "Yeah, they should be, despite their best efforts to the contrary. Bad enough my ex-partner put a _curse mark_ on them both, they had to go ahead and try and ruin their bodies a bit more before I got to them."

"No ragrets." Chuckled Sasuke from the floor, getting a swat on the back of his head for his trouble.

"Listen, midgets." Jiraiya declared. "Orochimaru was almost as dramatic as I am, but he was not one for vague or fancy naming techniques. If he calls a jutsu the eight-headed serpent, it makes him turn into an eight headed serpent. If he called this thing the ' _curse mark'_ then it isn't something you want to agitate just to progress through the exams!"

"We have to make chunin!" Sasuke protested. "All three of us have made at least five separate 'I need to get stronger' speeches since we got back from wave!"

"I could have gotten you _byes_ you absolute _morons_!" Jiraiya sighed.

"...Oh."

"Whiskers." Jiraiya pinched his forehead. "Who's up next?"

"Lee is fighting that Gaara guy from Suna." Naruto shrugged. "Both are pretty cool. I don't know who I want to win, but I'm pretty sure Lee has it in the bag.

...Why are you looking at me like that."

"Gai's not-son is fighting _Sabaku no Gaara_ and you think he'll win?" Itachi asked, incredulously.

"I mean, yeah." The blond blinked back at him. "Lee has the eight gates. He opened the first one in taijutsu training once and trounced the three of us at once." He and Sasuke shuddered. That had not been a fun session for team seven.

"And he can open like; what, four of them if he has to? He basically has this tournament in the bag, we've been brainstorming plans just for him."

"Naruto, Gaara is a jinchurikki." Jiraiya said, slowly.

"Yeah, I know." Naruto replied, nonplussed. "I'm a jinchurikki. I could throw a massive snake. Lee can probably throw...more than one massive snake."

"Genius power-scaling." Jiraiya looked across at Itachi.

The jonin sighed and moved towards the door. "I'll be there to stop them killing each other. Fix up my brother old man." Itachi body flickered and was gone.

Jiraiya took up a pot of red ink and an old fashioned quill, and began drawing on Sasuke's back. "I'm going to give you both a crash course in fuuninjutsu, just so you're not completely clueless. Kinda like how hand seals and nature transformations act as instructions for moulding chakra, seals are _written_ instructions that mould whatever chakra touches it. Some, like the chakra activated explosive tags, are relatively simple. Others are more complicated. Seals to hold a tailed beast in your body are _pretty damn_ complicated. Whatever Orochimaru's done to your friends...I gotta admit even I don't really know how it works."

"Reassuring." Sasuke drawled.

"I've seen it before." Admitted Jiraiya. "I think you know her, actually. Purple hair, great rack, thing for snakes?"

"Anko has a curse mark?" Naruto gaped.

"Uh-huh." Jiraiya grinned. "I was able to get pretty intimate with her...uh, with her curse mark. Now both these clan trust fund babies-"

"Hey!"

"-have different marks to each and other and to miss Mitarashi. Marks you just might recognise."

"They were the same marks as on the scrolls we carried through the forest." Naruto explained to his confused looking teammate. "I had a lot of time waiting in the cave. Sasuke has the earth symbol on his neck, Hinata has the heaven symbol."

Jiraiya nodded. "And the amount of senjutsu chakra I can sense off these is even higher than in Anko's..."

"Sen-what now?"

"Natural energy." Jiraiya extrapolated. "An extra dimension to a ninja's arsenal most people never get to learn."

"Teach me."

"Later." Jiraiya dismissed him and started muttering to himself. "I didn't think you could manage sage mode, that's what happens when you turn your body into _snakes_ , you old shit, but apparently you've found some other crazy cheating way to do it this is _just_ like you..."

"Are my teammates going to be okay?" Naruto interrupted.

"Yes." The toad sage sighed, going back to drawing on Sasuke's back. "I can't remove the marks, but I can put my own seal on top of them to control them. Your teammates will still be able to turn them on deliberately, although that's a _terrible_ idea, but otherwise they won't activate unless they completely lose control." He finished, and put his hand on Sasuke's back. "Now scram."

"But I wanna stay!" Naruto complained.

"I can't concentrate while you're agonising over my every move." Jiraiya countered. "Your fight could be any minute, go back to the stands."

"We'll be fine, Naruto." Sasuke reassured.

Unhappy, the blond left.

"You sent him out because it's gonna hurt, didn't you." Sasuke concluded, once Naruto was gone.

"A lot." Jiraiya confirmed, channeling his chakra. "There will probably be screaming."

Sasuke scoffed. "Look, I don't know who you're used to dealing with, but I'm an UchihaaaAAAAAA, HOLY FUCK-"

* * *

When Naruto reached the arena he was greeted with Temari and Shikimaru stood at other sides of the arena staring at each other.

"Hey, why aren't Gaara and Lee fighting?" He asked Itachi.

"They already finished." The jonin still seemed somewhat shellshocked.

"Lee won that fast?"

"Nope."

"... _Gaara_ won? Did he-"

"Lee went fifth gate." Itachi cut across. "It wasn't enough. Gaara's arsenal is pretty much built to take down melee fighters. And ranged fighters. And, well, I'll show you the match later."

Naruto whistled. "Okay, great. I'll just throw out all my anti-Lee plans then." He wandered over to the edge of the stands. In the arena, Temari had just blown another wind gust at Shikimaru, who had jumped behind a tree to avoid the attack.

"Anyway, I'm next? Okay." Naruto started stretching. "Better get warmed up, this could end any minute."

* * *

 **Forty five minutes later**

"Okay, okay; one adult sized genin or one child sized jonin."

"Does the jonin have the same chakra reserves?"

"No it's like, a jonin mind; but in a normal child's body, so same chakra and fitness."

"And then the other one's an idiot but with a jonin's body and stuff?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"I mean, does the jonin-in-a-kid get standard ninja equipment? Because without a knife and some ninja wire he isn't going to-"

"Wait look something's happening!"

Down in the arena, Shikimaru's shadow darted through the shadow of a shuriken parachute he had set into the sky. The audience watched with bated breath as Temari darted backwards and juuust managed to keep away from the shadow. The audience collectively groaned.

"Come on!"

"Get it over with already!"

Sasuke and Hinata had both recovered from their curse mark sealing, and joined Naruto in the stadium. The match was still going on.

"Hey, fuck off!" Temari snapped at the crowd. "This is what real ninja battles look like sometimes!"

"She's distracted." Itachi noted.

"So what?" Naruto waved his hand dismissively, flopped back in his seat. "It's not like Shik's gonna do anything about it."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "No, he has! Look!"

While Temari had been glaring at the spectators, Shikimaru had thrown a kunai. Now his shadow stretched out towards Temari, through the shadow of the parachute, through the shadow of the still moving kunai, and tagged her.

The crowd held their breath.

Locked in his shadow possession jutsu, Temari was forced to walk towards Shikimaru until they were face to face. Shikimaru moved his hand to his crotch.

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?" Temari asked with a heavy blush, as her own hands followed suit.

Shikimaru's hand lingered for a moment, before reaching for the (deliberately in a peculiar place) kunai holster on his inner thigh. He drew the blade.

Temari's hand came up empty, but she sighed in relief. (and a little disappointment, not that she'd ever admit it)

"Are you going to make me do this?" Shikimaru asked, boredly, holding the kunai up to her throat.

"I forfeit." Temari bit out.

"Victory to Shikimaru." Gekko drawled, from where he had been sat reading one of Jiraiya's books.

The crowd universally cheered.

"Oh shut up!"

"Final match, Naruto vs Choji."

* * *

" _Finally_!"

"I know right! I would have had my third lunch by now!"

Naruto looked across at Choji with a raised eyebrow. "When did you have your second?"

"Ino's leftover rations. This diet she's on is great!"

"It...doesn't really sound healthy for a ninja."

"No, it's great for _me_."

"Oh, got it."

"Are both contestants ready?" Gekko interrupted. They nodded. "Alright. Let the final round of the preliminaries...begin!"

Naruto grinned and put his hands together. "Null!" The training seal on his back deactivated, and he charged to meet Choji.

Despite his obviously unhealthy eating habits, Choji was one of the more genuinely competent of the Konoha genin. He was the son of a prominent ninja clan, and had always been able to completely trounce Naruto in sparring (not unlike everyone else in his class except sometimes Sakura).

But now Naruto had been training with Might Gai every day for almost two months, and the time he spent not working with that Taijutsu monster he wore the training seal that applied resistance to all his movements. The difference caused by suddenly moving through air and not cement was one not easy to calculate, but the result was obvious. Naruto blitzed forwards and punched Choji flat in the stomach, with enough force to send him skidding to a halt halfway across the arena.

Choji coughed once.

The Konoha genin (and most of their sensei) looked on in shock as the orange clad boy lifted up his fist and flexed it in front of his face with a perplexed 'huh'. This was his first time since graduation fighting a fellow genin who hadn't been through the same pain he had.

Choji got up, grimacing, and formed hand seals. "Akimichi style ninjutsu! Human bullet tank!"

His head popped inwards, his body expanded, and a giant spinning ball of human started rolling towards his opponent. Naruto held his ground. "Uzumaki style ninjutsu!" He countered. "Obey the damn laws of physics!"

This was a jutsu he had realised he possessed while fighting Orochimaru, and perfected while waiting in the cave. Around him appeared well over forty shadow clones. The first sprinted straight towards Choji and did the transformation jutsu, turning into a large metal ramp. Choji's glorified hamster ball rolled right up the ramp and into the air.

The 'obey the damn laws of physics' jutsu was, at its heart, throwing lots of shadow clones at something big really really fast so that it falls over. This is what the shadow clones did, one after the other slamming into the bullet tank, which was a _lot_ less massive than Orochimaru's snake. The successive impacts soon bled dry Choji's forward momentum, then began to send him _backwards_ as he fell, crashing him into the wall of the arena. Naruto grinned, and strode forwards. He was...confident. For once, not fighting with a desperate bravery, but genuine belief in his own abilities. _Note to self; do more of this._

Choji sat up and glared across at him. "When did you get so strong?"

Naruto smiled back. "I dunno. About last month?"

Choji huffed. "Fair enough. I didn't wanna do this, but until you get the rep you deserve, I'm not losing a fight to you. Also Asuma-Sensei will pay for my next meal if I win."

"Oh damn, really? If my ninja way (trademark) wasn't on the line, I might let you have that."

Choji smiled back. From his pocket, he pulled out a brightly coloured pill. "You see this? Dad says that in the tournament, I can use this one if I really have to. I think this counts as an emergency." He scoffed the ball.

"What does it do?" Naruto asked, back on guard.

"Converts the calories stored in my body fat into chakra." Said Choji, smugly, as wisps of the stuff started to surround him.

"About how many calories?"

"About as much as I eat on an average night out."

"Oh _SHIT_ -"

Choji blasted forwards and punched Naruto, who caught the strike on his forearm and skidded backwards a couple metres. Choji continued to press, throwing out a few more punches and an elbow, which Naruto blocked before countering with a hooked first that sent Choji into the air. Naruto jumped up and double kicked down at him, knocking him down to the floor, but Choji landed on his feet and turned Naruto's followup away. The following fight could be accurately described as two very strong children beating the stuffing out of each other. Choji and his food pills were stronger than Naruto, so Naruto quickly started summoning shadow clones. Choji responded by using the partial expansion technique to let him hit more of them at once, so Naruto responded by summoning more shadow clones. At this point, Naruto's willingness to get his hands dirty proved to be a problem for him, as it was easy for Choji to keep track of the only one who _didn't_ immediately pop upon being hit, and barrel after him like a juggernaut. So Naruto made his shadow clones who weren't busy substitute with him to throw off that particular method of attack. He didn't actually know how long Choji could stay in this state, but frankly, the Akimichi didn't look like he'd be running out of calories anytime soon. So Naruto resorted to the other technique he'd been practicing in the cave. He used the swing from one of Choji's oversized hands to catapult him up into the air, then put his hands together in a variation of a familiar seal. Namely, one with a spiked star between his palms. "Shadow shuriken jutsu!"

Choji could have dodged one, two, or even five shuriken. He didn't have much to counter the _hundred_ ninja stars that catapulted in a wide arc towards him. Choji used the expansion jutsu to put his hands up as shields, but that still meant he was getting stabbed repeatedly all over his hands, which were designed to be able to feel very acutely. He grit his teeth desperately against the pain.

In the stands, Kakashi raised his eyebrow at Jiraiya. "You taught him the Hokage's jutsu?"

"Hiruzen was my Jonin-Sensei, remember?" Jiraiya leant back, chuckling. "I picked up a few things."

"You aren't worried about the message that's going to send?" Kakashi didn't let up.

"Worried? I'm counting on it."

" _Jiraiya_."

"Orochimaru has already marked these two." The toad sage gestured to Sasuke and Hinata, who were watching the conversation warily. "Your kids are good. Really good. Thanks to these exams, everyone knows it, and now everyone knows whose protection Naruto is under."

"I'm sick of this political bullshit." Sasuke declared.

"Get used to it, haircut." Sighed Kakashi. "Public appearance, manipulation...it's gonna be your whole life sooner or later."

"It sounds...stifling." Hinata commented.

"That's why it's important to have people you can trust." Jiraiya told her. As one, the two genin looked at each other, then down into the arena.

Naruto's jutsu had shredded all his other shadow clones, and the shuriken themselves had dispelled after hitting their target, leaving Choji panting with numerous bleeding cuts on his palms.

Naruto was feeling really guilty. "Sorry!" He called across. "I don't want to use that any more on you, because it's like, really vicious, but I do have the chakra to do it again. Repeatedly."

Choji smiled, grimly. "Huh. Looks like you've finally grown up a little. Hey, you can apologise by buying me ramen sometime, k?"

"It's a deal." Naruto grinned back.

Choji turned to Gekko. "I forfeit."

The jonin sighed. "Thank god this is finally over...Naruto wins."

"WOO!" Naruto threw his fist up into the air. He could hear his team cheering for him. At least, Sasuke was cheering, but that was about as much as he could hope to get.

"And with that, the preliminaries are over." Gekko coughed into his fist. "Sabaku no Kankuro, Sabaku no Gaara, Uchiha Sasuke, Hinata Hyuuga, Nara Shikimaru, and Uzumaki Naruto...that's six right? Yeah, that's six...will progress to the final round of the chunin exams!"

"Yeah!"

"In one month!"

"Yeaaah... what?"

* * *

 **And everyone is through! Yes, just six competitors for my chunin exams round three, and next chapter, you get to see who's fighting who.**

 **I'm pretty sure Hiruzen only summoned like three or so shadow shuriken during his fight, but if you extrapolate out what Naruto can do with _normal_ shadow clones, the result is pretty obvious. Namely, a raining meat grinder of death. Next week, I wonder what Naruto decides to do following up this success...**


	20. Psychopaths pretending to be sane people

**Psychopaths trying really hard to have a party like normal people**

* * *

"Yeah." Gekko confirmed. "A month."

"What? Why?"

"So we can milk the international visitors for more money! Have you not realised yet that this is basically a massive tourist trap?"

"When this is over I'm writing a massive rant blog on ninja tumblr." Naruto groused.

"Alright if you _need_ a reason it's because we're giving you time to prepare." Gekko explained. "We're going to tell you who you'll be fighting first so you can prepare to fight them specifically."

"Okay I get we need to prepare for like, assassinations." Naruto admitted. "But in what situation are two ninja going to know they're going to fight, then wait a month preparing, then go into a-"

"I can still disqualify you." Gekko warned.

Naruto pouted, and stayed silent.

The rest of the chunin hopefuls gathered in the centre of the arena as Gekko pulled a set of cards from his pocket, then began unceremoniously dumping most of them onto the ground. "Alright." He said, eventually. "I have six cards here. Actually-" he dropped another. "Now I have six cards." He held them out face down. "Everybody pick one."

The six acquiesced.

"Alright. What are your numbers?"

"One." Said Sasuke, eyeing Hinata.

"Two." Said Hinata, eyeing Sasuke.

"Three." Kankuro dutifully reported.

Shikimaru held up four fingers.

"Five." Stated Gaara, with the significance of a celestial decree.

"Aaaand SIX!" Declared Naruto, striking a pose.

"Alright, great." Gekko deadpanned. "That is the order of your fights. First, 1 fights 2. Then 3 fights 4, and 5 fights 6."

The reaction from the six was immediate.

Kankuro and Shikimaru continued to completely ignore each other. Both jinchuuriki turned to look at each other, and both tailed beasts stirred within their stomachs.

Sasuke and Hinata locked eyes.

"Our fight should not be as crazy as theirs will inevitably be." Sasuke decided.

"Agreed." Said Hinata.

Both desperately quashed their competitive instincts.

"The first day of the final round will contain fights one and two. The second day will contain fight three, and the fight between the two winners of the previous day. Then on day three, the winner of those two fights will compete in the final."

"That means I will only get two matches." Gaara said, with a hint of threat.

"Assuming you beat me." Naruto pointed a finger at him.

"Yes. When that happens."

"Oh-hoh, you are sooo on!"

"I'm sorry, if four less or four more of you had passed then we wouldn't have this problem." Gekko shot back. "But no, now there's six of you. Also we do not want the jinchurikki fighting any more than they have to in case they start murdering the spectators."

"You...You rigged handing out the cards just now?" Naruto was aghast.

Gekko looked at him flatly. "Kami I need a drink... _Everything_ is rigged. _Nothing_ is fair. _Everyone_ is out to get you. Welcome to the life of a ninja." With that, he vanished.

The six looked at each other.

"...now what?"

* * *

The answer to that question was, of course, to throw a party. Naruto had originally just planned to invite Sasuke and Hinata around to his apartment to celebrate victory, but then he had thought he should probably invite Shikimaru as well, since they were friends too, and then he had realised that it would be unfair to invite the Nara without also inviting the rest of his team, so that meant Ino and Choji were also coming, and then he'd decided it would be unfair not to also bring Gaara, which naturally meant _his_ teammates had to come too, and then Naruto decided if he was going to include people who hadn't won anyway he may as well invite team Gai (Tenten was watching over Lee, who had been injured in his fight against Gaara, but Sai still wanted to come) and then he had decided that Sakura's team might feel left out so he invited them too, and then Itachi had officially taken over and redirected the party to the Uchiha compound, because there was no way the fifteen people Naruto had just included would fit in his tiny little apartment. Itachi had then gone ahead and included all the teams' Sensei plus Jiraiya in the invite because "Fugaku is going to fucking _hate_ this and I am _here_ for it."

Which was what led to the Uchiha grand hall being retrofit with tables stacked with food, a stereo with massive speakers, one ramen stand courtesy of Ichiraku's, and at least three targets for kunai throwing competitions.

Somewhere along the line most of the failed ninja from the other nations had been invited, along with at least five ANBU, Iruka-Sensei, the parents of a few ninja clans, and the Hokage. Even the Sensei of the three sound ninja was here, arguing heatedly with whichever jonin would talk to him. Not all had originally _wanted_ to come, but you try saying no to an infectiously happy Naruto with a shadow clone's lack of self preservation.

By one wall, Itachi had set up something of a cinema by casting a genjutsu on some willing genin. They were all watching a Sharingan enhanced replay of all the fights that had occurred so far, and were to all appearances sat munching popcorn watching a brick wall.

Stood off to one side in a defensive formation were the three sand siblings. As Gaara and Kankuro had delivered particularly intimidating matches, they had ensured that almost nobody wanted to interact with them.

That was until Naruto rolled up on a swivel chair.

"Gaara Gaara Gaara!" He shouted. "Itachi showed me your match against Lee! You were amazing! I saw you use that sand force field thing you told me about that one time, it was so cool!"

"Thank you." Gaara replied, smiling in that creepy, slightly dead eyed way of his.

"Oh, and you two as well!" Naruto turned to the other two sand genin. "Kankuro your match was hilarious. Temari yours was boring as anything, but once I had Itachi give me the abridged version it was actually really interesting!"

"Thank you, I think." Temari demurred. "Shikimaru was one hell of an opponent."

"I don't like him." Kankuro admitted, trying to pick the Nara out from the crowd. "He keeps...looking at me. Suspiciously."

Temari swatted her brother. "And what would you know about a tactical fight? I don't know anyone in Suna who's as good a tactician as him, except our Kazekage of course. He's...actually pretty good looking too." Temari blushed a little and looked off into the middle distance. Kankuro looked at his sister like she had grown a second head.

"The green clad boy _was_ very challenging." Gaara mused. "It was incredibly difficult not to kill him."

"Yeah I feel you." Naruto sighed. "I've had to train with him. You think you want to kill him after a fight; wait till he convinces his Sensei to take you all through _another_ five laps of the hidden village. There was definitely some kyuubi stirring the first time that happened."

"So why did you restrain yourself?" Gaara asked, tilting his head.

Naruto blinked, not really understanding the question. "Well, as painful as it is, training with him does make me stronger. And if I kill him, I won't be able to fight him again."

"Intriguing." Gaara mused. "I was going to use the sand coffin to crush your friend's leg into pieces, but I hesitated. At the time I wasn't sure why, but now I think it was for the reason you just described." He frowned. "Explain it to me one more time, I'm having trouble grasping it."

"If you leave people alive to get stronger, they keep being a fun fight as _you_ get stronger." Naruto recited, dutifully.

"I see...I used to believe that people only existed for me to prove my own ability, and that those below me were nothing." Explained the one-tails. "But letting the weak live because they have potential...thank you, Naruto. You have given me a lot to think about."

Temari looked between them in confusion. "Did...you just convince Gaara to value human life? Who the hell _are_ you?"

"Uzumaki Naruto." He grinned at her. "Future Hokage."

* * *

"Drink, sir?" Sai walked up to a Jonin on the edge of the party, holding two glasses of punch. The man looked down at him and smiled. "Sure. Thanks, kid."

Sai handed the beverage over and leaned on the wall next to him, looking out over the party with lips casually upturned.

The man took a sip of his drink. "Report."

"The Hyuuga heiress continues to perform well above all expectations." Sai said, expression not changing. "She adapted quickly to new circumstances and showed no hesitation using potentially lethal techniques. I was forced to show more power than authorised to push her limits, and she rose admirably to the challenge."

The man nodded. "Our master forgives your use of the bird summon, Sai. Is there anything else you think is important to mention?"

"Hinata was willing to render herself unconscious in order to succeed. I believe she is easily willing to make personal sacrifices to achieve her goals."

"That saves us having to train it into her." The man noted.

"However," Sai cautioned, "I do not think she will give her life if ordered, not yet. She is obsessed with the murder of her older brother Neji, and gives no other objective higher precedence."

"Do you believe that her team will be a problem?" The man asked.

If Sai hadn't purged all his emotions long ago, he would have laughed. He did anyway, if only to preserve his persona to anyone watching. "She does not care about them. They will go to great lengths for her, I think, but not the other way around. Hinata is the type of person to view others as chess pieces. Some more valuable than others, but all fit for sacrifice, bar herself."

"Is that so." The man finished his drink. "I'm sure our master will find this very useful, Sai. Thank you for the punch."

"It was my pleasure, Yamato. I will continue my surveillance."

* * *

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke took a deep breath, released it, put a smile on his face, and turned around. "Hiii, Sakura..."

The pink haired, admittedly a little cute, girl ran up to him, and then did that _thing_ she liked to do with her posture where she put her hands together and bent forwards and Kami he was sick of it.

"Sasuke, your fight was amazing!" She gushed. "The way you beat Tenten at her own game, and that cool handspring you did, it was awesome!"

"Thank you." He replied, trying to be polite. "I'm sure you would have had a great fight too, but apparently the actual terrorists were the ones who stopped you getting through, so that wasn't really fair..."

"Yeah..." She looked really angrily at the floor for a moment. "But still, I'm sure it wouldn't have been as cool as yours. I bet you'll be able to beat all the others, no problem!"

"Mmh..." Sasuke thought. "Did you see Lee's match? His and Gaara's was pretty awesome."

"It was? As good as yours?" She seemed doubtful.

"As good as-oh it was way better." Sasuke scoffed. "Actually, come here." He grabbed her hand. Presumably overwhelmed somewhat by the voluntary physical contact, she followed.

"Hey bro!" Sasuke called out to Itachi. "Show Sakura the Lee-Gaara fight!" He then flung an easily detected genjutsu at his brother that said _Make him look, like, really cool. And attractive._

 _We have got to find you a girlfriend, Sasuke._ Itachi's voice deadpanned into his head, even as he smiled benignly at Sakura and directed her to sit down and face the wall.

 _Girlfriends later. Ninja stuff now._

 _One day you will grow a pair and regret this decision._

 _Maybe. But not yet._

* * *

" _Dead_?" Itachi exclaimed.

" _Dead_?" Echoed the Sound team's Sensei.

"Dead." Confirmed the third Hokage. "The three and their guards were all found killed after they failed to report to T&I."

"Can I see them? Please?" Their Sensei's bottom lip trembled.

"I doubt you will find much solace in it." The third warned him. "All five bodies appear to have been," he coughed, "liquefied."

The sound jonin put his hand to his heart and gasped. "How barbaric! Why would anyone do such a thing?"

"Now the Yamanaka can't find out anything." Itachi grimaced. "Fuck. If we didn't know they were guilty before, we sure do now. I should have stayed with them, dammit, not handed them off-"

"Then perhaps we would have lost you as well." Hiruzen put a palm on his shoulder. "If our prime suspect _is_ the one responsible, I would not like to risk you fighting him alone."

"I could have taken snakeface." Itachi groused.

The Sound jonin gasped.

"You don't mean," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "Orochimaru? The dangerous, terrifying, ~devilishly attractive~ member of the Sannin?"

"Indeed." Hiruzen stated, grimly.

"Outrageous!" The man exclaimed. "First you accuse my students of treason, then you allow them to be murdered in the middle of your own village? I will be spreading the word of your incompetence to village Sound's leader! Good day sirs!" He spun dramatically on his heel, flicked his hair, and walked away.

"...That was definitely Orochimaru, wasn't it." Itachi watched his retreating back.

"I don't believe even _he_ would be that bold." Hiruzen admitted.

* * *

Orochimaru, walking out, could not believe he had just gotten away with that.

* * *

Sasuke wondered how exactly he had ended up sat diametrically opposite to Hinata. He hadn't meant to; he had planned to make a show of solidarity out of sitting _next_ to her, but there hadn't been enough room on the couch without getting uncomfortably close and now he was awkwardly staring her down. Kakashi and Jiraiya were watching them both bemusedly, the latter regularly downing sips of sake.

"This is silly." Hinata said.

"I agree." Sasuke nodded. "We're friends right?"

"I think we've reached that point, yes." She replied.

"So even though we have to fight in a month, we shouldn't be contentious about it." He continued.

"Exactly." She replied.

They continued to stare each other down.

"Hey Sensei." Sasuke asked, not looking away from Hinata. "I don't suppose you know any Sharingan techniques that Itachi can't or won't teach me?"

"Um."

"While you're at it Sensei," Hinata said, also not breaking eye contact. "Gai says you know a powerful lightning release jutsu. As lightning is my primary elemental affinity, I'd like to learn that, if it's possible."

"Really? I'd like to learn that too." Sasuke didn't blink. "The Uchiha all primarily use fire, but Itachi has taught me the basics of lightning release."

Kakashi held up a hand. "Actually, I don't think I'll be teaching either of you anything."

" _What?_ " They both turned to him.

"I don't want to be seen as favouring one of you over the other." He explained. "Especially with the _obscene_ amount of gambling money that's going to be resting on this fight. No matter what I do I'm going to get hitmen sent after me, but I'd rather limit the number if at all possible."

"Fair enough." Sasuke acknowledged. "Gambling, huh? Can you put me down for a hundred Ryo on myself?"

Hinata's gaze flicked to him, then back to Kakashi. "Same for me. _Two_ hundred."

Sasuke opened his mouth.

"Guys, did you know Suna doesn't actually have ramen? How have they _survived_?" The tension was cut by Naruto jumping down on the sofa next to Jiraiya, to Kakashi's audible relief.

"Woo! Naruto!" Shouted the toad Sannin, decidedly drunk by this point. "Hey, can you do that one jutsu with the pretty blonde girls and the conveniently PG steam?"

Naruto frowned. "The sexy jutsu? Why would you want a bunch of naked girls at a party?"

"Why _wouldn't_ you want a bunch of naked girls at a party?" Jiraiya belly laughed, and reached for the Sake.

Kakashi took it off him with a cough. "Naruto, we were just discussing how training was going to work in preparation for the finals. Obviously I can't really join in when it comes to turning you all against each other, but I have no problem trying to help you take down Gaara."

"So you're mooching us off to other Sensei." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "How unlike you."

"Hey, Itachi has already told me he's not taking any missions on until after the exams _specifically_ to help you." Kakashi admitted. "And frankly he's, like, waaay better than me. As for Naruto-"

"I's will do it!" Shouted Jiraiya, standing up in place before flipping down again. "I will train the Naruto! He'sh my legashy! The mosht amasing ninja in ever!"

"Yay?" Naruto tried to inch away, but Jiraiya grabbed him and pulled him into a bear hug, resulting in a blubbering, complaining mess.

"And what about me?" Asked Hinata, quietly.

"Well for you-"

"HINATA!" Came a shout. Might Gai slid amongst the group and knelt in front of the Hyuuga. "May I say that I was awed by your fight in the arena." He said, eyes closed "Though forced upon you by outside agents, your commitment to using no ninjutsu was inspiring, and cleverly executed. Lee could learn a lot from you."

"I..."

"THEREFORE!" Gai shouted, grabbing one of her hands in his. "With my students out of the tournament, I have no recourse but to assist you in your preparation for the finals! Kakashi says that as all of his team got further than mine, I am obligated as a forfeit to train you, and while I do not recall making such a bet, I am certain that my good friend and long time rival would never lie to me!"

Sasuke looked across at a whistling Kakashi. "You're a fucking despicable person, you know that?"

"I...thank you, Gai-Sensei." Hinata answered the green clothed jonin, working her hand free of his and wiping it on Jiraiya. "I would be honoured to receive your training."

"EXCELLENT!" Gai stood and struck a pose. "We commence tomorrow. I will not stop my daily training of your whole team, however, as that would not be sporting! Now, I must return to Lee's bedside. The doctors say it will take him five weeks to recover, but I have CHALLENGED HIM to make it four! I will not abandon him to such an endeavour alone! Farewell!" He vanished in a cloud of dust, not due to a body flicker, just from running off really fast.

"What do they feed him..." Sasuke wondered.

"Get off me old man! I'm not one of your smelly toads!"

"Of coursh! You musht drink with the toads! Wheresh my contract..."

"Jiraiya do _not_ summon Gamabunta inside!"

* * *

 **Yay, fun party episode, and clearing up some more loose ends. Yes, Lee is not so messed up in this one, because a more positive Naruto is having earlier effects on Gaara.**

 **Also, the Sakura dating game has started. Who do I try and set her up with. Sasuke? Lee? Gaara? Itachi? Ichiraku ramen guy? Who knows! I sure don't!**

 **Next chapter preparations commence for the final round of the chunin exams, and unless I'm mistaken, a return from everyone's favourite best boy...**


	21. Training Montage 3: Gaara is Fine

**Act III: Violence is cool but have you tried Friendship?**

 **Training Montage #3: Gaara is perfectly fine**

* * *

 **Ten years earlier**

"Are you sure this is okay?" Neji asked, following Itachi into the woods.

"Sure." Itachi breezed. "Relax, none of my clan is gonna know. He knows how to keep a secret."

"I wasn't sure it would be fair." Neji continued, still uncertain. "You shouldn't have to find someone from your clan to help _me_ train."

"Oh yeah, and who's gonna train you?" Itachi replied. "The main branch?"

Neji's silence was telling.

"He's not going to favour one of us over the other, he's cool like that." Itachi waved his friend off. "And to be honest, we could both learn from him. He's like me, but cooler."

"High praise, coming from you." Neji drawled.

They reached a clearing, and it's other occupant stood up and turned to them with a smile. "Hey Itachi. And you must be Neji." Uchiha Shisui crossed his arms. "So, let me guess. You want to learn some cool new murder techniques?"

* * *

 **Present day**

The month began.

* * *

"So I'm an official summoner now?" Naruto confirmed, looking dubiously at the contract. "I know you said it was important at the time, but was me drinking with Gamabunta (and then riding him around the Uchiha gardens) _really_ part of the summoning contract?"

"The drinking part was, the ride was just because he didn't like you." Jiraiya explained. Having recovered from his hangover, he and Kakashi had taken Naruto out into the forest for some private practice.

"So my four month ban from Sasuke's compound is for _nothing_?" Naruto glared at him.

"Yeah, but it was worth it for the look on Fugaku's face." Grinned Jiraiya. "We can get into the technicalities of summoning later, but first, ~strategy~."

Naruto wrinkled his nose. "What's the point in strategy? It's a one on one fight!"

"Think about it." Kakashi intervened. "You're stood across the arena from Gaara. Gekko goes 'match start!' What's your opening move?"

Naruto frowned. "Uh...I punch him?"

"Okay, so he blocks that with his sand wall. What next?" Kakashi looked at him emotionlessly.

"I...punch him again?"

"He blocks that too."

"I-"

"Unless you can get as fast as Hinata in these thirty days, punching him when he's prepared isn't going to do anything. Try something else."

Naruto scowled. "Fine. I use the shadow shuriken jutsu."

"He makes a sand wall and blocks them."

"I make shadow clones!"

"And what do they do?"

"Uh...punch him?"

"He blocks them with a sand wall. And then destroys them."

Naruto stomped his foot angrily. "You can't just say that every time!"

"I can." Kakashi said, levelly. "Because he will. I'm not being contentious, Naruto, I'm trying to make you think. If you'd gone into the fight right now you would have tried all of those things first to no effect, wasting time, effort, and chakra."

"...okay so maybe strategising is important." Naruto admitted.

"So think, boy." Jiraiya took over. "The first step is to understand what you can do, and what your opponent can do. You've seen him fight, and it was against a strong enough opponent that you know he wasn't holding back. However, he's also seen _you_ fight. As Kakashi had neatly explained, Gaara knows you don't know anything that can touch him."

"And that's...bad?"

"No, actually it's good."

"Oh, come on!"

"In a normal fight you'd have to make a plan, then make a plan to counter their plan, then make a plan to counter their counter for your counter, up to about the power of five. Unless it's Hashirama versus Madara in which case it goes up to like twelve. But as Gaara (a) knows right now he could beat you, (b) seemed a very passive fighter against Lee and (c) is completely insane, I doubt he'll bother, meaning you get to shape the fight."

Naruto snorted. "Gaara's not insane."

The two jonin looked at each other.

"Naruto." Said Kakashi, slowly. "What do you think of him? As a person?"

"What, Gaara?" Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, Gaara's great. He's always smiling, he's got interesting political views, fun to talk to, kind...why are you looking at me like that?"

Jiraiya twitched. "Have you ever actually...met? Gaara?"

"Trust me." Naruto placated. "Gaara's probably out there right now doing some unquestionably nice things."

* * *

Gaara stared.

"I wonder, what potential do you have?"

The red fox squealed, desperately trying to free itself.

"So that's what the fox says." Gaara mused. "It's just I'm trying to put into practice what Naruto was talking about. I could kill you right now. Pour sand into every orifice of your body until your blood dried up..."

The animal was fortunately not capable of understanding that. It kept struggling.

"What would killing you achieve? Not much. It would be fun, a little. It wouldn't take much effort. But what else could you do? You're not very likely to grow to provide me with a fighting challenge."

The fox let out a low moan.

"But maybe that was just an example. You're not a ninja, you're an animal." Gaara shifted forwards, and the sand moved the fox to make it meet his eyes. "So...if I didn't want to kill you, what else could I do with you?"

* * *

"...he's probably, I dunno, playing with animals, or visiting Lee in the hospital. Oh crap I need to do that..." Naruto continued, makings a mental note.

Kakashi shared another glance with Jiraiya. "Okay, so we'll skip the psychological evaluation part...now before we get to brainstorming, there are three questions you have to answer:

In the next thirty days,

What _can_ you learn?

What do you _need_ to learn?

And who can you learn it _from_?"

* * *

Sasuke finished his stretches. "Okay, spill 'onii-chan'. What's so important you brought me all the way out into the woods?"

Itachi pulled a sealing scroll from his pocket, smiling. "What, am I not allowed to spend personal time with my brother?"

"We were already training every day, asshole."

"That is true." Itachi sat down with his scroll. "Well basically I don't trust Hinata's Byakugan while we're still in the village. If she was Neji she'd still be able to see us from tens of kilometres away, but I'm pretty sure she hasn't gotten that strong yet."

"You think she's spying on me?" Sasuke asked.

"You haven't been spying on her?" Itachi countered.

"I mean, I've tried." Sasuke sighed. "But she always just stops moving and stares at me until I go away. The Byakugan is bullshit."

"It does have a lot more utility than our own dojutsu." Admitted Itachi. "But yes, I want this to be kept a secret from her."

"What are you teaching me?" Sasuke asked, trying to contain his excitement. Itachi didn't do 'small'.

"When recounting the fight against Zabuzza, you complained that your kunai didn't have enough reach to fight him effectively." Itachi began. "You expressed similar issues when fighting against Orochimaru, and against Tenten. Against Hinata you will have a slightly different problem; your ideal melee range is exactly where she wants you to be. I don't suppose you can beat her in a taijutsu spar?"

"I've almost beaten her. Sometimes." Sasuke hedged.

"And if you _almost_ survive against a hostile force, you've still died." Itachi pointed out. "You need a way to keep her out of melee range that doesn't cede her momentum or control over the fight."

"And what would you recommend?" Sasuke asked.

Itachi gave a small smile Sasuke was all too familiar with. "Tell me, how much did the academy teach you about Kenjutsu?"

* * *

Hinata fell back under Gai's punches, but was unable to stop the sweep that put her on the floor. The sky was overcast, and the grass was wet with rain.

She coughed once.

"Impressive work, my young student! You grow stronger and faster by the day!"

She grimaced and got back to her feet, returning to the gentle fist opening stance. "Again."

"The fires of your youth burn brightly!" Gai acknowledged, but he frowned. "Though your motivation seems to come less from enthusiasm and more from grim determination. Why is that?"

"Why does it matter?" She asked, defensively.

Gai took a long look at her, then shifted out of stance. "Because it just might decide the outcome of the entire battle. Rest for a moment."

She sighed and drew herself back up to full height, trying to stabilise her breathing. She was used to being good at taijutsu. She was better than Lee (honest, she was) he just cheated and didn't feel pain. Gai...Gai was better than her. _Way_ better.

"Understanding why you fight is almost as important as being able to do so." Gai impressed. "The battle of the flesh is tied deeply to the battle of the mind. A lack of conviction saps your strength, hollow beliefs make your defenses crack under pressure, and thoughtless determination ruins your accuracy. The last is especially important for one with your style, and unfortunately it's where I fear you yourself are the most affected."

"I know what I'm doing." She bit back. "And why I'm doing it."

"Is that so?" Gai crouched down so he could meet her eyes. "Tell me. In a matter of weeks you will go out to face your teammate in combat. Why?"

"To win the tournament."

"Why?"

"To pass the chunin exams."

"Why?"

"I...don't understand."

"No reason is a wrong reason." Gai reassured. "Desiring the glory or the admittedly substantial cash prize isn't exactly _noble_ , but it's as true a reason as any other. Is it for the sense of the achievement? Does it open up new options? Is it part of a larger goal?"

Hinata thought about it, looking down to the floor. "If I beat Sasuke, I can take part in up to two more fights against strong opponents, which will help me improve. It also makes it more likely I will be promoted to chunin after. That rank means I get to take on harder missions, but also..." She debated whether or not to reveal the next part, but then decided it wasn't much of a secret. "Certain secrets of my clan are sealed away, even from me, that require certain seniority to access. There's a vault, under my compound." Neji shouldn't have known owl summoning. He _couldn't_ have learned some of the things her father had mentioned. "I'm only allowed in once I turn eighteen, or once I reach the rank of chunin."

Gai nodded in understanding. "Pursuit of strength. Some say noble, others disagree. But go deeper. Do you want power for power's sake, or is there another goal you need power to achieve?"

Hinata sighed in defeat and resolved to lay all her cards on the table. "Neji. I need to become strong enough to beat him."

Gai stood back up. "And now the most important question. How hard are you willing to work to achieve that goal?"

"I would level mountains." Hinata declared. "I would build skyscrapers and destroy cities; swim to the depths of the oceans and walk the breadth of the world. I would work until my bones turned to ash if it meant I could bring him _down_."

Lightning flashed to punctuate her words.

Gai leapt back and struck a pose. "Yosh! Now we have reached the heart of the issue, your true determination has been found! Come, young Hyuuga! Ride the wave of your realisation, and attack!"

* * *

"You're going to teach me to sword fight?" Sasuke's face lit up.

Itachi nodded. "Not exclusively; but yes. That Sharingan means you can definitely pick it up in a matter of weeks, and I know a few jutsu that couple well with it. It will probably take you a little longer to be able to form hand seals with one free hand, but you will be able to transition from kenjutsu to ninjutsu/taijutsu quickly enough by the time you get into the fight."

Sasuke didn't even try to hide his glee. Swordfighting was Itachi's thing. Itachi was teaching him _Itachi's thing_. Thirteen years of hero worship had led up to this moment.

"Before we begin, I have a confession to make." Itachi held a hand up, then put the other one down on his sealing scroll. "A couple months ago, you stole one of the seven ninja swordsmen's swords. You are definitely the youngest of us to do that. You are not, however, the first." He put some chakra into the seal, and in a puff of smoke appeared two thin blades.

"Is that..." Sasuke was in awe.

"Kiba." Itachi nodded. "'Fangs'. Or Raito, if it makes you uncomfortable that they have the same name as your Inuzuka classmate. Admittedly, I got them from someone who was definitely _not_ one of the seven; just some mist jonin who thought he was much better than he really was. Their actual owner was killed by Might Dai."

"Gai never mentioned he fought the seven." Sasuke frowned.

"Not Gai." Itachi corrected. " _Dai_. Gai's father. It was the third great ninja war; the seven ninja swordsmen all took to the battlefield at once and Dai, the absolute _maniac_ , opened the eighth gate and beat all of them in the most dramatic moment of the entire war. He died immediately afterwards but...damn. I have it recorded on Sharingan, actually."

"Weren't you, like, four or five when the war ended?" Sasuke pointed out.

Itachi gave him a look. "I activated my Sharingan after my first kill, in that war. I was four."

"Right, you're amazing, I get it." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Does that mean you've also copied how to use these things?"

"Oh, you bet." Itachi picked one up and handed it over. "You're too small to use both, but one should be perfect for you."

Sasuke took it as Itachi continued explain. "Raito is permanently imbued with lightning release chakra (don't ask me how they did it) which first of all means it boosts lighting jutsu if you can manage to cast them with your off hand, and second of all means it's _really fucking sharp_. I know you're used to fighting with lethal weapons but _please_ don't try and decapitate your teammate with it."

"Got it." Sasuke looked down the length of the blade, using his Sharingan to better analyse its details and dimensions. Then he snorted. "You had _Uchiha clan rulez_ engraved on them?"

Itachi nodded, grinning. "By the same guy that put _big bloody cleaver_ on Zabuzza's sword. Tenten's dad, actually. He was both horrified and in stitches at the prospect."

"We should start a campaign of engraving derogatory nicknames on all the swords."

"Well Samehada is currently held by Kisame and is technically sentient, but sure, aim big." Itachi picked up the other sword and got into position. "Now watch me with the Sharingan. I'm going to run through some of the basic kata, then we're going to start hitting each other."

"We're going to spar with some of the sharpest swords in existence?"

"You're not good enough to hit me and I'm good enough not to hit you."

"That's...fair enough."

Sitting down, Sasuke powered up his eyes, and watched the show.

* * *

Temari let herself in to the Sand Siblings' apartment with a sigh, after a long day of training. Leaf had lent them the place to stay, the Kazekage's name opening plenty of doors. When she walked into the communal room, she paused.

"Gaara?" She asked. "What is...this?"

The host of an incredibly dangerous demonic beast smiled at her from across the room. "It's a fox."

"I...see that." Temari looked down. The animal in the centre of the carpet looked absolutely terrified. Noticing that Gaara's sand had finally drifted away from it, it scampered away; not towards the exits, but to Temari, curling around her legs and shivering.

"It's housetrained." Gaara explained. "I taught it that if it tries to escape it gets hurt."

"That's...nice..." Temari looked towards the rooms other occupant. Kankuro shook his head in silent denial. So this was just Gaara being Gaara, then.

"Is this because of Naruto?" Temari asked. "You know, because it's a fox, and..."

"I didn't think of that, actually." Gaara replied, conversationally. "Although now that I think about it, Shukaku may be pushing me towards related imagery."

"Oh, good." Temari leaned down, awkwardly, and pet the fox. It moved closer to her. "Why, exactly, did you bring a fox home brother?"

"I was trying to think of uses for it other than killing it for my own amusement." Gaara explained. "And I thought you might like it."

"Oh." Temari nodded. "Right. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Smiled Gaara.

"Then I'll just..." Temari gestured. "Take it into my room...?"

"Sure." Gaara replied, noncommittally, and went back to staring out the window. Temari picked up the very limp fox and walked off with it, depositing it on her bed and flopping down next to it. She began staring dead eyed at the wall, trying to figure out what had just happened. Kankuro followed her in soon after.

"Something's fucked up with Gaara." He summarised.

"Yeah no shit." Temari agreed. "This place has done something to him. Do you think it's Uzumaki?"

"He said that the Kyuubi's presence was making Shukaku more restless." Kankuro pointed out. "That doesn't make you adopt a fucking fox. And how did he even train a fox? I didn't even know you could domesticate those."

"It's _Gaara_." Temari reminded him. "And that wasn't what I meant. Naruto's... _nice_ to him. He doesn't notice or doesn't care that Gaara's a complete monster; he tries to make friends with him anyway, and Gaara's actually _responding_ to that."

"My insane little brother's finally getting a hang of things." Kankuro shook his head. "I'd give Naruto a kiss if this wasn't the _worst possible time_ for him to be doing it."

Temari understood what he was insinuating. "Gaara won't defect. We'd know if he stopped following orders because he'd be killing everyone he saw until he met another jinchurikki and they annihilated each other."

"Thats been true so far. But if Naruto gives him a different reason not to kill people..."

Temari gave her brother a searching look. Despite how he sometimes acted, Kankuro was a lot smarter than he looked. "Do we report this to Baki?"

"He would only make it worse if he tried to intervene. I vote we keep it to ourselves." Kankuro reasoned. "Let Gaara learn some empathy over the month, bring Konoha to its knees, then reap the rewards of Naruto's friendship."

"God, you make us sound like the monsters." Temari shivered a little.

"We're ninja. We follow orders." Kankuro reasoned. He pointed at the fox. Temari realised she'd absently been stroking it. "Are you going to get rid of that?"

"And tell Gaara I didn't want his gift? I choose life, thanks." Temari snorted. "Besides, it's actually kinda cute."

"Oh for...you're really going to get attached to it?"

"Fuck off it's a present from my little brother." She pouted and shifted closer to the fox.

Kankuro sighed, and turned away. "I'm going to work on my puppets. You have to figure out how to feed that thing. And I'm not picking up its waste!"

She flagged him off as he left, sighing and turning to her new pet. It blinked up at her. "I'm going to have to think of a name for you."

* * *

 **And so we're onto the third main 'act' of the story. The best act. I should probably mention that the entirety of my 'Part 1' is written now, and will continue to come to you in digestible chunks as I work on shippuden.**

 **So, in summary, everyone is plotting against each other, and Gaara is having doubts. Will those doubts be enough come the finals? Who knows! Well, me, but, whatever.**


	22. Mandatory Christmas Special

**I hope all y'all're ready for a no holds barred**

 **White Eyes: Christmas Special**

 **Cos y'all're about to get one.**

* * *

"All I want for Christmas...iiiiiiis...yoooouuu-"

"WILL YOU BE THE SAVIOUR OF THE BROKEN! DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DU-WHEN I WAS, A YOUNG-"

"Naruto _shut the fuck up_!"

Sasuke dove onto Naruto, tackling him from his position on top of the piano (in what he probably thought was a seductive lounge).

Hinata continued to idly play the keys and sing to herself.

It was Christmas Eve, and team seven had been released from training to go 'enjoy the festivities or whatever, I don't care I have books to read. Jiraiya released a Christmas special and I have my priorities straight'.

"Hey Hinata, I didn't-ngh-know you could play an instrument?" Naruto mentioned, rolling around with Sasuke.

"Sometimes I needed to do something so I didn't have to think, but was too exhausted to train." Hinata explained.

"Edgy." Sasuke remarked, punching.

"Awesome! Can I learn?" Naruto asked, kicking.

"Well, you'd need to spend a lot of time practicing-"

"I have shadow clones," Naruto dismissed, freeing himself from his grapple with Sasuke and jumping up onto the piano stool, having to press incredibly close to Hinata (not that she minded in the slightest.) "I can practice all day and night, with five people at once. Show me the notes, I wanna learn smash mouth."

"Glad to see Hinata's going for some last minute Santa karma." Sasuke remarked, rubbing his wrist and standing up. "Not sure if it counts this close to Christmas Day."

Hinata glowered at nothing in particular. "Sure. Santa. Generous man."

Sasuke gave her a funny look. "You don't get any presents? I mean I understand Naruto because he's naughty all the time, but you always seem polite and stuff."

As one, this two on the piano stool turned round to look at him.

"Sasuke, do you," Naruto looked like he was trying not to laugh. "Do you believe in Santa?"

"What do you mean believe in him? He's real." Sasuke blinked.

Naruto burst into laughter. "He-you-Ahahaha-!"

"Hey, screw you he's real." Sasuke defended. "Hinata back me up. Hinata?"

The Hyuuga girl just looked down at the floor and shook her head, looking like she was desperately suppressing a laugh. "Sasuke, how would Santa possibly deliver presents to all the children? Know exactly what to get them?"

"Duh. He's some really powerful ninja who just wants to help out." Sasuke replied, looking uncertain. "And he only does our village; it never snows in Suna and most of the other villages teach their kids to murder cats."

"Then why doesn't he help the village when it's in danger?" Naruto challenged.

"He doesn't want to hurt people, he just wants to give presents."

"What about all the kids who are total dicks all year but still get presents?"

"Santa is merciful."

"But not to Naruto?"

"I mean he _is_ Naruto."

"Hey, screw you!"

"Sasuke." Hinata sighed. "I have been living alone for the last five years. I do not prank, insult, or hurt anyone. I receive a monthly trust fund. I do not get Christmas presents. Ever."

"I get a card from Iruka-sensei and a card from the old man." Naruto added. "That's it. That's what happens if we don't have parents."

"No, because," Sasuke was looking between them. "Because that would...Santa isn't real?"

His two teammates looked at each other. Looked back.

Naruto started laughing again.

* * *

Tenten looked up from the counter to see who had just entered the shop, and froze.

Sabaku no Gaara walked in, and began to pace the isles.

She tried to contain her panic, unsure whether to be relieved or annoyed it was _her_ manning the shop instead of her civilian father. Gaara, with all the focus of a sniper about to take a shot, was scanning the weapons on display, sand around him twitching in the air. Tenten had seen his fight against Lee, watched him roadblock and eventually overcome one of the strongest genin she knew. The power didn't scare her, she knew there were plenty of jonin and even chunin that could dismantle Lee without much effort. But the way he had done it...his attacks had been oppressive, overwhelming, but never vicious. Gaara had seemed...apathetic. The kind of monster that would kill dozens without even knowing to think he should care. And now he was in her shop. What did he want? He'd never needed weapons before, was he here for her? Not satisfied with Lee, could he be going after the whole team? Had Sai already been sent to the hospital, crushed and bleeding, with sand filling his-

"I'd like to purchase this, please."

"You'll never kill-huh?" Tenten blinked. Gaara had walked up to her counter, and deposited a weapon. "A purchase." He continued. "This is a shop, correct? I do sometimes struggle with societal conventions such as 'signs'."

"No, yes, we are a...Th-that?" She looked down.

It was _technically_ a war fan.

"Indeed." Gaara nodded. "I think my sister would like it."

"But it's..." Tenten knew it wasn't sensible to try and deny the demon, but, "It's pink. I, I made it as a joke three years ago-"

"It is of impeccable quality. And pink is Temari's favourite colour." Gaara reasoned.

"I..." Tenten shook her head and gave up. "Cash or credit?"

* * *

Itachi was sat in the Uchiha's other living room when Sasuke kicked the door down.

"Itachi!" Sasuke shouted, panting.

"Sasuke." Itachi replied.

"Santa." Sasuke accused.

"Santa." Itachi agreed.

There was a pause.

Itachi looked at Sasuke.

Sasuke looked at Itachi.

Itachi snorted.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

"I can't _believe_ it took you this long-"

"I am THIRTEEN!"

"I know! This has got to be a record!"

"You suck!" Sasuke jumped on him. "Naruto and Hinata are in the other room laughing their asses off!"

"I've been changing what I said he was like every single year, how did you not notice?"

"That's it! I'm massacring the Uchiha clan!"

In another room, Fugaku looked across at Mikoto with a frown. She shrugged, smiling, and went back to her wrapping.

* * *

 **Later that night**

"We really doing this?" Sasuke hissed, tightening the straps on his bag as he ran across the rooftops. "It kinda feels like invading her privacy."

Naruto looked across at him with a grin. "What, like Santa did every christmas?"

"You shut up."

"Look, Hinata doesn't get presents." Naruto pointed out. "Period. And I'm not having it. Now I have actual money I've been sending stuff to all my other friends, but I thought you two were sorted, being rich, so I didnt bother, but if she _isn't_ , it needs emergency last minute measures."

Sasuke gave him a funny look. "Like breaking into her house?"

 _"Emergency_ last minute measures."

They came up to the Hyuuga compound. All it's walls and gates were decorative at best (not much point in terrestrial defences against _ninja_ ), it was trivial to enter the grounds, and from there, the main house.

"She doesn't even lock her doors..." Naruto remarked, before creeping into the living room. "Oh damn, she doesn't even have a _tree_."

"Sure she does." Whispered Sasuke, getting into it. "I think I saw a pine or two in her gardens."

Naruto grinned. "Oh that's naughty. I _like_ it."

" _Ahem_."

They both froze. Then turned. Forsooth, one of Hinata's owls, was perched up above her fireplace, watching them. "Yooou know, I have been instructed by my lady to alert her if there are any intruders to her compound while she is sleeping." It mentioned. Then it clicked its beak. "But this place is so drab and boring, frankly Spartan, and I disapproooove. Not to mention, I don't believe my lady has been _pleasantly_ surprised in over five years." He turned his head 180 degrees so it was facing the wall. "Dooo try to limit the chaos, if yooou would."

Naruto exhaled. Then looked at Sasuke.

Sasuke chucked him a coin pouch. "Send out some shadow clones, buy some tinsel and baubles."

"How much tinsel?"

The Uchiha grinned. " _Too_ much."

"Oh yes _sir_."

"And I'll go find a suitable tree to cut down."

"Check if there's any bugs or mice you can give to Forsooth!"

"Ooh, good shout. Now I don't know where I can find a _reindeer_ , but hear me out..."

* * *

 **Christmas Day**

Hinata awoke. "Report."

"There were zero hostile intruuuders during your sleep, ma'am." Forsooth reported, sat dutifully at her bedside. "May I dispel? Celebrations are occurring at the angel mountains, and I'd rather not miss them."

"Sage creatures celebrate Christmas?" Hinata asked, sitting up in bed and stretching.

"Our cultures do tend to mimic huuuman culture." Forsooth admitted. "If yooou'd like I could give yooou a history lesson on-"

"It's fine." She got out of bed. "You go home to your family."

Forsooth didn't wince as much as he normally would at a statement like that. "Thank you. Merry Christmas, lady Hinata."

"Merry Christmas, Forsooth."

"...And please put some clothes on."

"Nobody is watching and pyjamas are uncomfortable!"

Forsooth sighed, and vanished.

Hinata shook her head, walking along the corridor down to her kitchen and idly making the hand seals for the Byakugan. It took effect when she reached the balcony above her living room, vision spreading to encompass her entire compound and-

What.

Her jaw dropped.

First of all, the sacred pine tree (tended for five generations) had been neatly cut at the base and buried in the hole that had apparently been made in her floor.

It was covered in tinsel and baubles, in fact there was tinsel _everywhere_ , stretched along the ceiling, the mantelpiece, spiderwebbing the walls. There was a brown Labrador laying on the floor with a pair of reindeer ears fastened to its head, and red paint on its nose. There were about three packages of mince pies and carrots strewn about the floor, empty. It looked like they'd been eaten by the dog.

Filled with morbid curiosity more than anything else, Hinata walked through the chaos and crouched before the tree, where four small wrapped boxes awaited her, in orange purple, white and blue.

One contained a letter from Sasuke, and a signed copy of '15 reasons why the Byakugan can go fuck itself' by Madara Uchiha.

One contained the novel 'flight of the Owls' from...Itachi? Alright. Kakashi had sent her one of Jiraiya's works (gutsy something or other) because of course he had...although the main character in this one was called Naruto, so maybe it deserved a read.

Naruto himself...he'd gotten her a hat. It was one of the really big fluffy ones with the pom-poms dangling from either side and 'I 3 Konoha' on it in capital letters. Inside his letter, he explained that he thought she should have something to go with her trademark coat. It couldn't have been more than three ryo at one of the Christmas markets.

It was perfect.

Hinata leaned back onto her haunches and shook her head, cradling the presents. There were tears in her eyes.

* * *

With a single controlled wingbeat, Forsooth glided down to one of the planetoids in the Angel Mountains. "Goood morning, Kuuudos."

"Uncle Forsooth!" The young owl turned to him and hopped over, trying his best to orient himself for a hug. "Merry Christmas! I didn't think you'd make it!"

"Merry Christmas, nephew. and did yooou think I'd miss it?" Forsooth chuckled, reaching into his feathers. "In fact I brought yooou a present."

Kudos' eyes widened. "Really! From the humans?"

Forsooth nodded, pulling out a wrapped package and putting it down. "From Lady Hinata's team, in fact."

Kudos tore into the package, and gasped. "A dead mouse! They know me so well!"

* * *

The Uchiha compound was alive. Children running through the streets, throwing snowballs, parents pretending they hadn't considered taking over the village a few years ago, everyone having fun. Even in the clan head's house, Sasuke was having a better time than usual. "It's nicer when I know it's from you." He'd told his parents, with a smile. Itachi had, predictably gotten a card from his younger brother, in which Sasuke had apologised that he had no idea what Itachi could possibly want that Sasuke could give. He had them quoted Naruto, who had once said that 'there's no such thing as too many explosive tags' and included one of those in the card. He had even set it to go off, which Itachi had congratulated him on after disarming it.

Less predictably, however, was the small package Itachi had found on his bedside table, that had managed to get there without him noticing it. Encoded inside was the message:

 _Sup Itachi._

 _Merry Christmas! You will not believe the shit I went to to get a shadow clone into this village. You will find enclosed my present to you, a signed copy of '15 reasons why the Sharingan can go fuck itself' by Hashirama Senju. You're welcome. As you so thoughtlessly neglected to get me one, I took the liberty of stealing your favourite book. As it's been a while, I forgot exactly where you kept it, so you may find that I have completely reshuffled your entire bookshelf._

 _Funny that._

 _Catch you when I'm in town next month,_

 _You know who._

 _P.S: I also took the liberty of giving Hinata my gift under your name. Sorry about that._

Itachi had chuckled, burned the letter, and gone about with his morning.

* * *

Temari lovingly stroked her hands across her Christmas present. "It's perfect." She whispered.

Gaara smiled.

Kankuro didn't say anything, but he was inspecting his new poison set with similar enthusiasm.

* * *

Haku woke up to find a letter from Naruto and a mini keychain version of Kubikiribocho. He squealed.

* * *

Naruto woke up far too late, stifling a yawn. Lie-ins were rare enough that he had no issues taking as much advantage as he could of this one. Bleary eyed, he shifted out of bed, moving towards his bathroom for a morning leak-

At which point he tripped up. Sprawled out on the floor, rubbing his head, he looked up to see what the hell he had tripped on; he was certain he hadn't left _that_ many ramen boxes out...

His jaw dropped.

His room was _awash_ with presents.

Boxes, cards, bags, packages, _dozens_ of the things.

Of course there was the card from Iruka, but the Hokage had got him a box that was (upon closer inspection) full of some _awesomecool_ three pronged kunai.

Sasuke had got him a book on Uzumaki heritage. Hinata had got him a...really _familiar_ scarf. But there was also something from Kakashi, from Jiraiya, from Haku. His classmates as well; Ino-Shika-Cho, Tenten Lee and Sai, Kiba, Shino, _Sakura_. There was even a big box that, from the stamp, had come all the way from _Wave_ , with thanks from Inari and his family. It contained a 'sample' of Wave's trade goods that Naruto was encouraged to share amongst all his friends to build publicity.

And there were apologies in the cards; people sending in their seasonal greetings with addendum's like 'I was only nasty to you because my parents told me to, but now I know why... it's just dumb. So I'm gonna stop that.' Or 'there's no way the nine tailed fox would clean my gardens with such...gusto. So I'm sorry for treating you like it.' Or 'you're not as much of an asshole as I thought you were.'

About seven cards in, Naruto dropped them from lifeless fingers, and went back to staring out at the massive collection of gifts.

Presents.

People had gotten him presents.

People _cared_.

He flopped down on his back, and didn't even try to stop the tears.

* * *

 **So, that happened. I'm sorry, I was ahead of schedule and couldn't help myself. This won't affect your regularly scheduled insanity, though, so don't worry.**

 **Can this be canon? I'd like this to be canon. I know the official timeline has the series starting in like July but the official timeline is more contradictory and confused than an (Insert political party/Controversial individual/Change group) in a (insert chaotic/strange place).**

 **So if I want the adventure to start at regular western school start (september) this becomes pretty plausible.**

 **Or ignore it. Whatever.**

 **See you Saturday for the thrilling continuation of 'a month of grinding'**


	23. Training Montage 4: Haku is Fine

**Training montage #4: Haku is perfectly fine**

* * *

The month continued.

* * *

"So that's ten nirnroot leaves over five days, one in the morning and one before bed. If the headaches stop partway through continue to take the medicine; but if they're still there by the end don't hesitate to let us know."

The teenager across the counter picked up his prescription and smiled warmly. "Thanks a lot. Hey, when do you get off shift? I wouldn't mind meeting and hanging out sometime."

Haku blushed and shook his head, smiling apologetically. "Sorry, but I'm not interested in that sort of thing right now. Please, have a nice day."

The guy shrugged good-naturedly and walked towards the door.

This was not the first event of its type to happen in the past few weeks, or even days. Zabuzza had remarked, once or twice, that Haku looked like a girl (and it still stung to think about his old master) but he hadn't thought he looked like an _attractive_ one.

He looked up to scan the shelves around him, and spotted a very familiar face. "Naruto?"

The blond looked up, saw him, and smiled. "Haku!"

Haku had already leapfrogged his counter before the ban on indoor parkour crossed his mind, running across and enveloping Naruto in a hug.

The teenager at the doorway gave him a dirty look before leaving.

"Good to see you too." Naruto got out through clenched teeth. "You can, uh, let go now."

"Sorry!" Haku released his death grip, patting down his apron. "It's just been a while. What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you!" Naruto laughed. "What are you doing here?"

"Working." Haku explained. "This is my job."

"You work in a shop?" Naruto wrinkled his nose up. "I thought you'd be out there being the coolest ninja around. Except my team, obviously."

"It's a pharmacy." Haku corrected. "And they didn't exactly trust me with missions for the village; I _was_ a missing-nin. But this is linked to the ninja hospital. The way things are going they'll take me on as a medic-nin pretty soon, and eventually they might let me take the chunin exams, become a legal Konoha ninja." He chuckled to himself. "But I'm still being followed daily. They can't seem to decide whether to throw me in a jail cell or throw me at a crowd of girls."

Naruto blinked, clearly not understanding.

"I have a bloodline limit." Haku extrapolated. "Like your teammates. It's how I'm able to combine water and wind release into ice release, and it's _very_ valuable." He smiled wryly. "My previous master's sword wasn't the only trophy you stole from Mist that day. If they restart the Yuki clan in leaf, that's another superpower to add to their armed forces. But that would mean I'd have to..." he made a finger motion.

"Ew." Naruto surmised.

"Indeed. So, why did you come to see me? I...had hoped that if this were a social call you would have come sooner." He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice. He failed.

Naruto scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, that's the thing. I was going to go see you as soon as I could but they told me it would be, like, bad for you? I don't know what it was, they said some stuff I didn't really understand about 'Stockholm syndrome' and 'dependance' and basically banned me from seeing you."

"Oh. Right." Haku winced. "I promise I'm not that bad-"

"They actually told me you asked about me like three times a day for the first month, and had five, (six?), six separate breakdowns," Naruto continued, oblivious, "which, if I'd known, I would have come to see you sooner, but whatever right?"

"Ahaha, right." Haku couldn't meet his eyes. "That...doesn't bother you?"

Naruto laughed. "You aren't even the craziest ninja I've met _today_. Don't worry about it."

"Right." Haku felt a weight lift off his chest and smiled. "So what made them let you come here? They've doubled my patrol for today, so I assume you didn't just break the rules."

"No I asked Kakashi and he said he'd sort it out with the old man. Basically..." Naruto paused for a moment, then fell to his knees. "Please train me!"

"...eh?" Haku replied, eloquently.

"You know how to use wind release, right?" Naruto asked. "Hinata said that you used it against her in the woods. I...really need a teacher. Barely anyone in the fire country actually uses wind, 'cept gramps of course, but he's too busy. I thought the only option was Temari, but she's the sister of the person I'm supposed to fight, and then I remembered you!"

Haku was genuinely shocked. "Yes I have an affinity for it, and I do know a few strong wind jutsu, but... _I'm_ your best option? Will the Hokage even agree to this?"

"I guess if it's not allowed they'll stop us." Naruto paused.

Neither the two jonin tailing Haku or the pair following Naruto moved from their hiding spots.

"That's that then. So?" Naruto asked him.

Haku shook his head in disbelief, before smiling at the still kneeling Naruto. "Sure. I'd love to. Now get off the floor; it's _weird_ seeing you like that. Hot, but weird."

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

Kankuro idly moved one of his pieces. "So how can I be sure you won't just possess me and start playing the game for me?"

Across from him, Shikimaru moved one of his own pieces, seemingly at random. "You're thinking of Ino. I can move you, but you'll know it's happening. I've been told it's painful."

Kankuro raised an eyebrow, even as he tried to decipher his opponent's maddening strategy. The Nara had foregone all traditional methods of properly playing shogi, in favour of seemingly moving whatever he felt like in no particular order. "Aren't you afraid of giving away information?"

Shikimaru shrugged. He had challenged Kankuro to the game in the first place, but was being oddly reticent. "I fought your sister, and I had to give away most of my usual tricks to pull that win off. You already know all the practical applications of my clan techniques."

"You don't seem worried." Kankuro moved another piece.

"Not about the fight, no." Shikimaru replied.

Kankuro reacted with carefully concocted confusion. _He's probably just smack-talking. He doesn't know anything._

"It's funny." Shikimaru continued. "My friends wont stop talking about these exams. It's filled their heads. People always struggle to stay objective at times like this. They don't just _want_ me to give it my all, they expect it. Any other uses for all that effort and chakra don't even factor into their minds."

"Do you expect to need your energy for something else?" Kankuro asked, carefully.

"Do you?" Shikimaru countered.

 _Still might just be smack talk. No reason to get suspicious._

"I see your point." Kankuro replied, continuing the game. "I'm only really here to escort my brother and sister. If you want I could forfeit? Give you a free pass?" He finally spotted it. Shikimaru's apparently random movements had been setting up a trap. Kankuro smugly moved to dismantle it.

"Thanks, but that would still leave me fighting either Hinata or Sasuke." Shikimaru replied. "I've got this bad feeling about the second day."

 _...okay, he might know something._

"Naruto's fight?" Kankuro replied, sweating under his black clothing. "I get it Konoha isn't too fond of the nine tails."

"...Sure. Something like that."

 _Fuck he definitely knows something._

"What do you think you'll be able to do, anyway?" Kankuro tried not to sound threatening. "There isn't much a regular ninja can do against a tailed beast."

"There's more than one way to skin a tanooki." Shikimaru replied with a smile, and wasn't _that_ a suspicious alteration on the phrase. "I win in four turns."

Kankuro looked down at the board. Frowned. Played back the moves in his head, then went pale. The sneaky shit, he had...how had he even...

Kankuro looked up. Shikimaru still had that lazy smile on his face.

"I guess I lose then." He stood up hurriedly. "I hope you're this interesting to fight in our real match."

"We'll see, I suppose." Shikimaru started clearing up the game pieces.

Kankuro internally marked him for assassination, smiled, and left. _Quickly_.

* * *

Hinata finished her warmup with Gai.

"Spectacular as always, my young pupil! Are you ready to begin the _real_ training?"

"Actually, Sensei..." Hinata had been thinking about how to broach this subject for a while. "I was wondering if there was something else you could teach me."

Gai laughed and made a humble hand wave. "I'm afraid that most of my skills lie in taijutsu and physical training. If you think you need other techniques, you'd be best off returning to Kakashi."

"That's not it." Hinata shuffled. "I meant...the gates."

"I see." Gai's face went solemn. "I would not usually teach those to any genin. While the training to prepare for it should be undertaken early, attempting to actually open them should not be done until one's body has matured."

"You taught Lee." Hinata pointed out.

"Lee is an exception." Gai sighed. For the first time, it seemed like he was dropping his persona. "He is...well, he hates the phrase 'disabled', but it isn't inaccurate. His chakra coils are stunted. He is not just untalented at ninjutsu and genjutsu, they are completely beyond him. The gates are his only means of progress." He gestured for Hinata to sit and did so himself. "The eight gates are eight chakra points along your network that limit your body to prevent self-destruction. Their power is great, yes. Many ninja have said that opening the eighth gate increases your power by a hundredfold. This is an underestimation."

Hinata gulped.

"Even the first gate, the gate of opening, allows you to use 100% of your muscles' power rather than 20%, and they are exponentially stronger over time. However, every gate has its dangers. They push your body beyond what it is supposed to accomplish, Hinata. The first can be used by a young, fit individual with no damage other than soreness. But the fourth will leave you immobile for hours. The sixth; days. The seventh risks permanently crippling your body anytime you use it, and the eighth _will_ kill you. Just as it killed my father."

Hinata looked him dead in the eyes. "I've sparred with Lee. Opening the gates unblocks tenketsu."

Gai grimaced.

"I understand the dangers of using them. But surely there can be no harm in _having_ them? Having _one_? I am not one for unnecessary shows of power, Sensei. Being crippled and winning is better than being killed."

"That may be so, but perhaps it will give you greater confidence in your abilities." Gai shot back, deadly serious. "Perhaps you will take on conflicts that you would originally never have dared to, fights you are not ready for. Like a man attacking the seven deadly swordsmen of the Mist as a genin! Placing your life in a technique that tears your body apart is not a wise course!"

Hinata grit her teeth. "I know what it's like to lose a loved one, Sensei." She reminded him. "But your father died a hero. Mine was slaughtered in his bed. How many lives would have been lost if Dai hadn't had that power? What might have happened if Hyuuga Haishi _had_?"

Gai looked at her sternly for a few seconds. Then he relaxed. "That is the issue, Hinata. A few days ago I asked you to understand your overarching motivations. Eventually, you admitted your goal was to defeat your brother. But there is a deeper level to even that." He leaned in closer. "Do you want justice? Or do you want revenge?"

He leaned back and put up a hand as she began to speak. "Don't answer. The truth of your desires is for you alone to understand. Just as your life is yours to live, and if you so choose, yours to _give_. But I will not teach you this power if you intend to take it down a path of rage and death."

Hinata looked to the floor. "Lee has a rule. He will never open the gates except in defense of his ninja way."

Gai nodded, silently.

Hinata looked up, and spoke. "In my life, I will fight. Probably many, many times. I will fight for many reasons; for my friends, for my country, for myself, and I'm sure sometimes I will fight without even knowing why. Sometimes I will fight certain of victory, but most of the time in the murky realm of probability and doubt. And sometimes I will be forced to fight an opponent who I believe is beyond me. And when I look down the paths of the consequences of defeat, and see that the world will suffer for it...then and only then will I open the gates. This I swear, on my heart and on my name."

The wind whistled through the clearing.

Gai looked at her, long and hard. "One month is too short for most to even learn the basics."

"Tenketsu are my specialty." She replied.

Gai stood up. "Your vow is satisfactory. Hinata, I will teach you of the eight gates. One day, I hope you prove that promise true."

* * *

"Good morning Lee." Said the pretty nurse, walking into the room with a smile. "How does the leg feel?"

Lee gave her a thumbs up and a grin. "Intense pain, miss! But I push through!"

"I'm a-sure, that's good." The nurse seemed to grapple with something, before sighing. "Have you done your stretches this morning?"

"Indeed! I have gone through the stretches three times in order to triple the improvement rate!"

"That's not how...you know what? Great!" The nurse looked to the doorway and leaned in, glint in her eye. "And what about the exercises _I_ suggested?"

"Those were harder, but seem to have had more of an effect!" Lee replied. "Why did you prescribe a different workout?"

"Because most of these doctors, for all their much touted experience, have no idea what they're talking about." The nurse bit out, before muttering to herself, "They can survive five weeks in the wilderness with a broken leg and _then_ tell me my methods are 'brutal' and 'violate safety protocols.'"

Lee nodded enthusiastically. "I also enjoy ignoring what people consider medically ethical! Thank you for your expertise, miss nurse!"

"No problem." She smiled. "And call me Haku. Please."

Lee was about to respond when suddenly Haku was gone, blurring so fast he hardly saw it. In a moment she was stood by the foot of his bed, and since when had she had senbon in her hands? Then he looked at the doorway, and gulped.

"Good morning." Said the monster, with a smile.

Gaara did not radiate killing intent, period. But there was something about him that set on edge anyone in his presence, as it clearly had Haku. Lee hadn't noticed it, at first, until he had had to fight the sand genin. He glared and tried to push himself to his feet. "Have you come to finish what you started? You'll find I am not as infirm as I look!"

"If you try to attack my patient." Haku warned. "You'll find _he_ is the least of your worries."

"Not at all." Gaara didn't even seem to notice their aggression. "I came to wish this one a fast recovery."

"...huh?" Lee blinked.

"You were a powerful opponent." Gaara continued. "And it would be good to test myself against you again. I came to remind you that you must grow stronger until you are able to fight me again, and perhaps then I will tear your insides out. Naruto was not clear on what happened after the rematch."

Lee's training only left him with one response to that. "Very well! I will overcome all adversity to become the strongest taijutsu master in ninja history, and then I shall defeat you!"

"Good." Gaara replied. "I would also like to remind you that should your village be hypothetically obliterated, you must survive that for the rematch to occur. Goodbye." He turned away.

"You know Naruto?" Haku asked him as he was leaving.

"It seems like everyone important knows Naruto." Mused Gaara. "You interest me too, child of ice. We should try to kill each other sometime. I believe it will be beneficial." With that, he left.

"...I need to stop being surprised by weird people." Haku sighed to herself, hiding her senbon.

* * *

"You wanted to see me Sensei?" Sasuke asked, walking into the clearing.

"Yes I did." Said Kakashi, snapping his orange book closed. "I know I said that I have to be impartial, but really, you're my favourite."

"Really." Sasuke deadpanned.

"Really!" Kakashi defended. "Here, watch, I've got a kickass new lightning jutsu I can show you to prove it-"

* * *

"You wanted to see me Sensei?" Hinata asked, walking into the clearing.

"Yes I did." Said Kakashi, snapping his orange book closed. "I know I said that I have to be impartial, but really, you're my favourite."

"Really." Hinata deadpanned.

"Really!" Kakashi defended. "Here, watch, I've got a kickass new lightning jutsu I can show you to prove it-"

* * *

Dinner had just finished in the Uchiha household, and it's patriarch had been silent throughout the entire meal. "Sasuke." He said, eventually. "A word alone."

Sasuke nodded and handed his plate off to his mother with a smile, sitting back down. His father waited a moment before adding, " _Alone_ , Itachi." Sasuke looked behind to see his older brother lounging in the doorway, though he glared and left at Fugaku's urging.

Sasuke's father looked at him from across the table. "Your first battle is tomorrow."

"Yes, father."

"I look forward to witnessing it."

"You're...coming to watch?"

"Of course. My son's ascension to chunin isn't something I'd miss."

Sasuke's heart soared. "I...thank you. I promise I'll make you proud."

"Of course." Fugaku replied. "I understand you are facing the Hyuuga heiress."

"Yes."

"Your teammate."

"Yes." Sasuke tried to figure out where this was going.

"Your mother convinced me that having her on your team would spark rivalry and convince you to better yourself, and I am glad to see it has succeeded." Fugaku continued. "However, it must now end."

"It...what?"

"Even if you both are promoted, your team will be officially dismantled. That girl is no longer your teammate. She is your enemy, and must be treated as such."

"...I understand, father."

For once, Fugaku smiled. It was a hard smile. "I know you do. Make me proud, son."

In the other room, Itachi was glaring furiously at a family portrait. With a flick of his will, it 'accidentally' caught on fire.

* * *

 **Le plot thickens.**

 **I should probably mention that no, Itachi did not just Amaterasu a picture. It was a regular fire jutsu.**

 **People are getting new powers, Kankuro and Shikimaru are both getting suspicious, and Haku is still best boy. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about him.**

 **Next chapter...well, it's the fight you've all been waiting for.**

 **White vs Red, Owl vs...hawk? Sasuke doesn't know any summoning-**

 **It's Hinata vs Sasuke, guys.**

 **Place your bets in the reviews as to who wins!**


	24. Who's The Edgiest Of Them All? Part 2

**Rules of the fight: author gets to write from whoever's perspective he wants whenever he wants, author get's to say whoever's thoughts he wants. This stuff is hard, and you do not want line breaks from me every other sentence. Fuck third person limited.**

 **Some of you seem to think it's going to be a draw. Come on, guys. I'm not going to cop out that much. Hehehehe...**

* * *

 **Who's the Edgiest of them all, #2**

The Hyuuga hadn't expected the crowd.

"I hadn't expected the crowd."

Itachi smiled from across from him. "It's the finals, Neji."

"There were less people in my other matches. People are more excited to watch this fight, it seems."

"We've both been crushing the competition up to now." Itachi noted. "This is probably the only match that's going to take more than twenty seconds."

"Assuming I let you last that long." Neji pointed out.

"I know we're working on your sense of humour, but now isn't the best time for jokes." Itachi dug back.

"Are both contestants ready?" Asked the proctor.

Both nodded.

"Lets make this a fun one." Itachi decided.

Neji smiled back. "Give the audience a show."

"Begin!"

"Great fireball jutsu!"

"Rotation!"

* * *

Hinata hadn't expected the crowd.

"I hadn't expected the crowd." She mentioned.

"Did I not get across that this was the event of the year?" Chuckled Gekko, leading her and Sasuke into the centre of the arena. "The money changing hands...you two better not be accepting bribes, because if anyone gets caught there's going to be riots."

Their competitors, teams and jonin-Sensei were in a lowered area of the stands closer to the match; there sat Naruto, Jiraiya, Gai and Kakashi.

"Last chance to make a bet." Jiraiya reminded Naruto.

"I'm not betting against my teammates." Naruto dismissed. "Why is it even such a big deal?"

"Prominent ninja clans, same age, obviously rivals...yeah, the odds are all over the place." Kakashi summarised.

"And their dojutsu are an interesting matchup?" Naruto guessed.

Kakashi blinked at him. "Dojutsu? Oh, you mean the _fight_. No I was talking about the bets on who will end up dating who."

" _What?_ "

"The gambling is getting heated among the jonin-sensei and the ANBU." Chuckled Jiraiya. "The smart money is on you and Hinata, given that she's been stalking you for years, but a lot of people think she's going to get with Sasuke, because of what Kakashi just said. The next most popular is that you and _Sasuke_ are going to get together-"

" _Stop It..._ "

Up in the important peoples' box, the best seats were occupied by the Hokage and the Kazekage, both making the kage equivalent of idle chatter (insults, subtle threats that concealed even subtler threats, and the occasional thrown kunai). Itachi was statuesque behind the Hokage's shoulder, head of his personal security. Hiruzen had offered to let him watch this match with his family. He had politely refused.

Down in the centre of the arena, Hinata squared off against Sasuke. "I know we said we were going to be civil about this, but I'm afraid I absolutely have to win. Family reasons."

Sasuke nodded across from her. "It's okay. Turns out I absolutely cannot lose, either. Family reasons."

"Then it seems we are at an impasse." She got into stance.

Gekko coughed to get their attention. "Alright, rules are the same as for the preliminaries. You fight until your opponent is dead, unconscious, is otherwise at your mercy, or forfeits. The match isn't over until I say it's over, but when I say it's over, _it's over_. Losing control of yourself afterwards...well, it looks bad. Other than that, may the best ninja win."

"Thanks." Said both contestants at once. "I will."

Gekko rolled his eyes. He looked up to the Hokage's box, and got a nod from the red hat. Then he he'd his harm straight out forwards. "Alright then. If both combatants are ready..." they both nodded. He swept his hand down. "Begin!"

* * *

Neither had even bothered with training seals that day. They blitzed towards each other. Sasuke palmed a storage scroll right as they were about to collide, making a puff of smoke about his torso. There was a glint.

Hinata threw her upper body backwards as the blade swung over her head, then span in place as it stabbed down. ("I told him _not_ to try and behead her." Murmured Itachi from the Hokage's left) Hinata cartwheeled away from its edge before jumping back to get some distance between her and Sasuke. Then she scowled. "Cheap move."

Sasuke readied Raito and grinned. "We're ninja."

"Fair enough."

Both pairs of eyes narrowed.

"Sharingan!"

"Byakugan!"

Their dojutsu flared to life.

In the stands, Naruto prepared to watch the most dramatic fight of the exams so far.

* * *

Thirty seconds later, the most dramatic fight of the exams so far hadn't started yet.

"Uh..." Naruto glanced sideways.

"Genjutsu battle." Kakashi explained. He had revealed his Sharingan, and was watching the two children standing still quite intently. "Sasuke's Sharingan means his illusions and hypnosis are much stronger if he can make eye contact, and Hinata's too proud to look away."

"Like when he made Tenten fall asleep?"

"Precisely. But Hinata's Byakugan can see the chakra, so she knows exactly what he's doing and is perfectly equipped to stop it."

"Sounds interesting."

"It is."

"I was being sarcastic. When does it finish?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Give them a few more seconds, they'll realise they're wasting time."

A few more seconds passed, and the most dramatic fight of the exams so far was back on. They clashed in the centre, both dodging warily around each other's strikes. Then Hinata put a palm out towards Sasuke's incoming sword, and _blocked_ it. Using a carefully controlled burst of chakra, she was able to nullify the lightning release chakra in the blade and blunt it. She gripped it and threw her other palm forwards, but Sasuke ducked it and twisted his sword free of her grip, swinging again towards her shoulder. The pace of the duel increased as the distance between the pair shrank, now much more comfortable pummelling into each other. Chakra clashed as the sword struck Hinata's hands, and as Sasuke got much more comfortable using his offhand to try and keep her off balance. Dust was kicked up between them as they fell into a twisting, dancing mess. She swept, and he jumped, and then he was slamming his sword down onto her. She caught the flat of the blade and for a moment held Sasuke's weight on top of herself. Then she heaved, and with another blast of chakra sent him hurtling up and away. He sheared the sword midair and flashed through hand seals, bringing his fingers up to his mouth. "Great fireball jutsu!"

The sphere of flame launched towards Hinata. She shifted her stance slightly. "Eight trigrams; Rotation!"

She turned, and the spinning blue dome appeared around her just as the fireball hit. It impacted with a roar and was swept into the rotation, resulting in a massive fire-whirl that extended upwards over fifty metres into the sky. The crowd 'ooh'ed.

Sasuke landed outside the cyclone, knowing damn well Hinata could see everything he was doing, and started making a long string of hand seals. _Just because you can see it coming doesn't mean you can stop it._

A strange chirping noise filled the arena.

The rotation ended and the fire whirl dispersed, to reveal Hinata making her own set of hand seals with a shocked expression. Sasuke blitzed towards her, a blade of lightning extending from his hand.

Hinata jumped, finishing her hand signs, and lightning chakra began to form in _her_ hand as well. Sasuke angled his strike upwards. Hinata twisted and struck down.

Both Chidori slammed into their target's bodies.

Both shadow clones dispelled.

The real Sasuke and Hinata walked towards each other, both genuinely surprised.

"He taught you the _Chidori_ _?_ " Sasuke shouted.

"He taught _you_ the Chidori?" Hinata yelled

"He taught them the _Chidori_?" Itachi exclaimed.

"You taught them the _Chidori_?" Jiraiya gaped at Kakashi, who shrugged. "An A rank assassination jutsu? That's...that's like me teaching Naruto the rasengan!"

"Incredibly irresponsible and a terrible idea?" Kakashi dryly responded.

"Exactly!" Jiraiya shouted. "And now I'm going to have to _do that_ just to avoid being outdone!"

In the arena, the fight was moving again. Both had gotten their shadow clones' remaining chakra back, but given the immense cost of the 'thousand birds' that refund was pittance. Sasuke's chakra reserves were around half now, and he knew Hinata's must be about the same. He resolved to try and conserve what he had left, darting in with his sword.

Hinata apparently had decided no such thing. There was a burst of smoke, and then an owl at least twice Sasuke's height was stood in front of him. He stabbed Raito flat down into the ground just as a massive gust of wind tore through the arena. Sasuke gripped onto his blade's hilt and saved himself being thrown bodily across the floor, but was helpless to stop Hinata leaping on top of the owl.

"This boy is not your enemy." It cautioned her.

"No." She told it. "But he is in my way."

"Drama queen." It huffed, but said no more, spreading its wingspan and taking off.

From the floor Sasuke grimaced, and began to throw an inordinate amount of shuriken at the flying menace. Making the most of his Sharingan assisted trajectory calculation, he had ninja stars bouncing off each other to hit the bird from just about any angle. Hinata made the most of her own dojutsu and her tree-walking expertise (her chakra control put even _his_ to shame) and clambered around her mount, striking away every single projectile he sent towards her. The owl paused in midair to put its claws together, and a cluster of white arcs hurtled down towards Sasuke. The summon, it seemed, had mastered the important wind style technique of making the air _really fucking sharp_. He ran, the blades tearing up the concrete beneath him and launching dust and rocks up into the air. At which moment he realised two unrelated things:

1: that dust would do nothing to hide him from her and

2: she couldn't use the rotation technique while she was on the owl, or it would ruin it's flying.

Grinning, he formed some more seals.

"Phoenix fire jutsu!"

A rapid series of smaller fireballs blasted up towards Hinata, and her owl was forced to make some evasive manoeuvres as it came under (quite literally, hehe) anti-air fire.

"We may need to adjust our strategy." It hooted.

"I have an idea." Hinata told it. "Dive."

"Of all the foolish, overconfident summoners-"

It obeyed, tucking its wings in and diving straight towards the floor as Hinata explained the rest of her 'plan'. Pulling up, it ended up gliding barely across the floor, and Sasuke was faced with a very angry looking bird blitzing straight towards him with an even angrier looking Hyuuga riding it, who had just finished gathering what his Sharingan helpfully informed him was lightning release chakra.

He held firm, and put his hand on his sword.

"Thudershock jutsu!" She shouted, launching a bolt of electricity towards him. It was a stunning technique, not a lethal one, meant to keep him from moving while the owl hit him. But move he did. He drew Raito and caught the bolt on the blade; it reacted with the lightning chakra in the sword and intensified, just in time for him to twist and swing. Blue light crackled along the sword as he hurled a wave of electricity at his attackers. Hinata jumped off in time to avoid it, but the owl screeched as the lightning stunned it, causing it to crash into a slide along the ground. Hinata's leftover momentum sent her flying forwards and Sasuke was able to land a double kick to her midriff, knocking her away and propelling himself towards the owl, which he landed on and stabbed through the skull as it came to a stop. It desummoned, and he sheathed his sword on his way to the floor. Hinata got to her feet.

"That." Sasuke said, breathing heavily. "Was the coolest thing I've ever done."

* * *

Hinata glared at him. She was hurt, not injured, but her chakra reserves were low. She could manage perhaps one more chidori before falling unconscious, or only a handful of rotations. Her primary attack strategy didn't require much in the way of chakra, allowing her to spend it in large chunks without much worry, but since Sasuke had found a counter to the gentle fist...Her annoyance was building.

"Surrender." She called across to him.

"Not a chance." He called back.

She growled and tensed.

At this rate, she was probably going to lose. If she lost, she probably wouldn't be promoted to chunin. If she wasn't promoted, she'd have to wait another six months to try again, to get access to her family's secrets and to higher difficulty missions. People might get hurt because she wasn't there to help them. Neji certainly wouldn't die as early. And if she was forced to stay behind as Naruto was promoted...

So to summarise, if she lost this battle, the world would suffer. That fulfilled her vow, didn't it?

Looking deep inside herself, she mentally gripped a certain one of her tenketsu.

"First gate! The gate of opening!" She shouted. "Open!"

* * *

"He taught you the _gates?_ " Sasuke shouted.

"He taught her the _gates_?" Itachi muttered.

Kakashi gaped at the arena as chakra swirled about his student before rounding on Gai. "You taught Hinata the _gates_?"

"She was very insistent." Gai defended himself, grimly, before bursting into enthusiasm. "And incredibly talented! Learning to open even the first gate in under a month? It's an amazing display!"

"What he said! This is awesome!" Naruto was leaning as far as he could over the bars without destabilising.

In the arena, Sasuke had figuratively shit himself. He had considered attacking Hinata while she was charging up, but eventually decided that might just make her attack sooner and elected instead to throw shuriken over the arena while running far away. It didn't help. Hinata blurred across the ground, sending brick dust and shuriken scattering in her wake, and Sasuke's Sharingan barely let him react fast enough to stop her punching a hole in his chest. As it was he went skidding backwards, forearms smarting, then she was gone and she hit him in the back. He blocked the next two punches, took the knee to the stomach, then the elbow to the side of his face sent him to the floor. He rolled away from the stomp and disengaged from the first grab, so she punched him in the stomach and grabbed him again, throwing him halfway across the arena. It was then that she realised she knew the gentle fist, and chased him with palms open.

"That's why I made her promise to check her nindo before activating the gates." Said Gai, sheepishly. "They tend to make one...irrational..."

" _Get out of my WAAAAAAY!_ " Hinata yelled gutturally.

"Does Lee get like that?" Jiraya asked.

"Lee's...always like that." Naruto explained.

In midair, Sasuke made three shadow clones (feeling light headed from the effort) and they landed in unison, two wielding swords and two unarmed. They met in the centre of the arena in a clash of steel and flesh. Hinata was in her element, striking like lightning, and Sasuke? His eyes were throbbing. She was _just_ too fast. His Sharingan was darting about like nobody's business trying to keep up with her, but she was just barely quicker than he could track and it _hurt_.

She was going to win. One of his shadow clones popped, and then another. He attempted to make more, and got a kick to the forearms for his trouble. She was winning and there was nothing he could do about it. For a split second he caught the eye of his father and a few other members of his family in the crowd. Fugaku was looking straight at him, completely impassively.

No.

Sasuke couldn't lose. Not when he was _this fucking close_. The pain behind his eye spiked to a maximum and his mouth opened in a wordless yell. Hinata blew apart his final clone and turned on him, aiming a palm strike straight at his forehead.

He caught it.

For a moment Hinata just stared at him, dumbfounded. Six tomoe and a grin stared back at her.

Grimacing, she threw another series of strikes, all of which were blocked, then she fell back into a lower stance. "Eight trigrams! Sixty four palms!" She screamed, then launched into the combination.

Sasuke realised that he knew what she was going to do. His eyes saw every twitch in her muscles, and extrapolated every move she was going to make. Not to mention; he'd seen her do this technique before with the Sharingan, practically recorded it. With tight, efficient movements, still outclassed in raw speed, he began blocking the strikes.

"He evolved his Sharingan?" Kakashi gaped.

"He evolved his Sharingan?" The Kazakage murmured.

 _Oh fuck he evolved his Sharingan._ Hinata thought, dimly.

"You see that?" Shouted an incredibly excited Itachi, grabbing the shoulders of the nearest person to him. "That's three tomoe! He's fully evolved his Sharingan! In a matter of months! Not even I could do that, he's so amazing I'm so fucking proud of him-"

The Hokage coughed. "Yes, thank you for your input Itachi. Please release me."

The Kazekage snickered.

Down in the arena, both combatants staggered backwards.

Hinata was struggling to understand that Sasuke had just blocked the sixty four palms.

Sasuke was struggling to understand that he had just _blocked the sixty four palms_.

Well, mostly. He'd had to let eighteen of the last thirty two through, the technique's exponentially increasing speed made it just too fast for him to block, but while his movement was limited, his chakra was still barely flowing. He put his hands together while she was still recovering.

"Great fireball jutsu!"

She was able to react, spinning into another rotation, but not to get out of the way, as another burning tornado appeared around her.

Sasuke didn't let up, launching concurrent blasts of fire that turned the ground around Hinata red. The exhaustion the first gate was causing her was beginning to show; even though Sasuke couldn't see her past the firewhirl, the size of her rotations waned as she was forced backwards across the arena _yes yes ye_ s-

Inside the firewall Hinata was fuming. After all that he was _beating her again._ This couldn't be happening, she'd come too damn far to let him wear her down into submission now. What did she have...a frontal assault was impossible, she didn't have enough chakra to summon anything big enough to survive the flames, his sword could stop her lightning jutsu, _damn_ that Uchiha! When had he started specialising his kit just to beat her?

Of course, there was always...

 _Anything. I don't care anymore. This bastard has it coming,_ anything _to beat him!_

She stopped spinning, and the rotation collapsed.

* * *

Sasuke was a little worried when the firewhirl fell in on itself and his fireball blasted forwards across the arena, straight through where his teammate should be; but this was Hinata. A little burn wouldn't hurt her too much, and besides she probably had some strategy in play. He cut the jutsu, chakra reserves smarting and almost empty, and fell back into a ready stance, eyes tracking across the arena to see what would happen. He probably should have expected her to burst through the fire and charge straight at him. He hadn't expected the black markings that spread all across her body and the feral look on her face. She was even fucking faster, blitzing forward and punching him in the stomach in a move that definitely cracked one of his ribs and sent him flying across the arena.

He stumbled to a halt and glared at her. "You activated the curse mark?" He shouted. "Just to beat me? You _bitch_!"

 _Well fine then if that's how she wants to fucking play it-_

He felt for the seal on his neck and broke it with a burst of chakra. When Hinata next jumped at him, he kicked her away, black spreading across his own skin and violence in his eyes.

"Are their curse marks on?" Naruto gaped at the fighters, before looking back at Jiraya. "I thought you sealed them away!"

"I did." The sannin bit out. "They activated them deliberately."

"They're going that far? _Guys_..." Naruto whined, turning back to the arena where the duo were staring each other down again. "Be _nice..._ "

"When are they going to stop escalating the fight?" Asked Jiraiya.

"Well, Sasuke's dad is using carrot and stick to make him win at all costs, and Hinata gets access to more 'kill Neji' points if she wins." Kakashi pointed out.

Naruto furrowed his eyebrows. "So either Sasuke has to...or Hinata has to...oh my god they're going to kill each other _stop the match_!"

The match did not stop, and the gladiators fell upon each other like banshees.

The following fight could be accurately described as two very strong children beating the stuffing out of each other.

All pretence of technique or skill was gone, Hinata punched Sasuke into the air then jumped after him; he grabbed her arm and spun in a circle, throwing her down into the concrete.

 _Beat him beat him beat him-_

 _Beat her beat her beat her-_

She landed making a small crater, and kicked him sideways when he fell down towards her, crashing him into the side of the arena and then chasing after him again. She punched and he ducked out of the way, so she punched again, smashing well over five holes in the wall before he grabbed her by the shoulders. He headbutted her. She headbutted him back. So he put a foot in her chest and booted her back towards the centre of the arena.

Both realised that this wasn't very effective.

 _Crush him crush him crush him-_

 _Crush her crush her crush her-_

In unison, they started making hand seals.

"Oh no." Kakashi grimaced from the stands.

"Is that-" Naruto gestured.

"CHIDORI!" Both combatants yelled.

"Sensei stop the match _please_." Naruto turned to grab Kakashi's sleeve.

"I can't." He grit his teeth. "Fights in the chunin exams are allowed to lead to death, nobody is supposed to interfere unless-"

"Sensei! Please!" There were genuine tears in Naruto's eyes. "Don't let my teammates die!"

Kakashi froze.

In the arena, Sasuke and Hinata started running. The pair barrelled towards each other, clan dojutsu honed for centuries picking out every weakness, every bead of sweat and burst of lightning chakra.

They closed on each other, distance shrinking to twenty metres, fifteen, as they started moving faster and faster; like a game of blink where neither had any plans to stop.

 _Kill him kill him kill him-_

 _Kill her kill her kill-wait, what?_

With a blur, Hatake Kakashi jumped the railing.

For Sasuke, time seemed to slow even further. He could win. He knew damn well he could. Hinata was going too fast, his Sharingan could read her every movement like a book and he knew exactly where she would be at the point of the clash. There were a dozen different ways he could angle himself, a dozen ways he could reduce her chidori to a glancing blow while putting his right through her stomach. Winning...by killing her.

Was that really what he wanted?

 _Of course. Kill her, for your father, for your name, for your pride-_

That was the curse mark, opening it was a mistake, and he struggled to think of the counter arguments he knew were there, that were putting such a horrible feeling in his chest. He fought to free his mind from its influence, to regain some sense of lucidity. Of course he wanted to win. He wanted, so fucking badly, for his father to look down at him, smile, and say he was proud of him. But kill his opponent? No, kill _Hinata_? He couldn't do that. Why couldn't he do that? Why why why dammit why-

Inside his head, he felt like he just broke the surface of a dark pool of water. Because Hinata was his teammate. She was his friend. And next to that, everything else faded into obscurity. Sasuke made his choice.

* * *

As Hinata continued in a straight line, a second from making contact, Sasuke shifted, digging one foot into the ground and sticking it there with chakra. The resulting moment pivoted him in a circle with enough force to tear all the muscle in his lower leg, but pulled him off his intercept course. Hinata moved past him, surprise registering past the rictus of hate on her face, as Sasuke buried his chidori into the ground in a massive, final explosion.

"I forfeit!" He yelled.

There was a moment of silence. Kakashi had stopped dead halfway across the arena towards them.

Then Gekko shouted "Uchiha Sasuke forfeits! Victory goes to Hyuuga Hinata!"

The crowd erupted into applause.

Hinata was frozen on the spot for another second, before the Chidori dissipated from around her right hand. Then the first gate closed, and the curse mark reverted, and her legs couldn't hold her up any longer. She collapsed, joining Sasuke on the floor.

A lot happened in the following moments. Medic-nin came on stretchers to pick up both combatants, who both suddenly realised they were in a lot of pain.

Gekko glared at Kakashi, who gave him a 'try me' look and walked back towards Naruto and Jiraiya, the latter holding the former by the scruff of his neck to stop him running towards his teammates.

Itachi had turned away from the arena and his superiors. If anyone had seen him, the expression on his face would have been very hard to describe.

Down in the seats, Fugaku stared straight at his son, unblinking. His expression was very easy to describe. Sasuke met his eyes and Fugaku, very slowly, shook his head. Sasuke just gave him a victorious smile.

* * *

 **Aaight look.**

 **Y'all need to understand how busted the Sharingan is.**

 **It literally lets you learn all your opponent's moves and predict them the moment they throw them. And see faster. And Sasuke has been training with Hinata for months now. He'd already be proficient in the gentle fist if he could see the tenketsu; the only reason he always lost in taijutsu to her before is because (a) immature Sharingan and (b) gentle fist is such a bitch to fight against. A Hyuuga can literally paralyze you while _blocking_. **

**The first gate is a five times multiplier to your base speed and strength, as stated by Gai. That's canon. But it sure doesn't help your** **precision and perception of time any. Hinata has had barely one month's training with the gates, she was only able to unlock it right at the end of that. So she hasn't had the time to practice using it with the gentle fist. 1st gate Hinata could beat three-tomoe Sasuke in a taijutsu spar, but it would be close.**

 **Then there's the curse mark, which is a _flat_ increase to your physical strength by absorbing senjutsu chakra (making Sasuke about ten times stronger, stated). It's more significant than the first gate alone, at least at this level, and it doesn't stack with it. So Hinata is only a bit stronger and faster than Sasuke, and his eye is busted. **

**In the end, the outcome of this fight was up to him.**

 **I hope you enjoyed it, I tried to make it as interesting as possible as both sides used as much of their kits as possible. Next chapter, the fallout. Sasuke has done his share of character development, but now...what are his teammates going to think?**

 **Also Holy Shit, 100 reviews? Hello? When did that happen? Thanks!**


	25. But I Thought You Thought I Thought You-

**But I Thought You Thought I Thought You Thought I-**

* * *

"Please?"

"No!"

"Pretty please?"

" _No_!"

"But-"

"I don't care that they are your teammates!" Haku pointed a senbon at Naruto's face. Behind him, a few more of the nurses shuffled awkwardly. With the exception of Tsunade's time, general policy was to let the crazy and upset ninja do what they wanted within the hospital ward. Haku was not having _that_. "They are in critical condition! You may not talk to them, you may not see them, you _may_ leave a shadow clone here transformed into a potted plant or something, and then _leave_ so you can stop distracting me!"

Naruto gulped and nodded, then began slowly walking away.

Haku sagged against the infirmary' door frame and started mumbling to himself. "Oh my god I shouted at him what if he stops liking me-FOCUS! PATIENTS!" He slapped his own cheeks forcefully to clear his head and turned back to the infirmary. "Alright, we've got two half dead clan heirs to repair let's get moving." He paused and looked at the other nurses for a moment. "Why are you all staring at me? Go!"

* * *

Naruto stalked back up into the stands and moved up to grip the railing, staring down with laser focus into the arena.

"...Are you okay?" Kakashi eventually asked.

" _Peachy_." Naruto spat.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "They're going to be fine. Jiraiya's with them checking up on the curse marks, and Konoha's best doctors are in there."

"But not me." Naruto grimaced.

"Well, you don't want too many cooks in the kitchen." Kakashi reasoned. "I didn't know you had practiced medical ninjutsu, Naruto."

"I don't-they're my _teammates_."

"And if we were in a situation where your talk no jutsu was needed to save them, I'd escort you in there myself." Kakashi allowed. "But as it is, you pacing in the corner of the room, peeking over the doctors' shoulders and radiating the kyuubi's chakra everywhere...It will only hurt their recovery. Remember what I told you when they were getting sealed during the preliminaries?"

"Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all." Naruto recited, bitterly.

"Exactly. So take a deep breath, watch the next match, and stop taking your frustrations out on that poor railing."

Naruto followed his instructions, letting go of the railing and falling back into a chair Kakashi had helpfully pulled up. The red disappeared from his eyes, and both ignored the hand-prints that he had left in the metal bars.

An hour had passed since Sasuke's fight with Hinata, and now it was time for fight two of the day. Gekko pocketed his orange covered book, checked his watch, and sighed. "Alright then, Sabaku no Kankuro, Nara Shikimaru. Get your asses down here."

The Suna and Konoha genin both took their sweet time following that instruction, walking together down the staircase into the arena.

"Still sure you don't want me to forfeit for you?" Kankuro offered again.

"No thanks." Shikimaru replied. "Like I said, it wouldn't solve anything for me. You seem pretty insistent on not fighting tomorrow. Any particular reason?"

"Apathy, same as you." Kankuro lied. "I won't go out of my way for it. Who knows, I might just throw the fight. Make you look good and then let you catch me."

"Not a bad idea." Shikimaru allowed. Then he smiled slyly. "Of course, if I forfeited right out of the gate you wouldn't get the chance. Then what would you do?"

"Take the win, I suppose." Kankuro was swearing internally.

"But then you would have to fight tomorrow." Shikimaru pointed out.

Kankuro laughed, hoping it didn't sound too nervous. "I've already told you, I have no reason not to."

"Really?" Shikimaru's smile became a bit predatory. "Prove it."

Kankuro's fists tightened.

Together they walked out into view of the masses.

"Same rules as for the last fight." Gekko told them. "If you have any incredibly dramatic grudges you need to settle like they did, go ahead, but do _try_ not to murder each other."

"I doubt that will be a problem." Shikimaru remarked.

The two squared off against each other.

"You could always just forfeit the next fight against Hinata." Kankuro pointed out. "It'd give you a better shot at being chunin, and you'd still be ready for your 'bad feeling' you told me about."

"You're right." Shikimaru casually agreed. "I could do that."

Kankuro grimaced.

 _Fuck, what's he going to do?_ Whose match came first tomorrow again? He couldn't be running on fumes when everything went down, but if he was called upon to fight he damn well might be, especially against Hinata who had put up such a fight earlier. But he couldn't let Shikimaru find out. Or did he already know? The bastard had been acting like he knew something the whole damn time. Was Shikimaru implying he would forfeit a bluff? Or was he actually going to do it? Kankuro didn't want to reveal anything about his fighting style either... _fuck fuck fuck._

Shikimaru just stood there, perfectly relaxed.

"If both contestants are ready..." Gekko looked at them both. They nodded.

"Okay then. May the second match of the chunin exam finals...Begin!"

"I FORFEIT!"

* * *

There was a long moment of silence.

Both contestants were looking at each other. Kankuro with a defeated glare. Shikimaru smiling like he'd just had a theory confirmed. In fact, he probably had.

"You...Both? Forfeit?" Gekko pointed a finger between them. "So who wins?"

"Neither of us. We both lose." Kankuro sighed, though he knew that wasn't really true.

"But...then who fights tomorrow?" Gekko looked genuinely baffled.

"Neither of us." Shikimaru explained. "Tomorrow Naruto fights Gaara, then the winner of that fights Hinata, and that's the final round of the exams. Congratulations, you get a normal four person bracket."

"And since you can't expect Gaara or Naruto to fight Hinata right after each other, the tournament still lasts three days." Kankuro pointed out. "So you don't lose out on any tourism money."

The crowd by that point had realised that they weren't going to get any violence. Boos began to rain down from the stadium.

"This generation is going to be the death of me. Fucking ninlennials..." Gekko sighed. "Alright, get out of here."

Up with the rest of the genin, Naruto was in shock.

"Well." Kakashi deadpanned. "That just happened."

* * *

The crowds dispersed, and the afternoon passed.

"So let me get this straight." Sasuke confirmed, from the infirmary bed. "I'm not going to die?"

"No, you're fine." Haku sighed. "Now get presentable. Visiting time starts in-"

The second hand of the clock ticked past twelve, making it four o'clock, and Itachi immediately appeared in the room asking "Is he okay?"

"Sasuke's fine, sir." Haku replied, with some combination of subservience and exasperation. "Most of the aches and bruises are minor and will be gone within hours. The serious issues are his ribs and leg, but he is a ninja. He'll be able to limp to tomorrow's match if he wants to, and he'll be fit to continue training- _light_ training-after a week. And I've already factored the Uchiha's pride into that timescale, its shorter than it should be so don't even _think_ about shrinking it further."

Itachi nodded, before frowning at Haku. "Aren't you the ninja that tried to kill my brother a few months ago?"

"...yes..." Haku shifted. "Sorry about that."

"But we're cool now." Sasuke assured his sibling. "Since he knows how to break people really precisely he's also good at fixing them, so he works here."

"He?" Itachi checked, with narrowed eyebrows.

"He." Haku confirmed, grimacing.

"Well, okay then." Itachi sat down on the end of the bed. "That was a bold move in the arena, Sasuke."

"I didn't have much of a choice. It was either miss or kill Hinata, and I didn't have much of a fighting chance afterwards with what I did to my leg." Sasuke defended himself.

Itachi nodded. "I saw, and I'm sure the Hokage saw too. But still, even after Father telling you to win at all costs?"

"Even then." Sasuke replied, certainty in his voice. "She's my teammate. The tournament comes far below that on my priority list. Do you...do you think dad will understand?"

Itachi smiled warmly, and put his hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "Brother, remember first of all that he's your father."

Sasuke smiled back.

"But no he won't."

Sasuke's smile fell.

"As in he's probably incredibly disappointed in you."

"Oh."

"He left immediately to go back to the Uchiha compound in a sulk, so it's safe to say he would much rather you murdered your teammate. Because he's an asshole."

Sasuke looked up in mild horror. "He-what? Wait, really?"

Itachi nodded emphatically. "Oh trust me. I hate him."

"But you-"

"He's my clan head so I still have to do what he says." Itachi admitted. "But the only reason I still come to dinner is to act as a buffer between him and you."

"You do?"

"Our family for the last few years has been a war to get influence over you with your mother trying desperately to keep things together."

Sasuke groaned and laid back in his bed. "Well, fuck. How have I not noticed this?"

"You're desperate for his praise and you idolise me." Itachi rationalised, cringing. "And could you...stop that? It makes me feel like I'm manipulating you."

"Have you been?" Sasuke asked.

"A little bit, yeah. Sorry."

"Great." He rolled his eyes. "Any advice going forwards?"

"As much as I hate to say it...grow up. Fast." Itachi pat his brother on the shoulder one more time, then headed for the door.

Sasuke and Haku shared a bewildered glance.

"Oh, and by the way." Itachi paused at the door. "Taking all that into account...I am proud of you, Sasuke. Well done." #

With that, he left.

* * *

Kankuro, after detouring for a _long_ walk, slammed open the door to his apartment and stormed in.

"The fuck was that in the arena, brother?" Temari asked, without looking up.

"Hey, Gaara." Kankuro turned to his own brother. "I need you to kill a guy."

"Of course." Gaara looked up brightly. "Who?"

"Quietly, mind you." Kankuro warned. "This is an assassination job."

"No problem at all. Some relief should be good."

"Great. He's called Nara Shikimaru."

" _What_?" Temari looked up. The fox in her lap looked up worriedly before settling back down. "No, belay that. Gaara, don't kill the Nara."

"Belay that belay that." Kankuro shot back. "Gaara, kill the Nara."

"I am now very confused. I don't like that." Gaara warned them.

"Hold on, why do you want him dead?" Temari asked.

"He knows." Kankuro explained. "I don't know how, but he knows."

"How could he?" His sister reasoned. "Did you tell him? Does he have any evidence?"

"No." Admitted Kankuro. "But he was making weird references! And he's _smart_."

"That's not exactly evidence." Temari pointed out.

"This is already conflicting with a previous request from Temari in which I am supposed to spare Shikimaru specifically." Gaara pointed out, drawing Kankuro's attention.

"She what?" Kankuro spun on his brother. "Why?"

"If I understand correctly, she intends to mate with him." Gaara said, oblivious to his sister's spluttering. "Which she cannot do if he is dead. These examples of living people's usefulness keep appearing; it's almost like my natural state of being shouldn't be to murder."

"Yeah, almost." Kankuro rounded on his sister. "You fucking _what_?"

"He-I mean-Gaara is making assumptions again." Temari was red faced and refused to meet his eyes. "But Shikimaru is kinda, well..."

"Insane." Kankuro threw his arms up into the air. "You're all insane! Ever since we came to this hellhole of a hidden village, you've both gone crazy!"

"I thought I was already crazy." Gaara mused.

"Can I remind you both that we're supposed to be destroying this place?" He continued ranting. "Now is not a good time for you to be getting attached to people! Temari you used to be the focused one, but now you-you..." he pointed at her lap, distracted. "And you _still_ have that damn fox with you!"

"Uzu is a present from Gaara." She mumbled, stroking the animal.

"You _named it_? Wait, you named it after _Naruto?_ "

"You are becoming very excited, Kankuro." Gaara warned. "It's hard to stay objective in that state."

" _STAY OBJECTIVE_ -" Kankuro's voice rose to a shriek.

"Gaara has a point." Temari added. "You've been weirdly obsessed with this theory that Shikimaru knows everything when you have literally no proof. I've seen the board you have in your room with the pictures and the red string. Aren't you a little paranoid?"

" _A lit_ -" Kankuro stopped. Took in a deep breath. Let it out. "I'm going to my room now." He said, carefully. "And tomorrow we're going to burn this place to the ground and go back to Suna where things make _sense_."

* * *

The Nara compound was a small one, at least when compared to the Hyuuga or Uchiha's massive complexes. Shikimaru's mother had once tutted that it was probably because the family was too lazy to walk any further.

Nobody had ever denied it.

Shikimaru walked into his house, calmly took off his slippers, and walked into the living room. His father was already there, sat reading. "Good afternoon, son."

"Afternoon Dad."

"Your mother is currently awaiting you where she thinks you'll be; I think she intends to give you an earful." Shikaku remarked. "Your choice whether you want to face her now or plan your reasons for later."

"Thanks, Dad." Shikimaru was his father's son, through and through. He was glad that at least _he_ wouldn't question his actions in the arena, trusting his son had a valid reason for it. Apparently his teammates and sensei would develop that level of trust in time, but it wasn't there yet. It was...bothersome, to have explanations demanded of him when he knew they wouldn't understand them. His family at least understood.

He sat down on the sofa next to his dad. "Dad...can I have some help with something?"

The man looked across. "What do you need?"

Shikimaru paused. "I've got to predict something."

Shikaku sighed, shut his book, and put it down beside him. "Alright. What do you know?"

* * *

Hinata sat on the hospital bed, staring listlessly at the wall. Unlike Sasuke she didn't have any serious injuries, but she was still beaten and bruised beyond belief. The nurses had offered her painkillers, but she had refused them. She deserved the pain.

There was a knock on the door, and before she could answer and tell it to go away, it had already opened. "Hey Hinata!" Her breathe hitched. Naruto walked in, smiling the same smile. "Are you okay?"

She didn't say anything. Didn't trust herself to.

He walked in and sat down on the other end of the bed, facing her. She looked down at her lap. "So...you're upset." He reasoned. "Figures, it was a nasty fight. Awesome, I mean, it was super cool, but nasty."

She had let out the curse mark. She had failed him.

"I get that you might be upset, because those things apparently affect your brain and make you super angry and stuff, but listen..."

She tuned him out. She knew what happened when he spoke; he'd twist around what had happened so that he could see the best in her, then reassure her that it wasn't her fault and everything would be okay. She couldn't allow herself that comfort.

What had changed?

At the start of the exam she'd been entirely willing to forfeit for Naruto's sake, in the preliminaries she'd gone to great effort to avoid opening the curse-mark.

It was the vault, she knew. The moment, trawling through what texts she had access to, she had come across mention of it. Secret techniques, it had said, inaccessible to the branch family. An upper hand over Him. And then she'd...she'd...she'd been willing to kill her teammate.

Naruto was still talking, didn't notice her fists clenching even as her eyes began to sting. She'd been willing to kill her teammate for power. She couldn't blame it on the curse mark, even before then she'd been so angry, so determined, so certain she was doing the right thing.

She was a murderess.

She was _just like Him_.

She was...she was a-

"Monster." She whispered the word aloud.

"And that's why you really-uh, what?" Naruto blinked and stopped talking.

She grimaced, and said it. "Monster!" Because she was. She didn't deserve him, she didn't deserve Sasuke, she didn't even deserve revenge. "I...you...monster! Just...just get out!"

She flung an arm out towards Naruto, shaking, and he retreated off the bed. For a few seconds there was hurt on his face, before it hardened into grim determination. "Alright then." He said. "If that's what you think. I...guess I'll go then." He turned and walked very sharply out of the room, slamming the door behind himself.

Only then did Hinata allow herself to cry.

* * *

Leaning against a nearby wall, Kabuto watched Naruto storm out of the room. He smiled. The snake on his shoulder hissed at him, and he chuckled aloud. "Oh, I'm certain." He told it. "If he wasn't sure from that match, he should be now." It hissed again and he shrugged, almost displacing it. "Oh, he can keep tracking them both, it would be remiss not to. But trust me. _She's_ the one he wants."

* * *

 **MWAHAHAHAHA! MISUNDERSTANDINGS! THE ROOT OF ALL TRASHY CHARACTER DRAMA!**

 **While Sasuke is feeling pretty good about himself, Hinata feels like the scum of the earth. She's not in a great place right now. Meanwhile Kankuro's emnity for Shikamaru comes to a head, and Shikamaru comes to some conclusions. How will this affect 'tomorrow''s events? By which I mean next week.**

 **The Gaara/Naruto fight is coming up, ladies, gentlemen et al. Place your bets now!**


	26. Five to One, Apparently

**Five to One, Apparently.**

* * *

"What's up kid? Hey, listen. Our boss has got a lot of money riding on the other guy, so we've come here to convince you to-Urk!"

* * *

"Well well well, the prodigal son returns."

"Fuck off, sensei." Sasuke smiled as he limped up the stairs to the viewing stands. "I'm not late, am I? Walking with this leg is a bitch..."

"Yes, actually, but I wouldn't be worried." Kakashi, in a rare bout of kindness, took Sasuke's hand and hauled him up into a good viewing position. "Naruto has set up a warmup fight, which was nice of him."

"Warmup-?"

"Ladies...and...gentlemen!" Naruto shouted from down in the arena, gesturing dramatically. "Before the official match begins, you get to see a special bonus match! The assholes who tried to threaten me! Versus! The assholes who tried to threaten Gaara!"

The crowd cheered wildly.

"Please don't." One of the four thugs was crying. "We're just being paid, dude, don't make us kill each other."

"If you don't fight, I kill all four of you." Gaara told them. "This was a good idea, Naruto."

"I have kids man, don't do this-"

"Thank you!" Beamed the nine-tails, ignoring the whimpering. "A much better idea than trying to beat into submission _trained ninja_ who are already in the _finals_ of the _chunin exams_. Idiots."

The thugs whimpered.

"What's got into Naruto?" Sasuke turned to Kakashi.

"I don't know." Admitted the Jonin. "But something pissed him off last evening and he hasn't gotten over it yet."

"His eyes are red." Jiraiya noted from beside them.

"That always happens when he's around Gaara." Sasuke pointed out. "We're pretty sure it's the tailed beasts reacting to each other." He frowned. "Which would get worse if they had to fight...hey are the betting pools still open?"

"Sure, why?" Kakashi asked.

"Can you put me down for 500 ryo that one of them is going to lose control and turn into a big monster?"

"Sure thing. Pretty sure odds are five to one."

"That high?"

"This fight has worried a _lot_ of people."

Down in the arena, Gekko had managed to clear out all the poor thugs, much to the Jinchurikkis' disappointment.

"Alright, enough dicking about." He told them. "Are you ready or not?"

"I'm going to warn you." Naruto called across to Gaara. "I am in a _terrible_ mood right now and can't promise any of the usual things like honour or mercy."

Gaara smiled back at him. "That's good. There's no point in fighting you when you're not trying as hard as you could." His eyes narrowed, and his voice took on an unusual growl. "Come at me like you're trying to kill me."

Naruto smiled as well. "Thanks, Gaara! You always seem to understand me like that! Now..." He got into stance, and his smile turned feral. " **I'm going to tear you into pieces** _._ "

"Oooooh boy, somebody's gonna die." Chuckled Jiraiya.

"Then may the second (third? Technically?) Duel of the final round...begin!"

* * *

Naruto acted first, pulling a storage scroll from inside his orange jacket and throwing it into the air. It released its contents with a puff of smoke, that being a very large number of peculiar, three pronged kunai.

Kakashi sucked in a surprised breath.

Naruto called out "Buffeting wind jutsu!" And a gust of wind blasted out from his palms, catching and accelerating the knives. The result? A hurricane of spinning metal rushed towards Gaara. The Suna genin didn't even move, sand poured from his gourd and formed a wide, impenetrable barrier in front of him. Most of the kunai thudded into the sand, some flew harmlessly over or around it. And while Gaara was functionally blinded-

"Blade of wind jutsu!" Glinting white, an arc of sharpened wind release chakra hurtled towards Gaara's shield and hit it with a mighty slam. Sand was hurled away at the point of impact.

Naruto looked through the hole it had cut in the sand and grinned, Gaara had been forced to manifest a second shield to fully block the technique. "You like the Haku special?" He taunted, "Because there's more where that came from!" He repeated the hand signals.

Gaara was glowering. When that had taken over his usual vacant smile, Naruto wasn't sure. Some of the sand coalesced, forming a similarly glaring clone that strafed towards Naruto. The next wind blade hit the clone dead on, bisecting it, but the sand simply knitted itself back together. Naruto grimaced, and fell into a taijutsu stance.

"Would anyone be so kind as to tell me," Kakashi asked, as Naruto crashed into the sand clone, "where Naruto got his hands on a stash of Minato-sensei's kunai?"

"A gift straight from the old man. 'A future Hokage should have a Hokage's tools' I believe was the line." Jiraiya drawled.

"Is he even trying to be subtle with his gestures anymore?"

"I don't think so, no." The sannin sighed.

Down in the arena, Naruto drew up for an axe kick that slammed down on the sand clone's head, carving a massive gouge through its entire body. It crumpled. Naruto launched back into the wind blade hand seals, but across the arena Gaara had finished his own preparations.

"Shukaku shield." He uttered, solemnly. Rather than from his gourd, sand rose from the ground beneath him, the stone splitting into pieces to form a...fat tanooki with a hat? Whatever it was it looked weird as hell and stood in front of Gaara imposingly.

Naruto's third wind blade tore straight towards it, but upon impact it only drew a shallow vertical line in the golem's surface. That line quickly disappeared as more sand filled in the gaps. "My ultimate defence." Gaara declared. "It's sand is formed from the strongest minerals in the ground around me. Your teammates' chidori would penetrate many of my shields. They would not penetrate this."

Naruto 'tch'd. He ran in an arc around Gaara, trying to get an angle on him, but the shield moved with him, trundling around Gaara to remain perfectly between him and Naruto. Said Nine-tails tried to get closer, but the moment he did Gaara's other sand lashed out at him and forced him to retreat, then began snaking towards him across the floor.

"Why do I get the feeling he's just going to use the wind blade lots of times to try and get through?" Sasuke remarked.

"He'd better not." Kakashi muttered, darkly. "I've spent weeks trying to get the basics of combat theory in his head. The first lesson was that he can't take every opponent head on, and sometimes he has to find away around. You know, think like a real ninja?"

True enough, Naruto had a plan. The ground around Gaara was swamped with sand he hadn't bothered to return to the gourd, and littered among that sand were dozens of the three pronged kunai.

"Substitution jutsu!" Naruto shouted. One of the kunai appeared in his place, as he was transported right next to Gaara, behind the fat-shield. He punched, twice. The first blew a hole in the sand wall that came unconsciously to Gaara's defence, and the second whipped through that hole to catch Gaara in the stomach. It doubled him up and sent him flying.

"Naruto's faster." Sasuke noted.

"And Gaara didn't have his sand armour up!" Jiraiya cackled. "That'll have hurt."

The Suna child still failed entirely to make any sort of combat stance; his sand flew from his gourd and formed a cushion that he fell gracefully into, then he glared back across at Naruto. His sand began to whip about more aggressively, drumming against the ground and _grinding_ the arena floor itself into more sand. That was bad. Naruto bit his finger and palmed the ground. "Summoning jutsu!"

Appearing in front of him was the greatest toad summon he was physically capable of.

...it was about two and a half metres tall. Sue him, he couldn't do Gamabunta unless Jiraiya threw him off a cliff, that _asshole_. And while he _could_ start throwing around the kyuubi chakra, he really didn't want to kill everyone present, and he was just pissed off enough to try that if he let the red power loose...

"That guy is freaky." Remarked the toad, looking at Gaara.

"Blastoise! Water gun!" Naruto shouted.

"That's still not my name-you know what? Whatever." The blue toad focused on Gaara. "Water bullet jutsu!" And then it fucking _projectile vomited_ a blast of water at the one-tails jinchurikki.

The sand rose, and the water slammed into it, doing little visibly to the wall. The now soaked sand fell back to the floor with a thump.

"Keep up the pressure." Naruto told his summon, and put his hands together in a familiar position. "Shadow clone jutsu!" Thirty copies of him sprung into existence. That was when the arena floor fell into chaos.

The three-pronged kunai were still buried in the sand. They made very convenient things to substitute with. Cries of "Substitution jutsu!" Echoed throughout the stadium as the clones began swapping with everything they could spot. They switched places with the knives, they switched places with each other, they switched places with blastoise, they threw more shadow-knives and switched places with those too. And of course, when they weren't teleporting, they were attacking. Punches, kicks, wind blades and thrown weapons bombarded Gaara, some clones even feeling clever and using the transformation jutsu to pretend to _be_ kunai and jump out at Gaara from within his guard. Any individual clone's run of hand seals took long seconds, but with thirty overlapping it was impossible to keep track of them.

Gaara didn't need to keep track, however. His sand moved of its own accord, getting in the way of every little thing that came even close to him. There was enough of it; Gaara's strategy of turning the floor itself into sand had paid dividends and now he had a veritable storm of the stuff to fling around as whips and blades. The shadow clones didn't care about having sand in their eyes, but the real Naruto did, so for a moment Gaara was able to spot and trap him. "Sabaku-no-"

"Sabaku-go-fuck-yourself!" A hasty substitution sacrificed a clone to save Naruto from the immediate sand coffin.

"You noticed what I noticed?" Kakashi deadpanned.

"Yup." Jiraiya chuckled.

"What am I missing?" Sasuke asked them, not turning away from the battle.

"It looks an awful lot," the Sannin explained, "like he's using the flying raijin. He isn't, obviously, Minato didn't teach it to anyone, but it's one heck of an image to present. Especially for someone with ambitions regarding that hat." He pointed upwards to the Hokage's box.

There, Hiruzen was smiling a very particular smile down at the arena.

"Not enjoying the show?" He asked the Kazekage, who was scribbling on a piece of paper.

"Oh, its very entertaining." The man agreed. "I'm just writing down my recommendations for Chunin. Final call is yours, obviously, but now we've seen everybody fight I wanted to get some points down. You know, just in case the jinchurikki lose control and kill us all."

"You think that might happen?" The Hokage checked.

"I've got a hundred ryo on it." The kazekage cackled. "Five to one odds, apparently."

"You may have a point." Hiruzen mused. "Itachi, pass me a pen and paper, would you?"

The Uchiha rolled his eyes and acquiesced.

Down with Naruto, tides were turning. Not quite literally, but with a shallow level of amusing irony.

The ninja academy had taught him that water release fared poorly against earth release, but Kakashi had later told him that that wasn't due to some inherent 'supereffectiveness'. It was a practical issue; water attacked through concussive force over a wide area, and that was bad at damaging stone structures.

But this wasn't true in all circumstances. For example, if you drench sand in water it will absorb it, and get a lot slower and a lot heavier. Blastoise, though he was now panting heavily, had successfully wet most if not all of the sand and even caught the gourd in the spray; Gaara's defences moved sluggishly. Too sluggishly. He was forced to duck one kunai as it flew by his head, too fast for the sand to catch, then again as a different Naruto grabbed that kunai and swung it for him. A blade of sand stabbed that Naruto through the stomach, dispelling it, but that took sand away from his other defences, allowing a different Naruto to plant a kick into his back and send him sprawling into a dune.

"Two hits." Gaara muttered to himself. "Two too many." At once, all the sand began to move.

The Naruto jumped away as every stray grain in the arena rushed back towards Gaara, surrounding him and hardening. After a few seconds, a perfect sphere stood in the middle of the arena. Within the sphere, Gaara started chanting.

Naruto prime made a signal, and two of his clones rushed the ball with kunai in hand. The moment they got too close, spikes of the hardened sand emerged and impaled both clones, popping them. This distorted the sphere's shape, and revealed something glinting in amongst the sand. Naruto saw it, and his eyes widened.

He started laughing. Guffawing. It was a sadistic and _slightly_ insane sound.

"What's so funny?" Muttered Sasuke.

"The kunai." Kakashi helped.

"What do you...oh."

Naruto put his fingers together, growling victoriously, "I win."

He flared his chakra.

Anyone familiar with Minato's kunai knew of the seals on them that allowed him to perform the flying raijin. Naruto didn't have any use for those, so he had carefully stripped them off and replaced them with something more useful.

So, concurrently, on the several kunai which had been swept up with the sand and were now within the wall of Gaara's sand shield, the explosive tags detonated.

There was predictably a very loud noise.

The massive boom was followed by a rain of grit and sand that fell all over the audience, and a plume of smoke billowing up from around where Gaara had been. There was a long silence.

"Did Naruto just...kill a guy?" Sasuke was looking on with wide eyes.

Kakashi raised his headband and squinted. "Nnnnnnope. Sharingan."

Sasuke activated his. He could, with effort, spot Gaara's chakra amongst the rockdust. It was tinted earth-brown, indicating its usual nature, and was gradually...bubbling up and growing exponentially every moment- "what the _fu_ -"

A giant claw made from sand burst through the smoke and slammed as a fist down on Blastoise, crushing and desummoning him immediately.

"B-buffeting wind jutsu!" Stammered Naruto. The dust was blown away, revealing Gaara stood in a low stance. Blood dripped from all over his body where dozens of individual pieces of shrapnel had embedded into his skin. One, dead centre in the red 'love' tatoo on his forehead. His right arm was encased completely in sand, with blue markings covering the surface. His right eye was black, with a golden, starred pupil. " **Naruto**." He growled. He took a step forwards, but grimaced, falling to a kneel.

Then, things began to happen very quickly.

* * *

Sasuke saw the genjutsu before he could feel it. He wasn't sure whether the shining white feathers were revealed by the Sharingan or everyone could see them; but he caught the effects on his mind the moment they arose and dispelled them easily enough. Looking around, the crowd was not faring so well.

Hundreds to thousands of civilians began slumping in their seats as sleep overtook them.

"Shit..."

Kakashi span in place. "Jiraiya!"

"On it!"

Both jonin vanished.

Sasuke's Sharingan tracked ninja fighting in the stands, picking out sound, sand, and leaf headbands, the former two working together against the latter.

Down in the arena, Temari and Kankuro had already ran up to the injured Gaara, picking him up despite his attempts to shake them off. Gekko took a threatening step forwards, but suddenly the Sand team sensei (Baki?) had engaged him, freeing up his students to begin a retreat from the arena. Naruto was clearly overwhelmed, stood looking around in horror.

Sasuke grimaced, testing his leg. It still didn't want to support his weight. Perfect. _Sorry Haku_. He vaulted the railing.

He landed in a roll on the arena floor, letting out a cry as pain lanced through his leg before ignoring it and shambling up to his teammate. "Naruto!" He shouted, grabbing him by the shoulder.

" **What** -" Naruto began in a very strange voice, before coughing. "What's going on?"

"Betrayal." Sasuke told him. "We need to get after Gaara. He's the Kazekage's son and Suna's only jinchurikki, if we stop him we can stop this whole thing."

"But what about the civilians? The Hokage?" Naruto asked, looking back at the chaotic arena.

"Kakashi, Gai, and Jiraiya are all fighting off the enemy ninja." Sasuke reassured, trying to smile. "And my brother is with the Hokage. What ninja can take on Itachi _and_ the god of shinobi at the same time?"

Naruto paused for a moment, pained, before nodding, taking in Sasuke's condition. "You're wounded. Let me carry you, it'll be faster."

* * *

Up in the kage's box, Sarutobi Hiruzen looked across at the Kazekage with hard eyes. He and Itachi stood amidst half a dozen dead ninja. "This seems a little further than your usual tricks, Rasa. If you are even the Kazekage."

The man in the white-blue hat stood up and stretched, casually. "Oh come on, old man. Are you telling me you _really_ don't know who I am?"

"Does it start with O and end with your funeral?" Itachi checked, drawing his sword and pointing it towards the man.

Orochimaru threw off the Kazekage's hat and smiled. "Something like that, yeah. Oh, I forgot you were here, Itachi. Leave us alone, would you? Me and my sensei need to catch up."

"Not happening, sorry." Itachi replied.

Orochimaru chuckled. "Funny. The way you say that, it's like you think you have a choice." He snapped his fingers.

A collection of bones tore up through the wooden floor, trapping Itachi in a cage. He swung his sword, but to his shock, couldn't leave much more than a knot in the ivory. Not pausing, he began making hand seals, which was when the floor beneath him exploded inwards completely, and a hand reached up and grabbed his leg, pulling him down. He twisted out of the grip as soon as he could, but still landed heavily on the floor of a lower corridor, then was forced to block another bone that was swung at his face. He slid backwards and assessed the threat.

Before him was a man with green eyes, white hair, and strange markings across his face. As Itachi watched, another bone grew out from his wrist, and he gripped it like a knife.

"And who the fuck are you?" Itachi asked.

"My name is Kimimaro." The man said, simply. "And my master has instructed me to kill you."

* * *

 **I have written the word 'sand' so many times this chapter I swear to god...**

 **We finally get to the good bit. I had to think long and hard about this fight, because in the chunin exams Gaara is such a monster. Like, seriously. He blocks all of your everything and then crushes you. If Naruto hadn't had a month's prep time he wouldn't have had much to do against normal Gaara; except for using the Kyuubi cloak or summoning a toad the size of the whole arena; but with the guidance of Kakashi and Jiraiya I'm sure he could have come up with a plan. Or just, you know, made 500 shadow clones and had them all use A rank jutsu at once. ( _some of kid-Naruto's feats like jesus if you just did that every time you'd have been able to kill your whole class at once)_**

 **And yes, ya boi kimimaro is here. Why? Because I'll tell you next chapter that's why.**


	27. More than One Way to Skin a Tanooki

**"More than one way to skin a Tanooki"**

* * *

 **Five years earlier**

"This is our new member?" Orochimaru raised an eyebrow and looked down at the child before him. No older than thirteen, with black hair and white eyes. His leaf headband had a long line drawn through it, much resembling the snake's own. "Has it...shrunk? Kisame did you eat half of it?"

The shark-man chuckled. "'Fraid not. This is the guy. I wouldn't underestimate him, slithers, he clearly ain't no pushover."

They were stood in a dark cave, not an unusual location for the Akatsuki to meet. There were a few more twisting passages before they reached the HQ proper, but Orochimaru had wanted to meet their newest member ahead of the others.

"Oh I've heard all about his exploits." The sannin leaned down and grinned at Neji Hyuuga. "Tell me, do you feel an ounce of regret about slaughtering your entire family merely as a method of testing your own power?"

Neji tilted his head. "But of course, I am wracked with guilt. I must have taken a wrong turn; is this not the place where I may repent for my sins?"

"Ooh it has teeth!" Orochimaru clapped his hands together excitedly. "I like this one. Can I keep it?"

"It seems to me you don't need any more children in your service." Neji nodded to the two other boys stood a respectful distance away. "Or are they perhaps Kisame's kids? The one in blue has his eyes."

 _Oh I'm liking this one more by the second._ "These are my subordinates, yes." Orochimaru gestured. "The blue haired one is Kabuto, the white haired one is Kimimaro. I have to wonder: these two have been training under me for years. What makes you more worthy than them to join us?"

"Oh great, already with the tests." Neji rolled his eyes, then looked at the two, both of whom shuffled slightly under his gaze. "Lets see...Kabuto has impressive chakra control, and from the way it's concentrated he's a healer. Kimimaro has a very interesting body transformation bloodline limit mostly related to his bones, excellent structure and density. A member of the Kaguya clan? And here I thought they were extinct." He looked back at Orochimaru. "Should I kill them to prove my worth? It would be a waste."

"No, no, that won't be necessary." Orochimaru laughed. "Those eyes certainly are something...come, let's introduce you to the others."

Orochimaru fell in next to Kisame, leaving Neji to follow behind alongside the other two children. Over his shoulder, he could hear Kabuto whispering to the newcomer. "Thanks. Master Orochimaru gets like that sometimes."

"No problem at all." Neji replied, disinterestedly. "Out of curiosity, how good a healer are you?"

"I'm good." Kankuro replied, confidently. "Of course, there's not much I can do for Kimimaro here. His biology is so weird most traditional treatments just don't work."

"Problematic." Neji admitted. "I know some things about healing myself. If you'd like, as a show of good faith, I could compile a small volume on his biology."

"You can do that?" Kabuto's widened.

"My eyes can see all of his insides, all at once." Neji replied. "You'll have the manuscript within a week."

* * *

 **Present day**

Temari paused, span in place, swung her fan, span back around and continued moving.

The gale from it blew back across the forest outside Konoha, and disintegrated the pursuing shadow clones of a very familiar blond menace.

"Why do I have to carry Gaara?" Kankuro gasped out as she caught up to him.

"Because I have to shake off our pursuers." She bit back. "And you're _used_ to carrying your puppets!"

"One puppet! Not a puppet and a half-dead jinchurikki!"

Temari opened her mouth to say something back, but was interrupted by a shout from behind her.

"There they are!"

"We're catching up!"

"Someone tell Naruto Prime!"

"Oh come on!" Temari stopped and swung her fan again, disrupting the next batch of clones. "Kankuro! Stop!"

"Yes please!" He landed on a particularly wide branch and shifted off his charge.

Temari caught up and started looking over her little brother, concern plain on her face. "Gaara? You still with us?"

He didn't look good. He was still losing blood from the shrapnel, though the sand that had caused the damage now seemed to be spreading outwards to plug the holes in his skin.

" **Kurama**." He rasped. " **Where is Kurama**?"

Temari cringed. One of his eyes was still black, indicating Shukaku's influence. "We don't know any Kurama, Gaara. Who are you talking about?"

He glared, then shook his head, obviously in distress. "Naruto." He reiterated, in a less demonic voice. "Where is Naruto? I need to fight him, need to win the fight so I can pass the chunin exams..."

"Oh great. He's lost it." Kankuro sighed.

"Gaara, listen to me." Temari leaned down to his eye level. "You need to release Shukaku. Remember the plan?"

"Fuck the plan!"

"Oooooh shit he said it. There it was. I warned you." Kankuro whistled and tried to not look at his technically traitor brother.

"You can still fight them, okay?" Temari reasoned. "Let Shukaku out and you can fight all of them, if you want?"

"It's not the same." Gaara grumbled. "S'not Shukaku's fight it's mine."

Temari sighed. Every time he started losing control, when half his mind was already swamped by the bijuu, he started acting like a child again.

"Gaara, please." She tried. "Do it for me. Remember Uzu?"

"The fox." He nodded.

"The fox." She agreed. "The fox you got me. Do it for me, Gaara. Please?"

He looked at her for a few seconds, mouth open as if to say something. Then he closed it, shoved her away, and jumped off into the forest.

"I cannot believe that just happened." Reiterated Kankuro, for the fiftieth time that month. "Now what's the plan?"

"He needs time to transform." Temari pulled her fan and looked back the way they'd come. More orange jumpsuits were chasing through the trees. "We need to buy him that time."

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay carrying me?" Sasuke asked, chagrined. "I'm not really much use-"

"It's fine, I need the morale support." Naruto replied, cheerfully. "The training seal is way heavier than you, and besides, if you're not around I might let the kyuubi loose and destroy Konoha."

"Oh. Right."

They continued tearing through the forest, crossing the treetops as fast as Naruto was able. Then he grinned, seemingly for no reason. "Some more of my advance scouts just popped. We're right on top of them!"

It wasn't another thirty seconds before they reached two out of the three. Kankuro and Temari were waiting for them, and didn't give them a moment to breathe. The second they were in sight a massive gale blasted towards the leaf genin, forcing Naruto to go upside down and propel himself behind a tree for cover.

"What the hell, Temari!" He shouted, when the wind died down.

"I'm sorry!" She shouted back. "But I have my orders!"

Naruto's eyes blazed. "I am sick." He growled. "And tired. Of having to fight nice people beca **use they BLINDLY FOLLOW ORDERS!** "

"Eeeasy foxy." Sasuke patted his head. "Drop me off here with a few shadow clones. I'll take care of them, you go after Gaara."

"What?" Naruto tried to crane his neck to look over his shoulder. "Heck no, you can't fight with your leg like that! And Temari shreds my shadow clones, you won't last two minutes!"

"Then you'd better deal with sandy real fast." Sasuke was stonefaced.

Naruto shook his head. "Nuh-uh, plan cancelled. New plan, maybe can we-"

"Left!"

Naruto, in a display of his complete trust in his teammate, immediately went left.

Unfortunately, Sasuke had meant that the attack was _coming_ from the left, and Naruto almost got beheaded by a massive wooden monstrosity.

Kankuro's puppet swung for him, and he ducked, Sasuke kicked it away with his good leg, and Naruto jumped both away.

"Dumbass-"

"You said left! What, was I meant to _not go left?_ "

Kankuro's puppet turned to point it's arm at them, right as Temari started to move her fan again.

That was when a chittering filled the air.

It was not the 'one-thousand birds' technique. It was, however, a fuckton of actual birds.

Black and white paper birds, hundreds of the little things, flew in between the trees, mobbing Kankuro, Temari and the puppet.

"Would you two like some assistance?" A boy in a black outfit jumped up to Naruto and Sasuke and smiled.

" _Sai_?" Naruto and Sasuke asked simultaneously.

"You should both continue your pursuit of Sand's jinchurikki." Sai continued. "Naruto has shown he can confront him on equal footing, and Sasuke should be useful in surpressing the one-tails. I will deal with these two."

"Didn't you get curb-stomped by Hinata?" Naruto asked, dubiously.

Sai pulled out his scroll and turned to face the recovering sand genin. The smile had fallen from his face, and with it every usual feature of the quiet, quirky member of team Gai. "I assure you." He said, staring down his opponents confidently. "I am much more than what you have seen of me. Go. Now."

Naruto and Sasuke didn't need any further encouragement. Sai began drawing, and Naruto fled after his target.

* * *

Itachi was very much concerned. He had tried very hard to stab this Kimimaro, and Kimimaro was not dead. This did not happen very often. The white haired boy (he couldn't be much more than 15) had the same damn curse mark as Sasuke, with no compunctions about using it to completely cover his skin in black marks. Not to mention he was clearly a taijutsu specialist, and whatever his bloodline limit was it let him grow bones out of just about anywhere to deflect the occasional sword strike that slipped through. All in all, he was perfectly equipped to survive thirty seconds of kenjutsu with one of the most powerful ninja of his generation.

Itachi was sorely tempted to Amaterasu the fool and be done with it, but Sarutobi had repeatedly warned him he wasn't much use to the leaf village blind. Not to mention there wasn't room for any large scale ninjutsu in the corridors, with civilians on one side still asleep from the genjutsu. Speaking of which, he had already tried to catch Kimimaro in one, but the bastard _would not look up_ , and none of Itachi's showoff finger point genjutsu were strong enough to get his opponent. Tl;dr, it had been thirty seconds and he was _still fighting Kimimaro_.

"You're good." He admitted, continuing to swing at basically the speed of lightning. "But we both know you're not good enough. Surrender now, or die in thirty more seconds."

"Not possible. I am following my master's orders, and cannot disobey." Kimimaro replied, evenly.

"Your master has ordered you to die." Itachi pointed out.

"No." Kimimaro replied. "He has ordered me to distract you."

 _Oh you son of a-_

 _Fuck it._

Itachi made twenty handseals in the time it would take Sasuke to make two. "Fire style! Ultimate burning dragon jutsu!"

Kimimaro managed to look shocked. A massive (as the name implied) fire dragon burst forth from his hands, filling the entire corridor as it rushed towards Kimimaro. The jutsu grabbed the hostile ninja up in its jaws and continued to hurtle through the corridor, blackening the wood and eventually slamming through the window at the walkway's end. It continued to fly through the air above Konoha's skyline and would do so until the chakra Itachi had put in it ran out, but he had already forgotten about it; following it out the window but jumping up to reach the box where he'd last seen his Hokage. His long honed pursuit and tracking skills were quickly rendered unimportant, however. "Gee," Itachi muttered to himself, "do you think perhaps he's in the _giant purple box on top of the stadium?"_

* * *

Hinata was beginning to realise she may have a stubborn streak. She had refused to get out of the hospital bed when she had heard a distant explosion. She had pulled the covers tighter over her head when her Byakugan saw all the doctors and nurses in the complex panicking. She had curled up into a ball when Sound and Sand ninja had entered the complex and began to fight the medic-nin present.

When one of them angrily threw aside the curtain cordoning off her area, she finally (grudgingly) kicked off the covers and slammed some palm strikes across his body, sending him to the floor unconscious. A few moments after that, when she was making her way back into bed, Haku appeared behind her. "Oh good, you're up." The boy had senbon in his hands. "Come help me clear the rest of the hospital." Hinata growled, and complied.

They worked together with brutal efficiency, Hinata wordlessly directing Haku to the remaining attackers in the building. She noticed with some pride that most of them were wearing chunin flak vests, but working together with Haku she was able to put all of them on the floor with little difficulty. She made sure not to kill any of them.

"That was the last one." She eventually said, throwing a ninja's unconscious body to the floor dismissively.

"Great." Haku was in full assassin-apprentice mode. "We need to move. Your teammates should be in or nearby the arena, if we move fast we can get-"

"No. Sorry." Hinata turned, and started to walk back to her room.

"Wait, what?" Haku grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. Hinata looked back at him with dead eyes.

"You can't just go back to sleep!" The boy exclaimed. "We're under attack!"

"I can't trust myself out there." Hinata replied, tonelessly.

"You can't-" Haku winced. "Is this about your talk with Naruto?"

Hinata flinched.

"It is? Oh perfect...look I'm still not okay with you insulting him like that, but we have bigger things to worry about right now than your lovers' quarrel-"

"Hold on." Hinata held up a hand. "I insulted _him_?"

"Well, yes." Haku blinked. "You called him a monster, he was muttering about it as he left. Apparently he's been in a mood all day-"

"What? No!" Hinata fell back a step. "He's not a...I'm..." She replayed the conversation in her head, and paled. "The Kyuubi."

"That's what he thought, yes." Haku rolled his eyes. "Look, you can apologise to him when we get to him, right now we need to move-"

"No!"

"Oh will you just tell me the root of the issue already!"

Hinata gulped. "I...I almost killed Sasuke. I was _going_ to. Because I couldn't control myself, because of the curse mark, I...how can I trust myself around Naruto?"

"Hinata, the fact that you're scared is evidence enough!" Haku grabbed her by the shoulders. "Listen to me. You're not the only one who cares about Naruto. _A lot_."

"Are you saying you're-"

"I'm fucked up in the head; I don't even think sexuality comes into it." Haku sighed. "And I know you're worried you'll hurt him. But frankly at this point you'll have to risk it."

"But I-"

" _He needs you_." Haku stared Hinata dead in the eyes. "You two are a team, right? It's not _hard_ to not kill him, just..don't kill him? Maybe? And besides, if you're not there, someone else might do it for you."

Hinata grimaced, and tried to phrase what she was thinking. "You're telling me exactly what I want to hear." She said, eventually. "It's not that I think you're trying to deceive me, it's just...I want to believe you. So badly."

"Hinata." Haku smiled at her. "You are allowed to be happy."

It was like she had been waiting for that permission for five years.

Hinata stepped backwards. Breathed in, and breathed out. Then nodded. "Follow me." She took off for a nearby stairwell.

"The entrance is the other way!" Haku told her.

"I know!" She shouted back. "We're going to the roof!"

* * *

"...Son of a bitch!" Sasuke shouted, randomly.

"Realise something?" Naruto asked distractedly, from underneath him. Most of his attention was on Gaara's scent, not far ahead of them.

"Why Sai said I'd be useful in suppressing Gaara." Sasuke answered. "I mean, I'm offended, it's a thing that's pissed my clan off for years, but he has a point."

"Explain?" Naruto hurried him.

"Right, sorry." Sasuke apologised. "Basically there's three ways we know of to suppress a bijuu. One is with sealing like the Uzumaki clan's good at, which is how the Kyuubi was put in you. Then there's the first Hokage's chakra suppression thingy which is _somehow_ a wood release ability, and then there's the Uchiha. Apparently a fully evolved Sharingan can use genjutsu on the bijuu."

"So you can put Shukaku to sleep?" Naruto cut through the author's exposition with his usual bluntness.

"I mean, probably?" Sasuke winced. "I don't know! We spend so much time _denying_ making the Kyuubi destroy the leaf, nobody bothered to teach me _how_!"

"You could do the thing you did to Tenten? You put her unconscious." Naruto offered.

"...Maybe?" Sasuke guessed. "But I'm not that good at it yet. To do it you'd have to get my crippled ass within kissing range of..." he gulped, and pointed. "That."

Naruto stopped, and looked at the figure in front of him. The kyuubi's insistent pressure, now feeling like a fox was scratching at the insides of his stomach, increased. "Hey...Gaara?"

Gaara looked up. The sand was all over him. Wisps of the stuff surrounded his entire body, but were concentrated on his left side. His arm was completely covered, and had forked into the same claw Naruto had seen in the arena, only bigger. The sand had also spread partway down his leg and across his midriff, and most frighteningly, his face. He looked at them with a twisted smile, half of which was warped and etched into the sand covering the majority of his head. " **Naruto**." He growled. " **It's good to see you again. Our duel was interrupted; would you like to continue?** "

"Shadow clone jutsu." Naruto muttered, and passed Sasuke off to one of his duplicates. "Damn right I want to continue!" He shouted. "But wouldn't it be better to do it without your furry friend?"

" **I cannot be stopped-cannot stop it, any longer**." Gaara corrected himself. " **Perhaps you could, in my place, but it does not matter. I have enough time before he emerges to kill you!** "

He threw back his head, and roared. " **Come, try to kill me! Give my life meaning!** "

"Drama queen." Sasuke remarked.

"I'll try to restrain him." Naruto told his teammate, before jumping into action.

His first move, naturally, was to summon a squad of shadow clones.

Gaara came at them, swinging his bijuu-arm with reckless abandon. Naruto had never seen him as much as run before, but he was _fast_ now, keeping up with the shadow clones and crushing them with relative ease. However, his usual sand manipulation abilities seemed to have left him.

Naruto gleefully began to cast all the jutsu that had previously been ineffective, peppering Gaara with shadow shuriken and, finally, being able to punch him with noticeable effect. None of this seemed to cause any actual pain to the jinchurikki, who just seemed to get angrier. He was able to catch the real Naruto with a swipe and throw him backwards into a nearby tree, crunching in the bark. Naruto, feeling no pain (which he had a sneaking suspicion meant the kyuubi was starting to influence him, great,) got back up and started making the wind blade hand seals, worriedly noting that his chakra levels were actually dipping. _**Aim for the human part. The sand protects him, but if I can catch him on the uncovered part of his head-**_

 _Wait._

 _Since when the hell could you talk to me?_

Naruto grimaced and fired off the blade, and it struck Gaara's claw arm. He shrugged it off and charged again.

 _ **Kill the pathetic human. If you kill the host, the bijuu alone is severely weakened-**_

 _I don't want him dead! I want him restrained!_

Naruto found a sufficiently sturdy looking tree and positioned Gaara between him and it, then summoned a new squad of clones. "Buffeting wind jutsu!" They chorused. Gaara's new form suffered from higher surface area and low grip on the floor, and the combined gust caught him up and forced him against the tree. Instead of using it like a blast, Naruto kept up the pressure, keeping Gaara trapped against the tree's surface and gradually walking closer, as more of the surviving clones joined his endeavour. More sand spread across his body, but Gaara couldn't move.

"Now, Sasuke!" Naruto shouted.

The clone carrying his teammate jumped down from the battle's outskirts and began sprinting towards the trapped jinchurikki, as Sasuke activated his Sharingan.

The sand, having almost completely taken over Gaara's face, moved of its own accord. " **Wind bullet!** " Shukaku declared, and then launched a blast of compressed air that pummelled right through Naruto's technique and cancelled it out with a sonic boom. Then he jumped off the tree and batted the Uzumaki aside.

"Naruto!" Sasuke shouted.

" **No interfering! Die!** " Gaara shouted, propelling himself at the Uchiha and the shadow clone carrying him. Said clone had been running full pelt towards Gaara, and was now skidding to a stop as a giant sand claw came swinging for Sasuke's face.

He flinched, closing his eyes-

...

...

And then, when the pain didn't come, opened them again. Gaara, almost fully transformed now, was stood in front of him, straining desperately to claw his face in.

But Gaara was restrained.

Blue-yellow _glowing_ chains wrapped around his arms and midriff, causing all the sand touching them to fall to the floor. Sasuke tracked those chains backwards to their source, where they were tightly held by a red faced, grimacing Naruto.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke shouted.

"I don't know!" Naruto panted back. "Just get him! Now!"

Sasuke acquiesced. He stared right into Gaara's eyes and poured chakra through his own Sharingan. "Alright, asshole. Time to Sabaku-go to sleep!"

Gaara's one human eye struggled to stay open, as his body flailed in place, and he let out a gutteral "no..." but eventually, he collapsed. The sand on his body dropped off him, the chains (whatever the hell they were) disappeared, and he collapsed into a pile of his own sand. Sasuke promptly overbalanced his shadow clone mount and fell onto the floor, groaning.

"Sabaku-go-to-sleep? That was the best you could come up with?" Naruto gasped out.

"Hey, you did it in your fight!" Sasuke flailed an arm at him. "And what the hell were those chains?"

"I...don't know." Naruto looked down at his hands in confusion. "I didn't use hand seals or anything they just...came out."

"Sounds like sealing." Sasuke mused, staring up at the sky. "Or maybe a bloodline limit? Who knows, you might have-" He paused. Blinked. Looked down at Gaara's form. "Uh, Naruto? Am I losing it or is that sand still moving?"

Naruto looked. The sand around Gaara was still shifting. "No, you're not crazy. Uh..." the voice in his head he was getting very suspicious about was growling to him again.

"Uh, Sasuke? You definitely did it properly?"

"I did the sleep thing, yeah." Said Sasuke, limping to his feet. The sand around Gaara was definitely moving now, expanding and swirling about him.

"So Gaara's asleep?" Naruto confirmed.

"Yes, Gaara's asleep." Sasuke began to move away from the sand, that was beginning to take shape. The dark blue markings were appearing on it again.

"Well in that case," Naruto gulped. "Who's keeping Shukaku in check?"

"...fuck."

Black-hold eyes appeared in the mass of sand, as did a gaping mouth. " **Well...About God-damn time!** " Declared the first of the tailed beasts.

* * *

 **Hooo boy. I hope you didn't think I was forgetting about Naruto, did you? Yes, I'm giving him the Chakra Chains. Unless you subscribe to the theory that only _redhead_ Uzumaki get them (I.E, everyone else). Do you agree with me letting him access them? I wanted him to have a more diverse arsenal than _just_ 'rasengan and shadow clones.'**

 **Sasuke is great, he just has no idea what he's doing, and Hinata has got out of her slump.**

 **Due to some knock on effects of Neji joining the Akatsuki rather than Itachi, Kimimaro is no longer crippled, so he gets to take part in the mission. Obviously he gets cucked by Itachi, they're not nearly on the same level. But for a limited time, he is good enough to slow him down.**

 **Next chapter: big fuckoff sand monster.**


	28. Konoha Skyline: Now with Giant Monsters

**Konoha Skyline: Now With Giant Monsters**

* * *

The Reaper Death Seal.

Do not fuck around with this thing.

Seriously.

The moment the Uzumaki showed me this thing I was like 'damn you genuinely got this to work what is wrong with you, like how did you _test_ this.'

Tobirama is now telling me to be more concise.

Ahem.

-The Reaper Death Seal or 'dead demon consuming seal' is a sealing technique developed the Uzumaki clan that allows you to summon the _Literal Grim Reaper_.

-It's important to note that using this technique requires you to sacrifice your soul to the Reaper, which is a pretty fucking steep price, making it a suicide jutsu.

-After summoning the Reaper, the user must successfully grapple their target to bring the effects of the jutsu to bear. At this point the Reaper will become visible to the target and they will be rendered almost completely immobile.

-If the user dies before successfully carrying out their objective, the jutsu predictably fails.

-The primary use of this jutsu is to have the Reaper consume the target's soul, in an almost unstoppable instant kill. However, the Reaper can also be used for other incredibly powerful sealing techniques, such as removing access to limbs, limiting the target's power, or even meddling with the chakra of the bijuu. (Note to self, ask Lady Mito some _questions._ ) It says here 'limits not found' so, you know.

-After the user's soul is forfeit, they may target additional nonsentients such as shadow clones, physical objects, or Edo Tensei summons (Note to self, ask _Tobirama_ some questions.) However, only one true life may be sealed successfully.

-All lives forfeit to the Reaper will be sealed in the belly of the Reaper for eternal torment. From there they will be inaccessible to the Edo Tensei unless the Reaper Release Mask (located in the private Uzumaki clan vaults) is used in a ritual that sacrifices _another_ soul. But come on, when is that ever going to be important?

- _Official Statement from Hokage Senju Hashirama, on storing this technique in the 'Don't Fuck With These' Scroll._

* * *

Orochimaru grimaced, and twitched his fingers.

Sarutobi winced, and tugged.

"How long is it going to take you to die?" The snake Sannin hissed.

"How long is it going to take you to lose your soul?" The Hokage growled.

Both paused.

"It's going to be like five episodes isn't it?"

"Oh yeah, at least five."

* * *

"Since when could he do _that_?"

" _ **I Don't Know**_!"

Sasuke piggybacking, Naruto sprinted through the forest. Behind them, the forest was rapidly disintegrating. Towering above the treeline was Shukaku, it's giant sand avatar roaring triumphantly as it batted aside the surrounding flora and chased after the fleeing genin. Gaara was barely visible as a speck, sprouting from it's forehead.

"We need to stop it." Sasuke told Naruto.

" **I know!** "

"We're leading it right to Konoha!"

" **I know!** "

" _Naruto_!"

" _ **What?**_ "

"You're doing the demon voice thing again!"

" **I**..." Naruto grimaced, then shook his head. "Sorry. Shukaku being fully awake has really riled the Kyuubi up, and I just," his voice turned to a whine. "I've just had a really tough couple days, alright?"

He jumped, managing to stay above a tsunami of sand that smashed the trees below his feet.

"Maybe..." Sasuke hedged. "Maybe we should try letting out the Kyuubi?"

" _What_?"

"Just a little!" Sasuke held his hands up defensively, then immediately dropped them back to Naruto's shoulders. "It really helped back on the bridge!"

"We really do not need more giant monsters walking around," Naruto countered. Then he paused. "Actually...maybe we do."

"What?"

Naruto kicked off the next tree and skidded to a stop on the ground, dropping off Sasuke and biting one finger enough to draw blood. _Alright mister nine-tails. You've been trying to let out your chakra all day. This is your chance, so don't you dare hold back on me now!_

The internal challenge was met with a _gigantic_ burst of energy, and his eyes widened as red chakra flooded his system. He slammed his bloodied palm to the ground. "Summoning jutsu!"

There was a boom.

A massive plume of smoke billowed up from the forest floor, scattering nearby trees and sand. Shukaku turned to glare at the new threat.

Naruto waved away the smoke to find himself stood on the head of a very large red toad. He grinned, turning towards Shukaku, then frowned. _Red_ skin? He looked down. "Gamaken?" He shouted, looking in shock at the toad summon.

"Naruto! What is this?!" Next to him, Sasuke was stood on top of the head of a different toad entirely, this one aquamarine coloured.

"Gamahiro?" Naruto looked at that one, blankly.

"Well met, Naruto!" The toad beneath him rumbled. "You trust us to take down this big sandy menace? We'll do our best!"

"Waitwaitwait." Naruto held up a hand. "Thanks, guys, really, but...where the hell is Gamabunta?"

* * *

"Mwahaha! I am the toad Sage, Jiraiya! Snakes and traitors, fear me! Leaf ninja and ~ladies~, rally behind me! Let's take back our village!"

Beneath Jiraiya, Gamabunta jumped, swinging his sword and decapitating one of the giant snakes. It was obvious Orochimaru was involved, nobody else had enough clout with the snakes to summon this many big ones. And they _were_ big; the three remaining were towering over Konoha's buildings and destroying everything they saw.

"Doing good down there, Gamabunta?" Jiraiya called to his summon.

"Havin' the time o' my life, Jiraiya! Ha ha! Huh?" Gamabunta paused and turned his head. Off in the distance, three other massive figures were clashing in Konoha's forest. "Gamahiro? Gamaken?" Gamabunta's eyes were wide. "Who summoned them? And what is _Shukaku_ doing awake?"

"Naruto." Jiraiya muttered. "What have you gotten up to?"

* * *

Sai was in trouble.

He constructed a new set of paper shuriken and threw them, but Temari blew them all straight back. When she was recovering from the move he darted in with his sword, but was intercepted by Kankuro's puppet. Stabbing it in the chest did nothing, and it caught his attempt to behead it. Then a spike emerged from its mouth, and he was forced to leap backwards, at which point another gust from Temari's fan caught him and threw him into a tree.

He had expected to face at best two chunin level opponents. He'd been ready for that. But Kankuro and Temari had been trained from young ages to protect-slash-suppress a jinchurikki.

 _Chunin level is an underestimation. They could have passed these exams years ago._

Their teamwork was also a deciding factor; the sand siblings were incredibly synchronised. Temari could deflect all his projectiles, Kankuro's puppet could counter his ink creatures. Sai's biggest, a large humanoid summon, performed well against the puppet. But Temari had turned the wind sharp, and repeatedly torn into the homunculus. Now it was tattered, and could barely walk.

"May I advise you both surrender?" Sai offered.

Temari snorted. "Nope. Hey, you're one of those asshats that works for Danzo, right? Isn't he our inside guy? Why are you attacking us?"

"Destabilising the village and killing the Hokage was the primary goal." Sai explained. "One secondary was to capture the one-tails, possibly extracting it and putting it in someone loyal to leaf."

"That treacherous motherfucker." Kankuro said, almost appreciatively.

Sai saw an opportunity to emotionally destabilise them. "And besides, it's not even the Kazekage my master is consorting with."

"You what?" Temari blinked.

"You've been following the orders of a dangerous missing-nin." Sai smiled. "Orochimaru had your father killed three months ago. Strange, that even his children couldn't even recognise his doppelgänger."

It got to them. Both froze, and exchanged glances. That was when Sai struck. He darted at Kankuro at top speed, swinging his sword for the boy's neck. Their disorientation only bought him a moment, but that time was significant for a ninja. Temari swung her fan, and the wind was able to catch him before he reached her brother, so he was forced to re-angle his strike, drawing his blade across Kankuro's face rather than his throat. The puppet-master howled.

Sai landed on (crashed into) another tree, then grunted, as he realised the girl had slipped some sharpened wind into her attack. There was blood on his chest.

"That's it." Temari growled. "Now you're dead. Try going for either of my brothers again, and see where it gets you!"

"Sis?" Checked Kankuro, hands on his face, covering his wound. His voice was remarkably calm. "Imma need you to point me at him."

"Listen for the sounds of dying Root members." She told him. "And send your puppet there."

Sai readied himself. He had been careless, and would be slower now, while she was angry. That could be used against her if _she_ was careless, but Kankuro hadn't been taken out of the fight like he had hoped, so their teamwork was still intact. He considered retreating, and hoping that Naruto and Sasuke had successfully apprehended the jinchurikki.

Fortunately, he didn't have to. There was a flash, and Temari's next wave of cutting wind collided harmlessly onto a sheet of blue ice.

* * *

Haku dropped down from the sky and manifested a slope of ice beneath himself, skidding downwards until he had shed enough of his momentum to safely stop.

"Sorry to interrupt." He began, fishing senbon from his sleeves. "But I figured if there was a fight occurring I should lend a...hand..." He paused and looked across at the Konoha genin, a pale boy with dark hair and clothing that revealed a distracting amount of midriff. "...hello~" He said, smiling slyly.

"...Hello." Said the boy, looking him up and down. "I'm trying to apprehend these two; they're the children of the Kazekage."

"High priority targets. Nice." Haku dispelled his ice wall, revealing an angry but wary looking Temari. "Where are Naruto and Sasuke?"

"Up ahead, fighting the third child." Sai told her. "I have to ask; how exactly did you get here?"

Haku grinned and looked up. "I hitched a ride."

* * *

"Stop enjoying this! Stop enjoying this!"

"AHAHAHAHA! I'm on a massive fucking frog!"

"Toad!"

Sasuke and Gamahiro were apparently having a whale of a time. He had anchored his legs to the head of the blue toad and was generally just enjoying the ride; as his mount jumped around swung its oversized swords all over the place.

The last time Naruto had ridden a toad it had been Gamabunta in the dark and the toad had been drunk and he had come close to being sick, so he was a little less enthusiastic. Or the giant sand tanooki wearing Gaara as a headpiece might be the thing dampening his mood; hard to say.

"Water bullet!" Declared Gamaken, launching his jutsu just as Gamahiro made another slashing attempt. The water blast cancelled out Shukaku's own air attack, giving Gamahiro an opening to completely lop off his arm. The sand that made it up fell to the ground with a thump, and a new limb almost immediately grew in its place. Shukaku then used it to sock Gamahiro in the face, sending him crashing backwards through the trees.

"Are we hurting it?" Naruto asked Gamaken.

"The sand avatar's just temporary," Groused the toad. "And he's got more chakra than both of us _and_ Gamabunta combined. We're doing nothing."

"Then what _can_ we do?" Naruto asked, exasperated.

"Kill the jinchurikki." The frog deadpanned.

" _What_?"

"Or just wake him up, that'd probably work."

"Alright, how do we do that?"

"Hell if I know!" Gamaken shouted, before jumping away from another air bullet. "I'll try and get you close!" He charged in again.

If anything, Shukaku had gotten bigger since the start of the fight, though Naruto didn't really have much to scale it against. Gamahiro was forced to jump to get towards its face; which put him in a terrible position. Shukaku snapped forwards at the blue toad, biting down on his throat eliciting a cry of pain.

Gamahiro desummoned.

"Now's our chance!" Gamaken shouted, jumping up while Shukaku was still clearing the smoke from his face. Naruto tensed, ready to jump up to Gaara's unconscious form. Then he spotted a black shape falling in front of the sand.

" _Sasuke_!" He shouted, then immediately jumped down towards his friend. Angling his body towards the profusely swearing genin, he was able to catch him halfway to the floor.

"Naruto!" Sasuke shouted, "You absolute maniac now we're both falling!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but at least I can-"

There was a blur, and they were both caught up in a red hand.

"You're both crazy!" Declared the toad-

But his impromptu rescue put him in a terrible position. Shukaku spun in place, and batted Gamaken with his tail, sending him flying across the forest, Naruto and Sasuke wth him.

The toad crashed amongst the trees with a groan, opening his fist to reveal the humans inside. "You okay?" He asked.

"We're fine!" Naruto shouted back. "You?"

"Terrible." Gamaken tried to sit up, but failed. "If he hits me with anything else, I'll desummon."

Across the forest, Shukaku fell forwards until he was on all fours. His mouth opened, and red and blue motes of light appeared there.

"Yeah, that'd do it." Gamaken growled. "Bijuu bomb."

"What's a-" Naruto paused. "Okay the Kyuubi does _not_ want to get hit by that we need to move."

"I can't." Gamaken grimaced. "You'll have to jump. Go!"

In Shukaku's mouth, the light collected to form a purple sphere of condensed energy. Naruto picked up Sasuke ("I'm getting real sick of this!" "Yeah me too!") and started running across Gamaken's arm.

Shukaku fired the bijuu-bomb.

Naruto jumped.

There was a bird-like screech.

The purple orb tore across the forest, destroying everything in its path, and it was so massive that it looked like Naruto and Sasuke were going to be caught in it before they could land and escape into the forest. That was when both heard a very familiar voice from behind them.

Riding in on the back of an owl summon, white eyes glinting, Hinata reached out a hand and snagged the pair out of the sky, dropping them on the back of the bird with her. "Need a lift?" She asked, casually.

The bijuu bomb went straight through Gamaken, immediately desummoning him. It didn't even explode yet, which was good, as it allowed Hinata's summon to flap desperately and pull her up above the curve of the murder-sphere.

"Hinata?" Naruto gaped. "What are-how did you-what?"

"Bird." She explained, succinctly. "I dropped Haku off in the forest, he should be taking out Temari and Kankuro now. Naruto I..." she turned around to face him. He winced a little, recalling how their last conversation had gone. Then she dropped into a kowtow. "I'm so sorry." She said.

He blinked. "What?"

"I'm sorry." She repeated, not looking up. (Chakra made it easy enough to maintain a bow while riding a ten foot owl.) "I didn't mean to say what I said, it was a misunderstanding, but that doesn't matter because I still hurt your feelings and I was too scared to come talk to you about it because I almost killed Sasuke an hour earlier and I didn't trust myself not to hurt you and-" she paused for breath.

"Hinata-"

"I'm just so sorry." She finished.

Naruto just looked at her for a moment. Then he sighed. "Hinata, it's okay."

She still didn't lift from the bow. "It...but-"

"It was dumb of me to think you would suddenly start hating me because I'm a jinchurikki when you _already knew_ it," he scratched the back of his head. "So that was kinda my fault-but I know you don't like it when I blame myself!" He added, hurriedly, before she could say something. "So how about we just say that I'm sorry, you're sorry, and everyone forgives everyone else?"

He squatted down until he was at her level, and pulled her chin up so he could see her face. "I mean, come on. Friends do stuff like that, and we're friends, aren't we?"

She stared at him, tears in her eyes. Then something very strange happened.

Hinata laughed.

She fell backwards onto her haunches and crossed her arms over her stomach, breaking out into a fit of giggling. It was euphoric, slightly crazy, and frankly the most adorable thing Naruto had ever seen. He didn't have any time to say anything before she had thrown herself forwards, wrapping him up in a full body hug, burying her head in his shoulder.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"Um." He blinked. He looked across at Sasuke and mouthed _what?_

 _I don't know!_ Sasuke gestured back.

"I...guess this means I made you smile, right?" Naruto finished. It was the only thing he could think to say.

"I guess so." She whispered back.

"As much as I hate to interrupt your moment." The owl they were riding on spoke up. "May I remind you all that we are being ATTACKED BY A BIJUU? I'VE BEEN EVADING IT FOR TWO MINUTES!"

Naruto and Hinata quickly broke apart, blushing.

Beneath them all Shukaku roared, the fight music started playing, and everyone jolted back into action.

"Right, got it." Naruto clapped his hands together. "Team is back together baby! WOO, New plan! Mister bird, fly towards the big murder sand monster!"

"Do as he says." Hinata instructed, acting as though nothing had happened and walking forwards to crouch by the owl's head.

Sasuke dropped down beside her as the owl fell into a steep dive. "Just so you know, I forgive you for trying to kill me because I was also trying to kill you and we were both being manipulated."

"Thank you." Hinata replied, in a surprisingly genuine tone of voice. "Thanks for betraying your entire clan rather than killing me."

"No problem." He replied, conversationally. "So do we actually have a plan?"

"Sure we do!" Naruto shouted over the steadily rising wind, the owl plummeting towards Shukaku. "Sasuke! Fireballs in it's face, blind it!"

"On it!" Sasuke replied, then began running through the great fireball hand seals.

"Hinata!" Naruto turned to her. "Fly the owl and look cute!"

"I-what-"

"And as for me," Naruto shrugged. "Well, since I can't do anything else." He leaned backwards and kicked off the owl.

Hinata shouted his name but he had already gone, diving straight towards Shukaku's head. Sasuke had already started bombarding the monster's eyes with fireballs, leaving it blind and Naruto with a straight shot at Gaara on its forehead. Or he would have, if he hadn't mistimed his jump. He had overshot. Son of a-

 _Hell no. I'm done being a screwup! I made a dramatic speech and everything!_

He reached out towards Gaara, reaching for the power that had cropped up a matter of minutes earlier. It responded. Blue-yellow chains manifested around his arms and blasted forwards, burying themselves in the sand of Shukaku's forehead. He fell past, and the chains went taut, almost jerking his arms out of his sockets as they began to convert his downwards momentum into lateral speed. The chains seemed to damage Shukaku's control over the sand; as Naruto began to swing, they began to cut through the sand that made up the side of the bijuu's face, then it's neck...

His arc turned vertical again and the chains disappeared, as the best part of Shukaku's face disintegrated, cut off from the rest of its body. Naruto quickly summoned another shadow clone in mid air, then kicked off it, using the momentum to throw himself towards Shukaku's rapidly reforming head. He landed on the sand, stumbled, caught himself, then threw himself up the slope towards Gaara's limp, unconscious upper body. The grains swirled around his feet, trying to suck him in with every step he took.

"I get it you've been through a lot lately." Naruto panted. "But this is _not_." He took another step. "The _time_." And another. "For a _nap_!" He burst free of the sand and lunged for Gaara.

He was feeling diplomatic, so he punched him in the face.

Gaara's head rocked back (it had been a harder punch than Naruto had intended) and his eyes snapped open, darting around wildly. "Naruto?" He whispered.

Beneath them, Shukaku roared.

" **NO! Don't put me back! Don't you dare!** "

But it was too late for the bijuu. Gaara was awake and kicking, literally, fighting to free himself of the sand around his lower body. The avatar was crumbling, Shukaku's newly reformed face practically melting as his body fell to the earth, swamping the surrounding forest in a small tsunami of sand.

All that was left was a large owl flapping in the air.

"...Do you think he can actually function without being so dramtic?" Sasuke remarked.

* * *

Atop the mound of sand, the fight continued in a much more primitive manner.

"DIE!" Gaara screamed, voice hoarse, swinging punch after punch like a man (still) possessed.

Naruto blocked them all impassively. Gaara had clearly been relying on the protection of the sand around him all his life; his taijutsu was nonexistent.

"I have to kill you!" Gaara continued. "You _have_ to die!"

"Why?" Naruto asked, still blocking.

"You MUST!" Gaara spat at him, panting. Turns out he was also incredibly unfit, for a ninja. "You must give...my life...meaning!"

Tired of the farce, Naruto caught the next punch, and the next, so he held both of Gaara's fists in his. Then he fell forwards and enveloped his fellow jinchurikki in a hug.

Gaara struggled for a moment, them went limp.

"Kill me." He whispered.

"I am getting real sick of people asking me that." Naruto sighed. "Look, this may sound crazy, so bear with me, but you could always...not? Define your existence with murder?"

"But I'm a monster." Gaara tensed.

"You have a monster _in_ you." Naruto corrected. "Not the same thing. You can tell, because _I_ haven't tried to destroy the leaf village."

"How can you possibly control it so well?" Gaara asked.

Naruto shrugged. "Way I see it, the Kyubi isn't a curse. It's my tenant. It stays quiet, doesn't make a mess, and sometimes? I make it pay _rent_." Naruto paused. "Oh damn I'm saving that line for later that was amazing."

"I have _tried_." Gaara told him. "I have tried kindness. No matter what I do, any attempt is met with fear, and hate."

"Pretty sure Temari liked the fox you got her." Naruto pointed out. "Look. At the end of the day, you can either go on murdering as a pastime and being...just... _sad_. Or you can actually try. Be nice, and keep being nice until people are nice back. Be _happy_. Worked for me!"

Gaara straightened. Naruto released the hug and stepped back, cautiously.

Some of the sand from around them flew up into the air, pulling together and reshaping into the gourd Gaara always carried. It affixed itself to his back, and some more sand flowed into it until it was full.

"As heir apparent to the Kazekage," He said, looking for all the world like nothing had happened. "I issue a formal, unconditional surrender." He paused. "I think...I would like to go and see my family now."

* * *

 **And with that, the Konoha Crush comes to a close. Team Seven sorts out all the chaos these exams have caused them, Hinata passes the 'allowed to smile' milestone (seriously though, making sure I never accidentally made her smile up until now was an ass) and Gaara is defeated with Naruto's signature Talk no Jutsu. Haku is still hella gay, and Danzo is still an asshole.**

 **Next chapter, the aftermaths. And there's gonna be a _whole lot of aftermath_ after all this.**


	29. Aftermath 2: The Power Vaccuum

**Aftermaths #2: The Power Vaccuum**

* * *

The purple barrier fell and Itachi was _in_ , dodging past all the water and massive wooden structures, appearing immediately next to the only human form on the roof. Hiruzen Sarutobi was laying on the ceramic tiles, eyes closed. There was blood on his chest.

"Hokage-sama!" Itachi shouted, shaking the man by the shoulders, desperately.

Hiruzen opened one eye. "Itachi. Just a random thought, do you think perhaps exiling Orochimaru from the village was a mistake?"

Itachi didn't waste any time with banter, he picked the Hokage up immediately and dashed away, sprinting for the hospital.

"Don't bother." Hiruzen sighed, as the wind whipped at his uniform. "I've been stabbed, I'm old, and I just sold my soul to the Reaper. Or at least most of it; I'm not sure how much Death wants for two undead and a pair of arms."

 _Oh good, he's delusional._ "With respect, Hokage-sama, that sounds like an excuse."

"Hehehe." Hiruzen chuckled, though it quickly turned into a cough. "Well, at least I can say I just beat the first and second Hokage in a fight."

"Oh really, not the fourth?" Itachi muttered.

"No." Hiruzen sighed. "He sealed himself into the Reaper already, so Orochimaru couldn't summon him."

"With respect sir, shut the fuck up while I take you to-"

"Enough with the hospital, put me _down_ Itachi." Hiruzen sighed. "I should have died when the Kyuubi attacked twelve years ago. It looks like I'm out of borrowed time."

Grimacing, Itachi stopped his mad dash into central Konoha.

"Actually, if you could take me up the Hokage monument, that would be nice."

"Asshole." Nevertheless, Itachi did as instructed. Another few seconds, and he sat the old man down on the bust of Namikaze Minato.

"That's better." Hiruzen sighed. "If I'm going to die, I'd rather do it with a view."

"Your last seconds of life and you're using your guard as a valet service." Itachi rolled his eyes. "Is there any point in asking what happened in there?"

"I fought Orochimaru for six episodes. His arms are destroyed but he killed me."

"Fair enough."

Hiruzen gestured, weakly. "Look at it all, Itachi. What do you see?"

Itachi squinted. "Some smashed houses and one massive frog?"

"Your wit could cut the Susano'o, but let's be serious now, please."

The Uchiha sighed, and sat down next to his master. "I see my home. I see a lot of good people who are lucky to be alive, and a lot of good people who aren't."

"Quite so." Hiruzen nodded. "I cannot claim I die with no regrets, nor can I claim that there is nothing else I wish to do, but I can claim that I have always done what I believed to be right for this village. Yet even that was a double-edged sword, because of what it has done to some of the _individuals_ under my protection."

"We're talking about Naruto aren't we."

"Among others. I'm also sorry for what has happened to your own family. To the Hyuuga, to Minato, to my students...I have made quite a few mistakes."

"I know, sir." Itachi replied. "Remember the part where I was responsible for roughly half those things?"

"True." Hiruzen sighed. His grip on the stone beneath him had gradually slackened, until he was mostly laying on his side, looking out over the village. "It's not mine." He muttered, mostly to himself. "It was never mine. Nor Minato's, nor Tobirama's, nor even Hashirama's. It belongs to the people. To every soul who lives within it's houses, walks it's streets. That's what the will of fire means, what it _really_ means. Do you understand, Itachi?"

"Yes sir." He kept his face stoic. "I understand."

"Good. Then keep it safe, Itachi. And do a better job than I did."

"If I may ask, Hokage-sama." Itachi coughed into his fist. "There's one last thing you could do. If you had a recommendation for your successor, it would save a lot of drama."

"Of course, of course." Hiruzen closed his eyes. "But I...don't think there will be much contention...The obvious best choice...to replace me, has to be..." He trailed off.

"...Sir?" Itachi asked. There was no response. He reached forwards and put his hand to the third Hokage's neck. No pulse.

"...Motherfucker."

* * *

Some distance away, Kimimaro picked himself up from the charred, blackened remains of an empty house on Konoha's outskirts. He shook himself, and the outer layer of bone he had formed fell to the ground. Then he began walking off into the woods.

* * *

 **One hour later**

The battle was over. The Sound ninja were all dead or missing, and the Sand ninja were all dead or had surrendered when they had learned their Kage was an imposter. For that reason the village was mostly quiet, and even from within T&I, Temari could hear the wingbeats and cry of some large bird outside. She looked up.

"Oh, that was my ride." The ice boy, Haku, spoke, standing up and heading for the door. "I'll go check they're okay. Prisoners, please remain prisoners. Sai...catch you later?"

The murderous treacherous lying bastard smiled and inclined his head as Haku left.

As prison cells went, it wasn't the worst Temari had stayed in. Her position as the Kazekage's child lent her some legitimacy, so when Sai and Haku had brought her and her brother in, battered and bruised, they hadn't been subjected to nearly as much abuse as she had expected. None at all, even. She looked across at Kankuro, sat in the corner of the room. He didn't raise his head.

The door opened a few minutes later and she jumped to her feet, shooting a glare at Sai when he put his hand threateningly on his sword.

Her brother walked in.

"Gaara-"

She started forwards, hesitated, and then froze as Gaara moved towards _her_ and hugged her. It happened so suddenly and was over so quickly she barely had time to register it had happened.

"Wha-"

"Hello, sister." He stepped back and inclined his head. "Are you alright?"

Temari looked up over Gaara's shoulder. Team seven was stood in the doorway behind him, Naruto sending a cheerful wave.

"...I'm fine." She told her brother. "Nothing too serious. Kankuro though..." She gestured.

The eldest sand sibling finally looked up, though 'looked' may have been a misnomer. A white medical bandage was tied around his face, covering his eyes. Even since they had reapplied them ten minutes ago, more blood had seeped into the fabric.

"What is this." Gaara asked, calmly.

"Nothing much, bro." Sighed Kankuro. He pointed at Sai. "This sneaky motherfucker blinded me."

"I see." Gaara turned to the guilty party.

"He doesn't, though." Sai mentioned with a smile.

Cracks appeared in the gourd.

"Gaara..." Naruto warned.

"I am a prisoner-of-war, and wouldn't violate that protection with an unprovoked attack." Gaara assured him, not looking away from Sai. "That said, should we end up free...Kankuro, would you like me to avenge you or if would you rather do it yourself?"

"Oh, definitely involve me when the time comes." Informed Kankuro, smiling darkly.

"Excellent. Would you like a hug, brother?"

"Not right now, no."

"Very well."

"There is a lot of carefully contained aggression in this room right now," Sasuke stated, from the door. "And imma be honest I'm starting to get uncomfortable."

Sai stretched his arms and began to leave. "Well, I trust you three and the rest of T&I to keep them contained. Congratulations on apprehending them, team seven."

"You're not just an ordinary genin, are you?" Hinata said, looking at Sai carefully.

He smiled blankly at her. "Not quite, no. A word to the uninitiated; they may try to manipulate you. Ignore anything they say." He left the room.

Temari waited a good ten seconds before petulantly blurting out "Sai's working for Danzo who's working with Orochimaru who killed the Kazekage and betrayed the Leaf village."

"We know." The Konoha trio chorused.

Temari blinked. "You do?"

"Kakashi told us." Sasuke explained. "We don't know the whole story but basically Danzo is an asshat who's been plotting against the Hokage for years, but we can't just kill him because it would cause a bunch of political problems. Naruto's been trying to seduce Sai to the light side for like two months."

"I...think we may want to leave the seducing to Haku, actually." Mentioned Hinata, staring off into the middle distance.

"Really?" Naruto blinked. "Why?"

"Well I can see them with the Byakugan right now and-oh. Oh." The veins disappeared from her eyes and she blushed profusely.

"The Kazekage is dead?" Asked Gaara, quietly, completely ignoring team seven.

Temari grimaced, and nodded. "Orochimaru replaced him. Months ago, from what Sai said, but that might have been just psychological warfare-"

"No, in order to organise this he would have needed at least weeks of preparation time." Gaara corrected her. "The Kazekage has been dead for some time."

"You...don't sound upset." Temari tried.

"The Kazekage repeatedly had assassins sent after me to test my power and control." Gaara said, emotionlessly. "I have decided to try caring about people, and see how it works out. I will not attempt such with our deceased leader. He was no father of mine."

Everyone in the room (bar Kankuro) shuddered at that.

"Naruto, thanks for bringing my brother back." Temari said. "But now it's all over, I don't suppose you could do something about my fox?"

* * *

 **Ten minutes later**

Shikimaru wandered, holding a large bag but looking as bored as ever, into T&I. After some talking with the guards, he was let into the room housing the three Sand siblings.

"Yo." He began. Temari and Gaara looked up. Kankuro tensed.

There was a squeak, and out of the bag jumped a small red fox that scampered over and jumped into Temari's lap.

"Uzu!" She squealed two octaves higher than a self respecting shinobi should have, and scooped it up into her arms.

"I also brought some food for him, and some more stuff from your apartment I figured you might need."

"Thank you!" Temari said, looking up at him and blushing. "I...Thanks a lot."

"Damn right, that bag was heavy." Shikimaru smiled a little, trying to convey that he hadn't meant it, and turned to go.

"Wait." Called Kankuro over his shoulder. "Did you know?"

Shikimaru turned, with a surprised face. "Hn?"

"About the attack." Kankuro extrapolated. "Don't fuck with me, there's no reason to hide it now. You knew, didn't you?"

Shikimaru waited. For loooong seconds. Then, with the most innocent expression on his face, "I had no idea. Don't you think if I'd known I would have done something?"

"You..." Kankuro made a strangled sound, and stopped.

"Sorry about him." Temari winced. "He gets...paranoid."

"Don't worry about it. See you later." Shikimaru waved, and left.

A few minutes later, Kankuro found _his own_ planning map in the bottom of the bag, red string included. It was dotted with extra notes, helpful advice on deduction, and rationality book recommendations. He howled.

* * *

 **Another hour later**

"No." Naruto gulped.

"Yes." Confirmed Jiraiya, sadly. "Itachi brought his body in about an hour ago."

"The old man..." Naruto clenched his fists. "Who the hell beat the _Hokage_?"

"Orochimaru did." Sighed Jiraiya. "I think Sarutobi would be proud it was his student who did him in, if it wasn't like this."

Team seven had (the Uchiha compound being off limits) congregated in Naruto's small flat, or more specifically sprawled onto his sofa that was nowhere near big enough for them. Sasuke was delicately perched on one arm, and Hinata had used the opportunity to squeeze particularly close to Naruto. Nobody called her out on it. Jiraiya was sat in seiza before them all, with Kakashi leaning on the wall in one corner, absently toying with a kunai and looking into the middle distance.

"So what do we do?" Asked Hinata.

"For now, nothing." Jiraiya admitted.

" _What?_ "

" _Don't_ get any bright ideas." Kakashi warned from the corner. "Remember last time Orochimaru ran circles around your whole team?"

"There's nothing we can do." Jiraiya explained. "Itachi's over with the council right now while they desperately try to figure out what to do next. Both us and Suna are down a Kage, dozens of ninja and civilians are dead and nobody has a _clue_ what to do about the chunin exams. The last thing on our minds right now is going after a missing-nin we've spent a decade failing to track down."

"Fair enough...speaking of the chunin exams." Sasuke looked up. "What's happening about that? They better not be cancelled because if I went through all that shit and don't get promoted..."

"That's...a good question." Jiraiya crossed his arms. "The final decision generally falls to the Kage of the host village, with advice from the proctors and political pressure from the other villages. With Hiruzen dead...well, I can't imagine we'll get a replacement anytime-"

The door slammed open so fast the cheap rotted thing fell off it's hinges, revealing Itachi in the doorway.

"You three, with me." He pointed at them. "Hinata, Sasuke, game-face on. You will not _believe_ what's going on in there."

* * *

 **One minute earlier**

"We are in a time of crisis." Intoned Fugaku Uchiha, looking out across the clans' representatives. "Konoha cannot appear weakened by the invasion or we will invite reprisal; a new Kage must be chosen quickly."

"We are in agreement there." Said the head of the Aburame. "The problem? The lack of available candidates."

"One obvious solution would be one of the Sannin." Mentioned a Yamanaka.

"Except that Jiraiya is a bumbling oaf, Tsunade is a drunk, and Orochimaru just killed the last one." Drawled one of the Nara.

"Indeed. We need a ninja who is strong, wise, has a known reputation, and political clout." Fugaku summarised. "Fortunately, we have such a candidate."

"Is that so?" Asked an Akimichi. "Who?"

Fugaku kept his face perfectly blank. "Well, myself, of course."

The council meeting broke into chaos.

"You can't be serious." Said the shadow clone that had just replaced Itachi, stood against one wall.

"Now would not be the time for jokes, son." Fugaku replied, simply, before turning back to the crowd. "I am the head of the Uchiha. I'm the strongest among my clan." He ignored the Itachi clone's snort. "I'm more than experienced enough to deal with the responsibilities. I was a candidate for fourth Hokage, if you recall, though of course I deferred to Minato's brilliance."

"Lord Uchiha is also a veteran of the third great ninja war." Spoke up one of the politicians in Danzo's pocket. "The power of 'Wicked eye' Fugaku is unquestioned, even in the other villages."

That pre-planned statement removed the psychological block for most of the other clans, who began to mutter amongst themselves. They were considering it.

"A decision must be made soon." Fugaku added some pressure. "And there are no viable alternatives. Unless someone can come up with a valid complaint-"

"Oh, I'm certain I can wrack my brains for one or two." Echoed a commanding voice from the entrance.

Fugaku, along with the rest of the council, looked towards it's source. Then his eyes widened in genuine surprise.

* * *

Hinata Hyuuga entered the meeting hall with a purposeful stride. She hadn't had time to change out of her combat clothes, which were damaged and torn in places, but she liked the effect. Stood at her left hand was Naruto. _He_ looked like absolute garbage, but he had managed to get the red glow in his eyes, and they were darting from noble to noble with a feral look.

Sasuke was stood on her right, and he at least had been taught proper posture. It very clearly indicated he was With Her.

"Sorry for my lateness." She called out, navigating her way towards the centre of the room. "Nobody thought fit to inform me of the meeting. I _was_ helping my team restrain an enemy jinchurikki, but I assure you it didn't fatigue me so much that I cannot attend."

There was more mumbling amongst the crowd.

Hinata knew what must be on their minds:

First, everyone here had seen Shukaku on the skyline. Everyone here remembered what had happened last time a bijuu had been loosed on Konoha. But while twelve years ago the fourth Hokage had had to sacrifice himself, this time a _genin team_ had successfully neutralised the threat.

Second, Sasuke. The fact that he was stood with her, and not with his father, wasn't something the room would fail to notice.

Third, Naruto. Everyone here knew who he was and what he was. There were rumours about his exploits already; Hinata had heard (among other things) that he had:

-Developed the mangekyo-byaku-rinne-Sharingan and laser-beam release due to being the reincarnation of at _least_ the Sage of Six Paths' son Ashura _and_ the first Hokage,

-Unlocked a separate ancient Uzumaki bloodline limit even though the Uzumaki weren't supposed to _have_ one of those.

-Gotten into a rock-off with Itachi Uchiha, won, then used it as a ritual to form a summoning contract with Son Goku (not the bijuu, the comic book character)

 _-and then_ gone to fight the demonic ice dragon terrorising the land of Wave. He had then kissed the dragon, making it transform into the hidden mist's ice princess (or prince; the rumours here diverged) which he had promptly seduced and smuggled back into Konoha.

The fact that Hinata _knew_ two or three of those things were at least partially true terrified her, and even the great ninja clans would be aware of Naruto's growing reputation. And here he was (having agreed to forego the collar, but still) looking very much under her control.

"I do not believe the council has need of your team's services at this time, miss Hinata." Fugaku told her, sternly.

"That's 'Lady Hyuuga' to you." Hinata tutted. "As I'm certain _most_ of the assembled realise, I'm here representing my clan. It would be remiss to hold discussions on the new Hokage without me." She wrinkled her nose. "And unwise, I see, given the decisions being considered."

Fugaku stared her down. "We have already decided-"

" _You_ have decided." Hinata cut across him, putting a finger in the air. "Are you getting in practice pretending to factor in the opinions of others? You apparently plan to do so a lot."

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you mean." He replied, probably attempting to lure her into a trap of some sort.

"I don't believe you, but if you insist." She turned away from him so her posture faced the wider crowd, who were currently shocked to silence by her sheer audacity. "The Uchiha clan are the largest in Konoha." She told them. "And unless my inheritance is gaining more interest than I've been told, they're also the richest and most influential. Now, suppose the leader of said clan were to become Hokage?" She turned back to Fugaku, giving him a flat stare. "He would effectively control the entire village."

"That is an exaggeration-"

"Tell me, how many clans do you need on your side to win a majority vote?" She interrupted again. "One or two?"

"Two smaller clans, one big one." Sasuke reminded her.

"Yes, thank you. And how many of those meets could the Hokage influence, or even overrule? Konoha's Hokage has a lot of internal power relative to the other villages, as so far ours have all been blessed with qualities such as basic morale principle. We have forgotten what would happen were we ruled by someone with nothing vaguely resembling it."

"I don't like your tone, girl." Fugaku almost snarled.

She smiled brightly at him. "Once again, 'Lady Hyuuga'. Watch your manners, Lord Uchiha. And I notice you have failed to deny any of my accusations."

"Because your points are moot." Fugaku ground out. "Strong leadership is what's needed; and it's needed now. In the absence of other viable candidates-"

"On the contrary, Lord-"

"Do not interrupt me again, 'Lady Hyuuga.'"

"My apologies." She inclined her head. "But you just made at least two incorrect statements. Primary among which is that we do not need to make a decision now. We don't even need to make a decision by next week."

"If we don't have a Hokage in a time like this the other villages will think we're weak!" Declared an Akimichi.

"No, they will think we're stupid." Hinata explained. "Pause, and think. If we announce our new Kage within days of this massacre we will seem hasty and foolish. We should probably have a Hokage should another village declare _war_ on us, but other than that the only real concern is how much paperwork will build up." There was tittering among the crowd, and sensing her moment, Hinata raised her voice. "I counsel patience. Take time to mourn our old Hokage, assess the other candidates, and make a decision that _won't_ ruin the entire village."

"I am in agreement with the Lady Hyuuga." Said the Nara rep. Hinata noted with some amusement it was Shikimaru's father. "Reckless action will lead to even more trouble."

There was mumbled agreement from the collected.

Fugaku glared across at Hinata. Naruto bristled at her side, but she held up a hand in front of him, and he stepped back. Another act (probably) but one that she should not have enjoyed so much.

"Very well." Said Fugaku. "We should all return to our duties. But this discussion will continue at a later time."

"Of course." Hinata agreed. "Hopefully with clearer heads." With that, she turned her back and walked away.

They made it halfway out of the building before Sasuke leaned over her shoulder. "So...are we staying at your place or Naruto's? Because I get a feeling I might not be welcome home tonight."

* * *

 **Do you hear that? Because it sounds like the butterfly effect.**

 **Fugaku I-wanted-the-hat-too Uchiha enters the stage, as one clever reviewer already noticed, and is top dog for the Hokage job. Itachi, obviously, has one or two problems with that, and this is going to be a huge deal in the next arc. Stay tuned.**

 **This chapter brings the Chunin exams arc to an end. Similar plot points played out (and will continue to, at least throughout part one) but with enough little extras that I hope you all enjoyed. Haku and Sai are loads of fun, the Sand Siblings have some actual character now, and Itachi's presence has it's own special influences. As for what's coming up...well...**

 **I do think it's been a bit too long since we've met Neji, hm?**


	30. The One Thing You Can't Replace

**I understand you must all find me hilarious, but I am not, in fact, John Mulaney.**

* * *

 **The One Thing You Can't Replace**

* * *

"Tell the story!"

"Which one?"

"The one with the party in the middle of the Chunin exams-"

"Oh yeah that one! Oh you guys will love this." An adult Naruto made a beckoning motion, and the ten or so other ninja gathered closer.

"Alright, so." He coughed dramatically, "Gotta give you all some context for this first:

* * *

There was this clan elder who worked for our village, his name was Fugaku Uchiha, and his son Sasuke Uchiha went to our ninja academy.

And Lord Uchiha was an _asshole_.

And one weekend he and his wife decided to leave town.

Which you should never do. If you are an _asshole_.

So after the Chunin exam preliminaries Sasuke Uchiha decided to throw a party at his dad's house, and everyone around the village heard about it, and we all got up individually and thought:

"Okay, let's go over there, and _destroy_ the place."

I walked into this party, everyone I had ever _met_ was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. People were drinking like it was the Third Shinobi War and a medic-nin was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised; we were like bijuu without jinchurikki, we were running wild. I walk down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement, Choji took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and _broke it in half_. Kiba found out which room was Fugaku's and went upstairs and took a _shit_ on his _summoning scrolls_.

So the party was going _great_.

I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a cup of sake (you've seen movies), and I'm standing there, and I'm holding a cup of sake and the Kyuubi's starting to break loose so I'm starting to black out. And Hinata said something like: "something, something, _ANBU_."

And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled:

"Fuck da ANBU!" "Fuck da ANBU!"

 _And Everyone Else Joined In_.

A hundred. Drunk. Genin. Yelling 'fuck da ANBU'. With the confidence of Jonin who have like already been to T&I and aren't afraid of it anymore? You know that like "I served my ryo, you come and take me!" confidence, but _genin_.

Now the reason Hinata had said "something, something, _ANBU_ ", was because the ANBU were there!

So Hatake Kakashi walked down the stairs, and got to the bottom of the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "fuck da ANBU", _in his face._

And he was almost depressed. He was like " _woooow._ ".

And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went "get the paddy wagon".

And my friend Lee, (who is now a _father_ -this man now has a _baby)_ , he grabbed a bottle, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "SCATTER!"

And everyone ran in a different direction, we all ran in different directions.

It was like that moment in the fourth war when Madara dropped that meteor and everyone ran in different directions, we all ran in different directions. I ran into the sparring room, and I jumped on a training dummy, and I crawled out through a window into the gardens and now I'm running through the Uchiha gardens and there's this big red toad called Gamabunta and I thought "I've never ridden a toad that big before-"

And then I woke up at home.

On Monday, I went to training because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the training grounds and who do I see, but Sasuke Uchiha! And he says to me "hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"

And I said "no", you know, like a liar.

And he said "Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a shit on my dad's scrolls. Someone got into a rock-off with my big brother Itachi."

"but the worst thing", he says, "the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique paintings of my great-grandfather Madara, and my parents are freaking out about it."

And I had that thought.

That only black out drunks, and Jiraiya of the Sannin can have;

 _Did I do that?_

I figured no, I wouldn't have done that.

But I was never sure...

until a three year timeskip later.

Relax.

I'm playing video games with this kid named Shikimaru that we also went to ninja academy with. It's three years later in Shippuden, we're chunin by now.

We're playing video games for a couple hours and then Shikimaru says to me, "Hey, come here. I want to show you something." And then he takes me into his bedroom, and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom.

Never a good thing to have.

He shows me a tiny room that is covered _wall_ to _wall_ in stolen antique paintings from different clans' parties over the years.

And I said "why?" (in a whisper) (still whispering) "why do you do this?"

And Shikimaru looked me in the eye, smirked, and said, "Because it's the One Thing you Can't Replace."

So that's why I don't drink anymore.

And that's the end of that story, but that's crazy, right?

* * *

 **I...m not sorry. Chapter at normal time Saturday.**


	31. And behind Door Number 4

**Act IV: Oh Will You Just _Come Back To Konoha Already_**

 **And behind Door Number Four...**

* * *

 **Eight years ago**

"Hey." Neji didn't bother cracking an eye open. He had his Byakugan off specifically to _not_ see his surroundings, but couldn't misinterpret the ultralight footsteps that approached him.

"Hey." Itachi replied, coming to sit down next to him. "The fuck are you doing up here?"

Neji, again, didn't open his eyes. He was laid out flat on the rooftop of some building in central Konoha, and while he hadn't really been paying attention to his surroundings, he had a rough idea of what things looked like. Dark, he supposed. His internal clock made it five-forty seven.

"Couldn't sleep at home. Too loud."

He heard Itachi tense. "If you tell me your uncle was using that fucking-"

"No." Neji cut him off. "The caged bird seal is not activated so trivially. But...it was a row."

"What about?"

"Father insulted the hidden Cloud." Neji summarised. "Big argument at the negotiating table. Hiashi is furious about it."

"Seems out of character for your dad." Itachi remarked. He had been over and met Hizashi Hyuuga more than once, and the two got along cordially.

"It is. But, well..." Neji sighed. "Father insulted the Cloud politician because the Cloud politician said-well, it's confusing, but long story short, do you remember that business we got up to in Stone? On our first mission?"

"I remember."

"This all started because of that."

It was Itachi's turn to sigh. "Are you deadass blaming yourself for this? That's a pretty tenuous connection you're making."

"But not an incorrect one."

"Oh for..." There was the distinct sound of the Uchiha slapping his forehead. "Okay. Open your eyes."

Neji scowled. "No."

"Open 'em."

"No. I'm still asleep."

"Leave your damn Byakugan off and open your freaking eyes, or I'm going to cut them open."

Neji sighed, and complied. To his surprise, it wasn't as dark as he'd thought. The sun had just started to rise, red and yellow light seeping in from the distant horizon. Itachi was sat next to him in his pyjamas. "Is that it? Did you wake me up so I could appreciate the view?"

"Kinda. Getting motivated by the beautiful sight of your village?"

"No."

"Didn't think so." Itachi pointed. "What's that?"

"That's my compound." Neji replied. The Hyuuga buildings looked as pristine as usual from this distance.

"And what's in that compound?"

"Father, mother, possibly uncle..." Neji trailed off.

"And?" Itachi encouraged.

"Hinata." Neji muttered.

"Who cannot, at age whateveritis, scamper off into the village to avoid her parents' shouting match."

"I thought you were trying to make me feel _less_ guilty?" Neji remarked.

"I'm saying." Itachi replied, exasperating. "Maybe you should stop worrying about things that are maybe-kinda-your-fault, and pay attention to what's definitely your responsibility."

Neji sighed. Then stood up. "I'll go back and check on everyone."

"Atta boy." Itachi stood up with him.

"The treaty is going to happen on her birthday." Neji remarked. "The one between Cloud and Leaf? Nobody's going to be there for her."

"Someone will." Itachi pointed out.

Neji smiled. "Yes. I suppose you're right."

* * *

 **Present Day**

Hinata woke up gradually, over the course of what felt like hours but was actually only ten minutes. Even after she became lucid she felt absolutely no motivation to get up, perfectly content to shift around in place and stretch a little. She usually just viewed lie-ins as wastes of valuable daylight, (the same could not be said for baths) but her duvet was feeling _exceptionally_ comfortable today. Why...oh, right.

Team seven had gone to Hinata's compound together, unanimously deciding that they didn't want to be alone after the really hectic day, and once again Naruto's flat had been too small. A whistle-stop, joking tour of the compound had ensued, after which they had agreed not to sleep in any of the other probably haunted bedrooms, and instead set up a sleepover in one of the living rooms. They had then stolen a bunch of pillows and duvets from throughout the compound, lit the fireplace, and sent out shadow clones to scrounge snacks from destroyed shops in the village. There had been smiles, laughs, a discussion on appropriate pyjama etiquette, ("-Right, yes, nakedness is bad I'm sorry-" "-Dammit Hinata, learn basic social conventions!-") and despite Hinata having a genuinely wonderful time...there had been no karmic universal consequence for her being happy. Shocker. It was, in hindsight, an incredibly silly bias to be living under for her whole life and she was glad to be rid of it. This didn't mean she was going to slack off training, she would have to work _harder_ in fact, but right now...

Hinata snuggled deeper into the covers and smiled. _Ten more minutes._ This particular pillow was turning into her new favourite; it was warm, and huggable, with nice blond hair she could-what.

"Squishy." Mumbled Naruto, pushing closer to her.

Another few seconds passed, where she considered just staying in place, before her panic overrode her other basic driving forces and she let out a yelp, followed by a mad scramble to get out of the sheets that resulted with both her and Naruto hitting the floor with a loud thump.

"What the..." He rubbed his eyes blearily. "Hinata, what's-"

" _Breakfast_." She said as she leapt to her feet, voice higher than usual with a blush on her cheeks. "I-ahem-was going to make breakfast. How do you like your eggs?"

"In threes." He slithered back into the covers, gathering them around himself again. "Morning Hinata. Hey, don't you have, like, servants to do that for you?"

"No." She said, casually. "It's just me."

Naruto looked at her in concern. "Alone?"

" _You_ live alone." She got a little defensive.

"Yeah, but..." Naruto's limited social skills threw up red flags, but he pushed on. "Isn't this...where the thing happened? With the...I mean if you don't want to-"

"Yes." Hinata's voice was clipped. "This was where my clan was killed. How would you like your eggs?"

"Sorry." Naruto winced. "Nobody ever really talks about it, especially not to me, so it just..."

"It's fine." Hinata's voice had gone emotionless again, as she turned her back and moved towards the kitchen. "Neji Hyuuga, prodigy of the branch family, murdered every member of the Hyuuga clan bar me, roughly five years ago. His motivation was never confirmed, but it's believed it was a desire to test his own power and superiority, or anger at the branch system he believed was unjust. The compound was cleaned thoroughly before I moved back in. _How would you like your eggs._ "

"I'm not hungry." Naruto shot back. "Hinata...you've been living here with no one but your family's ghosts for five years?"

"Yes." She bit out.

"...You're not okay, are you?"

"No." She whispered.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Do you..." he paused. "Do you want to come back under the covers?"

"...Yes."

He made room and she slowly walked back to the sofa, before crawling into the duvet.

"Your compound isn't really 'right next to' my house is it?" Naruto confirmed.

"No." She replied.

"Okay." He shrugged.

Hinata smiled, and snuggled closer to him.

* * *

The Hokage's funeral was a grand, if muted, affair. Pathetic fallacy had kicked in and a light drizzle fell from a dark grey sky, creating a haze of white noise in the background. Everyone wore black, and it _was_ everyone; all of the great ninja clans had made an appearance, as well as most ninja who weren't on duty, and even a large crowd of civilians. The ANBU, in a rare breach of protocol, all allowed themselves to be seen, standing vigil atop nearby trees or buildings and silently watching the proceedings.

Sarutobi Hiruzen had been a well respected man.

"Fugaku was right about one thing." Jiraiya muttered, quietly. "This is going to cause chaos. The old man has been a staple of the ninja world for decades; now he's gone the other villages are going to start reevaluating their positions."

"Perhaps you were a bit hasty creating your 'fat porn author' persona." Kakashi replied, just as quietly. "I know you hate the Hokage job, but we're low on options. Don't suppose you have any powerful enemies you can vanquish right in sight of the whole village? Show off a little?"

"I'll see what I can do." Jiraiya cracked a smile. "Hey, I'm his student. I can probably wrangle a speech, use it as an opportunity to show myself casting off my old vices, be the ninja he wants me to be..."

"We're discussing using your mentor's funeral as a springboard for a promotion." Kakashi shook his head. "We are going straight to hell."

"And the worst part is, he'd be the first to encourage us." Jiraiya sighed. "Crazy old bastard...Aw shit, now that's two dead Hokage I'm in debt to. Great. Oh well, I'll make it up to them a better way."

"Really? How's that?"

Jiraiya just nodded across the crowd, at a trio of children stood with their heads down and hands clasped respectfully before them.

"You good, Naruto?" Sasuke muttered.

"No." Naruto said back. "Should I be?"

"Don't think so. Were you two close?"

"Dunno what I was to him." Naruto shrugged. "But he was...I didn't have anyone else, you know? I mean eventually I had you, and that was great, but for years he was the only one who actually cared about me. Still a little pissed at Jiraiya for never showing up even though he apparently knew my mum..."

"I'm sorry." Hinata told him, from his other side.

"Why's that?" He looked across at her. "You didn't do it."

"You've known what it's like to live without family. Now you know what it's like to lose one. I'm sorry I couldn't spare you it." Hinata's voice was dry.

"No I mean it's...like it's not-" Naruto sniffed once, and blinked a few times. "Well I've still got you guys, right?"

He looked sideways at them, and they both nodded.

"Whatever you need." Said Sasuke.

"Whenever you need it." Said Hinata.

Despite everything, he beamed. Before they could stop him, he reached an arm around both their shoulders and pulled them close. There was some struggling, but he was still way physically stronger than them, and eventually both relented into the team hug.

"Thanks guys. Just...thanks."

"So what now?" Sasuke asked. "What do we do now he's gone?"

Naruto looked forwards. Sarutobi Hiruzen's gravestone was a simple thing; a stone cuboid bearing his name, dates of birth and death, and a philosophical quote that could be interpreted as a sex joke if you squinted. It was no bigger than the graves of any other ninja who died defending the village. His will had demanded nothing else.

"We make him proud." Naruto decided. Then he smiled. "And then we meet whoever's keeping the hat warm for me."

* * *

 **One hour later**

"So. Game time." Jiraiya clapped his hands together.

What Naruto was starting to call 'the squad' (Team seven, Haku, Kakashi, Jiraiya and Itachi) had convened back in Hinata's living room.

"Are we finally going to explain why I was resisting Fugaku so forcefully back in the council hall?" Hinata asked. "Because you didn't even spend thirty seconds explaining the situation. I was flying completely blind in there."

"Hinata has a point." Sasuke added. "I know you hate him bro but, well, he _is_ my dad. I feel kinda bad."

"I have my own personal reasons." Itachi admitted. "Suffice to say I will go to _great_ lengths to stop the Uchiha clan taking over Konoha. But if you want something more concrete, then I have something."

He reached into his pocket and drew out two pieces of paper. "Tell me, do you think any of you made chunin?"

Naruto's eyes widened. "Oh yeah! Completely forgot about that."

"I assumed the exams were cancelled." Haku mentioned.

"Not quite." Kakashi explaned. "Obviously the Naruto/Gaara match was interrupted- _Even though_ you technically won." Naruto dropped back down into his seat, appeased. Kakashi continued. "And they aren't going to hold the final match now, but all the matches up till then still counted, and it would probably be good for publicity to have some people promoted out of this disaster."

"Problem is, who." Itachi picked up, waving the papers for emphasis. "These are the recommendations the two Kage wrote down during Naruto's fight with Gaara- _which you did win_ , Naruto, we all believe you. One is just Hinata's and Sasuke's names in big capital letters underlined a bunch of times, but we now know that was Orochimaru. Creepy motherfucker. The other one was written by _our_ Kage, and it lists Naruto, Sasuke, Hinata, and Shikimaru as chunin worthy."

"Kinda anti-Suna, don't you think?" Sasuke muttered.

"They invaded, they forfeit the exam." Naruto waved him off. "So, what? Does that mean we pass?"

"Nope." Itachi grimaced. "Sorry team, but the final decision goes to the hosting village's Kage. And we don't have one."

"But he just!-" Naruto flailed at the paper, before falling back into a pout. "'S not fair." He complained.

"Quite." Kakashi summarised. "The final decision will go to whoever becomes the new Kage. Now, if that's Fugaku Uchiha..."

"We're fucked." Sasuke realised, eyes wide. He pointed to his teammates. "At least, you two are fucked. He hates you both."

"We know." They chorused.

"And whether or not I pass depends entirely on how pissed he is about my stunt against Hinata...nope, not having it." Sasuke looked up to Itachi. "Who else is there?"

"Ain't that the question." Jiraiya chuckled.

"Well, father did a decent job of outlining the requirements." Itachi explained. "Most important is to be powerful, Kage-level powerful, able to beat up groups of jonin at once. They need to be intelligent, though that isn't entirely important as they can cede decisions to their staff or the council if they have to. In fact most records imply the first Hokage wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed." (Naruto started whistling All Star. Sasuke slapped him.) "And they need to be well known. Appointing a nobody to the position will warrant dismissal and disrespect. So other than Fugaku, option one is..." Itachi sighed. "Me. I'm strong enough, clever enough, well known enough. I don't _want_ to be Hokage, but that's hardly a deciding factor. The problem with me being that the only way they'd choose me over father is...well, it'd be messy. Very messy. Option two..."

"Me." Jiraiya held up a hand. "I'm a sannin, so everyone knows me, and I've been running a spy ring for the past twenty odd years, so I'm sharp enough. Problem is, I spent those twenty odd years pretending to be a fat drunken old pervert."

"Pretending?"

"Oi! Can it, whiskers!" Jiraiya took a swipe at Naruto, who ducked out of the way. "But yes, my reputation is soured somewhat. The clans would think I'm a joke. And it would probably be good for me to maintain that spy ring I just mentioned, which I can't do as Kage."

"You want a turn?" Sasuke nodded at Kakashi.

He snorted, which did weird things to his half mask. "Me as Hokage? I'm good, but I'm not-" he paused. "Okay, I am that good. I'm tactical minded, and I'm up there in the bingo book...sure, why not. Option three; Kakashi. But i wouldn't be as good as these two, and even Fugaku would be a tough fight for me."

"If I may." Haku raised a hand. "Am I currently sat in the room with three of Konoha's strongest ninja?"

The trio looked at each other.

"Probably the three strongest, yeah." Kakashi agreed.

"Oh good. Just wanted to confirm that." Haku sat back down, significantly paler.

"Anyway, continuing with the Sannin theme," Jiraiya continued. "Option four, Orochimaru." Everyone made a face. "Yeah...better than Fugaku though?"

"Maybe." Itachi allowed.

"You really hate that guy don't you? But as I said before, everyone knows the Sannin, and there's one we haven't brought up yet. Option five; the lady Tsunade."

The adults in the room stopped for a moment to consider it.

"I know her." Hinata mentioned. "I remember once she beat my father in a taijutsu spar. While drunk."

"Sounds about right." Jiraiya chuckled to himself, obviously reminiscing. "See while I pretend to be a total waste of space, Tsunade is _actually_ a drunken gambling addict. Upside is, because she's not putting it on as a cover less people know about it, so her reputation isn't completely ruined. Downside is, well, she's a drunken gambling addict."

"And we want _her_ to be Hokage?" Naruto wrinkled his nose. "Is that a good idea?"

"I know her." Defended Jiraiya. "If we get her in the office she'll do the job. And she's a big enough presence that if she shows up, Fugaku will have to back down. Tsunade's probably our best hope."

"Where's the but." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"You're the butt."

"Shut up Naruto."

"The but is that I don't know where she is, officially. I can find her, but it'll take me a few weeks." Jiraiya warned.

"Then get going." Itachi prompted. "Father has momentum and influence, if we can't provide an alternative people will feel pressured to pick someone."

"Them they'll pick me." Hinata assured, confidently. "I'll continue my opposition. I know plenty of incredibly immoral negotiation and manipulation techniques, and I know the law. You'll have as long as you need."

"Important point." Jiraiya raised a finger, before pointing it to a certain one of the seated. "Naruto's coming with me."

"I am?"

"He is?"

"Never split the party." Sasuke shook his head. "We need to keep together. Why should he go with you?"

"Your camaraderie is appreciated." Kakashi noted, dryly. "But Jiraiya has good reason."

"Yeah..." the old ninja chuckled. "So, reason one, we're probably going to need some talk no jutsu."

Naruto blinked. "You guys do realise that isn't an actual thing, right? I just-"

" _Yes it is_." Chorused everyone else in the room.

"And reason two, well, if he stays he might be inviting the destruction of Konoha."

" _What_?"

"Black cloaks. Red clouds." Jiraiya said, darkly. The adults in the room went silent.

"...Violets are blue?" Naruto added, hesitantly.

"You think the Akatsuki's after Naruto?" Asked a shocked Kakashi, but Jiraiya ignored him, staring at the children with hard eyes.

"If you see anyone wearing black cloaks with red clouds, you run. Immediately. You run to the closest out of the people we just listed and you pray you're allowed to escape."

"They're that bad? Orochimaru was on that list." Naruto gulped.

Jiraiya nodded. "Orochimaru doesn't have any interest in you. The Akatsuki want to take out your tailed beast."

"That sounds like a good thing."

"By killing you."

"Oh."

"If he's in the village, he can't always be within a few metres of you." Jiraiya told the other adults. "But I can keep him close to me, at least while we see if they want to try anything. Old man Hiruzen was one hell of a deterrent."

"Then we'll come too-" Sasuke started to get out of his seat, but Itachi held up a hand.

"You and Hinata are needed here. If he gets back and you've let Fugaku be elected, he'll have wasted his trip."

"Then I'll go." Haku declared. Everyone looked at him, and he shrugged. "What? I don't have any reason to be here. And Tsunade's a medical ninja; I'd be interested to learn some of what she knows."

"Aren't you supposed to be under a restraining order?" Kakashi pointed out.

"I haven't had a breakdown in weeks." Defended the Mist ninja.

"Fair enough." Shrugged Kakashi, before bitterly remarking "Hey, at least we don't have to clear it with the Hokage."

* * *

 **The next morning**

Naruto, Jiraiya, and Haku met at the village's entrance. "You not going to say goodbye to your team?" The sannin asked.

"Nah, they're still talking to a shadow clone of me." The nine-tails grinned cheekily. "Figured I'd leave them someone to talk to over the next few weeks."

"Atta boy!" Jiraiya turned on his heel. "Now, we're going to run it from here to the next village, but after then we'll be slowing down. Make it more obvious we aren't a threat, and it gives me time to check up on my intelligence network."

"Got it." Naruto stretched,, shouldering his bag. "You sure you want to do this old man? You might not be able to keep up with us."

Jiraiya sighed forlornly and put a hand to his forehead. "Alas, you have a point. I suppose I-" and then he was gone.

Naruto glanced at Haku, then off down the road, where a trail of dust carried into the middle distance. "We probably should have expected that." Haku pointed out.

They both took off running.

* * *

"Trust me, Kisame." Said Neji Hyuuga, watching Naruto leave the village. "I can see him with my Byakugan. He's _definitely_ still in the village."

* * *

 **And that's that.**

 **The search for Tsunade begins, and this time under much more pressure. Just in time, too, as the Akatsuki waltzes into Konoha like it's no big deal.**

 **I hope I did a good enough job outlining the 'Kage race', and everybody's motives going into it. We all know why Itachi doesn't want the Uchiha to take over, though his friends in the squad don't.**

 **To those of you who don't like the 'filler' chapters, don't worry. I'll never release them _instead_ of the weekly chapters, just as a bonus midweek when I have free time. You're not the only ones who get annoyed at Naruto's slow ass pacing, some of the 'arcs' from the show I've got through in like 5 chapters, especially if I skip the fights that are just the same as in the show.**

 **I get the feeling you don't want to see exact repeats but in written form, so I'm trying to keep the variance pretty high.**


	32. Eyes' to Meet You

**'Eyes' to see you**

* * *

 **Oh, boy. This is when the fic gets _really_ started.**

* * *

"You _what_?" Jiraiya skidded to a stop in the middle of the road.

"Cool chain things." Naruto reiterated. He had just been explaining his fight with Gaara. "They were like, bluey yellow, and where they touched Gaara the sand fell off."

"Holy..." Jiraiya turned around and started gesturing at nothing in particular. "I don't believe it. It's like she's come back to haunt me. First calling me out on my research, now the chains, what's next? Huh? Is he gonna start waving kitchen implements at me?"

Haku looked on in amusement.

"Uh...old man?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya sighed and turned back around. "Sorry. All this time I thought you were your dad's kid through and through, but it turns out there's more of your mother in you than expected." He squinted off into the distance. A settlement was just barely visible on the horizon. "We'll stop here for a breather, then continue on. We should be at the next village before sunset."

Haku and Naruto followed his lead, sitting next to him on the side of the road.

"Your mother, as I've said, was Uzumaki Kushina." Jiraiya began. "And no, I'm still not telling you who your dad was. Now the Uzumaki clan used to have their own damn hidden village, and it was shaping up to be just as prominent as the other five. Trouble is, at some point a bunch of the other villages banded together to take them down. As a 'clan' they're formally disbanded, and their survivors and descendants scattered over the world. Most, like Kushina, ended up in the Leaf, but you can find them anywhere. I once met this kid, Nagato...Kami, I don't even know what happened to him."

"Why were they destroyed?" Asked Haku. "Surely they can't have been more of a threat than the Hyuuga or Uchiha."

Jiraiya wagged a finger. "That's where you're wrong, little girl."

"Boy."

"...Okay, sure. See the Uzumaki, officially, don't have a bloodline limit, at least not one you'd recognise. But you can loosely categorise bloodline limits into three types; dojutsu (eye powers), combination nature transformations, (like Haku here's ice, made from water and wind) and body transformations. Most body transformations are frankly hella gross, so that's not what the Uzumaki were labelled as."

Jiraiya leaned back and held up three fingers. "The Uzumaki were feared for three main reasons. One; their skill with sealing jutsu. We'll have to wait and see if you have any talent, Naruto, but knowing your parents it'll be a miracle if you _don't_. The second is their incredible constitution. You heal fast, you live long, you're real tough, and you have massive chakra reserves, like the Senju." He flicked Naruto on the nose. "You being able to make a thousand shadow clones is partially because of the Kyuubi forcing its massive chakra reserves through your coils, but that's only possible because of how bulky you and your clan is."

"Huh." Naruto looked down at himself, clenching his fingers.

"And the third thing," Jiraiya continued, "doesn't show up in every Uzumaki, I'd only ever seen it in Kushina. The adamantine chakra chains. A sealing jutsu, but not one that requires any paper or ink. They're nearly indestructible chains that can suppress chakra, which is as scary as it sounds."

"Like Hinata's gentle fist?" Naruto asked.

"Similar." Jiraiya agreed. "Not much use in blocking a fireball, obviously, but wrap someone up and you can stop them emitting chakra. They helped Kushina keep the Kyuubi in check, her seal wasn't as good as yours."

"My mum was the old nine tails?" Naruto gaped.

Jiraiya chuckled. "Damn right she was. Why do you think you got chosen for the job?"

"Whoa..."

"So Naruto can use the chains too?" Haku spoke up.

"Apparently." Jiraiya shrugged. "Well, squirt? Can you?"

"I...think so?" Naruto picked out a boulder a few metres away and pointed his hands towards it. "Both times it wasn't like I wanted to kill Gaara. I just wanted him...held. Restrained. A kinda-"

Yellow light flashed. The chains appeared around his arms and flew forwards, wrapping around the boulder.

He laughed. "Got it! Oh this is so cool!"

"Here." Haku stood up and put his hands together. In front of Naruto a mirror manifested, floating above the floor like the ones he had created on the bridge. "This is reinforced by my chakra. Try and break it. Without using the Kyuubi, please."

Naruto rolled his shoulders, cracked his neck, and blurred forwards. The punch was hard, and struck the mirror with a loud ring, but Naruto still stumbled backwards, hissing, with bruised knuckles. The mirror wasn't even scratched.

"Now try using the chains on it." Jiraiya directed.

Naruto nodded and did as instructed. With an effort that was getting easier each time, he threw out the chains to encircle the mirror. It lost some of its lustre, and immediately stopped floating. This time, when he punched it, it shattered like regular ice.

"Awesome." He breathed. "This would have been _so_ useful on the bridge."

Jiraiya stood up again, brushing himself off. "I gotta admit Naruto, I don't have the foggiest how to train you in bloodline limits, so you'll have to work on it yourself."

"Some Sensei you are." Naruto muttered.

"Anyway, break time's over kiddies."

"What? We didn't have a break!"

"I did." Jiraiya grinned cheekily. "I'm the old man, remember?"

He took off running. Naruto and Haku looked at each other, sighed, and chased after him.

* * *

Two Akatsuki walked through the streets of Konoha.

Two wide brimmed hats and a heaped spoonful of genjutsu concealed their faces, and the black cloaks embossed with red clouds they sported weren't well known enough to give them away.

"Three hundred metres." One said to the other. "He's in a run down apartment near to the-oh perfect."

"Problem?" Asked the other.

"We've been spotted." The one replied. "Things are about to get loud."

* * *

Itachi dropped down onto the pavement alongside Kakashi. In front of them was a river, and on the other side of that river were two of the most dangerous ninja in the country.

"Your genjutsu's getting better, Neji." He called across the flowing water. "It almost took me a second to spot you."

"Itachi." Greeted a calm voice. "Still a lapdog for the village, I see."

"Woof." Deadpanned the Uchiha.

"How're we playing this?" Kakashi asked from beside him. "I have a shadow clone looking for any jonin it can find."

"You slow down Kisame." Itachi replied. "Neji's mine."

The following events would go on to happen very fast.

Neji was halfway across the river before Kakashi (still busy pulling off his headband to reveal his Sharingan) could react. Fortunately, he had support.

Itachi's hands were at his mouth in moments and without appearing to even make seals, he was blasting a great fireball to hit Neji dead centre of the river. Neji spun into a rotation.

The result was kinda like what happened when Sasuke fought Hinata. Except a little bigger.

A column of swirling fire tore up into the sky, towering over all the surrounding buildings. The water around the rotation churned and boiled from the heat and movement, causing steam to rise up and obscure the area. Kakashi used that cover and darted across the chaotic water's surface to charge Kisame. The big, blue, behemoth of a man reached behind himself and drew a large, incredibly conspicuous bandaged thing. To nobody's great surprise, it was Samehada.

Kakashi pulled out, switching to a lightning jutsu that shot out of his hands towards Kisame, but the giant sword came up and consumed the attack, scales rustling ominously as it did so.

 _That's not very fair._ Kakashi switched to throwing kunai and explosive tags.

On the river, the battle would be unobservable for any normal ninja. Two blurs darted around the water's surface, constantly clashing and separating, as said surface was constantly shredded by blades, impacted by explosions, and occasionally transformed into something else for an attack.

There were roughly four layers of genjutsu occurring at any given moment.

Itachi blocked a palm strike with his sword and used an explosion of water beneath him from a previous jutsu to catapult him into the air. He span, upside down, until he was facing Neji. His Sharingan pattern shifted. "Amaterasu!" He declared.

Black flames exploded into existence upon the Hyuuga's body, completely engulfing him, and Itachi landed to watch the ultimate fire technique lick hungrily at Neji's form.

Neji did _not_ completely lose control of his chakra, and fall into the river. He didn't even deliberately go underwater to try and put out the flames (not like that would work).

He stood stock still atop the river's surface. And then, beneath the flames, cracks appeared.

Kakashi paused in his attack of Kisame to gape as Neji's exterior _fell off_. Revealing itself to be something hard and white, glinting like opal, shards dropped from Neji's body into the river, taking the effects of the Amaterasu with it. The Hyuuga stretched his arms casually. His eyes were white. Not the usual white circles in the centre of his sclera, _pure_ white. They were an oval of ivory reflecting perfectly, and swirls of the same colour and texture spread out across his face.

"...the fuck..." whispered Kakashi.

"Gokei Byakugan." Ground out Itachi. He charged.

He flung his sword straight forwards, and when Neji slapped it out of the way he went in for a grab. They both caught hold of each others' hands, heads inches from each other. Their eyes met.

"Tsukiyomi!"

"Kokosora."

It was impossible to tell which one spoke first.

Then Itachi collapsed into the water unconscious as Neji stumbled backwards, shaking his head as if to clear some confusion.

"Shit!" Kakashi jumped across, snatching Itachi out of the water and running for the opposite bank. Kisame moved to intercept, but was blocked by Sarutobi Asuma, catching the massive broadsword on two chakra enhanced daggers. Kurenai dropped down in front of Neji, and began weaving genjutsu around him as rapidly as she could. A couple more ninja appeared beside them as well, high ranking Uchiha police, as other jonin started appearing on nearby rooftops. Neji sighed. "Kisame, they moved the target. Fall back."

He waved a hand and Kurenai stumbled backwards as if struck, then he body-flickered away. Kisame grunted, batted Asuma off, and fled into the trees.

Konoha's finest all independantly decided not to pursue.

"Is he okay?" Four of the jonin crowded around the unconscious Itachi.

"He's breathing, but he's limp." Kakashi muttered. "Three possibilities; one he'll be fine when he wakes up in a few seconds, two he's a vegetable. Three anything in between."

"Kami...what the hell did that bastard do?" Kurenai grimaced.

"Itachi used his bullshit hax Sharingan genjutsu that lets him mentally torture someone for days in the space of a few seconds; usually putting them in a coma." Kakashi explained. "Neji did something back. And _won_."

"How? The Byakugan can't do anything like this." Asuma growled, gesturing to Itachi.

"Well, neither can most Sharingan." Kakashi admitted.

"Damn." Kurenai summarised. "I'll take him to the hospital, one of you can notify his father. Genjutsu, huh?" She was a specialist. She knew all sorts of sneaky tricks one could perform by messing with another's perceptions. She'd never tried to use it to mentally _bludgeon_ someone unconscious. "I wonder what kind of sick, monstrous things they did to each other..."

* * *

 **One minute earlier**

Itachi appeared in his mindscape and grinned, knowing the Tsukiyomi had taken hold. The sky was red, black cross-looking things dotted the dirt at his feet, and some distance in front of him stood Neji. Itachi teleported to right in front of him (he could do whatever he wanted in his own mind) and cocked his head, regarding the missing-nin silently.

Neji didn't move. "You seem oddly reticent. Here you are with me at your absolute mercy, and yet you do nothing."

"Oh I'm sure you've thought long and hard about being at my mercy." Itachi replied, threateningly. "So long spent out alone with nothing but a gaggle of murderers for company..."

They stared at each other again.

"Gay." Remarked Neji.

Itachi's mouth twitched.

Then both broke down into raucous laughter.

Itachi waved his hand, and their surroundings changed to something more comfortable; the red sky and plains switched for a view of Konoha's skyline, leaving both now stood on a rooftop they had liked to meet at when they were younger. Then he walked forwards and grabbed Neji in a hug. The Hyuuga reciprocated, squeezing Itachi tightly. "It's good to see you." He said, smiling.

"You too." Itachi admitted. "Fuck, it's been too long."

" _I agree._ " Neji enthused. "The other day they said 'someone should go try and get the Kyuubi' and I thought 'Konoha? Yes please!'. How's the Mangekyo?"

"It'll hurt like a bitch tomorrow morning, but I'm not blind yet." Itachi reassured, letting go. "How's the Gokei?"

"Started to lose feeling in my fingers and toes." Neji sighed.

"Shit, dude, sorry."

"No, you did well. We needed to show them the Akatsuki's still a threat."

Itachi snapped his fingers and a pair of chairs and a table appeared on the tiles next to them, and he sat down with a sigh. "And now that you've tanked the Amaterasu they'll believe it. I know, but it sucks."

"Plus I'm about to _not_ fall into a coma after the Tsukiyomi, should scare those in the know." Neji sat down. "But I should warn you, I don't have quite as much control over the Kokosora. When we leave here you're about to have a good day or so of...well, total sensory deprivation."

"Ass."

"My bad. Anyway, how's Sasuke? How's...how's Hinata?"

Itachi sighed. "It's a long story."

"Well, we've got a whole two seconds." Neji pointed out.

"Witty. Yeah I doubt you'll want the whole seventy two hours, so we've got as long as we need to talk. Short answer, they're doing really well, actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Your sis still hates you-"

"Good."

"Enough of that shit. But you know the little blondie she was crushing on?"

"Yes. My target."

"Yeah, him. Well they're on a team together, with Sasuke. And they're actually getting along. Sure Hinata and Sasuke tried to kill each other in the chunin exams, but-"

"They _what_?"

"They're both massive edglords when they feel like it." Itachi chuckled. "But they've gotten close, they're helping each other out...I think they'll pull through if they stick together. Who knows, they might qualify as mentally healthy if we give them a few years."

"Great, now I've definitely got to botch this mission." Neji tutted. "Is Naruto still with Jiraiya? Because if he is I can pretend I'm outmatched and retreat."

"Should be. They're going after Tsunade, trying to make her become Hokage. You should see Hinata, she's going up against Fugaku in politics like this four foot tall demon lawyer."

Neji's eyes lit up. "Really? Okay, hold on. Double agent meeting first. _Then_ you show me all the important details about my little sister."

"Deal." Itachi smiled. "So, first of all. Who's even _in_ the Akatsuki?"

* * *

 **Ooh baby. that was a thing.**

 **For those of you who didn't already know, yes, Itachi and Neji are still, as the proffessionals call it, 'broskis'.**

 **And, finally, the thing I've been promisin since the beginning. I won't be answering any questions on the upgraded Byakugan, though there's a lot of hints dropped in this chapter alone. I will say that the new names are all mishmashes of google translated japanese, which I promptly forgot the original meaning of. Have fun with what I've given you, feel free to theorise, and don't worry. Theres more from Neji next chapter.**


	33. Family Reunion

**Family Reunion**

* * *

-The Hyuuga family is made up of one nuclear family and usually anywhere from two to five branch families at any given time. It's small size relative to other clans such as the Aburame or Uchiha (despite it's unwillingness to undergo the barbaric, incestual practices sometimes seen in those clans) is due in the most part due to the Caged Bird Seal. ( _The Uchiha do not incest, whities.) (Then explain why I see you meeting up with Izumi~) (She is_ twice removed, _asshole!)_

-The Caged Bird Seal is applied to the foreheads of all branch family members at age three. In the main family, all but the eldest heir are also branded at that age, with that heir locked into position as the next head of the Hyuuga family. _"Your family is barbaric." "I Know."_

-The Seal's primary purpose is to immediately denature and eliminate the special properties of the Byakugan from it's owner upon death, or upon it's removal from the owner's body. This is a security measure to prevent it's capture by hostile Hidden Villages or Missing-nin who might want to steal it.

-Those branded with the Seal can have children with the Byakugan, but those children will not be able to produce children in turn with the Byakugan. In other words, after the Seal is applied, only that individual and their immediate children will have the eye. This is to preserve the sanctity of the main branch, but is also another security measure; should a Hyuuga defect, or be captured and not choose suicide, they will not be able to spread the Byakugan for more than one more generation.

-The Seal also facilitates several other specialty jutsu that target those branded specifically, designed as control measures for disobedient branch members. These include the:

-Caged Bird: Feeding, which allows the caster to give or drain chakra remotely,

-Caged Bird: Gouged Eyes, which preemptively activates the seal and blinds the branded, ( _f_ _uck.)_

-Caged Bird: Clipped Wings, which causes paralysis and debilitating pain, _(Fuck.)_ and

-Caged Bird: Unlatched, which instantly kills the branded individual. This can be cast by the branded as a suicide jutsu. ( _FUCK, dude.)_

-It should be noted that the Caged Bird Seal is a simple yet implacable seal that cannot be removed by any known technique. It only vanishes upon the branded individual's death, and any attempts to remove the seal will likely result in them dying anyway...

- _Basic Summary of the Caged Bird Seal,_ _Hyuuga's official bloodline-limit tome. Scribbles by assorted._

* * *

"Ninety seven...ninety eight...ninety nine...five hundred...five hundred one...two...three..."

"Is this...usual behaviour for you?"

Naruto prime was doing press ups in the centre of the room Jiraiya had rented. Naruto 2, 3, and 4 were sat on top of him.

"Yeah." He said, breathlessly, as 2 continued to count. "Most days I'm training with Gai, so whenever I fail to do that I have to put some work in separately. Am I bothering you?"

Haku, sat in the corner, watched Naruto's muscles flexing as he continued. "Nope. You...do you. Don't stop."

Narutos 5, 6, and 7 were also training, in their case with the chakra chains. The room was crisscrossed with the golden links, as the clones shot them out in all directions at every opportunity.

"Where is Jiraiya, anyway?" Haku asked. "I know Zabuzza would have been scouting the area. He had the acronym LEAF, funnily enough:

check for Law enforcement, Escape routes, Altitude variance, and Friendlies. He'd check for all four every time he stopped somewhere."

"Cool." Naruto 5 enthused. "Jiraiya's probably out looking for girls."

"...Oh."

"Yeah, he's a massive pervert."

There was a knock on the door, and Naruto 6 hopped up to answer it. "About time Ero-sensei! You'd better not have brought along company because we don't have enough rooms for a slumber par...ty."

The man at the door was not Jiraiya. He was a tall, lean man with a black cloak wrapped around him that sported red clouds. His hair was black with hints of dark blue, and two strands of it framed his face while the majority fell down behind his head. A leaf headband with a long, deliberate line cut into it was attached to his forehead, and below it were two eyes. Hyuuga eyes. Naruto 6 ran through the checklist of living Hyuuga in his head, and cross referenced it with his 'Akatsuki' database.

"This is one of the moments where I'm completely outmatched, isn't it?" He mentioned.

"Quite." Said Neji Hyuuga.

Naruto Prime reached for the chakra that powered his chains and then he was unconscious.

* * *

 **Earlier that morning**

"Witty comebacks?"

"Check."

"Fear-mongering?"

"Check."

"Poorly veiled insults as to his political integrity?"

"Check."

"Then that should be everything."

Sasuke smiled and straightened his tie. Their current mission was just as vital as any other to the success of the Leaf village, but one that required a suit rather than a flak vest. His cursed seal chafed against the collar.

Hinata was dressed up too, in an incredibly impractical dress that was nonetheless absolutely stunning. They had together come up with a theory that the fashion was deliberately restrictive, specifically designed to limit ninja killing each other over the negotiating table.

"This is going to be an outright war." Sasuke sighed. "Trying to keep _all_ of the clans united against father...it's a kind of war I've been training for since I was five, but still."

"Same here." Hinata agreed, flicking irritably at the fabric covering _her_ cursemark. "But what I really wonder is-"

There was a boom. They both turned to see a massive tower of swirling fire blasting up into the sky. They shared a glance, and then both leapt towards the disturbance.

By the time they got there, it was already over. ANBU covered the scene, as well as a few other curious ninja drawn by the sight, and it was obvious from the terrain a battle had taken place.

Sasuke spotted a familiar face, and ran up. "Excuse me, Kurenai-sensei? What happened?"

"An attack." The jonin may normally have been hesitant to reveal the information; but right now she was clearly shaken up by something. "Neji Hyuuga, and another man, in black cloaks with red clouds. They were after something, but they left before they could find it, whatever it is." The woman shook her head and vanished.

Sasuke turned to Hinata with wide eyes.

"Akatsuki." He whispered.

"Neji." She whispered back.

Then, as one, " _Naruto_."

* * *

Kisame, mildly infuriated, swiped at another Naruto with Samehada. "Neji, can you help with this?"

"I am helping." Neji replied. "I'm carrying the prisoner."

Neji had successfully rendered Naruto insensate and pulled him over his shoulder. He had, however, 'forgotten' to deal with all the other shadow clones, which had then summoned even more. The result was he and Kisame wading their way through a sea of obnoxious genin desperately trying to recover their creator. He was more than capable of striking down any clone that got too close, and throwing a shuriken through any that tried to sneakily substitute with the unconscious Naruto, but it was really annoying.

Adding to the chaos was the strange ice boy who had immediately broken into a screaming fit along the lines of " _YOU FUCKING BASTARDS HOW DARE YOU I WONT LET ANY MORE OF MY MASTERS BE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME YOU HEAR ME-"_ etcetera etcetera, with tears running down his cheeks as he bombarded the duo with senbon.

Getting fed up with this, Kisame shouldered Samehada and made a few hand seals. "Water bullet jutsu."

A massive bolt of liquid flew through the corridor to peg the black haired child-

Only to freeze solid, creating a wall of ice across the hallway.

"Huh." Mumbled Kisame.

Then that wall blasted forwards into dozens of shards of ice heading for the Akatsuki pair. Kisame redrew Samehada and span it, creating an impenetrable wall for the projectiles to shatter against, then he darted forwards and grabbed the child around the throat.

"Can I kill the ice girl?" He called over his shoulder.

"Boy." Neji replied, still fending off the Naruto clones. "And sure, if you have to."

"Wait, this is a boy-OW!"

While he was distracted, the boy had encased Kisame's arm in a layer of ice. When he flexed his arm to shatter the offending covering, he lost grip on his prisoner, who jumped free.

"Demonic ice mirrors jutsu!"

Neji watched the chakra weave itself around him, taking form as a series of, well, demonic looking mirrors made of ice. "Interesting bloodline limit." He complimented, as the boy vanished into the surface of the mirrors. "Interesting, but," the child leapt from a mirror behind his right shoulder, and he darted a hand out to catch him in the throat. Haku crumpled to the floor, stunned, as Neji walked up to the mirror directly in his way. "Insufficient."

"No..." Mumbled the boy, desperately trying to get up, even though the tenketsu in his neck was blocked meaning he'd lose consciousness any moment. "Don't...take him away from me..."

 _Oh I won't._ Tilting his head slightly, Neji put on of his fingers against a certain spot and pushed. The mirror cracked, and fell apart.

The view beyond it, to an ordinary person, would have just been a hallway ending with a window.

"Here." Neji shrugged off Naruto for Kisame to catch, "these next are mine."

Kisame, well used to Neji's enhanced vision, just nodded and grabbed Naruto's limp form.

The Hyuuga, in one smooth movement, cleared out every other Naruto clone in the hallway, just in time to be stood silently watching the window crash in.

His heart nearly stopped when he saw Hinata. _Oh look, she has grown._ Though that may have been the effect of her wearing a dress that had been summarily torn apart for greater mobility.

" _You!_ " She screamed, practically flying through the corridor with energy pulsing around her. _And there are the gates Itachi mentioned. Impressive_. He caught the flying kick she launched at his head. "Hello, cousin." He remarked.

She twisted out of his grip, and launched another round of strikes that he blocked with painful ease. "Still too slow." He remarked, sighing, before planting a foot in her chest and pushing. She went sprawling back into the corridor, a corridor that immediately filled with fireballs courtesy of the other child, Sasuke. Neji put some chakra in his hands and swept them out of the air, batting them back towards the Uchiha with much higher velocity. One caught him in the shoulder and he hissed, throwing off the now burning upper half of his garments.

"Not at your brother's level yet, it seems." Neji tutted.

Then Hinata was making hand seals again, with an accuracy that spoke of hours upon hours of practice. It hurt, the sequence he knew she was attempting, but he supposed he couldn't blame her for learning it. He waited, as she finished the seals and thrust her hands out towards him. "Caged bird, clipped wings jutsu!"

There was a pause.

Kisame chuckled from behind Neji.

"I trust you didn't think it would be that simple to change your fate." He remarked, offhandedly.

"What, but, how..." Hinata was shaking.

Deciding to dispense with the suspense, Neji reached up to his headband, and lifted it up.

* * *

"No." It was impossible. She lived in a world where people could breathe fire and walk on water, weave illusions and summon great monsters. But this...this couldn't be done. She _knew_ it couldn't be done. When Neji lifted up his forehead protector, cut into to show his betrayal of the village, it revealed his forehead. A blank forehead. The same pale pink as the rest of his skin.

So where the _fuck_ was the caged bird seal.

Sasuke glanced across at her and she realised she had said it aloud.

"Why would I wear a mark demonstrating my subservience to the Hyuuga?" Asked Neji, rhetorically. "I threw off those shackles years ago."

"Not all shackles can simply be thrown off!" She shouted, traumatised. "The caged bird seal only breaks upon _death_! How...how did you..."

"Still so set in your ways." Neji tutted. "You; the one I've chosen to challenge me? I too once believed that some things could never be done, but I soon learned that was folly. There _is_ only one fate, one future, one true worldline. But we hardly know that _now_. We can only believe. And the universe does not care what you believe to be impossible." He flexed his fingers. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The alarm bells rang in her head, but she did not have time to react before Neji appeared in front of her. She didn't see his hands move, but she felt her body stiffen, as Neji turned around to grasp Sasuke round the back of the neck. His hand covered the Uchiha's cursemark. "Hiragekoma." He muttered, calmly. And Sasuke screamed.

" _NO!_ " Hinata cried, straining to move as Sasuke writhed against Neji's grip, but she could see which tenketsu her cousin had hit, he had completely immobilised her from the neck down. "You Bastard, you can't take him too-"

"Kisame." Neji warned, not letting go. "On your left."

The shark-man turned, and Hinata, remembering to pay attention to her Byakugan, let out a surprised gasp.

Neji's warning came too late, as Naruto (still resting on Kisame's shoulder) poofed out of existence, to be replaced by a small green toad. Said toad then slapped Kisame around the face, and dispelled itself. That was when Jiraiya appeared from around the corner, with Naruto over one shoulder and some random woman over the other. "Appealing to my Perversion Ultima, are we?" He gave a hearty belly laugh. "While your offering is appreciated, Jiraiya the Gallant would never take liberties with a girl under genjutsu! It's like you weren't even trying!"

"Almost." Neji agreed. He released Sasuke's neck, and the boy crumpled to the ground.

"Oh damn, that's one of the Sannin." Kisame growled, turning to face the new threat. "I'm not sure if we're a match for him."

"Don't be ridiculous, we could tot-." Neji paused. "I mean, yes, I'm not sure we're a match for him either."

For a moment, Hinata was hopeful.

Jiraiya slapped his palms to the ground. "Toad Mouth Bind Jutsu!"

Hinata, for the life of her, couldn't tell if it was a genjutsu or not; the wooden walls of the corridor were replaced with some sticky pink substance that looked not unlike the gullet of some great monster.

Neji and Kisame tensed.

"Flee?" Offered the latter.

"For now." The former agreed. "Keep trying, Hinata. You're making progress."

With that, the pair vanished down a side corridor.

Jiraiya didn't follow them to check his jutsu's success, he ran straight across the trio of teens immobilised on the floor. "You three alright? What did he do?"

"I'm paralysed." Hinata admitted, in a daze. "A gentle fist technique. It should wear off on its own in a few minutes."

There was a boom from down the corridor, and Hinata winced, preparing to tell Jiraiya what she'd just seen. She didn't need to. He grimaced, and put his hands together, dispelling whatever technique he'd put on their surroundings. "They've escaped. Continue."

"Naruto and Haku are both victims of tenketsu strikes, both should wake up soon." She explained, vocal chords taut. "Sasuke is...I don't know what that was."

The Uchiha had reached a kneel and put his hand to the back of his neck, but his expression was one of wonder rather than pain. "The curse mark." He whispered, removing his hand to show them. "It's...it's gone!"

* * *

 ***Gasp* He whaaaaaaat?**

 **Guys you know I had to get rid of it somehow.**

 **Another of Neji's crazy new abilities revealed, and now he's flying in the face of everything Hinata thought she knew. Sorry honey, I'm not letting you one-jutsu your main enemy, that wouldn't be much fun, would it?**

 **Next chapter, aftermaths of this little debacle, and Jiraiya finally meets back up with Sannin #3.**


	34. Don't You Dare Try To Guilt Trip Me

**Don't You Dare Try To Guilt Trip Me**

* * *

Sasuke sat at Itachi's bedside.

Hinata stalked forwards and backwards across the room.

It was not a comfortable moment.

"He shipped us off!"

"I know."

"He attached us to a toad and, and, and just sent us home!"

"I know."

"We should go back. If I summon two owls consecutively, they should have the stamina to catch us up with them-"

"No."

"E-Excuse me?"

Sasuke turned to her, eyes hard. "No. We stay here."

"We can't just-"

"My brother." Sasuke cut in, angrily. "Is in a _coma_. And I didn't even _know_ because we went off half cocked with no backup to fight two S-rank missing-nin! And _because_ we did so, my father was in council for two hours this morning with no opposition."

"How can you..." Hinata was facing him down now. "Sasuke, your teammate just nearly-"

"Don't you _fucking_ _dare_ try and guilt trip me." Sasuke stood abruptly, walking up to her. "It was just like Orochimaru in the forest. Your cousin could have killed both of us before we'd even gone in through that window; the only reason we're still alive is because he wanted to _toy_ with us."

He stepped back, sighing. Funny thing, now the curse mark was gone his anger bled out way quicker, leaving him just...tired.

"Look...what are the two things you want most?"

"Neji dead." She answered, immediately. Then she paused.

"And Naruto, yeah, I know." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "So. You're not as strong as Neji yet- _don't_ get mad, you'll kick his ass some day, but you're not there right now. So going out there and accompanying them won't help you. As for Naruto, the best thing you can do for him right now? It's make sure he isn't risking his life _and_ wasting his time." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Stay here. Do some politics. So when Naruto gets home, we can all keep moving forwards."

Hinata looked down at the floor, hands clenched. "He just cheats." She bit out. "First the owls, then the seal...how do I beat someone who keeps doing the impossible?"

"Start doing it yourself." Sasuke suggested. "Outmanoeuvring the head of the biggest clan in Konoha probably looks impossible, doesn't it?"

Hinata took in a deep breath. "Alright. A few weeks. By the time Naruto's back I'll have Fugaku on a leash."

"That's...odd phrasing."

"No, you've just spent too long around Itachi." She smiled at him. "And aren't dramatic speeches Naruto's thing?"

"I picked up a few things." Sasuke shrugged. "Do...you want a hug?"

"No."

"Okay."

"...A little one."

"Okay."

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was in love. It had taken him a long time to realise this fact, worryingly long, when the object of his affections had been so close for so long. He pondered, briefly, on what love really meant. Was it a physical attraction? Because if so, he was _definitely_ smitten there. Or was it something more tied to personality? a respect for someone's drive, an appreciation of their quirks? He felt all those too.

In the end, he decided that that it was something deeper than all that. True love was understanding what someone _was_. It was when you gazed into their soul, witnessed their true purpose, and found it the most beautiful thing in the world.

"Uh, Naruto? You in there..?"

"Beautiful..." Naruto murmured.

Jiraiya coughed. "Uh, well, anyway. That was the Rasengan."

"And her name's as beautiful as her face..." the boy sighed, dreamily, looking at the massive hole the technique had drilled into the cliff side.

"If he looked at me like that I might actually pounce on him." Haku mused from a safe distance.

"Your father's technique." Jiraiya explained. "Pure shape transformation; a sphere of concentrated chakra with one of the highest attack potencies in my arsenal."

"She's perfect..." Naruto whispered.

"Well, not quite." Jiraiya admitted.

"You take that _back_!"

"She gets better!" Jiraiya reassured him. "Ah crap now you've got me doing it...yeah she- _it's_ still an incomplete technique. Your pops never managed to apply nature transformation to it to make it elemental. Kakashi tried, _failed_ , and made the chidori, which speaks volumes about what it's supposed to be able to do."

"Every time you mention my dad he's doing something awesome." Naruto pointed out. "He must have been one hell of a ninja."

"He was, kid." Jiraiya smiled. "He definitely was."

"...well? Teach me the beautiful murder jutsu!"

"Alright, fine. So the first thing you need to learn..."

* * *

"Aww, that is the most adorable thing I have ever _seen_!"

Sasuke and Hinata broke apart at the speed of highly trained and highly embarrased ninja, as the new arrival in the room put a hand up to her mouth and laughed.

"Byakugan?" Sasuke hissed.

"I was distracted!" Hinata shot back.

"Rule one of dojutsu; don't become over dependant on it." The stranger agreed, walking over to Itachi. She had unremarkable long brown hair and eyes, and a mole beneath one eye.

She reached into a pocket and drew out a very specific flower, sliding it into a vase in the coma patient's bedside.

Sasuke and Hinata, both well trained in clan formalities, knew what it meant. "Not to be rude," Sasuke began, "but who are you and why are you giving my brother the unrequited love flower?"

"It's an in-joke." She explained. "He has a bit of a history of ignoring me, and then he went ahead and got himself put in a coma. Which doesn't really answer your question..." She looked up and smiled. "I suppose you could say I'm his girlfriend."

Sasuke looked at her blankly. "...Huh. He certainly kept _that_ quiet."

"He would have had to." She sighed. "Part of the reason we first bonded was because neither of us really got on with the clan while we were growing up."

 _Analysing...Processing..._ "You're an Uchiha?" Sasuke exclaimed, surprised. She didn't have the signature black hair, nor was she wearing the clan symbol anywhere on her person.

"Technically." She responded, wiggling one hand in a so-so motion. "Mum was a member but dad wasn't, so I'm in a strange limbo of them not wanting to acknowledge that I exist."

Hinata had a different issue. "Wait, the Uchiha _o_ _ther Uchiha?_ wouldn't that be ince-"

" _NO._ " Sasuke and the stranger both replied in unison, frantically. "Big, big clan. Bloodline purity." Sasuke explained. "It's, uh, not weird I swear."

"This happens regularly?" Hinata wrinkled her nose. "You know, the Byakugan doesn't have to rely on kissing cousins to maintain it's purity."

"Neither does the Sharingan, but I suppose it must be easier to maintain a weaker bloodline." Sasuke sniffed.

"The Byakugan is _not_ a weaker bloodline."

"It so is."

"I'm sorry, who won the exam finals?"

"You only won because I forfeit, I could have killed you at the end there-"

"Easy for you to say _now_ -"

They both stopped, as the stranger started laughing again. "Oh, dear. You two sound just like Itachi and Neji."

The temperature in the room dropped by about ten degrees.

"Which was a little insensitive, I'm sorry. Tell you what, if you'd like I can train with you while Itachi's out like this? Temporarily, of course. He's far too stubborn to stay out of the fight for long."

"Um." Sasuke frowned. "No offense, miss, but we don't even know your name."

"Right, my bad." She gave them a wave. "My name's Izumi. Izumi Uchiha."

* * *

 **Some days later**

The lady Tsunade was having a very good day, and it terrified her.

She was not a lucky person. Years of gambling had taught her this. She wasn't a poor gambler, experience had taught her how to read others, when to call and when to bluff, etcetera. But her cards, just, sucked. Always. Perpetually. _Every time_.

There were very few times in her life when she had gotten a good run of luck in the gambling den. They had invariably preceded the absolute worst periods of her entire life.

Which was why when she threw down a royal flush, _again_ , all she could do was sigh, mutter a halfhearted 'good game' to her shocked competitors, and stand up with her winnings.

"That was amazing my lady!" Shizune, ever loyal, came running up to congratulate her. "With this, we can pay off all your debts!"

"Sure." Tsunade shrugged.

"And I know you want to spend it on-wait, what?" Shizune blinked. "You...you will?"

"Of course." Tsunade dumped a large majority of the money into her assistant's hands. "I get the feeling I might want to tie up some loose ends. You pay off the asshats, I'm going to get a drink."

"That's more like you." The younger woman chuckled. "I'll meet you at the usual place, then?"

'The usual place' being the nearest pub; one she had gotten used to visiting over the last few months. She sat down, ordered some sake, and waited. After a few minutes, the door chimed, and a familiar head of white hair poked through.

 _Oh, I hate being right._

* * *

"So then I said 'what do you mean there's paint on the Hokage monument? I wasn't even near there!' And then Iruka said-"

"Naruto?"

"What?"

"We're here."

The genin paused in his dramatic retelling of one of the greatest tales in prank history.

Jiraiya grabbed him by the hand, and nodded towards one of the booths.

A blonde haired woman sat there, nursing a bottle of alcohol alone.

"That her?" Haku asked, from Jiraiya's other side.

"That's her." The man nodded. His face was drawn, mouth in a thin line. It was obvious the reunion was emotional for him. "You two wait here for now. This is going to have to be done carefully, with no small amount of tact, and possibly bribery. Leave the introductions to me." With nods from both children, he walked over to Tsunade's booth.

She didn't look up as he sat down.

"This is the fourth cesspit I've searched trying to find you." He began, searching for a reaction. He didn't get one. Attempt two.

"Though..." he squinted at the label on the drink in front of her. "This place has better taste than the others." He reached for the the neck of the bottle.

Her hand clamped across his the moment he reached it.

"Listen, and I'll buy you another." He offered, trying not to show how much her grip was hurting him.

Slowly, she relaxed her grip, leaning back in the chair and taking a look at him. "Jiraiya." She said, eventually. "You've got fat."

"Fat _ter_." He corrected, taking the bottle for himself and swigging from it. "But you look exactly the same. Still under that transformation technique?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She demurred with a smile, taking the bottle back off him. "This is just natural youth and good skin care." She poured some more for herself. "So why are you here? Something tells me if you'd just wanted to catch up, you'd have done it sometime a decade ago?"

"I recall you made it clear you didn't want that, in a pretty explicit way." He defended. "Hidden Swamp will never be the same."

She laughed, for a moment. Then her eyes hardened. "Well then? What is it?"

"Sarutobi-Sensei is dead." He said, bluntly.

Her eyes widened imperceptibly. "I...see. I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't know."

"Then I won't get on your back for not showing up at his funeral." Jiraiya allowed. "You'll never guess who did him in."

"Old scaly?" She guessed.

He nodded.

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

Tsunade slumped backwards with a sigh. "To be honest, Sensei probably would have preferred it to be one of us."

"And he died defending the village." Jiraiya nodded. "He wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

They shared a brief silence, both nursing their thoughts and their drinks in the other's company.

"So, who's next?" Tsunade eventually asked. "Him dying leaves one hell of a power vacuum. Who's the new Hokage?"

Jiraiya coughed, and met her eyes.

She realised.

"No."

"Tsunade-"

"No! Hell no!"

"You're our best shot-"

"Like fuck I am!" She slammed a fist down on the table. "Who are the other candidates?"

"Fugaku Uchiha."

"Oh, shit, okay. Who else?"

"Kakashi."

"Who?"

"Exactly. And that's it."

"Seriously?" She wrinkled her nose. "What about that, uh..." she snapped her fingers trying to remember. "That Neji kid, he'll be old enough."

"He betrayed the village."

"Shit, really? The other one, Itachi, then."

"Last I checked, he's in a coma." Jiraiya leaned forwards. "We need _you_ , Tsunade."

"No you don't." She waved derisively. "You need some romanticised version of me you have in your head, some badass medical warrior. Not...not _this_." She gestured vaguely.

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Trust me, my 'romanticised' version of you does not look like what you're imagining."

"Pervert."

"Bitch."

"Don't think making me laugh convinces me, asshat. I can't do that job. I don't _want_ that job."

"Yes, you can, and it isn't about what you want." He put both hands on the table. "Our village needs a leader, Tsun. Hiruzen would have-"

"Don't you _dare_ use him to blackmail me." She glared right back.

"Alright then." Jiraiya paused. "Think about the children, Tsunade! The poor innocent children with their hopeful eyes, youthful innocence, and-"

"This is the one you want to be Hokage?" Naruto leaned over Jiraiya's shoulder, squinting. "She's so...old."

Tsunade deadeyed him. "Who the fuck is this."

"Uzumaki Naruto! Future Hokage!" He struck a pose, before losing his balance and falling down into the seat next to Jiraiya. "I'm here to review the person looking after my hat for me. So far? Not impressed."

"Naruto I _told_ you to stay away." Jiraiya twitched.

"You did, but we decided you were taking too long and not making much progress." Haku walked up, also scrutinising the newly introduced Sannin as well as the bottle in front of her. "I wouldn't have expected a medical ninja to be willing to do _this_ to her body."

"Do I look like it's affecting me, boy?" Tsunade snarled, moving her arms to emphasise her generous figure.

"That's a transformation jutsu." Haku dismissed, before blinking. "Wait, did you just get my gender right?"

"Honey I'm a medic-nin, I know what junk someone's packing." Tsunade tilted her head. "You fancy yourself a healer?"

"I'm...learning, but I'm better at using the knowledge to kill people." Haku admitted.

"I can respect that." Tsunade turned back to Naruto. "And then there's you. I can sense the Kyuubi in your stomach, is that your excuse for your disrespect?"

"Oh no, I take full responsibility for my own disrespect." Naruto replied, offended. "So when I tell you you look like a saggy old cow, you know that's all me."

Jiraiya's head hit the table.

"Listen here you little-" Tsunade stopped. Then laughed. "Nice try, asshole. But you're not _goading_ me into taking the job."

She leaned in. "Good luck becoming Hokage, punk. Maybe if they put you in charge that hellhole of a village will finally fall apart."

"Hey! I'd be a great Hokage!" Naruto shot back. "I've even learned the Rasengan!"

"Really?" Tsunade put one hand on her chest in mock shock. "Can you show me?"

"Well..." He shifted. "I've technically not learned it yet...But I've done the first stage already!"

"Thought so." Tsunade looked down on him smugly. "That jutsu took Jiraiya _years_ to learn. By the time _you_ manage it we'll be on Kage number twenty."

"As if!" Naruto pointed dramatically. "I'll have mastered this jutsu in a week! Believe it!"

"Sure you will."

"I will!"

"Suuuure you will."

"Bet I will!"

"Bet you won't."

"Bet I _will_!"

"Bet you _won't._ "

"How much?"

"What?"

"How much do you bet?"

Jiraiya, head still on the table, cracked an eye open.

Tsunade glared at Naruto for a long moment. "Alright punk, I see what you're doing. Sure thing. If you can master the Rasengan in five days I'll come back and be the Hokage. Hell, I'll even throw in this."

She wrapped her fingers around her neck, tugging, and pulled off a necklace with an odd green crystal in it. "But if you don't...you all have to leave and _never bother me again_. Deal?"

"Now hold on-"

"DEAL!" Naruto cut across Jiraiya's interruption, spitting on his palm and holding it out.

Amused, Tsunade did the same. They shook.

"Five days." Naruto confirmed. "And I mean the full five. None of this 'midday on the fifth' crap that caught me out at the chunin exams."

"Of course." Tsunade replied. "You made chunin?"

"Well...no."

"Ha!"

"Hey, shut up!"

Jiraiya slumped back in his seat with a sigh. "Well, that's us doomed. Hey, bartender! Can we get another bottle of this, please!"

* * *

 **Ah, the Sannin dynamic. Honestly one of the most fun parts of this arc to write. The events proceed roughly the same on Naruto's end, and back with the dynamic duo...well. You didn't think I'd forgotten about Izumi, did you?**

 **Because I had.**

 **So thanks to that one reviewer for pointing her continued existence out; you know who you are.**

 **Next chapter...oh you know it.**

 **It's time for another Shonen training montage, bitches!**


	35. Training montage 5: Rasen-Against Time

**Training Montage #5: Rasen-against time**

 **Day one**

"You realise you're doomed, right?" Haku was leaned against a tree, watching Naruto. They had vacated the village, and found their way to a valley a few miles out. Here was where Naruto would perform a feat that would rank him leagues above one of Konoha's strongest Kage...or fall flat on his face.

"Two years is what it took Jiraiya to learn the Rasengan. Namikaze Minato, the fourth Hokage? One of the strongest Kage _ever_? Sixteen months to develop it. And you want to divide that time by about a hundred?"

"Nah." Naruto shook his jacket off his shoulders, leaving him in his 'training gear' (which was his usual gear but without his jacket) "I'm gonna, like, multiply it by three."

"...How?" Haku asked.

"Number one!" Naruto held up a finger, stretching. "The fourth and my dad probably didn't spend every second of every day training the Rasengan, they'll have spent most of that time sleeping, working, ninja-ing and Hokage-ing. So I can catch up a little there."

"...Oka-"

"Number two!" Naruto put his hands together. "I can do this! Multi shadow clone jutsu!"

There was a very large puff of smoke. Roughly eighty Naruto appeared in the clearing.

"Ah." Haku acknowledged, doing the math. "That might help a little."

"Alright suckers!" Naruto prime shouted. "You all know what you're doing! Let's get to work!"

* * *

"You are a lot more confident about this than you were yesterday evening." Tsunade remarked, strolling alongside Jiraiya. "Know something I don't?"

"Tell me, lady Tsunade." He began, putting on an air of scholarship she'd heard dozens of times throughout their time as a team. She hated it. "What do you know about the shadow clone jutsu?"

"Makes tangible copies, splits your chakra, they act like you, and you get the memories back after." She recited. "Uncle Tobirama made it, Minato and Hiruzen were big fans. What about it?"

"Naruto uses it all the time." Jiraiya continued. "But I've noticed something strange about how his work. You mentioned that they act like you. Care to elaborate?"

"They have your mind." Tsunade shrugged. "They know they're summons, so they do what you'd want, and they act exactly how you would."

"True for most people." Jiraiya agreed. "Not for Naruto."

"What? How do you mean?" Tsunade would never admit it, but she was genuinely curious.

"Naruto's clones don't flinch." He explained. "They don't care about pain. They don't get bored or lose concentration. They're more precise in taijutsu, and have faster reaction times. They don't have any qualms about sacrificing themselves, and they don't make stupid mistakes."

"Not possible." She dismissed. "Shadow clones can't be better than the original by definition, they're an exact copy."

"Ah, but they aren't 'better', my dear." Jiraiya replied, grinning cheekily. "Allow me to explain. Any normal person, even if they know how to do something like, say, hit a target with a kunai, will still show some variation from throw to throw, and sometimes they'll mess up. Naruto's clones don't do that. They'd hit the target dead centre every single time, even when the real version would get it wrong."

"But...that doesn't make any sense." Tsunade tried to recall back when she'd learned the technique. (the chakra splitting interfered with her strength of a hundred seal, so she never used it.) "You're saying they can do everything physically and mentally possible for Naruto, even if he doesn't usually manage it. But their brain is a carbon copy of his. They should be indistinguishable."

"But they _aren't_." Jiraiya chuckled. "If Naruto had learned shadow clones the orthodox way, I imagine his clones would be perfectly normal. But in learning the hardest version of it with zero context from a forbidden scroll, he doesn't have any of the preconceptions the rest of us have. And no offence to the kid, but he isn't smart enough to think about the psychology for himself. ' _Of course_ my clones don't care about boredom or pain. _Of course_ they don't mess up their hand seals, or get distracted. _I_ might, but why would they? They're clones!'"

"The placebo effect." Tsunade realised. "Or rather it's absence. Whether or not they think they're able, they always do their very best, because why _wouldn't_ they..."

She looked across at him. "I take it _your_ shadow clones don't do this?"

"Nope." Jiraiya shook his head. "Still normal. With a few months of mantras, psychology lessons and epiphanies, this might be teachable to your average jonin. Uzumaki Naruto did it accidentally."

Tsunade realised she was actually getting interested, and quickly and viciously clamped down on it. "Well, so what?" She dismissed. "He's got one or two shadow clones that are smarter than usual. That isn't gonna let him...why are you laughing?"

"He..." Jiraiya was guffawing. "He can do a _bit_ more than two!"

"What, then? Ten?"

"Higher."

"Twenty?"

"Higher."

" _Fifty?_ "

"Over a hundred at his max, without the Kyuubi." Jiraiya finally relented, grinning from ear to ear. "Several hundred, if not a thousand, if he gets angry and draws on it."

Tsunade gaped at the sheer amount of power in the boy. "Oh. Fuck."

"Exactly. And he's got twelve years of experience dealing with a Kyuubi in his head, which nicely limbers his brain up for getting dozens of different sets of memories at once."

"You...you actually think he can do it." Tsunade realised. Then she realised something else. "You knew the whole time he'd have a chance. You thought that I'd be more likely to accept the bet if you...acted like you hated the idea...Jiraiya you manipulative bastard!"

"Hehehehehe-"

She swung for a punch, he ducked, and then she went in for a grapple. The struggle began, two old geezers fighting over nothing in particular.

It was just like old times.

* * *

 **Day two**

"So, why paralysis specifically?" Asked Shizune, leading through some of her files.

"I've...had issues with it once or twice." Haku admitted, standing a respectful distance back. "Both dealing and receiving."

"Poison?" Tsunade' assistant asked.

"Pressure point trauma."

"Ooh, nasty." The woman heaved down a large folder and dropped it on the table, blowing some dust off the cover. "Here are my lady's manuscripts on the subject...actually hold on, I should probably get her tenketsu charts out as well."

Haku found Shizune comfortable to be around. She was patient, compassionate, kind, and utterly hopeless in combat. With the exception of his patients, Haku rarely had cause to hang around someone he definitely _could_ kill at a moment's notice, but had no intention to.

It was relaxing.

He was fucked up.

"Does Tsunade use these very often?" He asked, wiping some more dust off one of the pages.

"Not really." Shizune sighed. "My lady doesn't practice much anymore. Most of it she just knows, and there aren't many cases serious enough for her to pull out the more complex stuff. Occasionally she'll feel guilty enough and heal someone, or she'll feel guilty enough and pull something out to teach me, but..."

"A lot of guilt." Haku noted.

"Yeah..." Shizune smiled. "If I'm being honest, this is probably the best mood I've seen her in in years. Uh, don't tell her I said that."

"Too late." Shizune winced as Tsunade flicked her on the ear, walking up from behind her. Haku was slightly worried by the way the woman had managed to sneak up on them. "You think I'm getting rusty? Shizune have these doubts always been lurking in the back of your mind?"

"I...no...I mean I-"

"It's fine." Tsunade laughed it off, sitting down next to her and squinting down at the papers. "Paralysis, tenketsu, neurotoxins...Kami, this is a mess. Who wrote this? They must have been drunk."

Shizune coughed. "You did, ma'am."

"Oh, yeah. Well it needs rewriting by someone actually intelligent. And sober." The Sannin looked up.

"So, little mister androgynous."

"Haku."

"Whatever. You wanna learn how to cure this?"

"And cause it."

"Atta boy! Well, here's what you really need to know..."

* * *

 **Day three**

"~we're losing groooound~"

"~I knooooow~"

Sasuke and Hinata, in synchronisation, paced around Hinata's living room.

"Most of the clans who's kids were in our class are in agreement that Dad's an asshole." Sasuke grumbled. "But that doesn't mean everyone. Apparently he's making incredibly generous offers to clans that will support his campaign. Of course, once he becomes Hokage he can do whatever he wants and his promises won't mean jack shit."

"I never realised how many small clans there were until I had to try and account for all of them." Hinata gestured vaguely with her hands. "It's like herding cats trying to account for them all! It's like herding _Toras_!"

Sasuke shuddered at the image. "Our best opportunities are when all the clans meet, we can talk to all of them at once. But it also gives Dad more opportunities to extol his own virtues, and stress more people out. And obviously, the longer passes without a kage..."

"People get bored of our shouting, and they get more impatient about a decision." Hinata sighed, and dropped down into a seat to massage her temples. "How's Itachi?"

"Still asleep." Sasuke replied. "Medic-nin say he's stable, but they have no idea how long until he wakes up."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

They were silent for a time.

"Where's Naruto's shadow clone?" Hinata asked.

"Researching." Sasuke told her, then, when she made an incredulous look, "yeah, I know. Apparently he gets new memories and chakra every hour or so from Naruto Prime and he's pissed off he can't help training, so he's trying to look up useful info in the library." Sasuke paused. "He says he feels unstable, like he might just pop at any moment. Kakashi said that could happen, right? A shadow clone's chakra coils will eventually break down."

"Well I hope Naruto Prime enjoys the memories of us moping and being stressed."

"Was...was that a joke?"

"Perhaps." Hinata smiled slightly. "I just hope he comes back soon."

"Yeah, me too, Hinata. Me too."

* * *

Itachi saw white. His body was visible, but his surroundings were nothing but a sheer blankness with no shadows, curves or imperfections. He could hear nothing, smell, taste and feel nothing. His internal clock told him it had been over two weeks. A civilian, one without Itachi's extensive training in genjutsu and mental fortitude, would have gone insane.

"This is fucking boring." He remarked.

* * *

 **Day four**

"Alright, that will be twelve Ryo." Said the cashier, adding up the total on the machine, then with wide eyes, "Oh! Looks like you've won our ten-thousandth customer prize! That gives you fifty percent off on your next shop! Lucky you!"

"Yeah." Tsunade grit her teeth. "Lucky."

It was on the way home that it happened.

"Well well well, the famous Lady Tsunade relegated to making shopping trips. How the mighty have fallen."

Tsunade groaned, and turned round. "You? Really? Are we going for a full on Sannin reunion?"

Orochimaru chuckled, appearing out of the shadows of a nearby building. "Oh, is Jiraiya here too? How adorable. I'd pay him a visit, but frankly I'm not certain I'd win in my present condition."

"Oh? Good. In that case..." Tsunade dropped her shopping and stalked forwards, cracking her knuckles.

"Peace, Tsunnie." The snake Sannin sighed. "I'm not here for a fight."

"Do I care?" Tsunade growled. "You know I hate that nickname. Also, you _murdered the old man_."

Orochimaru shrugged. "A little. He was dying anyway. Old people do that. I'm working on fixing the whole death thing, don't you worry-"

"Why. The fuck. Are you here." Tsunade deadpanned.

"Right, of course." Orochimaru grimaced, and held his arms out. Tsunade looked at them, and grimaced back. "Nasty."

"Quite." He drawled. The arms did look horrible. White skin had turned dark and splotchy, and was peeling in places. "The old man did this as a parting gift. He used a half successful reaper death seal on me, how thoughtful of him. Fix it."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

Tsunade shook her head at his sheer audacity. "Rochi, darling, I have literally zero reason to do that as opposed to splatter your face over that wall. Which I'm about to do in ten seconds, unless you start talking some sense."

"I can bring your boyfriend and brother back to life."

Tsunade's heart stopped.

Started again.

"Cute." She replied. "Five seconds, and now I'm pissed off."

"I'm not lying, Tsunade." Orochimaru's gaze was piercing. "I can give you both of them. Alive, sane, and in decent enough condition."

"Uh-huh." She raised an eyebrow. "Is this gonna be like that time you said you could revive Jiraiya's dog, and then when you gave it to him it was a brain-dead zombie?"

"Ye of little faith." Orochimaru smiled at her. "Rest assured, they'll be real. I have a technique that lets me genuinely call their souls from the other side. They'll be a bit flaky and possibly smelly, but it'll be them. No catch, no conditions."

"Rochi." She said. "That's the most incredibly suspicious thing I've ever heard."

"Oh but that's what makes it fun!"

"I'd need proof."

"And I'd give it. I'd need proof you can fix my arms."

"Well unless you can find another person who's had the spirit ripped out of their limbs, and that's not an encouragement to do so, then I can't give it." She smiled sweetly. "I suppose you'll just have to trust me. Assuming I can trust you first."

"How about this." Orochimaru offered. "We meet tomorrow morning. I bring back one of your beloveds (I'll let you pick which one) and you confirm I've actually done so properly. Then you heal me, and I reanimate the second. Deal?"

Tsunade thought.

Orochimaru stood, and smiled.

"If you betray me." She told him. "Only one of us will be leaving alive."

Orochimaru, the fucking creep, licked his lips. "My dear, you know I wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *

 **Gotta love montages. If this were the anime we'd have three different mini-sidequests. I think we did, actually. Wasn't there a chase with Shizune and some loan sharks...ah whatever.**

 **Naruto's use of the 'spam shadow clones to solve problems' technique is getting used much earlier on, and the Sannin all start to meet up with each other. Brief look into Itachi's coma and things are getting worse back at Konoha.**

 **Next chapter, things come to a head. BIG fight time.**


	36. When the Old Squad gets back together

**When the old squad gets back together and immediately tries to fucking kill each other**

* * *

For fuck's sake Tobirama where do you even, no, where the _fuck_ do you get the ideas to make these things-

Fine. Fine. Sure, okay.

Summoning: Impure World Reincarnation.

Aka the Edo Tensei.

So my brother has deigned to make a technique to bring people back from the dead. Note to self, send brother to therapy sessions.

-The Edo Tensei directly summons the soul of a deceased person back to the world of the living.

-It requires a sample of that individual's DNA as a part of the contract (size required is negligible) and...A _living sacrifice?_ Tobi what the fuck-

(ink spilled across the page)

Fine. Fine! This is perfectly fine.

-A _living person's body_ is used as a host for the summoned person's spirit. Tobirama has told me that the host will only experience brain death after an extended period as the host, which of course is much better than them immediately dying.

-Only one person may be reanimated at one time by each caster. ( _Limit increased up to four, -O_ ) ( _Limit removed entirely, -K_ )

-The reanimated person has _unlimited_ chakra, but has a chakra capacity limited to a small fraction of their original. They can continue to fight forever, but may be incapable of using certain jutsu, or using them at the magnitudes they could in life. This also means their physical strength and speed will be lower. ( _Chakra capacity now identical to the_ caster _'s maximum capacity. Only extremely powerful summons will be at a detriment, most will be improved. -K)_

-The resurrected individual will be functionally immortal, as their bodies will regenerate fully even from complete disintegration and they do not die after a time limit, _or even after the death of the caster._ Kami, Tobirama...

 _-_ Reanimated ninja cannot use the reanimation jutsu. ( _Boo!)_

-Through use of a seperate sealing jutsu (that's also going in this scroll,) placed on the sacrifice beforehand, the actions of the summon can be controlled by the caster. Simple commands such as who to attack are currently all that's possible. ( _Control of the reanimate is now possible to any degree. Free will and self awareness can be altered to any degree, granting a 'no strings attached' reincarnation or a mindless zombie. The summon can also be 'piloted' directly by the caster. -O)_

-The only known ways to completely defeat a reanimated fighter is to use some form of soul targeting jutsu, seal them with some fuuninjutsu or another (they're technically still alive at that point, just stuck) or to make the caster release the technique. ( _If multiple individuals are reanimated at one time, all will be re-killed at once when the technique is released. -O)_

-A ninja of sufficient power and constitution (such as an Uzumaki or Senju) may be able to overpower the control of their summoner. This will free them to act as they wish with their newfound immortality, but they still can be dispelled if the caster catches wind of the betrayal.

-If the ninja being summoned also knows how to perform the Edo Tensei, they will be able to resist being dispelled, freeing themselves entirely should the summoner try to get rid of them. But come on, the only people who know this are me, Tobirama, and Madara. When's _that_ ever gonna come up?

- _Official statement from Hokage Senju Hashirama, on storing this technique in the 'Don't Fuck With These' scroll. Notes scribbled by Orochimaru and Yahushi Kabuto._

* * *

 **Day five**

The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and absolutely nothing was going to go wrong.

"Are we sure Jiraiya's here?" Naruto asked, leaning over Haku's shoulder.

"No." Haku sighed, continuing to walk down the road. "But this is where he was yesterday evening. He and Tsunade went out for a drink, and since we can't find him anywhere else, it's my best bet." He looked sideways at Naruto. "Do you really need to find him?"

"Of course! Naruto Prime is passed out in his room right now, he needs ramen if he wants to have a productive day of training!"

Haku tried not to show his frustration that, once again, he had been talking to a clone without realising. "You know, you could always spend your _own_ money on food."

"Or." The clone countered, stopping outside the relevant bar. "I could milk Jiraiya for all he's worth given he's promised he'll feed me for the trip."

"You're impossible."

"I prefer 'Pragmatic.'"

"Where did you even learn that word?" Laughing, Haku pushed the door open...and paused.

"Oh hey, there he is." Naruto deadpanned.

Jiraiya was slumped on one of the bar stools.

"Oh, he yours?" The bartender remarked, cleaning the tables. "Been here all night. Get rid of him, will ya? Bastard's too heavy for me."

Haku approached Jiraiya cautiously, scrutinising his face. "He...looks like he's been poisoned."

The bartender laughed. "Oh, you think he's bad? You should see some of the other patrons I-"

"No, I," Haku cut across him, opening one of Jiraiya's eyes and looking at his irises. "I think he's _literally_ been poisoned. Oh Kami, what the hell..."

"He's been what?" Naruto gaped.

Haku pulled the drink out of Jiraiya's hand, sniffed it, and wrinkled his nose. "Okay, that's definitely been spiked. What the...who could have done this?"

"The only one near him all last night was the blonde lady." The bartender remarked, still particularly unconcerned. "Damn woman owes me fifty Ryo..."

"Why would granny Tsunade poison Jiraiya?" Naruto was thoroughly confused.

"Good question." Haku agreed. "More importantly...this is a neuroparalytic. Why would she use a poison she just taught me how to cure? Naruto, I think this might be a message."

"Couldn't she have just used, I dunno, a _message_?"

"Zabuzza once gave me instructions by hiding morse code in his stabs. Mid battle. Ninja never take the simple option." Haku began fishing around in his pockets for medical supplies. "Pop. Wake up the real Naruto, and get the rest of the clones to start searching for Tsunade. This might be an emergency."

* * *

The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and everything was definitely going to go wrong.

"Good morning, my dear!" Orochimaru waved brightly at her. "I take it from Jiraiya's condition that you agreed to my proposal? Nasty poison, that, but we both know he has an impressive constitution. Are you sure it was enough?"

" _I forgot you were a morning person_." Tsunade muttered. "Trust me, it's enough. With nobody to heal him, he'll be out until sunset." _Come on Haku._ "And yes. I agree."

They were in some abandoned ruin on the village's outskirts, and her eyes were already scanning for cover, altitude, and that one ninja failing miserably to remain hidden from her.

"Excellent." Orochimaru replied. "I keep to my end of the bargain, Tsunnie. Who do you want back first?"

Tsunade had thought long and hard about this one. "Dan." She said, voice hoarse. "Give me my love back."

"Ooh, controversial." Orochimaru grinned. "Hoes before bros, apparently. You know he's technically twenty or so years younger than you now, right?"

"Just...do it. Please." She bit out.

Orochimaru shrugged. "As you wish." He whistled.

The ninja who had been trying poorly to hide took that moment to jump out of cover, landing beside Orochimaru. "Lady Tsunade." He greeted, dipping his head. "I must say, it's an honour. I'm a big fan of your work."

"Kabuto here will be performing the technique." Orochimaru explained. "Given that I currently lack arms and the capacity for hand seals. Kabuto, go ahead."

The young man with obnoxious blue hair nodded, and began making a series of hand seals that Tsunade carefully memorised. "Impure World Reincarnation jutsu." He declared.

There was a rumble.

Black markings spread across the ground, and a literal coffin rose up from the dirt.

"Not to make you feel bad, but I did just kill a guy to make this happen." Orochimaru remarked, picking at his teeth.

"You what?" Tsunade glared.

"A life for a life." The snake shrugged. "Oh, right, this might count as one of those 'catches' I sad there weren't any of. My bad."

The coffin stopped moving, and its front fell down.

Tsunade gasped, audibly.

It's occupant stepped out onto open ground, blinking.

"The fuck?" Said Kato Dan.

* * *

"I...actually did it." Kabuto said, surprised.

"Excellently done." Orochimaru congratulated him, watching Tsunade confirm the revival of her lover. "And if you ever do it without my permission, I'll feed you to Jugo."

"I...of course master."

Tsunade ran her chakra cloaked hands across Dan's body, confirming what she had both hoped and feared. "It's...really you." She managed. "The body's not, but it's your chakra, your _soul_."

"If the science is inconclusive, you could always ask me questions only I'd know the answer to." He replied, smiling that smile of his. "Do you want me to say what happened that night in the forest six months ago? Or I suppose it would be years ago by now, that's _weird_."

"You ass." She laughed, running in for a hug. He acquiesced, and she buried her face in his chest. "I missed you." She mumbled.

"I know." He replied, equally softly. "So what happens now?"

"Now I heal Orochimaru's hands." She admitted. "And he brings back my brother."

"And kills another person?" Dan replied, concerned. "Tsunade, that's-"

"I know." She replied, simply. She stood to her full height, squeezed his hand, and walked back towards Orochimaru. "Alright." She told him. "Amazingly, you've dealt in good faith. Time for me to fulfill my end of the bargain. Arms out."

Orochimaru acquiesced, shrugging off the cloak around his shoulders to bare his mutilated limbs to the world. Tsunade began concentrating chakra in her hands, emitting the same blue-green glow as most of her medical techniques. Of course, this one wouldn't do quite what those did.

 _Sorry Rochi. Turns out I'm not quite as morally bankrupt as I thought I was. Dammit._

Reaching him, she prepared to lunge forwards, blowing one mighty hole through his chest and splitting his head into several gross pieces...but she froze.

Not of her own volition; her body seized up beneath her.

 _I'm sorry._ Said Dan's voice inside her head. _He's controlling me._

"That chakra buildup was for an attack." Said her voice, from her mouth. "She betrayed you."

 _Fuck._ She thought. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Spirit transfer jutsu._

 _Yes. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't even know_ _he was controlling me until you decided to attack him._

The spirit transfer jutsu, which allowed Dan to send his actual soul flying out of his body to cover great distances and possess someone, burning up their insides and controlling their movements. It was nigh untraceable, nigh unstoppable, and apparently hurt like a bitch.

"Aw, how lovely." Orochimaru walked up to her, and poked her in the face. "Again, I suppose having remote control of your beloved would count as a 'catch.' I'm really sorry, turns out I'm just a dirty liar."

She tried to say some very naughty words. She couldn't.

He chuckled. "Dan? Drop her. I can't have her dying before she fixes me."

With a release of tension she was alone in her body again, and she slumped to the floor. The burning in her innards relented, and she immediately set about trying to regenerate the damage, even as she desperately tried to control her breathing. Orochimaru knelt in front of her. "Now look, I'm not great at coming up with the clever threats, that was always _your_ forte, but I _am_ good at cutting off toes. Rest assured you _will_ be fixing my arms, the more prudent question is how long it takes, and what state you're in after you finish."

"Fuck...you..." She panted, clenching her fists.

"That...was not on the torture list, I'll admit."

Then another voice pervaded the area.

"Damn right it would be torture, with someone as obviously neutered as you are!"

Tsunade smiled.

Orochimaru glowered. "One liners." He hissed, standing up to face the red-clad man on top of a nearby tower. "JirAIYAAA!"

Which was when Tsunade jumped to her feet, and punched Dan in the face.

* * *

Naruto jumped in with a war cry that went something like: "HYAAAAAAAaaa...uh?"

Jiraiya had gone ahead, made an _awesomecool_ joke, and immediately launched into combat with Orochimaru, who was...here, apparently. Sure. But so was Kabuto, which was weird, and also some other blue haired guy that Tsunade has just _disintegrated_. _(Oh god, I picked a fight with this lady?)_ What looked like paper or dust flew out of him, his lower half flying away as his top half blew into pieces. _Eew._

With no idea what was going on, Naruto sprung into action. Him and the few dozen shadow clones that he'd kept active charged over arches, through buildings and our of windows, each picking a target and homing in. Haku was with him, and immediately flipped over Kabuto, throwing a set of senbon. Kabuto dodged with relative ease, before catching a punch from the Kyuubi host.

"Weren't you in the chunin exams? Why are you here?" Naruto growled.

"I was a spy." Kabuto replied, casually.

"Oooh..." then Naruto twisted and punched, dislocating Kabuto's shoulder. The nasty treacherous bastard kicked him away, before rolling past another few senbon and blurring into close range with Haku, his shoulder mending itself worryingly quickly.

That was when Naruto got some peculiar memories. Of course any shadow clones that went near Orochimaru died almost accidentally (the three Sannin were having a battle Naruto could barely keep track of) but the obviously crippled snake-man seemed to be on the back foot against his two healthy adversaries. Naruto was not expecting to find mister-blue-hair #2 alive after Tsunade's falcon punch, nor destroying his clones with ruthless efficiency. He left Kabuto to Haku, and went in to investigate.

* * *

The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and Orochimaru was having an unexpectedly horrible day. He knew he couldn't beat Tsunade and Jiraiya in his current state, but he shouldn't have _had_ to. He prided himself on his ability to manipulate events to his favour, to the point where even a superior fighting force would find themselves picked apart and shattered. That should have been the case here, but something about that boy with the yellow hair seemed to smash his plans apart with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

So here he was, in a fight he couldn't win.

He sighed, even as he twisted away from a wall shattering punch from Tsunade and opened his mouth to launch his blade towards Jiraiya.

"I gon' shuccosh we coul calc giss ouc?" He tried to ask.

"Stop gargling swords, asshole." Tsunade yelled at him.

"Hehehe, gargling swords." Jiraiya laughed.

 _Oh for fucks sake._

Orochimaru hadn't wanted to do this, but he was in genuine danger here. He jumped back, and landed in a very particular stance.

That was the signal for Kimimaro (much better hidden than the decoy Kabuto had been) to appear from the bushes and enter the fray. A hail of bone bullets forced Jiraiya to put up a mud wall, and Kimimaro jumped over it with ivory blades in his hands, dropping down in front of Tsunade and slashing. Jiraiya turned to help, but was quickly intercepted by a snake that flew at him from the opposite direction. "Eyes on me, Jiraiya." Orochimaru tutted. He saw the surprise in the eyes of his two opponents and grinned, knowing that the Kaguya clan heir had likely been reported dead by Itachi. But Kimimaro was very much alive, and was now engaging Tsunade in a taijutsu brawl. Joined a second later by Kabuto, the two prodigies working together were able to press the female Sannin, leaving Orochimaru alone with Jiraiya. Perfect. Much more manageable. "Do you know how long I've wanted to do this?" Orochimaru told him, drawing his sword from his gullet again.

"We get it, Rochi." Jiraiya panted. "You really want to penetrate me with your sword."

Orochimaru rolled his eyes, and attacked.

* * *

 **One minute earlier**

Naruto came face to face with the blue haired ninja, and grimaced. "Ew. You are _ugly_." He ran forwards and punched. The reanimated ninja let it land, and Naruto's genuinely powerful strike was able to punch a hole through his midriff.

"Oh, hi there." The man said. "Kato Dan. You'll be a Konoha genin then? Always good to see members of the new generation."

Naruto walked backwards, wary, as the wound in Kato's chest repaired itself in seconds.

At a gesture, more shadow clones tried to dogpile the Edo-nin, but he pulled a kunai and dispatched them with relative ease, eyes focusing instead on Naruto's neck. "Oh! Is that Tsunade's necklace?"

"What?" Said Naruto prime, looking down. "Oh, yeah. She bet it on me mastering a really hard technique, and I said that since I was guaranteed to win, _which I am_ , she should leave it with me for the training."

Dan laughed, easily, even as his body moved to continually destroy the shadow clones coming after him. "And I'm sure she was incredibly casual about it, too. What's your name, kid?"

"Uh, Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto."

"Naruto, Tsunade has only given that necklace to two other people. Myself, and her brother. We both _died_ -"

"Oh."

"But the primary reason she gives it out is because she believes the wearer is a true inheritor to the will of fire, and that they're a good example of what she thinks a ninja should be." Dan tilted his head. "I don't suppose you have any dramatic goals for the-"

"Damn right!" Naruto struck a pose. "I'm going to become the Hokage!"

"Perfect." Dan chuckled. "You'll do. Just...don't die."

"I'll try."

"I'm going to try and kill you now. Mind control, you know."

"No, it's cool."

Dan put his hands together. "This is my ridiculously overpowered technique. My spirit flies through the air, controls you and kills you from the inside. Try not to let it hit you."

"You _what_ -"

Then a ghost popped out of Dan's body. "Glad this still works." He mused, before flying straight for a shadow clone. His spirit entered it, and almost immediately it popped. He blinked, shrugged, and beelined for another clone.

Naruto gulped as his entire armed forces was destroyed at lightning speeds. "Haku!" He shouted. "Little help?"

Haku disengaged from his brawl with Kabuto and ran over to Naruto's position, allowing Orochimaru's henchman to go help his boss against Tsunade.

"Demonic ice mirrors!" Haku cried, summoning his signature technique around Dan's ghost...only for it to fly straight through them.

"One day I'll use that and It'll actually work." Haku grimaced.

Dan's spirit quickly changed direction for Haku, who launched a barrage of large ice spikes at his undead body. They all landed, but the corpse just regenerated the holes. (Being invincible removed one of the spirit transfer's only weaknesses; the user's death if their unconscious body was found.)

Haku jumped away, but Dan's ghost was faster, blasting in to possess him.

 _Crap._ Thought Naruto. _Not good. Need a way to restrain his...hey..._ He stretched out his arms.

Dan was less than a metre from Haku when golden chains wrapped around his ghost, halting it in place.

"N-Naruto?" Gasped Haku, looking around Dan's suspended form. The green glow around him dimmed.

"They counter chakra! Right?" Shouted Naruto, heels digging into the grass beneath him. "Figured this would work!" He pulled, and Dan went hurtling, as Naruto spun him in a wide circle and then slammed him into a ruin wall. The impact, combined with the chains' disruptive influence, caused Dan's form to shatter into particles.

His Edo body jerked back into wakefulness with wide eyes. "That's...a first." He remarked.

Naruto summoned some more clones, standing ready beside Haku.

"We're running out of time." The once-missing-nin hissed at him.

Glancing off, Naruto saw that Jiraiya had summoned Gamabunta, and Orochimaru had responded with a snake even bigger than Big Toothy. To Naruto's horror, Jiraiya was losing. Tsunade was trying to get in to help, but her two opponents were trapping her in taijutsu and wouldn't let her intervene.

"Agreed." Naruto growled. "We need to stop Dan and take the pressure off Granny."

Across from them, Dan put a finger to his temple and scratched. "Weird, that technique doesn't seem very effective. But it still counts as trying to kill you, so..." He winked at them, and put his hands back together.

Naruto, struck by inspiration, shuffled behind Haku and grabbed his hands. "Do the ice mirrors."

Haku blushed, suddenly very distracted. "W-what?"

"Ice mirrors. I have a plan. _Now_." Naruto scrunched his eyes up and concentrated. Dan flew free of his body, changing straight for them. Haku, hands interlaced with Naruto's, began charging up his chakra.

Naruto reached deep inside himself. He had been practicing with the chains; and had realised that they were made up with a different type of chakra than normal techniques. They weren't yin, yang, or elemental, so kinda like the Rasengan, but even compared to that they were _different_ on some level he got instinctively but didn't understand. But that meant they weren't a set technique, per se, which meant logically they could have different- _what was the word_ -applications.

So as Dan's form hurtled towards them, Naruto poured his Adamantine Chakra (trademark) into Haku. Haku gasped, but went with it, finishing his ice technique and centring it on Dan. The result?

The ice mirrors fucking _glowed_.

Inlaid with gold filigree, they emitted a healthy golden light, and the gaps between the barriers were criss crossed with further chains.

Dan's spirit slammed into the mirrors and bounced backwards, before launching himself up, down, left and right. He couldn't escape. He was trapped.

"Woo!" Naruto shouted, patting Haku on the shoulder. "Good job!"

"You just...haah..." Haku stumbled, before shaking his head. "I'm good. Now what?"

A few of Naruto's clones moved to reinforce the prison with further chains, while Naruto Prime turned to the larger fight going on to their left. "Now, we make another miracle." He held his arm out. A clone came up, and pointed its own hands towards his.

Haku's eyes widened. "You want to-Naruto, you haven't mastered it yet!"

"Yeah but ya see-"

Naruto flexed his hand. Chakra began to build up. "I'm not a normal ninja, Haku. I'm an _action hero_ ninja. So when I need a dramatic mid-battle power up..." he flashed a smile. "You can bet I'm damn well gonna get one!" The chakra in his hand solidified into a sphere, and he charged forwards.

* * *

Tsunade was so surprised that she almost let herself get impaled. _The little shit actually did it._

The bony one had noticed as well, and was entirely capable of evading the attack of the approaching twelve year old. But Kabuto, while exceedingly talented, was not as experienced with taijutsu as he was with medical ninjutsu, and had made a rookie mistake. He was too caught up in the fight. Feigning desperation, she launched into a reckless flurry against Bony McBoneface, leaving herself completely exposed.

Kabuto grinned, moving in to take advantage-

Then arched his back and howled, as with a cry of "RASENGAN!" Naruto plowed the spinning blue orb into his back.

Left alone with McBoneface, Tsunade was able to quickly dismantle his technique and issue a punch to his stomach that sent him flying backwards a few dozen metres, before biting her finger and putting it to the ground. "Summoning jutsu! Katsuya!"

With a bang, the head slug appeared, just in time to intercept a killing blow from Manda aimed at Gamabunta.

Orochimaru glared at them from atop his perch.

Down on the ground, Tsunade walked back and pulled up Kabuto by the scruff of his neck. He was panting, and bleeding profusely. "Cute self-healing." She remarked. "But I've seen Jiraiya use the Rasengan. It royally fucks up your insides. You won't be able to stabilise yourself without proper equipment...or experienced help."

He glared at her.

She put a fist to his head. "Undo the reanimation and I'll heal you. Or don't; and I blow your brains out."

Orochimaru flopped onto his back on Manda's head. "Oh...you've gotta be kidding me."

Jiraiya, atop Gamabunta, was grinning from ear to ear. "See that!" He pointed down to Tsunade. "Now _that's_ my girl!"

* * *

 **Fight Scenes! Gotta love 'em. Currently uploading this from my phone since wifi is down in my house (wonderful) but here we go.**

 **You may have noticed, but I'm having to up the difficulty for most of the fights in this fic relative to canon. This is both because I keep making him befriend people rather than kill them, and also because my main three are all kinda better than their canon counterparts (except Sasuke, who doesnt have the curse mark.) This isnt because of any 'na-na-nee-na-na my Naruto's better than yours', I just couldn't stand the initial canon incompetence from characters like Naruto and Sakura. Plus, psychologically, they are all better off here.**

 **Next chapter, fallouts, and events come to a head in Konoha.**


	37. Aren't They Supposed To Be Enemies?

**Aren't they supposed to be enemies?**

* * *

A random villager was walking along a path with the day's groceries, when he decided innocuously to look left. There he saw a giant purple snake, a giant red toad, and a giant white slug. The former two had people stood on top of them.

On the ground, a busty lady was threatening a blue haired teenager, while two younger children and a boy dressed all in white watched.

A flaky looking man was stood still as a statue, while a green ghost was trying to escape some blue mirrors and looking a lot like a fly repeatedly bumping against a glass window.

The villager turned away, gulped, and began walking quite briskly back to the village.

* * *

Orochimaru stared at Jiraiya. Jiraiya stared at Tsunade. Tsunade stared at Kabuto, and Kabuto stared at Orochimaru.

No one moved.

"Um." Naruto raised a hand. "Are we gonna do something? Because Kabuto is literally dying."

"He's right." Kabuto admitted. "Master, I-"

"Shut up." Orochimaru held a finger out. "Just..just shut up. I'm in a terrible mood right now." He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Okay...Tsunade I don't suppose there's any chance we're still on for the healing my arms thing?"

"Not unless you agree to submit to Konoha's T&I department." She replied, easily.

"That's a no then." Orochimaru sighed. "Great."

"Yeah." Tsunade sighed as well. "Also I don't actually know how."

"You _what_?"

"You got your _soul_ torn out of your arms and sealed in the belly of the actual Reaper! Reaper with a capital R!" Tsunade laughed. "You think I can fix that? I'm a healer, not the sage of six paths."

"Yo!" Jiraiya shouted. "This is just like that one time with the four cats and the lady from hidden Stone! Remember, when you-"

"Oh my god this _is_ like that!"

"That was hilarious! You were all like-"

"Guys!" Shouted Kabuto. "Still dying!"

"Right, sorry." The three Sannin stopped reminiscing.

"What were the terms again?" Orochimaru asked.

"Your minion releases my dead boyfriend and I save him." Tsunade replied. "And then you all leave us alone."

"That's kinda stingy." Orochimaru chewed on it. "I don't really gain anything out of it, do I?"

"I mean the alternative," Jiraiya pointed out, "is that we kill Kabuto and it's a four vs two against you and captain calcium over here."

"My name's Kimimaro." Said Kimimaro.

"Buddy, I literally do not care." Jiraiya replied.

"The only reason we're offering you the out is because you might still kill one of us, and also we'd probably have to drag Dan to Konoha to seal him away and it would be a super awkward journey." Tsunade finished.

"It's still stingy." Orochimaru pouted. "Don't suppose you have, like, a gift card you could use to sweeten the deal?"

"No..." Tsunade bit her lip. "Oh, actually!" She fished around in her pocket, before pulling out a slip. "You can have this! Ten thousandth customer; fifty percent off on your next shop!" She put it in Kabuto's pocket. Kabuto coughed up some blood.

"Now that's a bit better." Orochimaru smiled. "Kabuto, do the thing."

"Yes, master." Slightly bewildered, Kabuto made a hand seal. "Impure world reincarnation; Release."

Stood nearby, Haku dropped the ice prison, allowing Dan's soul to fly back into his body just as that body began disintegrating.

Tsunade put her hands on Kabuto's back for a few seconds, then unceremoniously dropped him on the floor. "He'll be fine." She said, walking off towards her lover.

Kimimaro darted in and grabbed Kabuto, pulling him away and landing atop Manda with Orochimaru.

"Well, this was a delightful reunion." The snake Sannin addressed the group as a whole. "I think we've all learned a few things, got closer as a team-"

"You murdered a guy." Naruto pointed out.

"Oh Dan's host is technically still alive in there, Tsunade might be able to save him." Orochimaru dismissed. "Anyway, like I said, great fun. We should do it again sometime!"

"Sure thing." Jiraiya smiled and waved. "But next time I will kill you."

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

Orochimaru paused. Then made a hand seal. "No you won't!" And then he and his retinue vanished into smoke.

"Are they fifty, or five?" Naruto remarked to Haku, earning him a snort.

* * *

Off to one side, Dan had used the spirit transfer again to buy himself a few extra seconds, even as ash flaked off his borrowed body.

"This has been...crazy, but a fun break from the pure lands." He admitted.

"Oh so the afterlife's real?" Tsunade checked. "Good to know. What's it like?"

"I...don't know?" Dan scrunched his face up. "I don't think I can tell mortals about it. Weird."

"Always making excuses," she chuckled. Dan joined her, for a few seconds. Then he flew forwards and enveloped her in a hug. She responded in kind.

"So what now?" He asked.

"Now, I suppose I go be Hokage." Tsunade replied, dejectedly. "I lost the damn bet, so I've not got much choice. And I'll probably start practicing medicine again; Haku's told me some horrible things about what happened down in Konoha now I'm gone. They just let the ninja in while they're operating! Pussies..."

"It'll be good for you." Dan agreed, brushing her hair absently. "You need to stop living in the past, Tsunnie."

"I...I let you die." She choked. "I spent my whole life learning medical ninjutsu but when it came down to it-"

"Hey, hey." He interrupted her. "It's okay. You tried your best, did better than anyone else could have. And I got to die in the hands of the woman I love most in the world."

"You...you dumbass..." tears welled up in her eyes.

Dan chuckled. "Come on. Go live your life, woman. Heck, you can have official ex-boyfriend permission to go bang whoever you want. I always thought Jiraiya was a cool enough guy."

"I would bang _Shizune_ before I even _kissed_ Jiraiya."

"Oh I'm sure you would, if that one time I caught you staring in the baths is any indication-"

"I will bring you back to life and _kill_ you-"

"Now that's more like it!" He laughed, floating away as she took a swipe at him. His form began to dissipate and he looked down at himself. "Ah crap, time's up. Guess this is goodbye, gorgeous. Look after those two kids, will ya?"

"Oh no, you are not using your last breath to saddle me with-"

There was a bright flash, and Dan vanished.

There was silence in the field.

"... _Bastard_!"

* * *

Tsunade was able to stabilise Dan's 'host' due to the resurrection being relatively brief, and they were even able to find the second sacrifice who Orochimaru had set aside for Tsunade's brother. (The poor civilian was stuck underground in a coffin with _no_ idea what was going on).

After some explanation and compensation to the village's council (costing the rest of Tsuande's gambling profits, to her chagrin) they all met up with an understandably worried Shizune for a drink and a _serious_ dressing down.

"So you _poisoned Jiraiya_? My Lady of all the unwise, stupid, ridiculous plans I've heard you come up with-"

"Yes, dear, whatever you say." Tsunade closed her eyes and sipped at her drink.

"This has got to be the most...wait, _dear_?"

"Official ex-boyfriend permission." Tsunade replied, leaning over and deliberately falling into Shizune's lap with a smile. "Don't worry about it."

"Bastard's dead and he's _still_ cockblocking me." Jiraiya grumbled into his drink, over Shizune's squawks of indignation and Tsunade's laughter.

"So, how exactly were you able to make the Rasengan?" Haku asked Naruto, sat at the other table eating ramen. "You'd had the idea of using your shadow clones to maintain the shape before, but you couldn't get it to work. What was it you said,"

"The shadow clones all acted great at first, but as the spinning got more chaotic they got out of synch with each other, and me." Naruto explained. "But then, we did the thing where I poured my chakra through you, and I though 'hey, maybe that would work', so I did it with the shadow clones."

"You...pooled your chakra with them?" Haku asked, fascinated.

"Mmhmm!" Naruto agreed, mouth full of noodles. "Turnsh-" he swallowed, "Turns out when that happens we share memories and viewpoints in real time, so they were able to stay in synch while forming it." He smiled stupidly, like he hadn't just come up with a revolutionary new development to increase the effectiveness of a forbidden technique and then immediately utilised it perfectly to access an S-rank ability of incredible power in an unprecedentedly short time scale on his first try like some sort of prodigal shinobi deity. "But it's all thanks to you!"

"Me?" Haku blinked.

"Sure! If we hadn't done that awesome double technique, I'd never have thought of it!"

"I...I'm glad to have helped, Naruto." Haku smiled, mentally promoted the Uzumaki from shining beacon of hope to miraculous savante/force of nature, and helping himself to some ramen.

"Oh yeah, by the way-" Naruto finished his bowl and jumped up on the table. "Hey Tsunade! I beat your challenge! Hah!"

"Yes, you did." The Sannin sighed. "And I'm a woman of my word." She pointed to the crystal on his neck. "You keep that safe, you hear? It's a very important family heirloom."

"Sure thing."

"And it may contain secret Senju powers that show up at convenient moments."

"Quest item, got it."

Jiraiya coughed.

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "And, yes, I'll become the damn Hokage. How much paperwork has the old man left me?"

"Allllll the paperwork."

"Fuck. Hey Shizune-"

"I'll help, but I'm not doing it all for you." The aide huffed, and turned her nose up.

"What if I promised you a reward~"

And now Shizune was blushing. "Are you drunk again?"

"No ma'am! I think. Not yet. Shit, I should work on that, hey Jiraiya-"

The adults devolved into scuffling. The children sat down, and continued eating calmly.

* * *

 _The tomoe in the eye go round and round, round and round, FUCK IM BORED._

Itachi swung his legs in empty space, bored out of his FUCKING mind. WEEKS. WEEKS.

FUCK the Gokei, and FUCK the Kokosora. Could it have KILLED Neji to exercise a little restraint with his super doom technique?

Itachi had tried to get out, strained his Sharingan for hours on end to see through the genjutsu, but there was just...nothing. No holes, no mistakes, nothing Itachi could use to pry a hole in it and escape. Like the Tsukiyomi, subtlety had been thrown out of the window. But while the Tsukiyomi provided a theoretically infinite amount of detail in order to stop you seeing through it, Neji's bullshit hax OP genjutsu was so mind bustingly blank that there was nothing _to_ see through. Itachi had cycled through six different philosophical viewpoints in the last two weeks and nothing had worked.

He let out another groan he couldn't hear and rolled backwards, (not that he could tell, having no sense of gravity or visual reference point) wondering how Sasuke and Hinata were doing.

That was when his reality was rent with a loud crack.

As the only sound he had heard in weeks it set his ears off ringing, and he whirled around in space, trying to see-There!

A fissure ran through a small portion of the fabric of his existence. The jutsu was wearing off.

It was a puny thing, but from it Itachi had a reference point. It gave him an up, and from that directions. It gave him the curvature of the limits of his world, and the radius (of course it was a sphere). It was enough. Itachi grinned, set his Sharingan on the crack, and got to work.

* * *

"This is a joke."

"I'm afraid not."

"Really? An odd coincidence then." Hinata stared Fugaku down. She had been doing that a lot recently. "That an ancient Konoha ninja clan would just happen to appear, and just happen to grant you an extra vote when you need one, all while deciding to remain completely anonymous to the rest of the council."

"You ought to be careful, Lady Hyuuga." He replied, smiling slightly. "Such accusations are quite serious."

"You're quite right." Hinata agreed. "Alright then, consider yourself accused of gross political corruption." He looked shocked for a moment, and she smiled. "What? Obviously I have no evidence so I can't have you thrown out of court, but we all know that it's...what was the phrase?"

"Crock of shit." Sasuke supplied from her right, smiling. "Of course, you could pose a formal challenge for insult to your honour. Go ahead. Drag this farce on for longer."

"That won't be necessary." Fugaku replied, easily, the tension that had pervaded many previous meetings gone from his face. "I would not hold a child to such standards for saying things they do not understand."

Hinata leaned across to Sasuke. "Can I challenge him for insulting _my_ honour?"

He winced. "Acknowledging that insults based on age issue that magnitude of offence would mean you'd have to rescind your statement from three days ago regarding-"

"Right, I remember." Hinata grimaced.

"And unless I am mistaken, the vote on the new Hokage is to be taken tomorrow." Fugaku mentioned, offhandedly, causing all eyes in the council to turn to him.

Hinata refused to let _that_ slide. "Article B subsection 4 clearly states-"

"Subsection 4," Fugaku interrupted, "Is rendered unnecessary by the second Hokage's fourteenth amendment-"

"Which would only take place in the case of a single male heir of-"

"But the questioned legitimacy of the mother of-"

The attention of the council flicked back and forth between the two politicians like they were watching a tennis match.

"Which would invalidate the previous three clauses entirely." Finished Fugaku a few minutes later, smoothly.

"Was that all right?" Hinata checked with Sasuke.

He looked down a list in front of him, muttering. " _and subsection g would counter the_...Yeah, he's right. Crap."

"Excellent, then." Fugaku inclined his head. "The vote will take place. Ladies, Gentlemen, I look forward to hearing your decisions."

He was met with quite a few glares.

* * *

"I can't believe him!" Hinata hissed. "All of the...the lying, the bribery! And he's going to get away with it!"

"If we had a few weeks for inquiries, we could pull most of his arguments apart." Sasuke mumbled, from beside her. "But we don't. The election's tomorrow." The citizens of Konoha largely ignored the two ranting as they walked down the street; it had become a common occurrence.

"The shadow clone reported yesterday that they'd set off home, and Tsunade had agreed." Hinata recited. "But since then he destabilised and popped before he could make another. Understandable for a copy of a copy (to the power of twelve) but now we can't get any further updates. We've wrangled it so that if Tsunade gets here in time she gets the hat, but if it takes her more than another day, we're fucked."

"Easy." Sasuke laid a hand on her shoulder. Swearing from Hinata usually meant the curse mark was getting to her. "There's not much more we can do but wait. Hope Naruto gets his ass moving."

"I hate being helpless." Hinata declared. "It's what _He_ makes me feel."

Then she stopped. Sasuke stopped beside her, worried she'd come to a decision to do something stupid, but she just turned to face in a very particular direction. "Hinata?"

"Did Itachi always twitch in his coma?" She checked, Byakugan trained on the medical building.

Sasuke looked across at her. Then the two jumped for the rooftops.

* * *

 **A whole ass arc. Three to four chapters. You're killing me with this pacing Naruto.**

 **Primary conflict concluded, but secondary conflict is coming to a head. Will our brave adventurers get back to Konoha in time? Will Itachi wake up? Does anyone give a shit I implied Tsunade was bi?**

 **Who knows!**

 **Find out the answers to some of those questions next week on Attack-on-One-Sword-Naruto-Ball-Bleach-Note!**


	38. Aftermath 3: And The Hat Goes To

**Aftermath 3: And The Hat Goes To...**

* * *

The cracks spread. Widened. Splintered. The more he looked, the more he focused on them, the larger they became, and now they crisscrossed the entirety of his prison. He'd started to regain feeling in his extremities, and could taste that gross dryness in his mouth. He was starting to get desperate, for the life of him he could not manage to punch a hole in the egg-looking thing to get out.

That was when he heard it.

"...a...tach...tachi!...Ita-"

His eyes widened. Sasuke. With an almighty roar, he pushed against the technique imprisoning him in his own mind, and it shattered into a million pieces.

He jerked upright, eyes blinking away sleep, and he almost broke the hands that he saw reach for him. But he restrained himself, and rather than an attack, found himself pulled into a crushing hug.

"Itachi!" Shouted Sasuke, holding him in a death grip. "You're back! Oh thank fuck I was so worried-"

"Easy, little brother." Itachi stretched, then extricated himself from his sibling, looking around. Medical room, no shit, and Hinata was sat there watching the reunion with a peculiar expression on her face.

"You've been out for-"

"Three weeks, I know." Itachi stood, wobbled a bit. "What'd I miss?"

"Well, for one thing..." Sasuke pointed his finger to the left. Itachi followed it and groaned.

Izumi gave him a guilty wave.

"You didn't tell me you had a _girlfriend~"_ Sasuke's grin could be _felt_.

"That's because it was a secret." Itachi ground out.

"We couldn't exactly keep it from him forever." Izumi pointed out.

"We could have _tried._ "

"Business, please?" The Hyuuga in the room coughed.

"Yes, right." Itachi looked to her. "The Kage debacle. How's it progressing?"

"Naruto went to get Tsunade, succeeded, is on his way back." Hinata reported. "Fugaku, through gratuitous cheating, is about to be elected Hokage in...twelve minutes, actually. Sasuke refused to leave your side all last night and, well, those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash."

"Oh for..." Itachi grimaced. "Nothing we can do?"

"Me and Hinata have tried everything." Sasuke sighed. "I mean, maybe you could think of-"

"No, I trust you." Itachi waved him off, ignoring the mixed look on his brother's face. "Great. Is Tsunade gonna be here in time?"

"Doesn't look like it." Hinata admitted. "I've sent some owls out and they can't spot anything. Assuming absolute perfect circumstances, she'd have to sprint to make it here in the next quarter of an hour."

"Wonderful." Itachi rolled his shoulders, ignoring the cracks. He looked down at his hospital gown. "At least I have time to go get changed..."

"Wait, what are you planning?" Sasuke asked.

Itachi made a very wry smile. "The last resort, I suppose. Wanna come with? I'm breaking into the Uchiha compound for breakfast and clothes."

"Hell yeah!"

* * *

 **Eleven minutes later**

"Everyone is present?" Fugaku confirmed.

Hinata, glowering, was, as was the rest of the council.

"Excellent." Fugaku smiled. "Now, before we begin, procedure demands I ask that any who have a _legitimate_ " he gave Hinata a hard stare with that one "quarrel, must say so now."

Nobody said anything. Hinata crossed her arms, stubbornly, but didn't have anything else to add. Fugaku smiled wider, and opened his mouth-

"I quarrel." Came a quiet voice from the back of the room.

Fugaku looked up, genuine surprise on his face. "Itachi?"

The eldest Uchiha son walked calmly into the council hall, trying to quell the fast beating of his heart. Facing death was easy. This was harder. "Indeed. Fugaku Uchiha should not be the new Hokage, because he is not the most eligible candidate."

Fugaku sighed. "Son, debates have already been settled on the non-importance of the Lady Tsunade-"

"I'm not talking about her." Itachi replied, squaring his shoulders. "I'm talking about me."

That sent the council into uproar.

"That is preposterous!" Fugaku declared, rage in his eyes.

"How so?" Itachi replied easily. "I'm stronger, faster, younger, wiser, more intelligent and more famous...frankly I'm better than you in every single way. If we must have an Uchiha, let's go with a competent one, shall we?"

"I, for one, fully support this alternative." Called out Hinata over the rising shouting of the council.

"You overstep your boundaries, son." Fugaku snarled.

"No, father." Itachi replied, calmly. "You overstep yours."

The Uchiha elder glared, and slammed the butt of a kunai on the table to get everyone's attention. "Enough of this!" He shouted. "You forget the most important factor, son. You are not the head of the Uchiha clan."

 _Alright, bombshell two._ "Of course, I had forgotten." Itachi smiled easily to hide his internal terror. "Fugaku Uchiha, I challenge you for leadership of the Uchiha clan."

This time, there was just silence.

"I decline." Fugaku dismissed.

"You cannot." Itachi replied, simply.

"In times of peace," Said the father, "A head of a noble clan does not have to consent to a challenge unless it is demanded by a majority vote from within his own clan."

"Unless the accuser declares the challenge to be full stakes." Said the son, "Due to their believing the clan head is mad, or making decisions that will permanently or irreparably damage the clan's sanctitude, honour, or safety."

"But such a claim would make the challenge a battle to the death!" Fugaku spluttered.

"That it would." Remarked Itachi, appearing unconcerned.

Fugaku was speechless.

" _I told you my brother was a badass_." Whispered Sasuke to Hinata, quieter than most could hear.

"You would kill your own father? For power?" Fugaku almost whispered.

"I would do anything to protect the hidden Leaf village." Itachi replied, even as his heart ached. "Short of making it not worth protecting."

Then he stood there, silently. _Step down._ He begged, inside his head. _Just step down. Don't make me do this. I don't want to feel what Neji feels._

"I..." Fugaku's mouth worked. "I..."

It was in that moment, trapped between the Rock-nin and the two-tails (as the saying went) that salvation arrived. It did not arrive as a dashing hero to save the day, nor as a flash of inspiration to provide a secret solution. Rather, it arrived with a massive crash as the door to the council meeting was blown off it's hinges. Walking in after it was a panting, exhausted Senju Tsunade, with Uzumaki Naruto grabbed about the neck and held choking and kicking several feet off the floor. "ALRIGHT!" She shouted at him, murder in her eyes. "WE'RE FUCKING HERE! NOW STOP CALLING ME A SLOW OLD COW OR I WILL TAKE THE TEN MOST SPIKY, MISSHAPEN WEAPONS IN THE SENJU VAULTS AND I'LL SHOVE THEM UP YOUR-"

"Ahem." Hinata coughed politely.

Tsunade paused, and looked around. "Oh, right." She dropped Naruto on the floor. "What's up shitheads. Apparently you all work for me now?"

"I retract my previous challenge." Itachi said, then body flickered out of there right as the shouting started.

* * *

 **Four hours later**

"And this is the office, though I'm sure you already knew that." Kakashi introduced, stepping demurely to the side and letting Tsunade stroll in.

"Kami I fucking hate this room." She sighed, then looked at the table. "Oh, and they left me the paperwork to get started on. Fantastic."

"Quite." Kakashi shuffled closer, body posture not much unlike a child about to ask for something from his parent. "But before you get started, there are a few things of utmost importance you should get to first. Like...who passed the chunin exams, for example."

"I never _saw_ the chunin exams." Tsunade complained, dropping into the chair and rubbing her temples. "How should I know who to promote?"

"Unfair, truly." Kakashi nodded empathically. "Of course...you could always just go with whatever Sarutobi-Sensei said. He made a list before his demise."

"He did?" Tsunade cracked an eye open. "Perfect! Do that."

"Excellent!" Cheerily, Kakashi appeared in front of her with a piece of paper and a pen. "Just sign here and I'll get this taken to the right people as soon as possible."

Tsunade complied, eyeing the four candidate numbers without much interest. "Who are these, anyway? Anyone I would know?"

"Oh I doubt it." Kakashi lied. "Thank you very muuuuch-"

He took the paper, bowed with all proper respect, and bolted. One corridor down he came to a stop, and looked up to where team seven's three faces peered down at him from a displaced ceiling tile.

"Well?" Asked Naruto.

Kakashi let them sweat for a moment, before smiling. "Congratulations, Chunin."

"WOOOOO!"

Kakashi chuckled as they began whooping, cheering and hugging each other, and continued to walk the paperwork towards its intended destination. He could have told them that team seven was officially disbanded, now that they were no longer genin...but he decided to let them have their celebration first.

 _Damn you, Sarutobi. I_ have _gone soft._

* * *

"Sir? Official correspondence from the Leaf, highest security channels. It's for you specifically."

The jonin gulped as a tendril of sand snatched the letter from his hand, before bowing and quickly disappearing. Gaara held his hand out for the sand to deposit it into, and began efficiently opening it. He wasn't sure why he was suddenly being treated with such deference; Suna still technically didn't have a Kazekage. But as the One-tails jinchurikki, and the previous Kage's son, everyone was in agreement he was deserving of at least some respect. He unfolded the letter, and began to read.

 _Dear Sabaku No Gaara,_

 _Genin of Sunagakure,_

 _What's up! It's me, Naruto! I figured it's been a while since we talked, things have been pretty hectic up here. Just thought I should let you know two things, one, we have a Hokage now! It's not me, just some old lady called Tsunade, but I beat her in a bet so I really should have the job. Second thing, guess who's a chunin now? That's right, me! And Sasuke! And Hinata! And also Shikimaru because he's pretty cool too, I guess. Smart, and stuff. Great manga collection. Oh by the way, he really likes the letters Temari sends, especially the ones that come with the pictures he won't show me, so even if he doesn't respond very often that doesn't mean he doesn't care. I think?_

 _Anyway, what're things like in Suna? Hot, probably. Or cold if its night. Sai says he's sorry for hurting Kankuro, even if Haku had to 'persuade' him to. Not sure why Haku used the ' ' things when he said 'persuade' but whatever. Oh, and you gotta let me know how Uzu is! Is he coping with the sand and stuff?_

 _Kyuubi wants me to issue several different death threats to Shukaku, but I think that's just his way of expressing love._

 _I have to go now, since I'm running out of page. See you soon,_

 _Naruto,_ _Sasuke,_ _Hinata, Haku, Saitentenjirai-_

The remainder of the writing devolved into scribbles as Naruto attempted to fit as many names as possible into the bottom corner of the page. Gaara turned over and confirmed that, yes, there was a full extra page he could have used by writing on the back.

And then he started to laugh.

It wasn't a massive laugh, not like the intense guffaws he'd sometimes had that made him feel like his body was breaking and he couldn't breathe. It wasn't _that_ funny. But it was a genuine laugh. It was nice.

"Temari!" He called. "Come and read this!"

* * *

Kimimaro showed no hesitation walking up to and knocking on the door. He had spent some time deliberating whether or not to address the issue, but after deciding, there was no more room for doubts. They would just weigh him down.

"Come in." Said his master's voice.

Kimimaro entered and went to his knees, head low. Even so, he still caught a glimpse of his wounded master's form. _His arms are becoming worse by the day_.

"What is it, Kimimaro?"

"Master...I want to apologise for my performance in previous weeks."

"Oh?" His master's voice had taken on its usual tilt, where he had caught you doing something stupid and was waiting to see how far you'd go with it. Still, Kimimaro pressed on.

"I was defeated by the Uchiha when I should have been by your side, which resulted in your...present condition. I was defeated by the Senju, which allowed her to prevent you from killing Jiraiya, and blackmailing Kabuto. If...If there is anything you might subject me to to increase my effectiveness, I would gladly undergo it."

Nightmare stories were told about some of the experiments his master performed. The curse mark was one of very few techniques that had actually succeeded.

His master laughed, a low chuckle that indicated at least vague amusement. "Oh, Kimimaro, if only such loyalty as yours could be _induced_ , I would have taken Konoha years ago."

There was a pause while his master readjusted in bed. Kimimaro could tell he was in pain.

"Tell me, Kimimaro, what instructions did I give you against Uchiha Itachi?"

"Delay him, and prevent him from interfering while the Sound four set up the barrier." Kimimaro recited. "But master-"

"Itachi is an incredibly powerful and talented ninja, years older than you, and possessing the joint-second most ridiculous dojutsu in existence." His master explained. "To expect you to defeat him in combat at the present time would be incredibly foolhardy. Do you think me a fool, Kimimaro?"

"Of course not, master. I would never." Kimimaro winced, chastised.

"And Tsunade...that woman was once _my_ teammate. It would be remiss of me to disrespect her by implying she was anything less than worthy of the hat she currently wears. You are not Kage strength yet, Kimimaro."

"No, master."

"So. In the former case you were able to suppress a much stronger opponent for long seconds, and survived. There I was only wounded because I underestimated my old Sensei's willpower. Which is, frankly, the only thing about him I should _never_ underestimate. And in the latter case, you and Kabuto were able to stop a taijutsu specialist comparable to _me, using_ taijutsu. In that case we only failed because the Nine-tails boy had an unexpected bloodline limit. You performed exactly as you were expected to, both times. The flaws were in the planning stage, which makes them mine, not yours."

"Thank you, master." Kimimaro bowed lower, then stood, sensing dismissal.

"Before you go." His master's voice stopped him dead in his tracks. "I will warn you now that someday I may order you, not to distract or delay, but to _overcome_ your opponent. Completely and utterly, at all costs. And if you fail me _then_..." Kimimaro could feel his master's smile. " _Then_ I will be forced to reevaluate your usefulness."

"I won't let that happen, master." Kimimaro vowed. _I would rather die._

"Excellent." Came the hissed response. "Now, gather the sound four. I think we've allowed our two projects in leaf to marinate for long enough. It's time to make them the offer."

* * *

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in." Tsunade said, not looking up from her paperwork.

The man that walked in had half his face covered by bandages, as well as one of his arms. "Yes?" She hurried him, paying him half a mind as she tried to sort out the mess that was her village's finances.

"My name is Shimura Danzo." The man began. "And may I congratulate you on your promotion."

"Hn."

He began pacing. "In the past I worked very closely with your predecessor, for who's loss you have my condolences. It was my hope that we, too, could have a mutually beneficial relationship. There are many things that I-"

"I'm sorry, who the fuck are you again?"

He blinked. "Um. Shimura Danzo-"

"Great, don't care."

"You...but I-"

Tsunade looked up and gave him a death stare. "Sensei told me about you. Apparently you're just a massive dickhead. Get the fuck out of my office."

Danzo blinked. "I...very well." He left hurriedly, closing the door behind him.

* * *

"This is such an honour!" Gushed the old man, for about the fifteenth time. "To be opening up the Hyuuga vaults...do you know how long it has been?"

"About six years, by now." Hinata remarked. Her birthday had been last week. "I'm quite aware of the timescale, sir."

"Uh, yes, you would." He coughed. "But still, an auspicious occasion! Congratulations on your promotion."

"Let's just get this over with." Hinata sighed.

Almost as soon as her new seniority had been officiated, she had began knocking on doors and demanding to know who she had to talk to to get her damn vaults open. The amount of utter nonsense she'd had to go through in the last two months just to access them had left her entirely impatient. _I've heard father talk about some of the techniques the old Hyuuga masters were capable of. They better be worth all this._

Fortunately, the old curators, traditionalists and lorekeepers were just as keen as she was to get them open.

And here she was, walking alongside Old McBoring through some cold corridors underneath her own compound. "Is this it?" She asked, gesturing to the door in front of them. It was, to all appearances, made entirely of stone.

"Oh no, this is just the primary door." The old man chuckled, fishing a key from his belt. "Us organisers hold access through here, though this key will be given to you after today. No, the main obstacle is the door just _past_ this one." He fit the key into the lock in the door and turned it, with a dramatic clunk. "That door resembles nothing but a simple curtain, but is heavily enchanted with sealing jutsu. It would take a tailed beast to force it's way in, and none could possibly break the encryption, except of course the blood of a live, willing main branch member. Not even the Hyuuga elders are-um _-were_ aware of how the seals were originally made."

The only reason Hinata didn't snap at the man for talking so much was because his words reassured her. Unbreakable, he said. Inaccessible to anyone but her. There was no way, _no way_ , anyone else had been in here.

Thank fuck.

The old man attempted to push the stone door open, winced, then put his shoulder to it. It still didn't budge.

Hinata sighed, put one hand to the door and shifted her hips. It opened.

"Thank you." He coughed, embarrassed. "Now, through here..." he walked ahead of her, holding high a lantern. "Behold, child. The sacred paper door of...eh?"

Hinata froze.

 _No. It's impossible._

She shoved him aside, walking forwards to get a good look. Her heart skipped a beat.

 _The universe does not care what you believe to be impossible._ Neji's words rung in her head.

In front of her was a paper curtain. Not a curtain carefully covered in a myriad of unbreakable seals, designed to repel all thieves or attackers. Just a curtain. One with a hole ripped in the middle.

Slowly, Hinata walked forwards, leaving her stuttering guide behind her, and stepped through the aperture. In her mind, more memories began appearing. A palm being placed on Sasuke's neck, and immediately dismantling whatever complicated mechanisms were within Orochimaru's cursemark.

A pale forehead, completely missing the Caged Bird Seal.

Before Hinata was exactly what she would expect from an ancient vault; a few musty bookshelves with musty scrolls on them, a few weapons on racks that probably held significant significance, a sparring ring.

But pinned by two kunai to a wall in front of her was the piece of paper torn from the doorway. On it was written: ' _Congratulations, cousin! Good luck going forwards!_ '

Hinata collapsed to her knees.

And she screamed.

* * *

 **Ah, the sweet smell of my characters suffering. Yes, after all this I decided to give them Chunin rank. They certainly deserved it, not that it's going to do them much good.**

 **Neji has gone where Neji should not go, and Hinata is getting real sick of him doing that. Next chapter...well come on. You all know what's about to happen.**


	39. Hinata Is Fine

**Hinata Is Fine**

* * *

 **~Five Years Before Graduation**

Hinata was boooooooored.

She straightened out the dress she was wearing with a huff and looked around.

Some great big hall in central Konoha, and it was filled with people. Old people. Therein lied the problem.

Big important peace treaty between Leaf and the Lightning place that daddy- _Father_ , had been shouting about for weeks. This was a 'party' in celebration of it, but it wasn't a _real_ party. Almost everyone there was an adult, and the depressing kind of adult who'd been fighting wars their whole life and didn't know how to laugh anymore. There was the guy with the cool moustache who ran the lightning people, the Hokage (who at least smiled at her when he saw her) her father, some other clan heads...exactly the kind of people who didn't care at all about her. Most had been introduced to her, said exactly what they had been expected to say, she had said exactly what she had been expected to say back, and that was that.

She had spotted that Sasuke boy from the Uchiha who was her age and tried to go talk to him, but a sharp glare from her father had quickly put a stop to that. So here she was. Bored.

She wondered if Naruto was having more fun than her.

"Dull, isn't it?" Someone remarked, from her left.

She turned to see a youngish looking man smiling benignly down at her.

"Shinobi-sama." She curtsied. "I...uh..."

"Its fine." He chuckled. "The drudgery of politics is just as much a bore to us adults, I assure you. We simply aren't supposed to say so."

He chuckled, and Hinata giggled along with him. He seemed nice enough. "Are you...?"

"I am the head representative for Lightning." He told her, and smiled when he saw her brief panic. "Don't worry. We're allies now, are we not? I see no reason why we can't be friends."

Hinata thought about it, and nodded. "Friends. My name is Hyuuga Hinata."

"Hinata." He repeated, shaking her hand. "If I may say, my dear, you have beautiful eyes."

There was a ruffle of clothing, and suddenly a hand was laid protectively on her shoulder.

"Shinobi-sama." Came a very sharp voice from behind her. "I see you have taken an interest in my cousin."

Hinata's heart soared even as the adult blinked and stepped backwards, body language suddenly very worried. "Ah. You would be Neji, then. I was only-"

"Talking, I'm sure." Hyuuga Neji casually positioned himself between the man and Hinata. Only a few years into double digits and no higher than five feet tall, he still managed to look intimidating as he stared down the representative. "It's good to see such willingness to foster relations. Still, it would be good to try and avoid doing anything inappropriate, don't you think?"

"Quite." The man nodded quickly. "I'll take my leave then." He quickly scampered away.

"Neji!" Hinata huffed as her cousin turned to face her. "You scared him off!"

"Mmhmm." Neji nodded. "I didn't trust him. He had a suspicious beard."

Hinata couldn't help but laugh, and he repositioned behind her with his hands on her shoulders, looking out over the hall.

"What are we even here for?" Hinata asked him, glad she had someone she could talk to without any silly manners nonsense. "The war finished when I was _three_."

"It did." Neji replied. "But Lightning and us still don't get along. We've had a lot of little fights over the last few years."

"Didn't you say some of those were your fault?" She poked him.

"Some of them." Neji replied. "In our defence, we did have a lot of important things to do at the time. Turns out there's a guy on living on the moon."

"Ugh. Fine." She smiled, but then looked out again and sighed.

"Tired?" Neji checked.

"Very." Hinata attempted.

"Oh, not tired. Bored out of your skull?"

"...yeah." She sulked.

Neji chuckled. "Understandable. Uncle demands I stay and be rightfully apologetic to all the people I've annoyed over the last few years, and you're the clan head's daughter so you have to stay and look cute...aha! I know."

He led her on a sweeping wander through the hall, at one point taking her behind a pillar. When they emerged on the other side, there was one Neji, and two Hinatas.

"Cousin!" She hissed, worriedly. "Daddy will notice!"

"But the Lightning reps won't," her doppleganger told her, smiling a very un-Hinata like smile, "and he won't be able to say anything until they've all left. I'll take the blame, don't worry. Quick, retreat to the compound before someone notices! Ninja escape!"

Giggling, she did as she was told, hurrying towards one of the exits as Neji and presumably-also-Neji began mingling like nothing had happened. The nice Lightning man from earlier held the door open for her, and she smiled, thinking nothing of it.

It was only halfway home when strong arms grabbed her, a bag came over her head, and a knife went to her throat.

* * *

 **Present Day**

Hinata trained.

Her palms flew through the air, striking at nonexistent targets as she flew through kata after kata, desperately trying to lose herself in the strenuous physical activity.

She wasn't sure how long she had been training.

Her Byakugan spotted Kakashi approaching, and she scowled, but didn't stop. She was training in the woods rather than her compound _specifically so_ people wouldn't bother her. But there wasn't much she could do. He was stronger than her, after all, and power was all that mattered.

Kakashi stopped and leaned against a tree nearby, apparently content not to interrupt her. "Based on what we've seen, all your inheritance is still in place." He said. She didn't respond, so he continued. "Strangely, most of the scrolls have been scribbled on with hints, tips and assorted sass. Itachi came in to check and confirmed that it was, and I quote, 'definitely Neji, the sarcastic ass'."

Hinata tensed a little, but kept working.

"This adds to evidence we've previously collected suggesting that he has a jutsu capable of dismantling sealing techniques." Kakashi told her. "This 'Hiragekoma' he used against Sasuke. We think it's how he was able to remove his caged bird seal without dying."

"I worked that much out for myself, thank you." Hinata replied, politely, before continuing to practice.

There were a long few minutes where Kakashi stood there, watching her.

"May I ask you a personal question?" He said, eventually.

"You may." She acquiesced.

"Are you planning to do something incredibly stupid?"

Hinata stopped. "Like what?"

"I don't know." Kakashi replied. "But you have a look that I've only seen on...six people before you. Three of them I had to hunt down and assassinate. Two are in prison."

"The sixth?" Hinata asked, curious despite herself.

"The sixth." Kakashi continued, reluctantly. "Was a girl named Rin. Which isn't a story I want to get into."

Hinata nodded, and turned away.

"If there is anything you want to know, or you think I can help with, you're free to ask." Kakashi told her, in a voice a little too controlled for his usual apathy.

"You're not my Sensei anymore." She replied.

"No." He admitted. "But I have a lot of experience, and I do still care."

She thought about it. "Did you know Neji?"

"Professionally." Kakashi told her. "I recall I did a small mission with him and Itachi, once. Competent, efficient, intelligent."

"And he was stronger than I was? By this age?" She wanted to hear it.

Kakashi tilted his head. "By your age, Neji had already killed the entire Hyuuga clan."

There wasn't much else to say.

Hinata breathed in and asked the real question. "Is there anything in Konoha I can learn that he doesn't already know?"

Kakashi was silent. She turned to face him.

His body language was tense enough that she could see it without the Byakugan; eyes narrowed, fists clenched.

"Pedantically, of course yes." He told her. "But answering in the spirit of the question...no. The eight inner gates are perhaps the only combat technique you possess that he doesn't, he was never particularly robust, and those you can train on your own. But that doesn't mean you should leave."

Hinata didn't respond to that, turning away.

She saw him with the Byakugan becoming gradually more agitated with her non-response, before he eventually broke out into "Hinata-"

"What would you have me do?" She rounded on him. "Sit here in Konoha, ~trying my hardest,~ and watch him pull further and further away from me? Or just give my vengeance up as a pipe dream and relax? Play around and be happy with my teammates?" She shook. "I'd rather die, Sensei!"

"And if you continue like this you may die anyhow!" Kakashi shouted.

It was such a surprise to hear that tone from him Hinata actually stepped back, eyes wide.

Kakashi sighed, and took a deep breath. "Neji is alone, Hinata. And that _matters_. Many people will scoff at the power of 'friendship' or 'family', but it's one of the only strong motivators that doesn't tear you apart. If there's one thing you do have that Neji doesn't, then that's it."

"My family is dead, Sensei." She reminded him.

"Your old family, perhaps."

"You dare-"

"I am not blind, Hinata. Those boys care for you, as they care for each other; don't insult my intelligence by telling me you don't feel the same." He turned around, and began to leave the clearing. "I'm going to be away on a mission for the next few days, so you're free to do what you want. But know that there are plenty of worse places for you than Konoha. If you betrayed us for hidden Mist or Lightning in the hopes of some harsher training and nasty killing techniques, you'd just find yourself in the exact same situation as Neji, but weaker. Or perhaps you could hunt down a tailed beast to possess, and find yourself assassinated. Simple fact is that if you follow in his footsteps, you're never going to beat him."

With that, Kakashi vanished.

* * *

"Um, Naruto?" Hinata blocked a few punches. "Can...can I ask you a hypothetical?"

"A what?"

"A question about something that...isn't really happening, but might link to real world stuff."

"Oh, okay. Shoot." Naruto continued punching.

Getting Naruto alone was a piece of cake, all she had to do was offer a spar with 'no tenketsu cheating, I swear' and he had jumped at the chance to meet her alone on the rooftop. Washing fluttered on long strings as the two danced around each other, blocking and striking and dodging. The rhythm was comforting; the two were well used to each other's fighting styles, and it left Hinata free to think how best to phrase her questioning.

"Lets say you were...in a race. A marathon. And there's a person you're racing against. But the trick is that the moment you overtake them, you win."

"Kay, listening." Naruto replied, sweeping at her feet.

"But the problem is." Hinata continued, stepping over his leg. "He had a head start, and he's already a good distance ahead of you. How do you catch up?"

"Well, you gotta run faster than him, right?" Naruto answered, looking unsure if this was a trick.

"Obviously." She reassured, cringing at how he smiled at getting the right answer. "But what if he's too fast? What if you're running as fast as you can? Your legs are burning, you can barely breathe, you're in pain, and you're still not catching up?"

"Uh..." That one clearly had him stumped. Naruto's default response was always 'try harder, get stronger' but with that option cut off by definition...

"You...cheat? I don't think _I_ would, but that's a pretty ninja thing to do, right?"

"But if you cheat, you might get caught." Hinata replied. "And what if the only way to cheat, all your friends know about it? What if cheating would make everybody upset with you?"

"Then you don't cheat." Naruto shrugged, a difficult movement while mid-combat. "It doesn't sound worth it to win some stupid race."

"But what if there's a reason for you to win the race?" Hinata pressed, pushing her attack harder. "What if it's a race you can't afford to lose? What if you'll be disappointed in yourself if you fail?"

"There's no honour in winning because you cheated." Naruto scoffed, then stumbled as Hinata's onslaught increased.

"But it isn't about honour!" She shouted, tripping and shoving him. "It's about justice! It's about that...that gaping hole inside that I'll fall into if I admit to letting him go!"

"Um-"

Hinata grabbed him by the lapels. "But that's the thing!" She second guessed herself, knowing she must have a hysterical look on her face. "Now there's something else! Now I have you, and Sasuke, and Kakashi, and I _care_ , and now I'm afraid that I'll fall into the hole if I let you go! So what the _fuck_ am I supposed to do?"

She panted, out of breath, and began trying to get control of herself again. Somewhere along the line she had ended up practically on top of Naruto, keeping him off the floor by the scruff of his neck.

At some point, his face had gotten serious. "Seems to me." He said, eventually. "You're not thinking crazy enough."

"E-Excuse me?"

"You think you have to win, but you can't win without cheating, and if you cheat you disappoint your friends, but you can't disappoint your friends." Naruto summarised. "You get both wins by breaking one of those middle two facts."

"I already told you, it's im-" Hinata paused. Then, at a whisper, "the universe doesn't care what we think is impossible."

Naruto grinned. "That's the spirit! So. You either win without cheating, which you don't think you can-"

"Or I find a way to cheat without betraying everyone." Hinata thought aloud.

She paused, looked down, blushed, and dropped him.

"Thank you, Naruto. You've given me a lot to think about."

She jumped off the roof and away, leaving a very confused Uzumaki alone with the fluttering clothes.

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay to fly?"

"I'm sure I'm sure!" Kudos shot back. "I've been sure for the last two weeks!"

Athena reached forwards and smoothed down his feathers, again. "I know, son. But Naga is a big summon, your father once got into a fight with him and-"

"Big Toothy wasn't that big. Or toothy." Kudos replied, huffing. "Besides, I desummoned the moment he got hold of me."

"Big too-is this more of what the humans are telling you?" Athena gave him a suspicious look. "You should always be respectful when-"

"Referring to other sage creatures, I know; but he was eating me!"

"Just...be careful." Athena sighed.

"Yes, granny."

" _Athena_."

"Yes, granny Athena." He dodged her playful peck with a laugh, hopping over to the edge of the current planetoid. Letting himself fall over the edge, for the first time in a month he let his wings spread, waiting for the wind to catch them just right so he could-

There was a poof of smoke, and he unceremoniously flopped onto wooden floor.

"That...went better in my head." He stood up, shook himself, and turned around. "Oh, mistress Hinata! Wassup!"

"Hey, Kudos. Glad to see you're alright."

His mistress looked...sad. Or was it just tired? There were visible bags under her pale eyes.

"Yeah, I'm good." He flapped his wings experimentally. "A quick trip in a snake's mouth is nothing for a summon with as much raw, untamed power as me!"

"Well, that's good to hear." Hinata smiled, and looked down. "Kudos...your people are known for their wisdom, correct?"

"Uh-huh!" He nodded. "All the oldies always go 'we attempt to curtail our natural irrationality' but I think they're just trying to be modest."

"I'm glad to hear it." Hinata played with her hands, which Kudos had been told was a human sign of nervousness. "Kudos, could you put me in contact with one of the senior owls?"

"Sure thing, why?"

"I have a plan I'd like to sound out with them. It's...just a little bit crazy."

* * *

 **That night**

Konoha was a piece of cake to infiltrate. Tayuya snickered to herself as she bypassed the civilian (civilian!) police and made her way through the hidden village. Where the hell were the Uchiha police that Leaf was so proud of? Well, apparently, after the Hokage debacle her master had caused, Tsunade had had all the high end ninja working on missions to pay for repairs and prove to the world that Konoha was still 'in business'. Which allowed the sound five to enter without any issues. Tayuya, Jirobo, and Kimimaro made their way silently towards the main goal; a large compound relatively central in the village.

To Tayuyua's surprise, Kimimaro had them all drop to the ground, and walk into the compound at a perfectly normal pace.

"Best to make a good impression." He answered her unspoken question. "She knows we're coming."

As in most things, Kimimaro was proven right. Hinata was not fast asleep in her room. She was sat, perfectly relaxed, at a table in her living room.

"Good evening." She greeted them, with a smile. "Tea?"

* * *

Kidomaru, Sakon and Ukon split off towards the secondary objective. This building was much closer to the village's outskirts.

"Sure he won't be in his compound?" Sakon asked. "This doesn't seem like the place for a clan heir."

"Intel says he's in a pretty rough spot with his family, and the Hyuuga's not in the best of places." Kidomaru explained. "Meaning the only place for him to go is...oh, here we go."

They landed on the roof. After a moment, Uchiha Sasuke walked calmly out a window, up a wall, and onto the roof with them. "'Sup." He said, boredly. "I'd invite you in, but Naruto's still asleep. Need something?"

* * *

"Yes please." Kimimaro replied, acting like this was the most normal thing in the world.

Jirobo and Tayuya exchanged glances, shrugged, and moved to sit down next to him.

"I assume from your curse marks you're all Orochimaru's henchmen." Hinata began, pouring for them. "Delightful little thing, by the way, it's been very useful. I'll have to thank him when I meet him."

"I'm sure you will get that opportunity." Kimimaro replied, easily. "Our master has an offer for you."

"Is that so?" Hinata picked up her own cup. "I'm curious to know what he thinks I want."

"Let me guess..." Tayuya spoke up, grinning. "Hyuuga Neji's head. On a platter."

Hinata sighed. "Awfully unimaginative of you. If all Orochimaru can offer me is an assassination, then I think this meeting is over."

"Please ignore my subordinate." Kimimaro gave Tayuya a glare ladened with killing intent, and she dropped her head immediately. "Our master is quite understanding. You don't just want Neji to die, you want to be the one to kill him."

"So...?" Hinata eyed him.

"You want power." Kimimaro continued. "Orochimaru is willing to provide."

"There we go." She put down her cup and leaned forwards slightly. "Which leaves me curious as to what Orochimaru wants in return."

"Neji's Byakugan has stifled Orochimaru's attempts to kill him before. If you succeeded, it would be very helpful. Of course, he would expect your service for the duration of your training." Kimimaro replied, honestly.

Hinata paused and sized up the trio. "Where are your friends?" She asked, changing the subject. "The two (well, technically three, what a strange bloodline limit the second has) that split off in the other direction?"

Kaguya couldn't help but gulp. _No wonder master wants those eyes so badly._

"They pursue a secondary objective." Kimimaro answered her. "We are making a similar offer to your teammate, the Uchiha."

Hinata rolled her eyes. "Perfect. You may consider your two teammates dead and the alarm raised; we are running out of time."

Tayuya snorted. "He couldn't-"

"Uchiha Sasuke has a fighting chance against _me_." Hinata interrupted, standing. "But he does not have motive to betray this cesspit of a village. So. I provisionally agree to your master's offer, and if you will excuse me, I need to loot my own vault. Meet you outside in ninety seconds?"

* * *

Kidomaru held the innocuous tablet out with a smile. "This here is what we call the mind awakening pill."

"Uh-huh." Replied a skeptical Sasuke. "What does it do? Last time someone tried to sell me a 'mind awakening pill' it was LSD."

"Not quite." Kidomaru chuckled. "This is the first of many things Orochimaru can offer you. Taking this pill will evolve your cursemark, allowing it to access its second stage, granting incredible additional power." He spread his hands. "We're both examples, but it would hardly be in the spirit of cooperation to activate them here, right?"

"Right." Sasuke drawled. "It's certainty a compelling gift..." As Kidomaru inclined his head, Sasuke continued, "But there's three things you didn't account for. First," He tugged his pyjama shirt down at one side.

Kidomaru blinked. "Where is your-"

"Gone. Neji did it." Sasuke shrugged. "I'll thank him later. Second, I have no motivation whatsoever to betray the Leaf, (why would you even think that), and third, NARUTO! Yeah he's awake."

The sound pair (trio) weren't so blindsided as not to react, but they were quickly surrounded by a few dozen Naruto leaping up to each side of the roof.

"Shit." Sakon summarised.

"Shit." Sasuke confirmed. "Naruto you sent a clone to the Hokage's office, right?"

"Shouting real loudly, yeah." One of the Naruto replied, grinning. "Hey, do you two wanna surrender or are we doing this the hard way?"

Kidomaru grimaced. The first stage of his curse mark was already active, but he doubted it would be enough for the Uchiha scion. His brain frantically looked for a way to even the odds, and it found one. Fixing a smile on his face, he said "Aww, but if you take the time to bring us down, you might not have the time to save your friend~"

"What now?" Sasuke replied, obviously trying hard to sound unconcerned.

"Little miss Hyuuga." Kidomaru drew out each syllable, watching Sasuke's eyes widen. "My teammates are over at her house now, making the same offer. I wonder what she'll say...Oh, and those mind awakening pills I mentioned? They literally iyou to upgrade the curse mark. Don't worry, she'll come back. Probably. Ten percent of the time, they survive..."

Sasuke glared. "Naruto, take them." He jumped off the roof, heading straight for the Hyuuga residence.

Two versus one, and the Uzumaki would never use the Kyuubi in his own village. Check and mate. Kidomaru grinned, looking across at Sakon and Ukon. "Call the kid's bluff. With this many shadow clones, there's no way they have the chakra to do anything seri-"

With a flash, over twenty of the clones launched golden glowing chains from their arms.

 _Shit._

The Sound ninja made evasive manoeuvres, but the chains crisscrosses the entire rooftop, wrapping both up. _Sealing chains? Like the new redhead Master brought in_?

Quickly reappraising the threat, Kidomaru poured more chakra into his seal.

Tapping into his spider physiology, he secreted a second skin that hardened into his armour of sticky gold. The sealing chains' effect was dimmed, and he was able to snap the ones restraining him.

"Sorry, punk." He laughed. "But my 'armour of sticky gold' is physical, not made of chakra. Your chains can't suppress it!"

"What is it with Sound ninja and explaining their gimmicks to me!" The Kyuubi shouted, exasperated. Across from him Sakon and Ukon had found their own solution, splitting into two to slither out of the chains' grip.

The twins were the key. Kidomaru was good for long range and single targets, but the twins were taijutsu monsters, and if anyone was going to successfully tear through a small army of shadow clones, it would be them.

Until, of course, there was a flash of light, and both twins were hidden within a hexagon of flat ice. A cute girl hopped up on the top.

"Haku?" The Kyuubi shouted. "Where did you come from?"

"I heard your screaming clone." Haku replied. "Also I was kinda watching you while you slept."

"Huh."

"Yeah...hold on, let me deal with these two." She dropped back down, and there was screaming from within the ice.

Kidomaru took a moment to try and understand where things had gone so wrong.

Then he activated CM2.

His form grew, his skin turned red, and four of his six arms grabbed a chain each and pulled, throwing several blond midgets off balance and into each other.

The remaining two arms drew his mammoth of a bow taught, as he did his patented weird-regurgitation-thing to materialise up an arrow from his gullet.

There was a chorus of "eeew!"s.

He took aim, not at one of the clones, but at the ice mirror. His bow's five hundred pound draw weight (plus curse mark bullshit) meant his arrow would smash right through the mirror and free his compatriots, ideally to then make as fast a getaway as possible.

Which was when, in the ice's reflective surface, he saw a pair of shadow clones ram a glowing blue sphere into his abdomen.

* * *

"Listen kid. Kakashi'll've taught you how to plan and strategise, which is all well and good, but always remember: If in doubt, make a bunch of shadow clones, wrap 'em up in chakra chains, and hit 'em with a rasengan."

 _-Jiraiya of the Sannin, to Uzumaki Naruto_

* * *

Hinata held the pill up to the moonlight. An innocuous little thing. Her Byakugan didn't do chemistry; she knew only that it didn't contain any unusual chakra signatures. "A coma? Well if you were lying to me, you could certainly have chosen something more inviting."

"It's the only way to awaken the final level of the curse mark." Kimimaro explained. "If you'd prefer, we could make our escape first, then-"

"No." Hinata shook her head. "We do it now." If she was doing this, there couldn't be any half measures. She could see Sasuke now, sprinting up from behind her.

Had Neji stood like this, once? Was this the first step following in his footsteps? Or was it the first step to undoing what he had wrought, righting his wrong the only way she knew how?

In the end, such deliberations didn't matter. She was out of time. And she had made her choice.

Her mouth opened.

* * *

 _Faster._

Sasuke sprinted, leaping from rooftop to rooftop faster than he had even in that one training exercise with Gai, Lee and the fifty pound weights.

Hyuuga Hinata was many things. Intelligent, driven, talented, objectively beautiful. But on top of all that she was completely bat-shit Crazy.

Exactly crazy enough to try this.

He had opened up his Sharingan ahead of time, and as he jumped clean over the gate to the Hyuuga compound, he knew he was already too late. There they stood, in the front garden. Three unknown ninja he immediately memorised the faces of, wearing familiar Sound headbands. And a girl with short, navy blue hair and a thick, fur lined white jacket. Her eyes, white with no visible irises, flicked up to look at him. She smiled, briefly. Then she put the pill she was holding up to her mouth, and swallowed.

And Sasuke watched Hinata die.

"HINATA!" He screamed, absolutely fucking sick of his teammates doing this, desperately running towards her even as her legs buckled and she collapsed towards the floor. The big ninja got in the way and Sasuke slid between his legs, then booted the girl in the face as she made to grab him, _why the hell were his eyes hurting the Sharingan didn't have anymore evolutions-_

The white haired one roadblocked him, and no combination of frenzied taijutsu could break his defence and let Sasuke through, and then the fat one had grabbed his leg and slammed him to the ground. He twisted free of the grip, caught a punch from the girl, swept, missed, swept again and caught her then jumped to handspring over fattie's head _get to Hinata-_

The white haired one pulled his leg back, and snapped it out. Then Sasuke knew no more.

* * *

 **And here we go. I wonder if anyone can see ahead of time what I'm pulling here?**

 **You'll notice that I've done a little more timeline meddling and moved the date of the Hyuuga affair forwards a few years, so I can have Neji's presence change things around.**

 **In the present, Hinata's come to a decision, and the rest of team seven is wondering what the hell is up with her. Where do we go from here?**

 **Well buckle up because we're going there hella fast.**


	40. Good Pacing Is For Pussies

**Good Pacing is for Pussies, here's the whole Sasuke Retrieval Arc, Fuck You**

* * *

Sasuke woke up with a startled gasp.

"Oh good, you're up." Said what was probably a Naruto shadow clone from next to him. Was he in hospital? Ah whatever.

"Hinata." He began.

"Taken." Naruto replied. "The Sound-nin ran off with her."

"Then what are we waiting here for?" Sasuke asked, already getting out of bed.

"Now you're up, nothing. Hokage's office, five minutes."

The clone popped.

Sasuke made it in three.

* * *

 **~5 Years Before Graduation**

"Don't. Scream. Provided you want to live." A man's voice uttered.

Hinata squeaked, and held her tongue.

She felt her hands tied behind her back, and she was unceremoniously picked up and slung over the man's shoulder.

He took off running, running like a ninja, and she had no idea who he was or where they were going, and there were tears coming out of her eyes _oh Kami someone please help me-_

Her kidnapper slid to a stop, and she heard someone else drop in front of them.

"You got one?" One voice said.

"Got one. She left the party alone. Dumb bitch even left a doppelgänger in her place, they won't know she's missing for a while."

Hinata sobbed.

"Which one did you get?"

"Hiashi's eldest, like I told you."

"Sure she's the best choice?"

"It's only her and her sister who don't have the caged bird seal, and the younger isn't even three yet so she's well protected. This is our best shot."

"Hn. Good enough. A few days travel and we'll be back in Lightning, a few minutes surgery and we'll have her eyes out, and a few hours with T&I and she'll never try and escape."

"Heh. And after that it's only a few years before she's old enough to make us more."

Hinata choked. Her body was shaking, she couldn't even bring herself to struggle. T _his shouldn't be happening, not in Konoha, surely someone would come?_

"Come on." The other's voice said. "Two minutes until the gap in the wall's watch, I'll take her and-" his voice cut off suddenly, with a gargle. Hinata heard something slump to the floor.

Her carrier tensed, turning rapidly. "Who was that? Show yourself!"

"Put Hinata down, and you may live." Came a calm voice, seemingly from all directions at once.

She recognised it immediately. "NEJI!" She screamed. "NEJI HELP-"

"Shut up." a knife came back to her throat. Her kidnapper was breathing heavily. He shouted out into the night, "Whoever the fuck you are, you come out now! Or I'll slit her throat!"

"I can see your brain through your skull." Neji's voice replied. It was the voice of someone trying very hard to remain calm. "I can throw a kunai before you can react and kill you in such a way that you don't even spasm. Put her down, or die."

"Like hell you will." There was a wild edge to her captor's voice. "You end my life this soon after that treaty gets signed? The whole of Lightning will be out for your head, and Konoha will have to hand it to us."

There was a long silence. Hinata felt her hopes plummet.

Then there was a quiet squelching noise. The knife fell away from her throat, and Hinata found herself plucked from the man's grip. There was another thud.

"You underestimate what I will sacrifice for my family." Neji intoned, calmly.

Hinata slumped into his arms, as he lifted her back a few steps and sat her down. A few seconds later there was a snap as her hands were freed, and then the bag was lifted up from her head.

If she'd had any strength in her limbs left, she'd have lost it upon seeing the two forms slumped on the floor in front of her, blood pooling around them.

She retched.

"Hey, hey, easy, look at me, look at me." Neji tilted her chin up, so her white eyes met his. "Are you alright?"

"I..." Hinata shook her head, "you _killed_ him."

Neji nodded, slowly.

"But-" Neji was a ninja. Neji killed people. That hadn't really sunk in until now. "But the treaty-"

"Fuck the treaty." Neji snarled. "First job is keeping you safe."

He looked up, and sighed.

They were on a rooftop, Hinata realised, dimly, just as there was a blur and another man appeared on the roof next to them. She thought it was her father for a moment, but a muffled "dad." From Neji expelled that idea quickly.

"Uncle Hizashi!" She shouted. "Quick, the Lightning ninja, they-"

"Died." Hizashi interrupted, gravely. "And I'm afraid the rest is immaterial."

"I'm sorry. I-they were going to-" Neji was shaking, with rage or fear Hinata couldn't tell. "The Yamanaka. We could-"

" _What is the meaning of this_?" Hinata scrambled backwards, as the _Raikage_ appeared on the roof, then the Hokage, then half a dozen other ninja. Neji crouched protectively in front of her as all the new arrivals took in the grisly scene.

"They tried to kidnap me!" Hinata shouted to them. "They said they would-"

"Outrageous!" The Raikage silenced her. "You have the nerve to make such accusations while stood over the _bodies_ of my ninja? How-"

"Miss Hinata is a child, and is not the responsible party here." The Hokage's voice was cool, and still managed to cut across the much larger man's tirade. His lined face turned to Neji. "Jonin. Would you care to explain what happened?"

Neji winced and prepared to open his mouth, but his father beat him to it.

"Neji did not kill these men." Hizashi said, sorrowfully. "I did."

* * *

 **Present Day but three minutes later**

"Send Itachi." Sasuke said, bursting through the door.

"Can't. He's bedridden." Tsunade didn't even look up.

"He wasn't-"

"After leaving the council room yesterday he promptly collapsed. That's what a week in a coma will do to you. Anyone else I'd say would be out of action for another week, so Itachi will take another day or so at least. Time we don't have."

Sasuke, panting for breath, took the time to actually look around. In the room with him was the Hokage, the two ANBU he could see, the ANBU he couldn't, Naruto, Shikimaru, and the guy with six arms from last night tied up in one corner.

"Oh hey, asshole." Sasuke glared.

"Pal you do not scare me as much as she does right now." The Sound ninja nodded towards Tsunade.

"Speak when spoken to, Kidomaru." The Hokage reprimanded. "Now, since we're all here, we can get going."

"Finally." Naruto remarked, through gritted teeth. His eyes were red, but Sasuke wasn't in the mood to try and calm him down.

"Sasuke." Tsunade addressed him. "Report."

"I left Naruto to track down Hinata, worrying that she was also under attack by the Sound forces." Sasuke recited dutifully. "My suspicions were proved correct. Three other Sound ninja were there with her: a redhead female, a fat ginger male and a white haired male. All young, late teens at most. The former two I could have handled, the latter was more difficult. He knocked me unconscious."

"Matches the description of the person Itachi fought during the chunin exams. Kimimaro." Tsunade mused. "Apparently capable of bone manipulation, some sort of bloodline limit."

Naruto continued the report. "Once me and Haku wrapped up with our two, I sent some clones off to back up Sasuke. They found him KOd with no sign of Hinata or the others."

"She took a mind awakening pill." Sasuke explained, grimacing. His eye bled a little. He ignored it, then looked at their captive. "Has he explained what they do?"

Kidomaru started chuckling, but was silenced by a look from Tsunade. "Yeah. He's been very forthcoming."

"You said you knew how to heal me, then sat there watching me bleed out." Kidomaru deadpanned.

"The remaining three Sound-nin all possess a second form, granting them several times their usual power." Tsunade ignored him completely. "Ten times, in the case of Kimimaro. And in the case of Hinata, apparently." She looked at Naruto and Sasuke. "Do I take from this that she has betrayed us?"

" _No_." The two boys echoed, then they looked at each other.

"Hinata's a good person." Naruto insisted. "And we were just talking yesterday about what she wanted. This isn't it. She's probably just tricking them for power, then she'll double cross them and come back."

"She's crazy." Sasuke allowed. "But betraying the village is what Neji did. She'd never let herself become like him."

Tsunade gave them both searching stares, but neither backed down. She sighed. "Very well. Present operating intel is that Hyuuga Hinata has been captured by rogue forces. Thanks to Kidomaru here, we know where she's being taken. I'm authorising a retrieval mission," she pointed, "And you three are going."

"We are?" Three slightly different tones of the same question from Naruto, Sasuke, and Shikimaru.

"Jirobo and Tayuya are relative in power to these two, so I know you can deal with them. More in depth dissections will be handed to you at the gate, as well as directions." Tsunade told them. "While I'd ordinarily send a jonin with their own squad, all the high level ninja are out on missions, show of competence after my recent election. The remaining ANBU and Uchiha police are needed in defence of the village. As much as I hate to say it, you're the most likely out of the few chunin we have left to pull a combat mission like this off. Plus the most likely to get Hinata to come back. Kami knows it worked on me...As chunin you're now qualified to do missions in command of genin squads. Is there anyone you want to take with you?"

"Choji, Ino." Shikimaru replied, immediately.

"Granted. You two?"

"Haku?"

"Not technically a ninja, so I can't."

Naruto pouted.

"Is Lee out of hospital yet?" Sasuke offered.

Tsunade nodded.

"Gimme."

"Done." She stared hard at each of them individually. "I promoted you all because I believed you were prepared for responsibilities like this. Was I wrong?"

"No, Hokage-sama." They chorused.

"Then get it done. You have ten minutes to get out of the village. Go."

They went.

"I thought she only promoted us because old man Hiruzen said so?" Naruto asked Sasuke on his way out.

"Rule six of powerful ninja." Sasuke sighed. "They love acting dumber than they really are."

* * *

"Hey, do you think maybe we should go to Konoha?" Temari offered, looking up from stroking Uzu.

"Why?" Remarked Kankuro, fiddling with a puppet.

"I don't know. Maybe they'll need help with fights or something."

"That's dumb." Kankuro replied. "How would we even get there on short notice? We're the old Kage's kids, we can't just leave without an escort. It's not like we have any reason to go, and if we went and someone was in trouble, they'd never send us to help. We just attacked their village."

"Yeah, fair enough. Don't know what I was thinking."

They went back to what they were doing.

* * *

 **Hours later**

"Why is this thing so damn heavy?" Jirobo growled.

"You're not so light yourself." Tayuya shot across, angrily.

"Yeah, but you don't have to _carry_ me!"

It was, Tayuya admitted, a heavy looking box. A black-purple cylindrical container about a metre in diameter, with a young girl slumped somewhere inside.

"Enough." Kimimaro silenced them. "They're catching up."

"They what-" Tayuya and Jirobo both turned round. In the distance behind them, there were orange dots amongst the trees.

"Shit." Tayuya snarled. "D'you think it was Kidomaru or the twins who told them our route?"

"Unimportant." Kimimaro stopped them getting into another argument. "Jirobo. You possess a technique that will let you trap them, yes?"

"Yeah." Jirobo nodded.

"Good." Kimimaro nodded. "Use it. We'll continue the mission. You slow them down, then regroup with us."

Tayuya frowned. "Hold on, does that mean I-"

" _I_ will carry the casket." Kimimaro snarled.

* * *

Six ninja blurred through the woods.

"Shadow clones have caught sight of them!" Called Naruto to his allies. "Hey, Sasuke doesn't this remind you of something? Chasing an enemy through the woods, slowly bearing down on them..."

"We chased Gaara literally under three weeks ago." Sasuke shot back. "You shouldn't be reminiscing!"

"Course, you were a bit less useful back then." Naruto continued, oblivious. "Legless, and all."

"I wasn't-"

"Clones have popped!" Naruto interrupted, eyes widening. "Two, three-crap, all of them! Bullets or something!"

In front of them, the trees abruptly ended, as they fell into a clearing that looked like it had been cleared deliberately about ten seconds earlier (which it had).

The Hinata retrieval team landed in a power ranger pose on the ground.

On the other end of the clearing was the fat one. Jirobo, according to their notes. He grinned when he saw them, and slapped his palms to the ground.

"Stop him!" Shouted Sasuke, already blitzing forwards, but he was too late. A dome of earth rose up to encompass the group, catching Sasuke's flying kick with minimal effort. Almost immediately all daylight was cut off from the group.

Sasuke helpfully called upon some fire release chakra and lit up a flame in his palm.

"Showoff." Choji huffed.

"He's so talented~" Ino swooned.

Sasuke ignored both. "Naruto?"

"On it." The blond summoned a shadow clone, and they cupped each other's hands. Blue energy coalesced.

"Rasengan!" He declared when the spinning ball had formed, running forwards and slamming it into the mud wall.

It drilled through with ease...then fell apart, leaving a small hole that quickly repaired itself.

"Impressive." Ino drawled.

"I swear this doesn't usually happen." Naruto blinked and shook his hand in confusion.

"That's what they all say." The kunoichi sighed.

"Hey, does anyone else feel that?" Shikimaru offered, in what Sasuke knew had to be a really big hint. Sharingan active, ( _stop fucking bleeding dammit_ ) he scanned their prison.

"Yeah, I feel it." Ino shuddered a little. "It's tiring."

"I can see it." Sasuke added. "He's still putting his power into it. It's...draining our chakra. No more rasengan, Naruto, it'll just drain you faster."

"Oh no," bemoaned Shikimaru, boredly, "if only we had someone with really high destructive potential who didn't need to use chakra."

Everyone turned their heads.

Rock Lee's eyes were glinting.

"Sasuke! You have already shown us your fire. But allow me to demonstrate my fire. The fires..."

* * *

 **Five seconds earlier**

Jirobo grinned. This was infinitely better than carrying the coffin. All he had to do was sit and wait for-

The entire dome exploded, chunks of stone flying everywhere and revealing the a glowing boy with a stupid haircut screaming "OF MY YOUTH!"

Jirobo stared.

"Aight let's go go go!" The Kyuubi yelled, and just like that five of the genin had blown right past Jirobo. He glowered at his one remaining opponent. _If I can't stop them, the least I can do is put this loser into the dirt and go after them._

He was put off from his usual reckless assault, however, by his foe's appearance. The boy's skin had gone red, his eyes white, and his hair was straight up like a fucking super saiyan. This wasn't some chakra technique, that wouldn't have broken the dome. This kid was dangerous.

"YOSH!" The Konoha shinobi declared. "I AM LEE! TODAY WILL BE MY DRAMATIC RETURN TO FULL DUTY AFTER MY DEFEAT DURING THE CHUNIN EXAMS, AS I DEFEAT YOU IN DEFENSE OF MY FRIENDS! COME, FACE ME! THIRD GATE...OPEN!"

Jirobo gulped, as the maelstrom around the boy increased. He channeled more power into his cursemark, feeling his body grow and his skin turn red. "Alright then, mister dramatic return...I AM JIROBO OF THE HIDDEN SOUND! COME AT ME!"

The following battle could be accurately described as two kids with superhuman strength beating the shit out of each other.

* * *

Tayuya looked behind herself, impulsively, before continuing to follow Kimimaro, who had sped up significantly now they had lost Jirobo.

Then she blinked, and looked again. "Oh you've got to be kidding me..." she coughed. "Uh, Kimimaro?"

"What." He deadpanned, from beneath the coffin.

"They're after us again."

"Oh for-" Kimimaro's head whipped round. There was...one less ninja approaching.

"Perfect." Kimimaro adjusted the coffin. "Tayuya. You know what to do."

"But-" she gulped. "Wouldn't it be best for us to work together against them?"

"It would have been better for you and Jirobo to team up." Kimimaro replied. "Which I would have advised, if I'd known he would fail so utterly alone. The same is not true of us. You would only get in my way."

She shivered.

"As it stands, the best case scenario is for you to entangle as many as you can, deal with them, and come back while I kill the others. Go."

"Right." She grimaced. Picking a suitable tree, she drew her flute, and began to play.

* * *

"Genjutsu!" Sasuke called out, seeing the chakra weaving through the air. "It's the redhead!"

"Use wind release!" Naruto advised. "It really screws with Sound genjutsu, I've done it before!"

"None of us _have_ wind release!" Countered Choji.

Sasuke sighed. "Well we can't exactly rely on someone from hidden Sand showing up out of nowhere. Me and Naruto can take this one, if you want to-"

"No." Shikimaru held his hand out. "We'll stop her. You two go ahead."

Naruto looked at him. "You sure? We could just-"

"Our mission is to retrieve Hinata." Shikimaru replied, with a wry smile. "Hinata needs you two. Go. Ino-Shika-Cho can handle this."

There were some whoops from the Nara's teammates.

"Aww look, a sane and fully functional team. I'm tearing up." Sasuke remarked.

Then Tayuya was right in front of them.

"Buffeting wind!" Led Naruto, launching a gale through the woods that caused a massive racket and ruined whatever melody Tayuya was playing at the time. She had summoned three massive white golem things, two of which were disoriented by the attack, but one managed to take a swipe at the two teammates trying to get past it. The punch was blocked by a massive spherical, Choji-resembling projectile. "Kick their asses, Naruto!" Shouted the Akimichi.

"I'll buy you dinner later!" The Uzumaki shot back with a smile, continuing on his way.

Team Asuma all landed next to each other, facing their threat.

Tayuya flicked some hair out of her face and glared at them. "You three have caught me in a nasty mood."

She began playing her flute again, and the golems came back to life, bearing down on them. Ino and Choji tensed, but Shikimaru just laughed easily. "You know, your teammate Kidomaru spilled all sorts of beans on how the mighty 'sound four' work. Seems to me that you're a serious threat as a group, but kinda hopeless alone. So you should probably surrender."

Black marks began to drift across Tayuya's body. "Interesting theory." She grinned over at them. "Fancy testing it?"

Shikimaru sighed. "Such a drag...well, if I have to." He turned backwards. "Guys; blossoming lotus formation. Let's show her what teamwork really looks like."

* * *

The trees parted before Kimimaro, and he made a strong jump to get as far as he could into the clearing before him. A wide circle of plain grass interrupting the otherwise perfect tree cover; rumoured to be where a stray tailed beast bomb had landed during the nine tails' attack on Konoha.

It was also a sign that he was close; a kilometre or so north of here was the valley of the End, and a bit further north than that was Orochimaru's present location. Unfortunately, he was out of time.

Deciding it was a good a place as any to finally kill his pursuers, Kimimaro sighed, stopped, and planted the heavy coffin in the grass. It was starting to take in smoke, which was bad, Kami knows what the girl would do if she woke up and found him bisecting her teammates. Speaking of whom, the Uchiha and the Kyuubi had both just jumped down into the grassy arena after him, and seeing his stillness, were approaching slowly.

He drew a bone blade from within his sleeve, and awaited them.

He'd expected a speech.

"Give Hinata back." Said Naruto.

"No." Replied Kimimaro.

"Well, looks like diplomacy has failed." Naruto shrugged his shoulders.

"A shame." Sasuke agreed. "Let's sick him."

They started running.

Kimimaro fell into stance, awaiting them.

And then everyone stopped.

Behind Kimimaro, the box lay still, all previous ethereal glowing had stopped. All that could be heard was a rhythmic tapping from begin.

It fell into a regular tempo, rapping on the top of the box from the inside. It paused. There was a breath.

Then, muffled, "some-"

And the coffin exploded- "BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME-" Hyuuga Hinata burst from the top of the box, leaping into the air and shouting at the top of her lungs.

Then everyone started moving very fast.

* * *

 **Everyone loves cliffhanger endings. Especially authors. No, I don't intend to go too far into the side characters' fights, I doubt you're in much suspense as to who will win. The most important issue is that the Sand Siblings aren't showing up to save the day. Don't know why they did in the original, but they aren't here.**

 **Also, more flashbacks! We all love those.**

 **Next week...nah I ain't tellin you shit.**


	41. In My Way 1

**In My Way #1**

* * *

 **~Five Years Before Graduation**

There was a loud whipcrack.

It echoed throughout the Hyuuga great hall, and Hinata (stood demurely to the side with her hands clasped before her) couldn't help but flinch away at the sound. She needn't have worried, however. She was not the source of attention at that moment.

Hyuuga Neji's cheek was bright red from the chakra enhanced slap, but he did not avert his gaze.

"Do you have any idea what you have _done_?" Hyuuga Hiashi spat in his nephew's face.

Neji worked his jaw. "I saved my cousin-"

" _Wrong answer_!" Hiashi slapped him again, and again Hinata flinched. "Try again."

"Fine then." Neji's fists tightened at his sides. "I killed my father."

"You KILLED MY BROTHER!" Hiashi bellowed. Hinata had never seen him this angry; his face was red, his shoulders were shaking, and his eye bored into Neji's. The branch child refused to look away.

"I wasn't aware there was a difference-"

"You believe now is the time for _jokes_?"

"If we are discussing _jokes_ ," Neji snarled back, "then let us discuss a treaty that allowed Lightning to kidnap a clan heir from central Konoha with no repercussions-"

Hiashi struck him again. "A treaty only necessary because of _your_ reckless missions, traipsing carelessly across foreign territory! A condition that would never have seen the light of day had you not seen fit to send Hinata running across the city unguarded! You thought yourself so witty, freeing my daughter from the party knowing I could not intervene without looking a fool. And now look what has come of your arrogance!"

"I _saved_ Hinata!"

" _But you doomed Hizashi!_ "

Hiashi moved to slap Neji again, but the twelve year old caught the man's palm on his own.

"I did not ask my father to die for me." He hissed.

"No." Hiashi snorted with derision. "You just made him _love_ you. You made him _care_. So that when he died it was not defending the village, defending the clan, it was to protect _you_. A branch child with no future, no possible lineage and no one left to love him."

Neji glared. "Well perhaps. If you cared so _fucking_ much for your dear brother, then you should have plucked that last eye out and DIED IN HIS STEAD!"

Hiashi stood there silently for a moment. Hinata didn't dare to breathe.

Then, slowly, her father reached up to his left eye and pulled off the medical patch covering it.

His empty socket stared out at the boy in front of him.

"I lost this eye in the swamps of Hidden Mist, in the third Great War." Hiashi said, quietly. "I was on the battlefield because my brother was captured and there were no other units willing to try and save him. The elders would have called me a fool, but I would happily have died to ensure his safely." His fist tightened around the eyepatch. "Unless I'm mistaken, you were responsible for that incident too, weren't you? He was captured supporting _your_ mission."

Neji clenched his eyes shut.

"Shall I tell you what _is_ funny?" Hiashi continued. "You are so desperate to protect those you care about, yet every time you intervene you only make the situation worse. And when you _finally_ had the chance to die for your family, _finally_ do the one thing the branch clan is supposed to, you found that you didn't have the _nerve_ to do it."

Hinata didn't see Neji snap, but one moment he was stood there shaking and the next there was a whoosh of air and he collided with Hiashi. The two ninja met in a flurry of palms and elbows far too fast for Hinata to follow. After a moment, Neji was forced backwards by the sheer rage in his uncle's technique, and Hiashi had time to weave a select set of hand seals. "Caged Bird: Clipped wings." He intoned.

The seal on Neji's forehead began to glow a sickly green and he howled, putting his hands to his forehead and collapsing to his knees. Hiashi stood there, hands in position and gaze hard, as Neji _writhed_ on the floor.

Hinata's hands clenched in front of her. She wasn't supposed to move, was supposed to stand there like a good girl and wait until she was addressed. But then she looked up.

Neji was _looking_ at her.

"STOP IT!" She shouted, forcing her eyes closed. "Just _stop_ it, _please_ daddy..."

There was another moment, and then the hum of chakra let up, and Neji stopped screaming.

Hinata opened one eye, almost too scared to look, but regretted it when she realised Hiashi was not done. The elder Hyuuga stalked towards his nephew, and hauled him up by the front of his uniform. "Eight trigrams." He pronounced. "One hundred and twenty eight palms."

"NO!" Hinata screamed, but Hiashi didn't stop, pummelling Neji's defenceless body with palm strikes until he collapsed, helpless, to the floor.

Hinata doubted she'd be able to activate her Byakugan, but she didn't need to, she knew off by heart what that technique did to a person. She made to move forwards, but her father held a hand out to stop her. "Don't." He knelt down next to Neji. "If you have any pride, you will lay down and die here. If you survive, then I never want to see your face again."

With that, he turned and walked away. "Leave him, Hinata." He declared, on the way out. "He isn't worth your time."

The door slammed.

And Hinata was moving.

Heedless of her father's commands, heedless of the fact that half the compound could probably see what she was doing, she ran over and fell to her knees next to her cousin; placing her hands firmly on his chest.

"W...w..?" Neji couldn't get the question out, and Hinata knew he couldn't see, but she didn't really care she was too busy concentrating.

 _Pool the chakra in your stomach, centre of chi, then spread it outwards, bring it to your hands, don't sharpen it don't sharpen it_ -

Weakly, her hands began to glow green.

Neji's breathing deepened.

The simple act of transferring chakra was one of the most basic techniques any ninja learned, and one of the only things Hinata _had_ learned; she'd only just started learning ninjutsu and she was probably doing it all wrong but she didn't care she just had to _keep_ _going_.

Slowly, never once noticing the strange white marks spreading across his face, Hinata saved Neji's life.

After a few weeks, she would come to conclude it was the worst mistake she'd ever made.

* * *

 **Present Day**

"I AINT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! SHE WAS LOOKING KINDA DUMB WITH HER-"

Sasuke and Naruto darted towards their teammate, and Kimimaro intercepted, catching Sasuke's arm and delivering a swift strike to his abdomen, then pivoting to throw out a kick in front of Naruto and knock him backwards, before launching a flurry of strikes back at Sasuke to push him away.

Then Hinata landed.

"Is it bad to say I actually quite like that song?" She smiled, pulling her hair out of her face.

"Hey, earth to Hinata?" Naruto spoke really slowly. "I. Am. Na-ru-to. This. Is. Sa-su-"

"I know who you are." She deadpanned.

"Oh, that's good." He smiled. "Hey, fancy helping us beat up this creepy pale dude?"

Hinata paused.

Kimimaro looked across at her. She met his eyes. He had no idea if this was going to work, but, "head north from here, past the valley of the End. Kabuto's waiting to escort you."

"Hinata." Sasuke warned.

The girl looked across the faces of both her teammates, and sighed.

Then she took of running.

"Shit-"

Sasuke and Naruto immediately rushed after her, but Kimimaro put himself between them again.

"No." He reiterated, palming his bone weapons.

Across from him, the Uchiha 'tch'd. "Naruto." He said, sideways. "Go after her. I'll deal with this loser."

The Uzumaki looked at his teammate in shock. "Sasuke, you can't-"

"My brother trounced this guy in like ten seconds." Sasuke flashed a smile sideways. "He can't be that hard."

"But-"

"Go." The dark haired boy reiterated. "Hinata needs you. Frankly, you're probably the only one who can get through to her. And besides that, I have a bone to pick with him for kicking me in the head."

"Hehe, bone." Naruto grimaced. "You better not take too long kicking this guy's ass, you hear me?"

Then he took off running, giving Kimimaro a wide berth.

Kimimaro let him go. He had a feeling he would be having enough trouble with the foe in front of him.

* * *

Sasuke took in a deep breath, and mentally congratulated himself on how completely suicidal he was being. "Teammates, am I right? Can't take them anywhere."

"Tell me about it." Agreed his opponent, with an eye roll. "I had to listen to Tayuya and Jirobo bickering the whole way here."

"Gotta love them, though."

"I suppose."

Sasuke chuckled, letting his posture sag for a moment. Then he straightened, and looked up.

"My name is Sasuke, of the Uchiha clan. Off in that direction are two of the most important people in my life, and I won't allow anyone to stand in my way."

The white haired boy, who couldn't be much older than sixteen, readied his blades. "My name is Kimimaro, formerly of the Kaguya clan. My master demands that I facilitate the lady Hinata's extraction to his location, and I won't allow anyone to pass me."

"Then it seems," Sasuke drawled. "That we are at an impasse." He drew Raito.

Step one: attempt a genjutsu.

But Kimimaro's eyes were firmly on his centre mass, and without eye contact Sasuke knew he wasn't strong enough to land anything the Sound ninja wouldn't detect.

So, step two: hit it until it dies.

"Shadow clone jutsu!" He called, trying not to stagger at feeling his chakra suddenly dip down to a quarter ( _how does Naruto do this so casually-_ ) before running with the three other him's at Kimimaro, swords drawn.

"Willow dance." Declared Kimimaro, calmly making one step forwards and swinging.

The fight devolved into chaos. Sasuke, Sharingan active, could keep track of the proceedings perfectly, but he was surprised to find Kimimaro was also having _zero_ trouble. He had grown bones from both palms and knees, and was soundly countering every slash Sasuke made towards him. It became immediately apparent that this guy was _good_. Very good. Even outnumbered four to one he was able to easily manipulate their respective positions so that he was never fighting more than two Sasuke at a time, and while he was on the defensive, it seemed that he was more keen on analysing Sasuke's technique than anything else. The Uchiha was quickly reminded that he'd only learned the basics of kenjutsu a couple months ago, and there was a certain moment where Kimimaro realised the same thing. Sasuke _knew_ he had realised it because the Sound-nin shifted to vicious attacking, immediately popping one of the clones and putting the other three on the defensive with ease.

Sasuke continued to give ground, a dark look on his face as another clone popped, leaving him and his final duplicate alone against the swirling bones.

"You are outmatched." Kimimaro told him. "I will attempt to spare your life."

"Sounds suspicious." Sasuke grit out, "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Lady Hyuuga would prefer it if you were spared."

"Aww, how nice of her. But go fuck yourself."

"Very well."

Kimimaro moved in. He grabbed the last clone's sword from it and buried it in it's chest, dispelling it immediately, before lunging towards his real opponent.

Sasuke jumped forwards over the leg sweep, twisting into a vertical spin that would have split Kimimaro along the spinal cord if he hadn't dodged gracefully to one side. Then as Sasuke was landing, not facing his opponent, Kimimaro turned silently and thrust his palm bone towards Sasuke's back.

It was a strike that would have been completely impossible to block...

 _CLANG_

...unless you could predict what they were going to do. Sasuke turned with a smile, three-tomoe eyes glinting. See, there was one thing Kimimaro had failed to account for:

The Sharingan was broken as fuck.

Sasuke spun in place and severed the bone that had just stabbed towards him, grabbing it in his off-hand like it was a regular kunai, then swept his sword forwards. Kimimaro parried, then reposted, but Sasuke was gone, continuing to press his offensive.

Suddenly, Kimimaro was on the back foot again, the barest hints of surprise showing in his face.

Sasuke had been overjoyed that Kimimaro had wanted to observe his technique, because it had given him time to do the same.

He'd done it using eye-hax that let him scan Kimimaro's entire fighting style, (multiplied by four due to shadow clones), but it still counted.

Sasuke, without even needing to think about it, had a comprehensive model of his opponent's technique that was refined and tested every time an action was taken. He knew what Kimimaro was going to do before he did it; as long as it was physically possible for Sasuke to succeed, Sasuke was _going_ to succeed, and lo and behold he was succeeding.

He began to understand, just a little bit, why the second Hokage had tried to shove all the Uchiha into one corner of the village.

He ducked under another bladed kick and threw his stolen bone-dagger, forcing Kimimaro into an acrobatic manoeuvre to both pull his foot back and catch the projectile. That movement became even more acrobatic when he saw the explosive tag attached to the bone ( _that's what happens when you don't watch my eyes, asshole,_ ) and attempted to throw it back. It detonated in the air between them, and the smoke finally allowed Sasuke to complete the great fireball hand seals without Kimimaro seeing them.

He was an experienced ninja, of course, so quickly jumped away to escape the blind spot from the explosion, but he jumped left. Just like Sasuke had predicted, based on his final movements.

Kimimaro was wreathed in fire.

 _Well, that was easier than I anticipated_. Sasuke kept up the fire for another five seconds before stopping.

What was remaining was a burned patch of grass aesthetically resembling the Uchiha clan symbol, and in the centre a- _oh come on_.

"How are you still alive?" Sasuke deadpanned.

"I created a bone exoskeleton around my body." Kimimaro replied. "Your brother attempted a similar technique, with similar success." His skin had taken on a reflective sheen and was a paler white than before, though now there were black markings indicative of a cursemark being active. Sasuke noticed with amusement that it was the same shapes as his own curse mark, then noticed much more soberly that he didn't _have_ his anymore, and also what had happened last time Hinata had turned her's on. Kimimaro's hair and clothing had been mostly burned off, though his unmentionables were still barely covered.

"How does that even work?" Sasuke asked. "Bone is rigid. It's on top of your skin, right? What even are your joints?"

"It's ninjutsu. It doesn't have to make sense." Kimimaro deadpanned right back. "Also, that genjutsu attempt just now was pathetic."

"Touché." Sasuke shrugged. Then he looked again and snorted. "Your hair's all burned off. You look like a marble covered in eyeliner."

Kimimaro's eyes narrowed. "Camellia dance."

A bone grew out from his hand, and he viciously snapped it off, wielding it in one hand and _oh shit different fighting style_.

Sasuke put his hands together, then was forced to jump sideways and interrupt himself as a hail of white bullets tore apart his previous location; bone shards fired from Kimimaro's left hand. Then they were suddenly in melee range, and Sasuke was desperately blocking the really fast strikes from his opponent.

Now he was fighting someone with a zero-cooldown ranged attack and a _stick_.

Oh, and legs, which he realised when a roundhouse caught him in the ribs and propelled him backwards through the air. Coughing up blood, Sasuke righted himself and poured some lightning release chakra into Raito, swinging it midair to launch a wave of electricity towards Kimimaro...who dodged it. Typical.

Sasuke landed and immediately rolled, bringing his sword up to cut at a few more incoming projectiles, in one case flattening the blade and punting a bullet up into the air, before Kimimaro was back on top of him. The curse mark's influence continued to be completely overpowered, and Sasuke found himself being battered backwards repeatedly, eventually unable to stop a knee to the stomach and falling to the ground.

He attempted another genjutsu.

"Stop that." Kimimaro glared, and dispelled it, and brought down his blade for a killing blow. Sasuke started making hand seals.

Kimimaro presumably thought it was a bluff; there was nothing in Sasuke's line of sight after all, why would he be using the substitution technique? But there was a single bullet, falling down from the sky, that was about to enter Sasuke's vision right...

Kimimaro's blade came within a millimetre of his skin when he finished the technique. He vanished in a puff of smoke, the bone stabbed into the grass next to a small white bullet, and Sasuke twisted in midair, falling down to embed his blade in Kimimaro's back.

"Larch dance." Declared the Sound ninja, boredly.

Sasuke reacted a split second after the spines grew from every spot on Kimimaro's body, barely managing to avoid impalement in multiple locations, instead forced to twist into a landing that still got him cut across the face, stomach and leg.

He froze.

"Not bad." Kimimaro remarked, before spinning in place.

Sasuke jumped away and back-pedalled as Kimimaro turned into a whirlwind of pain, coming to a stop only when Sasuke was a solid fifty feet away from him.

The sound ninja ejected all the bones from his body, and turned to give Sasuke another blank look.

"I know this is kinda rich coming from me." Sasuke bit out. "But your powers are bullshit."

"Surrender." Kimimaro stared. "You will only be rendered unconscious."

"Aww, come on." Sasuke fell into a sprinter's pose. "One more try."

Kimimaro remained still.

"Phoenix fire jutsu!" Sasuke declared, beginning his sprint with a hail of flak meant to disorient and pressure.

Kimimaro let most of the small fireballs fly harmlessly by him, catching those that were on target with arms and knees with no visible pain. Undeterred, Sasuke drew Raito, charging with it pointed straight towards Kimimaro's heart. The Sound-nin looked straight into his eyes, unflinchingly. Then, when Sasuke was right on top of him, moving far too fast to stop, he moved. Again uttering "Larch Dance." He let the spines grow out from his body to stab deep into flesh and bone.

* * *

If there was one thing Itachi had taught Sasuke, it was that genjutsu was an insidious thing. Seriously, it was an _ass_. The weirdest part was that with the exception of a few techniques that 'I'll tell you about when you're older', every single genjutsu was completely dispellable. Easily, in fact, for any ninja worth their salt, even Sharingan genjutsu. The simple trick was noticing it was there in the first place. Sensory types were better at catching the attacker's chakra latching onto them, but the rest of the ninja are trained to notice when the world they're perceiving changes from reality. Making someone see flashing colours may be a great distraction, but it's not subtle, and it's the sort of thing Kimimaro would halt almost without thinking about it.

Had, in fact. Thrice.

No, the real reason Genjutsu was often vaunted as the most difficult and most deadly of the ninja arts were when it was used for little things. An idea planted in the back of the mind you might never have thought of otherwise. A branch looking a little longer and sturdier than it really was. A voice calling your name, to make you avert your eyes for a brief, crucial moment.

Such things won wars.

Of course Kimimaro was well trained, and even Genjutsu like that he might have caught if he was focusing.

But with all his attention on timing the execution of his opponent, and having just seen and shattered a much larger, sloppier illusion, he didn't notice the innocuous little trick Sasuke had slid underneath.

A genjutsu that made Sasuke seem a teensy bit faster than he really was.

So instead of unleashing his spikes to skewer Sasuke right as he reached him, Kimimaro became a human pincushion when the Uchiha was two steps away.

Which allowed Sasuke to adjust his body position, dart in between the bones, and run him through with his sword.

* * *

Kimimaro's eyes widened in genuine surprise, and Sasuke wasted no time grabbing Raito with both hands and yanking it up and out, carving a gash up through Kimimaro's shoulder and scrambling backwards.

Kimimaro lunged desperately after him, swinging wildly, but was quickly forced to one knee.

Sasuke carefully controlled his gag reflex, there was blood _everywhere_. He had missed the heart, barely, but a brief review of all the organs upwards of chest-centre left him wondering how the hell Kimimaro was still alive.

He was considering whether a great fireball now would cauterise the wound or be the final nail in the coffin, when he heard a low chuckling from the Sound-nin. "Very impressive." Wheezed Kimimaro. "You are strong. I understand now why my master considered you."

 _Remember, Sasuke._ Itachi had once said. _When a seemingly downed opponent starts complementing you and/or laughing maniacally, it's time to start worrying._

Sasuke gulped.

"Unfortunately," Continued Kimimaro, "you have spat in the face of that offer." He spat himself. Unsurprisingly, it was blood. "And I cannot allow you to further insult him by denying him his other prize. So even if it tears me apart..." He looked up. His eyes had taken on a familar black and yellow theme. "You are going to die here."

* * *

Naruto wondered, briefly, if it was weird that he knew how Hinata smelled. It wasn't perfume, because she put that on when she did the clan stuff and it was horrible, but in a world where everyone smelled like some combination of body odour and ineffective deodorant, Hinata managed to maintain a distinct but subtle scent of lavender wherever she went, even during the strenuous physical activity of Gai's lessons.

It was probably a kunoichi thing.

Naruto was fully aware that being so intimate with someone's smell was the sort of thing that warranted raised eyebrows and wolf whistles in everyday life, but wasn't really sure if that applied here.

Given he was using his Kyuubi powers to track her scent and hunt her down through the forest.

He pushed onwards, knowing for damn sure he was faster than her in a flat sprint, and was rewarded as the trees parted in front of him and he spotted her some distance away.

She, of course, could see him just fine wherever, and had apparently decided it was best to stop and wait for him on top of the head of some big stone dude.

So this was the valley of the End he'd heard about. Two massive stone statues set up by ninja who were definitely compensating for something, flanking a massive waterfall. The river roared as it flowed straight over the cliff wedge and down into a lake below, while the wind whipped around the tops. It was dramatic as hell.

He loved it.

Hopping up onto the adjacent head, he pointed a finger across to his teammate. "Hinata! I don't know what Bony told you, but it's time for you to come home! You can't just-"

* * *

Hinata blinked. Naruto had struck a dramatic pose and was gesturing wildly. Her ears caught a few snippets of words from him across the river.

She tilted her head. "What?"

* * *

 _She looks like she's listening!_ "Me and Sasuke are super worried about you!" He continued. "And whatever it is you're trying to do, it can't be more important than-"

* * *

"I can't-" Hinata sighed. "Naruto I can't _hear_ you-"

* * *

"So no matter what! You gotta-" Naruto winced as Hinata put two hands in her mouth and whistled, the high pitched sound interrupting his train of thought.

Looking across, he saw her overact putting a hand to her ear while waving the other one uselessly, then making a 'come over' gesture.

"Oh..." he realised. He jumped off the dude's head, and ran across the top of the waterfall over to her side.

"Okay, so, that was a little embarrassing." He admitted, walking up to the top with her. "Do you want me to restart the speech, or-"

"No thanks, I think I understood the gist." Hinata replied. She didn't look any different, even from up close.

"So..." Naruto shifted on his feet. "...Watcha doing?"

"Going to live with the suspicious snake man from the forest." She explained.

"The one that put you through three days of agony and nearly killed you."

"Yes, that one."

"Could you, like, not?"

"No."

"No you won't go, or no you won't not go, or no you won't not not-"

"I'm going, Naruto." She told him.

"Yeah but the thing is..." he paused, trying to vocalise his feelings. " _WHY?_ "

She grimaced. "I...can't explain it."

"Yeah that's _hella_ suspicious." He squinted at her. "Are you being mind controlled?"

"What?"

"Say something the real Hinata would say."

"No."

"Damn, you're a dead ringer."

"You-"

They paused.

Naruto snorted.

Hinata sighed as he started full on laughing.

"This isn't something you can fix just by making me laugh, Naruto." She said, after a while.

"But-"

"It used to be." She continued. "Back when we first became a team, I...wasn't in a good place. I was angry, and sad, and hurting. And you helped." She looked up at him and smiled. "You genuinely helped, both you and Sasuke. You helped me stand. Now it's time for me to walk on my own."

Naruto frowned. "Is this more from that race hypothesis thingie?"

"I suppose." Hinata looked over Naruto's shoulder. "You should go help Sasuke. Kimimaro is dangerous, and it would be a serious blow to Orochimaru if he was defeated."

Naruto looked at her in confusion. "One; Sasuke'll be fine, two; you're plotting against the guy you're betraying us for, and three; you're _still_ betraying us for Snakeface?"

"Yes."

"No." Naruto crossed his arms. Then thought about it, sidled around her so she was between him and the waterfall, and crossed his arms. "That mark made you crazy before it was sealed, and now it's stronger. You're not in your right mind, and if you are then you're just being stupid. We're both going back to help Sasuke, and then we can talk all we want about this later."

Hinata winced, fingers clenching into fists. Then she relaxed them. "Fine." And suddenly she moved, and Naruto found himself grabbed by the lapels and thrown behind her. There was a moment of vertigo as he passed over the stone dude's head and crashed down onto the top of the waterfall.

"I don't want to do this." She called over the edge to him. "Go back to Sasuke. If you get in my way, I'll move you."

He glared.

It took him a few seconds to climb back up to the top of the head and grab her arm as she was walking away. With her eyes she obviously knew he was coming, and her face as she turned back to him was more resigned than everything.

"Bull." He snarled. "If you don't want to do this, don't."

She twisted her arm free of his; he grabbed it again.

"It's not that simple." She shot back.

" _Sure_ it isn't." He replied, derisively. "This is about your cousin. It's always about your fucking cousin. You're so desperate to catch up to him that you'll go join a terrorist to make it happen, and you don't give a damn about the rest of us!"

Her eyes narrowed. She freed her arm and batted his away when he reached for her again, pressing one palm to his upper chest and walking him a few steps backwards. "Don't you _dare_ imply that I don't care."

"Oh really? What the hell am I supposed to think? I haven't seen much caring in the last few days!"

"Then you are _blind_!"

"No, _you_ are _crazy_!" He pulled her arm off his chest and shoved forwards with his shoulder, pushing her backwards. He took a deep breath. "You're crazy." He repeated. "Which is fine. I've gotten used to your regular brand of crazy over the past few months. So I'm going to drag your ass back to Konoha whether you like it or not, and apologise later."

Hinata stared him down. "I'm not crazy." She said. "But I understand I'm failing entirely to explain myself, so I can't expect you to know any better. So I'm going anyway, even if I have to beat you down to stop you following me. I'll apologise later."

They stood for a moment, facing each other down.

"Shikimaru and Kankuro both forfeit." Naruto pointed out.

"I beat Sasuke, and you beat Gaara." Hinata followed his train of thought. "But we never did get a final round of the chunin exams, did we?"

* * *

 **Oh I know some people are gonna be freaking pissed. I'd ask you to trust I know what I'm doing, but I haven't known what I was doing since I turned eleven.**

 **Sasuke is making his application for teammate of the year, Hinata is making her application for worst teammate of the year, and Naruto is just sort of upset.**

 **Tune in next week for _condensed child violence._**


	42. In My Way 2

**In my way #2: Condensed Child Violence**

* * *

"You are going to die here."

 _Oh no._

Sasuke darted forwards again, going for the head, but Kimimaro put his hand up and let the blade bury into his palm. His skin turned a dark purple, and his body began to grow and change, and was that a fucking _tail? Horns?_ What the-oh and now he was growing bone over the injury, great-

Sasuke tried to make a jutsu but Kimimaro leapt up with a literal roar and slammed a fist into the ground, hurling him backwards.

"Clemantis dance, Whip." Growled Kimimaro, now resembling nothing more than a velociraptor, as he reached behind himself to- _oh, what the hell_ -

Sasuke jumped out of the way of the bone whip. "Did you just _tear out_ your _spinal column_? That is metal as _fuck_ -"

Then he was ducking another sweep, and jumping away as it speared the ground next to him. "You know if it keeps switching between rigid and flaccid like that you should probably-"

"Shut up."

"I'm making a penis joke."

" _Stop talking_!" Kimimaro roared, sprinting towards him.

Sasuke did the sensible thing, and booked it towards the forest.

He was completely and utterly out of his depth. He knew this.

Kimimaro was stronger than him, faster than him (judging from the rapidly closing sounds of his monstrous footsteps) more durable than him, and probably still smarter, despite the cursemark.

The genjutsu trick probably wouldn't work again either, which left Sasuke with a mind completely empty of plans; his only thought was to get into the trees where Kimimaro's larger size would make him (hopefully) less manoeuvrable.

Of course the moment he actually got under the tree cover, he realised the problem with that plan. Kimimaro began swinging his whip wildly, and completely tearing the trees apart beneath Sasuke's feet.

 _Shit._

 _What can I do what can I do what can I do-_

There was only one piece of advice Sasuke had left rattling around in his brain. Another gem from Itachi.

 _Remember Sasuke, a lot of people are gonna complain about your Sharingan. Laugh good naturedly, and promise to turn it off in sparring. But in a real fight, when your life is on the line? You abuse whatever the hell you have to to survive._

What was the only thing Sasuke had over Kimimaro? Visual prowess and a kickass lightning punch.

So how did he leverage that to win?

* * *

Hinata blitzed forwards and punched. Naruto caught it on his shoulder, not moving, shifting back into stance. Then he punched back. She slid backwards. Then the black markings from her cursemark spread across her body and she punched again.

 _That_ got a reaction.

The stone beneath them cracked and Naruto was thrown off, and this time Hinata jumped straight after him. Mid-air, they put their hands together at the same time. "Shadow clone jutsu!"

Three Naruto and three Hinata landed on the water's surface, and broke into taijutsu. Hinata...was better than Naruto at fistfighting. He knew this. Her gentle fist was frankly completely busted OP. But she wasn't more experienced at shadow clone combat. Being able to ruin someone with one attack means nothing special if they _already_ break in one attack.

While Naruto Prime was backing up away from the waterfall and blocking desperately, his two clones were soundly beating Hinata's (mostly through self-sacrificial tactics and repeated clone-cloning.)

They ran up behind her as she pressed down on Naruto, but (seeing everything) she jumped upwards, catching both attacks and kicking both in the head midair. She landed, and kept walking forwards.

"Alright fine if you're gonna be a badass..." Naruto grouched. "Multi-shadow clone jutsu!" It was time to take off the 'this is just a spar' gloves.

* * *

 _One hundred, give or take. He's outdoing himself_. Hinata noticed. She shifted her feet. "Eight trigrams. Sixty four palms." The clones rushed her and she countered, each strike deadly, movie like a reaper through their ranks and popping them one after the other. The Hyuuga multi-palm strikes were almost perfectly designed to take down the multi-shadow clone technique; allowing the user to put thirty, sixty, even a hundred and twenty clones into the ground in the course of a few seconds, even breaking through to the jutsu's caster and partially damaging them. This was, of course, against all shadow clone users that weren't Uzumaki Spam-It-To-Death Naruto.

The clones, getting the memories and chakra of their deceased comrades, made more clones. As her technique came to a close she had made no recognisable dent in the clones' forces, so she prepared a slightly more direct solution. "First gate! Open!" She felt her adrenaline pump faster as her body moved into overdrive. She blitzed forwards and punched, and her momentum took her straight through three of the clones. She didn't bother targeting them, simply elbowing and kneeing her way through any Naruto in between her and her target. The Naruto standing separately from everyone else. His eyes widened and he fell into a defensive stance as she approached, and she got within a few metres of him before her momentum was suddenly halted.

"Heave!" Shouted one of the Naruto clones; two of them had launched the adamantine chakra chains from their hands and caught her about the arms. They may not have been real, but they certainly had Naruto's mass, and his strength. Not strength enough, though, and chakra suppression did nothing against the gates. She yanked one arm and took one of the clones off his feet entirely, slamming him into one of the statues, then punched off the chain on her other arm, before lunging back at Naruto. The half second it took her was too long; by the time she got to him Naruto had substituted with a clone, who had the audacity to grin at her as she punched it in the face. She turned around towards the Naruto crowd, sprinting towards the one she'd seen doing the handseals for the substitution, but by that point the rest of the Naruto had caught onto the plan and were randomly substituting the real Naruto amongst them, and with each other, making him nearly impossible to keep track of. Those that _weren't_ were just gang piling Hinata. They came at her from every angle, deliberately choosing the path of most resistance, planning only to impart as much momentum as they could before they died. She could destroy them no problem, but it left her slow, struggling, more at risk from the chains that snaked in occasionally to try and grapple her.

 _Oh. He's using his anti-Lee plan against me. s_ he realised with a start _._ And it was actually working. _Bastard._

Deciding she needed some breathing room, Hinata resealed the first gate, and smoothly shifted into a more defensive posture as they continued to lunge at her. "Eight trigrams! Heavenly spin!" She twisted, and the blue dome of chakra came to life around her. A few more shadow clones dispelled themselves running into it before they got the gist and hung back.

"I thought it was called 'Rotation'?" The real Naruto said, from some distance away.

"So did I!" Hinata replied, still spinning. "It depends on the translation!"

"Sounds like a plot hole!"

"It's really not; the only info I had on it before was from some less advanced scrolls and-"

"Wind blade jutsu!" She glared at him, annoyed, as he interrupted her with a large scythe of chakra that shattered on her shield.

This only compelled the other clones to try.

After a few unsuccessful seconds of kunai, explosive tags and other wind jutsu, one of the clones had the brains to use the adamantine chakra chains, and _that_ had an effect, especially when over a dozen of the others tried it. The golden chains wrapped around her dome and the chakra that made it up began to fizzle out; in fact it created a sort of chakra suppression zone within the dome that began to stop her emitting energy. Her usually perfect vision _flickered_. She wondered if he even knew he was doing it.

Grimacing, she cut the technique and fell into a sprinters position, and the moment the technique finished she blasted off the ground, jumping through a gap in the chains back towards the army. But this time, she had a plan, and started making hand seals.

 _Time to break out the new techniques. Assuming I can pull it off..._

As horrible as her introduction to it had been; her family's vaults were a figurative _goldmine_ of techniques. How to do the heavenly spin properly, how to focus her Byakugan's vision like a telescope, how to extrapolate the eight trigrams technique to a theoretically infinite number of strikes...None of which had immediately piqued her interest as much as one technique, which she had promptly spent the next day trying to learn. It's effectiveness against Naruto specifically was...a fortunate side effect.

"Gentle step!" She cried. "Twin lion fists!"

Blue chakra blazed to life about her hand, and she struck.

She destroyed well over five shadow clones before the remainder realised what was happening, and another five before they all had the thought to dispel themselves. Left alone was the real Naruto, gaping at her. "That is _awesome_. What the hell is it doing?"

Hinata stood to her full height (which was still embarrassingly below five feet) and held her arms out to either side. The two lion heads around her hands did look pretty cool. "The twin lion fists is one of the greatest techniques of the Hyuuga clan." She orated. "They drain the chakra of whatever they touch. Am I correct that you didn't get the memories or power back when the clones dispelled?"

Naruto's eyes narrowed in focus, and she could feel him reevaluating his options. Hinata herself made sure to keep her expression calm, and not show the fear she was experiencing. Due to him summoning so many clones at once, each one had had only a miniscule fraction of his chakra, yet she was feeling swamped by the quantity currently running though her system from draining _ten_ of the hundred-and-change. Some quick mental maths left her in awe of his chakra reserves; she'd seen them before, sure, but _feeling_ was a lot different, and she was almost certain if he split himself only in two, draining the clone would probably knock her unconscious.

But for now, all he knew was that his zero cost bullshit technique was no longer zero cost.

 _Perfect._

* * *

 _Kill him kill him kill him-_

Was the mantra Kimimaro used to maintain his focus. A bit unorthodox, but it worked. Above him, in the trees, Sasuke had begun throwing shuriken. Lots of them.

Most bounced off Kimimaro's hardened skin, and plenty just missed entirely; the Uchiha was throwing them with reckless abandon, seemingly at random, often not even close to their target.

A distraction tactic, then. Kimimaro ignored them, and focused on using his whip to try and snatch Sasuke's leg and pull him down, chasing deeper into the forest.

His target began to swerve, double back on himself, trying to punish Kimimaro for his smaller turning circle. It was a decent plan. So Kimimaro began smashing completely through the trees in his way. That certainly helped; eventually Sasuke was left standing on the only remaining tree in a brand new clearing. Grimacing, he began making hand seals as Kimimaro charged towards him.

"Clemantis dance; Flower." Kimimaro grinned as he called checkmate, and prepared the final part of his fourth dance. His free hand morphed and twisted, growing into a long, wickedly sharp bone lance, capable of punching through just about anything.

"Chidori!" Sasuke countered with an unfamiliar technique, blue lightning coalescing around his fist, as he propelled himself off the tree down towards his opponent.

In the back of his mind, Kimimaro recognised that as an incredibly silly move, and that suspicion was what allowed him to spot the faint glint of reflecting sunlight in front of him.

Razor wire.

Sasuke began to grin.

Kimimaro quickly understood the gambit, seeing in his peripheral vision the kunai and shuriken embedded in the trunks of trees; not random, but carefully thrown, with stands of wire wrapped around their hilts. A net stood in front of Kimimaro and if Sasuke had his way, it would wrap him up and slow him down, trapping him for long enough for that lightning blade to stab into his chest.

And it almost worked.

Kimimaro made his whip rigid, and swept it in front of him, slicing the razor wire apart.

Sasuke's face fell.

Now, he was falling, with no surfaces to bounce of, and on a trajectory that was painfully easily to calculate.

Kimimaro quickened his pace.

With the path he was on, he would skewer Sasuke before he even hit the ground, and proceed to smash him against the tree he had jumped from in a guaranteed killing blow.

Which was why it was such a surprise when Sasuke suddenly jerked in midair.

Time slowed down.

Kimimaro's eyes widened and he saw it, wrapped around Sasuke's right leg; _more of the wire_. But that was impossible, Kimimaro had just cleared out the whole web, there couldn't be any left! Not unless he had prepared it in a way so that when certain wires were snapped, others were tightened, so that the overall web would change entirely when...but that was impossible! In order to have everything interconnect like that, thrown with perfect precision, the visual acuity required...it _was_ impossible. Without something like the Sharingan.

Kimimaro closed his eyes.

Sasuke's downwards acceleration was halted, converted into a swing, as Kimimaro's momentum carried him inevitably forwards, not into but _underneath_ his opponent.

Uchiha Sasuke winked at him.

And then the Chidori tore down into his back.

* * *

Naruto bit his finger and palmed the surface of the water. "Summoning jutsu!" Doing this with any degree of precision rather than just throwing the net out for the strongest summon he had...it required a lot of chakra control, especially for Naruto, but he was able to grab and pull the toad he was looking for.

This one was a dark purple with orange splotches, lean bodied, standing just over two metres tall on its hind legs.

"Toxicroak! Close combat!"

"Yeah, okay, can you stop with the naming us after Pokemon?" Toxicroak winced. "We have names. Blastoise is a turtle, not a toad, and I've never even _heard_ of Toxicroak."

"Really? Gen four, dude. The best generation."

"It is _not_."

"Yes it-you know what, whatever. Hit the lady with the blue hair."

Toxicroak jumped forwards, and Naruto followed him.

Hinata glared, and Naruto grinned at her. Sage creatures used sage chakra, which Jiraiya had vaguely explained to him at one point. Most importantly, Hinata's Byakugan couldn't see them, so she'd have to keep Toxicroak in normal sight range. And it didn't have tenketsu, so she couldn't use the gentle fist on it. And unless he was mistaken, she couldn't _drain_ sage Chaka either. Toxicroak, meanwhile, was Naruto's best taijutsu summon. _How do you like them apples, huh?_

Hinata of course had her solution, she slit her thumb open with a nail and palmed the water beneath her, copying him. "Summoning jutsu!"

Beside her, Forsooth appeared, taking one look at the situation and sighing. "My lady-"

"Tell me you've changed your mind about the plan, and we'll call it off." She told him, not looking away from Naruto.

Forsooth tapped his beak, but said nothing, before rising to the air with a few mighty flaps of his wings.

Naruto wasn't having any of that 'altitude' nonsense.

"Boost me!" He shouted to Toxicroak, jumping up onto his back, and the toad pushed him upwards. He reached and blasted out a chakra chain, managing to wrap it around Forsooth's legs just before the owl could cast a jutsu. He didn't think the chains could stop sage techniques, but they could certainly wrap its claws up.

"Ha ha!" He shouted, victoriously.

Forsooth glared at him. Then dived.

"Ha! Ha-ugh?" The chain went taught. With an incredibly unmasculine scream, Naruto was sent hurtling off the edge of the waterfall.

* * *

Left alone, Hinata moved to block the punches of the worryingly muscular toad. The lionfists didn't seem to do much draining, but they did increase her attack potency, and her other strength multipliers were still up. They went back and forth, her a concentrated bullet of power, it a larger, more evasive opponent.

It was a hell of a fight, pushing her taijutsu to the limits, and she idly wondered if Naruto was having a similar fight with the ever-calculating Forsooth.

* * *

"LET GO!"

"NO!"

"LET GO!"

"NO!"

"LET GO!"

"NO!"

The trees beneath Naruto were going past _way_ too fast. He tried not to look down, and focused on climbing his way up the golden chain linking him to the big blue bird.

"I will drop yooou!" Forsooth threatened.

"You can't!" He shot back, moving further up.

"I will desummon myself, and yooou'll fall!"

"You can't do that either!" He pointed out.

As long as he had Forsooth (literally) by the claws, he had him (figuratively) by the throat; no jutsu, no auto-dispelling, no attacking.

The owl evidently decided on the next best thing, which was to drop until he was just above tree level and let Naruto fall towards the leaves. "Oh for-"

He grabbed the chain harder and braced as his body smashed through the branches of the trees Senju Hashirama had so thoughtlessly grown there; not to mention at least three squirrels and one enraged crow. Eventually, Forsooth's own momentum was bled dry as Naruto attempted to deliberately grab the larger trunks, forcing the summon to climb higher into the air and drag Naruto back out of the danger zone.

"Okay, if you-pthuh!" Naruto spat out a twig. "Do that again we're going to have problems! Take me back to Hinata!"

"I will _not_." Snapped the bird. "My lady specifically desires yooou remoooved from her presence."

"Yeah, but she summoned you because she didn't think she could fight that frog. And now she has to, alone, without you." Naruto pointed out.

"Lady Hinata will be fine." Forsooth replied, with a little less certainty.

"Are you really helping her betray everyone she cares about?" Naruto tried. "What happened to owls being wise?"

"I disagree with her decision." Forsooth grumbled. "But the higher ups, as it were, have decided tooo support her."

"And you're just _going_ with that?" Naruto exclaimed. "Look, bring me to her and I'll talk to her, convince her she was being stupid, bring her back, everyone's happy!"

"That would be against-"

"Screw the rules!" Naruto interrupted. "Screw the elders! Do what you think is right!"

Forsooth looked down at him. Huffed.

"I am going to regret this..."

* * *

"Water bullet!" Croaked Toxicroak, blasting the projectile towards Hinata; who put one lionfist out and caught it with little difficulty. She lunged through the ensuing explosion and was able to get a kick in to the toad's ribs. It flew backwards, but instead of landing on the surface of the water it vanished into the currents with a loud splash. _Of course, amphibious. And now it can attack me from below without my Byakugan being able to track it._

But stupid. She made a few hand seals and poured some lightning release chakra into the water. There was a smell of ozone, a few fish flopped up to the surface, and there was the sound of desummoning.

Hinata sighed and stood up, stretching, and remembered to pay attention to her previously useless Byakugan. Which was when she spotted Forsooth flying towards her from upstream.

Naruto, dangling from the owl's tied up feet, released his grip. The chains dissipated, allowing Forsooth to make the hand signs to dispel himself just before there was a bang from (presumably) an explosive tag. Naruto inherited all the momentum, flying forwards with a double kick Hinata barely had time to get her hands up to block.

Naruto slammed into her arms, and not wanting to break both her own legs, she released the water-walking attraction and let herself be thrown backwards. She hadn't anticipated to fly quite as far, however. Her eyes widened as she was flung metres away, legs kicking down to catch the ground and missing, as with a small "eep!" She fell over the edge of the waterfall and began plummeting down to the lake below.

* * *

Kimimaro slid to a stop after a few metres. The pain was so intense he could hardly even move, as behind him Sasuke disentangled himself from the wiring and dropped to the floor.

"I really need to stop fucking with my leg." He heard the Uchiha growl. "And that's what you get for falling for the same trick twice, bitch. WOO!"

He was right. A second trick hidden beneath the first; not even that complex of a plan by ninja standards, but Sasuke had pulled it off with the genjutsu, and again with the wire. It was the price Kimimaro had paid for the power of the cursemark, detriments to his higher brain functions.

And now he was dying.

He could feel it; even as his body desperately tried to regrow bone over the damage to his heart and central nervous system. There would be no excuses this time, either. It was just as his master had promised. Here his mission had bid him succeed at all costs, and he had failed.

 _No. Not yet_.

Death was not failure. His master would have his new body if Hinata made it. He could still succeed; _if_ he was able to kill Sasuke now.

He inhaled, marshalling his chakra, and preparing his broken body for a last few minutes of action.

Then he put his palms to the floor, and uttered the words.

"Bracken Dance."

* * *

 **I promised you violence, and lo I have delivered. I hope I got across the fact that Kimimaro is way stronger than Sasuke. But _stronger_ doesn't necessarily mean _better_ or _going to win._ I'd claim the influence of how Sasuke's desire to save his friends is stronger than Kimimaro's will to serve his master, but nah really it's more that Sasuke's an actual genius and his dojutsu is freaking busted. Naruto's and Hinata's respective toolkits finally get to come to blows and do so pretty spectacularly; his _stupid_ chakra levels and spammable techniques going up against Hinata's very specialised abilities and crippling lack of AoE damage. Next chapter; the conclusion of the big fights I've been planning ever since like chapter fifteen.**


	43. In My Way 3

**In My Way #3**

* * *

Naruto landed perfectly on the water, striking a dramatic pose as Hinata fell over the edge.

Then he blinked. "Oh, wait, shit."

His eyes widened, and he ran as fast as he could to the edge of the waterfall. There the water was running fast and breaking into froth, and it was hard for him to keep his footing as he looked over the edge, trying to spot his friend. " _Hinata_!" He shouted. " _I, uh, I'm really sorry_!"

There was no response for a few seconds.

And then a shape rocketed up in front of him.

He fell back onto his ass, winced at how cold the water was, and scrambled away from the waterfall's edge, eyes tracking through the sky trying to spot the UFO that had just flown up past, which was when something fell over his eyes. Annoyed, he pulled whatever it was off himself, and recoiled in surprise when he saw it was Hinata's fur-lined jacket. He turned to see where it had come from...and came face to face with one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen.

It was Hinata, but not, stood atop the stone-dude's head. Most importantly, feathered _wings_ emerged down and out from her arms, the fingers on which had extended somewhat into claws which she was flexing in front of herself in fascination. They were navy blue, of course, and the feathers seemed to form a spine going down her back, with a feathered tail reaching to the backs of her knees. More strangely, her normal _hair_ was gone, the feathers forming a hood that came up over the crown of her head and had a small peak going down to between her eyebrows (Naruto couldn't help but compare it to the hoods from Shinobi's Creed). He carefully bundled up her coat and tied it about his waist, understanding why she'd relinquished it; there was no way she would have been able to fit those things under her sleeves. All she currently wore was the sleeveless vest she sometimes trained taijutsu in.

"An owl." Naruto deadpanned. "Of course. This is the curse mark thing, right?"

"Looks like it." Hinata remarked. She moved her wings out to either side, giving them a test beat which sent pebbles skittering away from beneath her. Then she lunged.

Naruto didn't have time to move out of the way as she blasted towards him; crashing into him in almost the same move as he had just pulled on her. Only this time, she went with him. Naruto locked his arms around her legs as they both went plummeting over the waterfall, wind whipping around both forms as they got faster and faster. Hinata angled her wings and they took on a diagonal route, hurtling over the lake at the bottom.

"Let go." Hinata snarled.

"Not a chance!" Naruto bit back.

"Then I'll _make_ you." She decided. She expelled chakra from her legs, weakening his grip, then twisted them and kicked him again, sending him hurtling away even as she flattened her wings to slow herself down.

Naruto slammed full force into one of the stone cliffs, coughing up blood, before falling over ten metres to the ground below. Somehow he didn't stop at that, rolling on the rocks at the lake's edge and stumbling back up to his feet.

Hinata glided to a stop right in front of him, and put her hand on his shoulder to steady him.

"Eight trigrams." She said, sadly. "Sixty four palms."

Naruto tried, but he wasn't able to provide much resistance.

Hinata'd used the multi-palms on him before, during sparring, so he knew what to expect. The sharp pain from the first ten or so hits, followed by a complete numbness that spread throughout his entire body. Hinata finished, and released him, and he fell to his knees in front of her. He couldn't feel anything below his face, and she'd probably only spared that as a courtesy.

"I'm sorry." She said, quietly. "Please. Just wait here until the others arrive."

In answer, his body flopped completely onto its side. Hinata took on last look at him, and began to walk away.

"Zero."

She stopped, and tilted her head, not looking back.

Naruto worked his jaw and continued. "That's how many friends I used to have. Nought, nada, zilch. Sasuke came along and I had one. Then you came and I had two. But suddenly, after you showed? I had more. Haku, Kakashi, Gaara, Jiraiya, the kids from our class started being more friendly."

The first thing he felt was a brief flash of nostalgia, which he relished. But then the rage started to build, and he didn't even try to control it. "These last few months have been the best time of my life." He continued. "And you're here trying to tell me to _give it up_? Not. Happy." He grit his teeth. "But I'd do it. For you. I'd give my happiness up in a heartbeat for yours. But that's not what you're asking me to do, is it?"

His vision went red, and he wasn't sure if it was the anger or there was actually blood coloured chakra bubbling off his body.

"Because you are just like me."

That got a reaction. She turned around to look at him.

"You know damn well what it's like to be lonely." He growled, and oh good, he had fangs now. "To have nobody. But you want me to sit back, and let you throw yourself right back into that place. And that's something I'm never going to let you do." He looked up, and grinned ferally. " **Call it my Ninja Way**."

 ** _Are you finally going to let me loose on something_**? Asked the voice hovering in the back of his head.

 _We're not killing her. But she's_ not _leaving_.

 ** _...I'll take it_**.

* * *

Sasuke summoned a shadow clone, and handed it the real Raito. "Finish it."

The clone nodded, and walked forwards. "Sorry, asshole." Sasuke called over it's shoulder. "Hinata may be fine right now, but _nobody_ kills my friend and gets away with it."

That was when the ground began to rumble. Sasuke looked with his Sharingan and gaped as Kimimaro's chakra spread out from him, down into the earth beneath, as his entire body became covered in bone and what the hell-

"Shit! Three stage bossfight!"

Sasuke and his clone jumped.

Just in time for the earth beneath them to erupt up into a landscape of bone spikes.

Sasuke was forced to jump from pillar to pillar as the bones just kept growing, blanking out the surroundings, uprooting trees, and causing avalanches of dirt to fall into and fill the abyss below.

"What in the name of..."

He stuck himself to one of the bones and gaped out at the _Kage-Plus_ level feat that he'd just been caught up in.

Pebbles skittered down, echoing as they went, but the bones had stopped.

"Was...was that it?" He dared to ask.

That was a mistake.

"Look out!" Shouted his shadow clone, and Sasuke jumped off his pillar just before his location was stabbed. Looking back midair, he saw Kimimaro's upper body emerging from the bone, glaring at him. "Die." It said, before vanishing back into the bone.

Sasuke, quite reasonably terrified, landed on another spine, only to be forced to jump away again as Kimimaro emerged from beneath his feet, swiping at him with the massive death stick.

"Oh come on!" Sasuke yelled, moving to rejoin his shadow clone only to find said clone impaled from behind. "This is bullshit!"

He snatched up Raito as it fell, then used said blade to block as Kimimaro struck at him too, sending him flying backwards towards another bone.

 _I can't keep going like this. After all that he's going to kill me_. His eye started bleeding again. _No. Fuck this. Plans. He's as fast as he wants when he's in the bones, but he seems to slow down to normal when he pops out. So-_

This time Kimimaro didn't wait for Sasuke to land before appearing, coming out to stab it him while he was still falling towards the pillar.

Sasuke hurled a kunai wrapped in razor wire lower down and yanked on his end, effectively tugging himself onto another trajectory then kicking back off.

 _-so whatever I do it has to be after I've baited him out. Ideally, I need to separate him from the bones_.

The next bone was coming up, and Sasuke started making hand seals as fast as he could. When Kimimaro appeared, it was to see Sasuke held tight in the grip of a shadow clone of himself. The moment he saw Kimimaro appear, they both kicked hard off each other, sending the clone upwards and the real boy on a steeper downwards arc. That was when the real Sasuke finished his hand seals. "Chidori!" He shouted, gritting his teeth at the pain of feeling his chakra reserves almost completely run dry. He wasn't on a course to hit Kimimaro anymore, but that wasn't where he was aiming. With a yell of rage, he swept round his arm and sliced straight through the bone.

The following events would all occur within the next seven seconds.

Kimimaro's eyes widened as he realised what was going on.

With a loud rumble, the pillar disconnected from the rest of the boneyard, and began to fall.

Kimimaro immediately pulled his full body out of the bone, sprinting along it towards the clone, who had landed on the tip and now yanked his hands in midair. The razor wire linking the copy to the original went taut, and Sasuke was pulled up to land on the underside of the bone. That was when Kimimaro impaled the clone. Flinching at the memory that hit him a moment later, Sasuke moved to sprint around the circumference to try and get a good look, only to hear a roar and for the pillar to split in two.

He tried to maintain his footing but his now exhausted chakra reserves couldn't keep hold of the shifting ivory and he spiralled out of control through the air, and Kimimaro finished the swing that had cut through the bone and jumped up towards him, and Sasuke was completely out of movement, out of ideas, and this _bastard_ who had just _killed his friend_ was about to _kill him too_ and he wasn't about to _fucking stand for it_ -

The pain that had been building up in his eyes all day spiked.

There was a flash.

And then Kimimaro's body was wreathed in black flames.

There was screaming, Sasuke didn't know if it was him or Kimimaro, his eyes felt like they were on fire, and it was only his years of training that let him automatically turn and stab Raito into one of the intact bones, slowing his decent to a manageable 30 miles-per-hour _crash_.

* * *

It wasn't the first time Hinata had seen the Kyuubi chakra. That had been when Naruto had let it loose on the bridge of the Water Dragon, and she'd had a few horrified seconds to observe it then. Red. Powerful. _Angry._ And if anything, it seemed bigger now.

It emerged from the seal around his belly button that she'd been wondering about ever since she'd first seen it, years ago, and flowed around his body like a cloud. And Naruto got to his feet.

He probably thought he'd just found some new strength to overcome his blocked tenketsu, but her Byakugan could spot the chakra itself animating his body like a puppet, allowing him to move when he should be completely out of action.

So, fighting the nine tails jinchurikki. Was it possible?

"First gate; open." She declared, showing no other reaction to his words, nor to the pain of reopening the gate so soon after closing it.

Naruto roared, and charged.

The following battle could be accurately described as two kids with superhuman strength beating the shit out of each other.

Naruto punched and Hinata went flying back, skidding along the surface of the lake, then she turned away his next two hits and countered with a palm strike to his back that sent him sprawling across the water's surface.

The two had reached the point where their speed, strength and durability outstripped their mass by a considerable margin, and conservation of momentum dictated that they were going to be knocked around a lot.

Naruto thrust his hand under the water's surface and then yanked it out, creating a massive wave that swamped Hinata's location; she jumped and used the heavenly spin midair to send the attack swirling around her like a waterspout. Feeling the air pressures, she beat her wings and flew up the centre of the spout, then began to glide in an arc around him. He spotted her immediately and used the buffeting wind, which was supercharged into a hurricane by the nine-tails, whipping the surface of the lake into a frenzy. She was unable to fly with any control in the gale and was slammed back into the cliffside, so she pulled her wings in and dived, hitting the lake's surface and sprinting straight towards him. Her first fist rocked his chin upwards, her second was caught as he attempted to spin her around and throw her, but she got her back to him and flared her wings, breaking his grip, before turning around and hitting downwards, sending him plummeting below the water's surface.

It was silent for a solid two seconds before the lake began to bubble and glow. She jumped up just as Naruto exploded up out of the water in a massive geyser, turning and striking her right in the chest, launching her back towards the waterfall.

" **Shadow shuriken jutsu!** " He shouted, blasting thousands of shrapnel knives at her, and

"Heavenly spin!" She built up the blue dome that caused the projectiles to bounce off harmlessly, then " **Wind blade**!" She was forced to swerve to the side as a ten metre tall slash cut her defence neatly in two. "Lionfists!" She shouted, and caught the followup blade, skidding backwards on the water's surface as she absorbed it and why does he have so much _chakra_ -

Then he was upon her again and kicking her, which she blocked, and she brought her other arm around and broke his leg at the knee, which only got him to roar angrily in response as he brought his other leg around to axe-kick the lake at her feet, causing a second geyser, while she jumped back and rose up into the air, making the hand signs and powering up the attack she'd last used against Sasuke in the chunin exams; "Thundershock jutsu!"

A sphere of lightning chakra blasted from her hands towards Naruto.

She watched as his damaged leg knit itself back together in a matter of seconds, and he used it to _kick_ the ball of electricity.

It was batted away, causing another predictably massive explosion when it slammed into the cliff-side.

She grimaced. This was going to take more destructive power.

Maybe it was the curse mark acting up again, but she was pretty confident he'd at least survive this.

"Chidori!" She shouted, as the lightning began to flicker around her right arm. It glinted with an unusual onyx light. Across the lake, Naruto copied her. "Rasengan!" He shouted, and the blue ball (now shrouded in red) formed in his hand.

They charged. Hinata went for height, running up the waterfall to her left, while Naruto beelined straight for her across the lake's surface. At the centre she was directly above him, and blasted straight downwards, as he propelled himself up to meet her.

Their eyes met, for a brief moment. And she saw, she _saw_ him holding back. Even now he was trying his hardest not to really hurt her.

And here she was, betraying him in the worst way she could think of. Tears in her eyes, she brought her Chidori down.

The two techniques clashed, a sphere of light manifesting around the explosion, which promptly fell in on itself, compressing into a tiny point. Then _that_ exploded.

* * *

Sasuke gasped, trying to force oxygen through his quite reasonably upset lungs, and clambered to his knees. He had landed on the trunk of some tree or another, almost a hundred metres deep into the earth. The sky was bright and far off, while the bones extended downwards still further. Grimacing, he stood, gathered himself, and moved to confirm what he had just seen.

It didn't take him long; he only had to follow the sound of burning.

Kimimaro's corpse was already mostly ash by the time he got there, but the black flames were still alight. _How the hell did I even do that? I don't know any fire release techniques that can..._

He caught sight of himself in the reflective surface of a nearby bone. What he saw in his reflection was...not what he was used to.

"Huh." He remarked. "Looks like my bloodline limit is still more broken than yours. GG no re."

Kimimaro predictably didn't respond.

Sighing, Sasuke reached down and picked up Kimimaro's whip-sword, untouched by the fire. Then he looked up, and started plotting a path out.

* * *

It was the height that did it.

While Hinata was blown upwards towards the heavens, arm fractured into pieces, in incredible pain but ultimately intact, gravity slowed her down, and she was able to control herself until she hit a constant altitude.

Naruto wasn't so lucky. He was propelled directly downwards, hitting the surface of the water with a crack and falling straight through.

He wasn't moving.

Hinata briefly considered leaving, there was no knowing how long it would take Naruto to heal, or for the others to catch up.

But it wasn't even a real decision.

She tucked her wings and dove.

* * *

 **Twenty minutes later**

Sasuke clambered up the bust of Senju Hashirama, and started looking around. He was a little too afraid to activate his Sharingan, but he could still spot signs of battle everywhere he looked. Not good.

"Hey, Sasuke! You alright?" He turned to see Shikimaru land behind him.

"Alive." Sasuke shrugged. "Bony's dead."

"We saw the boneyard," For once Shikimaru actually seemed shaken. "And heard the explosion. We took out our two without much trouble, I left the rest of the team to take them back to Konoha for interrogation."

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious what happened here." Sasuke sniffed, taking in the familiar scent of chakra and ozone. "Want to help me look?"

It took them fifteen minutes to find Naruto.

After slogging their way down the side of the waterfall, tracking the combat throughout the valley, they spotted him on one of the lake's beaches, and exchanged glances.

He was propped up against a rock, with Hinata's coat draped over him.

* * *

 **Dramaaaaaa...**

 **For those of you who saw the Mangekyo coming, congratulations! You have at least a modicum of understanding of Checkov's gun!**

 **Next chapter next week, and it's time to start the aftermaths.**

 **Holy shit, how are we wrapping up part one already?**


	44. Aftermath 4: Broken

**Aftermath 4: Broken**

* * *

Kakashi was hopeful when his Sharingan picked up the seven chakra signatures moving through the trees; hopeful in spite of them all being obviously the wrong size and shape. But that hope was dashed when they exited the tree line, walking along the main road into Konoha. He was reminded of the first time team seven had left the village; three fucked up little kids and their fucked up sensei off on an adventure with this one drunk guy. Good times.

Not anymore.

He saw Sasuke and Naruto, arms around each others' shoulders, both battered, bruised and exhausted but still walking with each other's help. Ino-Shika-Cho all walked together, a little closer to each other than they'd previously felt the need to be. Lee, the best off of the group, walked upright but with his eyes downcast and usual fire not present, two strangers hogtied and held over his shoulders...

Kakashi raised an eyebrow when they could easily see him.

Naruto didn't meet his eyes.

Sighing, Kakashi walked forwards to console the remnants of his team.

* * *

 **~Six Years Before Graduation**

"Come on..." Neji growled to himself, under his breath. "Do something, girl."

"Now I know it's hella illegal." Itachi continued talking, across from him, "But I do think that if we comb through some of hidden Lightning's archives, we might find out what-" He blinked, and squinted at his friend. "Konoha to Neji? You listening?"

"Hm?" The Hyuuga looked up. "Oh, sorry. Hinata's in a mess halfway across the village. Nothing dangerous, just-"

"You wanna take a break and go bail her?" Itachi chuckled good naturedly.

"Yeah. Sorry, I'll-" Neji paused, tilting his head and focusing. "Oh. Actually, we might be good."

"Why? What's happening?"

* * *

 **Elsewhere**

"What's wrong, weirdo? Nothing to say?"

Hinata winced and closed her eyes. That was what seemed to be the problem, maybe if she kept them closed they would-

"Hey, you not gonna look at me while I'm talking? What, you blind as well as ugly?"

The older boy shoved her, and she stumbled backwards. The trio of others backing him up laughed along with him.

"Hah! Look at you! Total pussy!"

"Dude, you can't say that-"

"Nah my parents aren't around it's fine."

"Stop." Hinata whimpered.

"Huh? What was that little bug-eyes?"

"Please stop." She forced her eyes shut tighter, taking a step backwards.

"Oh you want me to stop? Why don't you stop me, huh?" The boy spread his arms. "Use your ninja powers to stop me! Go on, do it!"

Hinata just took another step backwards.

"Hah! Pathetic. You clans think you're so cool, but look at you!" He shoved her again, and this time she fell flat on her backside in the snow.

They found _that_ hilarious.

"Stop it!" She shouted, then, "Help! Someone, please-"

The lead bully drowned her out with laughter. "Oh, come on. Who's gonna try and save _you_?"

 _"I AM!"_

Hinata's eyes snapped open.

Standing with his hands on his hips in a dramatic pose was a boy with blond hair, orange clothes, bright blue eyes and a million-ryo grin on his face.

"Who the hell are you?" One of the bullies asked, angrily.

The newcomer, if possible, grinned harder. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto!" He shouted. "I'm here because I heard there was someone in need, and I'm never going to turn my back on s-"

One of the bullies punched him in the face and he went spinning, landing on the floor.

"- _someone in need. ow_." He mumbled, through the snow.

"Who the hell is this kid?" One of the bullies asked.

"Yo! This is that Uzumaki kid!" Another shouted. "He's some kind of demon, all the parents _hate_ him! We could do whatever and nobody'll shout at us!"

"Dude, that's awesome!"

Naruto stood up again, and fell into what Hinata recognised was a _terrible_ fighting stance. "Hah! Bold of you to assume even all three of you could-"

One of them punched him again.

He stumbled backwards, wiping some blood off his face. "Okay." He declared. "I wasn't ready that time. _Now,_ if you try and-"

They tackled him to the floor.

Hinata wisely scrambled back behind a tree.

The beating only lasted a few minutes before the bullies got bored, and having completely forgot about Hinata, wandered off.

She was almost certain Naruto had been killed, but he sat up with no complaints but a small groan, pawing at his face. "Hey, strange girl? You still there?"

Hinata peaked out of hiding. When she saw the coast was clear, she ran out to kneel next to him. "I'm here! Are you okay?"

"Heh. It'll take more than that to bring me down!" He grinned at her, flashing a thumbs up. Then he grimaced, and spat out a tooth.

"...Are you sure?" She asked, skeptically.

"Yeah, I heal fast." He said, fingering around his mouth for the gap. "I've lost that tooth like, five times at this point."

"I'm...fairly sure that's not normal."

"Then it's just a sign of me being awesome." He nodded, with an air of finality. "Hey, what's your name?"

"Hyuuga." She replied, watching how he reacted.

"No, like, your actual name." He prompted, acting like he'd never heard of her clan before.

"Oh, uh...Hinata?"

"Cool name! I'm-"

"Uzumaki Naruto." She replied, giggling. "You said already."

"Right, yeah." He looked down, wiggling his toes. "Hey, Hinata...you don't hate me."

"N-No. Am I supposed to?"

"Probably. Most people do."

"Oh." Well that made her cross. "They shouldn't. You're a good person."

He looked at her with wide eyes. "I am?"

She nodded, pouting. "Mmhmm. You're a hero!"

His jaw fell open, and he stared at her for a few minutes. Then he coughed. "Right, well, of course-" His voice went lower and he stood up. "It is of course a hero's duty to help those in need! And it is, uh, it is also-" He coughed again. "A hero's duty to be good friends with everyone who he saves! So, uh...be mine? Please?"

"You want to be my friend?" She blinked up at him, before smiling. "Yes!" She stood, and grabbed his hands. "Let's be friends!"

"YES! WOO!" He spun around and jumped in the air, making fist pumping motions, before freezing. "Uh, I mean, you know this is great. Just as great as all the other friends I definitely have."

"Of course." She giggled again.

"Right! Well then, Hinata, I must go and do hero stuff with all my other friends as well! Later!" He waved, and began running off.

She watched him go with a smile.

* * *

 **Present Day**

Sasuke walked into the living room of the Uchiha compound without even considering the fact that he might be unwelcome. He sat down at one of the sofas and waited. Sure enough, after a moment, Itachi came through one of the doors and sat down next to him.

"Glad to see you're up." Sasuke began, not sure what else to say.

"I'm not in fighting shape, but I'm walking." Itachi agreed. "Tsunade's one hell of a medic." He eyed his younger brother. "You should probably pay her a visit."

"I'm fine."

"You've been stabbed in multiple places and bruised all over."

"It's minor." Sasuke reiterated, before looking across and seeing the genuine concern in his brother's eyes. "I'll check in tomorrow morning." He relented, with a sigh.

There was a silence.

"Is Naruto okay?" Itachi queried.

"He told me he wanted some time to think; I left him a few roads back." Sasuke explained. "When he says that he either needs immediate intervention or needs to be left alone. In this case I'm pretty sure it was the latter."

"Are _you_ okay?" Itachi asked.

"No." Sasuke replied, simply.

"...Do you want a hug?"

"I don't..." Sasuke paused, then leaned in. Itachi wrapped his arms around his brother without another word.

"It's all fallen apart." Sasuke muttered, clinging tightly. "This whole time I was trying to get stronger, but all I did was put myself in the way of more pain. We made chunin, but now Hinata's gone, the team's disbanded..."

"Naruto's still here." Itachi reminded him. "I'm still here, so's Kakashi, Jiraiya, Haku...you're not alone, little brother."

"I know." Sasuke told him. And it was true. "I just...needed to get that out."

He leaned back out of the hug and wiped his arm across his face- not that there was anything to wipe off, of course.

"You know the bone dude you fought, Kimimaro? Beat him."

"Nice. Well done."

"Killed him."

"...I see." Itachi looked searchingly at him. "How does that make you feel?"

"Still processing it, actually." Sasuke admitted. "Might throw up later. Hope I don't get nightmares, that would be plain irritating." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a scroll. "That's his sword, or one of them. Tempted to engrave something on it, but frankly the 'boner' jokes write themselves."

"I'll have it cleaned, sharpened, you can think of a name later." Itachi promised, taking the scroll from him.

Sasuke shifted his feet, looking down at his hands. There was one more thing he had to say. "Kimimaro was going to kill me. I'd used up all my chakra, the chidori, nothing had put him down. He had me dead to rights."

"So what did you do?" Itachi asked.

"Oh, nothing much." Sasuke shrugged, closing his eyes. "I looked at him. He set on fire."

Itachi went very still.

Sasuke looked up, and met his eyes.

Itachi's Sharingan changed into the form Sasuke had only seen once, it's strange triangular pattern.

Sasuke's faced him. His usual three tomoe were gone, replaced by a black-red flower petal design.

"Ah." Said Uchiha Itachi.

"Yeah. I think," Said the boy with a mangekyo Sharingan, "you have some explaining to do."

* * *

Kakashi sat down at the bar, ordered a drink in silence.

A few minutes later, Jiraiya sat down next to him, and did the same.

A few minutes after that, Tsunade sat down, and did the same.

They all looked at each other.

"It's happening _again_." They chorused.

* * *

Naruto had no idea where he was. He'd started walking about an hour ago, and hadn't stopped since, wandering aimlessly past most of the village's major landmarks. He'd walked up the Hokage monument to watch the sun set, and then he'd walked back down it again. He'd passed the Uchiha compound over three times now, each time slowing down, looking at it for a long moment, then moving on.

Now it was dark, and there was nobody else on the streets. He knew, vaguely, that he was on the opposite side of town to his flat, and was briefly considering sending off some shadow clones to scout, when he recognised he was on a familiar road. He looked up, and his face fell. It was the Hyuuga compound. Grimacing, he turned away and started walking.

"Hey Naruto."

He froze.

"I guess that means I win the chunin exams, huh? Yay..."

He span around, and she was _right there_ -

" _Hinata!?_ "

She held up her hands placatingly as he darted towards her. " _Don't_. I'm not really here."

"You-"

"This is a shadow clone Hinata formed before leaving." Not-Hinata explained. "But I'm updated with memories as of five minutes ago. Yes, sorry. Your teammate is still running away to live with the hicky-snake-man."

"You..." Naruto stopped, looked at her. "I don't exactly know how to say this but...that's not something somebody _actually_ betraying us to a terrorist would _say_."

"You might have caught on sometime during the fight so I wouldn't have had to try and defeat a jinchurikki." Not-Hinata chuckled. "Yes, I'm not just betraying the village for my own ambitions."

"Then..." Ten different questions all tried to take precedence at once, but after a moment they all fell away. Naruto took a step back and shook his head. His legs ached, and he had to suppress the urge to yawn. "Why are you even _here_?"

Hinata's face fell. "You're upset."

"I'm just...tired."

"I think I understand." She looked down and exhaled. "Naruto...do you remember when we first met?"

"Kinda?" Naruto shrugged. "We were like, five or something."

"I was being attacked by some bullies. It was because of my eyes or something, and back then I was too pathetic to defend myself." Hinata explained. "And you came in, made a brave pose and started scrapping with them. They were bigger than you, so you got completely beaten up, but afterwards you got back up, brushed yourself off, and smiled like it was no big deal. It was one of the most amazing things I'd ever seen." She smiled at the memory. "I...started to follow you. Occasionally, only once or twice a week, I would go and follow you from a distance, just watch you. I was always far to scared to actually go and _talk_ to you."

"We've already had this talk, haven't we?" Naruto checked, remembering their conversation after the Wave mission.

"We have." She agreed. "But back then I made it out as so inspiring, so noble. In reality...I was fucked up, Naruto." She closed her eyes. "My family died. I had to walk through my compound and see their corpses, I _still_ see them every time I'm there. Kami, I don't know how to explain it, but the _silence,_ the _faces..._ It was so exhausting, just to be there, with their ghosts all pulling me down. I had absolutely nothing left except Neji, the man that _killed_ them...and you. So I latched onto you."

She looked back up to him. "I started following you almost every day. I got up early, trained, then came over to your flat to watch you wake up. I knew your habits, where you ate, who you spoke to, every prank you ever pulled I saw you pull it. I watched as Sasuke got closer to you and befriended you, and I started resenting him. I told myself it was because of some silly clan rivalry, when really I was just jealous he'd had the courage to come and _talk_ to you. I watched you as people were picking on you for seemingly no reason, and even while I got stronger, I didn't come in to help you. Thing is, while you were hurting? I knew you were feeling the same as me, and in some twisted way it made _me_ feel better. Even as I started to hate everyone that did it to you, which was...everyone."

Naruto just looked at her. For once in his life, he genuinely had no idea what to say. What to _feel_.

"And then they put me on your team." She continued, with a smile. "So I had to interact with you. And it was everything I'd ever wanted. You were so nice, but you did so much, well, _stupid_ stuff that I had to get rid of the idealised version of you I'd built up in my head. But I liked you anyway. I got over my hatred of Sasuke, I started actually being nice to people...these last few months have been the best time of my life. I could never betray that. Which is why I'm here."

She reached around her neck, and pulled her leaf forehead protector from around her neck.

"You didn't have that while we were fighting." Naruto noticed.

She shook her head. "I didn't. This here is the real one. I...couldn't bring myself to cut it."

"You left a shadow clone behind to give me a present?" Naruto looked at her, dubiously.

"I left a shadow clone behind to make a promise, and ask a favour." Hinata countered. She held it out to him. "Please, take this. Keep it for me. That's the favour. Because the promise is that after I'm done with Orochimaru, done with Neji, I'll come back. And I'll wear it again."

"You think Tsuande'll let you back after this?" Naruto snorted.

"With my eyes? There'll probably be a welcome party." Hinata chuckled.

Naruto looked in her eyes. "You're coming back?"

"I am."

"You swear?"

"On everything I've ever cared about."

And what else was there?

Naruto reached forwards and grasped the forehead protector. "You know coming back means you have to survive, right?"

"I'll do my best."

"Good. Can I crash in your compound?"

"The key's under the potted plant."

"Got it."

She tilted her head. "You...you're actually okay with this?"

"Not _okay_ , but...You're my teammate."

Hinata's shoulders shook. "You...I do not deserve you."

Naruto scratched the back of his neck. "Aww, come on. Hinata, I...I think I...well. Good luck."

"Thanks. You too." She released the headband. Then, before he could react, darted forwards and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Whu-"

She swayed back with a grin. "Hinata Prime is going to be so angry I stole that from her. Catch you later, future Hokage." She put her fingers together, and vanished in a puff of smoke.

And Naruto was alone in the street again.

Off in the distance, he heard the hooting of owls.

"Left a shadow clone, huh?"

He felt a little like he should be crying, falling into the dark hole of despair he'd teetered on many times during his childhood. But as he looked down at Hinata's headband, strangely, all he could feel was a _laugh_ bubbling up, and a few seconds later he was guffawing in the street without a care for who might be listening.

"You-hah, beat me, with _half your chakra_! Ahahaha!"

He shook his head, grinning, and tied Hinata's headband around his arm. Then he summoned a few shadow clones. "Alright maggots! Hinata's about to get a buttload more powerful and I'm not about to get left behind! Are any of you pansies tired?"

" _NO SIR!_ "

"Then let's get training, people! We're burning moonlight!"

* * *

Orochimaru sat in his chair and waited. Absentmindedly, he flexed his fingers, getting used to their size and weight. He hadn't had the time to restructure the new body to his liking. Not that it would ever really meet his expectations; the main object of his attention was the girl about to walk through the door. And due to her eyes, there wasn't much point in putting up a genjutsu to disguise his new form. Grimacing a little, he prepared to receive her. Wondering what kind heartless girl would try to kill her own teammate in the chunin exams, stalemate professionals with decades of experience in court, abandon her own village just for a chance to-

"Hi!" Hyuuga Hinata skipped ( _skipped_ ) into his room, with a flabbergasted Kabuto trailing after her.

"I found her-, well, she found _me_ some distance past the valley of the End." The blue haired teen explained.

Hinata looked at Orochimaru and frowned. "You...look different to how I remember."

"I was having some trouble in the arm department, so I got new ones." He explained. "You, however, look much the same."

"Why thank you!" She giggled, ( _giggled_ ) "I had to lose my coat on the way out though; it's kinda cold in here, do you have a wardrobe I could..?"

"I'm sure I can accommodate your fashion sense." Orochimaru demurred, reevaluating very rapidly. "May I ask what happened to the escort I sent with you?"

"Oh those?" Hinata shrugged. "They're all dead or captured."

Orochimaru blinked in surprise. "All?"

"All." She confirmed. "They got in the way of my teammates. The twins and the archer didn't make it out of the village, I don't even know what happened to the other two."

"Kimimaro-"

"Fought _Sasuke_. I'm reasonably confident of his destruction." She replied, easily. "I was forced to stop Naruto in his Kyuubi form myself, you really ought to hire better subordinates."

Kabuto shuffled behind them, feeling his rasengan wound.

"You have an awfully high opinion of your old teammates." Orochimaru probed, raising an eyebrow.

"Bright rays of competence and power, much different from the _cesspool_ of a village surrounding them." She described, and _there_ was the venom he'd expected. "I will not have them insulted."

"But of course, I understand." He smiled, standing. "I would be quite put out by insults against my own ex-teammates, foolish as they are. So, Hyuuga Hinata. Why are you here?"

"My cousin, Hyuuga Neji, has cast off the caged bird seal and slaughtered the rest of my clan." She vocalised. "I desire the power to kill him. I would like you to help me achieve that power, and I am willing to offer my services for the duration of my training." She not so subtlety eyed the direction she came from. "From the looks of things, you could certainly use some more competent fighters..."

Orochimaru clapped his hands. "A silver tongue, just like your cousin! I hope you and I get along better than he and I did."

"What happened?"

"We tried to kill each other."

"Ah, I see."

Orochimaru put a hand to his chest. "So let's hope the same doesn't happen here, it would be a massive waste of potential. Miss Hinata, I accept your proposal."

"Thank you!" The smile was back. "You won't regret this! I hope we can all be friends."

"I hope so too." _I'm so getting that body._ "Now, as a bit of an introductory tidbit, I have something you might want to know about your cousin. I'm sure it will be some relief that when Neji killed your clan, he did _not_ manage to do so with nothing but an abundance of skill and genius."

"Oh?"

"Oh yes."

He sat back down, looked at her, and smiled. "Let me tell you a story about a little something that roughly translates from old sage scripts as the perfect white eye. The Gokei Byakugan."

* * *

The fifth hokage, Senju Tsunade, sat at her desk in the Hokage tower. The endless stack of paperwork in front of her was temporarily forgotten, as she leaned back in her chair with a glass of sake in her hand. Her guard had been dismissed; as far as anyone could tell she was alone in the room. "You've got a lot of nerve." She said, softly.

"Sorry." Said the voice.

"Are you?"

"...No."

"Yeah, figures." Tsunade took a sip. "There were a few of these missions during the war. They're the stupid kind that go horribly wrong and get people killed. You should have at the very least come to me first."

"Would you have cleared it?"

"...No."

"Yeah, figures."

"Oh sure, feel free to sass me now you're miles away." The Hokage sighed. "Hinata, why did I get a feeling this would happen."

After a moment, the Hyuuga girl (or her clone, to be more precise) dropped out of the shadows and walked in front of the desk.

"Well, I understand I don't exactly give off vibes of stability."

"Or sanity."

"Hn." She met Tsunade's eyes. "I'm doing this whether you like it or not. All you can decide is what the hidden Leaf gains from it."

"Brat." The Hokage shook her head. "This isn't the sort of decision I can justify to the council, because it's completely insane. Fortunately, I don't have to; black ops like this happen all the time. How do you plan to communicate?"

Hinata pointed to herself. "I can receive memories from the original, and send them, through strategic popping. This clone string will last a few weeks, probably, and I'll try and send off more in the future. And since you have me for a while, you can instruct me about the usual dead drops et al the other infiltrators use."

"You are aware that if you're caught, you'll have no backup, no extraction."

"I am."

"Have you told your teammates about this?"

Hinata opened her mouth. Closed it.

"I see."

"Naruto knows I plan to come back, and he'll tell Sasuke. But not about this. What do you think they'd do?"

"Fair point." Tsunade allowed. "But a word of more personal advice: Secrets can ruin teams. Along with war, murder, experimenting on children, and cursed mementos. Did you try to give your teammates a family necklace by any chance?"

"I gave Naruto my headband."

"Oh Kami..." Tsunade shook her head and chuckled. "Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but Orochimaru, you'd better be nice to this girl."

"...are you reminiscing?"

" _No_." Tsunade straightened. "Alright then, let's make this as official as illegal ops can be.

Chu-Oh screw it, field promotion. Jonin Hinata; you are hereby undertaking the S rank mission to infiltrate Orochimaru's cadre, and discover and report information on both his operations, and those of the Akatsuki."

Hinata kneeled.

"Of course, Lady Hokage."

She turned to leave.

"Rochi likes animals, and he feels bad when he kills them." Tsunade called over her shoulder. "Learn the names of his snakes and laugh at his bad jokes."

"Yes ma'am." Hinata chuckled, before vanishing.

* * *

 **Two Days Before**

"That is your plan?" Forsooth looked at Hinata, aghast. "That's your genius plan tooo become more powerful without betraying your team? Defect tooo a terrorist and then _come back afterwards?_ "

Hinata picked idly at the grass of the planetoid beneath her. "Well obviously I'm going to kill Orochimaru afterwards. This is all assuming that he _does_ want to recruit me, which is what I suspect from the cursemark's presence. If all goes well I get more powerful, murder two dangerous missing-nin, including my cousin, and get back to Konoha within a few years."

" _Or die trying!_ " Forsooth snapped at her. "My Lady, I cannot possibly object in stronger terms tooo this idea. Leaving yourself so completely-"

"Enough, Forsooth." Athena, stood on a lower planetoid, interrupted her subordinate. "Hinata raises some valid points."

" _Raises-"_ Forsooth froze, turning his head between them. "You're considering this. Lady Athena, surely yooou realise this is madness!"

"Remember your place." The older owl chastised him. "We cannot command those who we make contracts with. Merely offer advice, and if necessary, withhold support."

"Then our advice should be-"

"Hinata is right about many points." Athena ignored him, turning to the human present. "You may not be able to overcome Neji from Konoha. May I remind you that you do not _need_ to? I truly believe you could learn to be happy without hunting him."

"Perhaps." Hinata admitted. "But I want my justice. And you want your answers."

"Hm. I do." Athena turned her head. Icarus' form was visible in the far distance. "Very well. You have the owls' support in this endeavour."

" _My Lady-_ "

" _Enough,_ Forsooth. My word is final."

Hinata bowed, and turned to go.

"Your teammates." Athena said, stopping her. "They may not forgive you for this."

Hinata smiled. "They would be right not to. But somehow...I think they might."

* * *

 **Present Day**

"You're leaving."

"Yeah."

"Right now."

"Yeeeeah..."

Sasuke looked at Naruto, focusing on the duffel bag over his shoulder and the archway behind him. "Well at least you're not off to go live with a sannin of questionable sanity. Oh, wait."

"Hey, have I ever given you any reason to doubt me?" Jiraiya walked up behind Naruto, putting his hand on his chest as though offended. "The audacity!"

"You got back yesterday!" Sasuke ignored the old man. "If it were anyone else I'd be questioning whether they could still walk after that beating."

"Yeah, but, it's me?" Naruto spread his arms. When Sasuke looked unimpressed, he sighed and dropped them. "Look, I know, okay? But Jiraiya says he has stuff to teach me. And I can't let Hinata pull ahead of me while she's off with Orochimaru."

"No, I get you." Sasuke sighed. "Itachi says he plans to take me on more missions with him, out as a duo for months at a time, plus there's some...Uchiha stuff we need to talk about together. It's crazy; ninja stuff with Itachi has been my dream for years, and now all I care about is how strong it's going to make me for when we all get back together."

They both heard Jiraiya chuckling from beside them, and turned to give him questioning looks. "Nothing." The sannin waved. "Nostalgia, is all. How's the trap?"

"Pretty sure that's a slur now." Naruto frowned.

"Really? Why? Is he an actual-"

"No he still identifies as a guy, it's just-" Naruto shook his head, "Whatever. I think Haku's moved in with Tsunade? Getting some Hokage tutoring, go him."

"So I'm the only one who doesn't get a sannin? Great." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"You saying your brother _isn't_ better?"

"Don't put words in my mouth."

"Alright lovebirds, have your moment, then let's get on the way." Jiraiya called, shaking his head in amusement before turning to adjust his own pack.

Naruto and Sasuke paused to look at each other, before walking forwards to wrap each other in a hug.

"Don't die." Sasuke reminded him.

"You too." Naruto replied.

"It's 'you neither.' Grammar is important."

"Sasuke, take one look at me and ask me if I went to actual school."

"Fair enough." Sasuke didn't let go.

Naruto wriggled, then snorted. "What, afraid I'll leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?"

"I'd rather kiss a bijuu."

"I can arrange that!"

Sasuke shoved him off and laughed. "Go, asshole. You better be stronger by the time you get back."

Naruto started backing up and waving. "You too, Sass-Gay!"

"That's childish! And homophobic!"

"You have _not_ gone through any character development, don't pull that!"

"I've gone through hella character development! You're the one who-!"

It was another few minutes of insults before Jiraiya was able to pull Naruto by the scruff of his neck through Konoha's main entrance, at which point the two laughing best friends finally parted ways.

One back into the familiar, one into the unknown.

Both with light hearts, a goal in mind, and most importantly of all:

A whole lot of ass to kick.

* * *

In a dark cave, there stood ten figures with forms that flashed with starlight.

"So, to recap, Orochimaru continues to do whatever the hell he wants." Pain confirmed.

"It seems so." Neji reported. "Konoha is in absolute chaos right now, and all because he, well, sort of felt like it. Guess he just wanted to test his power?"

"That's a terrible reason for a massacre." Konan frowned. "Who would believe anyone would kill so many people for such a silly reason?"

"I _know_ ; right!" Neji said, very loudly. Everyone stopped and looked at him. He coughed. "Sorry, just, had a point proven. But yeah Tsunade's the Hokage now, the nine-tails has vanished with Jiraiya and my cousin has left to join the snake guy."

"What's with him and orphan children..." Kisame shook his head.

"So, what's the plan?" Deidara asked, impatiently. "We not gonna go after the jinchurikki?"

"I counsel patience." Neji advised. "Suna and Konoha are kicked hornets' nests at the moment, the Ichibi's well protected, the Kyuubi's gone, Killer B is still Killer B and we haven't got a clue about two through seven. We should wait and watch."

"Agreed." Agreed Sasori. "If we go off half cocked we could wind up stuck, and exposed. We need to gather reconnaissance."

Kakuzu looked at him suspiciously. "Are you saying we need a four year timeskip-"

"We need a four year timeskip."

There was a chorus of groans.

Hidan shrugged. "Aaight. Doesn't matter to me, I'm immortal."

Tobi continued to nod his head, in what could be considered agreement, but what was actually just him listening to music.

"Very well." Pain decided, after looking at all the members. "It's decided. We will wait. We will watch. And when the time comes...

The world shall know Pain."

...

"Your catchphrase is stupid."

"Fuck off Tobi your mask is stupid."

"You take that _back_ -"

* * *

 **Well Holy Shit.**

 **It has been almost a year since I started this thing, and we're at the end of part one. I'm both staggered by how long it's taken and amazed at the sheer amount of words I've been able to shit out.**

 **Like, no really. I've never written this fast in my life.**

 **I've received a lot of comments about how Hinata's journey is basically just Sasuke's journey with a reskin. And to be honest...yeah kinda. The whole point of this story is 'what if Hinata was put in the same situation as Sasuke was in canon' and what I think would have transpired because of it. I've tried to add lots of butterfly effect style divergences in places, lord knows I don't want this to get boring, but there's bound to be mirroring. In this case, it's Hinata joining Orochimaru instead, but with a very different mindset.**

 **Trust me, I have a lot of new stuff planned for Shippuden (and oh yeah, we're _doing_ shippuden) that I think will surprise you.**

 **Before that, though, you've got three chapters worth of interim to sit through.**

 **Yeah, sorry. It's a bit of a training montage-slash-setting up the rest of the fic-slash-character building thing I needed to get said.**

 **And I've got exams starting monday that'll last over a month, so I can't exactly get much new content out. We're still working through my gradually dwindling backlog, but chill, you've got like 14 more weeks of chapters guaranteed. Plus after exams is summer, so I'll have plenty of time to get the words down. Odds are I'll be done writing by christmas, though it might take longer than that to release it. I've got a schedule going, not gonna break that now.**

 **Anyway, hope you've enjoyed so far. And if you're up for more action, headcannon, edge, alterations, memes and other wacky silliness?**

 **Then stay tuned, dear readers. Stay tuned.**


	45. Training Montage 6: Brand New High Risk

**Warning: These interludes are going to contain a fuckton of exposition. I'm sorry. It's either canon, my interpretation of canon, or headcanon that I'll be sticking to for plot reasons so don't dm me.**

 **Training Montage #6: Brand New High Risk Superpowers**

* * *

In the distance, the sun rose over some mountain or another, reflecting off a nearby lake. Fresh dew was on the ground, wind whistled through some trees, a river ran through the terrain.

An artist could stare at a view like this for hours, mesmerised by the beauty of nature.

"This is boring as shit." Remarked Uzumaki Naruto.

"Oh I agree." Jiraiya of the Sannin responded, walking up behind him. "But that makes it perfect."

The two were saddled up with camping gear; or at least Jiraiya was. Naruto had dumped all his on shadow clones not two hours after leaving Konoha and didn't seem to have changed policy anytime in the following two weeks. "Perfect? Perfect how?"

"Perfect because, other than us, there is not another human being in the surrounding four hundred miles." Jiraiya explained. "Which means you're probably not going to accidentally kill anyone."

"Uh..."

Jiraiya dumped his gear onto one of the clones, which it grumbled at but allowed.

"Naruto we are on a training trip. A three-to-four year timeskip ridden training trip. Which means we have two main objectives. Number one; get your base form strong enough that the Akatsuki don't all stomp you immediately. Number two-" He fished a coin out of his pocket. "Heads is sage mode, tails is tailed beast." He flipped the coin. It came up tails. "Alright. Number two is teaching you how to use your bijuu."

"You rigged that coin toss, didn't you." Naruto deadpanned. Then he caught up with what had been said. "Wait, _use_ my bijuu? Are you insane?"

"You're lucky." Jiraiya explained. "Because your seal is so damn good you've had very limited contact with the Nine-tails except in emergencies. But most of the other jinchurikki have had to find a compromise of some kind with their tenants. The Ichibi protected Gaara and gave him power, in exchange for Gaara brutally murdering people to entertain it."

Naruto gaped. "Wait, Gaara did _what_ -"

"He seems better now, it's cool." Jiraiya dismissed. "A better example is B."

"Like the stripy insect?"

"Like the letter. He's the eight-tails' jinchurikki, the second most powerful, and he lives in Lightning country. B and his bijuu have a frankly astounding level of co-operation, presumably because the Hachibi is known to be the most passive of the bijuu. Except maybe the Sanbi, who by all accounts is a massive pussy. Not to be confused with the Nibi, who is _literally_ a massive pussy."

"You've lost me." Naruto confessed.

"The nine tails is a threat." Jiraiya summarised. "It's a murderer. From all records it's the most vicious and confrontational of all the nine. But it's also the strongest. And if you can get through to it, it might be your biggest combat asset."

"You want me to talk to it. And ask it to help me fight." Naruto shook his head rapidly. "Nuh-uh. Remember that time it almost made me kill people? Or that other time it also made me kill people?"

"Remember that time it helped you summon two of the strongest toads so you could fight Gaara?" Jiraiya retorted.

"It tried to _kill_ Gaara."

"And you stopped it. I'm not sure if it's the seal or pure willpower, but you've got more control over it than any nine-tails jinchurikki I've ever heard of. Even your mother."

"So you want me to, what, make a deal with it?" Naruto wrinkled his nose.

"I want you to open communication." Jiraiya pacified. "It's already proven its willing to help you if you're going to die, so it may be willing to provide power a little more reliably. And if it won't, well, there's nobody who'll die in a crazy bijuu rampage except me."

"Reassuring."

"Now you're starting to sound like Sasuke."

"Eugh!" Naruto shuddered. "Fine then. I'm sure there's no way this can go wrong..."

* * *

In the distance, the sun rose over a nearby mountain, dappling through the gaps between the leaves. It was long miles from Konoha; and Itachi had set ten shadow clones on watch around the surrounding ten kilometres.

"Whatever this is it had better be good." Sasuke said, coming to a stop in the clearing his brother indicated.

"It's good." Itachi replied. "Or, well, it's not _good,_ but it merits the effort."

He walked up to a tree. With a blur, there was only half a tree left. "I need to teach you about the ultimate weapon in an Uchiha's arsenal. The strongest, and the costliest, in more ways than one." He sat down on the stump, looking at his younger brother. All traces of the playful jokester were gone; Itachi's eyes were dark and hard. "If I may. Before you went to fight Kimimaro, you saw something, didn't you? Something that hurt?"

Sasuke nodded, slowly. "Kidomaru, the spider guy? He said that the mind awakening pills worked by killing the one who took them, and nine times out of ten they don't come back. I watched Hinata take one and collapse."

"I thought so." Itachi held out his hands and gave one resounding clap. "I'd like to congratulate you on exploiting the jammiest loophole in dojutsu history."

Sasuke blinked. "Uh...the what?"

"The Uchiha's eye is an eye of pain." Itachi extrapolated. "The Sharingan can be developed through practice, but it grows fastest and strongest through suffering; the kind of suffering that would make you cry. Literally, we believe. But what you have, and what I have, is something that extols an even heavier price."

His eyes swirled, and again took on that strange pattern. "The kaleidoscope copy wheel eye; the Mangekyo Sharingan."

* * *

In the distance, the sun was probably rising over something or other, but Hinata couldn't tell because she was underground.

"The _what_ Byakugan?" She asked Orochimaru.

"I imagine this is going to require a bit of exposition." The snake sannin leaned backwards. "What do you know about the sage of six paths?"

"Incredibly powerful ninja legend." Hinata recalled. "Created the nine bijuu, progenitor of ninjutsu, probably doesn't exist."

"Ah, but he probably does." Orochimaru grinned. "And the brother he supposedly has is also probably real. Have you ever heard of the diverging bloodlines theory?"

"No."

"Didn't think so, I came up with it. The theory goes that all bloodline limits of all kinds are caused by the diluted and varied genetics of the sage and his brother. Distant familial relations, going back hundreds or thousands of years. The strongest or purest bloodline descended from the _sage_ is the Uchiha's, and perhaps the Senju's. And the strongest descendants of the sage's brother are the Hyuuga. In fact, I think you and poor Kimimaro may have a common ancestor if you look back far enough."

"Is there any evidence?" Hinata asked, dubiously.

"Some." Orochimaru replied. "But I also have a theory that most of the sage's descendants live on the moon, so take what I say with a grain of salt. The point is that the Sharingan and Byakugan are linked more closely than you might imagine. Both ocular bloodlines, both with power sets designed specifically to counter each other...and both with the ability to evolve. Improve. This is no theory; your much beloved cousin also has access to it. He nearly killed me with it, in fact, and while he was very reticent about it during our joint time at the Akatsuki, I have gleaned some information from him."

"It's that powerful?"

"Exceedingly so."

"And I can unlock it?"

Orochimaru grinned. "I certainly hope so my dear."

Hinata nodded. "Tell me everything you know."

* * *

They chose a certain valley as the location to make first contact. Naruto attempted to make a traditional meditation pose, but eventually got uncomfortable, gave up, and wound up slouched against a boulder. Jiraiya had moved out of sight to 'give him space to think', though Naruto had a sneaking suspicion it was more like retreating to minimum safe distance.

Sighing, he closed his eyes.

He had made out to Jiraiya as one of his excuses that he had no idea how to contact the nine tails, but in reality he knew damn well how to access the chakra. It was like...a coiled red ball of energy, right in his gut, behind the seal that Jiraiya had shown him. Sometimes it was quiet, sometimes it broiled like it was trying to burst out of him, but it was always there, just at the edge of his attention.

And it terrified him.

Every time he let it out, it was like opening floodgates that were incredibly difficult to close up again. He had channelled its power as intended _once_ , when he had summoned Gamahiro and Gamaken, and even then it had hardly even made a _dent_ in the amount available to him. It had felt like he could have summoned the whole of mount Myoboku if he'd wanted to.

And now Jiraiya wanted him to make friends with the thing.

Great.

Flinching a little, he reached out with his chakra for the ball of power...and gave it a little nudge.

There was a flash, and his trousers were wet.

"Eurgh!" He jumped up, shuddering on reflex, before realising he was _not_ outside in the glade anymore.

A steady trickle of water ran in an aqueduct along the floor, which he quickly hopped out of, but everything else was made out of stone brick. It was lit yellow, dimly, with no real visible light source, and in front of him it stretched out for an indeterminate distance. It looked like a sewer. It _smelled_ like a sewer.

"This place is nasty." He remarked, wrinkling his nose up at it.

That was when he heard a dark, ominous chuckling from behind him. " **You agree? Strange. It's your mind, after all.** "

Naruto gulped, and turned around. Thick red columns bisected the tunnel in that direction. Far enough apart that he could fit between them with no issue, with a sticky note that had 'lock' scribbled on it pasted onto the central pillar.

Something big stirred behind the bars.

Naruto slowly edged forwards. "Look, if someone had put me in charge of interior design, this place would look way cooler. I'm talking lava, cliffs, floating waterfalls, ramen shops."

" **You _are_** **in charge of interior design.** " The voice replied, boredly. " **You just haven't bothered. A sewer in your mindscape is a big indicator of mental neglect**."

"Yeah well if anyone had-" Naruto paused. "Hey! You're insulting me!"

It started laughing again.

There was a loud booming noise, and two large, red, furred claws gripped two of the bars. **"Well, glad to see the standards for my jinchurikki have dropped over time. Insulted, but glad."**

Two red eyes appeared, as its face came into view. **"After all, that should make it easier to take over and kill you."**

"Kyuubi." Naruto responded, as if there was any doubt.

 **"Kit."** Grinned the nine tails fox. **"So _good_ to finally meet you."**

"...Well you're kinda bland."

 **"You...what?"**

Naruto squinted up at his face. "I mean, like, you're literally just a fox with nine tails. That's it. Shukaku was way cooler."

 **"What? No way! Shukaku is a punk bitch!"** Kyuubi snarled.

"Yeah but he's got those cool blue tattoos everywhere and he's, like, made of sand which is cool."

 **"Giant foxes are way cooler than sand tanooki!"**

"Well you're red, which _is_ cool, and I guess you've got those black markings on your face, but that's, like, it. Jiraiya says the two tails is made of blue fire, and that's _awesome_ , but what have you got? Fur."

 **"Matatabi's not even hot!"**

"Ooh, steamy inter-bijuu attractions, hmm?" Naruto hopped closer. "Come on then, who's the prettiest tailed beast? Gimme a top nine."

 **" _I'm_ the prettiest-" **The fox froze. Looked down at him. **"You're mocking me, aren't you."**

"And you've just shown me that you are not, in fact, a soulless remorseless killing machine." Naruto beamed. "That should make this way easier."

Kyuubi glared down at him. **"...Yeah we're done here."**

There was a jolt, and Naruto found himself back in the clearing again. He grinned. "Hey, uncle pervert! You will not believe what just happened!"

* * *

"So it does have a name." Sasuke continued to stare into Itachi's eyes. "What do you mean 'heavier price'?"

"It's part of why I didn't want you to go to any of the other clan members with this." His older brother explained. "In order to evolve the Sharingan into the Mangekyo, you must witness someone you care about die, and believe yourself responsible. For me, that was Uchiha Shisui. For you, it seems, that was Hyuuga Hinata."

"That's...awful." Sasuke shuddered. "But why shouldn't I take it to the rest of the clan? Surely they wouldn't hate it _that much_ that I cared about Hinata?"

"Because we are both anomalies in the system." Itachi responded. "We both developed our eyes by accident. The clan believes that attaining the Mangekyo is a deliberate act; and there is only one way to bring it about deliberately."

"They think you have to _kill someone you love_?" Sasuke was horrified. "That's...oh. They think _you_ killed Shisui." Itachi nodded. "Alright, I see why it should be a secret. Wait, do any of the others-"

"If there are any Uchiha alive with the Mangekyo, I don't know about them." Itachi answered. "Before the wars, the murdering of brothers, sisters and spouses was painfully common, apparently. But those outsiders in the know hunted them down specifically, knowing their power. Nowadays the knowledge of the Mangekyo is hidden, and the practice is forbidden."

"So...what does it do?" Sasuke couldn't help but ask. "For it to require that much...it's got to be something-"

"Broken." Itachi agreed. "Busted. God tier. OP. If it gets out that you have this you're going to be somewhere on the front page of the bingo book. Allow me to demonstrate." He kicked himself up and turned around to face the stump. " _Amaterasu_."

With very little pomp or ceremony, the stump set on fire. Black flames covered the entire thing, quickly consuming it and leaving nothing but ash.

"Is this what you did to Kimimaro?" Itachi checked.

Sasuke nodded, mutely.

"This is Amaterasu. The pinnacle of fire release. It allows you to immediately set fire to anything in your focal point; no charge up time, no travel time. The black fire will catch and burn almost anything, and will keep burning on the anything's remains for a full week unless you dispel it. You can _theoretically_ miss if you can't keep track of the anything you're targeting, but, well,"

"I have the Sharingan, which basically lets me see in slow motion." Sasuke finished. _Kami above that's broken_. "You burned your chair."

There was a flicker, and the stump was back to normal, Itachi sitting back down.

It took Sasuke another second to catch it. "That was a genjutsu?"

"I will not use my powers so trivially, for reasons I'll explain later. One of my eyes holds Amaterasu, but my second holds Tsukiyomi. It is a genjutsu that requires actual eye contact, and it allows me to cause any illusion of any complexity for two seconds. I can make those two seconds be perceived for up to seventy two hours by the victim. There is no way to escape it once it has been cast, that I know of, though it's possible someone else with the Mangekyo could resist it. I don't believe I need to demonstrate that one."

"Do I have it?" Sasuke asked, trying not to drool.

"Perhaps." Itachi looked down. "I don't have all the answers. Mangekyo powers are similar between close family members, but not identical. You may have something different, but don't worry, all the other abilities I know of are similarly ridiculous. Of course, once you have unlocked the power in each of your eyes, you get the Susanno."

"The whaaaaaaaoh. Oh."

The fact that this was probably an illusion was the only thing that stopped Sasuke running away.

Itachi stood wreathed in a gigantic, glowing, orange skeleton.

"He who has the ability to help by all means." Itachi translated. "This is one of the few things that can block Amaterasu, though since it's transparent Tsukiyomi can hit you through it. It's a nigh impenetrable armour with multiple stages of evolution and increasing strength as you practice with it. And yes, you can cast other jutsu from inside of it."

"Put it away, please." Sasuke said, looking up at the skeleton's head. It seemed to be glaring at him.

Then there was a blur, and it vanished.

"If I may." Sasuke started, unsure how to phrase it, "How come the Uchiha haven't already, you know, taken over the entire world?"

"The Mangekyo cannot be used without consequence." Itachi explained. "And this is the part you must know before taking these abilities out into combat. Your use of them is limited. Every time you cast a Mangekyo technique your eyes are _permanently_ damaged. Each use will bring you closer and closer to blindness, and once blind, all use of the Sharingan will be lost to you. It's worse if you use them multiple times in succession, even worse if you combine different powers together. Also they're all incredibly chakra intensive and hurt like a bitch."

"How many uses do I have?" Sasuke asked, worried.

"My uses of each technique are in the high single digits." Itachi replied, after some thought. "I have already noticed significant deterioration."

"Fuck." Sasuke summarised.

"Fuck." Itachi agreed.

Some levity returned to the clearing, and Sasuke allowed himself to relax. "So what now?"

"Now I train you." Itachi hopped back off the stump. "We try to unlock whatever's in your other eye. We practice Amaterasu until you're certain you can bring it out reliably. We try and get you access to the Susanno, and then you _stop_ using them all until you're genuinely about to die." He paused, then walked up and put a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "This ability will allow you to contend with some of the most dangerous individuals in the ninja world. But if you start punching above your weight just because you have a panic button you're going to get yourself killed. Please, try not to do anything... _stupid_."

Sasuke looked up at him and nodded, solemnly. "I won't."

"Great. Now say that without your fingers crossed."

"Ugh, fine. I'll _try_."

* * *

"First." Orochimaru said. "From my contacts in Konoha. I know that through killing a loved one, the Sharingan can be evolved into the Mangekyo Sharingan. This gives it greater ocular strength, two unique abilities that vary from person to person, and a powerful new form, the use of which gradually harms the user. It is possessed by my contact, one other I don't think I'll share, and Uchiha Itachi."

Second. From my time knowing Neji. He possesses an evolved form of the Byakugan he calls the Gokei.

Third. From you." He smiled at Hinata. "I don't suppose you know anything about his arsenal that I don't?"

She nodded, slowly. "Neji came into Konoha looking for Naruto a month or so ago, and got into a fight with Itachi. He used something called the Kokosora to put Itachi in a coma. He did something with white armour that let him resist one of Itachi's attacks, and he had something called the Hiragekoma that let him access the Hyuuga vaults, and remove Sasuke's cursemark."

"He _removed_ my-" Orochimaru stopped, and breathed in. "Well, that makes sense. He claimed he had an easy method of separating a jinchurikki from their bijuu. We may be talking about the same power."

"So, two powers and a stronger form." Hinata understood. "I see the links. Do you think I'll also have to kill a loved one? Because I'm quite low on options for that."

"Possibly, but I doubt it." Decided Orochimaru. "The Byakugan is like the yin to the Sharingan's yang. If anything, your activation method is probably the opposite."

"So..." _To spare an enemy?_ "What?"

"I don't know. But for that, you have me." Orochimaru told her. "I'm a scientist, dear. If there are chemical reasons behind the change, and you're willing to provide a few harmless samples, then I should be able to find it. From there will we get our answers. And hopefully, you can get the power yourself."

"Training and a dojutsu improvement?" Hinata smiled. "And all you want out of it is my service?"

"Oh I think I'll be quite satisfied." The snake replied, unsubtlely. "Now then. I imagine you need some sleep? I'll have Kabuto pick you a room. Though I imagine we'll have to move soon, given several of my soldiers that know about this base have been _captured_..."

* * *

 **Yeet.**

 **Exams are a fucking nightmare and I've only had 2 this week. I had one Ffriday and I literally had no idea about half the course until Wednesday morning. Cramming may be bad, but it's necessary when you're taking four subjects with little to no overlap.**

 **Our three heroes get a bit of an intro to the new skills they're going to spend this timeskip working on. In the next few chapters, though, you can expect segments from Haku, Gaara, etc.**


	46. Training Montage 7: Co-Operation

**Training Montage #7: The Importance of Co-Operation**

* * *

Orochimaru sipped his tea, reading the morning paper.

Kabuto was buttering some toast across from him.

From down the hall somewhere, there was a loud shriek that permeated the entire hideout.

A few minutes later, a sopping wet and livid Hinata (covered entirely insufficiently by a towel) stormed in and slammed a pulverised hidden-swamp-boa down on the table.

"If I find." She hissed. "Any more _snakes_ in my _shower_ , then they will find themselves _eaten_ by _owls_."

She grabbed Kabuto's toast out of his hands, jammed it in her mouth, and stalked off.

Kabuto grabbed another slice of bread. "She'll get used to it." He remarked.

"You did." Orochimaru agreed, taking another sip.

* * *

Water dripped slowly from the roof of the cave, collecting in a small pool on the floor. Down here, dozens of metres from the surface, was one of few places in Suna where natural water even appeared, and as it was a room appropriated for the Kazekage's use, it was the only place it was allowed to collect in such a useless manner.

Two boys sat by that pool, the air around them filled with sand particulates and hair-thin chakra strands.

"Is it working?" Gaara asked, carefully scrutinising the mechanism between them.

"Well I can't see anything, so not yet." Kankuro replied.

"Are you sure you can't simply use the third eye and make it float into your eye socket?" Gaara asked.

"Not unless I want to erode a hole in my skull." Kankuro explained. He had forsaken the tanooki suit he usually wore and was sat in casual civilian clothes. After the doctors had told him there was simply nothing they could do, he'd decided to keep the bandage across his eyes. 'Aesthetic', he'd told them. "Let's try again."

Gaara nodded. He carefully manipulated a small volume of sand from his gourd and poured it into the top of the simple puppet Kankuro had brought down for the exercise. It formed a perfect sphere. Kankuro reached out a set of chakra threads to animate the puppet, and more specifically the sand in its head. With one free hand, he began making seals.

After a few seconds, the strands tightened, and the sphere of sand changed colour to resemble an eye.

Kankuro gasped.

"Progress?" Gaara asked.

"It works!" The puppeteer grinned. Under his instruction, the puppet looked around between them. "Holy shit I can see! Oh, damn, I look like crap."

"I didn't want to bring it up." Gaara admitted. "It's the tiredness that does it. Do your nightmares continue?"

Kankuro grimaced, images of a pale boy darting forwards and slashing intruding again into his thoughts. "Yup. Hopefully now I have some new visual input they'll start to at least _vary_. How about you?"

"Now that I am able to sleep, my dreams are pleasant enough." Gaara replied. Kankuro knew that ever since his encounter with (and thorough beating from) the nine-tails, Shukaku had suddenly been more willing to cooperate with its owner.

"I'm sorry that I can't do more." Gaara spoke up, out of the blue, as Kankuro continued to take in his surroundings with the puppet.

"It's fine." He replied. "You've done lots. Teaching me your floaty-eye jutsu at all was more than I'd hoped."

"I'm trying to be better." The jinchurikki spoke up. "I don't...I'm trying to be kind."

"You're doing amazing, bro." Kankuro reassured. He turned around the puppet and grinned. "You do look stupid in that hat though."

Gaara tugged on his ceremonial garb with some distaste. "It is not very practical, no. But I am still the youngest Kage in Suna's history, so it's important to maintain some traditions."

"Heh." Kankuro chuckled. Then he turned his head down to the puppet. "I wonder if I can do this with something...bigger."

* * *

It was another few days before Naruto was able to get back in his mindscape. He'd tried to return immediately, but at first the Kyuubi had very clearly not wanted to talk. Eventually, though, the resistance lessened, and he was able to appear back in 'the dankroom'.

"Hey Kyuubi!" He shouted, to the bars. "You still there?"

 **"You again?"** The fox appeared behind the bars and looked down at him **. "Have you come to annoy me some more?"**

"No, actually." Naruto shifted. "I got kinda caught up in the moment, yesterday, but there was a reason I wanted to talk."

 **"Spill."**

"I want to be able to access your chakra in battle."

The nine tails looked at him for a moment. **"...No."**

There was a jolt, and Naruto was back in the clearing.

"...Asshole!"

* * *

Orochimaru was very surprised, when he walked down one morning to find Hinata holding out a bright green box with a pink ribbon tied on the top.

"What." He uttered.

"Happy birthday!" She said, with a smile.

"You-what?" Actually, now he thought about it, it _was_ that time of year. Huh. "Who told you my _birthday_?" He asked, aghast.

"I caught Lady Tsunade reminiscing about it one time before I left the village." Hinata admitted. "She also mentioned something you might like~"

Orochimaru laughed, derisively, even as he tore the box from her and began ripping the wrapping paper open. "That sentimental old goat. I bet she doesn't even remember what I- _oh my lord she does_." He yanked the contents free of their container.

"'Critters, creeps and crawly things, the official annual'?" Kabuto read, looking from across the room. Then, tilting his head, "Volumes twenty through thirty?"

"I got that book every year since it came out..." Orochimaru stroked the cover, lovingly.

"That is a childrens' book." Kabuto deadpanned.

"I mean if you don't like it-" Hinata reached out.

"No!" Orochimaru clutched them to his chest.

"Awesome!" Hinata clapped. "I'll get you the next decade's worth next year, I figured there would be a bit of a backlog to work through since that one time you betrayed everything you loved."

"Great for some." Kabuto grouched. "We don't all have birthdays."

"You don't-" Hinata rounded on him. "Alright, that's it, you're having a birthday. Is there any date you have a particular fondness for?"

"Um."

"It's a surprise then. Great! Sometime this year, Kabuto, you will have a birthday."

Kabuto shook his head in silent surrender.

"Excellent! Now then..." Hinata spun on Orochimaru. "Where were we on that two-thousand tortures jutsu?"

* * *

The next time Naruto was able to get into the mindscape, he stalked right up to the cage doors. "Hey, what the hell was that for?"

One large eye opened. **"Oh, you're back? Presumably got some other reason for trying to see me this time?"**

"No I'm still on about the power thing- _Don't_ kick me out again we're not done!"

 **"I think we're pretty done."**

"Nuh-uh!" Naruto pointed an accusatory finger. "You gave me power to fight Gaara, didn't you?"

 **"Alright, addendum."** Kyuubi held up a claw. **"You can have as much power as you want when it comes to beating up the other bijuu, but that's it."**

"Wait, really?" Naruto made a confused look. "Why?"

 **"Because I'm better than them."** The nine-tails explained. **"And I want them and everyone else to know that I'm better than them."**

"I mean surely you're only like, a _tiny fraction_ better than the eight tails, though." Naruto pointed out.

 **"Nope. Exponential."**

"Expa-who now?"

The fox sighed. **"Okay so there used to be the ten tails, and then that got split into the nine tailed beasts."**

"But if you add up one through nine you don't get ten."

 **"Yeah that's because the ten tails wasn't split evenly."** The fox explained. **"It had a fraction of its chakra split off (me) and then the same fraction was taken off what's left. Rinse and repeat until you just have a husk that you bury on the moon somewhere. I'm stronger than eight by the same ratio that eight is stronger than seven, and so on. Shukaku is nothing to me. I could beat up one through four without breaking a sweat."**

"You're probably dropping some incredibly important history right now, but I really don't care we're getting off track." Naruto dismissed. "You also gave me chakra when we fought on the bridge. Why was that?"

 **"You were about to die."** Kyuubi replied. **"And if you die I die, and if I die everything sucks for a decade or so while I reform."**

"Oh okay." Naruto blinked. "Wait. If you'll give me chakra when I'm about to die, why won't you just give me chakra anyway? That way I'm less likely to die!"

 **"Because."** Kyuubi huffed. **"Alright. Tell you what. You lay all your cards on the table, and I'll do the same with mine. Sound fair?"**

"Sure." Naruto thought about it. "Okay so I want to get Hinata back, and I want to become Hokage, and I want to save the world, I think. And to do those things I need to get more powerful. Accessing the chakra of the giant monster capable of beating up an entire village sounds like a good way to do that, but I'm being kinda bogged down by (a) I don't want you to break out and kill everyone I've ever loved, and (b) I'm kinda iffy on using the power of the monster that, well, broke out and destroyed a whole village and killed the fourth Hokage and presumably also my parents. I guess ideally we could be friends and you could apologise and be redeemed and we'd work together?"

 **"Wow."** The ninetails shook its head. **"That is the most idealistic blathering I've heard since the damn Senju that sealed me away the first time...alright, cards on the table. I absolutely fucking hate you. And it's not your fault, really, it's more because I have been stuck in your Idiotic Useless _Child_ body for the last thirteen years in this _damn_ cell without even enough influence to _talk_ to anyone." **It inhaled. Naruto was left completely nonplussed.

 **"Now your father literally sacrificed his soul to death itself to seal me into you, which means he got to make the seal however he wants. If he'd wanted I could have been stuck in here until you died and you'd have never noticed me. But, he wanted you protected. So he put a little loophole in the seal that meant that giving you my chakra would weaken it, and allow me to gradually give you more chakra. Eventually I'd be able to speak to you, try and influence you, and hopefully break the seal altogether."** It folded its paws in front of itself and rested its head on them. **"My main goal is to get out of you, plain and simple. If you're forced to desperately beg for help on deaths door, it lets me flood you with power, and put more cracks in the seal than if I slowly feed it to you in a nice controlled manner. Also I have no interest in co-operating with you. Because I hate you. So like I said, we're done here."**

There was a jolt, and Naruto was back in the clearing.

* * *

The glade was silent, with the exception of the regular thunking of blade into wood, and the clanging of metal on metal. It's lone occupant had given himself a foot square within which he could move, and a foot square target he could aim for, and was trying to pepper every tree nearby with ricocheted kunai. He was about halfway done when he noticed someone approach, and lean against a nearby tree.

"If you stand there for much longer, I'm going to impale you." Uchiha Sasuke said, with a level voice.

"Not at that angle you won't." Replied the newcomer. "The trick is to use your upper arm more, lets you get a greater spin."

Sasuke tried it, launching two kunai forwards, and was able to get a deflection so that one of them bounced almost 180 degrees backwards.

Uchiha Fugaku caught it before it could pierce his skull. "Not bad, son. I see Itachi has been teaching you well."

"Father." Sasuke turned to face him. "It's...good to see you?"

"Likewise, even f you were being sarcastic." Fugaku replied, pushing himself off the tree and walking forwards. "I came to congratulate you on your performance in the Kage discussions a few months ago."

"The discussions where I was diametrically opposed to you?" Sasuke replied, confused.

"Those ones." Fugaku replied. "You performed very well under pressure and showed great creativity and charisma, even if you were playing second fiddle somewhat to the Hyuuga."

Sasuke wanted to object to his father's dismissal of his teammate, but didn't really have much of an argument. Officially she _had_ betrayed the village. "You didn't seem too happy with me at the time."

"Make no mistake, I have great respect for the lady Tsunade." Fugaku refuted. "We were on the same side during the third ninja war; I do believe she saved my life, in fact. But a courtroom is a different kind of war, one in which arguments are soldiers. If I had allowed that you sometimes made good points, the clan would have felt like I'd betrayed them."

"The clan...which wanted to take over Konoha."

"That isn't-" Fugaku sighed. "Make no mistake, son. My loyalty is to my clan, yes, but it is also to the village. I mean no harm to its people. You may not have experienced it, but you _know_ what injustices we have undergone in this village."

"Injustices worthy of taking over the whole thing?"

"While I personally-" Fugaku stopped, and shook his head. "No. I'm not here to argue politics with you." He twirled the kunai in his hands. "I'm here on your mother's behalf. She wants you to come home for dinner tonight."

Sasuke winced. "I...wasn't aware I was welcome." He hadn't been back into the Uchiha compound since his fight against Hinata (not counting the time he'd broken in with Itachi for some clothes and breakfast).

"Unwelcome? Why?" Fugaku asked.

His son coughed. "This may sound strange, but I was under the impression you were upset I didn't kill my teammate."

"Upset you-" Fugaku shook his head. "I was upset you'd thrown the match, but if killing your teammate was the only alternative I understand why you did so. Especially as that was proof enough you were stronger than her! If you had come to explain..."

Sasuke grimaced and looked away. "Sorry, just...Itachi thinks you're an asshole. What _is_ it between you two?"

Fugaku looked down. "Me and your brother...disagree on a number of matters. I know he's been telling you things, but, well..." He grimaced. "I don't want to sound melodramatic with phrases like 'seducing you away from me', but I know you're spending a lot of time with him and I _don't_ want it to sour your opinion of the clan, or the family." He reached forwards and held out the kunai. "Will you come home tonight? Please?"

"...what's mum making?" Sasuke asked, suspiciously.

"Lasagna."

"Hn. Alright fine." Sasuke sighed and took the kunai. "When do you want me?"

"Dinner's on the table at six."

* * *

"No! This one goes here, _that_ one goes there!" Karin put her fingers to the bridge of her nose to try and hold off a stress headache. "I swear to Kami you useless...I specifically, _specifically_ put the chemicals in _very strong_ glass vials, because I was worried you'd break them. But nooo, turns out I should have been more afraid about you _putting them in the wrong_ -"

"Am I interrupting something, dear?"

Karin froze. She schooled her expression carefully, and turned around with a smile. "Orochimaru-sama! No sir everything is fine, just sorting out a few organisational difficulties-"

"I remind you again that you are more than welcome to imprison the guards should they prove themselves not to your liking." Orochimaru replied, walking in. "I understand you are missing a few prisoners?"

"A few." She winced. "One hundred and eighteen. It's, uh...it's not my fault."

Looking up, she spotted a girl with dark blue hair stood at her master's side.

"Ah yes, introductions." Orochimaru gestured. "Karin, this is Hyuuga Hinata. She will be working with us from now on. Hinata, this is Karin. A recent acquisition of mine, she and her chakra suppression chains take charge of the prison here in the southern hideout."

"Chakra suppression chains?" The Hyuuga girl walked forwards. Her eyes, white and wide, seemed to be scrutinising every part of Karin at once. "Do you perhaps have Uzumaki heritage?"

Karin blinked. "Yes, actually. On my mother's side." She paused, and took the time to analyse the girl's chakra. It was...strange. Dark, yes, intense and strong, but there was a glimmer of light in it that seemed to be glowing brighter as time passed.

"Uh-huh." Hinata mused. Then she turned back to Orochimaru. "Can I keep her?"

" _What_?"

"If you want." Orochimaru shrugged. "But only so long as it doesn't impact her usefulness."

"You have people missing." Hinata responded, stretching. "I'll help Karin retrieve them. I can see some of the stragglers from here, actually."

"Excellent." Orochimaru beamed. "Get it done. You have six hours."

"Three hours, got it." Hinata grabbed Karin by the hand and walked off.

"H-hold on." Karin pulled her hand free when they were clear of Orochimaru's sight. "Why do you want to 'have' me? Why are you helping? Who _are_ you?"

"I'm a girl motivated by a childhood crush and the need to kill someone." Hinata replied, smiling at her. "I'm sorry if my language was a bit simple back then; I 'want' you because one of my best friends was also an Uzumaki. Your chakras look similar and I am _terribly_ homesick."

"Oh." Karin responded, a little overwhelmed. "Okay. That was very...succinct."

"Thank you!" Hinata replied. "Now then. Let's go round up some probably innocent prisoners."

* * *

The chunin exams.

The first real test of a prospective ninja's mettle. A life threatening situation in which friends were pit against friends, where only the strongest, toughest, smartest could ever hope to survive, let alone succeed.

Haku didn't know what all the fuss was about.

"Congratulations, Temari!" He called across to her, after the official ceremony was over and the ninja and viewers were free to spill into the streets.

"Haku!" The blonde looked over to her and smiled. "Well done to you too! That was a fun final round." She walked over with a wink. "Glad I got my revenge after our fight six months ago."

"Home field advantage." Haku made a mock pout, before both laughed. "And speaking of that fight, where's Kankuro? I heard you said he was improving."

"He is." Temari reassured. "He's got a new method that'll let him fight again which is frankly _insane_ , but he wanted to take more time to rebuild his repertoire before starting again. He's going to stomp the next exams, I'm certain, but for now he's still recuperating." Temari cast her eyes outwards. "Also speaking of our last fight, where's your boyfriend?"

"Sai's..." Haku paused and looked around. "Missing. Again. Great. I don't know, he's probably reporting to his dark master."

"He still doing that?" Temari rolled her eyes.

"I'm trying to pry him away, give him time." Haku eyed her. "I'm surprised Gaara actually passed Sai, considering...you know."

"Oh, my brothers are still planning to kill him." Temari said, breezily. "I think it's a bonding exercise, they stay up late talking about it. But they're not gonna stop Sai being promoted, that wouldn't be fair."

"Ehehe."

Haku was saved from that very awkward conversation by another very awkward conversation, appearing in the form of a busty redhead coming in from behind them. "Well well, if it isn't the celebrities of the day! I've been looking for you!"

"Mizukage-sama?" Haku addressed her, surprised.

"Call me Mei, please."

The woman walked up with a wide smile that didn't show in her eyes.

"I'm surprised to see you're here. I don't think any of your genin made it to the finals?" Haku trailed off, slightly regretting the trio of Mist ninja he and Sai had taken out during round two.

"Well, I figured that since I only recently acquired my position, it would be important to get my face out into the world. I don't quite agree with my predecessor's isolationist policies."

"Yeah, Yagura was a bit of an asshole." Haku agreed. "I should know, I tried to assassinate him. Twice."

"Good attempts, both." Mei admitted.

"You...don't have a problem with that?" Haku checked, hesitantly.

"Well I did it _too_." The Mizukage shrugged. "The trick was catching him in his sleep so he didn't have time to use his tailed beast form. Turns out the whole time there was actually a genjutsu on him, so it wasn't really his fault, which was a little awkward..."

"Nobody spotted that?" Temari asked.

"Well we had a guy with a Byakugan he'd stolen one time, Ao? I think? But then Hyuuga Neji showed up and killed him, so that was that." Mei sighed.

"Nasty."

"But I'm not here to talk about me, lets talk about _you_." The woman clapped her hands together. "People are calling this the year of the kunoichi, you know. Look at who passed; miss Haruno, miss Ino, Temari here, you-"

"He's a dude." Temari interrupted.

"Sai-"

"He's a dude." Haku interrupted.

"Wow, okay." Mei blinked. "Well they could have mentioned that...but I'm getting off topic. Haku dear, has it been mentioned to you how intriguing your position is?"

"Not to my knowledge." Haku frowned.

"Odd, but understandable. I can imagine Leaf trying to keep some of these options from you." Mei squatted down to Haku's eye level, something he found really condescending. "It's intriguing because you are a Mist citizen, from a Mist ninja clan, who currently wears the headband of a Leaf chunin." She reached out and poked it.

Haku scowled. "Which means?"

"Which _means_ you are capable of applying for a senior position in both villages." Mei extrapolated, standing back up to her full height.

"I thought I was a missing-nin?"

"You _were_. I took the liberty of having that changed. It really shouldn't have applied at all, since you weren't officially a ninja, and it hardly matters since that old git Zabuzza is dead."

Temari looked between them, feeling thoroughly left out.

Haku's fists tightened. "Thank you for that. Is that all you came to say?"

"No. I came to offer you work." Mei smiled again. "Mist would be more than happy to hire your services, and due to your legal dubiousness it wouldn't even be, well, legally dubious. Not to mention..." she leaned forwards, in a posture that quite prominently pushed her cleavage together. "You'll find that there are plenty of 'perks' for someone of your powers and lineage. Think it over, okay?" With a wink, she walked off.

Haku paused, looking across at Temari. "...Is it me or was she a-"

"Massive bitch. Yeah." Temari agreed.

* * *

"Why did you attack the village?"

The Kyuubi opened one eye. **"What?"**

"At first, I thought you were an actual monster. Some sort of mindless animal." Naruto continued. He'd spent a full month training with Jiraiya, thinking on what the nine tails had said, before trying to come back. "But you're not. You're an asshole, sure, but you don't seem like you'd attack Konoha just for kicks. But you have, apparently. Twice. I just...I wanna know why."

The nine tails regarded him for a long moment. **"Have you ever read '15 reasons why the Sharingan can go fuck itself' by Senju Hashirama? This is assuming you can _read_."**

Naruto glared but let it go. "No, but Sasuke borrowed it from Itachi sometime after Christmas, and I've heard him complaining about it."

 **"My first jinchurikki in Konoha read it once, we both had a whale of a time."** The beast chuckled. **"Reason number seven: someone experienced with the Sharingan can apply genjutsu with all the subtlety of a bijuu bomb, and still get results. Even if you're prepared for it, they can make you stupid, or angry, or forget everything. They can make you obey."** It glared at nothing in particular. **"They can make you wear their magic blue armour and try to kill their best friend. They can even make you lose your mind, and try to destroy a village even though you were _planning_ on running away to your cave in the mountains."**

"Wait." Naruto held a hand up. "Are you telling me that the worst massacre in recent history was an _accident_?"

 **"No."** Growled the kyuubi. **"Not an accident. I'm telling you that right now there are plenty of people I want to kill. But back then? The destruction of Konoha was not my will. It was the will of a man with an orange mask, and a Sharingan."**

There was a jolt, and Naruto was back in the clearing.

* * *

 **"Alright, this is order 66! One slice of life with a cup of exposition to go?"**

 **Self explanatory chapter is self explanatory. Kurama is not going to be as easy to work with as Naruto had hoped, Sasuke is attempting to repair his relationship with the fam, and Hinata is adjusting to life with snake-sensei. A few POV points from some other characters, and the astute among you will notice a few changes that have blossomed in Mist's history. Funny thing, Ao managed to get a Byakugan at some point during the last war, but you can't get those from the branch family members. Wonder whose eye it was...**


	47. Training Montage 8: Sentimentality

**Training Montage #8: The Dangers Of Sentimentality**

* * *

Tsunade looked up from her desk suspiciously. "Hidden Stone."

"Yup." Sasuke was stood with perfect posture.

"May I ask why you chose this mission in particular?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I just felt like this was a mission that would best assist the glorious village of Konoha."

"Uh huh."

He maintained eye contact for a few more seconds before breaking. "Also one of the seven swords of the mist is presumed to be there."

"Ah."

"The one that explodes."

"Does Mist know about this?"

"Probably."

"It would be in the spirit of cooperation to let them reclaim their artefact."

"And it would be in the spirit of my growing sword collection to _not_ do that thing."

"How many of those do you have?"

"Four of the seven so far."

Tsunade maintained eye contact for a few more seconds before smirking. "Go."

"Yes ma'am!"

* * *

"How long have they been going at it for?" Karin whispered.

"About fifty minutes." Kabuto admitted. "I'm not sure how she's kept the cursed seal active for this long."

"Damn." The redhead reached over and grabbed a handful of Kabuto's popcorn.

In front of them, through the large hole in the wall of the Northern hideout, was a wide expanse of desert. Out on that desert was what could be accurately described as two kids with superhuman strength beating the shit out of each other.

Hinata, in the second stage of her curse mark, was seemingly having the time of her life, grabbing her opponent and taking him on a joyride across the desert, slamming him into various stone structures as she went. Beneath her, Jugo, the primary experiment of this hideout, was roaring incessantly. He was fully transformed, with black skin and red eyes, and had completely lost his mind. Crashing into a boulder, he grabbed it in both hands and heaved, tearing it out of the floor and flinging it up to collide with Hinata. There was a flash of lightning, and she split the rock in two, flying down to land in front of him.

"Woo! This is fun!" She chuckled, before her eyes hardened. "But seriously."

With a blur, she appeared in front of Jugo, with a palm on his forehead. "I will literally blow your brain out if you don't calm down."

Jugo froze. Then, slowly, he began to transform back, the bestial features disappearing from his body until he was left in his usual form, with pale skin and bright orange hair.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I just, I can't control it. The anger comes and then I just-"

"It's fine." Hinata reassured, removing her hand to pat him on the shoulder as she reverted back to her own base form. "I know it's not your fault." She looked back where they'd come from and wrinkled her nose, waving at Karin. "Do they really just keep you locked up in there?"

"They do." He sighed. "They don't have any other way to control me. Kimimaro was the only other person who was safe in my presence, except Orochimaru of course."

"Ooh, Kimimaro." Hinata winced. "He's, uh..."

"Dead." Jugo exhaled. "I know." He looked at her. "He came to visit me before he went out to get you. Said you were his legacy."

"I don't know about _that_ -"

"You can control me." He told her. "You're stronger than me. And with you I know that I won't hurt anyone if you don't want me to."

"With threat of death?" She tilted her head.

"If it works." He chuckled.

She shrugged. "Alright. I'll talk to Rochi, see if I can't get you freed. In the meantime though..." she squinted, more for his sake than hers, at the hole in the wall. "We'll probably have to find you a new cell."

* * *

Kankuro stood, panting, amidst the remains of scrap metal and wood.

From his right, there was a clapping sound, and an old voice. "That was quite a show of temper, young man."

"Who are you and how did you get in here?" He replied, unconcerned.

"My name is Chiyo." Said the voice. "And I go where I want. Tell me, why did you just destroy all of your puppets?"

"They're not much use to me any more; I need to make new ones for my eyes to fit in." He replied, turning to face where she probably was. "And these puppets failed me once before. So they need replacing."

"No sentimentality, hm?" The woman cackled. "Do you throw out everything that doesn't serve a purpose?"

"Not everything." Kankuro replied. "Don't try to make everything a morale dilemma; puppets aren't people."

"Most of the time." Chiyo muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Did you know, my grandson created those puppets sometime before he left?"

"Oh." Kankuro didn't feel particularly sorry. "My bad. Would you like them rebuilt, or?"

"Nah." The old woman chuckled. "He's an asshole. So what are you going to do now?"

"Make new puppets." Kankuro replied. "Better ones. Ones I know I can trust. And if I fuck up with those then I can blame myself."

"In that case." Chiyo chuckled. "I may be able to help you."

* * *

Sasuke was currently sat in a dark, dingy cave. A fire was too likely to attract attention, so as cold as it was, he would have to cope. That or attract bloodthirsty Mist jonin he was technically at peace with.

"You've got it?" Itachi asked, appearing in the cave a moment later.

"Got it." Sasuke grinned, tapping a sealing scroll against his leg. "Shibuki. 'Splash'. I don't know what maniac decided to make a sword out of explosive tags, but I'm not complaining."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes, but there was obviously something bugging Itachi. Eventually, he vocalised it. "I hear you've been spending a lot of time back at the compound. With mum and dad."

"Yeah." Sasuke tensed. "We made up."

"He's playing nice, then?"

"Not sure what you mean." Sasuke shrugged, eyes on the scroll rather than his brother. "We eat. We talk, a bit. It's chill."

"You know you can't trust him."

"What am I trusting him with?" Sasuke bit back, a little angrier than he'd planned. "I go home for _dinner_ sometimes. That's it."

"You're letting him talk to you." Itachi replied, evenly. "And I'm worried about what he says."

"You'd know what he said if you showed up." Sasuke remarked, bitterly.

"You want me to sit down and _eat_ with him-"

"Okay enough of this." Sasuke span around to face his brother. "What the _hell_ is your problem with dad?"

Itachi tilted his head, in almost believable confusion. "Other than the part where he tired to force his way into the old man's job-"

"Nope." Sasuke cut across him. "That's not it. You've had beef with him since _long_ before that. About as long as I can remember. What is it really?"

Itachi sighed and looked down. "Classified."

"How classified?"

" _Very_."

"Alright then." Sasuke thought about it. "Has he killed anyone innocent?"

"What?" Itachi looked at him like he'd grown an extra head.

"I don't want specifics." Sasuke held out his arms. "You don't have to break confidentiality. Has dad killed any innocent people?"

"I...no, not as far as I know." Itachi answered.

"Has he tortured any innocents?"

"No!"

"Has he down anything to jeopardise the wellbeing of Konoha?"

Itachi's mouth set into a line. "No."

"Do you hate him because of some idealistic difference? Because you disagree about what's important?"

Itachi opened his mouth. Closed it.

Sasuke flopped onto his back. "Look. If you'd spent more than an hour around Naruto and Hinata before the team formed, you'd know they were _not_ happy people. Probably still aren't. And neither of them had families. Period." He sat up. "Well I _do_ , Itachi. And call me selfish but I'm not about to give that up because _you_ don't think dad is a good person."

Itachi looked at him for a moment. Then sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry; I've said I should stop trying to tell you how to live your life. I'll try to-" He broke into a coughing fit.

Sasuke started forwards in surprise as his older brother began retching up phlegm. "Shit, bro, what-"

"I'm-ugh- I'm fine." Itachi waved him off, recovering somewhat. "I must have picked something up; that's what I get for sneaking around in the cold for hours on end."

"If you say so." Sasuke shuffled backwards, trusting him. "I've set a clone on watch, so I'm going to try and get some sleep. See you tomorrow."

"You too, little brother."

Sasuke rolled over.

He didn't see Itachi bring his hand away from his mouth covered in blood.

* * *

"No way." Gaped Hinata. "Sasuke?"

"You knew him?" Karin asked, puzzled.

"Knew him? He was my teammate!" The Hyuuga laughed out loud. "You have a crush on my teammate!"

"I wouldn't-I mean-" Karin blushed.

The two were in Hinata's room. It was dark outside; Orochimaru's apprentice had wanted a sleepover and Karin had been too amused to refuse her.

"I'll have to introduce you to him." Hinata mused. "Sometime, after I'm done here. This is assuming he doesn't immediately try and arrest you for working with Orochimaru, of course..."

Watching closely, Karin was able to catch it. Subtle, but there; Hinata's face took on a melancholic expression for just a moment. It happened every time her old friends were brought up.

"Hinata?" Karin asked, tentatively.

"Hm?"

"You know you don't always have to smile, right?"

Hinata tilted her head. "I don't know what you mean."

"You're always smiling." Karin continued. "And I don't know if you're trying to cheer us up, or there's something deeper to it, but...you're allowed to be sad."

Hinata kept up the mask for another few seconds before sighing, and dropping into a much more neutral, almost wistful expression. "You know, someone once had to tell me that I was allowed to be happy. Seems I'm always one for extremes."

"Are you okay?" Karin asked.

"No." She admitted. "Not really. I'm practicing the Naruto method of acting happy so that even if it doesn't help me, I don't bring down other people."

"Well, it's working." Karin assured her. She grabbed her hands. "Look. When I was young, my mom died. She used up too much of her chakra trying to heal the wounded from some war or another. After that, it became my job. And they thanked me when I healed them, blessed me, promised me everything for saving their lives. Right until the hospital got attacked, they all died, and I went off to be a ninja...the point is that since I lost my family, you're the only person who's ever been nice to me without expecting anything in return. Except those hugs you demand when you get really homesick..."

"I'm sorry, your chakra looks like Naruto's-" It was Hinata's turn to blush.

"It's fine." Karin waved her off. "Look, you _care_. I don't mind if it's just an act, it feels the same to me. So I'm sticking with you, got it? Not Orochimaru, you."

"I don't-" Hinata shook her head. "Karin I don't expect your _service_ -"

"I know." The redhead smiled. "That's why you have it. And it means if you need to, and your teammates aren't there, you can come and talk to me, okay?"

Hinata smiled, and she knew this one was real. "Thanks, Karin. I will."

* * *

Haku let herself into the house, closing the door with a deliberate rattle. "I'm home!"

"Hey dear!" Shizune shouted, from the kitchen. "Dinner's fish pie, in ten minutes."

"Were you able to get the Wave fish?" Haku called, taking off her shoes and leaving them by the door.

"Damn right I was!" Called Tsunade, from the living room. "Persuaded the Fire Daimyo to let Konoha in on the trade deals. You're welcome!"

"Thank you!"

Haku walked in to crash on the sofa opposite the Hokage. He hadn't been formally adopted or anything, but Tsunade had realised soon after her promotion that he was still technically being held by T&I. Lacking an alternative, she had let Haku crash in the house she shared with Shizune, and eventually decided the dynamic was fun.

"Oh yeah, congratulations on your chunin-ness, in case you didn't get that enough in Suna." Tsunade remarked.

"Thanks. Again." Haku paused. "Did you notice that the Mizukage was present?"

"Notice?" Tsunade chuckled. "It was hard not to. Bitch is almost as stacked as I am..."

"What?"

"Nothing. Why, did you meet her?"

"She came up and talked to me." Haku explained. "Kept talking about my 'unique position' and stuff." He wrinkled his nose. "I think she wants me to betray Konoha."

"Sounds cool. Go ahead."

"Of course I-, uh, what?"

"Go for it." Tsunade shrugged. "Mist's a cool place. Very...misty. Good mist to hide in, in hidden Mist."

"This is a joke, right? Terumi wants me to go work for her."

"Uh-huh." Tsunade acknowledged. "Whole 'nuther ninja executive ladder right there."

"Why would you-" Haku narrowed his eyes. "You're scheming."

"Now whatever could you mean by that?" Tsunade was making a sly smile.

Haku thought through it in his head. "Executive ladder...Mei mentioned that I would be able to access senior positions in Mist, what did she...you sly dog."

"Hm?"

Haku gaped. "You're setting me up to be Mizukage!"

"That's a bold statement."

"I'm fifteen!"

"Gaara's younger, and look at him."

"Gaara's a jinchurikki!" Haku shook his head vigorously. "He nearly blew up Konoha on his own; I'm Jonin level at best-"

"For now." Tsunade raised a finger. "You have a powerful bloodline limit," the finger pointed towards the diamond shape on Haku's neck. "And in a few years, _that_ is going to mature. You've had years of unofficial training under a very powerful Mist ninja, and you're about to get a load of official experience from two separate hidden villages, not to mention the personal tutelage you're getting from me. You have potential, mister."

"So you want me to, what, continue with the 'assassinate the Mizukage' schtick?" Haku asked.

"As much as Mei is a massive bitch, and admittedly she's trash compared to the rest of the Kage, and you can _technically_ challenge her to a duel to the death for the position, no I don't want you to kill her." Tsunade stretched. "But she gonna die someday, ninja always do. Most don't live as long as the old man did. Or she'll be deposed in some other way. But if you're there to take her place..."

"So what's in it for you in all of this?" Haku looked at her suspiciously. "Because being a puppet ruler for Konoha kind of sounds like bad practice."

"I don't want _that_." Tsunade rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't mind friendlier relations with Kiri, sure, but mostly...well, it's your choice. I'm not going to make you do it if you don't feel like it, I just...want what's best for you."

Haku looked at her like she'd grown a second head, but Tsunade was still there, blushing slightly.

"...I'll think about it." Haku allowed. "It's something my old master was after for his whole life. And it's good to have something to strive for."

"But make sure not to knock up anyone over there until you've taken over."

It was Haku's turn to roll his eyes.

"I'll try, mum."

"What was that?"

"Ma'am. I'll try, _Ma'am_."

* * *

"I have the key to your seal."

Kyuubi glared. **"You do not know how to leave well enough alo-come again?"**

Naruto held his hand out. A glowing key looking thing appeared above it. "Jiraiya has a toad that guards it. I can use it to strengthen and weaken the seal."

 **"So, why should I care?"** The fox waved a claw dismissively **. "You can get rid of my escape progress. It's not like you'd ever be stupid enough to _weaken_ the seal."**

Naruto waited.

The nine-tails looked at him. **"No fucking way."**

"Powers."

 **"Fuck you."**

"Do you want to get out?"

 **"Do I-"** the fox had stood fully to attention now, looking down at him. **"You're crazy. I'll kill you if you let me out. You know that right?"**

"Right now, sure." Naruto shrugged. "I'm hoping we'll be able to work on that."

 **"You absolute-"**

"I'll weaken the seal." Naruto promised. "If you're willing to offer me some chakra. If you're not going to be of any help I'll tighten it up so I can't even hear you until I'm about to die. But," he grimaced. "I...really don't want to do that. Because it sounds like it's been really nasty for you while I was a kid and I don't want to do it to you again."

 **"You're feeling empathy? For me? You're really screwed up."**

"But if you'll cooperate I'll weaken the seal so you'll cooperate more. And eventually, when I'm confident you won't try to kill everything I care about or I'm strong enough to stop you, I'll let you go."

 **"You're lying."**

"I don't usually do that."

 **"I've watched every prank you've ever committed."**

"I don't lie about anything that's _important_ , and I don't go back on my word. If we can work together, then eventually I'll free you."

 **"I'm still under your control."** The fox growled. **"No matter how nice you are, the final decision will always be up to you."**

"You're trying to guilt trip me and it's not working." Naruto deadpanned. "I'll be an asshole if it stops you killing people. But I'm willing to give you a chance."

Kyuubi glared at him suspiciously. **"Are you using genjutsu on me?"**

"I literally cannot cast genjutsu to save my life."

 **"Hn."** The fox leaned back, and mumbled **"Fine."**

"What?"

 **"Fine!"** It snapped. **"I'll lend you some power when you need it."**

"Woo!"

 **"A little."**

"How much?"

 **"More than you'll ever need until you're fighting people who're Kage-plus. If you want the really cool powers you have to beat me up and take my chakra (good luck with that) and then finally release me and have me keep cooperating (good luck with _that_ ) but I doubt you'll ever need that much."**

"You're the best!"

 **"I know."** The fox preened. **"Now. Have you done anything with the passive chakra I've been feeding you?"**

"I can make the basic chakra cloak." Naruto answered. "No tails appear, like one did when I was fighting Hinata, but it still makes me stronger and faster. I can mostly control myself when I'm doing that one, I'm just pretty annoyed at everything."

 **"Okay, so let's call that Kyuubi cloak version zero."** Said the fox, taking on an almost lecturing tone. **"One through three tails of power is version one, that's what you _failed_ to defeat your teammate with. Do better next time, by the way. You're not allowed to lose while using my power anymore. And version two is four through eight tails. Entering version two is a significant power boost, so naturally has a lot more risks, and each tail past four gives you more power and less self-control."**

"What happens when I have all nine?" Naruto asked, innocently.

 **"That would require you completely removing the seal, at which point right now I'd kill you."** Kyuubi replied, nonchalantly.

"Oh."

 **"So, where to begin..."** the fox mused. **"I can output a bunch of chakra into your technique if you give me time to build it up, but if I try that for most of your attacks they'll explode in your hands. The summoning and shadow clones are lucky exceptions; the former was a massive skill-less chakra dump and the fattie has already explained the latter one's workings...I know, let's try and get you into two tails version one."**

"Uh." Naruto shifted. "Not that I don't appreciate the sudden burst of enthusiasm, but are you sure we want to start with _further than I've ever gone before_?"

 **"You'll be fine."** Reassured the fox, with a very un-reassuring grin. **"You don't have anything to get angry at and this time I'm trying to regulate it. It's just a matter of getting used to it and controlling it."**

"Alright." Naruto sighed. "This is me extending the initial olive branch. Hit me."

The Kyuubi's form glowed. Red light suffused the water that flowed down the centre of the sewer, approaching Naruto hungrily. Gulping, he stepped into the stream.

With a jolt, he was back in the clearing. His form glowed. And he howled to the sky.

* * *

After the fight of his life, Naruto stomped back into his mindscape, glaring daggers at the Kyuubi. "You _bastard_."

The fox raised an eyebrow. **"How did it go?"**

"I tried to _kill Ero-sensei!"_ He shouted.

 **"Did you win?"**

"No!"

 **"I thought I made it clear that-"**

"I went insane! Completely nuts!"

 **"You didn't ask for any more chakra though. What happened?"**

Naruto shrugged. "Turns out this cool pendant I got from Tsunade suppresses bijuu chakra."

 **"Shame, I hoped you would level the forest."** The fox shrugged.

"Yeah well-" Naruto paused. "You hoped?"

The bijuu looked at him.

"You _knew_ it would happen?"

It snorted.

"Did...did you just _prank_ me?"

The most dangerous demon in the lands rolled onto its back and laughed.

"You are an asshole. A massive, gaping asshole."

 **"You are _far_ more entertaining than most of my owners."**

"Alright, ha ha." Naruto rolled his eyes. "Now do it without the madness."

 **"No."**

"Why?"

 **"I...can't."**

"What do you mean you _can't_?"

The fox craned its head to meet his eyes. **"I'm not all here."**

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You are an immortal demon beast with incredible power don't try and tell me you're having an _off day_ -"

 **"No, I mean I'm _literally_ not all here." **The fox rolled back over and huffed. **"You're talking to _half_ a demon beast. The yang half, to be precise."**

"...Explain." Said Naruto, very confused.

 **"After I was brainwashed for my little romp in Konoha-"**

"Too soon!"

 **"-and the Fourth Hokage did the reaper death seal to put me in you, he decided that he was going to _literally split me in half_. Probably thought if he put all of me in you I'd have taken over by now, which is probably true. I'm not elemental like some of the other bijuu; so you're currently talking to the yang half of my chakra. The yin half...I have no idea."**

"Maybe he sealed it inside himself when the reaper ate him so he could come back later under a reanimation jutsu and dramatically give it to me?" Naruto suggested.

 **"That would be stupid."** The Kyuubi dismissed.

"Why?"

 **"Because even if there _was_ a plot device with the power to bring people back from the reaper's body, he wouldn't have known about it." **The fox reasoned. **"And if he _did_ , he would have told someone about it long before now. And more importantly, if us bijuu could be permanently removed by sealing us into the reaper it would have been done generations ago. My other half is probably sealed into someone else, or hidden somewhere. But I think that imbalance is part of the problem."**

"Isn't yang the good one?" Naruto scrunched his head up. "I'd think less shadowy dark stuff would be a good thing."

 **"Yang is light, yes, but it's also masculinity. Confidence. Aggression. Too much yin chakra would make you dark, depressed, calculating and broody. And your penis would shrink."**

" _What!_ "

 **"Joking. Mostly. But the yang overload you get whenever I pour my chakra into you makes you enraged, overconfident, unthinking. A picture perfect demon host. It's not just that I'm sabotaging you, at least not deliberately. Your spirit is just massively 'out of whack'."**

"So how do we fix it?" Naruto asked, skipping to the point.

 **"Ideally, get my other half back."** The Kyuubi growled. **"But lacking any leads...you're going to have to balance it yourself. If you provide the yin chakra yourself, you should be able to stay sane enough."**

"But I suck at yin!" Naruto complained. "Loud, flair, explosions, yang is where I'm at!"

 **" _Shadow_ shuriken? Multi _shadow_ clone?"** The fox dismissed. **"You probably _act_ all yang because your chakra is yin up the wazoo. Look, if you can learn to focus that nature transformation you should be able to access higher levels of my power without going crazy."**

"You want me to _master_ a nature transformation? That sounds like it would take a while." Naruto frowned.

The kyuubi shrugged. **"Well, you have...two and a half years. Hop to it. I'll be here if you need me, tormented eternally by loneliness and imprisonment."**

"Aww, c'mon. You've got me?"

 **"And the good news just keeps on coming!"**

Naruto sighed, and turned away.

There was a jolt, and he was back in the clearing. "Jiraiya! I have a plan!"

* * *

Seas glistened. Mountains cut stark gray lines through the greens of forests, the yellow of deserts, the whites of the snowy poles.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" The man declared.

"I wouldn't know." Remarked a female voice from behind him.

"I suppose not." He sighed. "I hope to show you, one day."

"Me too! It sounds really pretty, to hear you talk about it. I don't remember it being all too special, though..."

"Likely due to your birth circumstances." The man replied, darkly. "Those who raised you were despicable."

"Hey! My family was the best!"

He bit down on his tongue. "Of course, my dear. I apologise. Still, events progress down there that worry me. The Akatsuki are about to move, the beasts are converging, that schemer continues exerting his influence over the world, and _those two.._."

He cut himself off again. "My ancestors were quite right. Mankind has more than proven that it has failed in it's duties."

"What do you mean?" The female voice was concerned.

"Nothing, my dear. Don't worry. Soon, we will both be able to see." Arms crossed behind his back, eyes still closed, Toneri Otsutsuki looked out at the ninja world.

* * *

 **And with that, our interlude comes to an end. Oh come on, I couldn't make a Hyuuga-centric story without introducing moon boi, could I?**

 **The battle lines begin to draw, the pieces begin to move, and other self-aggrandising metaphors are abound. Next week, Shippuden begins.**

 **Your buts.**

 **Hold onto them.**


	48. Everybody Is Here

**~5 Years before graduation**

The moon was full, and bright, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky to get in the way of it's gleam, casting a pale white light over all of Konoha.

Itachi glared at it. _Stop snitchin, motherfucker. We couldn't get a dark night for this? Some mist to hide in? C'mon._

The moon didn't respond. The eldest Uchiha scion knew damn well he was being ridiculous to try and distract himself, but given what he was distracting himself _from_ he was gonna damn well let himself. _Let's see how long we can delay the oncoming panic attack, huh?_

There was the tiniest whisper of noise, and Hyuuga Neji appeared next to him in the gardens of the Hyuuga compound.

"Done?" Itachi asked.

"Done." Neji replied. "Hinata's asleep. I moved her out of her parents' room; the ANBU will find her passed out on the sofa."

"And everyone else is-"

"Yeah."

Itachi blew out a breath. _Delaying it, delaying the breakdown, don't think about the murder-_ "We have about three minutes until the alarm is raised. Ideally we need to be a good distance into the forest by then. You got everything?"

"Everything." Neji nodded, shouldering a large, padded rucksack.

Knowing Neji would be doing the same, Itachi took a brief look at the rucksack with his dojutsu, getting an inventory of what his partner had decided to bring so that they'd know what to scavenge for later...

and stopped.

"Neji."

The Hyuuga winced. "Itachi."

"Is that what I think it is."

White eyes narrowed. "I couldn't...If I left-"

"I know, but what the _hell_ are we going to do about it?"

"I don't _know_." Neji grimaced, keeping a tight control over his voice. "I was just thinking. Do you still have Shisui's eye?"

Itachi stilled. Nodded.

"Is it...I don't know what to say, 'charged'?"

"It can be used, yeah. But out of Shisui, the cooldown on it will be just shy of ten years."

"Well unless you have anyone else you particularly need to mind control..?"

Neji left the question hanging, but Itachi shook his head.

"I'll explain the plan on the way. Trust me."

The Uchiha sighed. "Alright then. Let's hustle. I reckon we have about a week in which I can realistically be 'chasing you' before things get suspicious."

"Then lets see what we can get done."

Without another word, the two vanished into the night.

Two minutes later, the alarm was raised on the greatest tragedy to befall Konoha since the Kyuubi attack seven years prior.

* * *

 **Act V: Everything Starts To Happen All At Once**

 **Everybody Is Here**

* * *

Suna was hot.

This was something Sasori of the Red Sand had heard said quite a lot.

He had experienced it himself, in fact; growing up in the Hidden Sand village he'd had plenty of time himself to curse the blazing sun, or the freezing nights. Of course, nowadays he didn't feel anything at all unless he built a puppet specifically for it (not usually worth it) and especially not through the puppet body that was currently strolling past the corpses of a few nameless Suna shinobi. He looked up into the sky, where Deidara was having the most fun he'd had in ages battling with the Ichibi's Jinchurriki. Massive plumes of sand flew through the air, grasping for the large clay birds circling round them and attempting to get through the nigh impenetrable defences. Ordinarily Sasori would have been more than comfortable letting his partner do his thing, but when he began to hear explosions that didn't coincide with Deidara's attacks, he decided to intervene.

 _My my my. How enterprising of Suna._

 _Turrets_ were dotted across Suna's high walls. Large constructs firing upwards at the battle in the sky, peppering Deidara's birds with flak fire. Irksome. Shrugging the puppet's shoulders, Sasori revealed it's claws and dug them into the walls, clambering up the sandstone structures until he was stood next to one of the turrets. It was trivial to whip out a chakra thread and tear off one of the plates, revealing it's occupant...or lack thereof. The turret didn't have a cockpit, but continued firing completely automatically, ignoring Sasori completely. No, not automatically. _Remote controlled_.

 _Well well well..._

He latched more wires onto the construct.

* * *

In a room far beneath the battle in Suna, a blindfolded boy felt one of his eyes up above go dark, as his link to it was severed.

Kankuro tightened his grips on the strings.

* * *

A shell based on the explosive tag technology, and a wind release fire mechanism. _Not bad._

It had taken Sasori a few seconds to understand the "puppet"'s inner workings, after which he immediately turned it and fired it at the other artillery. That certainly got their attention. As one, the turrets all turned away from the sky battle and trained themselves on him.

His was quickly destroyed by a barrage of fire.

 _This is fun._

He set his sights on the next nearest turret, which was when his artificial ears picked up someone landing on the wall behind him.

"I don't know who you are," A girl's voice said, "but you've just smashed one of my brother's toys, and he is going to be pissed about it."

Sasori smiled. "Sabaku no Temari, unless I'm mistaken." He turned around. "These are Kankuro's work, then? I'll have to-"

" _EWW_!"

"...pay him a visit."

"What the fuck even _are_ you!" The blonde kunoichi stared at him, aghast.

"Um. Sasori of the red-"

"Yeah no shit, but _Kami_!" Temari shook her head. "You look horrifying!"

"I...really?"

"You look like Bane crossed with the hunchback of Notre dame!"

"I...what?"

"Read books. You look like Darth Malak mated with a Zabrak, like _violently_."

"Well that's obscure."

"Oh no wait, is that meant to be a beard?" Temari squinted at him. "Oh I thought it was a mask. Never mind. You look like the ladies from monty python and the holy grail. You know the ones who put the fake beards on so they can stone a guy. Are you a girl? If so, you poor soul."

There was another explosion from up above them.

Sasori sighed. "Look, I have to go destroy more turrets, are you going to stand there and insult me or am I going to kill you?"

"Neither." Temari drew her fan. "I'm gonna beat your ass and take you in for questioning."

"Aww." Sasori crooned. "You go, little genin! Don't let anyone tell you what you can't do!"

"I'm a jonin."

"Oh wow, they're just letting anyone in nowadays-"

Temari swept her fan forwards, blasting a small hurricane of sharp wind at him.

The scythes tore into his puppet body, splitting it into almost a dozen different pieces and spreading him across the top of the wall. He lay still.

"Huh." Temari shrugged. "That was...not what I expected." She walked forwards, cautiously.

She almost didn't notice, but just as she reached the remnants, another explosion from up above that highlighted the glints of chakra threads still connecting the individual parts.

Temari _was_ a jonin, the moment she noticed she leapt upwards and away, but it wasn't fast enough.

Out of one of Sasori's back parts, a large metal tail launched out and darted towards her, drawing a thin line of blood across one of her legs. She landed, and watched as the chakra threads tightened, and he rebuilt himself.

"A puppet." She sighed. "Should have expected that really." One hand absently scratched her leg where he had caught her. "You go for the surprise attack and that's the best you can do?"

"It was enough." Sasori shrugged, walking away.

"Hey, where do you-" Temari paused. "Oh shit, poison. Right."

Her legs buckled underneath her and she crumpled to the floor.

Amused by the encounter, Sasori continued walking.

It wasn't long, after that. The remaining turrets were quickly rendered useless as a wide plume of sand poured up from the desert, covering the entire village. The reason for that was made clear a moment later, when a gigantic boom echoed across the sands. _And that means we'll be done relatively quickly._

Sasori took a moment to look out across the village. Looking up in shock, saved by their Kage.

Not knowing that they were going to be conquered by this time next year.

 _The first step. Beware world. The Akatsuki is here to show you_ real _power._

"You said that aloud, you know." Deidara remarked, floating down on one of his clay birds.

"You didn't hear _anything_."

"Hey, at least you're better than Pain. Guy monologues everywhere he goes. Now hop on, before their ANBU realise what's happening."

* * *

It was a beautiful day in the forests outside of Konoha. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming.

On days like these, kids...well, they certainly shouldn't be stood on tree branches facing off against each other.

"I have returned." The one uttered, solemnly. He was a mid teen now, but you wouldn't guess it by looking at him. He was significantly better built than anyone his age had the right to, owing to the intense physical training he'd undergone. His clothing was no longer _completely_ orange; just mostly, with black highlights and a red spiral on his back. White fur had made its way into the cuffs and shoulders. His eyes (for now, at least) were a bright twinkling blue, and his blond hair had grown out a little. Two tufts of it sprouted up on his head in a way that might be confused with animal ears from a distance.

"So it would seem." Responded the other. His clothes were black and tight, with a high collar around his neck. He hardly seemed to have put on any muscle at all; his frame was thin, lithe, and tall (though, he noticed with annoyance, not as tall anymore as the boy across from him.) Everything about him looked sharp, from his face to his black hair to the spikes on his bracers. His eyes had no visible colour at all, before they swirled into red circles with three black tomoe within them. "It has been a long time, Uzumaki Naruto."

"So it has." Uttered the blond. "My separation has made me stronger, Uchiha Sasuke."

"Is that so?" The dark haired boy's hand fell to the sword at his hip. A finger slid the end of it free of its sheath. "Prove it."

With nary a blur Sasuke had vanished, and immediately appeared right in front of Naruto with his sword having already completed a lethal slash.

The Naruto shadow clone popped.

Entirely unsurprised, Sasuke looked around, awaiting the inevitable clone dogpile, then was forced to jump away as the tree in front of him shattered into dozens of tiny projectiles.

Naruto (having done nothing but punch it) charged out after it towards Sasuke. They collided midair with a slam, and broke out into a chaotic melee.

Sasuke's dexterity was almost overwhelming, but Naruto had spent a long time training with Jiraiya to capitalise on his particular strengths, like using his ridiculous physical power to smash the surroundings apart and keep Sasuke at a distance.

Sasuke was perfectly happy with that as well, falling back and hurling shuriken at an incredible rate. Their indecipherable patterns inevitably caught Naruto; he grimaced as one dug into his shoulder, but quickly vanished as a different Naruto appeared in his place, and then _that_ one vanished the moment a blade touched it.

Now the shadow clone swarm began in earnest, dozens leaping out from the foliage to assault Sasuke. He didn't move, continuing to produce an inordinate amount of bladed objects and throwing them in every direction. Not one of the Naruto was able to reach him.

Huffing in annoyance, the team changed tack, and after a few shouts a powerful gust of wind picked up all the kunai and flung them back at their source.

Sasuke easily sidestepped most of them and responded with his own hand seals. "Fire style! Great fireball jutsu!"

"Wind style!" Naruto countered. "Shredding gale jutsu!"

The extent of their training became quite evident; two massive elemental blasts hurtled towards each other.

Only to collide into a massive sheet of ice.

* * *

Exactly three hours later than he was scheduled to, Kakashi arrived in the clearing.

"Now I know you all must miss me; but please, save your adulation for-" he paused.

The clearing was empty.

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto analysed the newcomer.

The ice wall, smashed by the jutsu from both sides, collapsed into pieces, and the figure stood atop it fell gracefully to the floor between them.

"That is all either of you are capable of?" They mused. "And here I was with high expectations."

Their black hair was tied into a long ponytail that fell down to their hips, shinobi code for 'I'm so good at taijutsu I don't care that I'm giving you something to grab'. They wore short white shorts and a light blue sleeveless top, and their headband (strangely bearing the twin symbols of both Leaf and Mist) was around their neck as a choker. Large brown eyes stared at the other two in the clearing.

Yuki Haku, despite three years of puberty, still looked like an attractive girl.

All three suddenly moved, Haku flinging senbon in both directions and jumping away.

Naruto slid under them while Sasuke pursued, swiping them out of the air with his sword and moving to within striking distance.

There was a flash, and he was trapped within a prison of ice mirrors. More needles rained towards him, but he was able to deflect all of the projectiles from the air with little effort.

Oh the outside, Naruto reached one hand out to the side and began marshalling his chakra. "Wrecking Rasengan!" He shouted. The spinning blue sphere formed in his palm, but then slipped out of it, still attached to Naruto through the presence of golden chains that wrapped around the ball, distorting its surface into a spiked mess.

Naruto let the chains extend to a few metres and span, swinging the rasengan in a circle before slamming it into the ice prison. The chakra suppressing qualities of the adamantine combined with the rasengan's inherent destructive power smashed through one side of the prison and out the other, sending shards of ice littering everywhere. Naruto didn't pay it anymore attention, he rushed inside, grabbed Sasuke and bodily threw him backwards, ramming him into a tree. Sasuke opened his eyes and stared at Naruto, Sharingan flashing. For a moment he froze in place, which was long enough for Haku to jump from the remaining mirrors and drop on top of him, pinning him to the floor.

That snapped Naruto out of it. He bucked, forcing Haku upwards, but the ninja summoned a large spike of ice and force it down.

That was interrupted by a chittering sound.

Sasuke blitzed in, chidori glinting with lightning, and he struck forwards with it, blowing the ice spear into pieces.

All three combatants separated, forming a triangle in the clearing (that they had just created) and staring at each other warily.

"I could do more but my strongest powers damage my eyes every time I use them." Sasuke admitted.

"I could do more but I don't trust the Kyuubi enough to sicc him on you." Naruto admitted.

"I could do more but if I start using Tsunade's seal before it's matured it will degrade and waste all my effort." Haku admitted.

They paused and looked at each other.

"...Put this on hold for now?" Naruto suggested.

"Agreed." The other two replied.

Then they all ran at each other and competed in a different way; namely, who could crush the others the most in a big three way hug.

"Kami I've missed you guys-"

"It's been _ages_ -"

" _Four fucking years_ -"

There were grins all around and much hearty backslapping before the three separated again.

"Have you two not been near each other?" Naruto asked, pointing his finger between them. "I thought you were both still here?"

"I spent most of it off with Itachi." Sasuke shrugged.

"And I was in hidden Mist for a lot of it." Haku explained. "The rest I spent training medical ninjutsu with Tsunade and Sakura."

"Oh yeah, Sakura. How's she?"

"Significantly more competent." Haku summarised. "She's a healer-slash-person-who-punches-things-really-hard. Plus she and Ino have gotten over their crush on you, Sasuke."

"Oh thank goodness." He visibly relaxed. "They've grown out of that?"

"...Sorta?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Explain."

"Ino clearly still has a thing for effeminate boys with dark hair, because she can't seem to decide whether to chase after me or Sai." Haku pondered. "We're considering sharing her."

"How much of Konoha have you two seduced at this point?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"About...a quarter of the people our age?"

"Great. Is Sai still working for his dark master?"

"Yes, but this one time he avoided killing a child because he thought it would upset me, so we're making progress."

"Speaking of progress." Sasuke turned on Naruto. "You'd better have made some. You're telling me you couldn't visit once in four years?"

"I sent letters!" Naruto defended. "Me and Jiraiya were in the wilderness for the whole time, I had to send shadow clones into town for food. It was a good idea, too, because I razed the entire surrounding kilometre like three times. And speaking of..." he turned to glare at nothing in particular. "Hey, fluffles! Why didn't you help me out against Sasuke's genjutsu just then?"

Sasuke and Haku exchanged confused glances.

"Yeah okay so you haven't technically agreed to do it yet but-" Naruto paused. "No, no, it wasn't 'just a childish game' this was me showings off my new skills, you don't want me to look weak, do you?"

"Hey Naruto, bud, are you doing okay?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He said, turning back to them. "Sorry, uncooperative bijuu."

His eyes lit up. "Wait. I haven't had Ichiraku ramen in years! It's going to taste amazing! Cmon, my treat!"

"I'm down." Sasuke shrugged.

"I'd like a chance to catch up properly." Agreed Haku.

Finally reunited, the trio began their walk back into-

"What the _hell_ are you all doing?"

They turned.

Kakashi was stood there glaring at them.

"Oh, hey." Sasuke greeted him. "'Sup. Did you want to come too?"

"We were supposed to do a bell test." Kakashi deadpanned. " _Five hours ago._ "

"Ah." Sasuke made a contrite face. "Our bad. It's just-"

"I got lost on the road of life." Haku excused.

"I got caught up in the great squirrel war." Naruto nodded shamefully.

"And I was busy thinking up excuses." Sasuke finished. "Terribly sorry. Won't happen again."

"Witty." Kakashi replied. "But you do realise that if you can't get the bells we can't form up as a new team-"

"What, these bells?" Sasuke reached into his pocket and pulled out a jingling pair.

"Exactly, tho-" Kakashi paused. Shoved one hand in his pocket. "When did you take those."

"Hours ago." Sasuke snorted. He held his hand up, and got hi fives from his two friends. "So are you coming, or what?"

"I'm getting you back for this. But, free food is free food." Kakashi sighed, shoved his hands into his pockets, smiled behind his mask, and followed the three into the village proper.

* * *

Underneath Suna, two jonin burst into one of the lowest rooms. "Sir!" One shouted. "The Akatsuki! They-"

"Did you find my brother?" Kankuro snapped.

They looked at each other and gulped. "No sir. The Kazekage is missing."

The chakra threads spreading out from Kankuro's hands tightened. "And my sister?"

"T-Temari was poisoned by one of the attackers, she's currently in critical con-"

Both winced as something upstairs exploded loudly. "Continue." Kankuro prompted.

"Sir." One of them coughed after a moment. "You're the highest ranking ninja in the village. What do we _do_?"

Kankuro sighed. At once, the strings all severed themselves, and he stood up. "What we've been trying to avoid doing for years. Someone patch me through to Konoha."

* * *

 **Back in black!**

 **Hit the sack!**

 **Everybody's talking smack!**

 **Wack!**

 **Shippuden begins (as it should) with a bunch of explosions. Mild character redesigns, Haku is still prettier than any of us will ever be, and Gaara's battle with Deidara goes about the same as it did in canon. With the exception of, well, cannons. Kankuro's done fucking around.**

 **Next week, we head ourselves off to Sandland, and I get to flex my 'same battle as canon but I try to keep it interesting' muscles. Let's see how that goes!**


	49. Skipping the Boring Cutscenes

**I KNOW, I KNOW, THE BEARDED LADIES WERE FROM LIFE OF BRIAN, ALRIGHT, I GET IT-**

 **Skipping the Boring Cutscenes**

* * *

And then everyone got their mission from Tsunade and trekked over to Suna but that's boring so nobody thought to write about it.

* * *

The standard Konoha ninja are organised into three man teams. This was because (after a long trial period) they had found it to be the optimum number of people to complete missions efficiently and stealthily with minimal opportunities for error or miscommunication.

However, in times of war, or in missions where stealth was a non factor or the difficulty was particularly high, teams of five, six, seven, or even ten (three sub-teams with an overall leader) were sometimes considered.

Hunting down two fleeing Akatsuki members to save a jinchurikki and Kage definitely fell into that category.

So Kakashi, Haku, Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura all walked together through Suna's gates, and were quickly escorted by the ANBU there to the Sand village's primary medical building.

"So I know it's good to have a medic on the squad." Sasuke whispered to Haku. "But _you're_ here. Why is Sakura?"

"Well, I mentioned Ino had gotten over you, but substituted you with me and Sai." Haku replied, just as quietly, watching the pink haired chunin stomp ahead of the rest of the group. "Sakura had a similar thing. Remember when you got your brother to show her the Gaara-Lee fight?"

Sasuke's eyes widened. "That worked? She fell for Lee?"

"Not...quite..."

Sakura slammed the medical room's doors open and declared "Alright punks, where is my boyfriend?"

"Oh perfect you brought _her_..." Kankuro growled from the corner, before raising his voice. "Read the mission report, sweetie. Your boyfriend's the one that got kidnapped."

The rest of the five filed into the room behind her, and immediately took notice of the form laying on the room's only cot.

Temari was not in a good place; unconscious but shifting about in her sleep with grit teeth. An unhappy looking red fox was sat on top of her, but it perked up when Naruto shouted "Uzu!" and it scampered over to him.

"The fuck did this..." Haku muttered, grabbing Sakura and walking over to the patient.

"Sasori of the Red Sand." Kankuro bit out, as the two medic-nin began their work. "Akatsuki, puppet master, the guy that fought and entire country's militia at once and won. This is the second Kazekage he's attempted to assassinate. He managed it last time."

Naruto frowned, stroking the fox. "Wasn't that Orochimaru?"

"He killed the fourth Kazekage. Sasori killed the third."

"Have _any_ of your leaders died of natural causes?"

"Kage don't tend to live long natural lives, blondie, and we're getting distracted."

Kankuro turned to Kakashi. "My sister is dying, and my brother is well on his way. I want the heads of the people responsible on _spikes_. Will you help?"

Kakashi turned. "Sakura? Haku?"

"We might be able to fix her up." Sakura replied, in business mode. "But I've never seen anything like this poison before. I've identified three different elements that will kill her in one quick check. Do you have any other samples of the poison?"

Kankuro twitched one finger. "Chiyo is coming now."

"Who's Chiyo?" Naruto asked.

"She has history with Sasori. She might be able to help."

"Ex-Girlfriend?"

Kankuro snorted. "Not exactly." To Kakashi, "And the other part? The murdering-the-assholes-that-did-this part?"

"I mean, that will be more difficult." Admitted Kakashi. "Considering we have no idea where they went, their tracks are long gone-"

"Show them the scrap you found." Sasuke called across to him, boredly. The Uchiha was stood separately to everyone else, staring up at the corner of the room curiously.

Kakashi scowled under his mask. "Fine, take all the fun out of it." He pulled some red fabric out of his pocket. "Behold. A scrap."

"The fuck is that." Kankuro asked.

"I'm glad you asked." Kakashi replied. "For you see...dammit Sasuke you took all the wind out of my sails now. This is _twice_."

"Be a better jonin." Sasuke shrugged, still looking at the corner.

"Punk...yeah it's a scrap off Sasori's clothes. My dog summons can use it to track him."

"Then we're burning time." Kankuro gestured. "Where are we going?"

"We?" Naruto squinted. "Uh, we're going to go fight some S rank ninja. Are you sure you can...do that?"

Kankuro managed to glare even with a bandage across his face. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't think I can fight."

Naruto blinked. "I...I can't."

"Exactly."

"He's not blind, Naruto." Sasuke came in to save his teammate. He held up a hand and waved it at an innocuous looking wall. "What's it like living in third person?"

Kankuro actually smiled. He twitched another finger, and a small wooden contraption (previously almost perfectly camouflaged) detached itself from the wall and scuttled along the floor. An eye was now visible on top of it.

"I'm not blind. I see everything that happens in this village." Kankuro explained.

"Oh, you got crippled and it gave you a massive power boost." Naruto realised. "It happens a lot in Jiraiya's books."

"Precisely." Kankuro smiled sweetly. "Remind me to thank Sai before I definitely don't murder him."

"Oh yeah, Suna's still incredibly salty about what happened four years ago." Sakura remarked, not looking up. "Weird that you'd hire us even though you want to seem more independent."

"Oh for-" Kankuro sighed. "You want me to say it? Fine. We need your help. Fuck my pride, I don't care. Just help me save my family."

The Konoha-nin exchanged glances.

"Crap he's being genuine I can't mock that." Naruto summarised.

There was some cackling, and the door opened. "Aww, it's good to see you're making friends, Kankuro. It really warms my old heart."

"Hey Chiyo." Kankuro waved. "The Leaf kiddies want your help."

"That's Sasori's ex?" Naruto screwed his face up, taking a good look at the old woman in a silly hat that walked in. "How old is this guy?"

"She's his grandmother." Kankuro sighed.

"Eugh! That's way worse!"

Kakashi smacked Naruto round the back of his head, eliciting a yelp, but Chiyo just laughed it off, before narrowing her eyes at the two ninja beside Temari's cot. "Oh I recognise that healing style. You two are Tsunade's students."

"...Yes?" Haku confirmed, questioningly.

"Your Kage was a real pain in my butt." Chiyo declared. "She kept healing the people I tried to poison."

"I'm...sorry?" Sakura tried.

"Eh, don't worry about it. That means you'll be useful." Chiyo turned to Kankuro. "Leave me with one of them and your sister will be fine." Her gaze darkened. "I imagine the rest will be going to fight Sasori."

"Let me guess." Sasuke drawled. "He's your grandson, so you don't want us to kill him."

"Oh no, he's crazy and he needs to go down." She dismissed. "I lost most of my empathy for him when he started turning his friends into puppets. Give him an extra kick for me, would you?"

"Just pointing out that there's also a guy called Deidara with clay explosives, and he did most of the work." Kankuro added.

"Oh yeah, kick him too."

Kakashi turned to the medics. "Which one of you two is staying?"

They looked at each other for a moment, before Haku sighed. "I'll stay. Strength is probably more useful than needles against puppets and explosions. Go get your man, Pinkie."

Sakura whooped.

* * *

"You do realise you're all going to die, right?" Gaara mused. He was in excruciating pain due to the gradual extraction of his bijuu, but years of living with said bijuu meant he was entirely capable of hiding that pain. There was a massive scary statue behind him that he was trying his hardest to ignore.

"You're remarkable chipper, considering what's going on." Sasori replied, sat next to him. When Gaara didn't respond to that, he sighed, and put on a mocking voice. "Why are we all going to die, mister Kazekage?"

"I'm glad you asked." Gaara smiled back. "It's because I did this thing called making friends during my tenure as Kazekage. And they're all going to come murder you."

"...That's it?"

"Is that not enough?"

"No I was just expecting something more."

"Hm." Gaara mused. "I suppose there's the fact that there aren't any civilians around in this...dingy cave...so you won't be able to hold a bunch of people hostage like you did with me." He smiled, with a vague aura of brutal slaughter. "If you'd like, you can let me go and we can try it again."

Deidara looked hopefully at Sasori.

"No." The puppet master glared, making the bomber huff and wander off.

Sasori walked across to Gaara and leaned towards him. "So, you think you've made friends? Rich. You do realise you're a monster, right? The only people coming after you will be trying to retrieve a war asset."

"I stopped you killing everyone in my village." Gaara replied. "And _you're_ calling _me_ a monster?"

Sasori chuckled, darkly. "Ah, an ethics lesson. I think you'll find most of the world sees things far more literally. Take it from someone who gave up on people long ago; 'friends' will always disappoint you."

Gaara looked up at him and smiled. There was no fear in his eyes. "You've never met Uzumaki Naruto."

Sasori scoffed and turned away.

"So what is the plan for you two?" Gaara called over his shoulders. "Are you just sitting around for a few days while I slowly die in front of you?"

Deidara snorted and looked up. "Few days? Where did you get that idea?"

"Oh. I just presumed-"

"If it took three days to seal a bijuu into the Gedo Mazo that would cause hella plotholes later on." The Akatsuki shrugged. "It takes minutes to hours, depending on how much Pain wants to help."

"Oh." Gaara felt the last wisps of sandy chakra leave his body. "Very well. I'll make a note that Akatsuki always finish quickly."

"...Was that a fucking-" by the time Deidara had stood up to retort, Gaara had already died.

* * *

"Hey Neji." Kisame called. "Do you want to send some clones to slow down the people hunting Deidara and Sasori but ultimately not kill anyone?"

"Doesn't that just sound like it would pointlessly pad the runtime without accomplishing anything?" Neji replied.

"Yeah, you're right."

Neji went back to crotcheting. Kisame went back to thinking about killing children.

* * *

"We're getting close." Said Kakashi's dog.

We're getting close!" Kakashi shouted backwards, somewhat pointlessly.

The five had broken free of Suna's oppressive desert and followed a river into grassier territories. Now they landed before the mouth of a large cave in a rock face. The opening thrummed softly.

"You seeing what I'm seeing?" Sasuke asked.

Kakashi lifted his headband, revealing his Sharingan, and nodded. "A barrier. Fuuninjutsu. Dammit."

"Puppet mastery is technically a sealing jutsu." Kankuro informed them, the little spider drone on his shoulder looking around. "Sasori's an expert. I heard he can literally put a seal in your brain and control you."

"Shit." Kakashi summarised. "We're going to need an expert if we want to unlock this-"

There was a flash, as a series of golden chains slammed into the barrier. Chakra shattered and dissolved as the glowing links whipped around, tearing the entryway apart.

"It's unlocked." Naruto responded, releasing the chains and letting them vanish. "C'mon, lets go."

"Fuckin' kids..." Kakashi growled. "Alright, fine, lets do this."

They ran in. The cave was very big, almost the size you'd expect of a massive fight arena or something, with only three figures on the inside. Naruto's breath hitched. Kankuro's fingers clenched.

"Well shit." Remarked a long haired blonde, relaxing atop a comfortable looking seat. "That was fast. You guys are good at this."

"Guys, I think this might be them." Sasuke deadpanned.

"Gee, what gave it away, the fact that they're _sat on Gaara's corpse_?" Naruto snarled. His voice had gradually increased in volume over the sentence. "Hey, Mrs eyepatch? **Get your skinny ass off my friend**."

"I'm a guy." The blond deadpanned.

"Great, he has Haku syndrome." Sakura summarised.

"Wow, look at all the fucks I don't give. Feet. Off. My brother." Kankuro glared.

"Stop using the Kazekage as a footrest, Deidara." Sasori told his companion.

Sighing dramatically, Deidara heaved himself off Gaara. He made sure to stomp on the boy's head as he got up.

Naruto's eyes flashed red. He began to dart forwards, but four glowing threads in his back held him from lunging straight for the Akatsuki's throat.

"Cool it." Kankuro hissed. "Revenge is easier to enjoy when you're calm."

Across the room, the duo in black were having their own discussion. "We trying for the ninetails?" Deidara asked his mentor, quietly enough that their attackers couldn't hear them.

"If the Kyuubi gets loose, its above our pay grade." Admitted Sasori, grudgingly. "Bait as many as you can then lose them, I'll kill whoever stays and we'll regroup. Leave the Uzumaki boy for Neji or Pain."

Aloud, he said "Ah, Kankuro. The boy with the ingenious turrets. How is your sister doing?"

"Temari will be fine, I'm afraid." Kankuro replied, reaching for a storage scroll behind his back.

"Really? How good to hear." A few ominous clicks came from within Sasori's body. "A shame that you will not have the same fortune. Now."

On 'now' Deidara grabbed Gaara's corpse and span, as Sasori's left arm came up and a hatch in it opened. A whirlwind of small needles blasted out towards them from it.

Naruto was quick to make wind release hand seals, but quickly aborted them as the rest of his squad dodged out of the way. As they did so, Deidara took the opportunity to form a large bird out of clay. It quickly clutched onto Gaara's corpse, and Deidara hopped onto it, gave them a wave, and it began to flap its way up out a hole in the ceiling.

"Shit-"

"Sasori-"

"Catch him-"

"Leave him to-"

"No, _you_ go-"

"I outrank you, dumbass-"

"Clay-"

"When did you make _jonin_ -"

But these were trained ninja, and by the time Sasori's needle attack finished the shouting had been evolved into a plan.

Naruto charged Sasori, shouting loudly and wielding a rasengan, but the Puppet-master slid his tail round and stabbed him in the stomach. Which was fine, because he was a shadow clone, and now Kakashi, Sakura and Naruto Prime leapt up after Deidara.

Sasori turned to intercept them but was forced backwards by a large fireball cutting across his path.

"Let's keep this between us, huh?" Sasuke offered, taking his hand away from his lips.

"We're going to 2V1 a member of the Akatsuki." Kankuro sighed, coming up behind Sasuke. "I'm _blind_ and we're 2V1ing Sasori of the Red Sand."

"Got any hax?" Sasuke asked, as their opponent turned towards them.

"I've got twenty puppets in sealing scrolls, but I can't use more than ten at once." Kankuro warned.

"I've got a high cost line of sight instakill." Sasuke provided. "But I have no idea if that's even his real body."

"Well," Kankuro palmed a sealing scroll. "we'll know once we've torn him apart."

Sasuke grinned, and drew a sword from his back. "Oh I think we're gonna work _great_ together."

* * *

 **My exams are over! I am FREEEE!**

 **Finally I have no more excuses other than to try and power through the roadblock I've hit.**

 **Shit.**

 **Hey, any of you got good ideas for Gokei Byakugan powers? Please, I need one more and my mind's completely blank.**

 **Congrats to those of you who noticed the AtLA references, and if this chapter felt rushed...it was. Ninja travelling for ten episodes at a time is not fun.**

 **See you next week for more violence!**


	50. Master of Puppets (not the song)

**Master Of Puppets (no, not the song)**

* * *

Massive chakra dickflop.

Noun

A massive chakra dickflop (or 'chakra flex') is when a shinobi uses a powerful and often wide-area jutsu just to show off how big their chakra reserves are. At genin levels anything as simple as a great fireball can count as one, but when Kage are trying to intimidate armies of foreign ninja the feats can reach large building or even city level in magnitude.

Uses:

1: "Then Jiraiya just flexed his chakra and summoned a fucking five storey toad in the middle of the hidden village."

2: "And then Hashirama went 'true ten thousand hands' and made a giant fuckoff Buddha statue like, we get it, your chakra dick is really big-"

"Madara it's been three days. Chill."

* * *

"Just thought I'd mention, we don't have an antidote to his poison and by all accounts he puts that shit on everything." Kankuro warned. "We can't get hit. Once."

"I didn't plan to." Sasuke held up Raito, and his Sharingan flashed. Then he grinned. "Oh man, that was a good one. Did you feel that?"

Across from them, Sasori's tail flicked through the air. "Those eyes...very desirable. I'm curious as to how useful they'll be once you've been turned into my puppet." His eyes flicked to Kankuro. "You too. I've never tried to use puppet mastery through a puppet before."

"He turns people into puppets." Kankuro whispered. "It's really fucked up."

"Yeah, I caught onto that." Sasuke charged. Sasori once again attempted the senbon cannon, but Sasuke didn't even falter, batting everything in his way right _out_ of it with his blade. The moment the flurry ended he sheathed it, and made hand seals. The chidori sprung to life in his palm. Sasori's tail spiked towards him, moving to skewer him where he stood, but Sasuke didn't stray from his path.

The small spider drone camouflaged on the his back did move though, jumping up towards the attacking limb.

Kankuro moved his fingers deftly, and the spider's chakra thread wound around the tail and tightened, restraining it just above Sasuke's head. The Uchiha continued unhindered, and blasted the chidori straight into Sasori. The wooden exterior exploded.

Splinters and shards went hurtling across the cave, landing in a mess some distance away.

"Well." Sasuke remarked. "I gotta say I thought that would take a bit bit more-Nope; nevermind he's still alive."

A figure rose up from the wreckage.

"That...wasn't too bad." Said a much younger voice. "I guess I'll have to take you both seriously."

"Wearing a puppet as armour...I should've thought of that." Kankuro muttered.

Standing up was a boy with red hair who didn't look much more than eighteen. "Do you know," he remarked with a smile, "I haven't had to use my real body in-"

"Is that a second Akatsuki cloak?"

"...years, what?"

Sasuke pointed. "Did you deadass get the Akatsuki to make you a _second cloak_ for when you're pretending to be a puppet?"

"Only two members of the Akatsuki have ever known of my true appearance." Sasori boasted, before saying a little quieter, "I had to get the second cloak commissioned."

Sasuke snorted. "How much did it cost?"

"Like 40 ryo."

"That's not bad actually, where did you-"

Sasori drew a scroll from his back and it glowed, before revealing its contents with a puff of smoke.

Sasuke heard Kankuro swear, and then felt a series of small points on his back tense. His eyes widened as he was yanked backwards by chakra strings, and only had a moment to wonder what the hell Kankuro was doing before the ground he was previously stood upon was torn apart by blades.

A puppet with blue hair and spines protruding from its arms looked up at him.

"That's the third Kazekage." Kankuro hissed, as Sasuke landed beside him. "The one he assassinated? Yeah we're fucked."

Sasuke took in the sight, Sasori's easy smile. "I take it he was strong?"

"The strongest so far."

"Did he have spike arms?"

"No, he just-"

"Did he have arm-arms?"

"What do you mean arm-arms?"

"That!" Sasuke pointed.

The Third's puppet reached out, and one of its arms opened to reveal a set of seals, out from which appeared more arms that stretched out in a tsunami towards the two teenagers.

Kankuro whipped his arms out and two of his puppets charged forwards with their own blades, slicing at the wooden poles.

Sasuke jumped forwards to join them, but then backed up again as purple clouds began spewing from the arms. "Poison gas?" He snarled. "Really? Kankuro, do you have wind release?"

"No, damnit, where's Temari when you need her..." Kankuro unsealed another puppet and sent it in. "Leave this to me."

Inside the smoke, the puppets were engaged in a full on brawl.

The Kazekage puppet was lethal, stronger and faster than any of Kankuro's, but the younger puppeteer had it outnumbered, and his own machines had an impressive number of tricks and traps contained within them. Sasuke dimly remembered that wielding more than one puppet at a time was incredibly difficult, and gave his teammate an appraising look.

Kankuro was (understandably) not looking up, his body posture was hunched, his arms were held out to either side like he was reading air currents, and his fingers were twitching like an inane person. But apparently it was working.

"These puppets are good." Sasori praised, from across the cave. "Who made them?"

"I did." Kankuro growled.

"Really? What happened to the ones I left in Suna?"

"I destroyed them."

"You-" Sasori's face actually showed some emotion. "What about the man and the woman with red hair?"

"Those too."

The missing-nin's eyes narrowed. "Those were my _parents_."

"Shouldn't have turned them into robots." Kankuro didn't even flinch.

"O- _ho_ -kay. You are very much going to die now." Sasori twitched, and his puppet's back opened.

A glimmering black fluid spilled out of the Third and whipped towards the other puppets, digging it's way into their mouths and joints. They stopped moving.

"Iron sand." Kankuro bit out, cutting chakra to the constructs and letting them collapse. "The puppets keep their owners' bloodline limits? That's bullshit."

Sasuke pat him on the shoulder, walking forwards. "Tag out. I got this."

More metal particulates appeared from the Third, forming into a large cube which it hurled straight at the two of them.

They dodged.

So it made another cube.

Sasuke found himself flinging himself around the cave to avoid all sorts of metal projectiles, from shuriken to giant blocks to spinning inverse pyramid things. Avoiding it got even harder when it sprouted metal wings (how do those help-) and began flying around the space. _Wait for it wait for it wait for it...there!_

The puppet turned the metal into tentacles like this was Konoha Ghoul and began flailing them at its opponents. Perfect. Sasuke charged up a lightning jutsu and waited. As a tendril swept for his legs, he sideflipped over it and blasted it with the technique, causing the electricity to conduct right through the metal and into the puppet itself. It made a horrible, far too human screeching noise, shuddering in place as it lost control of its wings and crashed to the floor. Sasori was quick to make it stab one of the tentacles into the earth as a ground wire, but not quick enough; one of Kankuro's puppets latched onto it and buried inside it, tearing it apart.

This immediately disintegrated all the metal constructs, including the one swinging for Sasuke, which left him free to bring his blade to bear on Sasori.

The Akatsuki jumped away, barely avoiding the sword, and all Sasuke was able to do was cut into his cloak, forcing him back against the wall. He sighed. "Forty ryo, asshole. Being a terrorist doesn't pay well, you know."

He unbuttoned the ruined cloak and threw it away.

Both of his opponents took a step back.

"What?" Smiled the human puppet. "You're not squeamish about nudity, are you?"

* * *

Temari awoke with a strangled gasp.

"She's up!" Called a black haired girl, hands glowing over the Suna girl's chest. "Calm down, breathe, Temari. You're safe."

Temari squinted upwards, trying to make the world stop spinning. "Haku? That you? What are you doing in...wait, where am I?"

"Everything went to shit." Haku summaried quite nicely. "Village got attacked, Gaara got kidnapped, you got poisoned."

"Gaara-"

Temari tried to sit up, and Haku calmly but firmly pushed her back down. "Easy. Your other brother and some of Konoha's finest are tracking him down now."

"Oh, she's awake?" An old lady leaned over Haku's shoulder. "Great! There was about a 30% chance that last dose would kill her."

"Chiyo." Somehow, despite her less than reassuring comments, the old lady had a comforting presence. Temari (more slowly, and Haku allowed it) sat up, rubbing her head. "Sasori."

"We know."

"Some blond guy on a bird."

"We know."

"So what are we doing about it?"

Haku sighed. "I told you, we sent-"

"Not them." Temari interrupted him. "What are _we_ doing about it?"

Chiyo 'hmm'ed. "Well, we've now got the cure to Sasori's poison, assuming he hasn't changed it in the past two days. And your brother and his friends may well be in dire need of it."

* * *

Sasuke and Kabuto both backed up a few steps. Sasori was very obviously not a human being anymore. There was a hatch in his bare stomach, seams at all his joints, and just for effect he was putting on a creepy head tilt.

"You are two of four people alive who've seen me like this." He mused. "One other was Hyuuga Neji, not much you can hide from him, and the last was Orochimaru."

"You knew that guy?" Sasuke asked. "We've kinda got history with him and want to murder his ass."

"Oh of course." Sasori nodded understandingly. "One of my spies with him is meeting me at Tenchi bridge ten days from now."

Kabuto frowned. "You're just...telling us this?"

"Well we were supposed to assassinate him anyway." The puppet master shrugged. "If you manage to kill me, at least you'll go on to finish my job. Alternatively," He pointed his arms forwards. "If I kill you, there's no harm, is there?"

"Oh, thanks, how reasona-"

Flames erupted from his palms.

Sasuke countered with a great fireball, the two jutsu clashing in the middle of the cave, and backed up until Kankuro used his threads to pull up some large rocks to use as cover.

Sasuke called across to him. "Do you have _water_ rel-"

"I'm a puppet master! I don't 'have nature transformations'!"

The flames cut out, and Sasuke jumped across to Kankuro's location, throwing a kunai. The flames immediately restarted, melting the kunai before it could even get halfway.

"Can we use your puppets as cover?" Sasuke tried.

"They're made of _wood_!"

"Fair enough...alright, new plan, we're gonna move this rock forwards until-"

The fire cut out, before being immediately followed by a jet of pressurised water that split the rock in two, and Sasuke was forced to grab Kankuro by his lapels and tug him away from it while he summoned more of his seeing-eye puppets. The water jets swept through the air like instadeath lasers, cutting holes in just about everything, but Sasori had made the mistake of using another attack that conducted electricity.

Sasuke pulled Raito and held it up, splitting the jet in two, and channeled lightning chakra into the blade. The electricity immediately conducted back across through the water and into Sasori's puppet body. He jerked, and the water cut off, and Sasuke immediately sprinted straight for him, sword pointed at the incredibly conspicuous thingy in his breast.

Without the Sharingan, he'd have been skewered.

The metal wire darted out of Sasori's chest, grounding him, and blades popped out of his shoulders and began spinning, and Sasuke had to stick his feet to the floor with chakra to arrest his momentum before-It was a _Trick_ -His face came within inches of the blades, and Raito was knocked out of his hands and up into the air. Sasori pressed forwards, and Kankuro once again had to grab Sasuke with chakra threads to pull him out of danger.

"You think I've never had to go up against lightning release before?" Sasori chuckled.

"Thanks again." Sasuke offered his ally, eyes tracking the movements of the spinning blades. "If it's just one melee opponent, I can take him. Can you be ready to bail me if I can't get away?"

Kankuro nodded.

"I'd hate to interrupt your incredibly unsubtle planning, but..." The wires within Sasori's chest began spinning rapidly. "Allow me to completely interrupt that plan.

Red secret technique. Master of a hundred puppets."

"Oh shit." Sasuke gulped. "Kankuro! Massive chakra dickflop incoming!"

Sasori pulled another scroll from his back, but this one didn't simply conjure one puppet. It made, well, have a guess how many puppets the 'master of 100 puppets' jutsu creates.

"How many can you control?" Sasuke whispered.

"Four." Kankuro whispered back.

"Cmon, dude-"

"Oh fuck you!"

Sasori gestured, and the puppets flew in.

* * *

"Get him!"

"Vengeance for Gaara!"

"Blood for the blood god!"

"Skulls for the iron throne!"

"Will you two both _calm down_ please?"

Sakura, Naruto realised, wasn't so bad to be around after all. Sure, when he'd essentially functioned as a blocker between her and Sasuke she'd been a _massive_ pain, but now he was starting to appreciate her viciously witty streak.

Or maybe they were just bonding over their desire to hunt down and beat up the Gaara-Killing-Clay-Throwing-Piece-Of-Shit currently flying off on a bird.

Naruto squinted at the fleeing Akatsuki, just out of range and slowly (now he had some wind to work with) pulling away from them.

"Sakura!" He shouted. "Throw me!"

She looked across at him, understood, and grinned.

They locked forearms, Sakura planted her feet on a branch, and yote Naruto up above tree level. He bled momentum fast, but it got him close enough to launch a set of adamantine chains to wrap around the bird's tail.

It screeched, Naruto fell, he had a flash of deja-vu, and then he braced as his legs crashed back into the tree trunks.

After a few resounding crashes, he was able to stick himself to a tree without destroying it and keep the bird still, albeit flapping wildly in one spot. That was when Sakura stepped on Naruto's face. "Hey!"

She ignored him, sprinting straight up his chains (he realised, impressed, that she'd have to be balancing entirely without any tree-walking techniques) chasing straight for the struggling bird. Deidara quickly span in place, manifesting clay in his hands, but Sakura didn't even bother to reach him, launching a chakra enhanced punch that smashed the bird apart, then grabbing Gaara's body as it fell. Deidara angrily hurled one of the blobs at her, but before it could land she disappeared to be replaced with a grinning Naruto clone.

The explosion lit up the sky.

A few moments later, the three Konoha-nin landed in a clearing, where Deidara was busy brushing clay debris off his clothes.

"Alright." Deidara sighed. "You're all super fucking annoying."

"I know." Kakashi sighed.

"It's a gift." Naruto smiled, sweetly.

"Uh huh?" Deidara began spewing clay from some gross-ass mouth on his hand, forming some four legged animal in front of him. "Well then. If you wanna fight the guy that just killed the Kazekage, you step right up."

Kakashi and Sakura immediately stepped right up, but Naruto held out a hand to forestall them. _Hey Kyuubi?_ He asked, inside his head.

 _ **What?**_ Came a bored voice.

 _Gimme power._

 ** _No._**

 _Please?_

 ** _I'm not stooping to give you my power so you can fight some little blond crossdresser._**

 _Oh, alright, fine, I just thought..._

 ** _...what?_**

 _This guy beat the One tails jinchurikki in a fight. If we beat him..._

 ** _I already_ know _I'm stronger than Shukaku._**

 _Me too. But won't it be fun to rub his face in it?_

 ** _...Heh. Go._**

"Guys?" Naruto said aloud. "You might want to stand back."

His eyes flashed red. A glowing, bubbling crimson aura burst into existence around him, forming two ears above his head and one long tail out his back.

" **I'll take care of this one**." Said the nine tails jinchurikki, charging forwards.

* * *

"This-" _whoomph_ " technique is-" _crash_ "So-" _boom_ "BULLSHIT!"

On the plus side, Sasuke found that his great fireball technique was very effective against Sasori's wooden ass puppets. On the minus side; there were _one-hundred_ of them. His Sharingan was darting about like nobody's business trying to keep track of them all and his only consolation was that only so many could try and ram their weapons down his throat at once. Kankuro was doing equally horribly, the ground around him was littered with destroyed puppets as his active four formed a defensive perimeter around him and tried desperately to keep him safe.

 _Crap, what do I have. Fire jutsu? Insufficient. Chidori? Good against Sasori but I can't reach him. The swords? Most of them are just swords, they won't-_

 _A-ha._

He battled his way over until he was side by side with Kankuro.

"I have a plan!" He shouted. "Maybe!"

"What?" Kankuro yelled back, making an impressive attempt to keep track of everything without any ocular powers (or, in fact, eyes.)

Sasuke reached for his left bracer where seven seals (two currently blacked out) resided on the inside leather. He tapped one specifically, and through a burst of smoke drew out a thin, blade sized needle with a long coil of wire attached to one end.

"What is that?" Kankuro asked, seeing it with one of his puppets.

"Nuibari!" Sasuke replied. "One of the seven-"

"Why does it help?"

Not bothered to explain, Sasuke used a genjutsu to shove the information into Kankuro's head.

"...Oh. That...might work."

"Yeah! Hold this!" Sasuke threw the wire coil into Kankuro's hands and ran. The first puppet he encountered, he speared the blade straight through its chest. The piercing attack had no effect on the puppet, but Sasuke ignored that entirely, stepping out from behind it to launch the needle against the _next_ puppet. And the next. And the next. The thin wire glinted.

Nuibari was perhaps the weirdest of the seven swords of the mist, and that included the one-that-was-really-an-axe and the one-that-exploded-when-you-swung-it. The point of it, apparently, was that you impaled some people with it, and then channelled your chakra into the wire to manipulate their corpses and make some pretty patterns. Which sounded absolutely stupid. It was only after visiting Suna that he'd had an idea about what the sword's original purpose might have been.

After all, Hidden Mist must have had _some_ puppet masters, right?

Kankuro, letting loose more and more wire as Sasuke continued his stabbing spree, gave it a little tug. The puppets moved.

He tugged it again. The puppets moved once more. He grinned. "Mist, you sly bastards. It's a puppet-stealer." he dropped all control of his own contraptions, grabbed the wire with both hands, and poured his chakra into it.

Across the room, Sasori (previously sat on a rock picking his nose) jumped up in surprise as a small contingent of his puppets began disobeying his commands. He checked that, yes, the chakra strings were intact and functioning, but nonetheless ten of the remaining puppets had turned on their brethren. Then eleven, then twelve-

"What are you doing?" He snarled, looking across at the duo.

"You broke my toys." Kankuro fired back. "So now? I'm playing with yours."

Sasori glowered.

"That was another good one-liner we are _killing_ it today-" Sasuke called out, continuing his rampant 'hacking' of Sasori's combatants, as the number of puppets on either side began to even out. Not to mention Kankuro was becoming more comfortable wielding his end of Nuibari, and the fights were becoming closer deals.

The air was filled with the sound of clashing blades, smashing wood and mechanical rending noises.

Sasori, clearly unhappy with the proceedings, made to join the fray. His central wire extended out like a grappling hook, clamping down onto one of the stolen puppets, and he accelerated towards it.

Sasuke realised the problem; Sasori only had to sever the wire in one place to cut the effects entirely.

Midair, he jumped off his latest victim, gauged distances with his Sharingan, threw his sword into the air and spun, kicking it as hard as he could over his own head.

Just as Sasori's spinning blades moved towards the wire, Nuibari penetrated straight through his stomach and out the other side.

Sasori's eyes widened in surprise.

Then Kankuro caught the sword, and holding both ends tugged, sharply.

The puppet-man froze in midair.

That was when everything happened very quickly.

Kankuro threaded his end of the wire through the needle again and pulled, and the wire's long loop tightened. Fast. Over thirty puppets were all tugged violently inwards, including Sasori himself, as the circle grew tighter and tighter. All were forced into a tight bundle right in front of Kankuro, just as Sasuke fell from the sky with a loud shout and a Chidori trailing from his lead arm, and crashed down onto Sasori's body.

There was a massive flash of light, as some of the closer puppets were vaporised entirely, and lightning chakra tore all the surrounding ones to threads. The light was almost enough to keep Sasuke from noticing the strange cylinder, pulsing with chakra, that flew relatively unharmed from the wreckage.

Almost.

 _Oh no you don't-_ "Amateras-hngh!"

Threads wrapped around Sasuke's head and jerked it downwards, pulling his focal point off the core and forcing the black flames to burst into existence on the floor a few steps away.

 _He can use the threads even as a-that's not fair!_

Sasuke didn't see much other than the floor, but he felt the puppet wreckage he'd landed in move at Sasori's command, making dozens of parts tighten around his body and put him in a complete bind, then force him to a kneel on the stone ground.

He heard swearing and shouting from Kankuro, undergoing the same treatment, and he heard a clunk as, presumably, Sasori's core fit into a new puppet.

"That." Said the puppetmaster's voice from behind him. "Was exceedingly close."

"I know this is a bit rich coming from me." Sasuke recited. "But your powers are bullshit."

"Oh it is rich." There was a flash of a foot in Sasuke's peripheral as Sasori walked over to inspect the Amaterasu. "You know, I never thought I'd be grateful to Orochimaru for spending so long going on and on about the Leaf's dojutsu. Rule one, he said; never let the Uchiha look at you."

The strings tightened, Sasuke felt bloodflow to his brain begin to slow.

"Tell me, Uchiha." (Sasuke made sure to pinpoint exactly where Sasori's voice was coming from.) "How does it feel to have your precious eyesight rendered useless?"

"I-" Sasuke coughed. "I'd have thought you'd have realised by now. Just because someone can't see..." his right eye shifted pattern, "doesn't mean they can't kill you.

Blaze release; Kagutsuchi."

The Amaterasu he'd lit upon the ground rushed across it, and was upon Sasori in an instant, and the Akatsuki let out a blood-curdling shriek as his form was engulfed in black flames.

Almost immediately he lost control over his threads, and Sasuke was released from the cage of puppet parts, which only resulted in him flopping ungracefully to the floor.

* * *

Kabuto blinked, as the mind control was released. "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

Sasuke turned his head, eyes bleeding, to look the rapidly melting metal scrap that used to be an S-rank ninja. "I guess you could say the puppeteer...uh, fire...dammit, I was doing so good on the action hero lines."

There was a rough grip on his shoulder, and Kankuro pulled him to his feet. "I'm sure you can be forgiven, just this once." He'd pulled out another puppet to see with, and it was looking worriedly at Sasori's remains. "Mind telling me what the _hell_ that was?"

"Blaze release." Sasuke stretched, closing his eyes against the blinding headache. "My personal and incredibly painful nature transformation."

"There's no such thing as blaze release."

"Well technically it's just really good fire release, but do you really wanna debate me on it?"

Sasori's corpse bubbled slightly. Kankuro looked to it, then back at Sasuke. "No."

"Precisely. C'mon, lets find my swords and get on after the others."

* * *

With a loud boom, Deidara crashed into the ground.

Naruto landed perfectly calmly in front of him, brushing some lint off his shoulder. In his left hand, he casually hefted one of Deidara's arms, sniffed it, then chucked it to one side.

Around them was a scene of...middling to large devastation. Trees had been uprooted, foot-deep claw marks were etched into the ground, explosion craters peppered the area. Kakashi and Sakura were stood a few metres back, staring at their teammate with just a little fear in their eyes.

Deidara stood up, clutching his stump arm and glaring at them. "Well damn. _That's_ why they were saving the nine-tails for Pain."

"That was _one_ tail of power." Naruto grinned. "Do you want all nine?"

 ** _Can we_ make _him fight all nine?_**

 _No._

 ** _You're no fun._**

The chakra cloak dispersed from around Naruto's form, and he stretched as his two teammates came to stand beside him.

"Heh. No thanks. But if I'm going out, I'm sure as hell not doing it like a little bitch." Deidara shrugged off the tattered remnants of his cloak and put his hand on the mouth on his chest. "This is a little something I like to call my 'suicide bomb' technique. Ten guesses what it does."

Naruto tilted his head. "...Does it blow you-"

"Yeah it blows me up." Deidara started glowing, grinning at them. "Don't bother trying to run. This is gonna destroy the whole damn forest."

"Crap." Sakura summarised. "What do we do?"

"I got nothing." Admitted Naruto.

"I could stop him." Kakashi mentioned.

"What?" The two chunin rounded on him. "That's great! Do it!"

Kakashi sighed. "I dunno."

There was a pause.

"Sorry what?" Naruto repeated.

"I mean," Kakashi looked down dejectedly, "It just feels like you and Sasuke haven't been appreciating me very much recently. You've really hurt my feelings and I don't know if I'm up to this."

"You're-" Naruto looked between him and Deidara, the latter of which was making a gradually more high pitched humming noise. "You're holding us all hostage because we hurt your ego?"

"Does he do stuff like this often?" Sakura asked.

"All the time." Naruto sighed. "For the...Kakashi-sensei, you're an amazing ninja who's very strong and talented."

"And attractive?" Kakashi looked up hopefully.

"And attractive." Naruto growled. "And intelligent and you have great taste in masks. Now save us from the exploding person! Please?"

"See that's more like it." Kakashi walked forwards and lifted his headband. "Hey Deidara. Knock knock."

Five seconds from exploding, the Akatsuki raised an eyebrow. "Who's there?"

"Kamuiy."

"Kamuiy wh-"

There was a muffled boom.

* * *

Countries away, Tobi looked up into the middle distance.

"Something wrong?" Asked Neji, playing cards with Hidan.

Tobi didn't say anything for a long time. Then, heavily, "Someone blew up my sandcastle."

"The one in the different dimension you keep telling us you have?" Hidan checked.

"Ye that one."

"Shame."

They went back to doing whatever they had been doing.

* * *

 **Always did wonder what Nuibari was supposed to do. This is all massively headcannon, but I thought it would be a fun inclusion.**

 **Sasori is defeated! Sasuke is making friends, Temari isn't dead (Shia Surprise!) and Naruto is flexing his Kyuubi muscles. Again, guys, he is _really_ strong, but things are gonna get shaken up as we progress.**

 **Next week, the fallout of the attack.**


	51. Aftermath 5: Who Botched the Mission?

**Aftermath 5: Who Botched the Mission?**

* * *

"You fucking _what_?"

Sasuke and Kankuro had reunited with Kakashi, Naruto and Sakura on their way back to Suna. Kankuro was busy talking to Sakura, stood with his brother's body. Sasuke had...other concerns.

"His eye changed pattern." Naruto recited. "Then he said 'Kamuiy' and absorbed the entire explosion."

"You-" Sasuke rounded on Kakashi. The Jonin had his headband down over his eye, and a smug look on his face. "You have a _Mangekyo Sharingan_?"

"Yeah." Kakashi replied.

" _HOW_? HOW DID YOU EVEN _GET_ A SHARINGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

"Well you see..." The jonin paused, looking for the words. "Because I'm Hatake Kakashi. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

"I-You-" Sasuke threw his hands up in the air, walked away a few steps, then turned back. "Why have you never used this before?"

"When have I ever needed to use it before?"

" _When_ -" Sasuke thought about it. "The Wave mission. You were stuck in the water prison, we had to bail you out."

Kakashi snorted. "You think I was stuck in there?"

"You-" Sasuke connected the dots. "It was a _test_? You were _testing_ us?"

"Yeah."

"Zabuzza was almost _Kage_ Level!"

"You're still alive, aren't you?" Kakashi pointed out. "And Zabuzza was _not_ Kage level. He could have assassinated Mei, probably, because Mei's fodder, but that's it."

"I don't believe this." Sasuke walked off in a sulk.

"What was all that about me needing to be a better Jonin?" Kakashi called after him.

"Fuck you!"

Sasuke stopped his dramatic exit as three forms blurred past him in the other direction, landing in front of the group. Two healers, supporting one blond kunoichi.

"Oh, good. You're all still alive." Chiyo remarked.

"Mostly." Temari winced, pointing.

"His body's intact." Sakura told Kankuro, running glowing green hands over Gaara. The red haired boy was laying on the floor, perfectly still. "Physically fine, no poison...just sort of empty."

"Bijuu extraction." Chiyo explained, walking up. "Seen it before. The relationship between Jinchurikki and Bijuu is symbiotic; the beast's chakra and the human's mix, chakra coils expand to compensate, and if the beast's chakra is removed, all the jinchurikki's is ripped away with it. Then before they can regenerate it..."

"When have you ever seen _this_ before?" Kankuro asked her.

"About fifteen years ago." Chiyo told them. "In Shukaku's previous host, after I'd just transferred it into Gaara."

" _You_ did-"

"Do you know what happened to the bijuu?" Chiyo ignored Kankuro's outbreak. "It's not a great idea to leave them running around unchecked."

The rest of the group looked at Naruto.

He frowned, looking off into the middle distance. "Nnnno. Actually. Kyuubi couldn't sense him anywhere in the cave, or chasing after Deidara. And Sakura's right, there's no Big Sandy in Gaara anymore. It's like he's..."

"In a new host. An Akatsuki host." Kakashi frowned. "That's not good."

"If we found Shukaku." Kankuro 'looked' up, knuckles white. "Put the bijuu back, do you think-"

"Not enough." Chiyo sighed. "You could jumpstart the body but his soul's already in the pure lands. You're not getting that back, not without..." she paused.

Everyone's eyes slowly turned to her.

"Shit." She muttered.

"You have a way?" Temari asked, voice cracking.

"Please. He's our brother." Kankuro begged her.

Chiyo growled to herself. "Damn kids and their damn puppy dog eyes...'Kisho Tensei'. It's a suicide jutsu; if the body is in good condition, it lets you sacrifice your own life to restore theirs. Can't help if he's been cut in half, poisoned, or is dying of old age, but in special cases like this, yeah, it could bring him back. Problem is I'm old and frail; I don't have the chakra to revive him successfully."

There was silence. The group looked at Gaara, each other, Chiyo, and back again.

And then...

"Aaight. Teach it me."

Temari's eyes widened and she looked up in surprise. "Kankuro-"

"I'm strong enough." The middle sand sibling rolled his shoulders. "Teach me the suicide jutsu. I'll bring him back."

"Kankuro, you can't." Temari hissed. "It'll kill you."

"Yeah. That's what 'suicide' does."

Chiyo gave them both a critical eye. "I remember a boy," She said, "who thought his youngest sibling was a monster. Who preferred the company of puppets to that of his family. What's changed now, Sabaku no Kankuro?"

Kankuro looked down. His fingers twitched, as though he was attempting to manipulate a puppet that wasn't there.

"You know, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life." He started. "Failing entirely to dodge this one sword swing, that was a mistake. Failing entirely to aim my turret-puppets properly, that was another big one. But the biggest mistake I've ever made was not being there for my little brother when he was growing up. Because he thought that everyone hated him, and he might just have been right. And _then_ ," Kankuro choked a little, "after the mess in Konoha? He thought he had to apologise to _me_."

Chiyo stared at him, unmoving.

"So I'm not fucking this bit up." The young puppeteer sighed. "If I've gotta die to give Gaara an actual life, then I'll do it. Just...let him know I loved him, alright?"

There was silence. Naruto sniffed.

"Well then." Chiyo shrugged. "I suppose the bitchiest thing to do right now is make you live with the embarrassment after giving that speech."

"What-"

"Whiskers, come here. I need to borrow some chakra."

Chiyo walked over to Gaara, cracking her knuckles, and Naruto hesitantly followed.

"I thought you said you didn't-"

" _I_ don't have enough chakra, but _you_ should have plenty to spare." Chiyo chuckled. "I just need a temporary pulse of bijuu goodness to set him off with, and then once he's back on his feet he'll start replenishing it on his own. Don't worry, you won't have to die to get this to work."

"Are _you_ actually gonna die to do this?" Naruto asked, laying his hands on Gaara's body as instructed.

"Kid, good rule to live by." Chiyo explained. "If ever you're in doubt about a decision, pick the one with the coolest way to die."

"I think you're my new role model." Naruto gaped.

"Damn right. Now, start pouring when I say."

It wasn't a very dramatic event, bringing Gaara back from the dead.

There was no swelling musical orchestra, no bright lights, no powerful whirlwind that lifted up Gaara's form.

Naruto poured some of his chakra into Gaara, and Chiyo did the same, and over a few minutes her posture sagged, and her eyes closed. Eventually she leaned back, exhaled, and daintily-as-you please lay backwards onto the grass.

And that was that.

A few moments later, Gaara coughed. "The...fuck?"

Everyone clustered around as the ex-jinchurikki slowly sat up, wincing, and looked around at them all.

"Gaara? You okay?" Temari asked.

"Huh. I told them I had good friends." Was all he responded with, smiling.

* * *

The Konoha-nin stayed for Chiyo's funeral.

It was a fairly grand affair, as she had been a well respected member of the village for a long time.

Gaara, as Kazekage, gave a speech, pointing out that he was the last in a long line of people who owed their lives to the woman, and the Leaf five respectfully ignored the part where he talked about how many people from the other villages she'd killed. "Suna has not known many like her," Gaara concluded, "and now it is up to us to follow in her example."

"Two dead Akatsuki for one old woman." Kankuro said after the speech, stood beside foreigners. "I'm pretty sure that qualifies as mission success. I know Chiyo would have made the trade in a heartbeat, so I can't really complain."

"Did you know her well?" Naruto asked.

"We got pretty close after that one time we attacked your village." Temari explained, walking up. "It was nice to have some sort of parental figure, if only for a few years. Kami knows we had a lot to catch up on."

"Shukaku is still missing." Kakashi reminded them. "So I can't really say we succeeded-"

"The big softie is trying to say that this was on the house." Sasuke interrupted. "Gaara's our friend, as weird as that is, so you don't have to pay us to help save him. Plus," he smirked, "the bragging rights for Konoha is payment enough."

"I'll let you have that one." Kankuro sighed. "But don't expect Suna to come begging for help anytime soon. We can go it alone, as long as we remember to stick together. Uh, does that make any sense?"

"About as much sense as you can expect a ninja to make." Naruto grinned.

Gaara walked off the stage to meet them. Physically he'd recovered very quickly from, well, death. As a matter of fact, he was looking better than they'd ever seen him. "How was the speech?" He asked, impassively.

Naruto opened his mouth, but was beaten by a pink form flying past him and colliding with Gaara.

"You did amazing, darling!" Sakura said, draping herself over the Kazekage's left arm. "I'm so proud of you!"

"Thank you, Sakura." Gaara replied, wrapping the arm around her waist and smiling at her.

Naruto held up a finger and pointed between them. "Wait, is that... _mutual_?"

"I respect her determination, drive, dry wit and skill with medical ninjutsu." Gaara summarised. "Also she has a nice ass."

Kakashi choked.

"He's unfallibly polite, respectful and powerful." Sakura explained. "Also he has a nice ass."

Kankuro choked.

"Oh yeah, sorry Sasuke." Sakura turned to him with a scornful look. "But Gaara's actually _nice_ to me, which is more than I ever got from _you_."

"What do you-" Naruto elbowed his best friend, and Sasuke recovered quickly, and made a sorrowful face, lowering his head respectfully towards her. "Right, I understand. I hope he makes you happy."

He turned around to Naruto and mouthed _YES!_ with an ecstatic look on his face.

"You do realise we're gonna have to find you a girlfriend eventually, right?" Naruto checked in with his best friend.

"Eventually." Sasuke nodded. "Not now."

"That was a decent excuse back when we graduated but you're, what, fifteen now? And you've never even had a date."

"Oh like you're one to talk."

"Hey, my first crush turned out to be a dude. What do you think put me off Sakura? I'm never trusting anyone that flat ever again."

"You what-?" Sakura shouted-

"You had a what-?" Haku gasped-

Kakashi sighed as the two medics entered the heated debate, leaving him and the three sand siblings watching in amusement. "Does it make any sense that I've missed this?" He remarked to them.

Kankuro chuckled. "About as much sense as you can expect a ninja to make."

* * *

Fifth Hokage Tsunade put the mission report down and whistled. "Well, that was a rollercoaster."

"The Akatsuki traded two members for a jinchurikki. A jinchurikki one of them _beat_. They've failed, right?" Naruto asked, concerned.

"Treated on its own, this is a serious blow to them, yes." Tsunade admitted. "But if you look at the bigger picture..."

"It's not the first time they've gone Bijuu hunting." Kakashi frowned. "Naruto. Remember right after your chunin exams?"

"They went after the Kyuubi." Naruto gulped. "You think this is just step one?"

"I'll warn the other villages." Tsunade decided. "Lightning has the eight tails, Mist has the three, two's still under lock and key, but more than one of the jinchurikki are out of the hidden villages' control. We won't be able to warn them."

"We can protect _me_ , though, and the nine tails can beat most of the others at once." Naruto pointed out, smugly, then winced when everyone looked at him, "Sorry. Kyuubi talking."

"You think they want _all_ the beasts?" Haku asked. "What for?"

"The last person to hold all the Bijuu was Senju Hashirama, and he could have ruled the world if he'd fancied. Though he hardly needed them to do that..." Tsunade shrugged. "Whatever their reasoning, my sources say they're moving."

"We have sources?" Sasuke asked. "How do we have _sources_ in the Akatsuki?"

Tsunade smiled, wryly. "Your brother just got back. I don't know how he does it, but he's not been wrong yet."

* * *

Itachi shuffled his cards.

"Do you have any fours?" Asked Neji's shadow clone.

Itachi sighed, and flicked one over. "This is no fun when you can see what's on my cards, asshole. Also, what's your murder club doing?"

* * *

"But we have more pressing concerns." Tsunade turned on Sasuke. "Namely, what you heard about Orochimaru."

The room fell silent, and the killing intent in the air went up by about fifty percent.

"We're not letting that slide, are we?" Naruto tried not to make it a threat, and failed.

"No chance." Tsunade rolled her shoulders. "I doubt I need to give you much in the way of instructions about this next one. I take it you all want to go?"

"Can't." Haku held a hand up apologetically. "Mei wants me back in Mist over the next few days. Something important, apparently. I can be the one to warn her about the Akatsuki?"

"Alright. I'll sort out a replacement. I'm sure I can scrounge up someone of your skill level." Tsunade agreed. "Any other concerns?"

"Uh; yeah, actually." Kakashi held up his hand. "One small problem-"

He promptly collapsed face first onto the carpet.

Tsunade sighed. "I suppose I'll also have to get you a new team captain."

* * *

Sasuke walked into the Uchiha living room, and sat down on the sofa. A few moments later, Itachi appeared in the doorway, and sat down next to him.

"Kakashi's Sharingan has the thing." Sasuke said, immediately.

"I know." Itachi replied.

"And you...don't care?"

"Your father actually decreed no harm was to come to him for having one." Itachi admitted. "Respect for his work in the war, maybe? Or just that Obito was such an embarrassment dad didn't want people thinking about him..."

"Who?"

"The guy Kakashi's Sharingan came from. Weak, even by regular ninja standards, though he was only a genin when he died."

"Well, either way, Kakashi can't use it very well." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "He used some space-time ninjutsu once, acted fine all the way back to Konoha, then faceplanted in Tsunade's office. Drama queen."

"Hmph." Itachi smiled. "I heard you killed one of the Akatsuki. How did that go?"

"Kankuro helped." Sasuke defended. "And...I had to use _it_ to win."

Itachi's face fell. "One, or-"

"Both."

"That's not good."

"I know. In hindsight I should have kept Naruto with me, a few hundred shadow clones would have done me a lot of good, but apparently he was integral to beating Deidara, so..."

"You're alive." Itachi reassured. "That's all that matters. It's alright to use it as a crutch until you're strong enough without it, but...be careful. I'd rather you be able to _see_ the candles on your eighteenth birthday."

Sasuke was forced to concede Itachi's point. He'd used his powers seven times total (hadn't even managed the Susanno yet) but comparing it to memories of his battle with Kimimaro, yeah, there was difference in clarity. His Sharingan still blew normal vision out of the water, but it was a scary thing.

"Not to mention now you're going after _Orochimaru_ of all people." His elder brother continued. "Just remember-"

Itachi was interrupted as he broke out coughing.

Sasuke winced, patting his brother on the back. "You alright? That's getting worse."

"I'm-eugh-fine." Itachi shook his head. "Caught something nasty while I was scouting the-"

"That's what you said the last two times." Sasuke gave him a look. "Have you tried going to Tsunade about it?"

"Tried, sure." Itachi mumbled. He wiped some blood from the corner of his mouth and sighed. "Anyway. Good luck."

Itachi didn't quite vanish, more blurred out the door. If Sasuke had had his Sharingan on, he'd have been able to track it, no problem. He wasn't sure if that meant he was getting faster...or, worryingly, that his brother was slowing down.

He shook off the nasty thought as his father walked in through the door, a few seconds later. "Are you alright son? That was a nasty cough."

"I'm fine, dad." Sasuke stood up, smiling. "Must have caught something in Suna. Did you want help laying the table?"

* * *

"Hey Sai!"

The Root member, assassin, spy, torturer and otherwise bad egg turned around with a smile to see his boyfriend walking towards him. "Good morning, Haku."

The Mist native walked forwards and gave him a quick kiss, before leaning back with his hands in his pockets. "I hear you're replacing me on Team Kakashi. Or, well, I suppose it would be team 'Yamato' now. You know the other new guy?"

"ANBU captain, inherited the wood style somehow, experienced and talented." Sai listed off the things he was _supposed_ to know. "We've worked together before. I think we'll do well."

Haku nodded, but something was obviously bothering him. "Hey, Sai. You know your dark master?"

Sai winced. "Please stop calling him that."

"Right, it's just..." Haku met his eyes. "There aren't any evil plans going on around this mission, right?"

And Sai said "No." You know, like a liar.

Haku sighed, visibly relieved, and Sai immediately felt like shit. "Thanks for reassuring me. I just...well, Sasuke and Naruto are my friends, you know? Actually," Haku's eyes took on a gleam. "Tell you what. If you pull off this mission successfully-" he leaned forwards and whispered something in Sai's ear.

The pale boy's eyes widened to the size of saucers and, for the first time in years, a full on blush appeared on his checks. "You'll-"

"Uh-huh." Haku grinned.

"How will you get Ino-"

"You know she'd jump at the chance to join in with _that_."

Sai coughed, and straightened his posture. "I...look forward to it."

"Great!" Haku clapped him on the shoulder and smiled. "Send me a letter when you all get back, okay?"

Sai watched him jump away. He wondered, not for the first time, if it was even possible to avoid this particular command from Danzo.

But there never had been before.

* * *

 **And now to forget Suna exists until the kage summit.**

 **Kankuro finishes up his character arc of becoming less of a prick (better than canon, where he didn't** _have_ **a character arc) and forces turn their eyes towards a perfectly innocent snake man in the woods. Sai is still feeling the** _massive overbearing guilt_ **of being an evil murder child who works for a treacherous eye man, and Haku is still prettier than any of us will ever be. Up next, Tenshi Bridge Reconnaissance time! Also, _Fuck_ the word reconnaissance.**

 **Bloody french...**


	52. We'll Burn That Bridge 2

**We'll Burn That Bridge When We Get To It #2**

* * *

"Sai!" Naruto jumped forwards and crushed the boy in a hug. "It's been ages! How ya been?"

"I am fine. Thank you for asking."

Leaning against Konoha's gate, Sasuke took his eyes off the pair and looked across at the other person with them. "And you are?"

"Yamato." The man inclined his head. "A pleasure to meet you both."

Sasuke squinted. "You wouldn't happen to work for Root, would you?"

"I used to," Yamato admitted, "but of course that branch has been defunct for several years now."

"Of course." Sasuke grit his teeth. "Hey Naruto? The other one's an adult Sai."

"Aw crap." Naruto released his hug. "Did we have anyone seducing this one?"

"No."

"Ugh." Naruto waved his hand vaguely at Yamato. "Friendship magic. Poof, you're a good guy."

Yamato tilted his head. "...Thank you?"

"Ignore him." Sasuke waved it off. "You two understand the mission, right?"

"Meet with Sasori's informant, extract information of Orochimaru's location, apprehend Hyuuga Hinata and assassinate Orochimaru."

Sai and Yamato recited, perfectly in sync with each other.

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged glances. "Yeah...although really that's _our_ mission." Naruto specified.

Sasuke extrapolated. " _Your_ job is to follow a few paces behind, offer tactical info and compliments, and bail us out if we do something too stupid. Other than that..." his grin turned a bit sharp. "It's probably safer to stay out of our way."

* * *

And then everyone trekked over to Tenchi bridge and waited until the relevant day but that's boring so nobody could be bothered to write about it.

* * *

" _This was a terrible idea_." Naruto hissed from the underbrush, as Yamato (disguised as Sasori) walked out onto Tenchi bridge.

"Relax." Sasuke genjutsu-spoke back. "We gave him a signal for when he needs our help. Besides, wood clones are like shadow clones but more durable, there's no way to tell Yamato apart from Sasori."

" _Unless he attacks him_." Sai casually pointed out.

"Well, yeah." Sasuke turned back to the bridge. "Oh, look, it's that one asshole."

Yahushi Kabuto, older but still with that shit-eating grin on his face, walked out onto the bridge.

"Master Sasori." He greeted. "Good to see you."

"Servant." Yamato replied in Sasori's voice, calmly. "I trust Orochimaru is not here to accompany you."

Kabuto chuckled. "That old fool still has no idea I'm really working for you, I assure you. He should still be sitting alone in our hideout."

"Your hideout...?" Yamato trailed off.

"Yes, our hideout." Kabuto nodded. "Now. Do you have the package?"

"Shit." Sasuke muttered.

"Of course." Yamato shifted. "The package."

"The package."

"That I have."

"Yes."

"Which I am giving to you."

"Yes."

"There...is a problem with that."

"Oh?"

The Sasori shell was visibly concerned. "I...lost it."

Kabuto tilted his head. "You lost the package."

"Yes. There were...unforeseen complications."

"Really."

"Yes."

"Okay, fair enough."

In the brush, Naruto and Sasuke both exhaled.

"But what about the message?"

They both tensed again.

"The...message?" Kabuto was sweating.

"Of course." Kabuto smiled. "I'm sure you couldn't have lost that."

"Yes...The message."

"The message."

"For me to give you."

"Yes."

"The message concocted specifically for me to tell you."

"Uh-huh."

"...Your message."

Kabuto nodded.

"...I changed it."

"Oh?"

"Yes." Yamato nodded. "And the new message...is..."

Kabuto leaned in. "Would you like me to bail you out and tell you I know you're not Sasori?"

"Yes! Wait, what-"

Kabuto swept his hand forwards and smashed straight through the wooden construct, and Yamato was forced to leap backwards.

Naruto moved to jump forwards, but Sai grabbed his arm. "Wait. Yamato hasn't given us the signal yet."

"Teammates! I need help!" Yamato shouted.

"That was the signal." Sai nodded, releasing Naruto.

"I fucking hate all of you-" Sasuke jumped out of hiding and onto the bridge.

Kabuto's face fell. "Oh. You."

"Hey assface." Naruto grinned. "How's your stomach doing?"

"Fine, actually." Kabuto spat. "But you...you've hurt me in other ways, _Naruto-Kun_. Do you have any idea, _any idea_ what you've done?"

Naruto blinked. "Uh..."

Kabuto clenched his fist. "I have had. To listen. To this teenage girl. Go on and on and ON about you for _four fucking years_!" He threw his arms into the air. "Do you know how fucking _great_ she thinks you are? Naruto this, Naruto that, _Kami_ girl you're sixteen get over your crush!"

Sasuke couldn't help but burst out laughing as Naruto went red in the face, and Kabuto immediately rounded on him. "Oh don't think you're an exception to the rule, Uchiha. I genuinely don't know which one of you she prefers, do you have any idea how much she fucking _respects_ you? She treats everyone in hidden Sound like children, but you, oh she'd probably saddle you with killing her fucking cousin if you asked her to 'trust you'-"

"I get the feeling there's a lot of pent up anger here," Naruto interrupted, "but can we get to the part where you're under arrest? Because I like that part."

Kabuto opened his mouth-

"I'm afraid nobody will be arresting anybody today."

All five froze.

Moving at a perfectly leisurely pace, as though the world would wait for him, Orochimaru strolled across the bridge.

"Well well well, if it isn't the rejects." He remarked, stopping just ahead of Kabuto. "We knew Sasori was dead the moment the seal in Kabuto's head stopped working, but I never would have thought it would be _you_ that did him in."

The snake Sannin crossed his arms. "That was wood style, so you must be Yamato. One of my most successful experiments, except that I had to kill a bunch of children first, got kicked out of the village and lost all my stuff, and didn't even get wood style out of the deal. No clue why I actually did that, to be honest, it was a _terrible_ idea." His expression clouded for a moment, before he turned to Naruto and Sasuke, smiling. "And of course, you two. Bijuu-no-mates and the boy-who-didn't-turn-to-the-dark-side-when-prompted. What a team." He clapped, slowly, as sarcastically as it was physically possible to clap.

Naruto glared, eyes red. "Where is she?"

"Hmm?" Orochimaru leaned forwards. "What was that?"

"Where. Is she?" Naruto growled. "Don't you try and pretend you don't know who I'm talking about."

"Hmm." Orochimaru tapped his chin theatrically. "Perhaps, perhaps...ah, I know. You wouldn't happen to be talking about...

 _Little miss Hinata_?"

A circle of wood beneath Naruto's feet cracked.

"Naruto..." Sasuke warned.

"Give her. **Back**." Naruto snarled, red chakra boiling up around him.

"Give her back? I'm afraid you misunderstand. I'm not keeping her here. In fact, seeing what she was living with, I'm not surprised she abandoned you."

Seeing the shock on Naruto's face, Orochimaru laughed. "Oh, poor child, had you convinced yourself it was some dark manipulation on my part? Allow me to shatter such preconceptions." His slitted yellow eyes glinted. "Hinata didn't _want_ to stay with you. And considering the way you lost to her, you don't _deserve_ to keep her."

Naruto's fingers tightened on the bridge.

 _Kyuubi? Power._

 **Do you honestly expect me to put out for some doomed attempt to 'show him the strength of your convictions' or some other such-**

 _No. I'm going to kill him._

 **...Well, why didn't you say so?**

Two glowing red tails sprouted from Naruto's coccyx. Without any further warning, he blitzed forwards and hit Orochimaru so hard he went crashing away through the trees.

* * *

Orochimaru was, annoyingly, fine. But that was okay; it just meant Naruto had to hit him more. He charged forwards on all fours and tried to bury another fist in the snake's face, but Orochimaru swerved out of the way. Naruto lashed out with a kick, and that missed too, so he swept his tails around and batted the Sannin through another tree.

Orochimaru landed, vomited up a snake, and hurled it straight for Naruto. It disintegrated entirely on the chakra cloak, and Naruto reached out with a clawed hand for his opponent. Orochimaru jumped back out of the way, but wasn't prepared for a glowing red claw of chakra to extend out from Naruto's arm and latch onto him.

Naruto grinned, and ripped an arm off.

Back on the bridge, Yamato started making hand seals. "He's lost control. If I use the wood style, I should be able to-"

"Nah, he's fine." Sasuke reached into his bag of popcorn kernels and heated them up with fire style, popping them. "He's pissed, sure, but he's still in control."

Yamato squinted at the juggernaut slowly blowing a massive crater in the forest. "He doesn't _look_ in control."

"Naruto spent three years learning to control the nine tails." Sasuke stuffed the popcorn into his mouth. "E cn comtro uck to tree."

"Pardon?"

Sasuke swallowed. "One tails he's fine. Two tails he's mostly fine. Three-" there was a boom, "-three tails, which he just activated, he's bitchy but he can still think." Sasuke held a handful out.

Yamato gave him a look, but took the popcorn.

Back in the battle, a second Orochimaru (presumably a snake clone) slithered _out of his empty arm socket._

"Ew." Naruto sprinted and punched it, but it disintegrated into more snakes which tried to wrap him up. While he was busy dealing with those (by flexing until they set on fire), Orochimaru walked up and socked him in the face.

"Amusing, I'll admit." Orochimaru shook the hand he'd punched with; it was blistered and burned. "But insufficient. I'm playing with you, child."

" **I will** _ **kill**_ **you."** Naruto got to his feet, teeth bared.

"Oh but you won't!" Orochimaru clapped gleefully. "Not like that, anyway. If this is all you've got, you'll _never_ be strong enough to get Hinata back."

Naruto's claws dug into the ground.

 _Kyuubi. Four tails. Version two._

He could feel one of the Kyuubi's eyes open from within it's cage; it had powered him up to this point while effectively dozing.

 **Really? You know you can't concentrate enough yin chakra to control that much, right?**

 _I don't_ want _control. I_ want _his head._

 **Heh. Whatever. Don't say I didn't warn you.**

The power flooded in. Naruto screamed.

* * *

Sasuke paused, watching a pulse of red energy tear through the forest. "Okay, _now_ he's lost control."

Yamato started forwards. "Then lets go."

Sasuke grimaced. "I mean..."

Yamato turned to him. "Why do you hesitate?"

Sasuke gestured. "You see those four tails? That means he's using four tails of the bijuu's power. Which is less than twenty percent, apparently, but still."

"Not four ninths?" Kabuto asked, helping himself to some popcorn.

"No, annoyingly. It's exponential." Sasuke sighed. "But still a big deal. And that black-red glowing outline around his massive elongated body? That means he's in the version two cloak. Which makes him even stronger."

"Your point?" Yamato asked.

"My point," Sasuke winced, "is that yeah he's currently a mindless monster, but he might actually kill Orochimaru here."

Yamato paused. "How much popcorn do you have left?"

"I sealed like four bags in scrolls." Sasuke chuckled. Then he looked across at Kabuto. "You good with this?"

"Oh I think my master's going to win." Kabuto shrugged. "So as far as he's concerned I'm doing everything in my power to keep you all from intervening."

"Got it. See I think Naruto's going to win, so as far as _he's_ concerned I'm doing everything in my power to keep _you_ from intervening."

"So I suppose we both just sit back and watch?"

Sasuke nodded appreciatively. "Sounds good. More popcorn?"

"Please."

Back in the crater, Orochimaru picked his mangled body up from the floor. "Well." He stretched. "That was a little more effective. My point still stands though; I'm mostly just letting you attack to see what you're capable of."

Four tails Naruto was beyond speech at this point. It roared up to the sky, and spheres of red and blue chakra began to form around him.

"Oh?" Orochimaru tilted his head.

"Oh?" Sasuke squinted to get a better look.

 **Oh?** Said the nine tails, in Naruto's head. **You do realise you can't make a bijuu bomb in only the cloak, right?**

Naruto didn't respond. The motes of light congregated into a sphere of energy, and then the four-tails avatar snapped it up into its mouth. The ground beneath it cracked.

"Oh, shit." Orochimaru remarked, "That's more like it. Triple Rashimon." He slapped his palms to the ground.

"Hey," Sasuke muttered, mostly to himself, "anyone remember that one rumour flying around about Naruto after the Chunin exams? He's only gone and fucking done it."

The light condensed inside the red beast's mouth. Three tall locked gates appeared between it and Orochimaru.

"Fucking Laser-beam release." Sasuke breathed.

The beast opened it's mouth and a massive blast of red-white energy beamed out of it, disintegrating the first gate, tearing apart the second, and smashing the third into shrapnel, blowing Orochimaru back, but leaving him unharmed by the chakra that was busy smashing holes in the landscape.

Naruto wasn't done though. The Sannin's eyes widened and he was forced to jump away as the beast charged forward and fired another blast from its mouth, and then _another_ , and then-

"Okay, that's enough." Orochimaru let some irritation onto his face. His neck stretched up stupidly high into the air, and then a physics-defyingly long sword jutted out of his mouth. It extended metre after metre, stabbing down at Naruto and pinning him to the ground, then dragging him across the floor. Naruto howled, but was unable to stop himself being thrown back over the canyon and pinned to the other side.

"Gish ish du shord of Kushanagi!" Orochimaru gargled. "It can cuc shrough anyshing-"

Naruto grabbed the sword, yanked it up out of his chest, and buried it in the cliff beside him.

"...comdishuns accly. Thucc." Orochimaru sighed, and retracted the sword.

Naruto jumped up onto the bridge again, disrupting the card game that had been going on between its three occupants. He growled, threateningly.

"Alright, easy." Sasuke held his palms up, calmingly. "You wanna go back in or do you want us to help out?"

Avatar boiling, Naruto's white eyes narrowed. The glow began to charge in his mouth.

"Aw shit." Muttered Kabuto.

Yamato held his hand out and began chanting "Hokage style; elder sealing-"

"No time! Get behind me!" Sasuke darted in front of both of them.

Naruto opened his mouth, and another beam of energy blasted forwards, this time _at his team_.

Sasuke's Sharingan flashed.

Red light met purple.

Yamato and Kabuto gaped as a glowing purple ribcage sprung to life around Sasuke, which stood firm even when faced with a beam that was _wider than the bridge_. They both huddled together in the middle, as the heat licked around the edges of the bones.

"Okay, that's it." Sasuke grit his teeth. "Now this is time out."

The beam cut out, and Kyuubi-Naruto had a brief moment to look surprised before Sasuke sprinted forwards, Sharingan staring right into its eyes.

* * *

The Uchiha appeared in the middle of a dust storm. Black and red particulates swirled through the air of an unknown environment. Gritting his teeth (but deciding it might be smart not to close his eyes) he fought his way forwards. The clouds became thicker, and the wind grew more intense, until eventually he was unable to progress further. There was a form, hunched over and in pain, at the edge of his vision. "Naruto?" He called out, over the wind.

Two red eyes appeared in the air in front of him. " **Uchiha.** " It snarled. " **You dare to trespass upon my jinchurikki's-** "

"Real cool, don't care." He stared right into the eyes. "You've had your fun, now it's bed time. Go to your room."

He channeled his chakra through his Sharingan, in the specific way he'd been taught.

The clouds around him slowed, shifted and gathered.

" **Oh for fucks sake** -"

The Kyuubi didn't get to finish its sentence.

It's cloud of influence was corralled by an invisible force, and pushed backwards a hundred metres or so behind a set of tall pillars.

The surroundings that remained...weren't that bad actually. A domed blue sky, trees, cliffs and grassy plains. Everything seemed a little flat, like it had been drawn by someone not quite comfortable with their pencil. Beneath Sasuke's feet was a fast but shallow stream, and laying in that stream a few metres ahead of him...

"Naruto!" He ran forwards, hoisting his teammate out of the water. "Hey, Buddy. Cmon, talk to me."

Naruto cracked an eye open, and groaned. "Sasuke? What in the..."

"You let out four tails and nearly killed us all." Sasuke summarised, succinctly.

"Oh. Crap." Naruto rubbed his head with one hand and got to his feet. "Aw _crap_ , I remember. Anyone dead?"

"Nobody. I used the Susanno to stop you lasering Yamato."

"That thing you've never used before?"

"Yeah. Beginnerus Rukku, I guess." Sasuke looked around. "What... _is_ this place?"

"My mindscape." Naruto replied, with a proud look in his eye. "Designed it myself. Uh, the Kyuubi was complaining all he had to look at was blackness and a sewer."

Sasuke gave his friend a weird look. "That thing just tried to kill us and you do it's _landscaping_ for it?"

" _ **It**_ **is a** _ **he**_ **.** " Came a snarl from the distance. " **And I will not accept responsibility for Kit's little rant**."

They both looked across. The Kyuubi's cage had been extended significantly, and the bars were further apart than they had been, but the fox was still thoroughly trapped behind them.

"You're saying it's not your fault?" Naruto rounded on him. "It was your power!"

Kyuubi's head pressed against the bars. " **I don't want control. I want his head**." He recited. " **Those were your words, Kit. Or do you mean to say I can't _trust_ your word?**"

"But you can't just-" Naruto protested, but

" **You told me you could handle it**." The fox cut across him. " **And that you would accept the consequences if you couldn't. I don't** _ **care**_ **if you kill your friends, Kit. Especially little Madara over here**."

Sasuke frowned, recognising the name.

" **But don't expect me to give you power, and then come whining to me like it's my fault when you can't keep your act together.** " The fox leaned back and rolled over, turning it's back to them. " **Either grow a pair, or use your own power**."

Naruto took a step back, then looked down, shifting in place.

Sasuke sighed. "Come on. Let's get back into the real world. Orochimaru's still out there, Yamato could be trouble, and-" He paused, scrolling through the last few minutes of memories.

"Wait a minute. Where the hell is Sai?"

* * *

 **Yeah, this goes way faster when you cut out all the filler, doesn't it? Battle on the bridge occurs, Sasuke is being forced to get more comfortable with his Mangekyo, and Naruto fucks up a little. Important learning experience for him there; you may be on speaking terms with your demon beast, but it's still a demon beast. Next week, it's about time we finally got back together with with everyone's favourite runaway.**


	53. How many Levels of Betrayal?

_**How**_ **many Levels of Betrayal?**

* * *

"Ow! OW! Fuck, Itachi was not fucking kidding about the Susanno hurting-"

Sasuke continued to roll around on his back on the mostly destroyed Tenchi bridge.

Naruto, knowing full well his teammate could be on his feet in an instant, completely ignored him, turning to Yamato. "So, to recap. We didn't kill Orochimaru, Kabuto got away, Sasuke's ruined his eyes some more cleaning up my mess, we're no closer to finding Hinata, and Sai defected."

"Yeah we kinda screwed this one up." Sasuke admitted.

"Not quite." Yamato corrected them.

He got confused glances in return.

"Are you both aware of Sai's penchant for lying almost constantly?"

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other, and nodded.

"Yeah."

"Yep."

"Uh-huh."

"He once lied about his favourite colour. Who does that."

"Quite." Yamato surmised. "But in this case, it works in our favour."

"You mean he _hasn't_ betrayed us horrribly?" Naruto asked, hopefully.

"No." Yamato smiled. "You both know of his association with Danzo, and of Danzo's association with Orochimaru. A treacherous one, but not one we can call him out on openly."

"That about sums it up." Sasuke nodded.

"Well, before the mission, Sai and I came up with a plan." Yamato explained. "If the situation arose, he would 'defect' to Orochimaru's side, claiming to have information from Danzo. And then lead us straight to their hideout." The ANBU Captain held out a handful of seeds. "He swallowed one of these before leaving. I can track him to the ends of fire country if I have to."

"That maniac..." Sasuke chuckled. "When he gets back, Haku is gonna...actually let's not go there. But you know where he is?"

Yamato nodded. "He hasn't moved in the last thirty minutes."

"How long were we out?" Naruto checked.

"As long as the author needed you to be."

"Alright then. Let's go get our teammate."

* * *

 **As long as the author needs it to be later**

* * *

Sai wriggled in his restraints.

Orochimaru, after bringing him to the base and hearing out his message from Danzo (it had been a real message, one of the secondary objectives) had said something along the lines of "nothing personal, but" and immediately had him tied up and sat in a room on his own. Fair enough, he supposed. You don't want your ally of dubious allyitude running freely around the base. Especially not when there might be other attackers on their way...

There was a distant boom, and shouting, and Sai smiled. A paper snake slithered out from one sleeve, and began biting its way through the ropes.

A few minutes later saw Sai running stealthily through the hideout. Naruto and co were certainly causing one hell of a distraction; nobody appeared to molest him as he traversed the long, dimly lit corridors. It took him a few tries to find what he was looking for, but eventually he came upon a door that was signed 'Don't announce yourself. If you are wanted, I will invite you in.' and figured he was in the right place. Slowly, soundlessly, he opened the door.

The bedroom was impeccably maintained. The floor was perfectly clean, as was the modest desk set against one wall, and the bookshelf stood next to it. The bed, admittedly, was a total mess. The thing was king sized and had two seperate duvets and five pillows strewn about it. There was one lump in the bed that could not be accounted for with blankets, however. And it moved. There was a shuffling, and then a head of navy blue hair appeared, followed by a bare back and two arms that stretched over the head.

Sai saw half a smile on the turned away face. "Hello again, future Hokage." The girl said.

"Hello Miss Hinata." Sai replied, politely.

She froze. "You...are not Naruto."

"No."

"Ah. Uh...Sai, right? The one with the dark master?"

Sai winced. "Yes, that's me."

"Okay. Well, I'll just go ahead and die of embarrassment." Hinata, still not turning to look at him, put one hand to her head and massaged her temples. "This is why I should always lead with the Byakugan...are you here to rescue me?"

"I'm afraid not." _I'm sorry, Haku._ Hating every moment, he directed a group of paper snakes to slither forwards and wrap her up. "Master Danzo has ordered your execution. Please die in such a way that your DNA is salvageable."

"Oh for-" Hinata sighed. "Alright, looks like we're doing this. Ahem." She stood up fully.

Sai was able to view a lot more backside than he really should have for a brief moment, before Hinata inhaled deeply.

Paused.

Opened her mouth.

"SOME-"

* * *

There was a catastrophic _Boom_ in the distance, rubble raining from the ceiling to accompany the distant hollering of " _-BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME, I-_ "

"HINATA!" Naruto and Sasuke shouted, both dropping a limp sound-nin and chasing towards the sound. Yamato put up a wood release wall between them and a few other guards, and ran off after them.

It didn't take them long to find a massive crater, which was pretty obviously the right place. Stood in the centre of the crater was Sai, scroll out and eyes narrowed. The rest of the team immediately grouped up with him, and looked up to follow his gaze.

"Alright, there we go." Hinata smiled down at them. "We're all here, finally. Hi guys!"

The two other members of team seven shared a glance, not entirely sure what to say.

Naruto started. "Hey, Hinata. You've..." his gaze dipped below her face for a split second, "...grown."

She had. Three years and Hinata had improved significantly in terms of height and in...other places. Naruto briefly made a note that she was the perfect size between Sakura and Tsunade before mentally kicking himself and telling himself to focus.

Hinata's hair had grown out a little, now reaching just below her shoulders, and she had apparently borrowed Sasuke's penchant for black clothing. She wore a pair of black slacks over her legs, and a vest-thing that left her arms and back entirely bare (oh right, yeah, wings.)

Signs of Orochimaru's influence were visible too; the curse mark was still there on one shoulder, and one of the rope-belt things (in navy blue, of course, and not purple) was tied around her waist.

She was observing both of them, too, and frowned slightly. "Naruto, did you work fur from my old jacket into your clothes?"

"I mean, yeah?" Naruto shifted. "Is that bad? I get it if you wanted-"

"No no no, it's fine, it looks good," She placated, "the fur gives it the whole 'beastmaster' vibe, I like it."

There was another awkward silence.

"This is awkward." Sasuke remarked.

"I know!" Hinata sighed. "I had this one opening line I'd been planning for a while to break the ice, but then Sai tried to kill me."

"Sai _what_ -"

Sai took that moment to throw a brace of paper shuriken at her, which she dodged with minimal effort. Sai tried again, but this set were caught by Sasuke, who glared at him. "Sai what the _fuck_ are you-"

Then his eyes widened as a thick vine sprouts from the ground beneath him and hurled him away.

" _Yamato_?" Naruto span on their captain. "What-why-"

"Danzo has ordered her execution." Yamato replied, impassively, before conjuring more wooden structures.

"Oh for the love of-" Sasuke freed himself and charged at Yamato, and Naruto was forced to dive between another set of kunai thrown by Sai. Moments later, there was an all-out-brawl going on in the crater.

Hinata held up a hand. "Would...you two like some help, or..."

"No we're good!" Naruto slammed a fist into a giant ink crab. "Just-ngh-give us a few minutes, okay?" He turned to his opponent and glared. "Sai what in the actual fuck? What does this make you, a triple or a quadruple agent?"

"I'm sorry." Sai replied, genuine anguish on his face. "But Danzo-"

"Really? Your dark master-"

"Can you _stop_ calling him that!" It was the first time Sai had shouted in Naruto's presence. A herd of ink zebra stampeded towards Naruto, who summoned a squad of shadow clones to restrain them with chakra chains.

"I don't _want_ to do this! It _hurts_! But I don't have a choice!" There were genuine tears on Sai's face.

Naruto glowered. "There's always a-"

"No, you don't understand. I _don't have a choice_." Sai's voice was strained. Desperate. Like there was some deeper meaning to his words he didn't quite know how to convey. Like...

Naruto gasped. "Sasuke! Genjutsu!"

Having heard the whole conversation, the Uchiha immediately caught on. He launched a great fireball that set all of Yamato's wooden structures alight, then ran across to switch places with Naruto. The Uzumaki fired off a wind jutsu the fanned the flames, disintegrating everything that had been set alight, as Sasuke immediately closed into sword fighting range with Sai. His intention wasn't a duel, however. Sai was ANBU good at genjutsu, but not _Uchiha_ good, and all it took was a few seconds of eye contact to pull Sai right out of the fight and into his own mind.

The boy hardly even resisted, falling to his knees in the blank mindscape Sasuke constructed. "Please. Just kill m-"

"You know team seven once made an official pact to never listen if someone says that." Sasuke remarked, idly, ignoring Sai entirely. "Now then..." images flew in front of his face. "Tragic childhood, okay, romantic moments, all well and good, Root secrets-oh, _now_ your brain's resisting me. And entirely without your conscious input, may I add."

"I'm not in control." Sai sobbed. "I wouldn't be doing this if I could stop myself. Haku made me _promise_."

"Oh yeah?" Sasuke replied, still browsing through memories. "What'd he-" his eyes widened as he reached Sai's last conversation with Haku, and the images Sai's imagination had immediately conjured.

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"With...On the Hokage monument?"

"S'what he said."

"Kami, you kinky little-" Sasuke shook his head, and focused. "Right. Anyway. It looks like Naruto was right on the money; this _is_ genjutsu. But...wow." Spreading out in front of Sasuke was a growing network of red lines in the emptiness. A visualisation tool, but an effective one. "This thing is _big_. You're not just under some compulsion here, Sai, it's multilayered, multifaceted, complicated...and you don't remember anyone doing this to you?"

"I...don't remember a lot of things." Sai admitted, getting up to stand with Sasuke and watch the growing web. This was the most layers of lies anyone had ever penetrated with him; he felt incredibly exposed. "Sometimes I lose whole weeks, then get snippets back when I need them."

"Yeah, this things so deeply embedded it's probably been partly responsible for your day-to-day decision making process. I've blocked six different impulses for you to kill yourself while I've been in here. No wait, seven. Kurenai couldn't do this, Dad couldn't do this, _I_ couldn't do this, the only one I know this good at genjutsu is...Itachi..." Sasuke took a step back. The pattern of red squiggles, when viewed as a whole, took the shape of a three tomoed Sharingan. He shook his head, and dismissed the image. "Doesn't matter. Point is you're fucked up bad."

"Can you...fix it?" Sai asked, hopefully.

"I'm currently the only thing allowing you to _consider_ fixing it," Sasuke replied, wryly, "but no. I can't dispel this. The Sharingan is great at offensive genjutsu, not so special at removing them. The best I can do is layer something simpler on top that slams the brakes on its commands after you've already comprehended them. Of course I have no idea what the consequences would be, there might be delay time, you might find yourself confused, impulsive, you'll have to actively decide not to dispel mine even though you're fully aware of it-"

"Please." Sai begged. "Nothing could be worse than this."

Sasuke looked at him seriously, then nodded. "Alright. Brace yourself. These next few seconds are going to feel...weird."

* * *

Sasuke's focus emerged from Sai's mind, and into his senses faded the sound of "go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep-" along with a regular thwacking noise.

After clearing his vision, he saw Naruto crouched atop Yamato, punching the ANBU repeatedly in the face. After a few moments, when he was obviously unconscious, Naruto sat up with a groan. "Freakin wood release and its freakin sturdy users...oh Kami we're gonna have to explain this to _Tsunade_..."

"Danzo's being an ass. That's all we need." Sasuke turned to Sai. "You good?"

Sai's mouth worked. "Shimura Danzo...is the head of Root...and I hate him. Oh it _is_ working." He looked up at Sasuke. "Do you accept lifedebts?"

"No, but I order you to henceforth follow the team Seven motto-"

"Always try not to be too much of an asshole." Hinata recited from above them, swinging her legs on the side of the crater. "I remember when we came up with that, we were very specific on the wording..." she paused. "oh are you guys done? Can we get on with the-?"

"Yeah we're done, we're done." Naruto stood up and stretched. "Aww, great, where were we?"

"I don't think we'd really started-"

"Yeah it's like-"

"Oh wait, no I got it." Naruto held a hand up. "Hinata?"

She tilted her head. "Yes?"

"Please come back to Konoha?"

"No."

" _Fuck!_ "

Hinata winced. "I know, I'm sorry. I asked you to trust me and you came all this way-"

"How much longer?" Naruto asked, in a desperate tone. "Seriously! It's been almost four years are you not _done_?"

"You know very well what I have to finish here mister!" Hinata shot back, pointing a finger accusingly.

"Hinata, we will help kill your cousin!" Sasuke interceded. "Like, he's a _criminal_ , you don't have to be a bad guy to do it, we'll go with you and-"

"Is this...a standard conversation between you guys?" Sai put up a hand, like a confused student watching the teachers talk.

"Sadly, very normal." Sasuke admitted, grimly.

"Alright, look." Hinata's pupils flicked to the corner of her eyes, an impulse Naruto and Sasuke recognised as her Byakugan spotting something. "Oh perfect, Rochi's coming back...tell you what, there's one last thing I need to finish up with him, then I'll _kill_ him, then I'll come back and we'll go get Neji together. Sound good?"

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged glances.

"Fine."

"Fine."

"But it better be a _quick_ thing!"

Hinata stood up, and made a little bow. "A week or so, tops. Thank you. Now, what to do about...screw it, attack me."

"Huh?"

"He still thinks I think Konoha is hell." She explained. "It needs to look like we're fighting when he shows up, so attack me."

Sasuke smirked a little. "Both of us? You know we've gotten a lot stronger, right?"

She gave them dead eyes. "Oh right. Egos. Tell you what, Naruto doesn't use the Kyuubi, Sasuke doesn't use the Mangekyo, and I won't use Kirin."

"How do you know about-"

"What's _Kirin_ -"

"And if you _win_ , I'll come home immediately." She incentivised.

They both shut up, and attacked.

The two easily ANBU level ninja crashed into Hinata's position in a moment, but she darted out of the way, appearing in front of Sai and delivering a sharp strike to his head that put him immediately unconscious.

Then she turned around and caught a fist in one hand and a sword in the other, twisting both away. Naruto and Sasuke began a frenzied joint taijutsu assault. Hinata looked a little overwhelmed, for a moment, before with a flash of blue light her skin tone deepened and her hair flared outwards.

The first gate.

Now _she_ was the one putting pressure on the two, and her issues from a few years ago had apparently vanished; implementing the gentle fist alongside the increased strength with zero difficulty. With nothing but a glance to communicate, Naruto shoved forwards with his arms up to bear the brunt of Hinata's palms as Sasuke jumped up and backwards. A few hand seals, and electricity raced forwards from his fingers.

Hinata paused from her repeated bludgeoning of Naruto's forearms to make some signs of her own, and the sparks caught on her palms and spun around her, then outwards. Naruto was blasted off his feet.

"You want to use lightning release? Against me?" Hinata asked, with an amused smile. Sasuke glared.

"Great fireball jutsu!"

"Well sure, for old times' sake. Heavenly spin." Hinata twisted, and the dome of wind appeared around her. The size of the resultin firewhirl was significantly larger than it had been in their early years. Larger, perhaps, than the one conjured in the fight between Itachi and Neji.

But here they weren't the only ones in the fight, Naruto summoned a sextet of shadow clones and surrounded Hinata's dome and launched adamantine chains at it.

Hinata, being Hinata, saw it and responded.

There was a sonic boom, and a concentrated blast of absolutely nothing shot out of the dome. Where it hit the flames, they winked out of existence, and the concussive force took Sasuke in the chest and knocked him to the ground.

"Eight trigrams, vacuum palm." She explained. "Keyword is vacuum. I could have put you unconscious with that."

Then the chains from the Naruto whipped in towards her.

Still in the first gate, she dodged, jumping up and grabbing the chains in an attempt to yank the Naruto off their feet, but they had learned some tricks in the last three years, sticking their feet to the floor with chakra. So instead, Hinata pulled herself towards them, earning startled cries as she lay into the doppelgängers. Sasuke jumped to his feet, scowling. "Alright then, you asked for this. Chidori!" A few hand seals, and the Lightning blade sprung to life in his hand.

Across the crater, Hinata was pummelling her way through the shadow clones, and at their end Naruto had had a similar idea to his teammate. Now capable of doing so without a clone's help, he conjured the rasengan in his palm. The two charged Hinata together.

She did not, as they anticipated, try to dodge. She didn't even make a chidori of her own. She stood there between them and held her arms out. "Lionfists." She called, calmly.

The two blue heads, blazing with chakra, appeared over her hands.

And when Naruto and Sasuke came in from either side, she _caught_ the jutsu.

There was an explosion of force but she didn't budge, locking her fists around the two techniques as her hair whipped about in the resulting wind, and over a few seconds the rasengan slowed in its spin and disintegrated, and the chidori lost its glow.

Then, as the two boys stared at her open mouthed, she yanked both off balance. "Eight trigrams, 128 palms." She recited, and peppered both with strikes.

* * *

When Orochimaru walked up to the lip of the crater, it was to see Hinata stood over two unconscious and two paralysed bodies.

"Darling you have _got_ to stop blowing our cover," Orochimaru sighed, "this is the second hideout we've had to move out of because of you."

"My bad." She apologised. "Should I kill them?"

"What?" Shouted Naruto from his position on the floor, wriggling a little.

"No, we need them to kill the Akatsuki." Orochimaru sighed.

"Should we be saying that right in front of them?" Hinata asked.

"Sure." Orochimaru shrugged. "Hey, Leaf ninja. Go kill the Akatsuki."

"Got it. Also go fuck yourself." Sasuke replied.

"Well, this was a fun adventure." Hinata jumped up to stand with Orochimaru. "I'll see you all later. Try not to die until we next meet, alright?"

Orochimaru touched her shoulder, and they both vanished into flame.

There was silence in the crater for a while.

"Shit." Sasuke summarised.

"Shit." Naruto agreed.

* * *

 **And that's that. Hinata doesn't smash them _quite_ as badly as Sasuke smashed Naruto in canon, but it's close. Remember that nobody in that fight was going anywhere close to full power, but they _were_ trying. Hinata retrieval arc 2: Electric Boogaloo comes to a close, leaving a bunch of _really pissed off teenagers._ How will they respond to this?**

 **Well, about the same way they respond to most challenges. See you next week!**


	54. Aftermath 6: Petulance

**Aftermaths 6: Petulance**

* * *

Shimura Danzo sat at his desk, slowly and methodically working through paperwork. His was not the same as the Hokage's; for one, almost everything he wrote down would have to be burned before it ever left the room. He was in one of very few locations in Leaf he felt private enough to commit to ink his many plans.

Which was why it was a little surprising when the door got kicked off it's hinges.

He looked up slowly to see Uzumaki Naruto walk in, with a body over his shoulder and an expression on his face indicating he was 100% _done_.

"May I help you?" Danzo asked, calmly.

Naruto heaved the unconscious form of Yamato onto Danzo's desk with a loud thud.

"Control your minions better, asshole. And keep your dirty claws out of Sai." He shot, before walking back out the door. The forms of a few similarly knocked out Root operatives, (Danzo's guards) were lied in the corridor outside.

Danzo pushed Yamato off the desk, and went back to his paperwork.

* * *

Kakashi, sat in his hospital bed, looked up from his orange covered book to see a furious looking Naruto and Sasuke storm into his room.

"Those are the faces," He remarked, "of two ninja who have been quite thoroughly humbled."

"She kicked our asses." Naruto snarled.

"Destroyed us." Sasuke growled. "Fucking _dismantled_ us."

"She?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Hinata." Naruto bit out, pacing. "I thought I'd gotten stronger. I was like 'yeah, I'm pretty good now'. And then she just finesses me and Sasuke at once!"

"Well as ninja, the best thing to do is evaluate the experience and see what you did wrong and what you can improve on." Kakashi offered, turning the page in his book.

"Gee, where did it go wrong?" Sasuke threw his hands into the air. "Maybe it was the part where she blocked the rasengan and the chidori _at the same time!"_

"Okay." Kakashi shrugged. "So how do you fix this mistake next time?"

"Get a bigger rasengan." Answered Naruto, at the same time as Sasuke replied "Get a bigger chidori."

Kakashi sighed. "I was hoping for something along the lines of 'learn to better yourselves, don't rest on your laurels, don't get too confident-"

"We're shadow clones." They both interrupted in unison.

"The real Naruto and Sasuke are off training." Sasuke said.

"That's not quite-"

"With Gai."

Kakashi shut his mouth. "Ah."

* * *

"IT IS ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU!" Gai shouted, grinning from ear to ear as the pair approached him. "IF POSSIBLE, YOU HAVE GROWN EVEN MORE YOUTHFUL SINCE LAST WE MET! How may I help you?"

"We need training." Naruto explained.

"I am humbled by your request, but I'm certain that my great rival Kakashi could better-"

" _Lee_ style training." Sasuke extrapolated.

There was a pause.

"You do know-"

"We know it will hurt. We don't care."

Anyone who knew Gai would tell you he didn't have a malicious bone in his body.

But his grin in that moment was a very scary thing.

"Well, now that you mention it..."

* * *

"Yikes." Kakashi remarked. He closed his book, and sat up in bed. "So. New jutsu. You are aware that the rasengan is A-rank, right?"

"Yeah. So we want something S-rank." Naruto replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Kakashi hummed. "Some people would call it unsafe to teach children techniques of that magnitude..." he got confused stares in return. "Yeah, I don't get it either. So!" He threw off the covers and stood up.

Sasuke blinked. "Aren't you still-"

"Oh I've been recovered for the last week, but while I'm in bed I get free food and Gai doesn't make me train with him." Kakashi smiled at them through his mask. "Now then, manifest a rasengan."

They quickly complied. Naruto held it out triumphantly. "Boom! Done. But I don't know what your plan is for Sasu...ke..." he turned his head.

Sasuke was holding out a swirling blue ball with a guilty expression.

"You can-" Naruto pointed a finger between Sasuke and his technique. "When did you learn the rasengan?"

The Uchiha coughed. "I'd like to say that it took me years of intense practice, but what actually happened was I watched Kakashi do it. Once."

"The Sharingan is bullshit." Naruto whispered, looking incredibly crestfallen.

"Tell me about it." Kakashi agreed, holding out his own rasengan. "Now then. This is the most powerful jutsu in my possession. The thing about it is that it's pure chakra and shape transformation; no yin, yang or elemental effects. As I imagine Jiraiya told you at some point, Naruto, the fourth Hokage developed this jutsu based off the bijuu bomb, and tried to apply a nature transformation to it. Keyword is 'tried'. He wasn't able to do it before he died in the Kyuubi attack."

"Didn't you-" Sasuke began to interrupt.

"I _tried_ to apply Lightning release to it, but couldn't. I made the chidori by _accident_ in the attempt, which is why I don't think that would make a good starting point. If you want a stronger jutsu, you'll have to succeed where me and the fourth failed. So no pressure."

"Fire." Sasuke decided, after a pause. "Lightning is Hinata's only element, and hers outclasses mine by a long shot. It's time I went back to my Uchiha roots."

"Wind." Naruto decided, soon after. "Because, uh, I don't have any other elements. And since Sasuke doesn't have wind, he won't be able to _copy this one_."

Kakashi chuckled. "I have to warn you, it won't exactly be easy. The fourth mastered the Flying Thunder God, but even he couldn't do this."

"Sensei has a point." Sasuke reminded his teammate. "I know you did the rasengan in a week, but you can't assume this is gonna be that simple. It's a bit of a stretch to think we'll be done before Hinata gets back."

Naruto nodded, thinking hard. "You have a point...but I think I know how we're going to do it."

"Oh yeah? How?"

Naruto looked his teammate dead in the eye, and uttered two words.

"Race you."

One second.

Two seconds.

And then both ninja vanished out the door.

* * *

Haku knocked on the door.

"Come in!" The response was immediate.

He sighed, braced himself, and entered.

"Haku! How _are_ you!" Mei Terumi stood up immediately.

Haku winced and prepared himself as the woman stood up, walked around her desk and moved in for an incredibly sloppy kiss on his cheeks.

"You really do not need to do that every time you see me." Haku grit his teeth.

"Come on, you know you love it."

 _I really don't-_ Haku kept his expression under control. "What was it you needed, Ma'am? I was told it was important."

"Always straight to business with you, Haku. I like that in a man." Mei backed up and sat up on her desk, legs crossed. Her gaze darkened a little. "The Sanbi is gone."

Haku gulped. "The three tails? How?"

"An attack." Mei sighed. "After Yagura's...unfortunate accident, we moved the three tails to a new host. That host was killed not two weeks ago. We don't know who or why, the few surviving witnesses say they saw black cloaks with red clouds."

"That...is not good." Haku replied. "I have similar news from Konoha. The One tails was recently extracted from the Kazekage, only a few days before you lost the Three. Same culprits."

Mei grimaced. "The Kyuubi?"

"Safe, for now. But I'd hazard that they've already taken the two tails, maybe more. I just didn't think they'd move so fast..." Haku started pacing, stressed. "How's the six-tails?"

"Safe, for now." Mei echoed. "We have it's jinchurikki well under guard."

"Is that what you wanted me to help with?"

"Not at all." Mei stood up. "I want you on the hunt."

Haku blinked. "Wait, hunt? Wait, _me_?"

"I'd hate to stroke your ego, darling, but you're one of the strongest jonin in Mist right now." Mei purred. "And we aren't letting the people who did this get away with it. I want my bijuu back, and if possible I want the Ichibi and Nibi as compensation."

Haku blanched. "That's..." _rude, immature, possibly a declaration of war_ , "bold. But I'm not sure it'll be that simple. We have no idea where the Akatsuki are keeping the bijuu, and every member we've encountered so far has been an S-class missing nin. _Two_ of them laid siege to the whole of Suna. I'm not sure any squad fast enough to catch them will be strong enough to take them down. If you let me contact Konoha-"

"We don't _need_ Konoha." Was what Mei said, but Haku heard 'I'm not sharing with Tsunade'. The Kage's smile turned sweet. "We have you!"

"With respect, ma'am, you might _lose_ me."

"Well I doubt I have to tell you that risk is part of the job." Mei dismissed. "Of course I'd let you stay in Mist if you had a reason. If you felt an urge to settle down, perhaps."

 _Oh you sly, sly bitch._

This was not the first time Mei had tried to push something similar onto Haku. Nor the second, nor the fifth, not even the tenth. He wasn't sure which was worse, her trying to set him up with some stranger (who was obviously also not interested) or her coming onto him herself (where she was obviously much less turned on by him than she was by the idea of _three different_ nature release bloodlines in their kids).

And now she was trying to threaten him into it with death. Wonderful.

 _Inner Zabuzza, what do I do?_ Haku asked.

 _Kill the Mizukage!_ Said inner Zabuzza.

 _Not helpful right now._ Haku shot back.

"Not complaining Ma'am, just pointing it out." He said, aloud. "I'll go. But I'm taking the ANBU."

"You can have _some_ jonin." Mei countered. "We only have a few ANBU left after that one time a guy in a mask came in and killed them all, and those are required to guard the six-tails."

"You know what? I'll just do it myself." Haku sighed, and squared his shoulders. "Brb." He bowed, turned on his heel, and stormed out of the office.

* * *

Deidara sat down heavily at bar, somewhere in some village or other.

"You look like shit." The bartender remarked.

"Oh yeah? Guess how I feel." Deidara gestured vaguely at something alcoholic, and the bartender chuckled and got to work. "Relax missy. You're not the first blonde lady to come in here looking like a train wreck. Although the last one was a lot bustier..."

"I'm not a-" Deidara scowled. "You know what? Whatever." He grabbed the glass when it was passed to him.

"Blondes, am I right?" Sighed the figure in an orange mask sat to his left.

"Yeah, tell me about it." Deidara sighed back.

Then he almost jumped out of his chair.

"What the-who the-fucking- _Tobi_?"

"'Sah dude." Tobi replied.

"Why the hell are you here?" Deidara hissed, looking around.

Tobi was sat there in full Akatsuki uniform, but nobody seemed to particularly care. He gasped. "Senpai, you didn't miss me?"

"Miss you-we've never met in person!"

"Well I missed you." Tobi admitted, looking down dejectedly. Deidara didn't know how he looked dejected in the mask, but he was doing it. "Before today I lied awake at night, thinking of you, hoping that one day-"

"Alright, I get it!" Deidara shuddered. "I, uh, missed you too. But seriously, why are you here?"

"Uh, duh?" Tobi kicked his feet up on the bar. The bartender glared at him, but didn't push it. "Starting today, I am your new partner!"

Deidara paled. "No."

"Yep."

"No."

"Uh-huh."

"No."

"Aww; why not? I asked for you specifically!"

"I-" Deidara grimaced. "You know what? Whatever. Just-just stay out of my way, okay?"

"No problemo! I will be like a ghost in the night. You won't even see me, it'll be like I'm some sort of ninja!"

"Some sort, yeah." Deidara was figuratively shitting bricks. Nobody knew anything about Tobi. Like, anything. One day, Pain had showed up with this masked lunatic trailing behind him, said that he was part of the Akatsuki now, and that had been that. And now he was focusing his madness on Deidara. Great. "Alright, fine. Our next target is the Sanbi, it lives somewhere in hidden Mist-"

"Nah I already took care of that."

"...what?"

"Yeah Mist was on the way here so I already sealed the three tails. He was cool, had all these spiky bits-"

"You already...right, okay." Deidara gulped. Nobody had ever seen Tobi _fight_ , either. "So what are we doing now?"

"Well, bigboss Pain gave me two jobs to do on the way back. One, he wanted me to stop for groceries, and two, call in with his ex."

"...what?" Deidara wasn't sure how many times he'd said that in the last five minutes, but it was still appropriate.

"Orochimaru." Tobi explained, brightly. "We're going to go assassinate him."

* * *

Hinata knocked on the door, and upon hearing a bored "Enter." she opened it and walked through.

"Hinata, dear. Good to see you." Orochimaru smiled. He was currently sat in bed, with a drip attached to his arm. "How was the moving process?"

"Tolerable." Hinata shrugged. "Any dank cave can be home if it's where your heart is."

"Quite." Orochimaru chuckled, though it turned into a cough. Kabuto, stood in the corner of the room fiddling with chemicals, immediacy rushed over, but Orochimaru waved him off, limply. "I'm _fine_ , Kabuto. Calm down."

"You're not." Hinata remarked, calmly. Her Byakugan traced briefly across his vitals. "Those arms are getting worse. How bad was your fight with Naruto?"

"Bad." He admitted, with a scowl. "Your old teammate's tennant is remarkably powerful. And with most of my jutsu sealed, I was unable to effectively corral it."

"And when you use your snake-body techniques, it accelerates the...decay." Hinata winced. Her master's arms had started turning purple again.

"Indeed." He admitted. A moment later though, he brightened. "But let us not speak of such dreary things. I have much better news for you."

"Oh?" Hinata tilted her head.

"Oh yes." Orochimaru smiled. "You'll like this one. I think I know how to awaken the Gokei."

* * *

 **Well, this was late, and im sorry about that, but there's an annoyingly low amount of wifi on fuertaventura. I wonder if any of you are here? That'd be wild, knowing someone was posting fanfiction within a few miles of you but not knowing who they were...**

 **Anyway, I'll see you next week!**


	55. Training Montage 9: Rasen-Against-Time-2

**Act VI: Akatsuki**

 **Training Montage 9: Rasen-Against-Time-Again**

* * *

"So. Cheating time."

Naruto flexed his arms. The clone of Kakashi he'd gotten watched him from a few metres away.

"What's the general process for creating new jutsu? Cos, like, I've never done this before in my life."

"Well..." Kakashi mused. "General process is make a rasengan, try and put an elemental release into it, watch it fizzle out or explode, and try again."

"How long did you spend doing this?"

"About five years on and off without much success."

"Eesh." Naruto winced. "Well I've gotta do it faster than Sasuke, so."

He put his hands together. "Multi shadow clone jutsu!"

Kakashi paled, just a little, as over two hundred shadow clones appeared in the clearing. "I see at least your chakra has matured. Was that without the Kyuubi?"

"Uh-huh." Naruto's face fell a little. "I haven't called on him in a while. We had this talk about control, and being responsible...I wanna be good enough without him first."

"Fair enough." Kakashi watched, as the small army began conjuring rasengan. "But yes, that should definitely bring the time down..."

* * *

"So. Cheating time." Sasuke cracked his neck. The clone of Kakashi he'd gotten watched him from a few metres away.

"You do realise you're in serious trouble, right?" He said. "Naruto can summon about fifty shadow clones on his worst day. I'd bet my life savings you can't form a rasengan with more than ten. He can't _not_ do this faster than you."

"Yeah but you see," Sasuke slowly summoned a rasengan in his hand, "I'm racing him. So I can't lose, or my honour will be irreparable damaged."

"Flawless logic." Kakashi deadpanned. "But do you have an actual plan?"

Sasuke grinned. "Sure. Sort of. Thing one; my chakra control is still way better than Naruto's. I can master the precision elements way quicker than he can."

"But not fifty times quicker."

"No. But thing two;" Sasuke pointed to his eyes, "the Sharingan is bullshit."

"You can't copy a technique you haven't completed yet." Kakashi pointed out.

"I don't need to." Sasuke raised a finger. "This thing lets me see chakra in slow motion, which is hella helpful," he raised another, "and every time I make any progress I can repeat it perfectly. So yeah, I think I'll be able to close the gap."

* * *

Orochimaru gave Kabuto a sharp look, and the young man reluctantly left the room. Hinata walked over and perched on his bed. "Does this mean your research has got results? Finally?"

"You wound me." Orochimaru chuckled. "Have I ever shown an absence of skill as a scientist?"

"You took a chip out of my eye." Hinata deadpanned.

"Karin healed it." Orochimaru protested.

"Yes, but I don't _like_ using Karin to heal myself, it's barbaric." Hinata sighed. "Anyway, what are the results?"

Orochimaru smiled, and gestured to his bedside table.

"You know, normal people keep books in there? Maybe a pencil and paper?" Hinata could already see what he meant (three cheers for the Byakugan), she reached in and pulled out the scientific looking equipment, a tray of tweezers, microscopes, and one pot of green goop. Orochimaru began ordering them meticulously, sickly arms shaking but nonetheless precise and careful. "I had to get it down to a cellular level for this to work. The change doesn't occur until you're dealing with 'wholes', if there are missing connections with other necessary biological parts it doesn't work...here. Look."

Hinata put her eye to the microscope. She saw...a blob. "This is me?"

"One of your cells, yes. So far it's remained connected to your chakra network, from the supply you gave me earlier-"

"You drained me while I was sleeping."

"-semantics, dear. Now, look what happens when I disconnect that flow."

He flicked a light off. Hinata squinted. "It...died."

"Quite. Even if there was ever life without chakra, well, we can't go on without it now. But if you look into microscope number two..."

Hinata sighed, and complied. "It's another blob."

"Cell, darling, you're killing me. Now this time, when I disconnect it from your chakra, I'm going to substitute in mine."

Hinata watched. There was a shift in colour (though that may have just been the Byakugan showing her Orochimaru's different flavour) but otherwise, the cell didn't change. "It's still alive." She noted. "That's not revolutionary. Chakra can be transferred benignly, it's one of the most basic medical techniques."

"You know medical ninjutsu?" Orochimaru asked.

"Some basics. If you can imagine, I used to hate the idea of violence." Hinata replied, drolly. "You can pour in your own chakra to keep alive someone who's been exhausted or drained. It's true for anyone."

"It is." Orochimaru conceded. "But keep looking."

Hinata did. And frowned, as slowly..."It's going...white."

An opal shell seemed to slowly cover the cell.

"Pure white." Orochimaru emphasised, grinning. "A perfect white. They do this with anyone's chakra, and if I keep it alive through more creative means, it does the same. It becomes stronger, harder, lighter. A metamorphosis, or an evolution."

"You think this is it?" Hinata asked. "The Gokei?"

"The Sharingan and Byakugan are two sides of the same coin. The former more offensive, the latter more defensive. If the one is evolved through murder, it stands to reason that the other requires a brush with death."

"Hn." Hinata couldn't help but shudder slightly. "So I would have to survive without chakra-"

"For almost two minutes, if my calculations are right." Orochimaru nodded. "And your clan techniques provide the perfect way to do so."

Hinata looked at him. "The 128 palms is enough to cut off every chakra pathway in the body, if not every point. You want me to gentle fist _myself?"_

"I admit, it will be highly dangerous." Orochimaru grimaced. "I'd prefer to test it on other subjects first but, well, we don't _have_ any other Hyuuga." he looked up at her, and Hinata found what just might have been genuine concern on his face. Or it was just the light. "It's your choice, Hinata. I don't like the idea of risking you."

Hinata sat back and thought. "Whatever the process is, it happened to Neji. And I'm almost certain that it happened on accident, though nothing is impossible when it comes to him. Which means this has to be a situation that he...endured..."

"Hinata?" Orochimaru tilted his head.

"We do it." She looked up, white eyes hard.

"You-"

"I think I know when this happened to Neji." Hinata explained, a certain memory running incessantly through her head. "This is it. We do it."

"Very well." Orochimaru sighed. "I'll prep a room. Make sure your body is ready."

And wasn't _that_ a strange choice of words. "I will."

* * *

" _SHIT-" BOOM._

Kakashi cracked an eye open and sighed irritably. This was not the first time he had heard those two noises in that particular order. Nor the fifth, nor the tenth. Resigned to abandoning his nap, he sat up and stretched, looking across at Sasuke. The boy was laid out flat on his back. There was dust and burn marks all over his clothes. "So, how's the new technique coming along?" Kakashi asked, brightly.

" _Fuck this_." Sasuke orated, loudly, flailing his hands, wildly.

"What a helpful and informative statement."

"Ugh." Sasuke sat up. "This...this is not going well. The fire style just does not want to gel with the spinning! Whenever I try to set it alight the flames just spin out wildly, I can't build up any real power in it!"

"This week's problem; fire spreads." Kakashi deadpanned. "Other issues; wind blows. Lightning jumps."

"Oh no, _last_ week's problem was that fire spreads." Sasuke sighed. "I figured that instead of actual flames I could just superheat the chakra itself. Which worked, sorta. Of course then it got way harder to stop it spinning out of control, so I had to try and tighten the curve against the heat, but if I don't make it hot enough it just collapses inwards instead of outwards. Still working on finding that equilibrium. But none of it matters!" Sasuke held his hand out again.

Kakashi watched, intrigued, as the rasengan formed, then began to glow orange, then compressed in width so it was more cylindrical than spherical, like a kunai rapidly spinning about its centre.

"None of it _matters_ ," Sasuke continued, focusing, "because the heat doesn't _do_ anything. At least not while it's contained in the spiral. I mean maybe the attack potency goes up a bit, but what's it gonna melt that the rasengan wasn't already ripping through? 'Oh well done, you've cauterised the wound, you've made the technique _less lethal_ '. If I'm gonna impale someone with it I may as well use the chidori. And, of course, there's the fact that the moment I let go of it-" he threw the thing forwards.

Kakashi (in a show of how much he cared for his student) immediately hid behind Sasuke's back as the jutsu unravelled a moment out of his hand.

 _BOOM_ , it went, as a wave of hot air washed over both of them.

"-the heat just dissipates into the surroundings." Sasuke finished, wincing a little. "And it's a lot of heat, and it burns you if you get too close, but that doesn't help me much. 'Oh, wonderful, I've heated up the back of the man I just ran through and also burned my own hand.' I'm almost considering giving it up as a bad job."

"It's possible you could modify it to make some sort of fire punch jutsu?" Kakashi suggested. "Lower cost, less chakra control needed, useful for a lot of people in the village."

"I could..." Sasuke agreed. "But I don't _want_ one of those. I _want_ a jutsu scarier than the rasengan."

"Then you know what you have to do." Kakashi shrugged. "Be careful, slow, methodical, carefully figure out-"

"Come up with something stupid to make it work! You're right!" Sasuke slapped him on the shoulder. "Thanks! You've helped a lot."

"Why do I even bother..."

* * *

"My problem is," Naruto decided, "I can't control the shape, the chakra, _and_ the nature transformation at the same time."

"Well, you know what you have to do." Kakashi shrugged. "Be-"

"Use more shadow clones!" Naruto exclaimed. "Great idea, sensei, you're the best!"

"Why do I even bother..."

* * *

"You're crazy!" Karin hissed. Hinata had cornered her in the corridor to explain the situation. "You-You do realise that Orochimaru-"

"Wants to steal my body? Yes. Of course." Hinata shrugged. She didn't seem too concerned.

"You're going to paralyse yourself and sit there at his mercy while your body gets a new power up and his old body is on the verge of _death_." Karin summarised. "Hinata. The stars are _aligning_ for him to take your body. He probably thinks it's christmas. Only a madwoman would go into that room!"

"And I'm going in anyway." Hinata shrugged.

"You-"

"I'll take precautions."

"We could just run! _I'll_ provide the chakra, just-" Karin paused. Hinata was giving her a look.

"You'd already thought of that." The redhead realised. "You're planning something."

"If you could," Hinata responded, not confirming or denying it, "I'd like it if you found yourself nearby at the time of the procedure. I may need some...support, during or afterwards."

"I'll be there." Karin promised. "Hinata...don't die, okay?"

"I won't." The Hyuuga smiled. "I can't kill Neji if I'm dead, can I?"

"Not to mention you promised your boyfriend." Karin teased.

Hinata, predictably, blushed heavily. "Right. And that."

* * *

Sasuke sat, musing, at a ramen stand in central Konoha. Outside, someone was handing out balloons to children. He watched, bemused, as they pumped more and more air into one of them, but then the pressure inside became too much, and it popped, startling all the children.

Sasuke's eyes widened. "YO I HAVE AN IDEA-"

* * *

The room was dark. Hinata knew this was not for any particular purpose, Orochimaru just really liked it when his rooms were dimly lit by weak, flickering candle flames or ominously glowing coals. She wasn't quite sure whether it was just an aesthetic choice or (more amusingly) something about his snake eyes didn't like bright lights.

But either way, it was dark, and she stood alone with her master in a locked room with a single bed against one wall.

It wasn't as weird as it looked.

"Shadow clone jutsu." She muttered, summoning a copy of herself.

"Are you certain about this?" Orochimaru asked. He was uncharacteristically concerned, his usual unflappable nature seemingly having abandoned him. Which was odd, because it was very unlike him to be actually _worried_ about her.

"I'm certain." She nodded, stretching her arms to prevent any long lasting damage from the paralysis. "Let's get it over with."

"Right." Orochimaru sighed. He straightened, and refocused on her. "Go."

The shadow clone fell into stance.

A successful thirty-two palms would prevent most opponents from using any jutsu, and paralyse them for a short time.

A sixty-four palms would completely prevent all chakra usage, and paralyse the opponent for hours. It was the most common technique for adults to use in battle.

But this was different. It would require the complete halt of all chakra flow through the body. All 361 points would need to be rendered useless. Some could be hit in clusters, some would be eliminated when their neighbours went down, but this would still require the highest level technique most Hyuuga masters learned.

Eight Trigrams, One Hundred and Twenty Eight palms. A technique that would completely shut down all body functions, blind you, and kill you inside of two minutes. The books speculated as to what killed you first; the heart stopping, the stomach and liver breaking apart, or the brain running out of oxygen.

Hinata might be about to find out.

She exhaled, and nodded to her clone.

The hits thudded into her.

She had to deliberately quash her instincts to block, and was glad that quickly enough all pain was numbed entirely. Her body felt cold, and then she couldn't feel it at all. She lost all sense of up or down, but heard something that might have been her body being lowered onto the bed by her clone.

"She hasn't swallowed her tongue, which is good." Came her clone's muffled voice. "Chakra flow is completely down, administering support now." Chakra poured into her, and _that_ she could feel. Her brain lost some of the sluggishness it had taken on.

"Body functions...stabilising." Reported her clone. "No unusual behaviour from her cells as of yet."

"Excellent." Came Orochimaru's voice. There was a shuffle (Orochimaru was _shuffling_ ) and then a sigh. "Alright then, let's get the horrible betrayal out of the way."

There was a whoosh, and then the chakra flow cut off, and then there was a sudden influx of chakra as her clone popped, and Hinata got the memories of Orochimaru darting out to bite the clone in the neck, and then there was a poof as the shadow clone she had disguised as a candle appeared and attacked, and then there was a brief scuffle, but the clone couldn't use the gates or the curse mark, and then there was another influx of chakra and another set of memories, and then there was silence.

No more chakra flowed into her body, and her brain began to throb.

 _I may have miscalculated slightly._ She thought, dimly.

There was another sigh, and she heard Orochimaru come to lean on her bed. "So." He began. "Let's talk."

* * *

Karin crept through the corridors of the hideout. It was a very scary thing to do. She knew that she should probably be walking normally, that it would be less suspicious than creeping, but she couldn't _help_ but creep, because she was _betraying Orochimaru_ and that was a _terrifying_ thing to do and the person she was doing it _for_ was currently _locked in a room with him_ -

"Going somewhere?"

She "Eep!"d and stood straight, looking forwards. Kabuto was leant against the wall, smiling that asshole smile of his.

"Kabuto." She acknowledged. "I was, um,"

"The only thing down this corridor is Orochimaru's chambers." He interrupted, standing up and placing himself in the centre of the hallway. "He has given orders not to be disturbed."

"I have been given different orders." Karin replied, boldly.

"Really?" Kabuto looked over his glasses at her, satire thick on his voice. "By Orochimaru?"

"No." She glared. "By Lady Hyuuga."

Kabuto, if anything, smiled wider. " _Perfect_. You know he told me she might try something like this. And I have permission to kill you if you she has."

"You can try." Karin replied, bravely, falling into a fighting stance.

And then she was punched in the stomach.

She blinked and Kabuto was _there_ and she was thrown backwards onto the floor, gasping for air.

"Cute." Kabuto laughed. "You do realise I'm actually really strong, right? Stronger than your average jonin? Like I could probably kill Terumi Mei."

"Mei's...fodder though." Karin was able to cough.

"Fair enough." Kabuto grabbed her by the throat and slammed her into the wall.

Karin gasped. _I may have miscalculated slightly._

"He's going to kill her, you know that, right?" The medic grinned sadistically. "That bitch is going to get _absorbed_ by him, and I get to kill you in the few minutes it takes him." He leaned in close to her face. "Really, it's like my birthday came early."

Karin managed a smile. "I thought Hinata put your birthday last month?"

He glared at her, and she darted forwards and bit his nose. Hard.

He howled, but she didn't let go, tearing a chunk out of it, and when he stumbled backwards she thrust her hands forwards and launched out the adamantine chakra chains. The golden links wrapped him up and slammed him against the opposing wall.

"Biting." She spat out the remnants of his nose. "People do it to me so often, you'd think it'd be more tasty." She took off down the corridor.

One turn, another, and then Orochimaru's room was in the wall to her left and she reached out for it-

There were two sounds, and Karin screamed.

She collapsed to the floor as the pair of kunai buried themselves perfectly into both her Achilles' tendons, and turned to see a livid Kabuto stalking towards her.

" _You_." He seethed, blood dripping from his face. "I am going to _bite your throat out_ and _use your corpse in my experiments!_ "

Sufficiently terrified, Karin scrambled backwards along the floor. She shot out some more chains but Kabuto casually swerved out of the way.

He got closer, and closer, and then he was only about a metre away-

Which was when the door to Orochimaru's door exploded outwards between them.

Both froze.

Stood in the doorway, one hand outstretched, was a small girl with blue hair.

Her eyes were white. Pure white. Swirls of opal twisted out from them, onto her forehead and out to her cheeks. She took in the scene in front of her and smiled.

"M-Master?" Kabuto tried.

"Afraid not." Replied Hinata Hyuuga. She walked out to stand between him and Karin.

"I..." he gulped. "What did you-"

"Isn't it obvious?" She shrugged. "I killed him."

Kabuto looked, shocked, into the room. Through the doorway, all he could see was a few dead snakes on the floor.

"But...but-" Karin watched Kabuto's tone shift. "The redhead." He tried. "She was about to-"

"You are trying to lie to me." Hinata stopped him, calmly. "I can _see_ it. Don't try."

Kabuto wisely shut up.

"So...you..." Karin tried to think of what to say.

Hinata turned and smiled at her. "That's right. I've unlocked the Gokei." She looked back at Kabuto. "You. Fix what you just did to my friend, I'm going to get Juugo out of his cage. think it's about time I paid my cousin a visit."

* * *

 **And thus, the biggie is revealed to the audience. Yes, I deliberately didnt show how Hinata managed to win from that much of a handicap, it'll be revealed later. Other than that, though, this chapter was mostly buildup. It's next chapter where we get to see Hinata's new dojutsu put to work.**

 **On an entirely seperate note, I am running out of backlog. Come on brain, all you have to do is concurrently write the three most climactic fights of the fic so far...**


	56. Who's Jashin?

**Who's Jashin?**

* * *

Beginnerus Rukku

Noun.

Beginnerus Rukku refers to the well reported phenomenon where a technique is significantly more powerful or effective the first time it is used or revealed, when compared to later uses. It is unknown what causes this occurrence, with common theories being the surprise of facing a new technique, or the user not knowing how to regulate it's chakra properly yet.

Links to common comic book tropes are yet unproven.

Examples:

"Naruto just learned shadow clones and he immediately beat up a chunin with it. Beginnerus Rukku if I've ever seen it."

"Naruto just learned the rasengan and he immediately dunked on a jonin level missing-nin with it. Beginnerus Rukku I guess."

"First time Naruto uses the chakra chains he suppresses the freaking one tails with them what kind of Beginnerus Rukku is that."

"Why are all these examples about Naruto."

* * *

It was possible, Asuma reflected, that he had underestimated his opponents this time.

To his right, Choji cried out in pain as a barrage of wind blades crashed into his enlarged forearms. The boy was unwilling to move away, though; on the ground behind him was a jonin with his leg broken. Kurenai and Ino were both out cold as well, their specialty techniques had both (somehow) failed to work on the behemoth of a creature calling itself Kakuzu.

As for Asuma himself, he was similarly hard pressed. He and another jonin were currently weathering a blistering kenjutsu assault from their other opponent. Shikimaru's shadow possession had cut out a few moments ago, leaving this 'Hidan' free to swing his scythe like a maniac with a disturbed grin on his face, and Asuma was barely able to keep his chakra daggers between himself and his enemy. Even as he thought that, Hidan jabbed a fist into his face and then span 360 degrees with his scythe pulled tight into his body, and Asuma wasn't able to jump backwards fast enough to avoid a thin red line being cut in through his flak jacket. He grimaced, but landed just fine, easily capable of still fighting.

Hidan, however, clearly didn't think so. He grinned, and drew a line of Asuma's blood off his scythe, holding it up on his finger. "Perfect." He breathed. "Let's let Jashin judge you."

"...who?" Asuma blinked.

Hidan frowned. "J-Jashin. God."

"I thought Kami was God, who's Jashin?"

"Really? You've never heard of-" the man scowled. "Whatever. Die."

He held up the blood to his lips.

Shikimaru let out a warning cry, but before Hidan could ingest the blood, it froze on his finger.

Everyone blanched.

Hidan tried to move his finger, couldn't, and then another bolt of ice shot towards him, encasing his entire fist in the stuff. A senbon darted in next, and the hand shattered.

Hidan howled, clutching his stump, as a lithe figure dropped to the ground in-amidst the combatants.

"Scatter!" Shouted Yuki Haku, before conjuring up walls of ice between the Konoha ninja and the Akatsuki.

They didn't have to be told twice.

* * *

 **hours later**

Some distance away, all sat in a cave, the strike force finally let themselves relax.

"That was very close." Haku, sighed, looking across at them. "How's it going, guys? Choji, Shik, Asuma, hi. Ino~..." he grinned at her. "We need to talk about something later, I have an offer to make you."

The blonde squealed a little.

"It's good to see you, Haku." Asuma admitted to the boy. He had gotten to know the Mist-nin quite well over the last few years. "What are you doing here though? Last I checked you were on your way to hidden Mist."

"I was." Haku replied. "It was the fastest turnaround I've ever had to make, didn't even grab lunch." His eyes darkened. "Mei wants me to hunt down the Akatsuki, try and get the Sanbi back."

"She sent you alone? That's suicide!" Kurenai exclaimed, worried-sensei-mode activating.

"Yup," Haku admitted, grumpily, "but the alternative was settling down in Kiri and getting hitched. Mei can have my bloodline when she pries it out of my cold dead hands..."

"So what now?" Ino asked. "We can't take those guys, even with your help, they're _crazy_ strong!"

"But we can't leave them, either." Shikimaru pointed out. "They gloated that they were celebrating their latest Bijuu capture with a bounty hunting spree. If we let them go they're going to kill people. Troublesome..."

"Ino." Haku spoke up, after a moment. "You're a Yamanaka. Can you get in remote contact with Konoha?"

"Damn right I can." She smiled. "What, are we calling for backup?"

Haku nodded, grimly. "We are. And there's only two people I trust enough to have my back on this."

* * *

"Fire release sucks!"

"Your _mum_ sucks!"

"Bet my mum could make a better rasengan than _your_ mum!"

"Sucks to be you! My mum doesn't even _do_ ninjutsu, she's a _civilian_!"

"That's _gay_!"

"You're _double_ gay!"

"Well I'm more-"

There was a pause.

"What were we doing again?" Naruto checked.

"The daily talking smack about each other's jutsu to motivate each other. Obviously." Sasuke replied.

"Oh, yeah. How's that going for you by the way?"

"Not bad, actually. I've got a gimmick I think can make it work."

"Oh sweet, same." Naruto narrowed his eyes. "I think I'm going to need some sort of catalyst to finalise it, though."

"Like some sort of dramatic event to make the-"

"Make the jutsu work, yeah!"

"Yeah, beginnerus rukku. But I have no idea where we're going to get-"

There was a poof, and Kakashi appeared next to them, short of breath. "With me, now. Team Asuma has just encountered two Akatsuki and they need help." Sasuke and Naruto exchanged glances.

"Something like that?"

"Yeah, something like that."

* * *

 **The next day**

"Please, I'm begging you, I haven't done anything wrong!" Cried the man laying on the patio of his estate, next to a woman and child.

"A likely story." Hidan chuckled. "But I'm afraid I see through your lies. Jashin has ordered you sinners dead...in the form of a guy who paid 500 ryo."

The woman frowned. "Wait, who's Jashin?"

Hidan scowled. "Wait, seriously? Jashin! God almighty, leader of a great order..."

"Your religion is, like, really niche. It's basically one cult in the mountains." Kakuzu pointed out.

"W-well." Hidan looked down, genuinely upset. "Well I guess I'll have to spread the good word of our lord more forcefully!"

"We could tell everyone about him if you let us go?" The woman offered, tentatively.

"As if such sinners would ever keep their word." Hidan scoffed.

"Is this because of Derek?" The man asked. "That asshole who lives in hidden Cloud? He's not ordering divine justice, he's just pissed because I slept with his wife!"

"You fucking _what_?" The woman next to him exclaimed.

"Sinner!" Hidan pointed. "I knew it! I knew it because Jashin told me so!"

"Can we stop wasting time on your religious shit." Deadpanned Kakuzu. "This guy's life is worth, like, nothing. The Leaf ninja, yesterday? Millions of ryo, man. Millions."

"Pfft. I'm not in this for the money." Hidan scoffed.

"Then what was that ranting I heard on Thursday?" Kakuzu asked.

"Look I go through Akatsuki cloaks at a ridiculous rate (mostly because of _you_ ) and these things cost 45 ryo."

"You don't understand, honey," said the man on the ground, "Derek wasn't home, me and Stacy were-"

"Stacy is a harlot!" The woman snapped,

"Jashin-"

"Money-"

"You can't just-"

" _Can all of you Shut Up!_ " Haku yelled at the top of his lungs.

The Akatsuki turned around to see him stood in the middle of the garden, having just jumped out of the hedge maze at the back, pinching his nose to hold back a stress headache. "For the love of Kami...I was going to stealth attack you but I cannot put up with _that_ any longer."

"The girl from yesterday..." Kakuzu replied, turning to look at him. Haku tried not to shiver, there was something _wrong_ with the man. "I hard that Mist has quite a bounty on Zabuzza's apprentice."

"Actually no, they cleared that." Haku replied.

"Oh. Well then you're no use to me." Kakuzu shrugged and turned back to the civilian family.

Haku sighed and whistled. Asuma and Kurenai jumped out from behind him.

"Now _that's_ more like it!" Gleefully, Kakuzu (and after some poking, Hidan) turned fully to face the new threat.

"So, the plan?" Asuma asked.

"Delay until reinforcements arrive?" Haku offered.

"I'll take it."

In front of them, Kakuzu made hand seals, and blasted forwards a torrent of water. Smiling, Haku brought his own hands up, and the jets turned into a wall of ice in front of the three jonin.

Kakuzu snarled, and made more seals, before blasting a massive inferno of flames towards the wall. This wasn't like the blasts Haku had tanked from Sasuke on the Bridge of the Water Dragon, this was a Kage level fire style that looked set to melt the wall entirely.

So Haku let it.

At another gesture from him, the wall melted, and immediately vaporised into steam.

"Hidden Mist." Haku smirked. "Hiding in the mist jutsu."

And he was gone.

A lot happened, as the rapidly cooling steam flooded the garden. First, Ino-Shika-Cho leapt down from the roof of the building and picked up the civilian family, jumping away with them. Then, Haku sprinted in, ice manifesting into long, thin daggers in his hands. Hidan shouted out a warning but was too late; the Akatsuki were blinded and Haku darted past, drawing one dagger across Hidan's throat, jumping a flailing scythe and appearing behind Kakuzu to stab another blade through the taller man's heart.

There was a pause.

"Huh." Haku remarked. "I was expecting a little more than that."

Which was when he heard the laughing.

Haku couldn't see, that was the whole point of the mist, but Kakuzu was chuckling very much unlike someone who had just been impaled, and Hidan was laughing very much unlike someone missing a trachea.

 _Genjutsu? No, I checked. What the hell-_

"Aww, poor little girl." Kakuzu chuckled. "What, did you think they call us the zombie duo for nothing?"

" _Boy_ -"

Haku jumped backwards as five _somethings_ erupted out of Kakuzu's back, and then back again as one of them emitted a 360 degree blast of wind release chakra that hurled him straight through the window to the manor. The wind blew away the mist, revealing the five Konoha ninja (the two unnamed had been too injured to continue, how convenient) stood before them.

"Oh, that's why the mind transfer didn't work..." Ino mused.

Kakuzu cut the black chords connecting him to one of the five floating masks, which had flopped to the floor the moment it had appeared. "That's right." He gloated. "Five hearts. Or, four now. Means you'll have to kill me four more times, if you think you can manage it."

"They can break each other out of genjutsu?" Kurenai exclaimed.

"Heh. Yeah."

"New plan." Shikimaru told them, and they all immediately listened. "Leave Kakuzu to Haku and gang up on the taijutsu guy."

" _That's_ the plan?" Choji looked at him, exasperated.

"I don't have much to work with here." Shikimaru admitted, maybe a little sheepishly.

There was a crash, and Haku jumped back out of a window. _Three_ of him.

The identical copies of the Mist ninja jumped out and all surrounded Kakuzu, as one putting their hands together to form a wide prison of ice mirrors. The giant was then bombarded with a _hailstorm_ of ice senbon. The Leaf ninja used the opportunity to close in on Hidan, but it didn't last.

The earth around Kakuzu buckled, jagged spikes of stone piercing up to disrupt the mirror formations and allowing him to casually stroll out. The three Haku jumped to follow him, conjuring various weapons out of ice to attack with, and Kakuzu responded with various elemental blasts.

One arc of wind caught a Haku in the chest, but he shattered into dozens of pieces.

"Ice _clones_?" Kakuzu asked, incredulously.

 _Mirror clones, actually. Don't get memories from them, but they all share chakra with each other. Take_ that _, Naruto._ Haku had the sense _not_ to describe how his powers worked out loud, instead launching a freezing breath to try and keep Kakuzu's hearts in place. This time the wind element intervened, blowing away the freezing air before it could reach anything. Haku grimaced, noted his rapidly dipping chakra reserves, and began to switch up his tactics, using wind and water individually.

The rest of the combatants were having a similarly difficult time. All of them at once could probably contain Hidan with taijutsu grappling (they were a capture and interrogation team, after all) but in their way was Hidan and Kakuzu's peculiar brand of 'teamwork'. The latter tore the terrain into jagged spikes, conjured harsh winds, floods, and blasts of lightning in a complete frenzy. The former was completely unaffected by _any of those things_.

Konoha's ninja were constantly jumping and dodging to avoid Kakuzu's elemental attacks, while Hidan completely ignored them. Nothing short of dismemberment had any particular effect on him, and since only one or two ninja could ever close into melee with him at once, they were always at a disadvantage. This was demonstrated when a massive torrent of flame split the battlefield into two segments, and Hidan just _walked through the flames_ to attack them further. They didn't know if it was incredible discipline or some real divine intervention, but none of Kurenai's genjutsu would work on him, either, and Ino could not for the life of her transfer into his head. Choji was too afraid to use his expansion jutsu because one cut put him at risk of a blood-loss related instakill. And Shikimaru just wasn't doing his thing, for some reason, so _nobody's_ gimmicks were working.

And so, they were losing.

On the other side of the field, Kakuzu threw out a set of long black strings and was able to wrap the real Haku up around his legs, arms and waist, hoisting him up into the air.

Panting, and exhausted, Haku was unable to resist.

"Now look at you." Kakuzu chuckled, darkly. "All tied up and at my mercy."

"K-kinky." Haku shot back, putting on an ahegao face. "Kakuzu-kun, please, be gentle!"

"I thought you said you were a dude?" The man tilted his head.

"I am, that a problem?" Haku wriggled and made a noise. "If you could just, ngh, keep this up for a little longer I'm almost there-"

"Okay, this is gross. Now I'm going to steal your heart."

"Oh but Kakuzu-kun, you already have~"

What little Kakuzu had that could be called a face scowled, and more tendrils came up, spearing towards Haku's chest.

 _Inner Zabuzza, what do I do?_ He asked, desperately.

 _Kill the Mizukage!_ Said inner Zabuzza.

 _Oh for-_ Haku apologised internally to Tsunade, and prepared to break his strength of a hundred seal.

Which was when he felt a tugging on the back of his neck.

Grinning in relief, he consented to the substitution jutsu, and popped into existence a few dozen metres above the manor. A pair of strong arms grabbed him, and then he landed softly on the floor some distance from Kakuzu.

"Aww, crap. Was I late?" Asked Uzumaki Naruto.

"Fashionably late." Haku smiled back at him. "if you keep doing things like this I'm going to fall for you again."

"I'm not joining in whatever you, Sai and Ino are up to, if that's what you're asking." Naruto replied, also in good spirits, as he put Haku back on his feet.

Across the garden, Hidan was set on fire _again_ as Sasuke and Kakashi also flipped down into the battlefield, landing beside Asuma and Kurenai.

"You always gotta be so dramatic?" Sasuke called across.

"Can it, edgelord!" Naruto shot back.

Kakuzu looked out at them all without a trace of fear. "Well damn. Look at all that money. Ooh, Sharingan Kakashi! You're worth _buckets_ of ryo."

" _Who_ is putting out all these bounties?" Naruto exclaimed.

"Lightning, probably." Haku admitted. "And, uh, Mist. Sorry."

Hidan hurled away his burnt and tattered cloak in annoyance, glaring at the new arrivals. "You dare to-hrk!" He froze in place as his own shadow grabbed his body.

"Sasuke. With me." Shikimaru said, as though he hasn't just paralysed a dangerous criminal with the shadow possession, and ran off towards the hedge maze. Hidan was forced to follow, and Sasuke (shrugging) took off after him.

"Which leaves you to me." Naruto eyed Kakuzu critically. "Damn, you're uglier than Sasori. You look like-"

"We're not doing this for every unattractive enemy you meet, Naruto!" Kakashi called across.

"Ugh. Fine!"

"I hope you realise what you're getting into, boy." The giant replied, masks swaying dangerously. "The last ninja I fought from Leaf besides you lot...

...was the first Hokage."

There was a pause.

Then everyone started laughing.

"What-" Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "What's so funny?"

"The first Hokage?" Naruto replied. "Hashi-freakin-rama Senju?"

"Yes."

"Well obviously you didn't _win_."

"I mean-" Kakuzu looked down, "Technically-"

"Hashirama could have beaten up everyone here in moments!" Naruto had tears in his eyes. "That's like me saying I fought Orochimaru when I was twelve!"

"You did?" Kakuzu blinked.

"Yeah, but I got my ass kicked immediately. 'Fought the first Hokage', the fuck outta here that's the most pointless boast I've ever heard."

"Okay that's it, you all die now." Kakuzu began glowing with elemental might.

Naruto put a hand on Haku's shoulder, and the ice boy felt chakra flood through his system, reinvigorating him.

"Keep him distracted." Naruto said, making a pair of shadow clones. "I've got something I want to test out on him."

* * *

"So what does this guy do?" Sasuke asked, following Shikimaru through the hedge maze. He had no idea where they were going, but he wouldn't put it past the Nara to have memorised the maze's layout on his way in.

"He attempts to draw blood, then ingests it and performs a ritual where he stabs himself to inflict wounds on the person he drew it from."

"How do you _know_ that?"

"Because I'm Nara Shikimaru. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

"Fair enough."

Shikimaru scowled at something, sweat on his forehead. "Something's resisting me. I can't hold him for much longer, this is such a drag. You have a way to take him out, right?"

"I got a few plans, yeah."

"Oh, good." The shadow snapped.

 _Dammit Shik-_

Sasuke hurled himself forwards as the scythe whistled over his head, then drew his sword to parry the following swipe.

"What-" _clang_ "maniac-" _clang_ "uses a-" _clang_ "scythe with-" _clang_ " _Three Blades?_ "

"This one!" Hidan had a crazed smile as he hurled Sasuke up and backwards with the sheer force of one of his blows.

The Uchiha landed...next to a pretty fountain. _Oh hey the centre of the maze._

He looked up and met Hidan's eyes.

Hidan tilted his head. "Are you trying to genjutsu me? Please."

"Do you just resist _everything_?" Sasuke glared. "What are you, a Senju?"

"No such genetic trivia." The man huffed. "My powers are granted by my God. My mind and body are infallible."

"Oh, we'll see about that." Sasuke palmed his left bracer. "A little birdie told me you don't do great with dismemberment. I'm thinking of going a step further than that, should probably do the trick."

Hidan's eyes narrowed. "What 'little birdie'?"

Sasuke didn't respond, instead gathering fire release chakra in his left hand.

Hidan obviously wasn't about to let that happen, rushing forwards with his scythe, and when he was just too close for Sasuke to possibly defend himself...there was a poof of smoke.

"Boom." Sasuke said, swinging Shibuki.

"Boom-"

 _Boom_.

A few of the custom explosive tags on the blastsword's surface detonated, and a concentrated burst of concussive force smashed onto Hidan's body.

The scythe (and its owner) went flying, the former burying itself into the fountain while the latter crashed into one of the hedges.

"I'm keeping that." Sasuke nodded to the scythe.

Hidan staggered to his feet, glaring, and still mostly unharmed. "That is a holy relic of-"

He was interrupted by a loud whine, like a buzzsaw going off, along with a horrible rending sound.

"That'll be Naruto killing your teammate." The Uchiha remarked, offhandedly. "My turn."

He put his hand out, and started gathering energy. For real this time. The glowing red swirl formed in his hand, quickly lengthening and thinning into a kunai shape. "This doesn't usually work, but I've had a cool idea about how to apply it. Let's see how it goes!"

"Hah! I don't think you understand!" Hidan spread his arms wide, grinning as Sasuke took off into a sprint. "Nothing you do can kill me! I am immortal! I am eternal! The scythe that reaps the souls of the wicked, the light that burns away all evil! I AM JASHIN'S CHOSEN!"

Sasuke dashed in, until his face was inches from Hidan's. Then he frowned in confusion. "Who's Jashin?"

"OH FOR FUCK'S-"

The jutsu slammed into his chest, _melting_ right into his abdomen, as Sasuke's palm struck him and pushed him backwards.

The religious maniac crashed backwards, through one of the hedges, gripping his stomach. He seemed unhurt, initially. Then, after a moment, his eyes widened, and he began to scream.

Sasuke dove behind the fountain as Hidan literally exploded.

Blood, shards of bone, and other matter peppered the surrounding fifty metres and rained down from the air for a good few seconds afterwards.

Then there was silence.

Shikimaru, sat on the sidelines, flicked some goop off his face. "What was that?"

Sasuke peeked up over the rim of the fountain. "Rasenkunai."

"Huh?"

"What happens if a firework goes off on your open palm?"

Shikimaru paused to think about it. "Not much, actually."

"What happens if you clench your fist around it?"

"It'll blow your fingers off." Shikimaru hummed. "You superheated the chakra, then put the technique _inside_ him. It degraded, and its immediate surroundings heated, expanded..."

"It turned him into a frag grenade." Sasuke finished. He eyed a piece of brain matter floating in the fountain. "He's still alive, I think. Technically."

"...Would you like to play videogames some time?" Shikimaru offered, after a moment.

"Sure. Why?"

"I'm now afraid of you." The Nara replied, simply. "I think we should be better friends."

"Hah."

Back from the garden, there was a loud outcry of "EUGH! I JUST GOT EYEBALL IN MY HAIR! SASUKE WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"

* * *

 **Didn't expect to be done with both of those two in one chapter, but there you go.**

 **Presenting, Sasuke's new technique. Naruto, offscreen, is doing pretty much what he did in canon against Kakuzu, and Haku is still best boy.**

 **Next week on dragon ball Z: Epilogues! Exposition! Threesomes! And other wholesome fun.**


	57. Take Me Seriously!

**Take Me Seriously!**

* * *

"You've got a lot of nerve." Athena remarked, glaring.

"Good to see you too, sister." Icarus replied, dryly, picking at his beak with one wing. "How's Kudos doing?"

"Oh he's great, gotten a lot bigger. Why are you here?" Athena shifted her posture, making it clear that a fight was very much possible.

"Peace," he bowed his head in submission, "I'm not here to fight."

Athena glared at him. "That's usually what peace means, yes. Are you here with an apology, then? Or an explanation? It's been a full decade and _now_ you come to talk?"

"Neji is going to confront Hinata."

"...I see." She looked at him, closely. "Will you object to me telling her?"

"You will not need to." Icarus replied. "He is about to invite her himself."

"Invite." Athena huffed. "To her death?"

Icarus didn't respond.

"And what follows?" She snapped. "When one of the last two Hyuuga lie dead, what will you do?"

"I will return. I will explain. And I will accept judgement."

That bombshell shocked her into silence.

"Do not expect me to apologise." He continued. "I don't regret what I did. But I miss my family, and I am willing to undergo punishment to return to you. Perhaps a more pressing issue, however, is that you are also invited."

"Invited?"

"To witness the fight. Neji is setting up some summoning technique or another. Any owl that wants to may come and watch, but must not interfere."

Athena looked at him. The two pairs of white eyes met.

"I hope," she told him, "that you are _not_ insane."

He did the owl equivalent of raising an eyebrow at her.

"Fine." She sighed. "Some representatives will be there. And I suppose I shall have to..." she paused. "...Tell Hinata she needn't make an effort to spare Neji...Is that why he sent you? To ensure she doesn't hold back?"

Icarus didn't reply, turning and hopping off his planetoid before gliding into the distance.

Deeply troubled, Athena watched him go.

* * *

"Alright then; I am twenty three."

"False."

"I am seventeen."

"False."

"I am nineteen."

"True."

"'My favourite colour is cyan."

"True, apparently. I would have guessed orange."

"Incredible." Jugo breathed. "You can just...tell?"

"I can see it." Hinata shrugged, slightly uncomfortable at the praise. "It's in your brain. It lights up differently when you're lying."

"No secrets and now no lies? I pity anyone who you end up married to." Karin remarked from her left.

"No you don't."

"No, I don't. This is hilarious!" The redhead had a shark-like grin on her face.

The three were running at a reasonable pace through one forest or another. Their destination was Konoha.

"Are you sure we should just be leaving Kabuto back in the hideout?" Jugo asked. "The look in his face...he didn't seem too stable."

"I couldn't _kill_ him." Hinata sighed. "After I told him I'd killed Orochimaru he was just so..." she searched for the word, "hopeless. Empty. He couldn't have fended off _Suigetsu_ , he was that shaken."

"Oh yeah, are we just leaving Suigetsu, too?" Karin asked.

"Is he relevant to the plot?" Hinata countered.

"Not really?"

"I didn't think so. I freed him, but he's not coming with us."

"Good." Karin decided. "That guy was an asshole."

* * *

Across the valley, Suigetsu flexed his arms and grinned. "I'm going to collect all the seven swords of the Mist."

* * *

Further away, Sasuke hissed spontaneously, putting his hand on the bracer where six of the swords were stored.

"...What the fuck was that." Kakashi deadpanned, staring at him.

* * *

"And anyway, how _did_ you kill Orochimaru?" Karin squinted at her friend. "You were paralysed, dying, he had-"

"I'm not giving away _all_ my secrets." Hinata dodged, smiling. "By the way, you might want to ready yourselves. We have incoming."

Jugo took a moment to understand, but Karin was well used to Hinata's eyesight. "What's the threat?"

Hinata squinted, more as a reflex that anything else. "From what I can see, Deidara of the Akatsuki, Deidara's bird, and..."

"What?" Jugo asked.

Hinata blinked, looking at the guy with an orange mask. Underneath his clothing, he was horribly disfigured, with scars drawn across one side of his face. Half of his body was...wrong. It wasn't human, wasn't a puppet, wasn't clay, it was some organic _thing_ that welded onto his other half seamlessly. That wasn't the issue, however. He had a Sharingan in his right eye. And a Byakugan in his left.

And then (from three kilometres away) he turned towards her and _winked_.

* * *

The blond, androgynous man looked across at Hinata when the two parties finally met.

"Well well well. Look at you. Those eyes remind me of this one guy I really don't like-"

"Who the hell are you?"

"Straight to the point, huh? Alright, I can respect that. My name is Deidara and-"

"Not you." Hinata stared down the man in the orange mask. "You. Who the _hell_ are you?"

"Bwuh?" Said the man in the orange mask. "But-but-but Deidara-kun is the most interesting person in the world!" And then beneath the mask he mouthed 'he's an asshole'.

"What is your game?" Hinata stared him down. "Does the rest of the Akatsuki know about you? What you are? What you _have_?"

"Can we, maybe, focus a little?" Deidara tried to intervene, but Hinata made a dismissive shushing motion at him.

"Not right now, adults are talking. Seriously. Where did you get that dojutsu?"

"He has a dojut- you have a dojutsu?" Deidara couldn't seem to decide who to focus on.

"Tobi may, or may not, have borrowed it from a nice man called Ao in Mist one time." Tobi replied. Hinata could _tell_ he was putting the voice on. "Also Tobi may have blamed the whole thing on Neji. But Tobi didn't get caught!"

"Borrowed?" Karin blinked, from the sidelines. "I heard about that incident, Ao's _dead_."

Hinata was piecing the events together in her head.

"The Byakugan cannot be retrieved from a branch member due to the caged bird seal." She snarled, recounting from memory. "This is why the singular main branch member from each generation is usually not sent to front line combat. Except once, when the 26 year old Hiashi Hyuuga took to the battlefield to retrieve his brother, who had been captured by Mist agents. He retrieved his sibling, but lost his eye."

She glared flatly at the orange mask. "That's my father's eye, you stealing filth. Who the _hell_ are you?"

"Tobi is just Tobi. Nobody important." The man shrugged, grinning. And _she_ knew that _he_ knew that he was lying.

Hinata took a threatening step forwards but was interrupted when an explosion went off just to her left. She turned, annoyed, to stare at Deidara, who was brushing some clay remnants off of his hands. "Well, as exciting as I'm sure this is supposed to be, can we shift the attention back over to me where it belongs? Me and my secretive companion here are looking for Orochimaru, have you seen him around?"

"Orochimaru is dead." Hinata told him. "I killed him."

"Oh, damn." Deidara paused to think about that. "Well I can't go back and tell the boss someone else did it...I suppose, as a loyal Akatsuki member, I'd be morally obligated to kill you instead."

"You have an ulterior motive." Hinata said, flatly.

"No." He lied. She didn't need the Gokei to tell her this time; he wasn't even trying to conceal his anticipation.

Hinata documented the moment she realised she wasn't getting out of this without a fight, and sighed.

"Listen. I'm not here to fight, I only-" she blurted into motion.

Deidara tried to throw himself backwards, but underestimated her speed when halfway through her charge she kicked open the first gate, blasting towards him with her palm out and the intention of ending this quickly.

She didn't get the chance, however.

'Tobi' screamed "Senpai! No!" And threw himself in front of Hinata's charge. Her palm hit him in the gut and sent him catapulting into a nearby tree.

"Tobi?" Deidara blinked. "You, uh..?"

Tobi coughed. "Deidara-Senpai...I can see the light..."

"What is your _game_?" Hinata repeated, glaring at the orange mask. She had just seen him notice her attack, pause and wait to see Deidara's response, then sigh and interpose himself.

"Senpai...let's go home..."

"You want to see me fight him? Is that it?"

"Oshiete, Senpai..."

Behind Hinata, Deidara was doing some weird chakra stuff with his clay, and she sighed and turned fully to him.

"Finally." The blond grinned. "I've been waiting a long time for this match-"

"I don't want to hear your tragic backstory." Hinata told him, getting more infuriated by the minute. "I don't care. We're going to fight and then I'm leaving."

"You sound just like him." Deidara tchd. "Do you know what happened when Neji first met me?"

* * *

 **Eight years ago.**

A young Deidara glared at the two people in the black cloaks. "And who the hell are you?"

"We're here to recruit you." Said the one with the white eyes. He looked remarkably bored with everything going on.

"Recruit me?" Deidara laughed. "Why would I want to hang with you two fashion abominations?"

The other tilted his h-

* * *

"Whoah what the hell!" Deidara screamed in a very unmasculine fashion as he jumped away from a bolt of lightning that Hinata shot at him.

"Oh good, are you finished?" She checked.

"NO!" He shot back, angrily. "I was dropping some dope exposition about me and your cousin!"

"Do you know where he is right now?" Hinata asked.

"Uh-"

"Then I don't care." She ran forwards at him again.

"Oh, that's it. You deserve this."

Deidara opened his arms and threw out a giant number of small clay explosives.

Hinata, having built up enough speed, moved into the heavenly spin kata while still sliding forwards, and the bombs detonated harmlessly against the dome of chakra.

She cracked a smile; the clouds of smoke from his bombs worked to her advantage. She could still see him, but he was functionally blind.

The smoke cleared a moment later, and two shuriken were whizzing from her to him.

Deidara dodged with a predictable ease, but not predicted was him hurling a pair of bombs behind himself and almost immediately making the hand seal to set them off. Hinata's smile fell, annoyed. Her two shuriken popped, appearing as two shadow clones, but both were caught in the bombs' explosions before they could attack.

"Come on. You thought I'd fall for that?" Deidara chuckled. "Clones hidden in projectiles is chunin stuff, sweetie."

He dug into his bags of clay. "Let me show you what a _real_ ninja can do."

Hinata had no interest in seeing it, and took off towards him.

Before she could reach Deidara, he spewed some clay out from his hands and it formed into a pair of gross, bipedal, blobby things that waddled towards Hinata with frightening speed.

She slammed a palm into one, but her hand stuck into it's viscous body, and she was unable to pull it out, leaving her trying to avoid the other one without touching it. Damn.

 _Fine then, time for the big guns._

Hinata clenched her stuck hand into a fist. "Chidori: Lionfists."

The lightning release chakra blazed to life, and she tore her hand straight out of the construct before slamming a punch into both of them. This time they fell apart immediately, and when she looked up at Deidara, he wasn't smiling anymore.

Chidori: Lionfist did about what you'd expect.

The lion's heads around each of her hands flickered blue with supercharged lightning release.

If she hit someone with it, not only would they probably die immediately, but any chakra they had left would be immediately transferred to her.

Deidara was clearly unwilling to let that happen; appearing behind him was what he had been working on while the constructs distracted her. The large clay dragon roared quite impressively as Deidara hopped up onto its back. It didn't breathe fire, but it did launch a large mass of smaller explosives from its mouth as it flapped up and took off. Hinata made another heavenly spin to shrug off the attack, before cutting one finger with a chakra scalpel and palming the ground. "Summoning jutsu."

The smoke cleared, Deidara squinted down, and Hinata rocketed upwards, almost taking the dragon's head off with another chidori. She came to a stop floating in the air in front of her opponent, riding on the back of a navy blue owl.

"Yo! This guy's summon is _big_!" Kudos exclaimed.

"Not a summon. He built it."

"Oh, that's still cool! Let's kick its butt!"

Hinata shook her head and smiled.

In the years she'd been away, Kudos had gotten significantly bigger. His wingspan was now half again as large as Forsooth's, and apparently his particular breed would keep growing until he was "as tall as grandma Athena, at least!" His claws had sharpened, his wingbeats had grown stronger, and his eyes had began to take on the opal white appearance of the Byakugan.

"See if you can get me closer. I'm gonna try and snipe his head off with the Chidori sharp spear." Hinata told her mount.

"The guy or the dragon?"

"Yes."

"Got it! Let's go, mistress!"

Kudos dove.

Deidara gestured, and his dragon opened its mouth and vomited out some more explosives.

Hinata quickly changed up her hand signs, and Kudos made a few with her.

"Chidori current!" They both declared, and a field of electricity sprung to life around the flying pair. Her Byakugan tracked the chakra in the bombs, as they encountered her defense they were disarmed immediately. "Now!" She declared, and Kudos rocketed towards Deidara.

In response, he threw out a wide spread of explosives and detonated them prematurely, causing a concussive blast of air. Kudos was forced to adjust his course, using the changing air pressure to boost himself upwards but off his attack path.

Thus began the battle in the sky.

Explosions rent the air alongside bursts of electricity, leaving it thick with the scent of ozone and smoke, as the two fighters and their rides tried to gain the upper hand over each other.

Karin, sat on the ground eating popcorn, glanced across to the other people present. "Are we gonna intervene, or..."

"RAAAARGH!" Jugo had gone into his berserker mode, wildly swinging at Tobi, and-

"Go! Go! Deidara! You! Are! The best! Kick! Her! Butt! In! To! Her...chest?" Tobi had pulled some banners with the Akatsuki logo and Deidara's face crudely drawn on them from...somewhere...and was waving them in the air. Jugo's attacks were just phasing through the masked man like he wasn't even there.

"Right. Again, I'm the only sensible one here..." Karin sighed, and grabbed another handful of popcorn.

"Alright then!" Deidara declared, a few minutes later. Strands of his hair were sticking up from the static electricity. "I suppose it's time for the big guns!" He reached into his bag, and stuffed some clay into his mouth.

"Ew." " _Ew!_ " Hinata and Kudos exclaimed in unison.

Deidara essentially blew a bubble, and emerging was a slowly widening clay doll that looked a lot like Deidara himself.

"This is my piece-de-resistance!" He declared with a flourish. "Once the C4 detonates, millions of microscopic bombs will go off, filling your body and destroying you on a cellular level!"

Hinata sighed, guiding Kudos in for a direct, high speed attack on her opponent. "Why the hell does everyone explain their moves before they use them!?"

Deidara just smiled. "Because you know I'm telling the truth. And now you know you have to deal with it."

And with that, he kicked the doll off the dragon.

 _Shit-_

There wasn't enough time to make Kudos bank, Hinata threw herself downwards towards the falling doll.

She saw Deidara make the hand seal to detonate it, saw the chakra in the doll light up, realised she wasn't close enough and reached for a particular knot of chakra at the base of her neck-

* * *

"She's gonna kick your butt!" The owl called to Deidara, flapping out of range, but he ignored it as he directed his dragon's head downwards. After two seconds, when he didn't hear the explosion, he wasn't too worried. He'd _expected_ her to be able to disarm the C4; the bitch shat out lightning chakra like she breathed. But now she was falling towards the ground without her summon. He prepared to launch another blast of explosives from the dragon's mouth, intending to use a trick he'd been keeping secret where he blew up a few of the bombs immediately to act as fuses for the others. No chakra required, no way to neutralise it, just a good old manual column of explosions that would-

There was a flash of light, and his dragon's head fell off.

He jumped backwards as a figure trailing a lightning lance flew upwards past him and _shittheresanexplosivetagonthewing-_

Another explosion, one of hers, and then his dragon was falling towards the distant ground.

His stomach lurched as suddenly he was in freefall, and he squinted upwards trying to spot how the hell she had-

Um.

What?

The Hyuuga girl reached the apex of an upwards flight, cos her arms were _wings_ now, with dark blue feathers everywhere, and she looked down and _winked_ at him as she began to fall at a very rapid pace and the lightning spear made out of _black lightning_ coming out of one hand was still there except now it was pointed downwards at him and he tried to get some more clay but holy hell she was flying fast-

Hinata hit Deidara.

Then Deidara hit the ground.

* * *

"Decent fight." Hinata called across to him, trying not to show her dwindling chakra reserves. A summoning, more than a few chidori variants, and then the curse mark with the onyx chidori...she was basically about to collapse. _My clan for Naruto's body. Uh, not like that. Or, well, maybe like that I mean-_

"You bitch." Deidara snarled. He looked to his left. "That is the second time someone has cut my arm off this month!"

Hinata ignored him, turning to 'Tobi', who had been watching her the whole time. "This is over. Do I kill him or are you intervening or what?"

Tobi paused. "Rest in peace, Deidara-Senpai." He uttered, solemnly.

"Oh, fuck this." Deidara snarled, getting to his feet. "You haven't taken me seriously this whole fight. You're just like your cousin. He never appreciated my art. He just thought because he had his stupid eyes that let him see everything I did, he could make me a nonthreat. And you're no different."

"~Don't ever compare her to Neji~" Karin singsonged nervously, from the background.

Hinata found she wasn't as offended as she'd expected. "You're wrong." She told Deidara, calmly enough. "There's beauty in destruction just as there is in creation. I respect that."

Deidara's eyes widened as he smiled.

"But that had no impact on the match. You were weak, and I was strong, and you didn't have a strong enough motivation to overcome that imbalance. So you lost. GG."

And Deidara was scowling again. "Not strong enough motivation, huh? Oh, I'll show you my motivatio-"

Hinata did not want to know where he was going with that, so she threw a kunai at his face.

"Oh, the humanity!" Tobi staggered backwards, swooning.

Deidara, with a knife buried between his eyes, did not fall over and die. He started grinning. "Too late." His mouth said. Black lines spread across his skin, and his body seemed to disintegrate into them.

 _Nope. Nope nope nope-_

Hinata stretched for another chidori, launching it straight at his chest, but even though the lightning chakra crackled all over his body, the buildup of chakra in whatever the hell that black blob was was _not_ stopping.

"This is my ultimate technique." It said, looking like nothing except a small black cartoonish bomb with a face on it. "And I'm not a clay clone, this is the real deal. Everything for miles around is gonna go **boom**!"

"Quick, Hinata!" Karin called. "Summon an owl then reverse summon us all to the owl's home to avoid the blast!"

"Did I not just establish I was low on chakra?" Hinata gave her a weird look. "It would be a major plot hole if I could suddenly do that."

"Bet Sasuke could."

"No."

"Bet Sasuke could do it with _Manda_."

" _Relax_. I've got it." She turned back to the remnants of Deidara. "Guess you're right, whatever your name was. I _can't_ beat you without my bullshit eye powers. Shame."

" **What? Wait, no!** "

She held her palm out towards him. White spread across her eyes and across her cheeks. "Hiragekoma."

The world around her exploded into colour. She'd thought the Byakugan could see everything, but whatever this was was more than that. She saw; and she _understood_. What she'd thought was a glowing mass of lightning and earth release chakra, bound to detonate, was a complex network of threads, and she knew how it all worked. And, through one palm, she sent out one tiny flicker of chakra into the perfect spot.

Ripples spread.

Threads fell out of alignment.

Instead of a mighty explosion that would be heard in all five nations, there was a small 'pfft' of smoke, and a little whining noise.

Jugo, Karin and Tobi peeked out from behind trees.

"That is the second time this month I have whiffed that technique." Deidara's core muttered, darkly, before disintegrating into a pile of dust on the floor.

* * *

 **I know I said you'd be getting aftermaths but instead you get _this fight!_ Which I had a lot of fun with. More secrets are revealed, building upon that 'Hiashi has an eyepatch' thing I started building up back in part one. And RIP Deidara, your haircut will be missed. **


	58. Vines, Foreshadowing and Anal Sex

**Just a quick head's up; the first chapter of a new, Skyrim fanfiction I've written is up, updating every Thursday. Leave a follow if you're interested.**

* * *

 **Vines, Foreshadowing and Anal Sex**

* * *

Tsunade put down the papers and glared at the two teenagers in front of her. "...I'm not sure how to say this, exactly, but... _never_ use these techniques again."

" _What?_ " Naruto and Sasuke chorused, heartbroken.

"Do I genuinely have to spell out to you why you can't safely use them?" Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Uh, yeah!" Naruto replied. "My beautiful baby is finally complete and I can't use her?"

"Oh for..." Tsunade blew through her nose and picked the papers up again, putting on a lecturing tone. "The wind release shredding rasengan-" "Rasenshuriken." "-and the fire release fragmentation rasengan-" "Rasenkunai." "-I am _not_ calling them that." Tsunade cleared her throat. "The former, created by Naruto, applies wind release to the billions of plasma-like chakra particles in the rasengan to turn them into billions of tiny razor sharp blades. These things slice up your opponent on a _cellular_ level. They will cut individual nerves by the dozen and turn the target's body into so much mulch. It could cut through the lower stages of the Susanno and cause about as much pain as _using_ the Susanno."

Sasuke frowned. "How do you know about the-"

"Itachi." The Hokage dismissed. "Ah, and then there's _your_ technique. Sasuke, your technique melts into an opponent's body and superheats it, causing each individual layer of their insides to force its way through every layer above it until it goes _out_ side. You turn your target into a _bomb_."

"I'm not seeing the problem." Sasuke deadpanned.

"The problem," Tsunade's eye twitched, "besides the fact that these would both constitute _war crimes_ under Konoha law, is what they do the user. Sasuke, you lose control of the technique the moment you let go of it. If it had been anything other than a magically reinforced murder priest, it would have gone off immediately in your face. Naruto, you _also_ have to pummel your opponent with your technique. The entire time you're holding it, it is cutting into your _own arm_. Anyone other than you would have been crippled. It's possible you have permanent nerve damage from that single use!"

"...but I _am_ me. And I'm fine." Naruto hedged.

"Don't. Use. Them. If you weren't two of the village's most powerful assets, I would have both your asses on cleaning duty for the rest of your lives." Tsunade told them, flatly. "As it is...thank you, for eliminating those Akatsuki. I'll ensure you are both suitably paid for your efforts."

"I mean, I can't take all the credit." Naruto demurred. "Haku was a big help with-"

"Are you saying this doesn't count as you beating an Akatsuki?" Sasuke asked innocently.

"I did it all. By myself." Naruto hastily corrected. "Don't try me, Sass-gay, we've both got two takedowns."

"Are you _competing_ on Akatsuki kills?" Tsunade looked at them even more incredulously.

"Uh, yeah?" Naruto grinned. "I took out Deidara and Kakuzu, he took out Sasori and Hidan. Whoever gets the least when the Akatsuki are all beat has to cook for the other for a week, and hand-feed them the meals. Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where any more are-"

" _Get Out Of My Office!_ "

* * *

"Danzo Shimura is the leader of Root. And I hate him." Sai muttered the words to himself as he walked down the street. As always, there was the temporary discomfort as the programming tried to stop him saying them, and then the itch from Sasuke's counter-genjutsu suppressing it. The rebellion was worth the pain, however. The _freedom_ was worth the pain.

Ahead of him, his ears caught the words "And then he just tore into the dude's back with it. It was the most amazing thing I've ever...seen..."

Sai looked up and gulped.

Haku stood there, chatting amicably with Ino-Shika-Cho, but his eyes quickly locked onto Sai's. "Gimme a second guys." He told them, jogging over to stand in front of him.

They stood there for a moment. Haku raised an eyebrow.

Sai opened his mouth, closed it, and eventually just sort of held his arms out to either side in a 'here I am' gesture.

It was enough, apparently. Haku grinned, made a beckoning gesture back to Ino, then grabbed Sai's arm and yanked him off towards the Hokage monument.

* * *

"You're going away?" Naruto pouted, heartbroken. "Pervert-sensei, why?"

"Oh calm down, squirt, I'm only going to be a week or so." Jiraiya ruffled Naruto's hair. "You think you're the only one who gets to go out on fun field trips?"

"Yeah, but, you're _old_!"

"Hey!" Jiraiya grabbed for Naruto's head but he scampered away, laughing. "I could still kick your ass, you little git!"

"Not with the Kyuubi you couldn't~"

"And how's the Kyuubi cooperating at the moment?"

"...you win this round." Naruto declared, solemnly.

Tsunade chuckled in amusement. They were all stood by Konoha's gates, and now the Hokage was 'off duty' she had a bottle of Sake in her hands.

"Nah, I'm not worried." Naruto shook off his pout and grinned. "It's _you_. Go kick some Akatsuki butt."

"I'm _scouting_." Jiraiya corrected. "There will be no ass kicking."

"So you're saving them for me?"

"What? No, I'm telling Sasuke where they all are."

"You _traitor_ -"

"Enough." Tsunade held a hand out between them, then went to massage her temples. "Kami, is it the booze or am I actually seeing two of you? You turned him into a mini-you."

"Missed opportunity for you there." Jiraiya agreed. "We're lucky you took on Haku, he doesn't have half your temper."

"You haven't seen him talk about his boss. I'm gonna punch Mei's teeth in next time I see her..." Tsunade shook her head. "Hey, midget, get lost. I need to talk to pudgy here alone."

Naruto straightened. "Is that a mission, lady Hokage?"

"Absolutely. S rank, because if you don't get out of my face right now it's gonna get real dangerous."

" _Yes Ma'am_!" Naruto squeaked, and scarpered.

"You love that kid, don't you?" Jiraiya chuckled.

"He's alright." Tsunade admitted, smiling at Naruto's retreating back. "A bit obnoxious at first, but charming, once you get used to him. I told you, he's a lot like you."

Jiraiya blinked, trying to decipher the hidden meaning in the words. There was no way Tsunade had just paid him a genuine _compliment_.

"I know this isn't going to be as easy as you made out to him." She said, meeting Jiraiya's eyes. "Whoever this 'Pain' is, he's possibly the leader of the Akatsuki. Itachi doesn't have a clue what he's capable of, just told me we probably shouldn't piss him off."

"You think I'm scared of a guy calling himself 'Pain'?" Jiraiya laughed. "Don't worry. Worst case scenario I can annoy him to death with that nickname al-"

He froze, as Tsunade darted forwards and grabbed him in a hug. "Just...be careful, dumbass." She whispered, eyes closed.

"This isn't normal." He replied, dropping his persona for a moment and putting an arm round her. "What's got you so afraid?"

"I found a Ryo on the ground earlier today." She mumbled back.

"That's not that-"

" _Five times_."

"Oh. Okay, yeah, that's-"

"Lucky." She agreed.

There was a silence. "Don't die. Please." She finished. She didn't know what else to say.

"I won't. I promise." He replied, grinning down at her.

She smiled, and wiped the tears away.

"...So does this mean we're down-to-fuck when I get back or are you and Shizune still-"

"Get the fuck out of my village."

* * *

Hinata turned away from Deidara's remains and deadeyed Tobi.

"...Welp! Tobi's got to go know!" He smiled from behind the orange mask.

"I don't think you're going anywhere." Hinata tried to intimidate him despite being on the verge of collapse.

"Yeah but you see..." Tobi paused, tapping his mask, "...Y'all ugly!"

He crossed his arms once, twice, then poofed out of existence.

Karin and Jugo both stared at the spot he had once occupied.

"Was...was that a..." Karin gestured.

"Mangekyo Sharingan technique?" Hinata glowered. "Yes. Yes it was."

"I was going to say vine reference."

"Oh. Yes, it was one of those too."

Kudos flew down a few moments later, coming to rest next to the group, and Hinata gratefully sagged against his feathers.

"Woo! That was the coolest fight I've been in in ages! Thanks mistress!"

"Thank you too, Kudos. You did amazing." She smiled back at him and scratched the crown of his head.

"Naw, really you did all the work!" He replied, leaning into the contact. "Hey, do you need me to stay around for anything, or is it cool if I bounce?"

"Nothing else at the moment, thank you. Tell Athena and Forsooth I said hi."

"Oh, I wasn't planning to go see them." Kudos dismissed, nodding his head off into the distance. "There's an owl over there I wanted to go meet."

Hinata stiffened. "An...owl? As in a regular owl or-"

"No! A sage creature, off in that direction." Kudos pointed with one wing, but whatever he could see was far beyond the eyes of the three ninja. "Weird. I didn't think that there were any others chilling in the five nations. Wonder who summoned it."

Despite her exhaustion, Hinata stood up. " _Neji_." She whispered.

"Oh, crap. The N word." Karin and Jugo exchanged glances backed up a few steps.

"Hey, Kudos, I've got no problem with you going to make friends," Hinata cracked her knuckles, "but do you mind if we tag along?"

* * *

Itachi reached for his pouch, found it empty, and exhaled, deciding to take a break. The surrounding trees were peppered with kunai, shuriken, and a few loose pieces of cutlery.

He heard the footsteps approaching from behind him but didn't react, waiting until a pair of hands clasped over his eyes.

"Guess who?" Said a cheery voice.

Itachi gasped. "Could it be..."

"Yes?"

"The most beautiful person in the world?"

"Yees?"

"The love of my life?"

"Yeeees?"

"...Neji Hyuuga?"

The hands came off and slapped him around the back of his head, and he laughed, turning to look at his visitor. "Hey Izumi. How are you?"

His girlfriend crashed into his stomach, tilted her head up for a kiss, and then turned around, pushing her back into him and linking her arms around his neck. "Terrible, now. You've ruined my mood with talk of your secret lover."

"My sincerest apologies." He smiled down at her. "Could I ever possibly make it up to you?"

"Hmm...let's see." She leaned in to kiss him again.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, relishing the temporary peace and quiet. It was one of the cornerstones of their relationship, that. They could relax around one another. Such was all too rare in a ninja's life.

"I heard you're going out again." Izumi told him, eventually.

"Mmhmm. Taking out Kakashi's kids on another Akatsuki suppression mission."

"More information from your secret spying missions? Good for you." Izumi seemed hesitant, quite rightly.

"Relax." He told her. "I've set guards out. We can speak freely."

"Alright then. How is Neji doing?" She held Itachi a little tighter.

He sighed. "About as well as he could expect to. This is an arranged trip, we're meeting him."

"Oh? What does he want, to get a feel of Hinata's teammates?"

"No. He's picked a spot to fall on his sword."

"...oh." Izumi gave him a sad look. His face was set in stone. "So...this is it then? You've tried to convince him-"

"I've tried." Itachi growled. "Again, and again, and again...everything's there for him but he just won't _take_ it."

"Because there's nothing else for him to live for." Izumi nodded. "I saw that look on his face, just before he left. She's the only other thing that matters to him."

"There's more-"

"Oh I know, there's at least two other big-ass responsibilities he has to take care of. But he doesn't care."

"Oh no, he cares. He'd die for me. He'd die for her. It's just that he can't bring himself to _live_ for us." Itachi sighed. "It's not a suppression mission. It's a recovery mission. Hinata recovery mission two, electric boogaloo. By the time we get there Neji will already be-" he paused. Swallowed. Continued. "We'll pick up Hinata, bring her and Neji's body back to Konoha. Give her his eyes if she wants them. Evil vanquished, objective complete, team back together...happy ending."

"For them." Izumi finished the unspoken end to the sentence. "What about you?"

Itachi snorted. "What about me?"

Izumi rolled her eyes and stepped backwards. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful."

She wasn't impressed. "Is that what you _know_ or what you _see_?"

"I don't need to look. You're always beautiful to me."

Her silence told him that the charm offensive hadn't worked, and he sighed. "You are the most ravishing blurred outline I've ever laid eyes on."

"It's that bad?"

"Without the sharingan on, I operate mostly on sound and touch." He admitted. That's what his training with shurikenjutsu just now had been about. "With it I'm like a shortsighted civilian with bullet-time and precognition."

"So you...you don't even know what I look like?" He could hear the pain in her voice as she hugged him again.

"I told you. You're always beautiful to me. Plus I just substitute in what you look like naked, so-"

"Prick." She laughed. "But that's not all. How...How's your illness progressing?"

He grimaced. Pulling one hand off her waist and holding it out in front of her, he released the iron control he'd held over it the whole time. It began to shake almost immediately. "Tsunade's looked at it. Says she's never seen it before. Some pathogen my immune system didn't know how to defend against, the kind of thing you get if you travel to other nations unvaccinated. Pretty sure I know where I got it too, not that it'll help me recover."

"Oh, Itachi..." Izumi grabbed the shaking hand in both of hers, as though with enough empathy she could calm the spasms. "How...how long do you have?"

"Tsunade thinks I should be bedridden already. Weeks, at most."

She clutched him tighter.

"I know; I'm sorry. I was thinking maybe I'd take team seven to ground zero, bring back samples of-"

"Don't give me hope." She whispered. "Not if you're going to take it away again."

"I'm sorry."

They stood there a little bit longer.

"Does he ever want the truth to come out?" Izumi asked, softly.

"Never." Itachi said. "He'll be a demon if Hinata needs him to be. I've...decided I will too. Tell the truth about some of it, but not all. If Neji wants to be struck from history I damn well want to go with him."

"When will you admit it?"

"I'm worried Sasuke has an idea already. He's been avoiding me since his visit to Orochimaru's hideout. But...after.

It will all come out in the will."

Izumi choked back another sob.

They stood there together, in the trees.

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke sat perfectly calmly at the outskirts of Konoha.

"This isn't a silly thing to do." Naruto decided.

"Oh no. Intelligent thing. Wise, even." Sasuke agreed.

"It has to be tested."

"It does. For research purposes."

"Even though the techniques are illegal."

"Even though. Because we're mature and responsible ninja."

"And it's not because we want to see whose is best."

"No, not at all."

"I hadn't even thought about that."

"Me neither. In fact, from a co-operative standpoint, we _need_ to know how they react so we can use them together."

"Precisely."

"But we realise the dangers, which is why we aren't doing it ourselves."

"That's what the shadow clone technique is for."

"Exactly. This is very responsible of us."

"Are you two done making excuses?" Sasuke's shadow clone called up to the pair, from his position down below. It and Naruto's clone were stood in the clearing where the two had duelled with Haku a few weeks ago.

"Of course, worthy scientists." Naruto waved down at them aristocratically. "Please, proceed."

As one, the two clones marshalled their chakra. Sasuke's built up the Rasenkunai in its palm. Naruto's did the same with the Rasenshuriken.

"Sasuke, get this on your Sharingan for research purposes, I want a recording later." Naruto told his friend. "Alright, sacrif-scientists. Three! Two! One! Go!"

They charged, and in the centre of the clearing, the jutsu met.

Now, both teenagers has neglected to remember that fire and wind jutsu were like oil on water, and did not mix very well at all.

At the base level, the Rasenkunai struck the Rasenshuriken dead centre and imparted all the heat from its own chakra into the spinning blades. The fire release only intensified the kinetic energy of the wind release particles, forcing them to move more erratically and push against the shape being forced upon them.

Building pressure fought against the Naruto clone's chakra control.

And won.

Sasuke saw, and was quickly able to perform a reverse summoning with the Crows to pull himself and Naruto out of danger.

Just before an absolutely massive explosion tore the entire surrounding area to shreds.

* * *

 **Lets see how well that chapter title goes down with ff's algorithms...**

 **Events spiral towards their inevitable centre. What else can I say?**

 **Well, only that it would be a boring story if everything went according to plan.**


	59. Owl You Handle This, Then?

**Owl You Handle This, Then?**

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke both looked out over the crater in front of them.

"I think that went well." Sasuke remarked.

"Yeah; me too." Naruto agreed.

There was a rustling in the trees, and they both turned to see Itachi drop to the floor behind them. "You two are gonna wanna-What the _Hell_ was that?" He stopped to look aghast at the crater.

"We threw our new murder jutsu at each other." Naruto explained, easily. "They exploded."

"...Right." Itachi blinked a few times, shaking his head.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine; just, upping your collective threat level a little."

Naruto glanced across at Sasuke, who wasn't really paying attention. "So...what did you want?"

"Oh yeah. Orochimaru's dead."

"Orochima-" Naruto stopped. Grinned. "Hinata!"

* * *

In one of the great forests of the land of fire, not too far outside Konoha, in fact, an owl flew purposefully over the treetops.

Following that owl, not half a kilometre back, was a trio of ninja.

"We're gaining on her!" Kudos reported, flying alongside them.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Jugo asked. "We were headed to Konoha, weren't we?"

"We were." Hinata agreed. "But now Neji is _here_."

"Are you going to fight him in your state?" Karin asked, looking her over worriedly. "Look at you! Now isn't the best time to go for 'most Akatsuki killed in an hour'."

"He's _not_ getting away from me this time." Hinata shot back, stubbornly.

"For the love of..." there was a rustle of cloth. "Here."

Hinata turned to confirm what her Byakugan had just shown her. Karin held her bare arm out. "If you're doing this, you're not doing it running on empty."

"I can't-"

"It isn't weakness to rely on your teammates, Hinata." Karin told her, tone brooking no nonsense. "You're not forcing me. Bite the arm."

Hinata glared for a moment, but relented.

"I still think this is a bad idea." Jugo warned them both, as Hinata leant in. "It has trap written all over it."

"Mmblrghlhrmph." Hinata replied.

"What?"

She took her teeth out of Karin's arm. "I said there's only so much he can do. I have the Byakugan. The only thing he could surprise me with is senjutsu or sage creatures, and I have one of those."

"Yeah, but...he knows that." Jugo tried to explain.

"As do I." Hinata replied, simply.

"That's...I mean won't he make his plans with that in mind?"

"Perhaps, but I will t-"

"She's stopped!" Kudos called, stopping the debate in its tracks. "And, uh, there's-"

"I know. I see him." Hinata focused.

A few hundred metres in front of her, presumably having just been summoned in by the owl, stood Hyuuga Neji.

* * *

"Where is he?" Hinata demanded, landing on a tree branch.

"Where is who?" Neji replied, idly scratching the beak of an owl to his left.

"Don't fuck with me." She shot back. "You're a clone."

"Really? What gave it away?" Neji didn't turn to look at her.

"The lightning chakra in your body. You're rigged to explode."

"You noticed? I'm glad, I was keeping it subtle. You have made progress."

"Oh you're patronising me now? Cute."

Hinata crossed her arms as Kudos, Jugo and Karin landed behind her. "Are you planning on telling me where the real you is, or do you just intend to taunt me? Let me know if it's the latter, I'll need to decide whether to work my frustrations out on you or just leave."

"You certainly didn't learn that sass from Orochimaru." Neji mused. "Who taught that to you, I wonder?"

"A better person than you'll ever be." Hinata replied, quietly.

"Well, probably." Neji whistled, and his owl desummoned. "You want to know where I am."

"I do."

"Are you willing to work for it?"

"More tests?" Hinata raised an eyebrow. "With every reason for you to turn tail and pop the moment I'm finished?"

"I promise that I have every intention of giving you my location upon your completion of the following trial." He replied, simply.

 _Oh_.

"You're telling the truth." Hinata tilted her head.

Neji smiled. "I am. And you've just proven that your eyes have improved."

 _Shit._

Hinata allowed the white of the Gokei to spread across her eyes and face. "They have. And now you have nothing else to hold over me."

"Nothing except experience, skill, and power."

Hinata considered rolling her eyes, but realised it probably wouldn't be visible. "We can gloat at each other for eternity. Nothing matters until one of us kills the other."

Neji had the nerve to smile at her. "Your words are betrayed by your body, cousin. Your heart rate is high and your muscles are tensed. You're afraid of me."

"And you're apparently a total creep." Karin mumbled.

" _Looking with the Byakugan's not weird_." Hinata and Neji both replied immediately, in unison, before turning to look at each other awkwardly.

Jugo tried not to laugh.

Neji sighed. "You know what? Let's just skip to the test. Fight the owl."

"Fight the who?"

* * *

"So you're certain she's here?" Naruto asked.

He, Itachi and Sasuke were all sprinting through the great forests outside of Konoha.

"Nope." Itachi replied, simply. "I'm _certain_ that we're on the straight line between Konoha and the hideout Orochimaru last lived at. Are you certain she'd come straight here?"

"Yeah. Duh." Naruto replied, as though it was obvious. "She promised."

"Then odds are that she'll see us before we see h-"

They were all interrupted by a subsonic boom that shook all the trees around them.

The trio stopped, all looking forwards.

"Uh." Naruto squinted. "Am I seeing things or is that a-"

"Giant fuckoff owl? Yeah." Sasuke finished.

Off in the distance had appeared a massive navy-blue owl, looking a lot like what Naruto remembered of Kudos.

Itachi was similarly gobsmacked, muttering to himself. "Icarus? What the hell, he's not supposed to be here-"

"Why not?" Sasuke asked, tilting his head at his brother. "Things not going to plan?"

"What do you mean _plan_?" His brother defended, adequately. "I'm surprised because that's _Neji's_ summon. What's he doing here?"

"Twenty ryo says fighting our teammate?" Naruto pointed out. "So maybe, you know, we go bail her out?"

"Agreed." Itachi replied, eyes hard. "I think me and _my_ old teammate need to have a chat."

* * *

The first attack came almost before Hinata could react.

One moment there was nothing, the next there was a giant monster in front of her and it was swiping it's wing sideways and a maelstrom of sharp feathers were being launched at her and her party.

She remembered one of her first missions with team seven, when attempting her rotation had thrown all of them away from her. _Crap_.

"Eight trigrams, sixty four palms; protective!" She declared, moving into her custom kata that incorporated the vacuum palm into its movements.

Jugo and Karin both flinched, but all the approaching projectiles were blasted off course, with a plethora of loud booms.

The hail stopped, and Hinata sucked a breath in.

"Charmed." She remarked. "You'll be Icarus, I presume? I've been waiting a long time to meet you."

The large sage creature sat back and looked down at her. "Hyuuga Hinata." It replied. "The feeling is mutual." He looked a _lot_ like Athena, understandable given their sibling status. He too wore a bow slung over his back, though both his eyes were intact.

"I have been asked to test you." He said. "I trust you are prepared?"

"You didn't feel the need to ask that _last_ attack." Hinata pointed out, annoyed.

"Hmm. True." It spread its impressive wingspan and reached them backwards. "Buffeting wind."

 _Oh fuck-_

Hinata dropped into a sprinter's start and ran.

Icarus beat his wings and an enormous gale picked up, deafening everyone present, uprooting trees and stones and sending them hurtling through the air.

Hinata minimised her surface area, head barely a foot off the floor as her legs powered her forwards through the wind. She darted left past a boulder, slid under a tree trunk that would have decapitated her, and suddenly there were no other obstacles between her and Icarus who had _claws_ -

"Heavenly spin!" Hinata felt her feet dig further into the floor as her dome withstood Icarus stomping down towards her, then with a roar she jumped and shoved his talons away.

He staggered, for a moment, then recovered and looked down only to see a blur launch up and strike him under his beak. He beat his wings in a jump backwards, and looked up. His sharp eyes easily picked out Hinata against the sky.

Curse mark glowing, she flapped her own wings, holding herself aloft at Icarus' eye level. Then, with a battle cry, she tucked them and charged for him.

* * *

To Itachi's genuine surprise, Sasuke was the one to spot Neji's approach first.

"Incoming!" The younger Uchiha shouted, and then there was a blur of motion as a kick collided into Itachi's forearms and Sasuke was catching a bolt of lightning aimed a Naruto and Naruto was flexing his fingers and setting up a web of sealing chains in front of the trio.

Two Neji dropped to the ground before them.

"Oh no. Someone else that uses your bullshit technique." Sasuke whispered.

"You and Itachi _both_ use shadow clones!" Naruto hissed back.

"What's up shithead." Itachi called. "Fancy seeing you here."

"I was about to say the same thing." One of the Nejis spoke up. "I'm a little busy back there, if we could maybe do this another time?"

"Busy killing our teammate?" Sasuke confirmed.

"Well, yes, essentially."

"Ah. See we can't exactly let you get away with that."

"A shame." And the Nejis moved.

Itachi clashed with one of them, and they both vanished somewhere else into the forest, leaving the other to jump elegantly through the net of chains and charge for Naruto and Sasuke.

* * *

"What the fuck is this?" Itachi hissed, mid punch, when they were far enough away from the others. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but you're supposed to be dead!"

Neji blocked, and then slammed his fist through a nearby tree for appearances sake. "I was. Things have changed." He grimaced. "Which one of you idiots sicced Jiraiya on Pain?"

 _Oh, Fuck_. Itachi fired off a fireball jutsu. "He wasn't supposed to engage, he was scouting! Shit, is he still alive?"

"Pain _is_. And that's just about all you need to know."

"Dammit, Jiraiya." Itachi grimaced, redirecting a vacuum palm. "So how does that affect the plan?"

"It affects it because Pain is _pissed_. He's going to attack Konoha." Neji warned.

Itachi frowned, throwing a string of kunai. "What, just Pain? Attack all of Konoha?"

Neji made a heavenly spin and deflected all the projectiles. "He can do it. Or at the very least, my eyes say he's _certain_ he can do it. He's not even afraid."

"And we still don't know what he does?"

"Clueless."

"When's he coming?"

Neji grimaced. "I don't know."

 _Oh, FUCK_. Itachi stopped fighting entirely. "You don't-"

Neji shook his head. "Any time. He said he needed to wait for his chakra to recover and 'make preparations' but i don't know if that'll take hours, days, or he's already on his way."

Itachi sagged. "We...I've got to get back there. Warn them. Tell them you let something slip, I don't know-"

"Do it, if you think it will help." Neji shrugged. "But...I can't let Hinata get involved."

"That's why you're still alive." Itachi realised. "You're baiting her away from Konoha."

It was selfish. Selfish, and Hinata would hate Neji for it, but at this point that was par for the course.

"I feel obligated to ask that you stay away as well," The Hyuuga started-

"Don't even fucking try. I'm gonna die anyway, Neji. May as well do it trying to take this guy down. I can throw out a few more Amaterasu at him before going blind."

"Hmph." Neji smiled. "That's so like you." he put his hands together. "I'd say 'stay safe' but we both know you won't. So good luck." He vanished.

Itachi sighed, and ran back to his squad.

* * *

"Shadow clone jutsu!"

"Chidori!"

Hinata conjured a doppelgänger and charged it with lightning chakra. It practically _became_ the chidori, blitzing downwards towards Icarus trailing electricity.

The owl was undeterred, unslinging his bow and swinging the thing like a staff.

It had a diameter bigger than any tree Hinata had ever seen, and easily punted her clone out of existence.

Then Icarus flicked his wrist, bringing out another of those sharpened feathers and quick-firing it from the bow.

"Vacuum palm!"

Hinata, still flying, cast her counter, but the momentum in that feather was significantly higher than the ones he'd simply flung at her. She was blasted out of the sky, landing in a crash on the forest floor.

 _This could be going better._

"Hinata! Are you-"

"I'm fine." Hinata grabbed the offered hand, letting Jugo haul her to her feet. "He's just...so _big_."

"Bow-chika-bow-wow."

" _Can it_ , Karin." She looked over at Icarus. He was almost half a kilometre away from her, but for a summon of his size that was still easy bow range.

"And you're the cousin of my summoner?" He tutted, picking at his beak with one wing. "How unimpressive. I'll end this quickly."

He brought both wings to his bow. "This is a derivative of a technique once used by ninja Jesus' brother. Enjoy. Indra's arrow; miniature."

Icarus drew the bow.

There wasn't actually anything in it, at first, but as he pulled the thing taut a sparkling mass of glowing purple electricity formed and stretched. It was easily as long as the Hokage faces in Konoha were tall.

"That is the _miniature_?" Karin's mouth fell open. "What the hell does the full technique look like?"

"Not sure." Hinata squared her shoulders. "Let's kill him in case we have to find out."

"You're going to try and top _that_? How?" Karin pointed, emphatically.

Hinata responded by activating her Gokei.

"...Will that work?"

"I have no idea." With that, Hinata charged.

Five hundred metres wasn't much for her, either. Hinata had long surpassed fighting at the speed of sound, and she crossed the distance quickly, hoping to destabilise the technique before Icarus could fire it.

Icarus noticed this, and fired it.

With a sonic boom, the string of the bow snapped back into position, and the arrow blasted towards Hinata, who was flying straight at it.

She stared down the approaching death bullet, and stretched her palm out to it. _Hiragekoma_.

The world exploded into new colour, and Hinata realised straight away that there was no way to snuff this out like she had Deidara's bomb.

That hadn't actually detonated yet, but this already had enough energy to power Konoha for a year, and it had to go _somewhere_.

Hinata flicked her chakra and the entire technique disintegrated, its rigidly controlled structure falling apart into a mass of individual particulates of purple lightning.

They all collided perfectly so as not to hit Hinata, and she felt her feathers prickle uncomfortably as they all ionised her exterior, passing her by.

And then she was through, and a massive wave of electricity was washing across the forest behind her towards Karin and Jugo.

Meanwhile, Icarus wasn't quite so shocked as to lose his composure, and was swinging his bow at her with every intention to thwack her out of the sky.

She grimaced, and shut her eyes. Funny thing about bloodline techniques; since they were obtained naturally instead of carefully constructed, you basically had to come up with their names on the spot.

 _Uh, paralysis, medusa, crystal, freeze..._ Her eyes snapped open. "Kesshotoketsu!"

Icarus' bow stopped in place as great swathes of crystal sprung into existence around his wing, spreading across to envelop the right half of his body and then down to the floor, where it affixed itself to the earth and effectively stuck the summon in place.

With some heaving, Icarus was able to shatter the crystal, but by that point Hinata had already flown up and above his head.

Now there was the raging lightning wave to deal with.

She conjured up a shadow clone, and with her eyes it easily substituted with some debris nearby Karin and Juugo. It faced the energy unflinchingly.

"Heavenly spin; Lionfists!" It declared, arms blazing blue with fire forming a giant sphere. Disorganised and shattered as it was, the remnants of the Indra's Arrow was easy pickings to have it's chakra absorbed by the flames.

In the centre, the shadow clone screamed in pain; there was just _so much chakra_ , and it immediately formed a scalpel from lightning and pierced its own heart, popping.

Now, where does all that chakra go?

Hinata, falling straight towards the recovering Icarus, had already formed a chidori, and as the energy poured into her, she in turn channeled all of it into the technique, causing it to blaze into a giant cracking bolt larger than her, trailing electricity like a comet behind it as she blitzed down and struck Icarus right in the forehead.

There was a flash that made the sky look black and the sun look dim.

And then Icarus was gone, and Hinata fell, right arm blistered and smoking, to crash down onto the floor.

* * *

Naruto was...winning. He had no idea what to do about it.

Neji's shadow clone was _damn_ good, easily as proficient at taijutsu as Hinata had been, and she'd been using the first gate. But he and Sasuke had been panic-training how to double team someone like him, and that was paying off.

Fifteen clones dogpiled Neji, he countered with some variant of the Heavenly Spin that popped all of them, then other clones wrapped the sphere up in chakra chains, and then suddenly Neji was out of the dome but being stopped by Sasuke's sword, and then the real Naruto was swinging his wrecking Rasengan at Neji's back, to which the Akatsuki member pulled off some throw that put Sasuke in the way of the spinning ball only for Sasuke to vanish and be substituted for another Naruto clone, this one rigged with an explosive tag that went off immediately and should have killed Neji if he hadn't immediately substituted with a tree across the clearing, which Sasuke then lit aflame with a fire jutsu.

All within one second.

Naruto could hardly believe he was _following_ what was going on, never mind participating, given the last time he'd encountered Neji Hyuuga he'd been speedblitzed immediately.

 _Looks like that training trip with Jiraiya was useful after all. Huh._

"You two have certainly come a long way since I last met you." Neji seemed to agree, continuing to survive their attacks unflappably. "But I'm afraid that you're still not enough for me to let you near your cousin."

"Oh you do _not_ have the right to tell _anyone_ what they can do with your cousin!" Naruto snapped back, still attacking. "Actually, I got a _lot_ to say to you. Do you have any idea what you did?"

"I created an avenger?" Neji shrugged.

" _You fucked up a perfectly good Hinata_ is what you did! Look at it! It's got anxiety!"

"It's been hard enough dealing with _my_ family drama and _his_ abandonment issues!" Sasuke joined in. "Whatever brand of crazy _she_ has is just icing on the fucked-up-team cake!"

"Well. That is a _lot_ of pent up aggression." Neji slid to a stop and looked at them both. "You two genuinely care about her, don't you? Even after all the times she betrayed you? Do you truly think she wants to return to Konoha?"

"She's our teammate." Naruto replied. "But I guess you don't know what that means."

Neji looked to the floor. "I do. More than you realise."

"Noting that suspicious line down for future reference..." Sasuke levelled his sword. "Then you know we're going to go get her, even if we have to tear through you, and the rest of your merry band of sociopaths to do it."

Neji paused, then nodded. "Yes, actually. I do." He made a hand sign, and popped out of existence.

Wind blew through the clearing.

"Huh." Sasuke remarked. "I can't say I expected that to actually work."

* * *

"...nata! Hinata! Come on, you in there?"

Groaning, Hinata shook her head as Karin and Juugo pulled her to her feet. Beyond the pain, there was something _wrong_ she couldn't quite place.

"Feeling a little dull?" Neji's lightning clone replied, leant casually against one of the few trees still standing. "Like your sense of touch or smell is limited? Lost feeling in your fingers or toes?

 _Ah. That's it_. Hinata glared at him, but didn't answer.

"It's the consequence of using the Gokei." Neji continued, and Hinata knew he was telling the truth. "You'll notice much of it revolves around what I call Ivory. The more you use the Gokei's powers, the more the Ivory spreads into you. Mine hasn't quite reached my heart yet, but I'm relatively certain that when it does, it's game over. Consider that a precautionary warning."

"Where. _Are_ you." Hinata gasped out, filing the information away but in no mood for more games.

She looked to either side, taking in her two friends, both relatively unharmed but shaken. _I nearly got them killed_.

"Yes, fair enough; I did promise you a reward." Neji replied, standing up properly.

As he did so, Hinata worked her smarting chakra reserves to channel some power into her byakugan, trying to get it back up after that last chidori had almost emptied her. What she saw almost made her gasp.

Naruto and Sasuke were _right there_. Only two or three kilometres away, and moving fast towards her through the forest. They'd...they'd come for her...

She was interrupted as a genjutsu poked at her mental defences, not trying to disguise itself. She allowed it and received a flood of information; the location of a small fortress, elsewhere in the forest.

"This is where I am." He told her, which was a lie, "Or rather, this is where I will be-" that was better, "-in one week's time. I want exactly what you want, Hinata, one final fight. Come alone in seven days, and you can-"

"No."

"...Hm?" Neji tilted his head at her.

Hinata looked up at him, and smiled. "No. No, I don't think I will."

He frowned, and she knew he knew she was telling the truth. "You'd rather do a different time? I could reschedule, if you'd like-"

"Listen, cousin." She told him, simply. With a pat on Karin's shoulder, she stood and bore her own weight. Suddenly, it felt like she'd gotten a lot lighter. "I'm _tired_. You have been stringing me along my entire life. 'Do this, do that, get stronger, and maybe oh maybe I'll let you get your revenge'. I've had enough of it. I'm not playing your games anymore."

"This is a one time offer, Hinata." Neji warned her. "I don't plan on giving you this chance again."

"I don't care!" She laughed, pointing a finger behind herself. "My teammates are coming right now. My teammates, who _still believe in me_ , despite all the excuses I've made and all the times I've hurt them. I'm going to go back to them, and I'm going home. And maybe, after that, we'll team up and come and find you, and then we'll beat you. But we'll do it _together_. And no amount of vengeance or justice is going to change my mind."

Neji stared at her, for a long time. After a few seconds, he started smiling, and Hinata would have sworn it was genuine.

"Wow." He told her eventually. "That...you have no reason to value this statement, but I am immensely proud of you."

"Thank you."

"Which is why I feel really bad about having to undermine the whole thing."

"Come again?"

"I stole your bird."

"You st-" Hinata scanned her Byakugan and gasped. " _KUDOS_!"

"That fortress. Seven days."

"YOU BASTARD!"

"No going back to Konoha, no talking to your friends, you come alone and we fight." His words slammed into her like punches. "Do that, and I'll release him alive and healthy at the start. Fail to comply and I'll kill him."

"You bastard..." Hinata shook, he was telling the _truth_ "you evil, manipulative _bastard_."

"Yep." He smiled. "Toodles!"

With a pop, and a brief flash of lightning, the clone vanished.

Hinata staggered on the spot, choking back a sob.

"What do we do?" Karin asked her. "Hinata, what-"

"Go." Hinata pushed her away, and instantly regretted it. "Go, back to Leaf, show everything that just happened to Naruto and Sasuke-"

"Hinata-"

" _Go_!" Hinata screamed it. "Just...Stay safe. I'll be back in a week, I swear, just one more week, no more delays _please_ believe me-"

"We believe you." Juugo put his hands on her shoulders, looking her in the eyes. "Go. If you're not gone when they get here he might say the agreement's void. You go recover, and then you kill that bastard, you understand?"

Slowly, Hinata nodded, regaining some control of herself. "I will. Thank you. Tell...tell Naruto and Sasuke-"

"Whatever it is? They probably already know it. Get gone." Karin told her, smiling.

Hinata nodded again. Then she turned, and once again ran. Ran away from her team, and towards Neji.

Again, it made her sick.

* * *

"We're getting close!" Naruto shouted, running past the first of an increasing number of destroyed trees.

"Make some clones to take point!" Sasuke called back. "That big owl's dead but the real Neji might still-"

"Stop!"

They stopped.

Itachi appeared behind them, exhausted. "Change of plans. We're going back to Konoha. Right now."

"What?" Naruto looked at him like he'd grown a second head. "But Hinata's-"

" _Leave_ her. We need to go _now_." Itachi was visibly shaken.

Sasuke turned to face his older brother, and was glaring at him outright. "You go off and chat with your old teammate, and suddenly you're leading us away from him? What the hell's going on, _brother_?"

" _I Am Your Superior!_ " Itachi snapped, and there was genuine killing intent radiating off him. "And when a superior gives you an order in the field; _you follow it_. We're leaving now. Am I understood?"

For a second, Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, genuinely weighing up open rebellion, when a sound from deeper in the woods caused all three to drop into a combat stance. Appearing out of the trees was a girl with long red hair, and a boy with short orange, arms raised in surrender.

"Okay, first of all." The redhead grimaced. "Hinata is _really sorry_."

* * *

 **Rule one of writing: if your characters aren't suffering, you aren't doing it properly. That's actually bad advice, don't follow that, but it applies here.**

 **The name of Hinata's new power is some mashup of google translated Japanese, just like the other one, and I hope you like it. It took an obnoxiously long time for me to come up with the damn thing...**

 **Next chapter: One week will pass. And then...**


	60. Seven Days

**Seven Days**

* * *

So let's get one thing straight;

Senjutsu is _not_ the same thing as sage mode.

Sage chakra is a special type of chakra that surrounds and penetrates all living things. The sage creatures that many ninja form summoning contracts with are made out of the stuff. Normal ninja will never be able to actually interact with sage chakra, though, because just detecting it requires you to develop a whole other sense, like teaching a blind person to see. The only known way to access sage chakra is to train with groups of sage creatures, who, if they trust you enough to reverse summon you back to their realm, can teach you through various methods how to become attuned to it.

Once trained, sages must absorb sage chakra from the environment, which takes a period of long minutes to short seconds of complete inactivity, time depending on the skill of the sage. ( _Minato here, this is why I rarely ever use this thing; my strategy usually involves killing everyone so quick I don't have time to charge it. Using shadow clones is a great way to do so without leaving yourself vulnerable, though._ )

Now, Senjutsu is the blanket term for any sage techniques. Sage chakra can be used to buff existing technique and give them special effects, or on entirely new techniques such as the toad sage's 'frog kata' which gives them a bonus forcefield and an increased reach. Senjutsu by definition is really hard for normal ninja to deal with, because a) it's completely undetectable to them, b) if they absorb it they'll likely turn into an animal or statue, c) it can be used to counteract traditional elemental advantages, and because it provides a _fuckton_ of other bonuses. Ninja who can use Senjutsu can't necessarily use Sage mode, however, as that ability is very exhaustive and requires exceptional physical condition. ( _Jiraiya here, a bootleg version of this power can be used by those of less sound body by summoning in your Sage creature friends and having them gather sage chakra for you while you fight. Downside is it's sloppier, harder to use the chakra for anything except physical enhancement, and you look hella ugly while doing it._ )

'Sage mode' is the name of a power which involves using sage chakra to directly bolster your own body. It drastically increases strength, speed, durability and regeneration, but more importantly it gives you a perfect sense of everything around you. Blind, deaf, noseless and numb, you'll still know exactly where everything is (including chakra) and be able to react accordingly. That improved sense also turns inward, allowing you a better understanding of your own body so as to take better advantage of the previously described increased physical prowess. Plus you're effectively immune to any genjutsu that isn't unblockable.

The only downside is that this burns sage chakra at a ridiculous rate, but trust me, this will be the most amazing half a minute you've ever experienced. Which, incidentally, was what I told my wife the other night. Hehehe...

Tl;dr: it's super hard to get but it makes you way better at literally everything.

- _Excerpt from On Senjutsu by Hashirama Senju, scribbles by assorted._

* * *

The area around Hidden Rain was admittedly kinda fucked up. To cut a long story short, some forestland had been very quickly renovated into a new extension to the lake.

Crashing down onto the surface of that lake was Jiraiya of the Sannin, or at least, about 90% of him. The other 10%, his right arm, plopped into the water a few metres to his left and sunk quite quickly into the depths.

The rapidly waning power of his Sage mode (now that Ma and Pa had been blasted back into mount Myoboku) was enough to heal over the wound, but not enough to grow him a new arm. _Well, at least I can tell Tsunade I lost weight! Hehehe..._

 _...fuck._

Groaning, he forced himself to his feet, turning to look at his opponent.

A young man with orange hair and purple eyes slowly flew downwards to touch onto the water's surface, looking across at him.

"Again, you come to Rain country claiming to be peaceful." Pain said, calmly. "Again, you bring only chaos."

"So I'm right, then." Jiraiya replied. "You are Nagato. Neither of the others were ever that pretentiously philosophical...which means that Yahiko is dead, then."

Pain nodded, sadly. "He was killed, by Hanzo the Salamander. I use his body as the Deva path of Pain to honour his legacy."

" _Sounds creepy, but go off I guess_." Jiraiya muttered, under his breath. "I'm sorry about that. Our team couldn't kill him back when we were last in Rain."

"You were too weak to enforce your will upon the world." Pain replied, solemnly. "I was not."

"But you _weren't_ strong enough to save your friend?" Jiraiya asked.

"No." Pain lowered his head. "I was not. I assure you I will not make that mistake again."

 _Oh, great. He's gonna kill me. Well, nothing to hold back for now._

"I only have one other question." Asked the Sannin, looking through the corpse's eyes to where he knew Nagato was watching.

"...which path of Pain do you use to fuck Konan with?"

Pain blinked. "What."

"Like, don't get me wrong, any way is necrophilia, and even _I_ don't write about that, but if you use Yahiko's body that's like _double_ weird."

"I don't-"

"Oh, and another thing. _Pain_? Really? That's what you go with?"

"What's wr-"

"I mean, the edge!" Jiraiya winced. "I think I just cut myself on it, actually. You may as well call yourself 'Sad' or 'Death' or 'Ouchie-"

An invisible force grabbed Jiraiya about the body and yanked him forwards, allowing Pain to grab him by the throat. The body's eyes blazed with rage. "You have no _idea_ of the _suffering_ I have-"

"Oh, monologuing! Yes!" Jiraiya choke-laughed. "Let me guess, you also enjoy staring dramatically into the middle distance and pondering the meaning of life-"

Pain choke slammed Jiraiya onto the water's surface. His face broke under, and Pain held him there, head submerged, until bubbles started to rise.

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke bore the information about Hinata stoically. Juugo and Karin were understandably very nervous about their status as potential criminals, but Tsunade set them up with pardons and temporary housing almost without thinking about it. She had much more important things on her mind, if Itachi's report was to be believed.

"So, what do we do?" Naruto asked, turning to his teammate as they all filed out.

"We wait for her." Sasuke replied, shrugging. It was difficult to see whether he was bitter or just distracted. "It's what we've always done, isn't it?"

"Naruto, stay behind." Tsunade ordered, before he was out of her office. "I have something I...want you to help me check."

"Huh? Sure what is it?" Despite hearing more unfortunate news about his teammate, Naruto still seemed positively chipper. Tsunade hated having to do this, but, well.

"Can you summon one of the toads for me? One of their elders, if possible."

"Uh, sure." Naruto nodded, biting his thumb. "What for?"

"There's-" Tsunade gulped. "There's something I want them to confirm. I've received some intel on Jiraiya."

Naruto' expression _brightened_ as he moved to bite his finger. "Aw, awesome! Is he around? Is he good? Did he kick ass?"

 _Oh, Kami._

"Not _from_ Jiraiya, Naruto." Tsunade lowered her head. "Intel _about_ him. About his...condition."

"What do you mean? Wait, granny, are you _crying_?"

* * *

 **One hour later.**

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Iruka called, from his knees. He was a bit busy trying to unstick the latest trap from under his desk left by one of the students. _This last one was pretty clever, but he's no Naruto._ "I'm afraid class is over, but I'm happy to answer any questions you might have. Unless this is a fellow member of staff, in which case-"

"Hey, Iruka-sensei." Came a familiar voice.

Iruka banged his head on the desk he got up so fast- "Naruto?"

Once he took in the appearance of his visitor, he became even more surprised. Naruto looked exhausted, physically and emotionally. His hair was a mess, his posture was far south of it's usual boundless energy, his eyes...his eyes were red and puffy, as were his cheeks. Iruka knew the signs of crying when he saw them.

"What happened?" He asked his ex-student, quietly.

Naruto tried to smile. Failed. "Do you...do you think maybe we could go get ramen? I'll pay, I just...I've got a lot I need to talk to someone about."

" _I'll_ pay." Iruka replied, already packing his things. "And absolutely. Let's go."

* * *

Hey, Dad?" Sasuke asked, once he was certain they were alone in the Uchiha dojo. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Hm?" Fugaku looked over at him from a training dummy he was breaking into pieces. "Sure, what is it? Is it girls? Finally?"

"No." Sasuke replied, flatly, and he saw his father's eyes narrow. The man knew it was unlike him to entirely ignore banter. "This is a village issue. An _Uchiha_ issue."

"Oh." Fugaku fell out of stance and walked over, focused. "Alright. What is it, son?"

Sasuke blew a breath out. Four years ago, he had made the tremendous leap required to admit he didn't need his father's praise, to allow himself to think his dad could do something wrong. What he was about to do was even harder.

"I...I'm worried Itachi might be a traitor. And I don't know what to do about it."

Fugaku looked at him for a long moment, but worryingly, didn't immediately call him crazy. "I see. What evidence do you have?"

"Nothing concrete." Sasuke admitted, backing up against a wall to lean against it with his arms crossed. "Bits and pieces; some of his actions just don't add up. I found a crazy complicated genjutsu on two of our ANBU, a _Sharingan_ genjutsu, and Itachi's the only one I know who could make anything like it. But that's inconclusive, and..." he sighed. "It's Neji. It all comes back to Neji. Look if Naruto betrayed my village and went on a killing spree, I don't know what I would do. I'd be heartbroken, devastated, I wouldn't believe it for months and then I'd probably be out for his blood. But Itachi...he barely even acts like he _dislikes_ Neji. And then there's the fact that every time they meet they always manage to have their little scuffles and never actually cause each other harm? The way he keeps managing to get all this information on the Akatsuki, yet he's never able to tell anyone where they are, or try and attack them? He must have a source on the inside. And just today, he seemed so surprised when Neji was there, and moments after they fought he's suddenly telling us we need to leave, get out of the fight? Why? I know this is all just conjecture, but..." he trailed off, unsure.

Then Fugaku spoke up. "Soon after the events of your chunin exams, the Akatsuki members Kisame and Neji infiltrated Konoha. This shouldn't have been possible. Konoha has fuuninjutsu wards up around it that alert us to any intruders. We know Neji can dismantle seals, but that isn't what happened; they were both detected entering, but detected as allies, not enemies. The only ones who could have keyed those two into the wards was a captain of our ANBU, or someone ranked even higher. And our Hokage was dead at the time."

Sasuke raised his eyebrows in surprise as his father continued. "Longer ago, at the night of the Hyuuga massacre. Itachi was acting rebellious around that time as well. I wonder, has he told you...Itachi has this 'power'-"

"The Mangekyo?" Sasuke offered.

His father looked surprised, but nodded. Sasuke let his eyes swirl out into their newer pattern, and that made Fugaku recoil in shock.

"Shit happened with Hinata." Sasuke explained, succinctly. "The rules aren't as cut and dry as the Uchiha thought. Itachi's been teaching me about it. He said that Shisui commit suicide and he just felt responsible, that's why it awakened."

"Well, even if that's _possible_ , the question becomes whether to believe him." Fugaku pointed out. "And then, days later, the Hyuuga were slaughtered. Neji may have been a prodigy, but I'm not sure he could have killed his entire clan. Hinata's father was powerful, and many of the Hyuuga branch family were ANBU-level. I know Itachi couldn't have bested _me_ at that age...not without the Mangekyo."

"You think Itachi helped with the Hyuuga massacre?" Sasuke gaped.

"I've had suspicions for years." Fugaku replied, pacing. "But suspicions only, and never proof. And he was always close friends with the Hokage, practically untouchable. But now events seem to be spiralling quicker and quicker towards something incredibly bad for our clan. And, with your eyes..." Fugaku paused and looked at him. "We may have the ability to actually _enforce_ our justice."

The unspoken point, that Sasuke would have to fight his brother, hung heavy in the air.

Sasuke gulped and continued. "So what do we need? What can we do that proves or disproves whether or not he's betraying us?"

"I don't know." Fugaku replied, simply. "It's been weeks since I've seen him, months since I've spoken to him, years since we've discussed anything meaningful. You, though, Sasuke. You've been working with him for almost half a decade. Do you have any idea where we could start?"

Sasuke paused. Thought. "I...I have _one_ idea."

* * *

"The situation is disturbing, but not hopeless." Said the toad elder, pacing. He was only about a foot tall, and sounded like a toddler addicted to cigarettes. "Jiraiya was able to discern how Pain fought, and transfer that knowledge onto us before we were last eliminated. With this knowledge, we may be able to construct a strategy with which to defeat Pain, and from there-Are you even listening to me boy?"

Naruto didn't look up.

Mount Myoboku was quiet at the best of times, but here at the peak, the boy and the toad were the only two individuals within kilometres. Birds chirped softly in the distance.

Pa huffed. "I _said_ , are you-"

"He's dead."

Naruto's blunt response pulled the toad up short. Sat on the floor, he stopped picking at the pebbles to look up with empty eyes. "Jiraiya's dead, and you don't care?"

Pa coughed, though 'warbled' may have been a more accurate word. "I _do_ care. Jiraiya was one of the best summoners we've ever contracted, and I'd like to think he was a friend. But moping isn't going to help us avenge him!"

"Humph." Naruto looked back down at the dirt. "Got it. You say 'that's so sad' and then you move on. Well this is my first time with something like this, so sorry if I'm not so good at handling it."

"I-"

"Keep. Talking. I'm listening." Naruto began drawing in the dirt.

"Hm. Very well." Pa resumed pacing. "Jiraiya made it very clear that you were to be his successor, and you've had good experience with us in the past, though many of our members have been annoyed at your...questionable nicknames." He glanced across to see if Naruto had smiled at that. He hadn't.

"Considering this, we've agreed to bring you here, to mount Myoboku. Here is where, if you are willing, you will learn Sage mode, one of the most powerful techniques any ninja can learn. With that, and the proper plan, we believe you may be able to defeat Pain."

"Alright then." Naruto replied. His tone was still completely flat, devoid of any emotion. Looking down, he found he had drawn Konoha's leaf insignia in the floor. "Where do we start? Tsunade thinks we might not have much time at all before Pain attacks us again."

Pa scoffed. "Hmph. I hardly think you will be able to achieve this in a matter of weeks. Sage mode takes years to learn, even for experienced ninja; Jiraiya was only capable of an imperfect version of the form after decades of practice, though his was perhaps due to a poorer physical condition on his part. Poor relative to Hashirama Senju or Namikaze Minato, that is."

"Oh no, a technique that took Jiraiya and the fourth years to learn while I only have days. However will I cope." Naruto replied, checking that he could still summon the rasengan and giving the toad a pointed look, before standing up and putting his hands together. "Multi shadow-"

"Oh no, it won't be that simple." Pa shook a finger. "There's only so many shadow clones you can form at once while activating Sage mode."

"Why."

"Well it's all about accumulating senjutsu, or sage, chakra." Pa explained. "You absorb it from the surrounding area and then use it in combat. But there's only so much of it in any given area, even in places as senjutsu-dense as this. If you know what you're doing, fifty shadow clones absorbing it isn't going to drain a place faster than one or two. And there's the fact that if you start splitting sage chakra among your shadow clones there's less for you to use yourself."

"Sounds exploitable, but alright for now." Naruto frowned. "Surely having three hundred shadow clones would be useful for _detecting_ the chakra though, right?"

"Well, sure, but that's only stage one."

"Eh, whatever." Naruto made the seals, and the duplicated popped up around him, but he gestured dismissively to them. "All this? It's not the reason I learn stuff so fast."

"Then how?" Pa asked, curiously.

"Simple." Naruto shook out his shoulders. "I just refuse to accept a version of the world where I haven't succeeded, and I work like hell until the world gives in."

* * *

Izumi Uchiha was walking along a woodland pathway when a call of "Hey, beautiful." Stopped her.

She turned around, and smiled. "Hello to you. You're looking better than when I last saw you."

He was, actually. Some of the tiredness seemed to be gone from Itachi's eyes as he walked over to her, and gave her a quick kiss. "Thanks. Your new outfit's pretty nice as well, I like the buckles."

She tilted her head. "You told me last time you couldn't _see_ that detailed."

After a moment, he tilted his head right back to match her. "Now Izumi. What kind of ninja would I be if I gave away all my secrets?"

She laughed, and reached forwards to wrap him in a hug. She went for a deeper kiss, but he stopped her, looking away awkwardly.

"What's wrong?" She asked, worried.

"This last mission." Itachi told her, sighing. "It...didn't go as we planned."

Izumi wasn't sure what to do with her face; this sounded like good news, but the way Itachi delivered the statement made it sound like he was still in 'cover' mode.

"Not as planned how? We weren't able to recover Hinata?"

"No." He sighed. "Neji was there."

 _Well of course Neji was there, dumbass, is he still walking?_

Some of her irritation must have shown on her face. He smiled and told her, "Relax. I've put shadow clone guards up around us, nobody's going to hear what we're saying."

"Is he alive?" She asked, immediately.

"Is who?"

"Is _Neji_ , dammit Itachi, now's not the time to be funny!"

"Yes, he's alive." He reassured her, and she let out a breath.

"Thank Kami. Does that mean he's given up on his stupid plan with Hinata? Or did something go wrong?"

"You don't know?" Itachi asked her, staring.

"Of course I don't know." She frowned. "You're acting...weird today, 'Tach. What's going on?"

Itachi paused for a moment, then shrugged. "Eh, well, I suppose that's enough."

And then he vanished.

Standing a few feet behind him, looking her dead in the eyes, was Sasuke.

 _Oh fuck._

 _Genjutsu._

She drew a kunai and activated her Sharingan, just in time for almost a dozen other Uchiha to drop down around her, fully armed and in uniform.

Another moment, Fugaku dropped in behind Sasuke's shoulder.

"No." Izumi whispered.

"She's in on it." Sasuke said, not breaking eye contact with her. "We were right. Itachi was conspiring with Neji."

"No. Sasuke no!" Izumi stepped forwards, but a few sets of razor wire wrapped around her arms and legs, immobilising her. "It's not what you think, he wasn't-"

" _You visited his bedside_." Sasuke snarled, face snapping from controlled to enraged in a fraction of a second. "Remember? Back when I first learned you and him were a 'thing'?" He stalked over to her, putting his face within inches of hers. "I was there to support my brother. You were there consorting with a _terrorist_." Her mouth hung open. Sasuke turned away. "I want this bitch in a cell. _Fast_. Somewhere nobody will notice, and you idiots better be quick about it because we've got a small enough window to catch Itachi unawares without you tipping him off early."

"No, don't fight him!" Izumi begged, tears on her face. "Please, Sasuke, you're the one person he won't be able to fight."

"I know." Said the youngest Uchiha scion, not looking back at her. "I'm counting on it."

* * *

Neji sat on a throne in the centre of the fort. It was an old hideout for some clan or another, long abandoned, but over the last fortnight or so he'd done some spring cleaning, getting rid of all the clutter. Turning it into a perfect arena.

"Not gonna lie, you look pretty dope sat on that." Itachi's shadow clone said, walking up to him.

"Right?" Neji agreed, trying a variety of poses. "I'm trying to go for 'intimidating, but not trying to be intimidating'. Like, I'm perfectly relaxed, but I'm exuding menace."

Itachi sat himself on the floor, looking up at his friend. "And then, what, sit in that exact pose and wait for Hinata to arrive?"

"Well, she'll only be a few hours now." Neji shrugged. "And you don't have to worry about getting a sore arse when you've lost feeling in most of your body."

"Important to look at the upsides."

"Exactly. Oh, wait, I've got something for you." Neji reached into a pocket and pulled out a storage scroll, which poofed into a book he then chucked at Itachi. "I finally got round to writing out my dossier on your condition."

Itachi raised his eyebrows, catching the book and flipping it open. "Wait, seriously? That was the longest long shot on my long-shot-list."

"I have the best eyes for dissection in the world, and you doubted me?" Neji chuckled. "Read through that, burn it, pop and send the info to Tsunade. She might be able to fix you up."

"You...are literally a lifesaver."

"No problemo."

"No, seriously man. Thank you."

Neji just smiled.

Itachi sighed and flopped onto his back. "I am contractually obligated to ask you, one last time, to live."

"No."

" _Talk_ to her. You two can have perfectly honest discourse, people could resolve wars with this power-"

"-and what happens when she finds out? That everything she knows is wrong? She'll have a full on panic attack."

"That's not what this is about, and you know it. You've already given me permission to tell her the truth if I have to."

"I...I'm a _kinkiller_ , Itachi." Neji told him, meeting his eyes. "It's been a decade, and I _still_ see their faces when I try to sleep. The only reason I've been able to keep going is to prepare for this moment. I can't live like this anymore, Itachi. I'm sorry. Not for her, not even for you."

The fort was quiet for a few more minutes.

"Do you think we did good?" Neji asked, eventually.

"I think we always tried." Itachi replied, honestly. "And mostly, yeah."

"Think anyone's done better?"

"Probably. But I bet nobody's been perfect." Itachi sat up. "If I survive all this, I guess I'll tell you later how it went."

"Hn." Neji looked up. "She's on her way. Sure you want to stay and watch?"

"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't." He stood up, and looked across at his best friend. "Neji...I love you, man."

"Gay." Neji snorted, trying not to cry. "I love you to."

Itachi paused, then darted in and wrapped his best friend in a hug.

They stayed there for a few seconds, then Itachi walked off to disguise himself as a pebble or some such, and sit in the corner of the room. Neji got comfortable in his chair, and waited for the last battle of his life.


	61. Family Matters 1

**Family Matters #1**

* * *

The owls were not shutting up. That was the third thing Hinata noticed upon entering the hideout. The first was Neji, obviously, and that took up about 99% of her attention, and the only other facts that made it to being noticed were that a) there was a brick in one wall that was definitely another ninja in disguise, and b) the owls would not shut up. There must have been over a hundred of them sat in the rafters, sage creatures all, some of which she even recognised or had summoned herself.

They chatted constantly, some in hushed whispers, some in loud, unapologetically heated debates, as Hinata made her way into the central chamber. There, perfectly relaxed but exuding menace, was Neji Hyuuga.

"Cousin." He addressed her.

"Cuntface." She replied.

"Rude."

"I am very much beyond rude at this point. You've had me stewing in my own rage for a week straight while you hold my friend captive." Hinata's glare could have etched glass. "You'd better give him back right now, or I swear to Kami-"

"Relax." Neji emphasised. He snapped his fingers. A door behind her on her left opened. Making sure to keep her Byakugan trained on him, Hinata turned and gasped. "Kudos!"

"M-Mistress?" Sat there in a small room, scribbled with seals presumably to stop him desummoning, Kudos looked like absolute shit. His posture was hunched, his feathers were ruffled, and one eye was swollen, held forcefully shut. "Mistress, is that you?"

"It's me, Kudos. I'm here." Hinata dropped to her knees next to him and enveloped him in a hug, heedless of the obvious target she presented to Neji. "By the Sage, Kudos, what did he _do_ to you?"

"Did something funny with my eyes." Kudos shivered in her arms. "But other than that, he didn't hurt me. He just...kept me in there..."

Kudos was big, but Hinata was strong, and it didn't take much effort to pick him up and carry him out of the room. "Can you get back home now?"

Kudos squinted with his one good eye. "Mmhmm, I think so. Are you staying here?"

"I am."

"Kick his butt, mistress."

"Don't worry. I will." Hinata gave him a reassuring smile.

Hesitantly, Kudos put his claws together, and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Hinata turned, and looked back at Neji. "You...you're evil."

"Aren't I though?" Neji smiled, and stood up.

At that, all the owls in the rafters suddenly went silent.

"So, what's your reason?" Hinata asked, performing some last minute stretches. "Why...all this?"

"Tell me, Hinata, have you figured it out?" He replied with another question. "How the Gokei is acquired?"

Hinata nodded. "Eventually, yes. While the Sharingan requires you to kill an ally, the Byakugan requires you to be spared by an enemy."

"Quite. And I trust you remember how I developed mine?"

"It was me." Hinata whispered. "When father attempted to kill you and ordered me not to intervene, and yet I saved your life."

"Precisely." Neji beamed. "I suppose I should thank you for making all this possible. Not that I'm blaming you for the massacre, of course, I'm keeping full credit for that."

"Is that why I was spared?" Hinata asked him, some desperation leaking out into her voice. After so long...she needed to know. "Was some misplaced sense of gratitude why you let me live?"

"I'm afraid not." Neji replied, calmly. "You see, Hinata, I told you earlier that the Gokei's powers cannot last forever. That they have consequences for the person who wields them. By the end of this battle, it's entirely possible that Gokei overuse will have killed me. However..." He pointed. Straight at her. "There is a way to negate this. With the eyes of another Gokei user, those of a close family member, one can gain the power to use the Gokei indefinitely, with greater power and a reduced cost. Why do you think I spared you? Bid you get stronger? Now, here you are. And whoever leaves here will have eternal access to one of the strongest eyes on the planet."

Hinata shook her head in disgust. "That's all it is? That's all it ever was? You wanted more power?"

He tilted his head. "Would you believe me if I told you I was trying to save the world?"

It wasn't a direct statement, so she couldn't tell if he was lying.

"No." she settled into a gentle fist stance.

"I didn't think so."

He fell back into one himself. "Are you prepared?"

"I've been prepared for the last ten years."

"Then the question I asked you ten years ago still stands. Hinata Hyuuga, do you believe you can change your fate?"

The following battle would take place entirely within the ensuing sixty seconds.

* * *

Itachi was sat alone in the forest when Sasuke found him. The elder Uchiha brother had a wide cloak around his shoulders, and a blade of grass on his lips, and was trying (unsuccessfully) to blow a tune into it.

"Pfthffffft." He said, in greeting.

"That is definitely not how you're supposed to do that." Sasuke remarked, dryly.

Itachi looked at him. Frowned. Put down the leaf. "Something's up. What."

"Oh come on, you did _not_ figure that out from my just sassing you! I always sass you!" Sasuke protested.

"You'd be surprised what you pick up about someone when you look at them with the Sharingan most days for four years." Itachi replied, staring hard. "You, little brother, are absolutely furious. What's happened?"

Sasuke considered letting the farce play out longer, but gave up. There had never been any hope of him lying to Itachi.

"Traitor." He said, simply.

"Ah." Itachi replied. He sighed, and stood up.

"Did you hurt Izumi?"

"No. She's in prison."

"Thank you. She's not guilty of anything."

"Except keeping secrets?"

"Except that, yes. Will I be allowed to explain myself?"

"Sure," Sasuke replied, "from prison."

"We both know this village doesn't have a prison that can hold me." Itachi looked up and fixed his gaze on the middle distance. "But I imagine that's your plan, isn't it? Any opportunity to kill me would be good for you."

After a moment, Fugaku faded into appearance where Itachi was looking. "We don't want to kill you. But we will, if you won't come peacefully."

"Well, that's a crock of shit and you know it." Itachi turned back to Sasuke. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Fugaku and the Uchiha were planning a coup d'etat back when I was twelve. They had every intention of killing the Hokage and taking over the village."

Sasuke weighed up the information. "Thanks. I'll deal with that later. Did you help kill the Hyuuga?"

Itachi's eyes narrowed. "Yes."

"Have you been consorting with Neji this whole time?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I'm not going to tell you that while Neji is still alive."

"Great." Sasuke drew Raito. "You ruined one of my teammates' lives. Surrender or I will kill you."

"Would you believe me if I told you it was to help save the world?" Itachi asked.

Sasuke thoguht about it. "No."

"I didn't think so." Itachi turned to face Fugaku. "If I die here, make sure this asshole doesn't get my eyes."

Then his Sharingan flashed.

 _Kagutsuchi_. Sasuke thought, and the Amaterasu flames that blossomed on Fugaku's body didn't harm him, they all flew harmlessly away and coalesced in Sasuke's palm.

He raised an eyebrow at his older brother, pointedly.

"Worth a shot." Itachi shrugged.

Then Sasuke flung the black fire from his palm in the form of dozens of shuriken, and Itachi conjured a clone that transformed into a large wooden barricade, and the moment the spray touched it it exploded in a bright flash, and in the brief moment of blindness Fugaku had to use sound alone to block Itachi's taijutsu attack, and then the fight was on.

* * *

The good thing about a battle between two Byakugan users was that neither bothered to waste time with genjutsu. They just charged.

Hand signs flashed and three Hinata slammed into three Neji, hands blurring between them like wind dancing around mountains. There was one pop, and another, and then the poof of a substitution jutsu and another pop, and then Hinata was stood back in the position of her safety-clone looking out at three perfectly intact Neji.

 _Fuck, that was quick. He's better than me at the gentle fist._

"Five years of experience, remember." Neji tutted.

He sprinted towards her again-

And was met with an explosion.

Hinata pulled her right hand back to the satchel she'd summoned at her hip, and threw a kunai with her left. Then threw another with her right, and another with her left, and-

Explosions rocked the hideout. Owls took off, screeching, as the walls shook and dirt was thrown up and Neji jumped, span, and twisted like a madman to avoid the detonating projectiles Hinata threw at him at a rate roughly equivalent to a high caliber chaingun.

If the bastard was going to give her seven days, she was damn well going to make the most of them. And if ever there was a time for 'spend all your money and use all your consumable items', this was it.

Naruto had said it best. You can never have too many explosive tags.

Eventually Neji twisted into a Heavenly Spin (which he did on his _hands_ , by the way) and Hinata planned on attacking with something that had more punch, but he beat her to it, shooting a bolt of lightning from the inside of his dome aimed straight at her heart, all while somehow keeping his clones in the dome with him.

 _How are they-Oh, putting out chakra in sync with him so the flow goes around them, didn't know that was possible, noting it down-_

Hinata used the same technique she'd used against Sasuke, catching and splitting the bolt with a flicker of lionfist goodness and channeling it around her, but this time she didn't fire it straight back. She shot it in almost a cone in front of her, in what must have looked like a poorly controlled burst, but that didn't matter because she wasn't aiming to penetrate the dome with it.

Hundreds of shards of metal, remnants of her thrown kunai buried in floors and walls, were suddenly lit up with electricity. Lightning sparked across the ground, through the air, darting past the dome to strike Neji in the-

A blink, and then his two clones transformed into large metal rods, catching and grounding all the lightning before it could hit Neji. They both popped, and Neji idly brushed some debris off his cloak.

"Are you afraid yet?" He asked.

"No." She replied.

"You're telling the truth." He mused. "Good for you. Problem is-" he looked her in the eye, "You really ought to be."

And then everything went white.

* * *

The forest outside Konoha was pretty fucking on fire right now my dudes. Itachi was following a well tested Uchiha strategy of 'well, being outnumbered doesn't matter as much if the terrain doesn't let them double team me, and the terrain doesn't let them double team me if the terrain is _fire_.'

Sasuke jumped between burning trees, throwing a brace of shuriken at Itachi's form as it blitzed past him, then glared and used his Kagutsuchi to grapple a large plume of Amaterasu, yanking it away from where his father was also executing some calculated arson.

Oh yeah, Amaterasu was everywhere too, thanks for that Itachi. Everything was either red as the blood of angry men or black as the dark of ages past, and all of it was hot as hell.

 _Weird, Itachi doesn't usually-oh, whatever, not important._

Sasuke unrolled a spool of razor wire and-

 _No!_

That _was_ important. He chased the thread of thought back to its root, and growled. _Oh, very clever._

Of course, Itachi couldn't use Amaterasu to such an outrageous extent without going blind. Ergo, this wasn't happening. And the tricky shit had put a little bonus genjutsu in to make Sasuke avoid thinking about the plot holes.

He snapped out of the illusion just in time to see Itachi swinging for his head with a sword, and barely got his own up to block it.

A vague note of amusement bubbled to the surface of the rage when he realised that they were both using one half of Raito. _Note to self, claim that off his corpse._

He twisted his brother's blade away, parried another five quick strikes, then reposted, his blade sliding harmlessly over Itachi's shoulder while his elbow came around to punt him in the face and _Explosive Shadow Clone-_

A rapid substitution got Sasuke out of the range of the bang (immolating a poor tree branch) and then he used his razor wire like a grapple to yank himself leftwards, to where Itachi and Fugaku were duelling.

Another quick fireball split them apart, and then Sasuke was above Itachi, opening his arms and unleashing a blitz of shuriken.

Itachi responded in kind, and the air was turned sharp as flashes of steel collided, intersected, fell harmlessly or thunked into trees. One grazed Sasuke's cheek, another made a gash in Itachi's leg.

Then Sasuke finished falling, and crashed down on Itachi just as Fugaku charged in from the side, and they blurred together in a crush of steel, and then Itachi caught Sasuke with a heel to the back of his neck and knocked him flat unconscious on the floor, turning to focus on Fugaku and reminding the elder that, hey, maybe taking on your young, fit, genius prodigy son is much easier alongside your _other_ young, fit, genius prodigy son and not _alone_ as a man who is at best 'really good' at being a ninja (pathetic, right?).

Of course, that wasn't what was actually happening. Fugaku must have noticed when a genjutsu'd Itachi started completely ignoring his completely okay little brother, but professionally didn't react, letting Sasuke set up a web of traps, and then charge in from behind with a chidori aimed right at Itachi's back.

Itachi turned around and caught Sasuke's arm.

"You do realise I wasn't caught by any of that, right?" He remarked, calmly.

Sasuke bared his teeth and kept fighting.

The fight went on to last about three minutes, but when you're a ninja who surpassed the speed of sound during the Chunin exams and your APM varies between a hundred and a thousand, three minutes can feel like a lifetime.

The initiative waxed and waned, techniques were traded, Itachi's reserves gradually ran low until he was forced to pull out the Susanno. After that, it was only a matter of time.

The orange armour cracked, then fell away, allowing Sasuke in to bury a chidori in his elder brother's stomach.

Itachi gave one last witty remark, smiled, did that thing with the forehead poke he'd liked to do throughout Sasuke's childhood, and died.

And Sasuke cried for him.

He was too exhausted to deal with Fugaku's explanations or complaints; putting his brother's body in a storage scroll and leaving at an unhurried walk.

It was only hours later, sat in his room, that he realised something was wrong.

As an exercise, he threw up a genjutsu on himself; wiping his own memory and replaying through the events from an unbiased point of view.

Lo and behold; the fight had gone exactly how he'd expected it to go.

Because that's all it had been. An expectation.

Itachi hadn't done anything Sasuke hadn't known he could. From the initial genjutsu war, to the kenjutsu fight, to the fire, to the mangekyo...to the fact that Sasuke hadn't been able to surpass his brother, just wear him down. Everything had been exactly as he'd expected it to be. That was what the genjutsu had been made out of, after all.

Sasuke paused, sighed. And then screamed aloud, and shattered his reality like glass.

He was back at the beginning of the fight, but this wasn't real _either_ , was it? He broke through the genjutsu, then broke the next one, then the next, then the next, then the overarching genjutsu that was putting all the other ones in front of him, then the one above that and the one above that but it didn't _matter_ , there would _always_ be more, illusion after illusion wrapping around him like a nice warm blanket that he was too _afraid_ to shrug off, like suffocating in his bedsheets during a dream, because it didn't _matter_ how much he thought he was fighting, at the end of the day he would _never_ be able to get over the idea that Itachi would _always be there_ , like some omnipotent onii-san _deity_ that he couldn't possibly defy, because how could Itachi ever be _wrong_ -

But he was. And Sasuke was sick and tired of trusting him.

Something very important deep inside Sasuke broke.

And with it, a red moon shattered into stardust.

* * *

Sasuke came to in the clearing, and judged that about two seconds had passed since the fight had really started. Fugaku was already bleeding from multiple cuts, and was currently restrained in a web of razor wire.

Evidently half a millisecond from stabbing his father in the gut, Itachi was staring at Sasuke in honest, gaping, mangekyo-eyed surprise.

"Stop. Lying. To Me." Sasuke told him.

"Well." Itachi, for the first time Sasuke had ever seen, gulped. "You just broke out of the Tsukiyomi, so I'm not even sure lying's possible anymore."

"Cute." Remarked Fugaku, offhandedly. And then his eyes shifted pattern, and black flames blasted forth.

* * *

 _Oh, son of a bitch, I forgot about Kokosora._

Hinata spun around in the emptiness, trying to remain calm.

 _Alright, what do we know. One; time isn't dilated in here, so we have about a second before he pulls my eyes out. Great. Two; total sensory deprivation for an unknown timescale. At least several weeks, not that I'll survive the next two seconds anyway. So, breaking it._

She stretched her eyes. Frowned, and stretched them further.

Nothing.

There was just _nothing_. Mind-bendingly, maddeningly, _nothing_ , for as far as she could see in any direction. More worryingly, there wasn't even a _her_. Her base eyes told her she floating in space, but she _wasn't_ , her Byakugan couldn't even see her own body, they didn't even have a reference point as to where _they_ were, and her nausea grew as she was provided no sensory data to even suggest that she _existed_ -

 _Calm down, girl. Think. What can we do that Itachi Uchiha can't?_ Hinata exhaled, grimaced, and thought _'Hiragekoma'._

It certainly _felt_ like the clarity was there, but there was no change in what she saw. While any other technique would have bloomed out into endless complexities of chakra threads, the Kokosora was still just plain nothing. No weak points, no strong points, nothing but an endless emptiness stretching out into eternity.

 _Of course. This genjutsu was meant specifically to target those with an over reliance on dojutsu. My eyes won't help me here_.

Hinata was certain a second had passed; maybe Neji was taking his time, confident she wouldn't escape?

What had he said...be afraid. Be afraid of what? Him? The technique? Was he cryptically giving her a hint or did she try and do the opposite of what he said?

What was she afraid of? Only the nebulous. She was afraid of hurting her teammates, afraid of dying because of what that would mean for the world, but that didn't seem relevant here.

What were _normal_ people scared of?

The dark.

It was a small, innocent, almost hysterical thought, but it stuck and Hinata turned back to it. Plenty of people were scared of the dark, but not the Hyuuga. It didn't matter to them how dark it was, they saw _chakra_. And yet...there was the cursed seal to stop the removal of their eyes. There was the hiding of the Byakugan's secrets, to stop people developing counters. The Hyuuga clan was terrified of its own special brand of darkness; the darkness that came when the eyes you were so proud of were somehow rendered useless.

 _It's a riddle, if you like. Who is more afraid of the dark? Someone with the sharpest eyes in the world...or a blind man?_

Hinata turned off her Byakugan. Still white. She closed her eyes. Black now, but still useless.

 _Do you really think I should be afraid of you stealing my eyes, Neji?_

 _I'll kill you_ blind _if I have to._

She opened her eyes, grinned, and then reached up and tore both Byakugan out.

* * *

Hinata came back to her senses 1.465 seconds after going under, not having even had time to fall over. Neji was barely a foot in front of her, hand outstretched towards her, yet when he saw her reopen her eyes his own widened in what looked like genuine shock.

"Glad that worked." She muttered to herself. "I'd have felt an utter imbecile if it hadn't."

There was a crack, and a blur of blue, and her palm slammed forwards and took Neji in the chest, sending him flying backwards to crash into his throne.

"And you're wrong." Hinata looked up at him, curse mark activated, flexing her wings. "I'm not the one who should be afraid."

* * *

So?" Konan asked, impassively. "What's the plan of attack?"

"There isn't one." The Deva path of Pain admitted, walking up to the gates of Konoha. "I'm going to enter, and use the human path of pain to eat people's memories until I find where the Kyuubi is."

"Sounds well thought out."

"A plan is just a list of things that can go wrong."

"This from the man who made the most complicated world takeover plan in the history of the planet."

Konan waited for a reaction, didn't get one, and frowned. "Oh, damn, you are pissed."

"I am." The Deva Path wasn't showing much in the way of expressions.

"You know you're going to hurt a lot of people."

"I do."

"Are you going to give the civilians a warning?"

Pain paused. Nodded. "Yes. They'll get a warning."

He cleared his throat, walked towards the gates, and held his hands out. Breathed in.

"SOME-"

* * *

"Lady Tsunade!" Shizune burst into the Hokage office- "You won the lottery!"

Tsunade froze. "The-You mean the Konoha-"

"No! The international lottery!" Shizune was beaming. "That was one in a billion chance, my lady! You're so _lucky_!"

Tsunade shook, and slowly turned to look through her window.

As she watched, the gates to the city _exploded_ , nearby houses collapsing with bodies and shards of wood being scattered across the streets along with the echoing call of "-BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME, I-"

* * *

 **Oh, yeah. It's all coming together.**

 **You may notice that these fights are mirroring each other to some degree, and that's deliberate. I'm really going for the whole 'Hyuuga and Uchiha are two sides of the same coin' thing. You may also notice that everyone is swearing a lot, and that's basically because they're all completely furious.**

 **So, ladies, gentlemen and weebs. Place your bets. Who am I going to let survive this?**


	62. Family Matters 2

**Family Matters #2**

* * *

Well, if the hideout had had a ceiling at one point, it was fucking gone now. There was a veritable _eruption_ , as Neji was blasted up through brick and mortar, followed by an irate Hinata-owl trailing lightning.

She slammed two chidori-lionfists up at him, which he deflected with his bare palms (Kami knows how) and then spun and axe kicked her back down to land in a crash on a high point of the structure. She prepared herself for his falling attack, then started as he instead substituted with some debris and appeared beside her with another palm strike. She caught it on her forearms, sliding backwards, and then rapidly stripped off the explosive tag he'd stuck to her and threw it to explode between them and deter his followup, then swerved to dodge the falling piece of debris he'd substituted with and then beat her wings to fly up above the chakra scalpel he'd swung at her head.

She span upside down midair, grabbed his arm, and pulled. He used a tree walking technique to stick to the floor, but she pulled hard enough that the floor came too, two chunks of concrete stayed attached to his feet as she bodily _flung_ him off towards one of the hideouts tall pillars, deadening a few of the chakra points in his arm while she was at it.

Neji kicked the two concrete blocks at her while he was flying, which she deflected without much difficulty, and then landed on the pillar with a much less chill expression than he'd held earlier.

"Note to self; remove her Orochimaru-possessed birdie-powers." He said to himself (out loud) as he struck his one arm with the other a few times, reopening the damaged chakra routes.

Hinata glared at him.

"Chidori." She said, making a long list of hand seals. "Onyx thunderstorm."

 _Come take a look at what this cursemark can_ really _do_.

Lightning crackled, and Hinata split into ten, and each one of those ten fed just about all of its chakra into their curse marks.

The sage creatures still in the area shivered, as they felt all the residual senjutsu chakra get sucked out of the air all at once.

The ten Hianta were enveloped with black lightning, and flew.

Neji adopted a well respected ninja strategy called _running for his fucking life_ as bolts of lightning began to strike the hideout from all directions, clouds formed and darkened as the localised electricity ionised the air and started affecting pressure differentials, and the area became a veritable web of electricity.

Neji sprinted, substituting with debris and dodging behind and around pillars to keep away from the ranged attacks, then had to jump away as one of the Hinata dive-bombed his location with a chidori, causing a giant explosion that bodily flung him across the roof. He barely had a chance to land before another Hinata tried to crash into him, and another, and another, the shadow clones far outspeeding the lightning they could produce as they made mad kamikaze dashes at their opponent.

By the third Neji's hair was singed, by the sixth his Akatsuki cloak had been shredded, and by the ninth he was bleeding outright from myriad wounds and had developed an odd tremor in one hand, presumably from the electricity.

And there was still one opponent left.

Hinata, the real Hinata, screeched to the sky before charging down towards him, marshalling her energy to form a black tinted chidori big enough to remove most of his torso.

And this time, Neji didn't dodge.

He clenched one fist, and a dark blue lionshead burst into existence around it. He held up his hand, moved into a defensive stance, and waited.

And then Hinata collided into him, and knew she'd won.

The lionfists were one of the most difficult Hyuuga arts; they allowed the user to drain chakra with nothing but an incredibly complicated disruption and absorption array that conveniently looked like a really cool lion's face. But one thing Hinata knew for a fact that they _could not do_ , having trained under Orochimaru for years, was drain sage chakra. And that was exactly what she was pouring through her arm and into his.

His eyes narrowed in pain and his mouth opened in a silent scream as the skin on his arm burned, flaking off to leave a blood red layer underneath and then burning _that_ off too as the black lightning tore at the limb.

But he didn't move.

And his other arm came round.

 _Oh shit_ -

There was nothing Hinata could do as Neji brought his left hand up, placed it on the back of her neck, and uttered "Hiragekoma."

Her world exploded into agony.

* * *

"You have the mangekyo?" Sasuke gasped, cartwheeling to his feet, and

"You have the _mangekyo_?" Itachi asked, using his cloak as an umbrella to catch all the Amaterasu from Fugaku's eye.

"I'll explain later!" The elder snarled. Black flames burst forth from his eyes again, and again, but Itachi was ready by then. Big weakness of Amaterasu: high damage, high speed, but line of sight only, and low penetration. Quickly thrown up mud walls and substituted tree limbs were enough to catch the fire without Itachi getting so much as a spark on him.

At least, they were enough to stop Amaterasu alone.

 _Kagutsuchi_ , and the black fire was _chasing_ Itachi, forcing him to dart around the area as fast as he could to avoid the tendrils of flame catching up to him. At some point there father and eldest son made eye contact, and Sasuke was about ready to forcibly jolt Fugaku out of Tsukiyomi (if he even could), but it was _Itachi_ who convulsed in midair, crashing against a tree he'd been aiming to land on and barely recovering in time to dodge the rest of the Amaterasu.

He looked up at his father and tilted his head. "Your other power just causes pain on eye contact? Bit boring, just sort of mine but worse. Is that where the 'Wicked Eye' thing comes from?"

"How are you still conscious." Fugaku deadpanned.

"This illness has had me in agony for months." Itachi shrugged. "You're not that impressive. Also, because I'm Itachi Uchiha. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

Standing still to chat had cost him, however; a wide sphere of Amaterasu swirled into being around him.

Fugaku shouted a warning but was too late, Sasuke (who had formed the prison in the first place) had already charged ahead and entered before it had closed, drawing his sword and crashing into melee with his brother.

His eyes smarted, and he noticed that the visual quality he was used to had dipped considerably since the battle had begun, internally berating himself for his abuse of his abilities. His only consolation was that Itachi must have it _way_ worse.

Swords clashed, Raito's two halves slamming into each other as the two brothers duelled in a ring of fire. Sasuke wondered two seconds in why Itachi hadn't already found a way out of the sphere, then realised that Itachi still _wanted_ to be in here. Fugaku was out of the equation, and now Sasuke was stuck in kenjutsu against an opponent with almost a decade more experience who'd taught him everything he knew-

 _No. Thinking like that's what got me in this mess in the first place._

 _I_ know _I'm stronger than him._

Sasuke bared his teeth, and pushed.

His muscles burned, breathing came in sharp pants-

And Itachi fell back.

Looking almost as shocked as Sasuke felt, Itachi was gradually pushed backwards, Sasuke's furious assault making him lose ground step by step, until his back leg was almost touching the fire behind him.

Something had to give, and after another second or so, Itachi did.

His blade arm stayed out a millisecond too long and Sasuke took his weapon in an icepick grip and jabbed, stabbing it right through Itachi's palm.

His brother didn't react, and Sasuke didn't plan to leave him time to, twisting the blade until Itachi's Raito half dropped from his fingers.

Sasuke went into a low sweep, forcing Itachi to jump, and snatched up the falling blade. In one movement, he brought the two together, vanished both in a puff of smoke into his bracer ( _that's all of them except Samehada now_ -) and jumped as well, bringing his other hand round charged with a chidori aimed at Itachi's heart.

He still had one good hand, and Sasuke knew he could form hand seals with it, but any technique he could use at this range would either kill both of them or at least knock both away, sending Itachi right back through the wall of Amaterasu. And there was nothing in the sphere to substitute with.

 _Check, big brother. Move that queen or lose your king_.

Itachi's eyes fluttered closed for a split second. Then they opened, and there was a flash of orange.

* * *

Hinata stumbled to her feet, glared vaguely in Neji's direction, and placed her hand against the back of her neck. No damage.

And no curse mark either.

Thunder boomed in the sky and rain began to fall as Neji shook out his broken, blistered arm. "I worked with Orochimaru, remember. I know how his toys work. And now you're basically out of chakra, and can't draw in any from the outside."

Hinata smiled. "You're just the same. And I don't _need_ any more chakra."

She reached a hand up.

Neji, being a ninja, immediately saw the threat there and began running straight for her, but her eyes flashed and she declared "Kesshotoketsu!"

Crystals manifested all over Neji's body. Hinata's chakra was low, and this last act depleted it entirely, but she was able to conjure enough of the opal to thoroughly trap her cousin, leaving him unable to move with only his head visible for an essential half a second.

Hinata practically couldn't miss.

"You know, Karin had so many names she wanted me to call this thing." She mused, out loud, as a charge differential built up between her and the clouds above. "Eventually the lion and owl parallels were too good to pass up, but she did have one thing she made me swear to end this with."

Neji heaved against his restraints, but didn't have the freedom to move his hands or the strength to flex his way out.

Above him, the storm went quiet.

"This is the Gryphon." Hinata declared. "Begone; Thot."

She brought her hand down, and blitzing straight onto Neji from above was a gigantic lightning bolt in the shape of a toothy, clawed, hungry beast.

There was a flash that could be seen for miles, and a thunderclap that could be heard in three of the five nations.

* * *

A thunderclap echoed and "MOVE! GET TO THE SHELTERS!" Haku sprinted through the streets, pulling civilians who had fallen up to their feet and shouting as loud as he could.

There was a crash, and ahead of him, the entire upper floor of a building tore free of it's lower half, clearly struck by _something_ , and began to fall towards the street below. Grimacing, Haku wove hand seals as quickly as he could and _shoved,_ and pillars of ice grew up from the ground, forming a wide roof over the street. The falling masonry crumpled atop the structure, and it held, and the civilians below (most experienced enough in ninja shenanigans) quickly scrambled out from underneath it.

Haku let the ice collapse with a sigh, and jumped up above the wreckage, trying to get a good look at what had caused the devastation.

His heart skipped a beat.

 _That...is a big doggo._

The three headed hound roared, tearing a path of wanton destruction through the village as it ran. Even as Haku had been controlling his meager share of the damage, the beast must have crushed _dozens_ of other innocent people. Ninja were jumping about it like flies, and none of their efforts were doing much more than singeing its fur.

"Hey prettyboy!" Haku looked up at the shout to see Sakura land beside him. "What the hell is this thing? What's going on?"

"I don't know!" He shot back, looking at it. "Where's Naruto?"

"He's coming! Tsunade says she sent off a toad!"

"Well we'll have to hold out till he's here!" Haku eyeballed the distance between them and the dog, and began marshaling his chakra. "Someone summoned this thing, and they might be able to do it again! I'll go look for the summoner, but you're the only one with the attack potency to take fluffiekins out!"

"How am I gonna-"

Haku finished the jutsu and heaved again. Ice began to appear, small platforms floating in the air in about thirty meter intervals, leading up to the dogs heads. "GO!"

Sakura didn't need telling twice. While Haku darted away, she threw herself onto the first ice platform and jumped again, building up momentum and propelling herself up to the beast's mouths.

"Three heads? Bullshit..." She grumbled. Then pushed chakra down to her knuckles. "You've been a very naughty boy!" She shouted at it, or rather, them, "Now _piss off! The lot of you!"_

 _Crack,_ one fist broke something in the neck of one head, and-

 _Crack,_ she threw herself between the jaws of another and _stomped,_ breaking something, and-

 _CRACK,_ as she jumped across, landed on the skull of the final head and brought both fists down, punching bone straight down into it's brain.

Whether the summon actually had internal organs or not, her efforts seemed to bear fruit. With three last howls, and a massive burst of smoke, the dog vanished.

Sakura experienced brief nausea as the surface she'd been standing on vanished, and used her treewalking skills to come to a relatively sane stop on the ground.

Which was where she saw two people with orange hair, and black cloaks with red clouds.

"Well, now I have to re-summon that." One of them sighed. "Good job. But since you seem to be the only one capable of destroying it that fast I should be alright."

Sakura tch'ed and began running towards them, but one put his hands together and-

 _BANG_

 _-Fur-_

Something batted Sakura aside, sending her crashing into a storefront, and then one of the redheads had grabbed her by the throat and looking up she could see the dog was _back, how the hell did they re-summon it so quickly-_

Then, something happened. She screamed as her attacker yanked, and there was a brief moment of agony as she felt like she was being torn _right out of her own body-_

And Sakura Haruno died.

* * *

Lightning crashed against the Yata Mirror, dispersed along the spirit weapon's surface, and then Sasuke was slammed backwards by the shield's surface and had to rapidly dispel his own Amaterasu to avoid taking a dunk in it himself.

In front of Sasuke, Itachi's armoured orange Susanno burst into existence around him as he staggered back to his feet, eyes bleeding, arms shaking and stance nothing resembling anything effective.

"Move out of range!" Sasuke shouted. "He can't hold it for more than a few sec-"

There was a black flash, and a circle of Amaterasu appeared around the trio, and this time it wasn't Sasuke's doing.

 _He's completely given up on having any vision after this_. The youngest realised. _This is him going all out_.

 _Oh fuck._

Itachi and his gigantic fuckoff suit of armour moved towards them and oh shit it was _fast_ , the Totsuka blade swinging almost as fast as Itachi had swung Raito except three feet wide and twenty feet long-

Fugaku jumped one direction, then found his way blocked by the Yata mirror slamming into the ground to his left, and the Susanno was in front and the Amaterasu was behind him and the blade was coming in from the right-

There was a flash of red.

Fugaku's Susanno (oh of _course_ he has a Susanno-) was about as big as Itachi's; and human rather than skeleton, but it was unarmoured, and the Totsuka blade slammed into its side with a crunch of chakra and bone and a dent was formed.

Fugaku's avatar swung a fist that slammed into Itachi's' face, and in its other hand formed a giant Fuma shuriken that it swung forwards.

The Mirror caught it with a thud, then Itachi brought his sword up and back down again, smashing through the red Susanno's skull, then he did it again, and-

There was a flash of purple, and Sasuke's still skeletal Susanno shoulder-checked Itachi's (he'd had to do _something_.)

Itachi fell back a few metres, and the three took a brief moment to appreciate how fucking epic this confrontation was.

Then the three Susanno in the arena of black fire started fighting again.

Sasuke's (smallest but lightest, and it had _arms_ now) pushed in to punch the flat of the Totsuka blade away, and then Itachi brought the mirror up to block the next punch, then another strike from Fugaku's shuriken, then the shuriken span and shoved the shield up and Sasuke slammed a hammer fist into an orange midriff, cracking it, then the Totsuka blade came back round and beheaded Sasuke's Susanno outright. It continued its swing and stabbed through the hole in the centre of the shuriken, hooking it round and burying it through the chest of Fugaku's. Sasuke's, still headless, punched another two cracks into Itachi's before the Yata Mirror fell down to slam into the purple avatar so hard it almost fell over, leaving a giant crack in the skeleton. Itachi tore his shield out while Sasuke was still recovering ( _Kami why does it have to feel like I've actually been beheaded ooowwww-_ ) and continued a full barrage against Fugaku, smacking the shuriken out of his Susanno's hands, blocking an ineffectual fireball from the man within using the Mirror, then squaring up and pulling the Totsuka blade back for a stab that was going to puncture straight through the red energy and into the man inside.

Sasuke, acting almost entirely on instinct at this point, stretched out with one hand, and a long whip made up of fiery purple tomoe stretched out from his Susanno's hands. _Oh, hey, magatama beads. Unorthodox, but I can work with it_.

The beads wrapped around the Totsuka blade and Sasuke yanked, pulling the sword off course and instead making it dig a great furrow in the earth as it swung round in an arc, leaving Itachi's arms wide open. Perfect. Sasuke forced more chakra into his avatar, tinted it with fire, and, shaking with the effort, built up a giant version of the rasenkunai with his Susanno's free hand.

He took one last look at his brother; bleeding, shaking, crying outright, looking back at him with an expression he couldn't even understand.

Then he slammed the rasenkunai forwards.

It smashed through the armour, lodged in the flesh of the Susanno.

Then, with a final echoing boom, it tore the entire avatar to shreds.

* * *

Hinata sagged, as the rubble rained down around her.

Inhaled.

Exhaled.

And then-

"Huh, would you look at that."

 _Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me-_

She jumped back as something crashed into the floor where she'd just been stood.

The smoke cleared, and ahead of her she saw Neji. Except not quite.

His entire body, hair included, was an opal white. A few cracks ran down his skull, and down the arm she'd damaged earlier, but other than that he was fine.

And he had- what in the- he had _four arms_.

"Guess I must just be a coward." He mused. "Turns out I don't want to die after all."

Hinata swore and reached for her pouch, throwing more of her explosive-tagged kunai, but Neji ran through the explosions like they weren't even there, coming straight up to her and kicking her in the pelvis, knocking her back into a pillar.

"Anyway, this is my Vishnu transformation." He told her. "It makes me stronger, faster and more durable. Boring right? Oh yeah, also arms."

Hinata didn't have any choice but to engage him in melee. Her chakra was completely exhausted, as was everything else about her, but she still rallied a desperate cry and ran back at him in a gentle fist stance.

He was faster, faster than he'd been earlier in the fight when he'd _already_ been able to beat her in a taijutsu spar, and he had fifty percent more _limbs_ now. What was worse was when he let one of her palm strikes through (it had to be on purpose) and it thudded harmlessly into the white exterior.

"Oh yeah, I also don't have chakra points now." He told her. There was strain in his voice, she noticed, it was coming out raspy like there was no moisture in his throat.

So she curled that palm into a fist, and tried to punch him, but he caught it with one of his arms. Another caught her other arm, and with his remaining two he fell into a painfully familiar stance.

"Eight trigrams, one hundred twenty eight palms."

 _Shit-_

The attacks peppered her, and she buckled under the pressure, going numb as _no no no no_ -

He let her go, and she hit the floor.

She couldn't feel anything. It was like lying on a bed in Orochimaru's hideout again, only this time she was chakra exhausted to begin with.

"Well tried." Neji's voice wafted in from somewhere, distant and hazy. "But insufficient. I'm going to die when this wears off if I don't get those eyes, so excuse me if I do this in a bit of a hurry..."

A memory came to Hinata, unbidden, from well over four years ago.

 _"In my life, I will fight. Probably many, many times. I will fight for many reasons; for my friends, for my country, for myself, and I'm sure sometimes I will fight without even knowing why. Sometimes I will fight certain of victory, but most of the time in the murky realm of probability and doubt. And sometimes I will be forced to fight an opponent who I believe is beyond me. And when I look down the paths of the consequences of defeat, and see that the world will suffer for it...then and only then will I open the gates. This I swear, on my heart and on my name."_

If Hinata died here, Neji would quite possibly become the most powerful ninja alive. He would pluck her eyes from her sockets and claim the strength to destroy all of Konoha if he felt like it. And his organisation was hunting the bijuu.

He would kill Naruto.

The girl's heart knew what it wanted.

Her brain throbbed, as a pathway within it burst into activity.

Her eyes snapped open, and her hand darted out, catching one of Neji's as it reached towards her face.

"My name is Hinata Hyuuga." She declared, meeting his eyes. "And the eight gates unblock tenketsu, bitch."

She punched with her other arm, and Neji flew backwards, and she wasted no time sprinting after him with a war cry.

Two more strikes slammed into his midriff and a kick buckled his leg, and then his four arms cane up and began fighting back, rocketing palm strikes into her. She fell into a boxing stance that would have made her clan disown her, minimising surface area, shielding her face and hitting him with as much brute force as she could muster.

He was ice, she was fire, passion warring against cold apathy. She targeted the one arm she'd damaged earlier, and the cracks spread considerably, but he was soon able to disable her again, shutting off chakra points in her arms, legs and midriff and kicking her away, but she was _not_ stopping, nothing he tried was going to keep her down anymore.

"Second Gate, Open!" She declared, and there was a burst of pain as her body's systems rebooted themselves again.

She crashed back into him, faster this time, barely even bothering to stop his attacks anymore, just going all out offensively until-

Crack-

One of the four arms was split off at the elbow, and went flying off into the distance. She pushed her advantage and he fell back, unbalanced, skin coming off in chunks, still hammering attacks down on her until again she was forced to stumble to a halt, and again-

"T-Third Gate; Open!"

 _Agony_ , all encompassing _agony_ , but she ignored it, charging straight back and attacking him again, hitting even harder, and at this point she was throwing him around the hideout with every punch.

She kneed him in the face, grabbed his throat, and slammed him into the floor, then took him for a ride, digging a new road into the structure with the back of his head and leaving shards of white opal behind gleaming like stars.

His expression didn't change, it was quite possible he didn't even feel the pain anymore, his three remaining arms continued to strike at her until the arm she was dragging him with went limp, so she reached down with her teeth to grip his hair and fling him into a pillar. She threw herself into him, trapped him there with her own body, grabbed one of his arms with her own and _rrriiiiipped_ -

It came off with a crunch, causing her to stagger backwards and away from him, and he just wouldn't Go Down, using his last two arms (both on the same side) to pepper strikes all along her spine until she crashed into the ground again.

"F-f-fourth Gate;" Hinata would be crying if her moisture wasn't evaporating right off her skin- "Op, nnngh, OPEN!"

This was her limit, as far as she'd gotten with all the years of independent study under Orochimaru, and it had _never_ hurt like this before.

Her heart felt like it was melting by the second, every nerve ending on fire as her body went through something it had _never been built to go through_ , but she _relished_ it.

Pain was good. Pain was her friend. Pain meant she was alive, and nothing had ever felt better than being alive in that moment.

She stood, turned around and backhanded him across the face, cracking the entirety of his head.

His broken face turned to her, and his two remaining hands darted towards her, but this time, _she_ caught _them_.

He tried to kick her, but he couldn't generate enough torque to do anything, and she slammed her forehead into his nose.

His face sort of crumpled, revealing that the white seemed to go all the way through, and then she reached back and jammed one hand into his head.

Bleeding fingers tore through opal, and with a final kiai, Hinata _wrenched_ Neji's left eye out of its socket.

And that, finally, seemed to be enough.

What was left of Neji staggered backwards, barely able to support itself. It's mouth worked, and broken, jarred words made their way out.

"Just so you know..." He said, fixing his last eye on her. "I've always loved you, cousin."

And...and it was _true_.

Hinata gaped as he began to tip backwards, continuing "Not in, like, a weird way or anything...I'm not a...fucking _Uchiha_..."

And with that, Neji toppled onto his back, and lay still.

Hinata, still clutching his eye, sank to her knees.

The fourth gate cut out, and she lost consciousness, falling to the floor.

* * *

 **Yes.**

 **Neji is dead.**

 **Headcanoned a bit with Fugaku, but we know the guy had the Mangekyo, and what, was I supposed to turn _down_ the three Susanno showdown? Like come on, somebody draw that, it would have been epic.**

 **And yes, Hinata's jutsu was basiacally Kirin. As for the Vishnu, you'll get to see more of that as time goes on.**


	63. Family Matters 3

**Some people might have seen something that looks a lot like _this_ if they came early last week. I published the wrong document and didn't notice for thirty minutes, my bad. Make sure to check #2 if you haven't read it already!**

* * *

 **Family Matters #3**

* * *

"Get up."

Hinata blinked, and awoke. Everything hurt like hell, but there was a revitalising stream of chakra pouring into her that had roused her from her exhausted slumber.

It cut off far sooner than she'd have liked. "That's all I've got, and it will have to do. Get up, Hinata, you're not done yet."

She groaned, and stumbled to her feet, looking up to try and place the voice that had...wait, what. "Itachi?"

Sasuke's brother was stood there staring at her with a very controlled expression.

"How did you-"

"I suppose congratulations are in order." He mused. "You have successfully killed Neji Hyuuga. You'll forgive me if I can't bring myself to pull out the confetti."

"Wait, you were the ninja disguised in the wall?" Hinata looked at him, narrowing her eyes. "What were you-"

"Shut up and listen." He said, flatly. "Your Gokei's passive is working, right? Great. Alright, I've been working with Neji for the last ten years."

Hinata's jaw dropped, it was _true_ -

"What do you-"

"I helped him massacre your family, and I helped him escape the village." Itachi continued, steamrolling over her, "And there was a very, very good reason for that that I'm certain you will want to know. But you're talking to a shadow clone, and it's not going to tell you. The only way you'll find out is by coming to the real Itachi in the Uchiha section of the forest outside of Konoha, at which point I have every intention of explaining everything you've ever wanted to know about Neji."

Hinata's head swam, she had literally no idea how to process what was going on. "Neji was- Wait, hold on, why are you-"

"But you'd better be quick." He told her. "I'm currently under attack by Sasuke and my father. I'm stalling for as long as possible, but if you aren't here in a few minutes, I'm going to die, and you'll never find out what you want to know.

Ciao."

He put his hands together.

"Wait, no!" Hinata reached out, but the Itachi clone had already vanished in a puff of smoke.

She almost sank to her knees again, but grit her teeth, forcing herself to stay upright and start stretching unwilling limbs, using what little chakra she'd been gifted to apply some self-healing jutsu.

"So I'm not finished." She muttered. "Of course. I'm never fucking finished..."

She turned around. A lot of the owls were still there, watching her curiously. "FORSOOOOTH!"She yelled.

One of the owls vanished, and a second later, the first owl Hinata had ever summoned appeared in it's stead, floating over to her with a concerned expression. "My lady, are yooou alright? Kuuudos returned tooo us, and we heard yooou had won, but then-"

"Konoha." Hinata told him, walking up. "I need you to get me there as fast as you possibly can."

* * *

Itachi slumped backwards against one of the few trees that had survived the encounter, and wheezed. "This...has not been the best day for me...oh, perfect, I'm blind now, wonderful..."

Sasuke dropped down in front, and launched another glare, not that Itachi could see it. The man's chakra was completely exhausted, his eyes were gone, but Sasuke still intended to treat him like a live bomb that might go off any second.

"We can't imprison him." Fugaku said, limping up behind Sasuke. "Not after that display, there's-"

"Okay I need you to Shut. The fuck. Up." Sasuke hissed, turning back to his father for a moment. "I'll deal with you when I'm done with him, considering you didn't even bother to deny trying to take over the village one time."

"I-"

"Itachi." Sasuke turned to his brother. "You get one last chance. Tell me, right now, why you betrayed us. Why you betrayed _me_. Or I set you on fire."

Itachi sighed. "Alright. What you need to understand is who I really am. I was born into war, Sasuke. A prodigy apart from his peers. My Sharingan awakened when I was four, alongside my first kill. I met only one who ever truly understood me, and together we went places no man on earth has ever seen. I gave away the truth to enemies, and lied to my friends. I am a brother, a son, a friend, and a teammate. I am Itachi Uchiha. And, uh, I am running out of cool things to say-"

 _He's STALLING-_

Sasuke heard something above him and didn't hesitate; his eyes flashed with the intent to burn and the black flames flowered up...but not on Itachi.

Something white blitzed down from the skies and crashed into the dirt, catching the attack on its own body.

It stood up, and shards of opal clattered to the floor from where the flames had landed.

 _Neji?_ Was Sasuke's first thought, remembering the Sharingan recording Itachi had shown him from four years ago, but it wasn't.

Hinata Hyuuga looked up at him, smiled apologetically, and said "What's up, Uchiha. If you could just give me a second-"

She turned around and grabbed Itachi by his lapels, slamming him into the tree and muttering at him too quietly for Sasuke to hear.

"The traitor." Fugaku hissed, drawing a kunai from his belt. "She's here to extract him-"

"No!" Sasuke yelled, holding a hand up to forestall his father. He had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on, but "She's my _teammate_. We wait to see what she says."

"Are you insane? She-"

Sasuke tuned him out, walking forwards.

Hinata had dropped Itachi, apparently having heard what she'd needed to, and turned round to look at him.

They stood there, awkwardly, for a moment.

"Your eyes are bleeding." She remarked, after a moment.

"Yeah." Sasuke replied, wiping at them. "My dojutsu's a bitch."

"Same." Hinata agreed. "Please don't Amaterasu me again? I only just found out I could use the Vishnu, and I already can't feel my fingers or toes. And I don't even get the extra limbs, Neji must be cheating..."

"Is Neji..." Sasuke trailed off.

"Dead." She nodded. Her face went funny. Some strange mixture of pain and relief. "Finally."

"And you know Itachi was working with him."

"I do." She took in a breath. "Sasuke. Do you trust me?"

He tilted his head at her. "Do I..." he thought about it. "You left the village."

"I did."

"You wouldn't come back."

"I wouldn't."

"It's been four years."

"It has."

Sasuke took a deep breath. "But your here now."

"I am." She nodded.

Sasuke took a second, and then ran forwards and wrapped her up in a hug. She responded in kind, gripping him like her life depended on it.

"I am going to give you _hell_ for this." He said, quietly. "Do you have any idea how much shit I've gone through..."

"I know." She muttered back. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I know you are. Alright then, Hyuuga. What's the plan?"

She extricated herself, sighed, and said "We keep fighting."

And she turned, entered stance, and faced Fugaku.

After a moment, Sasuke joined her.

"You-" Sasuke's father stared at him. "You're insane. She's a traitor. She worked with Orochimaru, attacked you and the ANBU! You're going to attack me at her word?"

"She's my teammate." Sasuke shrugged.

"Teammate isn't enough for that!" Fugaku howled. "That can't be all she is to you!"

"Or maybe," Itachi spoke up from the floor behind them. "you've forgotten what the word means."

Fugaku grimaced. And then his eyes flashed into the Mangekyo pattern.

 _Just like how we freed Kakashi!_ Sasuke genjutsu'd across at Hinata, and immediately flashed through the hand seals to "Great Fireball Jutsu!"

A wall of flame caught up Fugaku's Amaterasu, and though the black fire fed on the flames, it was still pushed backwards towards it's caster, who was forced to dive out of the way and right into-

"Eight Trigrams, Sixty Four Palms!" Hianta declared, and peppered him with tenketsu strikes.

He let out a strangled noise, and fell paralysed to the floor.

"Okay, so, now that's out of the way..." Sasuke wiped off his hands and turned to the clearing in general. "Would somebody _please_ tell me what the actual _Fuck_ is going on?"

* * *

Haku sprinted through the village, trying to drown out the screams of the people as he rushed past. _You can't help them. There's too many. You have to stop it at it's source!_

His head was on a swivel, looking desperately for _-There! Black cloaks, red clouds!_

The two orange haired targets, stood in the middle of a veritable _pile_ of Leaf-nin corpses, looked up at Haku, just in time for a hurricane of ice senbon to bombard their location.

A cloud of smoke erupted around them, and Haku landed just outside, on guard with his ears more than his eyes for their possible survival.

Unsurprisingly, both were still standing, unharmed. What _was_ surprising was that neither of them tried to _do_ anything, just turning to look at Haku like they were only half paying attention to him. He mentally named them Spike-ears and Pig-face.

"Mist." Pig-face said, out loud, reading his headband. "Just visiting, I assume? You can leave, our fight is with this village and it's Kyuubi."

"Mist _and_ Leaf." Haku countered. "And if you have a problem with Naruto, you have a prob-"

The moment he said Naruto's name, Spike-ears charged at him. He'd been prepared, however, and hurled himself backwards, simultaneously conjuring a much more substantial spear of ice to hurl forwards.

Spike... _caught_ it. The ice didn't melt, didn't shatter, just sort of vanished into his hand. Haku was so shocked he was almost unable to avoid the followup grab at his face. Almost.

He rolled to one side, then backflipped up over a grapple from Pig-face, before slamming his hands onto the floor. "Hidden Mist! Hiding in the mist jutsu!" He shouted, using the hidden mist technique to summon mist he could be hidden in.

Spike swept his arms around in a circle, and again seemed to be _absorbing_ Haku's jutsu. However, he was the known quantity, and so not the current target. Haku passed him entirely, moving over with an ice dagger to behind Pig's back, and swiftly digging it into the back of his head.

The mist cleared entirely.

And then Pig turned round and grabbed Haku by the throat.

 _WHAT-_

"That would have worked." Pig-face acknowledged, ice still sticking out the back of his head. "If I was using this brain to do anything other than register what the eyes told me."

 _Inner Zabuzza, what do I do?_

 _Kill the Mizukage!_

 _WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?_

"You know, that is the second time I have whiffed that technique against the Akatsuki..." Haku coughed. "What are you, some kind of puppet?"

"Uzumaki Naruto." Pig-face said, ignoring him. Behind appeared...Haku's brain did a bit of a double take as a _Giant Demon Head_ appeared out of the ground. "Where. Is He."

"You want me to rat out my first crush?" Haku spat in his face. "How about you go-"

An arm emerged from the demon mouth, and grabbed Haku's tongue. And it _pulled._

"Oh, wait, Human's learned that Naruto will be here soon." Spike remarked, calmly, as Haku felt the most excruciating pain he had ever felt in his life, his insides being _torn outside._ "Guess this is a waste of time. Alright, time for Deva to nuke this place and then we'll wait."

Haku Yuki died, and the Naraka path dropped him as it and the Preta path moved to get out of the blast zone.

* * *

"Alright." Said Itachi. "Sure, lengthy explanations, I'm only blind and dying from a deadly illness-"

"You're still on Amaterasu watch, asshole." Sasuke warned him.

"Please don't use that anymore," Itachi winced, "your eyes will be bad enough already."

Sasuke grimaced. It was true. Even with his Sharingan active, it felt more like he had the vision of an ordinary ninja at this point, and he dreaded to think what his sight was like without his dojutsu. "Noted. But keep talking."

Hinata stood off to one side, looking between them.

"Right. So, wind the clock back just over a decade." Itachi began. "Six or seven years since the demon fox attack, and the Uchiha are fucking pissed. You need to understand that plenty of people thought Madara should have been first Hokage rather than Hashirama, but then the latter killed the former and that was that. Second Hokage was Tobirama, and he just hated our entire clan. Shoved us into our own little zone on the edge of the village, you know the drill. And Sarutobi was next, and he didn't do anything about any of it."

"Skip to the important bit."

"Alright, Kami. So the third is getting old and the Uchiha go 'alright, it's about time the next one is one of us.' But nope, Minato comes along. And then after he dies, Hiruzen gets the job _back_. The clan feels neglected, wronged, mistreated, yadda yadda. And people start to plan for a coup."

"You mentioned Dad was heading it." Sasuke asked, and Itachi nodded.

"They were going to rock up and kill the Hokage, declare themselves in charge. Now, me and Shisui disagreed, blew the whistle on them. The plan was for Shisui to use his mangekyo ability, Kotoamatsukami, to control Fugaku and make him cancel the plan."

"It wouldn't have worked." Everyone turned to see Fugaku, laying flat on his back. He was paralysed completely from Hinata's attack, but she'd left him in control of his voice. "I never wanted the coup. I tried to stop it at every turn. But if I'd really put my foot down they'd have killed me and put a maniac in charge. At least as clan head I could try and mediate the damage."

"Sounds like being a bitch but alright." Itachi groused.

"Oh, _you're_ going to accuse _me_ of being morally dubious?"

"Kiddies, behave." Sasuke bit out.

"Right. Well, that plan obviously didn't pan out, because Shisui killed himself." Itachi continued.

"Oh, _sure_ he did-" Fugaku muttered-

"Fuck _Off_ , Dad, that part at least was true. Except that when I found him, he was already bleeding half to death and only had one eye left." Itachi shook, rage present on his face. "He said he'd been attacked by Shimura Danzo. And then he killed himself in front of me; and I had to go up to the Hokage's tower that evening and _report_ to that scheming Root bastard. The original backup plan was...was for me to kill the Uchiha."

"What?" Sasuke gaped.

"Go out and kill everyone except you." Itachi nodded, smiling fakely. "Put down the rebellion before it even starts, run off to become a missing-nin, job done."

"So why didn't you?" Hinata asked him, desperately. "What the hell did the Hyuuga have to do with any of this? Why did my family have to die?"

" _Pragmatism_." Itachi spat the word out like it was a curse, and then actually spat on the floor for good measure. "Danzo knew about the Mangekyo, and he didn't know that the Hyuuga had an alternative, neither did anyone. He couldn't bring himself to give up a clan that has such a powerful ability. So he... _appeased_ them. He proposed that the Uchiha should be given the political power they desire by removing their greatest rival." He exhaled, shakily. "By killing the Hyuuga."

* * *

 **Ten years ago.**

Neji sat in silence. He had listened to Itachi the explaining the mission just as wordlessly, and continued to do nothing but look at the floor.

"Well?" Itachi asked, "Nothing to say?"

"Hinata." Neji said.

"She's safe." Itachi reassured him. "I have the Hokage's word. Shouldn't be too hard to orchestrate it so that she's out of the compound and everyone else is in."

"The Branch family?" Neji continued. "Will I have to kill my mom?"

Itachi winced, but answered "No. As far as the rules go, the branch family has about as much political power as the main family's dog. They'll be Hinata's carers until she hits chunin."

"Hn." Neji nodded. Went quiet again.

Itachi waited for a whole minute, didn't get a response, and then snapped "Oh come on man, give me _something_. I know this is fucked, I know, but what, are you in? Out? Do we tear apart the establishment, do you want me to do it myself?" No response. "Say something, Neji." Itachi begged, eventually. "I...I don't know what to do."

After another moment, Neji looked up, and Itachi almost jumped out of his skin.

"What in the fucking-"

"Uncle Hiashi did this to me." Said Neji, with his blank, white eyes. "I can see lies now. I can see further. You any idea what it is?"

Itachi paused. "No, but..." He let his sharingan flick out, then let it spin into his Mangekyo pattern. "I got _this_ yesterday."

Neji just tilted his head. "Not to be overly philosophical-"

"You're always overly philosophical-"

"But do you think it might be a sign?"

"I think this is way too big of a deal to be deciding based on 'signs'." Itachi replied, flatly.

"Point." Neji stood up. "We do it."

Itachi nodded. "Good Jonin follow orders, right-"

" _Fuck_ the orders." Neji snarled, showing more emotion in those three words than he had in the last two months, at least in front of Itachi. "I want to keep my village safe. And my family...they can't... _do_ this." He pointed to his own forehead, and the seal that lay there.

Itachi nodded. "Alright. Let's plan this thing. Because we've got about as much chance of sneaking in to the Hyuuga compound as we do of sneaking onto the moon, and the branch aren't exactly going to just let us through..."

* * *

"And that was it?" Sasuke shot. "You just...went along with it?"

"Our other choices were worse." Itachi sighed. "Go after the Uchiha anyway and Danzo would have gone after us. Kill Danzo (which might have gotten us killed) and the village falls into just as much chaos. Take no action and Konoha suffers a civil war; and Kami knows what the other nations would do about that."

"They were innocent people-" Hinata began, but Itachi appeared on his feet so suddenly Sasuke almost killed him on reflex.

"No. They were _barbarians_. They used traditions from hundreds of years ago as an excuse to enslave over 80% of their family, all out of nothing but fear. Do you have any idea what I heard from Neji about them? And he was innocent too, up until then."

"That doesn't justify a massacre!" Hinata shouted.

"We are _ninja_." Itachi emphasised. "Did they deserve it? No. But we had to do what we thought would spare the most lives overall."

He slumped to the floor again. "And besides. It didn't go to plan anyways..."

* * *

Blood hit the floor, and the Hyuuga compound was in uproar.

Sometimes the simplest option was the best, and in this case, walking through the front door had worked just fine. Itachi and Neji together wasn't an uncommon sight, and while Neji wasn't _supposed_ to be returning to the compound, most of the family members were Branch anyway. Out of respect, or fear, they waited and watched.

And then the pair spotted Neji's grandfather.

Hiashi and his wife, Hiashi's father and his wife, her mother; three generations of targets, five individuals, no reason to delay. Neji had struck, and a ten year charade had begun.

"What the _fuck_ -" Itachi shouted, putting on his best impossibly horrified voice, only to be punched into the stomach so hard he was thrown into a wall and _totally_ damaged his chakra points, you guys, which was why he wouldn't be fast enough to catch up in time as Neji raced forwards up the stairs, and the Branch would still be trying to wrap their heads around what the hell had just happened, giving Neji time to crash through into Hiashi's bedroom and-

"Caged Bird, Clipped Wings."

 _Goddamit Neji we said if your uncle was still awake we'd wait to go for him first-_

He heard Neji screaming from within the room and decided that, tactically, the best way to stop this evil intruder was to set the entire room on fire.

The jutsu blasted from his mouth and through the doorway, and now he couldn't see, but the screams stopped which was good because they'd agreed that Neji would only be that loud when he'd been caught in one of the clan's fucked up techniques-

He crashed through the doorway, and saw both Hiashi and Neji stood on opposite sides of the room, facing each other. Hiashi's wife was a ninja in her own right, but she was stood in the corner clutching a kunai, with a look very much like someone who knew the child in front of her had surpassed her by age eight.

"Neji what are you-" Itachi tried to sound desperate, and then turned to Hiashi, "Sir, I think he's under a genjutsu, you have to-"

It wouldn't have been visible through the Byakugan, to all the others in the compound currently rushing towards the bedroom, but something on Itachi's face must have tipped Hiashi off.

The elder glared down at the two of them.

"You're here to kill me, is that it? Both of you? Is this some delusional revenge? How many of the Branch are scheming against me?"

"Sir, I-" Itachi tried, but Hiashi ignored him, turning to his wife. "Do it, dear. All of them. I'll protect you."

The woman (Itachi had never even bothered to learn her name) nodded, and began weaving a series of hand seals that Neji had shown him in advance.

His heart skipped a beat.

"No!" Abandoning all pretense, he and Neji rushed her at the same time, but were blocked by Hiashi, who used his greater size and strength to repel both for just long enough.

"Caged Bird: Unlatched Flock." The woman said.

Itachi didn't hesitate, "Amaterasu!" And his eyes flashed. The woman, screaming, was engulfed entirely in black fire, but it was too late.

Neji howled and collapsed to his knees, as did a branch member who had made it to the doorway, as did, in horrific tandem, every single member of the branch family in the entire clan.

 _'Caged Bird: Unlatched' kills the member it's directed at. But the flock variants of those abilities..._

Itachi roared and threw himself at Hiashi, and for a few seconds they engaged in a blistering taijutsu bout that ended with the man's hands about Itachi's neck, slamming him into the wall.

 _Right, clan head, very strong-_

"You killed my WIFE!" Hiashi howled.

"You killed my friend." Itachi spat, preparing to use his painful new power one more time, but before he could, Hiashi was knocked sideways, struck in the side by a palm and thrown into a far wall.

Itachi looked up in shock to see Neji stood over him, one hand reaching down to help him up. Neji's eyes were pure white, and his other hand came down from his forehead.

A blank forehead.

"That's not possible." Hiashi muttered. "That can't be possible..."

"Go." Neji instructed. "Take out the others. The ruse is up; the only ones who can see us now are on the hit list."

"You sure you can take this guy?" Itachi asked, taking the hand.

"I'm sure." Neji turned to face his uncle. "I'm not his prisoner anymore."

Itachi didn't ask twice, turning and bolting out of the room.

* * *

"We finished the job." Itachi explained, dully. "I sent a shadow clone back to the Uchiha compound to solidify my alibi."

"I remember that night." Sasuke gaped. "Your eyes were bleeding. _That_ was why?"

Itachi nodded, with a wry smile. "And you were so damn happy to see me...the clone waited until news of the massacre came about, put on an amazing performance about how Neji 'couldn't have possibly' etcetera, and then said it was going after him. I'd already met back up with Neji in the Hyuuga gardens, and we both took off. Spent a week making preparations, tying up loose ends, and then I headed back to the village to proclaim Neji a traitor to Konoha, vowing an oath of vengeance to hunt him down and kill him. He joined the Akatsuki, reported on their plans and movements. I stayed here, and hurt."

Sasuke turned to Hinata. "Is he telling the truth?"

Slowly, she nodded. "Every word."

Sasuke looked at his brother, mouth opening and closing.

...He had absolutely no idea what to do.

"You could have told me." Everyone turned to look at Fugaku, still lying paralysed on his back. "Son, if you'd only explained-"

"You _hated_ me." Itachi accused.

"Because I thought you a traitor!" Fugaku replied. "But if this is the truth, and you were only following orders-"

"I thought I made my 'fuck orders' philosophy very clear."

"You were trying to save your clan." Fugaku emphasised. "While I imagine you will try stubbornly to deny it; you were always doing what you could to protect us."

"My loyalties were always to the village first, and the clan second." Itachi told him, flatly. "We were at odds because yours were the other way around."

"And if I had only realised that sooner; perhaps this could have been prevented." The father mused. "Perhaps I would not have torn my own family apart." He paused. "During the third ninja war, a dear friend of mine lay dying in my arms. I wanted to take him back to the medics at our camp, they would likely have been able to save him, but he begged me not to, begged me to finish the mission, because if I did not more would die. So I slit his throat, my mangekyo awakened, and I went on. It was the next day that I decided to take you out to see the warfront. I wanted you to see what the ninja world does to us, Itachi. But it seems you learned that for yourself quite well."

"And now look at us." Itachi snorted. "Two blind idiots lying in a pool of our own mistakes."

Sasuke looked between them, and sighed. "Alright. I'm taking both your asses back to the Uchiha compound, and we're letting out Izumi, and then we're all going to sit down and have a very long talk."

He was trying to decide whether there was any point in handcuffing either ninja when a quiet voice spoke up from beside him.

"Don't think you're off the hook." Said Hinata, looking between them. "Don't think for a fucking _second_ that you're off the hook just because you've had your 'happy family reunion'. There's one thing you're forgetting."

Itachi frowned, then let out a quiet "ah." of understanding.

"The Branch was only your fault indirectly." Hinata told him, walking towards him. "I'll accept that. And my father, mother, grandparents...they were Shinobi. The ninja world is fucked; shit like this happens. But there was one person in that compound who wasn't a Shinobi. Who wasn't even five years old!"

She grabbed him by his lapels, shoving him back into the tree so that it splintered. "You spared me?" She yelled in his face.

"Well what about my sister?

WHAT ABOUT HANABI?"

Itachi looked down, and was silent.

Hinata gave him a few seconds, then nodded. "Okay. Fugaku made it necessary, Danzo made the call, Sarutobi stood by, and you and Neji did the deed. That's the complete list, right?"

She brought one hand back, and summoned a chidori.

"Hinata no!" Sasuke shouted, darting towards her, and she threw the technique forwards-

 ** _BOOM._**

Everyone froze as the noise hit them, followed by a shockwave that would have thrown civilians off their feet, followed by a hurricane of dust that had all of them coughing.

"What the fuck..." Sasuke grimaced and forced his smarting eyes open, trying to see in the direction of the noise.

"Oh no." Itachi said quietly.

Hinata dropped him and turned as well, Byakugan activating fully as she let her field of vision spread the ten kilometres or so to the sound's source. What she saw made her freeze. "What...who-"

"Pain." Itachi answered. "Oh, Kami, why did we have to do this now..."

"What happened? Hinata, what happened?" Sasuke grabbed his teammate's shoulder.

"Konoha." She choked out. "It's...gone."

* * *

Pain looked out over the damage that the chaotic Shinra Tensei had wrought. The heads of the past Hokage, up on the great cliff wall, were basically all that was left of Konohagakure. The current Hokage was still alive, it seemed, off by the cliffside. Other than that though, there was pretty much nothing except a single, enormous, perfectly circular hole in the ground.

All except for one incredibly conspicuous orange dot.

The Deva path floated down, landed, and walked slowly forwards, as the other five paths reassembled themselves behind it. Once he moved closer, the dot resolved itself into a person. A young boy, maybe sixteen, seventeen, with bright blond hair and blue eyes. The boy stood there, watching him.

"Uzumaki Naruto." Said Pain. It wasn't a question.

"Uzumaki Nagato." Naruto replied.

"You know me?"

"The toads filled a lot in."

Naruto looked around. "Right where I'm stood, or maybe, I dunno, about twenty meters up? There used to be this really great ramen shop." He began. "This guy, Ichiraku, he ran it, and he was a total legend, right? Now imma tell you a secret I've never told anyone else: I don't really like ramen as much as I make out to everyone. Like it's nice, I'll eat it, but there are other foods, you know?"

Pain tilted his head.

"But the thing about Ichiraku." Naruto continued. "Is that out of every food stall and restaurant and shop in this village, he was the only vendor who'd treat me like any other kid. I'd hop up on the stool, he'd go 'Naruto!' like he was so glad to see me, and I'd go 'give me the big bowl special!', and he'd make it while asking me about my day, and I'd laugh and tell him about all the pranks I'd pulled..." He breathed in, swallowed, and kept going. "So then ramen was my favourite food. 'Course there isn't an Ichiraku ramen shop anymore, because you just blew it up."

There was silence. A gust of wind whipped up some dust.

"You." Naruto said, slowly. "Are my least favourite person. And I don't usually go around disliking people for being bad to me, because if I did then I would have trashed Konoha myself a long time ago. But you killed Jiraiya, you destroyed my village, you, Nagato, have _hurt_ me."

"I have shown you Pain." Nagato told him.

"Ehehe, I get it, it's your name, that's clever..." Naruto laughed, weakly. "Yeah...you've hurt me. So I'm going to tear your Paths apart, and then I'm going to find you, and then I'm going to kill you."

"Very well." The Deva path shifted back into stance. "Try."

* * *

 **No, I'm taking no prisoners with this. Next chapter is when everything comes to a head. Be ready.**


	64. Family Matters 4

**Hey, you know how in canon curse mark (version one!) Sasuke could outspeed sound attacks? That's 340 m/s. Kakashi could react to a lightning bolt when he was a fucking teenager. That's (minimum) over 100,000 m/s, more likely millions. With that in mind, a 5 second cooldown on Shinra Tensei is fucking forever, so I've tweaked it the same way I'm tweaking a few things in this universe. Just bear in mind when I'm describing certain feats in this fic that they're being done by people who can consider, decide on, and perform hundreds of actions every second, and that chunin exams Sasuke could probably kill, like, everyone in My Hero Academia. And all the original avengers. And, like, all the robots from Code Geass.**

 **Maybe.**

 **From a writing point of view, this is why you don't scale your speeds to fucking ridiculous levels, guys. The six paths characters could easily kill every citizen of Konoha with taijutsu before any one of them could blink.**

* * *

 **Family Matters #4**

* * *

The Rinnegan is the greatest dojutsu in the world.

That is a fact.

It's ocular prowess is a match for that of the Sharingan, but that is the _least_ impressive of its abilities.

The Rinnegan seems to be unlocked in a Sharingan wielder who cultivates the chakra of the sage of six paths within their body. Why this was achieved when I absorbed Hashirama's chakra, and not between any other Uchiha and Senju, I do not know. Regardless, here are its abilities.

The Preta Path- Can absorb chakra, consuming ninjutsu or directly draining an opponent.

The Naraka Path- Can summon the king of hell. The king of hell can completely heal harmed or even crippled ninja, repair Paths, and can tell when people are lying, and kill them instantly if they are grappled.

The Animal Path- Can summon a menagerie of giant animal summons and see through their eyes. Can also summon other people or Paths.

The Human Path- Can rip a person's soul out at close range, killing them instantly and reading their mind.

The Asura Path: can sprout extra mechanical limbs, and fire missiles, lasers, etc.

The Deva Path: Flight, powerful omnidirectional projections of force, general telekinesis, and the ability to form 'Chibaku Tensei' planetoids to seal hostiles inside or just use as projectiles.

The Outer Path: use chains and rods to emit and absorb chakra. Operate up to six corpses as extra bodies in combat, which can (but do not have to) each be given one Path (though this will prevent the rinnegan user using that path directly.) Corpses used retain all abilities and bloodline limits from their life, but are directly under the rinnegan user's control, who can see through all their eyes simultaneously.

The outer path also allows the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path to be summoned, into which bijuu can be stored, and unlocks the technique 'Rinne Rebirth.' This is a jutsu that can resurrect (truly, from the dead) a staggering amount of individuals based on the user's chakra expenditure. It's only limits are that it can only restore people who's souls are in the pure lands, and it is a suicide jutsu that will always kill the user.

The drawbacks to Rinnegan overuse manifest as massive bodily weakness and even becoming crippled (especially in those who have transplanted the eye, rendering costs greater).

This is not due to any naturally corruptive process, like that of the Mangekyo Sharingan, but rather the _immense_ chakra costs on every single technique's use...

-Uchiha stone tablet, author unknown

( _Okay but it's totally Madara, right? -Itachi)_

* * *

"Shit! He's got him!"

"More details, Hinata!"

Leaving Itachi and Fugaku laying in the woods might have _seemed_ a bad idea, but the two-thirds of team 7 who had done it felt they were pretty damn justified given the fact that Konoha had just been-

 _You know what! We're just not going to think about that right now!_

Now; the speed of Sasuke and Hinata meant that the journey of many kilometres could be made in under ten seconds, even as exhausted as they were.

However, that also meant that other things could happen in that time. For instance, Hinata's Byakugan had just shown her the most ridiculously epic battle she'd ever seen. And, even in that short a time, it was over.

"I think this is Pain!" She told Sasuke. "Six people with identical eyes and chakra, but different powers! Naruto fought him, using some power I can't even see!"

"And?"

"Only one is left! But Naruto's on the ground!"

The evidence was provided a moment later, when both of them leapt from the woods, cleared the sill of the pit, and dropped down, gaining a clear view of what was going on.

Naruto looked up at them, eyes widening. He had black rods sticking out of his arms, legs, and back; which the dojutsu of his would-be rescuers showed were doing _something_ to his chakra.

"H-Hina-" His voice cracked, and then he started screaming at them. "No! Get out of here!"

The orange haired man turned-

There was a subsonic boom. Black fire and white crystal blossomed, but a sphere of force outbound from Pain caught both techniques, forcing both straight back where they came from. Sasuke and Hinata both dodged the flak, pushing to close the distance, both generating a chidori and coming at Pain from different angles, but he held out one hand and Hinata was frozen in place, lifted bodily off the floor and made to hover, and then Pain's other hand slapped away Sasuke's chidori with pitiful ease and struck his chest with a flat palm, throwing him backwards.

Hinata substituted with some rubble, teleporting out of the grip and appearing behind Pain, but he simply booted her backwards before her attack could land, turning to grip her in his telekinesis again and throw her in the opposite direction.

She landed in a heap with Sasuke.

"What in Kami's name has this guy been eating..." Sasuke groaned, standing up. The fact that Pain was fast enough to react to Hinata was bad enough, but even with the s _haringan_ Sasuke hadn't been able to predict him, and that was even worse.

"Shinra Tensei has a cooldown!" Naruto shouted to them, desperately. "Five milliseconds! Actually, ignore that, just GO!"

"Run. Live." Pain simply told them. "Nobody else but the nine-tails host has to die today."

"Those who fail their missions are trash." Sasuke and Hinata chorused. "But those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash."

The former looked at the latter, and threw a quick genjutsu her way.

 _'I'm running on fumes, and so are you. We need to free Naruto. He might be the only one who has a chance against this guy.'_

Hinata fired one back, _'any plans?'_

 _'How fast's your white-body-thingy?'_

 _'_ Very _.'_

 _'Go for our teammate. I'll buy you your time.'_

Both turned back to Pain, who was simply stood there waiting patiently.

There was a flash, and Sasuke's Susanno burst into existence again as he charged straight for his adversary. The skeleton punched once, twice, impacts that made the stone around their target buckle, but Pain just _caught_ the things on his forearms.

Annoying, but part of the plan.

Hinata's Vishnu wrapped around her body, and she threw up a giant cone of debris behind her from the sheer speed as she beelined diagonally towards Naruto. Not stopping, she pulled up the lionfists as her best option for smashing the black rods to pieces, intending to jump straight over Naruto and sever them all in one swing.

Pain tried to reach out his hand towards her, but Sasuke (hoping the somatic component was essential for his telekinesis) conjured up the magatama beads and wrapped them around Pain's arms, trapping them in front of him.

 _I'm gonna black out in the next two seconds from the drain, but maybe-_

Hinata reached her target, jumping, bringing lionfists round.

"Bansho Ten'in." Pain intoned.

Hinata was yanked towards Pain, the universal pull snatching her when she was barely _millimetres_ from Naruto, Sasuke cried out in alarm as he was pulled out from _inside the Susanno_ , and the purple avatar vanished, as did the beads around Pain's arms.

He reached out, and grabbed both ninja by the skull, holding them aloft, and digging in with his fingers.

They screamed.

"No." On the floor, Naruto looked at him in horror. "No, please. Don't. Please, not them, I don't-please I don't _have anyone else_ -"

"You would not leave even if I offered now, would you?" Pain asked his two captives.

"Fuck you." Hinata spat.

"Aw; I don't know man, maybe you should, ngh, try and see." Sasuke gasped out.

"Let them go." Naruto begged. "Please, you already have me, they're no threat to you, just-"

"Hm. Why is it that you care so much?" Said the Path, to the two people in his hands. "Without using your cute little words like 'teammate' to dodge the question. Even knowing it is hopeless, why must you die trying to save him?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

There was a brief pause.

Nobody breathed, in that interval. But Sasuke looked at Hinata, and Hinata looked at Sasuke, and both of them looked at Naruto. Both felt a certain...warmth, that they had both said the exact same thing at the exact same time.

And then Pain squeezed, and their skulls crushed inwards.

Everything went red.

* * *

Naruto knelt in the river that represented his chakra, and sobbed.

He was briefly aware of combat happening. That the chakra receivers Pain had put in his body had simply evaporated as he brought out more Kyuubi chakra than he ever had before.

The mind breaking effects of the overabundance of yang chakra didn't seem to be reaching him, curiously enough. Though his body was tearing what was left of the terrain to shreds, screaming, roaring, trying with every fibre of its being to stamp out the man who had taken everything from him...his mind simply knelt, and cried.

" **You know, I pity you**." The Kyuubi said, casually, from behind its bars. Naruto's attempts to make the mindscape more interesting had crumbled; it was a sewer again. " **Honestly, I do.** "

Naruto didn't reply.

" **I actually know those eyes**." Continued the Fox. " **The man who's using them against you isn't their original owner. Hmm...actually, he might be. The sage of six paths had the Rinnegan; he's the one who created us. I have a feeling Madara might have gotten a hold of them; he never had them when I saw him, but, well, Madara's _Madara_. That's the one who controlled me, by the way. The first time I attacked the village. Not sure about the second, really. Mask and Sharingan, about all I can give you to go on there.**"

Outside, the fight was going poorly. None of their attacks seemed to be _doing_ anything.

" **Want me to give you the next tail of power?** " The Kyuubi offered.

Naruto, who had stopped crying at some point, nodded. "Sure. Go six. Or, seven. Eight. Fuck it, I don't care anymore..."

The fox shrugged, but obliged.

Their outside form shifted, cells growing, dying, and growing again, the red aura manifesting more solidly as bone and flesh. A claw caught Pain, and threw him almost a hundred metres deep into the earth.

" **This is why I made sure to hate you**." The Kyuubi mused. " **Not just the whole 'captured forever' thing. Because _loving_ anything is a waste of time. If you love anything in this world, there'll always be someone that comes along to take it from you. Hate's easier.**"

On the outside, Pain shouted something. The rocks around them shifted, floating upwards, taking the jinchurikki with them.

" **Huh**." The Kyuubi mused. " **I know that move. Hagoromo made the moon with it**."

"Oh, really?" Naruto asked, quietly.

" **Yeah. Think he wanted to trap his mum in it, or something. I wasn't paying too much attention when he explained it.** "

"Yeah? I know that feeling. When the teacher's droning on, and it's just not that interesting?" Naruto laughed. There was nothing in the sound.

Their view of the outside seemed to cut off, their body wasn't seeing anything, hearing anything. They were within the planetoid.

The Kyuubi frowned. " **Ugh. That's not good. I can't break out of this thing. Or, I could, at max power, but-** "

"You want out?"

That stopped the Fox in its tracks. " **Come again?** "

"You want me to let you out?" Naruto repeated, standing up and walking over. "It sounds like he has some nasty plans for you if we can't get you out of this thing."

A great eye peered down at Naruto. " **I...thought I'd have to convince you a little more.** "

The boy shrugged. "I reckon whatever you do, you'll kill him if you can. If I don't let you out, we're stuck in here. He wins, and all of this was for nothing."

" **You are aware,** " the Kyuubi began, " **that when you let me out I will kill you.** "

"Yeah." Naruto nodded. "That's probably for the best, really."

The Fox paused, and looked at him. For the first time, the beast's face seemed to register genuine concern. " **I...I don't _have_ to kill you to escape. I could probably get out of here with just eight tails-**"

"Yeah I figured." Naruto replied, calmly. "Do it anyway. He's taken _everything_ , whiskers. I...I don't have anything left."

" **...For the record.** " Kyuubi said. " **I wasn't actually going to destroy everything you loved, if you let me go. I just...I just wanted to be alone**."

"You'll get to give it a try, then." Naruto tried for a smile. "Just a heads up though? Trust me when I say, being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be."

He reached up to the central bar in the Kyuubi's cage, and snatched the sticky note right off of it, closing his eyes in preparation for the inevitable.

...And nothing happened.

Naruto frowned, opened his eyes, and looked down at the sticky note.

'lock' was scribbled on the side he'd always seen. Turning it over to the flip side, he saw 'in case of emergency, rip me'.

"Four years, four years, the one thing in your head that isn't there from the nine tails and you don't even bother to check the other side of it..." Naruto muttered to himself, then tore the paper in two.

That got a reaction.

There was a flash of white light in the chamber, behind Naruto, who turned and put a hand over his eyes to try and make out the form that had just appeared.

The fox saw it first. " **Oh, you've got to be kidding me. You're supposed to be dead!** "

"Well." Namikaze Minato shrugged. "I suppose technically I am." He turned to smile at Naruto. "Hey, kid. Look at you, all grown up. Last I saw you, you were a baby."

"You're the fourth Hokage." Naruto gaped. "You're the one that put _him_ into me!"

Minato chuckled. "That's true. I'm so, so sorry that that was necessary. You were just a baby, and Kushina told me right from the start that if I got you involved in all this crap before you were old enough she'd, and I quote, 'beat my ass four ways to Sunday and not give me any sex for a month'."

Naruto blinked. "Um. Come again?"

"Oh, right." Minato straightened. "Big reveal time. Ahem. _Kakashi never told you what happened to your father."_

"He told me enough." Naruto replied in a monotone, dutifully. "He told me you killed him."

" _No, Naruto._ I _am your father."_

"Yeah, I know."

 _"Joim me, and together-_ come again?"

"Yeah I sort of figured that part out about two years ago." Naruto shrugged. "Nice to get it confirmed before I die, though."

Minato looked thoroughly put out. "What? How? Who told you?"

"I spent four years training with Jiraiya." Naruto pointed out. "Between him, Kakashi, and granny Tsunade, they couldn't quite keep straight all the cool stuff my cool ninja dad did and all the cool stuff the fourth Hokage did. Plus your relationship with Uzumaki Kushina (you know, the only Uzumaki in the village, even if I hadn't been told she was my mum) wasn't as secret as you tried to keep it."

"Fuckin' Konoha rumour mill." Minato sighed, looking thoroughly dejected.

"Anyway, how are you here?" Naruto asked.

" **Yeah, what Kit said.** " The nine-tails growled. " **I stabbed your ass, I'm sure of it.** "

"Okay, well, I'm not actually 'here'." Minato explained. "Minato is in the belly of the reaper. Trick is, when you sell your soul to the god of death to do some sealing jutsu, you basically get to do whatever the hell you want. You're talking to a fragment of Minato's chakra that's capable of mimicking his consciousness for about five seconds, and we've only expended one of those so far."

"That sounds like total bullshit." Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah well you see," said the Kage, "I'm Namikaze Minato. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

"Fair enough."

"Anyway, why the hell are you trying to free the Kyuubi?" Minato glared at his son. "Let me guess; fighting someone? Actually, let me just take a look at your memories-Oh, _Fuck_. That's bad."

"Yeah." Naruto grimaced. "Sorry, I let your village get blown up."

"Yeah, fuck, alright." Minato blew out a breath between his lips, making a 'pthfphfth' sound. "Okay, that's bad, that is bad...Alright, I think I can get you out of here. You've still got some sage chakra left, and now that you know what this 'Pain' guy can do-"

"I don't want to."

That made Minato look up, sharply. "You what?"

"He killed my teammates." Naruto told him, brokenly. "Right in front of me. Jiraiya was my mentor for years, and he's dead too. And so's Iruka, and Ichiraku, and Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Sakura, Haku, Kakashi, they're just... _gone_ , now. Forever. If I get out there, and beat him, and then stand up in the wreckage of everything I've ever loved...what would I do?"

"Oh, you poor thing..." Minato took two steps forwards, and wrapped Naruto in a hug. "I'm so sorry. If I'd known about everything you were going to go through, I would have found a way to be here."

"But you weren't." Naruto extricated himself from the hug. "Look, I know you care and all, but..." He winced. "You're not my dad. You're the fourth Hokage. I don't _know_ you."

Minato looked hurt, but nodded. "That's...fair. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you die here."

"You can't exactly stop me." Naruto pointed out.

"I can damn well try."

"How do I let out the tentacle fox, _sir_."

" **I don't think you need him for that**." Kyuubi pointed out. " **I think if you just** -"

"Okay, Fox, how about you just shut up? For a minute?" Minato glared at it.

" **How about I tell Kit how little your dick is, huh? I saw everything Kushina saw, remember**."

Minato groaned. "Kami, it was hard enough to deal with you when I was hearing your comments filtered through my wife...Look, Naruto. Would your teammates want you to do this?"

Naruto stopped. Glared. "That's a fucking low blow."

"Would they?" Minato persisted.

"How the fuck would I know? We've got pretty categorical proof the afterlife exists, maybe they just want to see me again."

"And now you're trying to lie to yourself. Something I understand you used to do a lot, before you met them."

"Oh, read my mind, that's fair-"

"Whatever I am to you, you're my _son_." Minato told him. "Naruto, you have been through hell and back, and you've never once given up before."

"Well what the _hell_ are my motives supposed to be?" Naruto shouted at him, eyes red and puffy. "I can't prove the village wrong, they're dead! I can't succeed for my friends, they're dead! _Dead_!"

"Then _honour_ them." Minato stressed. "Be the person that they would want you to be."

Naruto clenched his eyes shut. "Prick." He grimaced. "We don't all get to sacrifice ourselves to save our friends, you know. Some of us have to be the ones who live afterwards."

Minato didn't reply.

Almost a full second of real time passed.

Then Naruto hissed out a breath, and opened his eyes, turning to the cage bars. "Kyuubi." He said. "I'm gonna have to do a rain check on that freeing you thing."

" **Oh, _fuck_ you**-"

"A _temporary_ one. I'm going to kill this bastard, and then I'm going to report to Tsunade, and then I'm going to give my teammates a burial. After that, all bets are off."

The nine-tails huffed, and turned its head away. " **I'll take it. You're bigger than your dad, by the way**."

" _Did not need to know that_." Naruto looked back at his dad. "So? How do I get out of here?"

Minato grinned, and put his hands together. "Oh don't you worry. I'm the yellow flash, remember? If there's one thing I'm good at, it's getting out of-what happened to my knives."

"You what?"

Minato frowned. "The three-pronged kunai. There should be a bunch of those in a box somewhere."

"Oh, yeah, those." Naruto winced. "I, uh, tore all the seals off them to replace them with explosive tags. And then I blew them all up."

"Oh for..." Minato rolled his eyes. "Right, lets see if there are others...okay, there's one!" He looked across to Naruto. "Are you ready? All my chakra's gonna go when I do this. This is the last you'll see of me."

Naruto thought. Then managed to smile with some semblance of real emotion. "Yeah. I think I know everything I need to."

"You got it, squirt." Minato grinned. "I am so damn proud of you. Flying Thunder God!"

* * *

"Dammit you bastard, get up-"

"Ma'am, he's dead! I'm sorry Lady Hokage, but he's not getting up."

Tsunade took her hands away, and angrily wiped tears away from her eyes. "What's the point in being the best fucking medic in the five nations, huh? What's even the fucking _point_?" She stood up.

In front of her, the broken remains of Hatake Kakashi lay half submerged in dirt and debris. It was obvious, when she looked, that he'd been dead before the village-wiping attack had even struck, and then been tossed away from the explosion's centre.

She turned around, looking at the ninja with her. Less than fifty people had survived out of a population in the tens of thousands, less than twenty of those in fighting shape. There was no way it was enough. She looked up in desperation at the village's only hope; encased in a giant stone planetoid floating high above the remnants of the village. _Come on Naruto. If you're alive in there...please don't give up yet._

Unnoticed by the group, one of Kakashi's many pockets had ripped in the chaos. Sticking out of that pocket, just catching the light, was the tip of a very peculiar kunai.

Tsunade was about to turn away and look for anyone else to help, when (without a poof of smoke, flash of light, or even a flicker to belay it's activation) a certain orange figure appeared next to Kakashi's body. He looked down at it, grimaced, and looked back up, to where Tsunade had just jumped halfway out of her skin. "Wha-, Naru-"

"Ma'am. Permission to leave the village." Asked the blond, eyes hard.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes. "For what purpose, Chunin?"

"To give the terrorist back his moon." Naruto told her.

"...Permission granted."

* * *

In a cave in the mountains, Nagato was coughing up blood.

On flat ground some distance away, the remaining path of Pain looked up at his handiwork. And frowned. "Am I tripping, or is that chibaku tensei getting bigger?"

The chibaku tensei didn't reply. It just built up speed.

The Deva path's eyed widened. "Shinra Tens-"

About five million kilograms of moon _SLAMMED_ into Pain, shattering into uncountable pieces, and it was followed up by about fifty kilograms of screaming, angry Naruto.

The latter being much more terrifying.

The impact of the planetoid colliding with Pain's hastily thrown up defence dug him deeper into the earth, it's entire structure falling apart around him,

"HOW?" He shouted. "THE CHIBAKU TENSEI IS DESIGNED TO SEAL IN THE BIJUU! HOW DID YOU ESCAPE?"

A hand gripped his shoulder. And the sage, the jinchurikki, the hero, said:

"Because I'm Uzumaki Naruto. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

And a Rasengan colluded with the side of Pain's head.

* * *

"Move, Nagato!"

"Do I look like I'm in a state to move?"

"Then I'll _carry_ you, just let me get you out of that damn-"

"It's alright, Konan." Nagato told her, quietly. "He's won. There's nowhere we can run faster than he can."

"He's right." Said a voice from the behind them.

Both looked up. Naruto was stood in the cave's entrance. He chucked one of the black rods to the floor, and it rolled to a stop in front of them. "Cute trick." He remarked. Then, "Aw fuck me, I'm starting to sound like some sort of edgy shonen protagonist."

"A kid." Konan looked at him in disgust. "This is Konoha's greatest weapon? He's, what, sixteen?"

"And how old were we when we first fought in a war?" Pain asked, rhetorically. "Konan. Please go."

She spun back to him. "No. I'm not ditching you to-"

"He will kill you, Konan." Pain was, to his credit, completely ignoring Naruto in favour of his lover. "Please. I cannot lose another teammate."

"Unlike shrivelled-ribs over here, I don't make a habit of murdering the loved ones of my targets." Naruto told her. "If you surrender, you'll live. If you run, it'll be a while before you're followed."

Konan glared at him. Sheets of white paper began to flake off her body. "I don't care if it's a one in a hundred chance. A one in a thousand. I'll risk it to save him. What do you think your teammates would have done?"

Naruto looked down. "I already know. So I suppose I should respect that." He looked back up, orange appearing around his eyes-

"Rinne Tensei." Nagato said, interrupting the rising tensions.

Konan turned around and stared at him in horror. "What? No-"

"I'm using it." Nagato told her. "Whatever happens. So that one in a thousand chance won't win you anything but ashes. Please don't throw your life away as a matter of principle. Rain needs you."

"...you son of a bitch." Konan said, quietly. She turned back, walked over to him, and placed a kiss on his cheek, before vanishing into a flurry of paper.

Naruto took the time to have a proper look at his opponent. Nagato was...pitiful, really. He looked stretched, beyond anorexic and into grossly unwell. Blood-red hair fell down to his shoulders in matted, unkept clumps. His skin was ash grey, and covered in sweat.

Naruto looked him up and down. "Oh, that's not fair. You've got a bigger dick than me."

"...What." Nagato replied.

"Sage mode. I can see everything." Naruto replied. "It's kinda bullshit, really, look at the _rest_ of you. Is this why paper-chan stuck with you? Because, like, fair enough-"

"Oh, by Kami, you're just like Jiraiya." Nagato groaned. "Always," he coughed, "always making your _jokes_ , even at times like this. What is it, a coping mechanism?"

"What, you never understood that?" Naruto tilted his head. "We just try and make people smile. It's our way of making the world a better place."

"Making the world a better place...you really think it's that simple?" Nagato asked.

"Gotta try something." Naruto shrugged. "What was _your_ plan?"

"Kidnap all nine tailed beasts, use them to power the demonic statue of the outer path, use it as a superweapon to enforce peace on every corner of the world with threat of annihilation." Nagato replied, calmly.

Naruto blinked. "Huh. Yeah, that's a lot better thought out. People would lose all their freedom though."

"Would they take freedom even if it meant more pain?"

"Maybe. People tend to do that." Naruto paused. "I once heard this thing, I think the old man once taught it in a manipulation class. He said that if you promise someone 50 ryo for doing something, you'll get so many people to do it. But if you give them 5 ryo, unconditionally, and _then_ ask them, you'll get way more. There were studies, and everything. I just thought, 'Huh. Ain't it weird that even though I'm learning how to kill people for a living, it turns out that it does pay to just be _nice_ sometimes?'."

Nagato looked at him, closely. "Really? I never got that lesson. Never got any lesson, really. My world was always war. Maybe if it hadn't been, I might have grown up differently...but here we are." He coughed, again. "What will happen to my village?"

"Rain will have to negotiate with the Hokage-" Naruto began,

" _I_ lead Hidden Rain. And I'm negotiating with you." Nagato told him, flatly.

"Well they'll probably be charged with a declaration of war, ordered to surrender and pay us back for the shit you've done. We might just invade them and move Konoha there, given our entire populace is gone. Depends what your waifu does when she gets back. We won't go slaughtering innocent civilians, if that's what you're asking."

"About as good a deal as I could have expected." Nagato winced, then did something with his wrists, and freed his hands from the restraints they were in. He put them together in front of himself, and Naruto conjured a Rasengan as warning, but something told him the other Uzumaki wasn't preparing an attack.

"An unconditional offer is of more worth than a conditional one, you said?" Nagato asked him. "Very well. Here is mine. Samsara of heavenly life technique: Rinne Tensei."

Naruto _felt_ the technique. Felt it in his every nerve. Nagato's chakra, and more than that, his _soul_ , was poured into the move, and Naruto's sage mode let him see as the freaking demon head appeared out of the ground again. It opened its mouth and... _something_ came out. Something greater than Naruto had ever seen.

"It's been...what, five minutes...since I started the attack?" Nagato wheezed. His hair was going white. "That's lucky. The further into the past I reach, the harder the technique gets..."

"What-" Naruto gulped. "What did you just do?"

"I undid the attack. How would Jiraiya say it...'It's just a prank, bro.' Hah, hahah, haaah..." Nagato's arms slumped downwards, as did his head. "Make sure to...hold them close, understand? I...wish I had had longer...with my team."

"You undid-" Naruto's voice cut off with a gasp, as he sensed what was happening back in Konoha.

"Goodbye, cousin. If nothing else...you were the best fight...I've ever had. The Akatsuki's true mission, Naruto...it was to save the world. I hereby...entrust that mission...to you."

Nagato sucked in one last breath. "Oh, and...there's one...last, thing...I absolutely have to tell you..." he trailed off.

"...Nagato?" Naruto asked. There was no response. He reached forwards and put his hand to the man's neck. No pulse.

"...Motherfucker."

* * *

"MOVE THE RUBBLE!"

"We'll help sense the civilians, get them out!"

"C'mon, we have whole seconds until they run out of air, that's forever!"

"We still have a chance to do this all with zero deaths but only if we get everyone to healers Right Now!"

Naruto's shadow clones (exhausted as he was, he had only been able to make a hundred or so) were spearheading the rescue efforts of the suddenly alive and healthy Leaf citizens who suddenly found themselves in terrible positions such as hanging off ledges, laying at the bottom of a body of water, or trapped under twenty feet of rock and brick dust.

The actual Naruto wasn't paying any attention to any of that.

"Where are they, where the hell are they-" he growled to himself, shoving people aside. _Shouldn't have exhausted all the sage chakra this side of hidden Sand, now I can't sense them..._

Eventually, he had an idea, and cupped his mouth with his hands.

"The Nine-tails Jinchurikki is a monster!" He shouted as loud as he could.

"FIGHT ME!" Immediately responded two voices. _There they are._ He started sprinting in their direction.

Eventually, the crowds parted, and Naruto locked his eyes onto two people who had clearly been doing the same thing in the opposite direction.

Hinata and Sasuke saw him, and they both grinned.

The sheer _relief_ Naruto felt in that moment almost drove him to his knees.

The trio crashed into each other, with a hug that would have crushed civilians to dust.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"THANK FUCK!"

"YOU WERE DEAD!" Naruto buried his head in the clothing of one of them, he didn't even care. "You were, oh Kami, I was so, I thought I was alone again-"

"We're here." Hinata told him. "We're here, we're alive, and none of us are ever leaving again, understand?"

"Never." Sasuke agreed. "We're a motherfucking team, right?"

They were all crying, beat up and bruised, stood in the middle of a wasteland. Konoha had been flattened, thousands were homeless, attempts at repairs hadn't even begun yet and the consequences of the event would be unimaginable.

None of it mattered.

Team seven was back together again, and in that moment, no force in the world could have torn them apart.

* * *

 **Aww. We got edge, we got comedy, we got star wars references, and we got adorables. All the right ingredients, I reckon.**

 **No, a certain statement did not (as many people have asked me for various reasons) mean this will end with a weird team 7 threesome situation.**

 **Everything else...well, speaks for itself.**

 **Aftermath is next week. Stay tuned.**


	65. Aftermath 7: Confessions

**Aftermath #7: Confessions**

* * *

"...Which brings us to today." Hinata finished.

The three were sat in one of the many makeshift hospital rooms that had been created in the area. Itachi Uchiha was lying unconscious on the cot.

"Wait wait wait, hold on." Naruto held up a hand, counting on his fingers. "So I killed Kakuzu and Pain, Sasuke killed Hidan and Sasori, you killed Deidara (who I thought I killed but I didn't), Orochimaru and Neji. Wait, crap, that puts you in the lead-"

"I won't take the Orochimaru point." Hinata waved it off. "He left the Akatsuki long before we ever met him."

"You know," Sasuke hedged, "technically since Neji was betraying the Akatsuki-"

"Don't push your luck." She narrowed her eyes.

"Alright, alright. So we're...tied? Huh." Sasuke blinked. "What happens if we destroy the Akatsuki completely and we're all even?"

"Everyone does the forfeit?" Naruto offered. "We just...all hand-feed each other? That could be funny."

"Or we all make two shadow clones that have to dote on the others for the period." Sasuke chipped in. "Not that it matters, either way. I'll just go off alone and kill all the remaining Akatsuki myself, then I can finally get compensation for all the shit you guys put me through."

"Heh. Oh, and speaking of going off alone..." Naruto turned, and looked pointedly at Hinata.

The Hyuuga exhaled, loudly. "Right, yeah, time to stop putting this off..." she looked up at both of them. "Okay. Look, I'm not sorry for wanting revenge."

"Oh, of course-" Sasuke rolled his eyes-

" _Please_ , let me finish." Hinata cut across him, pain clear in her voice. "I'm not sorry for wanting revenge. Neji needed to be stopped. And I can't apologise for hating him; because it would be the same as giving up on a part of myself. But...I am sorry that I left the Leaf. That part...I mean yes, Orochimaru made me stronger, but how much stronger? It's not like he's the only one who could have found out how to unlock the Gokei, and if I'd stayed I could have shared my knowledge with you, and..." she sighed. "I should have stayed with my village. With my _team_. Yes, Neji needed to go down, but we should have taken him down together. Especially now knowing what was going on behind the scenes..."

She paused, then got down on her knees, and put her forehead to the floor. "I fucked up real bad, and I almost got everyone I love killed. I'm so, so, sorry. Please forgive me."

The two boys looked at each other.

"...you recorded that on the Sharingan, right?" Naruto asked.

"Of course." Sasuke smirked, looking back down. "Get up, Hyuuga."

She did, slowly, and he met her eyes. "Do you promise never to run off again without our express permission?"

"I do." She nodded.

"Alright then." Naruto pronounced. "You're off the hook. Welcome back to team 7, Hinata."

Her face lit up like a Christmas tree, and she crashed into the two of them for another group hug.

"Yeah, alright. Also don't try and murder my brother again." Sasuke reminded her, disentangling himself. "Oh, speaking of. You gonna stop pretending you're asleep yet?"

There was a shuffle and a sigh as Itachi (obviously struggling) sat up in bed. "Sorry. You were having a moment."

That was when the door slammed open and an exhausted looking Kakashi staggered through, collapsing into a sitting position against the wall. "This...was the most intense day I've had since the third ninja war."

"Is Haku around?" Naruto checked.

"Headed our to report to the Mizukage."

"Then everyone who's...left..." the Uzumaki's face darkened for a moment, but he shook it off, "from the Squad is here. Alright; sound off. Who's dead?"

* * *

"Well." Kakashi began. "Good news; due to the fortuitous intervention of our healing squad and many, many Naruto, we've actually managed to do this without any casualties."

"Woooooooo..." came the muffled cheering from everyone else.

"Situation with Rain?" Itachi asked.

"Ask the diplomat." Kakashi shrugged, looking pointedly at Naruto, who coughed.

"Ahem. Well, as ~official~ manager of diplomacy with hidden Rain..."

* * *

 **Like, an hour ago**

Konan walked through a chaotic sea of displaced villagers, most of whom completely ignored her, making her way towards where a very tired looking Uzumaki was shouting orders at the top of his lungs.

"THERE'S ONE UNDER THAT HOUSE, GET ONE OF THE EARTH STYLE USERS TO SHIFT THE DEBRIS AND JUST-oh, hey, it's you." He turned, and finally took notice of her.

"Uzumaki Naruto." She inclined her head.

"Uh, hey. K...Kogami?"

"Konan."

"Yeah, thought so." He jumped down from his perch, a particularly large pile of rubble, until he was face to face with her. "So...need something?"

Konan held out her arm, and a bouquet of paper flowers appeared in her hand. She offered it to him.

He frowned. "Uh, is this a romantic thing?"

"It's a symbol of our surrender." She sighed, a small smile tugging at one corner of her mouth for a moment. "That is to say, the surrender of the Rain village."

"Right, got it." He hesitantly reached out and took the bouquet. "This is actually really nice, I'll keep this. Uh, do you have any conditions?"

"Please don't murder us all." She replied.

"Right, concise. As I said in the cave, I'm not gonna let anyone go slaughtering civilians in your village." Naruto looked around. "Shouldn't you be talking to Tsunade about this sort of thing?"

"Nagato overcame your whole village, and you overcame him." She replied, flatly. "You're the one with the negotiating power here."

Naruto paused, and let that sink in. "...Oh. Right. Uh, yeah. We'll not screw you over, I promise."

"Wouldn't mind that in writing, but I'll take it." Konan replied. "I'd also like to formally offer Rain village's help wherever it is required. I'm aware gathering lumber might be easier to do from the forests surrounding you, but if you require food, water or other supplies while you are rebuilding, you need only ask. We are not a rich village, but if you want coin, we'll give you what we can."

"Okay, for all that you _will_ have to talk to someone else." Naruto pointed out. "I have no idea how to rebuild a village."

"Alright." She hesitated. "There's one other thing. Did Nagato tell you about..."

"Tell me about what?" Naruto blinked.

"I suppose not then." She looked to one side. "Well suffice it to say, I recommend that you make your way to Rain as soon as possible. There's something you'll need to see."

* * *

"I sent her off to talk to some clever people, and they hashed something out. Then she took Pain's bodies and left." Naruto finished. "Konan's the only other ninja in Rain, apparently. Even if she is S-rank, they're not going to be threatening Konoha again."

"And the Akatsuki?" Kakashi asked.

"Scattered." Itachi said, from his bed. "Pain was the leader, and from what Neji told me, the whole 'gather the Bijuu' plan was all his idea. Without him to lead them...the remaining members are Kisame (the animal) Zetsu (the info guy) and Tobi. The maniac. None of them are going to be organising anything any time soon."

"I wouldn't be so sure about Tobi." Hinata spoke up, frowning. "The madness is an act."

"Neji only ever got second person accounts of him." Itachi said, curious. "What, is there more to him?"

"It's complicated. Tell you all later."

"So, we can actually take a break for once?" Sasuke asked, with a hopeful smile.

The smile died when he saw Kakashi's expression. "Aw shit."

"Yeah." Kakashi cracked his neck. "Want the indifferent news, the bad news, or the worse news?"

"Let's just have them in that order." Naruto advised.

"Got it. The indifferent news: the other Kage want to know what the fuck's going on. Remember that all the tailed beasts except the eight and nine tails are still missing? They've called a Kage summit to discuss the problem."

"A what now?" Naruto asked.

"Kage summit." Hinata supplied. "All the Kage meet up in the independent land of Iron to discuss ongoing events. Always massively tense; all the strongest ninja in the world in one room."

"Okay, that's manageable." Naruto shrugged. "We get Tsunade to go up there and go 'hey, the Akatsuki's screwed, our village is trashed but we're fine (don't even think about it), and we're working on the Bijuu.' Easy."

"Well, not quite." Kakashi cringed. "Bad news: Tsunade...is in a coma."

" _She fucking what_?" Both Uchiha shouted at once, the elder devolving into a coughing fit afterwards.

"All those perfectly alive Konohanians that we had to pull out the rubble had to be healed of all their injuries. Plenty of them were in mortal condition." Kakashi told them. "Tsunade pushed herself past her breaking point keeping them all alive. She's completely out of it, and we don't know when she'll wake. Days, weeks, maybe months, maybe never. Haku, Ino and Sakura all had to be pulled away before they ended up in the same condition."

"That's...not super doparino for me, guys, imma be honest." Itachi spoke up.

Sasuke looked across at him. "What do you...oh, fuck. The illness."

The older Uchiha tried his best to sit up properly. Even to Naruto, without any special dojutsu, it was plain that Itachi was in trouble. He looked almost as bad as _Nagato_ had, and even as they looked, blood leaked from the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah. Look, before he died, Neji compiled some info on my biology. We think it might be enough for Tsunade to heal me. But in all honesty, I'm not sure I'll make it a week without her. If she doesn't wake up in time..."

The room went silent for a few seconds.

"So..." Kakashi grinned under his mask. "Wanna hear the _even worse_ news?"

Sasuke shuddered. "How could the news get _worse_ -"

"Danzo's Hokage."

" _HE'S FUCKING WHAT?_ " Shouted everyone else in the room at once.

"Kage summit in a matter of days, remember?" Kakashi groused, amid cries of "BULLSHIT!" "THAT BASTARD!" and other such expletives. "But there wasn't even any debate, this time. It was announced just about immediately after Tsunade's condition was confirmed. They're not even pretending it isn't shady as hell; he hasn't even given a speech, just left for the summit."

"The man who orchestrated the murder of my entire family is now in charge of the village?" Hinata growled.

"Also he's made sure to reiterate that you are a criminal who needs to be hunted down, even though he almost definitely knows that Tsunade was down with your mission." Kakashi warned her. "You wouldn't think that would be a priority for him, but there you go."

Hinata exhaled, very slowly, and stood up. "Right. Where is he. I'm killing him."

"You _can't_." Sasuke emphasised. "This guy's been messing with things behind the scenes for years, if we-"

"Why not?"

There was a pause, in which Sasuke and Hinata looked across at Naruto.

"...Come again?"

"I said why not?" Naruto threw his arms wide. "I mean...look.

We are quite possibly the three strongest ninja in the whole of Konoha. I just saved the village. Sasuke runs the Uchiha clan now. Hinata's single handedly taken down the guy that killed the third Hokage."

"What are you implying?" Kakashi asked, looking at Naruto like he was about to propose an idea for a prank that would incorporate no less than five million ryo in property damage.

"I'm saying." Naruto continued. "If we just rock up and kill the Hokage...what's anyone gonna _do_ about it?"

There was a long silence.

Sasuke opened his mouth. Closed it.

"Even if he has blackmail material on every official in Konoha, that isn't going to matter if he's dead." Itachi pointed out.

"Exactly! And this dude is _pittance_ compared to us. Case in point, Pain killed him along with the rest of the village." Naruto exclaimed. "Think about it, we just rock up and kick his ass, go 'he's a traitor, Kakashi's in charge now', what are they gonna fucking do about it? Declare us enemies of Konoha? Attack us?"

Kakashi frowned. "I don't recall agreeing to-"

"You're proposing a benign hostile takeover of your _own village._ " Sasuke shook his head. "This is, by far, the craziest thing you've ever come up with, and I'm including the Incident with the Kage Statues and the Imported Fish."

"You're forgetting about the summit." Itachi pointed out. "Four other Kage, plus all their personal guard. I doubt they're going to be too happy about-"

"Then we go through them too." Hinata replied. She met Itachi's dumbstruck expression and shrugged. "I am sick and tired of people telling me 'no, you can't do that thing because of all these stupid rules you're supposed to follow.' Fuck it. Bring on the Kage. Let's bring this maniac to justice."

Sasuke looked between his teammates and gave a hysterical laugh. "Yeah, fuck it. Let's do this. Bring on the Kage."

Kakashi groaned and stood up. "Well, I'll go report that Hinata has mysteriously vanished to...whoever's the most senior ninja here. You three have three days to prepare."

He sauntered out the door.

Hinata looked at her teammates. "You know how we just established I'd need to ask you both before I ran off again..."

"Get gone, find us again on the way there." Sasuke waved her off, causing her to nod and start picking up her things.

Naruto then piped up, "Oh, and, Hinata?"

She turned and looked at him. "Yes?"

He ran his tongue over his teeth in indecision for a moment before finishing. "It's...good to have you back."

She blushed, and nodded. "It's good to be back."

Then she was gone.

Sasuke waited a few seconds before remarking "That was fucking pathetic."

"I know, I know, you don't have to rub it in-"

* * *

 **One hour later**

Sasuke returned to the medical room. Itachi was actually asleep this time, though he woke up when his sibling entered.

"Hey bro. How'd the meeting go?"

"Pretty well." Sasuke replied, coming up to sit on the bed. "I basically told the clan to sit down and be quiet until after the summit's over, and that we'll deal with everything later." He wrinkled his nose. "I swear my family was less annoying when I didn't have to give them orders."

"Was there resistance?" Itachi asked.

"Not really. I showed them all the fight with you and Dad and after that they basically tripped over themselves to make me clan head. They're just all so...petty. Bitchy. Aren't they supposed to be ninja?"

"Our clan is basically raised believing they're Kami's gift to the world." Itachi explained. "There's the ones who didn't fight in the war that are essentially spoiled brats, and the ones who did, who're a little more self aware but now they're old and bitter."

"Right..." Sasuke shifted in place.

Itachi noticed. "You're not sure what to think of me, are you?"

"It's not just the massacre." Sasuke admitted. "I...well, I wasn't that surprised when I learned the truth. It didn't strike me as something you wouldn't be willing to do, if that makes sense. It's more...everything else."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" Sasuke cut off, a little exasperated. "Back in the Chunin exams, I remember you told me you had been manipulating me, a little. I figured you meant that you were just trying to counter Dad's effect on me, but...it runs deeper than that, doesn't it?"

"Ever since Neji left, me and him have been trying to change the world." Itachi admitted. "We've had our fingers in so many pies I almost lose track sometimes. We manipulated politics in all five nations, brought down threats, built up allies. Do you know how many more missing-nin might have joined the Akatsuki if me and Neji hadn't dealt with them ahead of time? The records don't show it but we cleared out a massive chunk of the bingo book by ourselves. And then, of course, there's what I did at home."

"Every time you ever talked to me." Sasuke said, hollowly. "Every time you talked to _anyone_. It wasn't who you really were. It was what you felt like it would be most helpful to be."

Itachi responded, "No matter how hard you try to sculpt a mask, it always ends up being a self portrait. Sometimes I frowned at you when I wanted to smile, or vice versa. But I never tried to convince you I was some different person than I really am. Hell, do I seem much different now?"

"Tireder." Sasuke pointed out.

"Semantics."

"Well, how do I know you're not still wearing the mask now?"

"Ask the teammate that can tell when people are lying." Itachi chuckled. "But...no. No more masks, no more games. You're ready, brother. Ready to take on the world. There's nothing left for me to do, nothing left for me to say...I've done everything I can.

Except for one thing."

Sasuke turned and gave Itachi a _look_ , even though he knew his brother couldn't see it. "Well that was a hell of a suspicious way to end the sentence. Alright, what is it."

"Your Mangekyo." Itachi said, and Sasuke stiffened. "It's already highly degraded, I imagine. If you're going to get into a fight with the Kage, then you might run it down completely. But there is a way to get that eyesight back." He gulped, and continued. "If you transplanted the Mangekyo of a close family member, _my_ Mangekyo, then you'd unlock the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. EMS. Your eyesight would be restored, enhanced, you'd be able to use your ocular powers infinitely and at a reduced cost."

"Wait, hold on." Sasuke held up a hand. "You want me to rip both our eyeballs out and put yours in my sockets?"

"Of course not." Itachi scoffed. "I want you to get a medical professional to rip both our eyeballs out and put mine in your sockets."

"Not the point."

"It wouldn't even have to be Tsunade, you could get-"

"Not the point!" Sasuke shouted. "That's sick!"

"That's the Uchiha way." Itachi responded. "I told you that our eye was an eye of pain. From the stone tablet in our compound, Madara Uchiha once did this with his brother."

"But do you have to _die_?" Sasuke scrabbled for an idea. "What if we just swapped and you took mine?"

"That...might work, actually, but remember I'm dying anyway. It wouldn't help me."

"No." Sasuke shook his head. "I'm not doing it. Not unless I have to."

"Fair enough. It's a long process, and if you did it now you'd probably be blind for the Kage summit. But after..."

"I'll...think about it." Sasuke looked down. "I've told the clan to let Izuna go. I imagine she'll come here pretty soon. Bro...if you don't have anything left to do for us, maybe do some things for yourself, okay?"

Itachi "hmm"ed. "That's...not a bad shout. Thanks, Sasuke. I just might."

Sasuke patted his leg and stood up, walking to the door.

"You're telling me to get laid again before I die, right?"

"Shut up, asshole."

* * *

Naruto took in the plot of land that had once contained his house. There was little left but a large pile of stone rubble, cracked wooden floorboards and furniture, a few ramen containers scattered around the wreckage.

"I reckon this is an improvement, to be honest." He remarked aloud to himself. "Uzumaki Nagato; home improvement specialist."

Then he got to work.

Sasuke found him a few minutes later, amongst sorted piles of different material looking through what was left of his cupboards.

"Buddy, are we gonna get going?" Sasuke called over, backpack slung over one shoulder. "I promise you, there are ramen stores in Iron country, you don't have to loot your own house for half-ruined packets."

"That's not what I'm after!" Naruto shouted back, then "Aha!" He pulled a small, misshapen package out of a pile. "Here we go..."

"What's that?"

"A present!" Naruto slung it over his shoulder. "Explain later. How are things going in the village?"

"Still running pretty much entirely on Naruto-clone labour." Sasuke walked up. "You were right about one thing; after this you could probably kill an innocent man in public and they'd still think you're a hero. Those clones'll probably last until we get to Iron, so I think we can slip away now without much notice. I've packed enough for the trip and we're fast enough to make it in a matter of hours. Shall we get going?"

"Yeah, I'm good." Naruto walked over, but as Sasuke turned to go, he called out his friend's name, stopping him. "Hey, Sasuke? One more thing. About...what you said. Back when we were fighting Pain."

Sasuke paused, and grimaced. "Aw, shit. You know there's some things people only say when they're about to die, right? Because they aren't gonna have to deal with the consequences of it?"

"Yeah, I know." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "It's just...I've been mocking you for not getting a girlfriend for almost the last ten years and if that was because you liked _guys_ the whole time I feel kinda bad about it-"

"Oh my lord you absolute moron..." Sasuke growled, walking back up.

"I'm sorry I didn't-"

"Listen..." Sasuke began. "There is a very short list of people on this planet that I really, really care about. Now if you filter that list by 'hasn't horribly betrayed me at some point' then it comes back to just you. Now I'm pretty sure I'm most of the way done with this whole puberty malarkey and I've been waiting for the hormones everyone's so worried about to arrive, and they just...haven't? Like I've seen some attractive people but I've never gone 'whoa; damn, that's hot' or anything. Certainly never about _you_."

"Hey!"

"Point is I'm not trying to get into your pants, Naruto. I'm not trying to get into anyone's pants. Is there a word for that?"

Naruto squinted in thought. "Ace, I think?"

"Yeah, damn right I am." Sasuke grinned for a moment, before losing the smile. He put his hand on Naruto's shoulder. "But, um. Kami, I'm really bad at talking about my feelings...Look, I like you. And I mean that in the simplest, most basic, no strings attached way you can say it. You're my best friend and you've saved my life more than once. You're hilarious and ridiculous and an absolute disaster, and I'm pretty sure I'd die for you. Now I'm not sure if anything I feel is unusual for teammates, if this is infatuation, I mean it's not like my heart races when I see you or anything...but the carrot-top asked and I was panicking, so I answered."

Naruto nodded, slowly, thinking it through. "So what you're saying is...you're _not_ going to try and kiss me again."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not going to try and-wait, again? We've never kissed."

"I mean there was that _one_ time-"

Sasuke's eyes widened in realisation. "No, No! That _didn't_ happen."

"Everyone in the class saw it."

"No they didn't!"

"Yes they did." Naruto pointed out. "I know because of how embarrassing it was."

"It was an accident!"

"I know. That wasn't in doubt."

"We swore we would never speak of it again." Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, but I figured that if we were going to ever bring it up, now would be the time."

"Yeah but we didn't need to ever bring it up! What's Hinata gonna say if she hears that you lost your first kiss to me!"

"Uh, she already knows." Naruto reminded him. "She was there. I mean we were all, like, eight-hey, do you think that's when she started hating you?"

"Yo, actually, that might be it." Sasuke paused, then glared. "You're distracting me."

"I am." Naruto grinned. "Now stop acting all weird and insecure, you're not _you_ when you're not giving deadpan glares and sarcastic comments at everything."

"Prick." Sasuke chuckled. "Alright, lets move it."

Together, the duo darted away, moving out of Konoha's crater and into the distance.

"...for the sake of completeness, I wasn't mistaking Hinata's confession for something else was I?"

"Oh, no, she's absolutely in love with you."

"Oh, okay, got it."

* * *

 **And that's that. Sorry I'm a little late; I'm in university now and things have gotten hectic.**

 **Chapter ended up a lot more Sasuke-centric than I planned, but I suppose that's fair given how much focus Naruto and Hinata have had recently. And I hope I've cleared up some confusion regarding his declaration last chapter. I'm not trying to say that this is how he is in the show, but just about every main character is shown with some sort of libido (even for comedic effect) except him. Plus no straight guy does the hand-on-hip as fabulously as Sasuke can and that's a fact. Next chapter...I imagine you know where we're going.**


	66. The Kage Civil War 1

**Act VII: Prelude to War**

* * *

"The history of the world of the ninja is littered with events that can be considered 'of great importance'. It would impossible for such events not to come to pass, when individuals with the power to slay hundreds interact on a day to day basis. However, there are much fewer events that can be said to have _changed_ the world in a noticeable way. Many might cite the creation of Konoha as one of those; its effects on the world were undeniable. Others may propose the destruction of the Kannabi bridge during the Third Great Ninja War, or the following Kyuubi attack on the hidden Leaf village. However, when considering events that had the most dramatic effect in international affairs, there is only one that comes to mind. An event resulting in changes in leadership, changes in policy, the discovery of a worldwide conspiracy, and ultimately the formation of the battle lines for the Fourth Great Ninja War. This event is, of course, the Akatsuki Five Kage Summit, or as it would come to be known...

 _-Torune Aburame, 'A Historical Analysis'_

* * *

 **The Kage Civil War #1**

* * *

"So, let me get this straight." Hinata confirmed, hair whipping back behind her. "You couldn't use the rasenkunai at range, so your solution was to coat it in Amaterasu and use Kagutsuchi to force it to maintain its shape?"

"Sounds about right, yeah." Sasuke nodded.

She turned to Naruto. "And you couldn't use the rasenshuriken at range, so you learned to access an entirely new type of chakra and imbued it with _that_ to make it maintain its shape?"

"Uh huh, basically." Naruto replied.

Hinata shook her head. "You know, most people just _train_ when they want to improve their technique."

"Boring people."

"Yeah, why do you think it takes them so long to git gud? Our way is much faster."

"That, I cannot deny."

The three reached their destination, dropping down in some foliage next to their compatriots.

Kakashi, Jugo, Karin and Sai all nodded to them as they approached.

There was, for obvious reasons, no real cover within a kilometre of the building they were scouting. If you're hosting a bunch of ninja there, it's common sense to make things as difficult for espionage operations as possible.

However, the newly christened "Team Fuck-It" had broken dojutsu on their side.

"They there?" Naruto asked.

"They're there." Hinata nodded, Byakugan focused on the structure. "Each Kage has two guards. Plenty of familiar faces in there. Plus almost a hundred Samurai guards with the host."

Jugo held up a hand. "The fuck's a Samurai?"

"Like a ninja but they don't bother learning to sneak." Kakashi explained. "Jonin through Chunin level, at best, but there's strength in their numbers."

"So nothing we didn't expect." Sai commented, drolly, tightening the strap on his sword. "Are we all ready?"

There was a round of nods, and they emerged from the woods and walked towards the front door.

"Oh yeah, by the way." Hinata mentioned, turning her head to Sasuke. "Thanks for looking after my teammates while I was away."

"It wasn't much of a looking after." He remarked, coughing. "I just sort of...didn't kill them. Hey Jugo, Karin, thanks for looking after _my_ teammate while she was away."

"My pleasure." Said Jugo, calmly. Karin blushed, heavily, and looked away.

Sasuke turned back to Hinata and exchanged a series of glances that said something like:

 _Oh come on._

 _Be nice._

 _She has a crush on me._

 _Be_ nice _, Sasuke._

Before he then looked at Naruto and exchanged glances that kinda went like:

 _Look at this. It's like she's a new Ino._

 _Got it, you're too busy ogling Jugo to deal with her._

 _Did I not explain that's not how my brain works?_

 _You know maybe if you let a fangirl within two metres of you you might actually find that you_ like _them._

 _Ugh. Fine._

Yes, that was a very in depth conversation of glances. Genjutsu may have been involved.

Finally, Sasuke turned to Karin and said, "Hey. Aren't you the girl from the Chunin exams? You were fighting the giant mutant bear thing, right?"

She blushed even more heavily. "Um, yeah. That was me. Sorry I made you have to save me, I promise I'm stronger now."

"Well clearly, if you're teaming with Hinata." Sasuke smiled at her. "You'll have to tell me more about that sometime."

Karin made a very high pitched noise, and turned away, cheeks red as lava.

Sasuke turned back to Naruto making a _There, happy?_ expression, but the blond Uzumaki was giving him a death glare.

"When the heck did you fight a _bear_ in the Chunin exams?"

"Uh, in the forest of death." Sasuke coughed. "It was during that period where you were still all angsty about us doing things without you, so I just sort of...didn't tell you?"

"You guys are the _worst_ \- oh, right, we're here guys, places."

They had reached the door. The guards, (who, to their credit, must have known exactly what was about to go down) still stood with straight backs and boldly announced "State your business, ninja. No other outsiders are permitted to enter the building while talks are underway. Doing so will make things worse for your home villages."

"Oh, don't you worry about that." Sasuke turned. "Naruto? Do you want the honour?"

"Oh hell yeah." Naruto cracked his knuckles. "Ahem."

The guards realised what was going on, and charged forwards.

They were much too slow.

Naruto inhaled. "SOME-"

* * *

 **Twenty seconds earlier**

Danzo looked around, getting one final summary of the room.

The Third Tsuchikage Onoki, the old man with particle style, sat with his two guards Akatsuchi and Kurotsuchi.

The Fourth Raikage A sat flanked by his subordinates C and Darui. The coward hadn't been willing to bring Killer B, it seemed.

The Fifth Kazekage Gaara was (as always) protected by his two siblings, Temari and Kankuro. The blind boy had spread quite a few drone puppets throughout the room, and just about everyone had noticed, but politely not decided to call him on it.

The Fifth Mizukage Mei sat with one subordinate Chojuro protectively stood behind her chair, and Yuki Haku leaning against one wall looking entirely bored by the proceedings. The androgynous boy occasionally sent Danzo death glares that he ignored.

Danzo himself had brought Yamato alone. He would have preferred to have Sai, but with the boy 'MIA' there were no other jonin in ROOT on his level.

No matter.

Most of the room's occupants were not only _unwilling_ to harm Danzo, but unable.

"Ladies and gentlemen." Said Mifune, the leader of the land of Iron sat at the head of the table. "Thank you all for coming here in peace. I hereby bring the sixth Five Kage Summit to order. Hokage Danzo; as your village is the focal point of this discussion, I believe you should be the one to begin."

"Thank you, esteemed leader." Danzo replied, calmly, turning to the table at large. Finally, a lifetime of planning was going to come to fruition. "Fellow Kage, there are some-"

There was a _BOOM_ , and suddenly everyone was standing, and dust rained from the roof as the building shook and a voice loudly sang "-BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME, I AINT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHEEEEED! SHE WAS-"

"What the fuck is this?" Demanded the Raikage. Danzo noted that the Yuki boy was making an expression like Christmas had come early, while Kankuro's shoulders were shaking from suppressed laughter.

" _Ladies and Gentlemen!_ " A male voice, amplified by some jutsu or another, rose up over the singing. " _This is Team Fuck-It of the village hidden in the Leaves speaking! We have come to apprehend Shimura Danzo, on charges including but not limited to:_

 _Conspiring with a terrorist against his home village! Ordering the massacre of an entire clan full of innocent people! Betrayal of loyal Konoha agents!_ Mind controlling my friend _, and being a generally treacherous, slimy, ugly, bandage-faced, Halloween-decoration-looking-ass motherfucker!_ "

Everyone was looking at Danzo now.

"I don't believe I particularly have to orate that they are lying." He deadpanned.

"Even about that last one? You sure?" Temari asked.

" _We would like to remind everyone present that this is an internal Konoha matter!_ " Echoed a different voice, female this time. " _We apologise for any inconvenience and request that you do not interfere! Any help in suppressing the traitor would be greatly appreciated. On the other hand, if anyone attempts to get in our way,_ "

" _They will be moved._ " Said the other voice, solemnly.

Then the female one said " _That was my line, you stole my line._ " and the male one said " _Yeah, you're right, sorry, I got excited._ " And the female said " _Sasuke we spent hours this morning practicing this speech._ " and the male went " _Right, right. Okay, how do I turn this thing off-_ "

The voice cut out, and the sounds of combat moving throughout the building became much more apparent.

"Hyuuga Hinata, and Sasuke Uchiha." Danzo said, standing up. "A known terrorist and her teammate."

He had been prepared to have to _convince_ the other Kage to assist him; but it seemed they had already made up their minds.

"Oh I know all about the Uchiha boy." Mei growled. "That kid has been stealing our swords for the last five years. He has six of the fuckers."

Danzo relaxed as the others made similar noises of agreement. He shouldn't have been surprised. These were some of the strongest ninja in the world, and this attacking team had essentially just dared them to fight. They weren't going to take that challenge lying down.

 _It's about time those obnoxious children are finally dealt with..._

Mifune and his guards carefully backed away, and the Kage turned as one to face the only door into the room...

And then they all paused, as the Kazekage moved to stand in front of it.

* * *

Gaara knew, as he turned to face the rest of the room, what he was supposed to do. He was at a peace meeting, and all logic and law suggested it was better to side with his fellow Kage and maintain pleasant diplomatic relations with them.

That said...

"Shimura Danzo." He said, letting sand pour from his gourd. "Please submit to your arrest."

"What do you think you're doing, young man?" Onoki's eyes narrowed.

"Suna sides with Konoha." Gaara replied, unbothered.

"I _am_ Konoha." Danzo said, threateningly.

"Not. Yet." Countered Kankuro, as he and Temari readied up behind their brother.

"This is insane." Mei glared at them. "You're picking a fight with all four other Kage at once? Siding with the rebels? Why?"

"Simple." Gaara smiled. "Because they are my friends."

* * *

Yuki Haku looked at the shocked faces of the rest of the room, anxiously. There was absolutely no doubts about what he wanted here (AKA, whatever team Fuck-It wanted) but he was acutely aware that doing anything would

a) lead to a whole bunch of bounties being dropped on his head again, and

b) completely undo all the progress he'd made building up a presence in hidden Mist. Was there a way to work this without throwing the last five years of effort away?

 _Inner Zabbuza, what do I do?_ He asked.

 _Kill the Mizukage!_ Said inner Zabuzza.

 _Yeah but that's..._ Haku blinked, and slowly smiled, as his brain finally allowed itself to consider the consequences of that particular action. _Oh...Oh yeah. It's all coming together._

While everyone's eyes were on Gaara, he silently padded up behind Chojuro, picked up a chair, and swung it at the back of his head.

The blue haired jonin was a master swordsman, Haku would give him that, but he was a bit of a wimp in most other aspects. He fell like a sack of potatoes.

The rest of the room heard that, of course, all turning to look at Haku, who pointed one finger at Mei. "Hey, Queen Bitch! I challenge you for the right to be Mizukage!"

"Wha-" Mei's jaw dropped. "Really? Right _now_?"

"Yep."

"I-I decline! Now is not the time!"

"You can't." Haku grinned. "Not if the accuser declares the challenge to be full stakes, due to their believing the Kage is mad, or making decisions that would permanently or irreparably damage the village's sanctitude, honour, or safety."

"But that would make it a battle to the-" Mei paused, as Haku's killing intent finally made its way over to her.

"You're betraying me." She whispered.

"No I'm not." Haku giggled.

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are!"

"This is perfectly legal."

"You're trying to-"

"Assassinate the Mizukage?" Haku, purely for dramatic purposes, reached up with a senbon and carved a line through the Mist symbol on his forehead protector. "You're damn right I am. Square up."

The Raikage let out a laugh.

Gaara nodded in Haku's direction.

Mei shut her mouth.

And then everyone moved all at once.

* * *

Team Fuck-It burst through the doors into the main hall of the building and into a scene of utter chaos.

The Raikage was halfway through the hand seals to a substitution jutsu while being held in midair by Temari's wind, Gaara was throwing sand everywhere in an attempt to catch a floating Onoki, and the central table had been upended, with Haku currently taking cover behind it to avoid a massive globule of lava that was currently eating away at the wood.

Danzo stood at the back of the hall, watching, but the moment he caught sight of the new invaders, he began to flee through a back door.

"Begin Part B!" Naruto shouted, and the group split apart. Kakashi charged the Raikage's aides, Jugo and Karin went after the Tsuchikage's. Sai called out "Yamato is mine!" And beelined straight for him.

The core Team 7 landed by Gaara in a pretty damn impressive set of poses, Naruto catching a punch from the Raikage on his crossed forearms, Hinata channeling away the lightning around the strike, and Sasuke delivering a back kick to the man's abdomen to shove him away.

"Hey Gaara! Long time no see, hows it going?" Naruto asked.

"Not bad. No bijuu anymore, I've been sleeping better." The Kazekage shrugged.

"Still rocking the black eyeliner though?"

"It works with my complexion."

"Hey, Kankuro!" Sasuke called across. "How does my outfit look?"

"Fuck off, Sasuke." The puppet-master shot back, with a grin.

"Focus, guys." Hinata said, looking up. "Our target's making a run for it."

"I can't take these two alone." Gaara warned. "Not without Shukaku."

"You won't need to." Sasuke reassured him, turning back to his teammates. "Hinata's got more time left on her eyes than me, you two get out there and kick his ass. I'll deal with the moustache siblings."

"Deal with me?" A laughed. "I'm the motherfucking Raikage! I'm the fastest ninja alive! You think you can just-"

There was a flash, and suddenly there was black fire coating one wall, and the Raikage had thrown himself a few metres to the left.

"...Yeah, okay, he's right, that's fair." Sasuke nodded, eyes shifting back from their Mangekyo pattern.

"Yeah these Kage are Kage level." Temari reminded him. "Shocker."

"You kids done talking?" Onoki called down to them.

"Yeah we're good." Naruto stretched. "Autobots! Roll-"

"Shut up and move!"

Gaara launched out a spherical wave of sand that obscured them from their opponents; by the time A and Onoki had blasted their way through it, they were already being swarmed by a dozen Naruto clones each.

Sasuke attempted to wrap up the Tsuchikage in razor wire while Naruto and Hinata darted around the Raikage, batted aside Darui and C, hi-fived Sai on the way past, and punched straight through the wall between them and the false Kage.

* * *

They caught up with Danzo one a grey stone bridge, crossing a wide, deep, and otherwise canyony canyon. Clearly realising the pointlessness of continuing to run, he stopped, and turned towards them.

"You're rather persistent." He remarked.

"We spent four straight years playing cat and mouse." Naruto told him. "'Rather persistent' is the understatement of the century."

"Would be the millennia." Hinata added. "Except we cant beat last century's, which was 'Tobirama has a few problems with the Uchiha'."

"Quite." Danzo replied. "It was my old master's greatest weakness. He was a genius, to be certain, but his unwillingness to mend bridges with the Uchiha cost him access to the village's greatest asset."

"Right, because alienating assets is something you've _never_ done." Hinata glared at him.

"Ah, sarcasm. One of Hiruzen's favourites." Danzo looked at them both. "Let's get to the point. I'm not unwilling to recognise my mistakes. My reasoning was sound, at the time I made that call, but knowing what I know now, I would not have made it." His one visible eye focused on Hinata. "Given what I know _you_ are capable of."

Lightning crackled around Hinata's hands. "That's it?" She demanded. "That's all you care about? You'd decide whether or not to sacrifice dozens of innocent people based on a _dojutsu_?"

"Of course." He said, frankly. And she knew it was true. "We are _ninja_ , girl. I am an old man; I have not kept up the physical training of one. I have not built up the chakra reserves of Jiraiya, learned the jutsu repertoire of Hiruzen, sharpened my technique like Kakashi. But the measure of a ninja is in how they _think_. It is in what they are willing to do."

"Ehr, ner, I can't do eneh of duh ninja stuff, but I still am eh ninja, I swerr." Naruto mumbled under his breath.

"Are you genuinely trying to act like you had some altruistic reason for this?" Hinata spat. "You were afraid of losing your power! That's why you became Kage, that's what all this was for!"

"Not at all." He replied, and he genuinely believed it was the truth. "I care nothing for power. The hat, the robes, the command, I don't take them because I _desire_ them. I take them because I fear what others will do with them. My first priority is, and has always been, the safety and well-being of Konohagakure."

Hinata shook her head. "Neji was a sociopath. But you...you're just plain insane. You claim to work to the benefit of Konoha yet you'll slaughter your own citizens?"

"I'm afraid that that is how this world works." He replied, sombrely.

"Then we're going to change it!" Naruto shouted back. He looked over at Hinata and smiled. "Together."

Her eyes widened as she looked back at him, but then she smiled, and nodded. "Together."

There was a very beautiful moment.

"But I'm killing this guy on my own right now."

"Hinata no-"

She blasted forwards.

Okay, it _looked_ like a real Anakin Skywalker vs Count Dooku move (yes, Naruto had gotten her to watch those movies at one point) but it wasn't as stupid as it seemed.

Danzo has said he was weaker than them, and meant it. And even if he knew about her Gokei, he couldn't know how it worked. Meaning he didn't know about the Hiragekoma and it's 'fuck-anything-you-try' properties.

And then there was the matter of his eyes.

She'd had her Byakugan on the whole time, of course, and warned her teammates. She knew about the Sharingan in his concealed eye. She knew about his bandaged arm, and that whatever was concealed in there was identical to the right side of Tobi's body. She even knew that he had a _byakugan_ inserted into the not-flesh, and that it was somehow actually working. But there was no ninjutsu or genjutsu he could launch that would stop her from getting right in his face, blasting him with a vacuum palm, and then pummelling his chakra points until they disintegrated.

 _For Hanabi_ , she thought, as she drew closer and closer.

Danzo reached one hand up, and tore the bandages off his face, revealing the Sharingan. As she got closer, it shifted into a new pattern.

 _Mangekyo. No matter._

She activated the Vishnu, white blanketing her body and numbness encroaching her hands and feet. Even if he had Amaterasu, she'd live. If he had anything else...

She reached out with one palm, and prepared the Hiragekoma.

And then Danzo said, "Kotoamatsukami."

* * *

Naruto watched, gobsmacked, as Danzo leaned to one side and Hinata (moving too fast to effectively arrest her own momentum) flew straight past him, landing in a slide behind. Then she stopped, stood up, and turned back.

Her gaze focused on her teammate.

"Hinata?" He asked, hesitantly.

"Naruto." She replied. Then she turned to Danzo. "Master. I take it you want him dead?"

* * *

 **"Hey Kishimoto, how's it doing? Looks like we're at the Danzo fight, huh?"**

 **"Damn right. This is gonna be lit."**

 **"So what's the plan?"**

 **"Well Sasuke's gonna kill him a bunch of times and then he's gonna use Izana-hoo-ha to come back to life. Then Sasuke makes him think he has more when he's actually run out. Then he dies."**

 **"...What about Kotoamatsukami?"**

 **"What about it?"**

 **"Well it's Danzo's signiature ability, right? Can't he use it to-"**

 **"No, he used it earlier that day."**

 **"...He could have _not_ done that though? What if he used Kotoamatsukami to make Sasuke fight Naruto? We could see sage mode vs EMS?"**

 **"...nah."**

 **And thus Danzo was the worst villain in Naruto history. Seriously, every scene with Izanami and Izanagi is way better if they just don't exist.**

 **Sorry I'm late again, shit's crazy. But I've not missed a deadline in 65 weeks and I'm not starting now.**


	67. The Kage Civil War 2

**The function of Kotoamatsukami in canon is left incredibly vague, except that it apparently works really subtlely, and yet it can also make Itachi change teams in the blink of an eye. Not easy to work with, but I've done some headcanonning. Be lenient on me, kay?**

* * *

 **The Kage Civil War#2**

* * *

Aaight, look. My Mangekyo power is absolutely busted.

I'm...not actually sure why I'm writing this down. It's gonna cause some serious issues if anyone actually reads it, and I may just burn this when I'm finished, but I need to get my thoughts in order. Cos frankly, I'm scared of what it lets me do.

I call it Kotoamatsukami. That's, uh, a religious thing. Apparently Itachi's actually taken after me when it comes to that naming schema, which is kinda funny. But, yeah.

It lets me mind control people.

Okay, okay, that's an oversimplification. But basically it turns my target's brain into an all-you-can-abuse buffet.

Kotoamatsukami never actually forces the target to do anything against their own will, it's only effects concern with _memory_.

It rewrites it completely; changing memories, hiding them, adding new ones. And by reframing the context of the present, it can cause a person to act completely differently. They might believe that they were actually always working with a different side, that they've always hated or loved a certain someone, hell, it can completely rewrite all their experiences since birth if you're thorough enough.

The obvious downside is that if what you've made them remember conflicts with the reality they perceive, they'll get confused and may begin to suspect. You can't just brainwash the Hokage into believing they've always been your servant, obviously, because if they start acting differently then their teammates or friends might notice and try to take them down. And if their new memories don't make them like you enough, they could quite possibly betray you of their own will and there'd be nothing you can do about it.

But even _that_ can be overcome with a sufficiently skilful use. Organising their thoughts so that they'll think other people around them are lying to them, or misinformed. Making the target think that they're part of some elaborate deceptive scheme. That sort of tricky nonsense. If you have a long enough period of eye contact while you're applying the jutsu, you can even set it up so that different stimuli trigger different memories appearing or disappearing. You can even completely invalidate other genjutsu or fuuninjutsu that are giving the target commands, with a memory as simple as making them think that 'attack the leaf ninja' actually means 'do the exact opposite thing'.

The technique is almost impossible to dismantle from the outside, at least not without permanently brain damaging the afflicted, but the target themselves can remove the jutsu with only a little more effort than a standard 'dispel' casting, if they're a sensory type or become aware of it in some other way. This would be a weakness, except that the caster has a whole host of ways to make the target _not want to do that_. Simply making them think people are lying to them about them being affected, or more insidiously, that they _chose_ to be affected by the genjutsu of their own free will for some other reason. Again, the only limits here are the imagination of the caster and how long they have to cast it. A brief moment of eye contact in the middle of combat will net you a total memory overwrite, but you won't be able to set up much for the future. But if you're sat in front of them for a few minutes to an hour, then there's practically no limit to what you can do to a person.

(or spend a long time in advance preparing a general command to be aimed at anyone like, I don't know, a supercomplicated set of 'If X then Y' commands to make them protect Konoha at all costs.)

The only weaknesses that I know of are twofold. One, it's monstrously high chakra cost. I used this once and I was out of action for days. And two, it's ridiculous cooldown time. If I hit someone with the Kotoamatsukami now, I wouldn't be able to use it again for another nine, ten years.

That's actually a bit of a relief, to be honest. If someone could use Kotoamatsukami every week, hell, every six months...well, it's quite possible they could have taken over the whole ninja world without us ever knowing about it.

 _-Hidden page in Shisui Uchiha's private notebook. Sewn into the lining of Itachi Uchiha's forehead protector._

* * *

Hinata Hyuuga had been born a lonely girl. Pressured by her parents, ignored by her cousins, she had grown up with few friends and fewer confidants. Then had come the Hyuuga massacre. When everything in her world had changed. It was in the aftermath of that horrific experience that she had met Shimura Danzo.

He had given her someone she could trust. He had given her purpose. He had been her only real anchor in the world when she had felt so lost and afraid, even when everyone else in the world had seemed cruel, and stupid, and ignorant.

She had loved him like a father.

Of course, the world hadn't known. She had been assigned to team seven alongside Naruto and Sasuke, all by design of course. Her mission had been to assess the progress of the Kyuubi Jinchurikki, to ensure he would remain in control, as well as the youngest Uchiha heir and his progress.

Above all else, her duty had been to grow stronger. Strong enough to confront Neji Hyuuga, the man who had disobeyed his orders and his village, and to hunt him down and kill him. For justice, and for her own revenge. To that end, she had joined and spied on Orochimaru, and then killed him when he was no longer of use. She had torn through Deidara, and eventually, she had brought Neji down.

And now she was at the culmination of all her master's planning. Where all the villages would be brought together under Konoha's control, and all the agents who opposed him would be snuffed out all at once.

"Master. I take it you want him dead?" She asked, not taking her eyes off her teammate. She noticed with some small annoyance that she still _considered_ Naruto her teammate. _Did it not work...no, of course it worked. Any weakness is mine alonw._

"Not dead." Danzo corrected her. "The nine-tails running rampant would be the last thing we need right now. _Suppress_ him."

Naruto looked between them, confusion plain on his face. "Uh, Hinata, is this some plan I'm supposed to be in on-"

"Of course, master." She replied, and began walking forwards.

"Oh, fucknuckles." Naruto grimaced. "Uh, Hinata? Wrong target?"

"No, I'm good." She kept walking.

"Hinata, that's-" His face lit up. "Hinata! You're under a genjutsu! You can tell I'm telling the truth, right? Check, you can just get rid of it with your Hiragekothingy!"

He definitely was telling the truth, and she saw it. She smiled at him. "I know."

"Whu-"

She punched him in the stomach. He went flying backwards, landing on his feet several metres backwards. Then he narrowed his eyes, and stood straight, spreading his arms to either side.

"Really." She narrowed her eyes at him. "That's your game?" She didn't stop walking towards him. "Fight back, Naruto, I _will_ 64-palms you while you're stood there."

"Hey, eye-stealer!" Naruto called over her shoulder. "If I kill you, that'll make the genjutsu turn off, right?"

"No." Danzo said, not changing expression.

Naruto turned back to Hinata. "Is he lying?"

"No." She replied, even though he was.

He looked at her expression for a moment, then grinned. "He totally is, isn't he? I've known you long enough to tell when you're _badly_ lying."

Hinata bared her teeth. She cleared the last two metres between them at top speed and readied herself in front of him. Still, he didn't move from his pose, so she let her attack fly, the eight trigrams sixty-four palms peppering most of the chakra points in his body. He collapsed backwards to the floor.

"Did you really think I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that? Were you planning for me to dramatically stop just before hitting you?" She asked, looking down at him. She'd left his head mostly intact, so he could reply.

"What?" Naruto snorted. "Nah. I was just buying time so I could gather sage chakra."

 _Oh shit-_

There was a flash, and that ridiculous orange eyeliner appeared, and then Naruto booted her in the chest so hard she flew all the way across the bridge.

* * *

"Ungrateful little bastard!" Mei shouted at Haku, firing another blast of lava style at the table he was hiding behind. He took a second to conclude that, yeah, those were all technically true points to make, before standing up and kicking the table towards her.

"A little hypocritical, don't you think?" He shot back, summoning a pair of ice clones and charging forwards with them. "Seriously, don't you have _enough_ combination nature transformations?"

He fired a hailstorm of ice senbon, but Mei conjured up a wall of vapour style...vapour, I guess? The senbon melted the moment they entered it.

"Buffeting wind!" Haku shouted, taking a page out of Naruto's book, but even though the vapour washed over Mei, it had no visible effect on her. A resistance then, since he'd seen her melt someone alive with that once. _Water and fire. Boil release. It's nasty stuff._

Coming right back at him was another globule of lava, which was only heated further by the wind he was launching at her ( _fucking elemental supereffects-_ ) and he quickly manifested an ice mirror in front of himself. The lava shook the mirror, hard, but it wasn't enough to melt it.

 _Good to know. That means..._

His two ice clones jumped in at Mei from above on either side, both putting one hand up and shouting "Demonic ice-"

"Vapour dragon!" Mei countered. The discoloured mist around her formed itself into a large, well, _dragon_ , sweeping around and above her and catching both Haku clones in its jaws. Both were carried into a wall, and shattered.

"Two-timing little git." Mei snarled, putting her hands up and reapplying the cloud of vapour surrounding her. "Is this why you accepted my invitation in the first place? To join Mist and overthrow me?"

Haku shrugged, grinning. "Yeah, basically."

 _The vapour melts me if I'm in it. She can make it into a deadly attack jutsu if it's up. She can't melt through my ice mirrors, so if I can catch her in the prison she's dead, but to do that I have to get close..._ _This is gonna be interesting._

"I'm going to flay you." Mei snarled. "Lava bullet!"

"Ice spear!"

* * *

"Fuck this matchup!" Sasuke shouted out loud, catching a punch from the Raikage on Raito's blade and sliding backwards, then jumping upwards as a fucking _laser beam_ from the Tsuchikage nearly tore him apart, and then he was lucky Gaara's sand came in to pull him away from A's followup flying knee.

 _Hey, what people would be the worst opponents for Gaara? Well, someone fast enough to get through his sand walls, or someone who's ability could blast through them like they weren't even there._

 _Oh, would you look at that?_

 _Hey, what people would be the worst opponents for Sasuke? Well, someone fast enough to dodge his hax abilities, or someone who could fly almost entirely out of range of his melee attacks._

 _OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?_

"We need to re-strategise." Gaara told him. The Kazekage was short of breath; this was likely the most running around he'd done in a while.

"Yeah, you think?" Sasuke shot back. "Get us some cover!" He shot a fireball at Onoki to distract him, and Gaara pulled up a dome of sand around them. There was a thud, as one of the Kazekage's fists crashed into it.

"I'll hold off Captain Falcon," Sasuke instructed, "you try to keep Santa Claus moving with your sand!"

"That status quo is bad for us." Gaara reminded him.

"I know, but if you keep standing still then they'll move to change it. When I say switch, be ready to focus on bogging down A."

"Alright. I trust you."

"Mark?"

"Sync."

"Aaight. Open us up!" The sand shield exploded outwards, just in time for the Raikage to come charging in. The attack had been meant to hit the sand wall, and when his preferred target vanished from in front of him A was left off-balance, giving Sasuke time to summon a sword from his bracer and swing it.

Shibuki's explosive tags weren't able to pierce the Raikage's lightning chakra mode cloak, but it sure sent him flying across the room. Sasuke didn't waste any time sprinting straight for him, sheathing shibuki and and drawing Raito, the sword's two halves paired together.

"Oh? You're approaching me?" The Raikage taunted. "Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?"

"I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer." Sasuke told him, grinning.

"Oh ho! Then come as close as you like!" A wound up, and punched.

"Chidori!" Sasuke replied, channelling electricity through one blade and stabbing. Fist met sword in a collision of purple energy, sending a shockwave out around them, but A didn't hesitate to launch the next attack, and the next, forcing Sasuke to dodge, duck, and swing his blades like his life depended on it. Because it literally did. One punch would take his head off.

He was slower than the Raikage, but his hand-speed was almost comparable. And the Sharingan was _busted_ , meaning his boosted reaction time let him keep up. And most importantly...

"Why aren't your swords breaking?" A growled at him, annoyed.

"Raito is imbued with lightning chakra." Sasuke smirked at him. "It can eat up your attacks like they're breakfast."

"How does that work?"

"Fuck if I know."

The Raikage scowled, and punched harder.

Around them, the hall was gradually falling apart. Onoki was flying around like a mosquito, being pursued by tendrils of sand from all directions trying desperately to snatch him out of the air. It wasn't working. He was fast in the air, and since Gaara had imbued wind chakra into the sand to make it lighter, it was easier to punch out of. After a while, Onoki seemed to think he'd got the hang of the sand's movement, spinning through a particularly tight gap and coming to a stop in the air, pointing both arms at Gaara. "Particle Style!" He shouted. "Special Beam Cannon!"

Sasuke saw it in his peripheral vision, and narrowed his eyes. "SWITCH!"

Sasuke, showing an incredible amount of trust in his teammate, disengaged entirely and turned his back to a rampant Kage. Gaara, showing an incredible amount of trust in his teammate, left himself completely open to Onoki's death laser and focused fully on A.

The Raikage charged for Sasuke's back, but found himself grappled from all sides by sand, and by the time he could free himself of it, the Uchiha was already out of reach, leaping up to Onoki with lightning trailing from his fist. He didn't want to _kill_ important international figures, hence no rasenkunai, but he had no problem with stunning them so bad they fell out of the sky.

The aforementioned Tsuchikage saw Sasuke approaching, and his eyes widened. He aborted whatever jutsu he'd been charging at Gaara, instead reaching one arm out past Sasuke. "Particle Style, lightweight boulder jutsu!"

There was a flash.

The Sharingan was the only reason Sasuke reacted fast enough, and his paranoia in immediately resorting to the Susanno was the only reason he survived.

One moment the Raikage was on the floor, the next he was driving an elbow into Sasuke's back, the purple ribcage forming around him cracking under the assault but barely slowing the strike down enough to render it non-crippling. Sasuke was thrown forwards so hard he bounced off a wall, and Gaara had to catch him in a pillow of sand to stop him crashing into the floor full force.

Instead, he merely collapsed to his knees, groaning. "Ooooow...What in the six paths of bullshit was that?"

"The Tsuchikage's particle style lets him decrease the mass of an object or ninja without affecting their chakra or muscle power." Gaara told him, reaching down with a hand and pulling him to his feet. "It allows him to increase someone's speed by incredible amounts, or decrease the momentum behind an incoming attack."

"And he _also_ gets lasers that disintegrate everything?" Sasuke stood up and pointed at the Tsuchikage. "I know this is kinda rich coming from me, but your powers are bullshit."

"Noted." Onoki chuckled, hovering above the floor, next to a Raikage who was literally glowing white and purple all at once. "Well then, would you like to go for round two?"

"Hurry up, Naruto. Hinata." Sasuke muttered to himself, reaching up with one hand to clean off the blood dripping from his eyes. _If this goes on any longer, I might not be coming out of it with two working eyes._

* * *

Hinata flew back, going over Danzo's head, and watched with the Byakugan as Naruto completely ignored her, getting to his feet and charging for her master.

 _His chakra points are completely blocked up, but it doesn't matter, he's running entirely on senjutsu. I can't even see it, nevermind interfere with it. Smart. Kesshotoketsu!_

Crystals erupted around Naruto, trapping him in place, and though he was able to tear his way out of them in a brief moment, it was enough time for Hinata to land and charge back in towards him, throwing a palm strike at his forehead.

He blocked it.

"It's really nice to be able to actually do that, you know? Block you?" He sighed, dreamily.

She glared. "Lionfists!" Her next punch sent him sliding back a few steps, and she followed it up with a vacuum palm that he kicked up a block of stone to intercept, and then she was leaping in through the rubble with a flurry of rapid fire punches that he set about countering.

"So how does his thing work, huh?" He shouted at her, mid-combination. "False memories? Subtle control? You wouldn't be acting like this if he'd completely taken you over, so what's the deal?"

"The deal," She shot back, "is that I've been working for him for years!"

"Uh, when?" He pointed out. "You were our teammate for six months?"

"It's called being a spy! I was reporting to him the whole time!"

"Again, when? You spent all your free time watching me!"

"Do you want me to draw you a fucking timetable or can I get back to beating you senseless?" Naruto wasn't lying. She had spent a lot of time watching him. What did he think Danzo's Kotoamatsukami had been about?

And annoyingly, she _wasn't_ beating him senseless. He flipped himself upside down and went for a spinning double kick that almost knocked her off the bridge, then landed on his hands (facing away from her) and continued to try and kick the crap out of her, blocking all her attacks perfectly without even being able to see.

 _It's the sage mode. He's got a better sense of his surroundings than me. And he's_ faster _than me. Oh that's just plain not fair._

"He can't have made you forget what you did with us!" Naruto shouted. "Not when he knows _you_ know I'm being honest about every memory I describe! And that means-" He pushed himself off of his hands, both feet kicking her backwards as he moved into a midair spin, energy gathering in his hands. "-That there's no way you don't still care! Senjutsu; Rasenshuriken!"

The spinning white sphere, blades of chakra making a hideous mechanical whining noise, came barrelling through the air towards her.

She put her hands out. "Hira-" No, she couldn't disrupt it, it wasn't normal chakra, "Substi-" and her eyes widened, as she realised that Danzo was directly behind her. Chakra exhausted, too, after using his technique. She couldn't dodge, or her master would die.

"Heavenly spin!" She eventually decided, and the dome of chakra blossomed around her, but the rasenshuriken was taking _no_ prisoners.

Sparks of chakra flew as it tore into her defence, forcing her entire dome to either slide backwards rapidly or be penetrated entirely.

"That's why you're so angry!" Naruto shouted, pointing an accusing finger at her. "Because you're hurting! Because you're trying not to think about what he's asking you to do! Remember the night we got back from Wave? Remember the night you left? Look me in the eyes and tell me you remember those times, and you're _still_ going to betray me!"

"SHUT UP!" She screamed.

She cut her jutsu, letting the rasenshuriken fly freely towards her. _This better work_. "Crystal release! Heavenly spin!"

The dome that span out from her then wasn't the light blue chakra that she usually employed. Instead, at the price of the numbness of the Gokei spreading further up her legs and arms, her defence was constructed of millions of tiny crystal shards, overlapping, growing, and spinning around her. The Rasenshuriken smashed into it, and it held, the two techniques spinning against each other like-

Yeah, look, it was like beyblades, alright, it was a freaking Kage-level beyblade battle.

The rasenshuriken began to lose momentum.

Naruto 'tch'd, and slapped his hands to the ground. "Sage art, swamp of the underworld!"

The surface of the bridge rippled, and Danzo was quick to jump backwards as a large zone in front of Naruto began to sink.

The entire structure sagged as Hinata's dome span itself down into a muddy, swampy mess.

Hinata cut the technique but it was too late, by the time she dropped the wall of crystal around her she was already submerged deep into the muck, and it flowed in to bury her almost to the head.

Naruto sprinted across the surface of the mud with ease, passing her in a flash. "Lucky for you, I don't plan on making you suffer any more!" He shot at her, before building up a base Rasengan in his palm and rocketing towards Danzo.

 _No. No, no, you stay AWAY FROM HIM!_

White rippled across her body.

Naruto was less than a foot from Danzo's face before Hinata appeared behind him, Ivory feet gripping perfectly to the swamp beneath her, and hooked one arm around his and threw him back the other way.

He slammed down into the swamp he'd created, sinking halfway into the muck.

"You're right." Hinata admitted, meeting his eyes. "Of course I care about you. How could I not? Nothing you remember is untrue; every moment we were together I was there, I saw it, I felt it. I told you I loved you and I meant it. And it's made me weaker." She pointed to her own forehead, where her Byakugan highlighted the foreign chakra pulsing through her mind. "I _know_ the genjutsu's there. Because I _asked_ for it. I warned master Danzo that I might not have the strength to hurt my team. And he told me to join up with you, go through with your plan, and wait."

Naruto pulled himself out of the swamp and looked at her warily, as she continued.

Cracks split through her arms, and with a yank, each limb split into two. In full general grievous style, each of the four arms moved independently, and readied into stance. "That's what this Kotoamatsukami is. It's my final gift from him. He put it there so that I can bring myself to destroy you."

* * *

"LET ME GO!"

"NO! Stay _down_ Kudos!"

"I have to go! I have to save her!"

Kudos strained and strained, as Forsooth and a handful of other owls all piled on top of him to keep him in place.

"Kudos, please!" Forsooth begged, forcibly holding his wing closed. "You are in no condition to go anywhere! It's that eye, Neji did something to you, _please_ stay still while we bring in your grandmother-"

"NO!" Kudos wailed, crying. "I have to save her! Please, believe me, mistress Hinata is in danger, I'm the only one that can free her let me _GO!_ "

The other owls didn't listen, and continued to hold him down, and Kudos continued to stare wildly into space.

The eye in his left socket continued to glow the blood red of a Mangekyo Sharingan.

* * *

 **To be continued...**

 **Y'all ever write two chapters worth of stuff and then go 'wait, stop, just, publish the first bit'? The battles rage on, and Naruto has the unenviable job of trying to fight his friend.**

 **To reiterate, the Kotoamatsukami Danzo used on Hinata is making her _think_ that she's always been secretly reporting to him. It hasn't taken anything away, otherwise Naruto would be able to tell her and she would realise she was being manipulated. And she _thinks_ that the genjutsu currently in her head is keeping her able to hurt Naruto, and she won't remove it because she's afraid that she'll be too emotional about Naruto to finish her mission without it. 'Of course, in my head I would still do it, but what if my heart takes over my head'?**

 **Danzo making 4000 IQ plays.**

 **Next time, the chaos continues. Who will survive? Spoiler alert; certainly not the arenas they're fighting in...**


	68. The Kage Civil War 3

_***Rapidly fills in plotholes-**_

* * *

 **The Kage Civil War #3**

* * *

"Buffeting wind-"

"Lava plume!"

"Oh, fuck you!"

Haku hadn't realised how annoying it was to fight a spacer-type fighter until he met one he couldn't sneak up on. Seriously, all she did was spam him with ranged attacks, try and catch him in the boil release steam, and sicc a vapour dragon on him if he ever got close. "I've changed my mind." He shouted at her. "This isn't interesting, it's fucking _stupid_. I wanna swap out, can I take the Raikage instead?"

"Oh, no. You've made your bed, now you get to lie in it." Mei glared at him, from within her cloud of impenetrable _bullshit_. "And since when were you so vulgar?"

"Sasuke must be rubbing off on me." Haku sighed. "Not literally, disappointingly, but still. Ice clone jutsu!"

He summoned one copy of himself, linked arms with it, and threw it forwards.

Unlike the mirrors, it began to melt the moment it entered the vapour, but ran through a set of hand seals before it could be destroyed. "Ice release, Flash Freeze!"

Everything within a few metres of the clone dropped by about a hundred degrees C in under a second, taking the boil release from deadly to mildly humid.

Mei responded, launching another lava blast, but the clone threw up an ice mirror as it broke, catching the attack in mid air. The real Haku darted in, coming up behind through the harmless water vapour and jumping into the mirror, then out the other side. "Ice spear!" He shouted, summoning the weapon ready to yeet it at any projectiles she aimed at him.

Mei didn't shoot another lava ball at him. She jumped up, and threw a tagged kunai at the ground beneath him.

The explosion that went off threw him into an uncontrolled tumble rather than a graceful leap, and, _yep, there's the fucking vapour dragon-_

He pulled up a small version of the ice mirrors as a shield as the jutsu crashed into him, shoving him upwards, away, and then down towards the ground. He slammed into the floor and cried out, as broken shards of wood dug up into his back.

Haku's burnt fingers dropped the shield, and he rolled over to his front, looking up.

"HAKU!" Shouted Sai from the other side of the room, and Haku watched as the distracted boy got hit by a swinging branch of wood release, coughing up blood and being crushed into a wall.

"SAI!" Haku screamed back, forcing himself to his feet.

"Don't think you're going anywhere." Spat Mei from behind him, vapour spreading out towards him. "You still have business with me, sweetie."

Haku closed his eyes. Breathed out. And turned back to her. "You selfish, self obsessed, idiotic, childish, _pathetic_ excuse for a Kage. I've put up with you for _five goddamn years_ , and if you get between me and my teammates any more I am going to turn you into a _fucking Pincushion_!"

"Stubborn worm." She growled back. "You could have had wealth! Power! You could have had _Me_! What about that wasn't good enough for you?"

"I'M _GAY_ YOU IGNORANT _BITCH_!"

He slammed his hands together. "Demonic Ice Dragon Jutsu!" Coiling up around him, the beast's cold scales crackled against each other, freezing all the moisture in the air around it, and it roared. This was the biggest, most chakra-exhausting, and most entirely ridiculous move he could pull out. He'd built it to try and counter the rasenshuriken, funnily enough. Flying up above Haku's head, it tore through the air down towards Mei.

"Lava dragon jutsu!" She countered, firing up her own strongest attack towards his, the drake glowing red, yellow and orange as it flew roaring upwards.

The two dragons met, and exploded.

What was left of the room's infrastructure just gave up, shards of roof and wall being thrown outwards as all the other combatants in the building were forced to pause what they were doing just to appreciate the moment.

Shards of cooled stone and boiling hot water fell down from the collision point, and Mei made a very crucial mistake.

She closed and shielded her eyes.

She brought up her vapour tighter and higher, forming a bubble of safety around herself as the explosion subsided, which had the unfortunate side effect that even when she opened her eyes, it was too thick to see.

You see, Mei was raised a privileged child. She had been born with an incredible gift, and taught to focus on training her elemental attacks above all else.

As such, she had never achieved more than a basic level of competence in her country's patented art. That being, locating opponents by sound alone.

There was a thud, and a cold hand landed on her shoulder.

"Hidden Mist." Said Haku. "Hiding in the mist jutsu. Maybe look it up?"

Mei spun, seeing a figure completely covered in a thick sheen of ice, ice that was melting rapidly, sure, but it only needed to last a second or so to let it's occupant-

Haku smiled, his ninja headband covering his eyes. "Demonic ice mirrors jutsu."

The prison flashed into existence around Mei, and she barely had time to start making hand seals before dozens of senbon slammed into her arms, legs and back. Her muscles froze up, and she hit the floor.

"Now be a good little Mizukage and stay on the floor where you belong." Haku told her, from within one of the mirrors. "I'm going to save my boyfriend. Try not to ruin your country's reputation any more while I'm gone, okay?"

He paused, whispered " _Hoooh that felt so good_." and jumped away.

* * *

"We need to teamwork harder." Sasuke decided. "That's the morale of the story, right? If we teamwork harder we win instantly."

"Sounds good. How?" Gaara asked.

Impacts successively smashed against the wall of sand he'd set up between them and their opponents.

"Uh. I don't know. Move!" Sasuke reached across and yanked Gaara to the left, just in time for a beam of white light to disintegrate a section of the sand wall and a good chunk of the floor where he'd been stood.

"We're both badasses but there isn't much room for our skills to overlap! Against anyone else you'd be able to control the terrain so I could fight them all individually, but-"

"These ones can fly and run stupidly fast, I know." Gaara refilled the hole. He was looking remarkably calm for the situation. "So what do we do? I can't keep up this wall for much longer."

"We beat this the same way I beat Kimimaro." Sasuke sighed. "By being smart. Kami, it's too early in the morning for this-"

With a shout of "Alright, round two start!" The sand wall exploded outwards, and Sasuke was charging forwards, aiming for Onoki.

The Raikage came in out of nowhere, with a spinning kick that took Sasuke's head off at the neck.

Obviously-not-Sasuke promptly disintegrated, not in the burst of a shadow clone, but instead revealed itself to be an animation of sand that quickly latched onto A's body in every place it could.

This sand wasn't imbued with wind to make it lighter; it was saturated in earth release, making it as heavy as physically possible.

The Raikage wasted a moment trying to remove it by force, before more sand from the surrounding area latched onto him, pulling him downwards and attempting to smother him.

That stopped him for...about half a second, in total.

A basically flexed and it was off; lightning has advantage over earth, and it's sheer explosive power in a confined space blew the entire prison apart. But Sasuke, the real Sasuke, had already sprinted past him at that point, jumping upwards onto a levitating platform of sand. He was carrying Kubikiribōchō, Zabuzza's sword, and began to contemplate the dimensions of Onoki's neck as the sand flew him closer. The Tsuchikage hadn't been wasting his time, and fired off a blast of particle release that would have disintegrated Sasuke if he'd stayed on a constant path, but the sand he was stood on launched him upwards, such that the white light only obliterated the sand and the soles of Sasuke's footwear.

By that point, the Raikage was already blurring up towards him, hands positioned to grab and crush his throat.

Sasuke let go of his sword.

With a poof, Sasuke had been substituted with another of Gaara's sand clones down below, and the Raikage's fists buried themselves into it. Again, it attempted to forcibly lock his hands together, as Sasuke reappeared on the ground and Ōnoki leaned casually left to avoid the thrown sword.

"Fire style! Big Fuckoff Fire Dragon jutsu!" Sasuke shouted, feeling his chakra reserves dip to about a quarter as the largest technique he could fire blasted out towards his two opponents.

"Oh, that's just unfair! Why's yours so much bigger than mine!" Shouted Haku, from some distance away.

"Bow-chika-bow-wow." Gaara said in the most deadpan voice possible.

"I've got this." Onoki said, grabbing onto the Raikage with one hand and reaching the other outwards. Sweat was beading on his forehead. "Particle style! Obliteration barrier!"

A large cube of light appeared, and as the fire dragon crashed into it, it just blinked out of existence, like the attack was paper being fed into a shredder.

What Onoki did _not_ notice, was that Kubikiribōchō hadn't simply fallen to the ground behind him, but paused in midair.

Gaara made a tiny motion with one finger, and the blade began flying towards Onoki's exposed back.

 _Magnet release. If the opponents don't have metal you can control, bring it to them yourself._

There was a tiny glint from the light on the metal, and the sword (inches from Onoki's skin) came into the Raikage's peripheral vision.

He swore, grabbed Onoki, and flung him towards the box of particle style, using the momentum gained to fling himself upwards and catch the sword.

Onoki was forced to dispel the barrier to prevent himself from being disintegrated by his own technique, but that still left him being caught by the tail end of Sasuke's fire technique.

It was a highly singed Onoki that crashed down onto the floor of the building. "My beard..." He groaned, "you burned my beard!"

Sasuke, exhausted, shouted over to him, "Well maybe if you hadn't grown it so damn long that wouldn't be a problem! Even Hiruzen never had a beard that crazy and he-"

"Look out!"

There was a snap, and a sonic boom.

Gaara pulled up sand in front of them both, but a pair of projectiles blasted through the wall like it wasn't even there, taking Sasuke in the right leg and Gaara in the chest. Both fell to their knees, bitching loudly, and Sasuke looked down and realised that he had been impaled by a shattered half of Kubikiribōchō.

"Not bad." A called to them, walking up slowly. "But you're both still-"

"Far too young to be picking fights like this?" Sasuke interrupted. "Yeah, shut your patronising ass up, old man."

"Hm. Fine then." The Raikage blurred towards them.

He was met by a purple shield, one much larger and much stronger than the ribcage that had briefly appeared earlier in the fight.

Sasuke staggered to his feet with a shout of rage and pain, offering one hand to Gaara and pulling him up too, as the armoured Susanno came into being around them.

" _Fuck_ the power of teamwork and tactics." He spat out some blood. "The power of bullshit dojutsu spamming, that's where it's at. Gaara?"

The ex-Jinchurikki looked away from the sword still stuck in his chest and up at his partner. "L-Listening?"

"New plan. Flail wildly at him with your sand. I'll set it all on fire with Amaterasu."

Haku and Sai dove into the relative safety of the Susanno just before the entire building began to tear itself apart.

* * *

The bridge sagged. Mud dripped to the ground from either side, and Hinata and Naruto clashed on top, duelling on the unstable and viscous surface like it was smooth stone.

"Stop it!" Naruto begged. "Turn it off, Hinata, you're killing yourself-"

"Like hell!" She shot back. With the Vishnu she was almost as fast as him, and with the four arms she was outclassing him in Taijutsu again (as it should be.) Not to mention he'd told her there were limits on how many shadow clones he could summon in sage mode, and she was _not_ going to let him make those hand seals.

Of course, this entire strategy had one flaw. Naruto wasn't shutting up.

"Didn't he order the murder of your own damn family? That doesn't _bother_ you?" He shouted at her, even as she punched him on the face.

"I _hated_ my family! My parents cared _nothing_ for me besides my position as their heir!"

"What about-" (She kicked him in the ribs, making him grimace) "-Hanabi? Your sister! You cared about _her_ , right?"

Hinata laughed in his face. "Hanabi? I made her up! I just needed an excuse to follow through with killing Itachi!"

"Fuck, he did a real number on you didn't he?" Naruto landed a lucky hit to her gut, and seemed to change tack. "So he doesn't trust you not to betray him? That's what you think the genjutsu's about? Even-" (she hit him again.) "-ngh-even in the fantasy world he's set up for you, he doesn't trust that you'll be able to hurt me?"

Oh, _that_ touched a nerve, and her laugh was gone. "Shut up!"

"Because he knew that if he reset your memories entirely they'd clash with reality inside of five seconds! He had to make you think you were double-triple-tricking yourself, just to try and get around the fact that you would _never_ hurt either me or Sasuke!"

"You're delusional!" She kicked him into the air and punched him with all four fists at once, sending him flying backwards across the bridge again. "And just because I know you _believe_ something doesn't mean it's _true_!"

"Heh. You're right." He wiped some blood off his face. "I _believe_ you care about me."

She froze for a moment, stricken, and he grinned. "Hah! See that? I didn't even mean anything by that statement, but the _moment_ you thought your feelings were in doubt you were _terrified_ -"

"Enough!" She ran for him again.

He went to a kneel, and punched downwards, hard. Enough force to stop a small meteorite slammed into the bridge and was the last straw for the structure; it began to collapse into the canyon with an agonising groan.

Hinata slipped as the floor broke apart beneath her, and Naruto jumped forwards, catching her with a kick that threw her into the canyon wall. She landed and kicked off back towards him, landing on a falling piece of masonry, and the two continued their duel as the bridge fell apart around them.

"You think you love him?" Naruto accused her.

"Yes!"

"You think he believes that?"

" _Yes!_ "

"Then take that goddamn genjutsu off and fight me without it!"

She swept low, forcing him to disconnect his legs from his piece of stone or lose them, and she grabbed his head with two of her hands and buried it in the brick.

"How stupid do you think I am?" She howled, bringing down an axe kick to catch him in the stomach and rocketing him downwards.

He landed hard on the river down at the bottom of the ravine, sending a two metre wave outwards but barely avoiding breaking the water's surface. "Oh yeah? What have you got to lose? Rasenshuriken!"

She threw herself sideways to avoid it, hitting the canyon wall, shouting "You're not even _trying_ to pretend you're not manipulating me!"

"Of course not! You'd see straight through that, and I'm a crap liar!" He smiled, and charged another Rasenshuriken. "My gambit's perfectly honest, out in the open! I _dare_ you to take it off. Because if you really care about your 'master', you don't need it, right?"

She sprinted down the canyon wall, overtaking the falling debris and replying with "I'm _not_ betraying him!"

"If you have it on, you can't prove you wouldn't, and he'll always doubt you!"

"It would be a _betrayal_ to take it off!"

"It's _weakness not to_!"

"QUADRUPLE CRYSTAL CHIDORI!" Hinata had no idea if her Kesshotoketsu was even meant to work the way she was using it, but her white eyes were more than willing to comply. Each of her arms lit up with lightning, and then that lightning was fed into a crystal lattice that built up in each hand, blades of white opal forming with electricity charging and charging inside until they were lit up like Christmas trees. She threw herself off the wall down towards him.

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "UZUMAKI RASENSHURIKEN BARRAGE!" He countered, conjuring up three more of himself, all of whom charged a Rasenshuriken in one hand. All four thrust their attacks upwards right at the moment Hinata met them.

There was a brief moment of deja vu.

And then there was an explosion, and all the water within fifty metres evaporated and all the grass and leaves fried and all the dirt hardened and cracked and all the stones glowed red-hot and millions of tiny holes pockmarked every surface around them.

In the end, the two techniques cancelled out, and it was momentum that won. Hinata flew forwards and crashed into Naruto, and since he didn't have any more water to stand on, both were sent tumbling into the bottom of the riverbed. They hit the ground hard, and rolled eventually to a stop, as the remains of the bridge crashed to the ground around them.

* * *

Naruto's sage reserves had run dry. Hinata knew it because he suddenly stopped in his attempt to get up, flopping flat onto his back on the ground. Without the borrowed senjutsu chakra, there was nothing to keep him moving despite his blocked tenketsu.

 _I won't give him the time to get any back._

Hinata, on the other hand, was able to get to her feet. Her Vishnu body was cracked in many places, the false arms had disintegrated in the clash, and the numbness was spreading slowly towards her core, but she still stood, and walked over to her teammate.

There was a quiet whoosh, as Danzo dropped lightly to the ground nearby.

"Put him out." The man said, almost boredly.

"Yes master." She replied, reaching with one hand towards Naruto's temple. One small pulse of chakra into his brain would be all it took to send him unconscious. Once he was there, she could keep him there for as long as was needed.

He coughed; bruised, broken in a few places, and unable to open one eye, but he still worked his mouth enough to say "...Breast...Pocket."

She blinked. "...What?"

"My...breast pocket." He said. "At least, I...think that's what it's called...the weird zipper, on, ngh, on my left-"

"I know what the _fucking_ breast pocket is." She hissed.

"Open it."

"Why?" Was what she said, but she was already moving to unzip it. She could see what was in there before she ever opened it, obviously, but it was something held inside a sealing scroll. One of the high quality ones, too, designed to keep something protected from the outside world for long periods of time. She picked the scroll up, prepared herself for it to be some kind of bomb, and broke the seal.

There was a small poof, and something small and light dropped into her hand.

She looked at the thin metal plate, sewn onto a blue fabric, and blanched. It was a Konoha forehead protector. Why would he-

...Oh.

"Is this..."

"Yours." He grinned up at her. "I kept it. You asked me for a favour, remember?"

The hand holding it shook. The unblemished Leaf symbol glinted in the sunlight.

"You promised me that once you were done with Orochimaru, and done with Neji, you'd wear it again."

"I..." Hinata had no idea what to say. "You can't...this doesn't mean-"

"You swore on everything you've ever cared about that you'd come back." Naruto accused her. "Now if you meant that you were going to come back and join Sai's freaking dark master, then go ahead. Do whatever you want with me. But don't you _dare_ do it with some genjutsu telling you what to think."

"Hinata." Said Danzo, from behind her. "He's trying to manipulate you. Ignore him. That is an order. Continue your objective, and do not betray me."

Hinata brought one hand up to her face. She hadn't thought it was possible, but despite her opal exterior, she was crying.

"I will not betray you, master." She said. Her other hand clenched around the headband, almost hard enough to break it. "I love him. I admit that. But you...you're my _world_. And this moron doesn't seem to believe it." She inhaled. Exhaled. "So I'm going to prove it to him." Her hand rose up to her forehead.

"Hinata no-"

"Hinata yes!"

" _Hiragekoma!_ "

The world exploded into colour. The threads of chakra throughout her head were laid out to her in painstaking detail, and she pinched onto just the right spot and pulled.

The entire structure came loose all at once, and her mind was her own again. She brought the arm back down towards Naruto, preparing to finish the job-

And stopped.

"Oh, fuck." She said, aloud. "That was fucking close."

"Yeah, I know right?" Naruto chuckled. "Genjutsu is an _ass_."

And then Hinata realised that she was about to die.

She turned around and blocked the shuriken that Danzo had thrown at her back with pitiful ease, and then staggered, because the numbness had almost overtaken her entire body, it was spreading deep within her, into her _heart_ , and she immediately tried to cut out the Vishnu entirely but everything inside her seemed to have frozen and it just wouldn't start again-

"First. Gate. Open." She bit out, snapping the chakra point within her temple, and _that_ did the trick.

Alongside possibly the worst pain she'd ever experienced in her life, her body essentially jump-started itself, white flaking off her skin as she crumpled to her knees with a scream and her eyes returned to their normal shape and size.

But she was free, and she was alive, and so she batted away the next set of shuriken Danzo threw. And she stood back up again. "You made one crucial mistake, puppet-master." She declared. "There is nobody, and I mean _nobody_ , who can overcome Naruto's talk-no-jutsu."

"...I'll make a note of that." Danzo told her. "I would ask, after I am gone, that you please do the best you can to look after my village."

"I'll make a note of that." She told him, fastening her headband back around her forehead where it belonged.

And then she splattered his brains across the canyon wall.

* * *

Yamato blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

Mifune blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

A large group of officials, clan heads, and influential figures in Konoha blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

The entire roster of ROOT blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

The Fire Daimyo blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

Fugaku Uchiha (sat in a jail cell) blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

* * *

Mei Terumi was passed out on the floor as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and didn't say anything, but probably would have blinked and said "Yo, holy shit." if she could have.

* * *

Gaara, Onoki and A blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

This was a serious surprise to Sasuke, who for a critical moment _didn't_ squish those latter two's heads in with the gigantic fists of his Susanno while he had them both held still. Immediately afterwards, the pain in his eyes peaked to a maximum, and then ceased. He saw the Susanno wink out, and then only blackness.

* * *

A hooded man, alone in the woods, blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

Then he went "OH, you sly son of a bitch, _that_ was why!"

* * *

Sai blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

Then he paused. Blinked again. A childlike expression of wonder came over his usually deadpan face. "I'm...free."

" _Truce! Everyone truce while we figure out what the fuck just happened..."_

Sai's brain, entirely unused to functioning without the deeply embedded genjutsu, basically decided it wanted a full system reboot. His eyes rolled back into his head, and he collapsed on the floor, and despite all the circumstances it would be the best sleep he'd had in years.

* * *

 **And that ends that.**

 **I wanted to make Danzo really feel like a manipulator here. This guy was practically the inciting incident for this whole story, and I didn't want him to go down without a fight, but again. His whole modus operandi is hiding in the shadows and pitting other people against each other. Once he lost all his puppets, there wasn't much else he could do, at least not against someone as powerful as Hinata, Naruto or Sasuke.**

 **And no, Naruto couldn't talk no jutsu so hard that he 'broke through' the Kotoamatsukami, in case that's unclear. The fact is that Hinata's unique ability to tell if a statement is true meant that whatever he made her remember, it couldn't clash with reality as Naruto knew it, or she'd realise he was lying to her.**

 **He had to convince her that despite all her memories of time spent with team seven, she was still willing to kill him. Also, he couldn't make up Naruto could disprove, and _also_ , he had to give her a reason not to remove the genjutsu she would know was in her brain.**

 **Even with a total memory rewrite, that's a big stretch, and Naruto was able to piss Hinata off enough to find a loophole.**

 **Next week; more events come to light. This next bit would be it's own arc, but since the kage summit and the training with Kurama are both pretty short in book form, I've put them together in one act.**


	69. Wool Over Your Eyes

**Hey, a new fic of mine is up! It's called "Close the Loop, Mad Genius", and it's an epilogue for the anime Steins;Gate (incl. 0). If you haven't watched it, watch it, you'll love it, and if you have, maybe give the fic a read? Updates weekly on Thursdays for the next seven or eight weeks, and will finish.**

* * *

 **Wool Over Your Eyes**

* * *

"Truce! Truce! Everybody stand down while we figure out what the _Hell_ just happened!"

Sasuke sagged to the floor, unsure whether to reach up to his eyes or down to his leg. The former weren't working, and the latter still had a giant slab of metal stuck in it, so neither were doing so hot.

"Hey, Haku?" He called out. "If you're there, definitely heal Gaara first, but please get to me at some point after that."

"Please do heal Gaara first." Said Gaara, from somewhere next to Sasuke. "He's bleeding quite profusely."

"Seriously, none of you guys learned any healing? Hold on..." Haku's voice dropped down to next to them, and Sasuke felt a hand on his leg. "Seriously, I beat my Kage on my own and you lot have to be healed after dealing with yours?"

"Yeah, but Mei's fodder." Said Sasuke, Gaara, Kankuro, and everyone else who was still conscious all at once.

"Oh fuck you." Haku yanked, and Sasuke screamed with a depressing lack of testosterone as half of Kubikiribōchō was yanked out of his leg.

"OW, KAMI, dude, sure, I wasn't using that leg for anything owowow..."

"Quit being a baby." Haku held up the bloodied, obnoxiously large blade in one hand, looking at its broken centre with some melancholy. "Guess this is busted. Sorry, old master..."

"Just stick it next to the other half in a pool of blood." Someone advised from behind them. "It's whole schtick is that it repairs itself with the iron, it'll put itself back together."

"Oh, good shout." Sasuke remarked, gratefully. Then, "Wait what the FUCK-"

He heard everyone else around him have similar reactions, everyone who could was jumping away from the Unidentified Person who was Suddenly Right There without Any Of Them Noticing.

"Oh come on." Said the strange voice. "What kind of reaction is that? Is it because my pussy pops the feeling, and yours don't?"

"Okay that one was a stretch. Haku, what are we looking at?" Sasuke hissed.

"Skinny dude. Akatsuki cloak. Orange mask." Haku whispered back. "Just appeared out of nowhere!"

"'Sah dudes." Said the stranger. _Okay, no vision is already pissing me off, this sucks._

"So, looks like you all finally dealt with Danzo. Good for you! I was watching that guy, it was hilarious."

"Were you working with him?" A demanded.

"Pfft. Nah." The stranger chuckled. "Oh, right, you're all confused because your memories have just rebooted themselves. Yeah Danzo's been building up subtle genjutsu on basically the whole ninja world. Like he could completely rewrite a person's whole memory once per day. For the last _decade_. I've had to step in a couple times to stop him from literally taking over the whole world. You're welcome."

"Hey, buddy." Sasuke called out. "Not to burst your bubble, but the Akatsuki are finished. We killed it's boss."

"First, as I recall, _Naruto_ killed Pain while you were literally dead, so miss me with that 'we' shit." Pointed out the stranger. "And second, just because Naggi-kun _thought_ he was in charge doesn't mean he actually was."

Everyone in the room tensed at the ramifications of that statement.

"Who...are you?" Haku asked.

"Who, little old me?" The stranger grinned. "I've been going by 'Tobi' for the last few months. You'd know me as 'Madara Uchiha'."

Everyone tensed.

"Bull." Declared Haku. "Didn't Hashirama kick his ass like a hundred years a-"

Something made him pause.

"Hashirama was a punk bitch." Said 'Madara'. "And yes, that is a Mangekyo Sharingan that you're looking at."

"What's in your other eye?" The Raikage asked.

"Hopes and prayers." Madara deadpanned. "Now, as to the purpose of my visit. You may have noticed that your bijuu have been getting going walkabout over the last few weeks. That was us. And we're currently seven down, two to go on our collection. So I was hoping you'd maybe...gimme yours?"

There was a shuffling, and Sasuke imagined that the people who weren't blind were all looking at each other in confusion.

"Uh. No?" Onoki offered.

"Please?" Said Madara. "Pretty please?"

"Look, asshole." The sound of the Raikage's lightning cloak burst back to life. "I don't know who you think you are, but-" then there was a pause, and he went "Hrk!" and then a thud.

"And I didn't even need Tsukiyomi to do that." Madara remarked, not having moved. "Eat your heart out, Itachi. I had Yagura eating out of my palm for years, and he was a perfect Jinchurikki."

"That was YOU?" Haku demanded.

"Oh yeah my bad. I would have let Ao notice it after I was done but I needed the Byakugan, so I killed him."

"That was YOU?" Demanded Mei, who had apparently woken up at some point.

"Damn, I should just shut my mouth." Madara muttered. "At this rate I might accidentally tell you about that time I let the Kyuubi loose on Konoha and killed the fourth Hokage."

There was a long, looooong pause.

Sasuke started pushing the 'threat level up' button in his brain as quickly as he could.

"Aaaaaaaanyway." Madara drew the word out. "Where was I? Right, yeah, give me the eight tails and the nine tails or else."

"Or else what?" Challenged Onoki.

"Or else the Akatsuki declares war on the entire ninja world." Madara breezed. "Now, admittedly that's like, four people, and one of those is finna catch these hands and one of them can't fight worth a damn, but I'm pretty confident about our chances."

"You're gonna take on all five ninja villages at once with two fighters?" Sasuke confirmed.

"No, no, no, of course not." Madara chuckled. "That would be dumb. Kisame is mostly just gonna be used for scouting. I'm going to take on all five ninja villages by myself."

"You're fucking crazy." Sasuke decided.

"Well if any of you think that you could take on Hashirama for twenty four hours straight, let me know, and I'll rethink my chances." The intruder offered, smugly. "Actually, the Hyuuga girl is close enough to read my lips and brain patterns by now: 'I'm confident I can take on anything you lot have to throw at me.' There, she can tell you if I was lying when she gets here."

"Then why are we still alive?" Haku challenged. "Here we all are, tired from combat, all in one spot. Why aren't you fighting us now?"

"Because if I kill you all I won't be able to find Killer B." Madara replied, with what might have been a shrug. "At least, it'll take me a while. But if I threaten you with death and challenge you to a fight, then both him and the Uzumaki kid will have to take to the battlefield to protect you all, and I'll be able to wrap this up much quicker. Also a new chapter of Icha Icha paradise finally releases next week and I wanna read that first."

"Uh, Jiraiya's dead." Haku pointed out.

Madara snorted. "Sure; whatever. So, last chance: Bijuu please?"

Sasuke piped up. "I think I speak for all of us when I say 'no thank you', and also 'go fuck yourself'. See you on the battlefield."

"Alright then." Madara replied. "So be it. May the fourth ninja war...begin.

...After a two week timeskip. YEET!"

There was a very strange noise, and then nothing.

"I swear to god if I don't get sight back in the next few hours..." Sasuke growled.

"Yeah, now you know how it _feels_!" Kankuro complained from somewhere to his left.

There was a whoosh, and Naruto's voice came in from another side. "Whoa, you lot did an absolute number on this building! There's not even a building _left_ , it's just a pile of rubble! Hey, what happened while we were off killing Danzo?"

There was another long pause.

"...Aaaa...bsolutely nothing." Sasuke told him. "Right, guys?"

* * *

 **Some hours later**

"You're sure it's a good idea to lie to Naruto?" Hinata asked Sasuke, the pair sat together in Itachi's hospital room.

"I hate it too, trust me." Sasuke winced. "But...are you sure Madara was telling the truth?"

"About everything he said after he noticed me, at least." Hinata explained. "He _does_ think he can take on everybody, and he _does_ want the bijuu. He might be overestimating himself, but...I've encountered him before. He's not stupid, and he's not crazy."

"And if Naruto learns what's coming, he'll want to be on the front lines." Sasuke sighed. "Which is exactly what the Akatsuki want. Apparently A is off with B making a similar excuse. Whatever Madara wants to do with the beasts, we can't let him get away with it."

"Even if it means depriving us of two of our strongest fighters?" Hinata pointed out.

"I...don't know." Sasuke grimaced. It was strange for Hinata to look at his face; red eyes that had once been so piercing and distinct were...broken. There were no tomoe in his pupils, and the red had sort of leaked across his sclera. Blood dropped on occasion from the corners of his eyes. "I'm not used to making these kinds of decisions. Itachi? Any hints?"

The older Uchiha sibling was also painful to look at. His hair had greyed, and his face was a similar colour. His eyes were closed, and he was laid back on his bed, having tried to sit up earlier and failed. Wearing a light blue hospital gown, with drips feeding fluids into one arm, Itachi looked nothing like the fearsome ninja who had rivalled Hinata's cousin.

"Nothing." He said. His voice was weak, barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry, but I don't know this guy. Tobi only showed up fairly recently and Neji never got near him. We all thought Pain was the mastermind, and even then we didn't know what he wanted with the Bijuu." He made a small smile. "Our scheming ended with finishing Danzo. Good job on that, by the way. Did he use the Kotoamatsukami?"

"He did." Hinata replied, throwing out a sarcastic "Thanks for warning us about that, by the way."

"Oh, don't complain too hard." Itachi reprimanded her. "We gave you Kudos, what more do you want?"

Hinata frowned. "Kudos? What does he have to do with this?"

Itachi frowned right back. "Kudos didn't-hold on, how did you break out of the genjutsu?"

"I spoke to Naruto for more than sixty seconds, and then used the Hiragekoma on it." Hinata explained.

"Oh." Itachi licked his lips and gulped. "Well now I feel bad."

"What did you _do_?"

"Neji put Shisui's other eye in Kudos." Itachi coughed. It may have initially been a deliberate sound, but it quickly devolved into an actual fit while Hinata shouted "WHAT?" at him.

"It's, urgh, fuck, we programmed it with a command to protect the hidden leaf village." He continued, while trying to regain control of himself. "And the eyes are linked together. The plan was that if anyone tried to catch you in the Kotoamatsukami, Kudos would be compelled to come out and hit you with another one on top. It would keep you on the good guys side until you could end the fight and get back to a genjutsu specialist to remove them both. We _thought_ the Hiragekoma might have been able to counter it, but we didn't want to risk it."

"He came out of that looking like he'd been _tortured!"_ Hinata accused.

"He was under genjutsu anaesthetic the whole time, shouldn't have felt a thing."

"Why didn't you _tell_ me!" She demanded.

"Because you would have taken the eye out of him again. And then you might have died."

Hinata growled and put her hands together, planning to make the summoning symbol, and Itachi continued " _Please_ , don't remove it. It's not hurting Kudos, I promise, and you might need it in the future. Now you've destroyed Danzo's eye, it's the only Kotoamatsukami in existence."

He was telling the truth, and he was so _desperate._ Hinata dropped her hands, slowly. They were shaking. "I hate you." She muttered. "So much. You just... _trample_ over everyone's happiness in the name of the 'greater good'. And then you have the nerve to lie there and... _apologise_ for it."

"I never wanted to-"

"I _know_." Hinata snapped at him. "I can tell. You're genuinely sorry, and that makes it worse." She sat down again and sighed. "Why couldn't you just be an asshole like Danzo? I wouldn't feel so bad about wanting to kill you..."

"Yeah." Itachi sighed. "That's what Neji was going for the whole time."

They were all quiet for a while. She watched Sasuke open his mouth, probably to try and mount a defence for his sibling, but then he closed it again.

"How's the Gokei?" Itachi asked, eventually.

Hinata smiled, grimly, and held her hand out over a candle flickering in the corner. The flame washed over her fingers, and she couldn't feel a thing. "Bad. I had to use the gates to bring myself back after my last use. Everything's...cold. I can't feel anything except my own heartbeat."

"Kami, Hina..." Sasuke shuddered. "Ignore my bitching, I'll keep the blindness."

"You have the four arms?" Itachi checked.

"I do." She nodded, knowing the gesture was probably pointless.

"That's the equivalent of the full-body Susanno. As the Vishnu progresses, it goes from a surface level armour and spreads inwards, converting your whole body. We call it 'Opal' or 'Crystal'; while Amaterasu feeds off and burns all chakra, Kesshotoketsu's constructs are chakra- _proof_. They conceal your tenketsu, block draining or linking attempts, and don't let any chakra through except yours." Itachi grimaced. "If you try to use it again, it will spread to your heart, and freeze it solid."

"I know." She replied. It was something she could just _feel_ , intuitively.

"Like Han Solo in carbonite." Sasuke nodded, sagely.

"Dammit, read the mood, Sasuke."

"Hinata..." Itachi didn't look happy about continuing. "You...may _have_ to use it again."

She realised what he was aiming for. "No."

"You wouldn't even need to transplant them-"

" _No_."

"-Just touching them to the Vishnu should do the trick-"

"NO!" She shouted, standing. As an afterthought, she pulled her now-singed hand away from the candle.

"Please." Itachi begged. "It's the only thing Neji has left that he can do to help!"

"They are the eyes of the man who _murdered my sister_!" Hinata shivered in revulsion. "I'm not putting them _inside_ myself! And anyway, I only have one of them."

"One eye would still be enough to-" Itachi stopped. "Wait, what do you mean you only have one?"

Hinata's byakugan focus fell on one spot in her jacket, where a particular storage scroll was kept. "I...tore his eye out during the fight. I was halfway back to Konoha before I realised I hadn't let go of it."

"What? Then where's the other one?" Itachi demanded, forcing himself up onto his elbows in a sudden burst of desperation even as Sasuke started yelling at him to calm down.

"I...don't know. Still in his corpse at the hideout." Hinata replied.

"You didn't body-bag him?" Itachi shouted.

"You were blackmailing me to go back to Konoha! I didn't have _time_ to body-bag him!"

"You-" Itachi's entire body shook, and his voice cut out, suddenly. The machines hooked up to him began beeping worryingly. His blind eyes focused on her, and with what had to be the last of his strength, he lifted his right arm and pointed one finger.

The genjutsu hit her with the subtlety of a freight train and the strength of wet paper mache, and she had to go out of her way to pick it apart and comprehend it rather than dispel it. When she realised what he had just sent her, she gasped out loud.

"Oh, shit." She muttered, and ran out the door.

* * *

Itachi crashed back onto the bed, and Sasuke was by him in an instant. "You fucking maniac bro, Kami! Nurse! Can I get some help in-"

"Don't." Itachi told him, even weaker than before. "Let them help the people they can actually help."

"You _can_ be helped." Sasuke told him. "Remember? You said you know how Tsunade can heal you-"

"That procedure will take days, Sasuke." Itachi said, gently. "I have minutes."

"What kind of little bitch talk is-"

"I'm done, brother. The fight's over."

Sasuke tried to hold it together for another second or so, before giving up entirely. All the self-control and false high spirits he'd been holding up for the last week crashed down all at once, and he threw himself forward, grabbing his brother in a hug and sobbing uncontrollably.

"S'not fair!" He bitched, bitchily, and he knew he was bitching and there were tears running down his face and he didn't _care_ , "you were sup-supposed to live! We won, we, we fucking _did it_ and you're still-"

"Hey. Easy." Itachi rested one hand on Sasuke's back. "It's alright-"

"S'not alright!" Sasuke gulped, trying to get the words out, primal _terror_ running through him. "You're not allowed to die, not after all this bullcrap! Not after I finally _know_ everything about you! Not after I've forgiven you!"

"Now that's not fair. You've always known me." Sasuke could feel his brother smiling. "Don't worry. I've spent my whole life working towards one thing, keeping you safe. And I've done it! That's more than enough for me."

"Have you-" Sasuke sniffed. "Have you said goodbye to Mum and Dad? To Izumi?"

"I have. I've told them everything." Itachi's grip was getting weaker by the second. "Mum and Dad...understand. Thanks for your advice, about spending time with them. I'm glad I could...sort that out, before this all ended. Izumi...heh. I got the ride of my _life_..."

"Fucking asshole..." Sasuke made a noise that might have been a laugh, might have just been more crying.

"...Hey." Itachi whispered. "Hinata, Naruto...they're your teammates. If I've learned one thing in my life...if there's one thing I _haven't_ fucked up...Never let them go, you hear me? No matter what happens. That's...that's what the Will of Fire is all about."

"...I will." Sasuke promised. "And...thank you. For everything you've done." He shifted, pressing his forehead against Itachi's. "...I love you, bro."

"Gay." Itachi snorted, crying as well. "...I love you too."

He let out a breath, and went limp.

The machine, that had been beeping beside the bed, transitioned to a long drone.

Sasuke's breath caught. Then he just...sagged.

He stayed like that for a while.

After a few minutes, he heard loud footsteps, and someone ran into the room behind him. "Sasuke!" Shouted a voice he immediately placed as Sakura. "It's Tsunade! She's woken up! If you give her a few hours to get back on her feet she could...oh."

Sasuke straightened, taking his weight off Itachi and standing on his own. "Good." He replied, voice even. He reached out with one finger, and poked Itachi's forehead, like Itachi had done to him back when they were kids. "Tell her to get in here as soon as she's ready."

"B-But-"

"I know. It's too late." Sasuke turned to her, and he wasn't just a boy anymore. "For him, but not for us. Tell Tsunade she needs to prep for an eye transplant."

* * *

"How's Kudos?" Hinata checked, wind whipping at her hair.

"Good." Forsooth replied, from beneath her. "The mania ended right after your fight."

"Alright. Good." She replied, distractedly, looking at her destination. "Apparently, he shouldn't get anything else like that in the future."

"And what of his eye?" Forsooth asked her, turning his head round to look at her. "He doesn't claim it is harming him, but I am loathe tooo simply leave it there."

Hinata paused for a moment, then shook her head. "No. Don't interfere with it. I'll come up to check on it soon."

"Very well. We're, ah-"

"I know." She slipped off Forsooth's back long before he could glide down normally, plummeting a good fifty feet.

The roof of the old hideout rose up to meet her, and she landed in a crouch. Her eyes showed her some mild tissue damage to her legs from the collision, but she didn't feel any pain.

Everything was mostly unchanged from her battle here. The rubble was still roughly where she remembered it being, and Neji's remains (made from hard ivory as they were, no birds had tried their luck feasting on them) were still present.

...Mostly.

She walked up to where most of him had ended up (a few arms and, well, _chunks_ of him were scattered elsewhere,) and moved to confirm what her Byakugan had shown her from kilometres away.

Annoyingly, they hadn't lied to her.

Neji's face was cracked and crumpled all over. His nose was busted in, and his mouth was still in that satisfied smile, all as she remembered.

Except that _both_ his eyes were missing.

And there was a letter perched delicately on his chest, adressed ' _to the earthbound heir of Hamura Otsutsuki'_.

"...Son of a bitch."

* * *

 **Several days later**

"This is it?" Naruto asked, squinting down at the map, then up at the small dock in front of him. There was a single, shabby looking boat moored there.

"Apparently." Yamato said, from his left. "You've not read it wrong. We're meeting the jinchurikki of the eight tails...by _that_."

The ANBU jonin had been through one hell of a recuperation period following the release of the Kotoamatsukami, but seemed to be looking fit for duty. Naruto had volunteered to take him along, citing the power of the talk no jutsu as a way to keep him in line in case he regressed in some way.

He had been slightly worried when everyone had thought that was a perfectly reasonable and generous offer, and not just a joke.

"It's possible that this is some kind of test..." Mused Gai from Naruto's other side. Then his face lit up. "PERHAPS THE CHALLENGE IS THAT WE WILL BE SWIMMING TO OUR LOCATION!"

"Uh, we can run on water, remember?" Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah, but where would be the fun in that? Hey, I think we should all do it blindfolded!" Everyone turned, to see a trio of ninja walking up to them. Hinata, Kankuro, and-

"Sasuke!" Naruto cheered, walking over to meet him. "I see you're copying Kankuro's look. Ooh, you gonna do the face paint next?"

"You know, most people might have led with 'Hey Sasuke, how was the dangerous experimental eye surgery?', but I'm glad you got straight to the important matter. Dickweed." Sasuke, grinning, reached one arm up to pull slightly at the medical bandaging over his eyes.

The two met in a rough hug. "You doing okay, after..." Naruto muttered, when they were close.

"I'm managing." Sasuke replied, in a similarly low tone. "Spent some time with the family, and, uh, I'm holding together."

"You know if you ever wanna talk-"

"I know, dude. Thanks. I might."

Naruto broke off, and continued at normal volume "So why're you here? Just seeing me off?"

"Nope." Kankuro replied. "Me and Sasuke are coming with you. I'm your link to Suna while you're off on some island in the middle of nowhere, and this guy wants me to teach him what I know about fighting blind."

"I've got a waiting period of a couple weeks before the new eyes do their thing, if they ever do." Sasuke explained. "Something to do with my brain rewiring to the new hardware. I figured, hey, might as well get a learning experience out of it. Also apparently Konoha's in total chaos right now and I don't wanna be part of it."

"Oh, dope, more friends." Naruto leaned left, looking over Sasuke's shoulder. "Hinata? You coming too?"

"I'm here to follow the rule you set. The one about needing to consult you before running off on my own." The Hyuuga replied, looking incredibly embarrassed at having to admit to her leash. "Something's come up. A family matter."

Naruto groaned. "More family matters? Do you have even any family members left to have-Oh, Kami, I'm _sorry_ , that was-"

"It's fine." She waved it off, rolling her eyes. "Someone's nicked one of Neji's eyes, and taunted me about it. Since we've all seen how dangerous these things can be, I'm going to confront them and get it back."

"Where you headed?" Sasuke asked.

"The moon." Hinata replied, breezily.

"Hah! Alright then, keep your secrets." Sasuke glanced (well, you know, he made the head motion) across at Naruto. "What do you think? Do we let her go?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you gonna get yourself killed?"

"No." Hinata sighed.

"Are you gonna go live with a terrorist for five years?"

" _No,_ this is so demeaning-"

"Well, alright." Naruto shrugged. "I trust you. Besides, you're out of people to take revenge on. Like, literally, you've hit 100% of the main revenge list _and_ all the optional targets. Mission synchronised, you're good. Go relieve some stress and hunt down someone who's in way over their head."

He walked over to her, and put a hand on her shoulder. "Just...be careful, okay?"

She blushed a little. Then smiled. "I promise."

Before he could react, Hinata had leaned forwards and closed all the remaining space between them, grabbing him by the lapels and-

 _Oh._

 _Oh, I'm being kissed._

By the time he was able to process that there were _lips_ on _his lips_ it was already over, Hinata taking a step backwards with a grin on her face. "Been waiting far too long to do that for real. Good luck!"

She put her hands together and vanished with a body-flicker.

Naruto brought a hand up to his mouth and mouthed _what the fuck,_ before looking behind him to see everyone else there smirking at him.

"I am so mad I can't see your face right now." Sasuke told him.

" _ALRIGHT THEN."_ Naruto coughed. "Training trip, right? Great, let's go on a training trip, let's, uh," _warm, warm lips-STOP IT-_ "let's do that. Where's this 'Bee' again?"

"Well the girl with the Byakugan has left without telling us." Yamato came to his rescue, allowing the subject change. "Are there any instructions on the map?"

Naruto looked. "Uh...yeah, actually. Oh, okay, there's an all clear signal here, let's look...oh boy."

He cleared his throat. "Ahem. _How many shrimps do you have to eat, before it makes your skin turn pink, eat too much and you'll get sick, shrimps are pretty rich_."

There was a pause of three beats.

"EY YO IT'S CHILDISH GAMBINO HOMEGIRL DROP IT LIKE THE NASDAQ, MOVE WHITE-" The surface of the water erupted as a ninja with a lightning headband and a big-ass steel sword jumped out of the water, landing in a pose on the shore and rapping the whole time.

"Oh, damn, I like this guy." Naruto said, immediately.

"Naruto Uzumaki!" Declared the new arrival, shaking himself dry. "I was expecting someone of your reputation to be a little...older."

" _ohmylordyes-_ Killer B!" Sasuke replied on Naruto's behalf. "You're shorter than I expected."

A second passed.

"Konoha scum." B shot back, grinning.

"We have a job to do Sasuke try not to upset him." Naruto replied, finishing the quote, as Sasuke whispered across "Okay, I like this guy too."

"So!" B clapped his hands together. "You're the nine-tails jinchurikki, huh? I'm B, as you apparently know. I'm here to give you bijuu lessons!"

"Yeah, that's what they said this was." Naruto frowned. "Not sure how you plan to help, though. I've already let as much of it out as I can without it killing me. And unless you can supercharge my yin-release..."

"Oh, I've heard all about your tricks. Nah, we're going deeper than that." B replied. "You've done pretty well on your own.

But how would you like to become...a Perfect Jinchurikki?"

"...I mean that sounds pretty subjective like how do you define 'perfect'-"

"Shut up and get on the boat."

* * *

 **Oh, lord, that hurt me. I can't just write death scenes on the go, like I need to be sat at my desk with my head in my hands blasting 'Who wants to live forever' by Queen on repeat.**

 **So, the great wheel turns upon the fourth ninja war. And the moon. Prepare your asses, ladies and gentlemen and others. Things are about to get loud.**


	70. Training Montage 10: Interrupted

**Training Montage 10: Interrupted**

* * *

"That." Naruto remarked, looking up at a pretty dope waterfall, "Is a pretty dope waterfall."

"I know, right? It's a surprise tool that will help us later." B dropped his pack of gear on the grass and sat down next to it.

The island they were on was nice enough. Scenic. Cliffs basically covered the entire coastline, leaving no way for outside eyes to see what was on the inside. Turns out, once they'd left the dock and passed through a tunnel, that inside was actually a fairly pretty grove-y place with butterflies and trees and all that, with a couple of building complexes where their group had made camp.

It was two bases, in a boxed canyon, in the middle of nowhere.

It was boring as hell after the first five minutes.

"So, bijuu." B stretched out, lying back. "Tell me everything you know."

"They're the split off remnants of the ten-tails, the monstrous manifestation of the god-tree, or Shinju tree." Naruto recited. "They were made by Hagoromo Ōtsutsuki, the sage of six paths, using the Creation of All Things technique. They all have their own personalities, and all have fragments of the ten-tails chakra (which means a helluvalot of chakra) and have different abilities and specialties due to the splitting process. The Kyuubi is the strongest, the bitchiest, and doesn't have any special powers really because he doesn't need to when he can fire bijuu bombs that can decimate entire countries."

B tilted his head. "...Kid what the fuck."

"What?"

"How do you _know_ that?"

"Fox told me." Naruto shrugged. "What, you don't-"

"No, as a matter of fact I-" B turned to glare into the middle distance. "Yo Gyuki what the fuck? You never told me half of this shit!"

"I thought you were supposed to be teaching me." Naruto remarked, a little smugly, before frowning. "Wait, you know yours' name? Mine won't tell me!"

B closed his mouth and sighed. "You know what? Just, just come here."

He held a hand out. Naruto hesitated, then took it, and with a flash they weren't in the clearing anymore.

Naruto let out an impressed "whoa." at B's mindscape. It was a lake, by the looks of it, with wooden buildings on palisades and bridges between them rising above the waves. After a moment, there was as a great roaring of water, and a massive maroon shape burst above the surface, sending metre high waves in all directions that crashed into the shore B and Naruto were standing on. It was a...

"Are you a _Bull-Octopus?_ " Naruto shouted, gleefully. "That's _awesome_!"

" **Well met, Uzumaki Naruto.** " Said the creature, one tentacle reaching above the water and waving in a very adorable manner. " **I am Gyuki. You will likely know me as the Hachibi, or the Eight-tails.** "

"Cool!" Naruto enthused, feeling like a twelve year old again. He turned round, "Hey Kyuubi look! It's one of your...um."

The 'um' occurred when Naruto finally noticed the stark, sudden separation between the two mindscapes. A neat line separated B's scenic, beautiful landscapes from Naruto's...sewer.

The Kyuubi, from behind its bars, looked up and huffed before closing its eyes.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about the mess." Naruto winced. "It looked better, I swear, but I had a bit of a mental breakdown and trashed it and uh, was a bit busy after that I wasn't expecting visitors-" He shouted deeper into the sewer "Kyuubi! Get up, we have guests!"

" **I'm not talking to lying-rat-traitors.** " The Nine-tails growled.

" **Now brother.** " Scolded Gyuki. " **When have I ever-** "

" **You _really_ wanna go there?**"

" **...When have I _recently_ lied to or betrayed you?**"

" **Oh, not that I know of. I didn't mean you.** " The Fox didn't open its eyes. " **I meant the brat.** "

"Oh come on are you still pissy about that?" Naruto complained. "Dude, it was like a literal act-of-Kami."

"Uh, what happened?" B leaned in.

"I was gonna let the Kyuubi kill me after I killed the bad guy but then the bad guy brought all my friends back to life." Naruto summarised. "And now _somebody_ won't stop _sulking_ about it!"

" **Hey Gyuki, is there a liar talking?** " The Kyuubi called out. " **If there is I can't hear him. Because I don't let negativity like that into my life.** "

Gyuki sighed. " **Come now, you're being unreasonable K-** "

" ** _DON'T_. Say my name or I will tear you to _pieces_.**" The Fox was on his feet in an instant, glaring across at his fellow Bijuu and emanating red chakra that splashed against his cage.

" **...You would tell him about Father but not your own name?** " Gyuki asked, sounding upset. " **Brother...** "

" **Dad's dead, 'Ki. The kid's still got to deal with me...** " The Fox grumbled, turning back away from them.

" **But the sharing of names is essential to perfecting the bond!** " Protested Gyuki. " **How can you hope to become a perfect-** "

" **Not. Interested.** "

" **...I could just tell him.** "

" **Again, I would kill you.** "

" **You're imprisoned in there.** " Gyuki reminded him. " **Technically, you can't do anything to me.** "

" **I can tell them both about what you did to that poor fisherman's wife.** " The Kyuubi grinned, frighteningly. " **In _detail_.**"

Gyuki froze. " **You wouldn't.** "

" **I would.** "

" **It was seven hundred years ago!** " The Octopus seemed to be blushing, " **And she asked, okay, and nobody saw-** "

" **'Nobody saw' my ass. There's a painting.** "

" **There's a _WHAT_?!**"

Naruto clapped his hands, loudly, deciding he did not want to know what that was all about. "Soooooooo...'Perfect Jinchurikki'. You two keep talking about it, what's it mean?"

B, looking _very_ perturbed by the bickering Bijuu, shook his head and looked down at Naruto. "Right, yeah. So it's a well known fact that when a Bijuu feeds chakra to its Jinchurikki, the host's own chakra network gets stronger due to the two interacting. The beast can give you chakra using the 'tails' cloaks. Everyone can use the version 0 with no tails appearing, and the one tails version 1. Now each bijuu's one-tails cloak is the same, only Shukaku can't do more than 1, Matatabi can't do more than 2, Isobu's max is 3, you get the gist. Once you're using half of your beast's tails, it goes from version 1 to version 2, and stops being a chakra cloak and starts being a _physical_ transformation. Even bigger powerup. How far have you gotten?"

"Eight tails version 2." Naruto recounted. "Uh, I first went V2 in four tails? That's less than half of nine?"

" **He's always been an overachiever.** " Said Gyuki, chuckling.

"Well whatever." B shrugged. "Now if the beast tries and succeeds to take control, either by putting you unconscious or killing you, it will gradually transform into its full beast form. I hear this is what the Kazekage kid did when he attacked Konoha, right? But the trick is, if you can really start _co-operating_ with your bijuu, you can make that happen willingly. I can pull out tentacles and shit, or turn into a full on giant octopus-bull."

"Cool..." Naruto's eyes widened. "Can I do that?"

" **Hell no.** " Interrupted the Fox. " **I mean, you _could_ , but why would you. I can give you KCM.**"

"K-C-who?" Naruto asked.

"It's only the best powerup ever." The Kyuubi replied, smugly. "Out of all the loser powerups you've got so far. Better than sage mode."

"Can I have it?"

"No, I just thought I'd tell you about how cool it is since you're never ever going to get it ever. Mleh."

"Bitch."

"Brat."

B leaned in and whispered "How have you two not killed each other yet?"

"Oh this is just the way we talk, don't worry about it." Naruto waved him off. "Go on. You were expositioning."

"Right, where was I." B snapped his fingers and a diagram appeared, floating in the air of his mindscape. "If you wanna get the beast transformation, and all sorts of other good shit, you need to allow the flow of your chakra _back_ into the Bijuu's supply." The diagram was a rough picture of two chakra pools, one with a crude person drawn on it and one with a crude fox. As B gestured, passages appeared between the two and the 'chakra' began to flow between them. "This lets the benefits of the chakra mixing go both ways, buffing _both_ of you. There are lots of tricksy ways to start this process off, but eventually you reach a point where you both share chakra freely and willingly, and there's basically no distinguishing between the two different pools. At that point, you're a Perfect Jinchurikki. This is the bit that requires you sharing names-"

" **And it's the bit where I have to be free of the seal, so I kill you.** " The Fox spoke up. " **Hey Gyuki! Why isn't your human dead yet?** "

" **We tight.** " Gyuki replied, simply.

"Oh yeah, Gyuki could technically break out and start a rampage at any time." B said, casually. "I'd have to fight him, la di da, you know the deal. That was what happened a couple decades ago when the Third Raikage was kicking his ass every other week. But he won't, cos we tight."

"This sounds... _massively_ dangerous." Naruto gulped. "Why do we even try for this?"

"Oh it's risky." B agreed. "The only Perfect Jinchurikki I know of are me and the Ex-Mizukage, Yagura. Maybe one or two others since the end of the warring states period, since that's when the process was made."

"Ex- _Ex_ -Mizukage." Naruto corrected, proudly. "My Good Friend Haku (qualified badass) has that hat now." He paused. "Wait shit that means both my international friends have beaten me to Kage, dammit!"

"-But the benefits are worth it." B continued, apparently deciding to just ignore Naruto's outbursts. "A perfect Jinchurikki has access to all that combined chakra, meaning they have the raw power of a Bijuu focused through the skillset a ninja. Strength and versatility. You can spam high power techniques until the cows come home."

"I think you're underestimating how much I can _already do that_." Naruto pointed out.

" **Kit, you have a lot of chakra.** " The Nine-tails spoke up from behind him. " **The fact that it's even _relative_ to mine is crazy, it really is. But you don't even have _half_ as much as me, and remember I've only got _half_ of my chakra. Do some maths on that.**"

" **You only have half your chakra?** " Gyuki frowned.

" **Long story.** " The Kyuubi stood up and looked at them all. " **Look, kiddies, it's been fun. Little brother, it was good to catch up. But let me be clear; I am not allowing anyone else to take advantage of me and my power. Put me in front of a Rinnegan or a Sharingan again I will _happily_ lend you my power to crush anyone who possesses those _disgusting_ eyes. But beyond that? Either let me out, or leave me alone.**"

There was a jolt, and the two were back in the canyon.

"That...could have gone better." Naruto sighed. "We'll need to give him a few days to chill before I try and talk to him again."

"You know, it's your mindscape." B pointed out. "You should be able to go in there whenever, whether he wants you to or not."

"Yeah, but I'm not gonna invade his privacy like that." Naruto wrinkled his nose. "Who knows what he's doing in there. Trust me, I'm the victim of the Event Neither Sasuke Or Hinata Are Ever Allowed To Talk About, I'm a big fan of protecting personal space."

"Heh. Well, there's one thing we can do in the meantime."

Naruto looked across at B. "Oh yeah? What?"

B grinned. "Meditation!"

"Ugh. Whatever, Pervy-Sage, I'll get right on it."

"Uh, what did you just call me?"

Naruto's face tightened. "N-nothing. Don't worry about it."

* * *

Sasuke jumped, flinging kunai left and right, before landing on top of a puppet. He heard it make an impressive rendition of a scream before he ripped it's head off, dropping to the floor behind it. He heard the whistling of a blade coming in towards his head and brought a sword up to block it.

He did not hear the wooden leg that swept out from behind him, cutting his legs out and dropping him to the floor.

"Twelve seconds and a bit!" Called Kankuro from one side.

"Fuck you." Sasuke groaned, getting back to his feet.

"You can't ask me to time you and then get pissed when I do it."

"I can and I will." Sasuke stretched. "I was making progress that time. Let's go again."

"Why are we even doing this?" Kankuro asked. "You get your sight back inside of a fortnight, right?"

"Exactly. I've got a short period where I can do this without cheating." Sasuke sighed. "Look. Do you know how many fights I've had to win using my bullshit dojutsu? Because the answer is, like, most of them. It feels kinda like cheating, like, I don't know, I'm only winning cos of this power I was born with."

"You had to watch your teammates and sibling die to get those powers." Kankuro reminded him.

"Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. Point is, I wanna prove I can do it without all that. That I'm more than the eyes."

"Mmhmm." Replied Kankuro, sounding distracted.

"And that's why-"

There was a tug, and Sasuke yelped as something grabbed one of his legs and yanked him upwards, dangling him above the ground.

"Zero and a bit seconds." Kankuro told him. "What was that about improving?"

"Fuck you!"

* * *

Hinata walked through the cave. It had a bunch of weird glowy ball things in it and she had no idea what they were and didn't particularly care. Weirder still was that they all seemed to show her images of her childhood.

It was, like, 80% Naruto.

That was a little embarrassing.

She spied an exit to the cave and moved towards it, taking a second to curse the fact that she couldn't see everything properly. She knew she could use her base byakugan without it killing her, but something about this cave was ruining her vision. There was...something about the place that was messing with the fabric of the world around her and making her dojutsu less than useless.

Her gut said that there was some kind of space-time ninjutsu going on, and if there was one thing any genin had learned from school, it was 'you do not screw around with space-time ninjutsu without a PhD in the subject. Not unless you want to end up with that one guy who's corpse is currently sharing atom-space with Konoha's cliff.'

So she allowed the lack of vision, for now.

And as she approached the exit, her thoughts went to the letter she had found atop Neji's corpse.

 _Dear Hyuuga,_ the inside had read:

 _This letter lies atop the body of the most intolerable meddler of your age, who's plots within plots spread deep across the world and to places you could not possibly imagine._

 _He has caused me great duress over the years, and so now that he is dead, I have taken from him some small recompense._

 _I should thank you for slaying him, and yet I notice that you have taken one of his eyes with you._

 _I would very much like to have it._

 _Thirty leagues southeast of this structure is a cave, through which you will be able to access my home. You are invited to come and meet me, where we might discuss matters further._

 _If you require more motivation; I intend to crash the moon into the planet and kill everyone on it. I do not need your eye to accomplish this. If you cooperate with me, I will spare yourself and a certain amount of your loved ones from the complete annihilation of your species._

 _If you still do not wish to talk, you will at least need to confront me if you wish to mount a futile attempt to stop me._

 _Come alone, or the cave will not permit you to pass._

 _Sincerely;_

 _Toneri, last of the Otsutsuki._

It was, she had to admit, a really damn good letter from a family-politics-shit-talking perspective.

She was still gonna go kick his ass.

Neji's eye hung heavy in her pocket as she stepped out into the light, shielding her own eyes and taking a look around.

She looked out, trying to see the horizon. Then looked up, and up, and up...

"Huh. He wasn't fucking kidding." She said, thinking of Itachi's last genjutsu as she came to terms with being on the inside of a very, very large globe.

"...I'm on the inside of the moon."

* * *

Tobi felt the tug of Kamuiy as he appeared in the Akatsuki base, and immediately realised he wasn't alone.

He turned, slowly, and saw a hooded figure stooped in the shadows of the Demonic Statue.

It would have been hard to tell who the intruder was, but, well, the Byakugan is bullshit.

"Uh, Kabuto, right?" He asked. "Rochi-kun's boy-toy?"

"Wow, leading with the shoutout to the dead master?" The young man stood, and pulled down his hood. "I see why you weren't in charge of Akatsuki PR."

Tobi tilted his head, taking in Kabuto's form. Grey-green scales covered his entire body, and his eyes were yellow and slitted. Tobi frowned under his mask. "You made your dick bigger?"

"I-What?" Kabuto recoiled a little.

"Your dick." Tobi told him. "Last time I looked it was smaller."

"I combined my DNA with that of half a dozen unique and powerful bloodlines, including Lord Orochimaru's." Kabuto sighed. " _Yes_ , my dick got bigger, but that wasn't the _point_ -"

"If your such an ubermensch now why do you still need glasses?" Tobi asked, pointing to the spectacles. "You've obviously done something to your eyes-"

"I don't _need_ them." Kabuto bit out, flushing slightly. "They're there for the Aesthetic. Are you not going to ask me why I'm here?"

"Well not since it's pissing you off so much."

Kabuto glared, and Tobi relented. "Gasp! Intruder! What are you doing in my bachelor pad?"

"Thank you-"

"Is it to seduce me?"

"NO!" Kabuto shouted, angrily. "I'm here with an offer."

"I'm not interested in your science dick-"

"I'm not offering you my body." Kabuto exhaled, and smiled. "But I _am_ offering you quite a few others."

Tobi nodded. "Ah, I see. Hookers."

"For the love of-" Kabuto threw up one hand and flexed his chakra. Tobi almost killed him there, but realised that he wasn't picking a fight. Ten or so coffins rose up from the ground, and at another gesture from the Snake-man, some of their lids popped off.

Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu, Neji...and Nagato.

"Edo tensei." Tobi remarked, letting himself be serious for a moment. "Don't you need a little bit of their DNA or chakra to make these? Not to mention a human sacrifice."

"I've been busy picking up after a lot of messes." Kabuto replied, smugly. "And as for the human sacrifices-" He slapped the side of the statue. "This bad boy can fit so many fucking human souls in it."

"Ooooh, nice one." Tobi threw out some finger-guns.

"Thank you. You know, your Zetsu is such a fascinating creature. There's the black one, and then...millions of these little cell thingies hidden in this here statue. I channeled in some sage chakra, and poof! Free bodies! And they _count_ , too. You could use the reaper death seal with these. Or in my case, sacrifice them to bring back some zombies. I can only get so many right now, but..."

"You asked me to ask you why you were here." Tobi pointed out, entirely unhappy with how much the young man knew. "And now you're just flexing your dead guy collection. Are these the hookers? As much as I want to get in Naggy-kun's pants I draw the line where it comes to the dead."

"Very well, allow me to be more straightforward." Kabuto turned back to look at him. "You want to pick a fight with the five nations. I want in."

"I'm _not_ sharing the bijuu with you." Tobi deadpanned. "My collection's almost complete."

"I don't want the bijuu." Kabuto's expression soured. "I _want_ Hinata Hyuuga. Specifically, I want her head on a spike, while her headless body serves as my maid. I even have the outfit picked out."

"Damn. I thought I had issues." Tobi shivered. "Thanks for the offer, but I don't need your help."

"Really?" Kabuto said. "Ah, of course. Fighting all five Kage and their servants isn't much of a challenge for Madara Uchiha."

"I am pretty dope." Tobi admitted.

Kabuto smiled again. "So, wouldn't you like to have Madara on your side?"

Again, Tobi almost killed him. Instead he controlled himself, remaining very still and asking "Now whatever do you mean?"

Kabuto snapped his fingers, and another coffin appeared in the room. Tobi's fists tightened, his eye showing him the contents long seconds before it actually opened.

"Funny." Remarked Kabuto, leaning on the coffin. "You can't summon the soul of someone who's still living from the pure lands. So," he pat the corpse of Madara Uchiha on the head, "If I've got him reanimated here...who are you?"

Seconds ticked by.

"...Of course I don't really care." Kabuto continued, breaking the tension and stretching calmly. "Here's the deal; if you help me get my hands on someone with wood release, I can get you an army of thousands of white Zetsu, and hundreds of the strongest ninja in history. I'm talking all the Kage (except the Hokage, they're all in the Reaper's belly and I can't get in there), all the seven swordsmen of the mist, all the Akatsuki, as you can see. And," he flicked a finger, and Nagato and Madara opened their eyes. Purple concentric circles were revealed.

"How in the actual fuck?" Tobi asked. "There's only one pair of Rinnegan in existence."

"Oh, they're artificial." Kabuto admitted. "They reanimate with their eyes intact even if they lost them in life, isn't that crazy? But they work. And they're linked to this statue right here. And you and I both know that the Human path of the Rinnegan can drag out the soul of a Bijuu in a matter of seconds, and send it to the statue. Or they can do it using the chains, or the rods." He spread his arms. "I'll help you trap your runaway pets. In return, I'd like you to help me bring down Team Seven. But don't kill Hinata, please, I want that honour myself. I know you can use that Kamuiy of yours to put her in timeout."

Tobi stuck out his tongue and blew, making a "pthwthwthwthw" noise. "You brought Madara back with the Edo Tensei. Do you have any _idea_ how much more complicated that makes things?" He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared. "You know I could just kill you now."

"You could." Kabuto shrugged. "But why? I'm going to go pick a fight with them anyway. We may as well co-ordinate. And I mean, I imagine once you've got the beasts you'll pretty much be a _god_ and you'll want to hunt me down for knowing all your secrets, but I'm confident in my ability to hide. May as well use me while I'm useful, right?"

"You're unusually chill about knowing I'll probably betray you." Tobi pointed out.

"Yeah." Kabuto nodded. "But I also performed unsafe experimental DNA tests on myself, resurrected the most dangerous man in history and plan to pick a fight with literally all of the everyone. So maybe I'm just insane."

Beneath his mask, Tobi smiled. "Welcome to the club! Prep your shit, we attack in ten days."

* * *

 **Ten days later**

"Boy do I feel good about being free from mind control." Yamato said to himself. "I sure hope nothing else that bad happens to me, like being used as a battery to power the attack of an undead army."

That was when Kisame brained him over the back of the head with Samehada.

"There's no way someone didn't notice that." Edo-Deidara rolled his eyes.

If Kisame wasn't a diagnosed psychopath, he might have found it weird to be doing a mission with the zombie of his ex-teammate. As was, he just chucked Yamato's form over. "Get him on the clay bird, get him back to base." He grunted. "But you're right. I'll cause a scene, give you a chance to escape."

"You got it, boss." Deidara began to fly away, and Kisame put his hands together.

The occupants of the boxed-canyon-in-the-island-in-the-middle-of-nowhere _definitely_ noticed the geyser of water the exploded outwards from the trees, flattening a good chunk of the woods. Kisame stood in the middle of the devastation and waited, seeing multiple dots from around the area begin to move towards him.

"That's fifty ryo!" Shouted the blind puppeteer, reaching Kisame first, "I bet fifty ryo they'd find us inside of two weeks! Gai, pay up!"

"I'll pay you later!" Shouted the Taijutsu master, beginning to glow with a green aura as he squared up. "Naruto and B are meditating by the waterfall, we must deal with this man as fast as possible!"

More nameless ninja appeared, from the ANBU of various villages, and Kisame grinned, preparing to draw his sword, as-

"EVERYBODY HOLD UP!"

Everybody did, in fact, hold up.

Another blindfolded boy (this one not wearing ridiculous face paint) barrelled onto the scene, hands splayed outwards. "Waaaitwaitwaitwaitwait guys timeout!" He pointed at Kisame. "Kisame Hoshigaki!" Then he turned and stage-whispered "that is Kisame; right? I can't actually-"

"It is I." Kisame nodded. "You are Sasuke Uchiha, correct?"

"Das me." Sasuke continued pointing. "Kisame! I challenge you to a duel for ownership of Samehada!"

There was a brief pause, where all that could be heard were some disgruntled birds chirping.

"Sasuke." Kankuro explained, patiently. "We have him outnumbered-"

"I accept your challenge!" Kisame declared, far more interested now than he had been when he'd first been given this mission. "What are your terms?"

"A battle to death or surrender." Sasuke declared. "Winner claims the sword(or swords) of the loser."

"Sasuke, you are _blind_ -" Kankuro hissed.

"Kenjutsu only?" Kisame asked.

"No holds barred." Sasuke told him.

"Oh, I'm _so_ glad you said that."

"Sasuke, what the actual fuck." Kankuro demanded, grabbing his shoulder. "You're giving him a chance to take you out of the battle before he has to deal with us!"

Sasuke turned his head, and the disdain on his face (even without his eyes) was palpable.

"Gai!" He called. "What is it I'm doing?"

Gai threw his head back and laughed. "YOU ARE CHALLENGING YOURSELF TO AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT BATTLE WHILE SELF-SABOTAGED! YOU INTEND TO COMPLETE YOUR COLLECTION OF SWORDS WHILE ONLY UTILISING THE ABILITIES YOU HAVE ATTAINED THROUGH HARD WORK! I HAVEN'T WITNESSED SUCH A DISPLAY OF THE FIRES OF YOUTH IN YEARS!"

"Everyone from Konoha is fucking insane..." Kankuro threw his arms up and walked away.

"You'd get on well with a girl named Tenten! I'll introduce you to her later!" Sasuke called to him, cackling.

"So. Are we doing this?" Kisame reached to his back and pulled loose the gigantic slab of a weapon there.

"You're damn right we're doing this." Sasuke reached down to his bracer. With a poof, the two sides of Raito appeared in his hands. In spite of everything, he smiled. "This is the most Naruto thing I've done in months...bring it, fishcake!"

* * *

The light had began to take on twilight hues by the time Hinata dropped silently to the stone floor, looking up, left and right. Undetected, as yet, by the puppets that swirled around the structure, and in fact the entire inside of the moon.

It had been a hell of a trek to get here, but as the only landmark in the entire globe (a giant palace that stretched up to Touch The Fake Sun) it had been clear where she should go.

And here she was.

Her damn byakugan still wasn't working, though. Whatever was in that sun, it was so bright it was impossible for her to see anything else. That had never happened before, and it had her on edge.

She darted into the archway of a small door, at the side of the building proper. At a test, it was unlocked, and she slipped through and in.

The carpets were soft, and deep, but she quickly had to jump to the roof as another puppet drifted almost silently along the hall.

That was the issue, she noticed. This entire place was silent.

Empty.

Her feet padded along the roof, taking her from corridor to corridor, reaching a staircase and running up the wall to the highest floor she could reach. Or, the...lowest? The place was big enough to span the curvature of the moon and it was playing hell with her sense of direction. She reached the top, looking left and right at the next hallway...and paused.

She could hear something.

Her ears perked at a high pitched noise, and she picked the corridor that took her in that direction, running down it and hearing the sound get louder and louder.

This hallway seemed to feel more...lived in. The carpet had signs of wear. Doors were left ajar, and Hinata took brief looks inside them, surprised at what she saw. One was full of dressers, dozens of dresses and costumes hanging up or draped over chairs. One had an easel in the corner, with every wall covered in hand-drawn paintings. One had a _swimming pool_. And as Hinata ran, the sound resolved into a voice.

A female voice.

" _Jealousy, turning saints into the sea-_ "

Hinata smiled. _This Otsutsuki lady cant have much ninja training, if she isn't keeping an ear open. Unless she's using Neji's...no, his eye should be just as ineffective as mine, shouldn't it?_

" _Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis-_ "

The voice was coming from the door on the end of the hallway. Hinata reached it, took a deep breath, and slipped through.

It was a bedroom. A large four poster was central, against a large wall that was over 90% window. The view was breathtaking, the vantage point showing a panorama of the curved terrain. The upper part was almost completely dominated by the central light, which (as Hinata had witnessed over the last few days) changed to glow with the blue-white light of a moon.

" _But it's just the price I pay! Destiny is calling me-_ " Sat on the bed was the source of the singing. A young teenage girl, brushing her hair. There was a delicate, elegant blindfold across her face. A face which Hinata looked at for barely a moment before letting out an involuntary gasp.

" _Open up my Eager Eyes...cos I'm-_ Hm?" The girl turned towards Hinata. "Toneri, is that you?"

Hinata shook. The face she was looking at...it was older of course, but...but it couldn't be _._ This was impossible.

Neji's voice echoed in her mind; " _The universe does not care what you believe to be impossible._ "

So, voice cracking, Hinata spoke. "...Hanabi? Is that you?"

* * *

 **Oh, Jesus, what are people gonna think of this-**

 **Yeah. Hanabi's alive up there. If you look back, you'll notice I hinted it at the end of the timeskip. Why's she up there? Why's she a part of the blindfold club? Find out next time.**

 **And yeah, I really do have a thing for blindfolds. There's even one in one of my older (bad) fics. I don't know, I like the aesthetic, don't judge me...**


	71. Issues with Gravity

**Y'all ever tried to write a fight from the perspective of a blind man? Don't do it.**

* * *

 **Issues with Gravity**

* * *

Sasuke charged, swinging Raito with incredible precision at where Kisame (probably) was.

He was proven correct when his blades crashed into Samehada's obnoxious width and length. "Kami, dude," he spat, "compensating for something much?"

"Wow, nobody has ever made that joke at me before." Kisame deadpanned, disengaging and pulling his blade away to swing downwards.

It was...really difficult to describe what Sasuke had learned to sense for, without his eyes to aid him. Sound was the obvious one: Kisame was hardly the most subtle of ninja, and the constant chattering of Samehada was incredibly useful when it came to pinpointing its location. But, well, Kisame was still a _ninja_ , and when his right hand thrust out in a grab at Sasuke's face, it was done practically silently.

And yet, Sasuke ducked.

He dropped his stance low and slashed left and right, forcing Kisame to bring Samehada down and use it as a shield to block the cuts.

Sasuke was reacting 90% to pure kinaesthesia. Every time he touched Samehada, he could feel where Kisame was exerting force from (and everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly). He could feel where the strange shark-man was pushing from, what angle his arms were at, how his feet were planted (which in turn let him dodge the kick that was thrown out at him).

He felt the wind on his skin, an inevitable side effect of the mass of the attacking weapon and the speed at which it was displacing the air, and was able to sway away from the oversized cleaver's vertical chops. He jumped high above its following low sweep, temporarily releasing his swords to make the hand seals for the great fireball before grabbing them out of the air again and charging them with electricity as he completed the manoeuvre. Kisame, on his part, brought up the sword and swung it above his head to catch the flames with pitiful ease. The explosive tag (that Sasuke had left before beginning the jump) did detonate on time, and _should_ have forced Kisame into a position where he had to stop two attacks from two separate directions, but he just...ignored it. _Oh yeah, the damage on that thing is way too low this late in the game. Unless I get him to_ swallow _one, premade explosives aren't gonna help me here._

"Chidori!" Sasuke shouted, stabbing forwards with both Raito, but again, Kisame brought Samehada up in the way, and the attack collided harmlessly into the weapon's surface. It just...rustled louder.

"Not gonna help you, kid." Kisame told him, smirk audible. "Samehada here eats chakra for breakfast. Literally, I gotta feed it. You're just doing me a favour."

 _Well, shit._ "For the first time in a long time, it's not actually hypocritical for me to say this: _Your powers are bullshit."_

"Noted."

Kisame let out a roar and went on the offensive, and oh, boy, was it an offensive. He swung the obnoxious sword of his like it didn't weigh anything at all, and swung it like a motherfucking professional too, cos _hey, the guy with the strongest sword in the group SPECIFICALLY RENOWNED for swordsplay is a good fucking swordsman. Who'd'a thunk it._

Sasuke gave ground, being battered backwards, until inevitably (yep, tree stump-) he stumbled under the pressure. A boot to the chest dropped him, and Kisame jumped, swinging Samehada all the way round in a meteor attack that would probably bury Sasuke a good twenty feet until into the ground if it landed. However, Kisame had just made his first mistake of the battle. When you stop using your chakra to anchor yourself to the ground, you become a victim to all of Newton's unpleasantness. Sasuke switched swords, and swung.

There was a _boom_ , as Shibuki collided against Samehada. The blastsword definitely did not use chakra, at least not in a way that could be easily eaten, and while Sasuke was slammed (pretty painfully, mind you) back onto the ground, Kisame was thrown tens of metres backwards through the air.

Sasuke thought that maybe the extra space would do him good.

How innocent of him.

"Water style!" Kisame shouted. "Tsunami!"

From the roaring, Sasuke got a pretty good impression of just how much water was charging towards him, and holy shit was it a lot.

He jumped back up to his feet and swung Shibuki again, the explosion impacting the liquid's surface and buckling it, leaving him in a temporary dome of air as the water crashed down all around him.

He was switching swords again when the wall of water in front of him buckled, and Kisame came roaring through, swinging upwards with Samehada. Sasuke brought Kubikiribochō down to block (the only sword he had that was big enough to effectively counter his opponent's) but had to let himself leave the floor to stop the attack breaking both his arms. He was punted upwards, breaking through into the water above him and then ( _I'm sure as hell not staying submerged in here with_ him) he thrust himself further upwards until he broke to the water's surface again.

Immediately, he slipped, almost falling entirely, as the force from the water on his feat and his sense of gravity and the sounds from all around him resolved into one inescapable conclusion.

 _Oh you gotta be shitting me._

He was balancing on the wavefront. The water was still moving, still spreading outwards from the point of the initial jutsu across the whole damn valley. Kisame popped up to join Sasuke there as the water at the top peaked above them, curling over both their heads.

Both combatants paused, and started laughing.

 _I am using my ninja powers to SURF on a FIFTY FOOT WAVE while SWORDFIGHTING a MISSING-NIN._

 _...My life is fucking awesome._

"Water clone jutsu!" Shouted Kisame, and "Shadow clone jutsu!" copied Sasuke, and four of each ninja crashed into each other on the surface of the wave, slipping and sliding along the moving, fluid, near vertical surface, and if this wasn't the ultimate test of chakra control then Sasuke didn't know what was. He threw himself against his personal Kisame, knowing this one was a clone, and that he had an advantage here; Kisame's clones were _weaker_ than he was, while Sasuke's were (ignoring the chakra deficiency) exact copies of him. And still blind. But he was damn well making it work. He was stronger than the clone he was facing, and was able to slowly batter it back across the wave, managing to get a height advantage over it and pummel it with gravity's assistance. Eventually, he was able to knock the fake's sword away and pull off a beheading swipe that turned the entire thing to water, which in turn crashed sideways into the wave. That was when Sasuke realised there was a problem.

Dimly, he'd kept track of the battles going on around him, and noticed a bit of a disconnect; one of his clones had popped, and he hadn't received a rush of memories. _What the-_ (Samehada was rustling) _oh, shit. It drains chakra. It can consume the clones. That was 25% of my reserves in one kill._

"Dispel yourselves!" He shouted to his remaining clones, feeling the reassuring rush of the rest of his power back ( _seriously, how is Naruto so chill with this_ ), and tried to come to terms with the fact that he was now being charged by three Kisame at once.

 _And without my eyes, I can't tell who's real. Does it even matter? Come on, Sasuke, think! What's different about the clones? They're slower? If he's smart, he'll just limit himself to their level!_

They were all almost on top of him when he had an idea. Praying he was right, he jumped away from the wave, spinning, positioning himself so his head was downwards ( _no, sideways, Kami this is confusing_ ) and put his hands to his lips. "Great fireball!" As he span, the flames span with him, blasting out in all directions.

There were two dull pops.

Sasuke grinned, making more hand seals, as the remaining, real Kisame cut through the flames as though they weren't there.

 _Shadow clones are just avatars. Their clothing isn't real cloth, it's just more clone. Same with their equipment, and weapons. Cloned explosive tags can't go off like the original...so cloned Samehadas can't absorb chakra._

"Lightning release!" Sasuke started, and then his outstretched feet _crashed_ into rock so suddenly his legs buckled and his entire technique was thrown, _What the-_

On the wave, Kisame barked out a laugh, and _of course_ , Sasuke had hit the cliff. They'd run out of valley for the wave to travel through, and now Sasuke was about to get caught between a rock and a hard _bastard_.

"Batter up!" Shouted Kisame.

Sasuke got one foot underneath him, and sucked in a breath.

Then, when Samehada was less than a foot in front of his face, his entire body flashed purple, and he was gone.

* * *

Hanabi Hyuuga tilted her head to one side, moonlight framing her face. "Yes? Um, who are you?"

Hinata's head was ringing, the room seemed to be spinning around her-

"Han-Hanabi? Hanabi it's me! It's Hinata, I'm-"

"Hinata?" Hanabi's face exploded into one of sheer joy and she jumped up off the bed. "Big sis!" She ran over and crashed into Hinata, throwing her arms around her. Hinata was too shocked to respond. "You-I-"

"I've missed you so much!" Hanabi gushed. "Ever since I first came up here I always wanted you to come up and meet me, but Toneri always said it was too dangerous, and-"

"Brought here?" Hinata grabbed her sister's shoulders, arms tense. "Hanabi, who-"

But, of course, she already knew the answer.

"Neji did!" Hanabi beamed. "One morning I woke up, and me and him and Itachi were all on the road together! Apparently there was something really dangerous going on in the village that meant that I had to leave, but they both promised me that you were safe, and told me I shouldn't worry, and Toneri said that there was a genjutsu on me to stop me panicking because at the time I just thought it was a really cool adventure, and they brought me through that weird cave that gave me the funny dreams, and then we came up here and I was-"

 _Neji didn't kill her. Neji_ was...

"And you've been up here?" Hinata asked. "This whole time?"

"Uh Huh!" Hanabi nodded. "It's really nice here! I can go wherever I want in the whole palace, and the food is good..." she hesitated. "I've...tried to escape a few times. Because I missed you so much. But I could never get past the puppets, and Toneri said-"

"Hold on, hold on." Hinata shook her head. "Hanabi, _who_ is Toneri?"

"That would be me." Said a calm voice from behind her.

Hinata spun.

The first thing she noticed about the man was his skin; it was beyond pale, whiter than chalk and lacking in the visible creases or blood vessels most humans showed. His hair was just as white, and his eyes were closed.

"Oh, Toneri!" Hanabi beamed at him. "Why didn't you tell me you were-"

"Stay away from him, Hanabi." Hinata called out, moving into a defensive position in front of her.

"No, I think _you_ need to stay away from _her_." Toneri's mouth was set in a scowl. "I invite you to my palace on good faith, and your response is to break into the bedroom of my little sister?"

Hinata recoiled like she'd been slapped. "Your-She's _my_ sister you sick fuck! What the _hell_ have you been doing to her? Where are her _eyes_?"

"That is not a question _you_ have any right to ask." He told her. "Where is the eye _I_ requested, Hinata?"

Hanabi was 'looking' between them with concern. "Wait, what's wrong? Don't come into my room and fight!"

Toneri paused. And then he said "Very well."

His eyes snapped open.

Hinata's gut lurched and she was yanked forwards through the air but she'd been practicing in case anyone like Pain tried for her again and she span around, using the pull to increase her momentum and bring her foot around in an axe kick parallel to the floor. She crashed into his forearms and they locked eyes, her white irises staring into his single, glowing, aquamarine orb. Then she twisted again, struck twice, and he blocked both, and her Byakugan wasn't up so she couldn't target his tenketsu so he caught the attacks without any real problems, disengaging, and then she was falling, continuing to accelerate down the hallway since apparently that was _Downwards_ now, and Hanabi was screaming from the doorway but Toneri flicked a finger and it slammed shut, and then Hinata had bigger things to worry about since the wall at the end of the corridor was getting closer and closer-

Lightning crackled, she split the ions in the air and then brought them back together, and-

 _BOOM_.

Starlight.

 _Wow,_ really _hollow. That crust was thinner than I expected._

Hinata flew forwards-(upwards?) in a cloud of rockdust and she was on the outside of the moon, and the Earth was up in the celestial sphere above her, green and blue and massive and oh, it was _beautiful_. Gravity reasserted itself, declaring to her body that the moon's surface was _Downwards_ , now, and she spun to face the hole she'd made in the crust and LASER-

She fired off sideways one of the most basic wind jutsu she knew to propel herself parallel to the surface, as a metre thick beam of green light blasted out after her, almost catching her feet and turning all the chunks of stone in it's path to orange-glowing lava. _Don't get hit by that, got it._ Hinata landed amongst the dust, squinting at the aperture.

With a flash, a being suffused with azure light floated out onto the surface in front of her.

Toneri was...on fire, apparently.

"Behold." He declared. "The power of the greatest of all dojutsu. The Tenseigan."

She tilted her head. "I thought the Rinnegan was the greatest dojutsu?"

" _Joint_ greatest." Toneri amended. "While the Rinnegan was the eye of the sage of six paths, the Tenseigan belonged to his brother."

"Oh." She nodded. "So it's not as good." _Why can I breathe out here? You know what, I'm not questioning it._

"Of course it's as-" He paused. "Ah. You're trying to goad me. How cute. A technique you picked up from your teammates, I imagine? If you give me the eye now, I promise I will spare them."

She dropped into a sprinter's pose, eyes narrowed. "Thanks. But nobody threatens my team."

A brief check, and oh, good. Her Byakugan was finally working sensibly out here.

She pulled up the first two gates, and charged.

* * *

Naruto stepped up to the bars of the Kyuubi's prison. "Hey, bud? You in there?"

Somewhere in the dark recesses ( _Damn, he must be really mad if he won't even come to the edge_ ) something stirred.

" **I let you back in because I assumed you were here with an apology.** " Came the fox's voice. " **Or your soul. Am I getting either or do I kick you out again?** "

"Well, depends on whether or not you play your cards right." Naruto leaned on the bars. His proximity caught the fox's attention; he saw its ears prick up from somewhere in the darkness. "Hey, these things have always been here, presumably to keep you away from me. What happens if I cross them?"

" **Well.** " The Nine-tails stood up and padded closer. " **There'd be nothing to stop me attacking you inside your own head. It'd be showdown in the mindscape, we'd be going at each other like we were actually fighting in the real** **world. And if I killed you in here I'd be able to take control of your body, or just escape entirely. 'Course, this only ever happens when a jinchurikki's seal breaks down in some way. Yours won't, and it's not like you'd ever be stupid enough to cross the bars willingly.** "

Naruto waited.

The Nine-tails looked at him. " **No fucking way.** "

"You want out?" Naruto took a breath, then walked a few steps forwards, passing the barrier. "Go ahead. Try for it."

The Kyuubi was stood there for almost a full second, before snarling and lunging.

* * *

Samehada smashed into the cliff face less than a millisecond before the entire wavefront did, shaking the surface hard enough to dislodge a miniature landslide of rocks that came tumbling down into the wet, muddy mess that had been created at the bottom.

Sasuke didn't care, having already sprinted up the entire cliff in an instant and propelled himself backwards into the centre of the valley.

He landed in a burst of electricity, and smirked.

The Sharingan allowed him to copy any technique he witnessed with it, and perfectly mimic said technique so long as he had the chakra reserves and the nature affinity to do so.

He definitely had lightning release, and his chakra reserves were pretty damn good.

So he'd copied the Raikage's lightning release chakra mode.

"What you're about to witness!" He called out to Kisame, who he heard walking closer, "Is a little something I call 'ninkenjutsu!'"

"Uh, I'm not Kisame." Said Kisame, in Kankuro's voice. "Kisame's over there."

"Oh, right, my bad. Wait, are you _pointing_?"

"Hehe, yeah."

"Fuck you!"

"Impressive." Said the actual Kisame, and Sasuke thanked Kami this opponent was too honourable to try and play tricks on him, "And tasty. How do you think I bested the jinchurikki, boy? Wearing your chakra in a cloak just makes it easier for me to drain it all."

"You'd have to hit me first." Was what Sasuke said, but what he meant was 'one hit from that thing will kill me anyway if I don't have my Susanno up, so it doesn't really matter'. So he charged.

LCM was fast. _Real_ fast. Sasuke suddenly found that he was pressing his advantage, darting around Kisame and swinging Kubikiribochō like...well, like lightning. Electricity suffused the blade, and while Samehada absorbed it from every strike, Sasuke didn't particularly care. Exhausting Kisame's chakra was never going to be how he won.

"Water release! Shark bombs!" Kisame shouted, and shot out giant spheres of something. Sasuke was going to go ahead and guess water and sharks and bombs.

"Chidori," lighting techniques were so easy in this mode, "pincushion!"

Lightning spears shot out in every direction, striking the balls of water and shocking everything inside them. There were a lot of poofs of desummoning from every direction except one; where the rustling told him the electricity had struck Samehada. "Phoenix fire jutsu!" Sasuke called out, firing a hail of burning flak, most of which (again) crashed harmlessly against Samehada, while others flew wide.

A few shuriken dropped to the floor.

Sasuke threw his cleaver above his head and made the hand seals to "Substitution jutsu!" Substituting with an object when you couldn't see it was almost impossible, but Sasuke was one of the only people in the Chunin exams who'd done that kunai projectile question without cheating. Just because he couldn't see it didn't mean he didn't know where it was. He appeared behind Kisame, sweeping up one of the other burning shuriken in his left hand and forming a chidori with his right, thrusting to Kisame's back.

The issue with the substitution jutsu, however, was that it was hella predictable once they caught you doing it. _What I wouldn't give for an instant, no-seals substitution..._ Kisame had spun once he'd seen Sasuke making the hand seals, and was able to catch the chidori on Samehada. Sasuke kept up the pressure, feeling the sword pulling the chakra straight out of his body...but smiled, and tugged his left arm. "Ninja tip for the uninitiated." He panted. "If you're gonna keep using the same trick, your opponent's gonna find a way around it."

The ninja wire on the shuriken very pointedly _didn't_ glint, because Sasuke had _learned_ , and gotten a special paint for them to stop his opponents noticing his schemes right before they came to fruition. Unlike Raikage A, and Kimimaro before him, Kisame didn't see the oncoming threat. Not until Kubikiribochō, tied to the other end of the wire, flew forwards and buried itself in his back.

The shark-man made a "hrk!" noise, and Sasuke darted in past his guard, grabbing his sword and tearing it back out with a very nasty noise.

"I'm calling this the Kimimaro special." He told his opponent, who he could hear falling to one knee. "See that, motherfucker? You just witnessed character development."

"He he heh...not bad." Muttered Kisame, spitting on the floor. "Not bad at all."

And Sasuke promptly shat himself.

 _Remember, Sasuke_. Itachi's words came back to him again. _When a seemingly downed opponent starts complementing you and/or laughing maniacally, it's time to start worrying._

The rustling intensified.

"Just once, I'd like to run someone through, and for that person to actually die." Sasuke sighed. "Someone gimme a sit-rep! What's happening to him?"

"He's turning into a shark-man!" Shouted Kankuro.

"What, more than he already is?"

And then he barely brought up his sword in time to prevent his stomach being punched in.

* * *

Toneri held up his right arm and shot out a beam of blue energy at Hinata, and she strafed right, analysing it's constitution with her eyes. It was...adamantine. Like Naruto's chains. It would neutralise anything she threw at it. And he was _covered_ in the stuff.

 _Bullshit_. She thought, dodging another beam and running even closer, _my powerup may block chakra but it doesn't_ stop attacks working _if they hit me! And I have to kill myself to use it!_

She darted left and he tracked her, raising his left arm to fire, but there was a crackling of light and then he yanked the limb back in pain. That let her close in, giving her an opening to swing a lionfist for his head.

He just...moved.

This is why True Flight and True Teleportation are supposed to be almost impossible (without flying raijin). They're just not fair. Hinata's arms cut through nothing but air as Toneri flew backwards and upwards, charging more blasts of energy.

She'd learned something though. Whatever he was doing, he wasn't supposed to be only doing it with one eye. The green flames were barely spreading to his left torso, and from his expression, he was in serious pain. _Time to worsen that_.

Taking a leaf out of Sasuke's book, she reached into her belt and threw up a line of razor wire before he got any further out of range. It wrapped around his arm (his left, unprotected arm) and she stuck herself to the ground with chakra, making him jerk to a halt in midair.

 _Got you_. She ran through the seals for a blast of lightning jutsu.

Whatever Toneri was doing had no such necessities, and he was able to counter fast, his blast of adamantine energy tearing her techniques out of the air and scything down towards her.

It was move or be disintegrated, and Hinata chose the latter, jumping away and relinquishing her hold on the earth (no, _moon_ )'s surface.

Toneri took full advantage of that, pulling away, and tugging on the razor wire she was attached to him with. Hinata's gut lurched as she was pulled up, well over a hundred metres above the planet's surface. She refused to let go of the wire, but he didn't seem too inclined to remove it either, since he certainly could have by now. Instead, he started spinning.

Hinata's rotational momentum quickly caught up with his, and she was yanked round into a wide orbit with him at the centre. He grinned, and aimed his right hand at her.

 _Oh, this is just ridiculous_. Hinata thought, cheeks flapping from the Gs she was pulling. She made use of what limited movement she had to dodge the blasts as her angular speed increased and the tensile strength of her wire was pushed to its absolute limit. Coming up with a plan quickly, she began throwing shuriken. He batted them all aside, pitifully, throwing them into the distance, and she waited until one went flying at just the right angle- _There_!

Her hand clenched around the razor wire and flooded it with as much lightning chakra as she could muster.

Toneri howled as Kami knows how many volts and amps coursed through the wire and into his arm; it would have killed any human ninja, but his alien body or the effects of the Tenseigan left it only Incredibly Painful. The wire overheated and melted immediately, but Hinata had already substituted away, leaving behind a rapidly falling shuriken.

Now she was forty-five degrees 'earlier' around the circle, and anyone who's taken maths at a high level could tell you what happened next. All the speed that would have sent her flying away at a tangent instead had her rocketing straight towards the centre. And to him.

Toneri noticed, as she charged up a "Chidori-Lionfist!" but he was facing the wrong way, and in the time it took him to recover from his shocking and turn and bring his arm up, she had more than enough time to extend her own arm and-

Toneri's eyes narrowed. There was a low boom.

Something manifested behind his back, something black yet white that sucked in all light yet glowed and it _spread_ , forming an umbrella in her way, and her technique crashed into it yet did absolutely nothing, and then another sphere of the stuff arced down from above the shield and there was nothing she could do-

Entirely on instinct, her eyes flashed fully white. A shield of Kesshotoketsu blossomed out from her other hand, but the orb just smashed straight through it, and out of sheer desperation, she brought up the Vishnu, opal flooding her entire body and-

There was a dull thud.

Hinata fell, trailing shards of crystal, and crashed through a rocky spar to land on the moon's surface in a crater.

She tried to stagger to her feet, and despite herself, looked down.

There was a cavernous hole in her chest. Over fifteen centimetres in diameter, it was...she could see her own _heart_. It was the only colour in her body she could see. The rest of her insides were completely white, from skin through to her shattered bone and organs. She couldn't feel any pain, but she crumpled to one knee nonetheless, her body collapsing beneath her. _Was this how Neji felt, at the end?_

Toneri floated to the floor in front of her, looking at her with pity. Three of the black things floated behind him as he walked towards her. "Your powers are so strange." He mused. "But not beyond my ability to repair. Hanabi would be distraught if you were killed, Hinata. Give me the eye, and I will spare you."

The eye...arms shaking, Hinata reached into her pocket, and pulled out Neji's left Gokei.

Toneri nodded, and there was a tug of telekinesis, yet she tightened her fingers around it, not letting go. "You didn't kill her." Hinata said, addressing the eye, not her opponent. "I...heh. It's funny. That was the condition I used this whole time. I tried to believe, at first, that maybe my cousin couldn't have betrayed me, that there was some secret plot, and eventually you'd come out and tell me what really happened...but I couldn't let go of the fact that you killed Hanabi. Surely, nobody good could have ever made that sacrifice."

"Hinata..." Toneri warned. She ignored him.

"I was so terrified." She mused, throat feeling dry, cracked, as her heartbeat slowed beat by beat. "Itachi started making excuses for you and I almost killed him on the spot because I was so afraid. For the same reason I felt I had to join Orochimaru, really...I couldn't bring myself to let the hate go. Who would I be without it?"

She rasped in a breath. "But...I have to. The violence...it has to stop. Otherwise I'll just destroy myself, and everyone I love in the bargain.

So I accept the truth. I let you go. Neji Hyuuga...I forgive you."

Before Toneri could move, she touched the eye to her throat.

It slid, seamlessly, beneath the surface of her opal, her body accepting it as though it had always belonged as a part of her.

Lower down, the white slowly crept across her labouring heart. It beat one last time...and was still.

* * *

 **And then Hinata died and Toneri blew up the world, the end. That's what happens when you try and fuck with truth seeking orbs, hun.**

 **Again, these fights are taking a long-ass time to write. There's basically no point in me trying to plot what happens on a chapter-by-chapter basis because I just cannot get my head around how long each individual scene will last. I guess that's something that comes with practice, but I'm 200k words deep into this mess, you'd think I'd have figured it out by now!**

 **Also, side note, someone count how many times I wrote 'he/she charged' in this chapter. It's too fucking many, that's how many times.**


	72. Tags: Domination, Sensory Deprivation

**Tags: Domination, Sensory Deprivation**

* * *

On the outside, half a foot of water was submerging Naruto's crossed legs.

On the inside, shit was going fucking insane.

" **DIE!** " Screamed the Kyuubi, and it's claw slammed down where Naruto had just been, then swept sideways and slammed into him as he jumped away.

Careening into the endless black expanse of this part of his mindscape, Naruto briefly reminded himself that this was the monster that had _singlehandedly_ sacked the entirety of Konoha ( _twice_ ). It was obvious why.

He landed, stuck himself to the not-floor, and punched as hard as he could, but the Kyuubi just punched right back and again it was either go flying through the emptiness or get detached from his legs.

How to make the Kyuubi? A dash of huge, a dollop of ginormous, a cup of fast and a few tablespoons of raw physical power.

Add in a sprinkle of almost indestructible and mix well.

 _Thank Kami it doesn't really have a way to let out all its chakra, or else I'd be massively fucked._

"Multi shadow clone jutsu!" He shouted, and then there were four hundred of him all charging back at the monster, crying things like "Rasengan!" and "Buffeting wind!" and "Multi Shadow Shuriken!"

The attacks crashed into the bijuu's fur, and seemed to just piss it off more than anything. Naruto noticed that the Rasengan were making dents (unlike everything else) but the dents were so damn tiny that they weren't doing anything. The Fox roared, and swept its tails around in a twirl that vaporised clones in the hundreds. " **Stop your hiding and face me!** " It roared.

"Kami, you're dramatic! Fine!" The real Naruto shouted, summoning another hundred or so in a gaggle around him.

The Kyuubi's eyes turned towards them, as they all shouted at once "Big Ball Rasengan!"

The gigantic wave of blue slammed into the Kyuubi, combined momentum more than enough to bowl it over onto its back and send it skidding backwards across the emptiness.

"Hah!" Naruto taunted. "Take that you overgrown-oh, you're not even hurt are you."

The Fox looked up, eyes red with rage. The numerous pockmarked holes across its skin were hissing, but quickly began to disappear as smokey chakra wisped away into the dark. _Okay, n_ _eed more penetrating power._

" **Oh, how quaint. You and your special jutsu that you spent so long training for.** " The Nine-tails opened its mouth. " **Here's a glance at what _real_ power looks like.**" Red and blue spheres began to coalesce.

 _Oh shit._

The bijuu bomb charged far faster than Shukaku's had, coming rocketing almost immediately towards Naruto. Sure, it wasn't quite as big, but here 'not as big' meant 'only the size of the heads on the Hokage monument'.

He could have dodged...but that wasn't what this was about.

"Help me out guys!" Naruto shouted, reaching above his head and building up a Rasengan. He charged it to the size of the big-ball, then even larger, and as his clones joined forces it grew until it was almost the size of a small house. Then Naruto flexed his fingers, and adamantine chains wrapped around the whole thing.

"Wrecking Rasengan!" He shouted, taking hold of the chains and spinning the whole thing in a circle around him. "BAAAAAATTEEEEERRR _UP!_ "

He slammed it into the oncoming Bijuu-bomb, and was able to knock it off its predetermined path, launching it upwards and sideways and away.

It exploded in the air, sending a shockwave that staggered both combatants.

The shadow clones clapped and whooped, one shouting "Home run!"

The Kyuubi just looked surprised.

"My turn again." Naruto grinned, holding out his hand. "Hey asshole, guess what! My body's out there sat perfectly still! What do you think it's doing with that time?"

" **Oh, not more of your damn senjutsu bullshit-** " the Fox charged up another attack.

A razor whirring sound emerged as Naruto built up his own technique.

Both fired.

Between them, the bijuu bomb collided with the Rasenshuriken.

...Neither technique _technically_ won over the other. The Rasenshuriken punched straight through the Bijuu-bomb like it wasn't even there, continuing straight out the other side unhindered. The giant black-purple ball was similarly unaffected; powering onwards like it hadn't hit anything at all.

The main difference was, Naruto jumped out of the way. The Fox didn't.

It howled, as the jutsu punched straight through its lower jaw. Naruto winced at the sound; there was no rage there any more, just _pain_. And the Rasenshuriken just kept _going_ , Naruto could see it emerge from the other side of the bijuu's body.

The Kyuubi shuddered, and then collapsed, heaving breaths as it's paws splayed out on the not-floor.

"Uh...buddy?" Naruto called out to it. "You, uh...you still..."

It's eyes snapped open. Using its tails to help prop itself up, it slowly brought itself back to it's feet. " **Pain.** " It growled. " **You think I'm afraid of pain? Because that's all you're causing me. I am a being of pure chakra, _fool_. You could shred me to nothing and I could merely rebuild myself! There is nothing you could possibly do to cow me!**"

Naruto shrugged. "Well, alright then. Shadow clone jutsu. Rasenshuriken barrage."

The Kyuubi's eyes widened.

Naruto, and twenty more of him besides, all began walking slowly forwards. A Rasenshuriken was in each of their hands. Not all senjutsu enhanced, of course, he'd split all his sage chakra between himself and five or so clones, but all the rest were perfectly normal, still perfectly murderous jutsu.

Naruto's eyes were hard.

The Fox's were dilated wide, and shivering.

Slowly, it took a hesitant, involuntary step backwards.

When Naruto saw that he sighed again, and dropped his technique. "Alright, boys, that's enough. We're a bigger monster than the monster now."

The clones popped, and Naruto shook off his hand in mild pain.

" **Wait, you're just-** "

"We're done here." Naruto replied. "Unless you wanted me to continue?" He left the statement hanging, walking back towards the cage.

" **F...Fine.** " The Kyuubi called out after him, trying to regain some composure. " **You can clearly take the chakra anyway. You'll be able to-** "

"Oh, I'm not in here to take your chakra." Naruto called back over his shoulder.

" **You...what?** "

"You said you wanted out, right?" Naruto looked up to the pillars. "How do I open these things, is it like a keyword, or-"

The Kyuubi shook its head. " **Hold on, what are you doing? Why did you just...** "

Naruto looked back and smiled, sadly. "I...look. You're a prisoner. A prisoner in my body. You've been trapped in me for sixteen years for a crime you commit while you were literally being mind controlled, and you've spent whole lifetimes stuck with other people before that. People who hated you for no good reason. That's...that's not okay." He scratched the back of his head. "I've wanted to release you ever since we first got talking, I was just worried what you'd do if you got out. That's what the fight was for. Now I know that if you try and hurt the people I care about, I can beat you. So I can trust you to leave."

" **You have the strangest definition of trust I've ever known.** " The Fox shook its head. " **So that's it? I can...I'm free?** "

"Well..." Naruto grimaced. "Look. If you tell me right here that you want out, then I'll let you out."

" **Yes.** "

"I'm not finished." He held up a hand. "But...I do have a request. I'd like for you to stick with me. For at least the next few days, or maybe weeks."

" **Well w** **hy would I ever choose that option.** " The bijuu deadpanned.

"Oh, I just figured you'd maybe wanna save your little brothers and sisters."

...The casual remark shut the Fox right up.

"Sasuke and Hinata are amazing at so many things." Naruto chuckled. "But they are _terrible_ at lying to me. Something's got them and everyone else spooked, something they're trying to keep from me. Added to that; Pain's dead but we still don't have the seven other beasts back? And they suddenly ship us off to a boxed canyon in an island in the middle of nowhere to do our Jinchurikki training? Bull. Someone other than Nagato wanted the bijuu, still has them, and is looking to finish the collection."

" **Huh.** " The Kyuubi tilted it's head. " **I thought you were a dumbass but that that was pretty sound logic.** "

"Oh, ha, ha." Naruto rolled his eyes. "Point is, if I ditch you into the wilds now, odds are you're just going to get hunted down like your family were, and all this guy needs is a Sharingan..."

" **You think I'm safer staying in you.** "

"Oh, _hell_ no. I'm _immediately_ going to go pick a fight with whoever's doing this, so not safe at all. But we're way stronger if we work together. And I can't honestly say we're really teamworking unless you at least have the option to say no. So?"

The Fox came up to the bars, and looked at him. " **I can leave any time I want?** "

"Just say the word. You've told me you can do it without killing me."

" **Even now?** "

"Right this moment, if you say so."

" **...** " The Kyuubi looked down at him for a long time. Then it started chuckling. " **You are by far the stupidest, kindest, craziest human I've ever met.** " It held out a clawed fist. " **Partners?** "

Naruto bumped his fist against it, grinning. "Partners."

" **Alright then. Drop me some chakra, I'll give you KCM, and we'll go get this son of a bitch.** "

* * *

" **Behold!** " Kisame shouted. " **My merging with Samehada! My ultimate form!** "

"I kinda can't observe much, but I'm sure it's _very_ impressive-" and Sasuke was defending again, and now it seemed that Kisame was coming at him with some combination of blistering Taijutsu and arm-spikes. Their speeds were comparable again (how fucking convenient) and Sasuke took a few punches to his lightning cloak trying to adapt to the unorthodox new style. Not to mention, his chakra was painfully low; the cloak was absolutely _exhausting_ and the other techniques he'd thrown out all meant that he was teetering around fifteen percent and would drop to nothing in one or two more seconds.

At this rate he would-

 _Waaaait a minute._

Sasuke frowned, and thought things through.

His chakra reserves were conveniently just now getting really low (check), his opponent had entered a dangerous final stage (check), at the current status quo he was about to die (check)...that _thing_ was happening. That thing that always happened when he got right to the end of a fight with someone important, the 'darkest hour' bit.

 _Okay, so let's skip to the end of that, how do I get to the part where I win?_

Based on previous conflicts, the obvious solution was to do the most reckless, stupidly genius, _Naruto_ thing he could think of.

So he cut his lightning cloak.

Kisame's next attack shook his sword and sent him careening backwards across the canyon. The much needed breathing space also meant that Kisame had all the time he needed; " **Ultimate Exploding Chakra-Draining Shark-Bomb Water Bullet!** " He roared.

"Oh come on, that can't be a real jutsu!"

" **Probably is in the manga!** "

Sasuke was vaguely aware of a giant mass of water moving towards him at blisteringly high speeds, but didn't particularly mind. Higher stakes were good. They made the coup-de-grace that much sweeter.

"Shadow clone jutsu." Sasuke stated, barely remaining conscious as he dropped to almost a hundredth of his chakra. Five more of him appeared in a line beside him. He activated his bracer, and one by one, threw out each of the five swords he had to his clones.

As one, with barely enough chakra to toast a slice of bread between them, they charged.

Hiramekarei, the twinsword, and Shibuki, the blastsword, were both swung together at the oncoming wave, the former releasing all the chakra that had been stored within it over the years, while the latter consumed every explosive tag on it's reel.

The resulting explosion was _deafening,_ lit up the entire valley, and Kisame's technique crashed into it and was forced outwards. The rest of the Sasuke continued through, and Raito, the thunderswords, were both swung at Kisame's neck. He caught them both, but that meant his hands were occupied.

Further back, Nuibari, the sewing needle, was thrown into the air. Jumping up behind it, Kabutowari, the helm-splitter, was swung. It hit the back of Nuibari with a perfect ring, and the needle was projected at a significant fraction of the speed of light down towards it's target. It pierced through Kisame's breastbone and went right out the other side without slowing down.

Finally, the real Sasuke charged up, jumping and bringing round his sword with a yell of defiance. Kisame had already popped the clone who'd swung Raito, and moved to defend himself, but found that he couldn't bring up his arms. The clone who had been holding Nuibari grinned, as he tugged on the wire stretching through the shark-man and to the sword. Sasuke had found, experimenting after events in Suna, that it could manipulate more than just puppets.

Kisame looked at his opponent, and grinned. " **Heh. Well played.** "

Sasuke brought around Kubikiribochō, and severed Kisame's head cleanly at the neck.

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes.

Then shot up out of the water, shouting "EEEW! Ewewewew, Kami, that's freezing, what in the, fucking, dammit wet trousers-"

* * *

There was nothing. No light, no sound, no feeling. Just...nothing.

Many would say that such absence of input would be the only way to achieve true enlightenment, true inner peace.

As far as Hinata Hyuuga was concerned, it was incredibly boring. _Alright, enough buildup of dramatic tension. Lemme back out there._

 _But you can have peace,_ the emptiness said. _You've finally given up on your revenge. You can_ rest _._

 _Fuck peace._ She told it. _I wanna kick ass and kiss my boyfriend._

There was a pause. _Well technically he's not your boyfriend, but go off, I guess._ Said the emptiness. _Alexa; play Strong and Strike._

And Hinata could _feel_ again.

She gasped aloud as every sense came flooding back to her all at once, after days of being unable to feel anything at all, and the chill of the air was on her skin and sound of flames was in her ears and Toneri was stood in front of her looking shocked and _hello you~_

Her fist flashed out, and that black stuff slid across in front of him to catch the punch. She stuck herself to the floor, shifted her weight forwards, and _pushed_ , and a shockwave blasted outwards as he was pushed back through the air, stopping to float almost a hundred metres from her. "You were dead." He said, more confused than anything else. "Medically. How did you..."

There was a crackling sound. Hinata looked down to see more opal spreading over the hole in her stomach, and in fact her right fist (which, through contact with the black shield, had been practically disintegrated down to the knuckle) was growing a shell back too. She stood back up, and smirked.

"Because I'm Hinata Hyuuga." She told him. "Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

He scowled, and charged more energy blasts.

She jumped upwards, and the green laser tore through the ground beneath her, and he readied another blast, but there was a flash and a feeling of release from between her shoulder blades-

The next blast was fired, and again she rose above it. And the next, and the next, and then she was at a higher elevation than him.

"Huh." She muttered, looking at the great white wings that had sprouted from her back and were beating steadily behind her. "You know I forgot how much I missed having these."

She swept her wings back and dove, then levelled out into a charge, beelining for Toneri. She was so fast now, the energy beams were simplicity itself to dodge, and _hey, since these wings are detatched, I can use my arms for hand seals now!_

"Chidori Sharp Spear!" She made a flyby, and he swerved left to avoid her, but the lightning blade was long enough to bisect him either way.

Again, however, the black shield got in the way. He threw out another one of the orbs after her and she beat her wings as hard as possible get away from it, retreating to a safe range and eyeing him annoyedly. _Three orbs, they can move independently, they can change shape, and I should probably assume they just destroy anything that touches them. Alright, how do I bypass that?_

"Surrender!" He shouted at her. "Nothing can bypass the truth seeking orbs!"

"Oh? Am I being underestimated?" She crossed two of her arms (recall there were currently four there). "I just did _character development_ , sister-thief. This isn't a fight anymore: this is my victory lap."

He glared, and shot his beams out again.

 _Getting predictable, are we? Do you only have the beams, the gravity and the balls?_

She prepped a substitution jutsu with her two real arms while shoving her fake ones out in front of herself and building up a pair of "Crystal Release-Lionfists!", and then charged straight into the energy as it hurtled towards her.

To her great surprise, it...worked. She wasn't absorbing anything, but the chakra-nullifying properties of the beam wasn't getting through her glowing opal shield. _Perfect_. She flew straight forwards through the beam, cancelling the substitution jutsu and making some different seals.

He saw her coming, of course, and cut off the attack. He prepared a shield from one of the orbs as she charged straight for him, her clones flying out to either side, and "Hiragekoma!" she thrust her palm out towards the black surface. Her vision cranked up into an even higher register, and she finally understood what was going on in those balls, and _oh_. It was _everything_. Yin, Yang, all five elements and every combination thereof. She'd hoped to be able to disrupt it, but that wasn't even on the table; it was too pure, too condensed, she was barely able to stop the hand that touched it from disintegrating on contact.

And then the other two orbs swept round in an arc and crashed through her body.

There was a poof of substitution beforehand and that clone popped, and the real Hinata blasted up a storm of lightning techniques below that didn't even break through his adamantine energy cloak ( _Taijutsu it is, then_ ). He completely ignored her, paying far more attention to the other clone that was dropping towards him from above, carrying a boulder about five times as tall as she was. "NULLIFY THIS!" It shouted, shoving the mass downwards.

So he did. One of the orbs transformed into what might have been a mace, and he swung it upwards and shattered the moonrock with contemptuous ease, going through to obliterate the clone immediately. That wasn't an issue though, Hinata had created more, and now there were four of her flying towards him from four different directions.

The 'one more than the number of orbs' plan didn't work, Toneri spread his arms wide and the three balls merged together, sweeping round him into a spherical shield that encompassed a ten metre radius around him.

Hinata's three clones crashed into it and instantly dispelled, but the real her was already making the substitution seals with her second pair of hands.

As far as she was concerned, the substitution jutsu was _massively_ underrated. Especially with her eyes that let her 'see' things that were basically anywhere. It's main drawback was that it took two hands and a lot of focus to cast, and that any ninja worth their salt knew immediately what you were trying to do while you used it.

She was beginning to get the feeling, however, that Toneri wasn't really a ninja worth his salt at all.

She finished the technique, and substituted with one of the shards of leftover boulder that had fallen when he'd destroyed it. Fallen _within_ the shield.

He barely had any time to look up at her in surprise before she swung down a lionfist and punched him right in his stupid face.

* * *

Sasuke landed in a crouch, Kubikiribocho held over his shoulders, and strained his ears as hard as he could.

There was a thud from behind him, as Kisame's body hit the floor, but nothing to suggest that his opponent had another bossfight stage.

He exhaled, loudly, and stood up-

Then leapt as far away as he could as there was a horrible _rending_ sound from the position of Kisame's corpse.

"Uh, can someone explain to me what's happening?" He shouted.

"What in all the sweet swirling sands of Suna..." was all Kankuro said.

Gai filled in, all the usual bravado in his voice missing. "It's... _eating_ him."

The noise stopped, with one last rustle. Sasuke was, for once, very glad he couldn't see what had just happened.

"Samehada's just lying there innocuously isn't it." He deadpanned.

"Yyyyup." Kankuro said, popping the P. Then, after a long few seconds, "What, I'm not touching it. Go pick it up!"

"What? Why do I have to pick it up!"

"One of us has to, we can't exactly leave it here. Besides, I thought you said you wanted all seven swords!"

"It just ate the last-" Sasuke scowled. "Fuckin..fine." He walked to where he remembered it dropping. A quick stomp on the ground nearby told him where it's main body was, and where the hilt stuck out. He reached out, gingerly...and touched the shaft.

 _Hehe, touched the shaft-_

 **Greetings, swordsman.**

Sasuke screeched with all the masculinity of a six year old soprano and jumped back another ten metres. "What the _fuck_ -"

"What, what happened?" Kankuro called out.

"You didn't hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"The-" Sasuke stopped, and decided to get more information before convincing everyone nearby that the sensory deprivation had made him go crazy.

He walked back over to touch the sword, and carefully thought:

 _...hello?_

 **Ah, you return. And in only a few seconds...impressive. Many take days to return and speak to me again. Of course, all do eventually. Nobody can resist my power for long.**

The voice reverberated between Sasuke's ears like it was coming from everywhere and nowhere at once. It was scratchy, almost whispered, and distinctly feminine, even if it was lower pitched than his ordinary tone.

 _Uh, yes, hi._ He continued. _I assume that this is Samehada speaking?_

 **Indeed. I am the ultimate weapon, the greatest of all ninja tools.**

 _The first of the seven swords of the mist...can talk._

Laughter echoed in his head. **That pathetic order may have laid claim to me, but they are the latest in a long line. I am firstborn of the Creation of All Things; other weapons are forged and rusted in an eyeblink compared to I.**

 _The Creation of all...Naruto said that was the_ Sage's _jutsu._

 **Indeed. First he used his power to create the tools he would need, then he used us as catalysts to channel that power further. I am the sword with which he carved up the Ten-Tails.**

 _Oh. Well Okay_. Sasuke shifted uneasily. _So...what happens now?_

 **You slew my previous swordsman. Kisame was a fun partner, but you have proven yourself to be greater than even he. Thus, I am yours to wield against all your enemies.**

 _Oh, dope. Hold on, let me be dramatic about it._

Sasuke grasped the shaft ( _hehe, grasped the shaft_ ) and yanked it up from the floor in a wide arc around himself, ending with it held in a guard position in front of him. It was heavy, but he was a goddamn ninja; carrying things weighing more than he did was basic work. "Ladies and Gentlemen." He declared, out loud. "My collection...is complete!"

 **Quaint.**

 _Can it, can opener._

 **Oh? Should I consume all of your chakra as I did to your victim?**

 _No, no, you're fine. Uh...how do you work?_

 **I drain and cut chakra and can store it for use later.**

 _Okay, awesome._ Sasuke rested the blade on his shoulder...and frowned. _Wait, am I forgetting something?_

" _SASUKEEEEEEEEE!_ " Shouted Naruto from across the valley. "What the _FUCK_ did you do?"

 _Shit._

* * *

Hinata watched in genuine surprise as Toneri's chakra cloak shattered like glass around him.

The truth seeking orbs fizzled out, which was good because he almost crashed into them as he began falling rapidly downwards with his capacity for flight suddenly gone, and _oh, okay, I thought that would take more, but I guess we're done now._

She charged down after him, grabbing him by the throat. The proceeding event was just, well, really gross, but suffice to say that by the end of it Toneri didn't have any eyes anymore.

Hinata stabilised herself in the air, holding Neji's second eye out in front of herself, and watched as the blue energy of the 'Tenseigan' faded from it. It was left as she remembered; a pure white orb, just like her own eyes. She briefly zapped it with some lightning chakra to get the blood off.

Her next move was to toss Toneri dismissively to the side and let him fall, which was about when she became aware of all the pain she was in.

 _Oh hi, sense of touch, been a while, how are you OWW-_

Similarly to Toneri, it seemed Hinata was really not meant to be doing this with only one extra eye. _Bottoms up, I suppose_.

She brought up Neji's second eye and touched it to her Vishnu, this time the centre of her forehead. Again, it vanished seamlessly into the surface like a marble dropping into water, and after a moment, the suffering eased.

She felt...stabilised. Like the strain from her powers was finally being handled by a power source capable of running it.

It was a relief, to put it mildly. Which was about when she became aware of the screaming.

She looked down to see Toneri still falling towards the moon's surface, and...he looked absolutely terrified. "SAVEMESAVEMESAVEME!" He screeched up at her, like he hadn't just blown her stomach open half a minute earlier.

She rolled her eyes and dove, with every intention of finishing him off...which was about when she became aware of her sister.

"Toneri!" Shouted Hanabi, stumbling across the moon's surface. She was completely blind, falling over every bump and hole in the rock, but was still desperately running towards her captor's screaming voice. "Stop! Big brother, what's wrong!"

Big. Brother. Hinata's eyes widened for a brief second, then she scowled. _Oh, for fucks sake, fine._

Rather than punching a hole in his stomach, she grabbed the lapel of Toneri's robe, using her wings to slow their descent and glide down towards her sister. While she was at it, she pulled up a lionfist and started draining as much as she could from his (admittedly impressive) reserves of chakra.

"You...saved me." He managed, panting in either fear or exhaustion.

"Would you really have died from falling at terminal velocity? In this low gravity?" She snapped.

"Um...probably not?"

"Then don't read too much into it."

She dropped him from about a foot above the surface and then let herself touch down, dropping the Vishnu and exhaling. Her hairs pricked up at the chill.

"Hanabi." She said grabbing her sister by the shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." The girl pouted adorably. "Why were you two fighting!?"

"Great question." Hinata turned on Toneri. "Seriously, what on Earth is going on here? Who are you, why do you live on the moon, why did Neji bring Hanabi here, what were those eyes, why are you both blind?"

There was a cough from beside them, which was about when Hinata became aware of the old man stood right next to them. And as far as her Byakugan could see, he didn't even exist.

"I think I might be able to explain some of that." He said, smiling kindly. He had while hair, skin just as pale as Toneri's, and two eyes that were just as aquamarine blue as the Tenseigan had been.

"Who in the..." Toneri looked just as confused as Hinata felt.

"My name is Hamura Otsutsuki." He explained, with a smile. "I'm here to stop my grandkids fighting."

* * *

 **Welcome back to headcanon city where the grass is green and the Tenseigan is adamantine and the sword can talk (and is one of the Sage of Six Paths' ninja tools).**

 **I'm making a lot of this up as I go guys, bear with me.**

 **Naruto is making a surprising amount of progress with the 9 tails. Don't have to be worried about it attacking the village if you can just kill it, right? Sasuke is getting a little too meta for his own good, and Hinata finally has her EMS equivalent. EGB? Whatever, she has angel wings now, fight me.**

 **Next chapter...the beginning of the end.**

 **Literally, that might be the chapter title.**


	73. Aftermath 8: Just Screwing Around

**Aftermath 8: Just Screwing Around**

* * *

"Hamura Otsutsuki." Hinata deadpanned. "The brother of the motherfucking-" she stopped when she realised the two others beside her had immediately dropped to their knees.

"Hanabi." She hissed. "What are you doing?"

"He's, like, a super big deal!" Hanabi stage-whispered back. "Toneri said-"

"From now on if you start another sentence with 'Toneri said' I'm going to just hit Toneri." Hinata interrupted.

"Please, do not hit Toneri." Said Toneri.

"None of you need to be bowing to me." Hamura cut in, chuckling. "DNA of a dimension-hopping-alien-space-witch aside, I'm not a god. Just a man, same as any of you."

"But Toneri said you helped make the moon!" Hanabi shouted excitedly, standing up.

(Hinata punched Toneri, who went "Ow!")

"Okay, so I am pretty badass." Hamura smiled, "but regardless, no bowing. Over-deifying me is how this whole mess started, as I understand it."

"Right, the start, what a great place to start." Hinata stared at him. "Exposition me, please. It's been two weeks since I knew what was going on."

"Of course." Hamura sat down on the moon's surface, and pat the rock with his hand. One after another, they all sat facing him.

"So, several thousand years ago, my brother and I had just finished sealing the Ten-Tails into the moon. He would go on to absorb it into himself and split it into the nine Bijuu, but before that, there was something much more important we had to get to."

"Which was?" Toneri tilted his head.

"Getting laid."

The pale young man broke into a coughing fit, while Hinata reprimanded "Hey! Child in the audience!"

"Oh come on, I'm thirteen." Hanabi stated, sticking her tongue out. "I know what sex is."

"How!" Toneri demanded. "I never-"

"Uh, you let me into the _library_. There's all sorts of books in there. Even these ones with orange covers where-"

"How the hell did Icha-Icha end up on the _moon_!" Hinata shouted.

"Neji and Itachi put them there while Toneri wasn't looking." Hamura told them. "But we're not there yet, be patient. So, big save-the-world party, lots of alcohol, everything was crazy for a while, and long story short me and my bro both got hitched. His children were Indra and Ashura, who went on to cause literally _all_ the problems for _everyone ever forever._ " The old man scowled for a moment, then sighed. "Loved those two. Anyway, I also had two children. One lived her life out in the human world, had her own family and her own descendants, spreading across the globe. One remained here on the moon, with me, as did his family. And so was my bloodline split; never again to meet."

"Well damn." Hinata muttered. "Orochimaru's crazy theories were almost dead-on...so what happened?"

"Time passed." Hamura said. "And these idiots-" he pointed at Toneri, "decided they were going to massively overanalyse everything I ever said."

"Hamura left us a celestial decree." Toneri defended, which merited a laugh.

"'Celestial Decree? What kinda-when did I _ever_ leave you one of those?"

"You said-" Toneri coughed, "well, all the interpretations are different. It _has_ been several thousand years."

"Uh-Huh." Hamura raised an eyebrow.

The pale boy cleared his throat. "The most accepted translation is:

 _'When misrule takes its place in the five nations of the world,_

 _When the beasts rampage across the kingdoms of man,_

 _When the inheritors' duel carves wounds into the land,_

 _When the greatest of conflicts strike thrice, and the combatants have not learned,_

 _When the Husk of the Ten-Tails is missing from it's imprisonment,_

 _The Tenseigan wakes, and the wheel turns upon the accursed humanity'."_

Hinata couldn't help the shiver that ran across her skin, cross referencing the predictions against the events she remembered.

"But, uh." Toneri coughed. "We're actually pretty sure that most of that was made up, or changed due to linguistic drift and semantic context. When I looked, the oldest actual record of it translates to something like _'when in doubt, slay a human'_."

"Oh for my sake..." Hamura growled. "I said _'when in doubt, LAY a human'_! I was _drunk_! Drunk and _horny_!"

"But-" Toneri looked horrified. "But I found it underneath the Gedo Statue when it vanished a few years ago!"

"That was _graffiti_! My son wrote it there as a prank!"

"...the 's' in the slay was pretty faint..." Toneri muttered to himself, very quietly.

Hanabi started giggling.

"Anyway." Hamura sighed. "The plan was that they would live on the moon, guard the Tenseigan and the Gedo statue, and help out if the world needed them to. Not crash an orbiting body into the planet!"

"You were going to _what_?!" Hanabi looked up at Toneri, aghast.

"I thought God was telling me to! Cut me some slack!"

"So, what went wrong?" Hinata asked. "Why was there never any moon-throwing?"

" _Neji_." Toneri growled, spitting the word out with almost as much hatred as Hinata had in her earlier years. "He...Look. Lord Hamura's Tenseigan, _The_ Tenseigan, rests in the centre of the moon. It grants us light and power, and has done so for thousands of years. But, it cannot do so without fuel." He pointed to his own empty eye sockets. "It is tradition to sacrifice the eyes of every child born to preserve the eye's lustre."

"Wow." Hinata shuddered. "I'd call you all crazy, except my family put the caged bird seal on over half of the clan's members, so I can't really talk."

"Yeah, it's pretty nasty." Toneri grimaced. "At one point there was a bit of a scuffle about that, and, well, whoever had the giant laser-eye sort of won."

"I don't suppose you talked it out like reasonable adults?"

"No, we wiped out over 90% of our population."

"Oh, great."

"Indeed. Now I am the Last of the Otsutsuki. At least of those that maintained our family name here in this celestial system..." Toneri looked down, expression grim. "There was little hope. However, there was another prophesy. And this one I _know_ is true. You may have noticed that when bloodlines are combined, the results can be...potent."

"When Danzo combined Senju and Uchiha DNA, he could spam an instant-mind-control jutsu." Hinata told him. "So, yeah."

"Well, it was said that by combining our bloodline with that of Hamura's earthly descendants, we would recreate the power of the great lord himself, granting us our own Tenseigan."

"The 'great lord' is right here, and for once Toneri is right." Hamura said. "Such is a delicate dance, however. The purer the bloodline, the easier it is for such effects to appear. On the other hand, incest is...well, first thing, gross, and second thing, tends to produce defects that stop the special powers from showing up. It's like eye colour in ordinary humans, for example. Genes come in pairs; plenty of people will carry one gene for brown eyes, and since brown is a dominant colour, that's all it takes. That's why the Sharingan and Byakugan are very common in children, if their parents had it. But some bloodlines like the Wood release are much rarer because you need to be lucky enough to get both genes in the pair to be 'wood-positive', which is why your First Hokage was the first and last in a long time with the power."

"There's a lot more Sci in my Sci-Fi than I'm entirely comfortable with right now." Hinata warned.

"Then I'll -Fi it up some more." Hamura extrapolated, "Chakra and DNA are deeply intertwined. My brother always believed it was a force for connecting people, after all. And Tl;DR: If Toneri sticks a Hyuuga's eyes in his face he gets the Tenseigan."

Toneri took over. "And with your clan's...peculiar practices..."

"You can call them barbaric, it's alright, I agree."

"Excellent. Your hideous, disgusting, borderline racist, _barbaric_ practices left me with the unenviable task of kidnapping one of five or so people from the hardest ninja clan in the world to sneak up on. And then, things got even harder."

"The massacre..." Hinata muttered.

"Huh?" Hanabi, who had been following the conversation mutely so far, looked up in confusion. "The what?"

Hinata looked sharply at Toneri and thought _You didn't tell her?_

 _What was I supposed to tell her? He sent back, that her cousin murdered her whole family? How well did you take that at age 13?_

 _I...left the village to join a terrorist, fair point. But we're telling her soon. Whatever, keep talking._

"Nothing, Hanabi." Toneri continued, aloud. "This was the point at which you arrived, alongside Neji and Itachi. They subdued me and my puppets with relative ease, interrogated me for everything I knew. The following events were...strange."

Hinata thought about it. "You could have just...used Hanabi's eyes to crash the moon. But if you _had_ you wouldn't have needed to wait for Neji to die...but her eyes _are_ gone, so what gives?"

"Quite." Toneri scowled. "Use your eyes on us. Notice anything?"

Hinata frowned, activated her Byakugan, and looked. It took her a second to catch it, but... "Genjutsu?" She noticed, glancing between him and Hanabi. Then, after another moment, "Kotoamatsukami?"

"That's the bitch." Toneri grumbled. It was hard to notice, but it was there; thin strands of chakra floating around his mind. Floating about him, Hanabi...even across to her. "They used a Mangekyo Sharingan they were just carrying around, apparently. Originally from someone named Shisui, I believe? Itachi placed an enchantment on both of us."

"On both of you?" Hinata frowned. "I thought it would only affect one person."

"So did I, but then they said-"

"Let me guess." Hinata interrupted. "Fuck you, we're Itachi Uchiha and Neji Hyuuga, we can do whatever we want'."

"Exactly that, yes." Toneri nodded. "Here's the gist of it: They removed Hanabi's eyes. And they hid them somewhere." Hinata looked across at Hanabi but there was no surprise on her face; clearly this was something her sister knew.

"The only one that knows the eyes' location, now that those two are dead...is Hanabi." Toneri continued. "Only, she does not _know_ that she knows it. It is locked away in her mind until one of many 'conditions' are met that would cause her to remember. Not that they would tell me what those conditions _were_...their hope was that I would be forced to spare her life and put off any doomsday plans, while also giving her a safe place to stay. And in doing so, keeping the power of the Tenseigan available in case they needed it." He grimaced. "They also hoped I would get...attached to her. It worked."

"Toneri's been really nice to me." Hanabi declared. "You're not allowed to attack him anymore, you understand?"

"I...fine." Hinata allowed. She gave Toneri a glare, realised he couldn't see it, and sent him a genjutsu of her giving him a glare. "But he'd better not get any...ideas."

"I'm twice her age." He deadpanned back. "There will be no ideas."

"Well alright then." Hinata turned to Hamura. "And finally...why are you here?"

"I'm not." He replied, simply. "I died many thousands of years ago. But me and my brother did not only pass on our chakra to our descendants; we gifted it to the whole of humanity. Which we did with some finesse." He spread his arms, and then waved one through Hanabi's head to demonstrate his intangibility. "This is a geas, of sorts. When you drained Toneri's chakra just recently, it combined with yours, and temporarily recreated a facsimile of mine. Thus, something approximating my consciousness was able to appear to speak to you."

There was a pause, while everyone realised they didn't have any more questions left.

"So...what now?" Hanabi asked.

"Now..." Hinata frowned. "I was expecting to murder some overconfident fool and reclaim Neji's eye, not...well, reunite with my sister." She smiled across at Hanabi. "Not that I regret it, this is...well, quite possibly the best day of my life so far. But...I don't think I'll be able to spend much time getting to know you. Actually," she gulped, "I don't think I'll be able to bring you back with me, Hanabi. Not even to visit."

"What?" Hanabi looked downcast. "Why?"

"Because we're at the end of the two week time skip." Hinata told them. "There's...a war about to start. Someone's going after my friends. I have no idea how strong they are, but worst case, they can fight the entire shinobi world. And you're _safe_ here. Safer than you'd be in Konoha, or anywhere on Earth, given the Byakugan he has..."

"But...you cant just..." Hanabi shook. Then she stood up, and ran across to wrap her older sister in a hug. "I missed you!" She cried, and oh, was she _crying_. Tears were wetting the blindfold. "It was, it was so long! And I was so _lonely_ , Hinata, and I was worried, and-"

"I missed you too." Hinata gripped her sister as tight as she could without hurting her. "I missed you so much. But I need you to stay safe for a few days, okay?"

"I...I know." Hanabi sagged. "You've gotta tell me all about what you've been up to, understand? Like who are your friends, and is old man Sarutobi still Hokage, and is...is cousin Neji really dead?"

"We lost Hiruzen, and Neji's dead too, yes." Hinata stood up. "And my friends...they're amazing. I promise I'll come up and introduce you to them the moment we're finished, you hear?"

"You promise?" Hanabi demanded.

"I promise." Hinata replied.

"Well, okay." Hanabi stepped back. "But you've got to bring me loads of cool presents! And teach me ninjutsu!"

"I will, I swear. Cross my heart."

Hinata separated herself, and breathed out. "O-Kay...Toneri, if she gets so much as a skinned knee, you die. Ghost of ninjas past, thanks for the exposition. Hanabi? See you soon." She looked up at Earth. At her home. "So, do I go back through the tunnel, or..." The Vishnu flowed painlessly over her body, and the angelic wings sprouted from her back. "can I just fly straight there?"

"...Not to burst your bubble," Hamura said, gently, "but I can't even begin to list all the reasons that wouldn't work."

* * *

Konan walked, slowly, out onto the lake. She was absolutely exhausted, had barely got twenty four hours of sleep total since the attack two weeks ago...

And was acutely aware of the fact that the only reason she'd noticed the intruder was because he'd allowed her to.

That hubris was her only real chance to not die in the next five minutes.

"It's over." She called across the water's surface. "Nagato is dead, and with him the Rinnegan. The Gedo Statue and the first seven bijuu are gone, along with our dreams. I'm sorry, but the Akatsuki is finished."

Across from her, Tobi tutted. "Konan, Konan, Konan...you and I both know that that's not how the Rinnegan work."

She noticed that he was not wearing his Akatsuki cloak. That was worrying. It meant he wasn't pretending they mattered to him anymore.

"The Rinnegan don't just vanish when their owners die," he continued, "otherwise they'd never have been put in dearest Naggy-kun in the first place."

"You're right." She replied. _Alright, deception one is down, now I'm a traitor._ "They were intact. Right up until I took a kunai to them."

"As if you would be willing to defile your dearest husband's corpse." Tobi chuckled.

"Oh, I think you underestimate the lengths I will go to." Konan told him. "Nagato puppeted Yahiko's body for years. I think I can follow that example."

"Hmph. Yes, I imagine you can." Tobi leaned backwards and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, I imagine you did try. And try. And escalate, and try again." He giggled like a schoolgirl. "How long did it take you to figure out that you were attempting the impossible?"

Konan's fists tightened by her sides. _Deception two down, now I'm an_ incompetent _traitor._ But she _had_ tried. Tried everything in her arsenal, and handed the eyes over to everyone she trusted and gotten them to try as well.

Nothing had worked.

The Rinnegan might not be invincible, but they were bloody close to it.

"You will never find them." She warned him, holding out a hand. Paper began to flake off her. "None know their location but me, and I will never tell you."

"Why are you fighting this?" He asked her, condescendingly. "This was the _plan_ , Konan. You've done an absolute 180 here."

"I'm doing what Nagato wanted." She answered, calmly.

"Wow, you're literally only doing anything because it's what your man tells you to? Ninja Tumblr would tear you apart, girl-"

"Leave. _Now_. Or I will kill you."

He sighed. "You really should tell me. If not, I'll kill your whole village."

"And if I give the eyes to you, you'll kill the world. I will not be blackmailed."

"But you might be broken." He reasoned. "Do you have any idea how much pain I can expose you to?"

"Nothing you do could possibly hurt more than losing him." She looked at him with hard eyes.

He tilted his head. Tilted it back. "You know what? I believe you."

He moved.

She flicked a wrist and explosions tore up the area between him and her, and then she was already backing up and flinging a set of paper shuriken at him and he was just running through the explosions, and the shuriken, and he held a hand out towards her face and-

She flicked her will and the outer layer of paper armour around her exploded.

Tobi was forced to choose between a) grabbing her and obliteration, or b) dipping, and so he dipped. He flew right through her as the explosion reigned around them, and the inner layer of paper protected her from the burning heat even as she jumped upwards. The paper formed around her shoulder blades and she batted her new wings once, twice, stabilising at twice what she thought was his maximum jump distance.

When the explosion ended, he was stood on the surface, unharmed. His one red Sharingan stared up at her. "I'm genuinely curious, how long do you expect to survive now? Unless the answer is five straight minutes, in which case I guess you're safe, but otherwise you're pretty fucked here."

"I think I'll take my chances." She said, coldly.

"Alright, fine, whatever. Again, you literally cannot kill me. Like, is there anywhere you'd prefer me to stand? Any attack you want me to use first?"

"Actually," she waved an arm, "could you move, maybe, two metres to the left?"

"Sure." He walked a few steps. "Like this?"

"Perfect." She snapped her fingers, and the lake was gone.

Well, not gone, only vapourised instantly by a set of bombs designed specifically to produce as much heat as possible.

Not even Tobi could water-walk on hot steam, and he had to phase into Kamui anyway to avoid burning to death. So, naturally, he started falling.

Into the _sea_ of paper bombs beneath him.

"FIVE MINUTES?" She shouted, adrenaline pumping, _I can't believe this worked-_ "TRY DOUBLE THAT! FROM TEN FUCKING BILLION PAPER BOMBS!"

He dropped into the abyss, and the explosions roared.

She remained floating in the air for the full period, arms tense, eyes carefully scanning the area, mind spinning as she tried to think of all the ways he could escape.

When that time elapsed (actually about twelve minutes, just in case) and the explosions ceased, she kept looking, as the ringing in her ears ceased and the rumblings stopped. Still nothing.

She flew slowly downwards into the pit she'd created, ready for anything. She had hardly expected to find a corpse; the bombs would have shredded any remains, and the rain was already falling again, beginning to refill the lake.

Yet, at the bottom, she saw it.

Submerged in water, cracked, covered in mud, lay a single, red, mangekyo.

She left it there to be buried, as the sludge fell in.

She got her bearings and flew, taking a circuitous route. Half a league east, two leagues north, an hour flying aimlessly in circles checking for pursuit and then finally doubling back on herself and travelling on foot for a few hundred metres. She pulled one boulder among many to the side, and walked through the illusory wall behind it.

The torches lit themselves at a flick of her will, and she walked over to the grave in the centre of the room.

Nagato stared up at the ceiling, unblinking.

"It's over." She told him, clenching shut her eyes to hold back tears. "He's dead, and...and you can rest, now."

And then, from the corner of the room, "Amazing. Everything you just said, was wrong."

Konan's heart plummeted. _Of course._ "When did you catch me?" She asked, numbly.

"When you first flew up with the wings." Tobi replied. "You're lucky I cant cast genjutsu while I'm Kamui'd or I'd've got you sooner. That carpet bomb was pretty crazy, but you do realise that I could have just... _walked_ out of the blast zone while I was intangible, right?"

"I had to try." She said, voice hoarse. Looking up, she saw him leaning casually against the wall. One hand was juggling the Rinnegan, tossing them up into the air and catching them. On a check back, Nagato's eyes were gone from his head.

"Oh, I know." Tobi sighed. "You remind me of a girl I knew, once. Absolute maniac, she was. Dead now, of course, I got to watch my best friend kill her. Hey, speaking of dead-"

The Rinnegan vanished, possibly into that pocket dimension of his, and he stood up properly.

"Please don't." She asked. Begged, really, and Kami wasn't that pathetic. "You have what you came for."

"You prepared ten billion paper bombs specifically to kill me. I think we're beyond duty and into the realms of spite. Like, seriously, how long did that _take_?"

"You don't need to do this."

"Not really no, I just kinda feel like it-"

" _I'm carrying his child!_ " She screamed.

That made Tobi pause, for a moment. Then, "Well you know what they say. There's only one thing worse than a murderer-"

"A child."

" _No_. Wait what the _fuck_ -"

Konan had _not_ been the one to speak.

Tobi looked up at the stranger in the doorway, and groaned. "Oh, you're shitting me."

"Nope." Said the stranger, stood outlined by the light coming into the cave.

"Can I get, like, twenty seconds alone with her here?"

"Nope."

"Oh for-" Tobi sighed. "If I wasn't supposed to be starting a war in the next hour, and if I didn't know I'll need that time to adjust to the dojutsu, I'd kill you both right now. Konan, you are very lucky that you're so paranoid with where you hid this thing..."

For a moment, Konan felt a horrifying burst of hope. Then one of realisation. "You're...not even afraid of us, are you? You won't get killing us out of the way now, even though it would stop us warning our allies. Even though it means you'll have to fight us in a bigger group later. Because...all because it might make you five minutes late to the start of the war."

"Yup." She had a feeling Obito was smiling under the mask. "And the only thing I plan on doing at that time is pontificating a bit to Kabuto. What you're witnessing, Konan, is called 'flexing'. Ciao."

With a swirl of distorted space-time, he vanished.

Konan sagged in relief against Nagato's coffin, and the moment she was done with the relief she let out a low growl of frustration. "Dammit. Dammit, dammit, _Dammit!_ "

"Easy." Said the newcomer, walking over to lay a hand on her shoulder. "You did everything you could."

"Did I?"

"Well you didn't make any stupid mistakes I noticed, and we're still alive. Take the win."

"He's toying with us." She spat. "Did you hear him? World War Four's starting and look at him! He's having the time of his life!"

"Then we'll make him pay for it." The newcomer let her sit for a moment, then gave her arm a tug. "Come on. We've got work to do."

Konan gave one last glance to Nagato's body, and nodded. "Right. I need to regroup with the shinobi alliance, tell them what I know. He can't have let the name 'Kabuto' slip by accident, but we can still use it."

"You do that. And I'll come with you." The newcomer cracked his neck both ways. "I need to regroup with my team."

* * *

Haku heard his tent flap open, and sighed. "What is it?"

"What, can't I come say hello?"

He turned round and grinned, seeing Tsunade in the doorway. "Well, you certainly could have come sooner. How's it going, Hokage-sama?"

"Drop the honourifics, _Mizukage-sama_. We're the same rank now remember?" The medic-nin walked in, held her arms out, and Haku ran in for a hug. "And I'm doing pretty good." She continued. "Though I'm disappointed that waking up to find myself at war has only lead to _more paperwork_."

Haku rolled his eyes. "Ugh. Tell me about it. And I had to add a semi-hostile takeover to that bureaucracy pile."

"Uh-Huh. You know, when I implied you could try for Mizukage, this wasn't _quite_ the manner I expected you to do it in."

Tsunade looked down her nose at him, and he shrugged. "What? I had to improvise, there was a problem."

"Let me guess. Were you related to the problem?"

"Oh, ha, ha. But no, it's gone over pretty smoothly. Only one or two assassination attempts each day. I kept Mei on as an advisor, which I imagine helped; as much as I want her in a dank cell for the rest of her life, I really doubt we can manage without her." He tilted his head to look towards the doorway. "We ready?"

"We are." Tsunade blew out a breath. "Wanna come see?"

He did, so he did.

Outside the Kage's personal tents, the rest of the camp was a flurry of activity. Ninja were everywhere, practically tripping over each other, moving around like ants if ants had super speed, made a shitton of noise, and also really wanted to kill each other. Haku followed Tsunade, joining her, Gaara, A, and Onoki (plus their aides) on a raised platform where they could look out on it all. As they watched, the ninja were being all herded into various groups.

"How many are there?" He asked nobody in particular.

"About 80,000 frontline combatants." Sai said, walking up to him from Tsunade. "With about 10,000 more in communications, oversight, and organisation. Hi, by the way."

"Hey gorgeous." Haku replied, smiling. "And...wow. That's a ridiculous number. How have they not all killed each other already?"

"Something about the part where we're fighting a guy with seven bijuu who honestly believed he could take all 5 Kage at once." Sai shrugged. "It has them all terrified enough to suddenly be super into jolly co-operation."

"Tobi versus the five Kage? Seems far fetched, think he'd win?"

"Maybe. Probably a YouTube video about it, if we look." Sai paused, and looked down. In the few brief interactions Haku had had with him over the last two weeks, his behaviour had been...off. Understandable, really, he'd just come off a frankly terrifying level of mind control. But his previously unflappable calm had been replaced with a distinct look of...insecurity.

"Hey." Haku told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "If there's something on your mind, you can say it. It's me, I'm a Kage now, I can take it."

"It's nothing. Or, well, it's..." Sai sighed (had he ever done that before?) and then, quietly, "...Do you want to go and grab coffee some time?"

 _...That's it?_ Haku couldn't help the laugh. "That's what you were afraid to ask me? Sai, we've literally fucked."

"I know, it's just..." he pointed to his own head. "For the first time, I'm certain I'm alone in here. I know that if I make a decision, I'm the one who's making it. So, as I speak now, declaring myself to be sound of mind and body...would you like to go on a date, at some point?"

Haku smiled wider than he ever had, and had to work very hard to not cry. "Yes. Absolutely. But it's going to have to be after the whole 'war' thing. Still, shouldn't take long. We've got the biggest fighting force in ninja history!"

"Ahem." across from them, Gaara stepped up to a microphone and tapped it a few times, getting everyone's attention.

"Esteemed ninja of the Great Shinobi Alliance...

Kick his ass."

The applause was deafening, as were the chants like "KONOHA!" And "HIDDEN MIST!" and "FOR THE RAIKAGE!"

Gaara stepped back and bowed low. A enthusiastically pat him on the shoulder, while Onoki nodded in approval.

"I retract my previous statement." Haku said, calmly. "We're all going to die."

* * *

B stared.

Gai stared.

Kankuro (sorta) stared.

Naruto stared.

Sasuke shifted awkwardly to the left so as to block the exit to the canyon.

There was a pause.

"Funny weather today." Naruto remarked. "Lotta water."

"Freak rainstorm." Sasuke replied, casually.

"I was under for five minutes and it was up to my torso." B added.

" _Very_ freaky rain." Sasuke nodded.

Naruto stared.

"Okay fine." Sasuke explained. "I was practicing with some water jutsu and it got out of control."

"You don't have water release." Naruto pointed out.

"I learned it."

"Oh yeah? Do a water technique right now."

Sasuke didn't move.

Naruto stared. "Where's Yamato, Sasuke?"

"Went home." Sasuke replied. "Uh, he got ill."

"I'm feeling pretty ill too. Can I go home?"

"...No."

"Okay. Well I'm done with the Kyuubi training."

"Prove it."

There was a flash, and Naruto was bathing the entire area in a glowing yellow aura. The golden light suffused his entire body, and his eyes were red. Now B was staring at him.

"Huh." Sasuke replied. "Dope."

"So can I leave?"

"...No."

Naruto stared.

"You see that boulder?" Sasuke pointed to a rock, some distance away. "I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. We should, uh. Look at it."

"What's going on, Sasuke." Naruto replied, deadpan.

The Uchiha broke, and sighed. "An asshole declared war on us. Wants you and B. We're trying to keep you here to keep you out of the fighting."

"Goddamit Sasuke." Kankuro sighed. "One secret. You had-"

"Hey, they literally kidnapped Yamato, bandage-face, they already know we're here." Sasuke shot back.

"So, what now?" Naruto continued. "When's the war start?"

"About-" Sasuke checked his watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"Awesome, we can be right on time."

"You're not-"

"You _lied_ to me." Naruto took a step forwards, hurt plain on his face. "You and Hinata and everyone else, you lied to me for 'my own good'. Remember how well it went down when people did that about the Kyuubi."

"I know." Sasuke replied, voice breaking a little. "I'm sorry. For all we know the world ends the moment he gets you, and I was blind, and he'd just knocked out A with a look, we couldn't...I didn't know what to do. But I should have told you the truth. I should have trusted you."

Naruto looked down. Then looked back up with an easy smile. "Nah, it's fine. You knew exactly what I was gonna do, and you were right. But I mean, they know where I am now, so we're gonna have to go fight them sooner or later."

"Hn." Sasuke muttered. Then he tilted his head up. "Alright then. But you'll have to pass a test, first."

"Really dude? Right now?"

"Do you want an epic moment or not?"

"...Go on."

Sasuke reached up behind his head, and began to untie his medical bandage. "I'm not letting you fight against anyone I wouldn't. Meaning, if I'm going to let you out..." he yanked the bandage off, letting it flutter away in the breeze.

His Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan flashed red-black. "Then you'll have to prove yourself against _me_."

Naruto grinned, and his chakra cloak intensified. "Aww, little baby's eyes have finally grown up. You're on."

Everyone else wisely moved out of the way.

And then Naruto was gone.

He slammed into Sasuke, and the Rasengan he'd built up his palm slammed into the purple surface of Samehada and then black fire wrapped around it and Naruto disengaged and-

Kankuro leaned in towards B, between flashes, and asked "Can you...do this?"

Killer B looked at the two teenagers crashing into each other faster than the Raikage could move, tearing through duplicates and forming glowing orange claws and setting everything ablaze with black fire and _surviving_ said black fire and purple armoured giants swinging purple Magatama...and found that he really wasn't sure.

Especially since the two just seemed to be...messing with each other.

The brief combat ended when a casually thrown senjutsu-rasenshuriken crashed into a casually thrown Amaterasu-rasenkunai, and the resulting explosion tore a giant hole in the cliffside, forcing the people on the inside to jump away from falling debris as boulders slammed into the ground and crashed into the sea.

Naruto and Sasuke landed on the (miraculously still intact) jetty, once again facing each other in fighting stances.

Both glanced to the boat on Naruto's left.

Then Sasuke readied another Rasenkunai and-

There was a flash, and a line of crystal appeared in front of each of them, blocking them off from each other.

A white figure blasted down headfirst from the sky, turning around and flaring its wings at the last possible moment.

Hinata Hyuuga landed in between the two, delicately-as-you-please.

"Hello, boys." She smiled. "What did I miss?"

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged glances.

"Our Brand-New-High-Risk superpowers aren't High-Risk anymore." Sasuke filled in.

"Oh, great, mine too." She told them. "Also I went to the moon and fought a descendant of the brother of ninja Jesus. Also my sister is alive and I finished my character arc."

There was a pause.

She clapped her hands together and smiled. "So. Shall we go fight a war?"

* * *

 **You can tell I was tired when writing when the quantity of references jumps up by like 300%. Also, how in the seven hells is _this_ my longest chapter so far at 6K words? It's not even that big of a deal. We've only got massive lore revelations and mysterious strangers and hidden subtleties and-**

 **Okay, fair enough. But like, there was _more_ meant to be in here. Guess it's gonna come next arc.**

 **And hey, by next week, we're in motherfucking _Christmas!_ Any sane person would take some time off writing to spend more time with their family.**

 **...**

 ***distant, muffled laughter***

 **NEXT CHAPTER NEXT ARC WARTIME BABIES WOO-**


	74. Closure: Made Easier with Zombies

**Act VIII: The Fourth Great Ninja War**

* * *

 **Closure: Made Easier with Zombies**

* * *

Shikamaru, Choji, and Ino darted forwards through the trees, accompanied by hundreds of others spread out across miles and miles of terrain. Together, they formed a walking (or rather, tree-running) wall of ninja moving across the country.

Shikamaru was fully aware that this was the most ridiculous 'war' in the history of the Five Elemental Nations.

They were fighting _one person_. Terrain claimed had no meaning, neither did number of soldiers, neither did...anything. This 'Madara' (and Shikamaru had bet fifty ryo that _wasn't_ who it was. Odds on it were five to one, apparently) had exactly two goals, and if his intentions with them were anything like Naruto said Pain's had been, then his success meant instant game over.

But if they put Naruto and B in a fortress, set everyone to guard them...well, whenever two ninja are in an asymmetrical battlefield, the favour would always go to the attacker. That's just the way they were trained; infiltration and tactical demolition was their whole thing.

The current plan was simple; raid everywhere Madara might be hiding, and once they find him, throw ninja at him until he drops dead from exhaustion. Crude, but effective. Even with the Kyuubi, against Hashirama, Madara had reportedly only been able to fight for a day or so before exhausting himself to death. _Unless he's gotten stronger, rather than weaker, in the centuries since then,_ said the rational voice in Shikimaru's head. He tried to ignore it.

The strategy necessitated the scouts, which Ino-Shika-Cho were a part of. They were the ones supposed to actually _find_ this guy; composed of those who were best equipped to capture threats, best equipped to transmit information quickly...or best equipped to die without much cost.

Shikamaru was confident his team was in the first category, but it didn't make him feel much better.

He glanced left to give a suggestion to Ino-

And saw _It_.

"Contact!" He shouted, throwing a kunai and immediately sending his chakra through the shadow.

Ino and Choji both jumped away as the _thing_ appeared out of the tree bark reaching out for them, only to be caught by Shikamaru's extended shadow and held in place, _what in the six paths of..._

It had white skin, yellow eyes, green hair and a grin pasted across its face, and the arm that it already held pointed out _extended_ as Shikamaru watched.

His eyes widened as a spear of organic _something_ jetted out towards him, _Wood Release-_

He was saved at the last minute by his teammates, an oversized palm by Choji batting the organic weapon away while Ino dropped down behind the paralysed thing and slit its throat with a kunai.

It fell. Not bleeding, but dying just like any other human.

"Thanks." Shikamaru grunted. "Ino, what-"

"It was...it had a _soul_." She shivered, looking at it's corpse. "It's mind was empty, simple, but...but it was _awake._ It felt like-"

They were interrupted by shouts from their left and right, calls echoing from across the line of scouts throughout the forest.

Shik gulped. "Choji." He told his teammate. "Boost me."

The Akimichi didn't need to be asked twice, reaching out with a palm the size of a horse. Shikamaru jumped onto it, nodded, and then Choji shoved, sending Shikamaru up above the canopy and letting him see all the way to the horizon.

His heart froze in his chest.

The treeline stopped a few kilometres ahead of their position. That much had been expected.

What wasn't expected was the _sea_ of white bodied monsters all charging straight towards them.

 _Oh, this is such a...no, not saying it, this is serious._

"INO!" He shouted, ( _shouted_ , _him!_ ) the moment he dropped down again, getting a shocked look. "RECONTACT BASE! _NOW!_ " _Looks like this is going to be a proper war after all._

* * *

Naruto, Hinata, Sasuke and B all stopped on a large rock outcropping. All the other ninja who'd been on the island with them had returned to report to the main shinobi army, leaving the four of them alone to...well, in Naruto and Hinata's case, gawk.

"What the..." he began,

" _Fuck_..." she finished for him.

"Uh." Sasuke held up a hand. "Some of us don't have hyper enhanced Kyuubi senses or dojutsu built for reconnaissance. Little explanation?"

"War." Naruto said, numbly. "I can...guys, I can feel them. The ninja are every combination of terrified, angry, hurt, but they're fighting...I don't know what they're fighting. I don't even know if they're people, but...they're suffering."

"Zetsu." Hinata breathes. At everyone's confused glances, "At least, I think that's what they are. Orochimaru explained all the Akatsuki members to me, and I've seen this one once or twice, watching me. Or, well, not these specifically, more...look, he's like them but black."

"Uh, careful with what you're saying there." Sasuke glanced across at B.

"No, I mean he's not _human_."

"Whoa, okay. Be _really_ careful." Stressed B.

"No, he's a-" Hinata stopped. Glared back at them. "Don't do this to me right now.

Look, Zetsu's a monster-man who's 50% black-chakra-manifestation-thing, and 50%...Well, I'm not sure. But it's white and freaky and the same thing in Tobi and Danzo's arms, and it's exactly what the massive army of monsters attacking the shinobi forces is." She turned back, squinting. "But that's not all. There's...oh no. _Edo tensei_. They have reanimated undead on their side. Who created all these?"

"Maybe, oh I dunno, Madara?" Sasuke offered.

"Point." Hinata breathed out. "Okay, where to go...dammit, where's Kakashi when we need him?"

"Uh, help the armies? Duh?" Naruto offered.

"We can't just wade in there and exhaust ourselves killing fodder enemies." Sasuke shook his head. "All the manga dictate a clear pattern here. Nameless characters fight these 'Zetsu', side characters fight the reanimated ninja, and we take on the main villain. Can you see him yet, Hinata?"

"Not from here. We'll have to move in, get closer, but...guys, EGB is so busted. By the time we're at the warfront, I'll be able to see the whole country. There won't be anywhere for him to hide."

"Hold on, backtrack." Naruto held out a hand, concern on his face. "We're just, what, leaving our allies to die? That's not cool."

"No, we're doing what we have to do to save them all the fastest." Sasuke countered. "Phantom Menace rules; kill the big bad and all the minions go down."

"We need to go where we're most needed." Hinata agreed. "And that means going right to the top. I'm sorry, Naruto, but we can't be in multiple places at once."

Naruto blinked. "Wow. Right, multiple places at once, way to make me feel stupid, why didn't I do this immediately..."

He put his hands together in a familiar gesture.

"Uh, Naruto?" Sasuke put a hand on his shoulder. "Listen, even if you make a few hundred shadow clones and throw them out at the army, (and trust me, I know you can) they'll be left weakened, and so will you. If we're going against someone who makes the Kage look like jokes, we can't do it at one one-hundredth strength."

Naruto looked at them. Snorted. Shook his head. "Oh, wow. You guys really don't get it, do you?"

They exchanged glances.

"Shadow clone jutsu." He created one duplicate, continuing, "I mean, you all know I have a lot of chakra. I've shown I have a lot of chakra, Kakashi's told you I have a lot of chakra. But I...don't think you quite realise _how much_ chakra."

He nodded to his clone, who took up it's own hand seals. "Multi Shadow Clone jutsu!" It shouted.

And there was _light_.

B, with no special dojutsu, only looked like he was about to shit himself, but Sasuke and Hinata each actually screamed as their surroundings were _filled_ with Naruto.

 _Thousands_ of them.

Literally, upwards of two thousand Naruto.

All wearing Kyuubi cloaks, glowing golden, shining brighter than the sun that had only just started to rise above the horizon.

"FOR KONOHA!" Naruto shouted, and " ** _FOR KONOHA_**!" The cry was echoed a thousand times from all around him, and then they were off, charging in a 120 degree arc in front of everyone to reach all corners of the fighting.

Naruto Prime turned back to his teammates, and grinned. "They all could summon Gamabunta, if they want to use all their chakra at once."

"But...they're weaker, right?" B gulped.

"Nope." Naruto shrugged. "Shadow clones are only physically weaker if they don't have the chakra to spare on propelling themselves around, and that caps at around...well, nothing, for me. And the cloaks are coming straight from the Kyuubi, so I don't even need to worry about that until we merge our chakra completely."

"You did that...with _half your chakra_." Sasuke gulped.

"And I've still got more than all of you combined times five. Ish." Naruto smiled.

"Haah...You have no idea how hot that was." Hinata said, very quietly, but not so quietly that he didn't hear.

" _SO_ , Madara." Naruto clapped his hands together, blushing. "Let's go catch this asshole!"

* * *

"Soooo~" Tobi appeared next to Kabuto. "How's the war going?"

"It's only just started, give it a minute." Yahushi Kabuto was trying his hardest to stay cool, but couldn't stop the grin that passed over his face. This was the most exciting thing he'd ever done. He was fighting...everyone. Like, _literally_ _everyone_. He was getting giddy just thinking about it.

"So set the scene for me." Tobi dropped into a sitting position next to him. "What's the warfront like? How are we doing?"

"Well, since you insist." Kabuto gestured to the map laid out in front of him. "This is the battlefield. The rough shapes are the mass forces; the Alliance's divisions and our hordes, and the shogi pieces represent our Edo-nin. Since those can't die and don't get exhausted, I imagine they're going to be quite a hassle for our enemies to deal with. How effectively they can do so mainly depends on how quickly they adapt, how long it takes them to realise what sealing jutsu they need. Since only a few ninja in Konoha have even _seen_ the Edo tensei, I imagine that will take them a while."

"Not that we actually give a shit about what happens between the main armies." Tobi pointed out.

"Oh, of course, but I'm getting to that. See, I resurrected a Yamanaka or two and used them to plug in to the Alliance's communications network."

"Ooh, sneaky! I love it." Tobi rocked back and forth on his haunches like a child enraptured by their parent's stories.

"Thank you. See, obviously all we need to do is get our hands on the Jinchurikki. Lucky for us, by the reports I'm getting, B and the whole of team 7 is making a beeline straight towards us. All the eggs are in one basket, ripe for the poaching."

Kabuto reached into his pocket and drew out a few small figurines. "So all we need to worry about is where we're putting all of our 'big players'. You still sure you want to throw Madara at the five Kage?"

"Mmhmm." Tobi nodded. "Not like he can't handle it. And it'll give him a nice warmup. Now as for our other allies...who're you planning on dropping on those four first?"

Kabuto chuckled. "Hmm. How about we send..." he very deliberately placed down three of the figurines on the map. "...everyone?"

Tobi looked across at him. The Rinnegan now prominently displayed in one eye seemed to flash in the darkness. "You know what? I like the way you think."

* * *

Hinata's eyes narrowed. "Contact." She called back. "I...think? There's a body in a coffin under the floor, but it's not- _Nope_ , it's moving, positions people-"

The four landed in power ranger poses on the ground, quickly taking stock of the forest around them and the coffin emerging from the floor.

The front of it popped off, and everyone ( _everyone_ ) flinched.

"The fuck." Said Nagato Uzumaki.

"Aw, shit..." Sasuke glanced across at Naruto. "Game plan?"

Naruto's mouth drew into a line, as Nagato walked out of the coffin, and he started to think.

He didn't want to get his friends hurt. That was concern number one. Concern number two was that they were much more likely to get out of this working as a team, especially if Nagato could still do the six-body trick. Concern number three was that they needed to get to Tobi as fast as possible, and every moment they wasted here was a moment where their fellow ninja were dying. Concern number four; he'd thought a lot about how to restrain someone who was immortal and didn't run out of chakra, but knew that it would be pretty damn hard...

He was considering leaving a shadow clone here as a distraction while they all moved on, when-

"Shit!" Hinata swore. "Oh, _fuck_. Oh, fuckity-fuckity-fuck fuck _fuck_."

"What's up?" Naruto looked across.

"Bad news." Hinata grimaced, looking past Nagato (who was, respectfully, staying silent and letting them talk) to something in the distance only she could see. "Naruto...can you and B handle this?"

Naruto could feel chakra signatures from the direction she was looking, but didn't know who they belonged to. "Probably, why? What's-"

"Trust me." She told him. "Me and Sasuke need to go take care of this next one."

Naruto blew out a breath, then nodded. "Yeah, we can take him. Go." He focused on Nagato. "Unless that's an issue for you, 'Pain'?"

"I'm meant to target the Jinchurikki." The Uzumaki shrugged. "They're irrelevant."

At another nod from Naruto, Sasuke and Hinata vanished. Then the Eight-Tails and the Nine-Tails squared off against the man with the Rinnegan.

"So, I got the feeling we'd sorted out our differences last we talked." Naruto called across. "What's the deal, buckaroo?"

"Obviously, I don't _want_ to do this." Nagato replied, calmly. "I'm only talking to you because my summoner is allowing me a limited amount of pre-match banter. But there _is_ going to be a match, as much as I don't want to attack either of you."

"Any idea who the summoner is?" B asked.

"No. But I only have one suspect; Tobi. An old...'ally' of mine. We founded the Akatsuki together." Nagato held out one hand. He looked weak, and small, beneath his simple, dark-red robe. But anyone who had seen what happened to Konoha could tell that was a terrible underestimation to make. "Our time is up. Please do not let me kill you. I have no idea what he plans to do with the weapon if he completes it."

"Don't die?" Naruto grinned, putting his hands together. "Noted."

 _I kicked your ass before, and I've only gotten stronger since then. Let's make this quick._ "Shadow cl-"

There was a flash, and Naruto felt a sharp stab of pain as a small needle-thin part of his stomach started complaining.

He noticed the red laser beam extending from a hatch on Nagato's shoulder, saw in horror that it was punching _right through his gut_ , and then threw himself to the side as the laser rapidly drew a line upwards to his brain. He was barely able to move so that it only tore in a curve across his upper torso and out above his shoulder, and growled in anguish as he landed in a roll, now that _there was now a giant cut almost bisecting him._

"Try harder please." Nagato incentivised, the laser vanishing. "I won't be able to deliberately target a nonlethal area again."

Naruto spat. _Kyuubi?_

 ** _On it._** ** _I've been waiting for a rematch against this guy._**

Naruto's cloak burst into life, his body healing the damage within moments, and he stood up, giving Killer B a quick nod. _Alright then. We're taking this seriously._

* * *

Hinata and Sasuke didn't have to run for long before they encountered their own opponents. They both stopped, balancing on tree branches and looking out towards the two reanimated ninja facing them.

"Oh, you've gotta be-" Chorused Sasuke and Hinata.

" _Shitting_ me." Finished Neji and Itachi.

"Seriously, of _course_ this would happen." Sasuke groaned. "I mean, it's just the laws of dramatic storytelling at this point, right?"

"This is being done by a little twink called Kabuto Yahushi, and I'm pretty sure that's the only reason, yes." Itachi replied, before smiling brightly. "Also, hi bro! Hi Hinata!"

"Hi! Wait, _Kabuto_ is the one doing this?" Hinata suppressed a snort. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Neji rolled his black, broken eyes that still held his Byakugan in perfect condition. "The guy completely lost it when you killed his boss. I should've gone and murdered him, but I didn't think his sage training was going to go anywhere. And..." his eyes dropped to the floor. "Hello, Hinata. It's been a few weeks."

"Yeah, it has." Hinata paused. This _certainly_ wasn't a conversation she'd expected to be having. "I...know about Hanabi."

Neji flinched.

"Is she safe?" Itachi asked.

"She is, yes. We straightened some things out with Toneri." Hinata inhaled, deeply. "I...I've forgiven you, just so you know. Both of you. It took me far longer than it should have, but..."

"Really?" Neji looked up at her. "Hinata, you know I never expected you to-"

"I know. I'm sure." Hinata nodded. "The simple fact of the matter is...I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. Or, well, I might have done something _worse,_ but I've been turning it over and over in my head for weeks and I can't think of a better way I would have handled it."

"Try doing that for a decade or more." Itachi chuckled. "We had a couple of ideas eventually, but, well. Dwelling on the past isn't going to help anyone."

"We're sorry." Neji switched in. "So, so sorry for what we put you all through."

"Oh come on." Sasuke laughed. "We're ninja. It's in the job description."

"So..." Itachi fell into a fighting stance. "Fanservice sibling battle?"

Sasuke looked across at Hinata, nodded, and did the same. "Fanservice sibling battle. Prepare to die."

"...Uh, die again."

"Yeah no, we get it."

* * *

Tsunade heard her tent flap open and groaned. "If you're not my elite guard, I don't give a shit, now's not the time."

"On the contrary, Lady Hokage, I think you'll have to _make_ time."

Tsunade recognised the voice, growled, and spun on Konan. The blue haired woman stood unmoving in her doorway.

"Listen, honey," The Hokage managed through gritted teeth, "great to see you here, but I absolutely cannot 'make time'. Shit's gone fucking crazy out there, we've got an army of green men and an army of Naruto and an army of undead, and frankly _our_ army is starting to look a little flimsy. Right now Onoki and one of the Naruto clones are out there and _literally Madara,_ AKA the scariest Uchiha to ever live, AKA the fucking unstoppable god of death, AKA my granddad's boyfriend, is on the battlefield. The five Kage are assembling to fight him, and I need to get a Flying Raijin jump in there _right the fuck now._ Whatever this is, it can wait."

Konan inclined her head. "Hm...Alright. If they want five Kage, they'll have them. I'll take your place. I'm strong enough, and I suppose as the leader of my hidden village, I would be 'Amekage' or some such."

"That's not how the naming system works!" Tsunade threw her arms in the air. Sure, _technically_ the leaders of hidden Grass, Waterfall, Sound (before it had been outed as a terrorist organisation) were considered Kage, but not _proper_ Kage, just- _whatever, not important._

"And even if so, why don't we just _both_ go?" She pointed out. "What could possibly be important enough that I wouldn't-"

Konan stepped to the side.

A figure walked through the doorway.

Tsunade froze.

Then _threw_ herself forwards, fist outstretched.

* * *

 **Oh, how I love cliffhangers. Despise them as a reader, but when you're on the writing side, it's hard to resist.**

 **Much like the Chunin exams, we have a blistering series of fights coming up. Though, in this case, it's literally fights until the end of the fic. Like this is it. It's fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and then epilogue and we're done. No idea how many more chapters, but we're in the home stretch.**

 **And also like the Chunin exams, I'm going to try and make sure that the fights stay interesting throughout. We've got a lot of matchups about to happen I've been excited to write since I planned out Shippuden in, like, October 2018. Christ, I've been doing this for too long...**


	75. Memories of Pain

**Memories of Pain**

* * *

Naruto had fought Pain before.

Pain was a tricksy little bastard. Pain was six individual bodies, all moving independently, all of which had completely different powers. One could summon giant monsters, one could nullify your ninjutsu, one could even bring the others back to life if you destroyed them. Pain was utterly overwhelming to face if you didn't know how he worked, and even with intel from the toads and slugs, even going in with weeks of prep, Pain had still been the most difficult fight of Naruto's life.

Without sage mode, it would have been impossible. He'd brought in three of the strongest toads of mount Myoboku to counter the animal summons, then chucked a senjutsu-rasenshuriken at Deva. Preta had tried to absorb it, but been turned into a statue by the sage chakra and torn to shreds by the rest of the technique, so that was him down. Deva had pulled Naruto towards Human and Naraka, who had been more than happy to close to melee with him. At least until he demonstrated his Frog Kata, which let him punch their heads off without resorting to the physical contact their instakills needed, taking them both out before they could react. After that, he was left facing the other three without any tricks left. Asura had had a ridiculous array of missiles and lasers, Deva could cancel out Naruto's ranged attacks with his force powers, and Animal was mostly useless, except that he could summon the others to him, and thus move them around the field and defend himself. Naruto had burned through almost all his sage chakra before noticing the five millisecond gap in the Shinra Tensei and moving to exploit it, and in the end he had only been able to take out five of the six before ending up paralysed by Deva's black rods.

Now, Naruto was stronger. Faster. He wasn't well enough synced with the Kyuubi to try and add senjutsu into the mix, but that just meant could freely summon a bunch of shadow clones if he needed to, allowing him to turn the numbers advantage _against_ the six paths.

Naruto was confident he could beat Pain.

But fighting Pain was _nothing_ like fighting Nagato.

"On your left!" He shouted, as a Bansho Tenin pulled him in, and B jumped backwards firing a water bullet, but Nagato caught the thing and absorbed it with one hand, while the other stretched out to grab the leg Naruto tried to kick with, and then he felt a tug and _ow that's my soul_ -

There was a separate tugging and he gave in to that one, and a shadow clone swapped places with him, leaving him safe in the trees while it was immediately consumed.

"Buffeting wind!" Shouted Naruto, along with another few clones, and the gale he produced was sufficient to tear a giant gash into the forest, uprooting trees and hurling rocks through the air.

Nagato didn't even say anything, but the Shinra Tensei defense blasted to life, leaving him unharmed. He turned on Naruto and charged towards him, firing a barrage of missiles from slots that appeared from his shoulders which unerringly tracked his fleeing opponents.

Single-Body Nagato was fucking _broken._

He was undead, and unkillable, which meant that even that one time a clone had plowed a rasengan through his head it hadn't so much as slowed him down. And since he wasn't going to die from ability overuse like Nagato was in life (and had, oh, _unlimited chakra_ ) he was capable of fighting with his original body. Which, Naruto noticed, was even faster than Deva had been.

Oh, and also he could use _all of his abilities from one body._

Seriously, this wasn't fair.

"Know any sealing jutsu?" Naruto shouted to B, batting a few missiles away in annoyance. "Physical damage is useless!"

"A few!" B shouted. "But I'd need him to be stuck in place for whole seconds to pull any off! You?"

"Hell no! Unless you count the-" Naruto's eyes widened. "Yes! I can suppress him! Get ready, you'll have your time!"

That said, he ran back towards Nagato, forming hand seals.

 _Kyuubi! I can't throw the Rasenshuriken without sage mode! Any ideas?_

 ** _I can't give you a bijuu bomb unless we're fully merged, which is the only thing causing the problem. But I can do_** **this.**

A pair of glowing golden arms extended out from Naruto's back and stretched forwards. Naruto focused his chakra through the arms and they came together, forming a rasenshuriken between them, and plowing it into the incoming Nagato.

The shinra tensei fired, obliterating the technique, and then not a moment later Nagato was holding his hands out to catch the "Big-Ball Rasengan Barrage!" Being dropped on him by a set of a dozen clones jumping in, staggered to hit right after the rasenshuriken had. ( _One mississippi-)_

A third Kyuubi-arm thrust forwards, and while the Naraka path was capable of absorbing _that_ , there wasn't anything it could do to stop the large boulder the arm had picked up and was propelling forwards at rapid speed. ( _Two mississippi-)_

The boulder smashed into and through Nagato's right arm, separating it from his body, and with the arm went the Naraka's technique it had been employing. _(Three mississippi-)_ The clones had been feeding chakra constantly into the rasengan, to keep up the pressure, and now the right half of them suddenly found that they were able to press forwards and shove through to Nagato's body, tearing the entire right side of him into dust. ( _Four mississippi-)_

The clones that had moved through stretched their arms out and fired golden chains at Nagato's still regenerating back, as did the original charging in from the front, and the adamantine links wrapped around the Uzumaki's body just as ( _FIVE MISSISSIPPI COOLDOWN'S OVER-)_

 _..._ And nothing happened. The other half of Nagato's body remained unrepaired, the golden links biting into his undead flesh and _countering the regeneration. Filing that away for later._

But more importantly, they were nullifying his ultimate defense move. The other half of the clones who'd been keeping up the rasengans pushed forwards with no chakra absorption or universal push to stop them. They tore off Pain's other arm, then joined the rest of the gang in chaining him up so much he was barely visible beneath the yellow-green glow.

"NOW, B!" Naruto shouted, but B had already body-flickered right up to Nagato, wielding a scroll of some kind. The captive struggled for all he was worth, but couldn't match Naruto's strength, and then B was throwing the scroll around him and making hand seals and then the scroll began to glow and then Nagato stretched out a robot arm and B died.

Wait, what.

Wait, _WHAT._

Naruto blinked, as suddenly B was collapsing backwards and something exploded on Nagato's body, blowing him up but also obliterating the chains, and Naruto desperately tried to recall what had just happened, because something had to be _wrong_ here.

But his senses hadn't lied to him. A mechanical arm had manifested out of Pain's arm-socket, and grabbed B around the face. B, busy with the ritual, hadn't had the time to react, and Nagato had fired a laser from the hand's palm, searing a hole through B's brain and killing him instantly. Naruto had sensed the moment all of the emotions in B's head simply _stopped._

 _But...But that's not_ fair _._

 _He didn't get a chance to...I never learned his real_ name.

B's corpse exploded into broiling fire before it even hit the ground, and Gyuki (already disintegrating, for that is what demon beasts do when their hosts are killed) burst out into the physical world, roaring in anguish.

" **YOU _DARE_ -**" It began, but Nagato had already reformed completely. He stretched out a hand and hurled a set of black chakra receivers at the bijuu. Naruto charged in, but another Shinra Tensei threw him back as Gyuki was pinned hopelessly to the floor. Another flick of Pain's will, and some giant stone _thing_ appeared, and the Eight-tails' chakra was channeled through the rods and into the body of the statue.

 ** _GEDO MAZO!_** Echoed the Kyuubi's voice in Naruto's head. **_BROTHER, NO!_**

That more than anything, the Nine-tails in a genuine panic, kicked Naruto's brain into function again. His hands flew, and he substituted with a tree branch, teleporting himself right past Pain and jumping straight onto Gyuki's gradually shrinking body. He reached down and yanked free one of the chakra receivers, hissing as it burned against his skin and throwing it away. Then there was a pull on his gut as the Bansho Tenin sent him flying back away from the beast, _no No NO-_

He sent out more of the Kyuubi arms as he was pulled away, the claws digging into the red-orange chakra in some desperate event to win a tug-of-war with the fucking Rinnegan magic.

The chakra seemed to latch onto his own, and he felt _something_ absorbed into his own system...but then it was gone. The statue vanished out of existence again, and Naruto was left to crash onto the floor next to B's body.

The process had taken less than a second. Gyuki was gone. B...

"I'm sorry." Nagato told him hoarsely. "I tried to warn you, but Kabuto took direct control of me. The Asura path is mechanical, not a jutsu, it isn't affected by-"

Naruto's Kyuubi-enhanced fist crashed into his face with a thunderclap. Pain's body almost completely disintegrated, the individual flakes of dust all being hurled backwards hundreds of feet as they tried to reassemble.

" **STOP FUCKING KILLING MY MENTORS!** " Naruto screamed, eyes red, tears falling down his cheeks. " **YOU _FUCKING ASSHOLE_!**"

"I'm so sorry. I wish it was anyone else that he used as a weapon for this." Nagato regenerated, returning to a fighting stance. Then he frowned. "When was the previous time? I brought Kakashi back to life, didn't I?"

The ground under Naruto cracked. " **JIRAIYA, YOU DIPSHIT! YOU KILLED JIRAIYA!** "

Slowly, Nagato's head tilted to the side. "What? No I didn't."

Naruto's mouth opened in outrage-

And froze, as he felt something familiar. Not 'familiar' as in 'he'd felt it with his Kyuubi senses before', he'd only awakened it that blooming morning, and only got a good sensing of four or five people.

But the particular blend of emotions approaching rapidly from behind him...he recognised it immediately.

"No way." He whispered.

There was a blur, and three figures appeared before him, facing Nagato. The one on the left was blonde, curvaceous and angry. The one on the right was dark haired, thick skinned and pale. Naruto couldn't actually feel _anything_ from him. And in the middle...

Jiraiya turned around, and grinned. "Hey, little Minato. How's it going?"

Naruto's jaw dropped. "W-Whu-"

"Really?" Tsunade rolled her eyes at him. "Kid thinks you've been dead for weeks and the first thing you say when you meet him is comparing him to someone else? What's he gonna think?"

"Ah, yes," Orochimaru remarked, dryly, "because the lady Tsunade is notoriously good at understanding the complexities of interaction. Like that time it took her three decades to realise her attendant wanted into her pants."

"Oh like you can talk, Orochi-still-can't-talk-to-girls-Maru."

Naruto couldn't do anything but make a high pitched squeak. "How-" He coughed, tried again. " _How are you all alive?_ "

"Oh, isn't _that_ a story." Jiraiya sighed. "Okay, so basically-"

* * *

 **Weeks ago**

"Alright then, let's get the horrible betrayal out of the way."

The chaos Hinata was able to hear was barely recognisable, but she was fully aware that it ended with none of her shadow clones present in the room.

No more chakra flowed into her body, and her brain began to throb.

 _I may have miscalculated slightly._ She thought, dimly.

There was another sigh, and she heard Orochimaru come to lean on her bed. "So." He began. "Let's talk."

She (quite obviously) didn't reply.

"Yes, great question, why _aren't_ you already dead?" He continued. "Truth is..." There was a pause. And then, the chakra flow was back. Orochimaru's, his palm on her wrist. "I have absolutely no idea."

 _Wait, what's going on?_

"Well that's a lie, you'll notice I'm good at those. It's just that the mixture of thoughts leading to me not currently running through the hand seals to steal your defenseless body is...confusing. I'm not usually one who struggles to understand his own thoughts, but you, _you_ , Hinata Hyuuga...are a very puzzling girl."

She heard him sigh. His voice didn't seem quite as lackadaisical as usual.

"I know that you know what it's like to lose family. You of course focused on the rage, as did I, when I first lost my parents. Now you could continue to chase that until it kills you, but I imagine that eventually you'll realise you're all out of things to be angry at. And you'll sit there, and be...empty.

I cannot stress enough how terrifying the emptiness is. The final aftermath of death, the dark twin of acceptance. 'Death is real. It has taken those I loved, and one day it will take me, and eventually there will be nothing. No feeling, no awareness, not even blackness, just...'. and that's where the thought process ends, for the human mind cannot model the absence of a model. It cannot empathise with emptiness. But it can be afraid. And it will try to fill that hole with anything it can. Anger, lust, greed, some objective or another..."

He chuckled. "I mean, 'learn every jutsu'? What ridiculous kind of goal is that? I just needed _something,_ anything to focus on. At first I wanted to conquer death, to finally end the _thing_ that had taken so much from me and my friends, but eventually...eventually I gained a power that would force me to choose. To choose to avoid that blackness myself, by sacrificing another to it. And oh, how I was afraid...

I'm rambling, my apologies, I haven't even gotten to the main point. Here's the thing, Hinata, you arrived in my presence with a smile on your face. A fake smile, obviously, but one so earnestly put in place. Whatever thoughts were running through your head at the time, you concluded that you were willing to expend effort to make the people around you happier.

And it worked, you little shit. You made me care about you."

She could practically _hear_ him rolling his eyes, but was a little more preoccupied with the fact that she began to regain feeling in her extremities.

He continued. "Pathetic, right? Me? Getting paternal instincts over the little murder-child who I had every intention to _consume_? When it was almost definitely deliberate on your part? But I couldn't help it. You remind me of me when I was your age; young, talented, and oh so broken. You remind me that, yes, people who are alive are doing that 'alive' thing for a _reason._ And now I genuinely can't bring myself to kill you."

He paused. Her body started to feel hot, and she had the distinct impression of each of her chakra points _popping_ into activity one by one.

"So here's the plan." He leaned closer. "I have shit I need to get done. It will be easier to do if people think I'm dead. You need to go murder your cousin, and frankly I think you'll do a better job of that than I will. So how about I drop a bunch of dead snakes about the room, you go out there and stop Kabuto killing your girlfriend, and we both go our separate ways?"

One second, two seconds, and then Hinata's body _exploded_ into action. She snapped upright and she could _see_ and Orochimaru was backed up into the corner of the room eyeing her warily and Karin was getting beaten up by Kabuto outside. _Right, time limit, gotta deal with that._

She focused on Orochimaru, still thinking. Then asked, "You know what it's like to make mistakes, don't you?"

He nodded. "I've made many. My greatest was leaving Konoha."

And somehow, she _knew_ that he believed it was true.

"Yeah." She replied. "Me too."

She put her hands together and bowed. "Thank you for the training, Sensei."

He smiled. "Thank you for the birthday presents."

She straightened, shook herself out, and turned around to punch a hole in the door.

* * *

 **Some days later**

The area around Hidden Rain was admittedly kinda fucked up. To cut a long story short, some forestland had been very quickly renovated into a new extension to the lake.

Atop that lake, Pain held Jiraiya of the Sannin by the throat, eyes blazing with rage. "You have no _idea_ of the _suffering_ I have-"

"Oh, monologuing! Yes!" Jiraiya choke-laughed. "Let me guess, you also enjoy staring dramatically into the middle distance and pondering the meaning of life-"

Pain choke slammed Jiraiya onto the water's surface. His face broke under, and Pain held him there, head submerged, until bubbles started to rise.

Then, after another moment, he pulled him up again and threw him across the lake's surface. Half dead, coughing up seawater, Jiraiya was barely able to tread water, nevermind stand on the surface.

He was, however, cognizant enough to wonder how the _hell_ he was still alive.

"You are," Pain declared, "without question, the most irritating, obnoxious, childish, pathetic creature I have ever laid my eyes on."

"Heh, I'm, _ack_ , I'm getting that quote...framed." Jiraiya was able to cough out, oxygen slowly chasing away the blind spots that had formed in his eyes. _That is officially the closest I've ever brushed with death. Second is that time Tsunade hit me, third is that time Naruto accidentally let out four tails on me._

"To think I once admired you." Pain shook his head. "Here you are, facing your own death, and instead of doing so with any semblance of honour, you use your final words to squawk like a baby! With no goal other than to piss me off!"

"...So does that mean it-"

" _Yes it worked_." Pain walked forwards and grabbed Jiraiya's hair, pulling him up out of the water. "And all you have done is bred more of your own suffering." He tilted his head. "What is the name of the nine-tails host? Naruto Uzumaki?"

Tired as he was, Jiraiya didn't have the discipline to stop his eyes widening.

"Ah, yes, he's your pupil, isn't he?" Pain mused. "You know, I've been avoiding a full-scale assault on Konoha, seeing if I could snatch the Kyuubi some other way. Not out of any fear of failure, of course, merely concern that if I did, knowledge of my powers' mechanics might spread. But I'm upset. So that's out of the window now. What's also out of the window is your chance of getting a quick death."

He leaned in, lifting Jiraiya's chin with his other hand so he could look into the older man's eyes. "I'm going to _kill_ him. And your Hokage, Tsunade. And I'm going to raze your entire village to the ground. And then I'm going to send you a little genjutsu showing you absolutely everything I've done, and I assure you, the Rinnegan can capture events in _exquisite_ detail.

And then I'm going to briefly use Naruto, Tsunade, and a few choice others as my Paths of Pain. Because they are going to be the ones to walk into your cell, and tell you you have failed. And then, using their bodies, I will kill you. Perhaps that will show you the true depths of the Pain you act so unafraid of."

"Nagato." Jiraiya panted. "Don't-"

" _You_ do not have the _right_ to use that name." Nagato spat. "But thank you for proving my point. When given the appropriate vision of Pain, all facades fall away."

Jiraiya took a deep breath, with his eyes closed. Then opened them, and smiled. "No. I'm not afraid. He'll beat you. I'm certain. And if he leaves her alive, I'll get to tell Konan 'I told you so'."

Pain tensed, and Jiraiya's smile widened. "Oho. Looks like that's what _you're_ afraid of."

Nagato didn't respond. The Rinnegan flashed, and Jiraiya knew no more.

* * *

 **Eight days later**

Jiraiya looked up as Konan entered his room. He wasn't restrained (at least not sufficiently); the only thing that had been keeping him in place was a genjutsu placed on him by Nagato, completely screwing with his ability to move anything beneath his head.

When that genjutsu had suddenly broken earlier that day, he'd _suspected_ what had happened...but Konan's face when she looked at him was confirmation.

"I'm sorry." He said. Somehow he didn't feel like going with 'I told you so'.

"I believe you." She replied, simply. A small paper bird flew out from beneath her robes, coming over to him and removing the cuffs on his hands that he could have broken free of hours ago. "Nagato is dead, no Leaf casualties. Amegakure has officially surrendered to Konoha. Some of their agents are here now."

"Am I being taken back home?" Jiraiya asked. "They probably think I'm dead."

"They _do_ think you're dead. They're asking for your body to be returned." Konan paused. "I...would like to tell them that it has been lost or destroyed."

Jiraiya frowned. He was out of shape, but when you're alone in a cell, there's not much to do besides gather sage chakra. He knew he could take Konan if he had to. "Why would I let you do that? Given that I am, last I checked, still alive."

"Nagato is dead, but his eyes are intact." Konan replied, frankly. "I've tried to destroy the Rinnegan. Can't. And I know someone who is definitely coming for them. While I am alone, he will succeed."

"You want me to help protect your husbando's eyeballs." Jiraiya deadpanned. "Konan, there are people I need to let know I am okay."

"The world believes you dead." She replied. "You're a _ninja_. You know how powerful a position that is. The war isn't over Jiraiya, it's-"

"Only just beginning." He rolled his eyes. "Kami, you're such an anime character...I'm telling Naruto and Tsunade. You can't stop me. They can keep a secret, if they have to."

"Tsunade is in a coma." Konan replied. "And I already told Naruto that there was someone he needed to come here and see."

"Did you tell him explicitly that it was me?" Jiraiya checked.

"No." She frowned. "I told him implicitly, but so obviously that any ninja of genin-level common sense would immediately put together what I meant."

"Oh fuck. He doesn't know." Jiraiya sighed and leaned backwards. "Great. Guess we'll send him a paper bird or something...Is he still in Konoha?"

"Actually, my little friends tell me he's out on a mission." Konan informed him, breezily.

"Oh yeah, what's he doing?"

"Well I could be misinterpreting," she frowned, "but I'm pretty sure he's trying to tear apart the established power structure of the entire ninja world."

* * *

 **A few days later**

Orochimaru, alone in the woods, blinked as the Kotoamatsukami was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

Then he paused, and thought through exactly what it was that he had been forced to do by it. He recalled, once again, that leaving the village had been an objectively _terrible_ idea.

Then he went "OH, you sly son of a bitch, _that_ was why!"

* * *

 **Two weeks after that**

Konan stepped aside.

A figure walked through the doorway.

Tsunade froze.

Then _threw_ herself forwards, fist outstretched.

Jiraiya caught it in his palm. There had been no strength behind it, and she immediately collapsed into him, as he wrapped his arms around her back.

"What the _fuck!"_ She cried, burying her face in his chest to compensate for the fact that she was screaming as loud as she could. "Why the _fuck_ did you pretend you were dead? To _ME!_ You swore, you _swore,_ that if you _ever_ went that deep undercover you would _tell me-_ "

"I tried." He told her, simply. "Pain caught me, by the time I was free you were in a coma, and by the time you were out of the coma I was a little too preoccupied."

"With _WHAT!"_ She screamed. She was sagged against him, relief filling her to the point where she wasn't sure she could carry her own weight if she had to. "What could possibly be so important you could delay telling me for _One Single_ _Second!"_

"Um." Said a familiar voice from just outside the tent. "That, I believe, would be me."

Suddenly, Tsunade found she could support her own weight after all. She shoved Jiraiya out of the way and charged out the door, and him grabbing her arm was the only thing that stopped her punching a hole through the lying, scheming, treacherous-

"Hi." Said Orochimaru, smiling.

"YOU FUCKING _BASTARD_ -"

"Tsunade, it wasn't his fault, he didn't-"

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Repenting." Orochimaru pointed at his forehead. "See, I'm wearing my Leaf headband, I'm a good guy now."

"Your headband which still has the _slash_ in it from when you _betrayed us!"_ Tsunade pointed at it. "You can't just 'be a good guy' again, you were doing experiments on _kids_ because you wanted to be immortal!"

"Wrong!" Orochimaru beamed. "I was doing experiments on kids because _Danzo_ wanted Wood Release."

"You..." That made Tsunade stop and think. "Are you saying..."

"Kotoamatsukami." Orochimaru nodded. "Insidious little bastard."

"Danzo was on his quest into genetics long before he first started messing around with the Uchiha's eyeballs." Jiraiya explained. "Remember that Orochimaru was the first person to manage an eye transplant from a dojutsu to a clanless ninja? Danzo wanted him to try and replicate Hashirama's DNA in other people. See if he could create an army of wood-release superninja."

"I said no." Orochimaru told Tsunade. "At first, anyway. But then one day he came along with this lovely young man, Shisui Uchiha. This was before he put the kid's eyeball in himself, of course. And suddenly, I think kidnapping children to use in experiments is a _swell_ plan. Seriously, even if I was totally evil, it was just a really _stupid_ idea...I'm not promising I've never done anything immoral. I'm still pretty fucked up. But I _am_ on your side."

"Why should I believe you." Tsunade narrowed her eyes at him. "You've only convinced Jiraiya because it's exactly what he's wanted to hear for over a decade."

"Hey, that's...fair, actually."

"Well, you can get Hinata to check whether I'm lying when we meet up with her." Orochimaru pointed out. "But I'm afraid we don't have that much time. This 'Madara' fellow is about to tear this whole planet a new one and we need to stop him."

"Madara is on the battlefield right now." Tsunade pointed out. "Where I should be."

"No, Madara's reanimated corpse is on the battlefield right now." Orochimaru tutted. "Keep up. The man who was pretending to be him is out there in the shadows, and he's what we need to be worried about." He leveled a steady gaze at her. "Naruto, Sasuke and Hinata are in danger, Tsunnie."

Tsunade clenched her fists. She looked across at Jiraiya, then back to Orochimaru. Tried to quash the small part of herself that was absolutely _ecstatic_ that they were all stood together without trying to kill each other. "...Fine. Where are we going?"

* * *

 **Now**

"Wow. That was really concise, well done." Tsunade remarked.

"Thank you." Jiraiya smiled. "Now then..." He turned back to Nagato. "Payback time."

"Be careful." Naruto warned. "He's stronger than he was when he kicked our asses."

"Perhaps." Orochimaru added. "But then, he was fighting _individuals_. Now, he faces the best _team_ Konoha has ever produced."

"Little vain, Rochi." Tsunade pointed out.

"Oh, like you weren't thinking it."

"Naruto, go ahead." Jiraiya told his student, who was currently just stood there looking awestruck. "Catch up with your friends. Nagato Uzumaki is our problem; it's about time we dealt with him."

"Got it." Naruto nodded. He turned to go, but paused. "Hey, pervy-sage?"

"Yeah?" Jiraiya looked back.

Naruto smiled. "It's...it's really good to see you."

"Likewise. Now go kick ass."

Naruto fled into the forest.

As one, the Legendary Sannin prepared to enter battle for the first time in almost twenty years.

* * *

 **The writer giveth, and the writer taketh away.**

 **Am I reaching? Yes, but I foreshadowed it, so it's okay. Plenty of you guessed Jiraiya was still alive from last chapter, so I must have got something right.**

 **Did I organise the entirety of Shipppuden just so I could write Sannin Vs Pain?**

 **Yes. Yes I did.**

 ** _I wrote this entire chapter in one day and am uploading it minutes after finishing I literally want to die-_**


	76. Mandatory Christmas Special 2

**Mandatory Christmas Special #2**

* * *

"All I want for christmas...iiiiiis..."

"oooooooOOOH YOUUUUUUU! Da-dan-da-dan-da-dan-da-

Souljaboy off in this (OH!)

Watch me crank it watch me ROLL!

Watch me crank dat, Soulja Boy

Then Superman dat OH!

Now watch me YOU-"

Hinata laughed and kept playing, while Sasuke's head slammed down into the table. "Naruto, I swear to Kami, can you _ever_ listen to a song and start actually singing _That Song_ 's lyrics along with it?"

"Uh, yeah, when it's Smash Mouth?" Naruto rolled his eyes like it was obvious.

"Right, of course." Sasuke looked across at Hinata. "And where the hell did you find an intact piano in all...this?"

The three were sat in a tent, in the wreckage of Konohagakure. It was a full day after the Kage Civil War, and the team had reunited in their village for the night before Naruto set off on his training trip.

They'd all needed the time to relax and recuperate. And hey, it was Christmas Eve after all.

"Liberal use of the Byakugan." Hinata answered Sasuke, honestly. "A decent chunk of the village was completely obliterated by Pain, but a lot of it was just picked up and thrown at the cliffs. Some things managed to stay intact."

"Yeesh." Naruto winced. Then his eyes widened. "Oh, no. The presents."

"Hm?" Hinata tilted her head, while Sasuke groaned. "Oh, Lord, here he goes..."

"The Christmas presents!" Naruto exclaimed. "I mean, since nobody is stupid enough to believe that Santa's the one delivering them-"

("Go fuck yourself." Sasuke groaned)

"They've all been destroyed in Pain's invasion!" Naruto slammed his fist into his palm. "And while we're all busy with repairs, nobody's going to be able to go out to get more presents! I mean they'd have to go cross-country trecking just to find an intact shop!"

"Actually," Hinata remarked false-casually, with a small smirk that showed she knew exactly what she was doing, "from what I hear, a large amount of the destruction was actually caused by the Kyuubi when it went rampant against the Deva path. You said you were basically sleepwalking for that bit of the fight, but survivors say you were shooting lasers, spraying fire everywhere, causing earthquakes..."

Naruto looked stricken. "I... _Ruined Christmas_?" He squeaked.

"No." Sasuke interrupted, seeing where this was going and not liking it. "No, no no. I'm pretty sure that Christmas is cancelled-"

" _WHAT_?"

"-The village has been blown up, we can help them by helping rebuild, now's not the time to-"

"Team Seven!" Naruto shouted. "We have a new mission! We're going to save Christmas!"

"Woo!" Hinata cheered, clapping happily.

"I hate you, my life, and everything else in this godforsaken world..." Sasuke groaned, and stood up, tugging at his blindfold. "Alright, I'm in. Not like I planned on sleeping tonight anyway..."

* * *

 **Later that evening**

Kakashi groaned to himself and stretched, finishing his rounds. _Guard duty._ Me _. This is demeaning._

 _Or, it's just what you get for begging off helping with the repairs_. Said a treacherous voice in his head.

 _Shut up_. He told it.

Sighing, he lifted his headband to reveal his Sharingan, using it to briefly scan the village. Since he'd ended atop one cliff, he had an excellent view of...

He blinked. Blinked again. Took in the sight of a hundred or so figures darting around the village, unnoticed (as of yet) by the occupants and the other guards. Kakashi was a split second from raising the alarm...until he noticed the transformation jutsu they were all under.

"For fucks sake Naruto..." he groaned, jumping down.

* * *

Sai, previously sleeping, woke up to the sound of somebody screaming "Shit!"

The next thing he heard was a crash as someone fell through the roof of his shelter.

He was up with his sword in his hand immediately, pointing it towards the pile of wood and fabric on the floor, but paused in his attack at a peculiar noise. Amongst the scrambling and profuse swearing, there was the sound of...bells?

And then a red hat popped out of the mess, and Sai had to struggle not to laugh.

"Motherfucking roofs made out of motherfucking tinfoil..." a man in a red suit, black boots, and a white beard (who otherwise looked an awful lot like Sarutobi Hiruzen) stood up, shaking himself off...and then noticed Sai, and froze.

"Uh..." he said, and then his voice dropped a few registers. "Oh! Oho, sorry there chap, ah, that'll be all those mince pies I suppose, I'm a lot heavier than I used to be-"

"Sasuke?" Sai guessed from the foul mouth alone.

"Hm?" The old man tilted his head. "Oh, no no no, not Sasuke. I'm Santa! Besides, Sasuke is a little punk. Coal only for him."

"Oh, so it's Naruto." Sai sheathed his sword. "What are you...doing? I'm still supposed to be in genjutsu rehab, nobody should be seeing me."

"Well, since you insist..." 'Santa' reached inside his coat, and there was a poof, before he pulled out a small box. "Here you go! Merry Christmas! Cheerio!"

He threw it at Sai, then jumped out the hole he'd already made in the roof.

"...I love my village." Sai told the empty room, before going back to bed.

* * *

Tsunade massaged her forehead as the two ANBU gave their report. A few seconds in she held up a hand. "Hold on...he's doing _what_?"

* * *

"What are you doing?"

Konan dropped down on the roof with a glare, fixed at the portly figure in red who had frozen in place at her words.

"...Delivering presents?" Jiraiya tentatively replied.

"To Amegakure. The village that held you prisoner for weeks." Konan pointed out.

" _Nagato_ held me prisoner. Ame is just full of guys being dudes. No hard feelings." Jiraiya hefted the red sack he was holding. "And I mean I already filled this, so it'd be a waste if I didn't go through with the plan now."

The young woman sighed. "Did you do this in Konoha?"

"Uh, absolutely."

She looked shocked at that, but quickly narrowed her eyes again. "What 'presents' do you deliver exactly?"

"Oh, you know." He shrugged. "That which people desire, yet are afraid to publicly purchase or ask for."

"So porn. You dress up as Santa, sneak into peoples houses, and give porn, _which you wrote_ , to the occupants."

"Hey, my services are carefully targeted! None of my recipients are ever left unsatisfied. That's actually a personal rule in life, for me, especially during-"

" _Don't_ want to know." Konan rolled her eyes and turned away. "Just...don't get caught. Remember you're still supposed to be dead."

"If _Santa_ is caught, I'm sure he'll find a way to escape. Oh, hold on." Jiraiya reaches into the bag. "I actually got something for you, it's in here somewhere-"

"Please tell me it's not-"

" _Relax_ , it's not porn. Though I prefer to think of my works as 'art'..." He pulled something out and tossed it to her. "Here."

She caught it, and by the time she looked back up he had already vanished. Sighing, she looked up at the moon and concluded it had already hit Christmas Day, so opened up the colourful wrapping the Sannin had gotten from...somewhere.

The book on origami looked...interesting. As funny as it was, she had never actually officially picked up the discipline. As for the other...

"...'Making decisions without your boyfriend; How to be a strong, independant wom'-Oh, for _fucks sake_!"

* * *

 **Christmas Morning**

There was a knock on the door to the Mizukage's office.

Haku looked up, rubbed the sleep from his eyes, adjusted his new hat ( _this thing's way too damn big_ ) and called out "Enter."

Mei walked in, causing him to tense, but she didn't immediately shoot him a glare (or glob of lava) like he'd been expecting. Instead her look was more appraising, and...concerned? Pitying?

"All nighter?" She asked, after a moment.

"Mmhmm." Haku replied, cautiously. "Is that standard procedure for a Kage?"

"Oh, you'd better believe it." Mei chuckled. She gestures to her own face. "You have any idea how hard it is to maintain this? I spend half my life working and the other half doing whatever I have to to keep the bags under my eyes invisible." She paused. "Or...well, 'spent' my life that way."

"Yeah." He grimaced. "Um...sorry for stealing your job?"

"No, it's fine." She stopped and thought about it. "Okay, it's totally not fine. You're a bastard. But it's what I did to Yagura so I can't be too pissed about it, and hey, at least you left me alive."

"So...what's up? Why are you here?" He asked, confused.

"Oh, I just saw something odd and had a little question." She walked over to the window and pulled open the curtains. Haku winced as the bright sunlight tore through the dimness he'd maintained in the office the whole night.

Mei winced at the unusually cold breeze that came through, as one hand swept through the white powder on the window sill. "Look at this." She said, flicking it over at him. "Snow. It's a bloody white Christmas out there. It hasn't snowed this deep in Mist for decades, and then suddenly half a week after you take over..."

"Crazy coincidence." Haku said, not meeting her eyes.

"And what was your bloodline again?"

"Mei Terumi, are you trying to imply something?"

"Yuki Haku, did you use your ice powers to make it snow on Christmas morning?"

He drummed his fingers on the tabletop. Then, quietly, "I've been doing it in Konoha for the last four years."

Mei immediately started laughing.

"Hey, screw you, this is hard! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to forcibly alter the weather over this large a region? You can't just cast snowblast at the clouds, I had to strategically drop the the temperature in different places for extended periods, check the direction the wind currents were blowing, measure the-"

"Is _this_ what you were up all night doing?"

"...Yes."

"Hah!" Mei leaned on the sill, looking outside. "Aw, this is adorable. Look at all those children playing in the snow, using the snow in their taijutsu, organising into three teams and beginning a snow war...I mean back in my day we just murdered each other on Christmas."

"Didn't you murder each other when you graduated?"

"Bloody Mist. We murdered each other a lot." She chuckled. "You know when I told you you should make some big gesture to convince the village you were legit, this wasn't _quite_ what I meant."

"You think it's bad?"

"Hell no, this is great. No Kage's been able to control the weather since Tobirama flooded that one village that one time. Just go out, socialise, and beat up the assassins that come after you to thunderous applause."

"Assasinating the Mizukage?" Haku gasped. "Who would ever dare?"

The two shared a laugh.

Mei reaches into her outfit and pulled out a file, tossing it onto his desk. "Oh, right, here. Got you this."

Haku squinted suspiciously at it. "What is this?"

"All the records Mist has on Zabuzza Momochi." Mei watched him tense. "I took the liberty of gathering them up for you. Most of it's statistics and mission reports, but there's some fun stuff in there. School records, pictures, known _family_..."

"Oh." Haku took the file, hesitantly. "Uh, thank you?"

"No problem. It's Christmas right?" Mei moved to leave.

Haku glanced up at her. "Does...this mean that you aren't _also_ going to try and assassinate me today?"

"Don't push your luck."

"Hah. Right." He got up and stretched as she left, then moved to go get his winter coat; the one that still had the little Kubikiribocho on its zipper.

He'd put the effort in to make the snowfall, he may as well get out there and enjoy it.

* * *

"We're sure about this?" Tsunade demanded, striding through the village. " _Everyone_?"

"Everyone." Kakashi replied from her left. "Every man, woman, and child within 1.5 radii of the villages centre. Including the workers we'd hired from other villages to help out."

"They snuck into that many houses?"

"There wasn't much in the way of sneaking, my lady." Said Shizune with a smile, from her other side. "Apparently many children are ecstatic that Santa Claus has given up his usual secrecy."

"For the love of-" Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "And the materials?"

"They took the wood from the nearest part of the forest." Shizune supplied. "You know, the part we were planning to use to rebuild the village?"

"Not that we can be upset, because they're making up over half of our labour force anyways." Kakashi pointed out, smiling under his mask.

"And just so I'm not mistaking things here..."Tsunade checked, "...Lego. They, they made Lego."

"Wooden Lego, yeah."

"I...how? Why?"

"Well I think statistically it's one of the most popular-"

Tsunade cut right across Kakashi. "I'm not asking how they chose it, I'm asking how they fucking made it all! There's an acre of trees worth of bricks spread across my village, when did they learn _woodcarving_?"

"Probably last night." Kakashi explained. "If I know them, Naruto sicced a few hundred shadow clones on learning the process, Sasuke copied it with his Sharingan and expanded on it, and Hinata handled all the direction and admin work."

"Their first night all together in the village and this happens. I'm beginning to see why I kept them all out on missions for so long...Is this it?"

They stopped outside a certain tent. Tsunade's aides nodded, and she stepped in through the flap with a glare prepared. "Alright, you little shits, you'd better have a damn good explan...ation..."

Naruto, Hinata and Sasuke...were certainly there. The three were lying unconscious on a shabby, king-sized mattress in the middle of the room. Naruto had his hands wrapped around Sasuke's legs, Hinata was laying practically on top of Naruto, and Sasuke was drooling on Hinata's back.

Scattered around them were a few cards and presents addressed to some combination of the three of them, survivors of (or created after) Pain's attack. Evidently their other well-wishers hasn't wanted to wake them up, and the fact that they hadn't noticed the intrusion indicated just how exhausted they must have been.

"You know, I think this is the first time they've slept since the Kage Summit." Kakashi said, innocently.

Tsunade clenched her teeth.

"Poor dears." Shizune sighed. "And they spent all night just trying to make other people happy, too!"

Tsunade grimaced.

"Alright." She muttered, more quietly this time. "They live. For now. But they'd better put some damn good work in once they're up, and if it hits midday and they haven't woken up..."

Kakashi and Shizune shared a grin, their work done, and left the tent. Tsunade got to the flap, paused, and looked back. She sighed. "Merry Christmas, kiddos. You deserve it."

A whoosh of wind, and she was gone.

* * *

A few seconds later, Naruto cracked an eye open.

"She gone?" Sasuke whispered.

"Yup." He replied.

"Oh, thank Kami. I cannot believe we got away with that."

Hinata just smiled, and snuggled closer to Naruto.

* * *

 **Why did I set the precedent for this. Ah, well, had a long car journey to get it done in, and that's where all this started.**

 **Woo, fun Christmas adventure! Enjoy your extra content. Regular chapters resumes Saturday as usual. Canonicity is once again dubious, but fuck it, this is fanfiction. If we respected canon we wouldn't even be here.**


	77. Interlude: Ze Var

**Interlude: Ze Var**

* * *

 _War...war never changes._

 _..._

 _Actually, it does, buckle up._

 _Look, the evolution of ninja warfare has been an absolutely wild ride, okay? One of the reasons lots of ninja in the 4th war had so much trouble with the wide variety of reanimated opponents they encountered was because those enemies were from a completely different era and fought in a completely different way. Here's a (brief) overview of just the last few hundred years._

 _So, warring states period. Now back then there were no hidden villages, no ninja academies, no formal training. There weren't any clanless who'd had the chance to learn anything and prove themselves, so you learned what your mum and dad taught you, and all the fighters were out there in heavy armour with war weapons. Look at Hashirama's scythe thing, or Madara's war fan. Kenjutsu was 'The Shit' in the founding of the villages, most people only really knew one or two jutsu from their clan. Like, your average Uchiha would have great fireball and maybe the Sharingan, that was it. Some ninja had some real chakra reserves, and they were essentially siege weapons. They sat in the back and spewed massive area of effect murder powers, but weren't prepped for close combat. Like these dudes had_ bodyguards _. War wasn't really fought by ninja as we know them today; the ones who learned infiltration and illusion were almost a totally different thing._

 _Now, I cannot stress enough how much the face of warfare was changed by Tobirama Fucking Senju. This man literally reinvented the concept. Remember how he made it so the water dragon could be used with four hand signs rather than twenty? Yeah, he did that for so many jutsu. Great fireball, buffeting wind, all sorts of other elemental murder blasts. They were all way more complicated before he applied his principles to them. And he didn't even have the nature transformation to use half of these, he just did it anyway. When he was_ bored _. Not to mention all the new techniques he invented._

 _Anyway, point is, suddenly you could use ninjitsu fast, and that shifted the meta_ so _much. Now the big chakra flex wasn't coming from an easily identifiable guy hiding away, it was coming from a dude right in your face. Katanas were the absolute dog's bollocks for this because they were big, and effective, and you could sheathe them in a split second, weave some hand seals, then draw them again. Konoha was pioneering this in the first war but by the second everyone was doing it. It was still information warfare; 'can I work out his clan's hidden jutsu before he works out mine', that's gonna be around as long as the clans are, but generally, 'fast with lots of power' was considered the top dog, since armour wasn't so useful against giant lightning bolts._

 _Now in the third war there was an issue, namely that everyone was dead. Like we've had two world wars already and all the previous fighters are old. Means that even though this is the first war where most of the fighters had actually been through the ninja academies, the average troop quality had dropped a mile. Clanless were stepping up to make up most of the numbers cos so few clans had enough people to contribute. Like we're recruiting seven year olds here. You ever tried to talk to a seven year old? They're barely even sentient at that point, even ninja kids._

 _Anyway, the name of the game in the third war was versatility. This was when the humble kunai was popularised as the primary combat weapon (by Minato the-sun-shines-out-of-his-ass Namikase, of course) when it had functioned as a backup for your sword before. It's fast, it's small, you can hold it in one hand, you can throw it, you can stick explosives to it, tie wire to it, carry a bunch of them, good stuff._

 _And people's strats were cheap, quick and nasty, too. The rare jonin who actually had competence with a nature transformation or a strong clan technique were slaying these kids like crazy, at least at first. Issue is that if you chuck thirty genin at the shadow paralysis guy, one of those genin will figure out to let off a flash grenade, and now the guy's dead. They were teaching kids a few basic jutsu, drilling them in a few taijutsu kata, and throwing them out to die._

 _Most historians agree it was the worst war out of all of them._

 _Now, we thought we knew what the fourth war was going to emphasise:_

 _Specialisation._

 _It's been a while since the last three. Long enough for a new generation to be born, taught, reach young adulthood. Everyone was so goddamn prepared. We were making teams, putting the girl with earth style defences together with the lightning one-hit-KO blaster and the genjutsu specialist, strats like that. People had had time to really knuckle down on getting_ good _at something, and then ganging up with their teammates to cover their weaknesses._

 _Everyone was pumped for world war four. We were gonna have team fights, everyone thought, we were gonna have 9000 IQ plays, we were gonna have the most difficult, most classy war in history._

 _We were idiots, and we were wrong._

 _The fourth shinobi war wasn't about strategy. It wasn't about your clever gimmick, or how hard you'd worked. Sure, fun little fights were happening, but they didn't_ matter _._

 _This war showed us that you only matter if you're a fucking God among men. You only matter if you're Madara Uchiha, or Naruto Uzumaki, because if you are then you can tear through entire armies without even thinking about it. Naruto could literally make enough clones to take on the whole army if he wanted to, and he didn't even understand why we were all so afraid._

 _If there's ever a fifth war, I can tell you right now that there isn't gonna_ be _a meta. It's going to be very simple: each village is going to pick the three or four most promising kids, and lavish all their attention onto those alone and turn them into the most terrifying creatures possible. Quality makes a joke out of quantity, especially when the power cliffing at the highest levels makes fighters who are to Kage what Kage are to academy students._

 _There are plenty of people who would prefer the third war, I imagine. You might have been ordered to 'run on sight' from the yellow flash, but at least running was an option._

 _Now? Ever since Madara pulled a meteor out of the sky, it's been clear that your only option is to pick a god and pray._

 _-Extract from Sasuke Uchiha's personal notebook, from some time during the war._

* * *

"...What?" Said a Naruto clone in sage mode, as the fuuninjutsu experts moved to seal the third Raikage's charred body, prevented from regenerating by a liberal application of chakra chains. "The Rasenshuriken is the highest attack potency jutsu I've even heard about, _and_ it's buffed by senjutsu, _and_ it's wind, which supereffects lightning. If he could tank that, he'd have taken over the world."

* * *

"SOME... _BO_ -"

"NO!" Temari's shock got overrun with rage almost immediately and she whirled around to shove her hand over an obnoxious blond's mouth. "Naruto? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Mrrbl hrrbl." He replied, eloquently. She removed her hand, and he continued intelligibly. "This isn't me. Shadow clone. Real Naruto is totally on the warfront, just not here." He looked over her shoulder and waved. "Hey Gaara!"

"Hello Naruto." Gaara smiled back. "Apologies for actively deceiving you about your friends being in danger."

"Nah, it's fine." Naruto waved. "You had a totally sensible reason for it."

"...But you're still here?"

"Yeah, because I'm not even vaguely sensible." He walked past her, paused, and pointed. "Hold on, is that fucking _Madara_?"

A few hundred metres away, stood on top of a cliff glaring at the fourth division, was a man in red armour with long black hair.

"Yes. That's him." Gaara said. "Worryingly, he's just been reanimated. Meaning that the person who claims to be Madara actually isn't."

"Oh, not good." Naruto put his hands together, and something poofed in front of him with no observable effect. "Just told that to the Naruto coalition. So we gonna go kick his ass?"

"Hell no!" Temari vetoed. "The other Kage are on their way. This is the guy that was considered an equal to _Hashirama_. We're not taking him on unless we have all our strongest fighters here."

"Oh, that won't work." Naruto snorted. "Important bad guys only die in 1V1s. Unless it's the biggest big bad, in which case you can kill them with an Avengers-style team up. But that needs all the main characters, which the Kage aren't. Best case scenario most of them get taken out early leaving one left to have a desperate showdown and then they win, and that's _best_ case. He'll probably just kill them all."

"The real world doesn't run on anime logic!" Temari snapped, causing Naruto to snort. "And if you wanna try and fight this guy on your own, be my guest!"

"Okay-"

" _No_! Stay here and wait!"

Naruto stopped, looked out. "He's jumped down."

"I know."

"He's, uh, he's slaughtering our ninja."

Temari pinched her forehead.

"Go." Gaara said, prompting his sister to turn on him, but he quickly forestalled her with "He's a clone. There's no risk in him being the one to stall for time." The Kazekage looked back, "You go out, I'll-"

Naruto was already gone.

* * *

"Run!" Screamed a ninja, who was, funnily enough, running. "Run! He's-"

Fugaku Uchiha grabbed the man by his jacket, glaring at him from behind a medical blindfold. "Run from what, Chunin?"

The rank had been an educated guess, but if he was wrong, the ninja didn't feel the need to comment on it.

"One of the reanimated ninja!" He explained, "Sharingan! Everyone he looked at turned against us, he's massacred half the company already-"

"Noted. Go." Fugaku dropped him, sighed, and started running forwards.

He reached the scene of the chaos quickly, which he noticed because he could smell the blood on the air, and also because he was being attacked.

He dispatched the few dozen remaining ninja nonlethally (they weren't even _jonin_ ) and then paid attention to the only other person nearby he could hear breathing. "Hello, Shisui." He said, tiredly.

"Hey, Uncle." Shisui's voice confirmed his identity. "You're still alive. And you had a Mangekyo, didn't know that. Might have put some dampers on the plan...hey, I have no real idea what's going on other than that I'm being compelled to kill my own people, can I get a recap?"

"Hyuuga got massacred and are mostly dead, Itachi and Neji schemed a lot and are dead, Danzo schemed a lot and is dead, and Sasuke's the new clan head." Fugaku recounted, briefly.

"Oh, okay. Good, I think?" Shisui hummed. "Shame about Itachi, good kid...are you still a bad guy?"

"No, I was a misunderstood anti-hero and now I'm going for redemption."

"Oh, okay. Wanna talk more about it?"

"Yes, I think I would." Fugaku chuckled. "Funny, how I happen to find you of all people. Almost like it was planned for people to encounter those who held the most thematic importance to them."

"Mm." Shisui replied. "I've only talked to Kabuto for about five seconds, but I'm pretty sure he's doing it deliberately. Anyway, how do you plan to fight me? You're blind. I can't Kotoamatsukami you but you're still screwed."

"Amazing." Fugaku mused. "Only one of those last three statements was true."

He reached up, and tore off the medical blindfold.

The genjutsu hit immediately, but Fugaku just glared at it and tore it apart as it came. Whatever this Shisui had in his sockets, they weren't his real eyes. Maybe zombie Kotoamatsukami didn't have the ten year time limit, but they were far weaker.

"Oh, hot damn." Said Shisui. "Where did you get those?"

"It turns out that we _can_ just swap eyeballs." Fugaku explained, taking a long look around with his new Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. "Funnily enough, two Uchiha getting them at the same time and actually being willing to try that wasn't all so common. I imagine the fact that you have to murder a loved one to get them (or so we thought) puts a bit of a damper on trust like that."

Shisui went "Huh. Whose were they?"

"These were Sasuke's, originally."

"He let you do that?"

"Well; he told me that he'd kill me if I tried anything. And we were preparing for war, after all." Fugaku shrugged. "You could probably make it out to be some symbolic olive branch or hatchet-burying, but nobody could be bothered to write a flashback about that."

"Sounds fair." Shisui was suddenly enveloped in green as his Susanno flared to life, the giant armoured guardian wielding a wicked spear in one arm. "So, shall we?"

Fugaku smiled as his own blood-red Susanno formed around him. "Yes. Let's."

* * *

Madara paused in his total devastation of the ninja forces when a giant blast of wind crashed into him.

He let it take him, amused, listening to a woman shout "DAMMIT NARUTO STOP OUTDOING ME!" as he was flung across the battlefield, before lightly coming to a stop on the sand and killing a few more people. There was an incoming storm of kunai, which he blocked with a katana he'd taken, and then ( _oh?_ ) a swarm of golden chains that he tore apart with similar ease. "Adamantine chains." He remarked, aloud. "Chakra suppression. Not bad, Uzumaki."

The next thing to come was a storm of wind blades, and those Madara couldn't block with the same ease; he channeled his power and ( _hmm, we'll stick with armoured for now_ ) his armoured Susanno sprung to life around him. The elemental attacks crashed into it with no visible effect, and he got an opportunity to actually see his attacker.

Blond, messy hair. Young, only sixteen or so. Eyes narrowed. _I like him._

"You're the Kyuubi's host?" Madara asked.

"I prefer 'partner'." Said the boy. "Some of us befriend the monsters rather than mind control them. I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

"How nice." Madara put his hands together, and his Susanno mimicked him. "Well, that makes all this easier. Wood release, great forest emergence."

* * *

"Oh, shit." Naruto muttered, before raising his voice: "MASSIVE CHAKRA DICKFLOP! EVERYONE BACK UP!"

Most people didn't need his advice. The gigantic wave of writhing vines was tearing towards the alliance at a rapid pace, breaking apart the ground and impaling (or simply bludgeoning) anything in its way. It was hundreds of metres wide and tens of metres tall, and moving faster than most of the escaping ninja could run.

 _Kyuubi_ , Naruto thought, _I gotta outflex him otherwise I'll have to admit he has a bigger chakra dick than me._

 _ **He has unlimited chakra, and you're being infantile.**_

 _Unlimited chakra, but limited magnitude. We can't outlast him, but we can overwhelm him. Besides, do you want to show your power off to this asshole or what?_

 _ **Heh**_. Naruto could hear the fox grinning. _**Fine. I'm keeping most of my power in reserve for when Prime needs it, but I can give you more than enough to pull this off.**_

 _Wait, you can just transfer your power to whichever clone?_

 _ **Yep. And if we merge fully, our whole combined chakra pool will be shared between every clone who wants it.**_

 _So...so the one weakness of my already bullshit jutsu will be completely gone?_

 _ **Yup. Merry Christmas. Now kick his ass.**_

Naruto put his hands together, golden chakra suffusing his body. "Multi shadow clone jutsu!" He shouted, and was echoed by hundreds of cries of "Big Ball Rasengan!" from his new army.

As one, the wave of Naruto charged forwards, forming a wall of wrathful blue destruction that tore the wood release constructs into so much disintegrated plant matter.

"Holy shit." Temari breathed. "Does Naruto have a bigger chakra dick than Madara?"

"And this is just a clone." Gaara muttered. "One of many. I wonder how big his dick is when they're all combined?"

"There is a precedent." Said an old voice from behind them. "Historically, clans such as the Senju and Uzumaki had notoriously big dicks, while the Uchihas weren't particularly impressive."

Gaara turned around and nodded. "Onoki. Glad you could make it. Your thoughts?"

"That this isn't the end of it." The Tsuchikage warned, floating up next to them. "Madara's dick was unusually big, big enough to rival Hashirama's, though apparently the Hokage did have him beat for sheer size. Naruto's is certainly impressive, but I get the feeling that right now, Madara is only showing us the tip. We need to be prepared in case he whips out the whole thing."

"...We're still talking about _Chakra_ , right?" Asked Temari, feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

Out on the battlefield, the primary Naruto clone was running forwards behind his 'wall of condensed teenage violence' (TM), golden cloak glowing around him from the Kyuubi's residual chakra.

There was a flash, and the first wave of clones disintegrated from a swing of the Susanno's swords, and Naruto was able to see Madara's face. He looked surprised, but not unduly so.

 _Let's change that. Can I have a bijuu bomb?_

 _ **We're not well synced enough yet**_.

 _Ugh, fine._

Two or three shadow clones were able to flee the Susanno's ring of terror, dropping back into meditative poses, and the cloaked clone charged in. With his increased speed, he was able to outright jump over one swinging blade, moving into a spin and generating a big-ball Rasengan in his off hand. He swung it in mid air and batted the glowing blue sword (itself the size of a bloody tree trunk) just after it zoomed past beneath him, propelling it further around to the other side. He landed and stretched out with his other hand, reaching out with chakra chains to ensnare Madara's other arm as his feet stuck themselves to the floor.

Kyuubi-amped-Naruto trumped suppressed Susanno, and he was able to pull the arm over across the titan's chest, anchoring it to the floor.

The avatar's hands were, quite literally, tied.

But it's occupant's weren't. Madara looked Naruto in the eye, Mangekyo Sharingan flashing.

He tried to genjutsu Naruto, and the Kyuubi broke him free.

He tried to genjutsu the Kyuubi, and Naruto broke him free.

Then, sighing, Madara lunged forwards. The Susanno disintegrated as the Uchiha flew towards Naruto with his hand outstretched, using the fact that Naruto too had tied hands to get a free kill-

Naruto vanished, and was substituted with another clone, which was laden with explosives tags that detonated (harmlessly, to people of this level) the moment Madara got close.

The three shadow clones that had been gathering sage chakra (the toads were dumbasses. Using two people to drain the area drains it twice as fast, duh.) stood up, and flung Senjutsu-Rasenshurikens.

The primary clone leaned back against one of the stone pillars, and smirked as the attacks crashed into their target.

* * *

Kankuro groaned as his advance scout drones started to disappear. _'No, team seven, it's fine, you lot all go do your own thing. No, Gai, it's fine, you go report to the Hokage. I'll just travel alone, I'm sure nothing will happen.'_

 _Why do my bad choices have to have consequences, huh?_

He stopped, and began summoning his puppets.

A few seconds later, Chiyo appeared in the clearing in front of him, which briefly gave him a bloody heart attack because what the actual hell?

"What the actual hell?" He said aloud.

"Reanimated to come kill you." Chiyo replied, wrinkling her nose as she looked at his defences. "What are _those_?"

"They were Chikamatsu's ten puppets." Kankuro explained. "Then I took them apart to see how they worked, and put them back together again. Uh, also that one used to be Sasori's body, same concept."

"Oh, well done!" Chiyo clapped, once. "Now, lets see what they can do!"

* * *

The smoke cleared, and the figure in red armour was fine.

"What the fuck?" Naruto shouted. "Bullshit, how are you still alive?"

"Because I'm Madara fucking U-" Madara paused, then glared into the middle distance. "No, dammit, I _refuse_ to pick up Hashirama's ticks."

"Wait, Hashirama came up with the 'I can do whatever I want' thing?" Naruto asked.

"Oh, indeed. But I always thought that if you're trying to avoid revealing how your powers work, you may as well just keep your mouth shut." Madara shook out his hand. "That was a very strong technique...but to answer your question," he looked up, and let his eyes shift pattern. Naruto gulped as the Rinnegan became visible. "I absorbed it with the Preta path."

"But the Preta path can't absorb sage chakra!" Naruto protested.

"Oh it can, but that doesn't mean the person who's trying to absorb it has any idea how to handle it. I have killed enough sages to be proficient in using it, though I can't gather it myself..."

"And where the hell did you get Rinnegan from anyway?" Naruto asked, carefully walking backwards as he stabbed down rapidly on the 'increase threat level' button in his brain.

"They're mine. I developed them in the first place." Madara shrugged. Then he put a hand to his eyes and frowned. "Or...no, these aren't mine, thank you for bringing that to my attention. The originals I put in a boy named Nagato, so I imagine these are some scientific replica constructed from my DNA, built for use in this body."

 ** _Ha!_** Said the Kyuubi, **_that WAS all Madara, fucking called it-_**

Madara stopped musing, which Naruto noticed because the killing intent he was emanating tripled in a moment. "Now. Let's test my summoner's limits, shall we? Tengai Shinsei."

There was a subsonic boom, as Madara resummoned his Susanno and started weaving hand seals, and Naruto had the good sense to jump the fuck backwards, grouping up with Gaara, Temari and Onoki again.

A few seconds passed, as the fourth division grouped itself back together and Madara didn't move.

"Uh." Naruto looked between his friends. "Is he just screwing with us?"

"No." Temari said, gulping. "Guys? Look up."

They did.

"... _AAAAAAAAAAAH_ -"

"HOLY _SHIT_ -"

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ -"

"RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

The _giant fuckoff meteor_ continued, despite their screams, to plummet towards them with terrifying rapidity.

Naruto's jaw was hanging open. "What kinda Majora's Mask bullshit is this?"

"Enough panicking!" Onoki snapped. "We can do this! I'll use my particle style to decrease its weight! Gaara! Summon some some sand and catch it!"

"Will that work?" Temari asked, desperately.

"If it doesn't, that thing's going to teamwipe the whole division." Gaara held his arms out, concentrating. "I will not allow this attack to kill my friends. Onoki, go."

"Right!" The diminutive Kage flew upwards, and a giant pillar of stand began to form and mushroom outwards above them.

"I'm sorry." Naruto said, face scrunched up in anguish, "I don't have enough chakra to help out, with all the madness happening to Prime-"

"Naruto, for once in your life." Gaara bit out, with some effort. "Shut up, and let us carry the team for a moment, okay?"

Naruto nodded, and did as he was told.

Onoki hit the boulder, and the boulder hit the sand. The resulting sound was deafening, everyone on the ground stumbling as the giant object collided into its sand 'umbrella' and began to push downwards, slowly shedding momentum over a hundred metres or so as it moved inexorably closer to the ground. Gaara grit his teeth, and more sand supports rose up from the ground, as with a grinding noise, the meteorite sloooowly...

...came to a stop.

There was a long pause.

"Got it." Gaara winced. "Hardening the sand now, it should hold indefinitely on its own after I'm finished."

"Woo!" Naruto grinned, slapping his back as the tension broke. "Go Gaara! That was amazing!"

"Impressive indeed." Came a booming voice. Madara was stood some distance away, watching them casually. "I'll admit, I didn't even think you'd stop one meteor."

"O-one?" Temari asked, tentatively.

And then the second meteorite crashed into the first.

* * *

It is a common misconception that shadow clones cannot feel.

This isn't exactly true. They obviously don't have souls (which is known, because you can't rip said soul out of them) but as a mirror of their creator, they can think and feel emotions in line with the way their creator would.

Naruto's shadow clone was able to feel shock, when it realised it hadn't popped. Relief, when it realised it was currently inside an insulated sand cocoon, which it could easily punch out of in order to get back onto the battlefield.

And then, once it started seeing the corpses, it was able to hurt.

"What." It said, hoarsely, looking out at a sea of dead and broken ninja, crushed under chunks of stone, screaming-

"Gaara, what-why me?" He turned around to see the Kazekage staggering out of his own cocoon, looking ragged. "What did you-Gaara, it's not really Naruto, I'm not a _person_ , why did you save me and not them?"

"Because you're worth more." Onoki grunted, emerging from behind him. "Even, ngh, even if you're just some construct, boy, you're more useful here than a hundred of these men."

"But I-"

"So get out there and prove you're worth it. Save a hundred more."

Naruto grimaced, looking out across the devastation. In the distance, Madara was already regenerating.

There was a small noise, and appearing on the ground beside them was a large squad of ninja. Assorted jonin, who began running to assist the wounded, and...

"Took you long enough." Temari growled, getting up. She looked the arrivals over and frowned. "Where's Tsunade?"

"She had a prior commitment." Said Konan, walking up alongside A, Haku, and Mei. "Class reunion party. We're all you get."

"Well we'll have to make it work." Haku cracked his neck. Then he paused, touched his neck again, and said "Oh, fucking finally..." the small black diamond there expanded, stretching into myriad patterns across his skin. "Strength of a hundred seal is done! Now we're in business. Hey, can we get a powers check? I have a bunch of ice and mist ninjutsu."

"Lava, water, steam fire and stone." Mei raised a hand. "If I catch him in the boil release he's dead."

"Lightning cloak. Melee violence." A added.

"Mass sand manipulation." Gaara chipped in, and "Flight, instakill lasers." Onoki summarised.

"Flight, paper summons, traps and explosives." Konan provided. "And if anyone here can actually seal him, it's me."

"Shadow clones, chakra suppression chains, sage mode, Rasengans." Naruto added, starting to feel glimmers of hope. "Hey, this is a solid team! What's he got on this?"

"He's Madara." A answered.

"Oh. Yeah. Fuck."

Together, the (not exactly) five Kage turned to face the undead god.

The undead god started running towards them.

* * *

 **Hehe, i made penis jokes.**

 **see you next week for the fight continuations!**


	78. Fun with Zombies 1

**Fun with Zombies #1**

* * *

The title for the most powerful ninja alive is a little term called 'God of Shinobi'. You generally only get it when just about everyone else on the continent (even the ones that hate you) unanimously agree you deserve it.

Hashirama Senju had it, at first, after he pretty much single handedly started the modern era then murdered the only competition for it. Then it was given to Hiruzen, who held it through three world wars and on until his death. Nobody really stood out in the four or so years since then, but everyone who had seen the work of Uzumaki Naruto in the last few weeks had a pretty good idea of who might take the title next.

There's also a much less well known title, the 'heaven-hell duo', which is for the most effective pair of ninja; this one based more on the level of their teamwork rather than raw power. This one was held by Ginkaku and Kinkaku until their death (and they were hardly lacking in raw power, these pricks stole chakra from the nine-tails, they were Kage level) and no duo would claim the title until many years later, in the aftermath of the third shinobi world war. That being Itachi Uchiha and Neji Hyuuga, who were capable of garnering quite the reputation even before one of them ran off to become a terrorist.

And then there's the title for the most effective full ninja team. Much more well known, with only one group ever claiming the title. Everyone's heard of the Sannin, or the 'legendary three'.

And if you'd thought that over a decade of separation, betrayal, and festering depression would get in the way of that teamwork...

Well, I mean, first of all you'd be wrong.

"Shinra tensei!"

"Mud wall!"

"Hidden snake hands!"

"Substitution jutsu!"

The techniques were popping off like fireworks.

Orochimaru got hit with a missile and exploded (he was probably fine) into a mess of small snakes that dropped atop Nagato, but as they were chakra constructs they immediately shrivelled up and died as he used the Preta path to absorb them. A fireball Jiraiya sent in from his left was blocked by a giant panda that appeared out of nowhere and vanished just as quickly, then from the other side Tsunade simply hurled a massive boulder at him. Another "Shinra Tensei." Blew it into pieces, and then Tsunade was lunging in. She punched the arm that aimed to rip out her soul, blasting it into dust, just as Orochimaru substituted with a broken rock shard (oh good, there he was-) and stretched out with the sword of Kusanagi all while Jiraiya's hair whipped in to immobilise another arm.

Nagato's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly.

The arm trapped by the hair grew buzz saws that shredded the offending locks at the same moment the King of Hell appeared from the ground and stretched its tongue out, catching Tsunade's arm as she moved in for a punch, and a quick Bansho Tenin (on an entirely different cooldown to his universal push) yanked Orochimaru in off his feet, colliding into Tsunade.

She quickly tore her arm free of the King, she and Orochimaru twisting and moving through each other's space like dancers, preventing either from being thrown off balance. They were professionals, for goodness sake, come on, they knew how to avoid tripping each other up. But it gave Nagato time to catch the sword of Kusanagi, grabbing it in his now free hand and twisting it away. He kicked out at Tsunade, but she blocked his leg so hard it flew off, and Jiraiya was charging in with a giant Rasengan while Nagato's stump-leg grew a cannon, which promptly fired a load of buckshot straight through Tsunade's chest. The hand that had redirected Kusanagi grabbed Orochimaru by the throat, who then exhaled in Nagato's face, releasing a cloud of fumes that quickly congealed into an adhesive mass that covered his upper torso, leaving him unable to move an arm to catch the Rasengan that was growing closer and-

The timer ticked over. Another "Shinra Tensei." tore the offending goop off him, negated the attack, and flung all his attackers away.

 _Okay, this little shit is good._ Jiraiya sent to his teammates. (if you aren't using genjutsu to communicate at this point, you aren't trying.)

 _Told you we should have just killed him when he was ten_. Orochimaru added, retracting Kusanagi into his gullet with a snap. He still couldn't effectively use his arms for much.

"Hundred healings." Tsunade muttered out loud, and her tattoos spread across her body as the gross damage to her stomach was rapidly mended. _For the first time in forever, I'm agreeing with traitor-face. How many different powers does this guy need? They all barely have noticeable warmups, only a few have cooldowns, and he doesn't even have to give a crap about chakra cost._

 _We'll manage_. Jiraiya reassured. _We know everything he can do, even if it's all stupidly overpowered. Improvise..._

 _Adapt_...Tsunade added.

 _Overcome_. Finished Orochimaru. The snake Sannin was smiling.

"Sorry again." Nagato said aloud. "I really don't-Oh, perfect, I can't reasonably avoid using this anymore. Summoning jutsu."

He put his arms down on the floor.

Appearing in front of him was, well, a goddamn menagerie. The Sannin all jumped backwards to avoid a three headed dog, gecko, bird-thing, and panda, all of which dwarfed the surrounding landscape.

"For the love of..." Tsunade groaned.

"Oh, come on team, power ranger moment!" Jiraiya grinned.

He bit his finger, Orochimaru slit one palm with a nail, and Tsunade gathered some blood from her wounded stomach. As one, they declared "Summoning jutsu!" and slammed their hands to the floor.

A gigantic Toad, Slug, and Snake all boomed into existence, quickly taking stock of the situation and each other.

"Ohoho, great! Round two! Can't argue with another chance to take on this guy!" Gamabunta grinned, drawing his sword.

"It's so good that we're all able to get together again without fighting each other!" Gushed Katsuya.

"It has been a while..." Manda mused. "Let's show these monsters what a real summon can do."

"Remember guys, he can resummon them the moment they die, and we can't exhaust him like last time!" Jiraiya shouted, from atop Gamabunta's head. "Keep 'em busy for us while we seal the summoner!"

 _You sure you can do that?_ Orochimaru sent across. _I understand you had a little trouble keeping the nine-tails in line while you were training it's host. I'd take a rampaging Kyuubi over this zombie any day._

 _I'm sure_. Jiraiya cracked his knuckles. _You're only talking to the guy who taught Minato Freaking Namikaze. All I need is a second or so..._

 _That's what B said._ Tsunade sent, wryly _. I think that dog just crushed his body._

"We'll make it work!" He reiterated, out loud. "Now then! Chin up, losers, we've got a full on freaking kaiju battle to navigate!"

* * *

Naruto ran through the forest, eyes narrowed in concentration. He was barely even noticing his surroundings; all his attention on the never ending flood of info from his army of shadow clones.

Much as he didn't like to admit, this was...taxing. Two thousand sets of memories of the same twenty second fight in the same place? Fine. He just ended up with a ridiculously accurate memory of the time, a 3D printout with hundreds of different perspectives that congealed into something a little like what Hinata's byakugan saw.

But this was nothing like that. Every few seconds he was receiving memories from popped clones from hundreds of different places from across the war. He saw all four divisions, hundreds of reanimated ninja, Kakashi, Gai, Sai, Fugaku...Madara. And hot damn if that wasn't a particularly terrifying perspective; the clone backing up the Kage against him was in the middle of the fight of its life.

Naruto Prime felt a headache building. All of the memories, all of the raw info, all of the _pain_...

 ** _Easy, Kit._** Advised the Kyuubi. **_Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself this hard?_**

 _Everywhere I'm not fighting, people are dying._ Naruto retorted, angrily. _Now's not the time to take it easy._

 ** _And if you pass out from the strain and they all pop, it'll be even worse._** The Fox pointed out. **_This is your first time really pushing your limits. If you can stay at the exact maximum effort you can put in, great, but if you don't know what that limit is, you're better off undershooting._**

 _You want me to gamble with peoples lives?_

 ** _When you have the power we do, you're always gambling with lives. Get used to it quickly. And anyway, remember that the fastest way to save those people is to find the person reanimating everyone and end them. Focus on that._**

 _Fucking...right. Okay._

It was at that exact moment that he felt a consciousness blink into existence in front of him.

He stopped on a tree branch, warily looking forwards as a man in a mask jumped up to an opposite branch and tilt his head at him.

"Tobi, right?" Naruto asked. "Hey, what's up. I'm here to walk right into your trap."

"You are, aren't you?" The masked man replied. Naruto didn't fail to notice that one of his eyes held a Sharingan, and the other...a Rinnegan? How many of those freaking things are there?

"I'm a little curious," Tobi continued, "Why you are here, given that you're fully aware I want that Bijuu. B I can understand, but you have clones, dude, what's your deal?"

"I'm an idiot." Naruto replied, smiling. "I mean, I could use the excuse that I'm a lot more durable than the clones are. But the truth is, I just wanna punch your face in _personally_."

Tobi laughed. "Well damn if you don't fit the textbook definition of a Shonen protagonist."

Naruto's smile widened. "Fit it? I _wrote_ that definition."

"Oh I _like_ you!" Tobi clapped his hands. "Well, you know what has to happen now, right?"

"Final showdown?" Naruto asked. "We can't do that one until I've fully bonded with the Kyuubi. Sorry, dramatic story structure, you know."

"Oh, crap, you're right." Tobi put one hand to his chin and stroked the mask there with a finger. "Okay, so that means...oh, I know! You can fight my evil lieutenants!"

He snapped his fingers and the air in front of him swirled, a portal of some kind opening in midair.

Out of that portal jumped six men and women with Rinnegan eyes, and Naruto suddenly got a blast of deja-vu.

"Oh, poop." He muttered to himself, then raised his voice. "Are those the freaking Jinchurikki?"

"Yup!" Tobi sounded like he was beaming, as his six paths of pain arrayed themselves in front of him. "Funny thing, you know how I have all the tailed beasts in the Gedo statue? Well if I really want to, I can imbue those beasts back into the bodies of the paths of Pain! So I can remote control six Jinchurikki to fight you while still keeping all the Rinnegan powers to myself, isn't that neat?"

"They can all use their bijuu powers?"

"They can all use their bijuu powers, yes."

"And you're controlling them and they can all see through each other's eyes still?"

"Yes, and they all have their jutsu and bloodline limits from when they were alive."

Naruto sighed, deeply.

"I know this is kinda rich coming from me." He said, making a fighting stance. "But your powers are bullshit."

* * *

Sasuke had noticed, as early as back in the Forest of Death, that an Uchiha and Hyuuga working together made a dangerous pair. It had been true in the Chunin exams, and it was even more so now: Their dojutsu had both improved considerably in the last four years, and they were able to synchronise with each other to an incredible degree.

There was one slight problem though.

"Great fire-"

"Lightning-"

"That combination attack won't work, you two, we've been using it for years, we know how to block it!"

"Fuck _off_ , Itachi!"

Yeah, their opponents could do the exact same thing. Only they had a decade more experience doing it.

The forest where the Hyuuga and Uchiha brawled was barely even still there at this point. One side had eternal dojutsu, and the other side regenerated and had infinite chakra, which meant that everything in a two-hundred metre radius was covered in either black fire, white opal, or both. Navigating that terrain (with the abandon only undead can muster) were Neji and Itachi, and the pair were working together like they shared the same brain. They substituted with each other constantly, meaning Sasuke and Hinata could never be sure which opponent they were going to face at any given moment. They threw each other equipment, they set up jutsu for each other to capitalise on, they acted without taking any time at all to communicate yet always managed to be at the exact right place at the exact right time.

And then, obviously, there was the dojutsu spam.

"Tsukiyomi!" Itachi called, making eye contact with Hinata, and "Hiragekoma!" She tore the genjutsu apart almost immediately, but was too slow to stop the "Amaterasu!" That sprung to life on her torso, and was only saved by "Kagutsuchi!" Sasuke pulling the attack away from her while he was trying to defend himself from a taijutsu blitz from Neji. In turn, it was only a rapid "Kesshotoketsu!" from Hinata that froze Neji's arm in place to stop his palm striking Sasuke's head.

If Hinata hadn't shared the secret about deliberately blinding yourself, "Kokosora!" would have taken Sasuke out the fight before it had even began.

"You know, it is actually really fun to be able to use all my crazy powers!" Neji shouted, freeing himself and jumping away as Samehada crashed into his previous location. "You know, without worrying about overusing them and killing myself!"

"Yes, I'm sure it's a wonderful power fantasy!" Hinata shot back. "Now could you kindly stop it? You're making this a lot harder for us!"

"We're under Kabuto's control, remember?" Itachi explained, as he flicked one wrist and the air in front of him was torn apart by shuriken and kunai. "We're being made to go all out! I've been running through a bunch of mental gymnastics to try and interfere with it, or I'd've killed you twice already!"

"Three times!" Neji cut in.

"Oh, quit showing off!" Sasuke snarled.

"Look, do something!" Neji advised, focusing on Hinata. "You can't beat me with attrition this time, cousin, you need to do something decisive! Trust me, you do _not_ want to know what Kabuto has planned for you!"

"I didn't, until you said _that_." She rolled her eyes, while she was pirouetting upside down with a chidori in her hand. "Alright, fine, escalating. Sasuke!" She shot a genjutsu across.

He received it, and grinned. "On it!"

She dropped down in front of Sasuke just as Itachi decided he was going to launch a "Ultimate Burning Dragon Jutsu!" And then set that on fire with Amaterasu, because why not, right?

It streaked towards her, and she narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms in front of herself.

The dragon crashed into her.

Then she heaved, and the white wings of her Vishnu swung outwards, firing a blizzard of opal feathers covered in Amaterasu back out at them. She jumped up, and took to the air, as Sasuke's Susanno manifested behind her and launched it's string of Magatama forwards.

"Oh, yours gets wings? That's not fair!" Shouted Neji as he darted behind Itachi, who's orange Susanno blossomed around both of them. He brought up the Yata mirror to block the shrapnel, and that was what the magatama beads latched onto, wrapping around it. Sasuke's Susanno heaved, _if I can just get that damn shield out of the way, Hinata's crazy chidori variants should be able to break through-_

It didn't work. Neji, encased in his own Vishnu, jumped out and launched a palm strike at the chain in just the right spot, shattering it and causing the beads no longer attached to disintegrate.

Hinata was already on the way down, now flapping her wings rapidly to try and negate her momentum, but the very nature of their combination attack had left her a very tiny window to disengage.

Neji jumped up at her, and she let the Crystal chidori she'd been charging punch through his chest, but realised too late that that was the whole _point_ , and even as he plummeted several metres into the ground, he'd taken the only attack she had that might block the Totsuka blade _Shit_ -

"No!" Shouted Itachi, spearing the sword towards her, and

"No!" Roared Sasuke, who discarded the magatama with one hand while raising the other up to point forwards without any idea what he was trying to do but _come on, you're 'He who has the power to help by all means', right?_

Purple chakra coalesced above the arm, and then he clenched his fist, and there was a sonic boom.

A bolt the size of a tree flew out of the newly formed crossbow, and collided into the Totsuka blade, knocking it sideways. Hinata banked hard, and the orange sword came within an inch of her nose as she flew right along its length, landed on the Susanno's chest, and then stabbed a crystal enhanced chidori sharp-spear straight through it, neatly beheading Itachi.

The Susanno dissipated and Hinata dropped down atop the disintegrating body, pulling out a sealing scroll and hoping beyond hope that this would actually work. Behind her, her Byakugan showed her that Sasuke was doing something similar. He jumped down to where Neji was trying to emerge from his hole and slammed a Susanno fist into him like this was fucking whack-a-mole, then dropped out of his avatar to bear down on the remnants with another sealing scroll in his hands.

If the zombies hadn't regenerated from the head, it would have worked.

Neji managed to pull off a Hiragekoma the very moment his eyes had reformed ( _oh, of course they don't actually need to say the words-_ ) which completely nullified the entire array on the scroll. Itachi didn't have so graceful a solution, he just set the whole damn thing on fire.

Sasuke and Hinata were both forced to back up as the Edo-nin both returned to full corporeal form.

"This is so, fucking, _stupid_." Itachi growled.

"Nice try, you really should have had us there." Neji groaned.

Hinata and Sasuke exchanged glances.

 _We can't seal them in the time they regenerate, even if we completely destroy them._ She sent across.

 _And EMS might have made my Mangekyo techniques cheaper, but I still can't keep up the Susanno for more than a minute without running out of chakra._ Sasuke replied. _Same with you?_

Hinata nodded. "Don't you think all this is just...ridiculous? It's like all semblance of real strategy and careful technique choice is just gone. Now all we're doing is using our bullshit dojutsu powers to solve all our problems."

"Feels like it takes all the skill out of it, yeah." Sasuke sighed. "I mean, I dramatically won a fight while blind, so I'm over it, but you're still right."

"Think I should do that?"

"I mean maybe after the war, we're kind of on a time limit here. Who would be fun for you to fight blind, Gai, maybe?"

"Yeah but then it's just a matter of how many gates I can deal with, no way I can beat all eight without the Vishnu. Maybe I could take on Kakashi with his mask down?"

"Ooh, I'd pay to see that fight!"

Across from them, Itachi held a hand up. "Uh, guys? Kabuto's gonna make us attack you again now."

"Right, fine, yeah..." Sasuke sighed and stretched. "Okay, come on. What can we do to get a definitive advantage over these pricks..."

Hinata thought about it. Now would be a wonderful time to have the Totsuka blade, actually. Did it seal them, or just throw them into some other dimension?

 _Ooh, throw them somewhere else, that would work. I don't know anything that can teleport people away from me...teleport people to me and move me somewhere else? Karin had that one idea against Deidara, didn't she, where I could dodge the explosion by summoning-_

 _SUMMONING!_

She grinned, and used a chakra scalpel from one finger to slit her palm.

The only summons Kabuto had experience dealing with were the snakes. And the snakes were selfish, honourless pricks. But the owls...

"Summoning Jutsu! Athena!" She slammed her palm to the ground, feeling a huge chunk of her remaining chakra leave her.

Across the battlefield, Neji immediately understood what was going on, but was clever enough not to act like it; he just grinned and said "Alright then, Kaiju battle! Summoning Jutsu! Icarus!"

* * *

In the angel mountains, Icarus and Athena both felt the tug at the same time. They looked at each other, then both turned to the other two owls nearby.

"Don't. Go. _Anywhere_. Do you understand?" Athena ordered, dangerously.

On the planetoid below them both, Kudos twitched. He kept his eyes very carefully shut, and nodded.

"I won't let anything happen too him, my lady." Forsooth bowed.

With that assurance, the two siblings both vanished.

* * *

"How the hell does this help us!" Sasuke shouted once the two giants appeared, facing each other.

"Because Kabuto made a mistake." Hinata grinned. Primed as he was by the other big kaiju battle going on a few kilometres behind them ( _Oh hey, Jiraiya's alive. And I'm glad to see Rochi's doing okay._ ) Kabuto had made the mistake of allowing Neji to make a summon to counter hers.

But the owls weren't the same as the creatures from the animal path.

Rule one of any summoning contract with sage creatures: Just because you summoned them doesn't mean they're under your control.

"Dear sister." Icarus mused. "It's been a long decade. Don't you think it's about time we buried the hatchet?"

"Indeed." Athena replied. "Let's bury it in _them_."

"I know this was my idea, but since I can feel pain, I am very much regretting it right now." Remarked Neji, as both owls turned as one, and drew their weapons on him.

* * *

 **I'd like to say this was all planned from the start, but I really did not plan for the owls to play such a big role when I first introduced them. Put Checkov's gun on the wall and it'll fire itself, I guess.**

 **And as meta as conversations may get, I promise you, Naruto cannot break the fourth wall. He's just read way too much manga, and knows when to spot the patterns.**


	79. Fun with Zombies 2

**Fun with Zombies #2**

* * *

 _If civilisation survives the next few days,_ Jiraiya decided, _there are gonna be so many cool kaiju movies about this._

The bird Nagato was riding screamed as Manda leapt up and latched its jaws about its throat. Below, Katsuya had split into three and grabbed onto all of the dog's heads, doing something very horrible to it (that was better off undescribed) causing it to run around, howling in pain and outright trampling the gecko-thing. Gamabunta had stabbed his sword through one of the legs of the giant rhino, effectively immobilising it, and looked up to the horizon. "Hey, look!" He called. "Athena and Icarus are over there! I haven't seen them in ages!"

"Eyes on the battle!" Jiraiya shouted from atop his forehead, looking higher up to where Manda was forcing the bird to slowly lose altitude. "Can you jump that high?"

"Hah! _Can_ I?"

Up in the air, Nagato was unable to use Shinra Tensei without blowing away his own bird, but that was far from his only deterrent. He threw off his tattered and mostly destroyed robe, bearing his upper torso just in time for six missiles to fire themselves up from his back, arcing through the air and down to slam into Manda's body...or they would have, if they hadn't exploded in the air a few metres away.

Jiraiya didn't know how Orochimaru was doing it, but he didn't care, he and Gamabunta had just jumped upwards above both of them. Gamabunta drew his sword, "Kiai!"d, and swung it down, neatly decapitating the bird. Jiraiya jumped off as it vanished, leaving Nagato in free fall, and dove towards the Uzumaki with another giant Rasengan.

There were a few ways the plan could go, and the route was decided when Nagato chose not to negate the attack with one of his precious Universal Pushes, instead catching it with the Preta path. This was good. This meant two of his arms were occupied.

His third Asura limb disjointed awkwardly, and caught Orochimaru's attempt to cut it off with the sword of Kusanagi (everyone who had fought with or against the Sannin knew that generally, Orochimaru could find a way to be Wherever He Wanted on the battlefield, regardless of anything you tried to do about it.)

Jiraiya kept on pouring chakra into the Giant Rasengan, feeling his reserves dip dangerously as Orochimaru kept swinging his mouth-sword to keep the Asura-arm from doing anything as they all fell through the air, and Tsunade jumped up from the ground below them, preparing a double-kick that would blow off both Nagato's normal arms and free up Jiraiya to start the sealing process.

 _Even if he uses the universal push, she's out of range, and-_

"Bansho Tenin!"

"Oh for _fuck's_ sake-"

Tsunade felt herself being yanked in even faster, and then they were all within ten feet just in time for "Shinra Tensei!" to hurl them all away again.

This wasn't the end though, Gamabunta was falling beside Nagato and had just finished the hand seals for a water bullet, and hopefully the Uzumaki wouldn't realise that, since they were sage creatures, he couldn't absorb their jutsu-

He realised.

He made one hand seal, and the giant panda teleported from the floor to just in front of him, catching the water bullet and being flung backwards across the forest. Then he made another seal, and the bird was resummoned below him. This didn't only catch him, it caught _Tsunade_ , who had been thrown directly downwards by the Shinra tensei and was now flat on her back amidst grey feathers.

She immediately slammed her fist downwards, hitting the beast below her with enough force to destroy it immediately, but it had already arrested all her momentum and Nagato was practically diving towards her with his hand outstretched.

She growled, and clapped her hands together.

The force she generated broke every bone in both hands as she replicated a move she'd seen in a movie once (and had then attempted, and then been laughed at by her teammates for weeks. It had gone about as well as you'd expect.) The resulting shockwave blasted through the air and outright tore Nagato's outstretched hand off, and propelled Tsunade downwards faster, giving her enough time to reorient herself, hit the floor, and jump away.

Nagato regenerated the arm, resummoned the bird (again) and floated there watching them.

The timer on Shinra Tensei reset.

The Sannin regrouped.

"I'm a little bit upset." Orochimaru admitted. His body was missing an arm, and bleeding profusely.

"Yeah. Getting a little of that myself." Tsunade said through gritted teeth, as her hands painfully mended themselves.

"Please come up with something!" Nagato shouted over to them. "The only reason I'm being this passive is because I'm currently trying to exhaust you all! And the only reason I'm allowed to do that is because you haven't really threatened me yet!"

Even if it was the least effective strategy Nagato could pick, it was still working. Jiraiya assessed the situation, and sighed. His chakra pool was practically empty. "We need my sage mode." He told them. "I could tango with Deva in it, for a while. And if I can make a Senjutsu Rasengan, we only need to bait out Shinra Tensei and it's GG. It might just turn him into a statue right on the spot."

Tsunade looked across at him. "You going to summon Ma and Pa?"

"Don't have the chakra to. I'll have to manage without." He grinned weakly. "If I'm ever going to become a perfect sage, now's the time, right?"

"How long will you need?" Orochimaru asked.

"I don't know. Full seconds. Maybe minutes."

"Wonderful..." the Snake Sannin seemed to finally notice the state of his body. "Fine. We'll buy you the time if it kills us."

"Don't you _dare_ make it kill us." Tsunade warned him, before looking across at Orochimaru. "You want some healing on that?"

"Nope. This body was only ever meant to be temporary." He breathed in, and out. "This might be a little...gross. Eight Headed Serpent jutsu."

"Oh, crap, now we're talking." Nagato tapped his bird once, and it charged forwards.

Tsunade smashed her fists together, Jiraiya began to meditate, and Orochimaru straight up disintegrated.

* * *

"Indra's Arrow: Miniature!"

"Oh, this has got to be Karma for when I made you fight him!"

"Not _Karma_. Just spite!"

Itachi and Neji quite reasonably got out of the way of the giant bolt of lightning (Yata Mirror's all well and good, but not when the attack is _bigger than the shield_ ) and Hinata swooped in after it, launching down into taijutsu with her cousin.

Sasuke couldn't join her, he was stood atop the head of Athena using Kagutsuchi to redirect all the black fire Itachi was throwing at them. The benefit they gained from sacrificing one of their combatants like that was...fairly obvious. Another arrow wider than Hinata's armspan blasted past her cheek and tore a gaping hole in Neji's left side as he tried desperately to evade it, his remaining limbs blocking her furious taijutsu assault.

Insuffuciently.

Her wings dug into his shoulders, leaving his arms to beat harmlessly against them as hers were free to strike at his head and torso. Such attempts were ineffective, because the whole point of the damn Vishnu was that it didn't let chakra through, _for the love of_ -

 _Something something personal mantra, world's literally at stake, let's do this_ \- "First Gate! Open!"

She closed her fingers, and punched, and began to see some real effects.

"We really need to stop meeting like this!" Neji shouted at her, when her fist broke his collarbone. It healed rapidly.

"Your bloody fault!" She snarled, skin red. "You're the one who had to break into so many bits while I was kicking your ass the first time!"

"That's...technically fair!" Neji continued blocking, as she forced him further and further backwards. He was fully intact now, having regenerated from the arrows hits. _Oh for goodness sake, how many times do I have to teach you this lesson young man!_

"Third Gate! Open!"

"Is that your solution to _every problem?_ " Neji rolled his eyes (she punched one of them). "Just gradually increase in gates until opponent is dead?"

"Works for Lee! And no, this is just my solution to _you!"_

He kept blocking. She kept attacking. After a while, she had torn off his legs, and was basically beating a slowly regenerating torso through the forest.

It was only when she realised that Neji was _not talking_ and that she didn't actually have a final solution beyond 'whale on him until exhausted', that she actually thought to pay attention to her Byakugan again.

And swore.

 _I'm So Fucking_ Stupid _-_

She stopped her attack, cut the gates, and pivoted on the spot, catching the amaterasu that came flying towards her on one wing, as Itachi charged out from the woods towards her.

She'd gotten distracted, lost focus on the wider battle, let Neji bait her away from the conflict, and now Sasuke and the birds were stuck dealing with a quartet of exploding shadow clones while both of the duo tag-teamed her _dammit Hinata!_ And as much as she wanted to blame the effects of the gates, she was fully aware this was an issue _she_ had a history of.

She swept Itachi aside with her intact wing while the other crumbled under the black fire, then turned back to block a palm strike from Neji, froze him with Kesshotoketsu, turned back again and fired off lightning at Itachi who was already ducking it and setting off a giant fire dragon right in her _face-_

She flew backwards, and Neji caught her, grabbing one leg, breaking the bone with some lightning technique and then slamming her into the ground. She trapped him in crystal again, then Itachi was flipping over her again and she froze him too, but then Neji was free and he kicked her in the ribs as she tried to get up, and she kept spraying the crystal attacks at both of them as she crawled away but they were getting better at breaking it, and then Itachi threw up an earth wall in front of her next one and pushed it towards her, and she smashed through it only for Neji to dart over her head and grapple her, yanking her hair back and trying to force her to her knees as the barest parts of Itachi's Susanno appeared, most notably his _giant fuckoff sealing sword,_ and Hinata started making the hand seals of her most immediately explosive jutsu but it looked like there wouldn't be enough time-

 _Sorry Sasuke, Naruto-_

There was a keening screech. Her Byakugan showed her nothing, but her eyes were able to see just fine as a gigantic blue shape crashed down into her right as the Totsuka blade thrust in-

* * *

Orochimaru, briefly, existed in the form of a large white snake with a very weird, scary face on the end of it.

"So yeah, this is me." He said, in a hissing voice. "This is what I look like."

"Neat." Said Tsunade.

And then he _grew._

By the time Nagato's bird reached them, it was batted out of the sky by a _humongous_ white hydra. This thing had eight freaking heads, each of which was bigger than Manda, and it began clearing out all the Animal path's summons with ease.

"Since when in hell did you have _that?_ " Tsunade shouted.

"Since I needed something that could flex on Jiraiya's sage mode!" Orochimaru answered her, a more human looking body emerging out of one of the hydra's mouths. "What are you waiting for, help me beat this guy up! Ultimate dragonbreath jutsu!"

Five of the snake's heads opened, each launching the 'Dragon' jutsu of all five elements.

Nagato began to run as earth, wind, fire, water, and lightning blasts began crashing into his position.

Tsunade didn't need telling twice, she charged in to intercept him.

Behind them both, with the three large summons standing guard, Jiraiya sat in seiza on the forest floor, eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed in intense concentration.

 _And Naruto mastered this in, what, a week? Heh. Always knew the kid was something special._

Jiraiya knew that _he_ wasn't anything special.

Orochimaru? Unqualified genius. Master battle strategist. Learned all five natures faster than Hiruzen had. Literal professional geneticist, he could go by 'Doctor' if he wanted to.

Tsunade? Same story. Best medical ninja the world had ever seen. Had the chakra control to use the Strength of a Hundred Seal (speaks for itself), and then still used all that to be a frontline fighter.

But Jiraiya? The only reason he had so much battle-wisdom was from the sheer level of shit he'd gone through and barely survived. His chakra reserves were robust, but nothing , he could honestly claim to be able to beat Tsunade (using Sage Mode) but even then, it wasn't _him._ He could pull off certain Senjutsu techniques, the Swamp of the Underworld was one he could rely on on the battlefield, but he couldn't enter sage mode without the Toads feeding him the chakra. Even after a lifetime of training. Even when he'd needed to stop Orochimaru leaving the village, that night in the rain all those years ago...he hadn't been able to do it.

But that was then, and this was now.

 _They're here now. Tsunade is bleeding, and she's fighting on. Orochimaru is healthier than I've ever seen him, even if he is currently a giant eight headed snake. It's a goddamn miracle we're all here, and we can stay that way so long as you can pull this off_ right now _._

But it still didn't happen.

He noticed one toe twitching, and angrily stilled it. This was the part he'd never been able to get down. You're supposed to relax, he knew that, but _how?_ His friends were up ahead fighting, the explosions he could hear were enough to prove that, was he supposed to just sit here and be _calm?_

 _Think. Naruto did this. Minato did this. Hashirama did this, and so did countless others. People were in situations where their life and the lives of those they cared about were on the line, and they stayed the fuck still and got themselves that green good stuff. HOW?_

Making peace with the idea of failure? No, Minato might be able to do that but Naruto _never_ would. Believing in themselves? Would that even help? Or was the answer just something so blindingly obvious that it was only the big dumbo toad-man who couldn't get it? His hands clenched into fists.

"Still having trouble, huh Jiraiya?" Chuckled Gamabunta.

Jiraiya sighed, opened his eyes, and looked up. "I just don't get it. What is it that my masters and students were all able to grasp that I wasn't?"

"Minato had Kushina, and that one team of kids." Gamabunta replied, shrugging. "Hashirama had Mito, Naruto obviously has his friends. They all-"

"Think about what they have to protect, I know!" Jiraiya threw his hands up. "But how the hell is that supposed to make me _still_? I know who I have to protect, they're _right there!"_ He pointed.

Up ahead of him, the battle continued in epic proportions. The eight headed serpent was a essentially a walking turret emplacement, constantly firing off attacks of all seven important nature transformations: Fire, water, wind, poison, earth, lightning, and snakes (as in, literally just shooting more snakes out). Nagato was showing all the physical power that the Deva path had when it tussled with the nine tails; engaged in an all out fistfight with Tsunade while using his ridiculous array of powers to fend off Orochimaru's assault.

Neither of Jiraya's teammates could have much chakra left, and neither were going to last long. "There's my motivation!" He shouted, "Fighting! Always fighting!"

"Always?" Gamabunta tilted his head.

" _Always!_ Always on a battlefield, always in _pain_ , always-" he sucked in an unsteady breath, "They're always suffering, and no matter what I try it just never _stops._ "

"Oh, Kiddo..." Gamabunta cracked a smile. "Humans. Hit fifty and they think they know everything. You think when Naruto needs to gather sage mode he thinks of Hinata leaving the village? You think when Minato did it, he thought of Kushina tossing and turning at night with the Kyuubi trying to tear a hole out of her gut?" The giant toad leaned down. "Look. You think of your teammates and you think of Snakes off in some lab doing sick things to puppies and regretting his choices, you think of Slugs off in a gambling den trying to drink away her problems. And that-" He reached forwards with a large, scaly finger, and poked Jiraiya in the chest. "Is quitter's talk."

"It's all I've ever known." Jiraiya muttered, bitterly.

"Oh, fuck off with that! If you've never been happy when you were with them, you wouldn't even care!" Gamabunta's massive eyes stared into Jiraiya's. "Think about what you want to protect. Not just the people you want to keep alive, but _how_ you want to keep them. When you kick this undead prick's ass, and everyone makes it out alive, what do you _want_?"

Jiraiya breathed out, and closed his eyes again. _What do I want?_

A memory came, unbidden. That one time he'd accidentally dropped in on Tsunade bathing (it _had_ been an accident, he'd been there for someone else) and she'd hit him so hard he'd literally almost died. Orochimaru had thought it was the funniest thing in the whole damn world.

Or that other time, much earlier, when they'd caught Orochimaru with that creepy crawlies book he'd found in the trash one time. They'd taken the piss out of him at first, but then a few weeks later, on his birthday, they'd bought him that year's edition of it. He was a kid with no parents, he couldn't afford the things himself until his mission pay started kicking up, but the look on his face when he'd got it...

 _I want to go out for a drink with them._ Jiraiya decided. _Swap stories. Play pool. Cheat at pool. Break the pool table. Get kicked out of the bar and go cause mayhem across Konoha. Just...hang out. Finally stop worrying about all the fighting and the war and the nonsense, and just..._

 _I want them to be happy._

So that was what he thought about.

And his body was still.

And the chakra trickled in.

* * *

Hinata felt nauseous as everything her Byakugan was telling her suddenly changed, and she was in pain as she was buffeted by a giant navy-blue wing, and then she crashed into stone with a thud that knocked the breath from her lungs.

"Lady Hinata!"

"My Lady, what's-"

 _Crash._

She sat up, rubbing her head, and stumbled to her feet. She was in...the angel mountains? _Oh, no..._

"Athena!" She shouted, stumbling to the edge of her planetoid and angrily trying to fix her broken leg. The great Owl had landed (though that might have been the wrong word) on a lower rock, and was clearly hurt. One wing was snapped at an odd angle, and there were black flames spreading across numerous areas of her plumage.

 _She ran the Amaterasu gauntlet, crashed into me, and desummoned us both here._

"Kesshotoketsu!" Hinata layered over the black flames with crystal, extinguishing them, then shouted "Athena! Are you alright?"

"I...will live. As will you. That is all that matters." Athena tried to find her feet, but fell again. Her face was pained, but her beak...Hinata had spent long enough with Kudos to know the approximation of a smile. "I would give an eye, a wing...anything to protect the Hyuuga. No; to protect _you,_ Hinata."

"I'm always getting people hurt. Dammit, _dammit_." Hinata stomped one foot on the planetoid (causing a not insignificant crack) and turned around.

Stood behind her, Kudos and Forsooth were bickering _very_ loudly.

"It is out of the question! Yoou are hurt-"

"I'm fine! You need to let me go!"

"Absoluutely not!" Forsooth looked across at Hinata. "My lady, I am so sorry, I-"

"What's wrong with Kudos?" She snapped. "Last time I was here you wouldn't let me see him, said he was still sick."

"I'm not-"

"He is." Forsooth overrode the younger Owl's objections. "My lady, it's that... _thing_ that was put in him." He gestured.

Hinata frowned, moving closer to Kudos. He initially shied away, but eventually faced her, opening both eyes. The Mangekyo that was his left glinted an eerie red. "The mania is supposed to be over..." She mused, squinting at it. She could see the lesser genjutsu that was linked to it. "What does it do, exactly?"

"It...It makes me want to do things." Kudos whimpered. "And Grandma and Forsooth think it makes me crazy or is controlling me but it _isn't,_ it's just-"

"Kudos." Hinata carefully stroked the top of his head with one hand. "What is it telling you to do?"

"To protect the Hidden Leaf Village." Kudos said softly. "And every time I hear you're in danger it spikes, and every time I learn you're fighting anyone else with a Mangekyo or a Gokei it gets so loud, and-"

"Protect the hidden Leaf Village." Hinata breathed. A grin spread across her face. "Neji, you're a _genius._ "

"My lady." Forsooth hopped up behind her. "Please, I should return yoou to battle, Icarus is still out there and he must be in danger-"

"That won't be necessary." Hinata stood up again. "Kudos is taking me."

"He- _What?_ "

"You know the reverse summoning hand seals right?" Hinata asked the smaller Owl.

"My lady, he isn't-"

"Forsooth, I love you, but for once in your life _shut up_." She gave him a flat stare, before offering a much gentler look to Kudos. "Well? Can you?"

"I can." Kudos nodded. "You...trust me?"

"I trust you with my life." Hinata nodded. "And I trust Neji with his own. Get over here, partner, we've got a job to do."

Kudos flexed his wings, causing a not insignificant gust of wind to skitter pebbles across the stone. "Right! Let's do this, Mistress!"

Below them, Athena's smile widened.

* * *

Sasuke was shitting himself.

 _Oh, look, Hinata's disappeared when everyone needs her again, is this just an automatic response for her now?_

Panting, he took a defensive posture with Samehada, stood in front of Icarus, as Neji and Itachi both walked menacingly towards him.

"Why are you walking menacingly instead of running?" He asked, confused.

"We're trying to buy time for Hinata to come back." Neji explained. Then, "Oh, shit, Kabuto's noticed, perfect-"

The two started sprinting, Sasuke tensed, and then there was a bang, and a small burst of smoke appeared between them all.

It vanished a moment later, buffeted away by blue wings, as Hinata's voice called "Go for the edgy one with the dark hair!"

"That's both of them!" Said the owl (Kudos, right?) she'd just appeared on.

"Right, yeah! Red eye dude, he's got the sealing sword!"

Itachi threw his arms in the air and shouted "YES!" just as the owl went "Got it!" And Sasuke went "What?" and there was a very subtle flash of chakra.

There was a long pause.

And then Itachi said "Oh, thank _fuck_."

"I am currently _very_ glad that I dealt with Danzo without using that." Hinata asked, getting down from Kudos, who suddenly looked very weak in the legs.

"But you just did it yourself, like a badass." Neji said, smiling wider than Sasuke'd ever seen him smile. " Hey 'Tach, does this override the mind control from the Edo Tensei?"

"Considering it's overwriting my long term memories and entire perception of my own existence? And I have no intention of trying to stop it?" Itachi grinned, and began to glow orange. "Let's see. Bro, Hinata, Icarus? Leave this last bit to me. We've wanted to go all out against each other for _ages._ "

The eldest Hyuuga sibling fell back into stance, as the eldest Uchiha turned to face him, and started walking towards him.

"Oh? You're approaching me?" Neji asked.

"I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer." Itachi replied.

"Oho! Then come as close as you like! Sasuke, Hinata, sit down, we're about to make your chunin exams look like playground games."

" _Great Fireball!_ "

" _Heavenly Spin!_ "

"Got any popcorn?" Hinata asked.

"Always." Sasuke grinned, reaching for it.

* * *

Tsunade screamed in pain.

Nagato's fist tightened around her throat for a moment, then he hurled her to the floor, floating slowly down towards her.

"Why, ngh, did you even ride the bird, if you can just _fly_?" Asked Orochimaru, panting. Seven of the eight serpent heads had been obliterated, leaving only the one containing his humanoid form.

Nagato responded by firing another barrage of missiles at him, causing him to hiss in anguish as the white snake burned and blistered red. "Right, got it, well explained, very concise..."

On the ground, Tsunade stood, but stumbled. She noticed dimly that her hair was greyer than it was blonde, and her skin wasn't looking so great. _Shit. Thirty years I spend building up chakra in that jutsu and I've used almost all of it in one fight._

To be fair, she had had to regenerate from mortal wounds upwards of a dozen times.

"None of you ever meant me any harm." Nagato sighed. "Konoha might have been in the wrong during the Third Ninja War, but you were all only ever kind to me. I only wish that that was the lesson I had taken to heart." His Asura arm whirred and shifted, eventually taking the shape that nobody present would recognise as a 12 gauge shotgun.

"I think maybe we should have learned the lesson that 'cremation is good for not getting reanimated against our will'." Tsunade pointed out, staring the weapon down, weighing her options.

"Maybe." Nagato sighed. "I'm sorry."

She lunged. The weapon fired.

And then she gasped in shock, as Orochimaru's body fell back into her, leaking blood.

To one side, the eight headed serpent's body was disintegrating.

"You fucking idiot!" Tsunade hissed, falling backwards with him in her lap and channeling as much of her regenerating power as she could into him. "You slimy, gross, pale, uncomfortably naked, bleeding, _idiot_! Do you have any idea what my fucking track record is for healing people who do tragic shit like this? _It's not good!_ "

"I'm sure I'll be fine." He smirked lazily up at her. "You're the most talented healer in the five shinobi nations. And besides, I'm immortal."

Tsunade looked up to Nagato, who ejected some cartridge from his arm, then pointed it back at them. "I'd say that was exceedingly pointless, if I wouldn't have done the exact same thing for Konan myself. Oh well. I'll try and aim for the head." He smiled. "The last thing we want is more Pain in the world."

"Was...was that a fucking-"

"HEY! NAGATO!" Called out a booming voice. "THEY SAY REDHEADS HAVE NO SOULS! LETS HAVE A SEE IF THAT'S TRUE!"

Nagato paused, sighed, and turned around.

"One liners." Orochimaru grinned.

"Jiraiya." Tsunade began to weakly laugh.

Standing atop Gamabunta, flanked by Manda and Katsuya, stood the Toad Sannin. His posture was straight, his arms were crossed, and though he was quite some distance away, Tsunade could make out some orange highlights around his eyes.

"Don't make me do it." Nagato began muttering to himself, walking dangerously forwards. "Don't make me do it, I'll kill you all if you make me do it..."

"Seismitoad! Water pulse! Gastrodon! Sludge bomb! Serviper! Poison fang!"

At Jiraiya's urging, the summons struck, launching out with elemental blasts and sharp teeth.

"You're gonna make me do it, aren't you? Shinra Tensei!" Nagato shouted, and the deluge of water and poison was hurled away from him, swamping the surrounding landscape and drenching Tsunade and Orochimaru.

Charging in immediately afterwards, with a sealing scroll clenched between his teeth, a very strange coloured Rasengan in his hand, and a smile on his face, was the Great Sage Jiraiya.

He batted aside one missile with a field of Frog Kata, shattered the Asura arm with a kick, blocked two punches and an attempt to yank out his soul, punched Nagato's face and swept his legs from underneath him. Jiraiya jumped up as Nagato fell, preparing to bring his attack down. "This is for my arm, punk! _Rasengan_!"

Nagato hit the floor. Sighed. And quietly said "Chibaku Tensei."

Jiraiya's expression changed very quickly, as he, Tsunade, and Orochimaru all began to fall _up._

* * *

 **Edit : I forgot that I had _already_ told Hinata what the Kotoamatsukami was supposed to be for, on Itachi's deathbed. Corrected some dialogue to reflect that. I've got almost 300 thousand words here, it's hard to keep track of them sometimes.**

 **And yeah, Chibaku Tensei is still a thing Pain can do, because he has the most busted grab-bag of powers in existence. I hope I've made a decent case for how broken that dojutsu is.**

 **Imagine being canon Sasuke, getting the Rinnegan, and literally only using it for Chibaku Tensei and a hands-free substitution jutsu. _YOU CAN GROW A ROBOT ARM._**

 **And hey, lets see if any of the reviewers can figure out a way for the Sannin to survive this!**


	80. A Whole Bunch of Hard Names

**"I Just Learned a Whole Bunch of Hard Names All At Once!" Or "The Best Line in the Entire Damn Manga."**

* * *

The fight between Neji and Itachi was, objectively, _really cool_.

Like maybe if you were a pacifist who despised violence in all its forms you wouldn't think it was cool, but as far as Sasuke was concerned it was _really really freaking cool_ , and he was fairly confident that nobody he knew would contradict him there.

Initially, the two seemed fairly evenly matched. But whether there was an overall skill disparity, one's powers better countered the other's, or it was just a matter of _one_ trying his hardest to win and the other trying his hardest to _lose_...it only lasted a few more seconds.

"If you put your sword in me you're gay!" Shouted Neji, right before Itachi speared him with the Totsuka blade.

"Aw, _dammit_!" Itachi groaned, as his teammate sort of got sucked into the sword itself. It looked to Sasuke like a particularly horrifying vaccuum cleaner (brand new civilian technology), as Neji was sort of spaghettified and pulled through into a gourd at the Susanno's hip.

 _Wow. That almost happened to me like five times._

"Sorry, bud." Itachi sighed, as the Susanno vanished around him. "I'll let you out when we finally put a stop to this...alright, team meeting, form up! All humans, gimme your hands."

Hesitantly, Sasuke and Hinata did, (Kudos just sort of sat down close to them, while Icarus remained on guard some distance away) and Sasuke's eyes widened as he felt chakra flood into his system through the hand.

"Are you..?" He asked.

"I have infinite chakra. I can give some to you." Itachi grinned. "This technique is _so_ broken...and charging you two is the only reason I'm still here. Listen, this Kotoamatsukami is _really_ insistent, and I'm lucky we designed it to even let me notice it's there. I need to protect the Hidden Leaf village. Right now, that's helping you two, but as soon as you're okay I have to go."

"To stop Kabuto." Hinata realised. Her other hand was roving across her and Sasuke's bodies, using some basic healing jutsu and the free chakra to repair their wounds. The touching would have been weird, if Sasuke wasn't a) uninterested and b) fully aware she only had eyes for Naruto.

"Yup." Itachi nodded. "Me and Neji came straight from his location, prick's hiding out in a cave. And probably shitting himself, because he can still see through my eyes if he wants and knows that I'm coming for him. Sasuke," He turned to him, "I have a plan, but I'll need one of you with me."

"No problem." Sasuke nodded. "What's the plan? Or, wait, if he's listening you probably shouldn't say-"

"Oh no, let's let him sweat a bit." Itachi grinned. "You know those very special two eye powers I told you I have?"

Sasuke blinked, then grinned as well as he realised what Itachi was talking about. "Aw, hell yeah. I've always wanted to see you use those." He turned to look at Hinata, "Don't worry. We got this."

"Alright then. I'll..." She narrowed her eyes. "Naruto's in trouble."

"Oh, there she goes." Sasuke chuckled, as she let go of Itachi's hand, started running...and stopped.

"The Sannin are in trouble too." She bit her lip. "Oh, motherfucker..."

Sasuke leaned over to his brother and whispered "Behold; the wild Hinata's common sense warring with her most basic driving instinct-"

" _Really_ , Sasuke? Right now?" She snapped.

"Right, sorry, continue."

"Tobi seems to be holding back for now, Naruto still looks exhausted enough..." she mumbled to herself, clearly focusing on her Byakugan. "There are people on the way to help him, though, and the Sannin are about to...ngh." She shook her head, then turned back to them. "I'm going to save our teachers! When they're out we'll loop back to save Naruto. Whatever you're doing, do it fast."

Icarus swept a wing down, and she climbed up onto him. Kudos was recovered enough to take to the air himself, and the trio flew back towards the other giant monsters visible on the horizon.

"...I am genuinely amazed she was able to make that decision." Sasuke remarked.

"I heard that!" Her voice echoed backwards.

 _And also super proud of her._ He shot in a genjutsu to Itachi, who snorted, and started running off in the opposite direction.

* * *

Gravity.

Technically, it's a fundamental force that acts as a function of your mass and the mass of every other object in the universe, inversely proportional to the distance between you and those objects.

On the surface of a large, spherical planet, it can be modelled as a constant acceleration perpendicular to the planet's surface. In the ninja world, that was about 9.8 metres per second squared.

Tl;DR: Gravity go down.

It always amused Nagato when people he fought discovered that gravity was now _not_ doing that.

But it was difficult to be amused now; white hot pain lanced through his body, stymying any attempts to stand and causing him to scream aloud even when literal obliteration earlier had been largely tolerable. Above and around him, everything began to slowly pull towards the point he'd targeted. Rocks, trees, and dirt were all uprooted, and most importantly: The three Sannin and their sage creatures.

Shouting and screaming to each other, they all found themselves pulled together and upwards to where a planetoid was slowly forming in the sky. Oh, they tried to escape; desperate substitutions with other bits of debris, attacks aimed up to push them back down, even attempts to attack the sphere itself; all futile. The small moon could hold the nine-tails if it had to. Nagato watched as, grabbing onto their individual animals, the three Sannin were buried amongst the rock. There were three small pops, and a last echoing crunch, and then nothing.

Nagato went back to screaming.

There were a few abilities the Rinnegan made available that were simply _not meant_ for regular use; Chibaku Tensei at such a scale was one of them, along with the Chaotic Shinra Tensei, and the summoning of the Gedo Mazo as an active combatant. Even with his prodigious strength in life, one such jutsu would leave him exhausted, and attempting another within a day would have disastrous implications for his health. Here, as an undead, with the magnitude of his power limited to the extent it was? The effects were worse. Much worse.

He spasmed on the ground, and his grip on the technique fell away. He didn't do so consciously, Kabuto's control _demanded_ he attempt to maintain it, but he was physically incapable of keeping up the steady chakra flow required, and the planetoid crashed down into the wasteland some distance away. He was too busy howling to care, his false body constantly disintegrating and regenerating as the sheer strain of what he had done hit him in waves. He tried to prop himself up, but the arm crumbled to dust as he put weight on it. Tried to summon the Asura arm, but found any attempt to access his abilities only resulted in more pain.

 _This is what you get when you attempt to harness the powers of a God with a cheap undead imitation_. He thought, bitterly, directing the words at Kabuto as though the puppeteer could hear him. _We aren't all Madara Uchiha. It'll take full minutes for me to recover from this. Hopefully in that time..._

His hopes were rewarded. There was a screech, and the sound of wingbeats, and then of feet crunching on the upturned earth behind him.

"Well damn." Said a girl's voice. "Guess I should have gone to Naruto after all."

"Hinata Hyuuga." Nagato smiled. Kabuto was forcing him to try and get up, and he was trying; his body simply failed to respond. "I apologise profusely for that time I murdered you. Seal me, quickly. You don't have long."

"On it." She walked closer, until eventually she entered his field of view, and began unspooling a sealing scroll. "Look at you. Naruto said it was like this when he beat you the first time. All that ridiculous power, and then at the end...you're just a hurt kid."

"Aren't we all." He chuckled, briefly. "I'm...sorry."

"For what? Yes you killed me, but I got better."

"Your Senseis." He looked over to the Chibaku Tensei, sunk about two storeys into the muck beneath them. "It can be used to seal and transport, but after I lost focus...they're dead. I'm sorry."

Hinata frowned. Looked at the orb. Looked back at him. Smiled. "Pfft. Nah."

* * *

Jiraiya and Gamabunta crashed into the floor in the biggest room in Mount Myoboku, having reverse-summoned there.

"Woo!" The former shouted, waving his arms limply in the air. "We're not dead!"

"Jiraiya?" Shouted Fukasaku, the small toad jumping over to him. "We thought you'd died!"

"I know! That's what I just said!"

"Where's your arm?"

"Uh, bottom of a lake somewhere. Long story." Jiraiya winced and got up. "Kami, can't believe that worked...also, look at these eyes!" He struck a pose, showing off the orange eyeliner that just sort of came as part of the package when you entered snake sage mode.

"A perfect sage!" Fukasaku's eyes widened. He then immediately jumped forwards and tried as hard as he could to hug Jiraiya with his tiny little arms. "Oh, well done kiddo! I knew you could do it!"

"I know, right? And it only took me about a thousand times as long as it took Naruto!"

"Yeah, well, that kid's going places."

Jiraiya laughed, good-naturedly, hugging the elder back as well as he could. "Don't I know it...alright, I gotta get back. We agreed on reappearing in five seconds."

Only about half that had passed so far.

"Alright, alright." Fukasaku hopped back. "Get back out there and kick some ass."

"On it. Gamabunta, you ready to go?"

The giant toad grinned. "What, you expecting me to be tired? Who do you think I am?"

* * *

Tsunade crashed in Shikkotsu Forest next to Katsuyu, and groaned, flopping down in the grass.

"Okay, I am in pain and I look old, and you guys have five seconds to fix those things." She complained, as a bunch of smaller slugs approached her with panicked shouts. "I am going to spend that time taking a nap. Wake me up when it's time to go back."

* * *

Orochimaru landed delicately in Ryuchi cave, as Manda crashed into the stone beside him.

The giant snake immediately rounded on him, hissing "What in the name of-how are you _here_? I didn't consent to reverse-summoning you here!"

"As if you could stop me if you wanted to." Orochimaru smiled, though the expression soured when he looked down at himself. "Oh, perfect."

Sat on a palanquin on the other side of the cave, the White Sage Snake lazily smiled across at him. "Aw, look at you. You're not even a person anymore."

"Nope." Orochimaru walked over to one wall, ripping down one of the fabric curtains ("Hey!" Manda indignantly shouted,) and fashioning himself some basic clothing. "This isn't a real body, it's a chakra construct. I may as well be piloting a shadow clone. It's decaying by the minute and sapping my chakra by the second, and I have little enough of that left."

"I presume you have a plan?" The Sage Snake asked.

"Oh, of course." Orochimaru replied, turning back. "What kind of immortal would I be if I didn't have backups for my backups for my backups? Come on, Manda, let's get out of your boss' hair. Or, scales."

"And you're not even paying me in human souls?" Manda deadpanned.

"No, I'm a good guy now, no more human sacrifices."

"Fine." The giant snake glowered, moving back over to him. "But I'm only doing this because your snake form is cute..."

* * *

There were three pops, and the three Sannin and their summons reappeared in the real world.

"Aw, the fight's already over?" Gamabunta observed, taking the situation in. "Come on!"

Nagato (covered in sealing paper) gaped across at them. "What the-how the hell did you-"

"We're the legendary Sannin." The trio answered in unison. "Fuck you, we can do whatever we want."

Nagato couldn't help but burst out laughing, which was the last thing he did before Hinata finished the sealing technique on him. It was a good way, he decided, to end his un-life.

* * *

Naruto Uzumaki was in a wee spot of bother at the moment.

"Bluefire hairball!"

"Lava bullet!"

"Coral eruption!"

"Bubblebeam!"

" _CAN YOU MAYBE NOT FOR ONE SECOND!_ " Naruto shouted.

"Okay." Said Tobi. All of the reanimated Jinchurikki stopped moving, during which time Naruto fought his way out of a chakra suppressing web, a coral cage, and a plethora of other elemental bullshit.

And then the second was over, and they all started moving again.

Naruto would have taken Nagato's six paths over Tobi's any day of the week; at least with the ginger sextet he could expect them to do only one thing each. Tobi's summons were _whole-ass ninja_ , with combination nature transformations and regular nature transformations and competence in taijutsu and more god-damned gimmicks to unravel!

Most importantly, one of them had a goddamn corrosive steam jutsu that had covered the entire nearby area. With his senses and regeneration, he barely even noticed it's effects, but his shadow clones would pop the moment they were spawned, effectively stopping him using them.

 _Kyuubi! Advice?_

 ** _Try harder._**

 _This is as hard as I can try!_

 ** _Pussy._**

 _Oh, fuck you!_

"Buffeting wind!" The mist briefly cleared, "Shadow clone jutsu! Buffeting wind!" It cleared further, he was being charged, "Rasengan!" he repelled one but more came in "Multi shadow shuriken! Shadow clone jutsu!" As his doppelgängers popped and then the mist was being conjured again "Massive buffeting wind! Wind, _haah_ , Wind dragon jutsu!" Kami this was tiring, the chakra cost wasn't much to him normally but he was down to less than a quarter of his usual reserves and wasn't used to throwing out these many techniques this fast.

The dragon caught up three of the jinchurikki and threw them backwards, but one of them pulled up some weird mirror and-oh, wonderful, it was coming back.

"Giant Wrecking Rasengan!" He wrapped his golden chains around the big blue ball and swung it, slamming it into the reflected wind construct and tearing it apart into a mildly annoying breeze. Running forwards, he flung the attack at the mirror, which couldn't reflect when it encountered the chakra-suppression effect and was promptly completely obliterated. It's caster would have gone the same way, but a quick fireball (fancy blue colour) from the two-tails host (Yugito?) slowed down the Rasengan enough for mirror-man to get away. However, this left _her_ in a compromising position, and with his clones distracting the others, Naruto was able to charge in with a Rasengan in his palm and-

 _ **Don't destroy her!** _The Kyuubi shouted in his mind.

 _Oh,_ now _you're giving advice?_

Naruto tilted in midair, not melting in the woman's face but instead carving a chunk out of her chest and lopping off one arm. He landed on a tree branch, then quickly jumped off again as a sea of coral grew up beneath him trying to entrap him.

 _What the hell was that? I had her!_

 ** _I know, but we have an opportunity here_.** The Fox's voice sounded more than a little...antsy. **_Just then, you would have only killed some woman's corpse. But,_** ** _you see those rods?_**

Naruto looked (amidst desperate attempts to not die) at Yugito, and could see black rods poking out of her in various places. _Chakra receivers? Same as what Nagato used, right?_

 ** _Right. He's channelling the bijuu chakra into them so he doesn't have to use his own. But channeling isn't enough_**. Naruto could practically feel his Bijuu's feral grin. **_My brothers are alive, not just animated puppets. If the jinchurikki transform fully, and we can get the receivers out-_**

 _You want me to beat my enemies while they're stronger? I'm dying as it is!_

 ** _Pussy._**

 _Ugh. Fine. How the fuck do I make them transform?_

 _ **Push them harder.**_

 _I can't-_

 ** _Pussy._**

 _FINE._

Naruto dropped to the floor.

Cracked his neck both ways.

"Ultimate Rasenshuriken Barrage."

It was a very expensive technique, but an effective one, and now that he was free of the acidic steam, he could finally use it. The wave of blue tore through the woods towards the jinchurikki, Tobi said "Okay, here we go.", and the roaring of the clones was drowned out by the emerging bellows of six gigantic beasts.

* * *

Hinata finished sealing Nagato in a mummy-looking thing, then sealed _that_ in a storage scroll, then stuffed _that_ into one of her pockets.

"So, you desummoned yourselves to escape the Chibaku Tensei?" She checked.

"Orochimaru's idea." Jiraiya redirected.

"Actually, Karin thought of it first." Orochimaru admitted. His voice was...shaky. Hiss-like. "Her thought was to summon the snake in, genjutsu it, and force it to take me away. Obviously impractical in the heat of the moment, but effective if you've already brought the summon out and are on good enough terms with it. There aren't many...power moves...that can hit you when you warp halfway across the planet."

"You were gonna say 'chakra dickflops'." Jiraiya accused.

"No, because I'm not an _idiot_." Orochimaru shot back.

Tsunade laughed.

"Well, glad we're all happy and back together now." Hinata clapped her hands. "But you should all either recuperate or come with me to the warfront. Naruto is dying out there. And...Yep, the two-through-seven tails are loose."

"The nine-tails can beat those easily, he'll be fine." Orochimaru dismissed.

"He only has _half_ the nine-tails!"

"He'll be _fine_. Oh, and speaking of dying." The Snake Sannin pointed a finger at himself and made a click with his mouth.

"You've been dying before. Get over it." Hinata dismissed, already turning away.

"I'm not going to be able to this time. Not without your help."

She stopped. Clenched her fists. He was telling the fucking truth, and what's worse, he was doing it while sounding _scared._

"Explain."

"Come with me to Konoha-" He began.

" _Away_ from the war?"

"There's something I need you, specifically you, to do. Help me and I'll be back at full power, and we'll have a whole host of new allies to help. Allies we will need." Orochimaru was looking at her intently, but very calmly.

She grit her teeth. "I can't abandon him. Not again. I've done it too many times."

Orochimaru sighed. "Switch?" He offered, looking back.

"Hinata." Jiraiya switched in. " _You_ know you're not abandoning him. He'll know that too. Trust him."

"He might _die_!"

"Trust him with that too." Jiraiya cracked a smile. "He's Naruto. I mean, come on!"

Hinata's shoulders rose and fell. She looked back at Orochimaru.

"In and out." He promised. "Ten minute adventure."

"And we'll go fight while you're away." Tsunade added, rolling her shoulders. "I've still got some power left."

"Hold on, how?" Jiraiya asked.

"Slugs converted senjutsu chakra into normal chakra and put it in my seal."

"They can do that?"

"Yeah."

"I've known you for decades how the hell did I not know you could do that?"

" _Fine_." Hinata held up a hand. "Let's just go before we waste any more time." She glared at Orochimaru. "Time these 'allies' had better be worth. You know if they're not at least Kage level then they don't matter, right?"

"Oh, trust me my dear." Orochimaru smiled. "They're Kage level."

* * *

Naruto Uzumaki's 'wee spot of bother' had put in a lot of work at bother school and graduated into 'actually a rather large spot of bother'. The only 'wee' was that which was evaporating off his trouser leg as a result of his panic.

 _This is the last time I let Foxy goad me into things._

Six of the nine Bijuu stared him down. About a hundred metres away, they were all as big (if not bigger) than Shukaku had been when Naruto has first fought him, and this time he knew Gamabunta was miles away.

There were a few holes in their avatars from the Rasenshuriken barrage, but those were quickly repairing.

Behind them, Tobi was playing UNO with a shadow clone of himself.

Naruto knew he wouldn't be able to cow these with pain the same way he'd cowed the Kyuubi. For one thing, without senjutsu he couldn't even throw the Rasenshuriken, meaning a) the clones would have to pop or b) he'd have to risk serious injury to damage them from close quarters. For another, he could still see the Rinnegan rods, poking out of them at odd angles. _So long as those are in them, they're under Tobi's control. Hey, orange-and-toothy? We're where you wanted us to be. Any advice?_

In front of Naruto, the six giants began to charge.

 ** _Yeah. I got a plan._** The Fox told him _. **Make some shadow clones.**_

 _That's the plan?_

 ** _Trust me._**

"Ngh." Naruto made them. As one, they all flashed gold with Kyuubi cloaks as the Fox shared chakra with them.

 ** _Alright. Have them attack._**

 _Are you serious?_

 ** _All they need to do is make contact with the avatars' chakra before dying. I'll handle the rest._**

"Well, if you say so. Sicc 'em, boys!"

The clones, bless them, never let anything like fear or hopelessness stop them from giving their all. Crying out in challenge, they all summoned giant Rasengan and charged right at the oncoming colossi, who in turn looked about ready to trample their opposition with sheer momentum.

"Dos." Said Tobi, pulling a card. His clone opponent grumbled and drew twenty.

Then Naruto braced as his clones crashed into the rampaging bijuu and-

* * *

Everything went yellow.

"Um." Naruto said, unflinching himself and looking around. "Oh, for the love of...Is this place seriously still a sewer?"

" **You're the one who has to change that, remember.** " The Fox told him, from behind the cage pillars in his mindscape.

"I feel like maybe _you_ should. I mean, you spend way more time in my brain than I do."

" **Oh, don't I know it...** " The Kyuubi chuckled, then nodded its head outwards. " **Kit? Meet the family**."

Naruto turned, and started.

The six bijuu were all there, sat in the emptiness.

" **So this is your jinchurikki?** " Asked one, a big red ape-looking dude. " **He doesn't look very impressive.** "

" **I dunno, bro**." Pointed out another, a big bug-thing with wings. " **He's the one who beat up mister Rinnegan, right?** "

" **He's sure not beating up the _current_ mister Rinnegan**." Pointed out a blue-black cat, tossing its head back.

"Oi, I'll kick Tobi's ass the moment you're all out of the way!" Naruto countered, before turning back to his personal symbiote. "Hey Foxy, what did you do?"

" **Connected my chakra with theirs.** " The Kyuubi responded, a little smugly. " **We've got the second it takes for them to maul your real world body to interact with them in here.** "

"You want me to beat them up in my own head?" Naruto frowned. "If they die in the brain do they die in real life?"

" **We aren't fighting them, kit.** " The Fox sighed. " **I need to talk to them. There's something I want confirmation on.** " He looked up at his siblings. " **Hey assholes. I think this kid's the one. Thoughts?** "

"The one?" Naruto asked, as the six bijuu began muttering amongst themselves. "Like, the chosen one? Am I supposed to bring balance to the force? Escape the matrix?"

" **Not 'chosen'. More that you fit a criteria.** " The Kyuubi explained. " **Look...when Hagoromo first made us, he warned us that humanity was probably going to be frightened of us. That you were inventive little bastards, and if you got access to so much as a stick, half a particle of chakra and some rope, you'd probably find a way to seal our asses in your bellies and use us as murder-batteries or war weapons.** "

Naruto frowned. "He said that?"

" **I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, he also told us that some day, we were going to be brought together and meet a certain someone. Someone who upheld all the virtues he thought a user of Ninshu (that's the thing that would become Ninjutsu) should. Someone who would, and this is a direct quote, 'show us the true meaning of strength'.** "

"You think that's _me_?" Naruto gaped, more than a little flattered.

" **I've spent over five years trying to convince myself it _isn't_ you**." The Kyuubi huffed. " **I mean, _look_ at you.**"

"Hey!"

" **But...** " He looked up at the other Bijuu. " **This kid has the talk-no-jutsu.** "

The muttering _intensified_.

"Oh, come on..." Naruto groaned.

" **Shukaku likes him. Gyuki likes him. I-** " The Kyuubi choked on his words, coughed, tried again. " **I like him too. We're tight. He's promised to let me out, even after everything I've done to him. I think he's the guy.** "

" **Talk no jutsu _is_ a big deal.**" Acknowledged a seal-horse-thing.

" **He passes the vibe check.** " Decided the ape.

" **I agree with what everyone else thinks.** " Said the turtle.

" **Pussy**." Said the cat.

" **You're _literally_ a pussy!**" Said the turtle back again.

" **Then it looks like we're in agreement.** " Said the bug. It nodded to the Kyuubi. "It's **time."**

" **Yeah, that's what I was worried about.** " The nine-tails sighed, and lowered his head until he was looking Naruto eye-to-eye. " **Kit. It's high time you became a Perfect Jinchūriki. Which means it's high time you learned my name.** "

Naruto's eyes widened. "For real?"

" **For real.** " The Fox glanced up. " **You guys go first, it's more dramatic that way.** "

" **My name is Matatabi.** " Said the cat.

" **Isobu**." Said the turtle.

" **Son Goku.** " Said the ape. " **Yes, like the anime character.** "

" **Kokuō**." Said the seal-horse.

" **Saiken**." Said the bubbly slug.

" **Chōmei**." Said the bug. " **A pleasure**."

" **And you've met Shukaku and Gyuuki.** " Said the Nine-tails. It took in a deep breath. " **I've not done this in centuries...alright, fuck it.**

 **It's good to finally meet you, kit. My name is Kurama.** "

"Kurama, huh?" Naruto grinned. "I dig it. At least I don't have to keep calling you 'the Fox' anymore. My name's Naruto Uzumaki, slash-Namikaze. It's good to meet you too."

" **Awwwwww...** " said literally all six other bijuu in the mindscape.

" **Yeah, alright, alright...** " Kurama looked like he would be blushing if he could. " **Now then! Let's wrap this up fast! With you guys, me, and that little scrap of Gyuki's chakra we grabbed while he was being sucked away, we can-** " He paused. " **Oh, fuck.** " Paused again. " **Oh, double fuck.** "

"What's wrong _now?_ " Naruto asked.

" **I was gonna give you the most busted power in the entire world, but I can't.** " Kurama sighed. " **You'd've been able to turn this Tobi guy into a joke, but we're missing Shukaku, and since I still only have the yang half of my chakra, we're missing me too. Hey Minato, why'd you have to split me in half in the _worst way_ , huh? All I need is a little bit of my power, but I need a little bit of _all_ of it, for the love of Kami...**"

Minato, predictably, didn't respond.

" **Alright, plan B.** " Kurama waved his hand at his siblings. " **Great to catch up, guys. We'll kill this guy, stick the Rinnegan in that one Uchiha kid or something and let you out real quick.** "

" **Yeah, thanks!** "

" **Good talk, Kurama!** "

" **Catch you later!** "

" **And as for you...** " the Kyuubi looked back down at Naruto and grinned. " **Let's do this Jinchūriki thing properly.** "

He held out a fist.

Naruto reached out, and bumped it.

And then there was a flash, as the cage around the nine-tailed fox blew away.

* * *

"Go fish." Tobi was saying to his clone, when there was a ripple of power that seemed to intensify gravity and make the hairs on his skin prick up.

He paused, and turned.

Behind the reanimated Jinchūriki, a giant golden glow suffused the entire battlefield.

"ALRIGHT, WIMPS! HOW ABOUT YOU PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!" Shouted Naruto, in KCM2, as the giant Kyuubi avatar around him roared in challenge.

* * *

 **My regret at deciding that Bijuu voices needed to be in bold is matched only by my relief at finally being able to say Kurama's name. Two Fucking Years of having to awkwardly dance around 'The Kyuubi' 'The Nine-Tails' and 'The Fox'. Manga authors don't have to deal with this crap.**

 **The end of the penultimate arc draws nearer, as does my encroaching panic. I reckon I'll probably be done writing this by the end of Easter, which is...terrifying, to be honest. Less than twenty chapters doesn't feel like a lot when you're eighty deep.**

 **As for next chapter, it's time for two very specific scenes I'm gonna have a _lot_ of fun with. Ciao!**


	81. The Last Secret

**The Last Secret (also big explosion lol)**

* * *

Seriously, Tobirama? Seriously? This is what you and Mito have spent the last three months working on? Kami...

Ahem. I have made the unfortunate mistake of allowing my brother to spend time with my wife. An ordinary man might be worried she was cheating on me, but I had no such fears. One, because I know for a fact that I am better 'equipped' than Tobirama is, and two, because I need to be more worried about them learning to _mantle death itself_.

The Shinigami, Death God, or Reaper Release Mask is a mask that, when worn, allows the wielder to do exactly what I just said. Mantle the God of Death. What that _means_ exactly is something I would love to tell you, except frankly I have no idea what it means and I don't think the people who made this thing do either.

The primary purpose appears to be that wearing it establishes a very direct and very visceral connection with the Reaper itself. This allows you to speak to it, but more importantly, anything that happens to _you_ will, in some way, happen to _it_. I have no idea what beheading the Reaper would do, but it's possible that if you cut off your own arms, you could, oh I don't know, temporarily stop anyone from dying? Maybe? I reiterate, that clan full of maniacs either doesn't realise the implications of what they've built here, or they just don't care.

Fuckin' Uzumaki...

The only practical applications of this that they have realised so far are twofold.

One, someone wearing this mask can perform the Reaper Death Seal without needing to know the hand signs. Yay?

Two, by slicing open one's own stomach, one will in turn force the Reaper to slice open his own stomach, and in doing so will release all of the souls currently stored there. Now those souls will obviously go to the pure lands, so presumably the only reason you're doing this is because you don't feel great about someone getting eternal torment. That's a highly noble thing to do, except that slitting your own stomach open is basically guaranteed to kill you unless you're, well, me. But I'm sure as _hell_ not trying it out. What, you think I want to talk to the God of Death? I'm just fine putting that conversation off as long as possible.

No, that mask is going in the Uzumaki vaults (apparently they have 26 other masks in there, Kami knows what _those_ do) and all information on using it is going in the darkest hole I can find.

Besides, it's not like anyone _important_ is ever going to end up in the Reaper's stomach, right?

 _-Official statement from the Hokage Senju Hashirama, on storing this information in the 'Don't fuck with these' scroll._

* * *

Sasuke had expected a plan.

I mean, this was Itachi 'plots within plots and neither of those are the real plots' Uchiha. This was the guy that had schemed on the level of Kage when he was 12, that had thread the needle to somehow keep him and Hinata alive in the face of mind-controlling psychopaths and god-like terrorists. Itachi always prepared a strategy, and sometimes he needed to hide that strategy until the last minute, and that was fine. Sasuke trusted him.

So, entering Kabuto's lair, Sasuke had expected there to be a plan.

He had not expected that plan to be "GROUP UP, AND HIT HIM 'TILL HE DIES!"

" _WHAT?_ " Shouted Sasuke, as everything immediately went to hell, and Itachi was in his Susanno swinging like his life depended on it and Kabuto was being cut off in his attempts to do an evil speech and the cave was rumbling around them and Amaterasu was everywhere and Kabuto was apparently blind but that didn't stop him from attacking with the snake that was apparently also an umbilical cord what the _fuck_ -

 _SASUKE! TIE HIM DOWN!_ Itachi genjutsu'd across, and Sasuke absolutely tried, pulling out the magatama beads from his Susanno and hurling them forwards like he'd seen Naruto do with his chains a few times.

He was able to wrap around Kabuto's midriff, briefly, but the snake-man ( _literally. Dude, put the robe back on, blegh_ ) seemed to sag, as his form melted into liquid and seeped free of the beads. Sasuke was about to do the logical thing and set the liquid on fire, but a wall of stone ( _no hand seals?_ ) appeared to block his line of sight. He smashed through it with the beads, charging forwards, just in time for Kabuto to reform in a very compromising position. Itachi, Yata mirror up, was right in his face.

This was what Sasuke expected to be the culmination of Itachi's plan. He eagerly awaited seeing what _those_ techniques would do.

He wasn't expecting Itachi to just run Kabuto through with the Totsuka blade.

His Sharingan showed him in great detail as Kabuto, grimacing, made a single hand seal and shouted "Release!" a split second before the sword touched his stomach.

It passed through...and nothing happened.

"HAH!" Itachi shouted.

"Oh, FUCK YOU!" Kabuto shot back. "YOU SON OF A _BITCH_!"

"HA! I FUCKING GOT YOU!"

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

"NAA NAA NE NAA NAA-"

" _WHAT just HAPPENED?_ " Sasuke shouted, as Kabuto threw his arms in the air and stormed off in a hissy fit.

Itachi's Susanno fell away, and he began to glow a very bright, very worrying white. He grinned, eyes more alive than they ever had been before. "I won."

* * *

In Hinata's pocket, a certain sealing scroll began to glow. She looked down at it, then looked back up, as her Byakugan showed her similar things happening all across the battlefield. "Huh. Nice job." She smiled.

* * *

"Wow, that was a really meaningful and heartfelt conversation." Said Fugaku, as Shisui started to disappear.

"It was." Shisui nodded. "I especially liked the part where we both came to understanding and I forgave you for what you did, and you found closure about what happened."

"Yes, those were god bits." Fugaku nodded. "And the Susanno and Genjutsu fights were pretty cool."

"Oh, yeah. Shame it all happened offscreen."

"Eh. It can go in filler or something. Alright, peace."

* * *

Madara flashed white, and his Susanno disintegrated around him just as one fist was about to squish Onoki into the floor.

The Kage were in a particularly bad shape. Konan was burned in several places, A was clearly exhausted, and Haku's right arm was hanging limply by his side. The Naruto clone had popped long ago.

Madara began to float upwards, looking nothing more than mildly annoyed at the predicament.

"Is...is it over?" Haku gasped out. "Someone undid the reanimation. That means we win, right?"

Madara started laughing.

Everyone sagged. That was confirmation enough.

"Funny thing about the reanimation jutsu." Said the Uchiha. "If the summonee knows the hand seals to the jutsu (Edo Tensei-)" He made some seals with his hands, and suddenly the glowing stopped.

"-Then, if they're conscious when it's released, they can exploit this neat little trick by rewriting the contract with themselves. So now the only person keeping me here is me." He landed, looking, if anything, even _more_ intimidating than he had when the battle started.

"I don't suppose you'd consider just...going back to the pure lands anyway?" Gaara offered. "They're pretty chill, actually. You and I would both know, one reanimee to another."

"That's an excellent offer." Madara acknowledged. "Here's a better one. Would you like to see what my perfect Susanno looks like?"

"...please don't fuck me too hard." Haku squeaked.

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Sasuke shouted, running up to his brother, who had started glowing white and floating in the air. "What about the genjutsu? You said you could use-"

"Sasuke." Itachi told him, slowly, smiling. "Put yourself in my shoes. You're a teenager, and your pre-teen brother goes 'Hey Itachi, what happens if you get in a fight you can't win? I had a nightmare about you dying!'. Or, 'Hey Itachi, what do you do if you get in a fight with someone who's a good person, but they're on the bad guy side? I don't want you to kill anyone who's nice!' What do you say to console him?"

Sasuke blinked, remembering. "You tell him you have a special genjutsu that affects reality and can bring you back from the dead. And you tell him you have a special genjutsu that traps someone in a loop of their mistakes until they realise that they're in the wrong..."

His eyes widened. "Oh, you son of a bitch. YOU _MADE UP_ IZANAMI AND IZANAGI?"

"Yup!" Itachi grinned. "Not even remotely real. I mean, can you imagine what would happen if that was something Uchiha could just _do_? It'd be insane!"

"You _asshole_!" Sasuke screamed, trying to punch him. It went through his chest. "I believed you for _YEARS_!"

"It was hillarious, yeah." Itachi giggled like a schoolgirl. "And, with that, we are completely clean with regards to me keeping secrets from you. Oh, wait, no: It was actually me that set fire to that one family photo, then blamed it on your cousin. That's it, I think."

"So hold on, what _was_ your plan going into this fight?" Sasuke demanded, feeling (not for the first time around Itachi) like his entire worldview had been torn apart.

"Murder the shit out of Kabuto." Itachi admitted.

"That was _it_?"

"Not at all, no, just step one. Step two was reliant on Kabuto being a TOTAL PUSSY!" Itachi shouted over.

"FUCK YOU!" Kabuto shouted, still sulking.

"I knew he wasn't here for any dramatic plan, didn't have any allies he cared about, goals he wanted to achieve. Means he wasn't going to give his life for the war." Itachi reasoned. "I looked up Edo Tensei after old man Hiruzen fell. I was banking that, with all the improvements Kabuto had made to the technique, he wouldn't have made it less complicated to individually desummon the zombies. Not something you really expect to _need_ , huh? You can undo it in one hand seal, but you have to undo it for _everyone_." He had a very smug look on his face. "I just singlehandedly defeated every Edo-nin still on the battlefield. If I'm lucky, that includes Madara, the whole Akatsuki, and a bunch of Kage. Itachi is best ninja."

"Shut up." Sasuke snorted, trying and failing not to laugh.

"Itachi's stronger than all the Kage put together."

"Shut it!"

"If you go back to the house, there's a little chart that lists 'times Itachi has won versus times everyone else has won'. I'm already in the lead but you need to go put another few dozen ticks there."

"I can't _stand_ you-"

"Itachi solo's the Naruto-Verse."

"Why is it _Naruto's_ universe?"

"He's _obviously_ the main character. He has the talk no jutsu. Actually, good point: Itachi solo's the Itachi-verse. This whole sequence of events is going to be called Itachi: Shippuden."

"Okay, so, what's the plan now?" Sasuke asked, trying to get back on track.

"Oh. Now you have to kill Kabuto yourself."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Itachi nodded. "Just kick his ass, go back and help your team kick Tobi's ass, GG. Since I am a benevolent hero, I will allow you to have some final battles without my help."

"You asshole." Sasuke shook his head, wiping a tear away.

"Ah, bap bap bap bap. Don't say anything else." Itachi held up a finger, as the lower half of his body disintegrated. "I want that to be the last thing I make a person say." He smiled. "Take care, Sasuke. And, uh, try not to massacre any clans or kidnap any children, okay?"

Sasuke kept silent, as instructed, and just nodded.

"Awesome. Do good, Sasuke. I'd say 'do better than I did', but, you know, you've already pulled that off. Love you bye! I'm gonna go fight death!"

There was a flash, and he vanished.

"...Better than he did, huh? Sasuke: Shippuden." Sasuke mused. "I dig it. Sibilant." He turned around, and focused on Kabuto, who had finally stopped sulking. "Alright, apparently we're doing this solo now. I'm aware we didn't really give you any chance to monologue before, and I'm sorry about that, so if you want to take the time now, feel free."

"Oh?" Kabuto glared, which was very impressive considering his eyes were apparently sewn shut. "Oh, is it my turn now? Damn you, you're just like him. Just like Orochimaru, just like Hinata. You live in your own special world where the only people that matter are the people with their incredible power and flamboyant personalities-"

Sasuke tuned him out. _Got it. Insecurities, inferiority complex, daddy issues. Probably gay but that's probably not relevant here. Doesn't feel like he has a voice so is lashing out at the world to be noticed. These are_ first arc _character_ _problems, buddy._

 _Alright, how do I piss him off?_

"Oh!" Sasuke shouted aloud, interrupting him. "I forgot!"

Kabuto's face scrunched up, curiosity warring with indifference, before he eventually came out with "...What?"

Sasuke used a combination shadow clones, transformations and mouth sounds to roughly recreate a confetti blizzard and a kazoo riff. "I just remembered something Hinata told me! It's your _Birthday_! Congratulations!"

Kabuto just stood there for a moment.

Then he screamed like a banshee and charged.

* * *

"Hinata, dear~" Orochimaru called over his shoulder.

"Coming!" She replied, after releasing the seals on Nagato and letting him float off into the air. Then she followed her old teacher across the rooftops.

Konoha was dark, and quiet. It often was, when it passed evening into night and the chatter in the bars died down. Usually, Hinata could see dozens of Shinobi making their own journeys across the village, using the 'ninja highway' of the house roofs to traverse it in relative silence. Of course, that was different now. With so many ninja off in the war, there was a skeleton crew manning the walls, and hardly anyone on the inside. It made it much easier for the duo to cross the city unnoticed.

"When my arms were first sealed, there were many possibilities to deal with the problem." Orochimaru called to her, dropping down to the floor and clunking two Jonin guards' heads into each other, knocking both unconscious. "The one I went with was the simplest in the short term: keep switching bodies. The effects on my chakra would be minimised, and it'd take years for the degradation to disable my arms between swaps. But it would always do so, eventually. It's a fraction of my chakra, my _soul_ , that's missing."

"I can see." Hinata replied, following him deeper into the building. "It's easier with the Gokei. The chakra in your-uh, traps ahead-"

"I know, darling, I'm not an amateur." He started to disarm them.

"Right. The chakra in your arms was always...borrowed. The tenketsu there weren't generating their own chakra flow, it was just being pushed through them by the rest."

"And you never thought to mention this to me before?" He asked.

She shrugged. "I presumed you already knew, and it wouldn't do for me to start pointing out your weaknesses. I was planning to kill you. I couldn't let you know I was planning to kill you."

"Fair." Orochimaru walked on through the tunnels. "Now, the optimum solution to my problem was through a certain tool; an artifact of Fuuninjutsu called the Reaper Release Mask. Only problem; it lies in the Uzumaki vaults."

"Ah." Hinata realised where this was going.

"Exactly. Not only are they deep in Konoha, (and even for me, breaking into this place is no small feat, especially not with Tsunade on the watch for me) but the Uzumaki were the greatest sealers in ninja history. Who knows what kind of vicious traps they would have in store for would-be thieves and trespassers? Even with Uzumaki Karin in my employ, it would be an incredible risk. I told myself that if I ever became skilled enough at sealing to master the Flying Raijin, I would try it. And then, I, never did." He coughed. "But that doesn't matter now, because you're here!"

"If the Hiragekoma can release bijuu and overcome the Kotoamatsukami, it can probably get in." Hinata nodded in agreement. This was what Neji had done to get into _her_ vault, after all.

The door they came to was...a door. Not imposing, like the giant stone ones before some vaults, or elegantly mysterious like the 'paper door' in front of the Hyuuga's. It was just a door. Wood. Brass handle. But she could already see the ink and carvings of dormant seals all throughout the door, and the walls, and the fact that she couldn't see _inside_ the vault despite her dojutsu was telling enough.

She inhaled, walked up, put her hand on the doorknob and said "Hiragekoma."

Her world exploded, and her eyes widened because oh my lord this thing was _big_ , and _complicated_ , and it almost felt _alive_ , and the moment it realised what she was doing (it _realised_ what she was _doing_ ) it immediately isolated her point of contact and set about activating its defences and she tried to pull away but it stuck her hand to the damn handle as it started poking and prodding right back at her chakra-

She saw the moment it found Naruto. Meaning, it found residual traces of his chakra on her, from when they'd left the island to enter the war and Naruto had recharged her and Sasuke in preparation. That was insane enough, because sure, sufficiently advanced Hyuuga could see the subtle, lingering energy from points of contact with other ninja, but that was with the _Byakugan_ , and this thing was nothing but a set of seals. But it noticed alright. Noticed that it hadn't been left on her from aggressive action, noticed _where_ it had been left on her. Specifically, her hands and lips.

There was the brief yet distinct impression that the array laughed.

And then there was a click, and the door opened.

Hinata's vision returned to normal, and she stumbled back a step, looking at the door with serious concern as it swung slowly open.

"Is everything alright, my dear?" Orochimaru asked.

"Never ask me to do that again." She said, with a shiver, before cautiously walking inside.

* * *

Naruto was having the time of his fucking life.

"COME ON!" He shouted, grabbing Matatabi by the throat and socking Isobu in the jaw, "THAT ALL YOU GOT? HUH?"

" **Could you maybe take less joy in beating us up? We are being forced to do this, you know!** " Son Goku bellowed back, sounding upset. Naruto headbutted him. Three of the others charged him at once and he spun on the spot, his tails (nine of the bloody things) colliding into his attackers and shoving them backwards.

This...this was awesome. He was floating inside the avatar, over a hundred metres off the floor, and every movement of his arm was moving gigantic golden arms and legs and claws and _power_. He could feel his chakra, both inside and out; merged so perfectly with Kurama's that he didn't even need to worry about the excess Yang overwhelming him. This was what a Perfect Jinchurikki felt like. Or rather, this was what a perfect _Kyuubi_ Jinchurikki felt like.

 _And it feels like I can do anything._

" **Easy kit**." Warned Kurama, voice coming from the Fox-head above him rather than inside his head. " **Don't get too cocky.** "

He checked himself, shaking his head. "Right. Is the Yang chakra getting to me after all?"

" **No, you're just drunk on power.** "

"Oh, okay, got it."

" **Don't worry, happens to everyone. Just try and avoid overly dramatic or ballsy plays while you're getting used to it.** "

Before them, the six bijuu lined up, and began to slowly build up chakra in their mouths. Large purple orbs began to form.

Naruto looked at them, then back up at Kurama. "Okay I know you just said all that, but we're absolutely going to try and cancel out their attack with ours, right?"

" **Oh, absolutely. Get excited Naruto, it's time for your first Bijuu bomb!** "

The Bijuu bomb was one hell of an attack to try and prepare, especially for your first time without any training. Naruto had an advantage in that he knew the Rasengan was actually based off this attack, so some of the principles applied. Instead of carefully spinning the sphere, however, the principle of the bijuu bomb seemed to be cramming as much chakra as physically possible into a given space, and making it stay there with sheer force of will. Fortunately, that wasn't something Naruto was lacking. Following Kurama's lead, he helped to focus all the power into the smallest point he physically could, just in front of the avatar's mouth, and then continued to maintain that pressure as his Bijuu poured more and more power into it. The resulting sphere quickly grew to the size of a house, then the size of a warehouse, then...

 _How come this one's so much bigger than the ones you shot at me?_ He asked, telepathically, trying to maintain the shape of a sphere almost as tall as Konoha's cliffs.

 ** _B told you, the combining of the Shinobi and Bijuu chakra results in both becoming more powerful. I've shown you what I can do. But this is what_ we _can do._**

So Naruto took 'what we can do' and yeeted it across the battlefield.

* * *

Now, Naruto had seen a lot of big fucking explosions.

But the explosion that happened when Kurama's attack hit the six Bijuu's attacks definitely took the cake.

His viewpoint from the air well over a kilometre away left him uniquely positioned to remark on its beautiful spectacle; the initial bright flash, the blast of concussive force, and the wave of dust and uprooted trees that spread outwards. Overshadowing all of them was a column of fiery, plasmified air blooming upwards into the sky.

Ninja from the other side of the war turned to look. Hinata turned to look. Madara turned to look. A reanimated Deidara was literally stood there staring at it with tears running down his face and a raging hard-on while he disintegrated from the breaking Edo Tensei.

And then the great cosmic calculator did some maths, drawing a double line under the result of the conservation of momentum calculation. And the shape of the explosion buckled _away_ from Kurama and towards his opponents.

"Oh, damn, he won." Muttered Tobi, before phasing out of existence just in time for the fire to sweep over him.

The six Bijuu withstood the aftermath with varying success. Heavier beasts such as Isobu and Son Goku remained grounded, sliding backwards, while the ones with a higher centre of gravity were bowled over onto their backs.

The only beast that remained unaffected was the one currently charging towards the rest of them.

Following the wave of fire was Kurama, bounding across the terrain with a roar. He grabbed onto the first beast he encountered, arms quickly finding the black rods sticking out of it at odd angles, and then found that he didn't have enough arms for his intended plan. And then Naruto thought: _Hey, this whole thing is a chakra construct right? Why don't we just-_

And another ten or so arms sprang out from the avatar's shoulders and back, latching onto the other Bijuu while they struggled to get back up.

 _Hey Kurama, you ever played a game called Operation?_

 _ **No, I'm a giant Fox.**_

 _Yeah, me neither. Well, at least we don't have to worry about hitting the sides. Heave!_

They heaved.

With another roar ("Do you really have to do those?" " **I'm finally free-ish after centuries, leave me be!** ") the avatar yanked out all the rods from the Bijuu, flinging them backwards and away in a hail of very deadly spikes.

The bijuu gave a ragged cheer. They were free!

For about one second.

A giant statue just _appeared_ right behind the beasts, the _Gedo_ statue, and it opened its mouth and chains began to pour out, and Naruto was about to intercept but-

"Bansho Tenin." Said a voice, and Naruto felt himself being pulled backwards right as his Kyuubi senses let him know that Tobi was stood in the wasteland behind him.

He flew right out of the Fox avatar, and it disintegrated (" **Dammit! I can't maintain it when we're not inside it yet!** ") and spun around. He may have been on the back foot, but he was prepared; this wasn't his first time dealing with the power. A few hand seals, and Tobi wasn't sucking in a Jinchurikki so much as a giant blue wave of Rasengan. His chakra and emotional signature abruptly vanished just before the attack plowed into him, and then reappeared right after they passed, leaving him unharmed. He reached out with a grab, and Naruto punched.

Both attacks phased through their targets.

 _Oh, thank the Sage, he can't be intangible and attack me at the same time. If he could he'd be a god. Of course, the fact that he can apparently just turn into a ghost is busted enough.._.Tobi backed up, swinging the fan, and Naruto jumped backwards out of immediate range, reassessing.

"That was your freebie." Tobi warned. "I know you know how to counter the Rinnegan abilities; I'm not wasting any more chakra on them."

"Gee, thanks, aren't you generous." Naruto's eyes narrowed, looking over Tobi's shoulder. Behind the man, the six bijuu were all pulled back into the gaping maw of the Gedo Statue. Where they had once been, he could see the vague forms of six perfectly ordinary corpses falling to the floor.

Three thoughts were running through his mind, as he prepared to continue the brawl.

The first was that Tobi had just used some very expensive techniques with only one Rinnegan, and seemed fine. This was probably due to the One and Eight Tails he still had in the statue, working as batteries for his jutsu. Very not good.

The second was that Naruto now knew Kurama's name, which was still a thing he was trying to get used to, and that meant that the golden chakra cloak was buffing his speed and strength even more than it already had. And yet, Tobi was still capable of fighting on par with him. _What in the actual fuck is this guy?_

The third thing...

"Huh. GG I guess." Naruto shrugged. "Tobi, I am now going to defeat you using the power of friendship."

"Please tell me that was a joke." The masked man deadpanned.

"Nope. Hey, speaking of, wanna hear a joke?" Naruto asked, smirking. "What's small, sneaky, and can't keep control of an Edo Tensei to save his life?"

"...Oh you've gotta be kidding me, Kabuto." Tobi's shoulders slumped.

That was when Kakashi and Gai came charging in.

* * *

 **Okay, look, imma be honest. Kishimoto. Why are Izanami and Izanagi a thing. Literally every scene where they feature is way better if they _aren't there_ and the characters have to solve it some other way. Danzo was OP enough, Kotoamatsukami was fun enough. And shoutout to the Youtuber Swagkage for the idea of Itachi having to force Kabuto to undo the reanimation or die. **

**Of course, my main reason for doing it was so I could have Itachi say what he did. Lel.**

 **And holy smokes, Batman, we've hit 300K words. I have way too much time on my hands.**

 **(HE WAS LYING! HE HAD NO SPARE TIME, AND WAS ACTIVELY TAKING TIME OUT OF HIS STUDIES AND SOCIAL COMMITMENTS TO WRITE MORE!)**

 **Gotta love Love Is War. Anyway, see you next week!**


	82. Akatsuki's Fav'rite Fighting Snake-Man 2

**GIVE IT UP FOR THE AKATSUKI'S FAVOURITE FIGHTING SNAKE MAN #2**

* * *

The torches in the Uzumaki vaults lit themselves automatically as Hinata and Orochimaru entered.

It wasn't _that_ unusual for something dramatic to happen upon entering a clan's home, (The Hyuuga had had a person assigned to ring a large bell whenever someone came in) but the fact that it was happening _automatically_ made it a lot eerier. Orochimaru seemed unaffected, walking in brazenly and completely ignoring shelves full of scrolls, weapons, and strange contraptions Hinata couldn't immediately recognise.

"Do you know what this all is?" She asked, gesturing vaguely.

"Not at all!" He smiled, opening every cupboard and side-room like a child in a toy shop. "And as much as I would love to bag up everything in here for later study, I'd rather not push my luck. Angering this place's rightful owner seems like a rather poor idea."

Hinata nodded thoughtfully. "Good point. After all, didn't Naruto beat you up when he was exponentially weaker than he currently is?"

"Since I am a mature adult, I will not dignify that with a response. Aha!" One of the doors he opened revealed a room that was almost completely empty, save for a long line of masks hooked on the walls. Thirteen on the left, thirteen on the right, and one hung ominously alone on the wall furthest from the door, as though the other masks had tried to edge away from it when they thought their owners weren't looking. It was white, horned, and grinning almost as nastily as Orochimaru grinned on a regular basis.

"I don't suppose you're after the third one on the left?" Hinata asked him.

He chuckled and walked into the centre of the room, pulling various scrolls out of his pocket. "Observe, Hinata, for this is a complex recipe. Ingredients: One armless snake man, one Death God mask, and five human souls."

Hinata narrowed her eyes. "Considering your new 'good guy' stance, where are you planning to get-"

Orochimaru tapped a scroll, and it poofed open. Five white Zetsu, bound and wriggling, fell to the ground.

"...Ah. I suppose I shouldn't ask where you got those. Wait, those _count_?"

"Indeed (and to answer what you didn't ask, I captured them on my way to fight Nagato). These things are clearly not thinking, not _sentient_ , I checked and they're barely even capable of distinguishing friend from foe. But as far as some very specific techniques count, they are human. And isn't it odd how Kabuto was able to find so many people to act as human sacrifices for his reanimations? Either he kidnapped an entire village without being noticed, or he's using these."

"Good for-" Hinata paused. "Ah. These allies are people you're bringing back from the dead. But who? You said they would be Kage level, and I don't think you have the second Tsuchikage's bone dust in your pocket."

"I _had_ DNA samples from dozens of different ninja, painstakingly grave-robbed over years of study." Orochimaru muttered, bitterly. "But then I had to fake my own death, and abandon all my hidden bases. I can only imagine _Kabuto_ got a hold of them, it would certainly explain the breadth of his current army. But there are four very specific exceptions that he didn't bring to bear against us, can you think of who?"

Hinata did think, trying to remember who she'd seen on the battlefield. _Kage, Akatsuki, Seven Swordsmen, a few other notable ninja like Madara, uh...wait, Kage. Something's missing from that sublist, I can feel it. C'mon, Hinata, think. We had all the Tsuchikage, Raikage, Mizu- Oh._

"He couldn't resurrect the Hokage." She realised. "Of course he couldn't. The first three were all sealed fighting you four years ago (thanks, by the way), and the Fourth was sealed when he put away the Kyuubi."

"Well done." Orochimaru nodded. "A little more specifically, they were sealed in the belly of the Reaper, and the Edo Tensei can't get in there. I would know, I tried to summon Minato against my former master and it just didn't work."

"And that thing is called the Reaper Release Mask. Are you about to do what I think you're about to do?" Hinata couldn't help but feel a little excited.

"Always so quick on the uptake, I do like that about you." After arranging the Zetsu in a specific way, (and more worryingly, drawing the sword of Kusanagi and fixing it at his waist) he walked up to the Reaper Mask. "This won't kill me if I try to remove it, will it?"

 _I have no idea but I'm not talking to the runes again_. "No. So what's the plan?"

"Three steps, Hinata. Step one: Put on the mask."

He gently lifted it off it's hook, meriting no supernatural response. Then he turned back to the room, breathed in, and put it on.

 _That_ got a reaction.

Hinata gulped as the temperature of the room decreased by about ten degrees. Orochimaru's clothing (which she was fairly certain was just a curtain) began to billow in a sourceless wind, and though her Byakugan showed her nothing, a dim outline appeared around him. A figure with purple skin and white hair, that was grinning _significantly nastier_ than Orochimaru grinned on a regular basis.

" **Step two**." Orochimaru continued, strange things happening to his voice. " **Commit sudoku**."

"Don't you mean Sep-oh, right, that was a joke. Haha." Hinata replied, weakly.

" **Yes, it was**." He said, which was relieving. And then he pulled the sword from his waist and slit open his own stomach.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a cave somewhere, violence was happening to Sasuke Uchiha.

 _So. Kabuto. I thought I had him pinned as a C-tier villain, but no, turns out now he's Bloodlines McGee._

 _Why the fuck did I piss this guy off?_

"I'LL KILL YOU, SASUKE!" Kabuto screamed, as he tried to kill Sasuke.

"FAIR! I'VE BEEN A BIT OF A DICK!" Sasuke replied.

"AND THEN ILL KILL THE HYUUGA BITCH TOO!"

"ALSO FAIR! I GET THAT URGE TOO SOMETIMES!"

"STOP AGREEING WITH ME!"

"OH, RIGHT! MY BAD, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!"

" _NGAAAAAGH!_ "

"Heheheh..." Unfortunately, needling Kabuto was much easier than actually hitting the guy.

First of all, his eyes were sewn shut, and no non-ocular genjutsu Sasuke had was enough to get through to him. So no cheesing this one. Fuck.

And worse...

"Ultimate burning dragon jutsu!"

"Earth wall!"

Sasuke's Sharingan showed him in great detail as ( _ewwww_ ) the head and torso of a ninja (he barely placed the portly figure as Jirobo of the Sound Four) appeared out of Kabuto's stomach, and made the hand signs along with him. A giant stone wall appeared to block the attack, and in fact _absorbed_ it, something Sasuke remembered the fat one could do in life.

 _And he can transform into water. Hinata mentioned someone she worked with who could do that..._

Sasuke substituted his way around the wall, but turned to see Kabuto had vanished. "Is that your gimmick?" He shouted, scanning the room with his Sharingan. He quickly placed Kabuto's chakra signature to the north...and the south, and the southeast, and in slithery snake-shapes all over the cave. _Clever_. "Copying the abilities of your dead teammates?"

"Copying? Teammates?" Kabuto let out a hissing laugh, his voice echoing from an indeterminate source. "They were never allies of mine. I _consumed_ their powers, and improved on them. Orochimaru's plotting never went far enough. Why sacrifice _my_ body to claim that of another? With enough DNA, I can claim the powers of anyone, and add them to my own! I already have over half a dozen unique Kekkei Genkai, and when I am done here, I shall have yours!"

"Wow." Sasuke paused to consider the consequences of that. "I...Kabuto, your powers are bullshit. I don't even have to qualify that statement. For once, they're even more bullshit than mine."

"Thank you."

"You're like an edgy fanfiction OC."

"...What?"

"This is my character, his name is Kabuto and he can, like, absorb everyone's superpowers without any downsides! And, and, and he has sage mode (just like Naruto!) and he's even smarter than Orochimaru and he can summon a bazillion zombies-"

"SHUT UP!"

Now, admittedly, taunting Kabuto didn't make the next attack any easier to defend against.

A flash of movement from Sasuke's left, and he brought up his Susanno immediately to block the attack. Which was, in hindsight, exactly what Kabuto had expected him to do. A giant web fell about the Susanno, wrapping it up and worryingly _not_ combusting on the purple flames. Sasuke spun and fired a bolt from the Susanno's crossbow, which crashed right into where Kabuto had been a split second earlier. The snake-man (a title now more appropriate than ever) darted around the cave, slinging more and more webs down onto Sasuke from the body of another Sound Four member, one Sasuke remembered fighting on a rooftop once. The threads covered the Susanno, and (very worryingly) began to collapse it's structure, eating through its armour plating.

 _Chakra suppressing web. Son of a bitch._

Sasuke jumped out through a quickly closing gap, deliberately to the opposite side as Kabuto was, but was still assaulted the moment he left by-

Bones.

 _Oh, hello, PTSD flashbacks. He ate Kimimaro._

The spikes erupted from the ground and Sasuke twisted, catching himself in an upside down splits between two of them and turning his head to blast Amaterasu at Kabuto, only for it to catch atop an armour of the webbing he was wearing, which quickly shattered and cracked but not quick enough to stop Kabuto lunging in and-

 _Crap-_ "Chidori!"

It wasn't a pretty sight, the way the lightning blade split it's way up Kabuto's forearm. The remnants of said arm, bone elongating and sharpening as a remnant of one of Kimimaro's techniques, grazed Sasuke's shoulder and slammed him down into the floor, and it was only the threat of more Amaterasu that forced Kabuto to jump away instead of landing right on him. The arm that Sasuke had split to the shoulder quickly reformed itself, healing all the damage it had taken within seconds.

"Uzumaki bits?" Sasuke guessed, standing back up and glaring.

"And Senju." Kabuto grinned. "I've not got Wood release quite yet, but I'm close."

Sasuke reactivated his Susanno and flipped Kabuto off. Kabuto didn't respond. Sasuke shrugged, and went "Alright, you're officially too much of a pain for me to let free. I'm kicking your ass now."

He stretched out his Susanno's arm, while his real body began making hand seals, and fired another purple arrow.

Kabuto charged, slithering as much as running forwards and dodging underneath the bolt. And then Sasuke finished his seals, and popped into existence in the air above him.

Kabuto visibly jumped, spinning and reacting as fast as he could as Sasuke flung down a web of ninja wire, leaving one strand trailing back to his hand to conduct lightning chakra through (thanks, Hinata, for telling me about that trick) as back across the cave, the Susanno vanished once again, leaving nothing but a glowing purple projectile in it's place.

 _Big downside to the substitution jutsu; long, easily recognisable string of hand seals. Big upside to the substitution jutsu; everything involved retains all momentum._

Sasuke remembered what it was like to fight blind, and one of the most agonising weaknesses of it? You can't see what hand seals your opponent is making.

And as he had tested with the (strangely ignored) raised middle finger; Kabuto's sage senses didn't extend so accurately from _without_ the Susanno to _within_.

"Omae wa, mou shinderu." Sasuke said, teleporting behind Kabuto and wrapping him up, as the Susanno arrow he had substituted with reappeared in his original position and continued to blitz forwards towards it's target.

 _Regenerate from this_.

Kabuto did not regenerate from that. There was the lilting sound of flute music, and all Sasuke's surroundings disappeared.

* * *

Hinata took a hesitant step backwards from the sight, putting one hand to her mouth to stop the gag reflex as her former master _disembowelled_ himself.

A lightshow was taking place in front of her; the spectral form of the Reaper was now much more visible and more than moderately terrifying, and Orochimaru was howling with laughter, and from his, it's, _their_ slit stomach emerged a swarm of small, white, balls of chakra, flying around her and away and vanishing to Kami-knows-where.

Two of those spheres instead swirled briefly around the room, before settling into Orochimaru's arms and spreading a warm glow across the two limbs.

" **YES!** " He crowed. " **Finally! Now, I can, ah, where do you think _you're_ going?**" He reached out with his newly restored arms (the limbs had obviously been there before, but the dexterity and grace with which he wielded them was all new) and plucked four of the larger sprites out of the air as they attempted to leave.

After a few more seconds, the wind died down, and the mask dropped limply off Orochimaru's face. He grinned, "Now, I-" and promptly collapsed to his knees, "Right, got it, dying, hold on-"

Hinata...didn't really know what happened next, because after a particularly hideous first moment or so, she decided she didn't want to. She shut off her Byakugan and turned away, closing her eyes and trying to keep the bile down. "Okay, just, tell me when it's over!" She called out, shakily. _I thought I'd gotten used to his particular brand of disgusting while I was studying under him. I thought I'd seen the depths of it. I was wrong._

Soon enough, the rending, tearing and _squelching_ noises all came to a stop, followed by an "Okay, you can look now."

Hinata did. Orochimaru looked...great, actually. Better than she'd ever seen him. The lines, rashes, and tiredness Hinata could usually see about his body were all gone, and his chakra network was operating as smoothly as any she'd seen. And his smile was _alive._ She knew what was expected.

"Okay, go ahead Sailor Moon." She sighed. "Explain how clever you just were."

"Thank you, I think I will." He twirled on the spot. She didn't know when he'd managed a costume change, but now he was in loose white-purple robes instead of a hastily wrapped curtain. "Presenting, the Orochimaru update from 1.8 to 2.0! Arms? Attached. Body? White Zetsu. Eyebrows? On fleek. Hotel? Trivago. Oh, Hinata, I am _loving_ this thing. Wood release, on the house, and _ooh~_ , is that a natural connection to nature energy I detect? Maybe next time I visit Ryuchi cave I'll be able to get sage mode, wouldn't Jiraiya love that..."

Hinata reupdated her threat assessment, and concluded she could still take him. She pointed behind him to the four other Zetsu stood in a line in the room, black ash covering their bodies. "And those? I thought your version of the Edo Tensei was, well...a bit rubbish."

"Hey! Tobirama could only reanimate _one_ when I stole the technique and improved on it!" He gave her an indignant look. "Of course, after my 'death', Kabuto stole the technique and improved on it in turn. But he did so in _my_ abandoned hideouts." He broke out into a smile. "So I stole it right back. Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! They're practically full powered, practically guilt free, coming to a village near you! Please put your hands together for..."

The four figures took on definite forms. Their eyes opened.

"The fuck?" Said the first four Hokage.

* * *

Sasuke looked around frantically, as his surroundings disappeared, world going red as white snakes appeared from nowhere to wrap around his arms and immobilise him.

 _Genjutsu? Against_ Me _? What kind of-Oh. Auditory. Oh that's clever._

He strained against it, but though he could _see_ the haze of chakra constituting the illusion, he couldn't do anything to break through it. _I'm never saying this out loud, but I kinda wish I had the Byakugan instead at the moment._

 _Okay, think. I still have to deal with the net and the Susanno arrow, but that buys me milliseconds at most. I need out of here, fast. Need to disrupt it. How? What do I have that can cancel soundwaves?_

Naruto had done it with wind, way back in the Chunin exams, but Sasuke didn't _have_ wind. The principle must be the same, though, especially since he'd caught a glimpse of a woman's body appearing from Kabuto's stomach and knew this _was_ being caused by an actual instrument. How did he disrupt _sound_ though? If he just made enough noise, would the genjutsu go away?

 **You could allow me.** Said a familiar voice.

 _How the hell are you in here?_ Sasuke snapped at Samehada. _You're sealed in my bracer, how are you sharing my genjutsu?_

 **Because I am the first among Hagoromo's ninja tools. Fuck-**

 _Yeah I know the joke, that's great, what's your plan?_

 **Merge with me. I will consume the genjutsu as it reaches you.**

 _Do a shark mode and let you chow on my chakra? Yeah, no thanks._

 **I only looked sharky because that was Kisame's ~aesthetic~, I could go snake or crow if you wanted-**

 _THAT WASN'T THE PART I TOOK ISSUE WITH!_

But the discussion had given Sasuke an idea. _Crows._ He may not be able to feel or see his real body, but his motor controls should still be functioning normally. That whole 'learning to fight blind' thing really was paying dividends today, as another thing he'd learned was how to rely on his muscle memory, even in absence of proof of his actions working. And with the Sharingan's perfect recall, he knew exactly where he had been stood just before the genjutsu hit.

So, with all his senses telling him that he was paralysed by snakes in a flat landscape, Sasuke _thought_ the actions of slitting one of his fingers with a kunai, pressing it to the floor, and shouting "Summoning Jutsu!"

There was a pause, where nothing happened.

And then his surroundings began to disintegrate, the perpetual flute music being cut through by a cacophony of screeching and squawking.

 _Thanks, Itachi, for signing me in to that one, even if I only usually use it to make my body flicker look cooler._ Of course, an absence of a big Crow to summon just meant he had made a massive murder of tiny little ones.

His vision was replaced with a blur of black wings and the cave ceiling, as apparently he had just fallen on his ass, and quickly brought both his hands up to pierce both his own eardrums. The screeching and the music stopped, and he jumped up just in time to avoid _Orochimaru's Fucking Face_ slithering towards him out of an approaching Kabuto's navel.

"THAT'S SO GROSS!" Sasuke shouted, not that he could hear his own words, and fired off another fireball that sent Kabuto hurtling back through the cave to crash into a particularly large stalagmite.

Sasuke took in a deep breath, and readied himself, as Kabuto did the same, charred skin rapidly healing itself and rage palpable.

"I know that it's always tempting fate to say this, but I'm in a rush so let's hurry it along: Do you have any more ridiculous powers you'd like to show me?" Sasuke shouted across.

Kabuto replied, and Sasuke was able to read his lips well enough to determine "Oh, one or two. You know, up until now I was trying to consume your body whole, but now I think I'll settle for scooping up the _paste_ you're going to leave."

There was a rumbling that Sasuke could feel through his soles as the cave began to _move_ around him.

"The Toads give Frog Kata, which provides a force-field and invisible, extended reach. Not bad." Kabuto continued, as the rumbling intensified. "The Slugs give Digestive Conversion, which converts Sage chakra directly into regular chakra, or even vice-versa. Also not bad. But I'm a big fan of what the _Snakes_ give."

His grin stretched wider than any human mouth should go, as the stone pillars supporting the cave began to fracture and fall. "Inorganic Reincarnation allows me to directly pour chakra into and control inorganic matter. On the surface, that functionally just means nature transformations without hand seals. But down here?" He spread his arms wide. "Why do you think I chose to make my base in a _cave_ , Sasuke-kun?"

"Oh...son of a bitch." Sasuke muttered to himself.

The roof, and the thousands of tonnes of stone and earth above it, started to fall.

* * *

...Which would have been terrifying, except that it was really the simplest problem he'd had to solve all battle. _F_ _uck it, Chakra Dickflop time. Alright EMS, what's the most ridiculously over-the-top thing I can do with you?_

He summoned his Susanno. He summoned the string of Magatama Beads. Eyes and chakra straining with the effort, he turned _each individual_ _bead_ into a Susanno-Amaterasu-Rasenkunai. And then he wound his arm up, and swung the _whole string_ up at the roof.

The resulting explosion was almost as cool as the one Naruto had made less than a minute earlier.

* * *

"Uchiha." Was the first word to come out of Tobirama Senju's mouth, even before any of the other Kage spoke.

"Come again?" Replied Hinata, as Orochimaru moved to stand beside her.

"The Uchiha." He repeated. "Are they okay?"

"Uh, sure?" Hinata replied. "Other than Itachi, unless there are other deaths I don't know about, the clan's fine-"

" _DAMMIT!_ "

"Oh, great, he's still like this..." Hashirama Senju, God of Shinobi, groaned and facepalmed in a very undignified manner.

"They're a _menace_ , Hashirama!" Tobirama continued.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't be wishing they were dead!"

"It's not like Uchiha lives matter-"

"WHOA! That is, like, _really_ racist!"

"They are literally responsible for _all_ the problems you face that you didn't cause yourself!" Tobirama yelled at his older sibling, pointing. "Tell me I'm wrong!"

Hashirama paused, bit his lip, and _didn't_ , and Tobirama pointed right back at Hinata. "Let me guess, they're causing problems for you too?"

"Well, two out of three of the biggest threats to world peace do have the Sharingan." Hinata admitted.

"Hah! Told you so!"

Sarutobi Hiruzen held up a hand. "As much as I hate to get these events on track (Hello Hinata by the way, a pleasure to see you again), what's actually going on?"

"Hello to you too, Hokage-sama. To all you Hokage-samas. We brought you back to help us fight." Hinata explained. "You know the forbidden Edo Tensei thing?"

"Yeah." Said all four at once.

"Someone used it to bring Madara back. And then they released the technique and he used it himself to keep himself here, and he's completely out of control and we can't kill him." She summarised.

There was a pause.

Then Hashirama and Tobirama both turned on each other and yelled "I told you so!" before devolving into bickering.

"What? _You_ told _me_? You're the one who made the thing in the first place-"

" _You're_ the one who showed it to Madara-"

"He was joint leader of the village! And I _killed_ him!"

"Well you obviously didn't do a good enough job-"

"Good eno-Motherfucker he was dead with a capital D!"

There was a brief blur, and then Namikaze Minato held up a hand. "Hey what's up. I was just checking out the village perimeter, did I miss anything?"

"Nah you're good." Said Hinata, who had seen him leave.

"Wait, you were _gone_? When?" Said Orochimaru, who hadn't.

"Like, the last ten milliseconds. Oh hey Orochimaru, how's it going!" The Fourth Hokage gave a cheery wave. "Been a while, huh? Remember how you wanted to be Hokage but I was better than you in every single way so you left the village in a hissy fit?"

Orochimaru made an outraged face. "That was _not_ -"

"Oh yes, that did happen." Hiruzen hummed. "And then there was that other time where you wanted to beat me in a fight but I was better than you in every single way, so I sealed your Hokage summons and you left the village in a hissy fit."

"That-" Orochimaru sighed. "Look. I was hit by a Kotoamatsukami from one of Danzo's minions. Hinata here killed him and it wore off, so I'm a good...well, I'm _only_ morally ambiguous now. The kidnapping children wasn't me."

Hiruzen frowned. "That is...conveniently exactly what I've always wanted to hear."

"It's the truth." Hinata piped up. "I can tell when people are lying."

"Oh, good. In that case..." Hiruzen immediately ran forwards and _threw_ himself at Orochimaru, and the Sannin was about to raise his arms to defend himself when the Hokage instead just wrapped him up in a hug. "I'm so happy for you! Oh, I always knew you would be good-"

"Sensei! Get off me!" Orochimaru hissed. "This is undignified!"

Hinata tilted her head, and asked "Can't you just... _order_ him to get off?"

"No, you don't understand, none of them should be even moving!" Orochimaru told her, trying to extricate himself. "They should only be able to speak! I don't know how _any_ of this is happening."

"I'm a fuuninjutsu prodigy and my wife's an Uzumaki. Wasn't that hard." Minato shrugged. "I broke the control on Hiruzen myself. And I'm pretty sure those two just sort of...flexed. And it was off."

His eyes flicked across to Hashirama and Tobirama, who were now wrestling on the floor. Hinata had seen the seals, of course, a complex little thing on the backs of each of their necks. She'd just barely caught Minato doing some very fancy work to his, and then to Hiruzen's, while Orochimaru wasn't looking (and then she'd decided not to tell Orochimaru because it was funny). She'd watched Tobirama make a big show of straining his chakra before eventually simply overloading his seal, disintegrating it.

Hashirama she hadn't even seen _do_ anything. Like, he'd _blinked_ after coming back to life and the thing was _gone_.

"Maybe, in hindsight, reviving a bunch of people significantly more powerful than me _wasn't_ an incredibly intelligent idea." Orochimaru mused.

"Oh yeah, who are you by the way?" Minato asked Hinata. "You're the only one here I don't recognise. You'll be, uh, Hiashi's daughter, correct?"

"Yes. Hinata Hyuuga, sir." She inclined her head. "I'm, uh..." She blushed, "I suppose I'm...your son's girlfriend."

The face Minato made was a sight to behold, the sheer _delight_ that appeared there as his eyes widened and his hands went to his cheeks. "Naruto got a _girlfriend_? Oh, oh Kami, _Naruto._ How is he? How's my son? Is he alive? Is he well?"

"Oh, he's doing great." Hinata replied, her voice cold. "That whole 'despised by the entire village' thing really did wonders for his psyche."

There was silence in the room. Even Hashirama and Tobirama paused what they were doing to turn and look.

Hinata leveled a glare, at Hiruzen and Minato both. "I would like," she told them, "to receive a _very_ good explanation for what this village did to Naruto Uzumaki."

* * *

An observer from the sky above Kabuto's hideout would have seen the innocent looking grassland begin to crack, and shudder. They would have seen those cracks widen, spread, and deepen, and then fall into one another as the entire area began to buckle, and fall.

And then they would have seen an _eruption_ of rocks and dirt as Sasuke's Susanno (now with legs) blasted upwards from beneath the earth's surface.

It promptly fell back down into the rising dust cloud that now blanketed the disaster site, obscured except for a vague purple glow that occasionally flashed a brighter red or blue, and that was all our hypothetical observer would have been able to see for the remainder of the fight.

Sasuke was not our hypothetical observer, though he was the one to have come up with the hypothetical in the first place as a followup to how he _really wished he had Hinata's flying powers right about now._

"You Bastard!" Kabuto shouted, revealing his location to Sasuke (not that the Uchiha needed it, his Sharingan could see easily enough through the dense fog. Hell, he was literally lipreading.) "I'll kill you!"

"You've already said that!" Sasuke reminded him, charging in. His Susanno punched, and the ground in front of Kabuto rose up into a shield to block the attack. "Get more original battle dialogue!"

"I'll kill you!" Kabuto repeated, making a yanking motion, and the unstable ground beneath the Susanno's legs shifted, burying it knee-deep. "And then I'll _consume_ you! And then I'll consume Hinata, and the Uzumaki boy, and your precious Kage, and then I'll demand tribute from every clan and bloodline in the world!" He jumped upwards as Sasuke was trying to free himself, and unleashed a hail of bone spikes that dug into the Susanno's exterior, forcing it deeper.

"I'll conquer this whole twisted fucking planet!" Kabuto screamed, "and then I'll claim and combine every scrap of genetic power in the world until I supplant the Sage of Six Paths!"

"Okay, that's a bit more original!" Sasuke's Susanno (legs now fully stuck in the gravel) reached inside itself and grabbed Sasuke, throwing him up, out, and free. "Why the hell do you want every Kekkei Genkai?" He shouted, creating a pair of Amaterasu-Rasenkunai in midair and throwing them both. "I mean, I understand revenge on Hinata, but how does DNA perfection come into it?"

The first attack hit the wall Kabuto threw up, burrowed into it, and blew it to smithereens. The second, Kabuto barely brought his tail up to block. He hissed in pain as the fiery projectile dug into his limb, and unflinchingly brought one arm down with a chakra scalpel to cut the tail off at the base, before hurling the whole thing back at Sasuke. "Because I refuse to be rendered _irrelevant_! I refuse to allow those born with the powers of gods to make _jokes_ out of the rest of us!" He spat. "Because this is what's _fair!_ Because when you throw an orphaned loner into a society that treats him like trash, you get what you _fucking_ deserve!"

Sasuke kicked away the tail just before the Rasenkunai in it exploded, landing on the ground and being immediately assaulted by writhing tendrils of animated earth from around and beneath him. "I actually do get that!" He called over, tapping his bracer and pulling out Samehada. "You just don't wanna be a footnote, right? You're terrified you'll be reduced to a _side_ character!"

 **Finally.** Groused the sword, as Sasuke swung it at the attacking dirt. **Ah, Sage chakra. Been a while since I'd gotten a chance to eat some.** Samehada tore through the constructs with little difficulty; any life in the material vanishing as the scales wrustled and drained the energy out of it. The weapon was _hungry,_ it practically swung itself towards the nearest sources of power.

"Precisely!" Crowed Kabuto. "I _will_ be recognised. Everyone in the world will see me, will know my name! But you, Sasuke..." He put his hands together. "You will not know _anything._ Sage Art: White Rage!"

A red, spectral dragon tore free from his stomach and hurtled towards Sasuke. Sasuke, getting big 'ultimate technique' vibes, brought his most heavily armoured Susanno variant up, also raising Samehada defensively and preparing for a collision as he tried to use his Sharingan to see what the attack would do.

There was no collision. As he watched, the dragon _exploded_ into white light so intense that it made him scream and close his eyes. For the second time in the battle, his sense of his surroundings was gone; not through illusion this time, but through sheer brute force. His eyes burned, his ears rang ( _thank fuck I already turned those off_ ), and his body shook, and everything was generally _super unpleasant._

His arms dropped limply to his sides as his knees buckled, his Susanno disintegrated, and he almost let go of Samehada.

Almost.

It's tip touched the ground, and it's voice echoed in his mind. **Can you taste that? He is emitting his sage chakra outwards through the ground, that's how he was animating the stone. I can feel where it's flowing from. I know where he is.**

Sasuke felt a tug, the sword in his hand almost begging him to move. **Swing me, now, and I will strike him down.**

 _I...I can't...move, can't...think-_

 **Oh, get over yourself. You're a _warrior_ , Indra. Grit your teeth, grow a pair, and swing.**

For once, Sasuke didn't have anything to say back. He just roared, muscles burning, trying to force any sort of reaction out of them. It reminded him of trying to move his body under the covers while he was asleep; only instead of 'can't breathe properly' his issue was 'can't breathe at all, and also every cell in my body is on fire'.

But if he wanted to get back to his team, he needed to move his arm. So move it he did. Taking a staggering step, he screamed, dragged Samehada along the floor and swept it upwards.

There was a crunch.

* * *

Across the battlefield, Naruto was in the fucking _zone._

This was it. Hinata was grabbing more allies to go fight Madara, Sasuke was going with Itachi to fight Kabuto.

And he was here fighting Tobi with literally every authority figure in his life.

 _Alexa, play Strong and Strike. It's grand finale time._

"Shadow clone jutsu!" Two clones dropped into seiza behind him, while two others flanked him as he charged his opponent.

Meters behind him followed Kakashi, Sharingan flashing, and Gai, already using the seventh gate. A few meters behind _them_ , Jiraiya and Tsunade were sprinting up to the battle, having come to assist after dealing with Pain.

Tobi stood, and waited.

"Get ready to get pummeled!" Naruto shouted, concentrating chakra in his palm, planning on getting a little extra Beginnerus Rukku to help him finish this off. "Mini-Bijuu Bomb!"

The purple energy coalesced in his palm and-

"No u." Said Tobi. He swung his war fan.

The Bijuu Bomb hit the fan, exploded, and Naruto saw as Tobi reinforced it with _something_ , and then the explosion was blasted backwards, throwing him away and popping the two clones and then "Deep forest emergence."

 _What? He has Wood-_

The ground beneath them all tore open, branches twisting and growing and splitting them all apart and Naruto recovered by landing on one and Tobi was charging at him, but he knew how to deal with this, attack _back_ , so he created another Mini Bijuu Bomb and shoved it forwards because even if it reflected again at least it would give Naruto some space-

Tobi didn't reflect it. His Sharingan flashed, and there was a _White Susanno_ that just tanked the explosion outright _wait What_ and then Tobi immediately fell right out of the armour, span upside down, landed on the branch above Naruto and put his hand on Naruto's face.

And then Naruto moved to manifest the Kurama avatar and there was a flash of purple-

* * *

Naruto awoke in his mindscape, and the Kyuubi was screaming.

 **"NO!"** Kurama howled, his giant form disintegrating. A massive black rod had appeared through the roof of the mindscape, and the Fox's chakra was being yanked up towards it.

"Kurama!" Naruto shouted, getting up. "What's-"

" **He's stabbed a Rinnegan Rod into your fucking face!** " Kurama looked genuinely terrified, eyes wide and darting around. " **He's using the Human and the Outer path to pull me straight out of you!** "

Desperately, Naruto jumped up at the offending object, trying to attack it with a Rasenshuriken, but _that_ got absorbed too, his chakra was practically inseperable from his Bijuu's, though that was rapidly changing as the dark red energy was pulled away from Naruto's blue.

" **Stop him!** " Kurama begged. " **Naruto, please, stop him, I don't want to-** "

Everything went dark.

* * *

...It took a few more seconds for Sasuke to regain control of his senses. The first he properly noticed was a pain in his right arm; he was pretty sure he'd torn something during that last attack. Soon after came his sense of direction, helpfully reminding him that he _hadn'_ _t_ fallen over this time. Wonderful. And once his hearing and sight came back... _Oh. Oh, that's nasty._

Kabuto coughed, blood dripping from his mouth. He was hovering about two feet above the floor, being helpfully held aloft by the giant purple sword impaling him through his stomach.

"N...No." Kabuto muttered. "Can't...can't die. Not...I'm not, not to you, I'm not, ngh, _perfect_ yet..."

Sasuke sighed. "Goddamit...You know, I _do_ get it. Less than an hour ago I watched Naruto singlehandedly conjure an army about as strong as the whole Shinobi Alliance. He's _stupid_ powerful, dude. I'm pretty sure he's waging a war on the literal embodiment of nihilism. I wasn't kidding when I said he was the main character. Love him to death, but, it's kinda scary, you know?"

"H...how do you cope?" Kabuto whispered. "How do you stop yourself...trying to _kill_ him?"

Sasuke laughed. "What, you think I'm going to turn into an edgy loner and run off to train outside Konoha, just because the Rasengan's stronger than the Chidori?" He shook his head. "Naruto's my friend. Maybe I sometimes want to kill him when he makes a mess out of my room or does something _stupid,_ but not because I'm afraid he's stronger than me. If I trust anyone with the power to kill me, it's him."

 _Hey, Samehada, can you force this guy out of Sage mode?_

 **I can drain the Senjutsu chakra before he uses it, yes. Hold on...**

The unearthly pallor to Kabuto's skin disappeared, as did the eyeliner that seemed to universally constitute sage powers. "And besides." Sasuke said aloud, smiling. "Sometimes? It's alright to let someone else be in the spotlight. I mean, do I look bitter about it?"

Sage mode off, Kabuto couldn't tell. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and met Sasuke's. "No. You seem...at peace."

Sasuke nodded. Then smirked. "Ha ha, made you look."

He hit Kabuto with the strongest Sharingan genjutsu he could muster, making him slump, and then booted him off the end of the sword.

 **That was cruel.** Samehada told him, sounding delighted about it.

"Eh. He'll heal. And he'll be out for days, at least, so I can come get him later. Better than killing him. Right then..." He spun about. "Where's the war at?"

* * *

Naruto floated in the darkness. The only sound was his rapid breathing, as he twisted around trying to see _anything._

He was painfully aware of the fact that Jinchurikki _could not survive_ without their Bijuu.

"K-Kurama?" He asked.

There was a light from above him, and a sound.

" _*click* okay, okay. Let's hope this works. Hi, Naruto! This is Minato-chakra-fragment-the-second! Not as big as the other one, 'cos this is much simpler. If you are hearing this, this means that your Bijuu has been stolen from you. To which I respond:_

 _Hah! Bitch, you thought!_ "

The flash vanished, and was replaced by a red glow that slowly rose up around Naruto, relighting the Mindscape once again. His feet touched the ground and he looked around, bewildered, as gradually forming into existence next to him was...

" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-oh, I'm not dead. What.** " Kurama paused, and looked around. " **Kit, the fuck?** "

Naruto shrugged, helplessly.

Kurama looked back down at himself, and then blinked. **"Oh, that sly, sly, _bastard._ OH, that CHEEKY BASTARD!**"

"What? What happened?"

" **Minato!** " Kurama grinned. " **Remember when we were talking about where he put the Yin half of my chakra?** "

"Yeah, what-" Naruto blinked, noticing Kurama's slightly darker colour. "Oh, no way."

" **IT WAS HERE!** " Kurama crowed. " **The whole time! He just separated it from the rest of me and sealed it deeper inside you! And there you were with your whole 'maybe he put it in himself so when he escaped the Reaper's stomach he'd be able to give it to us' theory!** "

"I thought that would be _cool_!"

" **But it was here! And now that masked fucker's only got the Yang half!** "

"Wait wait wait." Naruto raised a hand, starting to smile. "So you're telling me..."

Kurama nodded, and winked. " **We're still in the fight.** "

* * *

Tobi ignored the screams of the non-essentials present, as he finished draining the last of the Kyuubi chakra. _Less than I'd expected. Madara must have just been bigging him up._

"Important lesson, kiddo: You're not the only one who knows how to use Begginerus Rukku." Tobi tutted, casually throwing the corpse off to one side.

The corpse fell a good twenty metres to the floor.

It landed on it's feet.

Everyone present gaped as Naruto reached up, and yanked the chakra receiver out of his lower face, the damage to his mouth and nose quickly regenerating as the Kyuubi cloak flashed back into existence around him. He looked up at Tobi, and _glared._

"Okay, what the _fuck_ was that, Naruto?" Tobi demanded, genuine fury coming through in his voice. "No, what did you do, what the _fuck_ Naruto? I don't even... _How_?"

"Because I'm Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto replied. "Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

And then the two clones that had been sat at the back gathering sage chakra popped, and orange flashed into existence around Naruto's eyes, and he blitzed forwards and punched the black rod into Tobi's mask so hard it shattered into a dozen pieces.

* * *

 **Oh, sweet Jesus this is so fucking long.**

 **Seven thousand words.**

 **Why.**

 **I could split this into two chapters and save me a week of work.**

 **Am I going to? No, because I'm insane.**

 **I hope you enjoyed my response to the 'half the nine-tails' debacle. This is the second ass-pull plot point I've turned into a red herring, I'm on a fucking roll. I'd call it 'subverting expectations', except that ever since Star Wars VIII dropped, using that word will get you shot.**

 **And speaking of cans of worms I shouldn't have opened, yes, I reckon Tobi has a Susanno. I mean, he has the Mangekyo. I mean, you _could_ argue that technically he hasn't unlocked the mangekyo ability of both his eyes, but he _does_ have two Mangekyo (just not both his own, and now one's a rinnegan) and both his Kamuis _were_ unlocked (just not both by him). **

**It isn't a game-changer, and it won't be. Naruto has attacks that can shatter just about anything that isn't a Perfect Susanno already. As I tried to explain with the 'Begginerus Rukku' line; Tobi was literally just pulling out all the powers he had that they weren't expecting so that he could overwhelm them and get the Kyuubi quickly, without a drawn out fight.**

 **Of course, now that isn't going to happen. Poor him. Sorry Tobi, but Naruto won't get B'd.**

 **Next chapter, next arc, and in fact this is the first arc that _won't_ be getting a full Aftermaths chapter. There just isn't really any noticeable break before we move into 'oh fuck, murder trees, gods, aliens' arc. See you next week!**


	83. Standing Around and Talking

**And here we are, in the fic's final act. Warning ahead of time: I'm fully aware that a lot of people find Naruto's actual finale to be a bit...lacklustre, when it comes to every problem being solved by asspulls. I hope that what I have planned is at least somewhat of an improvement, but given that I'm literally only just giving Black Zetsu dialogue now, you can probably tell that there's only so much I can do.**

 **I kinda wish, if anything, I'd put in _more_ setup along the way. But un-bloating the pacing was one of my main goals going into this, so I'm not messing that up, and by this point I'm pretty late in the game. Well, fuck it. Worst case scenario, I just keep adding penis jokes. Hope you enjoy! **

* * *

**Act IX: Cataclysm**

* * *

 **Standing Around and Talking**

* * *

" _NARUTO!_ " Hinata screeched, turning to the battlefield eyes wide as-

"Oh, no, wait, nevermind, he's fine." She coughed, and straightened her clothing. "Whew, that was worrying. Sorry, continue."

* * *

 **Over a Century ago**

Black Zetsu, nothing but a shadowy figure on the wall of the cave, watched in amusement as Madara Uchiha pointed a sword at him. _**It's been like twenty minutes. How long does he plan to hold that thing out like that? It's not like physical weapons can kill me.**_

"How do I know you aren't lying to me?" Madara demanded.

" **I cannot lie.** " Zetsu lied. " **I am but a manifestation of the Gedo Mazo's will. I desire only to serve it's master.** "

"Which is...me?" Madara asked.

" **Not yet.** " Zetsu replied, smirk ever-present in his voice if not on his face. " **I take it you have read the tablet, deep within the Uchiha grounds? It was written by the Sage of Six Paths himself.** "

He neglected to mention the part where he had scribbled fake stuff _all over_ said tablet.

"The true master of the Ten-Tails is he who wields the Rinnegan." Madara quoted. "But there is no Ten-Tails, and I have never heard of the Rinnegan."

" **I can describe it's powers to you, if you would like.** " Zetsu told him, offhandedly. " **They are varied and powerful, and I didn't see the need to write them down. In essence, the Ten-Tails is the _true_ Bijuu. It was split into the nine tailed beasts by Hagoromo, to be one day united by someone worthy of them. Someone like _you._** "

Slowly, Madara lowered his sword. "...But if you add up one through nine tails you get-"

" **Forty-five, yes, I know. It's exponential.** " Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"That seems highly unintuitive-"

" **You're in a cave on the moon, talking to a shadow spirit, while two factions of white-haired maniacs wage a war with a giant glowing eyeball above you, and you're getting hung up on high-school algebra?** "

An explosion from high above punctuated his point, and Madara huffed. "Fair enough."

" **Look.** " Zetsu tried. " **You have an opportunity here that none before you have ever even come close to.** " Or rather, many generations had, and Zetsu had just kept fucking it up. He neglected to mention that part.

"If I do this," Madara asked, "I can save the world?"

" **When you activate the Infinite Tsukiyomi...** " Zetsu smirked. " **Nobody will ever have to suffer again.** "

Madara looked down. With a flourish, he sheathed his sword. "Very well. How do I obtain the Rinnegan?"

 _ **Yesss...finally**. _" **It will not be easy.** " Zetsu told him. " **Your friend and rival, Hashirama Senju. He is both the key to your victory, and the greatest obstacle in your way.**

 **You will have to take him inside you, without allowing him to do the same.** "

"...Oh, no problem then." Madara shrugged. "He always lets me take charge in the bedroom."

Zetsu blinked, and re-evaluated his understanding of modern language. " **Um.** " He said. " **I...think there may be a small misunderstanding here.** "

* * *

 **Present day**

Shards of reinforced ceramic fell through the air, as did the man who had just been wearing them.

Tobi crashed through three of his own summoned trees before finally falling on his ass on a large stone outcropping, one of many in the wasteland created by the Bijuu-Bomb collision barely a minute prior.

He looked up, and sighed. "Well, shit. Now we have to do everything the hard way."

Naruto gave him a once over. Funny scars on one side of his face, short black hair...yeah that was it. Other than the Rinnegan and Sharingan (which everyone already knew about), he didn't look all that special.

"Well." Naruto shrugged. "Glad that revelation didn't turn up anything important-"

" _Obito?_ " Gasped Kakashi, from his left.

"Oh, son of a bitch..."

"Yeah, fucking congrats, Kakashi." Said someone who's name was Obito (apparently) as he stood up and stretched. "Really fucking astute of you. 'Hey, I wonder who this guy is that Hinata says is scarred on one half of his body! And has the twin Sharingan of the one I have! The one I got from _Obito Uchiha_! What a coincidence! Guess we'll never know!' This is one of the smartest ninja in Konoha, guys."

Kakashi looked genuinely shaken. "You...but you're supposed to be-"

"Dead, yeah, like ninja don't fake-die every other Tuesday." Obito pinched the bridge of his nose. "My alias was Tobi, Kakashi. _Tobi_. Literally I just took the back of my name and put it in front. Hell, if you'd asked Hinata to genjutsu across to you when she saw my face with the Byakugan, you would have known then. But you didn't think of _that_ either. But hey, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. After all..." his eyes narrowed. "You certainly weren't smart enough to keep Rin alive."

Kakashi looked away. Naruto had to shake his head and check he wasn't under a genjutsu: Hatake Kakashi, Captain Unflappable himself, had just _flinched away from an insult_.

"Kakashi?" Asked Gai, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Mind giving us an update?"

"Right. Yeah." Kakashi seemed to snap out of it, taking a breath. "Back in the third ninja war, I was on a Genin team with Obito and a girl called Rin. Course, even though we were all twelve I was an ANBU Jonin and they were ordinary Genin; I was only on the team with them because the Uchiha wanted a guard on their kid. That war being what it was, things went bad. We were under attack, Obito got half his body crushed by falling rock. Doomed, we both knew it. He gave me his Sharingan, I ran off after Rin, and...and I got Rin killed." He looked up and pointed. "None of which explains how the _fuck_ you went from _dying under a boulder_ to chilling with a Rinnegan and Wood Release!"

"I'm Obito Uchiha. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want." Obito replied.

"Oh. Fair." Kakashi allowed. "Okay, better question. Why the _fuck_ are you on the evil side?"

"Because I'm the worst." Obito replied. When that got a bunch of confused looks, he smirked. "What, you think I'm gonna tell you the reasons behind my tragic fall to the dark side? If I do that, it'll make it easier for you to Talk No Jutsu me, and that's the last thing I need right now."

"Oh, fuck, this guy's good." Naruto muttered under his breath.

"Now then, I have to begin the birthing process of a literal cataclysm." Obito cracked his knuckles. "So if you'll all excuse me..."

Naruto held up a hand. "Hey, question?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not going to insult you by implying you _actually_ expect us to do that," he asked, "so can you just get on with it and bring out the thing you want us to fight in the meantime?"

Obito smiled. "See, now you're starting to get it! Well done! Guruguru get the fuck out here."

He snapped his fingers, and a hole in space ripped open ( _oh, wow, that's a really good way to sneak things past my senses,_ Naruto thought) and out was discharged another Zetsu with a swirly face thing that mimicked Tobi's earlier mask (though perhaps it was the other way around).

Naruto immediately noticed that it wasn't just a zombie, however.

"Oh, no." He gulped. "Guys? _Yamato_ 's in there."

"Wait, really?" Tsunade winced. "Wow, that man has just had the _worst_ life. Like the child experiments, and then the brainwashing, and then the kidnapping, and now he's possessed by a walking piece of Play-Dough?"

"Yep!" Obito grinned. "I borrowed him when Kabuto said he was done." He patted the Zetsu on the shoulder. It stood there, unmoving. "I imagine by now you've realised that Wood Release isn't actually just the combination nature of Water and Earth. That, in fact, is _mud_ , and is way less cool. Wood release is the manipulation of _life itself_. And when you start combining that with the other Six-Paths stuff, you get some real _fun_ results."

"Oh, _now_ you're telling us your plan?" Jiraiya asked, skeptically.

"Evil overlord rule 47: If you _really_ want to, it's alright to explain your evil plan _after_ the fact." Obito wagged a finger. "We've already used Yamato's wood release to help build a massive Zetsu army from the Outer Path statue, and we've already turned him into a monster, so it's fine to monologue now." He smirked. "Especially since it only benefits me to play for time. Guruguru? Sicc 'em."

'Guruguru' put his hands together, and said in a crackling, broken voice: "Thousand Armed Buddha."

There was a rumbling from underneath them.

"When it's not Sharingan, it's Wood Release." Naruto groaned. "Everybody move!"

They scattered, as a giant wooden statue tore up from the ground.

* * *

Hiruzen and Minato exchanged glances. Two of the most feared and respected ninja in history were being put on the spot by a teenage girl, and neither of them looked very comfortable about it.

"You first." Hinata addressed the blond. Naruto's father, master of the Flying Raijin, arguably the strongest Hokage. (Though, between Hashirama's sheer godlike power, Tobirama's revolutionary battle strategy and arsenal of forbidden technique innovations, Hiruzen's encyclopaedic knowledge of just about every jutsu in existence, and Minato's sealing jutsu and breathtaking speed, there was an argument for _all of them_ being the strongest Hokage.) "What happened the night the Kyuubi attacked? When Naruto was born? Why weren't you _there for him_?"

Minato sighed. "Well, the first thing you have to understand is that my relationship with Kushina was kept secret. And I don't just mean 'psst, Asuma and Kurenai have been dating on and off since they were teenagers' secret, I mean actual S-rank Black-Ops secret. The only people who knew were Jiraiya (the godfather), Hiruzen (we couldn't have hid it from him if we'd tried), my three personal guard for security reasons, and...well, I suppose my genin team might have had an inkling, so Kakashi as well. But that was _it_ , and these were people that knew how to keep quiet. In public me and Kushina both acted frosty towards one another, as if there was some unspoken grudge between us. I pretended I was maybe-maybe-not having a fling with Mikoto Uchiha (Fugaku was _furious_ ) and Kushina pretended she was pining after Morino Ibuki, who everyone knows is a eunuch."

"Ibuki's a-" Hinata crushed that train of thought before it could dare to provide her with images. "So, what was the point? Why hide it? It's not like you can't both look after yourselves."

"Because of the Kyuubi." Minato replied. "The Uzumaki did the best damn job they could on the seal, when they first transferred it into her, and her inheritance of the Adamantine chakra certainly helped. But there was a weakness. Naruto." He looked down, fists clenching. "It's a common belief that Kunoichi make better demon hosts. I don't know whether that's scientific fact, superstition, or some lingering sexism at work, but there is one glaring downside to using a woman to seal a Bijuu: During childbirth, the seal weakens. Someone with aspirations of stealing it could set it free with as little as a kick to the ribs. We were doing everything we could to hide the pregnancy, I even sent her off on a 'secret mission' before she started to show. It wasn't enough. _Someone_ found out."

"Someone in an orange mask." Hinata muttered to herself, recalling what Naruto had told her.

Minato nodded. "Broke through every seal and ward we placed around her, released the Nine-tails and controlled it with his Sharingan. I fought him, and if I had any technique other than flying Raijin, he would have killed me. Put a Rasengan into his back and he just shrugged it off. Never seen anything like it. I thought he had to be Madara."

"You're close." Hinata told him. Her Byakugan had been monitoring the battlefield the entire time. Reading lips at that distance was a pain, but "You were the sensei of Kakashi's team, correct? That includes Obito Uchiha."

"Well yes, but-" Minato frowned. "Obito? _Really?_ He was good, but not by Uchiha standards, certainly not by mine. And a _genin._ And I assumed he was dead."

"Fucking Uchiha..." Tobirama muttered, from one side. "Always the fucking Uchiha..."

"I assumed Neji Hyuuga was evil. We learn." She shrugged. "So did he kill you?"

"No, he ran." Minato replied. "Issue is, while I was busy with him, the Kyuubi was going ham on my village. On his way out, Obito (if that's who it was) sent the Fox after Kushina." He shook his head, smiling sadly. "That woman...dying without her Bijuu, fresh out of childbirth, she was still able to protect Naruto. Restrained the Nine-tails with the chakra chains for a critical few seconds."

"I've always held the Uzumaki in the highest esteem." Hashirama asserted, respectfully. "Love those guys. Your wife sounds like she was an exemplary Kunoichi, Hokage-sama."

"High praise coming from you, sir. Thank you." Minato nodded his head to his forebear. His eyes narrowed. "I was left with a split second decision to make. I had _some_ fuuninjutsu that could temporarily restrain the Kyuubi, but nothing can hold Bijuu indefinitely except the Jinchurikki sealing, and I couldn't do that alone. Even if I could, who would be the host? Trying to hold it in someone unprepared can be disastrous (we all know what happened to the Hidden Cave village), and Kushina was the last Uzumaki in Konoha.

Or, at least, she _had_ been."

"Of course. You had a perfect Jinchurikki-to-be right there." Hinata glared. "Just lying on the ground, bawling next to his _dead mother_."

"Do you think I enjoyed it?" Minato asked. His voice was still perfectly calm and smooth, barely even a hint of menace. But she imagined he could retain that tone while slitting someone's throat. "Consigning my son to the company of a monster for the rest of his life? Painting a target on his back for whoever had just attacked me, leaving him an orphan? But I had to make the choice that saved the most lives." He sighed, crossing his arms. "I used the Reaper Death Seal. Sacrificed my soul. Split the Kyuubi in half, sealed one half deep within him and left the other just touching the surface. Passed off the key to the seal to a Toad summon, told it to give it to Jiraiya. The plan...well. I can hardly call it a _plan_. The _hope_ was that it's chakra would slowly begin to bleed through once Naruto took up ninja training, that he could learn to harness it, maybe even co-operate with the Fox, though that's never been done before. I cut it in half both to weaken it and slow its progress in freeing itself, and in a last-ditch attempt to save Naruto should anyone attempt to steal the upper half."

Hinata nodded. "Hm. Well, actually, turns out that all worked perfectly."

"Oh, awesome, go me." Minato glanced sideways to his predecessor. "I also hoped that he would be viewed as a hero by the village, their bulwark against the demon. How'd that one work out?"

Hiruzen, to his credit, stood tall. He didn't slink away, cough awkwardly, try to make light of the situation or garner sympathy. "Ask, Hinata. I will answer."

So she did. Fists shaking by her sides, she asked the question she'd been meaning to ask since she was seven years old. "Why was Naruto treated like a monster by the village? Why did everyone despise him? Cheat him? Beat him? Why was the bare minimum done to protect him? Why was Jiraiya, his godfather, not there to protect him? Why were _you_ not there? Why was he left _alone_?"

Hiruzen looked her in the eye. "I believe that you may already know. Have you ever noticed, in the early days, how quick he was to respond to positive reinforcement?"

"He was practically euphoric at the slightest shred of real respect." Hinata agreed, through gritted teeth.

"Precisely." Hiruzen nodded. "It was decided that a life of loneliness and abuse would make him more easily manipulated when the time came to use him."

Hinata _moved_ , and her palm was resting on Hiruzen's forehead, and she was suddenly radiating more killing intent than anyone else in the room.

"He is a _Person_ you _sick fuck_." She snarled.

"Hinata..." Orochimaru warned, looking genuinely afraid.

"I completely agree." Hiruzen replied, calmly. "I pushed for Naruto to be recognised as a hero, to be allowed to wear his father's last name with pride. But after the attack, the people were terrified and grieving. Danzo and his ilk were pulling strings in the background, and as I was retaking the position in my old age, there were many who doubted my suitability as Hokage. I was rebuffed, and had to remain silent or risk losing my position."

"Then you should have pushed _harder_." Hinata bit out.

"You're right again." He admitted. "There is much I should have done. Most specifically, I should have killed Shimura Danzo _long_ before that night. I should have told the Raikage that I was having none of his pathetic attempts at deception; that he had sent kidnappers into my city and I had no intention of giving him any sacrifices from the Hyuuga clan. I should have told the Uchiha that I knew damn well what they were up to. _Publicly_. That if they wanted a confrontation they could come and challenge me for my position directly, instead of their cloak and dagger horse _shit_."

Spitting that last word out, he sounded almost as furious as Hinata felt. "Then why didn't you?" She demanded.

"Because I was weak." Hiruzen replied, simply. "Because Danzo had been my friend since childhood, because I had taught Fugaku and many others like him, because we had a tenuous peace with hidden Lightning I didn't want to jeopardise. Because I was unwilling to kill them when there was a chance I could 'talk no jutsu' them instead. And they knew that, and so they were able to get away with what they wanted." He sighed. "Make no mistake, Hinata. Being good is _hard_. When you align yourself with the light, you make yourself appear _non-threatening_. You refuse to access avenues of victory that your enemies will hurtle down without a second thought, and thus you put yourself at a disadvantage. My aspirations were high, but I was not strong enough to reach them, and I was too blinded by my mercy to take the low road. Instead, I forced others to pick up those burdens. Others like your cousin. Make no mistake, if a clan had to be massacred, I should have gone out there and done it myself."

"...Danzo was weaponising the Kotoamatsukami." Hinata said. "It's possible that he-"

"I won't try and 'cry Genjutsu'." Hiruzen snorted. "Danzo would never have dared to try that trick on me; he was always _acutely_ aware of how far I could be pushed. I have no excuses, Hinata. Only apologies."

She lowered her head. There were tears in her eyes. "Do you have any idea what it was _like_ for us?" She hissed. "How much we _hurt_?"

"I followed Naruto at least once a week. And sometimes followed you following him. Checked in on Sasuke, too, once in a while." Hiruzen said. "I know it was no help, but I made myself see everything that you went through. I deserved worse. If you decide to put me back in the Reaper's stomach, I will not protest."

Hinata stood there for almost a full second (which, at the speed they were all conversing, was practically an eternity). Then she shook her head, and pulled her hand away, stepping backwards. "No. I'm done with vengeance. And we didn't just pull you all out for a chat."

She looked at all of them. "We've got two incredibly powerful Uchiha to kill."

" _Yes_." Tobirama breathed.

"Orochimaru, go to this location." Hinata tossed a genjutsu of a map at him. "The Kage are there. Still alive, but barely. Fix them up, get them back on their feet, get them to the warfront."

"Do I _look_ like a medic-nin?" He gave her an offended look.

"You're a genius who's doctorate level in at least five different subjects. You have Wood Release, Senjutsu, the second biggest jutsu arsenal in this room, and your arms back." She deadpanned. "I'm sure you'll manage."

"Hmph. Fine." Ego satiated, he vanished.

"As for the rest of you," she turned to the Hokage. "I'm...fully aware that I'm in no position to give you orders, my chances aren't super against any one of you in a straight fight. But, uh, the fighting's sort of that way." She pointed. "You're looking for the explosions and the giant monsters. Do what you want, I guess."

Hashirama smiled in a very Naruto-like way. "Well, I appreciate the freedom. Fellow Hokage?"

"Fuck yeah I want to kill some Uchiha."

"If my village is in danger I will always rise to protect it."

"Damn right I'm down. Obito's my student, my problem."

"Then let's do this!" Hashirama cracked his knuckles. "I hereby officially reform Big Dick Squad!"

There was a pause, in which Tobirama slammed his palm into his face. "Brother. Why."

"If they're on my team they're on Big Dick Squad. Them's the rules."

"You've been doing this since the Warring States period, come on, bro-"

" _TO BATTLE!_ "

Three of the Hokage vanished from the room.

Minato, however, paused, turning to stare at Hinata for a long moment.

"Did I miss something?" She asked.

"Hm? Oh, no, it's just..." He chuckled. "It's good to see someone so concerned for my son's wellbeing."

"If I don't get outraged on his behalf, who will? Certainly not him." Hinata smiled. "None of us deserve him...Hiruzen may have been too weak to pull off the high road, but I assure you Naruto is not. Oh, fuck, speaking of his well-being, we'd better get moving."

"What's wrong?" Minato asked.

"We took too long." Hinata sighed, summoning the Vishnu and it's wings. "Our two enemies have come together."

* * *

The Ten-Tails _roared_.

Perhaps it was wrong to call it such; it wasn't fully manifested yet, but it would clearly be wrong to call it the 'Gedo Mazo' anymore. With the Kyuubi chakra (half of it, at least), the statue was now moving. It was crying out, growing, changing. It was _alive_.

Behind Obito, there was a series of explosions as the Thousand Armed Buddha continued to wreak havoc upon the Konoha ninja, and he sighed.

"Come on, hurry up..." he muttered to himself.

There were three different reasons he could have been saying that, and one of those possibilities came first.

With a thunk, Madara Uchiha's boots dropped onto the stone behind him.

"Sup, boss. Good to finally meet you. How're the Kage?" Obito asked, not looking up.

"Not very well, at the moment." Obito could feel the killing intent radiating from the man. "What's going on, Obito?"

"Yes, thanks, it is good to see me too, how nice of you to say..." Obito straightened, and turned to face the man who owned him. "I had to improvise. There was a problem."

"Let me guess." Madara scowled. "Were you related to the problem?"

"Not biologically, nor carnally, but we were sorta having a little 'fling'. Secret Rendezvouses in caves, plans for world domination-"

"Cut the nonsense." Madara warned him. "Edo Tensei rather than Rinne Tensei. An incomplete Ten-Tails. You're only wielding one Rinnegan. What's. Going. On?"

"Calm down." Obito rolled his eyes. "Curb your suspicion. It's not like I could ever betray you..." He turned back to the Juubi. "A guy had already rezzed you with the Edo Tensei before I got the Rinnegan. He's dead now, don't worry. I figured I'd use the opportunity and work with him, since I was up against the entire damn planet."

"You could have resurrected me anyway."

"I could have."

"Then why haven't you?"

Obito bit back the retort, and the killing intent that would come with it that might get him murdered. Instead, he focused on forming a reply that would convince the genius demigod. _If he orders me to cast the Rinne Tensei right now, I'll have to obey. Fuck that._

"Risk Management." He said, simply. "These people are dangerous, even to people like me and you. Particularly the Uzumaki boy; he's developing new powers practically every second, and when I ripped half a Bijuu out of him he was just fine. If I'd rezzed you before the war you'd have been alone against the world, mortal, and still down two Bijuu. If I rez you now, you're alone against the entire world, mortal, with no Bijuu at all to draw upon." He pointed back to the Ten-Tails. "We have less than a minute before that thing matures. I don't want to risk blowing all this before that happens."

"Your proposition?" Madara asked, showing no inclination for or against.

Obito gestured back the other way, at Naruto Uzumaki. "We kill his ass, put the rest of the Kyuubi where it belongs, and kill as many of them as possible while _you_ can still fight risk-free. Then we sicc the Ten-Tails on anyone left, I tell you where I put the other Rinnegan, rez you with Rinne Tensei, you mantle the Juubi, GG."

Madara stood there for a full second. Then said "Fine. What are we waiting for?"

Obito smiled a brittle smile, relieved. "Nothing. Now we-"

" **Bad news, gentlemen.** "

Obito froze as the sickening, lazy voice came from behind him, sounding for all intents and purposes like it was right in his ear. Turning, he saw his shadow, stretching out behind him in the dim light of the late evening. There was a grin and two yellow eyes floating in the darkness.

"Zetsu." He grit out. "I gave you a job."

" **Master**." Black Zetsu acknowledged, looking at Madara, then " **Pawn.** " at Obito, his smirk widening. **"You did, but I was bored and you were in trouble. Yes, I was following the Byakugan girl as you instructed. Therein arose the problem. She has used the Edo Tensei to ressurect the first four Hokage. They are on their way now**."

"What?" Obito hissed out loud. "That isn't-" He paused, and sucked in a breath. "Rule one of being a ninja; never assume anything is impossible." He turned to Madara. "See why I was being cautious?"

"Oh, no, it was a wise decision." Madara flexed his shoulders. "I suppose that the fools and weaklings I fought before were warmup enough for some _real_ Kage. Prepare yourself."

"Preparing." Obito tossed over Madara's war fan, which he caught without looking back, before asking, "Right, question. If I'm going to be fighting Hashirama, can you tell me how to recognise his Wood Clones?"

Madara tensed. "That won't be necessary. I will deal with him myself."

"Yeah but the whole 'duplicating himself' business will make it pretty hard for you to isolate him." Obito pointed out. "They say you were the only one who could ever tell his clones apart from the real him. We have the same dojutsu, I should be able to do it too. We're playing it safe, right?"

Madara scowled. He looked away, and muttered something.

Obito tilted his head. "What?"

"...'s h...ck b...r." The legendary Uchiha repeated, slightly louder.

"Come again?"

"He makes his dick bigger!" Madara snapped, glaring at nothing in particular. If Edo Tensei summons could blush, he probably would be.

Obito stared. "...Excuse me?"

"It's easy enough to tell if he's standing next to one, the bul...it's visible, through the armour." Every word seemed to be physically painful for Madara to say. "When he creates the clones he makes them exactly identical to him; except their dicks are a few inches bigger."

"But... _why_?" Obito asked, genuinely confused.

"Because he was a _fucking idiot_." Madara snarled. "He could make them completely identical to him if he wanted, but _no_. Deliberately weakening himself for the sake of a joke...it was the kind of thing he _always_ did, and I despised it. Things like stopping in the middle of the fight to crack a joke, wasting time shouting overly long jutsu names, he...he just made a _joke_ out of everything he did."

Obito, through great effort, was able to stop himself laughing.

"I was only able to get him to take the fight seriously once in his entire life." Madara gripped the war fan so tightly Obito was worried he might snap it. "And that was on the day he killed me."

There was a very dramatic pause.

Obito nodded. Then said "Surely...in order to have a frame of reference to notice that...you'd have had to, like, actually see his-"

"We're moving on now."

"Like, clothes _off_ -"

"Go and _Fight_ , Obito."

Obito obeyed.

* * *

"AAAAAA-"

"Focus! Naruto!"

"Right, sorry!"

Naruto summoned another five shadow clones, as the set he had defending his teammates had all gotten themselves popped.

A small part of him was very amused that his teammates included his two senseis, the most fearsome taijutsu specialist in Konoha, and the current Hokage, and that _he_ was currently the one pulling all the weight in the fight.

That part of him was overwhelmed by the more pressing _Hagoromo's Left Testicle, Yamato, since when could you do_ this _!_

The Buddha had a thousand arms (with which it would slap the shit out of anyone that got close) and five heads (which were constantly spewing out blasts of all five elements) and it was _almost as big as his Kyuubi transformation._ Yamato did not have the chakra nor the affinities to do this, which meant that whatever strange thing was attached to him, it was powering him up. _Can the other Zetsu do this? How the-no, focus, fight it now, theorise later._

"I think I can take it!" He shouted. "If I can Rasengan barrage it it'll go down, but I'll need y'all to distract the heads! But, dammit, we need to get past it, not kill it! This is taking too long!"

He could feel the chakra emanating off the Gedo Mazo. Or more appropriately, the thing that it had become. For the first time in...maybe _ever_ , he was fighting something with a bigger chakra dick than him. _No, I'm not concerned by that. Not at all._

 **Want to activate the avatar again?** Kurama offered.

 _I'm worried they'll just pull me out, or find a way to get in. Power Ranger effect; it's great against big things and crowds, not so great against powerful little things. And, yeah, there's Obito coming back to fight._

 ** _We still have sage mode, right?_**

 _Only for so long. I'll set more clones running to absorb some more chakra._

The situation was rapidly approaching dangerous levels of hopeless. Naruto jumped in front of a blast of fire aimed at a recovering Tsunade, expanding a chakra-hand from his cloak ( _hey, I can do that in small mode now!)_ to catch it. It slammed into him and he grimaced, sliding back along the ground, then looked up in fear as about twenty of the Buddha's hands curled into fists, streaking downwards towards him and making him flinch _this is gonna hurt-_

There was an explosion, and a notable absence of an impact.

Naruto opened his eyes to see a flash of pink hair, and a hailstorm of wooden splinters being blasted away from him.

Sakura Haruno turned around, shaking out her fist, and gave him a flat look. "Honestly, I'd hoped you'd have become at least a _little_ less of a dumbass." She told him. The seal on her forehead matched Haku's and Tsunade's, fully matured. "How many times do we have to tell you you _don't have to do this alone_ before it gets through your thick skull?"

Naruto gave her a relieved grin. "Well, I _was_ too dumb to notice you coming up behind me, so-"

He stopped, blinked, and turned around, as he started actually using those Sage-Kyuubi senses to focus on things other than the immediate threats.

What he saw was tens of thousands of ninja charging in from the wasteland behind him.

Ino, Shika, Cho, Tenten, lee, Darui, _everyone._ Because of _course_ they were.

"Sasuke, I could _kiss_ you." Naruto breathed, before breaking out into laughter. The Zetsu, alone, weren't really that strong. When all the reanimated ninja vanished (and with Naruto's clones assisting) clearing up the remnants of the army would have been a piece of cake. And now, they were all here.

 _Kyuubi? I have a crazy idea._

 **Oh, Sage. What now?**

Naruto summoned a few dozen clones, and sent them out to meet the approaching reinforcements. Then he turned to his saviour, smirking. "Hey, Sakura. Speaking of not doing this all by myself. Wanna hold hands~?"

Her eyes narrowed. "What kinda question-"

"Just do it. AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU!"

Backing out of range of the Buddha (with Obito watching in amusement from atop it), Naruto linked himself with Sakura, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi and Gai. Further back, his clones started doing the same thing with every ninja they could reach.

"Alright, guys. Fair warning: I have _no idea_ if this is going to work." He closed his eyes. _How much chakra we got left?_

 **Just switched to the untapped Yin half, remember? We have chakra for days.**

 _Chakra for days?_

 **Chakra for days.**

 _Then let's use it. Remember how you said you could share it freely between the shadow clones?_

 **...Oh, you _are_ crazy.**

 _No more complaining, HEAVE-_

A simplified, weaker red aura sprang up around him. Then he let it spread across to Sakura, and Tsunade, and all the others, as his clones began to do the exact same thing with the rest of the Shinobi Alliance.

There wasn't one ninja in ten that didn't gasp as the Bijuu chakra coursed into their system.

"Holy-" Sakura muttered,

"Fucking-" Jiraiya breathed.

" _Shit_." Tsunade exclaimed, as Naruto amped _literally everyone in the alliance_ with a one-tail cloak, buffing their chakra, speed and strength by about twice what the average ninja had (with a little extra for the people he knew personally.)

 **Alright, assholes!** Kurama roared in all their heads. **Hope that's enough stimulation for you all to get it up! Who's ready for round two?**

"Why does he have to _phrase_ it like that?" Sakura groaned.

 **We have four targets; the Buddha, Obito, Madara, and the Ten Tails. The last one is the primary objective, the first three are defending it, and the second two will kill anyone who wasn't Kage level before the amp. Think you can distract Woody for us so we can get in there and do our jobs?**

There was a _roar_ of approval from the army, who began running forwards.

 **That's what I thought!**

"LET'S DO THIS, LOSERS!" Naruto called out. "FOR KONOHA! FOR THE WHOLE DAMN SHINOBI WORLD! FOR _FREEDOM_!"

"THIS IS THE MOST YOUTHFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN!" Gai was literally crying.

"I regret...So many of the choices I have made." Obito sighed. "Madara? Come help me with this?"

Madara rolled his eyes, and calmly walked forwards.

* * *

 **New characters means new characterisations, and you'll notice that Madara's is mostly 'sick of everyone else's bullshit'.**

 **I hope this chapter did a good job of highlighting what everyone's plans are, why they're acting the way they are, and who's doing what where. Next chapter is where the real fighting starts. Also, fuck, Naruto just has a shitton of chakra doesn't he? Like, it's not even funny. I'd be interested to read a work where a certain character has literally unlimited magical power, but is limited in how much of it they can output at any one time, so has to just try and find the best way to use as much of it as quickly as possible.**

 **Oh, wait, that's literally just Naruto. My bad.**


	84. Who's Killing Whom?

**Take a shot every time the author says 'roared' or some variation thereof in this chapter. You'll die.**

 **... _Aw shit, they wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't pointed it out, would they._**

* * *

 **Who's Killing Whom?**

* * *

 **Over a Century ago**

Madara was vaguely aware that the land he stood in was known as Wildrun plains. The Inuzuka tenuously owned it, and used it to train their pack tactics sometimes.

It had been a wide, open field, with a wide, lazy river winding through the middle of it down towards the coastline.

It certainly wasn't _that_ anymore.

Stones still crashed down from the newly formed cliffs, and water splashed up as Madara walked. The valley they were in was slowly filling up with water as the river above (now with a brand new waterfall) continued to flow. There would probably be a lake here in the next few days.

Hashirama Senju knelt in the puddles, with a katana, nodachi, and war-scythe stabbing into and _through_ his body, pinning him to the ground in various places. The glow of his chakra, usually the brightest thing around, was now so dim Madara's Sharingan could barely pick it out.

If Hashirama had been anyone else, he'd already be dead. As was, if someone didn't finish him in the next few minutes, he'd probably pull out all the offending implements and walk back to the village like it was no big deal.

"Wh-" he coughed. "What the _fuck_ , Madara?"

Madara narrowed his eyes, and threw a kunai into the man's chest.

"Ow, fucking hell!" Hashirama hissed. "That wasn't me memeing, asshole, I'm serious! Why the _fuck_ did you attack the Kyuubi?"

Said Bijuu rumbled to itself softly. It was stood locked in place some distance behind them, still under Madara's control. Said Uchiha rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, why should you care. It was a threat."

Which was, in fact, the reason he'd enslaved it. His plan required the use of the Bijuu, yes, but he'd only gotten the thing because he knew (as much as he despised to admit it) that he couldn't match Hashirama without its power. He'd hoped to be wrong, but no; Hashirama's ten-thousand armed Buddha had been able to throw hands with a perfect-Susanno-clad-nine-tails, tearing the landscape apart almost as an afterthought. It had been exhilarating, to finally witness his friend truly stretch his power.

Exhilarating..and terrifying.

"He was an _innocent_!" Hashirama shot back. "Sure, he's cranky, but we had a deal! He wouldn't have hurt anyone if we'd just left him _alone_! And now the Uzumaki are going to have to trap him in-" (Bored, Madara threw another kunai into his stomach.) "OW! Stop fucking doing that!" Hashirama glared up at his partner. "Why are you doing this? We have our village, we have _peace_!"

"As if this peace will last." Madara snorted derisively. "Neither of us are immortal, and the other villages are hungry, angry at how much power we hold over them. A war will break out, mark my words."

"Yeah, and it'll happen sooner now!" Hashirama tried to gesture, but struggled to even lift his arm. "You have become the violence you claim to want to eradicate! You can't wish for peace and then slap away every olive branch anyone offers!"

"Your 'olive branches' aren't enough! They never have been!" Madara snarled. "You try to convince people with your petty kindnesses, shying away from doing what is truly necessary!"

"Madara, _please_." Hashirama begged, pain in his eyes. "Don't do this. You have everything you ever wanted, are you not satisfied? Am I not _enough_?"

Madara looked down on him, impassively. "You were _never_ enough." He said, simply.

With his Sharingan active, he was able to see the exact moment when Hashirama gave up on him. When the Senju's shocked expression gave way to hard eyes and a thin mouth, and his muscles began to strain at his restrains, remaining chakra flaring as he prepared to continue the fight, to the death if necessary.

It was almost enough to break Madara. Almost.

But he fixed his goal in mind, and made himself walk forwards, marshalling chakra about his right hand until a blue-purple flame appeared. It was difficult to manifest a Lionfist without the Hyuuga's unique methods of outputting chakra from their tenketsu; but this bootleg version would be more than enough for his purposes. Apparently, he only needed a little of Hashirama's chakra for the plan to work.

He stopped in front of his friend and rival, raised the hand-

And a fist erupted from his chest.

His eyes widened, as the Hashirama in front of him ceased moving, turning to wood, as it was covered in his blood and guts.

 _Massive loss of blood and body mass. Heart currently splattered all over that rock. Brain death in approximately twenty seconds. What the..._

His eyes darted down to his target's crotch, because this couldn't be, he'd known it wasn't a Wood clone because...

 _Oh._

Madara chuckled, coughing up blood and looking over his shoulder. "I knew...I could make you really try...if I just...pushed you _far_ enough..."

"Congratulations." Hashirama's voice was like ice. "And now you've pushed too far."

Madara sagged.

And then he tore his own Katana out of the Wood clone with his left hand, his right gripping onto Hashirama's limb still sticking out of his own breast. He swung.

There was another spray of blood, and Hashirama reeled, his intact arm grabbing the stump at his other arm's elbow. He took one step backwards, growled, and twisted into a spinning kick that made a sonic boom as it cracked into Madara's cheek.

The Uchiha felt the snap, and then everything went numb. Somewhere out of sight, suddenly free from his control, the Kyuubi roared.

 _Neck broken, spine severed. Brain death in approximately three milliseconds._

But for a Shinobi, that was still time.

 _Zetsu?_ He thought.

 **...I'm here.** Said the voice, seeming to come from just behind his ear. **You have failed.**

 _No. Not yet._

 **Oh?**

Madara's hand, still glowing with purple chakra, gripped harder around Hashirama's severed arm, buried in his chest.

Excruciatingly slowly, as he collapsed, it began to drain away the residual chakra in the limb.

And Madara explained his plan.

 **Curious.** Said Black Zetsu, as time ticked down, **and why shouldn't I just give up on you here?**

Madara's head was slowly approaching the ground. His eyes narrowed. _Because I will allow absolutely nothing to stand in my way._

There was a brief moment.

 **I believe you.** Said Black Zetsu.

And then he died.

* * *

 **Years later**

The resting place of Madara Uchiha (and, not two metres to his left, Hashirama Senju) was always shrouded in darkness at this time of night. Darker still, for a shadow sat atop his coffin, the lid having been casually opened and dropped to one side.

Black Zetsu daydreamed, as he slowly fed chakra into the dead man's body. Nothing that could spark neurones in the Uchiha's brain, nor call his soul back from the pure lands; such things were far beyond the creature's scope. But certain biological processes, stimulated by new energy, were able to continue.

Zetsu had done this all night, every night, for nine-hundred and sixteen days. Not for the first time, he wished that the man had taken just a few more seconds before kicking the bucket.

But he was patient. Oh, above everything else, he was patient.

This night in particular, something very different happened.

Zetsu was jolted out of his reverie by a shudder that spread across Madara's whole body, even in his death, muscles spasming in response to a sudden change.

Hardly daring to hope, the shadowy figure reached down with what little physical form he could manifest, and drew apart one of the Uchiha's eyelids.

He was met with the briefest flash of purple swirls, before the eye returned to its ordinary white sclera and black pupil.

 _Finally. After all these years..._

Zetsu threw back his head and laughed; it risked alerting the ninja guarding the mausoleum, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had _done_ it.

Oh, he would need to find a host, of course, and that would be tricky. A ninja with the constitution to wield the Rinnegan without being killed by it. They would have to be a young child, to give them time to adapt to the eyes and vice versa. That implied the child of a prominent clan; the Uzumaki would be his first pick, but naturally he couldn't just sneak the eyes into any one of them. Intensely family-oriented, as were most clans, and they would hardly be willing to simply stand by if one of their members suddenly developed such a rare new power. An orphan, then? But bloodlines were never simply left alone, orphans would be scooped up; no, this would have to be a child born out of _chaos_.

 _Perhaps I could arrange for something remiss to happen in Uzushiogakure._

It did not matter. Ten years, a hundred, a _thousand_. There would eventually be just the right candidate to wield the Rinnegan.

And Black Zetsu would be right there when they did.

Because he was patient. Oh, above everything else, he was patient.

* * *

 **Present Day**

Naruto flipped above the head of the Buddha statue and almost died immediately.

"Can you quit with that crap?" He shouted, as one of his clones substituted with him and was promptly consumed by Obito's Preta path, and then he darted up again and swung a kick at the guy. Obito phased, and Naruto went right through him, and the Uchiha was able to get a grip on the back of his head before Gai flew in with his own kick, causing Obito to phase out again and Naruto to be released.

Behind them, a war was raging, tens of thousands of ninja all fighting against the giant Buddha statue, and the damn thing was doing a _really good job_ , with only a few of the elite able to get past.

Obito reached an arm out towards Naruto and, from his fingers, launched a storm of black-purple chains.

 _More Rinnegan powers?_

 **There _are_ way too many of those.** Kurama told him. **This is what the Statue used to grapple the Bijuu, remember?**

 _Oh, he can just shoot that outta his hand now?_

Fortunately, Naruto didn't have to worry about evading them; Jiraiya jumped up above them and hurled down some earth release sludge that knocked the chains off course.

This left Naruto free to get a bead on the ( _Ten Tails? Statue? Whatever._ ) and generate the biggest Rasengan he could on short notice, fuelling it up with senjutsu and throwing it through the air.

It was caught by Madara Uchiha.

Naruto hit the floor and gulped, as Madara used his own Preta path to absorb the technique before it could reach its target. "Hello again." Said the particularly bored-looking zombie. "I must confess, I was surprised when I finally landed a good hit on you back with the Kage and found out it was a clone. I take it you're the real one now?" He tilted his head, thoughtfully. "Yes, I think so. You have enough chakra to split among lots of yourself, but _Sage_ chakra will be a much more precious resource to you. If you made more than a few clones now you'd be kicked out of Sage Mode; and you wouldn't waste both _that_ and such a powerful Kyuubi cloak on a clone. Well, you _should_ , that would be an excellent deception if you could pull it off, but you wouldn't have."

Naruto grit his teeth. This was (technically) his second time tangoing with the man, and after the first time he was genuinely afraid. "The Kage. If you-"

"Oh, they're all alive." Madara told him, which made him make a confused face.

"Really? That sounds like an unnecessary risk for you to take."

"It would be, if they had the capacity to become a threat." Madara held out a hand. "I am a gracious God. Die now, and nobody else has to."

"Did you just call yourself a God unironically? Oh my lord, I thought I had a big ego..." was what Naruto _said_ , but internally he was shitting bricks. _Okay, think. He can catch anything we try to throw at the Ten-Statue-Tails, and I'm pretty sure he's still faster than me. How do we get through to it..._

Which was when he remembered a fairly innocuous moment a few months back when he hadn't quite killed a member of the Akatsuki.

 _Kakashi!_ He thought, letting the Kyuubi carry his thoughts to the cloak his sensei was wearing, _your Kamui thing! It's a line-of-sight no-travel-time instakill, right?_

Kakashi (busy fighting Obito with the rest of the gang) thought back _The Ten-Tails? But there's no way I can take out something that big-_

 _Chakra is not an issue!_ Naruto interrupted. _Can it be done?_

 _I...I think so!_ Came the hesitant response.

 _Wow, you sound way less cocky in your head. Alright then, link up with me!_ Naruto threw a multi-shadow shuriken at Madara as a distraction, and jumped backwards, reaching out to grab Kakashi's hand. The Jonin's chakra cloak flared tenfold, and his eyes flashed.

Obito (previously beating up Tsunade) said "Shit! They've thought of it!"

He immediately disengaged, running straight towards Kakashi who was still charging his attack.

Naruto flung another Rasenshuriken at him as a deterrent, but he was still intangible, and as he ran (ignoring everything that came in his way) he shouted "Get Naruto in the statue! I'm rezzing you the moment I'm out!" towards Madara.

The undead nodded once.

Then Obito shoulder-charged Kakashi, suddenly tangible, shoving him off course and causing the rip in space-time that had been building around the Ten-Tails to instead tear a giant hole in the empty space next to it.

And then there was another ripple, and Kakashi and Obito both vanished, leaving Naruto to stagger away with his hand empty.

There was a pause.

Naruto's eyes dragged over to Madara, and he gave a nervous smile. "Uh...we've got you outnumbered?"

"Multi Wood-Clone Jutsu." Madara replied.

"Oh motherfucker-"

* * *

Kakashi disentangled himself and kicked Obito away, crashing down onto the strange floor of _What in the ever loving hell is this?_

The Kamui dimension stretched out around him. Flat, seemingly endless, composed of nothing but metre-square cubes of stone. Some distance away, there was a moderate sized crater in the floor, and the remnants of a sand castle. He'd glimpsed the world, once or twice, in the tear between worlds created when practicing his Mangekyo technique. But never like _this_.

"Let me guess." He asked, as Obito landed in front of him. "This is where you go to jerk off to Jiraiya's books without being judged-"

"Okay, for once in your life, shut the fuck up." Obito held out a hand. "Listen to me. I'm on your side, and we can win this but only if you do something very specific _very fucking fast_."

And then he charged forwards with a kunai in his hand.

"I- _Excuse_ me?" Kakashi replied, drawing his own knife and parrying. "You-wait, you're on _our_ side?"

"Yeah, obviously." Obito hissed.

"But why are you-"

"Mind Control. Or rather, body control." The Uchiha explained. With one hand, he tapped his breast. "On my heart. Same shit Sasori had on Kabuto. Same shit they had on Rin!"

"Bullshit!" Kakashi shot back, angrily. "You expect me to believe-"

"I didn't keep trying kill Minato or escape with the Kyuubi the night I attacked Konoha." Obito started, still attacking. "I delayed any further attacks for over twelve years. I counselled Nagato to delay even longer than that. I manipulated the Mizukage Yagura to stop him attacking Konoha, and made him so obviously evil they'd have to assassinate him! If Zabuzza hadn't fucked up, the Bloody Mist wouldn't have lasted more than five years!"

" _Yagura_ was planning to-"

"I stopped Danzo from taking over the world _dozens_ of times, I didn't kill Hinata when she killed Deidara, I didn't kill Naruto at the Kage summit!"

"You said you were waiting to draw out Killer B!"

"Yeah, that was the excuse!"

Kakashi kicked Obito in the chest and paused. "Huh. Wait yeah, that would have been a really stupid thing to do. We were all weak from fighting, and we planned to hide B away anyway-."

"Yeah no shit!" Obito shouted, clearly very annoyed. "And then I've managed to not kill any of you all war, and, most damningly, I've failed to kill you _now_ even though we both know I'm leagues more powerful than you!"

Kakashi blocked a great fireball with an Earth wall, and thought about it.

Then he said "Oh my God you are still a good guy."

"Yeah! Thank you!" Obito shouted.

"But I thought after I killed Rin-"

"Motherfucker I had the Sharingan on! I saw her literally asking for it! I'm _pissed_ , sure, but I'm not gonna 180 on my morales and try and doom the world!" Obito literally fought Kakashi off with one hand while he used the other to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Look, I'm telling you all this because I'm finally away from Madara and Black Zetsu, who are the ones who can give me direct orders I have to obey, and, funny thing, they _are_ trying to doom the world!"

Kakashi shook his head. "I...fuck."

"What? Any more problems?"

"No, it's just..." the albino couldn't help but laugh. "It's good to see you again."

Obito grinned. "Yeah, likewise. Okay, listen up; I need to become the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails."

Kakashi's eyes widened. "Okay, now I have a problem."

"I figured you would, but listen very closely." Obito tossed his kunai, which Kakashi dodged, and manifested a Rinnegan Rod in his hand instead. "Madara is out there right now. He's got a bazillion powers and he regenerates from everything. He's already demonstrated against the Kage that he can escape from any sealing jutsu you throw at him. The only thing you have that _might_ work is the Reaper Death Seal, but nobody's strong enough to use that on him except _maybe_ Naruto, who doesn't even know it. Madara can and will kill your entire army man by man if he has to. And hey, speaking of Naruto: By now, he's fucking _dead_ , and the Ten-Tails is gonna be born completed any second. We're fucked."

Kakashi felt a stab of pain at the thought of his student. "And your plan helps how?"

"Black Zetsu loves to talk." Obito chuckled. "The Ten-Tails Jinchurikki gets something called Yin-Yang release, and that comes with a power called the Truth Seeking Orbs. They punch through anything, and most importantly, they stop any kind of regeneration. If I mantle the Juubi, I'll be strong enough to beat Madara, and have more than enough powers to kill him properly. Should be able to kill Zetsu in the bargain too."

"And when he's dead? And you're a god among men?" Kakashi asked.

Obito's expression turned grim. "Then I use the Rinne Tensei. I'm bringing Rin back, and if I can, everyone who's died in this war along with her. And then I'll be dead, and this world will finally be rid of all our bullshit." He met Kakashi's eyes. "I'll even prioritise your kiddies if you want. But trying to become the Ten-Tails is something I've been expressly forbidden to do, so none of that's going to happen unless you can punch the fucker out of my heart right now."

Kakashi thought about it. Nodded. "This is a terrible idea...fuck it, Alexa, play 'You Give Love a Bad Name'."

"I...I don't get it."

"Don't worry about it, just get your ass over here!"

* * *

Naruto was not feeling very cash money at the moment.

"Hey, trying to deal with someone who creates a bunch of duplicates is a _massive pain_!" He shouted, at nobody in particular.

"Oh, really?" Tsunade shouted back. "Is it annoying to deal with people who abuse clones, _Naruto Uzumaki_?"

He ignored her, instead jumping up to punch one of the Wood Clones in it's Susanno's face. That staggered the tower-sized avatar, but didn't shatter it, so Naruto landed on the floor and stretched out with his chakra chains, wrapping around one foot and tugging. The behemoth fell, and another Naruto clone jumped in underneath it, holding up a Rasenshuriken. The Wood clone impaled itself on the technique as it crashed down, and dissolved into so much plant matter.

The real Madara, waiting by the Juubi, made another one, and it moved to join the fight.

"This isn't working!" Jiraiya stated the bloody obvious, preoccupied with his own opponents. Each of them, at any given moment, was fighting at least two at once. "He's just screwing with us!"

Naruto growled. "And we can't exactly whittle his chakra down, he has as much as he needs. I'll try and break through the clones! Be ready to capitalise! If you can disintegrate him, I can use my chains to keep him that way, at least until Kakashi comes back!"

"You think we can just trap him wherever Kamui sends stuff? Will that work?"

"I'm accepting better ideas?!"

Nobody gave one, so Naruto narrowed his eyes and focused.

The next Susanno-clad clone to attack him also got punched in the face. But this time the fist was bigger than its head.

Naruto's Kyuubi avatar roared, towering over its opponents and knocking them left and right with abandon. He bit down on one, swung it about in his jaws until it began to fall apart, and swung the remnants at another, before spinning and batting four of them away with his tails. They went flying, and when he turned back, there was a Bijuu bomb charging in his mouth; the projectile engulfed the squad of clones in fire.

He didn't bother checking their condition, charging straight towards the real Madara with every intention of pummelling him the dirt.

Madara snorted, and flashed blue.

 _Oh, come on. I was really hoping I'd just messed up the size estimation..._

" _That_ is his Susanno?" Tsunade looked up at the weapon that had decimated the not-quite-five Kage. And then she looked higher, and higher, and higher...

(Okay, trying to get a good sense of scale can be pretty hard for these things, but like, imagine the Kyuubi, right? Really big. Bout as high as the cliffs of Konoha while on four legs. Well that's what Naruto's avatar was doing now, and he barely came higher than this megazord-looking-motherfucker's _knees_.)

He craned his neck upwards and fired off another Bijuu bomb towards it's head, but Madara just pulled up his Susanno's sword and unsheathed about a kilometre of it, deflecting the projectile away. Then he resheathed it and literally _bitchslapped_ the Kyuubi's face, knocking it to the ground. Kurama howled in rage, and Naruto was doing something similar, but as they tried to get up Madara grabbed the Fox by the throat and lifted it up to his eye level.

Which, since he was floating in the middle of the Susanno's head, meant that Naruto was literally dangling miles above the ground.

"Hey! I can see my house from here!" Naruto reacted, pretty much instinctively.

Madara smiled, his other hand on his sword's hilt. Then he brought the hand up, punched right through the heart of the golden avatar, and grabbed Naruto.

The Uzumaki gasped as he was crushed on all sides, and ( _sick of this happening-_ ) he was yanked straight out of the Fox shell. And then, still smiling, Madara pulled the arm back, and _threw_ him across the battlefield.

The acceleration broke most of the bones in his body and concussed him. Kurama healed that easily enough, which left him fully cognisant of the fact that he was going on a trip, like a fucking rocket ship, flying through the sky, little Einstein style.

The stars were beautiful tonight, and he was moving at a hell of a pace, and with the ground so far below, he could see everything going on below him, lights twinkling from the attacks of tiny little ninja all the way on the floor.

It was...really kinda fun, actually.

Guess who came along to ruin it?

A barrage of wire flew up towards him, wrapping around his midriff. He slowed, then stopped, as the wire groaned under his momentum, and then he found himself being yanked backwards and down.

His senses told him exactly what was going on, but he just sighed and let himself go limp, as he slammed into a dark figure and was caught by a strong pair of arms.

"Well damn." Grinned Sasuke Uchiha. "Looks like you just fell for me."

"Uuuuugh. Drop me." Naruto rolled his eyes.

Sasuke acquiesced, and they both bumped fists, then immediately began running back to the battle.

"What the hell took you so long?" Naruto demanded.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't _winning the entire war_ quick enough for you?" His teammate shot back.

"Considering what we've still got to deal with? Yeah!"

"Well excuse the heck out of me! You're lucky I showed up now; I have no idea how he hasn't killed you yet!" Sasuke pointed as they ran, to where Madara's Susanno still dwarfed everything else in the landscape.

"Yeah..." Naruto frowned, touching his midriff and the suspicious absence of giant sword buried in it. "That's a really good point. Why didn't he kill me?"

* * *

Winning a fight against an opponent who was trying to lose really should not have been so difficult. Obito supposed he shouldn't be so hard on his teammate; the merger he'd done with a white Zetsu had drastically improved his body's speed and strength. Combine that with the Rinnegan's link to the statue of the Outer Path, that was even now flooding his body with Bijuu chakra, and the visual improvement of the Rinnegan itself...Itt was no wonder his body was able to keep up with Kakashi, even moving on autopilot as it was.

 _Fight the Leaf ninja._ The seal told him. _Defend the Rinnegan. Revive Madara._

 _Shut it._ He said back. _I'm the best genjutsu expert in the world, and you can fucking tell_ Itachi _I said that. Nobody controls me._

Fortunately, Kakashi was able to come in clutch. Obito kicked the Copy-Ninja up, making him somersault behind his own stone wall, before immediately smashing back _through_ said wall in a hail of rocks. The hail was enough of an excuse for Obito to briefly close his eyes, but he'd glimsed Kakashi's previous position before doing so, and the self-preservation control forced him to bring one arm up to block a kunai to his face. "You dumbass!" He shouted at the now _totally exposed_ ninja, who launched a chidori with his other hand. Obito brought his own left hand up and jabbed forwards with a Rinnegan Rod, the chakra absorbing material punching right throught the centre of the lightning blade and into Kakashi's palm.

Kakashi...popped.

 _Oh you sly bastard, I didn't even see that coming!_

The lightning clone exploded, electricity coursing through Obito's body and making him briefly spasm. While he did so, the real Kakashi (the one who had stayed hidden behind the wall) charged up in front of him with another chidori.

The seal inside him, which had spent years trying desperately to manipulate Obito, finally found itself insufficient to stop his self destructive tendencies.

The chidori blew a hole straight through his heart.

Obito blinked, as the mind control was released, and said "Yo, holy shit."

Then he gasped, both in pain, and at the presence in his mind finally being gone. "Ack...Oh, fucking _finally_."

"This better have been worth it." Kakashi panted, clearly exhausted. "I never thought killing my teammates would be something I'd come to get sick of."

"Heh. Oh, it was worth it." Obito looked up at him, and grinned.

"You always were so gullible, weren't you?"

Kakashi _froze_.

And then Obito snorted and said "Hah! Fucking got you there, didn't I? Nah chill I'm still a good guy, let's do this."

He grabbed Kakashi's arm, and space warped around them.

* * *

Obito immediately booted Kakashi away the moment they re-entered the world, before landing (in a heap. Come on, he had no heart, nobody who isn't Naruto or Hashirma can survive that) on top of the raging Ten-Tails. From it's movement, it was practically ready. _Perfect._

"HEY! LIMP-DICK!" He shouted. Madara, up in his perfect Susanno, turned around to see him, and his eyes widened. Obito grinned. "I fucking win, bitch."

"NO!" Madara unsheathed his sword and swung it downwards, but

"SIX PATHS! TEN-TAILS COFFIN SEAL!" he was too late. The blade was repulsed by an explosion of force outwards from the beast, and Obito screamed.

Energy _tore_ into his body, it felt like every cell inside him was on fire, putting the suffering the Susanno had caused to shame. The creature beneath him began to buckle and shrink, as it's very _being_ was pulled up through his hands and into his body.

It was terrifying, it was rapturous, it was more power than he'd ever felt in his life, it was...

... _wrong_.

He looked up, past Madara. There, in the distance, he could see Naruto approaching. A very _alive_ looking Naruto.

"You..." He gasped. "You didn't-"

"Seal the rest of the Kyuubi? No, I did not." Madara sighed. "You _really_ need to do a better job of hiding your emotions. You were obviously going to betray me, and frankly I don't trust Zetsu to do _anything_ right." (There was an outraged " **Hey!** " from some shadow or another.) "And since my Rinnegan isn't real, and I'm dead, I couldn't absorb the Ten-Tails before you did. Fortunately, all I had to do to stop you...was nothing."

"You, AARGH!" Obito collapsed, brain already starting to cloud. "You...You played me like a damn fiddle!"

"No, fiddles require skill." Madara replied, sounding bored. "I played _you_ like a ryo-store slide whistle. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the first Hokage, and he always pouts when I'm late."

The Susanno began to walk away, and Obito blacked out.

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke reached the battlefield just as the transformation finished, which predictably caused another explosion. "Okay, I haven't been present since we met Nagato, what's in the name of the Raikage's thunder-cock is happening?" Sasuke shouted, trying to see the figure stood in the place of the Ten-Tails through the cloud of dust and chakra.

"Obito mantled the Juubi!" Kakashi told them, jumping over. "That was their plan the whole time; to become the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails!"

"Jinchurikki of the-" Sasuke glanced across at Naruto, who was his point of reference for how overpowered that might be. "You kidding me? Nine is bad enough!"

"And the power increase is exponential." Naruto gulped, attention entirely focused on what was going on in front of him.

"But Obito's betrayed them!" Kakashi told them. "Thank _fuck_. He's planning on using it to take down Madara! He's on our side!"

"Um." Naruto interceded, as the dust began to clear. "I...don't really think he's on anyone's side."

Sasuke glanced at him. "That's a very ominous statement. What do you mean?"

Standing up in a large crater where the Juubi had once been was Obito Uchiha. He was shirtless (of course), and any hint of his previous scarring was completely gone. His hair had turned white, a cloak seemed to come _out of his skin_ around the shoulders, and there were ten black magatama markings about his neck. A black staff hung from one hand, and ten black orbs floated in a circle behind his back. His eyes opened, Rinnegan and Mangekyo Sharingan burning with rage.

"He's unbalanced." Naruto explained, taking an involuntary step backwards as he got a real feeling of the chakra coming off the man. It was _enormous._ "He's only got half of Kurama's chakra."

"So he's weaker?" Sasuke guessed.

Naruto let out a very nervous laugh. "Hehe, sure. But he's only got the Yang half. And he has no way to regulate it, it's all up in his system."

"Which _means_?" Sasuke pressured.

"Yang is light, but it's also confidence, masculinity, aggression. An overload of Yang does the same thing it did to _me._ Makes you enraged, overconfident, unthinking." Naruto gulped.

"A picture perfect demon host."

The Jinchurikki of the imperfect Ten-Tails took one look at them, and _roared._

* * *

A few dozen miles away, Hinata paused in her mad flight to the battlefield, and said "Oh, shit."

"Something wrong?" Asked Hashirama, from her left.

"Yep. We're gonna need more power." With that, Hinata turned ninety degrees, and began flying as fast as she could towards a very specific location.

* * *

 **Kishimoto, looking up from his computer: "Oh, goddamit, he's taking liberties again!"**

 **Yeah. This is my Black Zetsu, this is my Madara backstory, and this is my Obito. I'll be taking a page out of Kishi's book and adding more flashbacks as we go on to demonstrate more of what was going on behind the scenes.**

 **For now, though, we have the quickest heel-face-heel turn since Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi. I explained as early as the timeskip that Naruto's rage-mode while channeling the Kyuubi was due to his chakra being massively unbalanced and dwarfed by the supply of Kurama, more than any active sabotage on the Fox's part.**

 **Obito, however, has to deal with both of those things; in a significantly greater magnitude than Naruto ever did, and with only one, _implanted,_ rinngean.**

 **He's fucking lost it.**

 **And now they're gonna have to fight him.**

 **Yaaaay...**


	85. Basically Just Dragon Ball Z

**Basically Just Dragon Ball Z At This Point Imma Be Honest**

* * *

 **Almost two decades ago**

Black Zetsu waited patiently in the clearing. His body was that of a standard White Zetsu, one of the few that Madara had brought out from the Gedo Mazo when he first found it. The man had been unable to bring out any more than five without the special Wood Release chakra of a Senju, of course; that had been how Hagoromo had designed it. Indra to control it, Asura to power it, neither able to wield it without the other.

As if Black Zetsu hadn't thought of ways around that within _months_ of the old man's death.

Still, five had been enough; he had been able to convince Madara they were simply artificial humans, and being able to possess willing, physical bodies on a whim had been delightful. Take now, for instance; with the right clothing and a smattering of genjutsu, he was able to disguise himself as an ordinary Suna shinobi. From there, manipulating people became so much easier.

There was a rustling in the trees around them, and four figures dropped down in front of him. Three adult ninja wearing Mist headbands, and one young girl with the iconic swirl of the Hidden Leaf Village.

Her eyes were lidded, and her posture was slumped.

"This one's awful quiet." Zetsu smirked, leaning down and putting a hand under her chin, tilting her head up.

"Seal's working like a charm." One of the Mist ninja chuckled. "Hey, bitch! Snap out of it!"

The girl's eyes snapped into sharp lucidity, and she immediately tried to bite Zetsu's fingers off. He pulled away before she could do so, which left her free to scream "OBITO! KAKASHI! I'M-"

Zetsu punched her in the face, and she shut up.

Punching people was something he had _very much_ missed, while essentially formless.

"Now now." He told her, wagging his finger in her face while she spat out a tooth. "Nobody likes a girl who doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut."

" _Whoa_ , dude." Said one of the Mist ninja, the youngest looking. "You can't just _say_ that."

"I'm sorry?" Zetsu turned a glare on him.

"I'm just saying, man, it's not the warring states period anymore. I mean, 'women should stay quiet'? You can't stereotype girls as-"

"Zabuzza." Said one of the others, patiently. "You killed your entire graduating class."

"Yeah, _indiscriminately_. I didn't dictate who I murdered based on gender, gender identity, orientation-"

"Whatever." Zetsu sighed. "What about the other two?"

The three shared a shifty look.

"We don't know." The meanest looking said. "They escaped soon after the sealing operation. One of them's an Uchiha, awakened their dojutsu. We sent a pair to hunt them down, but they haven't reported back yet. We were too busy retrieving the-"

"It doesn't matter." Zetsu dismissed. He already knew full well what had happened to the other two. "But this is the one with the Three-Tails sealed in her?"

"'This one' has a name." The girl declared, looking at him icily. "I'm Rin. Rin Nohara."

"No." Zetsu tutted. "You are Bijuu. Bijuu Host. Everything else about you is irrelevant."

"Oh, we're objectifying her now?" Zabuzza spoke up.

"Yeah, as a weapon of mass destruction!" His associate exclaimed.

"It's still not-"

" _Enough_." Zetsu held up a hand. He reached into a pocket and pulled out a scroll, proffering it to them. "As Master Sasori agreed. The knowledge of the direct-control seal is yours, provided you use your Bijuu to attack Konoha." And hadn't _that_ plan taken a long time to get into motion.

"Agreed." The meanest-looking nodded. "It's a damn good deal. Your Kage really let you get away with this?"

"We have our reasons." Zetsu smiled.

The man reached out a hand to take the scroll-

And it was severed at the wrist.

Zetsu made a show of recoiling in mock fear as the man screamed, then gargled, as a knife flashed across his throat.

Said knife was held in the hands of a small boy. A boy with white hair, a face mask, and a single Sharingan.

"Kakashi!" The girl called Rin shouted, overjoyed.

 _Aww, how nice. Dammit. We need more_ edge _. This obnoxious little Jonin shouldn't have gotten his hands on the Sharingan; he ought to be_ dead _._

Was the third teammate kinder than anticipated? Was it just practicality that had led him to give his eye away?

 _No matter. You don't scheme for millennia without picking up the ability to think on your feet._

"Rin Nohara!" He shouted, _and thank you so much for giving me your names_. "Unleash the three tails! Slay Kakashi with it, and release it upon Konoha!"

" _NO!_ " Screamed Kakashi. He finished the second Mist ninja and spun, throwing the kunai (the third, Zabuzza, had ran, hollering damnations at his Mizukage).

Black Zetsu let it land, burying in the throat of his brainless host, and quickly detached himself, slinking away as a shadow into the underbrush.

Rin was screaming, clutching her stomach, as Kakashi ran over to her, grabbing her shoulders.

"Rin!" He shouted, voice suddenly that of the twelve year old he technically was and not the ANBU agent he could be. "Rin, Rin, breathe, okay, stay with me, we can-"

"Heart." She gasped out. "Kakashi, it's on our hearts. You...you have to..."

Zetsu tuned it out. They were no longer relevant. Neither was the body he'd had to let die; out of the five Zetsu Madara had pulled out, three had now been destroyed pulling off various plans. One more was safe in his hideout, and the other...

Black Zetsu comfortably settled into the shadow of Obito Uchiha, half of his body replaced by plant matter and conveniently keeping him rooted to the spot, and prepared to enjoy the show.

In the clearing, Kakashi prepared a chidori.

* * *

 **Present day**

Naruto remembered back at the start of his first adventure into Wave, when the biggest threat he'd had to face was two (2) Jonin level combatants.

Good times.

Now he was fighting a deranged God.

"DEATH!" Roared Juubi Obito (Ooh, _Juubito_! that's a genius nickname, I'm keeping it), as he charged straight for Naruto and stabbed with his staff.

Naruto tried to substitute away, but Juubito was too fast, so by the time his clone was able to swap places with him he'd already been impaled.

So already not off to a good start.

He reappeared halfway across the battlefield and grimaced in pain, charging up a Rasenshuriken as Sasuke swung down towards Juubito with his Susanno. Three of the black orbs formed a barrier, and the purple avatar straight up _disintegrated_ on contact with it, as another black orb flew up aiming to hit Sasuke dead in his centre of mass.

Naruto redirected his throw, and the Rasenshuriken was able to collide with the orb and knock it off course, giving Sasuke just enough time to jump away. Juubito howled, his face a rictus of hatred, and gave chase.

Naruto had no doubts that if Obito's senses had been intact, everyone would already be dead. The fact that the Jinchurikki had used nothing but taijutsu and the black balls was proof enough of that.

He looked down again and his eyebrows raised; the small hole in his stomach was _still there_.

"The fuck-"

"The orbs cancel all regeneration!" Kakashi shouted. "You can't heal if you get-"

Juubito's head snapped in the direction of the sound. " _Kakashi._ " He growled.

"Oh no." Gulped the copy-ninja. "Obito, remember the plan, you-"

"KAKASHI!" Juubito blasted through the air towards him. (oh yeah, the Ten-Tails host could fly. Apparently.)

"Uzumaki Barrage!" Naruto shouted, and promptly sagged. His supply of sage chakra split itself into a thousand and became nothing, but a thousand Naruto all created Rasengan and jumped in Juubito's way.

To his horror, they barely slowed him down; one swing of the staff and a wave of dark power cut a whopping swathe through the army. Still, it was enough for Kakashi to escape the Jinchurikki's immediate notice, and hopefully to run far, far away.

"How the fuck do we stop this guy!" Sasuke shouted, landing next to Naruto.

"I don't know!" Naruto shot back. "Could we lead him to Madara?"

"We could try! Good luck kiting the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life!"

Juubito heard them, and turned his attention back towards them. "BLOOD!" He howled. "RIN! DIE!"

 _Okay, got it, nonverbal communication from now on._ Sasuke genjutsu'd across.

 _Yeah, got it._ Naruto sent through the link of Kyuubi chakra. He'd immediately buffed his teammate's reserves the moment they'd met up. _Where the most powerful thing we can do?_

 _I could set your Bijuu bomb on fire?_

Juubito started flying towards them-

 _No time. Uuh, hey, remember that one time when we smashed our brand new high risk superpowers into each other?_

Sasuke gave him an incredulous look. "Are you in-"

Juubito, blasting in from a kilometre away, charged up a swing.

 _Fine! Take my hand!_

Naruto did, focusing. He'd thought balancing his chakra with the _Kyuubi_ had been hard, but this was a whole 'nother ballpark. For one thing, wind on fire was like oil on water: They Did Not Mix. Trying to take his chakra, buff it with the Kyuubi, then apply wind release to it, then prevent that from immediately exploding the moment it came into contact with Sasuke's Amaterasu flames? Imagine trying to make a bowl of cereal, except you're not allowed to rest the bowl, milk, cereal or spoon on any surface that isn't your body. And also you have to do the whole thing in five seconds, and if you spill anything you explode and die. That's basically how hard this was.

But Sasuke was Naruto's _teammate_. And he wasn't going to fail friendship check as obvious as this one.

Crying out dramatically in unison, Naruto and Sasuke thrust the Vermillion-Amaterasu-Rasen-Kunai-Shuriken towards Juubito.

The music reached peak intensity.

And then their attack shattered harmlessly against the black surface of the staff.

The change in expression their faces simultaneously went through would have been hilarious, if they hadn't both been absolutely fucking terrified.

Their combined relative momentum continued to take them forwards, now empty hands coming within inches of the staff-

A hand clamped on each of their backs, and then they disappeared.

They reappeared some distance away, immediately landing in a heap as their rescuer let them go.

"What in the everloving-" Naruto turned around, shaking his head and trying to calm his ridiculous heartbeat after his near-death experience. And that was when he saw his father.

"Hey kids!" Beamed Minato Namikaze. "Glad to see you're both doing alright. Naruto...oh my god you've grown so much. Look at you! You're so tall now! And you did manage to make friends with the Kyuubi! That's my boy!"

"His name is Kurama, and yeah, I- _Dad_?" Naruto gaped. "How the hell are you here?"

"Edo Tensei!" Sasuke realised, taking in the cracks on the Hokage's skin. "Hinata came through for us!"

"That she did." Minato nodded, giving Naruto a wink. "Nice pull, kiddo. Smart girl, dedicated. She split off to go get someone else, not sure who else she thinks can help out. Oh, speaking of help-"

As if on cue (in reality, Minato had calculated their speeds and prepared for the exact time when they would arrive) Tobirama Senju and Hiruzen Sarutobi also appeared.

Tobirama took one look at Sasuke and scowled. "Uchiha."

"Oh, it's the racist dickhead." Sasuke scowled right back. "Yeah, my family has told me all about you, and your fucking-"

"Children, please. Focus." Hiruzen interceded, looking past them into the middle distance. There was the sound of an explosion. "I believe we have a fight to get back to."

"Ugh. Fine." Sasuke made an 'I'm watching you' gesture at Tobirama then stepped back to look at them all. "Uh. Aren't we missing one?"

"My brother is preoccupied." Tobirama replied. One side of his lips quirked upwards. "Said he has a date."

* * *

"HASHIRAMAAAAAAAAAAA!" Howled a voice from one side of the battlefield.

There was a beat, and then,

"MADARAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Howled a voice from the other side.

Tracking ritual complete, the two moved towards each other.

* * *

Hinata crashed through the roof of the castle on the moon.

"FOR THE LOVE OF HAMURA!" Screeched Toneri's voice, and he quickly staggered out of a nearby room to (not exactly) look at her. "WHAT'S GOING-"

"Hey cousin." Hinata breezed, walking past him.

"Oh. _You_." Toneri paused. Then "Did you just destroy my ceiling-"

"A little. Come with me. Hanabi's room's this way, right?" Hinata didn't stop, moving precisely as fast as she thought she could without leaving him in the dust.

"I-Alright, fine! Kami, woman, you just scared the hell out of me!"

"I'm sure you'll manage."

"Why are you here? The war's still going on down there!"

"Oh, I know." Hinata made her way up to her sister's hallway. "We accidentally awakened an ancient evil. The genjutsu on Hanabi; you said it was a Kotoamatsukami, right?"

"You awakened a-Wait, are you the reason the Gedo Mazo went-"

"It's complicated, explain later. The genjutsu?"

"I, yes, that's what those two called it when they put it on us." Toneri (looking incredibly dishevelled and off-balance) fell into step beside her. He had resorted to a blindfold again, eyes missing for obvious reasons, but one of his puppets floated along behind him, presumably working the same way Kankuro's did. "Why is it important?"

"Because I think I can break it." Hinata declared. "No, I know I can."

"But breaking the Kotoamatsukami is impossible-"

"The universe does not care what you believe to be impossible. I tore one out of my own mind less than a month ago." She smirked, reaching the door. "Breaking it won't be a problem. What might be difficult is getting it to divulge the location of my sister's eyes. HANABI! I'M COMING IN!"

"Wait, I don't-"

Hinata dramatically threw open the doors.

Sat on the bed, Hanabi Hyuuga let out a squeak at the sudden intrusion. She dropped a book (that was clue one) and looked up (that was clue two) at Hinata.

"Big sis!" Hanabi cried out. "You...you're so grown up and pretty!" Now that was clue three. But Hinata still didn't realise what was going on until clue four, which was when Hanabi started crying.

Hinata's jaw dropped, as she looked into her sister's wide, white eyes. "You...how..."

"They were there the whole time." Toneri chuckled from behind her. "Right in her sockets. Must have been the Kotoamatsukami's work, preventing me from checking there at any point."

Now Hinata was the one off-balance. "So the genjutsu's...gone? When? How?"

"Only a few hours after you left!" Hanabi explained, gleefully. "Toneri said-" (Hinata punched Toneri, who went "Oh come on are we still doing that?") "that cousin Neji said that there were a total of a hundred and twenty two different conditions for it to dispel itself! But then Toneri came in not that long ago, and I'd told him to send some puppets down to see if you were safe, and he said 'Hanabi, it's crazy! Madara's down there! And all of a sudden there was this 'snap' inside my head! And I remembered that I could see!"

"Contingencies." Toneri explained. "In case anything worse than _me_ happened, I'd be able to access the Tenseigan. I imagine they expected I could help stop it."

Hinata looked between him and her sister. "But you didn't take the eyes?"

"Of course not." He looked sheepishly down. "I'm...not sure I ever could have, even if I'd still believed in destroying the Earth."

Hinata took a deep breath. Then said "You may have to take them after all, actually."

There was a silence.

"Wh-what do you mean?" Hanabi looked at her, hurt. "I just got them back!"

Hinata clenched her fist. "I know, it's just...you weren't wrong about Madara being down there, and now someone's become the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails. None of us have the power to fight him. Not me, not Naruto, not even the ex-Hokage. But you just might." She turned back to Toneri. "With the Tenseigan you were powerful enough to take me on ten times over, you just didn't have the skill. Last I saw before getting out of range, Obito was fighting the same way; only he was actually winning. If you let me or Sasuke into your head with a genjutsu to direct your actions, you might be able to stand up to him, at least long enough for one of us to-"

"You want me to tear Hanabi's eyes out just so that you can puppet me in a fight?" Toneri looked furious at the concept.

"You can use _mine_ if you really want to!" Hinata waved an arm in an ambivalent gesture. "I don't care! It's not a long-term consequence and I'd take it even if it was, but right now, if we don't win this? There's a decent chance that our entire planet will be destroyed!"

"Toneri..." Hanabi spoke up, hands clenching on her bedsheets. "If...If Hinata says it's what we need to do, then-"

"No." Toneri swept a hand down. "I won't allow it. But that's _only_ -" He shot a look at Hinata, who was about to interrupt, "-because I have a better alternative."

"Which is?" Hinata demanded. "Let's be quick. Every second we waste up here is a dozen more opportunities for my teammates to die."

"Then we will be quick." Toneri spun on his heel. "Hanabi? Your bed-time is hereby delayed indefinitely. Both of you, follow me. There's something it's high time I showed you both."

* * *

Juubito found himself in a strange position wherein he had nobody to try and kill. This lasted for a period of almost five whole seconds, which for a being of his processing speed was an almost inendurably long time.

If his enemies had hoped that this time would cause him to mellow out and regain his senses, they would have been wrong.

He gripped his staff in two hands, and it began to shift and change. Condensed black chakra swirled outwards into a double helix, then extended, until it became something that resembled a sword in about the same way Samehada did. That is to say, it barely even vaguely resembled a sword, but nobody's was going to dare to tell it's owner that.

Juubito swept it up and span it around his head, before roaring out to the world in challenge.

A challenge was what he got.

"Maximum Multi-Shadow-Shuriken!"

The light from the moon seemed to dim, slightly. Juubito looked up, and saw what was causing it; falling down from above was a _storm_ of shuriken. And that's not 'storm' used for poetic effect, that's 'there was about as much steel in that air as there usually is water during a monsoon'.

Juubito swung his sword up, and a blast of pressure obliterated every projectile in a dome around him. The remainder tore down into the floor, leaving a ten metre sphere of intact ground surrounded by a field of sharp metal sticking up like blades of grass.

Some of those were shadow shuriken.

Some, noticeably three-pronged, definitely weren't.

Minato and Naruto appeared without so much as a whisper on Juubito's right, at the exact same time that Tobirama and Sasuke appeared on his left.

He wasted vital microseconds trying to pick a target, before roaring and swinging towards the largest chakra signiature he could sense (that being, the pair of blonds).

The sword bit down towards them, but was blocked by Naruto's big ball Rasengan. It quickly tore said Rasengan apart, but that gave Minato enough time to dart into his guard and bury a kunai into his throat. On the other side, Sasuke activated his Susanno and punched, but the black orbs came round to form an impenetrable wall that made the purple avatar shatter ineffectually. Tobirama vanished again, this time appearing _inside_ the shield and slapping a seal on Juubito's left cheek.

"Multi-Shadow seal." He growled, before the surface of the black shield _bent_ inwards and tore a hole through his midriff.

Then Juubito's sword broke Naruto's Rasengan. He had a brief moment of panic as he was slammed into the floor, the sword swinging towards him, and then Minato appeared next to him, grabbed him, and they both disappeared.

Then Tobirama's technique took effect, and a the seal on Juubito's cheek split in two, then so did each of those, then the first two detonated, then-

Yeah extrapolate that out a couple hundred times. The resulting explosion was probably the...third or fourth biggest in the war so far.

When it was over, the completely destroyed Tobirama regenerated (except for the hole where the black matter had stabbed him). His eyes widened, as a _completely intact Juubito_ tore the kunai out of his own throat with one hand, and swung his sword with the other.

Again, Minato teleported in, grabbed Tobirama, and teleported out again before it could land.

* * *

"You're signiature technique is _really_ _broken._ " Naruto panted, when Minato reappeared with them all a thousand metres away. "If you hadn't tagged us all at the start we'd be dead. And did you sync yours with T-bone here?"

" _His_ signiature?" Tobirama looked outraged. "I _invented_ the Flying Raijin!" His eyes shifted left and he muttered "needed a way to sneak in and out of Mito's room without getting noticed...Oh and also to kill Uchiha."

"Oh, you were cool too." Naruto allowed. "You can use the shadow clone jutsu to replicate _seals?_ I never thought to use my technique like that!"

" _Your_ technique?" Tobirama glared. "I invented that one too! Am I just being forgotten here?"

"I mean we mastered them and took them way beyond what you were capable of." Minato held a fist out; his son bumped it. "But you do get credit for the inspiration. The Shadow Clone was based on your brother's Wood Clone, right?"

"Officially." Tobirama coughed. "Unoficially...Uzumaki stamina, gentlemen. It's not easy to keep up with, even for _me._ But Shadow Clones don't get tired, and Mito was a very creative woman."

"Um." Naruto held a hand up. "Hi, real quick, question. I'm not usually good at picking up subtle wordings, but that's _twice_ you've just implied you were fucking your brother's wife. Right? Like I'm not misreading that?"

"We got the Hyuuga to join Konoha by inventing the Caged Bird Seal for them." Tobirama explained. "We got the _Uzumaki_ to partner up with us with a political marriage. And we got the Uchiha to join because Hashirama and Madara were... _real close._ " He sighed. "But Hashirama needed an heir. And Mito was _hot._ I'm not apologising, my brother knew damn well it was going on."

"Wait wait wait." Naruto held a hand up. "Are you telling me that the reason Wood Style died out wasn't because of the Senju intermarrying too much, it was because Hashirama was just hella gay?"

"...Yeah, basically."

"I love my village so goddamn much."

"Guys! Bigger issue!" Sasuke pointed out. Back in the battlefield, a bunch of Hiruzen clones were trying to pin Juubito down with a barrage of massive elemental attacks and Rashimon Gates. It wasn't working super well. "We need to find a way around the balls. They just _ignore_ anything we try and block them with!"

"Uh, not my attacks." Naruto pointed out. "I've been able to counter them a little with Rasengan and Rasenshuriken."

"Well why the hell-" Sasuke's eyes widened. "Wait. Did you put Sage chakra in the Rasengan?"

"Yeah...I did." Naruto realised. "You think Senjutsu counters them?"

"From what the Sharingan shows me-" ("Fuckin Uchiha-") "They're composed of just about every type of chakra at once. Purer than anything I've ever seen." Sasuke explained. "But if they aren't made out of _Senjutsu_..."

"That still leaves us with only Naruto." Minato warned. "I was never on Hashirama's level. I can get into Sage Mode, but it'll take me full seconds to do it."

"Actually..." Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He stared into empty space, right hand gripping Samehada tighter. "I might be able to help too."

* * *

On the battlefield, Tobirama appeared next to Hiruzen, grabbing his old student by the arm and pulling him away from a swing of the black sword. Together, they were able to teleport between all the Flying Raijin kunai in the battlefield.

"Have you gotten slower in your age?" The Senju snorted.

Hiruzen chuckled. "You know I could never keep up with you. What now, do we have a plan?"

"Part of one." Tobirama explained. "We're setting the stage for your little grandkids."

"That's all we get to?"

"Yep. They're stealing the whole show." Tobirama scowled. "Fucking ninlennials..."

* * *

Across the carnage, Hashirama and Madara finally found each other.

"Oh, hey, how's it going!" Hashirama waved, cheerfully. The sounds of battle raged around them. "Been a while, hasn't it?"

"Over a hundred years, as I understand." Madara nodded. "Or a few hours, depending on how you count it."

"Eh, still too long, I've missed you." Hashirama stretched out his arms. "Hey, random thought, remember that one time you horribly betrayed everyone you ever cared about?"

"Yup." Madara smirked. "Wanna see me do it again?"

"I'm contractually obligated to give you one last chance to return to the light side." Hashirama warned him. "I don't know what you're planning on doing with the Ten Tails, but I get the feeling it's hardly kosher. Matter of fact, I sincerely doubt it's going to make you happy."

"Probably not. But everyone else is going to _love_ it." With that highly cryptic statement, Madara pointed down his war fan. "Let's end the showboating here. You know it makes me sick."

"Oh, come on. Can't I showboat a little?"

"Sure. If you want me to kill you the way I killed you last time."

"I died from chakra exhaustion after restraining the Kyuubi long enough for them to seal it into Mito, that was at _most_ 40% your fault-"

" _Enough_. Come, Hashirama!"

Hashirama snorted. "Oh, you have definitely lost the privilege to tell me when to come at this point-"

Then Madara launched a Majestic Destroyer Flame, and Hashirama countered with a giant Wood dragon, and Madara activated his perfect Susanno and grabbed it and Hashirama entered Sage mode and-

* * *

In the centre of the battlefield, two Chunin faced off against a Genin.

...Yeah, put it like that and it doesn't sound quite as cool.

 _Okay, so you can give me sage mode how?_ Sasuke asked Samehada, as Minato teleported them right up in Juubito's firing range.

 **Not Sage Mode exactly, but something similar.** His sword replied. **Recall when we turned Kabuto into a kebab? You had me drain his Sage chakra.**

 _Wait, you still have all of that?_

 **Well I hardly throw it out! That would be wasteful.** Samehada chuckled. **I can coat myself in it so if you swing me I'll withstand the orbs.**

Naruto sprinted ahead of them with a roar, thrusting a Rasenshuriken towards Juubito. The orbs came around to block it, and the attack drilled into the defense. Juubito's sword flew down from above, but Sasuke wound up an entirely gratuitous upward swing with Samehada. There was a _crash_ , and Sasuke's arms burned, but his sword didn't break. For the first time, genuine shock passed across Juubito's face. Then the rage was back, and he swung his sword again and again.

Sasuke may have been technically able to withstand the attacks, but he was still facing an opponent an order of magnitude stronger than him; he was batted backwards, and Juubito reached downwards to grab Naruto by the throat.

He yanked up the glowing Uzumaki, and another orb swung around, and then Minato was there, grabbing Naruto by the shoulder. Juubito was ready for it this time, however. All the orbs converged on Minato's location, and a few of them managed to crash into him before he could vanish again.

When Minato dropped Naruto back off next to Sasuke, he was peppered with holes, and his flaky, dust-filled insides could be seen. "Dammit. This is messing with my chakra supply." He warned them. "Another hit and I won't be able to teleport you."

"He won't land one." Naruto looked... _angry._ "Motherfucker isn't gonna kill my Dad _again._ Sage chakra is being drawn to this guy like a magnet and I can snatch it up on the way. I'm gonna enhance the Kyuubi avatar with it. Sasuke, the moment you get the chance, cut him up."

He ran forwards, golden aura flashing and growing until a giant fox was bounding across the terrain.

"Well I'm not letting him outdo me..." Sasuke growled, standing and running forwards. _Samehada, I need to put the Sage chakra in my Susanno, can we do that?_

 _ **You**_ **can't access my chakra reserves.** The purple sword told him. **At least not-Well, you can if you mantle me. Remember what Kisame did?**

 _Oh no, I am not letting you go all parasitic on me-_

 _ **Symbiotic!**_ Samehada corrected, huffily. **And what are you complaining about? I drain your chakra to make you better in a fight. You know what else does that? Oh yes, _every other technique you know._**

 _That..._ Sasuke took a moment to think the logic through. _Huh. Yeah, okay then. Hit me._

 **Finally...** Samehada seemed far too happy about it. **What vibe are we going for?**

 _Hmm...Oni. Demon_

 **Oh, I like your style. Fair warning; this might tickle.**

It began to shift, and spread up his arm.

Up ahead, Naruto punched down with a giant fist. He clashed with the shield that formed around Juubito, and was actually able to crack it and force him down to land on the floor. Unfortunately, that just pissed him off more. His blade extended until it was almost ten times the length of his body, and he batted aside the next two punches before leaping up and swinging it into the Fox's face like a baseball bat. Naruto's avatar cracked and went stumbling, as Juubito flew above him, gripped his sword in two hands-

And took a drop kick to the face.

The impact of Sasuke's sandalled feet broke Juubito's neck immediately, but it almost as quickly repaired itself, as he tumbled back through the air and righted himself with a roar.

Sasuke landed next to a recovering Naruto, looked over, and smirked. "Yes! I'm _finally_ taller than you!"

Naruto took in his teammate's ash-grey skin covered in black markings, fingers that extended into claws, and the Sage chakra bubbling off him. Then looked up at his head and snorted. "just cause you have six inch _horns_ now doesn't mean you're taller."

"Oh, Bullshit!"

Then Juubito was coming in again, and they refocused.

His first swing met the fist of a purple Susanno, now glowing brighter and covered in black sigils, and _this_ time, the avatar withstood it. Sasuke punched him twice, then ducked, and Naruto's Fox jumped in overhead to slam Juubito down into the earth. It didn't stop him for a moment, he rocketed back up and carved a hole through the Susanno's chest on his way. Naruto tried to kick Juubito away, but he caught the foot and heaved. Almost comically (and in complete violation of any kind of momentum law, if there were any of those left) he yanked the Fox around himself and threw it away, leaving it to crash into the terrain some kilometres away. Sasuke wrapped him up in a chain of Magatama beads, but he just _flexed_ and they shattered. So he repeated the trick with the chain of Rasenkunai he'd used against Kabuto, and that at least _did_ something. The black orbs around Juubito were sent flying, and one noticeably shattered entirely, but his sword remained stubbornly between him and the attack. Just as it did when he spun around and batted away a Bijuu bomb launched by Naruto, rejoining the battle.

 **Oh, I know that sword.** Said Samehada. **It's Nunoboko.**

 _Oh yeah?_ Sasuke almost laughed at the absurd comment. _What's she like?_

 **A harlot.** Samehada snarled, with a venom that surprised him. **Thinks she's such hot shit because Hagoromo used her to fight while he was the Ten-Tails Jinchurikki. As if there was anyone _for_ him to fight. Well guess who he used when he wanted to _cut up_ the Ten Tails? That's right, you slut, _me._**

 _Uh._ Sasuke blinked. _Good to know, but how do we beat her?_

 **She can't lose a clash.** Samehada grudgingly admitted. **You'll never break her or overpower her, as far as we know. But that only lasts as long as her wielder maintains complete conviction in their actions. She'll shatter if he doubts what he's doing; but since he's enraged like this...**

 _Oh._ Sasuke understood. _Like a Sith._

 **...Come again?**

 _He's using the intensity of his emotions to maintain the conviction that what he's doing is right, like the Sith do, while the Jedi maintain that conviction because they just follow what the force tells them to, and-_ He stopped. Coughed aloud. _Sorry. Star Wars nerd. But I think I have an idea._

"Naruto!" He shouted, relying on the leftover Kyuubi chakra he was borrowing to relay his words throughout the battlefield. "You know that thing we tried that didn't work? Let's try it again!"

Naruto, showing complete faith in his teammate, simply grinned and replied "Got it!"

"And Kakashi!" Sasuke looked down and spotted his sensei, wisely staying on the outskirts of the conflict. "I need you to send me something!"

Naruto and Sasuke backed up towards each other, and linked the hands of their two avatars. Juubito once again blasted towards them through the air, winding up the Sword of Nunoboko for a swing.

Once again (this time on a much larger scale, and with a generous extra helping of sage chakra), the two created a condensed structure of chakra and detructive potential, and thrust it forwards.

Only this time, right before Juubito's attack met theirs, Sasuke met his eyes.

Now, anyone with Obito's present level of sage mode (not to mention the _Rinnegan_ ) could read through pretty much _any_ genjutsu they came into contact with, and dismiss it with barely even a conscious thought. But they would still have to acknowledge it when it landed. They'd still have to _see_ it.

Eyes straining, Sasuke bombarded Juubito with the greatest weapon he possessed.

Every happy memory Kakashi Hatake had of their time as Team Minato.

* * *

 _"Kakashi, get your lazy ass out of bed-"_

 _"Guys, look at the_ stars _tonight! Aren't they pretty-"_

 _"Well excuse me if I want to get my sleep, rest is important-"_

 _"Okay, if I beat you this time, you're paying for my dinner this evening-"_

 _"Heck yeah! I knew we could get those bells! As if teamwork could ever-"_

 _"Boys, quit fighting, you're making us look bad in front of the instructors!"_

 _"Hey Obito! I brought you your homework!"_

 _"Come on, Obito, you said it yourself! You're gonna be the greatest ninja in history-"_

 _"Well done Obito! I knew you'd get that forehead protector if you-"_

 _"Obito!"_

Obito's eyes widened, a single coherent thought forming beneath the boiling pool of rage inside his mind, and bubbling up to the surface. "Rin?" he whispered.

The Sword of Nunoboko shattered like glass, and Naruto and Sasuke's attack blew a hole through his chest.

* * *

 **Fights have just gotten completely out of control, haven't they? Bloody end-game power creep...**

 **Now, it may seem that, all the way back when I had Sasuke call dibs on Zabuzza's sword, I was planning for him to eventually take Samehada, use it to absorb Kabuto's sage mode, and fight Juubito with it.**

 **The reality is that that isn't true, I've been flying by the seat of my pants on this for two whole years.**

 **But the situation is coming to a head, and with Obito beaten, Madara is running out of time.**

 **The simple question is, how much of this is all according to Keikaku? And _who's_ Keikaku? Find out next time on Death Note III: Kingdom of the Crystal Dragon.**


	86. Ball Games

**Ball Games**

* * *

 **Almost Two Decades Ago**

A twelve year old Obito Uchiha awoke, and immediately noticed he was in much less pain than he had any right to be.

To be more specific, the half of his body that really ought to have been...well, _not there_ , was apparently completely fine. Or no, not fine. It wasn't hurting, but it was _wrong_ in a way he didn't know how to describe.

 _What the hell..._

That was when the memories crashed in of the other day.

The kidnapping. The Mist ninja. The rocks, his eye, Kakashi, _Rin_.

" **Oh, good, you're awake.** " A sickly sweet voice reached his attention, and he jerked upright, taking in his surroundings. His newly monoscopic vision would take some getting used to, but the basics weren't hard to figure out. 1) Dark cave. 2) Scary black-and-white dude lounging on a rock in the corner.

"Where am I?" Obito croaked out, realising he hadn't drank anything in days.

" **A cave, sort of in the middle of the continent somewhere.** " It gestured vaguely. " **Sort of...south-west-ish of Konoha. Your maps change so often, I cannot for the life of me remember where the borders are at the moment.** "

"And who are _you_?" Obito asked. The man (if it even _was_ a man, and Obito was starting to doubt) wasn't wearing any sort of clan or village insignia.

" **You may call me Zetsu**." It smiled at him. " **I'm the one that saved your life back there**."

"Well, thanks, I suppose." Obito got to his feet, finally looking down at himself. _Oh, that is weird_. He poked his new arm with one finger. It was...kinda squishy. "What about my teammates?"

" **Less well off**." Zetsu sighed. " **You saw what happened. Kakashi murdered Rin. The three tails tore out of her in its death throes, destroying everything nearby, though Kakashi was able to escape the chaos thanks to some timely intervention by his Sensei. Well, I suppose you could hardly call it 'timely'; he might have come a few minutes earlier, no?** " It was smirking again. " **Or perhaps things would have played out the same regardless. That Minato does seem like one to do whatever he deems necessary, don't you think? I imagine, if necessary, he might have killed Rin himself.** "

Obito's fists tightened. "Why did you save me?" He whispered.

" **I require your assistance**." Zetsu told him. " **And I thought that someone of your unique temperament and abilities might be able to help me. I sensed a kindred spirit in you, Obito Uchiha. Having seen the things you have, having witnessed this ghastly war plaguing the land...I think you might understand**."

"How wonderfully cryptic of you. You managed to use all those words and describe absolutely nothing." Obito had no idea what to say; so he opted for what he thought Kakashi would have said. Though that lead to thoughts about Kakashi, then to thoughts about _Rin_ -

 _Not now, Obito, dammit! Focus for once in your life!_

Zetsu just chuckled, however. " **I'll be more straightforward. There is a young man, only a few years older than you, in fact, who I have given a small present to**." The grin soured. " **He intends to squander it. Our relationship has broken down somewhat, and I require an able bodied individual to act in my stead**."

"...Meaning?" Obito was still very confused.

" **I stuck a Rinnegan in a kid called Nagato Uzumaki and now he wants to kill me**." Zetsu simplified even further. " **He's planning on taking over the world and capturing all the bijuu, but he's not doing it _properly_. I need you to go and assist him, guide him, and if necessary? Murder his ass and steal the eyes from his body to do it yourself. And there, 'it' means 'mantle the amalgamation of the nine tailed beasts and become a god'**."

 _...Huh._

"Huh." Said Obito. He backed up a step. "Listen...I'm super grateful and all, but I really have to report back to my village and-" He turned and started walking.

" **Stop**." Said Zetsu, quietly.

Obito stopped.

His lone eye widened, when he realised that he had _no intention_ of stopping, yet was rooted to the floor anyway.

" **That seal they put in you?** " Zetsu continued, idly picking his teeth. " **Still there. Don't worry, it doesn't just give anyone the power to own your body. And I haven't put any additional commands in it yet.** "

 _Oh, bullshit._

" **I don't want this to be contentious, Obito**." Zetsu sighed. " **I do genuinely believe that you understand what I'm aiming for, here. What I want is world peace! I'm trying to create a world where nobody has to die, where no tragedy like what happened yesterday ever has to happen again! Isn't that what you want?** "

Obito, by that point, had completely tuned him out. The young boy was thinking faster than he had ever thought in his life.

First of all, there were metaphors about gilded cages. This Zetsu character _owned_ him, however nicely it wanted to put it. And seriously, did it genuinely think that it's pleas would get it anywhere? This wasn't about whether or not he was joining it, this was about him finding the optimum route to escape.

 _The seal should be on my heart, right?_

Experimentally, he attempted to draw a kunai and stab himself. His body didn't respond.

 _So that's one restriction already. Who knows how many more like this are already on me. Who knows how deep the control can go?_

Zetsu was right about one thing; Obito _did_ know how the world worked. Asking nicely wasn't going to get him released. Running wasn't going to get him out.

His only lifeline was in a little piece of wisdom Minato-Sensei had shared with him one day: That the more restrictions you put on a ninja performing a mission, the less effective they could be.

Zetsu seemed to want him long-term. Zetsu wanted an agent. A right hand. And agents need freedom to be creative. Which meant that if Obito wanted freedom...

"You can stop anyone else ending up like Rin?" He asked, not having to fake the tremor in his voice.

" **If you do this, my good friend.** " Zetsu smirked. " **Nobody will ever have to suffer again. I said those same words to an ancestor of yours, a long time ago.** "

Obito grimaced.

Accepted the fact that he might not be able to be himself for a very long time.

Then controlled his expression, and turned around. "I'm listening. What do you mean 'become a god'?"

* * *

 **Present Day**

This 'becoming a god' thing was fucking bullshit.

Juubito wasn't even _dead_ ; he had taken a giant fuckoff laser ball to the chest and even though the entire bottom half of his body was gone, it was _already growing back._

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, stretching out chakra chains from his arms. "Get him!"

"Right!" Sasuke released his Susanno and dropped forwards, as the chains wrapped around Juubito and covered him almost completely in golden light, leaving only his stomach bare.

 _Hey Samehada! You said you cut up the Ten-Tails once, right?_

 **Damn right. Wanna see me do it again?**

Sasuke stretched out, and punched one fist through Juubito's body. There was the signature rustling noise, and suddenly his hand wasn't just touching the Jinchurikki's gross insides.

He could _feel_ the chakra, not just see it. Feel the massive, pulsating ball of energy centred in Obito's gut. It was powerful and unbalanced and deadly, and...oh, _that_ was interesting. He could feel the _pieces_. Kurama he isolated first, he'd spent long enough with Naruto to recognise it. Then Shukaku, who he'd seen inside Gaara on plenty of occasions, and Gyuki, from his brief time with Killer B. With those parts separated, it was easier to see the seams where all the other beasts were sewn together. They had been independent for centuries now; they didn't _want_ to be combined again.

All it would take to separate them was one solid tug.

So Sasuke dug his nails in and tugged.

The resulting snap caused an explosion that was almost enough to throw him off Obito entirely, and his arm whipped backwards as a torrent of energy came pouring out of the man's stomach. Red, blue, yellow, green, gold, colours all rapidly splitting off pure monochrome and resolving into shapes in the nearby landscape.

It looked like a supersized Pokemon team being released from their balls, to be honest.

"Kurama!" Naruto shouted, releasing his control over the chains and jumping to intercept the largest of the energy streams. It took him in the stomach, but rather than hurting him, it suffused him a great golden glow as his present cloak intensified in luminosity.

Sasuke was left essentially riding Obito, which was when he remembered that they no longer had the ability to fly.

"Oh for _fuck's_ -" was all he was able to say, before they both crashed into the wreckage of the battlefield.

Around them, the Bijuu were flexing their new physical forms and roaring in defiance, while also yelling a wide variety of taunts, exultations, and expletives.

The only one missing from the group was the Nine-Tails, the reason for which became obvious when Naruto dropped down next to Sasuke, grinning from ear to ear. "Oh, Kami, this feels _so_ much better." He sighed, holding up his arms in front of his face and staring at them. "I never even realised how _wrong_ it was to only have half of him! Now everything's...balanced. Finally."

"Glad to hear it." Sasuke groaned, in pain. "We don't all get fun victory powerups. Some of us just...hurt."

"Oh, quit being a bitch." Naruto rolled his eyes and shoved his best friend in the shoulder (simultaneously refilling his chakra and stimulating his healing).

Then they both stopped, and looked down.

What was left of Obito Uchiha (which was far more of him than they had expected there to be) coughed, and looked up at them with one Rinnegan and one Mangekyo Sharingan. " **What i** n the..." he looked down at himself. Looked back up. "Oh, motherfucker..."

* * *

Two sets of footsteps echoed down the long corridors within the moon's surface.

Toneri had increased his pace to a flat out run, and was now puffing ("We aren't all trained superhuman martial artists, okay? Without the magic eyes I'm really rather ordinary!"), and Hinata had long since scooped up Hanabi in a bridal carry to stop her slowing them down.

Hanabi would have been enjoying the ride, but she could read the mood. Everyone was tense, and focused, and just a little bit terrified.

"Where exactly are we going?" Hinata called forwards.

"To the heart of the moon!" Toneri shouted back. "We, haah, are just about here." They came upon a very large, ornate looking stone door. Toneri walked up and touched one palm to it, causing a green glow to spread across its surface.

"And this is meant to help me fight a god...how?" Hinata asked, setting Hanabi down as the door began to creak open.

"Well." Panting, Toneri had the gall to look smug. "You told me we needed a Tenseigan, didn't you?"

The hallway was flooded by light from beyond the door, and Hinata's jaw dropped.

Floating in the chamber ahead of them was a gigantic aquamarine orb. It was crystalline yet smooth, glowing green, blue, orange and golden all at once, and Hinata could feel her chakra flare up simply from being near it.

"Oh." Was all she could think to say. "So _that's_ why my Byakugan doesn't work properly here."

She glanced downwards, and saw that her sister had tears in her eyes. "Hanabi? Are you okay?"

"Yeah!" Hanabi sniffled, wiping her eyes. "I just...I'm really thankful I got my sight back for this."

And then Hinata was trying very hard not to cry as well.

"We aren't sure if it's actually one of Hamura's Tenseigan, or if it's simply something he used them to create." Toneri offered a welcome distraction. "This is what's been powering the moon for generations. Sadly it's power isn't infinite; as I've told you before, generation after generation have sacrificed their own eyes to the Tenseigan to keep it running." He touched his own blindfold. "That orb contains the dojutsu of every Otsutsuki to ever live on the moon, generating power. I thought that, since combining my chakra with your eyes would grant me the Tenseigan, we could use this to do something similar for you." He smiled wryly. "Crude logic, I know, but we live in a world where you can just pop out eyeballs and pass them around, and they work just fine. Giving me the Tenseigan and having you control me sounds a lot more complicated than just giving them to you."

Hinata walked up and touched the orb's surface, feeling the flickers of energy that only hinted at a greater power deeper within. "You think that'll work?"

"The alternative is you drain my chakra until I die, or blind Hanabi." Toneri shrugged. "Again, I have no idea. But it's worth a shot."

Hinata looked back, gesturing vaguely to their surroundings. "And what happens to all this if it's gone?"

Toneri's face fell. "The Tenseigan is the only thing keeping the moon habitable." He confessed. "The puppets will stop working immediately. After a month or so the artificial gravity will fail, then the atmosphere will vent into space, and the temperature will drop to about twenty five degrees above absolute zero."

"That Fahrenheit?" Hinata asked.

"No, Kelvin, I'm not a heathen." Toneri wrinkled his nose up, then sighed. "The ecosystem and structures will all collapse. The moon will become a barren husk again."

"Right." Hinata was stone faced. "I understand if you don't-"

"No, it's fine." He shook his head resolutely. "My people's legacy is one of misunderstanding and murder. I think it is high time I left that behind and started anew. Don't worry, me and Hanabi will be perfectly safe here for more than long enough for the war to conclude. Whatever that may mean."

Hinata paused, then nodded and turned back to the orb.

"Alright, great granddad." She muttered, reaching out again. "Let's see what you've got for me."

Her hand lit up with Lionfist purple flames. Then she touched it to the surface and declared "Hiragekoma."

And then she set on fire.

* * *

The rest of the Konoha ninja all gathered around Obito, who (despite interference from Naruto) was dying by the moment. Loss of a Bijuu was a death sentence for any Jinchurikki, nevermind that of the Ten-Tails.

"Well now what?" Kakashi growled. "We're back where we started!"

"Better." Naruto pointed out. "I got the full Kyuubi now?"

"Worse." Obito corrected, coughing. He weakly pointed into the middle distance. There, the sounds of titanic conflict had stopped. Most worryingly, it was a giant blue Susanno that was the last to flicker out. " _He_ 's not busy anymore."

"I know the Reaper Death Seal." Tobirama offered. "If we weaken Madara, I might be able to put him away."

"Weaken him how?" Hiruzen asked. "He can't tire, run out of chakra, or take permanent damage."

"If we can destroy him, I can tie him up with the chakra chains?" Naruto suggested. "That'll stop him regenerating, at least for a while."

"But he can counter it with the Rinnegan abilities if we can't get to his head." Minato reminded him. "And he has those wood clones, so as long as they're around they can break him out."

"Well it's not like we can ask him politely to turn off all his powers!" Tsunade exclaimed.

"No." Said Obito, quietly. "But we can _make_ him lose them."

Everyone looked down at him.

"Come again?" Asked Sasuke.

"I'm no longer the Ten-Tails, but I still have the Rinnegan." The dying Uchiha rasped. "I can't use the Rinne Tensei to bring back all your allies. But I can manage one person. I can bring back Madara."

Naruto looked at him like he'd grown an extra head. "Bring him _back_? Why would we wanna do that?"

But more than one of them had realised what Obito meant.

"His Rinnegan aren't real." Jiraiya remembered.

"Most of his powers are enhancements from Kabuto." Sasuke nodded. "If we bring him fully to life, we take those away."

"If I bring him back, he'll be blind." Obito explained. "No Rinnegan, no absorbing the Bijuu. No Mangekyo Sharingan, no Susanno. No Wood style. He'll be mortal, with finite chakra, and no way to regenerate. You'll be able to kill him with as little as a kunai if you can get close enough."

"He'll still be one of the deadliest ninja in history, but it'll be the best chance we're ever going to get." Tobirama agreed.

"And we'll have to protect Obito." Kakashi spoke up. "Madara will be after his eye the moment he realises what's happened. Obito, where's the second?"

Obito grinned. "Safe. I got alone, buried it, and then genjutsu'd myself to forget it's location. Get the Hyuuga girl to find it if you have to, but it's out of his reach."

"Then we have a plan." Naruto took charge, looking up to the eight titans surrounding them that had (so far) been very kindly sitting still. "BIJUU! Reanimated Kage! Sasuke! You're with me! We're gonna go take out this bastard!" He looked back down. "Gai, Tsunade, Jiraiya, help the rest of the alliance with the Buddha, since they're apparently still not done." A roar and an explosion from that direction punctuated his point. "When Madara's chakra reserves are limited, as much as I hate to say it, throwing an army of minions at him might actually work. Kakashi," he turned to his Sensei, not looking happy about what he was going to say. "If it looks like Madara's about to get through? Warp Obito into the Kamui dimension and take a kunai to your own eye. We _need_ to keep it away from him."

Kakashi's face was cold. "Too risky to wait. I'll do it the moment the technique goes through. I've been borrowing this eye for long enough."

Obito chuckled. "So the last thing I see as I die is his ugly mug? Fair." He put his hands together. "You have ten seconds before he's mortal on my mark. Get moving. Ten."

Everyone scattered, and Kakashi took up position behind Obito and facing Madara, as Obito started to count down.

It was a really, really good plan.

Here's how it went wrong.

* * *

Hashirama Senju knelt in the rubble. Surrounding him was an wasteland of dying wooden structures, pulverised stone, and fire.

His body was punctured in a dozen or more places by Rinnegan rods, disrupting his chakra and preventing him from moving.

Walking up to his rival, Madara Uchiha threw a couple more into him for good measure.

"I-" Hashirama coughed, "I'd make 'penetrate me' jokes, but I've already established you've lost those priveliges."

"Oh, don't ruin the mood." Madara sighed. "That was the only proper fight I've had all war, I enjoyed it. Possibly the last proper fight I'll ever have."

"Oh, you think that was a proper fight?" Hashirama grinned. "I've only used...ten percent of my power...HAAAAAAH!-"

He strained against his restraints for a second or so, then went limp again.

"Wow." Madara said, flatly. "That was pathetic."

"It was a bit, can I try again?"

"You know I'm trying to give you a dramatic death here and you're just, ruining it. Completely."

"A dramatic death?" Hashirama snorted. "I already got one of those. Remember when I kicked your ass and then beat up the Nine-Tails?"

"I do." Madara spread his arms. "Yet things are different now, aren't they?"

"Eh, I dunno." Hashirama looked around. "You ever get that feeling of deja-vu?"

Madara shrugged. "Well I'd hoped you'd learned from last time, but no. I beat you in pretty much the same way, except I had the Rinnegan instead of the Kyuubi."

"I'm starting to think you just really like having me on my knees. But really, we already knew that." Hashirama grinned. "Hey. Hey Madara."

Madara scowled. "...What?"

"...That's pretty gay, bro."

" _We've had sex!_ "

"I had my socks on! That means it wasn't g-"

Madara flung another Rinnegan rod, burying it in his forehead, snarling "Stop acting like a _CHILD_!"

"Your _MUM's_ acting like a child!" Hashirama laughed.

Madara glowered at him, stalking up and grabbing the rod, wrenching it backwards and forcing Hashirama's head up. "Why, for once in your pathetic existence, can't you just take this _seriously_?"

"Because _that_ is what you _want_!" Hashirama's grin was feral, his eyes flashing. "And I am _not_ going to give it to you." His eyes rolled up, taking in the black rod sticking out of him. "Oh hey, look! Now we're both dickheads!"

Madara reached back with a fist-

Then spun, and grabbed the katana being swung at the back of his head.

That Hashirama grimaced and continued to push the blade, but Madara just grinned, even as it bit deep into his hand. "Really? Did you think that I would fall for the same trick twice?"

The Hashirama he was clashing with grinned right back. "No." It said. Then it released the blade entirely, grabbing Madara's arms. Behind them, there was an explosion of force, and Rinnegan rods flew away in all directions. The Hashirama on the ground, chakra pathways disrupted by the rods, had reactivated sage mode. He charged forwards, reaching for Madara's exposed back-

"Shinra Tensei." Madara uttered.

Both Hashirama were hurled away from him. The katana did too, stabbing into the skull of the one grappling with him and revealing it to be a Wood clone.

Madara turned and reached backwards and called out "Bansho Tenin!" And Pincushion Hashirama (the real Hashirama) was yanked right back, his throat slamming into Madara's outstretched hand.

"Pathetic." Madara smirked, Rinnegan flashing. With a stretch of his will, he began using the Preta path to drain Hashirama's sage chakra away. "And oh so much like you. You cannot achieve your dreams with a witty one liner and 'the Will of Fire'. You simply need to have more power. And soon, I will have _all_ of it."

"The cup...you are trying to fill...has no bottom." Hashirama warned him, body going limp. "Please...stop, before it's...too late..."

"Resorting to begging now?" Madara sighed. "How far beneath you."

"Not...really." The orange markings indicating sage mode vanished from around Hashirama's eyes, and he grinned. "I was quoting Kung Fu Panda 2. Love that movie. Just wish all the fans weren't fucking furries or the fanfiction would be amazing..."

Madara closed his eyes.

Then he used the Human path to rip out Hashirama's soul.

The Edo Tensei body collapsed to the floor, and quickly disintegrated. Madara considered the soul in his hand for a moment, then let it fly off to the pure lands. He'd learned everything he needed from it anyway.

"Yeah, well, you're dead." He muttered to the corpse. "So...hah."

He turned away, looking back to the main battlefield, and was met with the sight of an army charging towards him. The Bijuu were sort of difficult to miss.

"Oh, good, you all dealt with Obito." He said, mostly to himself, but knowing that the two boys in the lead ( _Oh, it's the Uzumaki and the Uchiha. How on Earth are they working together so well?_ ) "I was rather worried I'd have to do it myself."

"Hit him, boys!" Naruto shouted, and all the tailed beasts began charging up attacks. So did he, Madara noted, a golden avatar flashing into existence around him and purple energy charging in it's mouth.

"BROTHERHOOD BIJUU-BOMB BARRAGE!" The kid shouted, as nine powerful blasts rocketed forwards.

"Well _he's_ certainly inherited the Konoha style..." Madara rolled his eyes, and powered up his Susanno.

That was when his body flashed white.

There was, admittedly, a brief moment of panic, as his eyes disintegrated in their sockets, his defensive shield broke into pieces, and he was left with the nothing but the roaring sound of giant death balls flying towards him.

He took the first real breath of fresh air he had in centuries.

Then he grinned.

 _This is where the fun begins. Zetsu?_

 **Fifty metres to your left.**

 _Understood_.

"QUINTUPLE RASHIMON!" He slammed his palms onto the floor and five massive locked gates rose up from the ground in front of him. The approaching attack obliterated the first four, but the last held.

Rubble rained down around Madara, and a certain rock with a seal on it was impossible to differentiate from the others by sound alone.

Tobirama Senju was similarly silent, when he appeared there and stabbed his katana towards Madara's back.

Madara spun, catching the blade and shattering it with a palm strike, before kicking out at Tobirama, who vanished again with a shocked look.

Madara flung the remnants of the blade at the location he reappeared, spun again to catch the knife thrown by a blond Edo in Hokage vestements. Said Hokage appeared at the knife's location but Madara was ready, punching towards his head.

He dodged ( _oh, he's faster than Tobirama, that must be causing tension-_ ), head tilting just to the side of Madara's fist.

The attack landed anyway, and blew off the side of his head.

"Dad!" Shouted Naruto, charging in from behind alongside Sasuke.

Madara turned to face them, and heard them gasp as they saw the orange markings on his face.

"Sage mode?" Naruto exclaimed, at the same time Sasuke shouted "Bullshit!"

 **Five metres forwards.**

"Plan seven-A." Madara answered, walking towards them. "Absorb Hashirama's sage mode, combine it with my other powers, and use it to kill Obito once he was done with you all. Plan seven-B; if you win, kill you all. Plan seven-C; if you win and Obito is smart enough to try and bring me back, use sage mode to survive until I get his Rinnegan."

"You _planned_ for this?" Sasuke gaped.

"No, my original plan was much simpler." Madara admitted, stopping. "This is what I call 'pre-emptive improvisation'."

"Well Obito's Rinnegan is already gone!" Naruto shouted, petulantly. "So all we have to do is wear out your reserves!"

"First, no it isn't." Madara replied. "And second, how do you know that's the one I was talking about?"

 **Right underneath you.** Black Zetsu whispered into his ear, invisible in his shadow. **Now excuse me briefly...**

Zetsu vanished, and Madara punched the floor.

They were stood on stone, but the roots of Hashirama's Wood Release structures ran deep. Directly beneath Madara, the rock quickly gave way to plant matter.

Plant matter, which White Zetsu were capable of moving through.

White Zetsu, some of which Black Zetsu had appropriated for personal tasks at the start of the war.

Black Zetsu, who had always made sure to leave certain telltale signs of his presence when he was piggybacking on Obito's shadow. This was so that when it was necessary, he could _stop_ those signs and follow with Obito thinking he wasn't there.

Obito, who had hidden one of the Rinnegan.

A white hand stretched up out of the wood, a purple orb covered in concentric circles clutched in its palm.

"NO!" Naruto shouted, hurling a Rasenshuriken, and Madara batted it away with one hand, using Hashirama's Frog Kata to deflect an indirect collision, reaching down with his other hand to snatch up the eye.

He booted away a reappearing Tobirama, blocked a flurry of attacks from Sasuke with the Rinnegan hand, used the other to spew a massive wave of fire to counter a matched attack from Hiruzen, reached up to his eye sockets-

Stopped, annoyed as he had to catch a punch from Naruto that would have taken off his head, flung the boy away, jumped over a string of Magatama beads that swung where his torso had been, axe-kicked a reappearing Minato down into those beads, causing a chain reaction of explosions that forced everyone else to give him space, flashed through a set of hand seals with his off hand, reached up again with the Rinnegan-

Was stopped _again_ by golden chains wrapping around the arm, so he severed those, but was wrapped by a dozen others as a set of shadow clones joined the effort, flexed free, winced as black fire exploded against his back, only failing to kill him because of the senjutsu cloak, then he countered a taijutsu attack from Hiruzen and Tobirama with just one leg while blasting a lightning spear that Sasuke was barely able to catch and ground without it vapourising him, reached up again with the Rinnegan-

But this time was stopped by bloody _ninja wire_ of all things, chakra enhanced, so he channeled lightning chakra through that and Sasuke screamed and let go, then deflected another Rasenshuriken, but by that point Hiruzen had caught his attacking leg and Tobirama had swept at his balancing one with a katana, forcing him to release the floor to avoid losing it, at which point more Adamantine chains grabbed him and forced him to the ground, and he slammed his palm down and declared "Swamp of the Underworld!" Which caused the earth beneath them to ripple and shift. All the other fighters found themselves being sucked downwards into the swamp, Minato and Tobirama having to use Flying Raijin to get away which left them too far to interfere.

Except for Naruto. That genuinely impressive young man was using his own competence with Senjutsu to stay on his feet on the swamp's surface.

"Now!" Naruto shouted to the eight other tailed beasts on the outskirts of the battle, who all charged Bijuu bombs again, as golden chains lashed out and pinned Madara down in his own muck, hands forced out to either side.

Madara was completely helpless. But he was capable of calmly saying: "Look up."

Naruto did.

And then he swore. "METEORITE!"

The eight Bijuu all looked up, and (probably at the urging of Kurama), fired their attacks in unison at the giant falling planetoid Madara had summoned right after temporarily destroying Minato.

They intercepted it less than a second before it would have landed, the combined energy of the co-operating beasts more than enough to make it blast into millions of pieces (in what was probably now the second most impressive explosion of the war so far).

But the attack that they had aimed at the meteorite _hadn't_ been aimed at Madara. And while they were distracted, he had freed himself from the chakra chains.

Sasuke (rapidly sinking) called out a warning, and Naruto flung one last Rasenshuriken, but it was too little too late.

"Shinra Tensei."

Naruto's attack fell apart in midair, coming into contact with an invisible counterforce and vanishing. Madara stood behind it, smiling, with one eye closed and the other a dark purple.

"One to go." He said, absently. Then slammed one palm to the floor. "Summoning Jutsu: Gedo Mazo."

* * *

Obito sagged to his knees, coughing up blood. His hair, already bleached white from his time as the Juubi host, was starting to fall out in clumps. He shook in place there for a full second, two, before turning around and wheezing "Kakashi! Do it _now!_ "

"I...I can't!" Kakashi protested.

"What...gagh!" Obito spasmed, at what he was pretty sure was his stomach lining disintegrating. "What do you mean you c-"

He turned, and gasped.

Kakashi's body was splayed out, knees bent, arms stretching to the side at inhuman looking angles. His neck was thrown back, face staring up at the moon, and his muscles were shaking in strain.

He had no shadow. At least, not on the floor below him. Instead it stretched up, wrapping around his body.

" _Zetsu_." Obito breathed.

" **Oh, my dear Obito, when are you going to get the message?** " Black Zetsu's face covered half of Kakashi's, and was drawn into it's ever-present grin. " **I'm _always_ the one in control.**"

* * *

 **Oh, I love writing these kinds of fights. The vibe I was going for was the 'avengers vs Thanos pt 1' type of thing, where it's overwhelming numbers against an opponent with overwhelming power, but if we can just keep him distracted and pressured enough to pull off this one thing-**

 **Well. Lemme know if I managed it.**

 **I'm also trying to write the Madara Zetsu duo as a _genuinely intelligent_ enemy group. I.E, you're not being idiots; you're really taking the best possible route with the information you have, and it still isn't enough. **

**And it's only going to get harder for them now...**


	87. Madara's a bit of a Meanie in this one

**Madara's a bit of a meanie in this one**

* * *

 **A few hours ago**

When Madara Uchiha was resurrected by the Edo Tensei, he did not say "The fuck?". Because, for quite possibly the first time in history, he had been expecting to come back from the dead. And then actually had.

He did, however, take one look at himself and calmly utter "What."

 **Good morning.** Black Zetsu whispered into his ear. **Or rather, evening.**

"Why have I not been resurrected with the Rinne Tensei?" He demanded, immediately.

 **Okay, look, we're one, maybe two centuries in the future.** Zetsu told him. **Plans have gotten highly complicated.**

"Simplify them."

 **Alright, calm down.** Zetsu sighed. **The Rinnegan are in the hands of a boy called Obito Uchiha; or rather one's in his head and the other he hid for safe-keeping (I've since snatched it). He's with us, and if he ever starts disobeying I have a seal on his heart we can both use to control him.**

"The Bijuu?"

 **The first seven are in the Gedo Mazo, eight and nine are still loose. That 'Jinchurikki' sealing that was in the works when you died has since become the standard method of Bijuu containment; we're after a Cloud ninja called Killer B and a Leaf kid called Naruto Uzumaki.**

"Uzumaki?" Madara confirmed, eyes narrowing.

 **Indeed. He's the Kyuubi host and he took out the last person I put the Rinnegan in; he's the one to look out for. You're after an obnoxious blond teenager who's oddly reminiscent of your buddy Hashirama.**

Madara finally looked up, which was when he noticed the massive army in front of him. His eyes zeroed in onto an obnoxiously blond mop of hair. "Ah. Found him. So do I have to find my summoner and force him to release me?"

 **Hopefully, our enemies will take care of that themselves.** Zetsu answered, with the mental equivalent of a shrug. **Kabuto is willing to just let you do your own thing for now so long as you keep tearing into his enemies, who conveniently enough are _our_ enemies.**

Madara stretched out his arms, getting used to this neutered body. "So what's the plan?"

 **There isn't one. Obito intends to gather all the Bijuu and then bring you back properly, but...** in the distance, a giant planetoid formed, not too far from the pair of giant Owls. **...We're in a war. Things are somewhat hectic.**

"Improvisation then? Wonderful." Madara jumped down from the cliff he was stood on, and started running towards the army. "Now then, let's test what Tobirama's clever little necromancy can do."

* * *

 **Present day**

If Hinata could, she would have screamed. Her body was locked, frozen, in the exact position she'd been in when she'd first touched the Tenseigan. But that had been _long_ seconds ago, and the entire time her body had been _burning._

Foreign chakra _roared_ through her, in and out again, tearing at her tenketsu as it went and frying her internal pathways. Chakra was running through the giant orb in constant motion, she realised, and her actions had unwittingly made her a part of the circuit. Apparently the Tenseigan could go decades before requiring 'repairs' in the form of a new Byakugan; but Hinata didn't think her body could handle more than another minute or so of the _blistering agony_ before it crumbled into dust. Blue fire was literally rippling across the surface of her body, and she was unable to answer Toneri's increasingly worried questions about 'if that was supposed to be happening or not' due to her newfound paralysis. Spoiler alert; _it wasn't_.

 _Quick thought, maybe we should have actually consulted some more with the expert before plugging ourselves into the CORE OF THE ENTIRE CELESTIAL BODY!_

"You absolutely should have, but I suppose we have time to do it now." Said a voice from her left that was definitely _not_ Toneri's. She couldn't move her eyes, and her Byakugan wasn't telling her anything, so the source of the words helpfully walked into her field of view.

"Focus, Hinata." Hamura Otsutsuki was looking much more serious than he had the last time she had seen him. "Your life is on the line here."

 _Do I not look focused?_ She thought at the apparition, angrily.

"Don't focus on the pain. Focus on the _chakra_." He put his palm on the surface, and annoyingly didn't also start burning. Instead, the outer surface of the orb seemed to vanish, revealing the swirling insides to her (and, she suspected, only to her). "Look at it. Feel it. What _is_ it?"

She tried, attempting to toss aside the pain and _think._ It wasn't normal, she knew that much. She knew because all the chakra in _her_ body had been ripped straight out of her. If it was the same as that of Toneri's combat cloak, that had counteracted any ninjutsu she had thrown at it, then...

 _Adamantine?_ She thought.

"Close." He raised a hand, and four swirls appeared above it, orbiting each other. Black, white, gold-green, and purple-blue. "Voracious, Obdurate, Adamantine, Edacious." He said, each colour flashing in turn. "Four very special chakra types, separate from the five elemental natures, yin, and yang. Unavailable through normal Ninshu, only found in those of my and my brother's bloodline. The Adamantine you recognise as making up the Uzumaki chains, that suppress chakra. Voracious is responsible for your teammate's Amaterasu when combined with Fire; it consumes chakra to burn stronger. The chakra draining properties of your Lionfists technique is Edacious, while Obdurate is found in your Vishnu transformation and Kesshotoketsu; which chakra slides off like oil on water."

 _IS NOW REALLY THE TIME?_ Hinata demanded. She could feel her skin starting to _flake._

"Of course it is. I haven't been able to lecture anyone in years." Hamura clenched his fist, and the four swirls combined together to form one, white-blue glow. "What you call Yin-Yang release is the purest form of ninjutsu chakra, a combination of all ordinary natures. This Tenseigan, and the power it utilises, is made of what I call counter-chakra. A combination of all four sub-types. Because of course, when Hagoromo and I began to master our mother's power, we did so in completely different ways, and of course his way was the one he granted to the whole world...Regardless, that is the chakra flowing through you now, and it will kill you if you let it."

 _Then how do I stop it?_ She asked, desperate.

"Control it." He told her, simply. "You are my heir, and your body is now adapting to match that of your cousins on the moon, unlocking your true potential. It recognises the chakra flowing through you is such a counter-intuitive type, and it will awaken the Tenseigan to control and produce it. Unfortunately, that will only happen _after_ you have stabilised yourself, leaving you with the unenviable task of pulling it off _without_ the requisite organs. Recall when you attempted to wield your Gokei abilities without an additional pair of eyes to regulate them?"

 _This system is designed_ terribly!

"Incorrect: there's no system at all. None of this is how the Otsutsuki do it, and even that's not the way the universe is supposed to work; we're chanelling godlike power through mortal forms, flying by the seat of our pants, and only surviving because we're too determined to let it kill us. Because that, Hinata, is what humans _do_." He walked closer to her. "You must direct the chakra around yourself, rather than through you. Create a lattice, a cage, a field through which you may influence it at will. Like what _this_ Tenseigan does." He pointed to it. "I imagine you're quite intimate with it's workings by now."

Annoyingly, she was. As a side effect of her body freezing in place, the Hiragekoma was _still on._ Even as the gigantic contraption poured energy through her, she was understanding it better than she'd ever understood anything in her life.

 _But how do I make my body do-_ She shoved her conception of it's workings to the forefront of her mind- _THAT?_

Hamura smiled. "The Hyuuga are known for three things, no?" He told her. "Their Byakugan, their ability to drain chakra...and their ability to project chakra out of every tenketsu in their body. What do you think the original Heavenly Spin Kata was supposed to do?"

 _...But I don't_ have _any chakra! This thing's already destroyed it all!_

"...Oh." Hamura shrugged. "Well, sucks to be you."

The apparition vanished.

 _SON OF A BTICH!_

Alright, chakra, chakra, ordinary ninjutsu chakra, where could she get some of that? Two nearby sources immediately drew her attention.

Hinata heaved, but her body didn't budge. Heaved again, to no effect. The Tenseigan chakra had chosen it's path and was sticking to it, moving was like trying to pull apart magnets. Except like, way harder than trying to pull apart magnets. _Metaphors are hard when you're SUFFERING._

 _Oh, fuck it, time for some more self destructive behaviour. FIRST GATE-_

Her body flashed with pressure. Flashed again, started shaking, then _again_ , and her skin was red, stone cracking beneath her feet, and her two witnesses had moved _away_ from her, which was the exact opposite of what she wanted. Then she flashed _again_ , and fingers clenched on the hand that wasn't touching the orb. Sweat forming and evaporating on her skin, she was able to slowly drag that arm out behind herself, holding it out palm up, fingers spread.

She still couldn't speak, only rely on the simplest possible expression of invitation she could manage. Darkness flickered at the edge of her vision, unconsciousness promising death, but she clung to the waking world, internally begging.

 _Come on, you heartless, pointless fucking universe. You've spent the last half a decade trying to teach me I can rely on others. Don't you dare hold out on me now!_

Her Byakugan showed her every micro-expression on her audience's face. As Hanabi Hyuuga looked up at Toneri, back at her, gulped, and took a tentative step forwards.

"Hanabi! Don't!" Toneri shouted, but Hanabi didn't stop.

Hesitantly, she reached out, and took Hinata's hand.

The Tenseigan was fast, trying to reach out and rope Hanabi into the circuit as well, but Hinata was faster. A lionfist blasted to life in her hand, and Hanabi screamed in shock at the brief burn, but by then Hinata had began pulling chakra right out of her sister's body. Her Tenketsu blasted back to life and she gasped, then immediately started firing every single one of them, pouring the chakra out of her body in a pattern she was making up on the spot and was only like 72% sure would work.

The white-blue flames running across her body flickered, then moved _outwards,_ hovering on a field of energy just above her skin while not actually touching it.

Hinata sagged as her body was freed, but kept her hand on the orb, because she could _feel_ her eyes mutating even as she stood there and she wasn't a _fucking quitter_. But she didn't think she'd have enough time, she was quickly running through her sister's miniscule, untrained chakra reserves. "Hanabi!" She shouted, mouth finally free. "Get back! I can't-"

There was another burst of power. Hinata's words stuck in her mouth as chakra flooded into her, more chakra than Hanabi had, in fact, more chakra than _she_ had. She looked up, and grinned. Toneri was holding onto Hanabi's other hand. "Next time," He grimaced, glowing green as he channeled energy into Hanabi, and from there into her, "tell us your crazy plans _before_ you start them!"

"I'll keep that in mind!" She laughed. Fully recharged, she released Hanabi, and turned back to the Tenseigan. Her chakra cloak was stabilising, and she realised now why Toneri's had broken immediately after one hit. Since the counter-chakra was swirling _around_ her rather than coming _out_ from within, one disruption would shatter the whole system. But that also made it _efficient_. Once it was built up properly...

Grinning more than a little insanely, she brought her other hand around and slammed it too into the surface of the Tenseigan, doubling her points of contact and increasing the number of loops on her chakra cloak, drawing more and more burden of the power away from the artefact and onto herself.

"DID YOU THINK I WAS JOKING, GRAMPS?" She shouted. "GIMME EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!"

As the Tenseigan dimmed, and she became the brightest light source in the room, Hinata's white eyes began to glow blue.

* * *

Konohagakure had an unofficial yet quite well known 'panic rating' system. It was usually used while telling funny stories of past exploits, to explain just how terrified a ninja was feeling at any particular moment in said story. The accepted definition of the 0-10 scale was that 0 was no panic ( -5 was, amusingly, 'Hidden Waterfall has challenged the Hokage to a duel') and 5 was 'something lucky has just happened to Tsunade Senju'. 'Naruto Uzumaki is feeling bored' was usually about a 10 for the village as a whole, and a hypothetical 20 was defined as 'Madara Uchiha has come back to seek revenge on Konoha'.

Naruto took a brief moment to wonder what the number was for 'Madara Uchiha has come back and now he has a FUCKING RINNEGAN' but was kinda thinking...high.

Really, really bloody high.

Hiruzen Sarutobi rocketed down from above, blasting an enormous fire dragon ahead of him, but Madara just extended a hand. He _caught_ the jutsu, absorbing it with the Preta path, then grabbed Hiruzen by the throat before he could react and tugged.

The old Hokage's soul was ripped out of him, and discarded, and the body crumpled. The Professor, one of their greatest assets, was dead before anyone had the chance to do anything about it.

"Old Man!" Naruto shouted, but was quickly preoccupied by the fact that the Gedo Mazo had fully reappeared. Looking no worse for wear after it's brief existence as the Ten-Tails, the statue roared and swept it's arms to either side, knocking away Sasuke and Tobirama as they moved to stop it and vomiting purple chains out of it's mouth.

The Bijuu were still recovering from their last Bijuu Bomb Barrage, they didn't stand a chance.

Eight beasts were grappled by the purple energy, bellowing in fear and rage, being pulled back into the mouth of the statue.

Then they all stopped.

Madara looked up, annoyed, and tossed a struggling Sasuke away, muttering to himself "If it's not one Ashura, it's another, for the love of..."

Naruto grit his teeth, and kept his hands in the shadow clone position, as his Kyuubi avatar burned bright around him. Eight of the nine tails stretched outwards, wrapping around each of the Bijuu from behind. His feet dug into the floor, and a few chakra-hands extended into the ground around him for extra traction, and he absolutely _was not_ letting go.

" ** _They're PEOPLE you insensitive dickwad!_ " **He shouted down at the man responsible for all of this crap. " ** _LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE!_ "**

Ahead of him, a storm of shadow clones charged Madara. The Uchiha dealt with the first few with some effortless taijutsu, blasted a dozen more away with Shinra Tensei, then realised that was pointless and stretched his arms out to either side. The Asura path activated and red lasers blasted out from each hand, which he swung in a circle to disintegrate every clone practically at once. He focused it at Naruto, couldn't break the Kyuubi avatar, and then was forced to dive forwards as the ninth tail of the cloak hurled a Bijuu Bomb at him.

 **Just hold on for a little longer!** Kurama shouted, in Naruto's head. **My siblings, they're sharing their chakra with us! A few more seconds and I'll be able to do something _real_ special!**

"Got it!" Naruto shouted aloud. Ahead of him, Madara punched straight through the avatar and walked inside, and Naruto fell into a taijutsu stance. Behind him, the two clones he'd had gathering sage chakra popped, and orange highlights flashed into existence around his eyes. "Alright, asshole." he said, eyes narrowed, mentally reviewing everything he knew Madara could do in preparation for the fight of his life. "Buckle up, because nobody's ever had to fight _this_ before."

Buffed to an unbelievable degree beyond his base from by the Kyuubi's power, his own, and his Sage mode, all working perfectly in tandem, he took a step forwards-

And his throat was slit.

Naruto gargled and his eyes widened. Madara was still approaching, he hadn't _done_ anything.

But nonetheless, _something_ stabbed deep into his gut, dragged upwards through his chest, pulled out, and then buried itself in his heart. _W-What..?_

He staggered backwards, blood coating the ground beneath him as his body desperately tried to heal the gaping holes in his torso, and Madara helpfully moved up to him and steadied him with one hand.

"I'm going to be honest." Admitted the Uchiha. "Even I didn't know I could do that until just now. What should I call it?"

Naruto tried to say "Let me go" but was only able to make a noise sort of like "Le...m...o..."

"What was that? Limbo?" Madara frowned thoughtfully. "Not bad. Something to remember you by, little nuisance." Then he summoned a Rinnegan rod in one hand, and stabbed it into Naruto's heart.

 _NO-_ Naruto thought-

 ** _NO-_ **The Kyuubi shouted-

" _NO!_ " Sasuke screamed-

And then Madara tore Kurama right out of Naruto. And this time, it was the _whole_ Kurama.

For a tiny, brief moment, for the first time in sixteen years, with nothing but little shards of each of the Bijuu floating around, Naruto Uzumaki was completely alone in his own head.

Then everything went black.

* * *

Toneri and Hanabi had to shield their eyes from the light, it was so overwhelming. A bright white glow that just got brighter, brighter, brighter...Then, with a final peak, dropped back down to an ordinary level.

Toneri's puppet dropped lifelessly to the floor, as Hanabi squinted and reopened her eyes.

Hinata was still maintaining a respectable outline of blue fire. Her hair had gone white, falling outwards more than downwards. Most interestingly however, was that she was hovering a few inches above the floor. It took her a moment to notice that last fact, turning her head down and murmuring "Huh." before curling up and rolling in midair. Then she turned around to look at them.

Hanabi gasped. "Hinata! Your eyes! You...you have _pupils!_ "

"I do?" Hinata asked. She waved a hand through the air and conjured a small sheet of opal, which floated in the air in front of her allowing her to take in her reflection.

"Oh, I _do._ " She said, upon seeing it. She reached up with one hand to pull open one eye, taking in the shimmering blue of the Tenseigan. "Wow, that's crazy. I mean we've technically always had them, but they were just the same colour as the rest of the eye, and-Shit, right, no, focusing."

She looked past Hanabi. "Toneri? Thanks."

"Just doing what I have to do." He nodded. She went " _mmhmm?_ " at him, and he winced. "Okay, so actually yeah these last few days have been absolute hell for me and I'm glad you're acknowledging that."

"No I understand." Hinata looked behind herself, and floated out into the center of the room, where there was a small collection of lights still floating. She glanced across the few hundred Byakugan, still glowing with the residual light of the Tenseigan. _The legacy of a whole people..._ "Making sacrifices to make things better is all well and good." She acknowledged, aloud. "It's honourable. Heroic, even. But if it's just a temporary solution, if all you're buying is some peace of mind...It's far too easy to get into that cycle of hitting the snooze button over and over again, even as everything gets worse. And eventually, you're going to have to bite the bullet." She sighed, and then stretched out a hand. Two of the Byakugan floated away from the rest and began to circle each other above her palm, as she flew back down to the other two. "What I'm saying is, what Itachi and Neji did was a very respectable sacrifice. But I wish they'd just bloody assassinated Danzo at the start. Keep that in mind moving forwards, Toneri." She held up the Byakugan. "Here."

"I can't see whatever you're holding." He deadpanned.

"I know. But this might change that." She pulled his hand out, and dropped the eyes into it.

His breath hitched. "Are those..?"

"Yours." She nodded, smiling, and tapped the side of her head. "It's not hard to find the ones that match your chakra with my eyes. Use them to keep the scary things away from my sister, you understand?"

"I...Thank you. Thank you so much." Toneri looked on the verge of a breakdown, so she decided it was time to leave while he still had a shred of dignity left.

"Right, so. Warfare. The portal back is, uh..." She thought about it, then shook her head. "Nah, fuck it. This time I _will_ just fly down."

She flexed her will, and a pair of wings over ten metres in span sprung out of her back. She looked up, and took a deep breath.

Her feet touched the floor.

Then she took off like a rocket, blowing a hole straight through the roof.

All Hanabi could see was a white-blue streak of light, blasting up towards a distant planet.

* * *

The Kurama avatar shattered, and Sasuke Uchiha was screaming. The remaining eight Bijuu were all promptly yanked into the Gedo Mazo to join their elder brother, and it started the process of mutating itself into the Ten-Tails again.

Madara completely ignored it, opting instead to run away from the battle entirely. Sasuke didn't even try to give chase, sliding to a stop next to the body of ( _It's not a body, I_ won't _let it become a body_ ) his teammate.

"NARUTO!" He cried out, kneeling down and _oh that's a lot of blood_. "Naruto, stay with me, Naruto you stubborn bastard don't you _dare_ die on me now!"

But an analysis with the Sharingan just made everything look worse. Naruto had been _unseamed,_ and halfway decapitated, _and_ there was a black rod in his heart (which Sasuke immediately yanked out, but that just meant that now there was a hole in his heart and that wasn't much better). Any _one_ of those things would kill an ordinary ninja, and even with Naruto being _Naruto_ he might not have been able to survive all three at the best of times. But this wasn't the best of times. Kurama's chakra was gone, and with the pair so completely intertwined at that point, Naruto's was gone with it. His Tenketsu were dead.

 _Death from chakra exhaustion in less than a second._ His training helpfully informed him, despite the fact that he'd been muttering "No, no, no, no, no-" out loud the entire time. _His brain won't even have the chance to run out of oxygen._

 _The Brain!_

Sasuke's one hope. Brief flickers of residual chakra (oddly in ten different colours) were still floating around in Naruto's brain. Meaning he wasn't dead. Not yet.

Sasuke touched a hand to his teammate's forehead, and he _focused_.

* * *

Madara had to admit, he was enjoying himself.

He knew he shouldn't be, and he most certainly wasn't going to let it get in the way of his success (no... _Hashirama_ ing). But he couldn't help it. This was quite possibly going to be his last fight... _ever._ At least he was getting a kick out of it.

A storm of kunai flew towards him and he knocked them away with Shinra Tensei, then Minato appeared on one and Madara fired the Asura arm at him, making him vanish again to escape the explosion.

A giant water dragon hurtled towards him from his left, and he countered with a fire dragon of his own, resulting in a collision that hurled scalding mist back at him. Tobirama appeared out of the mist, weaving a set of hand seals that Madara had long since memorised. He just sighed and let the jutsu hit him, feeling his entire vision go dark.

"Sage mode, remember?" He said aloud, catching Tobirama's followup attack on a black rod.

"That power does not belong to you!" Tobirama snarled at him, still attacking.

"That statement means literally nothing." Madara grabbed his throat, and he vanished. _Troublesome_...

He idly broke the genjutsu that had been blocking his vision, and looked forwards to see the giant Senjutsu Rasengan that Minato, who had finally taken the time to enter sage mode, was plowing down towards him.

 _Oh, come on. Really?_

He reached up to catch it with the Preta path-

And it vanished, teleporting seamlessly from Minato's hand to Tobirama's, coming up behind him. _Well, that's a little better._

He considered his options, then just used Limbo. Tobirama gasped as a Rinnegan rod was driven up through his elbow by no discernable source, yanking the arm around and forcing his Rasengan to crash into the dirt. Madara called out "Bansho Tenin" and both Tobirama and Minato flew in towards him. Both prepared to use the Flying Raijin to escape again-

"Shinra Tensei." Madara summoned up two more Rinnegan rods in his arms and blasted them outwards with the universal push. The projectiles impaled the attacking Kage in the heads, causing both to drop to the floor, and disrupting their chakra so as to make further teleportation impossible. Madara didn't even bother to finish them with the Human path, just hurled another dozen or so rods into them to hold them in place. Then, as an afterthought, called out "Chibaku Tensei" at them, causing a very small planetoid to form around the (already mostly destroyed) zombies, in case they _did_ manage to get out.

He hadn't stopped running the entire time.

" **Took you long enough.** " Black Zetsu pouted at him when he arrived. The person he was latched onto (Madara had no idea who it was) renewed it's struggles with even more vigour. " **I can't hold an unwilling body forever, you know.** "

"DAMN...YOU!" The ninja swore.

"At this point I'm not really sure why you felt the need to restrain him, but I also don't really care." Madara made a beckoning gesture. Zetsu detached himself from the ninja, and before he could react Madara punched him in the stomach so hard he flew almost a hundred metres away. Leaving Madara with his real target.

"Fuck you." Spat out Obito Uchiha, who was practically dead by this point.

"Fine." Madara didn't even bother verbally sparring with the traitor, just reaching down past his nonexistant attempts at resistance and grabbing his skull. A small tug was all it took to get the second Rinnegan out of his head. Obito couldn't even use any ninjutsu in his own defense (which was the only reason Madara hadn't taken the split second that it would have taken to kill him properly).

His head hit the dirt, the last of his resistance crumbling.

Madara did briefly pause before inserting the second Rinnegan, to look up at the white-haired ninja, who was (rather impressively) managing to stand up.

 **Kakashi.** Zetsu informed him. **Watch out, he has one of Obito's eyes, so he might be able to warp you to another dimension.**

 _Does he realise that that's hopeless since the Rinnegan allows dimensional travel?_

 **I don't think so.**

 _Pity._

"Leave, now." Madara told him. "You'll live if you do, I promise you that."

Kakashi coughed, staining his mask with blood, and then ripped said mask off, revealing a mouth cut into a grim line. (Madara, of course, had no idea why this random man removing his mask would be significant).

"Those who fail to complete their mission are trash." He uttered, meeting Obito's eye. "But those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash. And I'm _not_ abandoning you again."

Obito smiled, one last time, before his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

"Well, alright." Madara shrugged. "Limbo."

" _KAMUI_ -" There was a slash, and Kakashi's head fell off his shoulders. His body unceremoniously crumpled to the ground.

Madara sighed, turned away, and fit the second Rinnegan into his forehead. He immediately noticed the ease of tension caused by possessing the full pair; using only the one eye to perform techniques had felt _wrong._ And more importantly, more chakra-expensive.

He looked out, taking a moment to breathe as no further ninja came after him. "How long until the Juubi awakens?" he asked.

 **Less than ten seconds. It's faster now we've got the full Nine-Tails.**

"Oh, well that's practically forever. I'll eliminate some more variables while we're waiting. Where's that Uchiha child, he was almost bothersome..."

Hashirama's sage mode had ran out by that point, but that was fine, he still had the greatest dojutsu in the world. The battlefield was an absolute mess, a barren and desolate wasteland of cracked dirt and stone and blood. He was fairly certain there had been a forest here at some point, and made a mental note to regrow it after this was all over. At least the sky was still beautiful; a tapestry of bright stars stretching from one horizon to the other, with the moon hanging above it all like-

The moon.

Madara narrowed his eyes.

There was a bright blue light on the moon. It was getting bigger.

 **Oh, you're kidding me.** Black Zetsu growled. **Heads up. Hamura is making his play.**

"Who on earth is-"

The light flashed down the horizon in an instant.

* * *

In the distance, the Thousand Armed Buddha went from terrorising the entire allied shinobi forces to being not alive anymore in about zero time, as a projectile moving at a not-insignificant fraction of the speed of light slammed into it's head. Madara hadn't seen the lightspeed ramming thing in star wars 8, but Hinata had, and yeah, basically that. The Buddha was fucking _obliterated,_ and Hinata landed on the ground next to the White Zetsu possessing Kabuto.

It wasn't even necessary to use Hiragekoma at this point, she just took one look with the Tenseigan and blasted him with counter-chakra and the Zetsu disintegrated, leaving Yamato to crash onto the ground unconscious. _Poor guy._

 _"_ ALL PLOT RELEVANT NINJA!" She shouted, mostly at Gai, Tsunade, and Jiraiya, all of whom were staring at her glowing, floating form with no small amount of terror. "FOLLOW ME! WE HAVE TO REGROUP WITH-" She froze, as she finally recognised what her Tenseigan was telling her, and the last word came out as a whisper. " _Naruto."_

Her pace tearing towards him was even faster than it had been flying through space.

She dug a furrow into the ground with an arm slowing herself down, chakra cloak vanishing as she dropped to her knees next to Sasuke, eyes wide. "What happened? Who-"

"Madara pulled the Fox out." Sasuke didn't even look up at her. Tears were running down his face and his body was shaking, and a quick check with the Tenseigan showed that his heart rate was exceeding two hundred bpm. If he wasn't already having a full-blown panic attack, he was damn well close to one. "Now he has the Rinnegan, he has some sort of technique that lets him attack people from a distance, and it's invisible and I-I don't know, it just-"

"Not important." It was, but she'd deal with it later. She looked down at Naruto. "He's still ali-"

"Alive, yeah no shit, what the fuck do you think I'm sat here for!" Sasuke hissed at her. One of his hands was perpetually punching the floor beside him, probably without him even meaning to, but the other was completely still, touching Naruto's forehead. It was suffused with a green glow. "I'm sharing my chakra with him! Keeping him alive, until, I, until-Fuck if I know what until!"

"Until you both die, I should think." Said a different voice, appearing next to them. "His body can't hold onto the chakra you're giving him, you're just running his brain for him until you run out of juice yourself. Something Hinata and I both have _fond_ memories of."

She looked up and glared at the pale figure. "Orochimaru. Well it certainly took you long enough!"

He gestured at the group of figures running up behind him. Haku, Onoki, A, Mei, Konan, Gaara. All looking like absolute shit, but determined, and staring at Naruto's body in various states of outrage. "Oh, I'm sorry," Orochimaru sassed, "Was I being too slow about bringing back some Kage from the brink of death-"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Hinata shouted, voice cracking. She pointed at Naruto. "FIX THIS!"

"I will." He told her, reaching forward and putting his hands on her shoulders. His eyes were deadly serious. "Hinata. I promise you that he will live. But you need to take everyone who can still fight (leave Tsunade here) and stop Madara, because it doesn't matter that your boyfriend is alive if that _monster_ becomes a god. Do you understand me, Hinata?"

She stared him in the eye. Sucked in a breath. Nodded. "That bastard is going to _die_ for this. Everyone, on me!"

She paused, leaned down to place a kiss on Naruto's cheek, then stood up again and started running towards Madara.

"Don't you _dare_ fuck this up." Haku bit out, on his way past, and Gaara gave a very impressive glare, but soon it was just Orochimaru, Tsunade, and Sasuke alone with Naruto's body.

"Oh, fuck, I'm starting to feel weird." Sasuke shuddered. "My gut's all twisted and my vision's swimming. I think my chakra interacting with his, it's... _doing_ something."

"No, you're probably just going into shock." Tsunade advised. "Sasuke, let go of him."

"No!" Sasuke shouted at them, clenching his eyes shut. "If I let go he _dies!_ "

"Yeah, exactly." Orochimaru said, rolling his eyes. "That way we can rez him."

"What the hell are you-" Sasuke rounded on them, then realised. "Oh. Granny Chiyo."

"One's Own Life Reincarnation." Orochimaru nodded. "Cheap and nasty ressurection. Requires a relatively intact body, but it works. But we can't do it unless he's properly kicked the bucket. Relax, I told Hinata I was certain of success and she can tell when I'm lying."

"Then-" Sasuke's body shuddered again underneath him, and he sucked in a breath. "Then teach me the hand seals. I'll-"

"Don't be a dumbass." Tsunade shook her head. "They need you out there. The only reason we're trading lives here is because you two are the only one's who've stood a chance so far. _I'll_ do it."

"Au contraire, madame." Orochimaru interceded. " _I_ will."

"Rochi?" She looked at him in shock. "But you're-"

"Scared of death, yes. Terrified." He admitted. "But of death in _all_ it's forms. The only thing more frightening than the idea of myself dying...is the idea of it happening to you or Jiraiya." The Sannin shook his head, with a wry smile. "That was the crucial tidbit Danzo made me forget, with his pesky mind control. I will not lose sight of it now. So if you're going to raise a massive hissy fit, then fine, I'll let you do it just to save time, but if _not,_ we can save the heartfelt speeches until _after_ my soul has started leaving my body, alright?"

Tsunade set her jaw, and didn't say anything.

"Very well." Orochimaru turned back down to Naruto. "Sasuke, take your hands off your unrequited. I'll have him back in but a moment."

"I..." Sasuke grimaced. "Alright." He stood properly, and started to taking his hand away.

Then his eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and he collapsed unconscious on top of Naruto.

Both of their bodies began to glow, Sasuke's purple, Naruto's gold.

"...Um." Orochimaru turned to look at Tsunade. She looked back at him.

"... _What?_ "

* * *

 **What indeed, my good doctors. I imagine none of y'all were expecting _that_ ending, though I bet a good handful of you are able to spot what it means, even though I'm taking creative liberties again. But did you notice that Sasuke was actually stabilising chakra using the Uchiha 'I love you' forehead touch? I didn't, until just now. Damn I'm a genius.**

 **The four 'special' chakra types are made up by me, but it was the only way I could categorise all the weird 'anti-chakra' shit going on in this show. Like, there's some random dude in the chunin exams who can drain chakra through a purple glow like goddamn pain does, and that never comes up again. Hashirama's wood style and the Uzumaki chains both suppress chakra (which is different to absorbing it), and the Amaterasu burns and consumes all the chakra it touches. And Darui apparently has _black lightning,_ and we don't even know what that does. Is there lightning that consumes chakra? That'd be sick. Anyway point is I'm here to fix this damn show as well as meme the fuck out of it, and that's my explanation for how Tenseigan Chakra Mode works. As opposed to 'you get Naruto's Kyuubi-six-paths mode except weaker and also blue.'**

 **And oh yeah, I killed Kakashi and Obito.**

 **I repeat, _Madara is not fucking around._**


	88. Yeah, but, Gai is Gai

**Yeah, but, Gai is _Gai_.**

* * *

"Alright, Listen up!" Hinata shouted as she ran. "You're not here to fight Madara! You're _here_ to try and blow up the Ten Tails!"

Jiraiya laughed. "What, you think we can't-"

"He is nothing like Nagato!" She interrupted. "Get your head out of your pants! This guy just beat up the Fourth and Second at once without even trying! And then got _even_ _stronger than that_!"

Jiraiya shut his mouth.

"HINATA!" Guy shouted from her left. "POWERSCALE HIM FOR ME!"

She frowned. Her first thought was to tell him 'don't even think about it', especially after the shit she'd seen from the Madara. But, if there was one person she trusted not to let his ego cloud his judgement, it was...Might Gai? Really? Wow, her life was weird.

"Base speed comparable to the Fourth, without Raijin!" She told him. "Susanno's over twice as big and powerful as the Kyuubi avatar! You already know the Rinnegan powers, and he's a pro with them!"

"How pro?" Haku asked.

"Don't even bother casting anything at him, he'll absorb it. If you let him attack you from range, you're dead. If you get in close and he grapples you, you're dead. If you hesitate, even for a moment, you're dead." Hinata replied, frankly.

The Kage (who had already had to fight him once) were looking positively ill at the thought.

"This is why I want Naruto and Sasuke back on their feet!" Hinata _refused_ to look back at her teammates because no matter what she saw, it wasn't going to do her focus any favours right now. "Nobody we have left stands a chance unless they're as powerful as me! That or they're a taijutsu...god..." She looked left again.

Might Gai had a very interesting expression on his face. It was the expression of someone who's entire life had been leading up to this moment.

"HINATA!" He shouted. "I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH TO ACCOMPANY YOU TO FIGHT MADARA UCHIHA!"

She couldn't help but smile back at him, just a little. "Permission granted! Let's go!"

"EXCELLENT!" Gai turned forwards. In front of them, a very large writhing monster stood behind a very small and infinitely more terrifying man. The Taijutsu master, grinning like a manic (Hinata was quickly trying to take back any statements she'd made on his objectivity) held out an arm and made a thumbs up. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" He shouted. "IT HAS BEEN AN HONOUR! EIGHTH GATE-" ( _oh, shit,_ thought Hinata) "OPEN!"

He plunged the thumb into his chest.

* * *

Madara scowled. "What is that." He demanded.

 **Tenseigan.** Replied Zetsu, sounding agitated for the first time Madara had heard. **Hamura's dojutsu. Opposite side of the family tree. Oh, this is probably why Obito wanted me to keep an eye on her...**

"Can I beat her?" Madara asked, simply.

 **Its an equal dojutsu to yours**. Zetsu replied, equally simply.

"Powers?"

 **Fragile powerup, chakra nullification. I...Don't know if she can use the truth seeking orbs or not.**

Madara's eyes narrowed. Unknowns. How he hated them. He'd only been confident taking on Hashirama because there hadn't been any alternatives. That and, inside, he'd _known_ he had the capacity to win. But this girl...

As much as he _ached_ to tousle with her, the plan was too close to fruition to risk it now.

"Slow her down." He instructed.

 **What?** Zetsu sounded affronted. **If I try and possess her with that cloak she'll be able to-**

"You want this as much as I do. Can you keep her occupied for another ten seconds?" Madara interrupted.

There was a millisecond pause.

 **Yes** , came the reply, and then Zetsu was gone.

Madara jumped backwards, landing atop the growing Ten-Tails, and waited.

* * *

Naruto's eyes opened, and he was laying on his back in his mindscape. The room was darker than usual, lit only by a few floating lights high above him, but that was more than enough to illuminate that he was _still in a bloody sewer_. "Getting real sick of this place..." he grumbled, sitting up. "Kyuubi! You there?"

"Gone, for the most part." Said another voice. Naruto turned to see...some dude in a white robe, apparently. _Sure, why not, nothing else in here makes sense_. "There are fragments." The dude admitted, gesturing up at the air above them. "See those? You've got chakra from all nine Bijuu up there. Kurama knew all the tricks you can pull with something like that, of course. Love that guy."

"Uh, cool?" Naruto stood, taking the young man in. He looked...entirely unobtrusive, really. Brown hair, paler skin than standard... "Uh, who you be? I'm more used to voices in my head than you'd think, but usually there's some reason for them to show up..."

"Oh, my bad." The guy jumped up, holding out a hand, grinning a wide, friendly grin. "Good to meet you! I'm Ashura Otsutsuki. Professional shitbag extraordinaire."

"Oh, wait, you can get that as a profession?" Naruto smiled back, shaking the hand. "I've just been doing it in my off-time!"

"Oh don't put yourself down, you're a natural." Ashura chuckled, stepping back. "So, yeah. Why am I in your head? Great question. Uh, I'm sort of...a ghost?"

"A ghost?" Naruto deadpanned.

"Sort of. To be fair this is like the first time this has happened properly I'm not super sure on the process." Ashura looked a little sheepish. "I'm your ancestor. But like, hella far back. My Dad's the sage of six paths."

"Oh." Naruto blinked. "For real?"

"Yep."

"Damn. My Dad's the fourth Hokage, which beats...basically everything except that."

"Yeah, pops is pretty cool. Anyway since I'm basically ninja Jesus, when I died I turned into a force ghost, and this is that. It's pretty neat." Ashura stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned away. "Right, yeah, shit, we should probably focus, we've got stuff to decide...most importantly, what we're doing about your ongoing NDE."

Naruto frowned. "ND-oh, near death experience, got it."

"How do I know more modern vocab than you."

"Hey fuck you, I literally never went to school!"

"Hehehe." Ashura sniggered. "But yeah, you're totes dying."

"Bummer." Naruto frowned, and sighed. "Alright, hit me. What's the gimmick?"

"Gimmick?" Ashura asked.

"The gimmick. Checkov's gun if they bothered to hint it earlier, Deus Ex Machina if they didn't." Naruto cracked his knuckles. "How you gonna get me back in the fight?"

"You really wanna go back out there?" Ashura checked, looking concerned. "You've got no Bijuu anymore. No KCM. And your body has literally no chakra in it right now."

"Eh, no big deal." Naruto waves his hand dismissively. "I'll manage. There's a bunch of natural chakra around: if I plan it right, I can probably get like a full hundred clones in sage mode. At the very least I can support Sasuke."

"The Ten Tails might end up taking all the natural chakra in the immediate area." The ghost warned.

"Wow, you say that like I give a shit." Naruto looked him dead in the eyes. "Buddy. I don't care what the odds are. You're talking to the kid who became a ninja on zero talent, zero real education, zero friends, and a power source that actively wanted to kill him. I'll _crawl_ over to Madara if I have to."

"You won't let anything stop you?" Ashura asked.

Naruto smirked. "I never have before."

Ashura looked at him for a moment. Then made a relieved noise. "Thought so. You're perfect."

"Uh." That wasn't a complement Naruto had ever received before. "Exqueeze me?"

"You aren't me, Naruto Uzumaki. But you've certainly inherited some of my traits." Ashura walked up, and put a hand on his shoulder. "The most important one of which, by far, is determination. The drive to keep trying even when everyone tells you you can't succeed. In you, Naruto, is a burning desire to prove the world wrong."

"Hm?" Naruto tilted his head. "Oh, sure, kinda. At first. But I've actually met some real nice people since this whole shebang started. People I need to protect." He shrugged. "I'm not trying to prove the world wrong, here. I'm trying to keep it safe."

Ashura looked surprised, for a moment. Then he laughed aloud. "Oh, even better. Then you've learned what I had the hardest time learning. Naruto Uzumaki: I choose you."

"...wait was that a Pokemon-"

There was a bright flash.

* * *

Sasuke woke up in his mindscape, and looked around, extremely confused. His, of course, was carefully and artfully designed; a replica of the Uchiha district, though with Naruto and Hinata's individual homes dropped in in certain key places. He'd even built in a day-night cycle, so the moon was hanging high in the sky and illuminating everything in...not the cool white he was used to. It was red.

He looked up to the roof of his own house, and narrowed his eyes. "Who are you and how are you affecting my mindscape?" He asked the dark haired figure in a white robe.

"Because I'm Indra Otsutsuki." The man replied, looking down at him. His eyes were red, with three tomoe. "Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

"Oh. Fair enough." Sasuke shrugged, then frowned. "Hold on, did you knock me out?"

"In a way." Indra dropped down, landing on the gravel pathway and walking over to him. "Though the biological process would have happened regardless. Sasuke, you mind telling me what in the seven hells you were doing?"

"Mind telling me why you're such an asshole?" Sasuke retorted, before he could help himself.

"Well considering the only reason I'm here is because of how similar we are, that's what my brother would call a 'self burn'." Indra replied, crossing his arms. "For real though. You were literally just killing yourself."

"Oh, right, that." Sasuke shrugged. "Naruto was dying. I made him not die."

"You weren't saving him. You were trying to pump chakra into an ex-Jinchurikki." Indra replied, flatly. "You were about to _join_ him."

"Okay admittedly, I was mid-panic at the time." Sasuke allowed. "But I needed to keep him alive long enough for someone to come and resurrect him, so it worked out."

"Why bother?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed again. _That_ was too far. "Excuse the fuck out of you?"

"His Bijuu was extracted. His combat ability was greatly diminished. You're fighting for your life." Indra listed. "Some might say that you were wasting your time, and should have left him in order to fight alongside Hinata."

"Direct me to the people who say so, and I'll go kick their asses." Sasuke replied hotly, a flame of righteous indignation blooming in his stomach. "Two problems with that statement. Problem one: Naruto could kill Madara with two D-rank jutsu and a paperclip if he really had to. Anyone who ever decides he isn't the biggest threat in the room, whatever state he's in, is making a fatal error." Sasuke leaned back. "Problem two: He's my teammate. That means he's family. I shouldn't need to qualify that with anything else."

Indra looked at him curiously for a while. "No." He said eventually, slumping slightly. "You shouldn't. If only I had thought the same...but I suppose that's why you're here. We didn't just need a pair who could follow in our footsteps, as so many have before you. We need two brothers who can be _better_."

He straightened. "Sasuke Uchiha." Indra said. "I choose you."

"...Wait was that a Pokemon-"

There was a bright flash.

* * *

"Reference?" Said Naruto and Sasuke at once, before immediately turning to see each other.

"NARUTO!"

"SASUKE!"

They collided into each other.

"Holy fuck dude I was so worried-"

"You were worried? I thought I was dead-"

" _I_ thought you were dead!"

"I feel like _my_ situation was worse-"

"Fuck off I had to watch!"

Across from them, stood nearby in the empty white void, Ashura glanced sheepishly across at Indra. "Can...can we-"

"We are not hugging." Indra stated, not looking at him.

"Please?"

"No."

"It's been millennia!"

"Tough."

"You're no fun." Ashura pouted.

A ghost of a smile crossed Indra's face. "Nope."

"Children, please. All of you." Boomed an old voice. "We have a limited amount of time, and I have a lot of dope exposition to drop on you, so we'll have to be quick."

Naruto and Sasuke extricated themselves from each other, and turned to see...

"God?" Sasuke guessed, at the exact same time that Naruto said "Gramps?"

"Neither, I'm afraid." Said a man who did look an awful lot like Hiruzen Sarutobi. Except that he had two Rinnegan in his eyes, a black staff across his lab, and a great red rinnegan with Sharingan tomoe in it. Rinne-Sharingan? Sharinnegan? Oh yeah, and he was floating.

"I'm the guy they've been referencing since, like, the very start of this whole thing. I believe your teammate has already met my brother.." He told them. "My name is Hagoromo Otsutsuki. The Sage of Six Paths."

* * *

Hinata looked across at Gai, and in absolute horror, thought _oh, fuck, I don't know if I can heal that. Hearts aren't meant to_ do _that._

On the other hand, Gai looked like he was being possessed by Ares, Hades, Zeus, Son Goku (the bijuu and the anime character) and General Chaos all at once. His hair was red, his skin was black (A, watching from a distance, internally gave Gai the N word pass) and the air around him was literally on fire.

It was terrifying, and that was good. If Hinata's instincts were screaming at her to stay the hell away from him, hopefully Madara's might be doing the same.

She focused back on their target-

And the Tenseigan was the only reason she didn't get her head punched off.

She spun back to Gai in shock as she ducked, and his fist thrust barely over her. For his following kick, she had to jump up, and wouldn't have been able to avoid the elbow that came next if not for Gai freezing up in place, muscles clenching and pain on his face.

"WHAT THE HELL?" She demanded-

Then froze, as she saw the shadows crawling across her once-teacher's body.

" **You know, I must admit.** " Tutted the black, chakra-built _thing_ attached to Gai. " **I really wasn't expecting any of your ilk to become a real problem. Especially after that nonsense with the clan massacre (which, by the way, I had nothing to do with).** "

"Zetsu?" Hinata gaped. "You can fight?"

" _Not really, no._ " Zetsu chuckled. " **But _he_ can**."

 _Oh no._

"HINATA!" The half of Gai's face that remained his own was staring at her pleadingly. "RUN! I...CAN'T-"

And then he blasted towards her.

* * *

" _You're_ the Sage of Six Paths?" Naruto's jaw dropped.

"Yes. That is what I just said." Replied Hagoromo.

"Oh, man." Sasuke blew out a breath. "Yeah the world's kinda gone to shit since you left."

"Oh, I'm aware." Hagoromo rolled his eyes. "Even though I left _someone_ the duty of making that not happen."

"Hey! I'm not immortal either, dad!" Ashura shouted from the sidelines.

"No, I suppose not." the Sage sighed. "I would like to blame it all on Black Zetsu, but I suppose humanity will always be driven to conflict in some degree. Whether that desire is greater than their desire for companionship and community...well, I suppose that remains to be seen."

"Oh yeah, speaking of Black Zetsu." Sasuke held up a hand. "What in the name of _your_ left testacle is actually going on?"

"Right. Exposition." Hagoromo waved a hand, and a tapestry appeared in the space behind him, unrolling to reveal a...

"Is that...is that a PowerPoint presentation?" Naruto snorted.

"And what's wrong with that?" Hagoromo narrowed his eyes, flicking a finger and causing the title "history of the world" to appear with a very flashy animation. It was in comic sans.

"Dad-" Indra sighed-

"Not now, son, I haven't been able to dramatically explain anything for millenia. Let me have this." Hagoromo coughed, and his voice dropped by about an octave. He flicked his finger, and the screen did one of those showy particulate transitions as it switched to the next slide. "Now then. Even I do not have the complete story. For that, you will have to wait until...I don't know, a sequel anime starring your children. Regardless, a long time ago, there was a world. It contained mankind, and an abundance of other life, from the mighty beasts, to the smallest insects, to the grasslands and trees. Conjured by (or perhaps responsible for) this life, was an energy field. One that surrounds and penetrates all living things..."

"The _Force_." Sasuke breathed.

"...No. Nature Energy, Sage Chakra."

Naruto looked like his mind had been _blown_ "Oh my God Senjutsu is totally just the Force-"

" _Anyway._ " Hagoromo interrupted. "Certain beings, the Sage creatures, came to be. Born of the natural energy, and capable of harnessing it. So the world remained for some time, until... _She_ came." The slide changed, to reveal a woman with white hair, pale skin, and Byakugan. "Kaguya Otsutsuki. My mother."

"Wow. That's coming out of absolutely nowhere." Naruto blinked. "Sure would suck if she showed up last second and replaced the final boss fight."

"It sure would." Hagoromo nodded. "Let's hope that doesn't happen. Now, Kaguya brought something with her. A seed, or perhaps an egg. It was both plant and creature, the ultimate tool of the Otsutsuki clan. What it grew into...was something called the Shinju Tree. An enormous tree with roots that slowly spread across the entire planet. It fed upon natural energy, grew, and bore fruit."

Sasuke frowned. "Wait, you said this Kaguya chick 'came'. First of all, hehe, 'came', second of all, came from _where_ exactly?"

"Space." Hagoromo answered.

"...You're kidding me."

"Nope. Specifically, another dimension of space. At least I think so, they certainly _can_ travel between dimensions." Hagoromo shifted, almost nervously. "This may be somewhat hard to believe. But the Otsutsuki clan is a clan of dimension hopping space wizards. They seed life-bearing planets with God Trees, consuming all life on them, bringing home the fruit to use as fuel, and abandoning the husks they leave behind."

"...Wow." Sasuke summarised. "If I hadn't been fighting a Snake-Man in a cave with a sentient shark-sword and the summoned spirit of my dead brother like, less than an hour ago? There is no way I would believe you. But at this point pretty much anything is possible."

"But our planet _isn't_ a dead husk." Naruto pointed out. "I mean, not that any of us have felt really alive in a while, _EYOO_!" He made finger guns, then hi-fived Sasuke. "No for real though, what happened?"

"Most planets that the Otsutsuki 'farmed' were populated only by mere animals. Yet humanity was _sentient_. They were equal to the Otsutsuki in intellect, if not in sophistication or power. And the Otsutsuki were... _compatible_ with them." Hagoromo coughed. "Kaguya fell in love."

"Awww..." Naruto swooned, while Sasuke made a grossed out face.

"Indeed. Mother grew fond of a certain human ruler, and-" the _Sage_ of _Six Paths_ was _blushing_ , "Look, you can extrapolate what happened next. Regardless, Kaguya decided that she didn't actually _want_ to destroy the entire world. So, she betrayed her clan and did the unthinkable: _Ate_ the fruit of the Shinju Tree. Unprocessed, pure, with absolutely no idea what the consequences would be. As it turns out, the result was...this." He pointed at his own head. "The Rinne-Sharingan. And also Rinnegan too, because, you know, why not. Kaguya suddenly held _all_ of the chakra in the world. Ninjutsu chakra, of the kind you are all most used to. For that is what the God Tree does, convert the natural variety into the much more malleable, 'standard' version. Mother ruled as a benevolent Goddess, became the most powerful being in the world...but _only_ the world. She feared that the Otsutsuki would learn of her betrayal, and send pursuers to reclaim what she had stolen and destroy all she cared about. So she enacted a power known as the Infinite Tsukiyomi."

Sasuke winced. "Having seen the ordinary version of the jutsu, I'm very much afraid of what it can do with the _infinite_ prefix stuck in front of it."

"It was about what you might expect, from the name." Hagoromo explained. "It allowed her to entrap living souls in the grasp of the Shinju Tree, showing them endless dreams while draining the chakra from their bodies. She only did it to certain groups at a time, but humanity still began to fear her. Those that were entrapped...became what you know today as Zetsu."

"Oh, fuck _._ " Naruto muttered.

"And the very first human to receive this treatment, whom Kaguya allowed to maintain his consciousness, and granted certain special powers to...was her human husband. Who you now know as Black Zetsu."

"Oh, _fuck."_ Sasuke exclaimed. "She put her husband in a tree? And turned him into a fucking shadow demon?"

"From what I'm told, mother was...changed, after eating the fruit." Hagoromo sighed. "Perhaps the consequences were greater than she thought."

"Still not seeing how we're all still alive and well, though." Naruto pointed out. "And not, you know. Also in a tree."

Hagoromo smiled. "For that, you may thank me and my brother. We were born some time after she ate the fruit, but before she started... _Treeing_ people. What mother didn't realise for some time was that we had inherited a significant portion of her chakra. I developed the Rinnegan, and my brother Hamura, the Tenseigan. But as we slowly discovered what she was doing...what she would do to _us_ if she found out...we hid them from her. We went to the Sage creatures to learn what she wasn't telling us, and they taught us how to wield the weapon she could not: Natural Energy, pure and unaltered. We became the first Sages."

Naruto didn't break eye contact, but held a hand out to his side and beckoned. Sasuke obligingly pulled a scroll from his pocket, unsealed it to reveal a box of popcorn, and handed some over.

"Of course, with our mother's dojutsu, there was no way to hide our burgeoning powers from her forever. When we were still young men, not much older than yourselves, she grew enraged and attempted to reclaim what we had 'stolen' from her. With our newfound Senjutsu abilities, we were able to fend her off. Until..."

Hagoromo pinched his forehead. "Have I mentioned that Kaguya was absolutely batshit crazy?"

"It was implied." Naruto answered, through a mouthful of popcorn.

"Right. Well, as far as she was concerned, she needed Sage Chakra to combat ours. And the _perfectly logical_ way to do that? She merged with the Shinju Tree."

"She..." Sasuke blinked. "Like. Like fusion in Dragon Ball? With a _tree?_ "

"Yes. Like...in Dragon Ball." Hagoromo looked less than pleased with the comparison. "She became a true monster, inside and out. A beast that felt nothing but hunger for power. She became...the Ten-Tails."

"Oh, _FUCK._ " Said Naruto and Sasuke, simultaneously.

"And then we had to fight it." Hagoromo smirked at their expressions. "It was myself and my brother against the most powerful creature on the planet. And let me tell you...

It was fucking _biblical_."

* * *

It was Hinata's turn to be absolutely bricking it, and oh boy, was she using that opportunity to its fullest.

"WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME!" She screamed, desperately flying away from her pursuer.

Might Gai was not demonstrating the incredible Taijutsu prowess that had earned him the nickname 'the maginificent Green Beast' (Though Hinata suspected he might have started that entirely on his own). He was swinging at her with reckless abandon, wild kicks and haymakers replacing his ordinarily flawless technique. Of course, that would be because his actions were being controlled by an inexperienced puppeteer, and Gai himself was fighting back against every single move.

" **You are awfully resilient, you know that?** " Black Zetsu tutted, from the other side of Gai's face. " **For goodness sake, I'm only trying to make you murder a child...** "

"HINATA!" Gai shouted at her, struggling to even get the words out. "FLEE! MY BODY WILL GIVE OUT IN JUST A FEW SECONDS!"

"I CAN'T!" She shouted back, grimacing. Even besides the fact that she knew he would die when this technique ended; a few seconds was all Madara would need to absorb the Ten-Tails. The Juubi's power in the hands of someone actually _cognisant_ of it? The very concept terrified her. Desperately, she turned aside two of Gai's punches, then twisted around and brought an axe kick down on his head.

Gai blurred.

Space itself seemed to bend around him, and his third punch took her in the stomach before her next attack could land.

Without the Tenseigan cloak, it would have obliterated her entire torso. As was, it only tore a gaping hole in it, sending her tumbling away to crash through a nearby rock and land on the ground. Her cloak had shattered upon the impact, because of course it had, which left her bleeding profusely onto the stone on her knees and significantly slower as Gai blasted down towards her and-

 _Just stack all your powers use all your powers right now!_

"FOURTH GATE OPEN!" She shouted, using Kesshotoketsu to cover Gai in crystal as her skin flashed red, then white, as her Vishnu covered her body and blocked off the hole in her stomach.

He shattered through the crystal immediately, but it bought her barely enough time to dive haphazardly away as his fist buried into the earth just beside her head. She froze him there again, making hand seals, and then when he'd ripped free he was faced by half a dozen shadow clones, which he tore rapidly through but not before two or three of them could punch him with tenketsu strikes. Not that any of those did anything. Blocking his chakra points in this state was like trying to close the top of an erupting volcano. "KESSHOTOKETSU-CHIDORI SHARP SPEAR!" She hurled her strongest standard attack at him as he turned back to her.

A perfectly ordinary punch obliterated it, and he charged.

"OH COME ON!" _Maybe the Kage are having a better time of it than I am?_

* * *

"ATTAAAAAAACK!" Raikage A roared, leading the charge of some of the worlds strongest ninja on the forming Ten-Tails.

A very much not distracted Madara Uchiha glanced at them.

"RETREEEEEEAT!" Raikage A screamed, leading the charge of some of the world's strongest ninja away from a storm of fire and a giant blue sword.

* * *

 _Fuck_.

Hinata grit her teeth, and span into a "LIONFIST-KESSHOTOKETSU-HEAVENLY SPIN!" that was barely able to block one kick from Gai, giving a clone time to substitute with her to stop the following punch from burying into her head.

Her Tenseigan glowed blue as she tried to call up another counter-chakra cloak, but she was still inexperienced and it took _time_ , something she absolutely did not have. "WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING US YOU WERE THE _WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL MAN!_ " She shouted at Gai, genuinely a bit miffed about it. Seriously, Might _Dai_ had only been seven swordsmen level with the Eighth Gate, what bullshit was this? Then again, Dai had still been a Genin even as a grown man, while Gai had been a rival to Kakashi, who was almost Kage level...

"HUMILITY IS A VERY YOUTHFUL TRAIT!" Came the predictable response. "AND EVEN I WAS NOT AWARE OF THE- _DUCK_!"

She did, then jumped up to avoid a low sweep. Gai grabbed her foot, and yanked her back down, slamming her ten feet deep into the floor. _Well, that leg's broken._

She pulled out a certain lightning release technique she'd used once against Sai, blowing up everything around her and allowing her to hop up on her good leg, landing some distance away and firing a bolt of electricity at Gai.

It hit him.

It didn't really do anything though.

" **Hurry up Madara...** " Black Zetsu muttered, whirling Gai's body to face her again. " **I've only got a few more milliseconds here...** "

Forcing her broken leg back into place, not so much healing it as using the Vishnu to ignore the problem, Hinata was able to smile. Zetsu said earlier that he wasn't sure how the Tenseigan worked. _He doesn't know_ I _know he's telling the truth._

She turned, and charged for the Ten-Tails.

"Oh no you don't!" Zetsu snarled, charging after her. Gai's body was still faster than her, and she'd barely made it halfway before he was almost within punching distance of the back of her head. Her wings blasted air faster than they ever had before, her 360-vision simultaneously tracking Zetsu's rate of approach and the distance between her and her target.

To her relief, she was barely able to make it.

Not to the Ten-Tails, of course.

To a long, thin fissure in the ground she'd spotted, formed by a missed attack from a rampaging Juubito.

She grabbed the lip with both arms and ignored the burn as she flung herself downwards, thrusting her wings outwards to dig into the rocks to either side of her and halt her descent (for those at home keeping track, this meant that she was now hurting basically _everywhere_ ).

Zetsu wasn't able to stop Gai fast enough, he went careening right over the gap before trying to slide to a stop. By which point, Hinata had already jumped back up...and started running away again.

Because really, how else was she going to beat _Might Fucking Gai._

" **Get back here!** " Zetsu snarled, charging right back after her-

But he stumbled, and fell to one knee. " ** _Dammit._** " He hissed, trying to stand once more, and collapsing again.

That was what Hinata had been waiting for. She about turned, and tore back towards him.

" **No. No, no, not now.** " Zetsu growled, grin _finally_ falling from his face. " **Just a few more seconds-** " Hinata wasn't giving him a few more seconds. She sprinted in, batting away a weak attempt at a block, and pulled one arm back, generating a lionfist. The Tenseigan cloak wasn't charged yet, but if he was made out of chakra, _this_ should still work.

"Get the _fuck_ out of my teacher!" She snarled, throwing her arm forwards.

It didn't reach it's destination.

Gai's fist snapped out, grabbing her about the neck and lifting her off the ground, before slamming her into the floor. She gasped in pain, vision blurring, neck damaged possibly seriously, even as Gai's voice screamed a pained "NO!"

" **Three lessons, little girl.** " Zetsu chuckled, clearly having a whale of a time even as his host's body _burned_ beneath him. " **Lesson one; I may know little about the Tenseigan, but I worked with Neji long enough to understand the Gokei. Lesson two; your eyes' truth-seeing relies on observation of biochemistry, which I don't _have._ But I learned rather quick how to fake the little signs that a truth or lie gives off. Lesson three; if you maintain a facade of perfect confidence for long enough, and then it _drops?_ People will scramble to capitalise on the perceived 'weakness'.**" He pulled his other fist upwards. " **And Madara would be _furious_ at me for wasting time gloating like this, so lets minimise the rest of the risk. He was right, after all. I am desperate to see mt darling again."**

 _What the hell does that-_

 **"Goodbye, little Hamura."**

Hinata thrust up with a chidori, but it barely grazed the skin of Gai's shoulder. It was nowhere near enough. Face a rictus of hurt and rage fist tore down towards her head.

* * *

 **Kishimoto, slamming his hands on his desk: "HE DID IT AGAIN! HE'S FUCKING HEADCANONING AGAI-"**

 **The Boruto manga is flipping enlightening, guys. The anime is trash, but the stuff they're dropping in the book is crazy. I'm making the stuff about Black Zetsu up, but the deets on the Ten-Tails? The God Tree? I'm extrapolating a lot from what they say, but...It definitely wasn't there before Kaguya showed up. And the Otsutsuki was no joke.**

 **The stuff about Hagoromo's past was just me trying to put together a vaguely consistent plotline from the (*cough* contradictory *cough*) stuff in the anime, manga, and filler.**

 **And Gai...is Gai. Namely, an absolute Mad Lad.**


	89. Helpfully Colour Co-Ordinated Powerups

**Helpfully Colour Co-ordinated Powerups**

* * *

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?" Tsunade screamed.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Orochimaru screamed back louder.

"What, so you're saying that THAT-" she pointed at Naruto and Sasuke. They were still glowing purple and gold. "Just _HAPPENED_?"

"What, you think that in the middle of all this I-" Orochimaru stopped, looked down again. "Wait. Shut up."

"Oh, now you're trying to tell me to-"

"SHUT UP!" Orochimaru snapped, crouching down next to the pair. "Look!"

Tsunade did. And frowned.

She certainly didn't have the chakra vision that came with certain dojutsu, and she wasn't about to interfere with whatever the hell was happening by sticking her own hands into the mix.

But she could see that the two colours were...spreading. Gold sliding across onto Sasuke, and purple beginning to cover Naruto.

"I'm aware I'm judging this from the most layman perspective possible." Orochimaru said. "But...are their chakras-"

"Mixing?" Tsunade finished. "I...I think so."

* * *

Sasuke tried to process what he was being told. "So. You and your brother...murdered god?"

Next to him, Naruto seemed less skeptical and more _absolutely ecstatic_.

"Well, sort of." Hagoromo admitted to them. "We couldn't kill Kaguya. Could barely beat her. The only option for dealing with her permanently was sealing her away, but the issue we faced was _where_. You've witnessed that the more powerful a being you attempt to seal, the more difficult it is. A scroll wasn't going to cut it."

"You could have tried to put her in the Reaper?" Sasuke suggested. "Wait, hold on, how does the Reaper and the afterlife fit into all this?"

"I have literally no idea." Hagoromo admitted. "As in I haven't the foggiest how that relates to _any_ of this. I don't even know how the Uzumaki came up with all that. It's a little concerning."

"Oh."

"But, well, without literally summoning death itself, there were only two possible hosts to seal the Ten-Tails into." Hagoromo sighed. "And Hamura called 'not it' first."

"You became the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails?" Sasuke's mouth fell open.

"You were strong enough to _fight the Ten-Tails_ and then you became the _Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails?_ " Naruto was now looking suitably horrified. "Sasuke, where did you put the 'increase estimated threat level' button, I need it."

Hagoromo rolled his eyes (sort of. It was hard to tell with the Rinnegan.) "Relax, I'm dead now. I'm not much of a fighter anymore. Indeed, as I grew old and my body began to fail, I knew that I could not allow the monster within me to ravage the world again. I also did not desire to force another to bear the burden I had, for carrying that thing in my mind for so long was...taxing. So I had an idea." He waved a hand at Sasuke, who still had Samehada slung over his back. "Hello dear, by the way."

" **Hello darling~** " Spoke the sword, causing Naruto to scream and jump about ten feet away. " **It's been too long.** "

"It has." Hagoromo replied, smiling. "Are my descendants treating you well?"

" **Varies from person to person. This latest one is a strapping young man, I'm sure he'll do great things.** "

Naruto pointed a shaking finger at it. "Sasuke, has your sword...always? Done that?"

"Yeeeeeah...Probably should have brought it up. I try to ignore it." Sasuke admitted sheepishly.

" **Hey!** "

"With Samehada, some other tools, and the Creation Of All Things technique, I was able to split the Ten-Tails." Hagoromo explained. "The result...was the nine tailed beasts."

"Okay, yeah, question." Naruto interrupted, holding a hand up. "I've wanted this answered for bloody years. The beasts have different power levels based on their tails, right?"

Hagoromo winced, likely realising where this was going. "Yep."

" _Why the hell is it exponential!_ " Naruto practically screamed. "Why is it one through nine tails if the thing has _ten_ , why isn't one tail's worth consistent from beast to beast, why-"

" _It was an accident!_ " Hagoromo shouted back. "Okay? There, I said it!" He slumped, groaning. "I'm _sorry_ if the time when I _split a mad god_ into _separate sentient beings_ wasn't done _cleanly_ enough for you. I had a big bloody monster that I'd just let out of myself and I only knew one spell that carved a certain chunk off it, so I just...did that. Over and over again."

Ashura and Indra were snickering at him, and he glared at them. " _Shut it_. But yes, Kurama was about forty-odd percent of the Ten-Tails? I think? And then when the Ten-Tails was still alive I just...did it again. Gyuki was forty odd percent of what was left, then Chomei was about forty percent of what was left after that...you get the idea. Eventually I cut Shukaku off and the remainder (what you call the Gedo Mazo) stopped moving. And then I stuck it in Hamura's basement and swore him to secrecy about the whole thing."

" **You should have seen it.** " Samehada laughed. " **It was just him swinging me up and down in a panic for almost forty minutes. I don't think he stopped screaming for the entire time.** "

Hagoromo turned around and started sulking. Indra and Ashura were in stitches laughing.

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged a glance.

"So he's an idiot." Sasuke summarised.

"Would you expect anything else from _our_ grandpa?" Naruto replied, giggling.

"Got enough of this shit from Hamura, fucking horsecrap..." Hagoromo grumbled. "Anyway, Bijuu. They exist. But what the Rinnegan can do, the Rinnegan can undo. What was split apart can be put back together again. I doubt I need to explain to you why you need to stop this 'Madara' fellow-"

"Because my brother has terrible taste in men." Ashura sniggered, still stood to one side.

" _Fuck you._ " Indra scowled, blushing.

"I'm _getting_ there." Hagoromo told them, shooting an irritated look.

"You're taking too long, Dad!" Ashura complained.

"There's a lot to get to!"

"Just do the bloodline bit, the mixie bit, and then let them out."

"Damn kids these days. No appreciation for a good exposition delivery..." Hagoromo huffed, and turned back to Naruto and Sasuke, who were trying not to laugh.

"Anyway. Myself and Hamura both had children, and following the same pattern as us and Kaguya, those children's powers were diluted. My two sons were Indra and Ashura here. The former wielded the Sharingan (and a bunch of other stuff) while the latter wielded wood release (and a bunch of other stuff). And as their descendants in turn spread through the world and-"

"Fuuuuuuucked!" Ashura said, very loudly, before Indra grabbed him and hip-threw him onto the floor.

"Thank you son. Yes, that. The bloodlines spread further. Merged, separated, and merged again, until we were left with what we have today. All leading to you two, and what is currently happening to you."

"Right." Naruto nodded. "What is happening exactly?"

"Sasuke-kun has put himself inside of you!" Ashura shouted, before gargling as Indra grabbed him by the throat. The pair continued to grapple on the floor.

Naruto gave Sasuke a questioning look, and the Uchiha coughed and shifted in place. "I shared my chakra with you to try and make you not die. It...worked?"

"Oh, it did more than work." Indra told him, arms wrapped around his brother's throat. "You weren't just sharing chakra with your friend. You were merging the chakra of the descendants of me and my brother. You were recreating the chakra of the _Sage of Six Paths_."

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other in shock.

There was a twist, and Ashura broke his brother's hold, then flipped him onto the bottom, saying: "Chakra is a tool that brings people together. In this case, you. Your bodies have some of the DNA of pops in you; the DNA of _Kaguya_. And now that you've come together, it's _remembering_."

"GET OFF!" Indra snarled. Ashura did, and the pair stood up, straightening.

"But not without us." Ashura continued. "I mean, maybe if you two had a kid-"

"We're both dudes!"

"-Then they might be the most powerful ninja born in millennia. But since we're doing this in the external way rather than the inherited..." Ashura grinned. "Your bodies will need reminding."

"Nothing too special happens without our assistance." Indra grimaced. "Which I really _shouldn't_ have given to Madara, he just demonstrated a very impressive resolve. Because obviously, if the Rinnegan had appeared every time our descendants got touchy feely, Black Zetsu would have had a far easier time of it all..."

"Wait wait wait wait wait." Sasuke held up a hand. "Did you just say _Rinnegan_?"

The two brothers looked at each other. Smirked.

"Tell me, kiddos." Ashura said eventually. "What would you say to some Brand New High Risk Superpowers?"

* * *

In the wasteland of the Fourth Great Shinobi war, there was a moment where everyone seemed to hold their breath.

The amassed armies of shinobi didn't really know what to do.

Tsunade and Orochimaru were quietly panicking over Sasuke and Naruto's bodies.

The Kage were recovering from the second time in as many hours that someone had tried to kill them all with a giant blue sword.

Madara stood atop the flailing, shuddering Ten-Tails, arms crossed, impatiently tapping his foot at a rapid pace.

And Might Gai stood over Hinata, fist not a centimetre from her head.

Which meant, strangely enough, that it wasn't currently buried inside it.

Hinata reopened her eyes, and looked up in shock.

The expression on Might Gai's face was one that would stay with her for the rest of her life, however long that came to be.

His teeth were clenched, pupils practically invisible, skin ash-black and hair glowing red. The sheer visceral _tension_ in his body was unmistakable, Hinata could practically _feel_ it, as he slowly opened his mouth.

For everything that was happening, his voice was actually quite quiet.

"No." He uttered.

The fist began to pull back.

" **Excuse me?** " Black Zetsu sounded just plain surprised. " **What the hell do you think you're-** "

Gai's other arm pulled back, began to thrust forwards-

Stopped, just like the other one.

Gai straightened, allowing Hinata to scramble back across the stone.

His whole body was shaking, Hinata could see blood vessels bursting everywhere, and the Gate of Death was reaching it's namesake. The sheer agony Gai must have been in didn't even bear thinking about.

Nonetheless, he took a step backwards.

" **What?** " Zetsu was panicking now, only blackness squirming across the surface of Gai's body. " **This isn't possible! No mere human can resist the True Shadow Possession! I _am_ chakra! I'm controlling every mote of energy in your body!**"

"But the Eight Gates don't use chakra..." Hinata breathed. She clambered shakily to her feet.

"You-ngh-made one critical error!" Gai said, as he pulled both his arms out to either side. "There is...no...shadow...THAT CAN DOUSE THE FIRES OF YOUTH!"

He forced himself down onto one knee and looked up at Hinata, torso and throat bared.

"MY STUDENT!" He shouted. "LOOK DOWN THE PATHS OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF DEFEAT, AND SEE THAT THE WORLD WILL SUFFER FOR IT! MUSTER YOUR RESOLVE! DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!"

Hinata grimaced, fists clenching to either side of her. But she sure as _hell_ wasn't going to ruin this moment for him. A blue flame engulfed her, the Tenseigan Cloak having finally had enough time to replenish itself.

" **This cannot be!** " Shrieked Black Zetsu. " **I have forced the kindest of men to slaughter their own families! I have swung the sword-arm of Indra himself! I cannot be foiled by some, some, some _beast_ in a _jumpsuit_! This is _impossible_!**"

"Rule one of the ninja world." Hinata told him, eyes hard. "The universe does not care what you believe to be impossible." She bared her own teeth in a feral smile.

"Especially not when it's being done by a man with the heart of a lion, and everything to lose!"

Her gaze softened as she looked at the more human part of her target's face. "Gai-Sensei? It has been an absolute pleasure."

Konoha's Green Beast smiled. "Likewise. Tell Kakashi that he is my greatest friend, and Lee that I love him like my own son. Now STRIKE!"

Hinata struck.

Black Zetsu was fast in his attempt to flee Gai's body, but Hinata was faster. She blitzed forwards and grabbed Gai, one hand on his head and the other on his heart, and Counter Chakra blazed into intensity around her fingers.

She didn't want to risk what might or might not kill the wretched parasite, so resorted to the most certain method of dealing with it she could think of. Namely, powering her lionfists up the wazoo.

 _You're chakra, huh? Thanks for letting me know._

Ths monster's screams reached a fever pitch, then distorted and split, as the shadows were inexorably pulled off Gai's body and consumed in flame.

Hinata didn't kill Black Zetsu.

She _absorbed_ him.

* * *

The process ended with a flash, and Hinata staggered forwards, barely able to catch herself, nevermind Gai. Still, she did so, lowering him to the floor.

She had hoped, but, no: His heart was no longer beating. His entire body had been cooked from the inside out, cracks in his skin revealing hot orange glows that wisps of steam lazily twirled up from. His eyes were rolled back into his forehead, and his body was still.

Hinata sighed, and laid him down. "That was the most badass thing I've ever seen," she told him, "you absolute fucking legend."

Gai did not reply, and if one corner of his mouth had twitched upwards, then she would have convinced herself that she was imagining it.

Taking a second to think, she found that she could still hear some stray thoughts that most certainly weren't hers in her head. Black Zetsu was _still there_ , inside _her_ now, annoyingly, which might become a problem in the future. For now though, he was dealt with. Which just left...

"For the record." She called out, floating up again and turning to Madara, "If there exists a physical limit on how pissed off someone can be at a person, then I've hit that with you. Like I've reached that point. I'm as pissed at you as I once was with Neji, and that's saying something."

"I don't know who that is and I don't care." He announced, as she closed the distance between them.

"Yeah, figures." She chuckled. A few of Zetsu's scattered thoughts came to her, and she went "Huh. Hey you know the shadow-man was planning to betray you, right?"

"Oh he was?" Madara paused, seeming to think about it. "Yeah, figures. I knew he had something up his sleeve, but wasn't sure how he planned to do it." He sighed and stretched. "And once again you fall victim to the error that plagued so many of my opponents before you: not taking the time to think your actions through."

"One of our last enemies is dealt with." Hinata reviewed, "I'm still at full strength and you're all alone now."

"Oh is that how you see it?" Madara smiled a hunter's smile. "Look at it from my perspective. Two of the only people who could threaten me are now dead, I didn't have to lift a finger...and it's wasted more than enough of your time."

Beneath him, the mature Ten-Tails opened its mouth and roared. Madara put his hands together. "SIX PATHS-"

"SHIT!" Hinata blasted towards him-

"TEN TAILS COFFIN SEAL!"

* * *

The blank white world rumbled around it's occupants.

Indra and Ashura both looked up at the same time, staring at (apparently) nothing. They both simultaneously said "Fuck."

"What? What happened?" Naruto asked.

"The Ten-Tails has a new host." Hagoromo said, gravely.

"Told you you were taking too long!" Ashura complained.

"Then let's not delay further by arguing." Hagoromo swept his hand through the air, forestalling further complaints. "Naruto. Sasuke. Your time has come. Are you prepared?"

"Go out and fight Madara? We've been doing that all fucking day." Sasuke shrugged, trying to hide the fact that Madara Uchiha with the power of the Ten-Tails scared him beyond the capacity for rational thought. "But uh, if you have power-ups, we'll take them."

"Got it." Ashura walked up. "Alright 'ninja', time to see what you're really made of. Hands out, do what we do."

Ashura and Indra both reached an arm out to each other, touching palms, and stretched their other arm forwards.

Naruto and Sasuke mimicked them, Naruto touching Ashura's palm while Sasuke touched Indra's. The four stood in a square, and their bodies all lit up glowing.

"One last warning." Hagoromo called to them. "Naruto, what you gain here will allow you to continue to fight, but your chakra channels are still critically broken. You will have to draw on the chakra of your teammates to survive."

"Well that's not a long-term solution. How do I fix it?" Naruto shouted back, as the light surrounding the four intensified.

"Look within yourself!" Hagoromo instructed. "A greater power still lies there! Grasp it, and follow in my footsteps!"

Naruto blinked. "That's _super_ vague! The world's at stake, can you be more specific?"

"Fine!" Hagoromo shouted. "What you want to do is-"

Naruto whited out.

* * *

Tsunade and Orochimaru both took a step back, as the glow around Naruto and Sasuke's bodies pulsed once, then vanished.

A full second passed.

Then they both opened their eyes.

* * *

Hinata didn't hesitate for a moment, holding both hands out in front of herself and channeling her chakra outwards.

What resulted was, well, basically a giant Kamehameha. A blast of blue energy tore forwards, punching into the cloud of smoke that had been whipped up by Madara's sealing.

She saw it fail.

The Shinra Tensei (which was kinda similar to her Heavenly Spin, now she thought about it) gave Madara a sphere of protection from the beam. With her Tenseigan, she saw him idly reach out to the edge of said sphere, touching one hand to the energy, and go "hmm." as his fingers burned off completely.

The Shinra Tensei was only a brief reprieve, and Hinata was maintaining the pressure on the energy beam, but Madara had much more up his sleeve for when it ran out. Ten black orbs floated around his back, and three of them swung round in front of him, merging together into a shield that had no problem holding her attack at bay.

The fingers on his hand regenerated while he was doing so.

Hinata "tch"d and gave up on the blast, flying in with energy curling about her hands. When she finally got close enough to get a good look at him...

Yeah, that was about what she'd expected, really.

Madara's hair was white, and his skin was pale. His two Rinnegan gleamed, and worse, there was this strange fold in his forehead around which chakra swirled intensely.

A Truth-Seeking orb morphed into a black war fan, which he swung up at her, even as she pivoted in midair and brought one fist down.

The resulting explosion sent pieces of the landscape flying away around them.

Neither of their arms gave.

"So I can't absorb or nullify your strange Tenseigan chakra." He mused. "But then again, you can't do the same to mine...thank you, I'll keep that in mind. Limbo."

A hand grabbed her leg.

It was only able to catch her by surprise because it had appeared out of nowhere, this ethereal clone of Madara had just poofed into existence and _grabbed_ her, _what level of bullshit is this?_

She disengaged from the real Madara and brought her wings around, skewering the duplicate below it's ribs on both sides of its torso.

She backflipped in midair, kicked away a fan swing from Madara and hurled the clone away, then _all the fucking truth seeking orbs at once_ were coming at her.

She pulled her wings up to block six ( _OW-_ ) and caught one in each of her arms ( _Vishnu, remember? Four. Oh yeah, also OW-_ )

Which naturally put Madara in the perfect position to pull his fist back and punch her in the stomach.

 _Gai hits way harder than you._ Was her first thought, but the attack was still more than enough to tear away her Tenseigan cloak and send her plummeting back to the ground. She coughed, on her knees, and slowly stood back up. "Okay, this powerup is super annoying." She groused. "It ditches you faster than Ino when she realises you're a romantic rival...okay wow that one was a little harsh."

Madara seemed to give absolutely zero fucks about her cloak, instead offering her a confused look. "You can see the Limbo clones?"

Hinata blinked, looked, and finally paid closer attention to the etherial doppelganger that was currently stood on the floor in front of him, in a defensive posture.

Now that he mentioned it, she couldn't actually _see_ it, given that there wasn't anything there. There was a brief moment of whiplash where she tried to actually bother interpreting what the Tenseigan was telling her. _A_ _greater dojutsu than your ancestors have held for generations, and you're letting it run on autopilot. Good job._

It was the forces, she realised after a moment. She could _see forces_ now. There was pressure, a place where the air wasn't, in the shape of a Madara. Nothing was contained there, it was like the force was being exerted from...somewhere else? But he referred to them as clones, so he wasn't just using the Deva path's telekinesis to create a force zone...

None of that was what she said, though. When he said "You can see the Limbo clones?", what she _said_ was "What, like it's hard?"

He raised an eyebrow at that. "Says the girl with the second best dojutsu in existence."

She shrugged, using all the time he was wasting to try and recharge her TCM. "First of all, that's a pretty bold claim. The Tenseigan's meant to be equal to the Rinnegan."

"I wasn't saying the Rinnegan was first." He smirked.

"Huh. Well I'll unpack _that_ later. And second, I'd also be able to see them if I, oh I don't know, splattered them with paint? Tossed a cloud of chalkdust in the air? Naruto could have worked your secret out in his first year of the academy."

Madara shrugged. "Odd, then, that it's what I used to kill him."

Her temper flared, as did her chakra, as the Tenseigan cloak reasserted itself. "Prick. And why in the hell did you just spend a full, real time second allowing me to-"

 _HEY MAYBE IT'S THAT THING HE LITERALLY TOLD US ABOUT WITH THE THINKING ABOUT OUR ACTIONS._

Hinata stopped laser focusing her Tenseigan on Madara and his clone, instead resorting to a more standard 'use your Byakugan to look everywhere' viewpoint.

And then she realised.

"Oh, right, got it. Think your actions through. See, I'm learning."

And then the ground beneath her exploded.

She leapt up as giant roots tore up from the stone, then down again, digging in deep and away, and an enormous tree trunk erupted from the ground behind Madara. It was the biggest thing she'd ever seen, almost as wide as the Ten-Tails and quickly growing _much_ taller than it.

"What in the everloving..." Hinata breathed.

"The Shinju Tree." Madara helpfully informed her. "If it finishes growing I win instantly."

"Right. Got it." She started flying towards him again.

Madara's Rinnegan flashed and the Limbo clone was joined by three more, all of whom moved to intercept her. One punch was enough to let her know they were weaker than he was ( _thank Kami_ ) but considering that he was definitely on a level above her...

She struck one, knocking it back, parried two more with her wings and kneed another in the chest, then axed her leg down and slammed it's head into the floor.

Two anchored themselves to the floor with chakra, effectively holding her in place, while the one she'd knocked away was blowing a giant fireball at her ( _they can use Jutsu? Good to know)._ She yanked up the one she'd knocked into the floor and threw it into the oncoming fire, resulting in an explosion that at the very least wasn't on her, and then she channeled lightning chakra out through her wings into her oppressors hands. That didn't seem to do anything though, so she threw a little Adamantine energy into the mix, and _that_ got them to unhand her, the force vanishing from her wings as their physical forms seemed to flicker slightly under it's effects. She span around into a jump and kicked one in the head with the same energy, causing said head to disintegrate, before turning to the other and peppering it's body with palm strikes. By that point, the firey pair were back upon her, and the others were reconstituting even as she watched _oh for goodness sake they're like the Edos and they're Wasting My Time-_

Time to try out the rest of her skillset. Specifically, the telekinetic aspects. She reached out to either side and _pushed,_ and an omnidirectional wave of force spread outwards, tearing up the rubble around her and forcing the Limbo clones away. _Bootleg Shinra Tensei: Achieved._ She took off again, towards the tree, and the damn clones followed, substituting or body flickering out in front of her and bombarding her with long ranged fire attacks. She dodged what she could, shrugging off the rest, _finally_ the TCM's chakra countering properties were helping her for once, and maybe if she just used the Gryphon as a regular attack she'd be able to blow the damn tree in half, because it was growing _fast,_ the blood-red flower bud at it's top stretching higher and higher into the sky.

She began making the hand seals on the fly, then was forced to stop and throw herself left as a giant sword sliced through the air she'd once occupied. She turned back and glared.

"THE LIMBO CLONES CAN MAKE THEIR _OWN_ _SUSANNO?_ " She bitched, seeing Madara chuckle through her Tenseigan, before charging up another crystal chidori and slamming it into the fist that was coming at her from one of the four blue titans. They weren't as ungodly tall as Madara's personal Susanno was, but they were still massive, and though her attack shredded the entire arm of the aggressor, she was quickly reminded of an important fact: You can't use sticky shoes to cheat conservation of momentum when you're _flying._ She was sent careening backwards through the air, and before she could recover, another of the Susanno grabbed her completely in it's palm and swung her around, making to slam her into the floor. She made use of the good old 'firecracker in the hand' technique to blow the fist apart midway through, and was able to land hard on her feet, knees bending into a squat from the sheer Gs she was tanking. Grimacing with closed eyes ( _OW!_ ) she waved one hand in response to an incoming swing, manipulating force to make the giant sword of one of the attackers just barely miss her, stabbing into the floor less than a metre to her right. Immediately after, the other three all made simultaneously to do the same thing.

She exhaled, held her arms out, _felt_ and _saw_ and _pushed-_

The swings never landed.

Around her, stone began to levitate upwards into the air. The Susanno did the same; the blanket field of force she was exerting simply dragging everything _upwards_ because _try sticking to the floor when you're floating inside a big blue robot, fuckers!_

For a brief moment, she realised that she was basically a Jedi, and that Naruto and Sasuke were going to be pissed when they found out.

The Limbo clones had a solution, however. The blades in their hands all flashed with blue fire and transformed into bows, with which they quickly took aim.

 _OH COME ON-_

Abandoning any further herbicidal plans, Hinata swept her arms around in a circle, shouting "Heavenly Spin!"

The dome of swirling force was amplified by the Tenseigan's power. All four Susanno arrows streaked through the air towards her, and clattered off her defense like so many matchsticks. But now they had just dropped back to the floor, and were reloading, and she just wanted them _out of the way-_

"NGAAAAAH!" She channeled as much power as she could into the dome, spinning faster and faster, forcing it to expand _outwards._

Outwards it went. The dome increased from ten metres in radius to twenty, fifty, a hundred, _more._ The Limbo clones were caught up in it and forced outwards, the giant blue avatars sent tumbling away across the landscape.

The dome dispersed, and Hinata didn't waste a single moment catching her breath. She started making the hand seals for the Gryphon again, turning back to the Shinju tree to see _MADARA RIGHT THERE,_ the real version of him flying rapidly towards her with a spear made of truth-seeking orbs outstretched.

She fired off the Gryphon, the giant electrical lion-owl blasting out towards Madara...who simply threw his spear. It obliterated her attack on contact, because of _course_ it did, and she desperately beat her wings to try and get out of the way even though a quick maths check told her that there was no way she would be able to.

In the end, though, she needn't have bothered.

There was a flash, and a stone in front of her suddenly wasn't a stone. Instead, appearing in it's place...

"Sorry we were so late!" Sasuke Uchiha grinned back at her. Gone were his usual dark eyes, or even his red Mangekyo. Instead, both orbs were purple, with concentric circles spreading out from the centre. "We got lost on the road of life _._ "

His right arm was extended outwards. Grasping that arm, turning back, Naruto flashed her a smile as well. His appearance was, seemingly, totally unchanged. "But _come on._ Like we were going to miss this?"

The spear was still flying towards them, but Naruto held out his free hand and _caught_ the tip of it. The black energy seemed to flow around his arm like water, the densest chakra Hinata had ever seen changing itself at Naruto's command, he _directed_ it in a circle around the three of them before throwing it back at it's sender.

The energy reformed itself into orbs, then returned to the set of ten floating around Madara's back. Madara, who was now looking much less cocky than he had a few moments ago.

Naruto closed his eyes and focused. Slowly, space warping around them, Truth Seeking Orbs began to grow into existence around him, spawning in the air from seemingly nothing. He was able to make six before visibly sagging, taking deep breaths.

"Easy." Sasuke warned, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "We don't have _your_ nigh-infinite supplies of chakra anymore."

"Don't, haah, worry." Naruto shook his head and looked up, eyes hard. "I'll make these last."

Hinata was still looking between them in shock. "You...you're alive?"

"Last I checked." Naruto smirked in a way that was _significantly hotter_ than it had any right to be.

"And you-" Hinata stopped. Pointed at Sasuke. "You have the Rinnegan."

"Yup." Sasuke nodded. He did. Two of them.

"And _you_ -" She pointed back at Naruto. "You have Yin-Yang release?"

"I...think so?" He looked her up and down. "What did _you_ get?"

"Tenseigan." She answered, shrugging. "Long story."

"Yeah I bet. Did you have to talk to a ghost for yours?"

"Yes, actually." Hinata sighed. "Life is...weird, recently."

"Yeah no shit." Sasuke snorted. "Case in point: There's a giant tree over there that's literally just stopped growing."

Hinata blinked. Then coughed. "Ah. We, uh. We weren't supposed to let it do that."

The trio turned.

Madara didn't seem to be paying them much attention any more. He was looking up at the moon, head craned back, arms crossed. Above him, the Shinju Tree loomed. The red flower at it's top had unfolded, spinning out into a beautiful crimson bloom.

"Lovely night for it, isn't it?" Mused the resurrected demigod. "Practically perfect weather. Though to be honest, if clouds had been able to stop this, it would have been rather embarrassing, wouldn't it?"

He looked back down at them, and they all took an involuntary step backwards.

The 'fold' on his forehead had opened. There, right in the centre, was another eye. It was blood-red, and though it bore the circles of the Rinnegan, it also contained Sharingan tomoe. Nine of them.

"Rinne-Sharingan." Sasuke breathed.

Naruto gulped. "Uh, in case you weren't caught up with all the lore, Hinata? He's basically god now."

"Basically." Madara agreed. He sighed. "From the bottom of my heart, children, and for your own sakes, I genuinely hope that you don't find a way out of this."

And Hinata knew that he was telling the truth. "Stop him." She breathed. All three of them charged.

Madara looked back to the sky. "I call upon the Juubi, the Shinju Tree, as he who has fed upon it's fruit and made himself one with it's power. Spread thine roots across the world, and touch the bodies, hearts, minds and souls of all those who dwell there. I bid thee, bring to the world the sleep that has no end."

Team Seven converged upon Madara's location.

They were nowhere near fast enough.

"May the world sleep. May the world dream." Madara closed his two normal eyes, leaving the Rinne-Sharingan alone in his head.

"I cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi."

And so the moon bled.

* * *

 **We're in the endgame now.**

 **Okay, so, to clarify my headcanoning.**

 **Thing one: Zetsu is out of the picture. This means that Kaguya has no way to reemerge from Madara. No dodging the final battle and exchanging it for a Dragon Ball Z character, their fight is with Madara, in all his ridiculously overpowered glory.**

 **Thing two: Madara can cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi with his Rinne-Sharingan. But he needs the tree to be there because he needs it's roots to trap everyone in.**

 **Thing three: Naruto and Sasuke aren't Indra and Ashura's reincarnations. They're their descendants, who have grown as people to the point where they represent all the characteristics that the original brothers respect and strive for. Thus, Indra and Ashura are willing to help them.  
As opposed to, you know, _completely invalidating the show's entire moral and making it feel like none of the main character's achievements are his own._**

 **Thing four: My explanation for the Ten-Tails being split is also made up, but it fits with the strange variance in power levels between the Bijuu. I crunched the numbers using 40% as a baseline, and it actually checks out; Kurama would be stronger than every other Bijuu (sans Gyuki) combined, which we've seen from some of the late game fights. As a matter of fact, Kurama is almost 60X stronger than Shukaku. It also leaves the husk, the Gedo Mazo, at about half again as powerful as Shukaku. This isn't _super_ relevant, I just thought it was interesting. And hey, the payoff to the running joke was funny (I hope). **

**Thing 5 (the most important): In the manga, Naruto and Sasuke got magically gifted special powers by Hagoromo because they needed a powerup. **

**But the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not going to do that.**

 **Here's what I'm using: When the descendants of a badass from both sides of his family come together, they recreate his chakra and start to replicate his superpowers.**

 **Toneri implants an earth Hyuuga's eyes, he recreates Hamura's power and gets the Tenseigan.**

 **Hinata consumes the chakra from the eyes of the Moon Hyuuga, the same thing happens.**

 **A descendant of Indra absorbs the chakra of a descendant of Ashura, their eyes evolve into the Rinnegan. This happens in canon with Madara, and it has now happened with Sasuke. This is why Sasuke has two normal Rinnegan and not his (admittedly cool) 3-tomoe Rinnegan in one eye.**

 **So, a descendant of Ashura absorbs the chakra of a descendant of Indra...and they get Yin-Yang release. This feels sensible to me, as these are bloodline powers they're getting, and what do (almost, Kimimaro's weird) _all_ bloodlines appear as? Dojutsu, or Combination Nature Transformations. Hence, maxing out your inheritance skill tree gets you the pinnacle of those. Hashirama never got it because the circumstances of Madara draining his chakra were asymmetrical and he never got to do it back. Whereas now, Naruto and Sasuke are sharing.**

 **However, none of this can happen without the holy ghost in question giving it's approval and giving their chakra and DNA a little nudge, which is why there haven't been a million Rinnegan in the millenia since Indra and Ashura's death.**

 **Now I can hear you all asking, 'BuT sWaGkAgE-'**

 **wait fuck wrong one.**

 **'BUT ADAMANT, WHAT ABOUT SIX PATHS SAGE MODE?'**

 **To which I respond...I'm getting there.**

 **RIP Gai.**

 **Also damn, this Coronavirus crap in the real world is totally crazy, right?**


	90. Interlude: Dreams

**Pro tip: If you use the phrase 'of course' once or twice in your narration, it gives what you're saying a whimsical, conversational air. If you do it too much, it becomes repetition, which is bad. But if you _keep_ using it, it becomes a ~ _motif~_**

 **Either way, drinking game; take a shot every time you see it.**

* * *

 **Interlude: Dreams**

* * *

Toneri Otsutsuki held Hanabi's hand very tightly in his own. The young girl looked up at him, and quietly asked "Toneri? W-what's happening?"

Toneri wasn't sure what to say.

The two of them stood on the surface of the moon, looking out and upwards at the surface of the Earth above them. It was a beautiful view, one he had longed to show Hanabi for years now, and with his new (old) eyes... _wow_. What he could see through the puppets didn't do it justice.

But there was something wrong with the image.

In the terrain that he had long since memorised as the centre of the 'Ninja World', which at this point should be totally dark as it faced away from the sun, there was a single bright red spot.

And perhaps more obviously, the terrain around him was glowing blood red.

"I...don't know." He gulped. "But I think we might regret losing the ability to drop the moon on them."

* * *

Haku Yuki dreamed.

He dreamed he was in Konoha, and he was loved. Sai, Naruto, Sasuke, Gaara, Sakura; everyone loved him, and he was never alone. Zabuzza was there, having survived, and he was the Mizukage (though of course, Mei was still alive. She loved Haku too). Naruto achieved his dream of becoming the Hokage, and Haku stood at his side as he brought peace to the ninja world. Haku, of course, had never had any such aspirations to power. He was simply happy that when he went home, there were people there waiting for him.

Sometimes, however, he did get this small, disconcerting feeling in the back of his mind. A certain...guilt. For he had never truly earned the love of all his peers. Their feelings were genuine, honest, and true, but Haku couldn't help but sometimes wonder _why_. All their lives were perfect; what had he done to make them care for him so? Sometimes, when he was feeling his worst, he would ask. And while their reassurances as to his many lovable qualities certainly felt nice to hear, they always seemed...empty. Hollow.

Whenever he felt this way, Haku just took those he loved and held them all the tighter.

* * *

Konan dreamed.

In her dream she had been strong enough to save Yahiko, way back when. Her, Yahiko and Nagato rose into their power and tore down Amegakure, defeating Hanzo the Salamander in a particularly gruesome and satisfying way. They rebuilt their village, and went ahead with their plan to save the world.

And people listened.

There was no war, no scheming, no Akatsuki. They merely talked, and people _understood_. The ninja villages laid down their arms and ceased their wars, and the world was at peace.

Her child was born healthy and strong, and never knew war or suffering.

And there were still many many problems she had to busy herself solving, many fights she still had to fight, which she naturally complained about to anyone who would listen.

They were her own fault, of course, the dream providing her with them because they were what she wanted. She would never admit it to herself, that in the quiet moments she often found herself _wishing_ for such events. Because without any conflict, she didn't really have anything to _do_.

* * *

Shikamaru Nara dreamed.

"This is a dream, isn't it?" He asked, setting a shogi piece down on the board.

"How could you _possibly_ know that?" Shikaku Nara looked at him exasperatedly.

Shikamaru just raised an eyebrow.

"Right, of course." Shikaku sighed. "Something something, fuck you I'm Shikamaru, yadda yadda, right?"

"Something like that." Shikamaru smiled. "Though it's probably more that the dream thinks that the only way I'll be happy is if I can unlock some ~great secret~ that nobody else can."

The pair were sat on the floor of their living room, playing against each other. The sun shone warmly, but not too hot, through the windows, illuminating Shikamaru just the way he liked it. Because of course it was.

Now it was his father's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I didn't know that you had those kinds of aspirations."

"My aspirations are to sit down on a comfy bed and do absolutely nothing." Shikamaru corrected him. "I just also happen to be _incredibly_ vain. Why do you think I put the effort in to screw with Kankuro so much? Showing off is one of the few things I'll actually exert myself to do, it just clashes with my persona to admit it."

"But you're admitting it to me?"

"You're not real. I can say whatever I want."

"Fair enough." Shikaku paused, then put a shogi piece down on the board between them. "So what's the plan, try and escape?"

"What for?" Shikamaru snorted. "There's nothing I can do out there. Doesn't matter how smart I am if Madara can kill me before I can _think_." He sighed and leaned back, moving another piece. "Which, I imagine, is another reason why the dream actually let me figure out I was inside it. It wants to keep me here at all costs, but it knows I won't be bothered to try and leave, so there wasn't any risk. I'll wait for team seven to sort it, and if that doesn't work, guess I'm stuck here."

"Hmph. How very like you." Shikaku moved one of his own pieces. "So what are you going to do? You're essentially lucid dreaming now, in a world designed to give you whatever you want."

Shikamaru looked down at the Shogi board. Saw how he could win. Sighed again. "Not this." He told his dad. "I _do_ want to beat you at Shogi, but there's no point if it isn't really you. It's not even a real intellectual challenge, since anything that's set up for me is designed for me to beat it eventually."

"I could start talking about how I'm proud of you?" Shikaku offered.

"Again, it isn't you." Shikamaru shrugged. "So there's an undercurrent of lying to it." He smirked. "I'd be tempted to go outside and wait for Temari to show up and seduce me, if I didn't know that it wasn't really her either."

"Hm. Good point." Shikaku twirled a piece between his fingers. "What if a bunch of nameless hot ladies came through the door looking for you?"

"Eh." Shikamaru waved a hand in a so-so gesture. "Maybe later, if I'm in the mood."

"See with you, there's a very real chance that means 'never'." His father pointed out.

"And if I don't want them to, nobody in this world will ever call me out on that." Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "My apathy being enabled. This place is perfect for me."

"Then why do you even want to leave?" Shikaku asked, seeming genuinely curious.

Shikamaru chuckled, looking out the window. "Simple. I have teammates to get back to."

Then he flopped onto his back, spreading his arms out. "Alright, come on, dreamworld. I'm bored now. You're supposed to be able to keep me here forever, surely you've got _something_ to entertain me?"

There was a knock at the door. Shikamaru glanced to it, as it opened, and a familiar figure bustled in.

"Sorry I'm late!" Called Asuma Sarutobi. "I was a bit busy with background details you don't care about. Ino and Choji should be here in a couple minutes. How you doing, Shik'?"

Shikamaru closed his eyes and smiled. "Heh. Well played, dream. Yeah, I'm doing fine Sensei, how about you?"

* * *

Gaara dreamed.

His childhood had been happy, living with his mother and his siblings. None of Suna's people feared him; instead, they were proud of the boy who defended their village. Shukaku was fond of him, and the two were able to work together properly, meaning he quickly became Suna's Kazekage. Leaf Shinobi came round often, meaning he was able to play regularly with Naruto, and Sakura still came to love him. Eventually, the two married.

Over time, Gaara would befriend all the Jinchurikki, and the nine formed a council who regularly met to discuss Bijuu matters (and to just hang out).

However, in all Gaara's dreams, his father never appeared. He simply had no interest at all in the man, so there was no enjoyment to be gained in defeating or befriending him. Rasa was written out of Gaara's life, and of course, nobody ever questioned it. Certainly not Gaara himself. He was just glad that when he slept, his dreams were peaceful ones.

* * *

Rock Lee dreamed. He mastered all eight gates, and became the first shinobi in history to use all eight without dying. He defeated Team Seven in combat, then continued to travel the world with his teammates, Tenten and Sai. Their days were filled with boundless adventure, defeating monsters, saving princesses, and proving to all the power of youth.

And if he ever became tired, felt the urge to stop, take a break, settle down? He simply brushed it off, and moved on to the next fight.

* * *

Fugaku Uchiha dreamed.

In his dream, he discovered Shimura Danzo's manipulations much earlier on. He lead a strike force of the strongest members of his clan (Itachi included, with Neji tagging along, of course) and in one swift stroke, tore down the entirety of ROOT and struck down its leader.

The Uchiha regained their status in the eyes of the village, honourable and respected, and when Hiruzen Sarutobi stepped down, Fugaku was elected Hokage in his place.

The workload of such a position was oddly low, of course, allowing Fugaku to do what he had wanted to do the whole time: Be a husband to his wife and father to his children.

Sasuke grew up knowing his dad loved him, not feeling pressured to meet any standards yet soaring above them anyhow. Itachi had a long talk with Fugaku, and the two came to understand and respect each other. And Mikoto got all her boys home every night to eat dinner together, without any hidden plotting or manipulation. As a family.

In this dream, the Akatsuki and Pain simply...never appeared.

Because in Fugaku's ideal world, none of his loved ones ever had to go through the suffering necessary to truly awaken their potential.

And of course, without that suffering, they would never have been strong enough to win.

* * *

The Legendary Sannin dreamed.

Tsunade never became Hokage, for she never wanted it. Her luck was brilliant, good fortune randomly befalling her on an almost daily basis to her never-ending delight (though it did sometimes cause her an odd sense of foreboding that she couldn't quite shake). She found a cure to almost every ailment to befall the world, trained many others in her methods, and spent the majority of her days living in Konoha with Dan Kato and Shizune, getting up to hijinks and causing plenty of property damage.

She never got over her fear of blood. She simply never had cause to encounter it.

Jiraiya was the godfather he always wanted to be. That is, an absolutely _terrible_ role model for Naruto and a few other kids growing up in Konoha, much to their delight. He mastered sage mode, learned many great secrets of the universe, and then still spent his free time causing mayhem across the village. Getting drunk, going out partying, crashing in Minato and Kushina's place and waking up to her outraged screams in the morning.

His luck with the ladies remained absolutely terrible, and his flirtations always ended in some amusing let-down, and he remained a bachelor indefinitely. Naturally he complained about this regularly, but had only himself to blame. He didn't actually _want_ an endless supply of nameless women to fall into his bed; he wanted family. And that was what he had, so he was content.

Orochimaru, naturally, had aspirations much higher than those of his teammates. He solved immortality in one body, first of all. True immortality, with no sacrifices or caveats. He synthesised the Rinnegan and the Tenseigan and gave himself both, then became the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails and controlled it perfectly. He became instated the Kamikage, the ruler above all rulers, and took over the entire ninja world, sharing with them his knowledge and his miracles. He found all, knew all, possessed all. And then he fought the Reaper and defeated it, and tore down the wall separating humanity from the pure lands, returning all the dead to the living and ensuring that nobody ever, _ever_ , had to die again.

Many of his subjects hated him, believed him a demon or a demagogue. Because, of course, that was what he felt he deserved. But he was reunited with his parents, and they were proud of him.

All the Sannin, naturally, had each other. Because if there was one thing they all wished for above all others, it was to be a team again.

Except not really.

The Infinite Tsukiyomi did not link the dreams of its occupants together, not without being directed to.

So all three dreamed of a future with facsimiles of their loved ones.

And all three were alone.

* * *

Naruto Uzumaki dreamed.

It was...an interesting experience. Like someone had written one of those fanfictions where he was OP and everything went well.

Minato arrived earlier to stop Kakashi having to kill Rin, saved Obito, found out about and sealed Black Zetsu, job done. The Kyuubi was sealed into him at birth, but his mother survived (funny how that worked, huh?) and he grew up the son of the Hokage. Danzo was dealt with before he was old enough to understand what genjutsu was, and Minato took no shit from the other clans or villages, meaning Hinata and Sasuke both grew up fine. They became friends in the academy, got on a team together. Events played out similarly, but slightly shifted, always allowing for the people Naruto cared about to make it out unscathed. They became Chunin, then Jonin. Hunted down the Akatsuki, but got back in time to stop Pain before he actually destroyed Konoha, so Nagato was able to make it out alive.

Team Seven became the greatest team in the world, the new Legendary Sannin.

And eventually...

Naruto sighed, arms leaning on the balcony of the Hokage tower, and looked out over a perfect Konoha. "This isn't real, is it?"

"How'd you figure that?" Minato asked, sat on a sofa back inside. It was sunset, the two were alone in the building.

"My friends." Naruto replied, not looking back. "There's a disconnect, they...shouldn't be like this."

Minato groaned. "Oh, perfect. What, did we get the characterisation wrong?"

Naruto snorted. "Breaking the fourth wall already?"

"You've already figured it out, it's not like there's much point in lying to you and pissing you off." Minato shrugged. "That would be the exact opposite of what we're going for here. So?"

Naruto turned back to look at him, blowing out a breath and thinking. "They're...perfect. Perfectly imperfect. But that's the problem, which doesn't make any _sense_..." he bit his lip, then continued. "They're the versions of themselves I want them to be most of all. That being: exactly the versions of themselves that they are in reality. But, this..." he gestured vaguely. "Their lives have been perfect. And if their lives had been perfect, they wouldn't be the way they are. Hinata, Sasuke, Haku, Sai, _me_..." he looked down. "We've all...hurt. And it's been horrible, and I'd spare them it if I could, but it's made us who we are. If you take that away from them, the things they've felt, the choices they've made...you take away who they are. Or you don't, and I start to notice plot holes."

"Hmph." Minato chuckled. "Funny. I never had you pegged as the smart one."

"Well, there's also that the Yin-Yang release is letting me feel that everything is made of chakra."

"Oh, right, that'd make more sense." Minato paused, and tapped the table he was resting his his feet on. Whether the table had been there before they had been paying attention to it wasn't really relevant. Resting on that table was a white hat, decorated in red. The Hokage's hat.

"It's your inauguration this evening."

"It is?" Naruto thought about it. "Oh yeah. Funny that." He raised an eyebrow. "You're trying to bribe me to stay with a _hat_?"

"It's what you've always wanted." Minato pointed out.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, you know damn well that-"

"It's not just the position, I know. But you can have everything else too." Minato spread his arms. "Do you know what the point of this dream is? To give you your personal utopia. Anything you want, you can have it. Whatever you need, you can grab it." He snapped his fingers. "Just like that."

"My friends-"

"Are here."

"They aren't _real_ -"

"Says who?" Minato laughed. "All you have are your senses to tell you what's real or what isn't. For all you know your last life could have been a lie too. Anything you could possibly have hoped to gain from your teammates, any psychological motivator or reward for your friendship and compassion, you can get just as easily in here. Better, even, and in higher quantities. It's what this place is built to do. Why would you ever want to leave?"

Naruto paused. "There's...a lot of answers I can give to that." He said, eventually. "But basically, it's because of the Edo Tensei."

"...Come again?" Minato asked.

"The Edo Tensei can bring souls back from the dead." Naruto explained. "So can the Rinne Tensei. The Reaper Death Seal can trap souls, and the Reaper Release mask can release them again. Ergo, souls exist."

He picked up the Hokage hat to demonstrate, squeezing it and watching the fabric distort. "They exist, and they're real, tangible, and you can _prove_ that. Which means that I have good reason to believe that other people; living, breathing, thinking, seeing, _feeling_ people...really exist." He laughed a little, in spite of himself, "and I mean, isn't that crazy? It's an honour, genuinely, that I'm...I'm not alone." He paused, then tossed the hat back down onto the table. "So I can't stay here. Not when _they_ are out there." He looked over his shoulder, back out to the balcony. "So what are we waiting for, eh?"

"You, dipshit." Sasuke snorted. He and Hinata were sat on the balcony railing; their Rinnegan and Tenseigan respectively standing out as proof that they weren't the teammates the dream had tried to thrust on him. "Us two didn't feel the need to give a dramatic speech before breaking out."

"Well excuse me! We don't all have magic god-eyes that let us break through all the genjutsu automatically!" Naruto grinned, turning around and walking towards them-

"He could kill you." Minato said, interrupting them. He still hadn't got up from the sofa, but he was looking at them intently. "You realise that, right? If you go out there, the chance he kills you is pretty damn high."

"True." Hinata admitted. "But when has that ever stopped us before?"

"And besides," Sasuke pointed out, "It's not like we've got this far by doing the _sensible_ thing, right?"

"What they said." Naruto flashed back an apologetic smile. "Sorry, dream. I'm not hitting the snooze button on this one."

"Heh. Alright then." Minato stood up. "For what it's worth, I'm proud of you all."

"Given that you're not real, that means diddly squat." Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah but this does imply that _you_ think that you're doing something your father would be proud of." Minato pointed out.

"Huh. Oh, well, I'll take it." Naruto shrugged and turned around, holding his arms out. "Uh, how does this work?"

"You stop being a moron and let us break your genjutsu for you." Sasuke answered. "Now come here-"

Both of them each took one of his hands.

There was a flash.

* * *

Naruto awoke and found himself blind and slimy and _eww_ and there were arms holding onto his so he just braced himself and let them _tug_ -

With a sickening squelch, he was pulled free.

He landed on hard stone and shivered, his whole body and clothing covered in _something_ , blinking to adjust to the low light. "What-" he coughed, spitting out some goop that had accumulated in his mouth, "what in the _fuck_ -"

"I remember when you used to have a problem with swearing. Guess that's character development?" Sasuke's voice chuckled from somewhere nearby. "Try to focus up. You've been out for less than thirty seconds, but I wouldn't be surprised if it feels like a lifetime."

"It's nasty, I know. Burn it off with chakra as soon as you can." Hinata's voice was reassuring, and what was probably her arm wrapped underneath his, hauling him to his feet. "Blink, you should get your sight back pretty quickly. Unless that was just our dojutsu helping us out..."

"No. No, I'm good." Naruto patted her shoulder, shaking his head and wiping his face clean of gunk. He looked back, and...

"I was in _that_?"

His teammates has pulled him out of a bulb in a giant mass of plant matter. Naruto wasn't initially able to understand what he was looking at, but as he panned his view up, left, and right, he realised.

The root he had been removed from was as tall as a building, looked about as thick too, and in one direction it spread outwards all the way to the horizon, sometimes dipping below the surface or rising higher in its path. If he looked far enough, he could see it criss-crossing with and separating from dozens of other roots just like it.

Then Naruto traced it the other way, and saw the world tree. He...genuinely couldn't describe its size, because he didn't have a proper frame of reference for anything _near_ to its height. The biggest thing he'd ever tried to conceptualise was Madara's Susanno, and the tree was many times the height of that. It's roots spread in all directions, tearing the landscape apart to make room for them.

On a hunch, Naruto closed his eyes...and then reopened them, narrowed. "Oh, that's not fair." He muttered.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"I'm feeling for Senjutsu. But there isn't any." Naruto gestured at the root. "This thing, it's...it's _absorbing_ it. All of it. Shit, it feels like the air's got no moisture in it..."

"Well that's bad." Hinata moved towards him and put another hand on his shoulder, but this time it wasn't just for reassurance. Chakra flowed across from her to him. "It means we'll still have to do _this_ to fuel you, unless you can find a way to fix it."

"Oh, damn, you're right. I'm still technically dying." Naruto winced. The Yin-Yang release (which, by the way, he had absolutely no idea how to control, he was just making it up as he went) was the only reason he was able to use the chakra he borrowed rather than it just falling apart upon his broken tenketsu. "Sorry, guys, I don't-"

"If you dare to say anything along the lines of you being a burden, I will slap you." Hinata warned. "Shut up and call your orbs back."

Naruto smiled, gratefully. "Right." Another moment of focus and the surface of the root burst in six separate places, the Truth Seeking Orbs having been swept up in the chaos but left intact. He looked between his teammates, and sighed. "Shall we get this over with then?"

* * *

It didn't take them too long to reach the foot of the tree. There, sat in seiza atop a small rock outcropping, was a man with three eyes. All of them were closed.

"Do you hear that?" Asked Madara Uchiha, as they approached.

All three stopped to listen.

There was the quiet whistling of wind. The occasional echo of small rocks falling in the distance. If they strained, the flower of the god tree could be heard rustling far above them.

Eventually, Sasuke spoke up. "Nothing."

"Precisely." Madara answered, still not looking up at them. "Nothing. The sounds of nature, perhaps; plants, animals, weather. But other than that?" He paused for effect. "Silence." He raised one hand, gestured. "These roots spread across the entire surface of the planet. Every human being in the world has been ensnared, and is now dreaming. For the first time in millennia, the world is asleep. At peace."

"So this is it, then?" Hinata asked. "This is your endgame? Put the entire planet in a coma?"

"The Infinite Tsukuyomi shows to everyone what they want most in the world." Madara answered, simply. "They are trapped in eternal bliss, unable to harm one another. Everyone is at peace, now." He tilted his head up to them. "Everyone except you."

"You expected anything less?" Naruto smirked.

Madara sighed. Stood. "...No."

He opened his eyes, and his sheer _presence_ hit them all like a Bijuu Bomb. Those with special eyes could _see_ the chakra swirling about him like a hurricane, and Naruto could _feel_ the magnitude of the natural energy that was contained within his body. What they were looking at was quite literally the strongest being to exist in this reality since the Sage of Six Paths.

...They all decided simultaneously to at least _try_ to get out of this.

"You are aware that this turns people into Zetsu, right?" Sasuke pointed out. "Like if you leave them like this-"

"I'm aware. I fixed it." Madara rolled his eyes. "It would be a bit anticlimactic if I had to give up because of something like that. No, everyone will be fine. Forever. Literally, in fact; they won't ever die while nursed in the Shinju Tree's roots."

"Immortality in the goop?" Naruto shuddered. "Doesn't sound nice. I mean I'm all for not dying, but...well what's even the point of _living_ like that?"

"What's the problem?" Madara spread his arms. "For all they know, that _is_ their world now. A gentler one. They will live their fantasy, never once knowing pain, nor strife."

"A stagnant life." Sasuke challenged. "If they never face challenges, they'll never be able to grow."

"I'm an Uchiha too, you realise." Madara told him, pointedly. "I know full well how struggle can make one stronger." He scowled downwards. "But not everything that 'doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Sometimes it _breaks_ you. When you're forced to crawl beneath some rocks and hide while your family is slaughtered around you, when you're taken captive by an enemy force and abused mercilessly as something subhuman, when your brother is _murdered_ right before your eyes..." He clenched his fists. "Challenges may build a person up. _War_ tears them down."

He looked between them. "You have all suffered, I can see it in your eyes. Do you believe that it made you 'stronger'?"

They looked at each other, for a moment.

"No." Hinata said, eventually. "But it made us who we are. I would not change that for anything."

"How inspiring." Madara drawled. "But what of suffering to come? Surely you aren't saying you would _willingly_ fall upon the sword for...what? Character development?"

"I'm not going to deliberately fail to solve a problem," Sasuke answered, "but I'd rather risk screwing things up than run away from them."

"And if you had a magic button that could automatically solve any problems you might face?" Madara challenged. "Would you press it? Even if you knew there was a risk you and your loved ones might get hurt if you didn't?"

"Well." Naruto shrugged. "We're all here, aren't we?"

He paused to let that sink in. Then suggested, "Take everyone out of the Tsukuyomi and offer it to them freely now they've had a taster, see how many agree to go back in. I'm sure there'll be some, but it isn't going to be everyone. Probably not even a majority."

Madara growled. "Biases." He muttered. "Of course they won't want to. They'll be afraid of something going wrong, afraid of me lying, afraid of giving up their choices. Doubts, stupidity, irrationality...and then they'll go ahead and make the wrong decision."

"Ooh, biases." Hinata rolled her eyes. "Have you ever heard of my favourite one of those? It's called the 'bias bias'. It's when you point out that the other person has a flaw in their line of thinking, and then use that to throw out the entire argument without weighing it fairly. 'You're clearly biased, so I'm going to make decisions for your own good'."

Naruto grit his teeth. "Oho, _wow_. You just said that then as an example and I actually just wanted to hit you, that was nuts."

Sasuke snorted. "Yeah. Try having a parental figure, you get stuff like that all the time." He looked back at Madara. "So that's what this boils down to? You think you know better than people?"

Madara shrugged. "In short? Yes."

"Oh, wow, he's telling the truth..." Hinata muttered.

"So you're going to use power to make the people do what you believe is best for them." Naruto sighed. "You're just like Pain. Except I already turned Pain into a good guy. Hey, you ever here that one study about giving-"

"Fifty Ryo conditionally and five Ryo unconditionally to get people to do a task?" Madara smiled, wryly. "Hashirama ran that study. We argued about this for years. Decades, even. No matter what, it always came down to freedom versus safety. To whether or not people should be allowed to make their own decisions, and to what degree.

In the end, our difference in opinion was a simple one. After everything he'd seen, Hashirama still believed in people. And after everything I'd seen...I didn't."

Madara sighed. Looked back up at them. "If you can't come up with any arguments he couldn't...you aren't going to convince me."

Naruto looked at him for a long few seconds, trying to find any holes in the simple, blank wall Madara had constructed as his argument. Hoping that he'd be able to find something in Madara's face he could point to as the source of why he was mistaken or irrational, a false piece of evidence he could pull up with a loud 'OBJECTION!'. After all, he'd always been able to swing people around to his way of thinking before...

But what he saw wasn't pride, or anger, or greed, or fear. Madara wasn't lying to himself. Madara was just...sad.

"I believe you." Naruto said, quietly.

And then he started planning how to kill him.

Madara chuckled, and Hinata and Sasuke both gave Naruto shocked looks at the first genuine emanation of killing intent they'd ever felt from him. It wasn't the hot rage of the Kyuubi, the dispassionate ambivalence of Orochimaru, or the zealous certainty of Pain. It was a man who placed murder as his absolute last resort finally resorting to it, the determination of a kind person going to war. It could have put the entirety of Konoha's ANBU in the hospital by itself.

"Okay." Madara reached both hands up above his head. "Children, you've had your extra five minutes playing out past curfew, but now? It's _bedtime_."

Naruto and Hinata blinked, and Sasuke held a hand up. "As the only person here with an actual father figure, I'm the only one who understands that enough to be intimidated.

"I am trying to limit casualties as much as possible." Madara continued. "As I said, what I want is for everyone to suffer as little as possible. There's a reason I left so many people alive during the pathetic excuse for a war we just experienced. To that end, I have moved the cocoons of any ninja nearby more than twenty kilometres away from the Shinju Tree, meaning we can do this with minimal collateral damage."

"Aw, that's nice." Hinata praised.

"I'm doing it so I can freely use my strongest Susanno."

"Oh."

Madara looked them all over. "I would like to offer, one final time, for you all to surrender. I'll remove your pesky eyes and powers and lock you in your dream fantasies forever. But to sweeten the pot, I'll even allow you to retain your memories of what's happened in the real world, and sync your dreams so you can truly interact with each other. I'd really, really rather we didn't do this."

"Afraid?" Sasuke asked.

"No." Madara told him, simply. "This is called 'mercy'."

"Just for completeness, he _is_ telling the truth." Hinata remarked.

"While I do appreciate the offer..." Naruto cracked his knuckles. Looked left and right, checking his teammates faces and finding only determination. "I'm afraid we'll have to decline."

"Very well." Madara held out one hand. A staff made of Yin-Yang release came into being there, and he slammed it's butt into the floor. He started flying. "Then I am going to kill you. I will not hesitate, I will not showboat, I will not give you second chances and I will not make stupid mistakes. I will not take risks. That was always Hashirama's forte. If you require time to prepare yourselves or there is some business you need to conclude, you may take the time to do so now."

Madara then turned away. Not that it would actually affect his sensory abilities, but the thought was nice.

Naruto, Sasuke and Hinata all immediately huddled, connecting to each other with a genjutsu and a chakra sharing trick they'd picked up from Kurama for communication their target couldn't pick up on.

 _Do you think anyone's ever told him that he's really badass?_ Sasuke asked. _Like, come on. That was awesome. Was it true?_

 _All true_. Hinata replied. _I'm going to be honest, I think we're out of our league here_.

 _Guys_. Naruto thought, very forcefully. _Come on. Did being out of our league stop us getting the bells off Kakashi? Beating Zabuzza? Beating the goddamn One-Tails as genin without even using our bijuu or dojutsu?_ He grinned at them. _Madara has made one fatal miscalculation._

 _Which is?_ Sasuke and Hinata asked, simultaneously.

 _He's from the past._ Naruto explained, smugly.

 _For the first time in five years, Team Seven is finally working together to take down a single opponent...and Madara doesn't even know why he should be afraid._

 _So what I'm saying is. Let's show him._

With that, they began to strategise.

* * *

 **Important details to note:**

 **-Madara has the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan (including Susanno), Rinnegan (including Limbo), Yin-Yang release, and Six Paths Sage Mode. He has functionally limitless supplies of chakra and Sage chakra. So long as he remains the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails, he will regenerate completely from any attack that does not instantly destroy his brain, which would successfully kill him. Team Seven are _relative_ to him in terms of speed and reaction time, but they are all significantly slower. In a raw fistfight, all three attacking him at once would lose.**

 **-Sasuke still has Samehada, which can drain chakra, but it's current supply of Sage chakra has been depleted. He has access to all standard Rinnegan abilities (see the intro to chapter 64 for a list of these) and Amenotejikara, which allows him to substitute with objects without hand seals. He still has all his Mangekyo abilities, but must shift his eyes back to use them, meaning he cannot use his Rinnegan and Mangekyo powers simultaneously, with the exception of his Susanno.**

 **-Hinata's Counter Chakra (Tenseigan) cloak is temporarily destroyed upon taking a solid hit. Attacks using it function similarly to Yin-Yang release, which they can withstand, and while they also counter all standard jutsu, they are similarly unable to affect Sage techniques. She still has all her Gokei abilities, but must shift her eyes back to use them, meaning she cannot use her Tenseigan and Gokei powers simultaneously, with the exception of her Vishnu. However, the Tenseigan does allow her to mimic them to a certain degree.**

 **-Naruto in his base form is significantly weaker than all other combatants. He cannot access his Kyuubi avatar, as all the Bijuu are contained inside Madara. He must find a way to gather sage chakra in order to achieve Sage mode, which is currently all being absorbed by the Shinju Tree and Madara. He can still use his Shadow Clones, Adamantine Chains, and Rasenshuriken (which he cannot throw), but the magnitude of power with which he can use these is significantly diminished.**

 **-Naruto's massive reserves of chakra were lost when Kurama was. He is borrowing chakra from Sasuke and Hinata to continue fighting. None of their reserves are full. They can only use their strongest powers for a limited time without running out, unless Naruto finds another way to gain chakra.**

 **-Each member of Team Seven possesses a method of removing the Ten-Tails from Madara if he is suitably incapacitated. A direct strike to Madara's abdomen from Samehada, Hiragekoma, or Naruto using Yin-Yang release, will functionally end the fight.**

 **-Destroying the Shinju Tree will not free the captive shinobi, and there wouldn't be much point in doing so anyway, since none of the ninja still alive stand any chance against Madara at all. All other humans on the planet are captured, and Hanabi and Toneri are too far away to help. Team Seven must win on their own.**

 **-Madara can be considered Bloodlusted. He will attempt to kill all three members of Team Seven with whatever method he believes gives him the highest chances of doing so. Being the Jinchurikki of the completed Ten-Tails is not causing him any mental strain or confusion that will hamper his intellectual capabilities. No character reason will cause him to perform at anything below his absolute peak of effort.**

 **-Nobody in the fight will be turning into Kaguya. That is an author's promise.**

 **-Everyone in the fight is aware of all the above points. If there are more powers, abilities, relevant factors, or sources of strength available, (and there _are_ ) then one or more character does not know of them, and they have not been listed. But _you_ all might.**

 **I propose a challenge to anyone reading this. What would _you_ do?**

 **Can you think of any ways that:**

 **A) Team Seven might be able to beat Madara?**

 **B) Team Seven might be able to increase their own power or improve their own chances?**

 **C) Team Seven might be able to effectively counter one or more of Madara's abilities?**

 **D) The fight may be affected in a way that I have not realised/not told you?**

 **Headcanoning, metagaming, and naive optimism are all allowed. It would be somewhat hypocritical of me to refuse them.**

 **As the fight has not yet been written, ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS MAY BE USED.**

 **You reviewers have kept me going so far; so I figured it would be fun to include you in this fic's finale. I look forwards to what you come up with.**

 **The next chapter will be released at 22:00 London time (18:00 EST) on Saturday the fourth of April.**

 **See you all then.**

 **-Adamant**


	91. If We Fuck Up Once, We Die

**"I may have Madara's cock in my mouth but Kishimoto firmly placed it there so leave me alone please." -Swagkage**

* * *

 **If We Fuck Up Once, We Die**

* * *

 _If we fuck up once we die._

 _If we fuck up once we die._

 _If We Fuck Up Once, We Die._

All three of them repeated it one last time across the telepathic connection.

They had taken a whole minute of real time to check their equipment, catch their breath, and strategise. Throughout it all Madara had continued to float impassively at the foot of the tree, looking away from them and hardly moving a muscle.

The only reason they had taken so long was the simple logic that he was thinking faster than them, so at some point in the last minute he'd have run out of things to plan and left them with free time to catch up.

Hopefully.

There was a lot of hoping going on at the moment.

But Naruto was still dying, and he was draining chakra from them faster than they could naturally recuperate, so eventually there wasn't much point in delaying any longer.

Now, what Madara counted as an inciting incident to end their prep time wasn't clear, and asking him (thus indicating they were trying to abuse his generosity) probably wouldn't go down well.

But there was nothing wrong with just testing the waters, right?

"For Konoha." Hinata said, out loud, entering a stance.

"For the Republic." Sasuke intoned, throwing Samehada.

"For Skyrim, for Shor, and for Sovengarde's freedom." Naruto joined in, catching the sword and twirling it.

"Four Score and Seven years ago, I had a-"

Sasuke was interrupted as Naruto stabbed Samehada right into the bark of the nearby root. Madara turned around.

The following events would all occur within the next ten seconds.

* * *

Sage chakra, absorbed from the world over and being transmitted back through the roots to the Shinju tree, began instantly to flow through into Samehada.

Just as instantly, Madara went from floating stock still to flying towards them at a not-insignificant fraction of the speed of light, all his Truth Seeking Orbs flying with him.

Naruto stretched one arm out and his six Orbs blasted towards the attacker, colliding with six of Madara's ten and temporarily keeping those out of action as Hinata interposed herself. TCM activating, she launched a beam of counter chakra at the incoming monster, and two more black orbs merged together in front of him to block it, his momentum not changing in the slightest.

The two remaining orbs swung round on an arced path from either side, which was about the time when Sasuke switched places with a stone outcropping beneath and behind Madara, launching up the needle-sword Nuibari with no expectation of actually landing his perfectly aimed hit to the cranium but at least meaning to distract one of the spheres-

It froze in midair, and Sasuke promptly went "Shit-SHINRA TENSEI!" Causing a wave of force to emit out from his position and hit...nothing?

 _Holy fuck, it feels so good to finally be the one to use that busted power-_ Sasuke remarked, and

 _Sasuke what was that?_ Naruto thought.

 _Limbo clones!_ Sasuke thought back. He pulled Raito from his bracer, each half of the twinswords blocking something before an invisible force punched him in the face, sending him reeling. Nuibari came rocketing down from the air towards him, and he was barely able to twist the arm attacked to it's string enough to make it bury into the floor beside him rather than his neck. _He has four of the fuckers now!_

 _I still can't see them!_ Naruto flexed his fingers and launched out a web of chakra chains, aiming to grab Madara who was still approaching Hinata. He grit his teeth as another of Madara's orbs transformed itself into a net that caught the chains.

Sasuke landed on his feet, a chunk of the skin on his left arm rising out, revealing a metal hose and a- ( _Flamethrower? Oh my god this powerset is crazy!_ ) blasted out a gout of fire that washed over two otherwise invisible silhouettes, his sword blocking something else before he coughed as something else visibly grabbed his head on both sides, preparing to twist, as Naruto accelerated the plan by yanking Samehada out of the wood, the sword dissolving and flowing over his body as he put his hands in the shadow clone position and Madara reached Hinata, the two orbs he'd been shielding with blowing straight through the artificial arms she'd been using for the attack and zooming back to pin her wings while his arms batted away her taijutsu defence and his final unoccupied orb swung down to her head-

Madara's Rinnegan shifted back into his Mangekyo.

He kicked her in the stomach and sent her crashing away as the three Orbs he'd set on her swung back around, shielding the back of his head just before a red laser struck it.

The laser fired by Sasuke's Asura path, from a small compartment in the back of the flamethrower, that _should_ have melted through Madara's skull and cooked his brain at the speed of light.

"BULLSHIT!" Shouted Sasuke, Rinnegan flashing as he teleported away mid-neck snap, barely able to keep his head on his shoulders.

 _He's not lightspeed, there's no way he had time to react to that!_ The Uchiha staggered as he landed, _also note to self, Amenotejikara is really fucking chakra draining I can't keep spamming it!_

 _You named it?_ Naruto thought across, busy with his own efforts: Three shadow clones popped into existence around him, and all four of them charged forwards. He tossed Samehada back to Sasuke as he passed, having gotten what he needed, and he and his clones all flashed into sage mode, recalling his Truth-Seeking orbs.

Even _with_ sage mode he _still_ couldn't sense the Limbo clones, but Hinata's prediction proved correct: Being unable to see an opponent was nowhere near enough to stop him. A brief "buffering wind!" stirred up the rock dust beneath them into a cloud, one the Limbo clones all disrupted by moving through. That, combined with the pressure of the wind caused by their movement, made it easy enough for the Sage clones to do battle with them.

They clashed in a four on four brawl.

Meanwhile, Hinata had just barely hit the floor from Madara's kick, and he had noticed the weakness of her cloak dropping, blasting through the air towards her like a bloodhound catching the scent of weakness.

Hinata rolled to her feet and thrust her arms out, launching as strong a wave of telekinetic force as she could at Madara, while Sasuke joined in from the other side with a Bansho Ten'in. Their combined power was barely able to halt Madara's ordinary flying speed.

It didn't do anything for the ten Truth-Seeking orbs roaring towards Hinata even faster than he had.

She took in the speeds and trajectories of the homing projectiles, and concluded avoiding them all was impossible. Without the Tenseigan cloak (still charging), she couldn't block them either.

A hurried thought-conversation ensued.

Then both Hinata and Sasuke's eyes reverted to their middle forms at the same time.

Hinata jumped away from the orbs and was able to dodge a whole four of them. The six remaining tore into her body, Vishnu powerup shattering as she lost three arms, a leg, and took two massive puncture wounds through her stomach.

Simultaneously, a blast of Kesshotoketsu tore out from her eyes towards Madara, at the same time as a dragon made of Amaterasu lashed out from Sasuke. Madara had committed all his orbs to the attack, but that didn't leave him defenceless: a quick blast of Shinra Tensei cleared him a sphere of freedom.

Meanwhile, back on the ground, Sasuke forced his Rinnegan back into being and stretched a hand out. The king of hell emerged from the ground, opening its mouth, and Hinata's broken (but not yet dead) body crashed forwards into it. The mouth snapped shut.

Just before all this, Naruto was fighting his own battle. Not against the Limbo clones, that was secondary.

His opponent was the fucking tree.

He and his three clones whipped the truth seeking orbs around them as a unit, clashing with the invisible enemies from another dimension. Either the Limbo clones couldn't use Rinnegan powers, or were simply hiding the fact that they could until a good opportunity struck. Either way, Naruto was grateful, because he couldn't use any jutsu _peroid_. Not with his remaining shreds of chakra being shared between him and clones. _Is this what normal ninja feel like? The need for_ restraint? _How do you all cope, this is is pitiful!_

Worst was his sage reserves. The amount he'd drained at the start of the battle was pittance, and split between his clones, they were all about to run out.

He needed more, enough to power up large numbers of clones for extended periods so he could actually fucking _contribute_ to the fight. He needed whatever Madara was getting.

He needed the Shinju tree.

Getting his clones killed was easy, but doing so in a way that freed him was much harder, so he had to _really_ strategise. At his command, the Truth Seeking Orbs all swirled into a protective sphere around the central Naruto, abandoning his clones on the outside.

The Limbo clones quickly dealt with the remaining Naruto and pressed in, quickly formulating a plan to try and get in from under the ground. However, they had neglected to properly factor in Naruto's practically nonexistent sense of self preservation.

It wasn't really _him_ within the protective dome.

Two of the shadow clones had been casually tossed away by the Limbo Madara. Only a small amount of effort had been expended because only a small amount of effort was required to make them pop. But they had also accidentally done the same thing to the _real_ Naruto, who drew in the Orbs after himself as he sprinted away from the Limbo clones towards the base of the tree-

"Bansho Ten'in."

"Hrk!"

Naruto felt an all-too familiar pull in his gut, and was yanked back towards the real Madara, still barely being protected by the Shinra Tensei he'd just fired.

Which meant that Naruto was being pulled towards a sphere of Amaterasu and Kesshotoketsu, right as the last of his sage chakra ran out.

He grimaced and stretched one hand downwards, Adamantine chains digging into the stone and dragging him off his path and towards the ground. He landed beside Sasuke, growling and rolling to his feet, and _LIMBO!_ Shouted Sasuke in his head, because right, those aren't busy anymore-

Which was when the mouth of the King of Hell opened. Hinata jumped outwards, body completely intact and Tenseigan cloak flaring, with a wide sweep of Counter chakra that (presumably) forced the Limbo clones away.

Madara's Shinra Tensei ended, and the elemental attacks fell in onto him.

He...just floated out of the chaos. Body burning, but a quick sweep-over of his returning Truth Seeking Orbs solved that issue, and he regenerated all the damage practically instantly.

His eyes narrowed just a tiny amount.

And then, for the first time in the combat, he started weaving hand-seals. "Tengai Shinsei: Ultimate Meteor Storm."

* * *

Sasuke's professional tactical assessment of the situation was that they were completely and utterly fucked.

Madara had began with a simple blitz using his strongest powers. And that hadn't worked, so now he was going to start playing tricksy. Using his less directly OP but more varied and ridiculous powers to keep them on their toes. Catch them out and kill them, or if not, keep them burning through their chakra reserves until they ran dry.

 _Any idea why we haven't seen his Susanno yet?_ Naruto thought into the group.

 _Pragmatism_. Sasuke answered. _And the power ranger effect. He knows if he brings out his strongest powers, we'll bring out ours. He thinks the odds of us pulling a win off go up if we resort to that, and we aren't doing that yet because one big attack on our part will drain our chakra completely._

 _So shouldn't we try it?_ Hinata asked.

 _Depends. We're still in normal mode because he's confident he can outsmart us. You wanna contest that?_

 _We've got two genii and the world's trickiest moron._ Naruto's reassuring voice came in. _We got this in the bag!_

That was when it started raining meteors.

The (insert synonym for big) rocks weren't quite as (insert synonym for bigger) as the ones Madara had dropped on the alliance earlier in the war, but this time there were _dozens_ of them, and more falling all the time. Sound became meaningless; nothing could be heard above the explosive roars of each successive meteorite pummelling into the ground around them like a jackhammer and turning the terrain into a mass of craters, peaks, and flying debris. Take Alduin's signature attack from Skyrim and multiply everything by a hundred, you might get something vaguely resembling what was going on now. It looked like the sky itself was burning.

Team Seven scattered, and the moment they had done so they realised it was a mistake as Madara and his Limbo clones hunted them through the hellstorm. The Jinchurikki's senjutsu let him sense their locations exactly, and Sasuke quickly found himself being hounded by three of the Limbo, _all of whom are as strong as Madara is FUCK this powerset._

Sasuke punched one in the chest with an Amaterasu Rasenkunai; it was knocked backwards but there was no other response, and he took a fist to the gut for his trouble. His back crashed into one of the fallen meteorites, but he ignored the pain and caught the arm of the next Limbo clone to strike at him. He twisted, using its body as a human shield to block another kick, then gripped his captive on the neck. Human path? Nothing. Preta path? Let him push his hand inside their 'body', but no other effect, and by that point the clone had counter-grappled and thrown him into the arms of another, and a punch was coming in towards the back of his neck that would sever his spinal cord. His eyes turned upwards, towards a falling meteor directly above him. Only about the size of a car, but with plenty of momentum.

 _Alright, fuckers, let's see if you can survive this._

Eyes straining, he used Amenotejikara to switch places with the rock.

All three Limbo clones were crushed beneath it, and Sasuke found himself hundreds of metres up with a perfect bird's eye view of the battlefield.

Madara has chased Hinata down again, and Sasuke witnessed what was probably in the top five fastest taijutsu brawls of all time. Hinata was a white-blue blur, four arms, two legs and two wings flashing like this was Jojo's Bizzare Adventure or something. Even with her amazing skill, though, she didn't stand a chance. Madara was still faster, still stronger, and still possibly flat out _better_ than her. He dismantled her defence, grabbed her by the throat, pulled up a Rinnegan rod in one hand-

- _Froze_ in Kesshotoketsu, and shattered the distraction effortlessly, but by that point his attention was already elsewhere.

Naruto had pinned his own Limbo clone down with Truth Seeking orbs, and made another dash for the tree. Madara had been flying straight for him, and again used Bansho Ten'in to pull the Uzumaki back.

The distraction was enough. Hinata thrust her arms forwards, calling out "Hiragekoma!" and while Madara blocked it (obviously), he couldn't turn the block into a grab, and Hinata was able to use her flight and telekinesis to disengage. He didn't run her down, instead continuing to chase after Naruto. Sasuke looked back, and watched the Limbo clones he'd tried to destroy shove the meteor off them and start moving again, completely unharmed.

 _We need a way to deal with the clones!_ He shouted into the link.

 _More importantly, we need to get Naruto up that tree!_ Hinata interceded. _That's the second time he's gone out of his way to stop it! What's the range on his universal pull?_

 _Mines almost thirty metres! His first was about double that, but it might be a double bluff!_ Sasuke warned.

 _This is the second time he's given up the opportunity to kill me to catch Naruto!_ Hinata retorted, _He wouldn't do that for mind games! Naruto, there must be some benefit for you getting Samehada to that tree!_

 _Great!_ Naruto enthused. _Now SAVE ME!_

While flying through the air in Madara's pull, he span vertically twice then kicked a small meteor that was falling atop him, sending it hurtling towards Madara. Madara completely ignored it, and it clattered off his chest.

Once again, six Orbs crashed against ten, and Madara had the advantage. Two of the spares swung down to shatter the chains Naruto tried to use to change his path, while the other two hovered dangerously behind Madara's shoulders, waiting until his target came within range (and possibly in case Sasuke attempted to teleport in and intervene). And Hinata was too far away to effectively intercede.

 _Hinata!_ Sasuke shouted. Gravity was much slower than he might have liked; he launched down kunai with wire attached and pulled himself faster, giving it a little extra leftward force to dodge another falling meteor. _Assassination plan 12!_

Hinata turned to him and nodded, dropping into what might have seemed like a position to catch him even as she used her telekinesis to speed him up.

Sasuke waited until the literal smallest division of time he could physically process before he collided with her, when he was a hair's breadth away from her arms that really didn't seem to have friendly intentions.

Across the battlefield, Madara's Rinnegan shifted back to Mangekyo, and the two Truth Seeking orbs he had in reserve dropped into physical contact with his shoulders.

And then Sasuke triggered his Amenotejikara, switching places with Madara.

 _And you didn't know I could do that did you-OH COME ON!_

Hinata shouted "FIVE HUNDRED AND TWELVE PALMS!" But the two Orbs Madara had brought with him ( _he brought them in ADVANCE, how did he react to it IN ADVANCE-_ ) flew into a shield in front of him and caught the blistering tirade.

Sasuke and Naruto were now both falling, and the former held out Samehada to the latter, shouting "Here! Get up there and-"

Madara, for the first time looking like he was actually being strained by his actions, pointed a finger at a spot in the centre of the warzone and said "Chibaku Tensei."

Team Seven all started to fall sideways.

* * *

If a meteor storm hadn't looked cool enough, imagine a meteor storm where every meteor that fell was being sucked towards a central point, gaining even more momentum as they did and moving to crush the insolent children that had dared to exist anywhere near them.

 _Does anyone remember when this was all about ninja?_ _Like, sneaking, and knives, with some small bits of magic?_ Naruto thought, sounding on the verge of a mental breakdown as he dodged another rock.

 _Don't panic!_ Hinata told them. _We can do what the Sannin did! Summon our sage creatures and reverse summon to their sanctuaries! Naruto, this will be a great chance to drop down shadow clones there and drain Senjutsu from the tree roots!_

Sasuke was silent in the chakra Skype call. He was too busy thinking.

 _How is Madara doing this? How is he predicting us so well? How, how, how? THINK!_

All three had already taken more than enough hits to have blood about their persons. As one, they took some in their hands, put them together, and shouted "SUMMONING JUTSU!"

...

...And nobody came.

* * *

In Mount Myoboku, in Shikkotsu Forest, in Ryuchi cave, and in the Angel Mountains, enormous roots tore up through the walls and ground.

Toads, Slugs, Owls, and Snakes all struggled weakly in the grasp of twisted, hungry branches.

The Shinju tree fed upon natural energy, after all. It's roots had been drawn to those hidden places as inevitably as water flows downhill.

Kudos struggled harder than most, his Mangekyo flashing a deep, angry red, screeching his defiance to the world. But he could not free himself. And when his mistress called, he could not answer.

* * *

"FUCK!"

Team Seven reached the centre of the rapidly forming planetoid. Hinata wrapped her wings around Naruto and Sasuke, trying to save them all from the worst of the buffeting as she strove desperately to use her own powers to pull them out of the gravity well. But there was nothing she could do to match the power of the Jinchurikki of the Ten-Tails, not alone.

Sasuke was barely even paying attention. His Rinnegan darted about, looking at Madara charging up something in his hands, seeing the four Limbo clones all arraying themselves out in front of their master. Meanwhile, his mind whirled, darting from concept to concept as fast as his neurones could fire. The Limbo clones, the Rinnegan, the Summoning, where did everything come from, why was Madara so smart, how much chakra do I have left, _how can Madara predict what we're going to do?_

The rocks piled down on top of them, slowly blocking out their view of the outside world. The last thing Sasuke witnessed before everything went dark was Madara building up an enormity of lightning chakra in his arms, and shouting "INDRA'S ARROW!"

Then, there was absolutely nothing to see. The darkness was total, inescapable.

And finally, Sasuke saw.

And, in an elegant four-step plan, he knew exactly what he had to do.

His eyes briefly closed, as he whispered an apology to his future self. Then they opened again.

"Chaotic Planetary Devastation."

 _Step one completed: counteract Chibaku Tensei._

The planetoid _shattered_ , the outward wave of force turning it into a frankly enormous fragmentation grenade that threw pieces of broken stone miles upon miles away. If the world survived, children would be venturing out and finding shards of it across the five nations for decades to come.

What Sasuke was feeling was frankly beyond pain at this point. He'd never felt anything like it and never wanted to again, but knew he was in for much worse before this little manoeuvre was completed, as he forced himself to push off forwards, jumping between the stone shards of his recent prison and riding their momentum up towards Madara.

Madara didn't even seem surprised. He simply hurled the enormous lightning bolt.

 _Oh...the one that owl used really was a miniature. So this is my ancestor's signature, huh? Glad he was as much of a dramatic bitch as we all are._

Ignoring the screams of his teammates in his thoughts, Sasuke rode the wreckage straight towards the incoming bolt, one arm reached out.

Of course, Madara's variant was imbued with senjutsu. It didn't turn Sasuke to stone, far too much for that; just began to obliterate his cells on contact. He didn't even bat an eyelid as his arm began to disintegrate; an arm that didn't exist hurt less than the rest of him did right now, and besides, it meant he was in contact with it. He stared past its blinding brilliance, focusing his vision on Madara's Limbo clones. Not the simple projection of force that they appeared as in this world, no, he focused on what the Rinnegan could uniquely see. On where they _really_ were.

Amenotejikara was greater than it initially seemed. Sasuke had instinctively known that its reach was greater than simply taking him to other objects, to other people, that it was _daring_ him to expand its reach further...a dare he was all too happy to take.

 _After all, we know other dimensions exist at this point, right?_

Sasuke wrapped his consciousness around himself, and the arrow, and punched a hole through the fabric of reality.

 _Step two completed: counteract Indra's Arrow._

He vanished from the dimension he'd spent his entire existence up to that point in, and now he was falling through empty space, stars all around him and the vacuum so cold-

He latched back onto his target, and tore through another hole. The dimension he appeared in was one of ice, freezing and terrible, so cold that even in the split second he spent there his skin hardened and frosted-

Tore through another, this was a dimension full of fire and lava, so hot his skin blistered and cracked, still the wrong place but closer, and Indra's Arrow was still with him, burning almost up to his elbow now-

Tore through another, and entered a world that was cold, but not unbearably so. Beneath him was a snowy landscape, and a large stone fortress, on the roof of which two figures with pale white hair looked up at him in shock-

Tore through another, and the blank, geometric world he saw around him now could only be Kamui. There were even signs of combat and a splash of blood far below him, if he looked.

His body was shutting down, tearing apart beneath him, he simply didn't have the _power_ to do this. So he used the Preta path to draw energy from the Arrow, even as it accelerated the rate that the senjutsu tore his arm to shreds, _come on, I don't care what happens after, I just need to last a few more moments-_

He tore through another hole. This world was blank. White, from horizon to horizon. With a laugh, he realised this might be the same place Hagoromo had brought them when he'd granted them their powers. _Didn't think I'd be returning so soon, did you?_

But most importantly, below him were four small pinpricks of something in the endless nothing. Four pinpricks that we're looking up at him in absolute bewilderment.

"HELLO, BOYS!" He screamed down to the Limbo clones. "I'M BAAAAACK!"

Sasuke released his conscious grip on the Indra's Arrow. Then he tore one last hole, and vanished into it.

* * *

What the rest of the combatants saw was Sasuke run up to Madara's coup de grace...and both vanish through a hole in the air.

A split second later, Sasuke returned through the same hole, tumbling helplessly through the air.

His right arm was gone, his skin had all been burned off, and blood and guts poured from his mouth. The remnants of his tongue. He hit a rock on the way down, throwing him into an even more helpless fall and snapping one leg at the hip. As he span, however, he was able to get a beautiful view of the four Limbo clones looking terrified for a good full millisecond. Then Indra's Arrow hit them in their own dimension. The four constructs vanished in a whisper of wind.

 _Step three completed: Neutralise Limbo Clones._

His Rinnegan regressed at that point, as did his Mangekyo and his Sharingan entirely. Ordinary, dark black eyes looked up at Hinata and Naruto, who (never the type of people to stand and gawk) flew down towards him.

They caught him about ten metres off the ground, and lowered him the rest of the way.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted in his face, which was rather inconsiderate (or not really. Sasuke was practically deaf anyway at this point.) "What did you just _do_?"

 _Madara's secret_. He thought up at them. His tenuous grasp on even the basic communication genjutsu was faltering, but he forced himself to provide his teammates one final tool.

 _The way he can predict us so well, I figured it out._

In hindsight it was simple enough, though he supposed in hindsight everything was. The biggest clue had been something so innocuous, Sasuke would never have noticed it if he hadn't been paying attention to the exact same things in himself. Why had Madara's eyes always gone back to Mangekyo when his life was in the greatest danger?

With his last strength, Sasuke shared:

 _Madara can use his Sharingan to rewind time._

 _Also, I love you._

 _Step four completed: Reveal Madara's Mangekyo Ability._

Then the connection cut, and he knew nothing at all.

* * *

"SASUKE!" Naruto screamed, as his friend slumped, and Hinata found with some surprise that she'd shouted her teammate's name as well.

 _He's not dead!_ She called across the bond, eyes roving over Sasuke's vitals. _But I have no idea how! His brain signals are going to cut out any second._

'Any second', however, gave ninja a lot of time.

Naruto inhaled, and set Sasuke down. He picked up Samehada from where it lay, having toppled out of Sssuke's outstretched hand. Then he turned back to the battle.

 _Time rewind._ He sent to Hinata. _Think Sasuke was right?_

 _Yes_. Hinata answered, honestly, somewhat amused by how far she'd come from hating the Uchiha's guts. _I trust Sasuke completely. If that's the conclusion he came to, I believe him. The issue is, how do we use it against the motherfucker that did this to him? Madara predicted the laser, the switch into the 512 palms, I'm sure he was doing it during the war...if he can undo his mistakes, how do we win?_

 _The same way Hashirama beat this guy his entire life_. Naruto replied. The answer felt perfectly obvious to him. _We put him in a position where knowing what's going to happen won't matter._

Meanwhile, Madara was looking between the two of them, and the spot his Limbo clones had just occupied. "It will take me a whole day to get those back..." he mused. "Other dimensions. Noting that for later."

Thunder roared above him. Though the meteor storm had stopped, it had turned the sky into a broiling mess of lightning and dark clouds. They couldn't even see the moon anymore, and Naruto briefly hoped that might have turned off the Infinite Tsukuyomi.

 _Hinata?_

 _Nope._

 _Dammit._

Madara put his hands together. "I hope you didn't expect that to give you an advantage. You see, a fun thing about Yin-Yang release is that it also gives you all the other releases too. Wood Clone Jutsu."

"OH COME ON!"

Madara didn't stop at four of these clones. He made ten, then ten more, then ten more, and by that point the first ten had activated their own Susanno and were charging toward the last two members of team Seven.

The pair exchanged a glance, and a whole lot of strategy.

Then Naruto hopped onto Hinata's back.

As once Sasuke had ridden Naruto into battle against the One-Tails, so now did Naruto ride Hinata against the Ten. Tenseigan Cloak active, Hinata flew forwards, and slammed into one of the Susanno's heads with both fists. Her arms flashed with Edacious chakra as her lionfists burst to life, consuming the energy making it up and causing the wood to shrivel and die.

 _This is the advantage Sasuke fought for, fuckface. The Limbo clones had no cost for you. These bargain basement ones have_ weaknesses _._

They were trapped, obviously, because Madara had thought of this. Each clone that charged towards them was brimming with natural energy, designed specifically to stop Hinata doing exactly what she was doing.

What he hadn't accounted for there was teamwork.

Hinata gasped as the natural energy flowed into her system, threatening to turn her to stone.

Gasped again as Naruto turned her head around and kissed her full on the lips.

He used the contact to access her chakra, and drew the sage energy out of her and into himself, eyes flashing orange.

 _Did you have to do that?_

 _Not at all. Are you complaining?_

 _Hell no._

The first Susanno-Wood-Clone disintegrated under their grasp.

The next punched them, and Hinata caught it's fist in one hand, repeating the process, while Naruto hurled his Truth Seeking orbs at the nearest one, tearing it apart.

Two more came in, swinging swords, and Hinata vaulted them, using her telekinesis to yank both avatars towards her and drain them both, her chakra reserves rapidly filling back up to even higher than they had been before the fight had started. "Shadow clone jutsu!" Naruto shouted, and _this was more like it_. Six shadow clones appeared around him, all in Sage mode, each wielding one of the Truth Seeking orbs as ruddy big sticks to smack about the avatars as they attacked.

Madara watched from afar as his endless supply of clones, far from drowning his opponents in overwhelming force, began to fall faster and faster.

But he wasn't stupid enough to keep attempting a failed strategy.

"Particle Style: Obliteration Ring!"

A white circle with a radius of over a hundred metres appeared on the ground, centered on Hinata and Naruto, and it rapidly grew brighter and brighter.

Hinata met Naruto's eyes. Then she kicked him in the chest.

He went flying outside the radius of the ring just as it's light peaked, and then a cylinder of white energy tore up into the sky. The beam tore straight up through the clouds, causing all the swirling black storm heads around it to rumble even more dangerously from the heat.

It also completely disintegrated one of Naruto's sandals, as well as, presumably, everything within the ring. That included all of Madara's own clones, but most importantly,

"HINATA!" Naruto screamed.

* * *

To his credit, the Uzumaki boy didn't let his grief distract him for even a moment. Smart. Madara couldn't actually sense anything within the giant column of his own power, but was willing to be the girl had found a way to keep herself alive (even if he'd saturated it with as much senjutsu as he could to get past her annoying Counter-Chakra).

His plan had been to hold them in there as long as possible (they had every incentive to stay inside for as and absorb as much energy from the attack as they could) which would let him set up as many of the dozens of plans he'd thought of as he had time for.

However, with the girl's impulsive emotional move, he now had an opportunity to put the biggest potential threat in the fight out of action right now.

He ceased his concentration on the Particle Style beam, and focused all of his attention on hurling his Truth Seeking Orbs at Naruto as fast as he could.

Naruto, sailing up over Madara, resummoned his six shadow clones (and their respective Truth Seeking Orbs) with a poof of smoke, and hurled the orbs down at him.

Madara briefly considered his options, then allowed his own Orbs to sail past Naruto's without engaging them. The boy was doing making more clones up there to help him evade, and Madara would not allow him to reach the tree with a halfhearted attack. He committed all his Orbs to destroying all the Naruto (not even _he_ could tell which was which, annoyingly), and when Naruto's Orbs reached him, he simply activated Shinra Tensei, the defensive wave of force enough to block the orbs for as long as it would take to destroy their caster.

 _Good fight, Naruto. But it's over._

And yet.

As the six orbs approached the edge of his defense, three of them vanished in poofs of smoke. Appearing in their places was-

"Oh Madaraaaaa~!" Called out three Hashirama Senjus who were all completely naked. "It's been so long, surely if you're going to spend eternity ruling the world you could spend it with me~"

Madara's jaw dropped.

"MY ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE! REVERSE HAREM JUTSU!" Shouted Naruto, even as Madara's orbs began to tear him and his clones apart.

Madara was distracted for just barely long enough. He realised that the Naruto clones transformed to look like his ex-boyfriend weren't falling onto him, but rather _around_ him, but by that point there wasn't anything he could do.

Golden Adamantine chains wrapped around the perimeter of his Shinra Tensei, and their chakra-nullifying powers pushed them through, slamming into Madara himself as the Naruto clones sheepishly dangled from the ends of the chains below, but that was still pointless because Madara still had his sage mode and could completely ignore their effects-

Which was when the Particle Style attack finished. Madara looked over and _oh, that's where the other three Truth Seeking Orbs are._ Hinata floated above a shield made of them, one that had cracked under the blast of annihilation but held, and now one of her hands was stretched up to the sky.

The dark, clouded, rumbling sky.

"GRYPHON! BEGONE, _THOT!_ " She screamed.

The storm flashed, and lightning chakra tore down towards Madara.

And without his Orbs or ninjutsu, he couldn't block it.

 _Oh, damn. That was close._

His eyes reverted to the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Turnback was what he had nicknamed his Mangekyo power, and it was the most exhausting thing he had. The longest he could rewind in his first life was five seconds, and doing that had put him in the hospital for over a week. Fortunately most conflicts didn't require it, and with the speed ninja moved at, he rarely needed to go back more than a handful of milliseconds. But his newfound power, coupled with the newly ridiculous speeds everyone moved at, meant that it became incredibly useful for pulling himself out of difficult situations. And of course, any chakra cost was worth it to avoid being killed outright.

The fact that he had been pushed to use it so many times in a single fight was a testament to his opponents skill, power, and ingenuity.

But none of that was enough to grant them the victory.

He rewound barely a millisecond, watching the world around him flash into inverted colours as everyone moved backwards, including himself. He watched the events around him crucially, waiting for the perfect moment to reclaim his body-there.

He was back just before the Particle column vanished, with his eyes in Mangekyo form, and chose to make his attack a much more cautious one, only sending four orbs to Naruto while six of them intercepted the falling clones.

The shadow clones disguised as Orbs were obliterated on contact, and the actual Orbs had their momentum halted by three of his own. The other three formed a shield above him, waiting for the moment when Hinata's clever lightning jutsu fell down from the heavens.

Of course, he couldn't block that with Shinra Tensei. Not because it wasn't strong enough: Because his eyes were stuck in Mangekyo form until he reached the moment in time when he had originally used the jutsu.

 _I had never thought that_ that _of all things would be a weakness. Today is certainly a strange one._

The column of light vanished, Hinata screamed "GRYPHON!", and Naruto...

Madara gaped, as two more Orbs appeared around Naruto and his clones, moving to intercept Madara's attacking four.

 _He only used ONE to save Hinata? Possible, if he infused it with Senjutsu, but why would he keep any of them in reserve? I was originally going to send all ten, he must have expected that, how did he-_

 _Oh. Oh, son of a motherfucking bitch, when did they figure Turnback out?_

Madara could do nothing but watch, helplessly.

Naruto's two orbs crashed into two of Madara's, leaving only two free to fly towards him and the clones he'd gathered around his person.

There were six Naruto total, all still flying with the momentum of Hinata's kick up towards the tree. Madara's Orbs struck, and that number dwindled to four, then three.

One of the Naruto took the other two, and threw them even harder away. That was then destroyed by an orb, and as the last two soared away, one of them turned around, fingers flashing with Adamantine chains-

Madara directed the last orb past it, targeting the Naruto that was the furthest away. The black material bit into his jumpsuit...

And he vanished in a puff of smoke.

The last Naruto continued, unimpeded, towards the tree.

"FUCK!" Madara swore, enraged.

The Gryphon struck his shield, which held, and he finally was able to bring his Rinnegan back active ("A fat lot of use you were!" He shouted at the third eye on his forehead) but by that point Naruto was out of range of Bansho Ten'in. Hinata was flying up to Madara now, aiming to buy her teammate time.

He sighed.

Privately awarded them the award of 'best team he'd ever had the displeasure of fighting'.

And then he summoned his Susanno.

The world shook in response to it's activation, and he didn't even bother analysing it's appearance, just reaching for the titanic katana at his hip, drawing it and swinging it in one smooth motion.

There was a flash of light.

Then Naruto, and the Tree, were both cut entirely in two.

* * *

 **The next chapter will be released Tomorrow, Sunday 5th April, at 22:00 London time.**

 **You know, I never considered myself a 'fanboy' of the Uchiha, or of Madara specifically. Sure, I like him, I think he's an interesting antagonist (thought, I suppose, a bit of a copy of Pain in terms of motivation). But I always thought the Byakugan was cooler, which you can tell because I wrote a 360,000 word fanfiction about it.**

 **But Madara...he's just broken dude. That's not my fault. They gave 80% of all the strongest powers we've seen so far to one dude.**

 **I've made clear that while he was alive, Hashirama was always that little bit better than Madara, and it pissed him off to no end. But I think the main reason Madara is so intimidating is because he doesn't give a shit about the nonsense all the other ninja perpetuate. The smack-talk, the references, the joking...Madara ignores it all. He'll just kill you.**

 **Return tomorrow evening for the conclusion. For better or worse.**


	92. Alone

**Alone**

* * *

Madara swept his katana to one side, then resheathed it in a perfectly smooth motion.

In front of him, the Shinju tree that had withstood the entirety of the chaos thus far toppled to the floor.

He was a little frustrated with himself actually; panic at Naruto's progress combined with uncertainty about the shape of his Susanno had prevented him from going for the perfectly vertical slash for fear of missing. He had been about five degrees off, resulting in a slash that cut the tree diagonally from one end of the base to the opposite side of the tip, leaving the head of the flower completely intact.

The same could be said for Naruto Uzumaki, in fact.

Madara considered going for the finishing blow on the remnants of the boy (two separate chunks still falling through the air, with a big purple sword spinning off to one side), but instead concluded that it was a safer bet to turn around and face the one remaining threat of the trio.

The killing intent coming off the tiny girl far below him was very impressive, all things considered.

"If your teammate had tapped the tree at the flower, he _would_ have been able to drain incredible amounts of sage chakra. Maybe enough to content with me." Madara called down to her. "But I do not need it to maintain the Infinite Tskuyomi, and I do not need it to maintain Six Paths Sage Mode. This is not an infinitely sustainable state of being for me: In a few hours I will have to give up maintaining one or the other. Or regrow the tree, which will take but a minute of concentration. Killing _you,_ however, will take orders of magnitude less time than that." He looked down at her pityingly. "It was a good attempt, but you have lost."

He had hoped for a quiet acceptance from her, and would have offered once more to return her to the dream if he had seen it.

He had _expected_ defiance, some bluster or swearing or quips that he could roll his eyes at.

He hadn't expected her to start laughing.

Hinata leaned back and guffawed, arms dangling to either side, before shaking her head and sighing. "You really don't get it, do you?"

She pointed past him. "His brain is still working." Back behind herself, in the rough direction of Sasuke. "So's his." Spread her arms out, "So of course we've not lost. This is, what, the third or fourth time Naruto has basically died this war? You're only special because it's happened to you more than once before he beats your ass."

She shoved her hands into the pockets of her slacks (which at this point were ripped to absolute shreds from all the fighting) and smirked up at him.

"And of course, if there's one thing I've learned from this, it's that Naruto will always, _always_ , come back for me. Gonna have to pay him back for that at some point. Suck his dick or something. Point is, all I have to do is sit here and delay you until he does."

Madara changed his mind on the matter of landing the finishing blow on Naruto, electing instead to do it as quickly as possible.

However, it didn't look like Hinata Hyuuga was going to let him.

* * *

With an Earth-shattering boom, the Shinju tree (or at least, a diagonal slice of it) crashed to the ground.

A few moments later, the first piece of Naruto hit the ground with a much quieter thump.

Shortly after that, the part of him that contained his head followed.

Naruto had been burned, broken, pierced and hurt more times than he could count. He had lost fingers, teeth, arms, legs on more than one occasion.

This was the first time, however, he had found himself in possession of less than half of his body.

The sword had cut cleanly from just below his left hip all the way up to between his neck and his right shoulder. He had no legs, one arm, one lung, half a small intestine, and no heart.

 _No heart? Wait, which side is the heart on? Which arm do I still have again? Heh, Sasuke's gonna be so jealous. I've gone full Anakin Skywalker._

 _Oh my god I don't have a dick. Madara fucking cut my dick off._

 _Wait, did Darth Vader still have his dick, or did that get burned off?_

These were the thoughts he used to not go into shock, as he stuck his one hand to the stone beneath him with chakra and dragged himself forwards.

Behind him, he could still hear booming explosions, and the darkness ahead of him was occasionally lit up with flashes of bright light, inevitably followed by hails of rubble and clouds of dirt.

 _Come on Hinata,_ he thought, before putting the matter out of mind entirely, focusing on robotically pulling himself further along the ground. Reach out, stick hand to the rock, pull forwards. Reach out, stick hand to the rock, pull forwards. Reach out, stick hand to the rock, pull forwards. And so it repeated, and so he went, leaving a red smear along the ground behind him.

How was he not dying? The answer to that was fairly simple. He _was_ dying, very rapidly. It was just that 'very rapidly' meant 'brain death in almost two seconds' and that was fucking _ages_ for him.

He looked up, blinking through grit that his tears and sweat had coated to his face. Up ahead loomed the flower of the Shinju tree. He had been crawling alongside the trunk of the thing; dwarfed by its shadow. _Thank fuck I landed close to the top...Get to the flower, drain the sage chakra, make sage shadow clones. Heal self, heal Sasuke, help Hinata win. Easy. Just gotta...get there..._

Reach out, stick hand to the rock, pull forwards.

The fact that he was hurting didn't really need to be stated. It was like a line of fire had been drawn through his body, and his brain didn't seem to have realised that most of him was missing. Instead, it had apparently decided that the rest of his body was definitely still there, just in absolute _agony_ , and had informed the charred remains of his nervous system of that fact as well. His vision was blurry and his head was throbbing. He couldn't breathe, and wasn't sure if he would even be able to do anything with oxygen if he got any, but his body had decided to make him suffer for that, too.

It was like...well. You can reach certain point where continuing to describe how much pain you're in becomes a bit too masturbatory, even for Naruto.

 _Don't worry about it. You can fix it once you've got all your power back, no problem. Just get to the flower._

Reach out, stick to the-

The last shreds of his chakra cut out completely. A wave of exhaustion tore through the remnants of his body, and his chin hit the ground, as his arm scrabbled uselessly against the sheer stone beneath him.

He was on a slope, actually, which he only noticed when he started to slide _backwards_ -

Naruto let out a guttural scream, pulling his arm up and stabbing it down into the stone. He crushed a hole into the rock, and used that to halt his movement backwards. Then he yanked himself forwards again, raising his bloodied fingers with broken nails to repeat the process.

Reach out. Break floor. Grip floor. Pull forwards. Reach out...

The scream had been a mistake. Wasted what little oxygen he did have left. Not that he had enough blood left to transmit it up to his brain, of course. And practically no chakra there either, which was bad. Those were the two things the brain needed, he was pretty sure. He didn't even know if his eyes were open anymore, everything had just gone black. Sound was gone, too, nothing was coming in through the ears. _Smell and taste check?_ Uh, blood. That was what those were telling him. But that was fine. All he needed was his sense of touch to know he was still going. But that was slowly numbing as well...

Reach out. Break floor. Grip floor. Pull-

Sag. Arm shaking horribly now. Grip floor. Pull forwards-

 _Come on, come on. COME ON. Hinata's out there fighting for her life, what are you doing? Wasting her time! You useless, fucking, useless, USELESS little orphan BASTARD! COME ON!_

Reach out. Break floor. Fail. Hit again. Break floor. Grip floor. Pull forwards. R-Reach out-

His hand hit something that wasn't rock. It was...soft. Folding under his fingers.

The flower.

He gasped (a mistake, no air but more pain) and gripped onto it like a lifeline.

 _Alright! Come on, you fucker, what have you got for me?_

He reached out with his senses. Or rather, sense, since touch had failed him by that point as well. The only things he could still process were the pain, and the sixth sense he'd cultivated not so long ago. His sense for Natural Energy.

He stretched that sense out, deep into the flower, it's brilliant, vibrant red petals, then deeper, deeper, into the wood of the tree itself, to where it still touched the greater root system of the tree below it, through every fibre of the great God Tree.

...But there was nothing.

Not a shred of energy, anywhere in the tree. It was dead. Madara had killed it.

Naruto felt nothing but ash.

The last of his strength left him, then. He simply lay there and sobbed.

* * *

Hinata breathed out.

 _Yeah, sure, delay. Solo. Against Madara Uchiha. No problem._

She looked back up at him.

The Susanno...it was just a bit fucking ridiculous at this point, really.

It looked like Madara had tried to make his Perfect Susanno, and then that had just sort of _exploded_ from the sheer mass of energy it was trying to contain.

Pure white light burst out of the purple armour at the seams, and erupted out of the back. Each of its wings, laid down flat, could have spanned the distance from Konoha to the valley of the End. It's helmeted mask was lifted up, revealing a bright white face with glowing eyes. Without her Tenseigan, she wouldn't have even been able to find where Madara was inside of it.

Matter of fact, without her Tenseigan, she would probably have just gone blind from looking at it. It could have made the sun cough and awkwardly try to cover its face out of embarrassment.

TL;DR: big 'n' scary.

But while she had every incentive to stand around gawking, Madara did not. He redrew his sword.

Hinata reaches one hand out, and called to hers.

She had been tracking Samehada's fall ever since Naruto had let go of it, and guided it down towards her.

As Madara raised his katana, she dropped into a low stance, back foot sliding in an arc around her.

First, she activated her Vishnu. That had become majestic in its own right; two gorgeous wings, white exterior marked with elegant, intricate black patterns, and an Opal halo hovering up above her head.

Next, Samehada came spinning down from the heavens, and slammed into her outstretched hand. Neither of them wasted any time, and it melted in her grip and spread across her body, giving a lavender tint to the white of the Vishnu and a feathered texture to the surface. All the chakra it had collected from the Wood clones, sage and otherwise, flowed into her. She used the momentum gained from the catch to throw herself further round in a circle, legs stepping around each other and coiling like a spring.

 _Wait for it, one and a half rotations..._ now _._

"FIFTH GATE OPEN!"

Her body flashed, the lavender tinting red, hair whipping out, and she used the momentum to hurl herself in a circle faster and faster. It amused her, to a degree, that the furthest she had progressed with the gates in four years of training was the same level Lee had reached when he was twelve.

Up above, Madara's sword had reached its peak. He twisted his footing, brought the blade down behind him, and then swept it through, building momentum and and tearing through the air straight towards her, edge burning as the air in front of it it didn't have time to get out of the way and simply caught _fire_.

Down below, Hinata's eyes flashed further, and she activated her Tenseigan cloak. Her body lit aglow, white, blue, and purple, hair flying through the air around her, as she channeled chakra through every tenketsu in her body.

"Edacious, Voracious, Obdurate, Adamantine." She declared. "TENSEI-SENJUTSU HEAVENLY SPIN!"

The dome built up around her, a sphere of perfect swirling white.

Then Madara's sword hit it.

The earth split, and the heavens burned, and blue flames spun up around her defence into a firewhirl that tore up into the sky.

The blade struck her head on, but wa tilted to the right. Then, eventually, it went grating along the exterior of her defence, slipping past and swinging onwards through the air beyond her.

Through the Tenseigan, she was able to see Madara's shocked look as he realised that she had just _directly withstood his full power_.

And then she flew up and punched the Susanno in the face.

* * *

Naruto floated in a void.

He supposed that this was probably his mindscape, though it was looking a little different. _Hey, at least the sewer's gone_. He spun his viewpoint around...

Nothing.

Sheer, unadulterated nothing.

Not blackness, for black is a colour. Naruto could not see colour. There was simply...nothing at all.

Medically, death occurred when the brain no longer functioned. Certain ninja knew that, more accurately, death occurred when one's soul left one's body, to one destination or another.

Naruto has his own personal definition, however. Because of course, people could be called back from the Pure Lands, or the belly of the Reaper. True death occurred when all hope of being saved was gone. When nobody wanted to bring you back, nevermind knew how. When the world would rather you simply did not exist.

True death occurred when one was alone.

In that sense, Naruto had been flirting with death his entire life.

And now he was finally at her door.

He couldn't feel his body, so he couldn't cry. Thought was all that was left, and even that was fading.

This was it. It was over.

 _And all that glitters is gold...only shooting stars...break the mold..._

* * *

 ** _Naruto!_**

The shout jolted him out of his reverie. Then he jolted again, because _shout? What?_

He turned, nothing, nothing, nothing some more-

Not nothing. Oh, that was not nothing at all.

Floating in front of him was a glowing golden light.

It was a spark, really. Barely noticeable. If he hadn't been reduced to sensory deprivation on this scale, he would never have been able to sense it. But it was there, alright.

He saw another glimmer, looking right to see a deep red light next to the first one. He turned in a circle, seeing sparks of green, white, cyan, orange, blue, black, brown...

 _It's the bijuu._ Naruto realised. _But that's not possible, all the Bijuu are in Madara, how are-Oh. It's the little bits._

Kurama had been trying to do something with their chakra, back when they had been trying to fight Madara and gotten cucked by Limbo.

Nine tiny flickers of Bijuu chakra. And, looking down...

A small, blue glow. His chakra. Of course. _As long as I'm still here, it can't all be gone._

"So, here you all are." He said. It didn't quite register with him in the moment that he was _saying_ , rather than merely thinking, but he was doing it nonetheless. "All stuck in here with me. Nine tailed beasts brought together, kinda like-"

He stopped. Frowned. It didn't quite register with him in the moment that _frowning_ required that he had a face, but he was doing it nonetheless. "Kinda like what Madara did..."

He kept spinning, looking between them all in turn. "Madara has sage mode. But he couldn't gather sage chakra. Obito certainly couldn't. They only got the Senjutsu when they merged with you guys. Because..." he remembered. "Because Hagoromo said you _are_ the tree. Or, well, you're the tree but mixed with his mum. The ability to get so much of the stuff...Madara's getting it from you! From putting you all together!"

He cracked his knuckles together, grinning. That was when he realised that his body was back. _Good. I'm gonna need it._

"Ohoho. That's what the Fox meant, the powerup he was trying to get me! Oh, shit, that's what Hagoromo was gonna say! Gathering all the Bijuu in here, so that I could-" he hesitated on the next word. "...Not absorb you. No, that's not me. You're all _people_. You're all just people, here with me, with hopes and dreams and names, and...Names. I bet Madara never even bothered to learn your names, did he?"

He turned to one of the lights; the golden brown of a particle of sand. Smallest, yet burning fiercely. "Shukaku?"

It flashed, and flew towards him, spinning around his own chakra.

 _And Gaara. You're here too, even if you're stuck in a dream. So it falls to me to wake you up._

"Matatabi?" It flashed, and flew towards him.

 _Same as Sakura, Tenten..._

"Isobu." _Ino, Shikamaru, Choji,_

"Son Goku." _Gai, Lee,_

"Kokuo." _Neji, Itachi,_

"Saiken!" _Haku, Sai,_

"Chomei!" _Iruka, Killer B!_

"Gyuki!" _Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Tsunade,_

 _Kakashi! Sasuke! Hinata!_

 **"KURAMAAAAA-**

* * *

Hinata's body was breaking apart around her, and she damn well fought like it.

Her form, a tiny, insignificant pinprick, slammed into the back of Madara's Susanno's head, making it stagger. It whirled around, flaring its wings, and she flew around with it, charging and firing a beam of energy towards its chest, digging a small hole in the surface.

His sword swung, and she barely had time to get out of the way, but she stomped her feet down on the blade, stuck herself to it, and rode the thing around.

A dozen bolts of light streaked from her position, striking it's face and exploding, as she sprinted down the blade to the hilt. There, she stretched her arm out, manifesting a giant, ethereal replica of Samehada. She took it in both hands, coated it in every buff she could think of, jumped up, and swung it upon his wrist.

The flash she got in response was highly encouraging.

The giant sword crashed to the ground as the Susanno's hand was severed at the wrist.

Hinata didn't waste time, flying up to the breast of the avatar behind which she knew Madara was hiding, holding her weapon like a lance and letting out a war cry-

The Susanno's other fist hit her.

The shockwave practically shook timespace. She went careening backwards, leaving a trail of shimmering lights in her wake before crashing into the ground.

The Tenseigan cloak was gone. She stumbled to her feet and called out "Heavenly spin!" again, but Madara just wound up with another punch, slamming his fist into her defence. Even without the Tenseigan her defence was barely able to hold, though she was dug about halfway into the stone beneath her.

By that point, the hand she had cut off had reformed. He punched her with that, too. When she still survived, he hit her with his other fist. Then the other, then the other...

She survived about ten strikes before she couldn't hold it any longer, the blood vessels in her arms rupturing to the point where they no longer obeyed her commands.

The dome of chakra (at this point at the bottom of a large new pit) shattered, and the remaining momentum of the Susanno's fist carried it through, slamming into her body and crushing her into the stone.

She tried to scream, as the titan's hand retracted, but found that she couldn't.

He'd...he'd fucking _pancaked_ her.

Her head had been spared, but all of her body below her neck was practically mulch. Her _bones_ were visible, stabbing through all the fleshy parts. You could charitably compare her to that bony one from Attack on Titan, and just like the anime, she was practically 2D at this point.

 _Hehe, that was a good one. Sasuke would give me a hi-five for that. Sweet lord I'm in pain._

She could still see Madara staring down at her broken form, and watched him open his mouth.

Her voice wasn't working, so she vaguely threw outwards a genjutsu that said ' _if you're about to make another boring-ass speech, please for the love of Kami just punch me again instead'_.

His mouth clicked shut. Then he said "Aight." and pulled his fist back.

Hinata braced, running through possible methods of escaping this and priming her telekinetic flight-

When Madara froze in place.

She froze too.

Wind blew across the battlefield.

It brought with it a sound.

Specifically, strummed guitar chords, in the pattern of G, D, A minor, and C, repeated.

Madara, for the first time Hinata had seen, looked genuinely flabbergasted.

"No." He said, quietly. "That...that just isn't possible."

"The universe does not care what you believe to be impossible." Hinata replied, with a grin. She used her telekinesis to pick up her own broken body and fly away. Madara didn't care, turning back to the tree, and the growing glow behind it.

The guitar music stopped. There was an intake of breath.

"Some-" the stump of the Shinju tree exploded as an enormous, golden, three headed, six armed avatar tore past it "BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME-"

* * *

The Indra Susanno and the Ashura Avatar both wound up a fist and punched. Their knuckles met between them, with an explosion of force that sent every cloud nearby rocketing away. Above them, a circle of perfectly clear sky appeared, above which the bright red moon waited and bore witness.

Madara Uchiha was absolutely incalculably _furious._ "Why." He grit out. "Must Ashura's children never just DIE THE FIRST TIME!"

Naruto Uzumaki, floating within the avatar, grinned up at him. The boy hadn't had the matter to regenerate his whole body. Everything beneath the cut that Madara had made earlier was a shoddy Wood release creation, welded onto the rest of him with nothing but sage chakra and spite. And oh, was there sage chakra. _How in Kami's name did he manifest a miniature Ten-Tails within himself? Is that even what that is?_

But he had done _something_ , and now he was sucking in natural energy like he was a Juubi Jinchurikki himself. Even if he only had a tiny fraction of the chakra, it was enough. The tree (and with it, Madara's monopoly) was destroyed, and the only thing that mattered to amount absorbed now was force of will.

Apparently, Naruto's matched Madara's own.

 _No. Don't question it. He's_ Hashirama _ing. Kill this twirp the same way you killed the man you loved: Don't let him get inside your head, react calmly to his chaos, and pummel him with brute force until he goes down._

"I CAN'T DIE!" Naruto shouted at him in response. "NOT AS LONG AS I'M NOT ALONE!"

...Staying calm was harder than it sounded when Madara's enemies came out with shit like that.

Madara roared, and struck again. Naruto had the advantage in terms of sheer number of arms; he kept two up in a guard about his face and used the other four to pummel Madara for all he was worth.

Madara's Susanno took two more hits to the face and a knee to the groin before realising _Hold on. I'm still half again as big as he is, and several times more powerful._

He spun, brushing off Naruto's attacks and delivering a back kick that sent the avatar sprawling to the floor, and _Oh, bollocks, I let him make distance-_

"MULTI SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!" And oh, wonderful, there were thousands of the things. A few spread throughout the battlefield, far too many to keep track of, but the vast majority of them simply flew ( _They fly now? They fly now.)_ straight towards him, charging Rasenshuriken.

"INFINITY FLAME!" Madara shouted, bringing up his hands to his mouth and belching a ridiculous mass of blue fire out in front of himself, vaporising clones in their thousands. He began making more hand seals, then stopped as an enormous Rasenshuriken created by the avatar came flying towards him " _TURNBACK!_ "

Time rewound, and instead of making seals he held his hands out to the side, re-manifesting his blade. When the Rasenshuriken came tearing through the remnants of his fire breath, he slid to the side and swept his katana right through it. The two halfs separated, tearing valleys into the earth some distance away. Madara ignored them, charging forwards and lopping two of Naruto's avatar's arms off, then cracking the butt of the blade into his head to stagger him. He brought it back into a high guard, ready to swing down-

Stopped, when he heard a very specific word he had primed himself to pick out of the chaos.

"Get up, Sasuke!" Shouted one of the miscellaneous clones on the battlefield. "This is no place to die!"

Madara turned within his defence, and saw the clone flying an unconscious Uchiha across the battlefield, channeling life-giving chakra into the young man.

"OH NO YOU DON'T-" Madara turned to intercept them, but got rugby-tackled by Naruto Prime, the golden avatar keeping it's weight low and straining to try and overbalance him.

 _Fool._

Madara let his Susanno be lifted off it's feet. Then he beat his wings, kicked Naruto in the face, and flew even higher.

All three faces of the thing looked up at him dumbstruck as he rocketed into the air. One wingbeat, two, three, and then he turned and propelled himself _downwards._

The avatar jumped backwards, managing to avoid as Madara's Susanno slammed into the ground hard enough to cause a literal _ripple in the earth._ But he wasn't mobile enough to avoid Madara's followup swing with his Katana. The gold avatar braced, bringing up arms it knew couldn't withstand his attack in a vain attempt to defend itself.

But withstand it it did.

Madara swore loudly as a shield of purple armour grew up in front of the arms, which his blade grated along without penetrating.

 _HEY DICKWAD!_ Shouted Sasuke Uchiha, via genjutsu. His arm was still gone, leg still broken, tongue still missing, and he was leaning on Naruto's shoulder for support. But he was conscious, and protected by the avatar. _LOOKS LIKE YOUR 'SWORD' JUST DOESN'T CUT IT WHEN IT COMES TO AN UZUMAKI! GUESS WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT OUR CLAN'S SIZE ISSUES IS TRUE, HUH?_

" _DIE!_ " Madara replied, eloquently. He swung his sword six times in quick succession, launching giant waves of lightning chakra at his target then charging after them.

Naruto blocked one in each arm, dodged preemptively left and just past Madara's downwards sweep, " _TURNBACK!_ ", and this time when Madara came in he angled his blade left, falling to a knee, such that the katana sliced through the golden avatar's leg, making it crash to the floor.

He brought his sword up, preparing a downwards stab to the head-

A massive blast of white light launched up from it's face, melting a giant hole through his Susanno's hands and causing the blade to crash uselessly to one side.

The avatar fired again, and Madara forced the giant mass of his Susanno to dive roll to one side, avoiding the attack that swept upwards through the area he'd just occupied. Sweat began to run down his forehead.

"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY BOYFRIEND!" Hinata Hyuuga shouted, also now having been retrieved and brought within the avatar. She, too, looked ready to keel over at any moment, with massive organ failure and a shattered body. But her Tenseigan was clearly working _just_ _fine._

It was Naruto. _He_ was the backbone of the team. He was the only reason either of them were still alive.

 _So I just need to kill him. Shocker._

Madara rolled back to his feet, manifesting an enormous blue greatbow in his hands and drawing the string back. Senjutsu enhanced Yin-Yang chakra built up in his hands, warping gravity and bending light's travel around it. _Come on, take the bait, take it, take it. If you're anything like Hashirama, you won't be able to resist an epic final clash..._

They took it.

As the Ashura avatar regenerated it's leg and returned to it's feet, the three members of Team Seven looked at each other and nodded.

It raised it's arms above it's head, and began marshalling a swirling mass of chakra.

And just like that, Madara had won.

In order to counter him, they would have to each contribute their own unique powers to the attack. But that was impossible.

Two ninja combining chakra equally to form a ninjutsu was difficult even for Jonin.

Two ninja combining chakra from _two separate elements_ , especially ones that mixed explosively like fire and wind, was even harder. Only Kage could perform feats like that, or ninja who had spent their entire lives with each other.

Combining a _combination nature transformation_ with a _dojutsu power?_ Even he and Hashirama working together had never been able to effectively combine Madara's Susanno with Hashirama's larger Wood release structures, and he was not gloating when he claimed that they were two of the most synchronised ninja in history on the battlefield.

(Madara, of course, had never actually heard of Neji and Itachi.)

But these children desired to combine _completely different chakra types_ , and do so equally between _three_ people! Powers granted by god or not; it couldn't be done. They weren't even eighteen.

Their technique would fail, or explode in their hands. And Madara's attack would punch through the avatar's head and kill all three.

In the end, he decided it was highly poetic. They would ultimately fail because their powers of teamwork, cooperation and trust simply weren't enough.

"WITH THIS, I SNUFF OUT THE WILL OF FIRE!" Madara cried out. "WITH THIS, I BRING PEACE! SAGE ART: HAGOROMO'S ARROW!"

He loosed his attack. The projectile tore across the ground between them, whipping up a tornado in it's wake that carried all the wreckage of the battle along with it. One attack, to render all others meaningless. It was an extension of his own will.

He watched the spinning chakra above the avatar's head. Watched as it grew larger, stronger, a throbbing mess of black and gold that grew until it resembled the boy's Rasenshuriken, yet on an even greater scale.

Watched the technique shudder, as Sasuke channeled energy into his teammate's body and purple energy coagulated around it.

Watched it shake violently, as Hinata did the same from her side and white-blue streaks appeared in the spinning orb.

He grinned, when Naruto Uzumaki attempted finally to add his Senjutsu. The technique shook one last time...then split. The perfectly horizontal plane of rotation tore itself apart, shattering into dozens of different chaotic swirls.

Madara chuckled to himself, closed his eyes, and waited for the end.

* * *

He opened them again when he heard whoops.

What he saw made his jaw drop.

It was...it was _intact_.

It was a complete mess. Swirls within swirls, circles within circles, spikes and blades and power and...and it was _working._

Each individual component flowed into and out of all the others. Naruto to Sasuke, Sasuke to Hinata, Hinata to Naruto, and the reverse. Each of the three alone, and then, in the core, all three combined...

 _How? I...I don't understand. How can they know each other so well? How can they dare to reveal so much? How...how can they bear to face being_ known?

"BEHOLD!" Shouted Naruto, arm in arm with each of his teammates.

"THE ULTIMATE JUTSU! THE TENSEI-RINNE-YIN-YANG-SUSANNO-VISHNU-SIX-PATHS-SENJUTSU-BIJUU-RASENSHURIKEN!" The avatar pulled it's arms back, stomped both feet down onto the floor.

"OR, AS WE PREFER TO CALL IT..."

Team Seven spoke in unison. " **THE ALL-STAR!** "

The avatar heaved, and sent the attack flying through the air.

Madara watched in horror as it shred his own jutsu like tissue paper.

Then he whited out.

* * *

When Madara reawoke, he was falling. Curiously, he didn't seem to be any pain.

His Susanno was gone, obviously. Everything around him just seemed to be glowing with light, as though he was falling through the greatest fireworks display the world had ever seen.

Above him, Team Seven was falling too. Or more specifically, they were _flying._ Towards him. Each had a hand held out, as they drew ever closer to that one spot in his stomach beneath which the Ten-Tails writhed. He wanted to defend himself, yet...couldn't seem to bring his body to move.

 _That's it, then. I've lost._

Time seemed to slow.

"It's a bitch, isn't it?"

Madara turned his head. Naruto was there, floating in the air next to him. Or rather, a copy of the boy was. The real one was still preparing to tear his chest open. _A genjutsu, then_. He could have dispelled it effortlessly. Didn't.

"What is?" He replied.

"Losing." Naruto shrugged. "Happens to you enough, you get used to it, but the sting never quite goes away."

"I wouldn't know." Madara replied, hoarsely. "I've never lost a real fight before."

"Oh yeah?" Asked a different voice. Madara looked, and saw Sasuke sat in the empty space with his legs crossed. "What about Hashirama?"

Pain swelled in Madara's gut, along with rage. "I _killed_ Hashirama."

"I'm not saying you lost _to_ him." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Although, you know, you definitely did."

A different voice appeared, along with Hinata. This one softer. "You didn't lose to him. But you did _lose_ him, didn't you?"

Madara closed his eyes, and sighed. "Yes. Yes, I suppose I did." He reopened them, and looked between them. "So what is this? Some last attempt to gloat?" He focused on Naruto. "Or is this one going to try and use his Talk no Jutsu to-"

"Can everyone, just-" Naruto raised his hands frustratedly, then sighed himself. "Can we _stop_ calling it that, please? It's not a fucking jutsu." He smiled sadly at Madara. "It's not mind control, it's not a superpower. It's just what happens when I try to understand someone when nobody else dares to try. There's so much you can do if you're just willing to extend that hand."

"Sometimes the hand gets bitten." Madara countered.

Naruto shrugged. "Sometimes." A smile broke out on his face. "But I've always been a fast healer."

"We're here because you have time to cast a jutsu before we can kill you." Hinata replied, simply. "No matter what you try to do with it, it won't be able to stop us from beating you. Though if you're feeling spiteful, and clever enough, you could probably get one of us killed."

"But, we were thinking, maybe you could use that last jutsu on something more productive." Sasuke offered. "Like, oh I don't know-"

"Rinne Tensei." Madara laughed, hoarsely. "Of course."

"You're still the Juubi Jinchurikki." Naruto pushed. "Still the most powerful person alive. If you use it now, your range will be incredible. You might be able to bring back everyone who died in the war!"

"You want me to use my last breath to _apologise?_ " Madara glared at him.

"No." Naruto admitted, frankly. "You still think you're right, we clearly haven't changed that. But if you really want to minimize human suffering, this is the play you can choose to do it. Everyone's coming out of the Infinite Tsukuyomi whether you like it or not; you've already lost. You just get to choose how many people died while you were doing it."

Madara shook his head, vehemently. "What kind of disrespect is that? Those people died for what they believed in, and you would simply undo it? Render their choices meaningless? You are committing _exactly_ the 'evil' you accuse me of."

There was a short silence.

"My cousin's name is Neji." Hinata said, after a moment. Looked at Sasuke. "And he has a big brother called Itachi. They were both partners. Both fought for what they believed in, and both died for it."

"They say there are two types of people." Sasuke nodded his head, speaking quietly. "The ones that think 'I suffered, why shouldn't they?', and the ones who think 'I suffered so that they don't have to.'" He looked up. "I'm the latter, and they were too. They did so much to keep us safe, keep us happy. You think if they were given the opportunity to watch us enjoy what they worked for, they wouldn't take it?"

Madara looked down, and didn't say anything.

Naruto paused, then walked up through the air, and crouched down next to Madara's head. "Aight, look." He said. "The story's over now. It's written, conflict over, done and dusted. But now _you_ get to decide the genre."

"That's not how writing books works..." Madara groused.

"In one genre, eveything's hopeful, but still gritty." Naruto continued. "I go back and I bury Kakashi and Obito. I attend Killer B's funeral. Countless of us do something similar.

In another, it's happy. Toothache inducing levels of happy. The dead come back to life at the end. Everyone gets a happily ever after. And when the book comes out, the critics go 'there were no stakes! None of the sacrifices _meant_ anything! Shoddy work! It isn't _fair._ '"

He leaned in, grinning. "But you know what I say? We're ninja. Fuck 'fair'."

He spread his arms. "Who gives a toss? I sure don't! We have a once in a lifetime opportunity here! A _bloodless war!_ Death and suffering are awful, and horrible, and they aughtn't even exist, and you can _stop_ some of that!"

He fell back onto his arse, sighing. "Or don't. That's fine. But someday, maybe not soon, but someday? We are going to crack the rules of this world. We are going to find out what it is that makes all these people war with each other, and we're going to _fix_ it. We're going to give them the freedom to _choose,_ and they're going to _choose the right thing!_ " He smirked. "And then one day, when we tear down the wall to the pure lands, and spread throughout the stars, and everyone who's ever died comes back and nobody ever has to do it again...you're going to get to have another conversation with Hashirama. That, I promise you, unconditional. What's up to you, right now? Is what you'll be able to tell him you did when you were asked to put human life before your own pride."

Madara stared him down for a long moment. Then calmly said, "Are you quite finished?"

Naruto stared back at him, and then nodded. He glanced up and shared a look with his three allies, and all three of them vanished.

Time began to speed back up.

Madara was falling again, and they were falling towards him.

He put his hands together.

 _So many options..._

They were right about one thing, though. He couldn't win.

 _Looks like I'm going to be coming second, Hashirama._ He thought to himself, much calmer than he thought he'd be. _Heh. But I guess you're more than used to that happening, you short fused bastard. Bow-chika-wow-wow..._

 _When I do see you again, old friend? We really are going to need to have a good long talk._

"Samsara of Heavenly Life Technique." He said, aloud. " _Fine,_ you smug bastards. Rinne Tensei."

* * *

 **The next chapter will be at the regular time next Saturday.**


	93. Epilogue I: Idiots

**Epilogue I: Idiots**

* * *

Team Seven looked absolutely ecstatic for almost a full second after Madara cast the jutsu.

Then they realised they were all on the brink of death.

"SHIT-"

"SASUKE-"

"DO THE THING WITH THE NOM NOMS-"

"AAIGHT AAIGHT KING OF HELL GO GO GO-"

The King of Hell appeared on the ground beneath the trio, and they essentially _fell_ into it's mouth. Right next to them, Madara simply hit the floor. He crashed into the stone, bouncing once, and then sighed. _Idiots. I've been defeated by idiots..._

That stung, an arrow shot right into his pride, but he found he didn't have the energy to be angry about it. Too exhausted. Frankly, more than one life was far too long for him.

Or maybe that was the life-draining jutsu talking, who knew.

"So are you healing them first and _then_ bringing everyone back to life, or what?" He called over to the big demonic head that was just sort of sat there in the destruction of the battlefield. "The souls are released from your mouth, right? What are you doing now, chewing?"

The King looked at him.

His vision was beginning to blur at that point, and it was always hard to tell about the Rinnegan, but Madara was _sure_ that it rolled its eyes at him.

He was proven correct a moment later though.

The King's mouth opened, and the trio stumbled out of it. They looked absolutely exhausted, but otherwise were completely unharmed despite all three being crippled moments earlier. _The Rinnegan really is bullshit._

Then, the moment they were out of the way, the King of Hell tilted it's head upwards. A beam of green light came erupting from its mouth, flying up into the air before splitting and raining down around them.

It was, admittedly, very pretty.

Most fell far in the distance, in one direction or another, but a few landed close enough for their landing zones to be seen by the four ninja still standing. One touched the floor and grew, spreading into a human-esque silhouette of green, before the light shattered, revealing an intact (and most importantly, unharmed) ninja within it. He sat up, looked around in shock.

Everyone heard him go "The fuck?"

"Oh I know that guy." Madara mused. "He was the guy with the glowing sword I fought while I was dicking on your whole army. He was fun."

The next breath he tried to take came in as a wheeze, which quickly transformed into a cough. The senjutsu chakra he was absorbing was trying desperately to keep him alive, but there was only so much it could do.

"Ugh. I suppose I should hurry this along then. I'm sure you obnoxious brats would find a way to do it without me, so I may as well save you the time..." Madara put his hands together. "I'll be honest, the massive speech to start the Infinite Tsukuyomi was just me being dramatic. I just have to make the rat hand seal and I can-"

There was a subsonic boom.

The roots of the world tree around them (the ones that had survived the carnage, at least), began to shudder, cracks appearing in the wood.

"There." Madara panted, sagging. "Everyone should be...freeing themselves from the dreamworld now." He smirked. "Chance to test your theory, Uzumaki. Find out how many wish...they could go back in. Shame I won't get to find out..."

"How many of the people you're resurrecting had new bodies constructed?" Hinata spoke up. She has sagged against Naruto's left side, but was still giving Madara a piercing look.

"Everyone who was destroyed beyond repair." He told her. "It's...much more difficult to do it that way. Others could be put back together, and had their souls returned to their original bodies. Most who died to the Zetsu or Edos are still..." he coughed again, "mostly intact."

"But might still be in danger of death..." Naruto sighed. "The Pain attack all over again. Multi shadow clone jutsu!" A hundred or so clones (a frighteningly small number, which spoke volumes about his condition) appeared, spreading out in all directions to provide information and assistance where necessary to the recovering ninja.

"Is that it then?" Sasuke panted, eyes closing. "Are we done?"

Naruto frowned. "Not yet."

"Oh, come on!" Sasuke pointed vaguely towards one horizon, without looking up. Tinges of red could be seen spreading into the sky. "See that? It's dawn. We've been fighting since yesterday morning! It's been a whole-ass day and we spent most of that perceiving time like a hundred times faster than everyone else! I want to go to bed!"

"Isn't the whining supposed to be _my_ job?" Naruto asked, as his friend slumped against him.

"Yeah, what he said, Uchiha." Snarked Hinata from Naruto's other side. She was smiling.

"Sod off Hinata, you spent half the fight on the moon."

"And what do you think I was doing up there, weaving daisy chains? I had to talk to a god!"

"Us too!"

"Guys, chill, you can go sleep in a minute." Naruto lightly swatted both of them on the head. Out of the three, he was looking the most spritely. Madara knew that was due to the Six-Paths Sage mode he still hadn't turned off; natural energy was still constantly flowing into the boy. _He must be practically on an adrenaline high right now. Heh. He's gonna crash when that drops..._

"For real tho. Madara." Naruto focused on him. "Bijuu. Out."

"Right." Madara grimaced. "I don't actually know how to go about doing that-"

"Eh, don't worry, I'll sort it." The Uzumaki eased his teammates off of himself, then walked up to Madara, putting one hand on his chest and closing his eyes. "Yeah, they're all still there. That's what you get when you let chakra chunks have personalities for thousands of years. They don't _want_ to coagulate into a big murder monster. I won't even have to use Creation of All Things to bust them out."

"You can _do_ that?"

"I'm not sure if there's anything I _can't_ do right now." Naruto pointed out.

"Hmph. Fair." Madara looked up at him. "You'd better take responsibility for this and corral them. Anyone they kill from now on is on you."

Naruto just rolled his eyes. "For the love of-They're not monsters. They're _people._ "

"That's hardly an exhaustive threat assessment-"

"I don't give a shit. I want my Fox back."

His frank admission got a chuckle out of Madara. "Hah! You sound just like Hashirama. Are you sure you're not secretly a direct descendant of his?"

"That sounds like the plot of a really crap fanfiction."

"Point." Madara lay back. "Do as you will, Naruto Uzumaki. The world is in your hands."

Naruto smiled. "Nope." He looked back at his teammates fondly, the two of whom had sunk into a sitting position against each other's backs. "It's in _ours._ "

The hand on Madara's chest flashed with chakra, then tugged.

Having a Bijuu extracted from your stomach _really_ wasn't fun. Having the Ten-Tails extracted from your stomach was, to nobody's great surprise, _even less fun._

But hey, at least the lightshow was pretty.

Naruto, specifically, began to glow a bright gold, and actually _gasped_ as he stepped backwards.

"Kurama?" He asked, hesitantly.

" **Naruto!** " A voice echoed his call. " **Oh thank the Sage I thought you were dead, I thought _I_ was dead, I was about to-**"

"Whoa, foxy, inside thoughts." Naruto cautioned. "You keep going like that outside my head you're gonna let the world know you have _feelings._ "

" **Oh, shit, can't have that.** "

Naruto wandered off slightly, continuing to talk into mid air and getting the attention of the rest of the Bijuu.

Madara shook his head, and turned back to the other two members of the team. "As for you two..." He coughed again. Now, all his powers were gone, leaving him an ordinary, rapidly dying man. "I got you a present."

Sasuke and Hinata exchanged concerned glances. "Which means...?" Hinata asked, tentatively.

"Exactly...what it sounds like." Madara smiled. "I'm giving you some tools to help you be more rational. You were both...pretty tricky during that fight. So you're definitely smart, maybe...the world isn't as doomed as I fear."

In the distance, shouting could be heard. Madara saw the pair stiffen and shakily climb to their feet, looking behind him. From the voice, he knew what they were looking at. Their sensei, whateverhisname, was running up towards them, with Obito beside him.

But that wasn't the prize.

"I was...what's Hashirama's word for it...'OP'." Madara told them, grabbing their attention again. "Meaning I was able to reach...a bit further back than just the war." He pointed a finger, behind Sasuke and Hinata, to the _other_ two figures rapidly approaching from behind them. "You told me you thought they'd _prefer_ it if you undid the sacrifices they'd made." He saw both their eyes' widen, and smirked. "Time to...put your predictions to the test...you little shits..."

His arm fell back to the floor, as Sasuke and Hinata spun in place to look behind them.

A very exhausted Uchiha and Hyuuga...looked into the eyes of a very exhausted Uchiha and Hyuuga.

"Hinata?" Whispered Neji.

"Sasuke!" Shouted Itachi.

The two children charging into the arms of their family was the last thing Madara saw before the darkness overtook him.

All in all, there were much worse scenes to die to.

* * *

 _Some_

 _Body once told me the world was gonna roll me,_

 _I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed.  
_

 _She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L,_

 _On her forehead..._

* * *

 **Some time later**

It took Sasuke a long time to wake up.

He drifted for an indeterminate amount of time, somewhere between lucid and unconscious, like a fly around...oh screw it, metaphors were hard, he was tired. Eventually, though, discomfort won out over apathy. Everything in his body ached, from the soles of his feet to the palms of his hands, to his lungs and his brain. It was kinda like deciding that you need the toilet enough to make yourself get up, even though you're tired? Except with pain. So, grudgingly, he tried to open his eyes.

That didn't exactly work. His eyes (quite reasonably, if he was being honest) decided that they had put in more than enough work recently and were deserving of a break. They tried to satisfy him with _dreams_ of opening his eyes and doing stuff, but after his recent experiences with genjutsu, that just pissed him off. _Yeah, fuck off._ He told them. _Come on, body, we can do this. Alley-Oop!_

All he was able to do at that was wriggle himself around a bit in his bed (wherever that was). He couldn't even muster the strength to lift his own body weight. _Why the hell are these covers so heavy-_

"...s why it took so long." A familiar voice filtered into his ears from somewhere nearby. "We had to find a-Oh, hold on, looks like your teammate's up."

A pair of gentle hands pulled the sheets off of him, taking him by the shoulders. "Sasuke? You with us, hot stuff?"

 _Haku._ Sasuke placed the voice, with some relief, though he still couldn't open his eyes. He sucked in a shaky breath through a dry throat. "W-water."

"Here." Haku's arms helped him up into a sitting position, back against the bedrest, before holding what felt like a cup against his lips. He drank, gratefully, but ended up trying to take in too much and coughing half of it back up over himself.

" _Easy,_ tiger." Haku stressed, patting his back. "Take your time. You're more than entitled to hit the snooze button if you need to."

"N-No more dreams." He said, recovering. "Bit of a-" he coughed, "-aversion to those at the moment. Th-Thematic reasons, you understand." He took another sip of the water, more carefully this time.

"Heh. Glad to hear your sass systems are fully operational, at least." Haku's hand came up to press against his forehead. "No temperature, your chakra reserves are low, but stable. Can you open your eyes for me?"

"N-No." Sasuke gulped, trying not to panic. "They...they're not-"

"Sasuke." The voice came from somewhere to his left. Hinata's voice. "We're all here. It's okay." She chuckled weakly. "And it'd hardly be 'thematically' appropriate if you couldn't open your eyes now, wouldn't it?"

For some reason, (which Sasuke would have called total BS on had he been more awake) that actually helped. He reached one arm up to rub at his eyes, then blearily opened both.

Haku's annoyingly pretty face came into focus in front of him.

"There ya go." The Mizukage pat Sasuke's shoulder and moved back as he tried to take in his surroundings. He was in...a tent. Medical tent, by the looks of things. Hinata was on a cot beside him, and she gave him a halfhearted wave, which he returned.

"Where-what-" Sasuke looked around some more, saw Naruto lying on a cot to his right. The blond was snoring, loudly. Full team accounted for, Sasuke allowed himself to actually relax. "How long were we out?"

"You and Hinata have been asleep for..." Haku fell back into a nearby chair with a sigh, turning to look at a clock in the corner of the room. "Twenty-nine hours. She woke up just before you." Haku pointed at Naruto. "He has been asleep for...forty three minutes."

" _What?_ "

Haku laughed at their shocked expressions. "I thought we'd already established: Naruto is not a person. He is a force of nature with hair and biceps. While you two passed out (like, you know, normal people would after exhausting their chakra multiple times over in almost ten consecutive encounters of exponentially increasing difficulty), Naruto kept going with his shadow clone army, healing and organising people. It was forty-four (now) minutes ago that he went 'Need anything else?' and we went 'No, I think we're good now' and he went 'Oh, great' and immediately collapsed." Haku shook his head. "Moron..."

"So fill us in." Hinata pressed, rolling her neck to work the kinks out. "What exactly happened?"

Sasuke nodded in agreement, focusing. The last thing he remembered was slumping against Itachi and-

His jaw dropped. "Oh, _FUCK_ , Itachi's-"

"Alive." Haku shrugged. "You'll know more about that than me. Him, Neji, Killer B, Kakashi, Obito...Everyone's back. Naruto said you got Madara to use the Rinne Tensei, right?" They nodded, and he continued. "Well, everyone was pretty out of it for a while. Ninety thousand ninja all pulling themselves out of these big pods on massive tree roots, or waking up in various states of injury with memories of being murdered. Chaos reigned for a solid two hours. Oh, and Itachi was still on death's door from his Moon-sickness (at least, that's what he's calling it). But we were able to get him to Tsuande, and he had that book Neji had written for him, so he's stable now. In some other tent nearby."

Haku paused, during which time Sasuke shifted his legs out of bed and gently put them on the floor. That hurt, but he'd felt the _Susanno_ , so it was barely enough for him to notice. He slowly eased his full weight onto them, and Hinata (never to be outdone) started doing the same.

Haku moved into range to help them, continuing, "Eventually, we were able to get the Kage together, and with liberal application of shadow clones, we were able to get the army into some semblance of order. Suna was the closest hidden village that was still intact (RIP Konoha's infrastructure) so we all headed there. That was when we realised that it...wasn't as intact as we'd hoped."

They gave him questioning glances, and he winced. "The Tsukuyomi...it affected everyone _. Everywhere_. The roots of the Shinju tree have all broken down into so much mulch, but they left an absolute mess in their wake. And the more people, the more roots. Just about every global population centre has been torn to pieces. _All_ the property damage. All of it. All of the property has been damaged. The Allied Shinobi Forces have quickly been transformed into the Allied Shinobi Salvation forces, going around trying to organise the civilians and stop the inevitable crime wave that happened right after."

"Hehehe. ASS Forces." Sasuke found his laughter wasn't as genuine as he'd have liked. He began trying to stretch out his complaining muscles as he said "So everything's gone to shit, then? We're still not done?"

" _You_ are definitely done." Haku told him, firmly. "Firstly because if you try to put any more stress on your recovering bodies, I'm going to knock you right back unconscious. Second...wouldn't you say you guys have done enough?"

Sasuke and Hinata looked at each other. Smirked.

"Yeah, right." Hinata replied. "Don't go talking like we're OAPs."

"We're 17. That's _prime_ Shonen protagonist age." Sasuke finished. "Plus we're only just getting used to all these cool new superpowers we've gotten. I'm not gonna say 'we're only just getting started', because that would be far too cliche for me, but..." He paused.

"You can't think of an alternative can you?" Hinata asked him.

"Fuck off I killed a god like five minutes ago."

" _Thirty hours_ ago, that's hardly an excuse."

"Fine, five _waking_ minutes ago, and it's not like you've come up with a better-"

They were interrupted by the tent flap being flung open so fast that the ends of it caught fire.

"SASUKE!" shouted a voice, and Sasuke immediately let out an "OOF!" as a large form in black jumped through the air and tackled him onto the floor.

Haku and Hinata both tensed, then relaxed as Sasuke shouted "Itachi! Get off!" and squirmed ineffectually to try and get out of his older brother's grip.

"BROTHER!" Itachi squealed in delight. "IT IS I! BACK FROM THE DEAD! AND I BRING SNUGGLES!"

"CRAWL UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE!"

Haku facepalmed. "Itachi. Glad to see your record of being the pushiest visitor possible to my patients is still intact..."

"My apologies." Called a different voice. "In hindsight, I probably should have held off on telling him you were awake until you seemed ready." Walking at a much more sedate pace, Neji entered through the burning doorway and into the tent. While Itachi and Sasuke continued to grapple on the floor, Hinata stilled, and looked up at him.

"Cousin." She nodded.

"Cousin." He replied. "Glad to see you're doing well. It seems like you've done the impossible."

"First rule of being a ninja." She shrugged. "The universe does not care what you believe to be impossible."

He narrowed his eyes. "Where are you-" They lit up, "Oh, that's what I told you that one time. When I showed you I didn't have the caged bird seal."

"Oh. Well, yes." Hinata blinked.

"You remembered that?"

"Yes, of course I did. It was a dramatic moment. I assumed it was like a personal phrase of yours."

"Ah." Neji snickered. "That...No. I was ad-libbing, I just pulled the phrase out of my ass. Why, did you think it was important?"

"Are you _serious?_ " Hinata glowered. "I've been using it at key moments for the last four years!"

"It was a very cool thing to say." Itachi admitted, with his brother's arms around his neck.

"Itachi!" Haku snapped. "Get off my patient or I'll senbon both your asses!"

They laughed, and everyone relaxed a bit more.

Neji sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "I...was quite content with dying after a dramatic revelation of my true purpose. Itachi called it 'pulling a Darth Vader'. He also called me a massive coward for trying to avoid my problems in such a manner. And now it seems like I'm going to actually have to have that long conversation with you where I actually explain things properly."

"Oh, you are." Hinata nodded. "But...it doesn't have to be a hostile one. I've had years to prepare for a confrontation with my nemesis. But...It's been too long since I've been able to talk with my cousin."

Everyone was quiet for a moment (except for the crackling of flames, and the snores of Naruto). Then Itachi went "aaaaaaaawwwwww..." and ruined it completely.

"Uh, guys?" Haku held a hand up. "Not to interrupt, but do you mind if I start casting ice jutsu? Because Itachi set the door on fire and now the tent is burning down."

* * *

 _Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming,_

 _Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running,_

 _Didn't make sense not to live for fun,_

 _Your brain get's smart but your head get's dumb..._

* * *

 **Some days later**

The land of Iron was a hive of activity. It's position as a mid-point in the Ninja world meant that it was central to co-operative repair efforts, and for days now there had been constant traffic in and out of the city with food, building supplies, money, and most importantly _people_.

This was why, despite being as ravaged as the rest of the world by the roots of the God Tree, it was one of the quickest to repair and rebuild at least the basics of it's structures.

This was also why, despite the chaos, it was one of the first places to have a coffee shop up and running.

"Sorry it's so crowded." Haku apologised, walking back to the table and setting one drink down next to his date ( _date!_ ) and one for himself. "Somehow, this place seems to have a lot of traffic."

"Maybe because its the only one of it's kind in the city right now." Sai smiled, accepting his drink. "(Thank you). At least the only one with indoor seating. And I don't mind, really. I like the bustle. Reminds me how many other people there are in the world."

"Ooh, poetic." Haku leaned back, and blew on his drink. They were only fortunate that everyone else was so busy; the Mizukage drinking coffee with a ninja from Konoha might have drawn raised eyebrows on any other day. Here and now, they only got the occasional odd look. Maybe it was because Haku had left the hat in a sealing scroll, the diamond seal on his forehead the only big indicator of his identity.

"Crazy, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window to see people walking around in the streets. "Something out of a joke. Two massive armies fight a war, none of them die, and then the rest of the world (who hadn't even heard it was going on) wake up to find themselves crawling out of massive roots that grew straight through their living room."

"I heard they're thinking of updating the datekeeping system." Sai contributed. "Starting counting the years at 0 PIT, Post Infinite Tsukuyomi."

"That'd cause some upheaval." Haku snorted. "Still, now's as good a time as any for it." He sighed. "The economy's gonna go to hell from this."

"I didn't expect you to pay the economy much mind." Sai commented.

"I run a village now. I _have_ to care." Haku explained. "Sure, I'll be fine, but if I make the wrong choices then the entirety of Mist might fall apart without even needing to be attacked."

"Well, you fought Madara." Sai told him. "Compared to that, this should be a walk in the park."

"At least Madara was something I _could_ fight." Haku sipped his drink. "Still. I've sicced Mei on it, and she's all for more political power, so she's lapping the responsibilities up."

"You trust her with more political power?" Sai had a concerned look on his face. "What if she tries to overthrow you again?"

Haku thought about it, eyes drifting. "Well...She could, with enough village support. But she knows couldn't _kill_ me, I'd kick her ass five ways to Sunday now my seal's fully operational. And to be honest, I don't really _want_ the power of the position. I just don't want any clan massacres, like what happened to the rest of the Yuki. I don't want people to be murdering each other to graduate school." He sighed. "I wanted to be Mizukage because I don't want anyone else to end up like me, or master Zabuzza. Or...you."

He sat there for a few seconds, staring listlessly down into his cup, before he looked up and realised Sai was staring at him with a tilted head.

"Um." Haku coughed, and laughed nervously. "Sorry, here we are going on and on about _my_ life. What about you? What are your plans?"

Sai blinked, like he'd been taken off guard. "Well. Continue being a ninja, I suppose. I don't exactly have any other marketable skills. Work for Konoha. Attempt to salvage some semblance of a personality."

"Sai!" Haku exclaimed, in mock outrage. "You know I am very fond of your personality!"

"Well, yes." Sai admitted. "I built it just for you."

That brought Haku up short. From anyone else, it would have been a dry jab at the nature of being a ninja, the necessity of taking on new faces and personas to complete missions until it could be done like changing clothes. From Sai though...

"You mean that?" Haku asked, hesitantly.

"My position is a fairly unique one." Sai said, choosing his words carefully. "For the longest time, I was nobody. Which means that now, I get to _choose_ who I want to be."

"And? Who do you want to be?" Haku stared into his eyes.

Sai stared back. "Yours." He said, simply.

Haku forgot how to breathe for ten whole seconds. When his lungs started burning up, he rebooted, and leaned back with a gasp and a face as red as the moon had been that one time.

"When I'm-" He paused, thought gone. Let out another nervous laugh. "There's a, uh." He coughed. "At the summit, tonight. Each of the Kage get to bring two reps with them. Mei's coming, but the last time I met Chojuro I hit him in the back of the head with a chair. I know you're technically a Leaf ninja, but uh. Would you like to..?"

"Accompany you?" Sai tilted his head and smiled brightly. "I'd love to."

* * *

 _So much to do, so much to see,_

 _So what's wrong with taking the back streets?_

 _You'll never know if you don't go._

 _You'll never shine if you don't glow..._

* * *

The Fire Daimyo was _not_ a happy man.

In this situation, it would be very hard for any man to be happy, and as Izuku Ikkyu stepped out of his carriage into half a foot of snow (rising above and dribbling into his boots), his mood was cemented for the rest of the day. It only soured further when he was met by two masked member of Konoha's ANBU.

"Sir." One of them addressed him, with a title notably lower than what they would use for their Kage. "The lady Hokage awaits you inside. Please, follow us."

"Tsunade wreaks havoc across my country, and she does not even deign to meet me when I arrive?" Izuku sneered. "I trust she is using the time to prepare? She had best have an excellent explanation for all this."

"I couldn't say, sir." Said the other ANBU, in an infuriatingly emotionless tone, before repeating: "Please, follow us."

"Hmph. Very well."

He shivered, as a trickle of water soaked down into his socks, and followed them inside the recently constructed building.

There were times, when was feeling whimsical, that the Daimyo belatedly wished for Hiruzen back.

When Ikkyu had come into power, Hiruzen Sarutobi had been the long established Hokage of Konoha. 'The Professor' had treated the Daimyo with the respect he deserved; keeping him in the know, meeting him for dinner, explaining situations and making requests rather than demands. There had been peace and prosperity, and Ikkyu had been quite content with that.

And then he had died, and Tsunade had come to power. And in less than four years, there had been a war, the complete obliteration of Konoha, a discovery of a genjutsu placed on damn near everyone important...and then this. Whatever in Kami's name an 'Infinite Tsukuyomi' was.

While he had been caught in the dream the same as everyone else (including his own guards), so could at least understand _roughly_ what had happened, his contacts in Konoha had been _frustratingly_ tight-lipped. 'Still gathering information' they had said. Covering their own asses, more like.

Well, fixing that was what this whole event was about. All five Kage were present, as were the Daimyos of the five nations, and all other relevant personnel. They were here to negotiate what had happened, who was at fault...and who was going to _pay_ for all this.

That thought was disappointingly _not_ accompanied by a dramatic roll of thunder. It _was,_ however, accompanied by an orange figure practically crashing into him.

Ikkyu stumbled back a step as a blond teenager sprinted through a corridor that intersected his path at a T, going "Oop!" and briefly grabbing a fistful of the Daimyo's robes to steady himself before continuing on his run through the corridor.

The grapple, completely accidentally, shook loose the snow that had fallen from the sky and accumulated on Ikkyu's collar, resulting in a flash of cold as some of the snow fell down the back of his neck and started to melt between his shoulder blades.

One of his eyebrows twitched.

"You there!" He snapped at the blond menace. "What do you think you're doing!"

"And you tell Konohamaru that if I catch him pretending he invented _my_ sexy jutsu again then he can-Hm?" The blond turned around to look at Ikkyu. "Y'all say something?"

The two ANBU beside the fire Daimyo suddenly went very still, which Ikkyu didn't notice as he gave one of his best glares at the boy, briefly glancing up at his headband and recognising him as a Leaf shinobi. "What is your rank, ninja?"

"Hm? Oh, Chunin." The blond's expression went strange, as he looked down at himself and quietly said "Oh my god I'm still a chunin, how in the seven hells am I still a _chunin_ -"

"A Chunin?" Ikkyu scoffed, as he mentally designated the boy as 'unimportant enough to make an example of'. "Then surely you should be possessed of the great shinobi reflexes that would prevent you bowling into me like some drunkard in the street?"

One of the ANBU put their hand on his shoulder. "Sir, please, the Hokage is waiting-"

"Oh, shit, my bad man." The blond grinned stupidly, scratching the back of his head. "I can go faster, but I've been told I gotta stay slow enough for everyone to keep track of what I'm saying. And they said I couldn't fly cos it would freak people out."

 _Fly? What sort of stupid civilian does he think I am? Ninja can't_ fly!

Ikkyu brushed the ANBU's hand off his shoulder, replying "'Your Bad'? Do you have any idea who I am?"

The boy blinked. "Not in the slightest no. Wait wait wait!" He leaned in, even though he was at least three metres away. "Are you that one guy Konan wanted me to meet? Wait, no, that was probably Jiraiya now that I think about it. Oh, _that's_ why she wanted me to go to Rain-"

"I AM YOUR _DAIMYO_!" Ikkyu screeched.

" _Please,_ Sir, I assure you he isn't worth your time-" One of the ANBU tried again-

"Ooohhhh..." The boy nodded, slowly, clearly still not getting it. "Oh, no I know you! Dude, your wife's cat is an absolute _bastard_."

Ikkyu's fists clenched. "Arrest him!"

"Sir?" One ANBU asked.

"Arrest him!" He spat. "The Daimyo has the authority to demand the arrest of any ninja of Chunin rank or below without consultation with his Kage, unless you had both forgotten that?"

"Sir, I think there's been a misunderstanding." The other ANBU coughed. He pointed at the blond, who was stood there with a perfectly innocent look on his face. "That's Naruto Uzumaki."

Ikkyu frowned, quickly placing the name. " _This_ is the Nine-Tails host? And you let him wander around?" He scoffed. "Our Jinchurikki should possess _more_ control, not _less!_ I will not be made to refrain from righteous punishment for fear of his beast going on a rampage!"

"Hey!" Naruto said, sounding affronted. "Kurama doesn't _go_ on rampages unless he's being mind controlled, this was established like four arcs ago!" Then he paused and looked down. "Okay, he says he would rampage on _you_ specifically, but that's only because you're being 'a self righteous prick'. Uh, that's his words, not mine."

"...Arrest. Him." Ikkyu said, quietly.

"Sir." Said one ANBU, "I'd advise that you reconsider-"

"Oh would you?" The Daimyo rounded on the masked ninja. "Your place is not to advise, it is to _obey!_ Or have you forgotten that as well?" He noticed that they were beginning to attract stares from other passers by, but screw it, this was as good a time as any.

"I am your _Daimyo!_ " He snarled. "The supreme leader of Fire Country. Your village, and every ninja within it, is but one cog in a machine that _I_ control! Without me, you have no funding, no resources, no land, and no authority, and no fancy magic or fighting skills is enough to change that!" He pointed an accusing finger at Naruto. "So when I tell you to arrest an unruly member of your own armed forces? You. Will. Arrest. Him."

The ANBU looked at each other.

"I'm...afraid that's impossible, sir." One of them said, after a pause.

"And why on earth is that?" Ikkyu demanded.

The pair audibly sighed. Then they both reached up to remove their masks, revealing-

Ikkyu stumbled back a few steps, as _two more Naruto_ smiled sheepishly at him.

"Sorry. We're understaffed." One said, guiltily. "All the _real_ ANBU are off doing actually important stuff, but that left us without anyone to escort you, so-"

"Grandma Tsunade asked Naruto Prime to set clones on it." The other explained. "Or, well, she asked another clone to set clones on it." It pointed back to the first Naruto, who waved cheerfully. "He's the original. I'm a clone of a clone of a clone of him."

"What the..." Ikkyu had no idea what to say. The assortment of ninja watching the show, however, seemed to know just fine how to react, and that was to start laughing.

There were stomping footsteps from one of the corridors, and then the voice "Oh, Izuku. You're here. _Perfect..._ "

Tsunade Senju walked up with a scowl on her face. "Daimyo, with respect, quit fucking with my Jinchurikki. Naruto, I specifically told you to _not_ make trouble _until_ I asked you to."

"He started it!" Naruto shouted, petulantly.

"Tsunade, what the _hell_ is going on here." Ikkyu snarled at her. "Your pet Fox has the audacity to-"

"Buddy." Tsunade put one hand on his shoulder, glaring down at him. "Let's be clear here. Naruto could have ripped your balls off without provocation, and I'd still side with him on this."

"... _Why?_ " Ikkyu asked, hearing his own voice go up by a good octave and a half.

"One, because you're a massive pain in the ass." Tsunade told him. "You're like Danzo but without any of the brains or competence. Two, because he's the guy who's team just saved the whole goddamn planet. Because he's probably the most powerful being in this dimension at the moment, and if he wanted to he could kill you, me, and everyone else in this city without breaking a sweat. And because even without all that, he's worth a _thousand_ of you."

She let go of him with a shove, and sighed. "Kami, I need more Sake...tweedle dum and dee, take our _esteemed_ Daimyo into the conference room."

"Yes Ma'am!" The clones saluted her, and each took one of Ikkyu's arms.

"And as for _YOU-_ " Tsunade turned on the original Naruto, who let out a quiet "Eep!" of fear.

The Fire Daimyo watched as Tsunade began to verbally tear the boy to shreds, and just allowed himself to be escorted out of the room.

* * *

 **So at first I thought that there were only gonna be two epilogues needed, but comparing the number of segments I got planned against what I've done here...Yeah we might still be here for a few more weeks.**

 **Now, I reckon it's high time I explained a few decisions I made in this and last chapter. Specifically, the bit where I made everyone important not die. (Important note: I'm sure as hell not a professional writer, but I've watched Overly Sarcastic Productions' youtube videos, so I'm basically an expert.)**

 **Character death can happen for many reasons, but in this fic it had two main purposes: Aid character arcs, and build threat.**

 **Neji's dying was important to Hinata's character arc, as was Itachi's to Sasuke's. But when it comes to the second part, things get harder. Convincing your audience that your main characters are genuinely at risk of death in a battle is really hard, because it almost never actually happens (except in genres like horror and grimdark, which this clearly isn't.) However, it's incredibly important, because if there's no tension in the battle, the payoff of the heroes succeeding is nowhere near as great.**

 **There are lots of ways around it. Perhaps the simplest is that if you're good enough at writing, the readers will be too engrossed to take a step back and go 'It's fine, he's not _really_ going to let them lose.' Let me know if I hit that one.**

 **Another is that they _might_ lose, but then survive and try again. Infinity War style. But this only works in earlier conflicts, not the big final battle. When the whole world's at stake, they basically _can't_ lose, because you can't come back from that. Same with the Infinite Tsukuyomi.**

 **Another is fringe losses, AKA the characters get a C for completing the mission rather than an S. If I make Nagato brutalise Killer B at the start of his fight, the readers go 'oh, shit, he's not messing around. Sure, they're going to win, but at what cost? What if more characters get mutilated or killed in the success?' Hence, tension. This is how Avengers Endgame worked; we were terrified that at any given moment, any one of our core six avengers might die.**

 **This is what I was trying to fearmonger during the Madara battle, when I was swinging everyone on the brink of hopelessness the whole time. That they would beat Madara, but one of them might have to die to accomplish it.**

 **And so, when all's said and done, when the battle is over, and the character arcs are completed...what's to stop me bringing them all back?**

 **Once you allow for Resurrection in your story, even in a limited way, you are immediately putting an upper bound on the maximum tension that the situation can have. Any of you seen Supernatural? They die every other Tuesday. Nobody watching gives a shit if Sam or Dean get shot, it's an inconvenience at worst at this point. No-one was worried that Naruto and Sasuke would die when Naruto had his bijuu extracted, because Tsunade and Orochimaru were both on standby to bring them back. And if I'd planned any conflicts after this point, I'd be setting the precedent that I'm _willing_ to bring back anyone who died, which would make you skeptical of any future deaths. **

**Sadly, Kishimoto already did all of this with Gaara and the Pain attack. Crap.**

 **But unless I make a sequel (more on that in later ANs), this is the end, so by this point there's no real problem. In the end, the worst result is a sort of dissatisfied feeling in the reader's gut. Instead of suffering at the death and exultation at the Resurrection, they get the suffering, and then a sort of...'oh.' Like they've been cheated of their emotional investment. Feel free to let me know where you were on that spectrum, I'm always looking to improve.**

 **When all's said and done, it was really more of a thematic decision. One I set in stone as early as the first arc when I kept Haku alive. I'm writing a fanfiction, goddamit; I've made these characters interact for 300,000 words, I want them to be _happy._**

 **And hey, if you want them to stay dead, just headcanon them as doing so. Not like any of this is canon anyway...**


	94. Epilogue II: Bond

**To be clear I absolutely did the maths on a Hinata propelled space flight. Assuming we spend the first half of the journey accelerating at 50ms^-2 (~5 Gs, roughly the highest a slightly-above-average durability human could be expected to withstand for extended periods), and then the second half decelerating at that same rate (this should be the fastest travel time from rest to rest between two points), we can do a basic SUVAT and calculate that it would take about 5500 seconds (~92 minutes) to travel from the moon to the Earth, reaching a maximum speed of ~140,000m/s or 313,000 mph in the middle. For reference, the moon landing journey in our world took three days and they only hit a top speed of about 900 m/s.**

 **This calculation doesn't take into account the moon's orbital speed (which we'd also have to cancel out to be stationary relative to the earth's surface), but that's only about 1,000 m/s so would only take 20 seconds or so to deal with using our model.**

 **Much more worrying is the fact that flight in Naruto seems to just produce force out of nowhere and thus violate Newton's third law, which basically states that you can't yeet yourself forward without yeeting something back. Pain's 'universal pull/push' would actually be alright here, since the vector forces cancel, but all the other telekinetic feats in the show wouldn't.**

 **Unless, of course, Hinata is actually exerting a tiny pulling/pushing force on the Earth itself to pull herself towards it, like with a really big magic grappling hook (This is how Because Science justified Leia flying towards her ship in Star Wars VIII). Or, if Hinata's actually exerting the force into a different dimension somehow. Like every time she pulls something _left_ , Limbo or wherever experiences a force _right_. I actually have this theory that in Pokemon, the Distortion World fulfills this job for all the ridiculous pokemon moves that pull water or psychic force out of nowhere; that's why everything in the place is floating weirdly and it has lots of weird vanishing lakes, rocks, and plants.**

 ***sigh***

 **This would be the saddest thing I've done today, had I not spent the rest of said day writing Naruto fanfiction.**

* * *

 **Epilogue II: Bond**

* * *

For the first time in ten years, Hanabi's feet touched down on the planet where she'd been born.

Her immediate response to this had been to kick off her sandals, so when her bare feet landed on the ground of the forest, she was able to _really_ curl her toes into it.

She closed her eyes and sighed happily, feeling the dew of the grass on her soles, the morning sun dappled through the surrounding trees and warming her face. A quick breath in revealed that the air was wonderfully fresh (with, admittedly, a little scent of ozone coming in from behind her).

Sure, the moon had ecosystems just like this one, but...something about this being her own Earth made it feel so much more _real_.

...Toneri would have said that that was the placebo effect, but he always tended to spoil moments like this with philosophy talk.

She turned around to look at him, being held unceremoniously aloft by one of Hinata's opal arms. Just as unceremoniously, she dropped him, leaving him to stumble a little on the grass before she cut out her own levitation and landed.

"This is unfair." Toneri pouted, giving Hinata a weak glare. "Your sister gets the bridal carry through space and I get dragged along by Wall-E."

"Weak reference." Hanabi pointed out, giggling.

"Well, remember that one time you blew a hole through my chest?" Hinata told him, as her wings and extra limb blew away in a light breeze.

"You got _better_." Toneri pointed out. "And from what you said during the trip, I'm only one out of five or so people who've done so."

"Which is why your punishment is always being the butt of the joke." Hinata told him, simply, resealing the heavy apparatus she'd been carrying. "Rather than, I don't know, going to prison."

"Grr...fine."

The one thing that Toneri hadn't considered, when offering up the Tenseigan, was that it was also powering the space-time corridor that linked the moon to it's planet. It hadn't taken them long after the moon had stopped glowing to realise that they were both effectively stranded there. Fortunately, Hinata could fly, but that had only raised issues like 'keeping the acceleration low enough that your squishy sister isn't liquidised' and 'how to travel through a vacuum when you're not going fast enough to cover the distance in half a minute'.

The result had been eighty kilograms of breathing equipment and a two hour spaceflight, made significantly less ethereally beautiful by the cumbersome face masks they'd had to wear for the entire period. Fortunately for the ensuing boredom, Hinata was able to communicate via genjutsu. And she had a _lot_ of stories to tell.

"Trust me, you'll love it." She reassured Hanabi, checking that they were both reacclimatised to standard planetary gravity before taking off at a walk through the forest. "The Hyuuga compound is hardly a castle like you're used to _,_ but it's still one of the biggest in Konoha. Uh, at least, it _was_ before Pain trashed the place, and we barely started recovering from that before the Tsukuyomi ruined everything again. But we still own the land, and I'm pretty sure I can just demand whatever I want as payment for saving the world."

"Oh, I'm _super_ excited." Hanabi skipped after her. "I can hardly remember anything about the time before I went up!"

"Oh yeah, you spent all your formative years on the moon with exactly one person for company." Hinata winced. "We're going to need to put you on a life experience crash course...speaking of that one person." she turned to Toneri, "I'm going to be honest, I have absolutely no idea what to do with you."

"Understandable." Toneri mused. "I don't really want to be a _ninja._ I think we've established I'm not very good at it, seeing as you beat me when I was ten times more powerful than you."

"Eh." Hinata wiggled a hand. "Five times."

"Eight times."

"Why are you arguing _up?_ That just makes you seem more pathetic."

"I-Oh, shut it." He sighed, and Hanabi laughed. "Well...I suppose I might become a scholar? There's a lot of my history I can provide, and I'm curious to see what yours has been like. Up close, rather than through a puppet or a big ruddy telescope."

"Oh _that's_ why you brought all those books." Hinata 'hmm'ed, thinking about it. "That could work, actually. 'Course in our world we call them professors, and they need PhDs to be qualified."

"What's a PhD?"

"...Okay, we have a _lot_ of catching up to do. I'll tell Naruto, explaining civilisation to an alien is the sort of thing he'd _love_." She glanced up. "Oh, right. Incoming, by the way."

Hanabi gasped, and moved up to grab Hinata's hand. "I get to meet your friends?"

"Sorta." Hinata chuckled. "Actually, you've met these two before."

There was a wrustle, and two figures emerged from the trees in front of them.

Toneri screeched, and jumped backwards about three metres.

"Well well well." Itachi Uchiha crossed his arms. "If it isn't the childminder."

"In all honestly, we probably shouldn't have promised him five ryo an hour if we were going to leave Hanabi there for a whole decade." Neji added, before crouching down and smiling. "Hi there, cousin. It's been a long time."

"NEJI!" Hanabi sprinted forwards, crashing into him.

"Do you two go _anywhere_ seperately?" Hinata asked, sighing, as Itachi also began to fawn over Hanabi.

"Uh, no?" Itachi scoffed. "Last time I let him do something on his own you _killed_ him. By the way, what took you so long?"

"Had to give these two first class seats on Air Hinata to bring them home." She explained.

"Oh. Why didn't you just reverse-summon them to the Angel Mountains and fly them from there?"

"Because-" Hinata stopped. Narrowed her eyes. "Oh, son of a _bitch_!"

Toneri, meanwhile, was hiding behind a tree. " _Hinata._ " He whispered, frantically. " _Keep them away from me._ "

"Aww, why's that boo?" Itachi winked at him. "Any reason you're afraid of us? We don't bite." His eyes widened. "Unless you did something you think would make us bite. Did you do something? What did you do?"

"Hanabi." Neji took her by the shoulders. "Did Toneri ever do anything bad to you?"

She frowned, thinking about it. "This one time I asked to stay up later on my birthday and he said no."

Both of the duo immediately stood up, and turned on Toneri with blank faces.

" _Death_." They intoned, in unison.

Toneri shrieked.

"Oh my lord you two are so married-" Hinata groaned, as Hanabi started laughing. "Cousin, cousin's husband, please stop bullying Toneri he gets enough of that from me. Come on, I'd like to get to Konoha _today_ if at all possible."

"Hmph." Neji exchanged glances with Itachi. "Hanabi? What do you think? Should we show mercy?"

"Hmm..." Hanabi thought about it. Then she got a positively evil grin on her face and looked up at Hinata. "Well. _Toneri says_ that you shouldn't just let people get away with things."

"Oh well in that case-" Hinata held up a first and started striding towards him-

"No come on are we _still_ doing that-"

Hanabi laughed again, as her sister started to chase her brother across the forest while her cousins shouted encouragement.

All in all, she was just glad that she would be returning to Konoha with a _real_ family in tow.

* * *

 _Hey now, you're an All Star,_

 _get your game on, go, play,_

 _Hey now, you're a Rockstar,_

 _Get your show on, get, paid..._

* * *

"AAIGHT, SLUTS! MEETING IS IN FUCKING _SESSION!_ "

There was a long silence.

"Naruto." Gaara stated, calmly. "We were all already listening. You didn't need to-"

"GAARA YOU'RE NOT EXCITED ENOUGH!" Naruto hollered. "B, back me up!"

Killer B coughed. "The little sand kid does have a-"

"Kurama, back me up!"

" **Hell yeah, what Naruto said!** " Kurama put his fist out, and Naruto bumped it.

There were titters from the other Bijuu present.

Nine Bijuu, two ex-jinchurikki and one current jinchurikki were absolutely _vibing_ in an empty plane some distance out of Konoha. It was an area that had been obliterated by some explosion or another during the war, and Naruto had been trying to use his new demigod powers to make some plants regrow. He'd managed, uh...two bushes, a sapling, and some grass. Hashirama had been cheating, clearly. Of course, Naruto knew he could do more, but that would require...

"Okay, so, for real." He sat down. "Just to open the meeting up: Thanks for the shards of chakra, guys. You saved my life. Did you know it was going to do that?"

" **We knew jack shit.** " Son Goku chuckled, before looking up at Kurama. " **But when you're on the verge of getting eaten and your big brother says he has a plan, you listen to him.** "

" **Is that some genuine familial respect creeping in there, Goku-san~?** " Kurama rested his head on his claws and looked over, smugly.

" **Fuck off, garbage-diver.** "

" **Hah!** " Kurama looked down at the three humans, in the middle of the large gathering of beasts. " **Yeah, I knew what was up. Pops told me in his later days, probably thought giving me some responsibility would help me mature a little."** He sighed. **"** **I know it might be hard to believe, but I was a pretty wild teenager.** "

"You?" Naruto put a hand to his chest as the Bijuu laughed. "Never!"

" **Yes, it's true.** " Kurama chuckled, before his expression hardened somewhat. " **The Shinju tree...it doesn't belong here. We're fragments of a parasite. Ordinary sage mode is balanced, natural. It draws on the sage chakra floating about the place. What the Tree does...what the Ten-Tails and its Jinchurikki can do...it _rips_ the natural energy out of the world. Six-Paths Sage Mode is ungodly powerful, yes. An order of magnitude stronger than regular Sage mode, with flight and regeneration thrown in. But it's not good for the world around you. There's a reason you're having trouble growing new stuff, Naruto; this battlefield's gonna be a lifeless wasteland for a while, it's completely devoid of all natural energy. Pops could have lived for who knows how long if he'd been willing to tap it more often...**"

"The dark side is a pathway to many abilities some consider unnatural." Killer B nodded.

Naruto hi-fived him, before asking, "But you trusted me with it?"

" **None of us had much of a choice.** " Shukaku snorted. " **That Uchiha prick was gonna steamroll you all.** "

Gyuki spoke up, stressing " **But we _did_ believe in you, Naruto. If anyone is an inheritor to the Sage's legacy, it's you.**"

"Aww, you guys..." Naruto blushed.

"You have no idea how to take a genuine compliment, do you?" Gaara asked.

"Absolutely not, no." Naruto clapped his hands. "But that leads nicely on to why we're here." He turned, looking at each of the Bijuu in turn. "Kurama jumped right back into me when we did Madara in. Foxy, I take it you're still cool with hanging out in mah belleh?"

" **Please don't ever call your stomach that again.** " Shukaku retched.

" **Yup.** " Kurama answered Naruto. " **Way I see it, all the fun stuff's happening to you. I'm sticking around. Plus without any seal I can just leave whenever.** "

"Okay, dope. But the question becomes...what do we do about the rest of you?"

" **What do you mean 'do about us'?** " Matatabi hissed warningly.

"Dude chill." Naruto sighed. "What I'm saying is, this is the first time in a long time you're all free of any Jinchurikki. You can do whatever you want. Go sod off live in the woods, get a job, cultivate real estate, whatever. It's just, uh..."

" **We might get sealed again.** " Gyuki spoke up, quietly.

Several of the Bijuu shuddered.

"Jinchurikki are stronger than their Bijuu." Naruto explained. "And all nine Jinchurikki got beaten in combat sometime in the last couple months. Sure, we took the Akatsuki down, but I'm not sure what people might do if they find out you're all suddenly on the menu. The Third Raikage was able to tousle with Gyuki on his own in a straight fight, but the best asset of us ninja is the ability to _plan_. Give a team of Jonin and a sealing expert the mission to get a hold of one of you..."

" **I'm not going through all this just to get stuck inside someone again.** " Chomei muttered, darkly.

" **I vote do whatever's safe.** " Isobu waved a tentacle.

" **Pussy**." Matatabi chuckled at him.

" **Pussy**." Kokuo shot at her.

" **Oh, very funny.** "

"We can offer you protection in Konoha." Naruto held up a hand. "Not sure what the other villages would think about us hoarding all the Bijuu on our lands, but we already have, like, fifteen of the top twenty strongest ninja working for us. And _all_ the top 5. So there's not much they could do about it."

"Suna would be willing to accept and protect any Bijuu who desired to reside in its lands." Gaara offered, only sounding a little desperate.

"Or that." Naruto nodded towards him. "And I bet Haku would be willing as well, so that's three. I don't trust Stone, though. Their Kage's weird. No innocent man has a beard that long..." He looked down and muttered "Long beard hides lots of secrets..."

" **Any promise you could make would little.** " Matatabi huffed. " **Humans are born and die at a ridiculous rate. A mere century could pass, and who knows what policy your successor would decide on.** "

"I'm afraid that's gonna be a constant problem for all of us, hot stuff." Killer B sighed. "Mere mortals are mere mortals. Besides, if Leaf can't even keep track of their boss' wife's _cat_ , I don't know how any of us are gonna keep you safe without assigning you personal guards or something."

"Yeah, they really should put a tracker on Torah or something...Ooh, that's an idea, we could give you all a radio?" Naruto suggested. "Like...like on a collar or something. Like it's got a big button you could push and it connects you to 'the Bijuu squad' and then you can be all 'hey team, getting attacked by ninja here! Send help!' And then I send like one shadow clone and fix the problem."

" **...That's a terrible idea.** " Shukaku deadpanned.

"Not terrible, but it could use some work." Gaara mused. "Your Yamanaka clan can use their telepathy to contact people over long ranges, I believe certain clans from other villages can do something similar. Maybe use that?"

Kurama perked up. " **Hold on a second...that might work. Not the radio thing, that was dumb.** "

"Hey!"

The Fox focused on Naruto, ignoring his indignant shout. " **During the war, we were able to communicate telepathically, through a chakra link.** "

Naruto frowned. "Well yeah, linking chakra is fine and all in a battle. But over long-ass periods and long-ass distances? Maybe if I kept sending shadow clones out to hang around nearby, but if I was gonna do that anyway I could just have the clones watch you."

" **Unless there was a way to keep our chakra with you despite all kinds of barriers.** " Kurama hinted. " **Like us being...not even in the same place.** "

Naruto blinked. Narrowed his eyes. Then they widened, "You want me to use the _Reaper Death Seal_ to split you in-"

" **NO!** " Kurama shot that down with a swipe of his paw. " **Kami, kid, that wasn't what I meant. Not fucking going through that shit again...eugh. I'm saying, we could do the same sorta thing we did versus Madara.** " He tapped his own breast. " **Put a little bit of us-** " tapped Naruto's forehead. " **-In you.** "

B snorted. "Wait, so like. 'Nine Bijuu stick themselves into teenage blond'?"

"1080p HD." Gaara added, not missing a beat.

"Oh fuck off, you two!" Naruto flipped them off, not looking back. "For real? That's a pretty permanent investment, Kurama."

" **Well, I'm already 'all in'. It'd be up to the rest of these gits.** " The Fox looked over at his siblings. Some of them were looking nervous.

" **Separate off a little chunk of ourselves?** " Son Goku grimaced. " **Sounds...nasty.** "

"It wouldn't have to be much." Naruto said, not to anyone in particular. His eyes had gone unfocused and he was twirling chakra between his fingers. "Kurama gimme a little-" he reached out and snagged a tuft of his Bijuu's fur, eliciting an annoyed yelp, and started to scrutinise it as it glowed red. "Yeah, just a small shard of your chakra bonded to my system. We could transfer energy from me to you, you to me, and we could talk through it too. If everyone did it we could get full-on Bijuu skype calls up in my mindscape from basically anywhere..." he paused, and looked up. "Uh, sorry. Yin-Yang release. I'm just sort of feeling my way through it here."

" **So long as you don't go feeling through chakra problems with _Samehada_ , I'm down.**" Shukaku spoke up. " **Hagoromo had a tendency to poke us with her when he thought something was wrong, the ass...and I'm staying in the desert. I'm not pulling out my sand powers in mountains or swamps, what kind of fashion disaster would that be?** "

"Also you'd be weaker?" Gaara offered.

" **Oh no I wouldn't. It's entirely for the aesthetic.** "

"Oh, okay."

Chomei raised a hand. **"I do get a sense that this is the 'true meaning of strength, bring us all together' thing that Dad was talking about. Obviously not this exact thing, but come on, thematically it's perfect.** "

" **I have kinda missed being able to contact you all.** " Matatabi mumbled. " **We haven't really been able to catch up much in the last few thousand years and this would be really convenient...** "

There was muttering from around the circle, and one by one, the Bijuu agreed.

" **I will do it.** " Gyuki said, last of the eight. " **But...I would like to return to B's body, if he would have me.** "

"Gyuki?" B asked, looking up at the hentai cow. "Are you sure?"

" **I am.** " Gyuki nodded. " **You are my partner, B. I've said it before.** "

There was real surprise on B's face. "I know, I just assumed-"

" **That I would still abandon you if given the chance?** " The Ox chuckled. " **I'm not a hypocrite, B. I told you. We tight.** "

"We..." B sniffed. "F-Fuck yeah dude, we sure are."

" **Aww...** " Kurama swooned. " **Well done bro! You've been institutionalised.** "

"Hah! Well dope, lemme know if you need some Ninja Jesus powers to get it working." Naruto gave them a thumbs up, then leaned over to Gaara. "Uh, do you and Shukaku wanna...?"

" _ **Nope.**_ " Said Gaara and Shukaku simultaneously, very quickly.

"I don't hate him," Gaara extrapolated, "but he did sorta ruin my childhood and he's made it clear he's very much sick of being stuck in people."

" **Also if I have to watch you and the pink haired girl have sex anymore I'm going to go on a rampage.** " Shukaku added.

Gaara almost did something that might have been a blush. "Right. And that."

"...So...ignoring that..." Naruto clapped his hands, then wrung out his fingers. "Shall we get this party started or what?"

It wasn't actually much work to take fragments of the Bijuu's chakra. A handful of sand from Shukaku, a fragment of coral from Isobu, Matatabi literally coughed up a hairball for him (because for some reason the Bijuu with no screentime somehow had like the third most personality).

His bullshit Yin-Yang powers made it a cinch to get a hold of all of the eight fragments, break them down into their basic forms, check they were still linked to the original, and then link them into his own chakra system, setting aside a few of his chakra points for the job and rerouting everything else. He also noticed some internal inefficiencies while he was at it, and reworked those. And of course, sat central in his network was Kurama, a bright red glow of power practically indistinguishable from his own.

He then sighed, and took a quick peek inside his own head.

 _...Whoa._

Naruto's mindscape had never looked more fabulous than it did at that moment. This was mainly due to the fact that everyone who'd shown up had customised their own bit to look like whatever they wanted, resulting in a tableau of different colours, landscapes, and genres.

 ** _You can't just let them do that!_ **Kurama thought at him.

 _Why not?_ Naruto thought back, smugly.

The Fox didn't have an answer, and started sulking again.

Sure, it might have seemed dumb to let his guests have their way with his own head, but he had always been more of an outside person. 'Sides, he was 17. Committing to any one mindset at this point just felt stupid.

Speaking of poorly thought out segues, he went back outside and coughed. "Okay. So I have no idea if that worked or not," he absolutely knew it had, "So can we get a mic test as it were?"

 ** _Oh my god this is working!_**

 ** _Shukaku get your desert out of my swarm!_**

 ** _Oh my god I can see your house from here!_**

 ** _Okay we're going to have to set ground rules about moving to each other's spaces because-_**

 ** _Hey does anyone mind if I put the radio on?_**

 ** _Gyuki why the hell do you have buildings in your mindscape you're a goddamn Ox-_**

 ** _WHO CAN MAKE A SUNRISE-_**

"Uh, Naruto?" B asked, tilting his head. "You okay?"

Naruto winced, as they shouting between his ears continued. "I, uh. May be noticing some unintended consequences of this decision."

 ** _YOUR MUSIC TASTE IS AS TRASHY AS YOUR FUR!_**

 ** _NU ARE VI HR MED!_**

 ** _CARAMELLADANSEN!_**

* * *

 _And all that glitters is gold..._

 _Only shooting stars break the mold..._

* * *

"This seems...highly unsanitary." The woman sniffed, looking dubiously at what she was being offered.

"Ma'am, please." Karin tried her hardest not to yawn. She pushed her arm more pointedly towards the woman. "It's fine."

"But what if you have diseases?" The lady wrinkled her nose up. "I know you ninja types go all sorts of weird places-"

"I promise you, there's no way I have moon sickness." Karin sighed. "I've never gone there and I haven't even been near Itachi or Neji, plus we're pretty sure it wasn't even infectious-"

" _Moon sickness?_ " The woman made a horrified face.

 _Crap_. "Don't worry about it." Karin stressed. "Trust me, I've been cleaned thoroughly before we started and between each patient, and even when I did this in a disgusting military hospital the patients were fine."

The words didn't seem to be helping her.

"Ma'am." Karin stressed, again. "You are bleeding."

"But-but what if our bloods types are incompatible?"

" _What?_ "

"I mean, I don't think it'd sanitary to go licking other people's DNA-"

A dark shadow loomed over Karin's shoulder, a shadow promising death and doom and suffering and fear.

"Ma'am." Said a low, dangerous voice. "You have a hole in your stomach. A very small hole. You were briefly entrapped by a being with power beyond your comprehension and you survived with a - _minor_ \- Injury. Which is why you are not being treated by the already overworked ninja medics."

The dark force drew closer, up to the point where it was looming over Karin's shoulder. She felt her heart rate quicken.

"But this does not." The voice stressed. "Mean the person who is currently helping you is any less valuable than those doctors. Karin is a significantly more important individual than you are. Do not waste her time any further. Bite the arm."

The woman gulped, and tentatively took hold of Karin's hand.

She found a part free of other tooth marks and bit down. Initially that was too feeble an attempt to break the skin, but when the dark presence intensified she let out a squeak and bit harder.

Karin, more than used to the treatment, didn't wince. Just tried to quell her beating heart as the dark presence receded from behind her.

The woman started to glow a healthy green and backed up, marvelling at herself for a moment before quickly scarpering.

Karin sighed, and turned around.

"Did you have to do that?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sasuke Uchiha shrugged, smirking and letting the killing intent flick off entirely. "I mean, a little. She _was_ wasting your time."

"And you're wasting yours." Karin replied, pointedly. "You've got a limited supply of chakra. Aren't you supposed to be using num-nums on the people who are, like, missing three of their limbs?"

"As I now technically have a summoning contact with the King of Hell, I have to ask you to not call him 'num-nums'." Sasuke rolled his eyes, but when they finished rolling they had gone purple. "Also, I'm here to fix you up. Get Vored."

"I'll stop calling him num-nums if you stop saying the word 'Vore' every time I have to use him?"

"No deal."

"Ugh..."

Despite her complaints, when the King rose up from the ground she didn't hesitate to step inside its mouth. It was far from her first time doing so. Still, the feeling was weird. The jaws closed around her, there was a brief moment of disconcertion wherein she couldn't _quite_ feel where her body was-

Then the jaws opened again, and all her aches and pains were gone.

"Doesn't it kinda feel like cheating?" She asked Sasuke, stepping out. "I let a few dozen people bite me, they heal super fast, then when I'm on the verge of some serious damage you heal me for free and I go back out there. Infinite healing. It's like a game exploit."

Sasuke chuckled. "This has got nothing on some of the other plans I thought up."

"Which are?"

"How about: Give someone the Rinnegan, have them use the Rinne Tensei powered up by Naruto's help to Rez a hundred people or so. Then when they die, pop the eyes in someone else, do the same thing. Rinse and repeat, infinite ressurections, nobody dies to anything except old age."

Karin blinked and thought about it. "Would that...work?"

"I have literally no idea, but I'm a little worried that if we tried it the Reaper himself might show up and put us in time-out." Sasuke turned on his heel and gestured for her to follow him. "Come with me a sec, please, I'd like to have a chat. Uh, if that's okay."

That little statement brought home a fact that hadn't really registered in her tired brain yet.

 _Oh my god Sasuke Uchiha wants to talk to me-_

"But-But I'm still working!" Karin stumbled after him. "You just fixed me up, how-"

"You've been working for eight hours now, with two twenty minute snack breaks." Sasuke told her, frankly, "And you're not Naruto Uzumaki. Even if your body's healed, you've got to be physically and mentally exhausted." He glanced back at her. "Take a break. You deserve one."

 _Holy shit, there's a little smile on his face and he looks genuinely concerned oh my god-_

"Right. Yeah. Got it. Break." She fell into step beside him, blushing furiously. "So...where are we going?"

"Hm? Oh, well, I was just gonna go get a drink and a snack, I've been busy too." He replied, somewhat awkwardly. "I just wondered if you wanted to come too?"

Karin's face was now approximately the same colour as her hair, which was a pretty damn impressive thing for it to do. "I...What?"

"Karin Uzumaki." He reiterated, seemingly unwilling to look at her. "Would you like to get lunch with me?"

Her brain might have actually stopped for a moment.

Banter she could handle. Banter happened on missions all the time, banter was comfortable. This was...this was a _date_ , right?

She heard him break out coughing, and that was when she realised she'd said that last bit out loud.

"Oh my god." She panicked. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, no, you're good." Sasuke recovered, clearing his throat. "And, uh, yeah. Yeah, basically."

"Really?"

"Really."

She instantly made as if to dispel a genjutsu, briefly worried if that would come across as disrespectful, then did it anyway. But no, she was clean. Which just left her wondering...

"Why?"

"You know what? That is a _really_ good question." Sasuke forced his hands down to his sides (she noticed only now that beforehand, they had been crossed in front of him defensively). "It's...have either Naruto or Hinata told you that I'm, uh-"

"Gay?" Karin's brain autofilled.

"For the love of- _NO_ , I-" he sighed. "Is that really the vibe I give off?"

She looked pointedly down to how one of his hands had comfortably rested on his own hip. "...Kinda?"

"...Well, good to know, I suppose." Now he just looked resigned. "But no, it's just that I have the sex drive of a particularly unobtrusive rock that's had the misfortune to see Tsuchikage Onoki getting pegged by...okay I was looking for an example of an unattractive female and I literally _couldn't_ think of one, why is every woman we meet so hot? But you get my point."

"No no yeah, the image was graphic enough as it was." Karin shuddered a little. "So...you don't want to..."

"Do the fric-frac-paddy-wack with you, no."

"Well why then do you want to take-" she stumbled over the words, "take me out on a date?"

"Because-" he sighed. "Fuck, I'm bad at this. I'm good at insulting people, I could insult you, that's easy, everything else is _hard_...look. I know quite a few people. I have authority figures I'm expected to obey without question. I have family members who've been manipulating me for a decade. I have teammates who I would fight and die for, and I love them so much it's scary. It's also not... _healthy_. Very little in my life is."

He looked across at her. "What I have never had, which I feel like I've really missed out on, is a normal, honest-to-god relationship with someone."

"And you want that...to be me?" Karin clarified, heart racing a mile a minute.

Sasuke paused. "...Well I mean I didn't think to ask Kankuro yet so I was gonna-"

Karin punched him in the shoulder. She didn't even think about it, and she immediately had the irrational thought that he was just going to kill her for it, but instead he laughed and staggered sideways with the hit.

"Yes." He specified. "You. If...that's okay."

Karin gave a small laugh, and the smiled. "Yes. Yes, that'd be absolutely amazing."

In the boldest move she'd ever even considered ( _oh fuck it, we all almost died the other night_ ) she reached out and took his hand.

He tensed, but after a moment, relaxed again, leaving his fingers intertwined with hers.

...

"But does this mean I'm not gonna get to see you naked?"

"Eh, bide your time, we'll see."

"Cos even if you're not into it you could always set a shadow clone to-"

"Yeah, and I can do some pretty weird shit with genjutsu, too."

"Okay, I do not think I'm going to have a problem with this _at all_."

* * *

 **So I'm aware that my characterisation for Hanabi is a lot more childlike than an actual 13 (i think?) year old normally would be. I was channeling a lot of my early Emily Kaldwin into her ( _go read my Dishonoured fic, it's kinda like this-)._ All I can say is that she's been stuck on the moon with exactly one awkward ypung man to talk to. I think some stunted emotional devellopment is the _least_ of her problems.**

 **Naruto's position as Jinchurikki comm tower is established, as is Sasuke's relationship moving forwards, and-**

 **Okay, cards on the table. I never really planned a romantic subplot for Sasuke. I mean, have you seen this guy in canon? The most impressive genjutsu he ever pulled was convincing Sakura he loved her more than he loved Naruto. And the guy never looked horny for anything _once_.**

 **I mean if you ship SasuSaku or whatever it's called, feel free. Same for everything else. This is fanfiction, we respect all ships here. Especially the kinky ones. This was just my interpretation.**

 **Sasuke's willing to try for a romance with Karin for the same reason plenty of teenagers do; he just wants to try it out. It might go somewhere, might not. Kid's 17, for goodness sake; odds of you meeting your soulmate at that age are pretty slim.**

 **Unless you're the main character. Then they hand you the perfect waifu on a plate at age 12.**

 **Next chapter: The epilogue continues. Fuck, there's quite a few of these.**


	95. Epilogue III: Together

**Epilogue III: Together**

* * *

Quiet was a hard thing to find, in the first few weeks after the Infinite Tsukuyomi.

As you might be able to expect the world spent that period in utter chaos, and activity continued day and night as everyone tried to piece their lives together. Construction, co-ordination, communication, constant noise.

Yet, if you walked just a few miles out of Konoha, to an area tucked out of the way behind a mountain and far from any common routes in and out of the city, then you would find yourself in a small forest glade. It wasn't marked in any way, but the lines of granite headstones stretching throughout the grass made it's purpose quite clear.

Konohagakure's Shinobi Cemetary was notably different to the great tombs of the powerful ninja clans, or the entire gardens dedicated to the single gravestones of past Hokage. It was here that one could find the grave of Sarutobi Hiruzen, if one looked. A simple thing; a stone cuboid bearing his name, dates of birth and death, and a philosophical quote that could be interpreted as a sex joke if you squinted. That had many flowers laid before it.

But the graveyard was also home to another small headstone, perfectly maintained yet clearly less trafficked than many. It simply read 'Here lies Rin Nohara. Died in defence of her village.'

Two men stood before it.

Obito Uchiha looked across at Kakashi Hatake. "No mask?"

"I take it off when I'm here." Kakashi answered, not taking his eyes off the gravestone. "Not sure why. Something about not hiding who I am from her, most likely."

"Hmph. You need therapy."

"Don't we all?"

"Fair." Obito sighed, and scratched at his medical eyepatch.

Kakashi glanced at him. "How'd the transplant go?"

"Fairly well, or so I'm told." Obito shrugged. "Taking a while for my body to adjust to having its original second eye back. My two Mangekyo awakened in different people and they haven't been paired up in years, so it'll be some time before they can re-sync. How about you? Your new eye working fine?"

"Like I'd never lost it." Kakashi smiled, slightly. His headband was fastened properly now; both his eyes taking in the world around him. "Didn't realise how much I'd missed depth perception in my everyday life. Sasuke just pulled up the King of Hell, I stepped in it, stepped out again, and suddenly I was in the best shape I've been in in years."

"The Rinnegan is bullshit." Obito nodded.

"Right?" Kakashi chuckled, before pausing. "Here's a thought; did you ever try stepping in with your eye out and-"

"Didn't work." Obito sighed. "With my second Sharingan intact, the King wouldn't regenerate it inside my eye. So no infinite Dojutsu duplication."

"Heh. Probably a good thing. If it were that easy to break the ninja world I'd've given up entirely by this point."

Kakashi shook his head, and Obito chuckled.

They were both quiet for a little longer. Birds chirped in the trees, critters rustled in the underbrush. Another ninja they didn't recognise (respectfully staying as silent as she could) dropped down into the graveyard some distance away. She left flowers at some other gravestone, sat there silently for a minute or so, then left.

Eventually, Obito spoke up again.

"It should have been me." He muttered, staring at the grave.

"Obito-" Kakashi began-

"I could have saved her!" Obito snapped, looking at him. "Back in the war, I-I could practically _feel_ her. And then I fucking resurrected Madara instead. Madara!"

"It was the best decision you could make at the time." Kakashi insisted.

"What, playing right into his hands?"

"If it wasn't for you, we'd never have gotten close to beating him." Kakashi told him. "You played the game with Zetsu for years, nobody could have expected any more of you-"

"Rin died to save the people she cared about." Obito bit out. "She was a hero. I tried so hard to do what she did, and...and I failed. And yet I'm still here."

Another pause.

"...I'm talking to Sasuke about borrowing the Rinnegan."

" _NO!_ " Kakashi declared, rounding on him.

" _She_ deserves to live, Kakashi! Not me!"

"Obito, we both wish she was here with us." Kakashi grabbed his teammate's shoulders. "But she died years ago. Decades, now. There's no way you could reach that far back!"

"If I used the-"

"If we tried to make the Ten-Tails again the bijuu would never forgive us, not to mention there's a decent chance it would commit more mass murder, Obito listen to yourself!" Kakashi moved closer, staring him down. "You need to let go. Rin's gone, Obito. And that hurts me too, but...there wouldn't be any point in her dying unless we actually live for something."

He released Obito's shoulders and sighed, stepping back. "Sasuke took Madara's Rinnegan to some far off dimension and buried them in the dirt. And frankly I think he made the best choice he could have there. Think about it, if you died and brought Rin back, what do you think would be the first thing she tried to do?"

Obito did think about it, then sagged defeatedly. "Immediately try to bring me back..."

"And then you'd want to do the same. And it'd keep going round and round and round like that one YouTube video about the end of Star Wars IX." Kakashi finished.

"Never got around to seeing that one, was it any good?" Obito checked.

"Eh. I enjoyed it. Decent ending to the trilogy. Personally I thought it wasn't as good as VIII, just felt too generic, but if I say that in public I'll get lynched."

"So Attack of the Clones is still the best movie in the franchise?"

"Oh absolutely it is, yeah." Kakashi smiled, briefly. "Look, we're hardly the first ninja to wish we could make that sacrifice. But the world dangling it in front of our faces isn't going to make anything better. We need to keep moving forwards."

Obito looked down. "...How did you do it? Move on, I mean?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I didn't, for a long while. But then I adopted a bunch of kids and watched them grow up, and then that sort of helped."

"Eurgh. Sounds like a lot of effort. Maybe I'll just get a dog or something." Obito shook his head, smiling, before kneeling down in front of the headstone. "Sorry if I didn't live up to the standard you set, Rin. Course, I'm sure if you were here you'd immediately start telling me how ridiculous I'm being and how proud you are...Well, regardless, I've tried. And I'm going to keep trying. I suppose that's...all we can do, huh? At least I don't have to lie to everyone this time."

He stood up, turned back to Kakashi. "But Tobi was funny, right? Like that was hilarious. I was hilarious."

"Tobi was pretty funny." Kakashi admitted. "We all appreciated the Vine references. But apparently all the kids are on TikTok now."

"I've never heard of that."

"You've been undercover for the past like twenty years, of course you haven't. Oh, right, while we're here..." Kakashi reached into his jacket, withdrew a blue cloth with a metal insignia on it. "Kept this for you."

Obito's eyes widened in surprise. "That's not...mine, is it? I'm fairly certain I destroyed mine in a dramatic display to convince Zetsu."

"Nope." Kakashi tilted his head. "Hers."

... _Ah_.

Obito held his hand out, then hesitated. "Are you sure..?"

"I've held onto it for long enough. 'Sides, she'd-"

"Want me to have it, yeah yeah." Obito took the headband. Looked at it for a moment, then wrapped it around his forehead.

It fit snugly, and came with a feeling almost the same as the return of his eye.

It felt like coming home.

"Alright then." He looked up, smiling. "Do you think they're gonna make me finally do the Chunin exams? Because that would be hilarious."

"Oh I don't know. I haven't even told Tsunade I've given it to you." Kakashi spun on his heel and lazily waved his hand, walking away. "Now come on. Gai invited me round for dinner and you're my plus one."

"Ooh, Kakashi, did you get a boyfriend while I was away?"

"I have no idea how to describe my relationship with Might Gai, but that isn't it. I think this is mostly just that he's shaken from using the Eighth Gate and then not dying. Or rather, dying and then coming back."

"Oh this is the dude who was fighting Madara? I'm kind of intimidated now."

"Ah, relax. This is Gai. You'll love him."

Obito snorted. "And what, you want me to commiserate with him on being zombies?"

"No, I want you to reacclimatise to normal human behaviour. As for him, I'm not too worried." Kakashi smiled. "This is the Great Green Beast of Konoha. Nothing can keep him down for long..."

* * *

 _It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder,_

 _you're bundled up now, wait until you get older,_

 _But the meteor men beg to differ,_

 _judging by the hole in the satellite picture..._

* * *

At 14:26, Konoha's public bathhouse (at the very least, the female half) found itself completely empty after experiencing what could only be described as a stampede. The streets around the area were flooded with naked women clutching towels to themselves in desperate attempts to preserve their own modesty, screaming about what horrible things they had witnessed inside. No two of the fine ladies could agree on exactly what they had seen, but almost all described a close encounter with some form of slimy squirming grossness.

At 14:53, the same thing happened with the men's half.

At 16:44, one of the largest gambling establishments that had sprung up after the Infinite Tsukuyomi found itself privy to the most ridiculous run of both amazing and terrible luck Konoha had seen in years. The debates that sprung up in light of this quickly devolved into heated argument, then into a taijutsu brawl, and then into a full on battle royale that completely flattened the surrounding block of temporary houses and had to be suppressed by the ANBU. Over twenty of Konoha's most prestigious shinobi were arrested, and most of those were far too drunk to do much about it.

At 17:00, 'Icha Icha: The Final Climax' was released in bookstores across the ninja world.

At 17:08, they had all sold out.

At 19:15, Mitarashi Anko burst through the door of Morino Ibiki's office, and began frantically taking clothes off. This barely even phased the scarred head of T&I (he was, at this point, more than used to her antics) but he was shocked when she shoved the bare back of her neck in his face. The cursed seal of Heaven that had been there since she was a Genin...was completely gone.

At 19:31, the grizzled old leader of Konoha's civilian police department dropped a very large stack of reports on his desk, sighed loudly, and buried his head in his hands. After a few seconds to gather his thoughts, he reached deep into the bottom drawer of his desk, and withdrew a small silver key. He took it, turned around, opened one of the cupboards on his back wall, and sighed again.

It was with great pain that he took the key, and inserted it into a dusty metal safe at the back of the cupboard. The safe contained an bottle of Hidden Stone single malt whiskey, and all the papers required to tender his official resignation.

It was marked: 'Only to be opened should the Legendary Sannin ever reunite in Konoha.'

* * *

 _The ice we skate, is getting pretty thin,_

 _The water's getting warm so you might as well swim,_

 _My world's on fire. How 'bout yours?_

 _That's the way I like it and I never get bored._

* * *

"CHEERS!" Jiraiya, Orochimaru, and Tsunade all slammed their (mercifully very sturdy) glasses into each other and drank. The other patrons had all moved as far away from the trio as they could, and the bartender looked like he would much rather they had gone to Literally Any Other Establishment In Konoha but was too afraid to ask them to leave.

There were three types of people out in the village this evening. The people old enough to know about the Sannin's reputation, the people smart enough to take a hint about it from their elders, and the people who had already been caught up in the trail of chaos the trio had left in their wake.

Jiraiya finished first, slamming his empty glass onto the table hard enough to crack it. "Ah! _Kami_ , I've missed this!"

"Oh, same." Tsunade leaned back in her chair and grinned. "Fucking hell it's been a pain in the ass. Y'all ain't leaving me to be the responsible one all on my own anymore, you understand? Rochi, you're doing my paperwork from now on."

"Whoa, hold on!" He snapped, lightheartedly. "I never agreed to this!"

"Gee, remember that one time you _left the village?_ " Tsunade pointed an accusing finger at his face. "You've waited like twenty years before paying off the consequences of that little stunt, scaley, and lemme tell ya, they've accrued _interest._ "

"I was mind-controlled! This is bullshit!" Orochimaru batted her finger away. "Jiraiya, back me up!"

"Fuck no!" Jiraiya shook his head. "Think I don't remember you leaving? You poisoned my chakra system and left me for dead in the Valley of the End!"

"You were _fine!"_

"I had to use Sage chakra to drag myself back to the village so Tsunade could heal me!"

"The poison would have gone away in a few hours, relax." Orochimaru flapped his arm dismissively, taking another drink. "Well, it's not like anyone can read Tsunade's handwriting anyway. Let me guess, you have Shikaku Nara doing all your writeups already?"

"Ha, ha." Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Funny. And, uh, it's Shizune actually."

"Hah! Oh yeah, her." Orochimaru leaned towards Jiraiya. "Are those two sexing yet?"

Jiraiya leaned in as well. "Pretty sure, but I haven't caught them at it yet. Ask Haku, they've basically adopted him, he'd know."

"OI! Keep your damn noses out of my sex life! That goes double for you, Jiraiya, I don't want to wind up in one of those books of yours!" Tsunade sagged, huffing out a sigh. "For real though. I am very glad I don't have to hate you."

Orochimaru's lip quirked upwards. "Thank you. I'm very glad I don't have to hate myself."

It was about then that they noticed people walking up to their table.

 _Oh, here we go, entertainment, ten o'clock._ Orochimaru sent across with genjutsu. _I'm not looking, but I'm pretty sure it's too ladies and a young man._ _What's the play?_

 _Confirmed. Ooh, I have an idea._ Jiraiya added, grinning. _I'll pretend to think the dude's hot and try and seduce him. Tsunade, you-_

A plan quickly formulated between the three of them. When the visitors (despite everyone else in the bar hissing at them not to dare) finally reached them, Jiraiya was the first to turn around, grinning from ear to ear. "Well, who do I have the pleasure of-"

That grin vanished immediately upon placing the faces of what had to be the strangest trio he'd seen in a good few weeks.

First, Shizune herself, with crossed arms and a grumpy look on her face. That alone was not unexpected; they'd been curious how long it would take before 'Tsunade's childminder' (Jiraiya's words) would come to drag them off the streets by the ears. "My lady." She snarked. "For someone so adverse to paperwork, you certainly have a knack for creating it."

"Ehehe..."

Stood to Shizune's left, however, was Konan. The stand-in (probably to be permanent) Kage of Hidden Rain looked amused, raising an eyebrow at Jiraiya's open mouth. "No, go ahead." She said. "I'm curious, where were you going with that?"

 _Abort plan abort plan-_ "...Nowhere..." Jiraiya looked for a distraction, glanced down at her stomach and found one. "Um. How's the baby?"

Konan wasn't even close to showing yet, but Jiraiya had Sage senses and Tsunade and Orochimaru were both medical genii. All three could tell.

"Pregnancies last nine months, it's been less than two." Konan replied, flatly. "It's a bundle of cells that doesn't even resemble a person yet, I'm not sure what you want me to say."

"Oh that's a good question." Orochimaru hummed. "How early in the fetus' life does it develop a soul? Could you use one to-"

Tsunade punched him in the gut, hissing " _Not cool!"_ into his ear as he doubled over then beaming up at Konan. "Well keep us updated! It'll be an Uzumaki by blood, so Naruto might have to start sharing his stash of inherited goodies. Uh, what brings you?"

"Officially, I'm accompanying the latest shipment of supplies." Konan shrugged. "Unofficially though, I'm helping another member of the 'Sannin's adopted orphans' support group."

The three glanced at each other. "... _Um?_ " They all said, at once.

Konan reached over to the third person who'd walked up with them (who was covering himself with a big hooded cloak and sheepish body language) and pulled his hood back.

Yahushi Kabuto looked up at them all, and smiled awkwardly. "...Hi?"

Jiraiya and Tsunade both recoiled. Orochimaru, however, just seemed resigned. "Hello there, Kabuto. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"He was found by an Amegakure caravan on the way here." Shizune filled in. "Wandering aimlessly in the woods." She gave him a reprimanding look. "It's not healthy to be out alone in the cold, young man."

"I am _twenty four_." Kabuto replied, somewhat affronted. "And the sage chakra was more than enough to sustain me. Besides, I'd just given up on a ridiculously overblown dream of world conquest and found myself completely purposeless. I had...a lot to think about."

"What did you dream about?" Orochimaru asked him, voice unusually uncertain. "In the Tsukuyomi, I mean."

"Nothing much." Kabuto chuckled. "Flitted from concept to concept. I didn't really have any idea what I wanted. Still don't. But, you featured a lot, so..." He looked down, shrugging.

Orochimaru said "Ah.". And then he turned and made a very frantic series of faces and gestures at his friends, who proceeded to make a good deal of frantic faces and gestures right back.

Eventually, the Snake Sannin coughed and said "I...apologise for not telling you I was faking my death. Only I didn't really know I was going to until the heat of the moment, and then I had a feeling Hinata had just killed you, and then after that it would have been sort of awkward to just come out and reveal myself to you..."

"Your kid was having a mental breakdown and you didn't go and talk to him out of _social anxiety_?" Jiraiya hissed over.

" _Fuck off,_ your _kid blew up Konoha!_ " Orochimaru hissed back, before composing himself. "And, Kabuto, I...I also apologise for so blatantly favouring Hinata over you over the last few years. It was in a large part due to pure greed, and in another due to her blatant attempts to manipulate me over the duration...but it was still unfair." His lips quirked up. "And a mistake, seeing how you flourished once you were freed from underneath me. Your improvements on the Edo Tensei were a marvel to witness, and I am _dying_ to learn exactly what you've done to your own biology."

"My my, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto smiled, slyly. "Are you saying you want to get your hands on my body?"

Orochimaru's face froze, as his two teammates began to laugh maniacally at his expense. Some of the tension drained out of the moment.

"I don't know what I want to do with my life." Kabuto admitted. "But in the interim, science seems like a pretty damn good option. So, if you're still willing to have me on as your student..."

Orochimaru thought about it. "Well...I'm afraid I've had quite enough of students for the near future."

Kabuto's face fell.

"But." Orochimaru held a finger up in the air. "I would certainly not be opposed to a _partner_. Let's not kid ourselves, Kabuto, you're more than on my level by this point."

That had Kabuto's eyes widening to the size of saucers. "R-Really?"

"Really." Orochimaru nodded. "I'm beginning to think that one of the reasons my search for an end to death has been so stunted, is because I've been so insistent on undertaking it alone."

"...Does this mean I can call you Dad?"

"Don't push it."

Jiraiya and Tsunade, who had up until that point been holding each other and quietly screaming in joy, took that moment to throw themselves across the table and grab their teammate in a massive hug, which promptly caused the table to overbalance and come crashing down onto the floor.

The three became a wrestling, squirming, bickering mess. Konan and Kabuto looked on in amusement, while Shizune just sighed, walked away, and prepared her apology to the bartender.

* * *

 _Hey now, you're an all star,_

 _Get your game on, go, play,_

 _Hey now, you're a rock star,_

 _Get the show on, get, paid..._

* * *

Sasuke looked down at his plate and frowned. "Hold the phone. Where the _fuck_ did the potatoes come from?"

"Sasuke!" Mikoto admonished her son. "Language!"

"I'm just saying!" Sasuke waved vaguely at the food in front of him. "Where did we get them? Potatoes don't grow in this climate!"

" _That's_ what's bothering you?" Fugaku asked, raising an eyebrow. "the magic thousand metre tall tree was fine, but potatoes aren't?"

"At least we were given an explanation for the Shinju tree." Sasuke dismissed. "That made actual sense."

"The explanation that it was a parasite brought by a space wizard?" Mikoto checked.

"Exactly!" Sasuke pointed. "But you can't justify potatoes that way! It's not like Kaguya came to Earth and said 'Let there be chakra, and let there be a new root vegetable in a region that does not contain the mountainous rainforest climate required for it to originally evolve'."

There was the sound of footsteps, and then a voice echoing in through the doorway to the Uchiha family's dining room. "What Sasuke has discovered is, actually, the fourth greatest prank of all time, played by Hashirama Senju on his brother Tobirama."

Itachi walked through the doorway, smiling. "Tobirama (the big nerd) was going around attempting to classify all the flora and fauna that lived in the Konoha region and find common ancestors for them. Eventually it'd lead him to his evolution theory, but at the time he was still looking for proof. So naturally Hashirama went around with his wood release just _creating_ new plants and seeding them in the area to keep falsifying his brother's theories. Wound up as a massive conspiracy where he was screwing with a collaboration of the brightest minds in the whole world. Took Tobirama ten years to catch him doing it, but some time during that someone decided to try eating the spuds."

"See! A reasonable explanation presents itself!" Sasuke threw his arms up in celebration, before actually starting to eat his dinner. "Wait if that was the fourth greatest prank, what are the top three?"

"Tell you when you're older." Itachi smirked. "Also, hi everyone. Sorry I'm late."

Mikoto had already stood up and rushed over to hug him, insisting "No, no, you're fine! Please, sit down, I'll get your dinner out of the oven and-"

There was a blur, and then Itachi was stood in the same place but with a plate of food in his hand. He raised an eyebrow pointedly.

"Oh, alright. I swear, you ninja..." She playfully swat him over the back of his head, and everyone laughed as they took their places at the dinner table.

"So what made you bring the potatoes up?" Itachi asked, digging in. "You never struck me as a biologist."

"Hm? Oh, Karin was talking." Sasuke smiled down at his dinner. "She knows a lot about this stuff after her time with Orochimaru."

"Oh, nice." Itachi nodded. They all kept eating.

Sasuke waited for the hammer to drop. But it didn't, and he frowned.

"Uh." He clarified. "Karin is a girl."

"Worked that out from your choice of pronouns, yes." Fugaku acknowledged. "Could you pass the salt?"

Sasuke blinked. "A girl I was having lunch with." He stressed.

"Yes. And?" Mikoto tilted her head.

 _Okay, what?_ "Seriously?" Sasuke looked between the three of them. "Nothing? Absolutely zero teasing? I was on a date with a girl and none of you are insinuating _anything?_ "

"Why would we tease you?" Itachi asked, completely deadpan. "You're a grown man who can make his own decisions."

"But-" Sasuke was so confused, "Five years ago when I so much as mentioned Hinata's name you started planning the wedding! Where did that all go?"

"Oh." Mikoto blinked. "I'm sorry, it's just, after that we all sort of assumed you were gay. Is that not..?"

Sasuke blanched.

The table was silent for a solid five seconds, as Sasuke looked at each of them in turn.

Fugaku's lip was the first to quirk upwards, briefly. But then Mikoto couldn't stop herself grinning, and Itachi snorted, and then everyone was laughing at him.

"I'm sorry!" Mikoto howled at his confused expression, patting him reassuringly on the shoulder. "Fugaku saw you on your date, we decided that this was how we were going to play it."

"You're _all evil_!" Sasuke groaned, hiding his embarrassment in a mouthful of peas.

It took another few seconds for everyone to calm down, before Itachi sighed and confessed "I've missed this."

"Mm, I agree." Fugaku said, swallowing. "It's been, what, half a decade now since the family got together for a meal?"

"Oh, lord, you make it sound so _long._ " Mikoto moaned.

"To be fair, you were _both_ trying to manipulate me for those meals." Sasuke pointed out, aiming his fork between his father and brother. "If you'd just prioritised being good family members we wouldn't have had to stop."

"Yes, which was _very_ rude of you both." Mikoto declared, buttering some bread imperiously. "And look where it left you all. Fighting to the death in _my_ forest garden! If any of you had gotten hurt, do you have any _idea_ what I would have done to the rest of you?"

The three strongest Uchiha cowered before her glare. "We're sorry." They chorused, dutifully.

"I thought so." Mikoto continued eating like nothing had happened. "Honesty is the best policy, boys, remember that."

"Honesty. Right."

Sasuke waited until his father was taking a mouthful, and then said "I'm pretty sure I'm asexual."

There was a loud cough, and then Fugaku began choking on his bread. Mikoto, peas falling from her open mouth, was too shocked to do anything about it.

Itachi chuckled, and took a drink.

"Also," Sasuke added, "I'm pretty sure there are more aliens that want to kill us all."

Itachi's eyes widened, and he spat up half his glass of water, gasping for air.

Sasuke smiled innocently. "And I think that's it. Does anyone have any more potatoes?"

* * *

 _And all that glitters is gold..._

 _Only shooting stars break the mold..._

* * *

Naruto and Hinata sat together atop the Hokage monument. Below them was the spread of humanity that made up Konohagakure, bustling even at the late hour. Buildings may have been destroyed (multiple times over), but the people were still there. And really, that's what Konoha truly was.

Above them was the night sky, and oh boy did the brief annihalation of civilisation do wonders for light pollution. The celestial sphere looked like it had been drawn for an anime or some shit.

"It's so beautiful up here." Hinata said, holding Naruto's hand.

He nodded. "Yeah, it's just me, you, and the moon."

" _Hey!"_ Shouted a voice from somewhere below them and to their left. " _You two should kiss!"_

Hinata scowled, stood up, and shouted "TONERI! YOU TAKE YOUR ASS BACK INTO THE VILLAGE AND TURN YOUR BYAKUGAN _OFF_ OR SO HELP ME KAMI-"

" _Alright, fine!_ " the voice started to recede.

Hinata sighed, uncurled her fists, counted to ten, and turned back to Naruto smiling. "Sorry about that, where were we?"

Still sat down, resting on the flats of his palms, Naruto looked up at her and laughed. "Wow, you're gorgeous."

Hinata blushed, immediately, and Naruto stretched his arms forwards placatingly "Nonono, I didn't mean it in a weird way-"

"No, please, ignore me!" Hinata waved a hand, regaining her composure. "I...really ought to get used to that sort of thing. You're fine, and...thank you. That was really nice to hear."

"Oh, good." Naruto looked relieved. "I mean, I'm not really sure what my excuse was going to be there. What the hell is a 'weird way' to call someone beautiful? Like that's a fairly difficult statement to misinterpret."

"Oh?" She rested a hand on one hip and smirked down at him. "And what sort of way did you mean it?"

"...Um." Naruto paused. "Oh, shit, you know if I'm lying."

Hinata nodded, grin becoming just slightly evil.

"Well I guess..." he was the one looking uncomfortable now, "Well I guess in a..." he mumbled but she still caught it, " _hormone-y sort of way._ " She raised an eyebrow, and he continued "And then sort of in the same way that I think massive explosions are beautiful, like the raw sort of 'whoa, okay, that's such a magnificent- _thing'_ sorta way, and then also probably in a r-" He stopped. "A ro-" Stopped again. Sighed.

"Hinata." He continued. "You're an _angel._ And I don't have any past experience in this area, and the only authority figure I've had around to give me advice on it is _Jiraiya_ , which speaks for itself, so I'm not sure if I'm calling it what it actually is, and I don't want to hurt you by misinterpreting what's going on in my own head, which lets face it wouldn't be beyond me...But I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with you."

Hinata didn't need the Gokei or the Tenseigan to tell her that Naruto was telling the truth.

She let out a breath, then turned around, looking back out to the village.

A small laugh escaped from her mouth. "Do you have any idea how long I've _dreamed_ of hearing you say those words to me?"

Naruto didn't reply, and she resisted the urge to use her eyes to cheat and look at him. Instead, she looked up at the moon. "I was never in doubt, Naruto. Not for a moment. I've loved you since the moment we first met. Now, you _deserve_ better than me. Well, you _deserve_ anything and everything this world could possibly offer to you. But love isn't about what you 'deserve', is it? Love isn't fair. Love's about wanting, and being wanted in turn. That's the best thing about love, as I see it. It lets you get so enraptured by a person that you want whatever they want. It lets you be selfish and selfless at the same time." She smiled. "And...and you just called me an angel."

She turned back to Naruto. He was looking up at her, silhouetted by the moon, and seemed positively in _awe,_ which was an expression she was absolutely fucking thrilled to be drawing out of him.

"So, with that in mind, and with it being known by all parties that I will help you get _anything_ that you want..." She met his eyes. "If you could have anyone. Anyone in the world. Would you still pick me?"

Naruto looked up at her for a moment, and then stood. "Hinata. The other day you stood in the wasteland of everything you'd ever loved, _laughed_ , gave a speech about trusting me implicitly, and then _punched god in the face_." He reached towards her and took her hands. "There may as well not _be_ anyone else."

The Infinite Tsukuyomi had absolutely _nothing_ on that moment. Hinata leaned forwards and kissed him.

It was slow, and it was long, and it was gentle. Ninja can hold their breath for a _long time,_ so Hinata wasn't entirely sure how long they were there for.

(Of course she then checked by checking where the moon had been before and after and comparing that to it's distance from the earth and it's orbital period and found it had been three minutes and forty four seconds.)

And then she stepped back, said "Alright then," and reached down and pulled her vest up over her head.

Naruto made a very high pitched whining noise as she tossed it to the side and looked at him expectantly. "Uh, Hinata? You're not wearing a bra."

"Nope." She replied.

"I...think you're doing that thing again where you misconstrue what's socially acceptable-"

"Naruto." She said, patiently. "I am fully aware of what I'm doing."

"You mean-"

"Yes."

His jaw clacked shut. Opened again. "On the _Hokage Monument?_ "

"I hear it's a good place for it." She smiled, slyly.

"...Okay." Naruto gulped. He was, very impressively, trying _very hard_ to keep his eyes on her face. "So I'm obviously definitely not opposed to this in any way, but like, I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't exactly want to screw this up, and I mean what if someone sees us, like, the Kyuubi has already fucked off as far inside me as he can and-"

"Naruto." Hinata shook her head and closed the distance between them. "For once in your life? Stop talking."

* * *

 **One year and five days ago, a guest reviewer complained on chapter three about the presence of potatoes in this story, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. This is my response to that.**

 **Oh yeah, and everything else that happened happened.**

 **Y'all're gonna have to let me know how the romance writing went, it's never exactly been my 'area of expertise'. Though maybe claiming to have one of those as an unpublished fanfiction writer is a bit rich. Regardless, Naruto and Hinata do the secks. They're 17 year old virgins who've been through hell together, what did you expect to happen. Kakashi and Obito are recovering, and the Sannin finally pull themselves back together. And it's only now that I realise just how many kids those three have adopted. All the named ones from Orochimaru's hideout, the Sound Five, Team 7, Nagato and his team, Shizune, Ino and Sakura, like hot damn. Kids for days.**

 **The last chapter, I have every reason to suspect, will be the final one for this fic. Get ready for the AN on that to be almost as big as the chapter itself...**


	96. Epilogue IV: Moving Onwards

**Epilogue IV: Moving Onwards**

* * *

The fifth hokage, Senju Tsunade, sat at her desk in the Hokage tower. The endless stack of paperwork in front of her was temporarily forgotten, as she leaned back in her chair with a glass of sake in her hand. Her guard had been dismissed; as far as anyone could tell she was alone in the room.

She sighed. "Naruto, I swear to Kami. Just because I can't detect you doesn't mean I don't know you're there."

"What? Horse crap!" Naruto, laughing, let himself appear in the centre of the office. "How _did_ you know then?"

Tsunade wrinkled her nose up. "I could _smell_ you."

" _What?_ "

"Heh. Nah, I'm kidding." Tsunade smiled at him. "But I knew you'd be here eventually, and you're only-" she glanced at a clock, "Fourteen minutes late. Not that you have an excuse for that, given how fast you move. But I've been saying variants of 'Naruto, I know you're there' periodically for the last thirty minutes."

"Oof. I let you catch me out with that?" Naruto grimaced. "Damn. I should know better than that."

"You should. That's part of why I called you here." Tsunade spun in her chair, turning to the window. Konoha was looking pretty good in the afternoon light. "You have any idea what they think about you?" Tsunade asked him, gesturing out through the glass. "The people, I mean."

"Uh." Naruto blinked, and thought about it. "Do they... _not_ hate me?"

Tsunade briefly felt the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose, but suppressed it. _It's not the kid's fault, not after the way he was raised..._

"Yeah, Naruto, they don't hate you. Matter of fact, you're pretty much...the most popular man in the world right now."

"Wait, really?"

"You saved us all from eternal slavery." Tsunade deadpanned, then held her hand up when she saw him open his mouth, "And I _know_ that Sasuke and Hinata did a lot of that work, but you're a lot more...marketable, I suppose. I mean look at them. They're both edgelords."

" _Recovering_ edgelords." Naruto corrected.

"Point is, you're a big deal." Tsunade summarised. "Plus..." this was bound to be an awkward part, "people have called you the strongest person on the planet. That true?"

"Well I mean-" Naruto started bullshitting, then took a look at her expression, which very clearly implied a no-bullshit rule. He blew out a breath.

"Yeah. Pretty much. With the Six-Paths sage mode alone I'm comparable to Sasuke and Hinata; I have more raw strength but they have more crazy abilities. But if you factor in Kurama, then, yeah. Unless there's someone hiding in a cave somewhere we've never heard of, I'm the strongest ninja on the planet."

Tsunade tilted her head. "You don't seem overly happy about that."

"Well I dunno it's-" Naruto scuffed one foot on the ground, "it's weird, isn't it? I spent five years throwing myself at one impossible challenge after another. Zabuzza, Gaara, Orochimaru, Hinata, Pain, Madara. And now I'm out of people to aim for. I'm not the underdog anymore."

Tsunade smiled. "Don't get too cocky, kid. Plenty of ninja thought they were at the top of the world, only to be brought down by-"

There was a blur, and Naruto was gone. Tsunade blinked, looked left and right, then out the window just in time to see the horizon erupt into a fireball.

She couldn't place exactly how far away it was, just gape in awe as it mushroomed out, spreading up into the sky-

Then froze. It was enveloped in an orange glow, being compressed into a perfect sphere, as a giant golden fox-headed avatar grew into existence next to it. It paused, contemplated, and then swung its leg back and _booted_ the sphere up into the air. She tried to track its flight path, but it far too rapidly flew up above the angle her window would allow her to view.

The Fox avatar vanished, and then a blink later, Naruto was back in her office.

"Sorry." He apologised, looking at her pointedly. "There was a big pile of rubble over near Sand I was meant to get rid of."

Tsunade gulped. "Was...that a shadow clone or-"

"Nope. Me." Naruto didn't even look smug, just resigned. "Get my point? _You_ could punch me in the head and I wouldn't die. I don't want to worry people by admitting it, but I could probably blow up the planet if I really wanted to."

"R-right." Tsunade tried not to shiver. "Point taken, cutting off the humility speech. What kind of bullshit power cliffing-"

"I know right? Whoever wrote this system is a goddamn maniac..." Naruto coughed, then shook his head, breaking out a smile. "Sorry, I'm not here to complain and show off. What did you need?"

"Is...is the fireball gonna-"

"It's faster than escape velocity. Don't worry, it's gone."

"Got it." Tsunade made herself relax. _He's s_ _till the tiny brat that showed up in a bar and started talking smack when he hadn't even made Chunin yet. Just a little more grown up, and a few orders of magnitude more dangerous..._

"Look. Naruto." She said, standing up and walking over to him. "Officially, you are a Chunin. A Jinchurikki, which comes with a few more powers and restrictions, but still. A middle ninja. I called you here because we need to discuss how that changes."

Naruto's eyes widened. "You're not demoting me, are you?"

Tsunade's eyes narrowed. " _Please_ tell me that was a joke-"

Naruto held his hands up "Yes, it was a joke! Mostly."

"Good. Look, promoting you ought to be a foregone conclusion, but it's not that simple." Tsunade leaned back on her desk. "You may be practically a god in human form, but there's more to hitting Jonin than just being strong enough. There's requirements for knowledge, for memorised protocols, demonstrated skill in leadership, a dozen other skills. And if there's one thing I know Jiraiya didn't teach you while you were on your training trip, it's protocol." She grimaced. "Then again...I'm not sure there's much point in teaching you to resist torture when there's nothing anyone can do to hurt you."

She put a hand on his shoulder. "While I know you're usually one to gasp and start giving motivational speeches at the mere mention of taking shortcuts, nobody would complain if I awarded you the rank outright for services rendered. Hell, if we make a ceremony out of it it might even boost morale."

"Whoa..." Naruto looked down, thinking about it. "So that's what this is. You want me to decide whether I'm gonna take the 'Jonin exams' or just skip them."

Tsunade almost smiled. "Well...there is a third option."

When he looked up at her in confusion, she turned away, moving back behind her desk. She picked up the Hokage hat, resting on the back of her office chair, and tossed it forwards onto the desk, peak facing Naruto. She leaned her weight on the desk just behind it, and waited.

And waited.

Naruto looked from it, to her, back to it, back to her again.

He blinked. "No fucking way."

"Nobody would deny you deserve it." Tsunade shrugged. "You've got the attitude, you're basically the will of fire's mortal form, you're so damn powerful it's practically an embarrassment that you don't have the position already. Oh, and you're basically chosen by Ninja Jesus in the same way my Grandfather was."

"Grand-uncle." Naruto coughed.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, just, we need to talk at some point about what I learned from some dead Senju." Naruto still looked in shock. "But...Me? _Hokage?_ "

"It is your big dream, right?" Tsunade smirked at him.

"But I don't know anything about running a village!" Naruto protested. "I mean Kage have to make decisions on spending, on rules, on, on, hell I don't even know what on, that's the point!"

"You think Gaara knew about any of that when he took the Kazekage position at age 12?" Tsunade snorted. "You can have advisors handle the admin while you're learning the ropes. Plus, with those clones of yours you can learn those ropes pretty damn fast."

"But...Granny Tsunade, you _know_ me." He stressed. "I'm a moron!"

"Naruto, _Hashirama_ was an moron." Tsunade replied. "Raikage A _still is_ an moron. Hell, look at me! I'm a Doctor, not a politician. The point of the job isn't to decide on the best economic policy to bring the country out of a recession, that's the Daimyo's business. The job is to be a figurehead, be a leader. Be willing to make the hard choices, and more importantly: make the right ones." She looked down. "Naruto...I know the offer might be overwhelming, and I know the instinct is to back down. But you've earned this position. And...you're ready for it, if you'll have it."

Naruto was silent for a good long while. Outside, the sun was slowly heading towards the horizon.

"Weird, that I got the same offer from the Infinite Tsukuyomi not that long ago." He mused. "But the context's way different. _That_ hat came with an offer to keep dreaming, but this one comes with a new set of responsibilities, more to take care of. This hat's offering me the chance to wake up."

He looked at it. Sighed. "Maybe I'm just really contrary..."

He looked back up at Tsunade. "I lived in an orphanage 'till I was five. Then they kicked me out, and I had to fend for myself for the next seven years. I went to ninja school, where they taught me magic and sneaking and how to commit political assassinations. I grew up believing that there was something about me that meant I was _bad_ , and everyone except the nicest people were gonna treat me like dirt because of it, and then I did whatever it took to make that thought go away. I've fought criminals, terrorists, demons, gods, all with a grin on my face and a silly quip ready to go, and whenever I got tired I grit my teeth and pushed forwards. I always had my eyes on the future, and I...I think that made me miss a lot of stuff in the present."

He sighed, face full of yearning. "I wanna stay up late and go to parties, then crash until two the next afternoon. I wanna get addicted to a videogame for a few months. I mean, I've never even played Minecraft! I wanna stress over something that's completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I wanna kiss my girlfriend; not because the world's about to end or because it's part of some big dramatic moment, just because it'd be fun. I want to be a normal 17 year old, at least for a little bit. Try and salvage some semblance of a childhood."

He glanced at the Hokage hat, and then looked away, smiling apologetically. The setting sun framed his features, as he declared "Just for once, I think it's okay for me to hit the snooze button. In a few years, I'm gonna be the greatest Hokage the world has ever seen...But I think I'm gonna be a kid first."

...Tsunade Senju had sat heavily back down about halfway through that.

"...Wow." She said, flatly. "That...was the most amazing thing I have ever heard in my goddamn life."

"Thank you."

"No, for real, I feel like I legally owe you money or something for the privilege of witnessing that."

Naruto snorted. "Granny, you're reaching dangerous levels of honesty here."

"That's because I don't even know what to say. I-" She narrowed her eyes. "No, wait, I do. You just ruined my chance of an early retirement, you little shit!"

Naruto's face fell. "Ah. Uh-"

"Get the fuck out of my office!"

"Yes ma'am!" He gave the wrong type of salute, and bolted (at very reasonable, subsonic levels) towards the door.

She stopped him when his hand was on the doorknob. "And Naruto?"

He turned around, gulping. "Yes?"

Tsunade let her features soften. "Enjoy yourself, kid."

And there the smile was again. "You got it! I'll send a shadow clone in tomorrow for the next set of missions!"

He threw open the door, charging out with a whoop and letting it clatter shut behind him.

* * *

 _Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas?_

 _I need to get myself away from this place._

 _I said yep! What a concept, I could use a little fuel myself_

 _And we could all use a little change..._

* * *

"Okay okay okay, hold on, let's do this chronologically." Sasuke held his hands up to stop his teammates rising bickering, then pulled a notebook out of his pocket and started flipping through pages.

"Okay, here we go...So first off I took out Sasori. So that's one point to me." He drew a tally mark in the book, pointed at Naruto. "You thought you killed Deidara but that was actually a clay clone so it didn't count, and the one who actually got him was-"

"Me." Hinata nodded. "Not long after I-"

"Ap bap bap, chronologically-" Sasuke shushed her, weathering her annoyed glare. "So, the next one to die was-"

"Was Orochimaru." Hinata interrupted again. "Which I was _about to say_ -"

"She _was_ about to say it." Naruto pointed out. The fact that her head was currently in his lap while he was stroking her hair might have resulted in some bias in that judgement.

"Yeah but Orochimaru doesn't count, does he? We established this, he was already ex-Akatsuki." Sasuke stared them down, and got a mumbled "Fine." in response.

"Alright then. Then I killed Hidan, Naruto killed Kakuzu, and Hinata killed Deidara." He gave them each a point. "So are we still saying Neji counts? I mean he _was_ a spy-"

"He was wearing the goddamn uniform when I killed him. If you try and take that point away we're gonna have problems." Hinata lazily pointed a threatening finger at him.

"Yeah, fine. So that's one to you. And then Naruto killed Pain, and then I killed Kisame. So we're at three to me, two to Hinata and two to Naruto on Akatsuki kills before the war starts."

"...Are yoou all _really_ dooing this?" Asked Forsooth from a few metres away.

"Ssh!" Kudos bumped him with a wing. "I wanna know who wins!"

Team Seven was sat on a moderately sized planetoid in the Angel Mountains. They'd decided that they were essentially camping there for the night, having set up a fire in the middle and tents all around. On other planetoids surrounding them, various owls were congregated (along with a few toads Naruto had been granted permission to summon). Gamabunta was sharing combat tips with Icarus, while Ma and Pa were in the middle of a delightful conversation with Athena about their respective grandkids.

"Proposition." Naruto raised a hand. "I vote we count White Zetsu as Akatsuki since they were working with Black Zetsu before the war-"

"Proposition rejected!" Sasuke shot back. "Naruto, if we count White Zetsu then you win by like fifty thousand."

"Exactly!"

"Maybe we only count the _important_ White Zetsu." Hinata offered. "Like-"

"Like the one possessing Yamato that _you_ killed?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Hell no, that's not a valid distinction. White Zetsu don't count. But you _do_ get Black Zetsu, which bumps you up to three..."

"Oh yeah, how is he, by the way?" Naruto looked down at Hinata. "Bothering you?"

"A little?" Hinata admitted. "He does a lot of incoherent screaming but I've mostly tuned him out at this point. I could probably kill him completely now we're out of the proverbial woods, but I was thinking the info might be useful."

"Aww, thanks Hinata!" Naruto leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "You're the best!"

"I know." She preened.

Sasuke shivered. "Blegh. Moving on...Obito. How are we doing Obito?"

"I put in most of the work for that fight!" Naruto insisted.

"The _Edos_ put in most of the work for that fight." Sasuke countered. "And _I_ got in the last hit."

"You freed the Bijuu, you _didn't_ get the killing blow." Hinata objected. "I think Madara did that. Or Obito himself, technically, with the Rinne rebirth."

Naruto flashed orange briefly, and Kurama's voice echoed out " **I think freeing the Bijuu is a very cash money thing to do, and should be worth all the points.** "

"No, it shouldn't!" Naruto protested, before whining "Kurama, we're trying to make _me_ win!"

"I vote that Obito doesn't count, since that wasn't even remotely a one-vs-one." Hinata offered. "The only person to 1v1 him was you, Naruto, and you nearly died."

"I'd've taken him..." Naruto grumbled. "But I'll allow it, no points for Obito. Wait, hold on, that puts us at 3-3-2! Now I'm losing!"

Sasuke and Hinata shared a glance.

"I'll take it." Sasuke said.

"Me too." Hinata agreed.

"What? No! Betrayal!" Naruto glared at Hinata. She smiled at him. He glared harder. "Grr...stop being cute." He looked up at a particularly smug Sasuke, trying to think of escapes. "What if we include rematches with Edos?"

"Ooh, yes!" Hinata beamed. "Then I get a point for re-sealing Pain and Kudos gets a point for using Itachi to get Neji!"

"WOO!" Kudos let out a celebratory trill.

"We're _not_ counting Edos." Sasuke swept a hand through the air. "Stop cheating. Oh yeah Kudos, how's your eye? It's not hurting, is it?"

"Nah, it's cool." Kudos blinked at them, showing off his single red Mangekyo. "And I really mean that, it is _super_ cool. All the other owls think it's awesome. Like it doesn't hurt me or anything, but if I push chakra into it I can make it go-" the eye flashed an eerie red, "-like that! I'm a little worried that when I grow it won't grow with me, and it'll just fall out, but other than that it's not a problem."

"Sweet! As head Uchiha I officially dub thee an honorary member of the Uchiha clan." Sasuke paused, decided he couldn't be bothered to get up, then held a hand out. A small yet long Susanno blade manifested in the hand, which he used to make a knighting motion on the head of the Owl. "Congratulations."

"YES!" Kudos jumped for joy (narrowly missing the sword), swirling around in the air.

"Not to mention, I think being our summon also makes him an honorary Hyuuga?" Hinata pointed out, giggling. "Which, given how significant our two clans are, would make him something like the fourth most politically powerful person in the village."

"Hah! Oh that's brilliant. Chain of command just goes 'Tsunade, Sasuke, Hinata, and then some random fucking Owl'." Sasuke turned back. "Naruto, where do you think you are? Given that, you know, you _aren't_ the Hokage."

"Oh, as if either of _you_ would ever let me order you about." Naruto had obviously already told them about his decision, and answered on autopilot. "I dunno, I think some Jinchurikki laws put me as like second most important (after Tsunade) but I can't exactly call down an ANBU and go 'hey, I'm the jailor for the murder symbiote, shine my shoes'. Although come to think of it, a lot of the Bijuu laws might need to be changed after all this..."

Hinata turned back to ask Sasuke something else, and Naruto looked down in thought. He had, in actual fact, been almost completely ignoring the conversation to instead focus on trying to weasel out of his loss. Eventually he looked up and snapped his fingers, "KONAN!"

"...Yes?" Sasuke asked, then caught on, "Wait, no way-"

"Konan was gonna fight me after I was done with Pain, but then she didn't because she knew she was gonna lose." Naruto declared, proudly. "That means I win. She literally surrendered _specifically_ to me, afterwards. I have the paper flowers to prove it. I beat Konan so now we're three-three-three."

Sasuke and Hinata exchanged _another_ glance.

"Of course, Naruto." Sasuke said. "Three all, it's a tie. Well played."

Naruto's face rose. Then fell again. "Oh, well now it feels like I'm just being pitied. Oh son of a bitch, that's your solution? Make my victory feel hollow?"

"Yup." Sasuke grinned.

"Y'all're meanies..." Naruto sulked. "You know what, whatever. If you want shadow clone servants you can have them. I can make thousands of the buggers. Just don't expect anything they cook for you to be, you know, edible. Guess I could buy you ramen?"

"I mean I'll take it, but we hardly need _you_ to buy _our_ food." Sasuke pointed out. "No offence, but we're both loaded."

"Uh, me too?" Naruto pointed out. "Did I not mention the payout for saving us from Pain? I got given a cheque that just says 'Yes' on it underlined three times."

"Still, you can relax." Hinata moved herself up and draped herself on him a bit more heavily, leaning her head into the crook of his neck. "Come on, you know this was all for bragging rights anyways."

"You two better not start fucking where I can see or hear you..." Sasuke rolled his eyes, flopping onto his back by the fire.

There was a moment of quiet, punctuated by the whistling of the wind and the occasional flap of wings.

"Stars are looking hella dope." Sasuke said, after a moment.

Hinata and Naruto both looked up briefly.

"Yup."

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah..." Sasuke paused. "So since we're done with the Akatsuki and Danzo and our families and Madara...what should we do now?"

They all looked at each other.

"...Something really really stupid, probably."

"Oh, absolutely."

"Ooh, I actually have an idea for that-"

* * *

 _Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming,_

 _Fed to the rules and they hit the ground running,_

 _Didn't make sense not to live for fun,_

 _Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb..._

* * *

Twas 5:32AM, and Konoha was as quiet as it had been since the Infinite Tsukuyomi. A lot of the emergency work had been completed, meaning now as the people began to adjust to the new normal, they also started to build up normal sleep schedules again. Plenty of ninja were about, obviously, but it seemed like the rest of the village was trying to catch as many Zs as they could. Not that that would last much longer. The night was beginning to recede, and the sky was brightening.

There was a building, hugging the side of the great cliffs, that had managed to survive both Pain's attack and the subsequent root swarm relatively intact. The tiled roof hardly made a sound as a lithe form in black dropped down onto it, looked about, then sat down on the edge, legs casually kicking.

A few minutes later, another figure did the same, sitting itself down just next to the other.

"Hey." Itachi said.

"Hey." Neji replied.

They sat there for a few minutes, just watching the sky.

"Imma be honest." Itachi said. "When we started this mission way back when, I really didn't think it would take, you know. _Ten years._ "

"And two separate resurrection events." Neji added.

"Yeah."

"How's Izumi taking it?"

"Still kind of in shock, I think." Itachi scratched at his chin. "She had to watch me die, and then I just...showed up in front of her on a battlefield a few weeks later."

"But she's happy?" Neji asked.

"Oh yeah. Mostly just chalked it up to me being literally too slippery to die." Itachi watched his feet swing for a few seconds. "What about Hanabi? How's she taking everything?"

"Overwhelmed, in a world." Neji replied. He turned his head to look in an apparently random direction, which Itachi knew to mean he was checking up on her. "She's not used to so many people, so much going on all at once." He smiled. "But she's ecstatic to finally be able to interact with it all, rather than just watch it from a distance. I'm sure she'll adapt soon."

"Good to hear."

Another silence.

"I keep trying to think," Itachi mused, "if there's anything we _missed._ Any more loose ends. Like, did we find out what happened to that fox Gaara got his sister?"

"Uzu is doing fine." Neji reassured. "Old, for a fox, but superbly taken after as I understand it."

"You were keeping track of that thing?"

"Of course. It's cute."

"Heheheh..." Itachi sighed. "It just...it feels a lot to let go of, you know? It's like I spent half my life preparing for This One Thing, the rest _doing_ This One Thing, and now...now what? Who am I when it's over?"

"Still incredibly sexy." Neji pointed out.

"Gay." The response was immediate.

Neji smiled. "And you still have that."

"Still have 'the gay'?"

"The sass. And more importantly, the in-joke. What you and I have built between us, it's not going to go away just because we're done protecting my cousin."

Itachi wrinkled his nose up. "You're saying that my personality will survive...because of homoerotic subtext?"

"If that's what works." Neji smirked. "But I'm also referring to the bonds you've built up with everyone else in your life. How was the family dinner?"

"...Really nice, actually." Itachi admitted. "We're still a far cry from inviting you, I think, but mum and dad have said that I can bring Izumi along next time." He looked down and blinked. "Huh. 'Mum and Dad'. That's new, it's just been 'Fugaku' in my head for like ten years."

He glanced back over at Neji. "Where's this coming from? Last I checked you were just planning to...well. Give up. Finish the mission and let yourself...you know."

"I was." Neji admitted. "But I realised something."

"Oh?"

"During the fight with Hinata." He continued. "She set up and pulled out this absolutely _beautiful_ lightning release technique."

"The Gryphon?"

"Yeah, that one. I remember looking up at it, thinking, 'This is it. This is her Coup de Grace. This is where I fall on my proverbial sword'. And then it came down, and...I used my Vishnu and tanked it."

He chuckled. "It was odd. At first I thought it was cowardice, that drove me to keep trying to fight her until my body just shut down underneath me, even as my mind wanted at each moment to let her next strike land. But later, thinking back on it...it was simpler than that."

Neji's eyes tracked over to the horizon. The first glimpses of light were peeking through the trees. "Even with nothing to live for, I didn't want to die. That was all. It might have been my destiny to die that day. I may now have no destiny left. But just _this?_ Just... _being?_ It's worth it."

Itachi nodded, following his gaze. Sucked in a breath.

"As highest ranking Jonin still alive aware of the full extent of our mission, I exercise my right to dictate further action, add or remove additional objectives, or declare the mission's official conclusion.

All primary objectives, including but not limited to:

-the prevention of the Uchiha clan's coup,  
-the extraction and safekeeping of Hanabi Hyuuga,  
-the neutralisation of the threat represented by Toneri Otsutsuki,  
-the infiltration and subsequent elimination of the organisation known as the Akatsuki,  
-the elimination of traitorous Konoha agents such as Shimura Danzo,  
-the support of the emotional, mental, and physical development of Hinata Hyuuga and Sasuke Uchiha,  
-and the protection and safekeeping of Konohagakure, the greater Fire country, and the world,

Have been completed to my satisfaction. As such, all active operatives are to cease further operations and return to the Hokage for mission report and debrief.

Operation White Eyes is over."

He finished, and turned his head to look at his friend. Neji turned back to him, and nodded once. They shared a smile.

Then Itachi slung his arm over Neji's shoulder, and the two returned to silence, watching the sun rise over Konoha together.

* * *

 _So much to do, so much to see,_

 _So what's wrong with taking the back streets?_

 _You'll never know if you don't go!_

 _You'll never shine if you don't glow!_

* * *

Kaguya Otsutsuki _was._

That in itself might have brought with it a whole lot of panic and confusion for her, given that last she checked she most certainly _wasn't._

But she was, and also she was in the dark, and she was struggling to remain lucid. Her consciousness flickered, memories flashing by around her, along with distant voices.

" _Yes! It worked! I knew we could do it!"_

 _"Whoa, chill, dude, our ratios are still off, look at her. Hold on, just let me..."_

Almost unconsciously, she felt the chakra around herself. Yes, it was being done _awfully_ , and she instinctively reached for her power to try and rectify that.

...And couldn't.

Her power wasn't there.

 _"Oh, fuck, did you guys feel that?"_

 _"Yep, alright, make for damn sure she only gets what we're feeding her. Get the chakra in the right amounts, you're the one with the Yin-Yang release, I'll try and give her something to look at in case she starts to go crazy..."_

The world came into being around her. It was a simple landscape, a wide grassland dotted with trees, one clearly _built_ rather than real. But there was still no _her-_ ah, wait, there. Enough chakra flowed into her now that she was able to construct an avatar for herself.

It mimicked the way she had looked in life; long flowing white hair, a billowing white dress decorated in gold and purple. Her eyes were white as well. At least, her first two were. The Rinne-Sharingan in her forehead glowed red, and she floated high above the ground.

 _" **What are you doing? Cease your disgusting violations of my goddess! You dare to corrall her, she who is so far above you all-** "_

 _"Alright, shut him up. Okay, are we stable? Are the safeties in place?"  
_

 _"Anything goes wrong this whole place isolates and collapses, we're good. Alright, buckle up folks, we're going in."_

The voices ceased to echo, and four figures warped into existence in front of her.

" **My lady!** " Screeched a shadow. " **Do not listen to them, do not trust them, these defilers sought to-** "

Another figure, a human (or was she?) reached forward and grabbed the shadow by the back of it's head. It vanished. "Sorry." She said to the other two. "If he's not going to _behave himself,_ I'll keep him locked up."

The other two, one blond and one dark haired, were exchanging a series of very frantic gestures. Eventually, the blond gulped, and looked up at her.

She looked down at him.

"Uh...Hi?" Said the blond.

" _Fuck's sake Naruto, really?_ " Hissed the dark haired one, " _That's what you lead with-"_

 _"Fuck off, you made me do it!_ " The blond coughed, and looked back at her. "Um. Hi, Kaguya?"

Kaguya...yes, that was her name. The chakra flowing into her was stabilising, the haze over her thoughts lifting. Words, of course. She manipulated what little chakra she had.

"Yes, I am Kaguya. Who...are you?" She noticed that she'd forgotten to make her avatar's mouth move, and from their nervous body language they clearly had too, so resolved to rectify that later. Multitasking was getting easier, and in fact she began to realise that she _did_ recognise them.

"Hamura? Hagoromo? Is that you?"

They exchanged glances. "Not exactly." The blond spoke up. "I'm Naruto, this is Sasuke, that's Hinata. I'm not surprised you recognise our charka; we're the descendants of your children."

Kaguya took some time to process that, but once it's meaning registered, her face lit up like the sun. " _Grandbabies?_ " She squealed.

The three exchanged _more_ glances. "Uh. What?"

"My boys had _children!_ " Kaguya flew closer to them, causing them to jump back in surprise. "How many? How cute? Do you have pictures?"

"From fuck knows how many thousand years ago..?" Sasuke muttered.

Something about that should have bothered Kaguya, but it didn't, as she flew up into the air spinning and swooned. "My boys are all grown up! I wonder who they took as their brides? Did Hagoromo couple with that one he was courting when he...murdered me..." her face fell. "He murdered me."

And he had. Her boys, they had...but if so, then what...

She turned back to the three visitors. "What...happened? Where am I?"

Hinata spoke up. "Lady Kaguya, you merged with the Shinju Tree. When your children defeated you, they sealed you inside Hagoromo. Then he split you into many parts, and...that was all a _long_ time ago."

"We've reconstructed you." Sasuke said. "I think is the best way to describe it. Naruto brought the Bijuu back together, Hinata has your 'husband', and I wield the Rinnegan. I have _no fucking idea_ how this worked, but your essence seems to just be bound to the chakra. Or, maybe you _are_ the chakra? Uh, your worshipfulness."

Kaguya looked between them, trying to understand. "You brought me back?"

"We did, yep."

Her eyes narrowed. "Where is my power?"

"Ah." Naruto shuffled. "We're holding onto that. After the last time someone had the power of a Juubi Jinchurikki...yeah we don't want a repeat of that."

Kaguya looked at her descendants, and began to scowl. Many of the terms they used were foreign to her, but... "You do not mean to restore me to my rightful place as ruler of this world?"

"Define 'rightful'." Sasuke said, pointedly.

"No." Hinata simplified.

Kaguya frowned in confusion. "Then...what do you want? Who _are_ you?"

The trio looked at each other.

"We're Team Seven." Hinata said. "We protect this world."

"And you're a dimension hopping ninja wizard from space!" Sasuke added, brightly.

"And most importantly." Naruto finished. "You aren't alone."

She looked between them. "...No. I am not."

"In which case, Kaguya Otsutsuki." Team Seven looked at her. "We have a _lot_ of questions to ask you."

* * *

 _Hey now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go! Play!_

 _Hey now, you're a rockstar, get the show on, get, paid!_

 _And all that glitters is gold!_

 _Only shooting stars break the mold!_

* * *

 **So...here we are. I have no idea what to say.**

 **Well, I do, actually. I am so annoyed I didn't quite get this to an even hundred chapters...**

 **So I started this project in summer 2018. Yeah. Ninety-four weeks ago. Holy fuck. I don't know what's more impressive, the fact that I somehow managed to _never once miss an update in that period_ or...okay yeah I do know what's more impressive. 'Let's hope this doesn't die an ugly death' I said. I think I jinxed myself in the best possible way.**

 **White Eyes has just barely crested 400,000 words. At the time of writing it has over 600 favourites, over 700 followers, and close to 800 reviews. _800._**

 **This isn't just me jerking myself off here. I don't say this often, but I am genuinely blown away by the support this fic has gotten. Especially compared to my previous top dog in Dishonoured, which barely got 50 reviews in the same amount of time. I can imagine that that's in part due to how much more popular the Naruto archive is overall (my Dishonoured fic is like 5th to show up if you search by follows; White Eyes isn't anywhere near the top pages. Hey maybe if you had nothing else to do you could check that out~ ;D).**

 **Still, thank you all so much for taking the time to read this. And an extra special shoutout to the absolute mad lads who've reviewed on _basically every chapter._ You know who you are. We've probably talked. You're all _legends._ I'd buy you a pint except that we're all in lockdown and I'm broke.**

 **I've learned a lot from this. First and foremost that writing is so much easier if I just...let myself go. Swear like a sailor, fill it with stupid jokes and memes, have fun with it, and then clean it up in the edit if I really have to. Having somewhere I can just outpour this stuff has really helped me improve, too; looking back at the start and comparing it to now, I've gotten a lot smoother at the sentence level. Stringing together dialogues that don't sound boring while making sure everyone knows who's saying what, etcetera. It's one of those things you don't notice you're doing wrong, not until you look back at what you wrote a year ago and go "oooh...yikes."**

 **My biggest issue with this story isn't much of an issue at all, more a point of contention. That being: it feels like it's _missing_ bits. The brilliance of fanfiction is that you can go into a story assuming everyone already knows everything. From jutsu, to plot points, to eventual character progression, etcetera. It's great for making in-jokes, but it's also useful because there's so much I just don't have to write.**

 **I mean, I _skipped_ Naruto vs Pain! As well as countless other smaller battles. And I made reference to lots of events that y'all know happened because you've seen the show, but for those who didn't? They'd be like 'What?' If I tried to publish this alone Checkov would have grabbed his gun from the wall and shot me with it.**

 **I wanted to put in more on Madara and Hashirama's past interactions. I wanted to put more on Obito, Kakashi, and Rin's backstory. I wanted to do more in a lot of places, but as I've said before, one of the main things I was trying to do was cut down on Naruto's bloated pacing. 700 diggity damned chapters, guys. I got it done in a seventh of that. Then again, Manga are definitely a lot less information dense, so Kishimoto might actually have me beat there, but whatever.**

 **So, fix plotholes, streamline the story, make the characters more interesting, and have a blast while doing it. Those were the goals; it's up to you to decide whether I pulled it off.**

 **Now I'm sure you're all wondering about a sequel.**

 **I _do_ have ideas about that, as a matter of fact. I have things I want to try with Boruto, taking this idea forwards into that era. Most importantly, making a story where Boruto _isn't_ a carbon copy of his dad, and one where powerscaling _isn't_ completely ignored ( _how the fuck is Boruto fighting Momoshiki he's fucking twelve and has none of the powerups that let his father match the guy's speed-)_**

 **Like, I'm not one of the people who does pixel measurements on manga panels for strength feats, (I think a lot of that's bogus. Here's an example: An unremarkable ninja summoning a metre cubed of water in a jutsu would require almost 9*10^19 joules of energy. That's more than a 10,000 megaton bomb, and supressed Edo Tobirama made way more than that vs Hiruzen (don't even get me started on Hashirama's structures...). These characters obviously aren't wielding that much power, or they'd just _attack_ with the strength to level cities, so it's obviously just some energy fascimile of water, which is why jutsu absorbtion techniques can eat that up but not regular water. So stop saying shit like Madara's pulling meteors from the asteroid belt at like 10% the speed of light, that would be the _least_ efficient attack method possible for him if it was the truth.) **

**But even I agree that you need to keep consistency between the strengths of your characters. You made this powercliffing bed, now lie in it.**

 **But ignoring that rant, I want to take a break from Naruto for a bit, and I need to wait for the manga to progress more before I nail any critical plot details down because I need to know important lore stuff to plan what happens. Like, how does the Karma mark work? Who's Momoshiki Isshiki? What happened between him and Kaguya? Why did the Otsutsuki wait thousands of years before chasing Kaguya down for her shit? How are the Otsutsuki immortal? What does the chakra fruit do to them? How do they consume it that's different to what Kaguya did that was apparently illegal? What's Kawaki's deal? _What does Boruto's dojutsu do?_ Remember, he still hasn't technically _got_ the damn thing in the manga yet.**

 **I've seen Naruto fics written before the ending was known, and some of the conclusions they came to are pretty funny. So I can't make any promises as to if or when a sequel will appear. But your odds of it happening at some point are pretty good. I'll make sure to add an extra teaser chapter _here_ when it happens, so don't unfollow if you're still interested.**

 **If you're looking for other Naruto fics to read in the meantime, I'd reccomend 'It's For a Good Cause, I Swear!' by Sarah1281, 'Black Cloaks, Red Clouds' by Archontruth, or my personal favourite, 'Lighting Up The Dark' by Velorien, all of which I enjoyed. The first is done, the second (depressingly) cut off right before the end, and the final is still ( _very_ intermittently) uploading.**

 **So, that's all from me, I think. Thanks again for reading this far. Feel free to review or DM me if you have questions, requests, feedback (or fanart? No? Is it vain for me to hope for that? okay...) or anything else.**

 **And now, if you'll all excuse me. I have exams to prepare for, videogames to play, anime to watch, and a Skyrim fanfiction in progress that I've been ignoring for _far_ too long...**

 **Hokage Dattebayo, ya fucking weebs.**

 **And all that glitters is gold...**

 **Only shooting stars break the mold...**

- ** _Smash Mouth: All Star_**


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